BEING THE FIRST AFRICAN DAUGHTER..THE TOXICITY!|Sincerely Oghosa
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- čas přidán 9. 09. 2024
- First african daughter syndrome...whew! Let's get into t ya'll! Welcome to my channel sincerely oghosa! I discuss all topics as a nigerian blogger living in the UK. After talking to other women I can see this is an issue that affects most african first born daughters. Let's unpack!
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Hey guys! I’ve wanted to film this for a really long time! In this video I’m addressing the toxicity of being a first born African daughter. The resources I mentioned are in the description box! Follow me on IG & Twitter: @SincerelyOghosa
you all probably dont care but does someone know a method to log back into an instagram account?
I somehow lost my password. I would love any tricks you can offer me!
I just discovered this video. It is an eye 👀 opener for me.
Thank you
“The first daughter becomes the 3rd parent”. I just heard my name
Yes exactly 💯 I was the 3rd parent and housemaid. Until i left at 18 and never went back.
@@shanice8351 in my case my dad wasn’t around so I became the husband. I paid all the bills, did all the shopping did all the cooking and most of the cleaning. I too am a single mother myself and business owner so I was STRETCHED with responsibilities. My mum just expected A LOT from me and nothing from my younger sibling. They said being a single mum is the hardest job in the world, it isn’t... being my mums husband is the hardest job in the world. I couldn’t believe how much I was tolerating until one day it hit me. I have since moved out and been happily divorced since 😂😂😂
👏👏👏
@@psat21 very common experience. There’s so many levels going into why this happened. Heart goes out to you and happy for you to have gotten out!!
@@psat21 I’m proud of you I totally understand what you’re saying. A Cinderella story
Being seen as the third parent. 🙄🙄🙄🙄. I’m sorry you said “no sex before marriage” so these ain’t my children. The way I shut my dad down when he said I’m like a second mum to my siblings. I had to remind him I’m their sister not their mother. Like bye sis, I’m still a child myself.
whew if this AIN'T the truth!!
Say it louder for the people at the back !!!
Fatima.O you gotta remind your parents in a respectful manner, that you appreciate what they are doing and you know it’s not easy but at the same time, you are still their child and not your siblings third parent. And also, as a child you’re still learning the ways of the world and it’s literally unfair on you regardless to bare that burden of raising a child that isn’t yours.
Girl I know. My parents were on me because I don't check on my sisters. Like it's not my job. Who checks on me? When I told them they dont check on me, they said I'm the first child it's my job. Like bruh 🙄
Daisy Flower don’t do it. It’s not your job they’ll learn
THE VISITORS
You didn't even come to see me, but now i have to cancel plans, make you tea, bring you snacks, watch your kids and put a meal together??
Santa Belle I keep trying to explain to my mom that if I go down and greet I’m going to be down there for hours just staring like I got shit to do
This just happened to me and l am like naaaa can't do this no more.
@@enditawanjiru6736 I felt that way too and when there was a big family party at parents house. 18yr old me had enough and moved out that day. Its been 2yrs i never went back and I never intend to 😂
I can definitely relate to this, living in a household where both of my parents are narcissistic. I am the only empath amongst my siblings and have absorbed much of their negative emotions. Until this past year, when I finally decided to establish firm boundaries. Which was seen as disrespectful to my parents but honestly, I don’t really care anymore, because my personal value, emotional, and mental health comes first. This video was great and served as further confirmation for me. ☺️
Wow I can relate about being the only empath having to deal with my siblings negative attitudes it’s so annoying and upsetting and it really has affected my mental health which was already bad for other reasons.
Sochi Dala Sorry to hear you’re going through that too. Prayer, counseling, and therapy definitely helps if you haven’t considered it yet. Hoping the best for you. 💖
Confidently Crystal thank you I already have therapy sessions but it’s still hard when your mother doesn’t care about your bad mental health and your dad can only understand a bit.
we are living the same life
Seems Narcissism is common in African households
I bluntly refused the role of the third parent. I’m only 23 years old. Figuring my life out I don’t want to xtra burden. And I love my siblings, they know who their mom is and it’s not me. 😂
At 26 I’m trying to learn how to be less available and not feeling bad for living my life
SAME I'm 24 and creating myself really strong boundaries.
Girl. I just started at 35. Don’t be like me. Go hard for YOU
I get you. Me too. I dont want to be a People pleaser.
