Limerence, Attachment, and Childhood Trauma
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- čas přidán 15. 03. 2023
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In this video we cover: limerence, attachment, dismissive avoidant, anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant, fearful avoidant, attachment theory NPD, narcissist, cluster b, malignant, covert, fawn, abandonment, toxic parents, parenting, gaslighting, gaslight, child development, triggers, tools, therapy tools, conflict, self-regulation, toxic, toxic family systems, boundaries, truth, childhood trauma, inner child, inner child work, c-ptsd, ptsd
WORKING ON LIMERENCE ISSUES:
Below are journal prompts in detail that are designed to help clients tackle this issue and try to come out of it. These were recently given out to my healing community members, who receive these journal prompts on childhood trauma issues every week. You can find the membership above.
Journal Prompt 1
Write out examples throughout your life where limerence might have been going on for you. You might recall these as crushes, but might they have been more than that.
Examples
“I wanted to be Greg Brady’s girlfriend, but also be living with that family like Alice did. I’d obsess about being a fantastic addition to that family, and specifically Gregg. This went on for years, and I’d begin and end my day thinking about him.”
“I wanted my third-grade teacher Mrs. Johnson to be my person. Not like a girlfriend but like someone who’d be super into me and was kind. I’d get nervous being around her.”
JP2:
Walk yourself through the limerence preoccupation. If you’re currently in something like this, what do you actually want as an experience with the person you are in limerence with?
Ex:
“I wanted an intense, undying connection with Mrs. Johnson. I wanted to be bonded with her to the point that she’d take me in and ask my family to adopt me.”
“I want them to leave their current marriage and become interested in me and that we buy a new house together and get along better than any couple ever.”
JP3:
Going on what came up in Journal Prompts 2, can you define or name pieces that are rooted in healthy attachment for a child. Think infancy, toddlerhood into grammar school. These are unmet needs that childhood trauma survivors don’t experience and are often the root of limerence.
Ex:
• Bonding
• Engagement
• Being appreciated for uniqueness
• Mutual connection that feels like completion
• Feelings of being home
• Enjoyment of each other
• Deep shared understanding that only exists in the dyad (relationship)
JP4:
Given your responses in Journal Prompt 3
Write about any of those elements that were missing with your parents in childhood. I know this may be hard as some relationships are so broken or horrific, but every child is in need of attaching with someone who matters to them and vice versa.
Ex:
“My father was a workaholic and my mother was profoundly depressed. I spent my childhood waiting for us to be a family and was almost treated like a pet. Even in grammar school I would be super uncomfortable both being the focus and then extremely sad when I wasn’t the focus like with a teacher. I’ve never felt bonded to my parents but more like I was an adoptee to them that they were helping out with basics like shelter. I never felt I was special to them.”
JP5:
What does your inner child need from the adult you (inner adult) in the examples from journal prompt 3?
Ex:
• My inner child needs daily tokens of affirmation (I love you…you did great.)
• My inner child needs connection at bedtime (good night ritual)
• My inner child needs conversation and engagement from my adult self.
• My inner child needs my adult to make home feel more special to them.
• My inner child needs time with me alone doing something kid like.
The below resources may help with becoming more integrated with our inner child which can get us out of limerence which is really like seeking a rescue in others.
Resources
• My reparenting the inner child webinar for sale!
• The Artist’s Way - creativity book. -just change the artist date to inner child date - Julie Cameron
• Daily Affirmations for the inner child book - to connect with the missing parenting pieces emotionally -Rokelle Lerner
• Anxiety at Night and Morning Videos -to get a sense of inner child work in action
• Anxiety at Night -The ...
• Anxiety in the Morning...
MUSIC IS BY - Chris Haugen - Ibiza Dream
• Chris Haugen - Ibiza D...
Editing service
www.jamesrara.com/
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
1:06 My 1984 Story
12:10 About Limerence
15:10 Present Problems with Limerence and Attachment Issues
17:12 How Limerence Isn't Good For You
18:21 Childhood Trauma Vulnerability
20:24 Childhood Clues of Being In Limerence Back Then
23:57 How to Work On Limerence
29:05 Resources
30:09 Final Thoughts
35:12 Outro
Thank you for this tremendous heart felt and informative video. Your journal prompts and additional resources are so appreciated.
I hate how life is just trying to undo childhood trauma. It's exhausting
Awww, there is a "getting past it" where we're truly able to connect to the present moment
it’s important to appreciate the small things so that we don’t get wrapped up in the underlying issues, i’m glad you got your feelings out, that’s already a step :)
It’s exhausting and it feels like we have to work hard to earn love and peace while others just automatically get it
Thankfully we get only what we can process-like lifting a rock up and letting only a few “bugs” out at a time. If it was completely lifted up we would faint!
This sums up my frustrations
"Toxic parents will expect adult behaviors without teaching those behaviors" punched me in the gut
Punched me too 😢
same
I was often treated like an adult from as early as I can remember, and then made to feel stupid when I didn't know how to handle things.
RIGHT!? That hit me and then I also had to retrieve my eyebrows from the ceiling.
@@alkismith4577when my eldest sister was 17 months my mum gave birth to another child, daughter as well. Almost immediately she regarded the 17 months old as a grown child, who was already potty trained and was confused and probably annoyed too when the toddler started peeing herself because she tried to gain attention from my mum and so she acted like a baby. Being the eldest between 4 siblings put real pressure on my sister and today she has almost no contact with our mum (and dad).
"Toxic parents will expect adult behaviors from children without teaching them those behaviors," ooh hit the nail on the head there for me.
❤
I thinks it's hard for them bc the same thing happened to them.
To anyone who’s going through this, it gets better really. As someone who fell hopelessly in love with every single situationship, I’m beginning to heal my inner child and slowly the limerence is going away. I’m sure you can do it too! Keep going 💕
@BakeBear I did a lot of meditating journaling and just overall trying to be mindful with my day. Mindfulness helped me catch patterned thoughts that would then turn into feelings, for example after a dramatic fight with my mom I would say something like “I wish I had a man to make me feel loved unconditionally”. I began to correct these thoughts, have inner conversations with my child self and take her on dates. I became so compassionate toward myself and slowly began healing unrelated trauma and even body image issues. It all started to tumble down like dominos. So my advice is start somewhere and practice, it will all follow.
@BakeBear ofcoursee 🥰 I’m so happy you’re taking the right steps to heal. Good luck on your journey 💕
Thank you so much both of you✨✨ - I’m in the same situation, and this video and your comments helps me so much - and understanding why I have so much anxiety right now trying to live a life by my own by finding thing I like to do without someone needs to see it/me and try not to think of that men sees me, what they think of me and the reactions if I talk with men buying something etc. Now I understand the stuck compulsive way of living that automatically started as young. 😭🙏🏻
❤ I'm so happy for you
@@salmasaeed6133thank you for sharing this ❤
Limerence is like being a lost puppy, begging any stranger to love you enough to undo the past’s lack of connection. This keeps us locked out of reality and robs us of living in the now.
...and the weird thing is that when you're not *in* one of these crush holding patterns, you feel like there's something missing, like you have nothing going on in your life, unhappy, even depressed. While when you do have someone to obsess over, you're giddy with excitement. At least that's how it shows up in my life. I like how you phrased it "locked out of reality" and the now.
my folks - Mom and Dad-ALWAYS AGREED ON 'carol makes one error: One month of torture: no friends-no T.V. no phone: REQUIRED TO WROTE 100 times" sorry I am Failure as a Girl and Daughter--30 Days!
@@astridlindgren3930 7jn😊b😅😊😅😅 0:38 0:39 b9p😅j
J
also we get in dangerous situations this way.
@@carolnahigian9518that is awful 😞 sorry you experienced that.
Wow, you really hit home with the “adoption fantasy” and I had no idea that was a thing. I’m 34 and I’ll still find myself watching tv and thinking, “I’d love to be adopted by that mom.” Wow, just wow. Thank you.
I think the adoption fantasy is a great example of limerence that is normalized by society.
YES
In like 3rd or 4th grade I wanted to be kidnapped by a nice family that would just want me to join them. I had this idea a car would stop with parents and kids in it and the driver door would open and the father would motion me to come over to the car and join them, Because They Wanted Me!!!
They wanted ME to join their family! I was the piece missing for them!
But at the 3th grade? Common!!!
I just wanted to be happy. Needed. Wanted. Heard or listened to. Told or taught stuff. And let me try things and be encouraged to keep at it. As they taught me something.
I was cut lose and left to my own devices. I'd leave the house after breakfast and what happened after that until dinner time was completely on me!
And now, many many years later I'm still trying to figure out how love works. Or how to even find it.
I just broke up with someone of nearly 30 years yesterday. But in a bit I'd like to get some counseling and do better if there is a next time. If I find someone who is available and 'normal'. Normal-ish??!!!
But yes, the early childhood is such a mine field where at any moment things can just blow up in your face! Good childhoods seem to be rather rare I think!
I was just thinking about this the other day. I think of it as the Matilda Effect lol
I said I wish I could have been my wn mother. My own adult kids keep their emotional distance. I took care of my bipolar mother and witnessed her beating by my father before I was two. Very confusing issues to wrap my head around. Growing up has taken me all of my 60 years
I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle of looking for people to belong to but feeling like I’m not good enough and isolating myself before we get too close or expecting them to leave me.
