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GRWM: LET'S TALK ABOUT TOXIC AFRICAN MARRIAGE|Kemy Hair|Sincerely Oghosa
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- čas přidán 7. 09. 2019
- In todays video on my channel sincerely oghosa- Let's talk about toxic african marriages.
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Hey ya’ll! I hope you like these types of videos. This one was a hard one to do because I think it’s super triggering for so many of us. But I tried to tackle this with as much sensitivity as possible. Enjoy-let me know your thoughts below!
heya! Just put the better help link in my bio! Sorry I forgot to add itttt
@SincerelyOghosa, I get your question about how colonialism affected things for us. If you have the time, get in touch and lets talk about it. I could share some of what I am studying with you.
I'm a 52-year-old of West Indian origin so not really the demographic for your channel but WOW very eloquently and intelligently put.
This is a good topic. From a biblical perspective, marriage was & is God or the creator invention. He made sure to take from the man (a rib) so the woman would the heartrate,soulmate,helpmate & linemate. When the man saw her , he instantly recognized himself in her. He appreciate her. When a man hasn't done work on himself, he can appreciate the wife. God created sex for our good. Sex is amazing, wonderful & perfect with the right person, and done the right way with knowledge, skills & understanding
Marriage is the foundation of society, when it is done right by ppl who intentionally want to their & do it right, it is beautiful
When I contact westhack000 on Instagram i had the feelings my problem was gone, was with a cheating wife And couldn’t bear it this was bad and I never move on, I needed proof to divorce her but no proof because I don’t have access to her phone my mind needed peace and all I could think was her cheating on me with her ex I needed a miracle and westhack000 on Instagram help me hack into her mobile phone remotely and she didn't suspect or know she was hacked.
Some of our parents are actually not 'friends' with each other and so many them are only together for the sake of the children and that's part of the reason why their relationships are toxic
Seen plenty of African (particularly Nigerian and Cameroon) women stay with toxic men because they don’t want to face backlash from friends and family. It’s seen as an embarrassment to divorce. But ultimately it will have an affect on the kids. I know from personal experience.
Facts!
Very true, that's why my mum divorce my dad after more of 20 years of marriage
This will probably trigger people but can we talk about Toxic Mother and Daughter relationships.
Triggered 😣
Omg I didn’t know this was a thing, I’ve been looking for someone else to relate to
Thelma Mfuta 💯💯👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
I'm still gathering the guts to talk about this on my channel
My relationship with my mum..
I think a lot of our African parents aren't fond of PDA. Like I've never seen my parents holding hands in public, but around the house they did show some affection in front of us kids growing up.
I'm happy my mom raised us with words of affirmation and acts of service (that woman is my hero). That made it a lot easier for me as an adult to be able to express my love for others. My dad was the disciplinarian growing up. It was HIS house and HIS rules. Never really helped around the house. Rarely ever said I love you. His sole responsibilities were to go to work and whoop our asses if we didn't listen. Funny enough, it wasn't until I applied for FAFSA as a high school senior that I found out my mom was actually the bread winner. I was shook! Now that I am older, I have an awkward relationship with my dad. He's always like "you kids never call me; you only call your mom" and in my head I'm like wellll you didn't lay down that emotional groundwork we needed as kids for us to WANT to do that now as adults who are no longer financially dependent. You see what happens when you remove money from the picture? All that's left is the image of you storming to get your belt. Why would I want to call you, when I could call my mom who has never laid a hand on me in 24 years? Lord...I need therapy :((((((
Mara Okafor awe sorry to here babes. And I hope you do take up therapy, something I’ve been pondering on for 7 years.
But I can relate. I talk to my dad maybe three times a year (his bday, my bday, Christmas). He was always in his own bubble growing up and always felt like I was walking on egg shell and constant fear.
As for my mom, we were never close either. She got supper negative towards the end of my high school years. I never call, she initiated and I avoid, which I’m working on. I’ve realized there way of raising me has made me avoidant (towards family, friendship, possible relationships)
I can relate so much except luckily for me my parents stopped beating us when we were young. All my dad did was work that’s it he only saw himself as the provider nothing else and surprising like you too my mum was also the bread winner. When I went uni he would sometimes call me saying the same thing you mentioned ‘why don’t you call anymore?’ And I’m just like well we I don’t have that emotional connection your just that person I call when I need money.
