Introvert, No Friends? How I Create Deep Friendships With Deep People - Inner Work Library [78/500]
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- čas přidán 21. 07. 2024
- How To Make New Friends As An Introvert? Introvert friendships can be hard, and this episode of Inner Work Q&A explores the psychology of introvert friendship and how I make deep friendships with deep people. An especially useful video for introverts or socially expanding individuals who want to learn how to create deeper connections without getting attached to fake friends or becoming a false self persona.
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⏱️ TIMESTAMPS ⏱️
00:00 How To Find Deep Friends
01:40 Inner Work Question (Q&A)
02:25 Introvert Psychology
03:50 Accept Your Flaws
05:48 Are You Unlikeable?
07:34 Real Friends vs False Friends
08:26 How I Choose My Friends
10:42 Are They Safe?
12:20 Stop Being Fake
14:04 How To Attract New Friends
17:21 Be Honest With Yourself
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Topics explored: conscious relationships; jordan thornton; how to make friends; how to make friends as an introvert; introvert friendship; introvert friends; new friends as an introvert; making friends as an introvert; how to make deep friendships; true friendship; how to make real friends; make real friends; find real friends; true friends; introvert; introvert psychology; introvert friend; no friends; ive got no friends; i havent got any friends; make new friends; inner work; psychology;
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📸 - Follow me on Instagram: / thorntontheory
DM me for 1:1 consultations & private mentoring.
#introvert #traumahealing #innerwork
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'Exceptionally high standard. Doing something very impressive or doing something impressive' This is where people trip up in life. Perfectionism mindset. What's wrong with down to Earth people with good moral values & good interpersonal boundaries? Sometimes "good enough" is best to balance reality.
I hope you can see that I’m simultaneously being honest about my own standards of personal performance and service while also sharing openly about my particular boundaries around the demands of responding to hundreds of people per month on social media as someone who talks about emotionally demanding topics 🌲
“I’m a survivor of the friendship-making process.” 😂
Still waiting on my medal 🥶
Thanks for sharing your story and requirements for friendship. These aren’t spoken about very much since people have this idea that, to be genuine, one must open their life to whom ever knocks at the door needing friendship. But “deep” friendship is entirely different. That door opens to a room where certain standards, preferences and values have to be shared and respected. It’s a sacred space where I’m happy to sit alone until I know that my guest will enjoy visiting me.
Deep friendships need true standards, exactly. Wishing you the best in your connections.
I feel so seen! I always find it interesting when others perceive my state of peace as being lonely. As a conventionally weird, introverted, hermit who is incredibly protective of my energy, I resonate 10000%. I don't "people" well because I attract trauma-dumping strangers like moths to a flame. I happily spend most of my free time alone in nature with my dog, so I have the bandwidth to be fully present in the right relationships.
Sounds like a healthy balance - love reading this, truly worth taking that time alone if the alternatives dont seem great currently.
As a good Christian girl, highly sensitive and empathetic, I was ripe fruit for those who would devour me energetically. Also, as a boring introvert, I would seek out exciting people who made me seem interesting, or so I thought. I hated every minute of having to “go out” or show up at a party. I sort of realized my true nature after being a fire lookout for 7 years, which I totally loved and felt right at home. It wasn’t until I read an article about Dr. Robert Hare and his Psychopathic Check List that I realized that my “path” in life had been a “psycho path”. I don’t have to walk there anymore since healing. Now my true friends (about 3 people) are authentic and energy giving instead of sucking. The other side of childhood trauma is rich and beautiful. Thank you for your work!
Appreciate you having done some of this work with patience, thank you for showing up and also thank you for sharing.
There is hope!
I'm very introverted but because of my husband's work I go to a lot of social events. And if there's another person who's working on themselves you'll almost kind of know when you're speaking to them.
Trust me if you get the "wow I'd like to be friends with this person" feeling when you watch these videos, you'll also get that feeling when you meet people like this in real life - and then you'll finally have somebody to talk about therapy books with :P
Well said, hopeful!
This is the talk I needed. Made me realize that I come out not as bad or toxic per se, but as demanding and unapproachable. I should give up on many things and accept others.
