7 Strategies To Stop Being So Defensive - Terri Cole
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- čas přidán 16. 05. 2024
- When someone comes to you with negative feedback, do you get defensive?
Do you automatically come up with reasons why you did something, building a case for the way you did it?
Do you shift the blame onto someone else?
Or does your heart start racing?
If this resonates, you are not alone. It is human to want to defend your choices, actions, and beliefs.
But defensiveness damages our relationships, which is why this episode is all about becoming more aware of defensive behavior and what you can do instead.
I am covering the signs and symptoms of defensiveness, why we get defensive in the first place, and seven strategies you can use to become less defensive.
Download the free guide that goes along with this episode: www.terricole.com/7-strategie...
If you want to dive even deeper, my pal Mark Groves and I did an amazing 3-hour workshop all about transforming the way you communicate in every area of life. Get scripts, tools, and guidance to gracefully navigate challenging discussions, address misunderstandings, and develop a happier, healthier approach toward communication: crushingcommunication.com/
Time Stamps
0:00 - Introduction
2:06 - What is defensiveness?
4:58 - Discerning between actual danger & the ego
5:40 - How defensive are you? (A checklist)
9:22 - Strategies to stop being defensive
19:26 - Comment shout out
If You Enjoyed This, Watch These Videos
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• Build Unshakeable Self... - Build Unshakeable Self-Confidence With These 5 Tips
• Now is Not Then: Under... - Now is Not Then: Understanding Transference
About Terri Cole
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
Connect With Me
Instagram: terricole.com/ig
Community: terricole.com/fbg
FB Page: terricole.com/fb
Podcast: terricole.com/itunes
Resources to Check out
Boundary Boss Book: boundarybossbook.com/
Boundary Boss Workbook: boundarybossworkbook.com
Insight Timer: terricole.com/insighttimer
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole
I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help's service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
www.terricole.com/gethelp/ -- If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
#terricoleshow #communicationskills #relationshiptips
Let me know below- how defensive are you? Which strategies would you like to try? Remember to download your free guide for this episode here: www.terricole.com/7-strategies-to-stop-being-defensive-guide
You are God sent literally.
Hi I am candy
I just started to watch ur videos and I like them a lot. Just want to say hi and that I am candy
I am not defensive in my professional life. However, I get very defensive with my significant other when they tell me I did things that I did not. I am pretty good at accepting feedback if I did do something wrong and I apologize. But when they get upset, they say exaggerated things or things that are outright incorrect. I noticed that this happens most often when she is having her period. How do I continue the conversation based on a premise that isn't correct? I tried to neither agree or disagree with the statement by not answering her follow up question, but she thinks I am stonewalling her when I try that. Do I say nothing and apologize and let that person think that I agree that I did something wrong when I didn't? Won't this build up over time and cause issues in of itself if my significant other thinks I am always messing up and I don't disagree?
If you don't have much time, here's a video summary:
1. Move from reacting to asking questions. Get feedback. Take it as a growth opportunity. Listen with an open mind. Don't go into fight or flight.
2. Raise your self-esteem.
3. Have boundaries.
4. Don't let people whose opinion you don't respect give you critical feedback. Don't worry about what everyone thinks about you.
5. Practice mindfulness. Medidate to create space between the thought and action.
Thank you🙏
Much gratitude from Morocco
8. Stay away from insensitive people.
Yup
A lot of times people are apathetic, bc to feel will open up too much pain for them 🥹
Good luck with THAT
@Christopher.W Right, lol...sometimes we can't avoid everything
being defensive is my greatest flaw and my greatest challenge I have yet to overcome. I don't know how to avoid it sometimes because it's become so second nature to me. thank you for this video. I'm trying my best to work on this.
I see you, and you are not alone ❤️
Overly guarding ones self out of some fear of harm, after multiple decades of trauma survival, needless to say can make the kindest seem ferallly vicious...
@@forgesoulfire1320 you're not wrong!!
If I wasn't at work, I'd be slobber crying. This is my kryptonite. It has ruined my life. I will subscribe and begin my journey to change. To know someone can explain and teach how to stop this! This is a blessing.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️❤️
@@terri_cole thank you so so so much. That's awesome to hear from someone who was exactly like me!!! 😭 If you can do this I can too. It's just amazing to find my "how do I do this?"And have a knowing that I can do this!.
You can absolutely do it and I am cheering you on ❤️
The truth needs no defense. I'm a true, authentic person with no reason to be defensive. Thank you, you're a bombshell boundary boss!
“Listen with the intent of learning” excellent.
I get terribly defensive in my head. I may sit there and listen and nod and respond the right way when someone tells me an area in which I need improvement. But then for days afterwards I am ruminating about it and coming up with reasons why they were wrong, and feeling really angry about it. It takes me a long, long time to calm down. But at least I don't blow up or come back at them with excuses or other-blaming and I do try to learn from what they have told me. I wish I just didn't continue to carry it around.
