Why Do Addicts and Alcoholics Hurt The Ones They Love?
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- čas přidán 25. 05. 2020
- The ugly truth is that addicts and alcoholics don't feel as connected to you as you feel to them. In this video, we will explore exactly why addicts and alcoholics hurt the ones they love. We'll take a deep look into the psychology and biology behind what goes on inside the brain on an addict/alcoholic. Learn WHY YOUR ADDICTED LOVED ONE NEVER TAKES RESPONSIBILITY For Their Actions 👉 • Why Your Addicted Love...
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Thanks!
Thank you, Erin! 🤩
The lies that an addict tells loved ones are merely an extension of the lies they are telling themselves all the time every day.
💯💯
This.
It’s awful the lies they tell 😢
Lies lies lies
It hurts so bad
Word of advice don't be friends with addicts. Leave them alone they'll drain you.
That’s a good piece of advice. They absolutely drained you and they make you feel like you’re the crazy one.
An “emotional vampire” is a true sign of narcissism, just like how the narcissist is charismatic and emanates charm. You’re on to something!! Best advice with a narcissist, no contact. The narcissist is a deeply pained, traumatized individual utilizing addiction to mask their pain, anguish, denial, guilt, and shame.
@@Liz-in8luyou know who else does this?! A narcissist. I’ve always felt a connection between the addict and narcissist. Entitled, emotional vampires who steal your energy, and these are deeply pained/traumatized individuals. They use smear campaigns and gaslighting techniques to deflect. Gaslighting is used to make you feel crazy and they do this on purpose to distort your reality!! Please, if you’re not familiar then I implore you to look up narcissism. I knew it! Knew it!!! There IS a connection between narcissism and addiction. 💡✨
My dad was an alcoholic.. I married one and now my son.. It's a generational curse that only you can stand in the gap and break... It ends with my son. No more.. I pray over him. Oil Jesus's blood over him.. I cry out to God to heal him.. I never guilt trip him.. Low self esteem is enough that they carry..
Set bounderies.. Love them.. God's mercy will heal them... He came to set the captives free..
Never give up..
God knows our tears...
He is a faithful God.
Amen🙏💞
It always shocked me how deep in denial the person is .. my dad was a alcohol.. he didn’t consider himself as one because to him he could still go to work .. have conversations.. ect .. and an alcoholic to him meant he’d have to drink every day..
The fact that he’d get plastered and cause issues out of nothing , mood swings .. I remember Comming home from school and he’d be intoxicated.. asked me a question to which I didn’t understand because it made absolutely no sense.. he’d get mad and then my whole night went away from him tormenting me for god knows what reason.. going to shcool with no sleep …
Then grades went down and he’d beat me because apparently it’s my fault because he does everything he can to help .. stet when mentioned that it’s because he keeps me up I’d get punished…
Eventually as I got older I leaned to adapt and how to talk to him .. I left unexpectedly and lasted down the road asked me why I don’t want a relationship with him.. I said because of his trauma he caused on me .. and litteraly said “ you stupid and making shit up..
And it mind boggles me how he can’t understand or even admit that the childhood I had was horrible and i because the person I am in terms of my mental health because a lot of it was from the abuse ..
Just a year ago I blocked him .. and cut off all contact … that destroyed him and he’s now using other substances because of the guilt I presume??
I feel terrible but at the end of the day if he can’t admit that then I can’t accept a new beginning relationship with him….
The amount of anger I feel when the alcoholic is delusional and lies to my face then says he never lied, is through the roof. You can’t talk to them like a normal person. They hear what they want to.
I really understand. I will catch my mother buying alcohol and find and it she will still lie.
@@rachelbale6137same 😢
My partner is the same. He makes up scenarios in his head, picks fights, then when I try to tell him how the situation really is, oh no, he won’t listen. Then he calls me a narcissist and a shit mum to our 2 kids. Yet, he’s the one coming home from work and drinking most nights, leaving me to do dinner, baths, get the kids off to bed, clean up, etc all by myself. So yeah, I might lose my patience at times.. but it’s because I’m fkn tired. Physically and mentally.
@@KJxxoosounds like you don’t know your womanly role. If he works all day shut your can and do the work. Man has earned his beer.