I read in an article somewhere that it takes 40 to 60 hours of time together to form a casual friendship, 80 to 100 hours for a genuine friend, and 200+ hours for a best friend. And of course, the time spent together needs to be present, intentional, and meaningful. Makes sense that the best friendships are like a good slow brew stew. Not your instant microwaved meal lol. Great video! I'll have to find the original source for those stats
This is fascinating, Amy! Thank you for sharing - makes a lot of sense to me, do you reckon that a few particularly ‘hyper-present’ experiences over a long-calendar period could shorten the ‘genuine friend’ curve? 🤔
@jordanthornton gotta be some other factors thrown in the mix hahaha I've spent plenty of hours with coworkers I would never call friends. I'm sure levels of maturity, "hyper-focused" time, and some secret sauce of "we just click" are a part of the friendship formula 👌
@@jordanthornton I would think so. Just how people liken going to a Vipassana retreat and doing 10 hours a day of silence meditation for 10 days in a row - is stronger than meditating 1 hour a day for a whole year.
Thank you for this. The videos in which you share a little of your own life experience are especially effective, I think. The last part about the necessity of putting oneself out in the world is so important, but extraordinarily challenging for those of us who are terrified of rejection in any form. It's safer to remain invisible, but it certainly limits one's ability to find the kinds of connections with others that make life meaningful.
Yes, I often try to 'get myself out of the story' when making heavier videos, but this topic felt right to share more personal life. Thanks for taking the time to comment and good luck with your next steps in friendship.
At 1:23 of this and I honestly felt as though this is the first time I've heard my personal, intimate [both platonic and romantic] relationship criteria so clearly articulated. As a highly extroverted professional who deals with heavily personal matters and is a happily private introvert personally by nature, cultivating nourishing friendships is a bit of a task in that I am the quintessential slow burn. I do not especially mind that until it's pointed out, in that it seems to be more of a problem for others than for myself. Covid and a number of other events here in the US not only allowed for a great deal of cherished space, it also allowed many people to self-select themselves out of my life for any number of reasons, usually it was a lack of fundamental alignment.
I wondered at first at why I felt more relief than grief until I listened to a childhood friend share what I'll call her interpretation of me. While her perceptions weren't negative in any way, they simply could not have been more far from the truth. I have rarely felt so "unseen". I had to take a step back. My first response to her was to tell her I wasn't the person, thus friend, she thought I was. That was not received well. I think it was the first time I was forced to understand and claim responsibility for the fact that a lack of authenticity on my part resulted in the unintentional construction of a lie. The lie of a person who allowed others to fill in the blank spaces of my compartmentalized glimpses with their own ideas instead of being clear about who I am. A lie tht has the power to break people's hearts and upset their sense of trust.
This gave me a much needed sense of clarity that I really, *really* need today. The work has been *HARD AF* these last few weeks and this was a welcome breath of oxygen. I cannot thank you enough for the work you do and share.
I liked hearing your personal perspective on this. I think probably a lot of us struggle with this to some degree.
For sure, thanks for watching and commenting.
Beautiful video, Jordan. Probably my favorite to date. Enjoyed hearing about your roadtrip and the process of getting there. Looking forward to watching it again. I really needed to hear this message. Thank you!
Watched the video, got some yogurt, and watched it again!
What a compliment - happy to have been supportive during yogurt time hahah
@@jordanthornton In full disclosure, eating yogurt was a proxy for telling a charming young woman that I am not ready to go on a date, which we had scheduled for this weekend. I literally had that conversation between watching this video the 1st and 2nd time. And also had yogurt.
Appreciate you sharing, and happy for you in your found, deeper friendship.
Man, I was the guy you've described having been, and still kind of, am. Most longest best friend, during our final 5-years, he kept saying, "I don't want to be using you as my therapist." I kept reminding him that our paths seemed to have great overlap. I eventually realized that I couldn't be heard by him, and then I became resentful. I feel like I've pulled a 180, and I will NOT be therapist to "the world", aside from my obvious lack of qualifications...educated and well-read, yes. But that's not nearly enough.
