Esther Perel explains why couples fight | SVT/TV 2/Skavlan
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- čas přidán 4. 12. 2018
- Belgian psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel talks about why and how couples fight in this episode of Scandinavian talk show Skavlan.
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What is the fundamental definition of self-esteem? It's your ability to see yourself as a flawed person and still hold yourself in high regard.
Simply and beautifully put … yes, exactly and more, to love ones self as beautifully human; profoundly, unconditionally loved.
And this is why contemporary women have ruined relationships....
🌹
I couldn't have said it better myself! 👏👏👏
@ -- what are you talking about? How is that definition of self-esteem a bad thing, in any way?
I love that everyone is just sitting back letting her talk without interrupting. This is one of the best interviews I've ever seen.
Amazing
The main interviewer seems almost enamoured of her!
That's the style of this interviewer with eveyone
That lady has such an energy. You just can listen to her by leaning back and just listening. :)
I love when she was talking about her parents and give them as example how people should act to result a agrumet. I love when she she was honest and said the truth how her parents resolved their arguments.
9:50 “a mans who’s angry is a man who’s in charge, a woman who’s angry is hysterical” BOOOOOOM
bodybalancer too bad
@@joeldwest I think bodybalancer is saying that this is the perception people have of man vs woman and not that they believe that themselves. The point is that this is what we women are always up against and there is a huge disparity there.
@velveteyes79 I'm going to disagree with you but to a point. I will disagree on generalities here. Part of the problem I have with your explanation is that you are just as conditioned by societal gender expectations. Women and girls may be allowed to express their emotions more freely. Men may be expected to repress. On that we agree. That comes down all the way from the antiquated idea about men and women having separate spheres. Men deal in public, while women deal with domestic. Provider vs nurturer. These are outdated roles, though. Furthermore, women have often been accused of being "hysterical" simply because they ARE able to express themselves more freely. Being passionate in a debate isn't the same as being hysterical. Men and women can definitely both crack and lose all reason....which is what hysterics mean....Hell, look no further than the White House if you want an example of that. Hah! My point is this....These differences have been modeled and cultivated to a point. Then there is the individual. No one fits into a box. We are dealing with stereotypes all around. So, I can't fully agree with your point, but only some of it.
@velveteyes79 I have disagreed with your words. They may be reality to you and that's fair enough but you cannot speak for men and women on the whole. I explained my position. Just because I disagree doesnt mean brushed your words aside. I challenged them. That's different.
@velveteyes79 Implicit in your statements earlier is that women are somehow inherently given to hysteria more than men. I disagree. Furthermore, there may be certain differences between the sexes but do not forget that gender is very much a social construct. What is feminizing or emasculating is entirely a matter of opinion. You are using societal ideals of womanhood and manhood as a litmus test for such things. See, that is where such an argument would be flawed. We'd do better to focus on an individual's strengths and weaknesses and cultivate a more balanced approach using these individual traits as guideposts. Not - a man is this. A woman is that. Everyone has their own emotional intelligence and requires fine tuning specific to their needs. That's important.
1:00 Three key groups of things that are underneath those plot lines:
-power and control
-closeness and care
-respect and recognition
6:45 Negative escalation
-attack-blame-deffend
Positive escalation
-talk about what you feel, not About what other person did
10:52 1) The person who leaves has the right to go, but they have to be the one who come back
2) Apology
3) Letter writing
Self esteem is your ability to see yourself as a flawed person and still hold yourself in high regard
You are an angel!😊
Nice notetaking man
Vladimir Goodness Thanks Vlad
Nice recap. Thank you for sharing this summary
I love her. I love her work. I love her purpose. Humanity needs her.
Ooohh i love her too. I admire her. I love her work and the way she explains human behaviour. Relationship are a wise way to see how we are indeed. Our partners are able to show us as a mirror how we really are.
Tai Chi jjj
I've just discovered her, and this chat show. Wow. I can't believe this is a chat show on television. Such amazing conversation. So much wisdom from this woman.
Tai Chi I love your pic design and colour what does it say ?
Most of us are not LGBT though
I never get tired of listening to this woman!
Me too
sweetsalara I feel the same. Brilliant!
"You can't clean the dishes when you've got all the dishes in the sink at the same time"
Damnnn. That is eye opening.
I love how the guys all look intrigued and slightly terrified at the same time. Esther is sooo right when she says that we cannot progress in relationships without including the men. These guys look ready. Welcome!
We also cannot fix broken women. That is something they have to do for themselves.
