How No Contact Heals You
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- čas přidán 12. 10. 2023
- I offer personal counseling with a scheduled appointment or on an "emergency" basis.
For my help, please contact me: fennavdberg@hotmail.com
Hello there!
My name is Fenna van den Berg, I am a certified coach and counselor. I have worked in the mental health field for over 25 years.
Having been through episodes of Limerence, I have "earned my stripes" to help others with their recovery. I understand the obsession and suffering of Limerence. My passion is being able to share with you, and all limerents, a guided-way forward on your journey of healing. We do this through discovering and practicing self-love and compassion. As someone who has suffered through limerence, I have developed effective coaching for people with limerence. My Coaching has helped countless have a more purposeful life, and I want to help you. We will work together, so that you may have a life more in line with your values and integrity.
Together, we are blossoming a community of friendly people with the same debilitating feelings and experiences of Limerence. Here, we share with, support, and nurture each other in giving love to ourselves, perhaps for the first time.
When you’re ready to end your pain and suffering from seeking the "Other," I’m here to guide you in recognizing your true lovable self, with compassionate teaching, counseling and also private coaching.
For my help, please contact me: fennavdberg@hotmail.com
My editor is the best!! : Heymel Visual
Graphics: Studio Ilse van Klei ilsevanklei.nl/I offer personal counseling with a scheduled appointment or on an "emergency" basis.
For my help, please contact me: fennavdberg@hotmail.com
www.youtube.com/@followingfenna/community
Hello Fenna. I used to watch you often when I was in the depths of limerence. I want to make this comment to give hope to anyone out there who is in pain. I have no limerence at all anymore. I have let go of my LO. I rarely think of him. I could not imagine getting to this place. I battled my limerence for 2.5 years. To anyone out there still struggling, keep going. Looking back, no contact was the best thing for me. This person was not meant to be in my life and could not love me. I never seek out his social media. I do not wonder about him. I feel no connection to him at all. I've also become involved with other men, and my limerent experience helped me spot red flags, like breadcrumbing, avoidance, inconsistency, and hot/cold behavior. I was able to get out of those situations, though they were still painful. I am now working on healing my abandonment wounds and doing inner child work. I just wanted to share an update and let others know that healing is possible, though it might be messy and certainly will not be linear. Do not give up on yourself.
"And my limerent experience helped me spot red flags, like breadcrumbing, avoidance, inconsistency, and hot/cold behavior. "
Im so happy to read this!! Good luck to you and enjoy a happy healthy future! Thank you for writing this, giving people hope!
Sounds like the other person could be a Narcissist
I applaud you 🎉 My battle has been 3 years. It is possible to be glad to get there!
You’re right. Thx.
Thank you. 2 years in and sometimes wondering when it will be over but again, much freer now than at the beginning. Avoid little contact like checking their profil just to see at what time they go to sleep or get up and make up stories in your head. It couldn’t be for a reason and let’s not waste our life hopping. Thank you for the comments and thank you Fenna
It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but Im doing it, for the long term happiness.
Exactly!!! That's an adult mind!
Good for you!! 👏 You got this!
Yes, it's really crazy. It controles your hole life. I have 3 kids to, and al lot of difficult things i can handle it. But that limerence is the most terrible and difficult and painfull thing that i can remember me during my life. Really stange.
"We want to be with them, but we don't want to be with them, but we want to be with them."
That's just such an accurate statement
I could not block or unfriend my LO because he is so kind and is still very friendly to me. So I deleted all my social media profiles. And it's a big big help. It's been over a week now and my anxiety dropped to zero level. I only fear meeting him outside as we live close to each other. But we never bumped into each other except for a few times so I am safe for now. Let's all keep healing, lovelies.
You look very beautiful in this shirt and makeup tho. Thanks for your work ❤
Let's all keep healing indeed!
... we live close to each other too, its more difficult. I would like not to see him anymore, I know time heals.. Its going on and on for almost 14 years, enormous pain (heart attack), sleeples nights... wish all free breathing and smile... we can do it🌻
@@vodacoma1747 just keep on loving yourself. Do everything for you that you want to do to and for them. Limerence happens when we're lonely and want to love someone else in a way we want to be loved by them.