Alcoholism is absolutely heartbreaking. 😢
Get away from them, they will ruin your life, women think with their emotions and get sucked in by these people who don’t care
Men too. Goes both ways. I was manipulated and lied to so many times, and I was in denial that she was an addict until I found evidence. She wrecked me. All I wanted was to help, but I was enabling her. All I wanted was to be good to her, and she used that against me. Had no choice but to cut ties and get her out of my life. Draining in every way, and I was done
when all you "care" about is feeding the addiction, there's not much room left for anything, or anyone else.
😢
But who chooses that?
@@Kerrviii someone that’s so far into there addiction..
I'm 14. My dad is an alcoholic, to be more precise he's a drunk narcissist..he becomes very aggressive towards me & my mom. After drinking he abuses us a lot, throws stuff. He's been doing this since the day I was born. My mom doesn't wanna divorce him due to financial reasons. She can't afford to pay for my education. Idk how to cope with this situation. I just hate my dad. He acts as if nothing happened when he's sober. Idk if he even knows how deeply he's been hurting us.
(PS - Sry for the long story but I needed to rant out my frustration somewhere. )
Go to an AA meeting and you will get support and help for you and your mum
Sending you lots of love from Ireland 💕
I'm so sorry, Janice. Thank you for sharing your story. How are you and your mom doing?
Drugs bring the real person out
@@Cottonball-gz4cr That's 100% false. That's like people who believe "trust what a drunk person says, they're telling the truth in that state"
Lol, I've been drunk, and the things I said was 100% NOT true!
How cam you say or believe someone who is intoxicated by a substance is "the real them"? That's the effect of what they're ingesting, nothing more. They can turn into a monster, or a love bomber, but again, that's the drugs/alcohol/pills.
Keep your head up, my brother is an Alcoholic and he terrorizes the entire household 😭
We don't know what we really have till it's gone. We think they will always be here for us. I know this because i was full of that nonsense. I agree that we think it only hurts ourselves. I know that's not true either. Thanks I have been thinking a lot about this.
Cruelty. Emotional cruelty. In the midst of drinking a belligerent alcoholic is excessively mentally cruel, and when sober the residual narcissism never actually takes responsibility for that. It’s hard. Please do a video on emotional cruelty.
Someone else who sees the narcissism!! Thank you!!!
Addicts are selfish AF
They’re struggling bro damn
Whether addicted or recovered it's always all about them
Yes! I slowly noticed how narcissistic the alcoholic was with his comments. It was cute in the beginning, but disgusting once you see it.
i split with my partner 2 months ago - he was full of rage and hate towards me . i’m heartbroken
You are better off without your partner. Your heart will mend..and you don't want someone who is jealous..and resentful towards you.
Alcholism is so heartbreaking its been very painful just got the call the father of my child just passed at age 42 from this
This is wonderful! I read in a book called “games people play” that an addict will purposely hurt their loved ones and use that as ammunition to continue and-or justify their reason for being an addict. I think that falls into the “shame” category. It was very eye opening. Thank you for your talks. Your channel is amazing. Thank you!
Thank you Angela! I'll take a look at that book.
This feels like what happens to me all the time. He makes me out to be the bad guy even though he knows I never do anything to hurt him. When he’s sober, he even says that all the time. But when he slips up, he turns me into an excuse.
@@tarabooartarmy3654 I deal with this also. He drinks every single day, so I don’t think there’s a truly sober time…but I get what you’re saying. In my world, he doesn’t have to be completely wasted to say the horrible things. It is maddening.
My husband is an alcoholic and I don’t know how to show him love or even be nice to him. The things he does and says when he’s drunk are so terrible and infuriating that I struggle to let it go. It also doesn’t help that he NEVER apologizes and instead has the audacity to act like he’s perfect and does everything, and that I’m the bad guy with issues who needs to step it up, all the while as he does literally nothing but drink and cause chaos, while mooching off everyone around him and LYING about EVERYTHING!!! OMG I’m so mad, disgusted, and blown away at his sense of entitlement 🤬 I know I need to detach and not interact with him when he’s drunk, which is every night, but sometimes I just want to file for divorce and tell him to F off. If it weren’t for my 2 young kids, I’d be so gone. I feel like I’m the only adult in the house, responsible for everything. I know all about how the addiction works, codependency, enabling, gaslighting, etc, you name it….but Damn, this disease makes it soooo hard to love them!!! 😤😤😤.