Michael Jensen What did you mean with „broken woman“? Every woman has there story, exactly like men. I think you searching for a perfect one, with no argument and no reply. It’s better to buy an robot for your holy family life. Otherwise learn to accept others who they are and especially yourself with all your shadows!
@@stephaniedorst5233 no, many women are deeply broken by feminist ideology and debauchery life to the point they don't know how to be a strong feminine woman without trying to be masculine, and therefore dont know how to treat their men as it's supposed to be, western women in general are entitled, confrontational, insecure and miserables, they just do not worth the effort, there's way better women in eastern europe more capable and more feminine who know how to treat their men. Western women think that being told what's wrong with them by a man it's patriarchy
cardett75 Are you scared of strong women?
@@stephaniedorst5233 yes i'm scared of fake strong women, most women in the west are weak and miserable on the inside but act strong on the outside, which is pathetic, you can tell when a women is genuinely strong and authentic and it's pretty rare in the west
Amazing how she gets down to the core of things in such a short amount of time. She's incredible. She lifts my spirit after feeling down.
Farahnaaz Oemar Esther knows she only has 10 seconds of real attention 😄 I totally agree with you! She is absolutely amazing in how precise she is in her words!
you have good role models. bless your heart
This woman is a genius. A strong woman who know the peaceful place where women and men can co-exist and be happy.
@ Rubbish. Homosexual relationships have existed for all time and continue to exist not only in humans but throughout the animal kingdom as well. They aren't SO infrequent that they are an anomaly. A variation, I'd say. In any case, Esther works with ALL kinds of couples. Gay, straight, even deals with familial relationships that have nothing to do with romance. You may want to drag your head out of the stone age and read up a bit.
@ Used this video to assist in my homosexual relationship, so I think that's about time to simply shut the fk up about things you've clearly no knowledge on :) xx
@ Laurica Andrian
A peaceful place is a place where the woman knows her place . But you can tell this cunning female does not know it without a doubt.
@ u are 100% right!
@@simonearmstrong6126 why dont u shut up yourself i can bet u the straight people ,by enlarge, are'nt interested in ur so called "knowlegde" its also not suprising that you have or will have relationship problems because the marraige or family is'nt design for "man and man" or "woman and woman"
1:00 3 key groups of every problem
1:48 maximazers VS minimazers
2:05 Its about ENERGY
2:30 What is bickering? [= chronic picking]
2:51 Example of Bickering (you use criticism instead of your wish)
3:22 Method "Kitchen Sinking"
3:53 Leads in 2 things
- Conformation Bias (scanner)
- Fundamental attribution error
(mine is circumstance - ur is characterological)
6:36 Can people fight better? (2 types of escalations)
- Negative escalation pattern: ATTACK - BLAME - DEFEND
7:41 First Solution: Turn REACTING to LISTENING
Talk about FEELING instead of WHAT THE OTHER
PERSON DID OR DIDN'T DO
8:51 Do women and men fight differently?
10:11 What is a good way to end a fight?
12:52 What is the definition of self-esteem?
14:22 What is the difference between not being dead and being alive?
- Its not just to be surviving but to thriving
Comment and like if you want
Fundamental key groups of every problem in relationships:
1. Power & control
2. Closeness & care
3. Respect & recognition
At 1:00 Esther names the 3 REAL topics couples fight about (1) Power and Control (2) Closeness and Care (3) Respect and Recognition. BOOM 💥 ... The Interviewer did not even acknowledge that, goes straight to the next question !!! I could not believe it. Not even a Mmmh, Aha OMG 🤦♂️... frustrating when someone disregards what you just said ...
She makes some great points but then she contradicts herself by supporting behavior and attitudes which are incompatible with creating and maintaining healthy relationships. I find her to be devious and misleading.
You are right.
@@michaeljensen4650 Be specific. Tell us where she contradicts herself.
anders damin I agree, they are just waiting to ask the next question instead of listening and discussing her answers
Interviewers are working with time limits and the crew in their ear (literally) and a schedule of pre-written questions. They miss out on half the talk themselves because they're busy keeping to the schedule and trying to make good TV ... shouldn't interpret that as ego, it's their job.
This woman is amazing, she needs to be on TV 24/7
YES. She's the Oprah of RELATIONSHIP!
I totally agree , so inspiring x x
I'm watching this, and I don't even have a partner to fight with.
Kaloka gatija ❤️😂👍🏻
Kaloka gatija same here....i think we learn anyway
Lol that's the best time to learn this
🤣
i fight with my doggie at times lol
i need to watch this every day as a reminder, she read humans for filth and its such a gift. I see it, I see me in it, I see my relationship in it.
This woman has got the it factor. She is EXACTLY what we need in these polarizing times.