I see you ❤️ Maybe do some journaling around this when it happens and explore your feelings on the page. Writing it down can sometimes be a release.
You may be a highly sensitive person (HSP) who feels emotions intensely and processes deeply. I understand. Movement and music and nature helps me get out of my head.
I used to do the same thing. Replay it over and over in my head, "I should have said this, I should have said that". I realized that I lacked confidence, very insecure of myself, needed validation from others. I didn't know me to my core, didn't love myself much either but all that has changed. I speak up for myself now.
O my God yes! I feel like that many times. But me I usually tell them they're wrong in the conversation. 😅.
Do you get passive-aggressive when you're buried in this anger?
I realize now that I have been defensive in some relationships. My upbringing was shaming and blaming and being punished or shamed for even the smallest mistakes. I remember being ranted at for a 3 hours car ride for just saying that awful word "jock" in a conversation with a guy my age that my mother was apparently eavesdropping on. "No lady uses that word and what will other people think about us that you're using that word!" My father just drove and let it go on and on. I was 14. I remember thinking then. As soon as I could that I was going to move out, and get away from them.
I'm so sorry you experienced that in childhood, Dawn ❤️ It makes sense that you'd be defensive (it is human!).
I totally understand. My mother likes to tell me to let it go...but HOW we were raised our upbringing directly correlates with who we ARE as adults.
15:05 1st Fav Line
☆Choosing to take critcal feedback from people you respect (people you care about & people that truly care about you) make it easier knowing it comes from a loving source
(& Boundaries from people you dont care about or opinions dont value)
you are amazing... clear, concise, kind, knowledgeable, I just love your podcasts! I asked my therapist a few years ago to point me in the direction to someone that explains co-dependency/narcissistic abuse... you came up and Dr Ramani. Oooh to hear you two chat would be out of this world. Thank you sooo much. You will never know how much you have helped me. Thank you
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Kelly 💕 So glad to have you in my crew!
Amazing video! Thank you ❤
This lady is generously providing Helpful information.🇺🇲💥💯🎯💯💥🇺🇲
This is so helpful!
Thanks, Terri! 👍 ♥
So glad it was helpful for you! ❤️
Such a beautiful video. I can relate so much. I too love sincere criticism now and its so freeing! I am hoping this video will help one of my friends achieve this mentality. Everyone deserves to see the world like that!
So eye-opening!!! Thank you.
So glad it was helpful for you ❤️
I got your book and absolutely love it. Thank you for your advice! ❤
I'm so glad you loved Boundary Boss, thank you for letting me know ❤️
Thank you so much love! ❤
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Thank you so much for this amazing content ❤
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Thanks Terri. This was super hopeful.... this is a dynamic that is extremely present in my native family. Much appreciated!
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I can't wait for your workbook I pre-ordered! I wish I could have an hour long talk with you! Thanks for all your wisdom and advice..❤
Thank you so much, I appreciate you ❤️❤️
Yes , I become defensive due to childhood trauma, however, I am working out of this reactive attitude. Thanks once again for these insightful videos. Im all about love doctor, never want to get into tiffs witb people, however it hurts others and me. Many thanks again. ❤.
I needed this one 👏🏼👏🏼
So glad it resonated ❤️
Thank you Teri ❤❤
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Thank you for all you do, you make my life better🙏❤️
Thank YOU for being here and watching! 💕
As per usual you hit the nail on the head!! No one wants to share truths with a defensive person!!
Thank you
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Thank you for all the work you’re doing ❤ it is helping me so much to unravel my life and has been integral in helping me find myself for the first time in my life. Which in turn, is helping me become a better daughter, sister, mother, and overall person. You are so appreciated!
❤️❤️❤️
Awesome and wonderful teaching ad very insightful. Thanks for sharing.
So glad it was insightful! 💕
Thank you so much.. ❤
You're so welcome! 💕
Wonder positive educational talk. I am buying the book asap! Thanks for helping all of us that never knew about Boundaries ❤
Thank you so much ❤️❤️
You’ve really opened my eyes to my behavior, and I really needed this in order to save my relationship. New subbie for sure!
❤️❤️
Truly Awesome
Thank youuu!
I appreciate the tip on discernment.
You're welcome- I've got a whole episode coming up about that in a few weeks! 💕
I had a good childhood and my parents were not critical . However after being married with a covert narcissistic husband who was always antagonistic, I became very ver defensive until I learned about his problem that I stopped being defensive and I had to work hard at it after 25 years of being in this relationships not knowing what I’m dealing with . Thanks for your session you are amazing !!
That is so difficult to deal with ❤️ Thank you for sharing your experience here.
This was really well put together.
Thanks!
