Limerence: What Is It, Attachment & Love Addiction
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- čas přidán 9. 06. 2024
- Limerence. It's a word most have not heard of. But it is a word that many may relate to. We may go through the motions of obsessing over someone (whether it be an ex lover or someone we barely know) and unsure what this feeling is or why it's so intense. We honestly may not even know why the obsession with this person or ex or friend is so strong and question is something wrong with us, was this the love of our life and this is what it feels like or do I have love addiction? Or maybe we're like do I need to get help or attend SLAA meetings? The reality is much of this all may be true and you may be struggling with obsession, love addiction and could utilize a 12-step program. But we should also explore what limerence is, what the signs of limerence are, what causes limerence, and how limerence is related to attachment styles, childhood neglect and obsession. Have you heard of limerence before? Or is this your first time hearing of it? If you're struggling with being obsessed with your ex or find yourself stalking your ex on social media or wherever or spending time on social media constantly posting for them etc. then you may be struggling with limerence. Thankfully this video will help you understand the root causes and how to work through these obsessive feelings and behaviors.
More videos you may find helpful:
Heal romantic obsession and neglect: • LIMERENCE: To Heal Obs...
Limerence, attachment & childhood trauma: • Limerence, Attachment,...
5 signs you're self regulating through romantic obsession: • Limerence: 5 Signs You...
Limerence & narcissistic relationships: • Limerence and narcissi...
Breaking unhealthy patterns workshop: katimorton.com/the-shop/p/yki...
0:24: Intense infatuation and emotional dependence on a specific person, resembling love addiction and trauma bonds.
3:01: Impact of childhood attachment on limerence and relationships.
5:58: Obsessive thoughts about a person in limerence can mimic symptoms of OCD and exacerbate feelings of abandonment in BPD.
9:06: Recognizing and overcoming limerence in relationships to prevent emotional distress.
12:12: Building emotional resilience to manage limerence urges through self-care and emotion regulation.
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Linnea Toney linnea@underscoretalent.com
Limerence is why I always fall for people who aren't available...or don't reciprocate
Same!!
Me too
I'm the same. Rinse and repeat the cycle.
Then slow down, date long and slowly before nose diving into behaviours that "you know" are not good. Then the cycle is less likely to repeat.
Welcome to my world…I wouldn’t wish this on anyone…I’m truly sorry you experience this too
I would daydream in my bed for hours every single night before falling asleep as a kid/ teen/ young adult so this makes a lot of sense. It was an escape for sure but it’s interesting to hear it was tied to parental neglect.
Same thing happening with me
You know… I knew a bit about limerence because I’m guilty of building the fantasy bond with my parents without facing reality that they were abusive… but when you hit on it being a coping mechanism for distracting yourself from pain and suffering as a child…. Damn that hit deeeeeeep
Sad..😬
Just out of curiosity, do you find yourself having imaginary conversations with your parents in your head, that never really happened?
So Martha has limerence.
As children and young teenage hood, didn't we all pretend to fantasise about our future perfect partner? That was all imaginary.
I feel the same
wow, this really hit home. Seems for me limerence is closely linked to maladaptive daydreaming. When I obsess over someone and ignore all the red flags and make up my perfect relationship - only to be crushed when faced with reality. And this usually happens sooner or later.
YEP. can confirm as an immersive daydreamer myself.
Correct 👏 been there not once but the worst is reality check and emotional withdrawal when they discard you
Yep this has been me quite a few times in my life
I have been doing this my entire life.
Me too, until I got married. Being limerent was both exhilarating and crushing.
@@ambermac77what happened? Were you limerent for your fiance?
I too became limerant recently. I had been married for almost 7 years and now I recently developed an infatuation on a person. The reason I did was she was nice to me at the first place when everyone else in the workplace was mean to me. I had long history of interpersonal issues. I was excluded from multiple social circle. Now it is all makes sense. I need to break this habit. I hope I will find some strength 😊
@@anonymousbee Yes, for almost 2 years while we just friends. But by the time we started dating, he realized he was in love with me, too. We were married 4 months later. 😅
Your childhoodtrauma can make you feel unworthy or unloveble. It effects your self image. It can make you think that you are a bad person, that something is wrong with you
True
I have a ton of childhood trauma, and I think I'm awesome.
@@PhilGrayrock so you became a narcissist lol. J/k
I never ever understood why I felt the need to chase after people. The feeling is always the same. It's powerful and I daydream about them and obsess but as I've gotten older I've realized it wouldn't matter who the person is because it's not about them it's about me and my obsessive need to feel attractive , loved , and needed. I want to get married and be able to have a long term relationship with someone. But I need to work on myself and figure out why I became this way so I can actually devote myself to someone without second guessing our relationship because Ive become infatuated with someone and think I have feelings for someone else when it's just limerence. It feels good to finally put the dots together so I can actually work on myself to change. I feel like I'm always chasing this lust feeling and it's a terrible thing because it's fake .
