Winner Friends vs Loser Friends: How To Spot The Critical Difference - Inner Work Library [110/500]
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- čas přidán 8. 07. 2024
- How To Make Better Friends or High Quality Friends? Positive mindset, winner mentality and knowing how to see the difference between high consciousness and low consciousness: this episode of Inner Work Q&A explores the psychology of healthy and positive friendships and how I make deep friendships with deep people.
An especially useful video for introverts or socially expanding individuals who want to learn how to create deeper connections without getting attached to fake friends or becoming a false self persona. Important for trauma survivors too, learn how to spot trauma bonds and choose better.
WATCH MORE Q&A EPISODES BELOW (FULL SERIES):
• Inner Work Library Q&A...
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⏱️ TIMESTAMPS ⏱️
00:00 Judgement Can Be Healthy
03:01 Pay Attention To Reality
06:15 Watch Their Words
08:42 Protect Your Energy
12:11 Intentions vs Outcomes
16:15 Please Be Mindful
20:10 Become What You Want
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Topics explored: how to make friends; how to make deep friendships; true friendship; make new friends; how to make better friends; positive friends; positive mindset; winner friends; new friends as an adult; social circle game; trauma bonds; trauma bonding; trauma friendships; friend trauma; loser friends vs winner friends; winner friends vs loser friends; winner mentality; positive mentality; high vibe friends; conscious friendship; high quality friends; high quality friendship; friendship;
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#positivemindset #positiveenergy #positivethinking
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Jordan
Hi! great content, I appreciate your hard work. I have a question...
I read one of your book reccomendations, Healing The Shame That Binds You. My question is about the proccess of healing toxic shame.
Context: Bradshaw is saying that personsal relationships set up toxic shame, we will need them to heal our shame. That we cannot heal until we reach out to others that will accept us.
I do not have the mental capacity to have close relationships with other people for various reasons. Can I heal my toxic shame on my own?
Listening to this video brings-up memories where I've (INFJ) failed myself and others around me. I get very negative/cynical when I am in the presence of toxic people that have authority over my life; I particularly remember a couple of toxic bosses and how it slowly "tore me up inside" over time. Now that I can recognise my condition, I am very wary of travelling a path with people that use/abuse me; I now recognise my need to take care of myself and leave toxic people as soon as I have confirmed that they will not respond to my needs.
B.T.W. please never attempt to hold a cluster-B toxic person to account, instead, I recommend leaving silently and professionally.
I found this video encouraging. Thank you! I struggle with romanticizing and over sympathizing with people at times. I’m beginning to trust myself more and more each day. It is so freeing to give myself permission to judge instead of blindly trusting words over actions. I’ve learned that as soon as I start feeling confused or find myself making up excuses for someone- I’m out. Your insights and recommendations are always helpful!
Thanks for being willing to judge what deserves to be judged and not naively bypassing the obvious!
I went to a bar last night for the first time in years it made me genuinely reflect on my values and allowed me to see that I did not want to be around people who lived a kind of hedonistic lifestyle.
Brother, well done. There may be balance and a time for these things in the future, but I know the feeling. Keep steady.
Wow, I would call this a moment of synchronisty.
I was just journaling about this exact topic, thinking about 2 particular friendships I have and how I feel constantly drained, uninspired and held back. I open my CZcams and I see you uploading this fantastic video. Thank you so much.
My only issue right is how to express this, verbalize it and leave this connection.
It's a tricky thing to notice, and it often takes time. I'm happy to continue the conversation you've been having with yourself - thanks for sharing.
I love that you always have such cool book recommendations
They're great - get them!
Judgement is necessary. Being judgemental is not. They’re often conflated and this is a great articulation of the difference between the two.
Very nicely defined, good perception - we need to see this more.
The more depressed I get, the more people avoid me. The more they avoid me, the more depressed I get. It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m sorry to hear this, and likewise know it will improve over time. Keep at it.