The hardest part (for me) is not the no contact, even if i hope he‘ll come back and want me, i stay strong and disappeared like a ghost to him since one year. The hardest thing to do to me is to unlove and forget about him. The limmerence kicks in because i still believe that he was the best and most beautiful partner i‘ve ever had. I put them on a way to high podestal and i‘m fighting with that every day because i went from being adored to ignored. The relation ship wasn‘t toxic or unhealthy in a way, that‘s why i‘m always thinking i‘ve had to be wrong or not good enough.
Unfortunately 1 year is not that long in limerent land, give it more time and all you describe is normal in a grief process.thank you for sharing.
I'm so glad i found your page. Your video on Limerence "Not your person" and this No contact video have really helped me understand this illusion of love i have been in for almost 10 years. It really has been a sort of prison. Missed out on alot chasing and waiting on someone who only existed in my mind. Crazy how the first few years seemed so amazing. So much that it kept me stuck in the cycle for several more waiting for things to go back the way they once were. When all that's left is a memory, no matter how much you love it, it can't love you back.
That's exactly what keeps us going, we Want to go back to how great it once felt.
Good luck to you! 10 years a good point to break this habbit. 👏
Took me 20 years to really let go but in large part that was bc we continued to have contact. That was a massive mistake. Finally, after a year of no contact, I am now feeling better.
No contact is def the way to go! ❤
It's the only way to go indeed :).
And I'm so sorry for you it took so long 😔
@self-compassionchannel-fenna thank you for your empathy. But it's okay now. 😊
Absolutely true. From my experience. Really angry I had this experience and stopped it again before it became another. Like I am some monster. I am nice kind person, but this experience is mystery, both for men and women.
Thank you Fenna, this video has really opened my eyes to what I'm going through. My LO abruptly ended a 3 year affair and my god the emotional fall for me was hard 😅. 5 months no contact and I'm starting to get my old self back. Slowly but surely.
Slowly but surely indeed! Well said
Your videos are truly excellent. My withdrawal from the LO is taking a long time, and I won't be surprised if it takes months or years to feel my best. I really appreciate that you address neuroplasticity and neuromodulators. The science helps me cope with how I'm feeling emotionally. Really excellent content. Thank you from Croatia.
I'm so happy with this comment, I can understand that knowing what is going in can help you a bit.
This information is so helpful and makes total sense to me! I have not spoken with my LO in over six months and I notice how my thoughts are changing and I’m in less pain than I was. Perhaps six months ago, I thought I was out of the woods, but, it turned out to be wishful thinking. I briefly interacted with him one day and was plunged back into misery. As with any addiction, we are susceptible to relapse, I guess. There’s just something about him that I can’t explain. 🤷♀️
Yes, in most cases 6 months is nog enough to be out of the woods. I'm happy you are in less pain.
My LO works on the same floor, interacts with me on a working basis and also lives around the corner from me and I bump into her at the local shops. I can only manage some non contact. The only real way would be to include her in the knowledge that I am obsessing over her and maybe then she would also avoid me.I’m 64 years old, married for 35 years and the Lo is a 32 year old Muslim woman. So, I can’t just change jobs at my age. The LO is not interested in my (I’m not that delusional) and I don’t want a romantic relationship. She’s always top of my mind and I get anxious when she does’t reply to my messages quickly. I often feel sick inside Day and night. I want to break this cycle.
I understand, that's step 1. Decide that you want to get out.
You are wonderful, thank you for sharing this. It describes perfectly what I’ve been going through, and it hurts like hell. The intermittent contact causes a trauma bond which is where the limerence came from in my case. If the LO is a neurotypical/emotionally healthy person, they will understand and want to help with undoing the bond. In my case the LO is a narcissist, which means I’ve felt completely alone in all of this, and it’s done a lot of damage.
I can imagine it's done a lot of damage:( Good luck !!!
Having been through this with an ex-Lo that had such traits 10 years ago I know how hard it is.
My current Lo is good and honest, have given me clarity so it is easier to detach, less painful, but still hard.