I now am left, it seems, with nothing to give...too deep as you described yourself to have been for some time.
Needing, and "connection" is the likely, yet most obscure of needs for the attachment challenged due to early mayhem. My former Bioenergetic Therapist kept bringing me back to this, and it is a natural need, yet chopped off from awareness, yet somatically, it remains.
Perhaps what you've modeled herein is a reasonable relational aspiration? For now, I'm ineligible for coaching and/or friendship 😅.
Thanks for the video, Jordan.
Some genuine reflections here, I’m sure somebody will benefit from reading your thoughts today - thank you, Eric.
all of what you talk about is so damn relatable to me, it seems mad to me that anyone would want anything other than a few deeply conscious friendships instead of a bunch of surface level unconscious ppl around them
Ive been there at school and in various workplaces, and trying to contort yourself to fit in with a group of unconscious people and a deeply flawed culture
I can only be friends with people who can stand outside of the culture and see it for what is is.
Most people have been bent so out of shape by society's pliers and most may never find their lost authenticity in this life
Its literally all an energetic thing, ive had people i have just met and within the first 10 mins of talking they are trauma dumping on me,
I can easily make deep connections with anyone, but the trick is to find the select few who can actually reciprocate your energy instead of taking and i agree with you its rare although so rewarding when you find that
And my problem now since ive moved out of home and im staying at hostels is that i keep on accidentally making deep connections and then these people think im their friend, i am trying to keep to myself but whenever i talk to people it feels like i can meet them deeply pretty quickly and then all of a sudden ive got like 10 people in the hostel who think im their best buddy. I am trying to keep to myself
Also im coming out of the phase you were in. I always used to go so deep in conversations so quickly and ive realized recently thats just socially immature. Now i embrace the most surface level things in conversation and things are going alot better for me
and the etymology of the word 'weird' means to be in control of ones destiny, so i dont know why it has a bad connatation to it. Embrace your individuality
And i think that 'normal' is a myth, like there's literally no such baseline as being normal. It seems like the normal that is talked about is a mixture of being neurotic, insecure, emotionally underdeveloped, and unfulfilled
You should read 'The Myth Of Normal' by Gabor Mate if you haven't already
Thank you, this resonates in several ways. It's somehow always comforting to hear that you are not a weirdo 😋.
Rather be a really good friend to few than a bad friend to many.
Great perspective 👌🏻
Well done Jordan as introvert talking with flow style into this subject so smoohtly 😎 Honesty, authenticity and being passionate about what you do is very important in my friendships. Also willing to try new things and always keep learning. Life gets really easier when you know to set healthy boundaries and I am still learning to express my needs better. Saying no its easier remembering that when i have to say no I say yes for myself and to the values, agreements and desires I wanna keep honoring. I am clearly extrovert person so I have to consciously pay attention that i am not taking too much space away from others and listen too really not needing always to respond my opinions but just to learn connect and understand what is the experience of another person. I also like people who are reading books. My best friend in Finland has way more bigger library I ever have and she is godmother of my son gifting him always with the best books too! My moon sign is in aries so I like to think that makes me a bit intense person as well psyche in scorpio. But I also have learned I cant dim my gemini sun light to please others too much. I hsve ended like a doormat when people have taken my kindness as a weakness. I think that Choose people who choose u is the simplest formula to find alignment in friendships. I msde today big step in my journey! I made first tiktok video. That was so much out my comfort zone but i did it 🦄 thanks again for your video 🙏
Honesty, authenticity and passion are truly important, exactly. Happy to hear of your recent success too!
Amazing video! Thank you so much for creating this content, makes you feel less alone in the world
That’s one of my intentions. Hard to find quality material on some of these issues - here to help 🌲
Thank you, unexpectedly, I feel after listening to this like I am doing okay 😄
Great to see you here, Judit. Wishing you my best!
Thank you, Jordan! ❤
You're so welcome!
Beautiful. This was wholesome and beautiful ❤🎉
Happy to be here - thanks for taking the time to comment!