What a valuable conversation to have. It’s uncomfortable to think about being judgemental but we have to make sound judgements in life and this is a helpful way to do so. This made me reflect own behaviour of late and the friendships I’ve made in the last year or so in a new light. I’m tough on myself but have a hard time with other people but that limits my growth, perhaps my lack of boundaries there is about letting myself off the hook because they won’t hold me accountable? Food for thought - much appreciated
Our self-standards are often reflected in what we accept in others - that’s for sure, it’s a good reflection. Thanks for taking the time to sit with this uncomfortable video and take some insights 🌲
This is so interesting. Recently, I've been becoming more self-aware about the language I use to describe my intimate life when sharing concepts and concerns with friends. Reframing can be very powerful without denying how I'm feeling about something.
It's well worth reflecting on our default language patterns in everyday life, and especially when we are in the teaching role. Our words amplify outwards with a greater impact, so I'm glad you appreciate this!
This! This is exactly what I have been looking for for a long time. You are absolutly right when you say judge a book by its cover.
The same can be said with family members too. I unfortunately learned the hard way & have had family who turned out to be not so pleasant when i reached adulthood.
It's a baseline principle, with room for nuance further down the road. Never black and white, but I think most people appreciate the freedom to discern from loud impressions.
You make a good point, especially about it never being "black & white" unfortunately, I think it's in our human nature to see things as so (I hope i'm wrong in that regard though). The whole "us vs them", "good vs evil" mentality.
What I have come to understand so far (at least with my family & even myself) is that people want to get better & do the things the've always wanted to do. There is just 1 or several things stopping them.
Fear, Shame, & Guilt.
Fear because they are afraid to try something different from their norm.
Shame because they are afraid to leave thier comfort zone
Guilt because they are afraid of what they think others' will think of them. (Another biggie i've expierienced myself. Especially with family.)
Oh, almost forgot... Hurt & Control
Hurt because, well you get it. Those who hurt people are also hurt themselves. Because they are ashamed of how they were treated & they (falsely) think hurting others will ease thier suffering.
Control because they (falsley) think that if they can control everything then their world will be in perfect order. Or when they trick themselves into thinking they have control over a substance that is harmful to them. Just take a look at the "junkies" or better yet may I use your example of the "new age hippie weed smoking camp?"
And if you don't mind me asking if you remember what those people looked like? Were they healthy with glowing skin? Or were they malnourished with hunger? (Weed makes people hungry for some reason, hence the phrase midnight munchies! That's how the members of my family described it when they would abuse the drug.)
To be honest though I have been wondering what life would ultimately be like if everyone fallowed thier Soul & fullfilled what they wanted to in this life, on this planet. 🌏🌎🌍
Thank you once again. Your sincerity and sensitivity shine through. So worth it.
You are so welcome.
Thanks for being so straightforward about this, I particularly related to projecting my best shadow and wishing, fantasizing or dwelling on a past image about somebody, while downplaying the sides that I didn’t immediately like, like negative talk, or using swear words, or ever coming to an interesting question about me, just about themselves. Posture is always revealing, food choices and time spending . Then the more difficult points, how many interests do you follow and why, where do I put my energy, what makes me really feel alive and nurturing, besides feeding any kind of ego…. A cold shower to all of the bad tendencies here. Thanks again
Thanks for these reflections, valuable and appreciated.
Voice of the Body is a phenomenal book. Especially the section on sexuality and personality. Great value in there stating things clearly and with precision that is lacking in so much self development fluff these days. What you’re talking about here is looking directly at how a person is based on what their body is telling you. What are their values, convictions and what they stand for? And the words they use is a big testimony to how they view reality and their place in it for out of the mouth flows the abundance of the heart. The more we heal into a healthy harmonious embodied way of being, we won’t be gaslit or deceived into making time for losers because we possess a positive felt estimate of ourselves that won’t be acknowledged or respected by the lost and victimized soul who hasn’t grown. What possibly can they offer? Great video Jordan!
Excellently summaries and articulated - happy to help and likewise appreciate your sharing!
This was one of your best yet. Highly triggering but…so true 🔥🔥🔥
In what way? Thank you!
Great topic and energy Jordan.
Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Another great video Jordan!
