Fight Smarter: Avoid the Most Common Argument Patterns - Esther Perel

Sdílet
Vložit
  • čas přidán 23. 03. 2017
  • “Once in awhile I am late and my boyfriend takes it so personally. I can understand why he gets upset but he blows it way out of proportion and triggers our biggest fights. How can I convince him it’s not about him?" - Paul, Fort Collins, Colorado
    No relationship is free of conflict. Listen to my advice on ways to resolve the most common argument patterns and learn how to fight better.
    --
    For more relational resources from Esther Perel, visit estherperel.com.

Komentáře • 910

  • @wanjikushiko8215
    @wanjikushiko8215 Před 4 lety +914

    "In arguments and in hurts, I suggest that you do not think about yourself as the person with the right measurement stick of what is worthy of being upset about and what is not"

  • @JudyAnne741
    @JudyAnne741 Před 6 lety +1397

    “It is truth of your experience, but not necessarily the truth of what happens.” I’m going to try to remember that. 💛

    • @relaxwithscriptures
      @relaxwithscriptures Před 4 lety +5

      JudyAnne same here!

    • @andkyrmar
      @andkyrmar Před 4 lety +20

      It’s a truly poetic line, but if said to a true narcissist, is a waste of time.

    • @JohnSmith-vy4lh
      @JohnSmith-vy4lh Před 3 lety +1

      This is total Ashkenazi psycho babal.

    • @manpreetapr9
      @manpreetapr9 Před 3 lety

      Same here.. Might help me prevent some fights in our home. 😊

    • @anac8654
      @anac8654 Před 3 lety

      Story of my relationship

  • @Chaz_NFQ
    @Chaz_NFQ Před 3 lety +163

    This woman has such a way of articulating what most of us feel and (likely) fail to communicate effectively on a regular basis

  • @nessav7258
    @nessav7258 Před 4 lety +675

    Esther basically gives free psychology advice and people use the thumbs down.

    • @juliejay5436
      @juliejay5436 Před 4 lety +25

      Nessa V what I find incredibly sad is that so many people waste their precious time watching Dr Phil crap or Jeremy Kyle, both repugnant!

    • @lovedove2661
      @lovedove2661 Před 4 lety +21

      Those who thumbs down are the psychologists who dont want couples to grow together.

    • @foxdylan9536
      @foxdylan9536 Před 4 lety +26

      I don’t think Ester loses any sleep over this...

    • @ninjabreadgirl
      @ninjabreadgirl Před 4 lety +1

      Yeah, people suck

    • @puma5471
      @puma5471 Před 4 lety +1

      Crazy isn’t it?

  • @qilin3530
    @qilin3530 Před 4 lety +561

    This is hard advice to follow when the other party doesn’t have this same realization and willingness to reconcile.

    • @jennybugsification13
      @jennybugsification13 Před 4 lety +13

      So true....

    • @gomonkeyfly
      @gomonkeyfly Před 4 lety +37

      if you want to be with the other person, you might not always want to judge the situation from your own pov. if you cant do that then dont be in that relationship. think about when you are irrational, do you want your SO to break up every time you are illogical?

    • @SA-zk3ny
      @SA-zk3ny Před 4 lety

      facts

    • @thisisdreamshadow
      @thisisdreamshadow Před 4 lety +11

      You should send them this video :)

    • @entertain7us148
      @entertain7us148 Před 3 lety +33

      exactly. her advice is given on the assumption that both parties love each other and will do whatever it takes to make it work. sadly, a lot of couples have gone beyond that and simply can't work anymore.

  • @BlueCammo
    @BlueCammo Před 7 lety +653

    Great advice! This even goes beyond romantic relationships but all relationships.

    • @pragawa
      @pragawa Před 3 lety +3

      Absolutely@all relationships

  • @jmcarbone2754
    @jmcarbone2754 Před 4 lety +72

    If you want to have a long term happy relationship with your partner do not make winning arguments a goal. Being a winner means there is a loser. Argue to reach common ground.
    Excellent video.

  • @briana14333
    @briana14333 Před 4 lety +73

    Don't justify or explain; just apologize, let him be mad and empathize. Easier said than done.... for now.
    This is great advice. thank you!