I suggest looking nice and having a day to yourself where you eat in a nice restaurant, go to a museum or book a pottery class. Something along those likes* Turn ya notifications off too, throw away the receipts if you feel guilty about spending money on yourself . It takes time but you will feel happier living life without feeling conjoined to other people’s feelings/emotions. Good luck x
Wow ! Accurate af !
I'm 27 realising year after year the drama growing up in am African household. My childhood is one a a kind. Doing food shopping at 10 years old for the all can carrying a huge trolley bigger than myself back at home, cleaning the house like the president was coming the next day, etc. MAD !!!!
God is a healer. I'm getting through it
May God continue to heal you and he also strengthen you. Everything is going to be ok
I’m honestly so sorry you had to experience that at a young age , but remember there are people all over the world experiencing that only a few make it out, some people even go crazy from the experience, but I definitely believe if you stay calm and do what your parents say god will bless you.
Oh God!🤦🏾♀️
i lost so much of my childhood/teen years to being stuck at home raising my younger siblings. i feel like its almost made me resent them, they get to actually experience being a child, something I lost the minute they were born. And I know its not their fault, it just really sucks being the only daughter and always treated like 2nd mother and house keeper.
Been a second mom to my little siblings but had Guyanese parents. My upraising sounds pretty similar to African upbringing. I also had a single mom and faced financial struggles. The toxicity was on and off though as my mom wasn’t home as much and I actually much enjoyed being a little mom, I guess because I did it with my other sister and had that support. I do believe if I was in a more toxic environment it would have been a lot harder so im sorry to hear that so many Africans experience this.
I’m a first daughter and second child but my parents want me to act like I’m my siblings mother ( I have a brother who’s 5 years older than me but he doesn’t do anything) I used to like baking as a hobby but then my mom started forcing it on me and saying all girls have to like cooking and all girls have to like cleaning or they won’t get a husband and I just lost any interest in it
Felt this in my soul, beside the brother part but I use to like cooking until my mova got involved Nd told me those things , & then when I cook with her & make mistakes it’s comes with yelling & slaps and I just lost interest it in 🤷🏿♀️
Wow,
I’m the same, I used to love cooking and baking, and cleaning, like I just loved doing it, until my mum started forcing it on me, and now I dislike it now. I was punished, yelled for not doing it. I just lost interest.
I look back, and I’m shocked, I’m like.......what happened.
She trying to control and be involved, trying to shape me into what she thinks is right, made me turn away from it further.
My
Mental health is not so great.
I feel like it’s starting for my academics.
first girl here...aka assistant parent...HATED IT ...now i just ghost the whole fam...i cannot come an kill myself
I think this is our weakness as black people. We possess alot of war experiences, emotional unintelligence as 80s and 90s babies, that's we have alot of black people with mental illness and blame it on spiritual attacks. It's a vicious cycle. These are issues that Iyanla is good at tackling.
Nigerian I love you is, "have you eaten". Typically like you said love is practical rather then touchy feely. I feel you reach a certain level of adultness when you realise that your parents are just people.
my mum never asks me if i have eaten but always asks me “has your dad eaten”, like what?
I'm a gen z, first daughter and eldest child to Nigerian immigrants. I think by my parents staying in the UK for so long, they've slowly adapted to the 'emotional availability' that we see prevalent in the western society. Years ago, I could never talk to my mum about boys, relationships, contraceptions etc. but by watching Love Island together, we've kind of bonded a bit more and we talked a lot of signs of an abusive relationship (after the whole Michael situation), discussing about contraceptive and just having an adult conversation as a whole really (I'm 20 lol).
And then they wonder why we don’t want children😐
I’m scared of being like my mom
May the world take time to understand us siz.😂
Such an interesting perspective. I used to tell myself in my 20s that I don't want kids. I'm almost 40 with no kids and I wonder if it's because of what I've been thru
@@Cheptabgaa YOU HAVE RAISED YOUR CHILDREN UNKNOWINGLY
THIS!!!! As an African 1st daughter, this spoke to me A LOT. Given that at one point in my parents marriage I was an emotional offload point when things were very toxic between them and often had to hide things from one parent to the other, and still bear the responsibility of making sure my siblings were ok, I could definitely relate. And yes boundaries, I have none lol or I really struggle with them, which never really occured to me before watching this video. Thank you Oghosa, really helped me with some self reflection ❤
When I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I did not want a girl because I did not want her to experience what I experienced. I ended up having a baby girl. It feels like a battle I face in my head trying to deal with my own trauma whilst ensuring I dont pass it on to her. I find i am very critical of myself because nothing u do is ever as good as your mom wants it to me. So I struggle with belittling myself. Sometimes i wonder if I enjoy making myself seem small and inferior. Funny enough people who know me think i am very confident. Jesus Heals
Don’t be so harsh on yourself I’m sure you’re doing just fine. It takes a lot of courage to try and break the cycle of generational trauma and as a person who was raised by dysfunctional people who didn’t try, I admire you for that. Your daughter is one lucky little girl to have you as her mum. Wishing all the best to the two of you xxx
I'm a second daughter, but close in age to the first daughter. My sister mirrored my mother so closely (including emotional unavailability) that i drew away from them both. I'm closest with my twin brother, but i couldn't rely on him emotionally. I tend to internalize a lot and have become very introverted and independent as a result.