The only thing that ever seems to work consistently for me is being safely alone and isolated. All other symptoms become unmanageable when I add people.
Yeah, alone forever no matter what I do. At least i learned some more of why.
I hear that🙏
I hear you. I'm now in recovery coz went from obssession I tried to heal at all costs to emotional/sexual anorexia out of fear I might repeat my patterns with someone new
Same
I can feel it thats what being along works for me.
I've also heard this described as an addiction to the dopamine a person can give you. I never knew there was a word for this. I thought I was just desperate and delusional...
You are not desesperate or delusional, it’s in its strange way a healthy coping mechanism to survive difficult times, the thing is as adults one has to find adaptative better ways to cope with pain. Good luck, 🍀, you got this💕
@@ritaamor283 Beautifully put!!
I've done this for most of my adult life. I don't remember if I did this as a teen. The current relationship I'm in is a result of limerence. I think I obsessed to the point of forcing myself into his life....being useful, pretending that we had common interests, ignoring red flags. It upended my entire life in so many ways and now, 5 yrs later, I'm in an unhappy relationship with a narcissist and I find myself back in limerence with other people I see at work. It's because I'm not happy at home or at work, and at first I thought it was just a harmless distraction. Then one of those objects of my limerence has started to take notice and flirt a bit. There are definitely red flags that I find myself justifying. I'm 46, I can't upend my life all over again. At least now, thanks to these videos, I can identify what it is and try to stop it before I get into trouble
Think of it in this way. So you are a glass and you parents are a jug of water. If your parents don't give you enough water (love, affaction, confidents and care) you glass will be empty and thats the reason you feel empty. You search for water (love) so if somebody gives you a bit of water you can because obsessed because you seek love (you are thirsty because you glass is empty)
Don't forget that you can give yourself the love you missed. You will because less dependent on others or obsessive. Full your own glass❤
Could you please give me examples of how to fill your own glass?
@@windermere2330what happend to you is not your fault. If you realise that you can start to heal. Give yourself the love you seek from others and be the parent you always needed by taking responsebility of yourself. Say to yourself I deserve to (for example) eat something healthy because I love my body. Self love = best love❤❤
@@windermere2330 be your own bestfriend/parent. You are loved❤️
@@allishahhh_ I really needed to hear this today! I’m really lonely, depressed, and frustrated with life. Thank you so much. 🙏
@@windermere2330 no problem❤️❤️❤️
Healing my childhood trauma has relieved my Limerence…the healing was really painful but not as bad as Limerence.
Yes! Agree!! Well out. It has relieved it for me as well.
How did you heal it? Through therapy? What do I look for in a therapist? My current one stated last session she is not an attachment style therapist.
This is such an important one as this can lead to people desiring unavailable people like married people and even worse those who are otherwise attached but have deception traits so they bait those who like them. This can be so damaging on so many layers.
Oh. My. Gosh!! This is what I would call my obsession with my then friend, now husband. And other men I had “crushes” on in the past. There was no in-between. I was either not interested at all, or limerence set in as soon as I decided that I liked him. It became an all-encompassing, non-stop intrusive thought pattern.
For me, it’s definitely a result of childhood neglect and/or BPD. I’m in therapy and slowly shedding light on all the dark corners. It feels like there’s always a new “aha” moment that helps put together the puzzle of why I am the way that I am.
So all my daydreaming as a child makes sense now, and the limerence to a specific religious entity.
Limerence...one of the many mental health words I never knew existed, or was even a thing, until I saw the video. While the internet can be a detrimental place sometimes, good things do come out of its existence; like, finding out that this thing you've experienced for decades is called limerence! I've been married for a long time and I still deal with this. The root causes are things I also deal with. It shows me that this mental health journey is long, lonely, and full of learning experiences that rattle me to the core. Great video and thank you for enlightening us.
Omg my 20’s pining over a boy who really didn’t want to be in a relationship took a looong time to get over this issue. I think I’m over this now. But damn what a wound.