  • @missb4016
    @missb4016 Před 2 lety +67

    "Mine is situational, yours is circumstantial" I will try to avoid "always" and "never" during fights. Thanks for the incredible advise as usual :)

  • @jhask64
    @jhask64 Před 6 lety +420

    This video is about so much more than "being late." The insight on "confirmation bias" is incredible! I am so guilty of this and I knew it wasn't good, but I could not see the whole scope of it. Thank you! I just discovered your videos and am excited about learning more on not changing my wife, but changing ME.

    • @ArtU4All
      @ArtU4All Před 4 lety +15

      J Hask
      Amen! The ONE person we CAN change 🌞🙏🏻♥️

    • @erwintan4746
      @erwintan4746 Před 3 lety +7

      how is now 3 years later?

    • @abdulmaliks
      @abdulmaliks Před 2 lety +4

      I found her by chance on tik tok then look her up on CZcams she is amazing worth watching 🌹

    • @doymon
      @doymon Před 8 měsíci

      And 5 years later?

  • @Amanda.eliott
    @Amanda.eliott Před 9 měsíci +12

    "Most Difficult part is knowing needs and expectations of your partner". We were always too shy to openly talk about it. My husband eventually found a better way to deal with it. We started playing couple question games like "lovify". In this game you have to guess what your partner likes. And, with these games we got to know a lot about each other ❤

  • @TL-vp8uh
    @TL-vp8uh Před 5 lety +103

    “Confirmation Bias” becomes so overwhelming when you are in a relationship with a narcissistic gaslighter. You end up living your entire relationship trying to prove to yourself that they don’t care about you and then you go crazy 😜

    • @justicestanford5894
      @justicestanford5894 Před 2 měsíci +1

      Yes if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist this video isn’t for you they run by different rules. I suggest Ramani Durvasula

  • @VestinVestin
    @VestinVestin Před 4 lety +86

    "Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action."

  • @biimare
    @biimare Před 5 lety +42

    "Confirmation Bias" has never felt so accurate in my entire life. Omg - A- I am so aware now.

  • @rafaelveggi
    @rafaelveggi Před 5 lety +22

    "I suggest a good dose of humor when this happens" -- made my day!

  • @shebaglover3986
    @shebaglover3986 Před 6 lety +257

    Lady! the way you word this... you have a true gift to the point i can not explicate....Wow!!!! you have change my interior thought process.

    • @daniellamoreno3616
      @daniellamoreno3616 Před 4 lety +3

      She is absolutely amazing!!

    • @plusbonus1165
      @plusbonus1165 Před 4 lety +6

      Sheba , just apologize to your man and be prepared for him to faint !
      The fun happens later !!

  • @Bismillilah
    @Bismillilah Před 6 lety +444

    I had a fight with my husband which was actually a build up of a lot of resentment after we had a baby.. I was taking out my frustration on him unknowingly thinking he didn't care. He had a massive outburst one night. Finally that night I watched one of your videos Esther, and next day everything changed. Changing my attitude towards him, my apology and the way I carried it off so gracefully thanks to you made wonders happen. So yeah, true fan of your talks! Stay blessed and keep churning up these beautiful insights! :D

    • @plusbonus1165
      @plusbonus1165 Před 4 lety +26

      Cher , you have the golden key.
      Most men have never had a woman apologize to them. From their Moms and sisters right through to their wives it just doesn't happen.
      Men are taught to apologize and shake hands , women generally sort things out differently.
      We're all learners. Good work.

    • @TNDCBaby
      @TNDCBaby Před 4 lety +11

      @@plusbonus1165 and sometimes someone can apologize all of the time and the other person seems to forget every single time. LOL we humans are the funniest.

    • @mrsc4760
      @mrsc4760 Před 4 lety +33

      @@plusbonus1165
      If you look at research you will see that women apologise more than men.
      This is very easy for you to research to see in correct.

    • @lipsohlips97
      @lipsohlips97 Před 3 lety +8

      She changes lives. Facts.

    • @nottedeliziosaa
      @nottedeliziosaa Před 3 lety +3

      @@plusbonus1165 I apologize with a sincere will to be a better wife every week to my husband and he sometimes says a short sorry so I dont get mad so I dont know where you got your information

  • @janerylands-bolton2928
    @janerylands-bolton2928 Před 4 lety +13

    I could listen to you all day, Esther. You deserve the Nobel Peace prize.