Sounds like Fearful Avoidance
That's exactly how I am. I find someone who I adore and is great in every way but I'm terrified to even breathe around them, to the point that they never get to know the real me because I was convinced they'd hate the real me. This builds resentment and then I am mad with them for not meeting my needs, but I've never been able to express my needs to them so how would they know?
@@marcelusdarcy Definitely sounds like Fearful Avoidant Attachment.
I recommend Thais Gibson and Heidi Priebe for tips, behavioural changes and coping mechanisms for adjusting to become more secure.
At least you recognize it and now that means you can work on it and heal it.
@@Sassy-po1tp tbh I’ve given up. I accepted that I’m just not meant to have friends and I just focus on my hobbies now
I fall in love with everyone who is kind to me. Thank you for taking some of the shame out of this
I'm literally the same
Same.
I had an epiphany about it less than two years ago. Every time someone was really nice or kind to me, even if they just acknowledged me, I used to think they were angels.
The same.
Moi.
Same here
This was helpful. Let me say limerance and maladaptive daydreaming is one hell of an drug. I'm living in the real world now but it's a struggle. The real world isn't as fun.
Whew! I feel you. I sometimes miss my fantasies.
💯🎯
I can relate.😮Dr Tracey Marks has an excellent video on maladaptive daydreaming.
For real! And I never knew they were names for these things until recently.
@@jessicaboyd9148 me either!
Why has no therapist, councillor or psychologist ever talk to me about limerence? I feel like I just found a missing link. I've been doing this my entire life. This video was very helpful. Thank you.
I brought this word to my therapist, she told me that I can just use words like 'obsessed' 'intense' and people introduce all these 'new' words. I was like ok? But this word encapsulates everything I experience. She's old school, I think she has some beef with the new psychology world and all the new terms that people come up with
@@marcelusdarcysame. I am 36 and Im just now hearing it. It all makes sense though!
It's also my experience. They never really touched the topic. Kind of dismissed my " crushes", ignoring it or telling it was not real, instead of highlighting the problem and connecting the dots.
I just learned the term and what my main hidden problem is.
Me that explains me .
When he started reading out the journal prompts, I started to bawl my eyes out. In my entire life I've never found words or sentences to explain what I was feeling. Nobody talks about stuff like this. I've always thought that whatever I'm feeling is all in my head because I have a roof over my head and 3 meals every single day. I convince myself everyday that I shouldn't complain and am provided with way more than I deserve. I feel guilty for labelling what I feel as childhood trauma because I know my parents tried their best. It's hard to accept that things just happen to you and sometimes nobody is at fault, it is what it is.
i feel like you do and it's so hard for e to accept that literally everyone has some type of trauma, just more severe or more shallow. even you and i, who think they don't deserve to be sad or blame certain behaviours on "childhood trauma" because we weren't victims of really cruel and ignorant parents. yes, sometimes nobody is at fault and it's so frustrating to me, knowing that i will also give my future children some type of trauma because of some of my unhealed problems
I hear you 💯
Coz childhood trauma is many times subtle , even Parents dont know they are doing it to us. Plus its also genetics n the way ur specific brain is built , some brains NEED more love and attention - to such brains mild levels of Neglect and Abuse can have an impact similar to High levels of Neglect and Abuse .
I feel the exact same, I never bought it up bc I felt guilty and unappreciative bc I was given a lot . So I kept it in my head just thinking one day it’ll work it self out and I’m the whole problem
@@NappyyyyyI understand that feeling.
Limerence is a slow deep self torture. I tortured myself unrequited for 45 years until I woke up.
This is so true
Yes, it's brutal. A robber of life.
How did you do it?
@@doddeddo Well, I bungled & humiliated myself.
Traumatic - realizing it was blown to pieces, I had to work on myself & WHY I suffered this.
I read Ekart Toles & that helped me unplug from my "STORY" that kept me in Limerence.
CZcamsr 'Crappy Childhood Fairy did a couple of deep dives on Limerence. Well worth watching. 🤗
@@rw4754yes; I don’t care too much about it being titled “crappy childhood” but man, the info she dishes out is invaluable ❤
Lol!! The guy I was soooo hot for in college said "cats are useless creatures." that was it. Limerence EXTINGUISHED. Found a new gratitude for how much I truly love cats, too 😻
❤
Lol that would do it for me too 😆
🤣🤣🤣👍
😂 Spot on! "Never trust a person who doesn't like cats" 😜
Oh yes. He would have to go!
It feels like I need limerence otherwise there's no point to everyday life. It what makes me want to self care, to take action with my professional life, what gives me joy. I have a normal life but my fantasies are intense and when I don't, I just feel bored.
Yeah i feel empty as well
same like i don't know what to do with myself
Interesting insight👍🏻✌🏻
Same, it feels so empty and boring
same here. feels like an empty shell
_"It was about being malnourished for a solid attachment and connection...."_ Clearest description of the problem I've ever heard.
Wow, "The deep wound of not being the apple of someone's eye". So very well expressed. I've watched a lot of these videos over the past few years and I don't think I've ever seen anyone explain childhood trauma in such detail and with such compassion. Thank you, Patrick!
That exact phrase nailed it so well for me also. Finally learning at 30 why I have always fallen so hard and so irrationally for others. Tough pill to swallow, that it wasn’t my big heart so much as attachment issues, but that’s the first step to healing.
@@lauraabell9668 learning at 38 😢. But it’s a step toward healing; knowinn what to call it
Paradigm shifting realization for me
“The deep wound of not being the apple of someone’s eye” plus the trauma of having my body criticized from age 7 onward by my dad who’s weight went from obese to normal repeat repeat
Yep the trauma of loosing his brother and the trauma he could never be "enough" to fill that void for his parents. The whole family dynamic forever changed. His limerance was an attempt to find the love he had before the brother died. He has no awareness or empathy for anyone. It's all about him. He cast himself as the "outcast chold" who would never be enough to heal the loss of his "idealized brother". Kind of sad he is a grown man blaming his parents for his inability to work through childhood grief.
Limerence is a horrible horrible affliction to have to endure. Especially if you run into a narcissist. A narcissist is nuclear to a limerent
This is what happened to me.
@@Ansaphone89same it destroyed me
@@Ansaphone89im still recovering from july😔
Yes, I had my son with one. My whole world has been changed.
Going through it. IT'S HELL
Yes. Wanting to finally feel important by a real mom. A parent that actually saw their kid. Someone that would rush in and take me to a more peaceful house. A parent that actually enjoyed my presence instead of ignoring me or yelling at me.
Felt every word of this
I’ve been figuring out just how dysfunctional my childhood was. I remember fantasizing about a completely different life when I’d go to bed. For hours. I didn’t realize till now it could’ve been because of my family situation.
I hope this helps, but you aren't the only person to have a fantasy life that you go to instead of just going to sleep.
I still do this now as an adult. I still live at home with the same family problems. I can't afford to move out, but it brings me ease when I fantasise about having my own peaceful place. 😔
@@user-vu8pm4dw6dme too. You're not alone as an adult who still has to escape to these fantasy places.
I went to the oral surgeon yesterday and the attending guy was so nice, he patted my head whenever he left the room and said I'd be ok and he'd be right back, telling me I was doing great, constantly comforting me and noticing when I was anxious or cold and reacting to it (he put a blanket over me 🥺when he noticed me shivering before surgery) it was like every childhood fantasy come to life. I've been obsessing over it since and imagining dating him 😭
That's beautiful. I've had moments like that myself. When looking back at life, you may feel nothing but lack. I say you should look for the good moments, hold onto them, they don't last, knowing you have been loved and cherished. I hope you will have more of them now and in future, the best way to prepare, anticipate for them is to remember to be in the moment, let go, let yourself enjoy yourself, you can be happy!
This is why I love going to the doctor & dentist. 😂
@@arxsyn well it's not healthy to do...
I can SO relate to what you wrote. I actually in a way love going to the hospital for a procedure in which I'm under anesthesia because I always feel so taken care of and then I don't want to go home. People are actually wanting to make sure I'm comfortable and I feel safe and that's the opposite of what I experienced in childhood.
@@alkismith4577 im confident that we can heal and give ourselves that sense of safety 🫂 and find it from healthy relationships 😊
Limerance sets us up for relationships with narcisists too, because they come off as charming and interested, which sets us up for a fall everytime.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.porass. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this
Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is dr.porass.
“The deep wound of having never been the apple of someone’s eye” oh boy, that was a gut punch…. I can say without hesitation that I have never felt it, from anyone.
I heard about it from a relative once, that my mother used to regard me that way. I don't remember that time, though. I guarantee it must have been when I was very little, and before my brother came along. She treated me like an accessory, I gather, like I was a cute new thing to show off to friends. I sure know once I was old enough to start school and have opinions that came to me all on my own, she was sort of low-level pissed off at me most of the time, which were the better days. 🙄
😲🥺😧😭❤️💔❤️
The one person that did I screwed up big time. Didn't know till later
@@twiztidmomma22 Well, if you have no experience with it, how can you even know that's what you are looking at? 🤷♀️
@@cc1k435 didn't know till later, after the damage was done🤷♀️ ,after growing and learning, kwim?