@@notyouraveragejoe7003 I can relate to this so much especially what you said about your father. Very similar to mine (I am Nigerian)
He may have felt a need to flex his power because he felt powerless. Most good men that are traditional, regardless of race or culture feel the societal pressure to be the main provider. If they aren't they feel emasculated. An emasculated male will try to regain his masculinity the best way he knows how. Often tht means taking the role as head of the household to an unhealthy extreme. He likely started off as the breadwinner but at some point she surpassed him in earnings.
@@cathzeta10 I can relate so hard to the money thing.
I personally didn't even get hit alot but the way I have seen him deal with my siblings in the past has somewhat traumatized me. It definitely stems from how he was raised. My grandma (his mom) used to beat her children even worse. My mom said she even knocked my dad out once, which is insane. How you do that to your own child, I will never understand. I am now super over protective of my nieces/nephews around him...and will do the same when I have kids.
"Motherhood is not the only plan God has for your life"
*throws phone out window*
WALAHI SIS IS SPEAKINGGGG
Santa Belle 🤣
looooool thanks hun!
LOOOOOOL
A few of my cousins are in long term relationships but none of us are married. I remember an Aunty asking which one of us will be next to get married during the 5 day wedding celebrations of another family member. We all just looked at each other & laughed awkwardly. I later had an honest conversation with my mum telling her not to be surprised if none of us wanted to get married because we haven't had any great examples of African marriages.
Faraja Christine what did she say? sorry oo I’m nosy
Yeah ,what did she say?I feel the same sometimes.
Won’t be surprised if she laughed it off or called you MAD! I’ve informed my mom that I have no plans of marriage till I enter my 30 and to stop asking me or pushing me to it.
i literally having a discussion about this exact topic noway i thought i waa the only on that felt this way
No good African marriages? Not even younger married couples?!! Wow. I'm in one. I'm a millennial and 3 years in, it's good
I think staying at home is more to do with raising children than just cleaning and cooking.
Anyway African marriages are interesting. The fact that most of them know their husband cheat and they say ‘well it’s a mans world’ stresses me out. I would love to marry a Nigerian man but not with that mind set. Not with an entitled man who thinks I’m below him no way sorry.
😂😂😂😂. I am crying. Its so true. I am Cameroonian and its the same thing. I am scared of getting married cuz all the marriages i saw were toxic.
Welisane Enjema even now I still just look and shake my head like wow poor you oppressed and suffering
So true
Period
@@welisanerich5376 Cameroonian as well. It's really scary!
I have been thinking about this stuff recently, African parents are not equipped to parenting their kids as they get older. When we are babies or young they can easily tell us what to do but when we get older and we need them for adulting stuff they seem to not really have the capacity to help us emotionally which is very important. I could go on and on.
this is the TEAAAAA
Man that is so sad. I know what you mean when you start hitting the adult age and size you get bombarded with cliches and proverbs no real advice.
It’s so interesting because I’m African American and it’s like that in our community also. And of course we see that as much as we see people who are supported emotional all of their life. But I am one of those people who feels loved by their parents but we are learning what parenting looks like as I am now an adult.
To be fair my parents are people with their own lessons and I did want to point out that I recognize that.
Afeeyah FBM so true!
Preach!
My parents N E V E R spoke on sex and relationships. My parents' relationship was toxic from the start. They were only common law married (idk if thats a thing in the uk). They were never affectionate to each other or to us and in turn my siblings and i aren't affectionate. I find it awkward to hug them or say I love you. When I'm with my friends from university, we're like a big family and its always hugs and kisses and i love you's and it comes so naturally.
You just described my life 😮😮😮😮
@@Thestrongone844 a lot of us lived similar lives with African parents
Santa belle you’re so right. I made it a conscious effort to not bring up my kids like that. Love is sweet and beautiful it should be very easy to express especially among siblings.
I can relate
I can relate, my parents were the same way. whenever they hugged me or said I love you it was weird and I can never say it back or hug them back cause they HARDLY did that when we were young
I was around fellow Africans a lot (as I am african as well duh) and they put me off marriage tbh. My parents also had a very very toxic marriage so yeah 🤷🏾♀️ im extra careful
Can we also talk about how infidelity is very accepted in African marriages?
yesss this would be a great topic coming from an African woman!
My soon to be ex-husband is Yoruba. And while I loved and respected him more than any man in my life besides my father, we failed. During one of our arguments about his infidelity, he cautioned me against complaining about the other women’s 10% when they were smart enough to keep quiet about the 90% I received. A decade of that and more but God is good and He has more for me.
yes I may talk about that at some point soon, but some of these patriarchal nigerian princesses in the comments will say its a lie lol
Not to mention that the husband's infidelity is often blamed on the wife for not giving him what he needs.