  • @rafazeppelin
    @rafazeppelin Před 7 lety +244

    Oh, God! Now I feel so ashamed after watching this video.
    We had a huge argument last night just because she forgot to buy the eggs that I asked for. And I tried hard to remember some of the advises that you already gave but none came to mind, since I was so numb with anger. I think that what infuriated me the most was the fact that we were in such a great mood before this. So, first I started to complain about the eggs but it turn into a strange cicle of arguments about the argument we were having. Very paradoxal...
    Anyway, thanks a lot for your videos! It helped us a lot. I always watch more than once to try to get the whole message.
    Greetings from Brasil!

    • @anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788
      @anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788 Před 3 lety +13

      You've said it. We know the logic and the theory but once something upsets us we seem to forget. It's hard remaining cold when you are on fire!

    • @JCAH1
      @JCAH1 Před 3 lety +20

      You were numb with anger because she forgot to buy eggs? Hmmmm......

    • @TheIrishBosnian
      @TheIrishBosnian Před 3 lety +16

      Man just wanted some eggs.

    • @EM-KeepingtheFaith
      @EM-KeepingtheFaith Před 3 lety +12

      I love your honesty! Thanks. We all are dumb and petty sometimes. I'm working on making sure I own my dumbness. There. New word.

    • @LemansSunset350
      @LemansSunset350 Před 3 lety +2

      @@TheIrishBosnian 🤣

  • @erfanchannel
    @erfanchannel Před 5 lety +5

    @6:32 she almost says “it just feels so fucked up”, but says “annoying” instead lol
    I love her; she talks with so much passion

  • @silviar.7438
    @silviar.7438 Před 6 lety +116

    Am I the only one that thinks this is genius advice ? So insightful !! Thank you Esther xxx

    • @jhask64
      @jhask64 Před 6 lety

      Silvia R. Agree!!!

    • @robinplan1858
      @robinplan1858 Před 5 lety

      Why would you think you're the only one? What a weird, backhanded compliment. Issues with brilliant women, perhaps?

  • @fishcanon8141
    @fishcanon8141 Před 4 lety +24

    As I get older and crave for something meaningful and long-lasting, Esther’s wisdom resonates more and more with me. Should ask my partner to follow her as well!

  • @MetubeYoutube
    @MetubeYoutube Před 6 měsíci +2

    Esther gets it. She knows the heart of it. She's my favorite therapist/expert in the relationship space.

  • @SuperNashum
    @SuperNashum Před 5 lety +48

    I think when you truly love your partner and you see that being late triggers deep reaction in him/her you organize yourself and come on time.
    I never had this issue with my previous partners but with one friend. She always late. And it’s a fact. And I do consider this attitude like a major “don’t care” which is visible in her behavior about other things.
    And with time i started to arrive late myself to the meetings with her. It also allowed me to flex my rigid neurotic mind that others should behave like I believe is right. May be these kind of people are sent to our life so we can learn to be less rigid and less categorical and of course to heal our past traumas.
    Also worth mentioning not to be fixating on the time while you are waiting but use these extra minutes on loving yourself, asking yourself how are you doing for the past few days/weeks, observe the nature, relax while breathing deeply because when the other person will arrive you won’t be able to do it. Use these extra time as a gift from the Universe and as the hint that you don’t have enough of quality space for yourself. 😉
    Sending love to everyone ❤️
    P.S. I prefer Marshall Rosenberg “Non violent communication” it’s even softer.

    • @jaymesigler6402
      @jaymesigler6402 Před 9 měsíci

      I have ADHD. It's rare and almost impossible for me to be on time. It's not something I can fix by just "organizing myself and coming on time." Anyone in my life needs to understand that I will do my best, but I will be late often. They can feel however they feel about it, but they have to either accept it or move on.

  • @vladimirsamsonov46
    @vladimirsamsonov46 Před 3 lety +3

    "give them space and stay connected". A great advice for DA/AP relationship dynamic.

  • @patrickdavid6525
    @patrickdavid6525 Před 5 lety +34

    This woman is amazing. Bless her heart. So passionate, precise, and I just love the she points out my areas of improvement I'm just happy to change my perception she is awesome !

  • @DragonballG.
    @DragonballG. Před 8 měsíci +2

    Esther is an incredibly communicator. Precise, concise, ordered, easy to understand for everyone.

  • @jillyoung1282
    @jillyoung1282 Před 2 lety +1

    Listen to this woman! She’s incredible! English isn’t even her mother tongue, yet she’s so fluent. Every word matters.

  • @vishwav20
    @vishwav20 Před 6 lety +28

    I think having these kind of dialogues within one's self and practicing it with things that are annoying to ourselves gives a greater edge when using it with spouse/partner. Because lets face it, there are times we are annoyed with things even when partners are not involved and using these techniques on ourselves reveals a great deal about our tolerance levels, what annoys us and where we are vulnerable.