Luckily, gender roles weren't as heavily enforced in our house. True that my brother didn't have to cook or clean as much, but he was given some domestic responsibilities, and i had some freedom while my cousin (only daughter) was worked to the bone domestically and constantly given the "because you're a girl" speech while her brothers did nothing.
I’m a firstborn Togolese daughter and I really benefitted from being away from my family for the past almost 6 years. My fam is definition Toxic phew but therapy while at school helped, haven’t had access to it recently cuz I graduated and am broke but I’m trying to find new ways of coping.
Congratulations on your graduation and may God strengthen and guide you in all aspects. Especially that you have stated. Everything will be ok.
Lina Jose thank you, same to you!
I applaud you for taking that step toward your mental health my dear Togolese sister. I am not a first daughter but like you I have and continue to shoulder so much responsibilities that I am at my breaking point. I started therapy and counseling to deal with the lasting trauma but stopped as well. I pray many in our Togolese community seek help and break the cycle, and I plan on doing so before the Good Lord grants me any children.🙏🏿
Whew chile! I’m an only child in an African household and for me it’s more about the pressure and expectations all on one person which I found quite unrealistic. Loved the video btw 🙈
its so unrealistic. Thanks so much for watching. hoping for better for the girls who come after us.
Haha my name is Chile. Why do people keep saying that?
Princess May oh swear lol I say that a lot! how do you pronounce ur name babes???
SincerelyOghosa Here’s to hoping 😫 personally I hope my expectations on my future babies will not be unrealistic x
You hit the nail in the head when it comes to emotional support. As a first daughter the emotional support was never reciprocated and I literally could not function. I thank god everyday for therapy🙏🏾
So accurate Sis!!!! Sad reality of a Ghanaian firstborn in her thirties. It gets to a place where you just need your own space. Thanks for sharing this, I'm sure a lot of firstborns can relate x
thanks sweetie!
Ssssoooo how can we create a support group for Nigerians, Haitians, Jamaicans, etc?!!!! Bc I’m Haitian and I can most deff relate!!
I really REALLY just thought this was an african thing. Damn
@@SincerelyOghosa ohhh noooo this is literally all black cultures black Africans, black Caribbeans and black Americans this also is in other cultures that are extremely traditional cultures as well smh 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯❕❗❗❗❕
It's a present in Afro Americans as well. I'm living it. Especially if you grew up in a single parent home.
Imagine how tired we feel, black women are the most unprotected, most uncared for, then your mother equally adding to that stress 🙄
SincerelyOghosa, myWife is the eldest of six and you explained her situation well. You have opened my eyes to her experience and reality with her family. Many thanks!
you're welcome!!
Saw the title and got so triggered😂 havent watched yet but im excited to watch!
I love your videos ! Specially about first African daughter because it's so accurate. I Feel like you are exactly talking about my life and It's very hard.
"Boys are loved ... Girls are educated "
I think it’s easier to accept your parents toxic behavior when you aren’t living with them. However if you still live in an toxic environment it’s hard to be ok with such behaviors.
You are super real, super honest and for that I will always be a subscriber to your channel. You talk about REAL SHIT that affects us African children of the diaspora! Being the first born African girl being the house girl and seeing the difference in the parenting of my younger sibling actually has created resentment. We don’t have a emotional space to vent to the humans that brought us here and that is terrible. But we have identified this and will change the narrative/break the generational curse(cycle) to our children! I appreciate you Sincerely keep being your true self on this platform!
Bruh! I hollered YAAAASSSS when I read the title!! I literally never stopped hearing that growing up and I’m the 4th born of 3 older bros. I reached a point I proclaimed “I’m not captain save a hoe”, so miss me with that nonsense.
