Three Types of Relationship Fights - And What To Do About Them
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- čas přidán 24. 07. 2024
- We all know that moment of deeply upsetting bewilderment that pushes a relationship fight over the edge. It’s when we ask ourselves for the umpteeth time HOW could they POSSIBLY be DOING this AGAIN when they know how much it UPSETS me?
Dishes left piling up in the sink. Too much time spent scrolling social media when we long for quality time. That tone of voice that makes us feel stupid. The personal jabs that leave us feeling raw. It’s the triggers we pull and can’t take back when we push each other to our most vulnerable soft spots.
Often, our hyper-focus on the content of our arguments leaves us spiraling into escalation, our heart rates and limbic system hijacked until we’re completely depleted and polarized seemingly beyond repair. These ugly crescendos leave us tending to our wounds alone, which is especially hard when we also count on our relationships to help us heal.
What would happen if we took a pause, took a breath, and attempted to work together to identify what’s really going on?
Often, it comes down to three possibilities. Visit the link below as we explore the 3 types of relationship fights you keep having and what to do about them.
bit.ly/3f4FQFs
"The first thing to understand is your reactivity, not the wrongdoing of the other person."
WOW! 🤯💎✍🏿📝
whats the time stamp of this?
@@MStar10 2:11
The “change your brand” thing is so true. I first realized it on my own once I came to terms with the fact that my getting reactive was pushing my partner away when the underlying reason I was upset was because I was insecure and craving more intimacy. Changing my reaction made him appreciate me more and brought us closer than my being bitter ever would’ve.
In first grade at my elementary school the counselor used to come by each class room once or twice a week. I remember one of the lessons we learned from her was always to try to use "I" statements when addressing conflicts. "I feel x when you do x." It's something that's stuck with me through the years and that most of the time has served me well when I've implemented it. This advice reminds me of that. :)
You were so lucky to have such a piece of information delivered to you at a young age! Every school should have a counselor/psycologist in its staff
I also ask people to use I statements when they use you-language. "I would like to understand you better, but I find it difficult when you speak in you-language. Could you explain your difficulty again from an I-perspective?"
Worth watching the whole thing but here’s a summary of the 3:
(1) We fight over power and control.
(2) We fight over care, closeness, and trust.
(3) We fight over respect and recognition.
Thank you!!
It’s deeper than that. Esther also gives the key to understanding how to deal with these situations - ask the right questions and also communicate properly. I wouldn’t want people to see this and not watch the whole video ☺️, as it’s most invaluable I’ve come across.
I think it’s important to try to get both partners on board with great advice like this.
If one partner starts making these changes, but the other partner doesn’t really understand what they need to do to change yet-the partner that has successfully changed quickly feels like they’re the only one making the effort.
Please make more videos, Esther. We wait months before heading from you and your information is so valuable and so needed.
love this. thank you ❤
you are such an inspiration to me! thank you for the amazing vídeo. lots of love from Brazil!
A wellspring of resonant insights. Also: the light in this clip is glorious! That is one vibrant, gorgeous plant!✨
Mind blown. This is so good, so useful! In gratitude.
Love her!!! So much insight and practical wisdom every time she shares!!!
Thank you Esther
Love you Esther. 😇🙏 so powerful, concise, and efficient. I feel sane when i hear you. I feel that's exactly it and i'm not crazy 😌
This is everything. Praise this woman! I need more of your teacher's teachings, like the x,y,z thing ❤
Incredibly Profound, by addressing XYZ…. To look within Ourselves as to what’s really at the heart of our issue…We look beyond the Surface, we can change ourselves only creates an opening for a New Story, this is Brilliant Insight…Esther You’ve Such Beautiful Gift to Articulate and Convey with Compassion, You’re a Blessing Very Grateful 🙏
This was helpful, thank you 💙
Thank you!
excellent analysis. Wish everyone in high school are taught these things....
Great analysis...!!!!👏👏👏👏🙏
Excellent and thank you.😀
whew this was so good, genius
This is our go to video with my partner whenever we feel like we are in a loop or at an impasse. It's a reminder to look inward for both of us and in 6 minutes, I feel the emotional flooding reducing. With practice we'll become better communicators and resolve our conflicts better.
Amazing 👏 spot on
Excellent, thank you 🙏🏻🌹✨🙏🏻
Love this! Would love part 2- how to address those things and “change the script”
This is so true!! So deep!!! My other half not into watching these kind of videos to understand why we act this way.
It is enough if you watch it.
We expect so much more from a partner. It is true. When I broke up w this man. He was kind to others. But he was so mean and reactive to me all day. I said. I don’t even think you like me as a friend!!
This is very valuable 🥰.
Watching from Zimbabwe.... thank you
I feel invisible. I hate feeling ignored, because I feel invisible, disrespected, tiny. Good video, thank you, good to see it.
This bothers extroverts more than introverts.