I'm limerant for someone right now. No matter how many red flags or flaws I see in him, I still find a way to keep him on a pedestal. All because of the way he made me feel seen.
How are you now ?
How are you now ?
@@taj____ still drawn to the person although I'm more and more aware of his darkness. It's captivating. I need to work on myself.
Thanks for asking.
@@QueenBee-gp1jr aww love
@@QueenBee-gp1jrI am since summer with a girl too.
I am one of 13 children and was just one of the kids. I didn't have a connection with my dad at all, even though he lived in our house and worked hard to support us. He wasn't really capable. My mom gets an A++ for cooking and laundry, but my emotional needs were largely unmet. One Sunday when I was about 5, my family was walking into church and a man in our parish named Charlie Murphy picked me up and exclaimed that I was such a pretty little girl. He was a kind man. It was a brief exchange, but it has stayed with me my whole life. My parents never made me feel like he did in that moment.
I’m the last of 6 and you described my situation very accurately.
I'm sorry to hear that. However this doesn't necessarily mean they never loved you. Sounds like They struggled very hard to provide for you and your siblings. They did their best. Arguably it was most sensible to prioritize your physical needs as you mature into your adult body. had they had only one child, they have lavished all their attention on them, right? I'm sorry you didn't feel cherished. They were emotionally neglectful yes, but if you put things in perspective, objectively speaking, was your childhood all bad? You have you, now and you can do everything for yourself your parents could not. I'm glad you're here you survived into adulthood. You have this opportunity now to love yourself better than anyone else. I speak more of this in my upcoming book as a survivor of narcissistic abuse and lived experience as a woman living under a patriarchy, which is in itself narcissistic, how we can get out of the trauma drama inside and outside ourselves. The title will be THE GODDESS & THE MAGIC MIRROR. Remember, you yourself are that goddess in the mirror and she will always be there for you. You don't have to look for her. She is never far. Wishing you the best in life and love, -Karey Wong7
The bubble burst but still picking up the mess it left behind.(ie. Married to someone I don’t respect & disgusts me because he lied about who he was.)
@@arxsyn I do think emotional neglect impacts people a lot more than we realise. If another person says their childhood was terrible because their parents didn’t give them enough love/connection, I see no reason to not believe them - have you heard of the experiment that was done with baby monkeys, where the mother was replaced with a monkey made of wire? The baby monkeys still huddled with it trying to get affection, but ended up dying from the lack of it. Human babies can die from lack of affection, too. That’s how bad emotional neglect can be.
@@arxsyn maybe you didn't mean it like this, but it's actually terrible what you said. Emotional neglect is as damaging as physical neglect or abuse. You are just advertising your upcoming book by cancelling someone's traumatic experience. It's toxic to do so and I'm disappointed to read something like that here.
Because of the home life I had and being deep in depression/anxiety, fantazising about some boy was genuinely the only time I actually felt good.
I experienced limerence for 8 years, cried and longed for this boy who made eye contact with me a few times in high school. I only realized what i was doing until recently after similar behaviors resurfacing again.
I was so depressed as a kid, maybe most of my 26 years, and didn't know until things got better a year ago. And it's not like my parents were bad people, I was just severely neglected. When I look back, I never found happiness in anything when I was younger.
Neglect is strong form of abuse.
Same here, I thought I was the only one. That eye contact is something it's been almost 6 years for me. And seeing him around town doesn't make it better to and know he has someone else. I wasn't really allowed to date, nor did I want to bring anyone around my parents they were so disfunctional and strict about boy stuff I've better kept my head in my books. At my big age, 25 being single for all my life time it's so hard to still erging for a connection and clarity from a high school crush that had eventually moved away and move on with some who I guess the confidence to approach him. I have never seen know as handsome and cute as him. I wasn't attracted to any of the boys in high school cause I basically sort of grew up with them. He was new and something new to look at one day I glances at him while looking back at him maybe the next day I seen cause the schedule was funny, but he stopped and gave me a sweet smile. Automatically didn't know how to take it or receive it, but from then on it was always awkward. and now being grown seeing him is triggering around in the around town and now at work place of greocey store at time is so triggering. I had became depressed around that time to when i learned he had moved on to who I guess was his friend. she had to ask him out even though he seemed not being one to approach first...... this feel good to get of my chest now I know this is Limerence and yeah triggered once again cause I jus seen him yesterday wow.
fictional characters were a much bigger target for limerence when i was a kid. my fantasies about jack skellington swooping me out of the real world and into halloweentown got me through 3-5th grade. i found anne rice in middle school and would have committed any number of felonies to be kidnapped by louis and lestat. home was so chaotic and sad that i don’t think i really trusted human beings to take care of me after a point.
I don't even remember when I started doing this, but fantasizing about being taken from this world to be in a fictional world with fictional characters instead has been my comforting and soothing strategy until... it still is. It's my go-to idea whenever I get too stressed. It's what I fall asleep to every single night. For years... too many years. Ever since I remember.
This was me with the Animorphs which is really fucking sad when a literal war is more appealing to me than my home life.
Yes I did stan Tobias.
@@abelhapedras me too, thats exactly me. Im not sure when it started but i know it was mid highschool when i started relying on it nightly to get to sleep.
This very much makes sense to me. I've come to recognize that reading was an escape and a way to dissociate. Limerance with the characters of the books? Yes.
In my teenage years I dissociated so heavily from my own body and gender to the point that I fantasized about two boys being in love. I craved intimacy and love, and hated being a girl, so the only logical conclusion was to fantasize about two boys being in love with each other. I speculate a lot of fanfic readers are like this.
I’m glad there is something else I can call this rather than a crush or BPD. That feeling is so intoxicating and at the same time terrible and so heartbreaking.
When its sexual attraction it's a distraction!🙄
"intoxicating" "terrible" "heartbreaking" few words that completely describe this
That's any indulgence to an unhealthy behaviour, huh? So good but so bad. I have spent decades doing the monkeybar from one to the next. At least they got less damaging over the years! Now it's like, the occasional food treat.😁👍
Indeed, heartbreaking… over and over. :’(
I spent an agonizing 20 years “falling in love” obsessively with people who were simply being nice. I finally had an epiphany that seems almost funny now: other people are not puppets or chess pieces I can move around to suit me. My not-so-good therapist at the time said “You need to stop being so hard on yourself” in response. I was like “Ma’am, I just had a breakthrough. Now is not the time for self esteem work.” I got a better therapist.
I'm constantly crying seeing this video. I'm pitying myself, questioning myself that how much a person can crave "love" that a person can imagine a ocean out of a small drop. Thank you for this video, it is an eye-opener.
When it’s a matter bt life & death we get ‘artists!’ (Research the back mental health of our most famous artists=Creativity is the healthiest coping mechanism❤
This was so beautifully
@@malikaahmed14 agreed
@@kimlarsoim trying to write these limerence into actual story with storyline and character arcs becuz i enjoy writing since young. The female protag is really just me like similar looks, talents, traumas. 😄
@@Peachu_n_Goma_Home ♥️
Limerence is why it is so hard for empaths to get over narcissistic abuse.
What u mean ?
Empaths aren't a thing. Probably.ore collapsed narcissits.
@@jessoftherocks what about Highly sensitive people with high levels of emotional intelligence, agreeableness, empathy might look like codependent, or overly concerned with collaborative/communal endeavors and behaviors? I think most people whom others would say are empaths fall in that set of categories and probably have a right on some academic level to that title, but that it's not perhaps a spiritual level like many ascribe. Empaths feel for humans and don't tend toward extreme idealizing or idolizing like in extreme crushes and limerence, and that's why narcs HAVE to love bomb and manipulate to trap them. So yes, I agree that many people who self claim likely and have little outer support that they are empaths, but are sensitive to their own emotions, likely BPD or NPD cluster Bs and believing their mask is real, basically in denial or have magical, maybe even delusional thinking. Many covert/vulnerable narcissists try to claim to be empaths because they have strong feelings they say is empathy for themselves and for the main person/supply they idealize at any given moment, but they are really just in limerence with a self serving side agenda and can't have empathy, respect or care for strangers or even family they are supposed to. The people who seem to suffer from limerence the most, and this was actually suggested by a professional who cheated and got caught up in a limerence affair and then sort of snapped out of it and then kept seeing it in certain clients and others, are people higher in the NPD spectrum, cluster B's and even Bipolarity with lingering childhood issues. This often severe trauma, according to theories, makes sense then they use limerence as a security blanket and emotional regulation tool as it is attaching them to someone they idolize who usually showed them the care, empathy, compassion or stability that they lack internally and externally. Also these cluster B's have arrested development and that too goes hand in hand with limerence as neurotypical people seem to outgrow it and also crushes unless some major trauma triggers it like midlife crisis or serious event sets them back to a point in childhood perhaps. So I agree with you but Mostly for those who erroneously self identify as empathic and have little intuition, emotional intelligence and awareness. They just use that narrative to stay in a form of denial to stay safe....so it's a defense mechanism mostly imo. Thanks for starting that conversation, even if you don't agree with anything I wrote
Absolutely
I strongly disagree if you think neurotypical empathic people experience limerence, otherwise why the need to manipulate and love bomb them? I agree that codependents, abuse victims who have been conditioned and cluster B's seem to fall into limerence and are targeted by narcs A LOT, so they all become abuse victims, especially with neglect from devalue cycles. But true empaths care for EVERYONE and have high emotional intelligence, so they should rarely idealize or idolize and have obsessive crushes, let alone limerence, which seems a form of magical thinking, mania and shared fantasy defense mechanism that leads to super highs like an addiction. That's not something empaths typically do unless they are comorbid for Cluster B disorders or maybe bipolar or have PTSD. They aren't easily pulled into delusional thinking, but are too patient and kind for their own good a lot. They are methodically conditioned through trauma bonding and testing/erosion of boundaries due to their high agreeableness, forgiving, compassionate, self-sacrificial attitudes. None of that has to do with having limerence, but might trigger it in others to focus on them and idealize them.