Thank you for all your work!! I have had issues in the past with being defensive. I found it happened the most when someone triggered me with some of my trauma issues. Looking back and after working on this, i realize that i was so worried about other people and what they thought that I lost myself and wasnt worried about how i was feeling. Love your books, thank you again. Blessings from Spain 💜
Thank you for sharing your experience with us, Daniella ❤️ So glad this was helpful!
More wonderful Valuable, insightful information!!! ❤😌🤗
Also, i just have to tell you, Terri.. I just finished reading the chapter titled Boundary Destroyer’s… and i had to stop and hug the book and cry and whisper (to you) thank you 🙏☺️❣️ you obviously understand & I thank you for that.
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Thank you, your words have made a big impact on my life , 🎉❤
Thank you for letting me know and for being here ❤️
This was exactly what I needed
So glad it was helpful for you Julie 💕
Thank you for this wonderful video
Thanks for being here!
Thank you for this teaching I need this and I passed it on so we may have healthy communication and conflict when it rises
Thank you 💕
Just finished reading The Boundary Boss. Great book with keen insights. Will get the workbook next.Thanks so much Teri.
So glad to hear you enjoyed Boundary Boss ❤️ I hope you find the workbook helpful!
Thanks
❤ Thank you Terri , love this podcast and it reminded me the way I use to be when was young.Until one day someone said something similar as your boss did. Then I started questioning myself and worked on it Now I see it in my daughter ( she loved your book “ boundary boss” by the way ). I brought her attention to that and she was defensive about being defensive ..but..we are working together and I can say everything is going right direction.
What an amazing shift 💕 Way to go both of you!
I am sooo happy that I found your channel! I had no idea that I have been defensive, especially to authority figures! Especially my manager..
I am neurodivergent (ADHD and Autism spektrum) and have bordeline and GAD. So least to say I can be very sensitive towards others, esoecially if I experience that I have done something wrong, someone is accusing me or/and humiliate me in front of others by calling me out or being in general an asshole...
I have been so affraid of going to work for this reason.. I get so anxious and sad only when I think about my manager, becasue she always have something to say to me.. Feels like I never do anyhting right and making me feel worthless..
Your videos has however made me thinking about myself and my own behaviour. Not saying that what some authority figures in my life has not being assholes, because they have, (not to be defensive really! It's just that I hate rude people). But, I think I have stopped seeing who really wants me harm, and who really just wants me to listen! I think in my managers case, even though she can be unpredictable from times, (some people have feelt her being harsh and sometime mean too), but that is often because of stressful situations that happens because we have a stressfull job. I try to see it from her perspective as well. She has been clear that is nothing personal, even if it sometime really feels that way. And is as you say, that thanks to how we behave and communicate towards each other, it can create a bad sycle between the two of us, because I am defensive.
With that being said, I believe that I myself maybe have stopped seeing the difference between someone actually being an ass, and someone who just wants to give critisism. In my mind they are the same! And it's bad because then I can't see the actual truth in situations, and not able to separate the two!
I hope I be able to learn. I think my defensiveness really steams from childhood and also stupid people in adulthood. I was such a people pleaser and never stood up for myself whenever people did me wrong, and felt embarrassed in many situations because of bullies... So today I feel the need to defend myself from every threat..
From my perspective also, I feel that people are more capable of being nice and less harsh, to the point that they start sounding mean., Because I don't always get defensive, only if I feel someone sounding like an ass.. But don't like to be bossed around either, not that I think anyone does, but I have just such bad trauma from previous work places that really took advantage of me in the past. And now I feel that most places and people just wants to use me and filling up their own egos by being bossy because they can.. I have never realized if im being delusional to a degree! Thank you again for your very insightful videos! It really is starting to change my life and I realize I have sooo much work to do on myself (not that I didn't know that already, but now I've detected another huge issue of mine that has been hurting me and others too!) Thank you! And sorry for the long text xD it has been feeling kinda therapeutic to write it all xD
I am so glad this was helpful and resonated with you ❤️ It can make complete sense why we are defensive. Self-awareness (which you have!) helps bring on change. I am cheering you on!
Much gratitude from Morocco Dr COLE
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Thank you for making this your mission. You could just keep this wisdom to yourself and there are reasons why someone like you might not take the time and the potential risk associated with bringing these insights to the world. This video was head and shoulders above the normal CZcams standard in its content and persuasion. Because I teach personal development, I am a little jaded and possibly harder to impress than some who are just starting on the journey. I rarely have as many a-ha moments as I experienced as I listened to you talk. Sincerely, you are so valuable to your audience. Although I have only seen one video, I look forward to bingeing on your collection, sensing that I will discover more gems.
Thanks for taking the time to watch and comment ❤️
Thank you!
You're welcome!
18:04 2nd Fav Line
☆Dont be open to hear to some people. Not because defensive, but because discerning -> Can't worry what everyone thinks.