Thanks again!
Thank you, Jordan!
Always welcome, Gail!
One of the hard parts to discuss with certain people considered veteran friends.
Is giving advice about positivity and being upon higher state consciousness but the ego boost gets in the way.
In the end is the human itself to seek salvation within them.
Very complex topic in my end
For sure - there isn't an easy way out, and these things take time. I'm wishing you the best in your month ahead.
I think what you are saying here is very important and can help people avoid giving their lives and potential away to toxic personality types. I allowed people with “loser” mentality for far too long. Narcissistic folk will use you up for all you are worth if you allow them. There is a lot of truth in that you become the average of the 5 people you spend your precious time with. Choose wisely. Great video and content. Thank you for sharing!
Completely agree, thank you for this well-worded comment here. Wishing you well with your circle of 5!
Yes, this is very much true, also something I am learning at the moment
It’s one of those things which doesn’t seem all too important… until it suddenly becomes very important. Appreciate you taking the time to let me know 🌲
Thank you so much!!! 🌲 A much needed video..
You are so welcome! Did you get a notification for this one?
@@jordanthornton Yes! I got notified. 🙂
Damn, I'm jelly at that last statement, we want friends like that too! teehee
Anyway, the firestorm you cast brings the fire in me. Friendship is really a tricky thing. From the media that we grew up watching and societal expectations, it felt like the majority's mindset is no matter how toxic a friendship is, it has to survive through thick and thin, but what if we outgrew our friends because we desire to be great? In a way that we overcome our traumas and such and become a better version of ourselves. Sadly it's a hard reality we have to grasp.
I have these friends who kind of helped me when I was starting out, but after 10 years and counting, they don't care about their lives anymore (obese, apathetic, gossipy etc). We connected through video games and travel before, but apparently, these can be a diversion from inner work. When I try to explain my dreams of going to certain places because I feel a "calling" they would tell me that I should just go to these local places if I wanted to see landscapes lol. Esp males nowadays who really lack depth and emotional awareness? I'm speaking from where I live, although people can vary in different places so there's that. A fire for a fire! hazzzuh
I loved the beginning. When we use new age terms to describe these things it's very easy to convince ourselves we're not being judgemental. Been there, done that. 😂
This is such an important conversation. In my "non-judgemental" era I forbade myself to judge anyone on anything. But covertly I was trying to demand that other people stop judging me on anything as well. 😂 And I would be forever frustrated that the world won't comply with my delusions.
Allowing myself to judge others is also accepting that they will do the same. So now I actually have to take care of myself instead of finding ways around it.
But I'm still new to this, so it was useful to learn what to look out for. 😁 Thanks!
Thanks for being honest, as always!
Very helpful & encouraging.
Glad it was helpful, Sherry.
I am beginning to see that I'm a rarity, I wonder about this topic daily on my journey, I don't like it it makes me uncomfortable, but, I believe it's one of your most important videos. I feel that trauma is being told 'we' are high vibration but everything about it is low vibration
.. Snobbery.. I was adopted into this dangerous situation, daily I fight this! My inner argument is always running in the background 'look how you have walked away from this low energy, but you're still doing it yourself, just out of view from others!'.. I am always happy to face terrible things that happened to me! But, don't tell me others can see where I'm at! Don't tell me I'm an open book from my language to my posture !the shame is tengable. This video is a key to a tightly locked dusty old door inside of me that needs to be looked into, it's the key to the basics that can only be unlocked with feet firmly on the ground for me.... Your insite into life is life changing for me at this moment in time.... Thank you wonderful man 🙏
Reflective words, thank you for taking the time to share. Wishing you my best in your next steps this month.
I really appreciate this video. For me, self accountability is crucial to success and how people react to that accountability says so much about the authenticity of support via the exchange in relation, will they say yes I see something is wrong and speak truth OR be glad for the step back and reinforce it with falsity such as body positivity or politically correct lingo to soothe and thus internally give permission for the reflection where they too may need improvement yet don't want to face it.....level up and grow together or step forward into the unknown alone and allow the new self to connect with more aligned tribe...again and again and again. The world says "don't judge" and yet everything we do is a judgement call, good or bad, conscious or unconscious, and we're given the ability to discern for this very reason. Thank you!