I'm at the same point you are, shaking right now because we had another fight. Of course it's my fault and I'm too sensitive. I am literally cramping in my stomach from keeping it all inside. How does one escape this living hell? I don't want to die of a stress related disease. I hope you are better, I hope we can both heal and live happy lives because we deserve it. I just don't know how to do it.
@@emrad8843 I’m sorry to hear you have to deal with this insanity too!! Fortunately, my husband was admitted to the hospital for pancreatitis again - I know it’s weird I say fortunately, but it takes something big for them to stop. The only true advice I can give you based on my own experience is to detach and let their drinking problem be THEIR problem. When he’s drunk and tries to interact with you, don’t engage with him unless he’s being positive, and the moment any negativity towards you comes out of his mouth, immediately disengage and walk away or ignore him. They will do whatever they can to make something your problem and bring you down. Don’t fall for it! Imagine when they’re drunk that you’re talking to a evil spirit that they’re under the influence of and it’s only goal is to spread negativity and hatred. Don’t fall for it’s games! Detach, detach, detach! And finally, most importantly, take care of yourself! We’ve been so consumed with their problems and believing the problems they say we have, that we’ve completely neglected ourselves. Be selfish, do what makes YOU happy, and PRAY! God is always listening and will help when the time is right! Trust in him! God bless you! I will pray for healing of you and your family! ❤️🙏
@@JMM599 You are so right. Thank you for your kind words and good advice. It is comforting to know I'm not alone although I'm sorry you are going through this. I will pray for better times for you and your family as well.
Hi, first off I'm a recoved alcoholic since Sept 2015. Did have a relapse into other stuff in 2018 and my heart stopped, saw my body on the floor for a moment in haze.
Here now I have done a lot of meditation, trauma healing with some occasional professional help.
Why I am here is my brother is back home and had a drikin problem too. When drinking he directs disgusting vile hatred to me and wishes horrible things. The world is just fing him every day. I have been assaulted a number of times and called police but never pressed charges. He been off it a couple of weeks but today he got loaded. When he came home I went out. When I come back my dad was upset after cleaning the destructive mess again and the violence. Some personal items of mine were damaged, but not to serious. The thing is, when can it go too far. So I'm just exploring and looking for some answers now.
Now I do want to share with you there is another component to this that is very real. If you want to call it demonic or entity attachments. True demons are another level but why do they call it drinking spirits ?
Alcohol is an anesthetic, so it shuts down the rational frontal cortex or the Grey matter. Literally other spirits and thought forms step in and play like a puppet. Just as physical parasites eat the host and influence behaviors, these beings are the devil on the shoulder. In 2020 I actually had my first clearing by a shaman. I have meditation experience from long back and see more than average. At 16 I was reading philosophy, plant medicine, nutrition...but traumas and even generational traumas effect us.
So when brought into the sacred space I could start to see the entities as they were removed. One was a cocain skeleton picked up in 2018. For years after sometimes I would crave, the rational mind says no way getting burned again, but these feelings. I would see glimpses occasionally of a skull or skeleton around me or in the minds eye. Sometimes people see things in the corners of their vision, but nothing was physically there. That's your 3rd eye picking up on the etheric. This society has blocked those senses out. Physically it is very real organ. The pineal gland. It is about the size of a pea, hollow inside. The same rods and cones of your eye actually fa e inward in the pineal gland. The fluid contains chemicals and crystals that produce color and light. A nerve plugs directly into the optical cortex of the back of the brain between the two eye nerves. Just for context and you can validate that info yourself, I'm passionate about these subjects.
So I did have a more extensive clearing and life activation by a woman who trained with many amazing people. Got me really thinking about what is free will? Those times when I went bat shit crazy, the destructive choice. Head full of bat guano...
You look at a person's eyes in that state, they are not there anymore. You will notice the changes in the pupils , full dilation, black eyes in a rage. It's adrenalin and the entity taking a ride. They enter through the back of the skull. There is a psychologist who began investigating possession with schizophrenia and violent criminals. He had a few freaky stories for real.