-Only people that love you, respect, and trust really listen with intent of LEARNING when giving critical feedback :)
you are light. 🌞
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I'm recognise that behaviour on my relationship, so late unfortunately, on my 35-40th .. it's take me a lot to get rid of it but I finally succeeded and started to grow much more and faster. Thank you for your video lessons, best regards from Serbia ❤❤
Way to go!! ❤️
Ur the best Terri. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Thanks for being here ❤️❤️
I just got my ah ha moment. I’ll be back here to this channel. Thank you.
So glad to hear that, Marianne ❤️
After a very emotional month with my partner, and a really hard noght yesterday, today we had a conversation because i felt inspired to ask him a few questions about his opinion on the relationship. The question that started the main discussion was, "When was the last time you felt lie you couldn't talk to me? Why?"
Realized that i do not respect him enough and am too defensive. He is an absolute saint with patience with me, and i honestly am beyond greatful. I have a lot to work on and found your channel. Im hoping i can find what i need here.
Thank you so much for sharing ❤️ That is a great question to ask to open discussion around the topic.
Yes to all
Here i find the truth no wise woman is fool to like someone who is not into her. She wont take this risk.
Wise woman got special senses.
A child man worries about devilish women. Women dont risk their life for someone who is not into her.
This is deep truth. Western women are much mature bcoz they understand relationship with it's true meaning. You are so on point 🎯 Grilling roasting is just time pass not a good deal.
Bless you for this eye opener log 👏🏽
I am immensly grateful for you, came across you a couple of years ago on the women of impact channel. And took my first deep dive into your stuff then. I have defaulted back to your content these past couple of years on my worst days. I have cptsd and have spent the last 5 years studying and healing to combat being frozen in hell. I am part of a cptsd community (traumatized motherfxckers) where we have a podcast and online support group and I have shared your definitions with the community frequently. Thank you for all you do, and if the weekly live streams are going to become a regular thing I will fersure aim to integrate it into my routine.
Thank you so much for your support and sharing my content 💕 I so appreciate it, and you! (And I'll be back on WOI soon!!)
@@terri_cole WOI?
Women of Impact- sorry, just saw this now xo
Listen to Learn
Being defensive is my biggest downfall…it’s now become an unconscious behavior when it’s happening but once everything is said and done I realize how defensive I was being and I feel crappy and apologetic but the damage is done….but how do you fight not being defensive with another defensive judgmental person? Knowing how conversations always go with certain people in my life it automatically triggers it when a conversation is needed to be had…But I want to stop that behavior I’m to old and a women to still come off aggressive and masculine🫣😢🥺
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ It sounds like you know who triggers this defensiveness in you. With that knowledge, you can become aware in the moment and change the dance. You can choose to respond differently. It's really, really hard, but also worthwhile.
You can also try and set a boundary- let this person know you want to have more constructive conversations. Take responsibility for your defensiveness in the past/the role you've played in past interactions. You can also tell them if things get too heated, you will walk away to cool down and preserve the relationship. (Basically, you're walking away because you care- not because you're trying to punish them.) In the moment, you can say something like, "I let you know I would walk away when things got too heated and they're going that way. Let's try a different approach." And if they don't budge, "Okay, I am going to walk away from this conversation now to cool down. Let's resume this conversation in ... hours/days."
For yourself, you can also ask the 3 Qs for clarity when it comes to the specific people you find yourself getting defensive with: 1) Who does this person remind me of? 2) Where have I felt like this before? 3) Why or how is this behavioral dynamic familiar to me? These questions may give you some clarity on what is activating you. Again, knowledge is power because when you're aware, you can change it. ❤️
Last tip- you can try rehearsing what you want to say before you have the conversation. If you'd rather deliver it with more softness and love, record yourself saying what you want to say and listen back to it. Make tweaks. Practice in front of a mirror. Try some breath work to get into a calmer state. Say what you need to say with a smile. And be gentle on yourself- this new way of communicating might take a while to feel comfortable with.
I hope some of these tips help!
@@terri_cole thank you, your channel is amazing glad I found it✨✨
Wow! Terri you discussed another great topic for me to learn. I am getting better at not being defensive. I am setting boundaries which helps me. I need to stay calm and react in a healthy way - not nasty not yelling, not answering in a negative tone. Thank you - - I will try to listen and learn.
Right on, Linda!
Great video! Any tips for avoiding defensiveness when a staff member is undermining you or accusing you of something you didn't do?
