Can I Have a Relationship With Them?
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- čas přidán 9. 07. 2024
- I offer personal counseling with a scheduled appointment or on an "emergency" basis.
For my help, please contact me: fennavdberg@hotmail.com
Hello there!
My name is Fenna van den Berg, I am a certified coach and counselor. I have worked in the mental health field for over 25 years.
Having been through episodes of Limerence, I have "earned my stripes" to help others with their recovery. I understand the obsession and suffering of Limerence. My passion is being able to share with you, and all limerents, a guided-way forward on your journey of healing. We do this through discovering and practicing self-love and compassion. As someone who has suffered through limerence, I have developed effective coaching for people with limerence. My Coaching has helped countless have a more purposeful life, and I want to help you. We will work together, so that you may have a life more in line with your values and integrity.
Together, we are blossoming a community of friendly people with the same debilitating feelings and experiences of Limerence. Here, we share with, support, and nurture each other in giving love to ourselves, perhaps for the first time.
When you’re ready to end your pain and suffering from seeking the "Other," I’m here to guide you in recognizing your true lovable self, with compassionate teaching, counseling and also private coaching.
For my help, please contact me: fennavdberg@hotmail.com
or on
followingfenna.com
www.youtube.com/@followingfenna/community
Five years ago my limerent episode began. I am feeling better now. You are a kind of a fortune teller, you know. Everything you said before about no contact came true and everything you said in this video is true. I am wondering why the whole subject about limerence isn't known better. I told my therapist about limerence and he wrote an article for a psychiatric journal about my case. At least he mentioned my limerent episode there. Thank you Fenna, you saved me.
I AM SO HAPPY TO READ THIS. I wish I could meet everyone who tells me I made a difference in their lives.
Also, I love that- seeing past the wall of limerence! Life has become much more colorful for me since my limerent episode ended 💐
Indeed!! We got our lives back
I remember coming out of my limerence, that was the hardest time in my life, I was hurt but numb at the same time, I was functioning but spaced out, felt empty inside, I cried a lot....but I did it😊 I overcame my obsession and I feel stronger now. Also my limerence was caused by my fantasy, I hurted and disappointed myself and another person who had no chance from the beginning because it was all about me and my obsession. I've learnt not to fantasise anymore 😢 for everyone hurting right now! Keep going with no contact, be patient, do nice things to yourself and know that you'll be fine, it just takes time. I took me 1 year not to feel sad/ hurt another year to look back and think wtf?! It wasn't love, it was obsession. I'm absolutely ok now, happy with my life so you will be too just keep going ❤
Can I share this comment on my channel Flower ? 🌼
@@followingfenna of course 🤗
Love the flaxen hair and the blue eyeshadow. No swearing. Nice. Love this video. Garden after the wall. Got it.
Thank you Andrew
Fenna: Please override your manager's ban on cursing. We luv it!👏
I love to do it, but sponsors don't 😞
@@followingfennastupid sponsors😝
You're so right, i am married 20 years to an LO that was married when i met him! Was fun at first, but when he left his wife for me and we married i realised what i had done! He is 20 years older than me, his kids are my age😢 Wish you were around when i was younger😊 Love your t shirt, you should sell your own merch, would be great😂 Yes and have my LO of 12months to wean myself off, going pretty well, but still working on it. Keep up the videos, you're helping lots of us heal❤
Thank you so much gilld
@eremiasranwolf3513 No the limerence has gone, but duty keeps me here, looking after elderly disabled ex LO. My life is only peppered with occasional new LOs to dull the pain of never being loved by my family or partners. Same as never ever loving anyone myself, wouldn't know what the heck that feels like! Bit late for me now, approaching 60yrs and only ever had love shown to me by my dogs! I'm not bitter though, you only know what you know. 😏
Another great video Fenna!
After a year and a half, I saw my friend again. Choosing not to start anything physical, has helped a ton!
Even though we like each other, I know it would be a long time before we would see each other again.
Having the healthy boundary has helped keep a friend a friend and made me focus on myself instead of something external.
Thanks for the wonderful videos Fenna!