What helped me earlier on was a book 7 weeks to sobriety and Susan Powter book, Getting Sober and Staying that way. The 7 week program saved her. Alcohol and other drugs mess things up and in a way too it's diabetes for the brain. The mitochondria can learn to use alcohol and not glucose or Kevin's for energy. So it's inevitable to drink again. I remember earlier on and off. A week, a month but still feeling raw and pain inside.
B3 NIACIN is extremely important for alcoholic and schizophrenic. It helps the liver and does important things for the nervous system.
So just starting with some simple inexpensive niacin will greatly begin to raise a person's mood. And if they drink again the vitamin reduces the toxic effects and aggressive behavior. Must be nicotinic acid to work. Please read up on it, every one can benefit. It is 1 atom off from nicotine. Interesting fact, nicotine is an antidote to snake bites. Sacred tobacco in ceremony is used to clear entity and dark spirits. A connection here?🤔
Omega 3 fatty acids will start to heal the brain. It took a week but I didn't have this raw feeling anymore. It did take a year to recover the PTSD from alcohol. Magnesium is so important too . Zinc has a huge role in general addictions.
So if you could introduce buddy to some niacin.... but I don't know either. My brother is dumb as a post and blames hates the world as he watches the walking dead. A sick narcissistic tv show.
Do they have to hit a deeper bottom? We sure don't need to take a hit in the process. I don't know either at the moment. Dear spirit, help me to show me the wisdom I need to know now to help us.
I'm the oldest sibling so I had felt a lot of burden, cleaning, common sense... my mom stays at my sisters in the week to vwerk. Ya I hear you it can feel lonely!
I hope maybe some of that helps....New insight. I'm going to have to talk to him tomorrow of he lucid enough. If you want to kill yourself don't take me with you...
Ya I haven't felt safe to sleep yet!
Gabor Mate is great talking about traumas and addiction. You can find him on the YT. This is more for you to learn about your own traumas. We all need to love ourselves more. You made it here and are supposed to be here. You're doing great. Our traumas gets us entangled with others.
May peace be with you.
@Turd Ferguson yes, it's true. I am a recoved alcoholic. There are spirits that take over. Where did I go in that black out. My actions were not me. In 2018 I relapsed into a little cocain. It got dark quick free base , krac . A good hit a few times I would see a blue , purple , green mean kaleidoscope pattern and felt a little strange. Think of the flower of life pattern, the sunflower, sacred geometry. That is the feild geometry of our crown Chakra and what I was seeing was the entity digging in. The false lights as they are called in spiritual philosophy. I did get proficient help removing these. Literally an exorcism. What is free? To contemplate.
We all pick up energies and thought forms so it's important to daily cleanse our auro too.
Salt baths, sage. Call on Archangel Michael and Raphael, cut the etheric cords. Notice the m3th heads like funny colors in their hair? There sure is something to that. Don't watch the television, mind rape. His Story. Tell a Vision. Personal Script, Doctor actually means teacher and they are the opposite. Word games. Bruce Lee said they call it spelling because you actually are casting spells. Woha, I been recommended to journal and all this flowed out. Spell some better thought and patterns.
Grateful if this serves anyone in a constructive way.
I had an abusive alcoholic husband and finally accepted defeat when our daughter was 4 so she wouldn't have to grow up with it. He introduced her to alcohol at 13/14 on holiday visits so he had a drinking buddy and someone to agree with his delusions as to why we split up, as nobody else did, his family included. I now have an alcoholic 36 year old daughter who just buried her father and has canonised him, and I'm faced with the same triumphantly spiteful face he had, while she reads through the 40 year, one sided journal he left her and tells me all my failings, what a bitch of a mother. I bent over backwards to never do parental alientation or make her party to the problems he and I had. His last words to her was that she was 'his greatest achievement'. He wasn't wrong, was he? The irony is that although I've known about her addiction for years, helped her, supported her (enabled her??), now that she and her husband and children live in my house (I live in the garden), and I employ said husband in my business it's only today dawned on me that I STILL believe deep down that if I love more, do more, try harder, than the addict does they can turn it around. No, it will never be enough. We simply don't have the same values. Hard as it will be I must be the 4 year old child worth saving. Their addiction, lies, manipulation and spite has destroyed my life, coloured my relationships and I'm now having to watch it do the same with her children.