@@teflondonna139 What he say!!!!?? That makes me want to beat the hell outta a teddy bear! Grrrrrrrrr!!!
my mum is actually an anomaly and I thank God for that! I was in year 4 and my sister was in year 3 and our mum sat us down and talked to us about sex, she had printouts and a whole book. she said verbatim 'there are no stupid questions, if you want to go know anything just ask me and I'll try to help you understand'. crazy considering how traditional and devout she was and is. and I'm also so happy to be a teen in this age where women are a lot freer to explore their sexuality and sensuality. I'm only 18 but I feel so comfortable already talking about sex and relationships!
Love your mum👏🏾
tope odude thats awesome💕
Sounds like my parents. They took the clinic approach to the sex and puberty talk. It made it less awkward and more matter of fact.
Really sad reading all the comments of toxic African marriages. We’ve got to do better and not repeat the cycle.
The African men themselves believe that’s how love should be always in their minds idk but that’s what they believe in marriage their ego and arrogance has put them behind in loving/creativity of love..
amina osman: Yes some African men do carry this mentality, but let’s not generalize and say all. There are some good African men too
My progressively American daughter sent this piece to her Ghanaian mum stuck in the old with few American tendencies. I believe that you were doing your best to be very sensitive about the topic. My daughter would have gone all out with no apologies to us and listed all that is missing from our marriages. African marriages are steeped in old customs and traditions, new evolving cultures, colonialism and Christianity. That is a recipe for confusion and lack of affection. My kids tell me I have to be an instrument of change for them, if their dad is still stuck on tradition, but I'm caught between the old and the new. I'm looking to your generation to make the change. You and my daughter need to connect on this topic. Be blessed. I believe this was my daughter's birthday present to me. 😇😇😇
Delia Agbozo aww i really liked this comment❤️
Are u ewe
kwame opoku Awww No Sir. I’m a pure bred Ga girl married to someone from Shai Hills. The last name is not theirs, their dad borrowed it and it kind of stuck. Lol
Delia Agbozo aww beautiful u dnt meet pure ga ppl in accra anymore lol either lebanese or naija
kwame opoku So true. We are a dying breed. Nice chatting with you
I loved this discussion. I’m African American but I’ve dated several Nigerian men. Can definitely agree on the lack of knowledge about sex and sexuality.
and displays of affection and emotions!
I think people should speak more about sexual abuse in African communities and in mosques.
Yes
FACTS! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Facts, women, girls and boys are raped in Mosques and everyone seems to play bird box to these issues.
And in churches.
KadijaKaramel And synagogues. Lmao
Jamaican approach : Avoid the topic but put it all over our dancehall music to add to the mystery or over glorify it
I'm glad you spoke up on this issue as marriage is glamourised in our society, but not much attention is paid to people having *healthy* marriages. It seems that the goal is to be married at any cost, and issues such as being compatible, respect, trust and fidelity come as a distant second
Sis, I like you already! This analysis is on point!!
African marriage thing starts 3:22
Thank u .... hair tutorial came first
Saw this 3 minutes too late😂
I dont think that people being reluctant to talk about sex is exclusively an "African" issue... I'm black, and live in what people call the "buckle" of the "bible belt" in America and have the opinion that religion is one of the main reasons sex is such a taboo subject... It's refreshing to hear you talk about this candidly...I was raised in a Christian household and the extent of my "sex talk" was "keep your legs closed" and "you don't have sex until you're married"... Young women are taught to suppress their sexuality and remain virtuous til our wedding night... But the moment we get married, we're supposed to be these sexually free women that are ready and able to please our husbands and ourselves after years of being beat over the head with "sex is bad talk"... Melissa Fredericks also addresses this and how it is a huge issue in the Christian community in the Love Hour podcast that she hosts with her husband, kevonstage... It's a cool conversation that I think would help a lot of women.
Natural Elation omg!! Girl you hit the nail on the head for me. This is exactly what it is for me.
I agree
It’s funny how people who ARE actually in good marriages dont feel need to pressure you to get into one. It’s always those..... well never mind 🙃
Mansah Asare 🤣🤣 always those in disastrous marriages pressuring you to marry. You’re absolutely right sis!