It took me years to get over ex-Lo, mostly because of the trauma of the ending, and how hot-and cold she was. It is hell, like you write. And when you get no closure, it hurts so, so, so much. I think you will just have to survive the pain, second by second, and slowly, it will start to feel better. Realize that it was all a lie. Narcs say whatever the want to gain that energy from you. Lo was never real with you. But you were real with Lo. Also, do you believe in God or spirituality? I had loads of strange and scary experiences after the ex-Lo that I define as demonic. It has never happened outside of ex-Lo, which is strange. I think the spiritual world exists, so I am a Christian now, and trust in Jesus to help me. But to each their own.
Just know that you will survive this, whatever happens, and you will grow stronger. It is good to heal childhood traumas and such afterwards, and remember that narcs mirror us, so we fall in love with ourselves trough them, kind of.
No contact is very hard but I know it’s the best thing for me to do in order to live a healthier life. And my LO is making it easier for me to endure it by ghosting and deleting me from social media. So I should thank him for that lol. I want to be free from this addiction and I will get there slowly but surely. Thank you Fenna for your content on limerence! It is so very helpful in my progress towards healing😊 ❤
I'm very happy to read this narges, thank you.
You are lucky. My LO sends me a message every month or so to share something about our church group and says he prays for me ect. and I don't want to be rude and ignore it. For months this was very difficult for me and I kept reading things into it, even though most messages weren't even about personal stuff. Sometimes I wish he wasn't so nice and would just ignore me. That would make it easier. But his kindness to everyone is exactly why I liked him to begin with. I never thought it would turn into such a huge problem for me. Haha... At least I got over contacting him after he told me he is in a relationship. In my case completely ghosting him would be weird, but I don't feel the urge to text him anymore, so I guess my limerence has stopped for the most part.
I’m trying extremely hard to do this. My situation involves work and all of the trappings of having to stay professional while going through this. My LO and I have a shared experience that brought us together that was a stressful event. This has been one of the worst periods in my life.
Thank you for this help
You are very welcome, thank you for sharing this.
i‘ve been limerent for this person for 12 years now, always on-off NC. currently 11 months no contact. i‘m in a very happy relationship with the man of my dreams, but i still have absurdly instense LE. sometimes i’m happy so be free, but then another LE comes along.. currently in one and it‘s killing me. it‘s not even that i want anything romantic, i just want a friendship, be in eachothers lives, to be able to be in contact in a normal way, and not like falling into a vicious addiction spiral… i feel so bad for having these feelings and i am so close to ending NC and try to be friends. but i‘m scared af and i would never want to hurt my SO!
limerence feels to me like a life curse, something so powerful, and yet so destructive.
but i will try to stay hopeful 🖤
thank you for your videos! they help a lot.
Thank you sooo much for sharing this, I'm sure lots of people can relate. If you want me to share this anonymous pls let me know.
Sometimes when I got on a short binge of thinking of them still after 3 years NC, I freak and think I have actually contacted them. Fortunately, that is not the case!
This has been a very long road met in 1992 and hard core limerence started bubbling up in 2007. I remember finding the term in 2011 but my body dismissed it and I believed it. My body is a dopamine junkie. My sister decided to leave this earth by her own hand 2021 and I went no contact soon after he couldn't even say he was sorry. His silence finally led to mine becoming permanent. I still feel the reverberations from the shock of all of it...I've also developed lichen planus where my body is fighting itself. I feel this is from this nervous disorder that has developed. I've been on this high alert for three years now, but I don't use him to create more of a wound. Thank you for your work in this subject...I've been using it as a coping strategy for far too long.
Wauw thank you so much for sharing this Lilly . I understand you sometimes think or dream about contact. Good for you, you have not.
Are you doing OK?
@@followingfenna Yes, doing ok - day by day. LO found someone in 2018. That was the final straw after being breadcrumbed by him for so long. After NC for awhile, he would come to me in dreams wanting me to be in his love triangle. Her in the physical and me in the dream state. I very strongly told him no. He had been feeding off my energy for long enough. Now at 3 years NC I saw a photo of him recently, he doesn't even look like the same person.
As for limerence, I always thought I just had more love to give than those around me wanted and I kept it to myself weaving it into comforting fantasies. Now I can see it as more of an escape mechanism.
@@followingfenna Yes, I am ok. It's reassuring to hear that there was nothing I could've done to stop it. I'd never loved anyone like that before...but it was insanity.
Took me 5 years and still have limerence tendencies towards others. Great video thanks!