Now Cluster B's tend toward limerence, so I agree with maybe the guy about the collapsed narcissists and would add BPDs, Histrionics, and especially low grade or covert NPDs because NPDs already have documented patterns of idealizing and love bombing those they feel limerence for. I really don't understand this comment or it's thumbs ups, unless you are saying it's hard to leave the abusive or disordered person because you still care and value as human being and they were once in limerence with you, so now it is confusing that they are being abusive and/ or in devaluing or discarding you cruelly? That added to guilt seems plausible, but I think limerence is actually hard for empathetic or empaths to get in to. It's uncomfortable, clingy, too obsessive and exclusive of others and not their personality type to me a to all so that is why I have come to these conclusions. Thx
Watching this was a relief for me. For many years I thought I was “crazy” for being obsessed with various men. I felt so ashamed of myself. My epiphany came when I realized my father had been a sociopath and that all the men, with whom I was in limerence, were either sociopaths or narcissists. I remember the day, May 15th, 2005, when I realized the latest “limerence” was a sociopath. Since then I haven’t gone to limerence. Now, I see that I had nothing to be ashamed of. I was a victim of CPTSD, childhood trauma. Thank you.
The narcissism feels like home, I can consciously call out all their toxic behaviors and flaws but I’m drawn to it because it’s like a warm hearth. 😅 tryin to be more self aware
I totally relate to your comment!❤
Hello, I'm really sorry you've been through that. How did you manage to let go of limerance ?
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I only realised this limerance effect 4 days ago. I'm 66. I too am attracted to distant, selfish sociopaths. I felt so ashamed. I'm looking after my mother who was the life and soul of the party and a wild and angry alcoholic. I'm desperate to be loved . Now, I can see this heartbreaking desire for what it is. Thank you again, and best wishes.
I love you sm 😢❤ u gave me hope
I cannot distinguish between having a crush/interest in someone, and limerence. I don’t trust myself.
Your story is so poignant. I was a brand new teacher in 1984 and always intuitively felt for those sweet lost children and this became my life’s work to acknowledge, validate and love them. Many of these kids still keep in touch via social media and I’m so proud of who they have become. Thank you for being so real and vulnerable. ❤ this is why we are all here
Thank you so much for being that kind of teacher. I was an emotionally neglected kid and you are literally saving lives. God bless you.
The girl is in his comment section 😮
Oh I wish I would have had you as a teacher back in the 80s.
Thank you from me, too. It was teachers like that who got me through school, and it's been a priority in my own career to make those kids feel seen.
I'm so excited for this bc my struggle with limerance has always been a shameful secret. It has cost me so many exhaustive hours lost in my fantasies and more disconnected from others. Only because I started talking about it recently have I realized it's connected to childhood attachment trauma and not something wrong with me. It's so nice to read the comments and know it's not just me and I'm not like fundamentally unhealthy bc of this...
You and me both, I have always had this fantasy where I was being saved by fantasy figures and that everything would be ok then.
Later it became celeberties, even later it became fictional characters. What they had in common was that I was able to be in a sexless relationship with them ánd was able to have my own boundaries even if I 'acted out'. I can see now that my parents are emotionally unavailable and that my mom didnt resolve her issues, she just pushed them away.
@@elyaequestus1409 thank you for your comment. I grew up having fantasy relationships (and incredibly stressful and short romantic relationships with real life guys). I was adopted so that has a lot to do with it - my adoptive parents were also emotionally unavailable to different degrees.
I just realised recently what was going on with me, and I know that I'm not the only person who experience this. Because I know, now I have changed everything about it.
I remember many limerences my whole life. Friends parents and as a teen, my favorite rock star
💚💚💚
This was a really uncomfortable watch for me because I see so much of myself in it. Thank you for providing me with free resources to broaden my awareness and aid my healing. I am so grateful for this channel.
Yes, me too! I am so grateful for his dedication and hard work.
Same here. 😮
I felt very uncomfortable watching this as I do with many of others I’ve watched. Just not this topic. I feel so much pain and heaviness in my chest that sometimes I can’t make it through the whole video. I think it has to be deep seeded pain with the fact that I wasn’t given the love and attention that I deserved. It’s extremely difficult to realize how much my family messed me up. Sometimes I think it would be easier to get a lobotomy! It makes me think of the show Severance. Great show btw, I almost stopped watching it but you have to kinda get through the first 3 or 4 episodes before you get sucked in.
Such valuable information and insight, that I have not experienced anywhere else.
Same 😮
In dating, whenever I start to feel a deeper connection with someone, I get genuinely scared they’ll leave or I’ll never see them again. It’s refreshing to hear of ways to work through it.
Oh my god... I just had this big realization now and I'm starting to understand why all my life, I've been limerencing about men giving me attention in a s3xual nature. As a kid, my parents were divorced, my single mother mom raised me and my big sis but she never paid much attention to me. My big sis often bullied me and emotionally abused me but my mom was unaware. I had no contact with my dad too. I always felt like I was severely emotionally neglected. When I was around 4, a stranger man took advantage of me s3xually, and even though that was very awful and I have trauma about it, it was the only time as a child where I felt like someone noticed me and paid attention to me. I felt special even though what he did to me was basically a crime because my mom didn't pay attention to me, I didn't have a dad and my sis only paid attention to me to tear me down. After that, at such a young age, I started to see men in a different lighy. I would always have this deep longing that men who were much much older than me would see me in a sexual way and pay attention to me. Throughout my childhood, teenage years and now adulthood, I still have fantasies about men in a sexual nature. I also just recently ended things with a guy who was the object of my limerence. He made me feel so seen because he cared about me at the initial stage of our "relationship" but most importantly, he had strong lust for me, which both made me feel so "high" but also disgusted, so naturally, it ended as a disaster. I ended things because the connection was becoming very unstable and chaotic. And this is how I ended up on this video. To learn about my s3xual fantasies, why I wanted so much s3xual attention from men, and why I kept getting myself in the same situation over and over again with. I always felt so ashamed of myself but now I'm starting to realize how traumatized I am...
I'm having the same realization myself. I read your comment and my heart just broke. I lived a very similar childhood, but it's the first time I've read it from another person's perspective. I wish I could give you a hug. I wish I could give younger me a hug. Single mom, older sis, absent father. I was sexually abused as a pre-teen. My mom was seldomly around due to drug addiction and work. I always craved the attention from men, especially older men. I've fallen into limerence once thinking it was some spiritual connection or something. It's so strong, profound, unlike any feeling I've ever had. Reading others comments makes me realize the extent of my childhood trauma and how those previous experiences still live on in my reality today.
Girl, this is what I'm going through right now. This is my story word to word, except for the sexual abuse part 😢
I’m experiencing something similar. I wasn’t s3xually abused ever… but I long for male sexual attention so much. It’s honestly becoming really exhausting mentally. I don’t agree with older men going for very young girls like 14-18, but I have a some sort of fantasy that older men will pay attention to me. (I’m 23), but I look at men sexually 90% of the time. I want men to lust over me. My dad wasn’t super in the picture of my life after age 12ish. Early childhood yes but not after about middle school. He was very absent. I can’t help but think that there is a major connection between these two things
4 years old, my God I could weep. I'm so deeply sorry you as a small innocent child suffered such a violation. Truly wish you the best on your journey of healing. You sound quite introspective & self-aware. Sending hugs 🙏
Years ago before having this term, I coined my experience with this as "shiny person syndrome" 😂
Ooo I like that! I’ve stopped doing this, more or less, with people, as I’m in a very healthy and loving relationship (yes I pinch myself constantly). But I now do it with hobbies, like THIS is going to be the hobby/thing that is going to provide me with happiness and fulfilment. Next minute… *squirrel!* 😂
Oh my goodness! I didn’t know the term either and I remember expressing to my then-boyfriend that I didn’t want him to move away because I new I wasn’t “new and shiny” to him anymore and he’s leave me if he moved without me. Be it people, hobbies, friends, job, he was always moving on to something new.
I’ve had this for so long. Although it’s better than it used to be, it’s still there. That “craving” for someone to care about you and love you is so strong. I used to despise myself because of how ashamed I felt about having this. Now I am starting to realize that it’s not my fault and it’s because of my childhood. I always felt so alone and like I was the only one who experienced this. It’s relieving to know that I’m not alone or a terrible attention seeking person.