oof. This video was a gut punch for me. I am 99% certain that I suffer from limerence. I believe it is one of the main reasons that I have been unable to form a single romantic relationship in my 22 years of life. Ever since I was a young girl I would fall deeply in love with a teacher. My parents brushed it off as a girl having normal crush but this was only the beginning for me. By time I was in 5th grade it had become a deep secret for me that I did not want anybody to know about. I felt an immense amount of shame all the while kept having an intense infatuation with whatever teacher I had that year. Every school year it would be a new teacher. It continued into middle school and only intensified when I got to high school. It was still a big secret for me because I kept being in love with whatever adult was in my life at the time and could not like people my own age. It was INTENSE. Serious intense. My whole mood depended on if they interacted with me or how they did. I would spend 98% of my time thinking and daydreaming about them. I would change myself into them so they would take interest in me more. By the time I reached college I was fearful this obsession would continue to the point that I decided online classes was best so I would not "fall in love" with my professor. I had no control if I became infatuated or not. I started therapy to solve this but then it began with my therapist. This was HUMILIATING and DEVASTATING for me. I told her what I was experiencing and that I understand a relationship cannot happen but that I am also unable to control my feelings. That I want it to end so I can continue living life like everybody else. She was very nice about it but I do not think she understood the extent of this. The pattern and hell this has brought upon my life. I stopped seeing her cause she ultimately brushed it off as "it's okay to like older people." WHICH was not easy for me to do because my heart, brain, and body was telling me that I was in love with her. I had to grieve her like it was a breakup WHICH IS SO EMBARRASSING TO ADMIT cause it was so one sided. I am doing it again with somebody else which is really upsetting. Not a teacher or a therapist. Thank god. Still somebody that I cannot have and is older though. I can't help but daydream about him. I listen to songs and can't help but picture him. I cannot fall asleep without thinking of him. I am addicted to the thought of him. I know it is one sided. I know I am not truly in love. I wish it would all end. I just want to hold hands with somebody for the first time and have all my firsts with somebody I can have.
Hope this video helped validate what you go through and that you’re not alone. Maybe you can find a new therapist who can help you explore this.
Omg thank you so much for sharing this. I related to everything you said. From the never being in a relationship to teachers, therapists and having to move online for college. Like you said it feels shameful and embarrassing to admit but it’s out of our control. I hope we can both work through this and live our life more peacefully.
I really related to this. I had a few teachers and friends moms I did this with. A couple of older men and women. And just like you it all started back up again hardcore when I started seeing my therapist when all my trauma came to the surface. It causes so much shame to crave her emotional validation and support. It feels like a constant roller coaster of craving, obsessing, maladaptive day dreaming. And then I get in session and the reality of getting just one hour hits. When the hour is over I’m once again reminded that her care is limited and temporary. I would rather experience the relationship for what it actually is than feel this pain from this bind of needing and craving more affection than I’m allowed. It literally feels like my childhood all over again and I don’t know how to get through it without leaving because it really feels like the only option that will end the suffering.
Oh my gosh. I support you so much on your journey.
@@Brokenwingz33I think it comes from having an emotionally unavailable parent (or parents).
I have 13 yrs of Limerance with someone. We've been playing a cat & mouse game and i just made the connection that we are both replaying our childhood traumas with our avoidant anxious attachment.
This!
How is this possible? Are you dating them? Working with them?
I've been limerent with various LOs throughout my life. What's helped most is becoming more self-reliant in meeting my emotional and fulfillment needs - journalling especially - and otherwise, diversifying the means by which I get those needs met ie through friends or meeting new people. I don't have such a need to daydream or project my ideals on to some imaginary version of a relationship when the needs that strategy would meet, are already fulfilled to some degree.
Beyond that, it was breaking down my attachment trauma, and identifying what actually "attracted" me to the LO of the day - the traits, behaviours and qualities that they exemplified - and finding ways to integrate or embody those more in my own life. And the final part is just, recognising and acknowledging when I'm attracted to someone, and being clear and direct with my intentions - ie asking them on a date sooner than later, instead of playing the "friend" and hoping/expecting things to somehow just develop romantically from there.
Obviously way more to it than that, but it's the general framework of what's helped me at least mitigate my limerent tendencies.
Oh this helped me a lot too! I’m just glad that there’s a name for it!
This couldn't have come at a more appropriate time. As someone who has been the object of limerence, this has been incredibly helpful for me to understand the processes that lead to the actions of the person I've been involved with. At first, everything went at such a fast pace and I was love-bombed, put on a pedestal and made to feel incredibly special. In some ways, I was aware that this could be problematic and brought up how things were going too fast, but having an anxious attachment style, I secretly revelled in the feeling of being needed. Then over a very short period, it all stopped and I felt such a deep sense of rejection which I initially internalised, thinking that I was at fault for not meeting the required standards expected of me, whereas in fact it was them coming to realise that I wasn't this unrealistic 'perfect' version of me they were projecting on to me.
I would love to see a video on how to process being on the receiving end of limerence, especially when the feelings are truly reciprocated (as in, I had strong feelings for them which persisted beyond early stage relationship infatuation and not a product of limerence). I have romantic feelings for the person who saw me as their object of limerence but it's no longer reciprocated as they have withdrawn into themselves,. It's been a huge shock to the system!
as I went through this, painfully, over the past year or so, I can state to that feeling... that limerence often is also reciprocated - as in the LO feels the very same way, or has feelings for the person suffering from limerence, too. It all comes down to communicating properly I would suppose... reassurance, empathy.
Thanks for sharing your story.