  • @lisarobinson3521
    @lisarobinson3521 Před 4 lety +9

    Where have you been all my marriage!!! I love your advice. You are out here changing lives. 🙏😊

  • @grocerygrip
    @grocerygrip Před 4 lety +2

    Humility is a POWERFUL thing

  • @julugs2000
    @julugs2000 Před 4 lety +5

    I first heard the "confirmation bias" in the book called "thinking, fast, and slow". I didn't think it would apply to the argument patterns. but now I know!

  • @aynooralwerfali3761
    @aynooralwerfali3761 Před 4 lety +4

    I feel like i should watch your video while holding a note and a pen ...every word is wisdom. Respect ❤❤

  • @splashpit
    @splashpit Před 6 lety +51

    I like how you give them the benefit of doubt that they are sometimes on time ! My wife has never been on time and it got old quickly , I lie about the time we need to be ready to leave or the start time .
    You are a very smart lady and I'm going to watch all you're videos .

    • @tarledamanley2832
      @tarledamanley2832 Před 4 lety +5

      🤣🤣I tell my kids a different time so we can leave on time. I don't lie necessarily I tell them you need to be ready by this time and then we leave on time

    • @IamRjack
      @IamRjack Před 3 lety

      Time always seems to get away from me. Very irritating to my husband, as well. Its not that I don't care about him, I don't care that much about time, and his 'obsession' sort of irritates me. Out of respect, I am trying to care more, and he precues me if it's something really important. I think we've worked this out as well as we can.

    • @RFernandez18
      @RFernandez18 Před 2 lety

      I'm so bad with being on time, I can't help it. I'm late literally to everything everyday. I've had consequences of all kinds. Lost jobs, missed important appts, paid extra money,, lost money, lost opportunities...I've upset and ruined personal relationships and still, I cannot be early. I'll know about a specific event weeks in advance and have all the time in the world to be ready and prepared but still, I manage to be late ( I don't hold a normal job for this reason).
      I sometimes feel like I'm just cursed...😳😔

    • @beavermama9025
      @beavermama9025 Před 2 lety

      @@RFernandez18 just curious what are you doing with your time while you’re late? Maybe that can give you some insight…it’s easy to waste hours playing on your phone etc. I set timers of when to leave otherwise I’d forget and/or lose track of time as well.

    • @RFernandez18
      @RFernandez18 Před 2 lety +1

      @@beavermama9025 I'm literally walking around stressing about what needs to get done and what am I forgetting while getting nothing done.

  • @holly_kay5570
    @holly_kay5570 Před rokem +2

    Good info. My husband and I had our coffee cups printed with the phrase "assume positive intent" because we discovered that we often assumed negative intent. It helps when one of us get in that feeling of how could you do this to "me."

  • @ChocolateJewels
    @ChocolateJewels Před 5 lety +1

    My god, I love this woman! So much clarity in her words, insane. Thank you.

  • @sanitysquota937
    @sanitysquota937 Před 3 lety +7

    This is great advice for all relationships; not just romantic ones. We can even apply it to work because I often feel as though when I'm running behind on tasks, it is because of circumstances but when someone else is, it is due to some character flaw or other.

  • @Z1ldjiann
    @Z1ldjiann Před 7 lety +4

    I hope you continue this format for a while, I really enjoy the nuanced advice!

  • @CataBodyTable
    @CataBodyTable Před 7 lety +251

    I love your videos and the way you speak Esther!

    • @markacanizales6616
      @markacanizales6616 Před 6 lety +1

      I love her. I just find this videos, never is let

    • @JaneyImaaniEmotionalAwareness
      @JaneyImaaniEmotionalAwareness Před 5 lety

      me too

    • @somyan8540
      @somyan8540 Před 5 lety

      @@JaneyImaaniEmotionalAwareness I don't know who is in love with me
      How am I to respond
      1. It's correct what you are sayin'
      2. Other people do the things you mention in this video for their own reasons
      A person might not be understood or accepted because the person she is talking to isn't the one that loces her
      Otherwise she would be understood and accepted.