U used the word i described to my attachment. I told him he would never crave me the way i do him... and then i started to be honest with myself like why? Its me. And i have always stopped it by feeling stupid then ignoring it, but now that im rly letting myself feel, it feels empty. Im glad to have found this video and everyone else's comments. I feel not so alone
Exactly this
So accurate, im waiting on someone to love me, care about me, give me attention, god its so sad
"You can't expect them to fulfill your innermost needs, only you can." I really needed to hear that.
I am 26. Currently in limerence with an avoidant. I keep coming back to this whenever it gets hard to get her out of my head. Thanks for making this video.
I'm 27 and in limerence with avoidant as well. He always makes me feel so hurt and unimportant and I think that everything will be better if he would just accept me. Left me the second time and this time he's not even sorry, he said we just not working out and this is the last time. I'm still trying to process that my person is not mine anymore, he's not safe, not my comfort. I'm alone again now.
@@skromnyasha @skromnyasha I am sorry you're going through that. I went NC two months ago. It was hard at first but now it's gotten easier. Her memory comes in waves, but she is not consuming my mind like she did before. I hope you can go NC as well. There is no future where we are living happily with them.
@@jatinjuhiNot unless they fix their attachment.
But even so, all of their relationships will likely fail until they do.
I am in a very similar situation.
26, and have had severe limerance in the past.
Though it's not so bad this time around.
I mastered forcing my will with social-anxiety, and I mastered no-contact (7-months straight).
So now I will master this, my anxious attachment and go tactical no-contact with my mother too.
I feel much more confident with a clear idea of what's going on with me, and how to fix it.
Great idea! I’ll do same
@@skromnyashaSame. I am a girl. The thing finally stops my infatuation on him is that he says he is a gay… Lucky me.. but like a 💣 to my life. I cried for 3 days and I am still digesting
I have never heard of limerance and it explains why my "crushes" were actually soul crushing when other peers seemed to be able to let a crush be kind of enjoyable and let it go after a while. I remember feeling that I didn't just crave a relationship with the person, but that I wanted to BE that person, with their charisma or equanimity or giving nature. This video is so eye-opening and just the next step I'm needing.Thank you for sharing you knowledge and experiences.
This one blew my mind. I've never heard of limerence before and I've been dealing with it intensely for my entire life. I thought I was just crazy. I feel so validated right now. Validated and humiliated. I'm sending this to my therapist so we can discuss it.
I swear my phone heard an extremely private conversation about a situation, and next thing I know this pops up in my feed and it was EXACTLY what I was discussing. Creepy but good to know.
Have you been analyzed for BPD?
I used to imagine certain rock stars being my Dad instead. That they would dedicate a song to me or call me from their tour because they missed me. Strictly from a parental perspective. Ya… it feels humiliating to even admit it. But that fantasy filled a hole in my heart where no one was checking on me.
I remember years ago there was a huge public scandal about Alec Baldwin calling his daughter “a selfish pig” on a voicemail because she wouldn’t take his calls. I remember thinking “at least you have a Dad that wants to talk to you! You should feel lucky, not victimized!”
I remember thinking that she is ungrateful.
At least her Dad knows her phone number and actually wants to talk to her.
I lived in the same house as my Dad for 18 years and he rarely said anything to me or asked me about school, friends…. He was more like a neighbor that would say hello on occasion.
Kind of scary that I saw abuse in the form of attention as “at least he wants to talk to you.”
How tiny can my perspective of basic fulfillment be. It’s a very low bar. Very low.
Amen.❤
Me too x
Reading all these comments help me to realize and feel that I'm not alone, and that I'm not as crazy or ridiculous as I made myself think. It helps to know there's a reason for this behaviour and that it can be fixed/healed. When you said "limerance can be looking for home in someone else" (not verbatim, I know..), it lit up the light bulb, and I decided that I will make a home within myself, for my self.
I watched this video last night and all day today my heart was warmed by the story of the 7 year old boy putting on the Arnold Schwarzenegger gloves and doing a couple dumbbell curls. What a cool kid, boy did his parents miss out when they blew their opportunity to cherish this kid.
I had that thought too! My partner and I love cheesy Arnold movies from the 80s, and I love working out - if we had a kid like that, we'd be stoked! The themed birthday party I could throw for such a child would be absolutely insane. (Of course, we'll love our kids and connected with them even if we don't have any interests in common.)
It really goes to show that the way other people treat us - especially when we are children! - really isn't about us. It's about them.
I am afraid that I pull so hard the other way now in an effort to over correct limerence, that I am unable to believe that anyone ISN'T just an infatuation of mine, and I don't trust my ability to judge what is or is not a genuine connection. Factoring this into life for someone starting over from scratch after a cutting off all toxic family and friendships is incredibly lonely. I am starting to really not recognize what appropriate interaction looks like at all, because I have had to be my own example of what is healthy for so long. I am scary to other people, and it seems like this cycle that is making me retreat further into isolation
💚💚💚💚💚 just wanted to let you know that I saw this and I understand how lonely that can feel. Keep going, things get better.
@@monsieurfrancoise thank you for your sweetness and kind words!
💜
At 62 I still don't trust my own judgement but a lot of other areas I've improved in ..... thankfully.
I hear you ❤
I grew up not being able to put my finger on what was wrong. We never saw or heard our parents fight, but the tension was always there between them. When I was a young teenager I realized my mom and I were not bonded the same way other girls were with their moms. I either had a crush on or wished my teacher was my parent all through elementary school - even the mean ones. If they weren't nice to me I tried to be better cause it was my fault they didn't like me.
Wow! I can relate to everything you are saying.
Thank you so much for this video - it is so helpful!
I'm 34 and it took me such a long time to figure out that this actually applies to me. I come from a seemingly perfect family - grew up in a beautiful house in the suburbs, parents are still together, mum would stay home when we were little and would put food on the table when we got home from school, dad would pay for my university degree. And yet, when I was little, dad wasn't home all day and mum was just not emotionally available. Her asking "How was school?" always stayed on a surface level. She was not actually interested in how I felt, what was going on in my life, what the most important topics or issues were for me. When I cried because my boyfriend broke up with me as a teenager, I was by myself. When I was scared of something or overwhelmed with something I was always by myself. There was lunch on the table. But there was nobody to give me a hug, to listen, to give some advice. Nobody who asked "I notice you're not feeling well, what's going on?". Only when I heard other daughters talk about their mothers did I realize that this is what other mums actually do. It just explains so much.
Jeez, reading this was really like reading my story too. It's almost scary to see how similar my story is compared to yours. We even have the same age 😅😂 I wish we can both heal from this kind of childhood and find some peace
i've sort of figured over the years that i attach unhealthily (limerence) to people... whether they be friends, teachers, fictional characters, just anyone who treated me nicely or saw me as special. and i still do this, and got bitten recently with a bad relationship. i'm trying to focus on self-love instead of having an imaginary person complete me, but this still feels like a pretty foreign process to me
I'm only halfway through this, and I have to tell you, your coverage of this subject is better than any I've heard or watched. Just wanted to put that out there.
YES! 💯 And I watched a lot of limerance videos!
Agreed!
This is a first for me to watch. But this explains a lot of my life and life's struggles to a T. Even sent it to my husband. We have fought through emotional affairs, seeking attention from others and many issues Patrick described in this video. (All of it on my side of the marriage). Thank you!!
Yes!!
He's one of my top references for friends going through the same problems
This explains so much about my weird celebrity "crushes" over the years. I really made them "real" in my head, and I truly lived out a whole additional life in my mind to escape the family drama in my real life. Wow.
Me too! It's incredible how detailed that additional life becomes.
Same. And I went to church where I learned to think these were evil thoughts. I think it has only been in the past year that I really realized that is not true. This was extremely useful to hear.
Mine has mostly been for celebrities as well! I've been jumping from one musician to the next since high school. I've wasted so much time researching people and collecting data about their lives to deepen the fantasies. I could probably be a private detective with the shit I've picked up over the years lmao
Me too. I also did this with regular people to escape my loneliness
Same
Your mention of a tricky home literally made me point at the screen and go "BINGO." because you succinctly described my situation, which I never really can. I have good parents and my needs were met, but the actual emotional needs weren't quite there. It makes me feel guilty for having similar issues to other friends of mine with more visceral, discernible trauma.
This made me cry 😢. You express so well what was and is still going on in my emotional world. "The adoption fantasy" helped me survive my childhood. I thought "it's simply not possible that these two awful people are my parents. They must have kidnapped me as a baby and my real parents, who are loving and caring, are somewhere out there right now looking for me". I think I was waiting for years for my real parents to come and find me. 😢
Maybe I'm still looking. Limerence happens to me all the time.
OMg I just rememered that I believed that to the point where I told my friends that I was adopted, even to my parents at some point??
This struck the biggest chord ever for me. This is probably the thing I struggle with the most. As an adult who still lives with their abusers (not by choice) I still maladaptive daydream and find myself in limerence constantly due to feeling utterly powerless by having to stay in that enviroment. Every single thing you brought up was super painful and hard to take in but I needed this more than ever. You really nailed it. I really can't explain how much I needed this video. Thank you, Patrick.
It is so horrible being locked into a toxic situation. I wish you a chance to move on.
Hugs ❤
@@elizabethhouser3357 @aliveandwell Thank you both 💜 Sending you lots of love to your journeys as well
I’m so sorry you have to endure living with people who treat you badly. I also hope you get the chance to take your leave, sooner than later.