My experience with limerence is a weird one. I think I had emotionally neglectful parents.. but its been hard for me to come to terms with because they "SEEMED" like amazing parents.. but they were really controlling and I think my mom had some emotional incest tendencies. I have considered myself to have an avoidant attachment style, and one thing I have always done is become OBSESSED with the idea of someone. Its all I think about, daydream about etc... but the second they show interest I want nothing to do with them. I would try to maybe go on a date or something with them, but would get the ick really easy and back off. My friends would always find this behavior strange considering I was so obsessed... but I couldn't help it. I love the feeling of limerence, but i hated the after effects of it... because I so badly wanted to feel that same type of love with someone but it never happened. I finally experienced this with my now husband... went on a date, wanted to break it off... and my friend FORCED me to date him more before calling it quits like I always did... now were married. (i also have ocd... so thats interesting.)
Might be disorganized or avoidant attachment style. Might be something worth reading about if you're not familiar with it already.
That's how i feel about the dating bit too! i always felt the need to back off and felt ick , interetesting
Did you develope attraction to your now husband after sticking with dating for a while?... Did you get past the ick feeling or do you still struggle with it?
Both things can be true, they could have been nice parents in some ways but still not good. Humans are complex.
@@000echo000 No, I got over it. I think it's sort of a defense mechanism... But as you ACTUALLY fall in love with someone... those things don't bother you anymore. Those small imperfections dont exist when you are in a strong state of limerence... those people in your daydreams are PERFECT... One thing I had to come to terms with is, no one will be perfect. I had to get over myself... and push myself through some of those feelings.
Limerance as a go-to coping skill-yep.
Where are the boundaries between the exciting healthy normal attachment of a new love, and a toxic attachment and love addiction?
While I am happy that mental health matters now and it's in the spotlight-the zeitgeist kind of has swung the other way, and now normal human reactions, such as; loneliness and falling in love, are viewed as “mental health issues” when it's a normal healthy human response that needs correcting through pills, therapy, and solitary activities that oddly enough makes a lot of money
The longest obsessive love i had lasted about 7-8 years. I was dating people same time but none was like him.
Did you get over it completely?
It's a strange thing that this has become such a discussion topic within the last few months. I've seen quite a few videos about it and I was curious because it was something that I've never heard of before that's seemingly been around for awhile that's being discussed now. It describes that slippery slope into obsession. As Plato said: "Love is a form of madness".
Another (related) concept is parasocial relationships: a one way relationship we have with someone we know who is a celebrity or social media who does not likewise have the same relationship we have with them. For example, Taylor Swift has many "Swifties" who have a parasocial relationship with her that she doesn't have with them.
I've been dealing with limerence for quite some time now. I've always wished there were more explanation on this phenomenon. Thank you.
I grew up on Disney and was _fascinated_ by the dream of a Prince who would save me. I had no true emotional support or connection with my parents. I don't think they knew how to truly be parents, or how to handle my big emotions and high EQ.
I used to daydream as a child to escape, and when I was older, I'd daydream and make up story narratives for guys I had a crush on, as of what I thought was real. 🤦🏻♀️ I didn't know how to truly see someone because who they were was who I built them up as in my head. Same with my family. I had to go NC with my family to practice radical acceptance regarding my family and who they truly are: humans, instead of who I needed/wanted them to be.
❤
The lesson for me after my last experience was : don't engage with anyone. In the garden of life, I'm the weed. I can be a pretty good ween on a vase, isolated from the world, but I cannot be put on the garden, ever again. Your tips are good for those who are fixable and have good character, which is not my case. I just hope my time is not long, because being this broken hurts.
I pray you heal before you go. You too deserve a healing end
@ogabrielalbar I am so sorry that you are going through this and sorry that you feel this way
I understand,for I have felt like what comes close to me gets messed up and I also understood that it doesn't have to continue being that way, so I started cultivating and healing the soil, then I discovered that one of the most beautiful things in those gardens is that the other flowers love me as I am, that I belong and can help those who are not perfect and yet share the good things in them, it is very beautiful to know that there are many that have nothing and yet share it all, your honesty and care ,trying not to hurt others , show compassion and love, we need more of that, I believe and hope you will find the real beauty inside of you and let it shine, we need you 😊
You are allowed to feel this way and you are not alone. You are also allowed to feel happy, if and when you can. Your emotions, your memories, your will, your desires are all as real as anything else.
I strongly believe that we can be seen as a living being or, in another very cold way, based on roles and standards. These are very distinct way of looking at someone. We have the capacity to empathize and it's the... weird one. For me, it's more like art... it does not necessarily serve a purpose, it's not "normal", it's something that is always there and for everyone, but it's not implicit. It's something you allow to manifest, that you develop, that you cherish, many times with painful consequences and going against the current. You have to have felt pain in order to see it in others. Empathy is not "normal", it's just that most of us have it and it manifest in certain ways. It's more like art, from my opinion. The ones giving you feedback are just other people, just like you, that manifest fundamentally just as you. Maybe being in pain is ok too. I'm not saying it feels good, I'm just saying that it's ok. You're a person that manifests this way and maybe you can see the pain in others and make them feel better. Why not?