  • @TinaMB85
    @TinaMB85 Před 2 lety +4

    Just found your videos and I am so thankful for them. Me and my boyfriend have been having more arguments than we were. He accuses me of a lot of things. Wednesday we had a talk that went good but then he mentioned something after the talk that lead to our first big fight. He told me yesterday if we have one more argument that he’ll leave me. Things we’ve discussed what what we like, how we’re showing we love each other and things that drive us insane that we can’t deal with. I am tired of arguing and realized I’m just going t stop reacting to negative things he says or does because it’s not worth it. I’m going to watch more of your videos and take your advice in the hopes that changing MY behavior changes HIS and we can be happier TOGETHER being we’re both being treated how we want to be

  • @blakrumba
    @blakrumba Před 5 lety +4

    This video just made me look in the mirror about how I express myself. Thank you Esther, lots of learning going on here.

  • @lindsaycook3738
    @lindsaycook3738 Před 7 lety +9

    Ms. Perel, I just had the honour of listing to you on the Tim Ferriss Show - absolutely outstanding and very thought provoking. Thank you. I was elated to learn you were also on CZcams. Be well.

  • @Chiclette-ld1xx
    @Chiclette-ld1xx Před 6 lety +2

    Esther Perel you are gifting us with such wisdom in the realm of relationships. You are awesome! Thank YOU!

  • @daneillefoster-russell1656

    This is so incredibly true in my relationships. Esther the way you communicate really sinks in. Thank you.

  • @veemon
    @veemon Před 5 lety +7

    Bless the CZcams gods for bringing this woman into my feed!

  • @edwardkirshenbaum3827
    @edwardkirshenbaum3827 Před 5 lety +3

    Ms Perel, thank you. This world needs to hear this stuff and you make it very accessible for people not familiarized with behavioral pshyc jargon. Kudos. That's not easily done.
    Was starting to "feel" very alone. Appreciate the renewal in humanitarian faith. 💓

  • @Godz1stlady
    @Godz1stlady Před 4 lety

    I hardly comment on the thousands of videos that I watch on CZcams but this was gold. A light bulb definitely went off for me.Thank you for sharing Esther💕

  • @DrUnatiDrMHealthCorner
    @DrUnatiDrMHealthCorner Před 4 lety +1

    There's layers to that analysis that someone doesn't care. It could send you straight to your subconscious. We tend to navigate stories that go back to our experiences in childhood. Either they happened or we misunderstood and we build up stories.

  • @twigsoflife
    @twigsoflife Před 2 lety +3

    Hi Esther I just come across this video today and after watching this I check more of your videos and I am so impress of your knowledge about relationship especially about marriage relationship. Thank you so much for your super duper deep understanding and knowledge and for sharing these to me/us. It enlightens me so much that now am working out myself toward my husband😊. Love you and your knowledge.. you are indeed a gift.

  • @hannahjouy8644
    @hannahjouy8644 Před 7 lety +38

    I love the conversations and dialogues that you are opening up. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge, it's making me hungry to know more really.

    • @hannahjouy8644
      @hannahjouy8644 Před 7 lety +1

      also, how can I ask a question? :) through here or are the questions submitted elsewhere?

    • @user-xw9yz3bn8l
      @user-xw9yz3bn8l Před 6 lety

      Hannah Jo Uy good evenning hanna iam admir mor for your comment possibe known you

    • @user-xw9yz3bn8l
      @user-xw9yz3bn8l Před 6 lety

      Hannah Jo Uy no problem if yoy seen thats diffcult

  • @Angels-3xist
    @Angels-3xist Před 4 lety +1

    Useful information in all human interaction. I’ve been looking to hear someone say something enlightening for years. This person is amazing.

  • @lalithamariaperez2937
    @lalithamariaperez2937 Před 3 lety

    I love this woman... Her advices are so practical. LOVE YOU, ESTER PEREL! You're a life saver!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • @damianjenkins6577
    @damianjenkins6577 Před 4 lety +5

    You’re such a brilliant scholar and researcher. You capture the complexities involved with human relationships and you share your knowledge so generously.

    • @christianpulisic7784
      @christianpulisic7784 Před 3 lety +1

      Damian Jenkins,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌹🌹🌷🌺, hope you are with a good man!!

  • @pennygillen1936
    @pennygillen1936 Před 7 lety +32

    I really appreciate your perspective on things! You have a very relatable style of presenting ideas, thank you.

  • @anac8654
    @anac8654 Před 3 lety +2

    This woman speaks pure gold

  • @valentinavijay6086
    @valentinavijay6086 Před 6 lety

    I just love you mam .. for your thoughts, how you understand the nuances of relationships, your language, the way your put forth... I cannot stop listening to you !!!!