I cut ties with an addict in my family cuz I got tired of the chronic anxiety and tired of questioning what angle I'll get each day to much stress to me
I can totally relate. Sadly I stuck it out for 30 years, 3 children and 2 grandchildren. My oldest is clean and sober. Middle son is a alcoholic. Youngest son is 17 and he's the most level headed of the 3. They all equally detest their father. The oldest completely cut her father out of her life. Middle and youngest son avoids dad like the plague. None of them have any respect for their father, totally justified. Their father gets so drunk he can't walk or talk and continues to consume until he passes out. He can drink a 30 pack a day and sometimes more. He refuses to stop abusing alcohol for anyone or anything. It's sad that some people can't rise above. I'm a rise above person. After witnessing his drunken tirades I decided I wasn't going to be that monster or close to it. I treat him exactly the way he treats me and he says I'm the problem. I was taught "treat people the way you want to be treated." His family enables him. I refuse to enable.
From your story I gather " can't win for losing." I know your pain and I'm sorry that you experienced that.
@karenanderson7873 It’s been 8 months since you commented this. How are you now? Has your situation changed? I truly hope things got better for you. Praying for you. Hope you see this and are able to update us.
@@TheRealJessicaValerio Hiya, yes, the situation has changed because I've been able to alter my perspective. I hasn't ruined my life (catastrophising much? lol) it simply hurt more because I was busy dealing with my pain AND her pain and forsaw her children's pain. She canonises him because he they shared the same fundamental pain which led to the alcoholism. (Did I save her aged 4? No, the damage was already done. She had a drunk, angry father who couldn't meet her basic needs and a stressed and scared mother who also couldn't meet her needs. That's neglect, no matter how it's justified.) Alcohol suppresses the pain they were unable to even look at, let alone deal with. Anyone who challenges that challenges them; who they are and their sense of identity. Alcohol also acts as a temporary dopamine to subdue excess cortisol (stress hormone). It's THAT that is the addiction, not the chemistry of alcohol. If it were, we'd all be addicted, wouldn't we? So....unpacking the childhood trauma and learning to a) sit with the painful feelings and b) tap into the wholesome child that was there before the pain was has helped her, and me, start to get back some of the connectedness that we humans MUST have. We cannot live without it, it's innate in every one of us, and addicts of all description especially. The shame of it is that the very thing they need is ultimately the same thing they reject by pushing love and help away. It takes a lot of love, honesty and trust on both parts to make a change....and it won't always work. Trust your intincts people, sometimes it's the lesser of two evils, so disengage. Sometimes you can distance and still help....provided they are still receptive. My daughter heard the human connection bit and looked back at her father who died with no-one except her at his side and is trying very hard to steer off that road she's also on. I hope she makes it but I won't be sacrificing myself to feed the demons.
@@Theintrovertednowyou did the right thing. All alcoholics are worthless.
Anyone who has a drinking problem, Lets get sober together. 30 day Vlog. Day 1 6/24/2020. Bless
The take them by the shoulders and shake the heck out of them..is exactly how I feel
Yeah. I have no words because it validates my feelings toward the alcoholic.
You are amazing. Saying that my alcolic doesn’t love me the way I love him is not upsetting, but a huge relief. I have felt this for years. That I have confirmation takes away from my feelings of craziness. I’m not crazy. I also realize he can’t live me like he should. I don’t know what’s in our future, but at least I understand more, and know I can let go of a lot of the crazy making, I attempt to deal with what’s true in front of me instead of what I wish it was. The truth is relief for my soul. I don’t have to be shattered by anything unreal.