Wauw, choosing to not be physical! Very strong
That was an excellent lecture, Fenna! As a retired social worker, I must say, you have a talent for applying real-life anologies when discussing limerence episodes. Just a thought: Have you considered speaking live at CEU training lectures for other clinicians? It can be quite lucrative, although it is not as convenient as working from one's home. Of course, nowadays, there are live podcasts. P.S. Tell your manager that occasional swear words are woven into the fabric of the mental health clinical field. I swear, they should declassify the F-Bomb as an inappropriate clinical word. At times, nothing quite nails it like that word 😅
Hahaha thank you for making me laugh I will talk to my manager and thanks for the 💡 idea
Great content. I have to listen to ithis again. Love the shirt! Hair looks amazing. It is like listening to a super model who is a counselor. Sweet. Thanks!
Blush 😊
Thank you again Fenna
You are very welcome 🙏
I recently went limerent on someone I met in a job interview (new co-worker). This is one reason why I decided not to take this job. I hope this does not happen again because I don't want this silly mechanism take away any job chances .
That is a healthy, self-aware decision 👏 Good luck in your job search!
Hurray! Choosing wisley !!!
@hanssommer46 Good on you for recognising it, as long as you can get another job you like!
I've mentioned to people that I'd run screaming, if I ever noticed another episode starting because it's not pleasant, especially when it's obvious that nothing will eventuate, for whatever reason. 🏃♀️
Limerence equals Chad. Millions upon millions of women fall for 'Chad' only to be used and thrown away. And then [they] go back for another 'different' Chad they just met online five minutes after getting used by the previous decade of Chads that abused and dumped them. And this scenario plays out for the guys as well. Once stuck in this self-imprisonment of [their] own design, escape is unlikely. The divorce rate in North America proves this fact. Great tutorial and very helpful insights. Cheers Fenna. 😊
You are so right!!!
EDIT: Reading this back later, I need to make one addition important enough to put at the top. This really only works with the assistance of a professional therapist and a support group of emotionally healthy people who also know you can be limerent. Don't try to solo this, that doesn't work.
As someone who has experienced a lot of limerence, I can say it is indeed possible to transition from limerence to a real relationship. I have done it several times, but there are a couple of important caveats:
1) you have to be self-aware of your limerent tendencies and catch them early. Even if it's not consistent, having at least some part of you be aware that you are delusional and are placing your emotional needs on this other person is critical so you can disentangle yourself from those delusions
2) you have to know the limerent object well enough to be aware of their actual personality and want at your core to relate to them as they truly are more than you want to fulfill your fantasy
3) you have to tell this person how you are feeling, and let them decide for themselves if that is what they want. By this I don't mean gushing to them about how much they mean to you and how in love with them they are, I literally mean "hey I've been having really strong feelings for you, but I can't tell which are about you, and which are fantasies that I've created about you. I would like to have X relationship with you, is that something you want? How do we proceed?" The hard part is to let them answer honestly and be willing to take the L if they don't feel the same way.
I will make a note that the cases in which I have transitioned from limerence to a real relationship, they have always been friendships, not romantic relationships. They have absolutely been worth the effort, but do not mistake me, it is a *lot* of inner work to see it through. If you think you're brave enough, best of luck to you
Thank you for sharing this, usefull information!!!
Thank you for helping me again Fenna.
Thank you for commenting again Dominic
Anytime Fenna. @@followingfenna
Empty Garden, Elton John, 1982
What happened here
As the New York sunset disappeared
I love found an empty garden among the flagstones there
Who lived here
He must have been a gardener that cared a lot
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop
And now it all looks strange
It's funny how one insect can damage so much grain
And what's it for
This little empty garden by the brownstone door
And in the cracks along the sidewalk nothing grows no more
Who lived here
He must have been a gardener that cared a lot
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop
And we are so amazed, we're crippled and we're dazed
A gardener like that one no one can replace
And I've been knocking but no one answers
And I've been knocking most of the day
Oh and I've been calling, oh hey hey Johnny
Can't you come out to play
And through their tears
Some say he farmed his best in younger years
But he'd have said that roots grow stronger, if only he could hear
Who lived there
He must have been a gardener that cared a lot
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop
Now we pray for rain, and with every drop that falls
We hear, we hear your name
And I've been knocking but no one answers
And I've been knocking most of the day
Oh and I've been calling, oh hey hey Johnny
Can't you come out to play
And I've been knocking but no one answers
And I've been knocking most all the day
Oh and I've been calling, oh hey hey Johnny
Can't you come out, can you come out to play, Johnny
Can't you come out to play in your empty garden, Johnny
Can't you come out to play in your empty garden, Johnny
Can't you come out to play in your empty garden, Johnny
Can't you come out to play in your empty garden, Johnny
Can't you come out to play in your empty garden, Johnny
Can't you come out to play in your empty garden, Johnny
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Bernie Taupin / Elton John😢
Straight to the point, thank you Fenna❤
Thank YOU desert Rose 🌹
K this is so screwed up, the “twin flame” community thrives on this chaos lol oh my… I’m just realizing this now
Hahaha well said
Ticking all the boxes again Fenna, excellent & informative video.