  • @anonikamous
    @anonikamous Před 7 lety +46

    Fuck. Ms. Perel, your incredibly incisive, well reasoned and investigated reports on human conduct and relational interactions have been beyond illuminating and am so incredibly grateful to have run across your wisdom. Thank you.

    • @hughrblackwell
      @hughrblackwell Před 6 lety +2

      Learn some manners. Correct your message. You have no reason or right to swear on CZcams.

    • @erwintan4746
      @erwintan4746 Před 3 lety

      @@hughrblackwell LOL

  • @relaxwithscriptures
    @relaxwithscriptures Před 4 lety +3

    I absolutely enjoyed this and learned a lot in this 7 minutes! ❤️

  • @rosejacks8662
    @rosejacks8662 Před 5 lety +2

    Take a deep breath and think before your speak. Words are powerful, thank you, Esther!

  • @nowhereisfar
    @nowhereisfar Před 6 lety

    relationship advice based on cognitive science, amazing discourse structure, practical advice and expressivity-backed transmission of information. i think the most amazing aspect of your speeches is how you model in your own behavior the healthy approaches, the mental clarity you speak of, it makes it all so much more impactful.

  • @miamigroove
    @miamigroove Před 7 lety +5

    Esther thank you for your brilliance!

  • @charliem.p.4864
    @charliem.p.4864 Před 4 lety +39

    OMG you have a YT channel? There goes my evening...

    • @christianpulisic7784
      @christianpulisic7784 Před 3 lety

      Charlie M. P,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌷🌺,hope you are with a good man!!

  • @SexMusicPlants
    @SexMusicPlants Před 3 lety +1

    I could listen to her talk all day...

  • @cm3524
    @cm3524 Před 5 lety +1

    I have watched this video 5 times now, this is so absolutely true! I have been following you for quite some time now and I really appreciate and love your work. Thank you!

  • @amelialee2142
    @amelialee2142 Před 7 lety +37

    I am so enchanted with this haircut, style and accessories of course the advice is amazing and helpful as always. Thank you for the new style! I am showing this cut to my hair stylist!

    • @asmrmamazen6508
      @asmrmamazen6508 Před 6 lety +3

      Amelia Lee now if we can just find those glasses!!

    • @Shezztravel
      @Shezztravel Před 3 lety

      The necklace and blouse I love it distracting me from listening

  • @test1test219
    @test1test219 Před 4 lety +3

    0:32 Exactly!!!! Being the person that is most sensitive in the relationship it’s easy for the other person to act all righteous which only makes it worst.

  • @thecoleplace
    @thecoleplace Před 2 lety +1

    By far some of the best relationship advice I’ve ever heard, thank you so much!

  • @donramonito
    @donramonito Před 7 měsíci

    Esther is fearless in her forays into the human mind of relationships and arguing. A brilliant mind.

  • @tatianapostman9134
    @tatianapostman9134 Před 6 lety +7

    Such a brilliant woman!

  • @adardarnov2445
    @adardarnov2445 Před 3 lety +10

    I appreciate the analysis. Especially the part about accepting how the person who feels they are wronged feels about this. But isn't a key piece of advice to Paul missing from this? Which is that he should simply make an effort to take responsibility for how he is acting and how it makes his partner feel and to try to stop being late so often? I showed up late to a couple dates with someone and realized I wouldn't accept that as a recurrent behavior in someone so I decided to stop and I've been on time basically ever since.

  • @Robutnikon
    @Robutnikon Před 4 lety

    GAWD I love you. Confirmation bias can be so intense! I really appreciate your reflection -- the manner in which you bring awareness to the subject. Oof. It's a tough one, but having even one tool in our tool-box to recognize these patterns is SO helpful 🙏🏻🙏🏻

  • @briankpaine
    @briankpaine Před 3 lety +1

    Wow that was an amazing talk. There's so much good content and so much to unpack. Definitely need to rewatch over and over and over again.

  • @yasminetouati2441
    @yasminetouati2441 Před 7 lety +2

    Thank you for this super explanation ! You're such an inspiration for me :)

  • @kellietrudel8222
    @kellietrudel8222 Před 5 lety +6

    Wow. How you broke this down Esther! I learned so much from this! Thanks so much 💐

    • @christianpulisic7784
      @christianpulisic7784 Před 3 lety

      Kellie Trudel,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌹🥀🥀🥀🌷 dear,hope you are with a good man!!