Ditto 😥
I have Zero sympathy for abusive alcoholics. They are selfish and hurt others. No Fs given. I stay clear of them
You’re so sensitive
I'm glad I found your channel today and looking forward to what I can learn from you ❤️. Long story short and to be honest, I'm an extremely damaged survivor of very severe spousal drug addictions to heroin and benzos. My kids and I have seen and been through more than anyone I've ever met in real life and I pray every day that somehow I'll be ok soon. She's been sober for 5 or 6 years now and I feel like I've made zero recovery myself. It's hard not to replay the worst of times over and over again in my mind, it's like a never ending trap. I stood by her with the children and did the best I knew how to do as the sole provide for my wife and our 3 children. Thanks to God, our youngest is 19 now and all 3 of our boys grew into fine young men considering the absolute hell they've had to experience at their most vulnerable times of their innocent lives. It's heart breaking to think about what they had to ensure as children, I wish I could've shielded them better but it wasn't possible at the time. The experiences are plenty and the stories are of truly horrifying and traumatizing events, but the main thing is that all 5 of us made it out alive! Thanks again for posting this content, it just may help a lot of other people in a similar situation to my own. Much love to everyone out there, stay safe!
I’m extremely damaged also, but keep a calm and capable “facade” going for the sake of my daughter. I think I’m a highly sensitive person and suffer terribly because of it. But I’m also an authentic champion who is always in the background not grabbing attention and causing chaos. This has to be a stabilizing force that is not celebrated, but absolutely necessary for any kind of peace or healthy functioning to occur. Be proud that you suffer in silence. Exercise, eat well, be simple and know that without you everything would fall apart.
This channel and Amber is amazing while I live in the uk and some of her strategies are different from the uk she has been an inspiration to me dealing with my addict husband. I get so much from this channel and the community of people on here we all help each other it's amazing.
Pray and thank God for strength in past and in days to come!
Thank you. I have been trying to understand why this beautiful man in my life who has relapsed after 15 yrs of sobriety has been so mean to me. To the point where I question my self and how I am in the world. The crazy making.. I get told I have issues and I have to sort myself out. I'm not perfect but I'm not actively being mean and then a second later being nice.
I am so sorry . I am feeling this too ! I feel your despair 😢
At some point, you stop loving them. They make promises, which they never keep. They think you are stupid and don’t notice they are so drunk they can’t stand. They are a constant embarrassment. If you have an alcoholic in your life, get out. They don’t care
about what they are doing to you. There is no excuse for their behaviour.
I met some alcoholics in my life ( also lived with one together for a few months) and I can tell you they will never change. They always blame somebody else for their own problems and refuse to acknowledge their own contributions to the misery they are in. My advice : avoid them like a plague otherwise they will drag you down and make you ill.
You're reminding me of how hard some things were. It has been awhile since I lived in proximity to him. I am rethinking some things. I couldn't understand why he just victimized himself so much as opposed to mentioning his choices. This helped. What I'm liking about this is you're giving me science. You aren't belittling the addict.
Amber, I had to have my husband arrested on Thursday for meth use. His mother bailed him out as fast as he got arrested. I did turn off his cell phone because I was going to pay for something for him to call his dealer.
Right there with you, had my SO arrested for drunk driving over a week ago. His mother bailed him out to. Unfortunately he’s still drinking and calling me evil. It’s horrible
This confirms my feelings about my son… and honestly, it crushes me 💔
🥹☹️
Wow, wow, wow....your videos help me understand so much. Thank you, amber. My loved ones actions hurt so much but knowing the truth of their addiction and their brain helps quell my sadness.
Hi Ka d, I'm so glad you found my video helpful.
I think at a certain point, it stops being love. Abuse and neglect isn’t love. It’s an oxymoron to put love and abuse in the same sentence. Sometimes some folks never loved us. And some will never be capable of love. I had to deal a lot with recovering from narcissistic abuse (they didn’t have an addiction, they were just naturally awful) so one thing we learned was that one feature of love is consistency. You simply can’t trust anyone who is on one minute and off the next minute. And yes, narcissists live in a delusional bubble perpetually. I’m here Bcuz I’m dealing with a roommate situation related to their alcoholism. I have to say that it’s not really all that much diff dealing with a narc and they’re gonna be taking a hike soon. Ugh. Drama. Denial. Excuses. Taking advantage. Selfish. Delusional. Manipulative. Immature. Blame shifting. And yes well able to sell herself and spin some convincing yarns, or else she’d never have gotten in here in the first place.
I agree that some addicts and the things they put the ones they “love” through, does feel a lot similar to narcissistic abuse and behavior. It’s heavily toxic and I am glad I’m not the only one who sees the painful similarities between the two disorders. Stay strong. I co-parent with my Narc ex and currently have a addict sibling staying in my house and you are so right about how it feels the same dealing with the both of them. I wish you the best and I’m glad I read your comment.