LMFAOOOOOOOOOOO
I was put off from marriage when I was young because of all the things I was expected to do for a husband. I never heard marry because of love and your man will treat you right, it was marry so you can cook and clean and birth kids and take care of them
Now that I'm older, I'm not crazy about getting married. I've realized that marriage really isn't as great as people try to sell it.
Even though my parents have been married forever, I never saw them express love and my mom even told me that love doesn't exist and one should pick a man based on looks, character and financial well being. Then I thought to myself, so why would I get married then? Why did she even get married?
You have been showed poor examples of marraige which is why you don't want it.
with all due respect ypur mother found her reason for gettung married rather thats a good one or not is not the for us to choose since it was her choice and marriage. now you have to find your reason and a partner that agrees!
Daisy Flower I can totally relate it this! Doesn’t help that I was the only girl out of 5 boys. Affection was never apart of our family. I’ve seen my dad physically abuse my mom while she was pregnant!
Both my parents never prepared my brothers for how they should treat their future wife’s, but for me it was clean, cook, and children.
After high school, my parent found a letter I wrote about marrying rich and being a “trophy wife”. My mom talked to me and said a no men will ever do anything for you. And honestly after that I was even more turned off about marriage. Cause what’s the point?! No affection, no romance, no support?! Might as well be independent have a peace of mind
Its the main thing that scares me about marrying into an african family
@@venden11 oh no don't be scared. There are many African men who are more modern for lack of a better term and wouldn't expect you to cook and clean etc. You just have to find the right one.
One point I don’t agree with is the whole point about African men being the breadwinners of the household... studies have shown that in a lot of African households (well over here in the Uk) the women are the main breadwinners
African women.... in East Africa are the back bone of the family. The women fend for their families. The women in rural areas do most of the agriculture.
U anti men crusade warriors we see u
This is very true, but in most cases even if she is a breadwinner, it’s not talked about and the wife is told to humble herself as not to offend her husband.
SincerelyOghosa hmm, maybe it’s because all the women in my life are strong but I’ve genuinely never experienced this
kwame opoku The truth is anti men? Bahahaa men are so fragile
My parents never spoke about relationships and sex looool. They once found condoms in my room and gave me a very very awkward talk that I quickly shut down with ‘I’m not having sex!!’ (which was the truth at the time) and when I began my period my mum literally said ‘ be careful of boys’ loooool. That’s literally all they said to me in my 21 years of age. Sighsssss
I think they expect us to figure it out on our own. That's probably how they were raised as well. All we got growing up was "you better not come home pregnant." I'm sure their parents never gave them any talks. I learned through school, friends, and the internet. I'm still learning.
Same when I started snd if I miss my period my mum would be like " have you been with a boy?" LMAO
Exactly😂😂👏🏽👏🏽
The Baddest Right. Aint like she got a peen
The Baddest lmaoo tf? So can women not be safe anymore ?
I think the marriage dynamics in the Caribbean are a little different.. more relaxed I would say..and more expressive particularly in public.. I’m dating a Ghanaian and when I visited Ghana he told me I would have to tone down on the public expression ie: holding hands while walking, hugging etc.. coz it’s not a thing ppl do... which I thought was fine since we aren’t yet married but from observing other married couples your right they do not really show any outward expression of love.. which I feel they should.. what’s he point of getting married if you can’t now show your love proudly in public..
Well I guess is strange to you because you're not use to it. I'm from Morocco and you can hug, hold hands, etc. But for example kissing on the mouth in public is not very well seen. I live in Europe and when I see people making out with someone in public I'm like "wow chill" hahahahaha. If you go to Asia you'll find a similar kind of mindset. So yeah...🤷🏽♀️
I am Nigerian-American, my parents don’t hug or hold hands. I don’t really like public displays of affection either. Prob because of them though and I’m not used to seeing it.
C B Because that’s not how we do it in Africa. Tbh I would also feel strange if I saw some couple kissing each other in public.
I'm from the UK,,, we don't go french kissing in street it's discusting 😂 ,, but people do hold hangs ect I think it's crazy not to show love publicly. Xx
In the US as far as kissing anything more than a quick kiss on the lips gets "Get a room." Mumbled or spoken loudly toward the offending couple. Some things should be private.
I think most of them see marriage as an act of service, being that families are involved in their marriages. Especially when their parents hook them up. They feel like they're doing their family a service, if they don't live up to their expectations, they'll be looked down upon.
I was lucky to witness an African couple holding hands a few weeks ago but it is rare to see.