I think it depends on if that staff member works for you or if you work for them or if you are coworkers. If you are coworkers and they are accusing you behind your back to others- I would not do anything until and unless they say it to your face. Responding to rumors is not empowering. If it is an ongoing situation, I would consider talking to your Human Resources department. I hope it resolves soon ❤️
Good timing for this video. I'm playing this on my porch with coffee. My husband who really needs to hear this just arrived with his coffee. He habitually gets defensive and did so while I was on the phone with a representitive to get an address that wasn't on the life insurance bill. The phone was on speaker, he came in to make his lunch and could hear the conversation. He knows I am hard of hearing AND the representative had an accent. After the second time he loudly closed the fridge door, I asked him to stop slamming around. He sneered at me, "You're always accusing me of things, I'm not slamming around!" He didn't last long out here, he left within a few minutes into this video. No wonder we have problems aside from his OCPD. I didn't know there was a name for his personality until last December.
I am so sorry you're experiencing this dynamic 💕 That sounds difficult.
@@terri_cole thank you, I appreciate your kindness. And thank you for these video's on boundaries.
Thank you for this video Terri.
I'm glad to hear the explanation between defensiveness and discerning.
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I think that and by large defensiveness
comes from a place of criticism and a
defence/stop from being judged.
It can occur almost automatically and
reflecting into why's or as you well
put it doing "basement work" is a very good strategy to improve ourselves and how we relate to people that matters.
Also glad to have ordered boundarybossworkbook already. 😊
Thank you for your support 💕 and yes, you are spot on!
@@terri_cole thank you for your channel 💕
🙇.🙆. 😊
Thank you Terry for your amazing work! I have been going through the most especially my struggle regarding my same sex sexuality. The world is cruel out there however thanks to your advice and guidance I am starting to build my confidence and self-esteem step-by-step. Thank you 😊
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and I'm glad my work is helping you build your confidence and self-esteem 💕
Excellent post! Is there a healthy way to defend?
I think boundaries can be a great way to express our needs, preferences, and desires ❤️
I had to step away from a relationship because of this. I couldn't have any conversations with the person because they instantly jumped to "war", blame, and I was wrong. Communicating was near impossible, it was exhausting.
That does sound exhausting, Karyn ❤️
Karyn I totally understand what you’re saying which is why I sought out this video. I love my man but I feel like his defensiveness is going to make our new relationship hard and ruin it. Everything is blown out of proportion and exaggerated. He tells me I said things I did not say and misinterprets my words even when I’m being intentional about choosing them as to not cause offense. It’s draining and counterproductive. I am going to request and actually be firm about it that I’d like him to watch her videos on the subject if our relationship is to thrive.
@nylaskye I finally suggested and then asked to go to couples counseling, he said no. I finally said, "That's ok if you don't want to go, but I'm going to go." He said he thought that was a good idea. I then said, " I'm going to do it for 6 months, and after the 6 months, I let you know if I'm going to stay in the relationship or leave." He had very little to say after that, and over those 6 months, he made very little attempt to engage with me. In fact, he became very disengaged and avoidant. After 6 months, I decided to leave. He said he thought that was a good idea. I wasn't in a position to leave for a couple of months. During those months, I packed up and figured out my plan, during which he loved bombed me the entire time and was never defensive. It was so hard, but why change once he knew I was leaving? He could have been doing that the whole time but chose not to. It wasn't a healthy situation for either of us, so I left. Not to take away from Teri, she's awesome! But maybe add to your videos to watch JimmyonRelationships.
Hi Terri, I’m totally new here, I just subscribed a few minutes ago. I’m at the edge of breaking up with my boyfriend because of miscommunication and watching your videos makes me feel as if I have been defensive for a while now. I really don’t know what to do to make things better and this makes me really sad.
Hi Mindy, thank you for subscribing and being here ❤️ I am witnessing you with compassion. I have another video on how to communicate effectively during conflict here that has some scripts: czcams.com/video/xpkjFkhK6tg/video.html
I think it could be okay to tell him how you feel- that you realized you might have been being defensive, and see if he is open to figuring out a new, better way to improve, because you want things to be different. I usually suggest a biweekly "State of the Union" date where couples normalize bringing up issues proactively and reaching a solution together, as a team. For example, my husband and I do this on Sundays while drinking coffee and reading the paper.
I liked when you said "Now is not then." I have a person or two in my life who can be varying degrees of defensive, and with one of them, it always reminds them of what something their parents did. Past is prologue, not a recap.
Thank you for sharing ❤️ I'm glad that helped!
Great vedio
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This is a very difficult topic for me as i am in a long term relationship with someone that is very defensive. His response regarding his defensiveness is that this is the person he is deal with it. He doesn't think there is anything to change about this behavior. I'm so frustrated. His defensiveness hurts so much.
I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space for your frustration and hurt ❤️
I'm trying to get promoted at work, my manager is one of those rare, amazing people and he thinks my fear of failure and inability to take criticism, is holding me back. The good news is, I know exactly where it comes from; the bad news is that it's not an easy or quick fix. I'm EXTREMELY sensitive to the tone, regardless of what is said, or who is saying it. The concepts of mistakes not making me a horrible person, and that someone is giving it because they care enough to want to help, and not destroy me are completely foreign to me.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ It sounds like there might be something to journal about there- why do you think mistakes automatically mean you are a horrible person? When you think of "someone is giving it because they care enough to want to help and not destroy me," where does this belief come from? If you had experiences that taught you this in the past, it can be helpful to shine a light on them and remember that then is not now. (If these are traumatic memories, I suggest getting the help of a therapist to guide you through it. ❤️) Or, if it's possible, gather evidence of when coworkers have given you suggestions because they care. Your manager sounds like a good example of that.