Moving, thank you. I'm grieving losses now, trying to be a good sport. So watching this revived sadness. The human condition, we're born in pain, live in fear, die alone. I'm blessed w/friends. Total failure in the romantic. Can't have it all
Thank You Jordan!❤️🌲
You are so welcome - thanks for the 🌲
I completely understand the idea of going into deep conversations too early. Mostly because i sometimes get bored with the surface conversations as well. I also understand the idea of allowing time and space for friendship to blossom, considering the fact thay it takes time for me to warm up to people as well. Thanks Jordan for this video, it really resonated with me. For a while there it felt as if you were explaining my own exact personality to me 😂, the idea of needing space to just be by yourself after a work week, wanting to go into deep philosophical discussions too soon thats just me a card carrying menber of the introverts club
Totally get what you’re saying 👌🏻
I don't think I ever had true friends. They all forgot about me after college or school. But I want to have closer people and I think I can improve that in me.
If it's an intention, you'll likely get there. Keep at it.
"Divine timing" Jordan, this is the video I asked up a few months ago. I'm actually in the moment now of visiting an art museum and see it from there if I'm going to sign up for a Yoga or Art Class. lol. So signup for private mentorship got it! lol
Cheers!
Happy to be here right on time! 🌲
I like your videos. They make me think about things
That's what they're for, thank you!
take the conversations to deeper zones hahaha...people have come to avoid me for that😂 I'm learning to do the social chat and still being my authentic self, humour is a blessing for that (and for the inner talk to😁)
Gotta find that social calibration point!
Very helpful video. Being unapologetically yourself!
Glad it was helpful! Wishing you well with your friendships!
I'm happy you exist
Happy to be here... truly.
I adore you. Much gratitude.
You are so welcome, Justin. Keep going my man.
wow! 😃 Thank you 🙏🏽👍
Fun episode - hope you enjoy!
@@jordanthornton 😃👍 Yes!
I got lost there. At the same you’re saying I can be a prick and not have some many friends you say that real friends are hard to find…
Real friends are certainly hard to find, but the search is made easier when we are more likeable people. I've been there for sure - many unlikeable qualities previously - and I've seen how things get easier as we become better - hope this helps!
you can only meet others as deeply as youve met yourself
Very nicely said brother 🌲
good job on the video. (i may add more later)
Looking forwards to it!
How would you approach someone like me who has outlived my friends? There are 2 left, neither where I live. I got started in life early and graduated from university much younger so it was a pattern repeated and I never thought, they will die before me, till it started happening. Meeting people now is overwhelming. Where would people like me begin.
I’m sorry to hear this, and I wish you the absolute best - don’t give up 🌲
How to throw out loser people from life & attract only valuable friends who have positive mindset ? Any top books suggestions to read for on this topic..
Will make a video on this when I can - in the meantime, you don't need a book. Live by higher values and have high standards.
Hello, I'd love for you to speak into the unconscious psychological structure of the empathic white knight syndrome/rescuer complex and more specifically, how to illuminate the deep roots of where this is presenting itself from (needs being met?) - I've been aware of this part of me for a long time, and have done much work to get to a point where it doesn't show up much anymore/holding a large degree of awareness to catch it quickly when it is present - yet I recently have found myself feeling deeply rejected (aware that this is deep wound) with some specific occasions when my more intimate friends decline offers of support. The deep somatic sense of rejection is the clue that this is tethered to something at the core and not a rational response to what is in my present, I'd love some insight and actionables if possible? thank you so much x
Great to finally see that question over here, Maisie. Screenshotted - will do my best! In the meantime, take a look into the dynamic of fixing others to fix yourself / helping others to help yourself. The dynamics often lead back into something like 'defensive overgiving' (to help us feel safe) - hope this helps, will make a full video when I can!
@@jordanthornton hilariously, this is not the original question - the original question related to erotic transference OUTSIDE therapeutic relationships and again, the unconscious psychological architecture of those roots of projection. However, when I went to post under the vid (projection) I found that you had covered the a good chunk of my question, enough to lead to me to the right books and resources and insights for myself! The erotic transference and white knight syndrome question do have one thing in common though, the DEEP seated compelling need to be CHOSEN. Interesting times, thank you so much for your response! Will look into those fo' sure :)
@@maisierawlinson_ You got this, strong intuitive self-guidance!