So true!!!❤
I planned a 1-week road trip, looking for the best deals in rental car, lodging, and flight. I told the then bf the flight he should book. He booked the next flight. I was livid and seething inside. The last day of the trip I let my frustration out because I realized that there’s no WE. We broke up for good soon after the trip. I don’t argue, get angry, or lose temper until the end. When I did lose it, I was ready to walk out for good. I also have never dated any guy who loses temper easily or argumentative. I don’t attract guys like that. In a way it isn’t good because nothing was said until before we called quits.
Marshall’s work profoundly changed my life.
trained 15 years ago and not a day goes by that his teachings are not appreciated or used to make my life better.
grateful for your wise application.
I’ve been married for seven years and lately all we do is fight even for small things. We are both good people and love each other. Double income, no kids, we should enjoy life, right? Sometimes it feels like love is not enough. Two strong, opinionated, stubborn people ughh! Hope you all find partners who get you, listen to you, and are willing to be your ally and best friend. Watch those first fights in the beginning of the relationship. That will be all you argue about for the rest of your life. Also, dive into your past traumas and check if your partner is an antidote or throws more fire on them. I love you Esther, you speak truths. I wish you gave us couples therapy :( so needed right now. Best!
Thank you for your work and for putting out so many videos and resources. I'm curious what your experience is and others when one partner feels that the desire, spark, and romance that was once there at the beginning can't be rekindled but the other partner feels very strongly that with nourishment, action and change that the desire can be brought back? Can one person work on the relationship on their own while the other is not hopeful or is actively wanting to pursue separation? What resources might you have available Esther for this situation? Thanks!
I feel like I need to listen it weekly)
A woman of hope and love and peace… if only I wasn’t the only one in my relationship who learned from all this…
Great
Lot's of ❤ from India
Esther why u have to go and talk to my soul like that!!! 🤯wow.
When you faught for those things, all of three figths, and you lost them all, then the relationship is dead.
No attention / affection / validation / time / sex leads to NOT loving the other . I found those type of people not just selfish but ABUSIVE! Who wants to be in a relationship where you are always Nr 500 ? You better off being on your own and be much happier .
Sure, but when you are married and have children you have to stay and see if it can get better, somehow
@@markaurelius61 it only gets better if the other person wants to work on it with you.
@@melissap2957 That is true. In some cases marriage must be hell. It took years for my wife to finally accept that my complaints needed to be taken seriously.
Me and my husband married while living in a long distance relationship. I made him move to where I am. I am the main provider for me and kids. He doesn’t like my first born. We have been fighting over petty things over and over .and the other day while on the phone and we argue over something petty he said he’s tired and i said me too he took that personal and hung up the phone. I called him back multiple time but no response in my rage i told him in a msg that what he’s doing will lead to divorce. It’s been 5 days he’s not reached out to me and the kids, neither have i. I don’t know how i feel about this. This is my 2nd marriage and i dont want to start over again. But i have made the decision not to reach out to him until he does. If anything i am the one with the kids he should atleast check on the kids even if he’s mad at me. I am drained
It's amazing to me how people gloss over their own culpability. Read your post as if someone else wrote it. Especially the first couple of sentences. I hope he divorces you.
@@mrsherwood2599I disagree with you. He agreed to move her location . If he didn’t want to he should have told her and bir used the move as grudge against her.
Yeassssss!!!!!!! 💚💚💚💚💚
As I scroll through comments I see mostly women 😢 we need more men to watch these videos and learn - it’s a partnership - both doing the proactive work to learn not just us women
Beautiful work✨👏
Check your core values before your first kiss💋
Could the fight be combination all 3?
I feel like you can use "I" statements to describe how another person's behavior affects you, but you cannot always make them emotionally available enough to hold an unbiased space for your truth, let alone get them to alter their behavior. No matter how you choose to phrase it, people, especially those with low self esteem, tend to blame themselves. Even if you don't say, "you", they often still hear it because that's what their subconscious mind is looking for (confirmation bias). Then, it turns into an defensive argument about who hurts the other more.
This is why I've stopped setting external boundaries and instead set them internally. I stopped interpreting what other people are doing as disrespectful and instead meet whatever needs I feel are lacking, myself or through another person. That person will sense you pulling your energy away and will pursue you more. I change how I'm showing up in the relationship, and therefore the relationship changes.
Most of the time, when I'm feeling bad about the other person's behavior, it's because of the meaning or interpretation I am assigning to their actions based on my own past trauma or self limiting beliefs. Telling people what to do, even if it's about your POV, feelings, needs, etc, is never enough to create lasting behavior change. Because there is no vested interest; why should someone else change how they operate because you don't like it? Behavioral conditioning requires a worthy motivator. And when times get tough, they will probably revert back to their old habits and programming, and you'll get hurt again because you are still interpreting their actions the same way. So at some point you have to learn to not take other people's actions personally. This does NOT mean tolerate abuse.
Good luck if your goal is to make someone else conform to your needs. Behavioral change happens when the individual THEMSELVES comes to a realization about how their actions are hurting THEM. Humans are truly self-centered in that regard. Due to the mirror principle, it's never really necessary to set verbal, external expectations. Albeit sometimes more challenging, the faster way to resolve painful feelings and conflict is through self-examination and healing.