'what is self esteem? it's the ability to see yourself as a flawed person and still hold yourself in self-regard". Esther Perel. Thanks for uploading. Very good piece of a wonderful woman.
that hit me differently
Eshter is plugged on on the ground floor. Her talks are always illuminating. What a wonderful counselor she must be.
She is very smart lady.
It is true that one cannot reason with an angry Individual.
100%
Exactly. That is why we need to let the anger to pass and then try to continue the conversation.
It is true in a group dynamic as well: #metoo became toxic immediately, reaching its zenith (hopefully) with the Kavanaugh debacle. Other examples are polarization in politics; Leftism in education; victimhood culture (feminism, racism, intersectionality, critical theory, et al). Until these dynamics are addressed HONESTLY...we will remain stuck. If we remain stuck too long....God only knows the consequences, but they will be dire, no doubt.
Esther is the real deal. The gentleman on her right broke my heart when he said his wife wants him to know she is right and he is wrong. He avoided answering the question “do you fight back?”, and instead responded by saying said his wife knows his every weakness. Who are we to say another is wrong? Even if there is a logical argument which proves another wrong, what is the point? When you know another’s weaknesses, the fabric of their soul and where the threads are damaged or worn thin, we have a great responsibility to at minimum do no further harm. And ever so carefully, we can start to weave our own threads in places where they are bare.
This made me teary eyed... well written. Thank you.
Sandra cristina lacoste interesting how poorly y'all listened. I found his comment very eye opening, and important. He stated the truth, he answered by stating I hear you, but can disagree with you, and understand everyone's reality is different. Look at least how he's reacting to the entire conversation as a whole before you make him out to be some sort of victim! Listen to the entire conversation!
Sandra You speak like a seamstress. Interesting because I was sewing by hand when I was listening to this. I use the same kind of analogies.
😭
Beautiful
I love how animated she is in this interview!!!!! 🤗🤗
The research that Esther is referring to here is taught in university psychology courses, but I've never heard anyone express these ideas this articulately. Couples who don't fight are the ones to divorce because it hints at a lack of underlying passion. Couples who fight too aggressively also divorce. Fighting is crucial in a relationship because it gets the issue out in the open to be addressed. The main thing is to remain respectful towards each other during the fight, and to learn how to come back together afterwards. Chronic bickering, on the other hand, is laden with passive-aggressiveness and criticism. It's like sandpaper wearing away at the love between couples over time.
I had huge smile on my face through the whoooooole clip :D I am just amazed by the information and her expressiveness. She is so radiant, so beautiful and charming!
Hehe ... same here! 😎
So true, she uses precise languaje.
She has a gorgeous smile.
@ AUk
She has the beauty of the devil . The devil is like her , he dances around but never speaks the TRUTH .
@@ukimath eaf
I absolutely respect and love her. Insightful clear and articulate with so much humanity. 🕊
But isnt she in a heterosexual relatiinship?
As Esther was describing how her father handled arguments with her mother, it made me tear up. My father was just like that with my mother.
You know what, Nichole? I always knew that was an effective way and always wondered why people (and when I say "people" I can't help thinking of men, but perhaps should include both) don't just do it! How come they don't feel/ think of this option. It's something instinctive to me.
@@cristinavillarino1718 the pain in some people’s childhoods can mean they need a lot of self-work beforehand. Love from another can help, but it requires a certain level of willingness to delve into the past to ascertain personal triggers. *(IMHO)*
This lady surely knows what she is saying. Genius.
Love the face of the guy in the brown jacket, you really can see how he is taking in the information and how his brain is processing. I think he was having an enlightening moment there.
I love her. I love her language. I love her logic. She knows so much about life. I adore her.
Jacob Tekhoa,Hi man
Chills at that final quote “is it worth it? After everything we’ve been through, is it worth it?”
Esther's wisdom is likely to shape marriages for generations. I feel blessed listening to her often.
Skalvan is more interested in the convo rather than the show. He is really into what she's saying rather than thinking about how the show will run. That's really the best thing you can do as a host (ejoy what you are actually doing) and the best part is She....she is just 🔥. No words will be enough to praise her. 👏🏻👏🏻
"When we are in Conflict situations we have the ability to listen to 10 seconds and 10 seconds is about three sentences before in our head we've stopped listening and are already preparing to rebuttal."
This lady is wisdom personified. She hits the nail on the head so many times. I love listening to her
My husband and I never fight....
We have been together 12 years and we are happy.
We do disagree over things, but always focus in finding a solution.