Unsure whether this is relevant to the video, but I am someone that actively avoids and rejects meaningful friendships with others and prefers to remain at the base level with everyone. I think this is due to a fear of rejection as in my childhood/teens I experienced lots of rejection from peers. For this reason, I spend much of my time alone which causes feelings of depression and worthlessness. How would you suggest I heal this? Is there any methods to improve my attitude regarding building and maintaining friendships? If you’re reading this comment, please feel free to reply with feedback. It would be greatly appreciated.
Inner teenager work, seriously. I released a video on inner child healing 0-18 a few weeks ago, and it will help massively. Good luck, and thanks for sharing.
How can we live or integrate our animal? Does this require universal or more personalized actions?
Thank you for all you do:)
I'm not sure I understand your question, unfortunately! Would you be able to rephrase this? Wishing you the best.
@@jordanthornton Carl Jung has spoken about the importance of living out the animal in ourselves. I was wondering if you had done any research this topic.
He specifically mentions this in his Red Book but he does not give any specific steps on how to integrate it.
I apologize if it is still confusing to understand the question.
@@annaceliaramirez8558 Gotcha, understood! Screenshotted and will do my best when I can!
@@jordanthornton truly appreciate it. I know it’s not easy but I haven’t seen a lot of content on this topic
Feels so healing to even listen to a story about conscious friendship. It makes me feel it exists.Thank you for sharing.
In my case, I am a compulsive over-giver, who completely identifies as the therapist friend. I am also extraverted to a fault. So I always had an aggressive amount of 'friends' in my life, but also this deep cutting sense of loneliness.
I resonated so much with that part of "friends who don't make you work for free". I don't think I have any. It's a painful realization to see how many people were only in my life for what I give to them. And to admit that I was the one who created this dynamic because I never give anyone an opportunity to show up for me. Because of the complexity of my issues, most people around me simply do not have the capacity to do that.
Anyway, thank you for finding a way to be present even here in the comment section. It truly means the world to me. I do not have much of support in my life but I'm getting so much better at finding it. And I imagine in my case that's how healing looks like.
That moment of realising that you 'never give anyone an opportunity to show up for me' is critical. It took me years to figure that one out and dissolve the people pleasing / over giving, bravo!
❤
🌲🌲
Problem number one there is no normal!
We Need a website…
What for?
bloody hell its hard to tryna be this guys friend 🤣. Some chords def hit deep with this one. Maybe i am just a cunt. There is a beauty in the dance of small talk too.
+1
Appreciate your consistent support!
INFJ vibes
are you INTJ?
Had that sometimes before, more often INFJ though - for what it’s worth
May God continue to Bless you and the important Love/work/share that you give so generously here. 🫧🕊💗🕊🫧
I enjoy your heart felt shares here. I have always been a very sensitive Man with very few friends & a deep connection
with those who matter. But most of all I enjoy my own company, with my Lord & our God. Life is too valuable not the
share our Love & connection along the way. 🫧🕊💗🕊🫧. ❤🇨🇦❤
Thank you for this, wishing you well brother.
16:59 anyone who knows you would not BE talking to you - during your workout and/or taking that time up for 'free' - right? I'm confused...
I share a lot with you regarding my introverted, self-aware, self-evaluating personality ... and as amazing as it would be to actually cross paths with a handful of people (even one tbh) that were in alignment with my own interests/values at my gym - I can not see them acting without that basic consideration for me, the situation; I'm in the middle of a workout - a physically exerting action that requires my full concentration. Even if they need me to let them jump in for a set/share the station ... there's certainly an opportune moment over mid- exercise and workout.
Myself I would have a sense of real self-centeredness or selfishness to disregard what is occurring in such a scenario. I would choose to be more considerate in such a case.
I enjoy your videos. They are very helpful. ... working my way out of 'hermit mode'. Thank you so much!
Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me. 🕊 🫶 💪 🪷