I have some other prompts in the guide for this episode that may be helpful, too: www.terricole.com/7-strategies-to-stop-being-defensive-guide/
Terri couple of questions:
1) Do you do any live therapy work? or group work...
2) Do you have any in person seminars? or Zoom?
3) what about that basement? Don't want to go down there alone!
No but seriously, I have "felt through" lived through so many old spooks, but I would like to be able to "clean out the basement" Etc.
Hey there, I do have group courses where I do live calls on Zoom with all the students ❤ Right now, because I am focused on writing my next book, Boundary Boss Bootcamp is the only one with live calls. You can check it out here: terricole.com/boundarybootcamp These aren't necessarily "group therapy" calls, though- I take questions from students and answer them, offer encouragement, and do some live teaching.
As for the basement, you are so not alone. ❤ I have a free community that is private and away from social media if you'd like to join other like-hearted folks going through a similar journey: terri-cole-vips.mn.co
This video is a self-awareness wake-up call for me. I am having real communication issues with the female I have been involved with. The feeling of frustration I get from feeling I am not being listened to and the inevitable back & forth we get into without any real progress being made on either end leads to me lashing out at some point - which I end up deeply regretting. I can admit to defensive behavior as I feel under constant interrogation by that female & I am at a point where I am worried that no matter what I say, my words will be misinterpreted. I really want to work things out because we love each other and we were happy until our recent communication issues just caused an ugly collapse - which we have since started trying to work through. I welcome your input on what I can do to improve the situation I am in as well as the traits I am determined to address in myself? Also, do you have any advice for how to reach someone who is showing signs of being detached from reality but who refuses to consider that possibility. For the record, I have over 10 years of experience in mental health & close to 30 years of my own personal experiences dealing with a condition that I am fortunate enough to have gotten to a more stabilized place. I really enjoy your videos so I will end this with a thank you! 😊
Hey there- I'm so sorry to hear you're in this difficult situation. 💕 I highly recommend downloading the guide for this episode as there are journal prompts that will help you get clarity on these behaviors: www.terricole.com/7-strategies-to-stop-being-defensive-guide
I also have a few other videos on communication during conflict that might help: czcams.com/video/BDLLGVCSulE/video.html & czcams.com/video/xpkjFkhK6tg/video.html
Your partner showing signs of being detached from reality is a hard one without more details, especially as there's only one perspective here. It sounds like you've tried talking to them about it, but have you tried asking open-ended questions to see how they see things? It's possible one or both of you is having a different experience than the other. It's best to be genuinely curious here. Hope that helps xo
@@terri_cole hello thank you for following up. Without getting too detailed, the woman I am talking to has a deep fear something bad is going to happen to her. I sense she has created something in her mind however I am not the one living with that feeling. I just am concerned & I want her to be okay. I will download your guide as a useful reference. Be well!
Thank you very much. Do you offer 121?
You are so welcome! ❤️ I no longer offer 1:1 therapy or coaching, although I do have group courses and workshops. I did a workshop on the topic of communication with my pal, Mark Groves, that might be helpful if you landed on this video: crushingcommunication.com
What a beautiful soul Terri is. So easy to listen to, not patronizing and hugely insightful. ThNk you, from NZ ❤🎉
Thank you so much, I appreciate you ❤️❤️
Where can I find your book to purchase please? Boundary boss. It is sold out on Amazon
Hi there- thanks for asking! ❤️ You can check your local library as I tried to get it in as many libraries possible. It should be available at places like Barnes & Noble as well. It looks like the paperback is available on Amazon US, too. There are more links on this page: boundarybossbook.com/
@@terri_cole thank you. I live in UK. Can check in Waterstones or something too
I got you- Waterstones doesn't seem to have it, but Wordery might work: wordery.com/boundary-boss-terri-cole-9781649630551?cTrk=MjAxNDQ0ODMxfDY1MmU4ZDgyYTQzZGI6MToxOjY1MmU4ZDc5YjBiYmM5LjA5NzExMjU4OmMxM2Y1NzEz
I am so so defensive and all my relationships work and personal and I want to change it so bad and I’m not doing a good job and I’m not listening. Well I interrupt and I am the biggest but girl ever. What workbook do you have that can help me get rid of being so defensive, and not listening
Hi there Donna, the guide is in the description of the video ❤️ www.terricole.com/7-strategies-to-stop-being-defensive-guide I hope it helps! I also recommend mindfulness activities as they can help us create pauses which allows for intentional choices (starting to say something or stopping ourselves).