I am there EXACTLY and the daydreams are extraordinarily strong, I'm with you.
“Trauma survivors think that we’re gonna lose people before we even say hello to them” hit me so hard
Growing up as a young girl with no mother around, I understand this so deeply. Even now at 25, I can be thrown back to 3rd grade at any second, back to the carpet on the floor of my classroom, with the assistant teacher, Mrs.Diaz. We were being read a story, and she noticed how tired I looked, so said I could lay down with my head on her lap. Then she started gently rubbing my head, like pulling my hair behind my ear and had long pretty fingernails that felt really nice, but it was the fact that she was acting in a maternal way to me, showing me affection that I never had from my mom, it literally melted me like you said. I didn't realize why until now, but I guess just missing that closeness with my mom wasn't something that crossed my mind, I just really liked being cared for for once in my life.
I’m 63 years old and a survivor of multiple ACE’s. Thanks for helping me to (finally) understand why I do what I do and, did what I did to cope.
I concur
At 62 I feel the same
I always felt in my childhood as if my mother would have had a sixth sense concernimg me: every time I had a good experience with others which elevated my mood and self esteem she brought me deeper in shame with her words as soon as I was at home.
Oh mine did too! 😶
I always got the "_____ thinks you're so ____, but they don't have to live with you! They don't know how miserable, cold and deeply ugly person you are on the inside!"
I seriously think my momster was psychotic.
@@StephieGsrEvolution Hugs. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. 💕
@@juditveres_hearts hugs back 💗 and so sorry you went through what you did too!
I just realized after I re-read that you weren't talking about that exact kind of thing and I jumped to make it about me a bit. Actually, it's pretty complicated and unnerving to have someone (especially a mother) cut you down because they knew you were vibing higher. 😓
It's just that I didn't think anyone else had this kind of stuff happen to them until I get to Patrick's comment section. Validating, but still painful! 💜
Best wishes to you! 🕊
@@StephieGsrEvolution that's horrible, no child should hear those words. 😢
My mother was the same way...She couldn't stand to be around me but she sure didn't like it if someone else paid attention to me.
This video made me cry. I never understood why I got so obsessed with people, whether it was crushes or celebrities and I knew it wasn't normal bc I personally didn't know anyone else with the same intensity of attachment and obsession. Now I realise I lacked emotional support from my parents growing up, mostly from my dad. It sucks that I have to deal with it now as an adult, but I am really done with limerence taking over my life
This is me as well. It’s heartbreaking, but we need to heal. It’s so hard but we need to heal fully
My childhood trauma is because of heavy alcoholism/ verbal/ psychological abuse. And also I grew up without my dad because he went to prison. Every 'love' I've ever had is limerence excluding my current boyfriend of 4 years. I've wasted years and years of my life loving people that I've never even talked to, in middle/ highschool/ college thinking 'maybe some day they will know and reciprocate' etc, mainly with teachers and once a fellow student (older men basically). The worst limerence was when I was in freshman year and saw a boy, and was obsessed with him for the next two years, never talking to him ever. Fantasizing about him every day, drawing and writing about him, dreaming about him every night, crying regularly. Having these super deep and devastating thoughts... Just INSANELY infatuated, wasting so much time.. theres no words. I felt like if I got a boyfriend, it was like cheating on this boy. Like you said... the longing and melancholy is so spot on... Even now at work when a man is nice to me, even if he isn't particularly attractive to me, I pretty much 'fall in love' with him instantly. I look for father figures regularly in these men too. I will think I have these connections with these people that definitely don't exist, and I fall into that trap often. And the realization that they don't care about me is very painful.
I had a loving charming childhood. At 14 I met a 19 year old who had an explicit sexual relationship with me. He died at 20. I was completely derailed. I quit school at 16 and for the next 3 years I had numerous one night stands until I got married at 19 and had a child at 20.
My limerance was this relationship with the man who deflowered me. I continue to search for my self to this very day. (I'm 70)
I'm not surprised to hear that you're attached because there is deep trauma there- predators have that affect. I hope you find your peace
I am so sorry.
You’re living in the ‘what might have been” but u can help ur self by going through the 5 stages of grief whole heartedly bc u haven’t accepted his death which keeps you in the limerence of what might of been w a person who u already know it can never be (bc he’s deceased)….Accept ur past, accept ull always miss the might’ve been & that he was only a season and a reason person in ur life & not a lifetime as uv made him=Truly accept then, get u a balloon and write good bye on it & let the past & present go so u can Now truly live in the now so have a beautiful future without him=It’s not even about him it’s about the part of u w him that’s what & who u miss=That’s how we all fall in love👉the person reflects the best of us so mourn that part of u that was & will never be (she needs ur love & compassion more than anyone & u can have 10x’s more than u ever had w him but uv got to allow urself)….so, Go on u lil caterpillar & BE the lovely butterfly u were always meant to be; it’s ok now!🐛🦋
Wow. That's hard. But maybe his death was the best for you, because you deserved better. The universe ways are mysterious. Big hug
Hope you get better❤
Can't wait for this video! I always have had a strong sense of embarrassment / cringe / shame when I look back at some of the limerant episodes I've gone through. It made me feel there was something off with me and that others would judge me hard core if they understood how romantically obsessed I was with people who may not even know I existed.
It's nice to know that there was something about the way I grew up that caused this in me, it's not some moral defect.
Definitely NOT a moral defect
Well said. The shame seemed to cause more damage that would set me on the path of the next event of feeling horribly vulnerable and then brushed aside. All of this rejection was piled on top of all the past rejection.
I came to realize that I had no knowledge about how to grieve when my mother died when I was 6. There was no support for me and my father was drinking heavily. I judged myself so hard for not being able to handle that. Then I run into a six year old in present day and suddenly I realize that I was presented with an impossible challenge for a six year old to navigate. Any time before when I felt rejection I felt all of the pain of that 6 year old child that I had to carry alone.
Yes, I always felt so ashamed. The intensity was always next level with this. You aren't alone!
YES!!! I need my grown sons & dil’s to cut me some flack. I have a lot going on. This is me. I’m still mom, gramma , friend & nurse. I’m just a human being who makes mistakes like everyone else
I feel really silly about it too. It's emotional survival. You are not the problem
I feel like I only get this way when I notice people need to be “fixed” I have this thing where I want to help ppl who are “broken” I’ve realized I just want them to depend on me for happiness I don’t actually want to help them…idk what to do with this.
Just the slightest attention from an adult can mean so much to a child, it can be so meaningful and positive, or a despicable route of abuse.
Whoa Patrick - this video switched on a few lightbulbs on for me. When I was a kid, I absolutely had adoption fantasies. I would often overstay my welcome at a couple different friends houses (who's parents were SO NICE to them), hoping that maybe they wouldn't notice and that I could stay forever. I even asked one of them once if I could move in and they were actually open to it (of course my parents would have none of that, because how would THAT look). I was close to my cousin and tried to move in with her and my aunt and uncle. Even at large family gatherings, I wouldn't sit with my own family, I would hang around with the other families and wish I could go home with them. I remember feeling desperate for connection and escape from my current situation. And then when I became dating age, I had fantasies about being rescued and whisked away and taken care of, and that led a a LOT of bad decisions. Interestingly enough, I just had limerence pop up in my life again. I'm in my late 40's and have been in a good partnership for years...but when this new guy started at the office, I was obsessed with him. And I couldn't figure out why. I knew logically it made no sense - we barely knew each other, he wasn't going to leave his wife for me, we had totally different lifestyles, etc. I couldn't figure out what was going on in my head! Thankfully I did not act on it, and after a couple months it faded away and now I'm like...what was that about?? Well thanks to your video, I now know. THANK YOU! You rock!
god do I relate to this so much, I'm 23 but so far this is me exactly!
I've been thinking about how important the kindness of acquaintances/strangers can be during our development and how those small actions of compassion change lives in small ways; I had a few of those moments and they are with me to this day. The woman who ran the gym desk is a light worker; I hope she had kids and raised them with that same empathy, and/or that she knows that she gifted you with that precious moment of safety. Thank you to all the kind strangers everywhere, you are our example of loving kindness. 💝
Wow, I just sobbed my way through this video, as it evoked so much pain and struggle in my Daddy-daughter deficits. Nice to know there is a “name” for this dynamic. One of the toughest pills to swallow is accepting that my desire for a loving, admiring father will likely never be fulfilled on this side of eternity. But oh, how grateful I am for knowledge and instructional videos like this, to help me process the pain. Patrick, your soothing voice, coupled with your personal real/raw stories is incredibly helpful. Thank you for having the passion to share your gifts with others, to help them heal. Your clear ability to think, function, be creative-and even entertain others while doing so-is inspiring...evidence that it *is* possible to come out on the other side of childhood wounds. Thank you💙
Yep, but keep in mind that people can’t give what they never had=Meaning ur dad was never shown not given what he never gave u & it’s in this place where forgiving him will be in your best interest= it’s like being upset that a child was born w a disability & expecting them to perform like a child without a disability=Hope u understand?! Forgiveness is powerful to both sides but especially for u❤
The cure for limerence is basically dating the person you think you want. But that's not going to happen realistically, more often than not, so the limerence lasts longer until it runs its course.