I am telling you this because you are like music, for instance. We all are. Anyone can tell you music doesn't matter and yes... it really doesn't in a certain context. But for those who like music, like sounds, have our favorite precious songs, how can we unlike music? :) So you are allowed to be this wonderful "song". You are not broken, not because you aren't, but because everyone is. Having a good character is relative. You are allowed to be what you want to be from now one.
The ones that will invalidate you are the ones who are losing a lot, they don't form strong connections, don't form memories, thinking of empty hierarchies that make them feel safe, instead. A person that tells others: "You are not good enough! You must be this way and not the other way and you are not good enough at this or that and I'm telling you this, because I have all the answers!"... how does this person feel like? Probably really miserable. This person doesn't listen to music, because music has to be irrelevant. People that consider music irrelevant are hard to convince other wise. Does this alter your experience when you enjoy listening to music?
You are always allowed to cherish your own experience, how your body feels, again, your emotions, your sensations, everything that is you at your core, even if it fluctuates and your anxiety is sooo intense. It's ok. Who's to say it is not? Just through the message you wrote, and writing these things to you is also healing me and we're just strangers texting. We are partly, amongst other things, CZcams commentators and it's nice :) You say you don't have a good character. But I'm getting your kindness right now and that's going to be a part of myself, as well :) Thank you for offering me your kindness. You could have wrote something else, but you wrote this. I feel good being me right now, and I feel good about you being you. And I hope it's going to be better, your environment and how you feel. There's always this possibility, right, even if we see it as being unlikely?
hang in there... life is worth it!
Super helpful summation, thank you 🙏 I would only add that a key condition for limerence is uncertainty as to how the object feels about you - ideal conditions for limerence to flourish is if they give you *just enough* attention to make you think they might possibly be into you too, but not enough for you to be sure. So, directly asking for clarification about whether the object is actually interested in you is a way to get yourself out the other side. I got limerent AF for a colleague when I was going through my divorce and this advice helped me get past it.
Really good timing for me seeing this video. I was limerent with a woman i worked with in the late 90's when i was in my mid twenties.
She was beautiful and everyone liked her but i could barely speak to her. I ended up passing her notes in which i told her about my problems and of never having had a relationship.
She was always nice to me, i've only spoken to her once since then after my father died and i felt the need to tell her how i felt about her. She kindly listened and dealt with me sensitively to try not to hurt me. I never could really forget her.
It was my birthday at the beginning of April and she sent me a personal message asking how i was and if i was doing anything special to celebrate. A few days after we exchanged the brief messages the feelings came back stronger again.
I still haven't been able to have a relationship and have had issues with limerence since too but at least i know what it's called now and can hopefully do something about it.
You are my favorite and most helpful CZcams mental health educator. Sending virtual hugs and an enormous thank you for the work you do to share important information on living a healthier life. You’re a true Gem. 💎
I never heard of this, but it makes so much sense. This sounds so much like me. My whole life. But these relationships never really actually played out. It was all fantasy and wishful thinking.
When I was younger it was more of a motherly relationship (teachers, coaches, anyone who could fill the gap of my parents). In fact I even still remark about my "moms". And I always knew full well that these relationships could and would never happen. That it was not love it was all fantasy.
And now it's my therapist. And it's like I can't even choose to not feel this way. I logicize it all out, know it's not real. And still, slightest smile and I feel like OMG maybe they do love me!! And the overwhelming fear of losing them. Of them leaving. I used to say all the time please don't give up on me, please don't leave me.
Therapists must feel so affirmed by all the patients that fall in love with them. It must happen SO OFTEN
When I first heard the word, I thought it sounded like a little village on the River Shannon. Then I found out Limerence isn't such a peaceful or happy place. (And, yes, I've lived in that village.)
Nice one! It's good you can laugh about it, if you FEEL like laughing about it. 😂 A stranger extends best wishes.
@@user-zz2dx3qf7u Thank you. Laughter helps.
holy shit, i never knew what this was. this brings it down to the point.
my only point missing: why is no one ever responding to anything? i feel so overwhelmed by the constant ignoring of others...
I really needed this today… Thank you so much 🙏🌻✨
I managed to beat Limerance. I called it Love. You don't need love back for love sent. Your want for this person is selfish, if you loved them you would want them to have a healthy love. It wasn't easy, and takes a lot of introspection and a good read about anxious attachment style and a look at your past.
Ifyou loved you* you would want YOU to have healthy love
Your theory here is SPOT ON. Limerence is an autistic trait in the extreme but all neurodivergent types experience it as none of our parents (all humans are flawed!) are perfect. I experience this and attached it to my ex-wife of nearly 20 years as well. I hope you are recovering as well. You are worthy.