I think that many times I can listen without feeling attacked by my partner, but I have realised that if my partner's criticism is not done with so much love, it activates my defence even more. I have to be the one in charge of bringing love into that conversation? I feel that it is very difficult for me if I already fall into that state, so it should be his task.
I think it’s reasonable to ask your partner to be kind when sharing constructive criticism. 💕
When Terri said "If you recognize yourself in any of those" I just paused stared at my keyboard and thought, any? I recognize all of those behaviors or actions in me...
I feel like sometimes I'm being misunderstood and taken rudely when I thought I was plain. When I've unintentionally sounded callous or rude to my partner, I do apologize. How do I express that what I said was misunderstood or that I meant no harm without sounding defensive? How do I clear the air when the other person is also defensive?
You can try saying something like, "Can we take a moment to clarify our understanding of the situation here? I'd like to make sure I am communicating clearly and want to us to be on the same page, and I think we're veering off." Try having the mindset of "us against the problem" rather than "us against each other." 💕
I have defensive arguments with my spouse. How do you stop being defensive when your sis in law has told so many lies about you but your spouse believes her over you and there’s been so much side talks about you that the whole family acts weird? What do I do then??
This sounds like a very difficult situation and a tough spot for you to be in. ❤️ It also sounds like this is more about your relationship with your husband, rather than with the entire family. I think you need to hear each other in new ways and validate what the other person feels (even if each of you disagrees with the “facts”, you can still validate feelings).
Also, increasing the vulnerability that is shared between the two of you will help you to be less defensive. If you’re coming to him, sharing your real feelings and using “I” statements, that will decrease both of your defensiveness. For example, “I feel misunderstood and emotionally abandoned when we have these conflicts with your family. I feel lonely and sad.” Rather than, “You choosing your sister over me hurts my feelings. One is an honest and vulnerable share and the other is an accusation. I hope that helps!
Hi, I saw your chanel now and I realize that my sister doesn't talk to me almost never. It is because I tend to react in defenssive. I don't understand how to stop doing that and I just realized it literally now. She tells me things like "i need help" or something in the house. I do it but I roll my eyes first or make some gestures that aren't polite at all. To me it wasn't a big deal until now. I just thought that she was in a bad mood so she didn't want to talk in general. But is with me. I used to be afraid of her a few months ago. But I trully still don't understand why if she never did anything to me. I am a hipersensible person, I feel guilt and cry a lot for this things and then I try to hide it. I feel so ashamed.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ The first step toward changing behavior is self-awareness, which you have here. Now that you know, you can work on changing and understanding. I recommend downloading the guide I created for this episode, as it dives into your downloaded defensive blueprint and might shed some light on where it is coming from: www.terricole.com/7-strategies-to-stop-being-defensive-guide/ It could be that you are experiencing a transference because your sister reminds you of someone you felt the need to be defensive with in the past. It may be helpful to think back- was there a time you didn't react this way with your sister?
Cheering you on ❤️
🎉🎉🎉
When someone blames me or say me something the things I didn't do. I don't explain them anything and don't feel defensive. But I go in pity mode that how could he think like this? Why doesn't he understand my situation? And then I go silent and start to blame me. What can I do?
It depends- some people unfortunately are committed to misunderstanding us and can manipulate us into blaming ourselves. (I have a video about manipulation tactics here: czcams.com/video/XOQDvsK5qcA/video.html) If this happens with this particular person often, then that could be the case.
If, instead, this is a pattern with yourself no matter the person, you may want to ask yourself the 3 questions for clarity:
1. Who does this person remind me of (from my past)?
2. Where have I felt like this before?
3. How or why is this behavioral dynamic familiar to me?
This might shed some light on why you blame yourself. (For example, it might be that you were the scapegoat in your family of origin and were shamed into blaming yourself as a child.)
I also think you can have an honest conversation with someone if they are not abusive. "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about what you said the other day. It really hurt to hear that you think I did ______ and I'd love to get on the same page about this by sharing how I saw the situation." You can see if they are open to it- it's possible they may not be, which means you need to decide what to do with the relationship. I have tips on how to be more discerning about the people in your life in this video: czcams.com/video/v1UQ8e0ZLiY/video.html
I hope that helps 💕
I wonder: do people ever get very defensive around people they trust? Like you say, when people are judgemental it's more common to get defensive. So, isn't it a action - reaction thing? Isn't defense ONLY in place when there is an attack of some sort, no matter how subtle? What I'm trying to figure out is, when someone gets defensive because of an emotional flashback, is there always some validity in that, because they were triggered?