  • @luizasoliveira
    @luizasoliveira Před 5 lety

    Dear Esther, your way with words and giving examples is amazing !!! Thank you for sharing it. Your videos are great !!!

  • @inspired2rv661
    @inspired2rv661 Před rokem +1

    I totally get this and it is so helpful! I’ve been working on improving my relationships for years and this little nugget shifts everything with those people in my life that accuse me of exactly what was described in the letter you responded to in this video..
    I am a very loving and caring person that offers assistance to lots of people all the time and my family hates it. It’s been a source of frustration in my marriage and with my children for many years and I’m so grateful for this video today I am going to respond differently. Thank you🙏🏻💕🌻

  • @2029killtime
    @2029killtime Před 4 lety +8

    Damn I was recommended this by yt after this literally happened between my partner and I. I first watched this not realising it was so perfectly spoken for me.

  • @octaviakotinan4429
    @octaviakotinan4429 Před 5 lety +3

    I just love so much your science about relationships! It's so real!

    • @christianpulisic7784
      @christianpulisic7784 Před 3 lety

      Octavia Koti Nan,You look cute 🌹🌹,hope you are with a good man!!

  • @ildikokiss4647
    @ildikokiss4647 Před 4 lety +2

    Esther Perel, I have always been fascinated by human relationships and behavior. Some months ago I found you and you put into words what my mind has always thought. Of course in a much more structured and eloquent way. Thank you so much for existing and for your work, I believe that in these confused times your work is critical and what you are doing is an amazing service to humanity. I really hope I can, in some some small ways, help sharing your understanding with the people I meet. God bless you! Vargha

  • @amidadaka3184
    @amidadaka3184 Před 5 lety +1

    You are such a good communicator. I love the selection of your words which are easy to understand. You are blessed and talented.

  • @elliefeitosa
    @elliefeitosa Před 7 lety +21

    You are such a cool lady! I just love to watch your videos!
    I think that your accent helps a lot to delivery the message. Cheers!

    • @mylifejen6372
      @mylifejen6372 Před 5 lety +1

      Ellie Feitosa me too! It’s like what she says is brilliant, but HOW she says it is just the icing on the cake. Her intelligence and insight is intoxicating.

  • @natalianatalia383
    @natalianatalia383 Před 6 lety +7

    Esther, you are such an ispirational, wonderful and beautiful woman!!! You have such an intensive positive energy!!! So, happy I have found you on the internet!!! :-)

  • @freddywarren69
    @freddywarren69 Před 4 lety +2

    Thank you. This has revealed a lot about my relationship. Spot on.

  • @krishnadevyadav5702
    @krishnadevyadav5702 Před rokem +1

    Excellent thanks, Every question will be answered, every desire will be fulfilled. Never again do you need to be afraid,Never again do you need to suffer.

  • @SuperPassionflower
    @SuperPassionflower Před 5 lety +3

    you are such an inspiring human, woman, psychotherapist. I love the way you discuss issues, so much clarity you bring, accessible and understandable to all if I may put it that way. I have so loved your appearance in Dutch program Zomergasten and have whole heartedly recommended my son (2nd year student Psychology with the ambition to become a Psychotherapist and/or Sexologist one day) to see it as well as look for your channel here. I hope he does because there is much he can learn from seeing and hearing you. Bless you!

  • @marqueztamen4137
    @marqueztamen4137 Před 5 lety +20

    How can someone on earth dislike this video?? 🤦🏽‍♂️

    • @Kareragirl
      @Kareragirl Před 4 lety +4

      Maybe they feel called out.

    • @imalwaysme4332
      @imalwaysme4332 Před 3 lety

      @@Kareragirl
      🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 most positive!!

  • @144Donn
    @144Donn Před 6 lety +2

    FEAR causes these kinds of people (you ALWAYS etc) to think in this manner! I love and admire Esther..I am surprised she does not bring in the idea of fear into her analysis. Also, a consistent mind-frame focused on giving as opposed to taking is vital and protective! There are those who say, the first moment you focus on what you can get from your partner, is the beginning of the end of the relationship.

  • @Karebearstare
    @Karebearstare Před 4 lety +1

    Thank you for sharing your incredible wisdom. I’ve been watching all your videos since I saw you on RTT.

  • @toddppool1626
    @toddppool1626 Před 4 lety +4

    Divorced after 26 years of marriage. My wife had “confirmation bias” and only attended marriage therapy to “help” me. She had total denial about any issues on her side of the road. She created an alternate reality and even our grown children cannot deal with her anger and denial. She’s on her 4th boyfriend this year.