I’m East African, girl I grew up in the quintessential *toxic* household. It took me 5 years to overcome a large portion of ish. I’m glad I’ve developed mechanisms to pretty much self-parent on every single level. It’s a daily type of conscious experience.
EXAAACTLY!!! I was tired of being the housemaid and the 3rd parent. I was close to my limit and thinking of living. I was 18 and it was my mothers 40th birthday party. I realised I didn't want to be here, I had better things to do and there was no love bond between us. I was basically just a caterer to her party. When no-one was looking I left, I moved out and haven't seen her in years.
Can First Caribbean Daughters also be in this space, cause... Same 😞...
Oh really??? I had no idea!
@@SincerelyOghosa You basically described my entire life. Especially about being an empath and basically being an emotional dumping ground for everyone. I wasn't just the first daughter for my nuclear family unit, I was also the first of the cousins in my immediate family. As you can imagine, tons of fun!
It may be a culture in Nigeria, but I generally think every family is different black or white, my friends and I are very free to express how we feel, and we grew up in a loveyduvy family, I am Caribbean(st Lucian), one is African (Kenyan/Ugandan), and the other Indian; and my last friend on the other hand who is white (English), couldn’t express emotions in his household. It depends on the parents not the country in my opinion.
@@ShanaSephora I agree that how you turn out varies from household to household, parenting style is definitely different and plays a huge part in how you develop on all levels. I'm a late 80s baby, most of my friends and I grew up in more strict, rule by iron fist type homes. If that wasn't your portion, God bless!
@@sandy587 haha fair enough, I am a 90s baby so you’re probably right, God Bless!
This is soooo good Oghosa! Such a mature way to summarise the issues we have to deal with as first African daughters. What really hit the nail on the head for me is where you talk about how if you don’t process trauma, you remain there. I’m going through therapy now and this resonates with me. This is such an important conversation, thank you for this!
Wow you really hit the nail on this topic im the oldest and girl i was the 2nd mom technically and the bank 😩😩
Yes yes yes
The pressure is real ....you are expected to be everything for everyone ...your money can even be spent before it's there
Almost 8 months later and this video is still so relevant l. Had to come back and re-watch this. Currently experiencing this syndrome. God bless you for this! ❤️🥺
Everything you said is so true. Im a FAD also and im a huge empath. I internalize other people's issues and I have no outlet for mine. I've also learned to be emotionally available too and it's really affecting my life now. I've been considering seeing a psychologist for a while now.
I consider myself introverted and a positive is that I'm independent and can take care of myself but on the flip side my sisters only contact me when they need money. It's so sad
I totally relate. As an African woman born and raised in the UK.
I swear this video is my life, I’ve never related to a video more in my life. Love your content girl xx
Ritta164 M aww thank you Ritta!
When you spoke about the visitors!!! Now all my time is taken up entertaining my parents' guests 🙄🙄 I'm also a first daughter and there is a 10 year age gap between me and my brother!
I’m starting to be the change, and set boundaries, It’s takes courage, but it’s worth it.
As a highly sensitive and
Empath, it’s possible to set boundaries.
You may recieve guilt trips, backlash. But help going. I believe in you. You will be the change.
I’m all the way here for this one - speak on it 🗣🗣🗣🗣
Whew this is an issue for so many of us from the african continent 😢😢 you spoke my life! The end.
Isha Webber thanks sooo much Isha!!!
Is this a black thing? I'm not from Africa but I relate.
Yes it is. Alot of Afro-Caribbeans and African Americans can relate aswell
We have to understand that this shift in white society is also recent. White parenting practices were strict and authoritarian and only really changed in the 1950's with gen x. That generation was college educated, and many become more open to the idea of children as autonomous beings with emotional needs.
I’m two years late, but I’m here and over the fact that I am the oldest daughter😒.
If I could like this multiple times, this was so loud!
I needed this video yesterday like they reject my emotions and just bc I am the oldest I need to look after my siblings but they aren’t my children like I need my own time
Congratz on not having any dislikes. Loved your videos on *Nigerian truths* since *African parents on Halloween* 😙
Watching this for my older sister
Damn same😭😭
Wow! This is an eye opener.
thanks for watching sis!!
Don’t need to blame but wrong is wrong. This behavior should not a normal, it’s not even parenting when your parent are pure cold. Calling it just a culture difference don’t make sense. Communication is just one, but parent goes beyond providing for your kids beside needs. If culture and tradition are wick then provoke change don’t say oh it culture….. Nonsense.