I used to be extremely defensive because of CPTSD. Now I've learned that there is absolutely no point in defending yourself to narcissists because you'll never get them to share your point of view. You can explain your actions until you're blue in the face and next time they will start all over again. It's a complete waste of energy, so I'm not going there anymore. And with others I don't have to defend myself.
Having said all this, there is a fine line between explaining and defending. And sometimes that's still hard to figure out for me.
People can get defensive around people they trust if they get internally triggered, whether the other person has done anything to provoke it or not. Our triggers are an inside job based on our lived experiences. ❤️ (I have more on that here: czcams.com/video/sCHI7polDEc/video.html)
Thank you I just found you due to me going to marriage counseling. I searched and found you God is guiding me the right way always.
Well I am so glad you found your way here, Jamie ❤️
When a person has strong anger issues and stomps, cusses, pouts over tiny things and chooses to defend the right to those violent outbursts rather than to learn to react in proportion.
I have a tendency to make assumptions automatically and then I lash out.
Thank you for sharing ❤️
I shared this video with my sister, and now she’s mad at me. 😝
What if it only happens in personnal not professional?
This is for any situation or relationship in your life because the focus is more on patterns of defensiveness. ❤️
Hello iv find myself being really defensive after a couple of bad relationships
You are so not alone ❤️
So what do i do when im in a 30 year relationship where he assumes and condemns me and I have to defend myself?
Hi there- I'm so sorry to hear about that. ❤️ This video is speaking more to patterns of defensiveness in all areas of life, not situations where we are justified in defending ourselves because of abuse.
I’m in my 30s and my boss tries to demean me in front of my colleagues and boss’s boss. Even if I’m not worn the manipulative choice of words project me look like that hence I feel the need to defend myself
I'm so sorry you're experiencing that from your boss ❤️
I had this elderly friend whose husband cheated on her and she used to teach me empowerment which i found weird. She was very critical of my life choices. But she definitely was projecting her own demons
Maybe she’s teaching you empowerment in a way that she doesn’t want you to go through what she went through……..I’m thinking that’s her perspective since I do the same thing(who am I to talk, right.?)
@@sandral5086I was thinking the same, that she was helping her avoid what she's going through.
@@sandral5086but she was very critical in her tone. She also shamelessly was talking to her friend on the phone saying how skinny I became knowing I was caring for a person with cancer in hospital. We need kindness but not harsh and critical sarcasm. Thanks anyway 🙏🌼
Honestly, it depends. One girl got drunk and came with parts of my private life that other girls gossiped on my back... When she was sober again... She apologized in the most humble, loving way... I can be a shady bitch, but her apology was 100% real... I still love and remember her as a great friend. Where there are other people who are just not worth it. Pschycologist one day tell us to contruct walls and separate from narcissist... And the next day tell us to be welcoming, don t be deffensive... So, Dudes make up your minds. We need a certain type of filter to somehow read what s the other on bringing, some discernment. It also has to do with an overexcited mind, maybe from trauma or excess shaming... 😱Nobody can convince a person in this state to have some trust. It s a proccess. So depending in which part of the proccess you are at... It s more realistic to carefully open up and check if it s ok 🤔😒
Hi there- I hear your concerns. I agree, this absolutely is a process, and I recommend watching how people behave over time and going slowly before trusting them completely. People's behaviors will often show you who they are early on if you're open to seeing it. The strategies in this video are not meant for those in abusive relationships. My content does not focus solely on narcissists. Many of the people in my crew have expressed that they are actively working to become less defensive and I wanted to put this video out for them. Thanks for watching 💕
My biggest issue is when I’m
Told something I get this spike of anger or adrenaline my head and causes me to tense up and go in fight mode. It’s hard to challenge the dialogue in my head when it’s overwhelmed by physical sensations
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ Have you tried beginning a meditation practice? I only ask because mine has helped me create the most mindfulness in those moments. I've gotten an extra 2-3 seconds of response time!
@@terri_cole I will be purchasing your book, but if you suggest any good mediations to accommodate, that would be great!
Of course- I have over 20 free meditations on Insight Timer: terricole.com/insighttimer It's a great platform to discover other meditations, too. My favorite teacher is davidji, too ❤️
I am so defensive and I don’t know what to do
Hey there- you might want to download the guide for this episode for a more step-by-step approach: www.terricole.com/7-strategies-to-stop-being-defensive-guide/
I'm very defensive, so what ppl just get to say things about u and assume things, and u just take it
I look at it more like LET THEM THINK WHAT THEY THINK as opposed to taking it on. I am not saying to never get clear if there is a misunderstanding- just that the more you need to control what others think about you, the more control they have over you.
I can understand not becoming defensive with a mere comment, but if someone is threatening and attacking even verbally then go ahead and defend yourself.
Yes, this video is not about when you are being attacked. This is more about if being defensive is a behavioral pattern that is interfering with your ability to maintain relationships. ❤️
Hi my name is Jamie Bartholomew I forgot to introduce myself.