    • @illseed83
      @illseed83 Před 3 lety +3

      Bro that’s just women in a nutshell. Sorry about your divorce

    • @jakobcox3553
      @jakobcox3553 Před 11 měsíci +1

      @@illseed83keep your head up, I found a good one, have faith

  • @MisterPeruz
    @MisterPeruz Před 7 lety +7

    Esther, i'm watching you from italy. I just wanna say Thanks, really.

  • @alannaharley5615
    @alannaharley5615 Před 3 lety +1

    I'm surprised I didn't see her videos sooner! I enjoy them. Grateful

  • @natasabogdanovic6587
    @natasabogdanovic6587 Před 3 lety

    I looove this! Thank you for this and all the videos you placed on your channel. Thank you!

  • @a.i.chemist2261
    @a.i.chemist2261 Před 4 lety +17

    When you are late after we agreed to meet, it makes me feel anxious. I can't really describe it, but I've tried many times, and now it's hard not to take it personally when you're aware and still choose to prioritize your circumstances over our plans.
    This has added to my anxiety in these situations.
    Probably similar to how this conversation upsets you. I try to ignore it because of that, but now I feel manipulated. Why is it okay for you to be upset for reminding you of our agreement, but then I'm "irrationally" upset when you repeatedly prioritize your circumstances over our plans?
    I understand my value to you.
    Actions speak louder than words.
    You may not be late intentionally, but by now it's clear that you aren't even attempting to intentionally not be late.
    Take responsibility for your own actions please.
    My wife doesn't like it when I smoke.
    - Don't smoke.
    My husband is bothered when I spend money we don't have.
    - Don't spend money you don't have.
    My partner feels like I'm ignoring their needs when I spend too much time playing video games.
    - Don't play so long.
    My .... is upset when I agree to a thing, then fail to meet that agreement, again, because this other really important thing came up, again.
    - Don't be a bitch.

    • @tesnimguesmi6087
      @tesnimguesmi6087 Před 3 lety +1

      THANK YOU!!

    • @sussannekeith5676
      @sussannekeith5676 Před 2 lety +2

      So be totally controlled? Nope

    • @seancooper5140
      @seancooper5140 Před rokem +1

      @@sussannekeith5676
      The message is "be good for your word". It's interesting that you see being trustworthy as being controlled.

    • @Kain5th
      @Kain5th Před rokem

      @@sussannekeith5676terrible way to see this…

  • @rwdiana07
    @rwdiana07 Před 6 lety +9

    I loved this video! It's so easy to justify our behaviour and villainize the person in front.

  • @EriqKoontz
    @EriqKoontz Před 4 lety

    How interesting that I have found out about Esther Perel now --only this month-- when I am experiencing problems in my relationship. I have known for a while that I deeply, deeply love my partner, yet I have committed the stupidest and most common of errors by not fighting fair, by generalizing, and by outright hurting him. Of course he doesn't accept this! Only a fool would allow such a way of communicating to happen.
    ...And now I have happened upon the many videos of Esther Perel. What an opportunity to work on understanding myself, understanding my partner, and to move ahead! I am especially grateful for THIS video from almost 3 years ago. It has arrived on my queue at an opportune time. What a joy to discover answers!

  • @hardway2live622
    @hardway2live622 Před 7 měsíci +1

    I rarely comment, but I had to say she sumed up most of my arguments . So much truth in if

  • @OnTourWithPattiSmith
    @OnTourWithPattiSmith Před 3 lety +13

    My mother always said ...
    .. “it is just as easy to be 10 minutes early as it is to be 10 minutes late.”

    • @Friendship1nmillion
      @Friendship1nmillion Před 2 lety

      Well , *THAT'S NOT* always possible under the laws of physics of day-to-day probability { of activities / errands } . ♑️✍️🇦🇺🇳🇴

  • @demarcusfaulkner7411
    @demarcusfaulkner7411 Před 5 lety +21

    This all applies to relationships.Not just intimate.

  • @hbecourt
    @hbecourt Před 6 lety

    Just discovered those short videos, super helpful. Merci Esther!

  • @slvpro
    @slvpro Před 5 lety

    THANKS FOR ALL THE WORK YOU´VE DONE. YOU´RE MAKING A DIFFERENCE. AND GOOD TO A LOT OF PEOPLE.