You are right that even when phrased as an "i" statement, if someone feels attacked, they will hear it as "you hurt me" and jump to defend. But I think taking the time to figure out your reactivity, your underlying concern, then that XYZ statement holds more meaning.
Compare: "When I came home and saw that you had not taken the chicken out of the freezer in time for dinner, I felt upset and stressed."
-> This is phrased as an XYZ but it still boils down to "You have upset me by not defrosting the chicken."
which they may try to defend or fix by saying "Can't you just microwave it?" or whatever.
As opposed to thinking about it, realising that it's about trust and care and stability, which may sound more like
"My job is very stressful and high pressure and I spend all day having to remember everyone and manage everyone and I really need to feel like you have my back when I get home. When you didn't take the chicken out of the freezer, I felt unsupported."
Your partner can't go back in time and defrost the chicken but they can take greater care to make you feel supported. They can respond with "I'm sorry you've had a rough day. Let's have the chicken tomorrow. Put your feet up, I'll make spaghetti. I've got this, I've got you."
And yes, not everyone is capable of change, but most people do want a happy relationship, they just think it's more work than they are able or willing to do.
Well said. This is the realization I’ve come to as well. It’s hard to make other people not activate your triggers. Much easier (though still hard) to recognise your triggers and work internally to sooth them or to not get triggered in the first place. The first step is owning your response and not dumping it on the other with blame and demands to change.
❤️
What’s the difference between an intense fight in a loving and healthy relationship vs jabbing fight in an emotionally abusive relationship?
❤❤❤
When you do X, in situation Y, I feel Z
What can I do? Attack invites justification... if you change your initial approach, you break that pattern
1000%
Nie mogę się skupić przez te rurki na ścianie 😅
Life throws challenges at you every day. It is how you respond that will make you or break you. Every decision based on emotion will fail! Maybe in an hour, a day, or a year, but if the decision was made based on emotion and not logic and facts, it will fail.
What happens when you don’t fight. I been with my wife for 6 years and we haven’t fought once
Do you disagree about things? I am intrigued by what you mean by fight?
Trust me. They fight. If they don't. He thinks he's in a marriage, but he's really not.
@@SassySlater mmm disagreement is hard to say but I guess from time to time. We have set our goals in life together and we just drive towards it. So we never disagree. Maybe minor things I love coffee she loves tea. I drink whole milk she likes 2 percent so we need to buy two types of milk I tend to drink borne of them etc
@@foreverseethe well that’s what it worries me. We don’t fight ever ever like never in all this time
@@lvluptoaverage52 Perhaps you could sit down with your wife and ask if anything has been bothering her - not because she has given any sign of it, but because she hasn't. You might ask her if she has been surrendering parts of herself, interests, hobbies, activities, whatever. Losing parts of herself puts her in danger of losing her independent identity (a big problem in the long run for many women in marriages!). Some women and men do this, delete their own wishes and needs to some extent, just to make sure they aren't fighting. Particularly if s/he grew up in a household where fighting was nightmarish, s/he could be avoiding it at all costs (even though the costs will be quite high psychologically as the years pass). I had a partner doing that for 4 years, unbeknownst to me, until suddenly one day she just announced she was leaving. And refused to go to counseling or discuss the issues she had been silently burying until they were volcano-sized. Blindsiding one's partner with accumulated upsets one has never been willing to discuss, even if it's from a troubled childhood, is extremely damaging. It's like they're saving up "green stamps" of anger, then cashing them in all at once out of the blue. Angry discussions may not feel pleasant, but compared to being blindsided or blindsiding someone else, it's probably the better way to go. Discussing differences is more honest. And managing to respect differences and allow some space between the two of you for separate activities and interests, outside friends, etc., is important for a relationship to work long term. Because it's another danger if people merge too much and lose themselves that way.
I think God nerf'd you too🤗 you are freaking awesome 🫶
Sorry to hear about your grandfather 😔 that is sad news.
Mind blown, how do you know exactly what happens!?
...des fois, comme maintenant, je regrette que mon niveau d anglais ne soit pas plus précis...
Je vais la repasser...
Merci car vos transmissions sont inestimables.
🤍🤍🤍
Love to Esther from India ❤❤❤
I follow you à long time ago now and I appreciate a lot you advice but today I have a small question who that has nothing to do with this video , do you have a tattoo on you right hand or you hurt yourself ?
It’s a bracelet, she has worn it in several videos over the years :)
@@tiffanychristensen1383 ah ok I thought about it but I had a doubt, thanks have a nice day
It’s a bracelet with a chain connected to a ring on her middle finger. Pretty cool piece of jewelry!
Anticipatory Regulation...
Not reacting, preacting....
All mammalian brains at least.
The core task of all brains is to regulate the organisms internal milieu by anticipating needs and preparing to satisfy them before they arrive.
Anticipatory Regulation.
Principals of Neural Design.
You are like louie's girlfriend
Maybe so, I no longer need her. I have captured forbidden, taboo, hurting partners and living to the fullest. I do not choose the ball buster, the ball buster chooses me. There she is again, but I ignore her. You are safe with me.