I was a people pleaser as well for years. Therapy started my healing.
Best to you. ❤
Limerence I so so hard and so frustrating. Healing the old wounds is helping .
Glad to finally have a label for it. I haven’t dated in 10 years bc I immediately act like a lunatic and get obsessed. Finally decided to try again and matched a cute girl on a dating app. She messaged me “hello” about an hour ago and I’m already feeling like my world is falling apart around me while dwelling on her. Which lead me to google and this video. With a label for it I can at least try to learn more about it and discuss with my therapist, so many thanks 🙏🏻
Ugh when you started talking about disorganized attachment I felt so called out. 😅
Thank you for making this video. The way you explained it in the beginning unlocked a new understanding for me, so I appreciate it! 🎉
Your videos have always been a valuable asset, but this one knocked it out of the park Kati. I basically hand wrote the whole video b/c each line was a "wow" insight for me. Now I'm going to sit with it and process it. You rock!
This just couldn't be more on time for me. I'm so happy i didn't skip this video!
I used to have anxious attachment behaviour in every relationship, but i learnt how to deal with that. I even managed to keep a fwb relationship feeling comfortable. But now that I'm growing feelings for that person, i suddenly feel anxious about him and i keep thinking that he doesn't like me the way i like him. I hyperfocus on analyzing his behaviour and trying to see any hints that he does or doesn't like me.
Somehow i thought this was the burden of me being in love. But now i see it's just me falling into the same pattern of limerence, since i was neglected and abused as a child and my parents generously gave me complex ptsd.
I'm so happy i saw this video and this is what I'll focus on now on therapy.
I'm eternally grateful, Kati!
I feel the same way, it's like the youtube algorithm is trying to be nice to me!😊😂
The FWB I can't relate to as we haven't really got that far, but I swear I feel like there have been clear-ish signs from her, but knowing now that I have limerance for her, I'm worried if those are even real, or just fabricated. Her sending a 🍆 emoji at 10 at night, then playing it off the next day that her friend's did it for some reason when they were drunk, doesn't really help when I already struggle with looking to deep into things😂
I feel like the most oblivious person when it comes to flirting, but I'm just way to scared and insecure to ask about it or make small moves.
The very best explanation on Liberace I’ve ever heard! Thank you, sincerely. This is me 💯 but, now I can do the work to heal!
Limerence often shows up later in life as part of MLC, midlife crisis. It can destroy families if the one going through limerence is married. As in my case, I was married 22 years. Many of the causes are there, childhood trauma, OCD, fear of rejection and if you learn about Limerence you know you cant stop it. I watched as he began his obsession and I nor our marriage meant nothing to him. His relationship is rocky with his LO, she is controlling, manipulative and is using him for his money. It hurts my heart to see him in this situation.
Putting the experience of limerance aside for a second, it has so much in common with OCD, that OCD treatments are effective. 'Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts' by Winston & Seif is a truly excellent book that's invaluable in dealing with limerance. There are also some supplements that are showing some promise in research.
As far as the experience side goes, and this does vary depending on what mental health conditions someone has, it's so overwhelmingly powerful, so wonderful, that it's very hard to turn away from in the initial stages after the glimmer. Actual love, the honeymoon phase of a relationship, sex, and powerful narcotics pale in comparison.
Thank You Kati! You have helped so much with your videos. Holy Spirit led me to you when I was looking for more answers. I'm greatful that you are here helping us broken People. May God Bless You!
This is very eye opening. Like you say, we cant fix something we dont understand. I never knew this was a thing. Been like this my whole waking life.
Needed this now and saw this now, I feel like it was meant to be. Thank you love
I've never heard of limerence, but this video has really made me think. Thank you Kati xo.
This is one of my favorite topics! I learned about limerence a while back, when Patrick Teahan did a video on the subject, and suddenly I understood so many things about myself. I've been limerent a lot in my past, and I've also been the object of limerence.
Katie, this answers A LOT of questions I have had for over to years. Many thanks.
Thank you for taking on this topic Kati ❤ its affected me my whole life. Now i often feel just adrift and alone in my private world of thoughts and imaginary scenarios.
This is actually so amazingly helpful
I sought help for limerence with many therapists and they were extremely cruel about it. Rolling eyes, telling me to let it go. I was there for help! And deeply suffering and had deep childhood trauma. It’s odd that it took so long for the field to catch up.
You’re the first professional I’ve heard say the cause could be undiagnosed OCD. I believe I have undiagnosed OCD, and one of my common themes is relationships, and it seems to go hand and hand with limerence. When I enter a relationship and my ROCD gets going, I often have very intense limerence. Deep down I think I dream of being with someone where the OCD doesn’t occur, and I’m convinced things would be different, but I know it wouldn’t. Thank you for talking about this!