Maritza Cardona Mejía same with my husband and I, married two years together six
Something wrong if isn’t argue in relationship...🤭😂
Well done
That's what I would want if I wanted to be in a relationship, that's souls in harmony. I believe some people are blessed souls who meet their other half and I am very happy to see people truly in love.
Today Training lmao bickering and fighting isn’t passion or love. It’s selfishness and not wanting to listen to the other person. It’s about what you did wrong and not me. She explained it perfectly how did it all go through your head?
The story about her parents and family and how her parents met is incredible.
Ester! You are simply divine! You are my surrogate auntie, I adore you xxx
Esther Perel, im in love with this session, it made me cry a little because I feel bad about my relationship😞
She is so well spoken and intelligent.
This woman is just so intelligent and on point I'm so happy I've discovered her a while back changed my perspective on some things
These men know they are dealing with a PRO.
SHE IS RELATIONSHIP GENIUS!
Gorgeous story about her parents. She is brilliant.
The guy in the brown suit is DEFINITELY in a kitchen sink relationship. Watch his face 😂
i love her intelligence and style in clothes and jewellry. i would love to see her as a therapist as i know her wisdom could change me for the better
Each person is actually contributing to the extreme version that the other becomes. Wow.
Yes. This is resonating deeply with me.
I love this woman. She speaks the truth. We can all learn from her.
DarthYuYevon you do you. you can create the relationship (s) you want with like minded people. Just let it go man. Let yourself and others surrender to the love they want. As long as you're not hurting anyone and the relationship is healthy, mutual and reciprocal. for instance You can't assume that monogamy is best for everybody. Some people just can't do it. Or that homosexual relationships are wrong, defective or unnatural. Even other animals display homosexuality. Why are you denying reality that these people do exist?
This woman is extremely helpful and truthful. She is simply speaking things you don't want to hear
She’s so passionate when she talked about those “examples”
"each person is actually contributing to the extreme version that the other person become"
Finally a great role model for women!!
I love the way she express herself, I've been ashamed by the fact of having an accent but this women makes me feel empowered!
I love her work!
I love how flexible her interviews are. Her signature necklace is like a ladder or stairway to the heart and mind. A pathway between love being a feeling and choice.
Wow the history of her parents is so intriguing, sad, but beautiful. Her parents seemed like soul mates
Oh my goodness she’s such a compassionate and articulate person and her father is amazing as well. I love gentle people like that. :)
I love what she said about how sometimes your partner is making you feel things that have nothing to do with them. Like some ways that your partner behaves can trigger old childhood traumas and wounds. This happened with me and my ex husband a lot towards the end of our marriage. But the large problem was with his complete denial of my feelings. There were times when I would say to him, "You're making me feel like how my brother treated me when we were kids," and his response was always, "NO. Don't you DARE say that to me! I'm NOTHING like HIM! I would NEVER treat you like that. Don't you EVER say that to me again," and then of course I'd just slump my shoulders and walk away. He didn't want to hear it which made me feel even more like I was somehow married to my brother. But it's another example of how communication during a fight can only happen if both people are willing to participate and take a moment to just listen.
He may have been so defensive because you said “You’re making me feel..” rather than “I am feeling…”. If you study Non-Violent Communication, you will understand how to communicate what you are experiencing in a way that does not use language to blame the other, and therefore allows them to be more open to hearing you. It’s taking self responsibility for our triggers, while still clearly sharing our feelings.
@@erinparsley true. But no amount of talking would've made him take responsibility for his behavior. An alcoholic, compulsive liar can't do that no matter how nicely you explain how they're hurting you.
I love love love Esther Perel ❤️
When I listen to Esther Perel, understanding and awareness of my relationships are splayed out before me in a room of open safes and full length mirrors, and I get it. It's life-saving, and I appreciate her!
From my perspective and experience, these practices do not apply with people with narcissism of any level.
Esther is profound and eye-opening.
Narcissists are 1% of the population. yet what she says covers them too. for example: a. Power and control. b. Don't follow them if they go. c. Shame: I feel so bad about myself I don't want you to remind me of it.
@@ruthlfrancis Not sure nowadays narcissists are only 1% of the population, plus it requires empathy to be able to say sorry genuinely and be open to the needs of the other and of the relationship..Sincere Empathy is quite a thing narcissists lack of.
@@sylviamore1 The word Narcissist is used widely but the specifics of the diagnosis mean it's more narrow than many think. What I do find profound is Esters' ability to create rules that apply in all cases. Rules that apply whatever the %.
@@ruthlfrancis [EDIT; I wrote this before seeing your response to Sylvia- so never mind!😊]
your comment is 3 years older than mine-so you may have already adjusted your perception of %population who are narcissistic; check out med-circle & other more recent shows… I totally agree with what you said. I know from past experience how difficult it is to stay in a relationship with a traumatized person who feels threatened while trying to maintain one’s own sense of worth.