Maggie F hahahah.. you hilarious
Lucky you 🤣
Maggie F 😂😂😂😂😂 my fiancé and I do hold hands.
It’s not a slanderous to critique something. Especially marriage as for the most part it’s actually a long term commitment.
yes thats so true-I never thought of it that way!
SincerelyOghosa yeah I’m only trying do it once
I feel like im the only guy here but wat baffles me in african marriages i see no emotion from the men i dnt see them tear up or ask for help they just keep working n working and I feel all that will lead to stress den suicide
Correction I'll lead to depression and abuse, remember religion is strongly rooted in lots of African household and suicide is a sin.
I know a lot of African couples who are REALLY unhappy with their marriages but refuses to leave because of the kids or just the feeling of insecurity, guilt or shame and brainwashing. My mom left when I was 7 as she could no longer deal with the fact she was the second wife and along with other struggles she couldn't fix. Speaking of affection... It' practically non-existence in many African communities. The first time I hugged my mom and older sister the thought there was something wrong with me lol. But when you see an African man or women dating outside of the African cultures.. there is another side of them that is accepting to thses changes. I just think this has to do with our culture that if you show affection it means you weak. Anyways very nice and touchy topic.
I'm sorry you had such an experience. I grew up in a very affectionate family. My dad, in particular was very soft with his children. My mom was stricter but I never doubted her love. Experiences vary.
What I heard apparently if couples show off their marriage and their happiness in public. They believe that someone might curse their relationship and ruin.
My parents are not affectionate at all. However, I believe my mothers are trying to change this cycle as she gets educated because I notice her hugging and giving kisses to my little siblings every day after school. She has given me a hug but I find it so weird I just find it weird to hug anyone.
Can u talk about how to not compare urself to others
Yes! Good idea! Thank you !
SincerelyOghosa i cant wait, love u so much🥰
Especially when your parents compare to others notably siblings and cousins
I'm Africa American and this hit home for me as well! I was just discussing with a friend how I never seen affection
And just genuine love in the black community around me. It's the very reason why I'm screwed trying to show love because I dont know how
I cannot believe how true this is.
Also can someone explain the reason why many African women I have met have told me their husband lives in a Africa while they live in the UK with the kids and they say this like it’s completely normal? Maybe I don’t understand it but what is that about?
Same thing goes for parents in one country with some children, while others remain in Nigeria. Dysfunctional disjointed families, that believe as long as there is a father and mother in the home that is all that it takes to form a cohesive family entity that is acceptable by Nigerian cultural standards..sigh
jerina Star I understand having a business.. but I do think a man and his wife should not be living in separate countries for long periods of time.. I know the husband may mean well but the kids will always grow up and say my Dad wasn’t around and it doesn’t help strengthen the marriage bond.. and tbh I have heard horror stories where the guy keeps a girlfriend back in Africa..
Sometimes it’s because they want their kids to be born and raised outside of Africa so the wife and kids come to settle down abroad get their visas and eventually the husband will come over on his family’s visa... the husband will stay in Africa to fund his family while they’re abroad their visa applications because it’s hella expensive
@@CB-123 I understand your point. I saw one aunty it happened to her which her husband cheated on her. Seriously if im a wife I wont allow a dysfunctional amily. I understand business and all that but it is children that suffer from it so everyone live their life but theres a consequences on whatever decision you take.
@@sayo_xo8569 Gbam. Correct answer in reality. In addition they tend to have a higher standard of living because the husband is more likely to make more money in Africa thus supplementing wife's income substantially or enough for her to be a full time homemaker.
Watching Oghosa’s videos brings me so much joy it’s like my safe place from all the stress I go through ❤️❤️
wow this is beautiful. Thanks so much for watching!
This is such a balanced overview of African marriage 👏🏾 and the idea of studying colonial affects on African romance is an amazing idea ::whispers PhD (Lol how African of me 😉)::
I’m too overwhelmed with thoughts so I’m just going to cheer you on and say please do more of these 💕
awww thank you sooooo much for the support Nwadi!!!
I read the title and subscribed instantly. You better preach!