Excellently said, thanks for taking the time to share here, Angela 🌲
Great video. I absolutely only let people who have winner mindsets into my life.
You've got some big lifts on your channel - I would expect nothing less, brother! Wishing you well.
@@jordanthornton Hahaha, thank you brother. I enjoy your videos.
I relate to the golden shadow projection - which worked really well in the space that I was a theatre teacher. But has been a tough medium of lesson learning in close relationships … it is validating to hear you talk about it
Yes, we need to appropriately project in the right contexts and watch out for spillover!
Good one man
Appreciated, thanks for being here.
I get you, Jordan
Wishing you all the best, Rhiannon!
In some ways, this video was a call-out for me. There are some small things that do need to change as far as my fitness and sleep schedule go, though I do admit I have been travelling recently and am trying to get recalibrated. Also, it brought to mind my current self-esteem issues, in regards to how people claim to see me.
...this will be really vulnerable, but basically, I don't always believe I'm enough, as far as romantic partnerships go. This is because I never really dated anyone, the guys I did like weren't really interested, and the ones who did show interest were interested for the wrong reasons. It's something I'm working on, but right now, I don't really believe other people's compliments to me that well, because in reality, things like appearances aren't enough for people to like you. Not the right people, anyway.
So maybe that's me leaning into loser energy, I guess. Again, I'm working on it.
We can absolutely work through the shiftable patterns - I’ve been there, and you’ve got this Diane 🌲
Thank you, Jordan. Your videos are consistently of high quality, and it's evident that a considerable amount of time and attention is invested in creating them. You are my golden shadow ;)
I do have a question, though. What if these individuals so-called "low-vibration" are actually your family members with whom you are supposed to maintain (regular) contact? Whenever I'm in their presence or engage in conversation with them, there always seems to be an atmosphere of gossip and complaint. It's emotionally challenging to be around them, but, it’s even more distressing to reduce contact with them further than I already have. Have you had any experience with this?
Screenshotted, and will make a follow up with your question as soon as I can. Very important, thank you and I'm wishing you the best in the meantime.
That would be fantastic. I look forward to it!
Likely I am unhealthy and speak negative, hence everyone moves away from me. And all healers struggle to heal me. Then I am in pain. And I feel more guilty and depressed after seeing this.
We can all heal things with awareness, wishing you the best 🌲
They aren't real healers then. You are not the problem, they are. Don't worry. There's no such thing as low vibrations or high vibrations it's just people who can't control their own energy so they blame it on others. It's disgusting. If someone "low vibrstional" can affect their energy then how" high vibrational" are they really? what's the point in healing or learning how to heal if they can't be around or work with unhealed people. I mean,if a healer can't do that, then what's the point?
"Poop eating energy" 😂 taking that phrase!
It's a clinical term, hahahah
@@jordanthornton 😂
OMG Mr .Jordan Kicks A*s😂😂😂And yes I felt, what you*re doing!
Boundaries are important 😉
@@jordanthornton I agree ;*)
As a neuro-divergent brain with c-ptsd, I go in and out of winner/loser states. Currently losing. Harsh but true points Jordan. In fact I disagree with much of what you're saying. Sometimes in gatherings I get overstimulated and am unable to express myself clearly or at all. Many folks have rebuffed me as a weirdo due to these times. Melting down and crying when overwhelmed is something I'm learning to manage, but people that judge on the basis of a few brief interactions is an incredibly hurtful dismissive experience to go through. There's my opinion. A loser opinion apparently.
Healing from trauma-based swings is hard, but it is possible. I personally went through years of prolonged depression, but identify shift is possible and I wish you the best if you want to keep moving forwards - never my intention to be shaming 🌲
Hi - do you have some videos with pieces of advice of what to how to create boundaries, and not to go into fight/flight mode, when a person,- in my case a person, almost, half my age, communicates in an attacking way - and thereby steps way over your limits
How to guard oneself - both in spoken and written words?