I feel like I use my limerent obsession to manifest an emotion inside me for motivation when I should rely on systems to get me through the days and achieve goals.
When I think of her, I think about my problems & how to resolve them, which is beneficial in a way.
I haven’t contacted my limerant object in about a year now and I feel reformed & much higher in self-esteem from where I was before.
So I am eternally & internally grateful for this limerant episode, as strange and confusing it has been for myself.
If I’m addicted to this idea, as unhealthy as it is, it keeps me celibate, off drugs and goal-oriented.
Which seems like a metaphorical external plaster on an internal wound, yet it’s what I’ve been conditioned to…
I also like a lot of Limerence-based love songs (which I’ve been trying to cut down on, but they do sound so good to myself & comforting)
(& probably very unhealthy)
I also like health & wellbeing.
-
You’re also right about personality change; I like myself a lot more than I was before via a limerence based reformation & pattern up.
-
Let me know what you think Fenna if I’m handling this in the right way.
Keep up the good work, I always watch your videos when I can or when I can’t I’ll end up binge watching them.
Thanks. 🤝🥂❤️
A crisis always changes us, and the learning the reflecting makes us grow, if we want to or not. Sometimes it was worth the pain, sometimes not but you grow either way. I started a lot of beautiful things due to my limerence, and yes limerence can give tons of energy. And sometimes we need a transition source yet following the right path.
1 year is probably not enough to get totally out but you feel already progress, imagine feeling even better in another year.
@@followingfenna You're a superstar, thankyou Fenna.
Hoping all is well.
Love the name superstar! And yes all is VERY well 😉 ❤️
I love how you bring me back down off my cloud ☁️. God bless you Fenna. 🫂
That is a HUGE compliment, bless you too.
That is a HUGE compliment, bless you too.
I still like that T-shirt 😆 Just might make my own that says 'Limerently in Love'- inspired by Beyonce's song, 'Crazy in Love' 😄
Thank you!!
If they left their family for the LO...will they still be a better life after the limerence ends for this person?
Good question! I'm not soo much talking about the external circumstances, but more about getting out of the fog of limerence, a better life without limerence. A better life than being addicted.
I can't say that it's a better life than before the limerence, for some yes. Others regret leaving their family .
Can we let fenna swear and put a sound affect over it instead? I think that language is appropriate for the intensity of the emotions of the topic and not swearing feels like sugar coating and downplaying it.
Is there a way to make work for the algorithm without censoring the topic? I found it more validating and honest with swearing
Hahaja I will talk to my manager
Thank you for your important work, Fenna. I was listening to someone on CZcams --mostly males coaching women--who asked why anyone would still be interested in someone who was not interested in them. Is that the "normal" behavior? Do folks just turn off depending on the response of the other? If so, that's great! How is that done?
It's not just done by reasoning indeed but we can always choose our behaviour.
@@followingfennayes!now if only we could control our hearts...maybe some do idk
Hi Fenna,
I would like to ask what is the role of limerence in the beginning of a marriage and healthy relationship? Should there be a limerence period in some degree for each marriage? What if there was no? Not having limerence period or not really rememberin if you had it or not, would that trigger the person to seek for this limerence experience in another person in the later years of the marriage?
Thanks in advance! Your videos are brilliant!
It's complicated, all falling in love starts the same, it's just when there are obstacles and needs are not being met that it can turn into limerence. Not all relationships start with limerence or even a strong falling in love. That does not predict anything.
But yes people who have had more l episodes are more likely to seek for the strong physical connection.
Sack your manager....I like it when you swear. :)
Not good for the sponsering and I love my manager, he is the best. I will swear dubbele off camera 😀
Fantasy video 🎉
Thank you Davin