@@HealingIntentionally Aw dang. Thank you. I also wish you the same. I know it’s tough. I’ve taken some measures that seem to be at least giving me more personal time and space and at least the crazy 911 type of drama isn’t happening anymore for now. I think right now that’s the best I can do tho. I still complain at least to myself (and I feel like it’s justified sort of lol), but it was much worse when I actually had to live with toxic family and I didn’t know anything or didn’t have any good tools to work with. Although you know there is all this aftermath and residual stuff and the way their toxic world begets more and more toxic situations. Well if that makes sense. All the catch 22 situations that landed me in a place that is less than ideal...which I tend to resent. I think I’m at the part where I’m trying to still untangle the rest of the gnarled up spider webs they left me all tangled up in. But sucky is still sucky and I reckon anyone wouldn’t always be running around all cheerio and such whether it’s the lowest hell or the next rung up but still a bit like hell. Whatever it is, it’s still not well. But yah. I just press on regardless trying to stay determined.
Yes my dad is a narcissist and my partner is an alcoholic. I agree, when they are in the throes of it, it is exactly the same behaviour: gaslighting, minimising, blame shifting, circular arguments, denial, scapegoating, pity party, abuse amnesia etc etc.
@@emmajane646 So true. I can relate. My step father the narcissist. My bio father alcoholic (although I can’t remember much as he was out of the picture by the time I was 5). But the narc step father and the fam rental business over here. You name it and we’ve got it over here. All kinds of addictions, psychos, and so on. I saw a lot of things related to addiction working in the fam business and learned a lot dealing with the psycho fam machine. But it is much more difficult to find yourself stuck under the same roof with either one of those types. Day in and day out, it just wears you down so much more.
It’s not who they truly are.
My mum is a alcoholic, I feel like this is not a addiction it is a choice. She will wake up sober. And then make the choice to continue to drink and hurt her family. I am fed up of the empty promises. I do not have no sympathy for her when she drinks, I cannot understand why I am not good enough. I don’t understand why she chooses to do this knowing the outcome when it happens. I can hear her speaking to her self imagining people talking to her. She makes out that I am crazy. I don’t know how to get help. I don’t know how to make anyone understand.
Rachel, I understand and I'm sorry you are in this situation with your mother. I watch videos and read comments here on CZcams to help me understand and not feel so alone in my despair.
Call Al Anon they provide free counseling for children whose parents are dealing with addiction. You are in my prayers ❤
That makes a lot of sense. They say family is a priority then leave for 5 years. On return, one of the main reasons is to connect with family, but it's just not very motivating because he can't see past his nose so those priorities are delusional and completely out of whack.
Ty ! So much so little videos about these situations it’s so hard dealing with a addict it’s tough !! I pray for all going thru this may our loved ones heal ❤
That is a hard truth. I love the way you lay it all out in this video. It makes so much sense when you get into the psychology behind their lies. Very helpful!
Thanks Tayler!
Really? How about you actually really address the fact that you feel in adequate that your loved one won’t stop for their love for you. SMH literally so ignorant. All of this.
Yeah the delusion to avoid the shame is soooooooooo frustrating.
💯🤙
I love your videos ive been binge watching for days. I feel so guilty for abandoning my husband with a cocaine addiction. I gave him a final chance whilst he got clean and weekly therapy but he relapsed very fast. It’s only been a couple of weeks since his last relapse & he thinks his fine again. This attitude shows me he is not in recovery. So I couldn’t stay again as I can see what needs to change & he isn’t willing to immediately change those things which will be risking relapse by a higher percentage such as big flag triggers for him. I wish I could have been stronger & braver but I couldn’t bear watching the lies of using & come downs where he is so poorly… ever again I am heartbroken.
Walking away also requires strength!
You’re not alone. Just left my high functioning alcoholic fiancé today. I feel horrible for leaving, but I can’t keep living in fear of a relapse
@@Ephemeropteraa you did the right thing for yourself
Hi Paige do you mind me asking where you both are now? X
I am an alcoholic and I know when I’m hurting others. I am hyper aware. I’m not a complete pos!!!!! I’ve had friends who have committed suicide & passed from addiction.