One thing your video made me realize is how in childhood, I lived with my mom who was emotionally unavailable and abusive in her own ways. I always dreamed of my dad coming to rescue me and allowing me to live with him. However, he was in and out of my life and only there sometimes by calling. Now I notice my limerant person is these older males that show me an ounce of kindness. I then become obsessed with them. I just want to be healed.
I am so sorry, Patrick. I know how it feels. When I was 15, my brother (2 years younger, we were very close) got cancer and the doctors kept telling my parents that he wouldn't survive. My parents emotionally dumped on me so much. And I tried to "stay strong for my brother". I visited him every day in the hospital and watched him fall apart due to the intese chemo. I always tried to support him, cheer him up or just be there. Since I can remember, parents were always fighting and there was domestic violence going on. My brother and I huddled up together. We were a team, surviving this hell. When he got cancer, I thought I would lose him. He did survived, thankfully. The treatement was gruesome and he nearly died a few times, because the chemotherapy shuts down the immune system and a cold can be deadly. I feel like the whole family went through this horror each one alone. Or, at least, I and my other little brother were alone. No one was really comforting us, instead I was comforting my parents. During this time, I developed such an intense crush on a pen pal of mine. It was my escape from reality. My rescue. I know, why I have the tendency to get limerent. And I have deep compassion for myself now. I used to hate my irrational crushes. They always seemed illogical and at odds with the heartfelt person I really am. I find much enjoyment in truly getting to know people. And obsessing over someone and projecting something onto them, then I don't get to see the person they really are... I would watch myself do that in horror. I would be like "We don't really know this person! Why are you having imaginary conversations with them? Stop this nonsense!" But then, I didn't understand that they used to save me. Today I ask "What ails you, sweetheart. Why are we trying to escape reality? Are you afraid or sad about something? You know, I can solve these problems now. Nothing is big and scary and unsolvable anymore. We are not at the mercy of these mad people anymore. And also... We could obsess about this friend whom we really know and about how much we love them and get in touch with them. They would actually enjoy talking to us. We could have real conversations with them..."
I’m glad your brother survived and you have now developed this beautiful gentle inner dialogue to help yourself heal. That sounded like such an awful and traumatic experience for you growing up.
Thank you for sharing. Some parts of this hit really close to home.
From the bottom of my heart, sincerely - wishing you all the best!
I am so amazed at everyone's stories... they are echos of one anothers. ❤😢
Man, have we ever ALL OF US been through the "ringer" , eh? Bless the lot of us, guys. ❤🌌
My bro n I were both adopted. My dad is a stoic, hyper religious, (likely narcissistic) workaholic. I grew up in what could best be described as "a pit of perfection."
My mom, God love her was a stay at home mom and got lost in my father's controlling ways to this very day.
I send them both love and absolute forgiveness across the board. 🌌🙏 grateful for the journey type O thang. 🤙 ❤
I refer to my limerance as "My former addiction to "Bad Boys" 😎😈
Beginning with the grossly misunderstood and often hunted - Incredible Hulk. Yip, I have had a penchant for angry, rejected boys from grade school straight on thru to ~ well, just recently, actually. 😑
I have also had endless, ridiculous, absolutely soul gripping crushes on camp counselors, huge crushes on boys throughout school beginning as early as possibly 6 🤔 ~ the 1000's of hours "in active pursuit &/or "imaginings" of these poor, often (usually) entirely unsuspecting boys, then men has persisted like some sickness and I am DANG GRATEFUL for THIS VIDEO ~ THANK YOU 🙏🤘🤙🙏🤘🤙🌌❤
@Tater i resonated with almost everything u typed out here ! i liked the long hair, stoic bad boys who usually wouldn't give me the time of day. I'm still working on it but comparing myself then and now, i see drastic changes I'm proud of myself for, and u should be rejoicing in the progress you've made so far too !
You are wise.
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to reverse engineer myself and understand why my past experiences in relationships were so unhealthy. This topic is the missing piece I needed to understand myself and forgive my self for past attachments and limerences. I always knew what I wanted, but never learned the social skills on how to attain a healthy relationship. Thank you for putting this out into the world.
This is why the CIA targets the recruits with a traumatic past, just not too traumatic.
Abuse that creates a trauma response confers super powers so long as certain crutches are avoided, especially drugs and alcohol.
Those who are forced to raise themselves become wonderful providers once they overcome the obstructive inner child.
I get it. I am grateful for this information. Thank you.
I had this with my teacher in first grade. She was always so nice, trusting and helped me so much while I was getting bullied by everyone. I remember helping her mop the classroom after crafts or whatever. She was very thankful, but unfortunately it meant I stayed a bit later after the lessons, so my mother came to pick me up and saw me cleaning the floor. It became a whole thing where she regularly shamed me for never helping at home of my free will but instead cleaning the floor for some 'old hag'.... She still brings it up sometimes as a 'joke'.
Yeesh. Jeez, Mom. If you were kind and helpful I wouldn't need the 'old hag'.
I also had this with numerous teachers, both male and female. I thought I was the only one!!!
I’m young I’m 20 but I remember in highschool I went through a phase of torture where I was madly limerent for my theatre teacher she was so nice to me, she always encouraged me and would bring snacks and she was just a genuinely good person and it wasn’t like personal attention she did this for everyone but she was in my eyes so beautiful but I knew I couldn’t act on my feelings because it was In appropriate but also she was engaged and as much as I wanted/want to find true love I would never want to ruin someone else’s love.
The mental torture was insane I felt so shitty but I wanted to be with her so bad.
After school in theater club I used to sit next to her and talk to her and I did whatever I could to help her and theatre club also because I was very appreciative how they just kinda took me in.
When I had her class for senior year I sat by her desk and I always did my best work in her assignments.
I don’t know why I’m like this my family life wasn’t perfect but it wasn’t abusive my parents went through a nasty divorce but they always loved me and supported me so I’ve very grateful
But since I discovered woman in 6th grade, I’ve lived my life constantly chasing people who didn’t want me or couldn’t be with.
I never stalked or touched I always respected boundaries but yeah that’s a story
@@hypokratesthehypocrite3513 You're like that not just out of loneliness or neglect, it's a natural human need to find a partner. You are "trying on" different women as potential girlfriends, wives. Everyone does it. I think you have excellent taste, you pick real keepers. But, yeah it also hurts. You are def NOT alone in this!
I was wondering how many odes, poems, songs etc have been inspired and enthused by limerence. It certainly is a game changer to know this is a thing. Limerence has undermined my actual relationships occasionally. I thought they were somehow unique 'soul' connections. Fortunately I kept them secret and limited to the level of professional admiration. I was great at masking until I wasn't.
'I was wondering how many odes, poems, songs etc have been inspired and enthused by limerence.' Exactly. Art is my refuge, I don't want to cure it. Medicate limerence with art, now that's more like it!
“Twin flames” etc…
@@christinaignatov5469i also got deceived from that new age stuff:)
@@christinaignatov5469That whole thing is psychological poison.
Those Tarot videos are basically torture.
I wrote so many poems due to limerance. Still do I can't find an escape.
So true: toxic parents will expect adult behaviour from their child without teaching how to be. Mixed emotions, mixed feelings, mixed expectations. Mind (F-ery). Hating being home with no other option. I was always seeking (subconsciously) acceptance way into adulthood; if by some miracle a lovely family would choose me. Self love deprivation.
I grew up in absolute horror. Sexual abuse, neglected, hungry, you name it. I didn’t know what limerence was until today but I’ve been suffering from it so my life. I remember the smallest things from my childhood…people I would see at the park, etc. God I’ve lived in my head so much my whole life. I wanted to be wanted so bad. Now I’m trying to make sure my 3 kids never feel that way. 🇺🇸
Know the feeling
As a little girl, my parents split, my father would promise to pick me up for quality time at a certain time and place, I'd go there, wait for hours in the dark on a street corner alone and he would just never turn up. The idea that I as an adult now can go back and be the one who collects and comforts my childhood self is a revelation. My limerence in adulthood is based upon connections I make with people who seem to get me deeply, and I fantasize that they'd know what I want without me having to explain my pains and heartaches. That's impossible, but I know my pain, and if I can be the one to pick me, the one who knows how to heal, I'd feel whole sometimes without seeking outside attention. Thank you so much for explaining why I've been acting this way, I have some clarity. ❤
You sound exactly like my present girlfriend. Let me know if you make any breakthroughs!
❤
Tara, my heart aches for that little girl waiting for her Dad. That had everything to do with who he was & nothing to do with you & what you deserved. I’m happy to here you have clarity around this. All the best to you. 💕
I relate so hard to you, I too waited many hours in random places, waiting for quality time with my father who never showed. The clarity helps and i hope we figure out how to love our awesome selves properly.
🤯 this has been happening my entire life. I’ve always known it wasn’t normal, but have never been able to explain it to anyone… even myself. I can’t believe there’s actually enough people experiencing or have experienced it that there’s a word for it! Listening to this was amazing and eye opening. Thank you!
The thing is that we actually think it is normal to wish to live with another family, to live somewhere else, to feel attached even as an early age to other people, sometimes even strangers. We think, everyone is doing it until we realize: nope, it is just us! I came across the idea of limerance this year via the cildhood fairy and ever since I discover more and more coping mechanisms in my life that I was not even aware of, limerance being one of it.