Thank YOU ❤
More than one? Oh dear???
@@rockrecordreport7136 unfortunately x
Slightly different style to this video with more technical explanation. Very interesting, I like it 🙂
Thank you Ms!
Not always, unfortunately.
I’m not dealing with grief but dealing with letting go for brief periods of time until I feel it right to get in contact again in loving relationship, even though it’s long distance and she cam girl I have feelings for her
Thank you very much (!) Fenna, very well explained and very useful. I also highly value that you talk about your very own experience. I wish you a lovely day !
Thank you Mark ! Good luck to you !!!
Great video! I met with you for coaching and your perspective helped. I am 3.5 months out and the limerent episodes are still strong but getting alittle better with healing 🙏🏽
Good luck! You can do it for sure 💪
Hi Fenna, great video. Just wanted to say limerence is scary! Woke up in middle of night and was thinking about an LO from 35 years ago😢 They are probably dead by now, but where did that come from? Current LO is fading from my thinking now, thanks to your help.❤
Grief brings out earlier grief.
And yes it's soo strong.
Good luck to you!
I really appreciate your support, keep making videos, no one else has helped me like you have, thanks❤
Oh Sherrie, Steve Perry, 1984
You should've been gone
Knowing how I made you feel
And I should've been gone
After all your words of steel
Oh, I must've been a dreamer
And I must've been someone else
And we should've been over (over now)
Oh, Sherrie, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Sherrie, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, I want to let go
You'll go on hurtin' me
You'd be better off alone
If I'm not who you thought I'd be
But you know that there's a fever
Oh, that you'll never find nowhere else (nowhere else)
Can't you feel it burnin'
On and on (on and on)
Oh, Sherrie, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Sherrie, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Sherrie
But I should've been gone
Long ago, far away
And you should've been gone
Now I know you'd lie, you'll stay
Oh, Sherrie, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Sherrie, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Sherrie, our love
Holds on (Sherrie), holds on
Hold on
Oh, Sherrie
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Bill Cuomo / Randy Goodrum / Stephen Ray Perry / Craig James Krampf
Haven't spoken with my LO since January and feeling a lot better now - still not out of the woods yet tho.
Then went thru a similar thing with someone else and just hit day no. 50 of no contact with her.
Your channel has been really helpful with all of this as well as a few other sources, I'm wondering if you have any advice so that this doesn't keep on happening?
Always define for yourself what you are looking for relationship wise and stick to that. Live in integrity.
Brilliant as usuall
Thank you :) 😀 😃
I'm a No Contact champion now, hence why I can attest to the fact that it definitely works! It's an extremely painful process at times though, which is normal for the situation. ❤
It's a cruwel but fastest way out of limerence indeed
Wow, so on point! But my relationship cost me my life savings and my mental health. I am near suicidal and over $200k in debt because of her !! 😮😢
Limerence is very exonsive indeed, like any other addiction. I hope you will feel better soon 💓
No contact for 15 months now, but nothing has changed for me. Still very limerent.. I am happy with my family, but this woman is still in my head. Every day 😢
Unfortunately 1 year is nothing in limerent land, give it a lot of time, and I'm proud of you.
I hope also for me it does not take so long. But i'm afraid it does.
Why is she in your head? What qualities she gave u that u dont have now?
So what science can't explain is that love is like the lungfish lol that goes dormant as though it's dead for as long as it takes until the rains return & refill the lakes. Then it wakes up & lives again. Like your computer when it goes to sleep--it's still all there, my friends. Do not be fooled. The amount of time that passes, unfortunately, doesn't matter. Your love remains & will resume in all its fullness when u lay eyes again on your LO ♥️ Fenna & thank you always, but this is real life, not the textbook that states only half of the equation.
Thank you!
Thank YOU !
This is so true
8:54 time helps emotion fading memory decay
Thank u Fenna. Your videos are helping me a lot. How to go NC without being rude to the LO?
Can you be honest ?
I’m almost one year down. I think I need a second year.
I can totally understand
I'm ADHD my doctor is useless my 5 phyciarists were useless so when it comes to limerence I wouldn't even bother with the poorly trained health so called proffesionals thankfully I found you
Most limerents have ADHD, I'm sorry you have not found the right help.