Thus was really helpfull, I can see how through different therapy like cbt and mindful awareness I ve been able to cope better with self and now i can identify better, knowing me better and the root causes of my character is a good start and this information I know is really going to help me! Thank you so much!!
Thank you so much, Katy ❤ just recently experienced very painful limerence to a guy, so i needed this video
It is great to finally put a name into what I've been feeling most of my adult life. Always ending a relationship means to me dying a little and even stop being a functioning human being which has cost me jobs and other things. I have a support group and the 12 Steps to help me out too, thank God. Cheers.
This is why I consciously chose to stay single and just work on my self-love forever. I cannot be involving people into my life because they don't deserve my mental unhealthiness.
Wow. This is a huge game changer for me. Thanks Kati for the awesome videos. 😃🙂
Very interesting. I never heard of limerence until this video, but I think I had it. We just moved into a new town, and I think this made me vulnerable to feeling that way. I remember watching one of my favorite old/classic tv shows, and I saw this actress in the tv show in totally new way. Even though she had been dead for years and watched this show for many of years, I had this desire to look up information about her, and soon I knew her entire biography. I wanted to watch every tv show or film she had ever been in; and I even pretended that we were in a relationship. I was never physically or emotionally abused and my parents are extremely loving people. In part, I really think moving to a new city at that time in my life made me vulnerable to those feelings. I'm happy to report that I am married and have two children now. You really made me think...
I needed to hear this today especially last 2-3 mins of the video. Thanks Kati and you’re looking very well 😀🇬🇧
Limerence is not always necessary in the beginning of the relationship but it's 1 of the 3 stages of relationship according to Gottman. @kati Morton Limerence is not necessarily a maladaptive relational response..... It's just another term describing the chemical chemistry around honeymoon phase.
So true. You did a fabulous job. Thank you very much.
This was eye opening. Thank you.
This video was incredibly helpful. Thank you so much 🙏🏾❤️
I was definitely like this in my twenties. Anyone who showed any interest in me i would become intendly attached to .
Never clicked so fast ❤️😝
Haha same! I've been watching her super old videos to catch up but now I'm starting to watch her new ones too as they come in. She is awesome!
@@kristi_faith0 💞💞
Story of my life!Thank you for this vid ❤
Thank you so much for sharing this.
As someone who has lived experience w limerence…it’s honestly hellish. It can cause really really bad emotional lows as well as really really intense emotional highs (I also have BPD & OCD). So yeah- the intrusive thought and involuntary obsession parts are not fun. It does feel good tho too. It is an addiction, like u said!
The only thing I would add is communicate, talk about your thoughts, feelings, try to help the other person understand what you are thinking or your perspective or mindset and ask questions about their thoughts feelings perspective or mindset so you have a mutual understanding and by doing this, needs are being met, no room for negative thoughts or misunderstandings.
My experience with therapy is that my action plan for CBT plus the inner child work was critical and allowed me to come to these same conclusions* and the road to complete recovery started years ago.
Additionally, humans CANNOT decide to choose which emotions to address. We must turn inward before attempting to start new relationships! Self affirming actions like self-love and saying “I am a good person who tries to help others” and “I am generous with my time and a kind person.”
Best to you in your continued healing, Katie. ✌️
*I discovered BPD isn’t real. AMA
I have this now this is the second time I’ve had limerence my childhood lacked 0 love and affection unpredictable emotionally unavailable parents
bpd ocd and probably autistic 👉👈 I have SOOOO much limerence. insane
Oh the pain that must be left when someone looks to be in love or find love and only have a glimmer of hope inside. Must be a hard feeling to deal with anytime something changes with their limerence
Very eye opening 👌🏻❤️
Thank you for this. I was wondering if you have any videos on how healthy relationships build slowly? You mentioned about it in this video, but I'm keen to see specific videos. This is something I need to really grow in and I struggle with it given my past.
I appreciate the video. I wish I had understood more of what was going on in my life for the past 20 or 30 years sooner. The underground emotional currents directing my life without my understanding has been devastating. On the one hand it's nice the light bulb has finally turned on but it's sad that it's mostly too late. :( I feel robbed.
TY 4 this. I have experienced this twice now and I'm married with an adult son. I just turned 45. I used to think it was a survival mechanism in traumatic circumstances.
I don't think most of todays therapist are educated, experienced, or effective in their patient's problems with this unhappy state of being. You are an exception Kati.
It's sad to realize that this problem has been dulling millions of lives for generations and now just given a name in the 70s.
omg, not only are you great as heck!!! but been LOVING these office references haha.
This is what I was used to do over and over again since I was literally 8 years old. I would all of a sudden catch intense "feelings" for someone (that would last YEARS) and watch them from afar, making up scenarios in my head but never even thinking of actually talking to them. If it wasn't my current crush, you could say it was celebrities (kpop stanning culture didn't help there). Thank god I met the most amazing and affectionate bf ever who was key to getting out of that (but I was already 19/20yo by that time)
Kati, you’re magnificent and also magnificent. Love ya, thank you for making all these videos.