I have been limerant on a colleague for 6 or 7 years now. All I needed was the way he looked at me. That was it. He meanwhile moved in with his girlfriend, they have a 2 year old son by now and up till this year I was completely sure that he was as madly in love with me as I am with him...if only his girl would not be around. While writing I can even smile at this but truly, it is seriously insane how starved we are. I get it now and I am working on myself (having been on and off all the while in my own relationship). So, instead of being hard on ourselfs we should do what no one else was able to do: love us.
I got so into the walking dead, and being taken in by Glenn and Maggie and Carl that I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I always wore outfits that made me feel like I was in the walking dead. I’d watch it all day everyday, read the comics all day everyday. Read fan fiction and wrote fan fiction that was always incredibly angsty where one victimized person would be rescued by a father like figure. There was one scene where Carl eats a ton of chocolate pudding, I ate so much chocolate pudding I’d make myself sick. If I wasn’t doing something that had to do with the walking dead I would start panicking. Funny years later I’ve mostly forgotten everything about that show.
Writing your own fiction is great therapy though, isn’t it...?🤔
YESSSSS me too, especially on fan fiction of victimized person being rescued by a father figure holy shit, my mind STILL does that all the time I literally thought I was crazy some of the time lol, but oh boy can I relate to what you're saying, especially about certain tv shows I watched at the time!
Damn, I did almost exactly the same things but just with different shows, down to the stories and rescue theme. I didn't put two and two together until I was way older.
I guess you took your TV programming a little too literally, but I'm so glad you are in a totally different place and can see how far you've come. That's the important part. It was a phase on your journey
I think that is kind of cool. Nothing wrong with a little creative coping. I also modeled my outfits after Maggie's for a a year or two there lol
This explained so much to me as to why I am the way I am. No wonder none of my relationships worked. I’m 67 years old.
Same age and same problem with relationships. Never knew there was a name for it. Explains a lot to me about me!
“Not seeing the humanity in someone” is the best like in the video. I recall being intimate and always having to close my eyes. I couldn’t even look at my partner because there would be a moment where he wasn’t the perfect version of my limerent object and I had to remain in my fantasy at all times. I am now single and wanting to learn how to meet my own emotional needs and never again put that parental / perfect partner pressure on another human being who is just trying to succeed as a human, as I am
The realization I had last year after my fifth major breakup was that I fall in love with people fast. I learned to embrace that part of myself, but with boundaries. Now that I’m aware of that part of me how it impacts limerance, I feel like I am getting better.
Good, all u need to do then is take relations slow = ur simply forcing urself to do the opposite of what ur imbalanced self doers (fall fast) =Reverse psych urself & ur good ❤
I had so many objects of limmerance throughout my entire life. I only recently discovered what limmerance is. I made many bad choices. Now I recognize it for what it was. I’m trying to be more kind to the little me that just wanted to be loved and seen. Healing is hard. But so worth it.
I'm so touched by that. Because I recognise myself in your words. So so so much. Thanks for writing them down. ❤
This is so enlightening as to my childhood and adolescence. I had crushes constantly, always on older men, and obsessed with getting attention from them (thankfully none of them were predators; I would have been an easy target). I remember writing in my diary at the time that I felt more myself in other people's houses than I did in my own skin. I hated my home, and my family. I fantasized about finding out one day that I was actually adopted and that my "real family" were still out there somewhere, or that my friends' parents would adopt me. Limerence played a huge part in my young life.
Thank you for this video. These videos have helped me understand myself more than the actual therapy I'm in.
oh my god same on the fantasy that I was adopted and had more "real" family sooooo much lol
I would fantasize about the same thing lol that my parents weren’t my “real” parents and that I had a different family somewhere
Same, re. attraction to older men. Fortunately none of them were predators. In some ways it was lucky I wasnt very attractive.
My babysitter use to abuse me by telling me your mother doesn't love you. She was an evil lady. I'm in my 60s now and I can still feel the her ugliness towards me.😮😢 I realize now my distrust started at a very young age. Pls people be more conscientious about who you leave your baby with.😮😢❤
I was abandoned by my father and my mother emotionally neglected me as a child. I was craving for the love & warmth and when I was 15, I met my mother in the form of my cousin's friend. I remember holding her hands in love which I have never done with anyone in my life until that point. We were only talking through the phone calls after that and I craved for her voice. Her voice had the power to alleviate my stress. She supported me whenever I was going through a lot of pain. Two yrs back she left me without giving me any reason. I was devastated and I still can't get over the void she left. Your story about your gym mate reminds me of her.
Patrick when I watch your videos there are so many times I flinch because you articulate something so specific that no one else in my 48 years has spoken of. It's really helping me, as I muddle through ground zero, year one of my life post no-contact. So much sadness and shame to wade through. So many mistakes and messes I've made as a result of struggling with trauma. But I hope to emerge on the other side a healthy and whole person for the first time in my life...
❤️
You can do that. I believe in you
I’ve never heard of Limerence but now I’m asking myself, “Is it Borderline Personality Disorder or Limerence?” I had the unhealthy attachment and obsession with ONE person and no one else and that is what makes me think that I have been misdiagnosed with BPD. I’m going to ask my therapist about this.
You don't have that attachment to that person anymore?
ONE person? Sounds like a ‘trauma bond?!’
It’s so frustrating honestly because I get so attached to people in my life from friends parents down to co workers.. I always thought something was wrong with me but watching your videos has truly been helping me realize how much I’m not alone in this scary world..):
This reminded me of something I had blocked out growing up. My dad and ex stepmother had a superpower of noticing if I was happy, and they would team up to tear me down. Their whole world was set to make sure I was as miserable as possible, and they would drink that in. I would get closeness from teachers, since all I was allowed to do was go to school. I remember my 4th grade teacher was the sweetest woman, and she was always nice to me. I still remember her 28 years later.
I always felt like I was two different people, the one at school and the one at home. The latter could do nothing right. I dreaded parent-teacher conferences, because I'd always hope that my teacher would say nice things about me, generally a model student. They would, of course, but what I got at home for it was a lot of, "Well, who the hell do you think YOU are?" 🤔
It *is* like a drug/drink. It’s another way to escape. To disconnect.
So destructive. And yet I can have compassion for myself and learn to heal this part of myself. Always was looking for parents in others as a kid and young adult. The fantasy of finally being important to someone else. Being the focus. It all resonates.
I have some attachment work to do. Ty.
Pretty sure I NEED this one. One thing Ive really struggled with tackling is relying on limerent fantasies
"a toxic parent will expect adult behavior from small children without teaching them those behaviors" ...... man that hit hard
I am an empath, falling in love with any woman who had that sorrowful look on her face, literally seeking out damaged, trauma-victims so that i could save them and complete their lives. Coupled with a neglectful childhood, a very loving but very short-tempered father, very quiet and peaceful home where my 4 siblings seldom communicated, sexual abuse at 4 when an adult neighbour made me sit and watch him play with himself. All this made me grow up looking for people I could save AND looking for safe-space to anchor my own affections. Teachers, class mates, work colleagues, even bosses. I fell in love with everyone who needed saving and they ALL, every single one of them rejected me. Fell in love at 16, she didn't reject me and we got married after dating for 9 years. I worshipped the ground she stepped on. She pushed me away on our wedding night. Still we went on to have 4 children and i fell in love with the children. She levereged it against me burdening me with everything: childcare, housework, being the main earner, everything and still was never happy. After 2 decades of abuse, i removed her from my affections, fell in love with a colleague and the old pattern repeated. 4 years wasted, she went on and got married behind my back. Fell in love with a senior boss at work. She listened to me, encouraged me, promoted me, told me she'd take me away with her and when i showed her my feelings, she rejected me. 6 years wasted. Now at 53, I look back and wonder, wtf happened to me. Where did it all go wrong? I just want to love them and save them. I can't resist that sorrowful look on a traumatised woman's face, just can't.
I had an awfully painful crush on a girl for 2 years when I was 14/15 I was literally obsessed with her and thought about her every day, and funnily enough I found an article in the national geographic about limerance (although the article didn't link it to childhood trauma as far as I remember) which helped me understand my feelings and why they were so intense. What I realised watching this is that my sister is massively is affected by this :( she had crushes as a teen on friends that had her hating herself for not being good enough for them. Shes always been obsessed with films and TV shows about big families, and other peoples' families.
I don’t want to move past limerence with the person I feel for. There is no sadder thought. Even just learning about limerence is heartbreaking in multiple ways. 😔
I'm the same way
I know this feeling. It's very much like drugs. You think you could never live without it, until finally you escape it and reflect back on it wondering, "What the hell was THAT?!"
I wanna move past limerance and love this person in a healthy way
@@NigGaara I didn’t know that was an option. Who wouldn’t want that? It seems loving the very same person in a “healthy way” would be forever corrupted by the limerence. But good god if I’m wrong, please point me down that path.
@@jason_v12345 Yes. YES. I feel like my life would be so very empty without them. I’ll start to bargain with myself, leading me right back to the drug. I have no real concept about how to move through that, but I suppose that’s the work! 🥺 I appreciate you sharing. Hopeful and terrifying.💘