Thank you.
Three videos actually, episodes: 103/500, 90/500 and 60/500 - all of them on boundaries in different ways and will really help to answer your question. I hope they help, thanks for asking.
On the flip side, I know people who are fit and very unhealthy. Just mentioning this to caution people to go on the second phase and look at their friend's words and actions, not just at their looks. Looking good, dressing well, etc, can also be shame-based, not self-love-based. Some people groom themselves well to avoid shame.
Yes of course, we need to do both at multiple levels of sophistication and likewise address their past, present and future - thanks for commenting
Is this targeted toward co-dependents or INFJs (who want to bring everyone up)?
I feel like most people naturally judge others into winners/losers unlike INFJs who want to give everyone a helping hand
Lol at the imagery of me taking a bunch of people on a train to winner island …
It would be the best journey around hahah
fire
Cheers!
Does being depressed make you a loser or 'low energy'?
I was chronically depressed between ages 10-22, and I would personally reflect that I was significantly shifted towards ‘loser / victim’ consciousness during that time. It’s imperfect language, as you saw me struggling throughout the video, but I would say that depression is often very heavy (but thankfully, not permanent… we can heal ourselves!) 🌲
I don't know. I feel like I have a higher chance to be a good friend now that I'm depressed, because I don't demand perfection anymore. *My depression does not stem from victim mentality, but by loss of values. Each case is different, I suppose.
As a neurodivergent person who works and tries harder to just do basic things that others don't even have to think about I am really disappointed by the video. I thought at first you were saying this because you were trying to show people what low vibe vs high vibe comparing is as bad as. Anyway, I don't think this is true at all and you can't judge people by the way they look or how they act even. Our judgements are based on our own biases and internal rights and wrongs. It is not okay to just decide whether someone is one or the other. People aren't just going to fit into two empty categories and change across their lives. This is quite damaging. Two things: 1. Surrounding yourself with only the best people because people around you will make you who you are tripe. 2. Ranking people like this and believing that it is something other than your own biases. For example, I rank people in terms of how kind they are. This doesn't mean that isnt my own bias. Not everyone is going to agree but I personally separate kind from unkind.
Not to say anything against you or your content because I absolutely love your work and think it's incredible how much time and energy you have put into learning about mental health and really helping people. I understand you may be saying this to help people to grow and become their best self. I just feel like one of the biggest problem in society is that we don't feel able to be who we are and go through bad things or be imperfect and works of progress. Mainly because we don't feel accepted as such. That has been my own experience with neurotypical people who are quick to judge (we all are) but don't really take the time to see how not everyone wants or values the same things
❤
Always wishing you the best, my friend!
I wonder if you have ever been the 'loser'... Somewhere in your past.
Yes, as I mentioned in the video - I wasn’t exactly doing well in life early on 😂
@@jordanthornton yeah I couldn't even finish the video. I think it's interesting that you're labeling as 'loser' the whole result of a series of traumatic experiences you went through, that lead you to where you're now, thus, something that's very much part of your present.
So in your opinion, a person that has a mental illness is a loser, as well as a poor person that eats garbage and lives in a slum, who has really bad language and habits. Wow.
And what about all those musicians and artists that battled addictions, depression, who have unhealthy habits yet they're brilliant at what they do and they created amazing artworks and masterpieces that moved millions of people across the world, sometimes even for centuries. Would you still call them losers? It gets intertwined, doesn't it?
What about all those narcissists that take great care of their bodies and their health yet they look down on everyone else? Who therefore are incredibly toxic.
I think calling people either losers or winers is incredibly simplistic, reductionist, childish and downright mean.
Sorry to go off topic here but what would be an equivalent book to “King Warrior Magician Lover” for feminine archetypes? @jordanthornton
It's Goddesses in Everywoman by Jean Shinoda Bolen & Archetype Medicine by Kasia Gwilliam!
Many thanks @@jordanthornton
Thank you Jordan , with deep gratitude always 💜🌸🦆🦢
Truly always my pleasure.