AND - your second statement: apply the rules irrespective of the %s. Reminding self for future!
1. Power & control
2. Care & Closeness
3. Respect & Recognition
she is a treasure, we all need to listen to this woman! in the last few min. I associate greatly with her dad.
Esther was on fire in this interview :) Love her, her knowledge the way she delivers it, her passion and mission, as well as the way her parents met. Such a powerful way to sublimate tragedy and transform into a gift for humanity.
This woman is amazing. AMAZING
1000% - Every single fight with my wife has been tied to one of these 3 things.
She's phenomenal!
She’s a genius, love this!
She's too much. I so love and admire her from day 1. I cannot get tired or bored when I listen to her. Such a gift to the world to have her.
i love how the interviewer is mindblown at every answer she has
Watching in 2020, she nailed me with the kitchen sink strategy. She’s amazing, stay safe peeps.
At about 6.30 watch her face as she is listening to him she is really listening with every cell of her body
The power coming off this woman is palpable. I love it.
She dropped so many jewels that I would love to hear her expand upon. Each statement could be a whole chapter of a book.
Esther Parel - great clarity . great expression. touches a chord wtih audience
Genius, the way she talks, just captivates your attention and the hosts are so repectful, they listen instead of interupting. Great show!
Underlying issues:
-Power & Control
-Care & Consideration
-Respect & Value 💕
Esther, PLEASE, we need you to elaborate more on the three themes you mentioned: power and control, closeness and care, respect and recognition
She knows so much about something that most people know so little about!
My God, She’s brilliant!
As a habitual and self-confessed cheat, I can't have more than enough of Esther. Thanks Skavlan for bringing her back.
She made me cry near the end,she is really good.
My fiancé and I made a CZcams video based off this exact discussion. We love this.
Really wish she worked in my city would go and see her in a heartbeat, would love if she would do more stuff to help those who can’t visit her personally
"If I feel this way then you must have done this....." I know that one
Absolutely incredible person!!! I can listen to her forever and every time I open something new!
Accountability; the ability to see yourself as a flawed person, and STILL hold yourself in high regard.
I'm in awe with every sentence!!
She described me and my boyfriend without ever having met us. Thank God for psychologists like her! ♥️
She's extremely intelligent, yet beautiful. More knowledge, more vexation.
Love her, she knows her craft. No one is even interrupting or saying a thing because they all know that they can learn a lot from her.
This lady is so insightful and articulate.
A lot of couples should see this... Although you have 2 people, there are 2 people responsible for what they say and do, but with humor we can relativate things more...Because as Esther tells us: under expressions are an inner need for something... We are human....
Im 54 and believe couples can last for a lifetime with no fighting. The biggest this to keep a relationship going to always show respect for each other and to make both partners feels like they are number 1 in there life. Commplament each other like you are winning team and you 2 are made to be with each other.
She is sharp and cutting in her approach
I love your work it has been life changing for me. and also life changing was my best friends' trick/tip to enjoy the stuff in bed with my husband. bc he's so bad in there. so thx to her and the natural drops spanish fly i'm finally satisfied
i love this psychotherapist ! wow your friend has to be genious . how did she find it out? as i'm bad in bed i think this is a must-have for me...
I was truly amazed her deep insight and truth of our personalities accumulated through all those experiences . But also truly shocked the host ' s shallow reactions and dump and weak questioning upon her .
She' s brillant
신혜정 too many Men are sooo emotionally weak.
@@joeldwest couldn't agree with u more:)
Yeah...indeed.pity her
Talk show hosts aren't used to dealing with people like Esther Perel. I might look at his interview with Jordan Petersen to see if he interviews him better.
Esther is so smart and insightful, I love listening to her. I follow her channel as well.
🥰
“Self esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed person and continue to hold yourself in high regard” .
Esther, we can’t get enough of you. When is your next book? 🙏😇
just 35 seconds into the interview and you get that feeling that this lady knows "stuff" , that she is not just an average kind of a being but a really expert at the thing she is doing .
She is always relevant in her explanations with realistic exemples with a great energy.
Extra ordinary woman who have so much to share to humanity! Super intelligent too!
She is amazing.
She is so so so right, she is fantastic
Esther Perel is incredible. I watch these three men listening to her and getting completely lost... MEN START GOING TO THERAPY: IT IS THE BEST GIFT YOU CAN GIVE YOURSELF AND TO THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE.
Oh my, what a beautiful person and a powerful story