We're finally having this talk!! You won my heart
Most older generation African men don’t really have sex for the woman’s gratification, just their own, and women are taught that enjoying sex is a sin so they endure not enjoy it for most of their married life. Most African women in African marriages have never climaxed because they have sex on the mans account and don’t figure out what they like and how they want to make love. Sex is super important in relationships and I think it’s ignored in the African community, not because of church or godliness but just poor cultural customs
You are so RIGHT. The problem is not with the African Parents towards their children but within the Parents. I mean, it's so hard to see husband and wife show love in the public or inside their home. To spread love to their kids, it must start with the PARENTS. This is why most African children tend not to have feelings for each other, I mean, brotherly feelings. This is really so sad because despite so many Africans in diaspora, we still practice this...... Showing LOVE is just the best and sharing it with our loved and children is the uttermost.........
Your vid came up in my news feed. This is one of those videos that I didn't realize that I NEEDED. Good video looking forward to watching more of yours.
Im new here and I’m totally stuck on watching. from your name I can tell we’re from the same tribe. I grew up in Nigeria and I totally relate to everything you have said. However as a young girl I always admired the way love and freedom to express love was displayed in foreign movies . I hope to raise my kids not the way I was raised. God help me 😊. Thanks for sharing.
NosagirlTV beautiful dp💕
There is this weird obsession with girls being virgins before marriage, it's disgusting. And a lot of Africans have such a hard time showing affection to their spouses which makes it worse for the kids.
Preach preach my sister 👏🏾 the worst thing is when a girl have a child without getting married, she’s looked like a piece of trash and irresponsible 🤧😭
@@NorahslifeShowGodfidencenorah exactly while men can have many baby mamas and still get respect from people smh its sad
I might need security that’s the society we live in girl
But Africans will never hold the same standards to a man. How come man can’t be virgins only the women?? As well, I 100% agree with Africans not showing affection towards one another. I’ve seen couples who hide their relationships until their engagement. Nobody knew they were together until they decide to marry. Mscheww.... it can NEVA be me oooooo lol
@@kind2423 exactly it's so sad how there is a huge double standard amongst Africans. My brothers for instance were praised for having sexual partners (because my parents were afraid of having a gay son) but for me it was and still is a must to be a virgin. Its sick. I've noticed that even when it comes to house work they hold women to do it more than men. Men end up not being able to take care of themselves and complacent in their own way. It's sad all around.
Ok I'm AA/Black American happily married 27yrs. Sex is an expression of love which reinforces the bonds of marriage. If you can't talk freely with your spouse, you're going to also find it difficult to freely express yourself in the marriage bed and try new things. Beyond sex there is not a day that goes by that my husband and I don't make each other laugh. Your spouse is also your best friend to be silly with as well as serious.
SERVING LONI LOVE REALNESS IN THE THUMBNAIL💚
Thanks for keeping it real, you are one the Africans that I've seen that just tells the truth as it is about everything, we Africans need more people like you♥️
A lot of household are detached. They live together but not emotionally connected. Wale’s interview was touching. Mindset definitely need to change. Sex in Nigerian householders is not always openly discussed. Not sure I want churches to teach people about sex lol they are not equipped to cover every aspects but need to be careful saying sex is bad so much because within marriage it is beautiful I suppose. Love not fear.
We need more !! You’re speaking facts!!!!!
colonialism and romance, hmm very interesting!
they definitely taught us their misogynistic gender roles
I love these kind of topics and i love the fact that you are using this platform to open up dialogue on such conversations... we cant keep pretending it doesn't happen in most of our homes and this topic to me didn't come off offensive at all nor did it come off like every aspect of African Marriages are bad, it really just helped in letting me know as a young African woman that my modern ideas, wants and perceptions of love aren't radical and unrealistic.
A word
I'm Ghanaian. Definitely, think my parents relationship was definitely acts of service. Which didn't suit one of my parents natural love language, which was to be more affectionate.
Now they've divorced and with their partners, luckily they've learnt and are with partners that suit them and are more affectionate. I see that with my mum.
For me personally, I wasn't sold on marriage as I was like rah is this what I have to look forward too. I've never seen my parents hold hands, hug etc. I'm extremely affectionate..I only saw that from my white friends and sometimes Asian friends families. I think it has alot to do with what they saw..the older generation love is by working together not showing emotion.
I'm super glad our generation our talking about marriages, toxicity, sexuality as these things need to be discussed.
Right when you said colonialism I was thinking about it too. How does it play a role into how we perceive religion?
There has got to be some impact from colonialism...we’d have to look at romance pre colonialism too to see the differences.
This happens in the diaspora too, I see the same happening in the Caribbean where we are decedents of Africans.