💯
I couldn’t agree more
💯
Whew, how many times was my named called in this video. The emotional offloading from mom... 😭 I'm lucky to have a good bond with her but when I tell y'all I get TIRED sometimes! I swear people do not understand the mental toll of being the 3rd parent in an African household, they think I'm being dramatic 🙄
so happy my parents are west indian- that sounds really tough 🥲
Jamaican here! I’m definitely the parent in my house when I mean parent
Cooking, cleaning everything when they disrespectful there I go
I’m only 20
Wow. I hope you get to live your life.
On top of that we still have our own crazy hectic life to deal with😓
I love Chinuea Achebe things Fall Apart...in Americam school we had to ready that book for tests and writing papers! My favorite book in high school!!
I'm here because I'm the eldest daughter of German immigrants and they and their parents were all really harsh on their kids. I think it's a way for them to make us tough so we survive the world, or at least they think. My mother is a bit softer but while she has love for my siblings, she has disliked me and I do believe it's because I'm the eldest daughter, who was suppose to be a boy in both my parents eyes, who became the other woman and incurred jealousy from my mother while being perceived as not good enough to my dad. Now I am living with them again because of covid and increasing cost of living, and while I can deal with my father's ignoring me, my mother seems to have a silent hatred for me that's really effecting my spirit. I appreciate their welcoming of me and I contribute to the house and work a lot, but my mother has nothing going on in her life no friends or career or outside hobbies, and seems to get stuck in her emotions about our failing relationship, while outwardly pretending to be a good mother and pretend we have a fairytale family. There is no asking about my life, how am I, how is my boyfriend doing in chemo, etc. When I ask I get a Disneyland fake defensive "I'm fine, why?" response. My job as a councilor demands that I give and give to people, and while I love it I feel I wouldn't have any ground to stand on if it weren't for God and my relationship with Christ. I hate to have to write my mom off emotionally but I can't be dragged down by her and attempts to bring her into my life and lift her up are met with animosity. It's even a contentious issue when I clean the house because, although she doesn't clean much she resents it when I do.
Thank you for your video, it's the most straight forward info I've found on this subject. Once again, as with your wonderful Christian preachers, Nigeria comes through.
Thanks for normalising these experiences. We are not alone. We have been through something real. Is there like Nigerian Parents Anonymous?! 😩😹 Honestly it’s about understanding what happened and being able to move on from it.
I also feel African first daughter syndrome shapes the character of the individual. What part is who you are and what part is what you've experienced? Intertwined. And so when dealing with these issues down the line, fundamental parts of who you are have to be challenged as well as part of healing.
Love this Sis. Speak on it !
This video is everything 😭💕
I’m from the Caribbean... I think there’s a similar dynamic there
really? i didn’t experience that but maybe because my mum came to the UK as a child so she’s basically british herself 🤷🏽♀️
Thanks for this video. So helpful.
Thank you so much for this, I really just thought it was my parents.
They know better. Do they treat others, friends/church members/coworkers/strangers, the same way they treat their children? In my opinion accountability by owning and looking at their own misbehavior is the first step towards change. There is a level of self loathing and undealt mental/emotional anguish that propels them to lash out. Especially on those they can control, read: their children. The need to confess and repent (because they know that what they do is wrong) is a healing step out of the shadows of abusive control.
I love your videos 💕
Thank you Kamilla!
💕
Omg I relate to this so much!
I am glad that your are speaking pure British English, and not the wrong stuff that we Africans speak. Obviously you are born and raised in the UK. However, recent immigrants should be able to learn that, with a little effort, especially those with university degrees. I am a recent immigrant and I respect any new language I learn and try to speak like the natives. Thank you for being their so that when I get better at the language, whenever Africans ridicule me for not speaking African English, I will show them your video.
I don't know if anyone asked but how many siblings do you have??
Hi Oghosa, what camera and microphone do you use for your videos?
ASMR Helper Sony A5000 but no mic as it’s usually quiet when I film
yessss thankkk yoouuu omg
Luckily I don’t have this
A facade
Love u girl
Gorgeous
I'd recommend you read books from other religions to not get stuck by the religion that your parents programmed into you. Life is bigger than that Bible.
This is soooo good Oghosa! Such a mature way to summarise the issues we have to deal with as first African daughters. What really hit the nail on the head for me is where you talk about how if you don’t process trauma, you remain there. I’m going through therapy now and this resonates with me. This is such an important conversation, thank you for this!