@@followingfenna there's always you do you think medication works it didn't for me and thankyou for reply
I had to cut a friend last year out of my life, it was only an online friendship but simply put I was obsessed with her and it was/is still a living hell, keep breaking down in tears every day and trying to force my brain to stop engaging with the thoughts is nothing short of a tormenting hell. It's been worse recently but it comes in waves except the fact she is literally on my mind no matter what distractons/hobbies/games/friends I interact with, waves of sucidal ideations and torturing myself because I ghosted her as if she was nothing since my brain couldn't handle it any longer. I did eventually go back to apologise but my brain just keeps torturing me that I'm completely evil and scum every day. I just want to be normal, I don't want to be mentally ill, had many treatments for years for various issues but nothing has ever worked, just feels like my life keeps going on a downward spiral that never ends and the self-hatred just keeps hitting hard I couldn't be normal enough as a person to just be a friend to someone that I cared about, I hate this.
Okay, it's not a heinous crime to protect yourself, that's common sense, the other will survive, for sure. The impact on them is probably not as big as you make it. Second use the words AND YET
" I feel bad and guilty AND YET this is the best option"
Make a few of these sentences using ' and yet'
So you don't deny or fight your thoughts and feelings.
I did the same thing and today is 3 weeks NC. I finally feel normal again with some sadness but nothing near the first weeks grief….Trust me, the first week sucks and is tormenting, but it starts to fade. Just keep mentally reassuring yourself this was the right thing/only thing to do…grieve and give yourself time, you WILL FEEL BETTER 😊
Hi Fenna. I was happy to hear a little of your story. I wanted to ask where are you now in terms of healthy relationships? Are you afraid of limerence showing up again?
Not really, because now I know what I'm looking fo, and what to do to prevent it and not to prolongue it. It's all about making healthy choices.
Nice sweater. Makes sense. Dopamine junkie.
I go in limerence on and on again. So i know its something in that others that trigger something in me. Its just a click and its starts
I hope you will find a way to not let that happen anymore P. That's exhausting.
Was it ever a choice? Did you ever consiously decide who takes your breath away? Who plays in your mind, in your body, & spirit? Is it only women who are transported? Wtf?! Tannov said it only happens to some. Are they blessed or cursed? I know which side I'm on on & you are probably, as well. Are we a minority? Do most folks make a conscious descion about who they love? What a blessing!!
Other people don't make better choices but they get less stuck.
@@followingfenna yes, stuck! That's what it is.
Ive been no contact for 9 months. Finding it very hard even now. The one thing I have noticed, even though sometimes I dont feel as though im improving is that ive started taking interest in a lot of things that I lost interest in whle I was deep in limerence.. Im hoping this is the begining of the end of limerence
Good sign!! Becoming your self again.
Good luck Flomay
We used to say absence makes the heart grow fonder....Probably it's natural to forget the pain ..IDK
In the short term absence creates " seeking " behaviour. In the long term the brain makes you detach.
You remind me of my Limerent object!!!!! What should I do? Should I continue watching your videos?
I can't advice you in that, you should do what is best for you. If I upset you maybe it's too soon to watch me.
@@followingfenna Okay. I will try not to look at you. But only listen to you.
This whole NC thing can also get in the way of the Universe and the energies of putting you back together. If there is true love and you both miss each other, then talk. Forget the power, just feel. Go with the energy, keep it respectful, don't allow to be used, but also don't allow NC too much power in itself, you might lose your forever because you are not communicating.
Very true, in healthy relating, but once you decide to go nc because the relating is not healthy for you the missing someone does not mean anything. It's not prove that the relationship was healthy. It just means you miss certain aspects.
@@followingfenna Yes 100% and thank you for the reply.
My LO is part of my online friend group that game together. I have been debating going no contact so I can get used to not talking or being around the LO, but at some point I will want to go back as that is where my friends are. Will no contact still work that way, or will i just fall straight back into the addiction?
Hm unfortunately it will take a really long time (sometimes never) to completely get over a Lo. You have to be honest to yourself when you decide to get back in if its worth it and if you can handle it. Good luck!
What can you do if you cant go nc (working with them, same group friend)? I dont want to loose my friends and I dont want to be cold and make things weird, it will bring me a lot of anxiety. I try to distant myself but it create a cycle of hot and cold and it feed the limerence. I feel like im stuck.