This video was EVERYTHING
This is not only an african thing-it’s a broader phenomenon. I’m of Jamaican descent and I’ve observed this. Maybe it’s a generational thing. Thinking post-colonial love in Africa and in the Caribbean wasn’t as romantic as we see it today. Some older folks are set in their ways. Some are unlearning and re-learning better ways of doing love and marriage.
Malika Jones sooo Jamaicans are from?
Liz Busta Jamaicans are from Jamaica. Not all are in touch with their African roots. Yes, 400 years many came from parts of Africa. There are many similarities for sure. The culture isn’t identical though.
It stems from ur original roots of Africa.
Looking gorgeous!
I liked this video xx
Thanks so so much love!
I have missed watching your videos welcome back to me. CZcams doesn't alert me to your vids any more. Luv the content, have always appreciated your transparency.
So random but while I watched this video it brought up thoughts about the KSI family rap battle video (particularly the mum's and dad's lyrics - very wild).
Beautiful makeup look as always.
thanks chika! I haven't watched it you know lol. What was said?
I think that the whole financially focused expression of love in the African community may stem from the idea that many of our parents an forefathers came from very little. So to provide is a big deal. But its also about understanding that not everyone is wired t think that way and there is very little effort for African couples as a whole to be emotionally curious and very little effort to understand and connect on a deeper level. The narrative seems to be that " this is what I experienced and this is all that I know, therefore everything else is nonsense". Like Christ, we need to meet people where they are at, two way understanding.
Oh so timely, my mum and I were just discussing this at length last night
Love the video! I just want to say that although a couple hasn't divorced it doesn't mean they haven't given up. If one or both have checked out, in my opinion they have certainly given up but can't live in their truth/file for divorce for whatever reason(s). Thank you for your thoughts!
T.H.I.S. I've had this conversation with so many people over the years. In Nigeria, Christians are the quickest to point out how the Bible says God hates divorce (meaning a legal dissolution of marriage) whenever a woman wants to leave a marriage for whatever reason. I always tell them to go back and read not just the particular verse of scripture they love to cite, but the entire chapter for context. My point - a couple can be divorced and sleeping on the same bed every single night; and that's the divorce that particular scripture they love actually refers to. It's not after a person is served papers that a divorce is set in motion. The real divorce happens waaay before, when one or both parties checks out; and not necessarily physically but emotionally and psychologically.
'really hard to do a cut crease and form intellectual arguments' LOOL we stan xx
Your talk is right on
appreciate this video!
I’m East African I couldn’t agree more this explained my life never seeing anyone of my families showing affection towards their partners or kids
OMG. This is so true. Often we don't know what we can tolerate and what we need when we get married. I have BPD/EUPD and my loving style is really all of the love languages. If I don't get all and can't give all the relationship turns toxic. My ex husband ended up abusing me. Maybe he did because he viewed act of service more important than every thing else including honesty. He couldn't tolerate my illness and I couldn't tolerate that he struggle to show any form of love apart from acts of service and he was controlling. My Dad is an alcoholic but my mother can tolerate it. I can't. I'm from Caribbean heritage but this toxic relationship happens in all cultures and ethnicities. I've seen it in white British and white Caribbean families too where a parent has cheated on another parent, or a divorce that wasn't amicable or a parent who was incapable of showing any love language but acts of service. Trust and believe there are LEVELS to dysfunction. I'm waiting for therapy and I go to a support group. It's the only way to unravel it all.
Wow thank you so much for your openness! Hmm yes way we love others should not be based on how we want to be love, otherwise, it is selfish and self-serving at best and too many people do this unfortunately.
I had a close older relative of mine tell me that before she got married older women explained how she should never deny her husband sex or turn her back to him in bed when sleeping. I was saddened and disgusted
I love your hair and make up.😍
I can vouch for those straighteners I’ve had mine for SEVEN YEARS
You have a interesting take on African marriages, but at the same time I think one should be careful not to generalize, because that's when you almost say all Europeans are sexually liberated, when it's not the case. As toxic my parents' marriage was, they still showed affection towards each other in front of us kids. It always endeared me to see them dance, kiss, hold hands in front of us. In my marriage to my Zimbabwean husband we show affection to each other in public and private, because we had our parents as examples. I'm Congolese, and in the Congolese community we are not afraid to show affection. I grew up in the diaspora, in Europe, and I see different African nationalities show affection. The previous generation of African parents may not French kiss on the bus, but affection is shown in different small ways. I didn't get the sex talk from my parents. For that I had my aunts, school and TV. Remember having to change the channel when a sex scene came on TV? But that's not just the case for African parents, but for every traditional, conservative household.