I told my counselor that I suddenly thought i may be OCD because of my uncontrollable thoughts...
And the childhood trauma....
And the BPD....
OH LORD.... no wonder I am so broken over this man.... I've been trying to break it for months... and I work with them so I'm trying to not do anything.... but I'm stupidly head over heels for him.... thank you for this video....
(1) The biggest thing that helped me get over some one was technology
(2) Grew up in the 80s
(3) Got a partner at the year 2000
(4) We broke up
(5) They went M.I.A
(6) I never got the closure I need
(7) We never discussed the pivotal moments and terminatoring factor
(7.1) All I had was speculation
(8) which left my brain wondering for just on 2 decades...as crazy that sounds
(9) Everyone eventually got smartphones
(10) Computers are now globally ultra portable for everyone
(11) I never technically got closure
(12) But everyone having instant ultra portable access to everyone else...
(13) Means person (X) if not contacting you...had\have the opportunity.
(14) No...if...ands....buts...or maybes.
(15) In hindsight wish I could have let go sooner
(16) I wished I worked on my self more.🤔😕
(17) Little bit sad for the time I lost...
(18) But I could never het those thoughts out of my brain.
Omg that's just horrible. I apologize for your long suffering and pain. Hang in there. Better days are upon us. Chin up 💚💚💚💚💚
Good on you to recommend EMDR & Somatic Experiencing! Because of the OCD component that you explained, I would add Psychedelic Assisted Therapy.
I was a limerent child and teenager. It was definitely a way to cope with pain- feeling unimportant, like I was bad, and dealing with rejected bids for connection from my mom. However, the object of my affection never knew about it. I was terrified they'd hate me if they knew and I was absolutely embarrassed by my swooning feelings. It played into my early relationships too because I'd pick people who were long distance- it would give me room to be limerent and feel the love and good feelings that I came to rely on in fantasy land. While I don't feel limerance much anymore I do still cycle through unavailablity in myself or picking others who are unavailable. Maybe one day I'll be able to heal this :)
13:05 going from random partners and sex addiction to slower paced relationships. Hard!!
What about limerence after a breakup?
Where you were intimate, said I love you, had (what seemed like) real genuine moments of connection.
It’s like someone takes a piece of you, or gets into your head, and it won’t go away.
How could that be explored through the lenses you’re talking about, in order to do self reflection work and finally see it was not love but was trauma playing out.
Thanks Kati
Great vid. I was severe and got it from all the causes you suggested.
I've had limerence for 3 people since I've started dating and it s7cks I can't think of anyone else except that person and they are the only motivator for me
I feel like i have no hope when it comes to relationships. I always get trapped into limberance. I was left heartbroken last time this happened and the guy rejected me. I have been into therapy, i am quite self aware but NOTHING changes. Almost as if I am chosen by god not to have a loving relationship. I am 32 and never had a relationship. There's nothing a mutual feeling. Like I am broken or something. That it just never works out
Limerance can show in various areas of your life where you feel it’s more difficult to act than postpone and dream. If you browse fitness magazines slouching on the couch, if you think your life would be perfect if you had that jacket, that house, etc, it’s a way of not dealing with reality, because reality seems scary. Our nervous system heal in slow progress, so whatever you feel you need RIGHT NOW (even the healing itself) is where you actually need to slow down. The advice to first of all, take care of the core basic needs, like your nutrition, hygiene, in a slow steady pace, allocate time for these things, because they DO take a lot of time is perfect. For the fitness or desire of weight loss for example is better and more real, to eat while not thinking of dieting, than just eating chocolate numbing yourself with fitness images. In that case, take it slow, abolish one thing, just one from your pantry, like chips for example. In relation to romantic limerance the same applies. Give yourself what you wish or dream the other person would give you. Take care of yourself first. Write love letters to yourself. Acknowledge your reality in small steps. Understand that that shiny person wouldn’t change how you feel about yourself. Only you can change that. In small, tiny, steps. Be gracious with yourself. Be kind, take your time.
Thank you SO MUCH for this video. I've been to countless therapists trying to find out the reason because it's consumed everything I've done up to this point and it's been so uncontrollable. No one has ever gave me an answer and it's made me feel so isolated and wrong. I can't tell you how much weight is now off my shoulders now knowing that there is a name for it. I want to learn more because it's something I've been wanting to manage for so long
I definitely had this problem when I was younger. I would “fall madly in love” with real life people or celebrities. I am happily married now, but I still have to consciously remember that intense feelings of lust for strangers or celebrities isn’t real. At least now I’m able to keep it in check, but it was really depressing as a child/teen/young adult.