Unfortunately it's hard to stay in contact and cure limerence, try to limit the contact amap. And you are allowed to be cold in order to heal.
thank you for your awnser @@followingfenna
Tips on how to go no contact when you like the same things as the LO and there is a good chance you'll see them at events every 1-2 months?
Skip the events for a while and it's that's not possible, ignore them as much as possible. Good luck !
I don't work with the LO and they are not in the same social circle. I deleted their number. They only have a private Instagram as their social media. Essentially, I am no contact. So what is my solution? I sometimes have this fear I will run into them like I did a year ago. What do you suggest?
Stay in no contact and your body / brain will do the rest. 😀
@@followingfenna What if I see them in person like on the street or in a cafe? Should I just ignore them? What if they try to say hi?
Your help is greatly appreciated.
I'm having the hardest time with the ones that were never really relationships. One was a friend and I just keep wondering if I had done something different, what would've happened. A lot of people said he seemed interested in me and it wasn't in my head, so I just wonder what happened.
You don't know that, there are many options in any case they did not bang on your door making it clear they like you. 🤔
@@followingfenna yes. That's true. I want someone that will like me enough to ask me out and spend time with me.
Fully understand the benefits of going No Contact from the standpoint of the person in limerence, but I'm curious what would happen if the LO initiates contact again? Because apart from the LO's that might also be involved emotionally there're also LO's with no emotional attachment but are simply being manipulative. Any actions from the latter could jeopardize the healing process.
Yes that's why we have to instruct our LO to not contact us anymore. :)
Hello Fenna, what should I do if I know someone is limerent about me? Should I stop all contact to help them, even though they keep trying to talk to me? I would feel bad if I ghost someone, but wouldn't it be the best thing I can do to help this person get over me? If they can't do it themselves and I know for sure I can and will never fulfill their hopes.
Yes do it and explain why in a kind way
Yes breaking contact will help them definitely! You can be honest right ?
Tell them why you go cn without being harsh and stick to it. :)
@self-compassionchannel-fenna I have tried explaining to him before, but he keeps arguing that he misses me and that he's ok with being friends and just keeps sending me messages even if I don't reply. He doesn't understand that he's in a limerent episode. I feel like trying to help an alcoholic who doesn't see his drinking as a problem at all. I will try one last time to talk to him, but I guess I have to eventually ghost him, because his messages make me feel uncomfortable. He's telling me about dreams he had about us, sending me love songs and keeps telling me he loves me. He even drawed me. But he never even met me in real life or talked to me on the phone. He just saw me on Instagram. He lives basically on the other side of the world and is a bit too old for me. Sooo many mismatches. I blame myself that I was too kind to him and answered his messages, it makes it so much harder now. But I didn't see all of this coming and didn't even know about limerence then.
Even more painful than no contact is how to digest the fact that I wanted them for 8 years day in day out every second of every day and yet in the end I can’t have them 😔
That's why you wanted them, imagine it could have been really boring to be with them.
Thank you for your videos. I have started watching all of them. Every day I watch few. After all the twin flame crap I read about limerence and that made sense. But yours are the only videos that spoke directly to the logical side left in me. I hope you will get me to the other side of this and free me of this person addiction. I’m exhausted after liking them for 20 years (yes,that’s right) and actively pursuing their unrequited love for last 8 years. I like your videos, they might help me to finally be free. Thank you
You can do it !! 💪
Thank you 🥹🥲
My question is: Should we block or ignore this person we are in no contact with? I've never been one to block or ignore. Thank you!
Absolutely no contact is best indeed, and we are always allowed to protect ourselves so yes blocking is for sure allowed but I understand what you mean.
I responded to the LO's first text with a kind alert that I think no contact is our best option. I didnt respond to the second text, and there were no more to follow. I didn't have to block, though I would have if necessary. Wish you the best
2 years for nerwsystem to calm down?
Absolutely
When you do no contact you can also begin to see the person you THOUGHT you wanted probably isnt that Great to begin with.just sayin
Thank u Fenna. Your videos are helping me a lot. How to go NC without being rude to the LO?
That depends on what you are, but since it's not your spouse or family why would it be rude ? I prefer being just honest if possible.