Yeah I don't believe she's generalizing however I believe she's noting a common cultural standard. Everyone's not practicing these customs but many are.
I watched a video with young Asian people from different places and many of them said the same thing. Their parent don’t really show affection. To them nor their within their marriage.
Ok, so when are you going to write the book? I really enjoyed this video.
The hair is lovely
this topic totally resonates with my Yoruba Deeper Life raised sef, girl!
It's like I'm being attacked!!! How do you know my life? *says semi-sarcastically*
Thank you sis
My parents were pretty strict but they love us, they expressed their love and provided for us too. Both my parents worked. We contribute our views and it heard.
So it very difficult to understand what you say and I don't think you should generalize it.
I am currently married. We talk about new ways to improve our sexual skills. I don't know what church you attend but during our pre marriage counselling we had a week sessions on sex. Full on details. My man and i had separate sessions and some together
The truth most marriages failure is as a result of Sex and Money not just African/Nigerian marriages. My dad sents flowers to mum at work randomly. My dad's make dinner for me so my husband doesn't have any excuse not to same.
@sincerelyoghosa
this eye makeup is FIYYYYAAAHHHHHH YASSSSSS
African marriages r no good example when it comes to your own view of marriage but when it comes to raising children l believe they r the best at raising children who want to achieve and progress in life all other things can be learnt somewhere else as u feel like u need or u want. I love my marriage as a whole my children r the best and my hus is the best friend ever anyone would want him.
Hey sis, this is a great topic and vid, my first time seeing your channel.
Can i ask if your counsellor is an african woman? Im looking for one currently for personal devlopment, and a lingering thought for me was what if my counsellor had this typical african mentality if that makes sense?
African American point if view. Marriage is constant work. A way to break the curse if unhealthy toxic marriage is to raise your children differently.(Older African American couples fit this discrimination too) Nothing can defile the marriage bed- tgats in the Bible. The stronger the emotional bond the better time in the bedroom. Bedroom must be safe space and no judgement. Clear communication is key. Also get books (how to) and read them together. Affection raise your children with more affection when you have them. even though this is disturbing the solution is to just do differently when you have your own family.
Do you usually wear your blush that low? Tyfs.
What is the brown you put over your eyebrow gel (concealer, eyeshadow)?
Video starts at 6:00
You have to earn your love and everything else , that is what I was taught lol
If this ain't the truth!
Similiar in a Caribbean christian home.
I’m American Christian and we have the same problems
Am Kenyan,and I've realized no matter where one comes from we ALL have the same issues because at the end of the day we're all human
This is my first time on the channel, I honestly thought you were Loni Love from the thumbnail picture.
ThickNCurly1 Lmao. Except Loni is huge and this woman is very slim
Lol she could be loni's daughter Lmfaooo 😂😂😂😂😂😂😭😭😭💀💀💀
Caribbean’s too sis !!
As a black American, from my experience after the technical sex talk if anything else is mentioned it's usually communication. Most of the white people I know get the same answers. We are taught communicate, don't withhold sex out of anger, if you don't do it they will get it somewhere else. You have to learn to please each other, sexual seduction and foreplay start outside the bedroom. Acts of service show caring.
This is interesting, I’m African American and we are super affectionate and sexuality is huge in the western culture. Hmm, I’m learning a lot rn. So the “love language” depend on ethnicity, interracial relationship vs non interracial???
Keep on keep
This video is very interesting & a blessing but its quite obvious we are in the end times so its just best to get real close to Him & repent
Marriage & such will not be as important...
Stay Blessed
Hope to see you someday
What was that blush you shared?
Black parents (American) have the same Act Of Service reply.
Can't relate my mother divorced many times 😁
Abi
who is your therapist please?
A lot of parents just couldn't give what they didn't have. It's true that many things about our cultures are toxic. Some churches don't help. The misinterpretation of submission has harmed so many people. Your therapist is right. Don't perpetuate the harmful things.
Re colonialism and romance, I think romance novels and Hollywood brought in unreachable standards. Historically, African cultures were usually deliberate about preparing young men and women for marriage. Discussing sex was part of that preparation. These arrangements broke down with the advent of colonialism and conservative religion.
I think more churches are beginning to recognise this problem now. The Bible has things to say about sex within marriage.
This talk sheds light on some of the issues younger generations have to tackle in relationships and marriage.