I love that you describe it as a psychological war… because it is just that. WE ALL DO THIS ON SOME LEVEL… Once we we are ashamed, we would rather just run away and not deal with it. I’m glad I’ve had sober time so I know how good but feels 😊
Take responsibility stop trying to make it not seem what it actually is
So even though your hurting others do you still drink
Great you can see the hurt caused to yourself and family, sounds like you are pretty aware and going the right direction. Many family members of addicts sadly also take their own lives. The pain is something that reaches far 😢 I wish you the very best and keep up such great awareness
Sorry to hear this but you will progress and love your delusion. Better get it done fast. Drinking is the worst habit, makes heroin look like sugar.
I discovered your videos a couple days ago and I can’t thank you enough for making this wealth of information available for everyone here on YT. I knew that there was no magic wand for what I’m living with, and that’s a lot easier to handle now that I have information. Knowledge is power, and it is giving me strength to start my exit plan. You’re doing a wonderful thing here, I appreciate you so much.
Happy to help! Thank you so much for your positive feedback! 💖
This video was really helpful! I'm a therapist and recently started working with male juveniles in a substance abuse program. In family therapy I see a lot of parents ask their sons if they love them. I've been binge watching your videos and your content is so informative and therapeutic for everyone!
Hi Bree, Thanks for all the hard work you're doing. We need as many soldiers (fighting addiction) as we can get!
May I ask, what were the steps that you took in order to achieve that profession? It’s what I want to do as well.
Hi Amber....went to see my ex last week.....nothing has changed...he couldn't even walk straight when we were picking up a take away....so embarrassed...his way of living is a low standard...I have to stay away...can't do this anymore...too many lies....and he cannot see he was hurting me.....
Im dealing with the same thing but an alcoholic ex and long distance too. We will heal and get good karma from everything we’ve been thru!
It’s so crazy. I watch your videos and I get so motivated to do the right thing and not be so angry. And then my addicted loved one does something again that just goes against everything he knows is right. And my first instinct is to shame him and threaten him and be done with him. I have to keep watching these videos to keep myself in check. I’m not helping him if I’m out of control! Thank you so much for these videos!!
It's so hard not to react. It's against every instinct! 😫
Yes then we are the psycho, my partner has turned all his family and friends against me to get himself validated and yea I have had some really bad psychotic reactions, it’s horrendous the person I have become being in this relationship, I’ve lost everything I had good about myself and yet I’m too blame not him!
Great video! I introduced ur videos to my husband. We are currently separated due to his addictions (and I guess a lot of others reasons upon reflection). He sent me this video so i guess he’s been watching more. Hope ur well. Keep up the good work. Ur saying things out need to hear:)
I think it's great that you guys are both watching and can have discussions about these topics!
@@PutTheShovelDown lol. I didn’t say there were discussions! We are not there yet(?)! 15 years of damage. But maybe one day. Or perhaps we are talking through your videos🤷🏽♀️🤞🏽
@@nancyhernandez2271 yes girl…24 yrs of damaged
Sounds like he’s manipulative. Using this video as a prop to try and play you back into the abuse. People. Don’t. Change. People. Can’t. Change. They will ultimately return to their permanently impressed behaviors
@@thorodinloki facts. He didn’t changed. We are now divorced😕
Hi Amber, you explain everything relating to living with an addicted person with such clarity; I think you are brilliant!!!
Wow, thank you!
New to your channel and loving your content. You are helping so many people who want to understand the mental processes of addiction.
Thanks so much for your kind feedback Nashly77! How did you come across our channel? I always like to find out how new people find us.
I should’ve won an academy award for best actress. Though it wasn’t necessary an act, but a removal of my emotional entanglement in the situation. I watched a few of your videos and followed what you said. It wasn’t easy, but it turned into a deep conversation. He was open about where he stands (it was hard to hear). But it was less resistant and he had a lot to share. We have to remove ourselves from where we want them to be. As much as you want a ripe avocado, it’s green….
"As much as you want a ripe avocado, it’s green…." love this!
I am currently studying cert 4 in AOD (alcohol and other drugs) and I found your channel. Your channel is part of my learning material now. I have learnt so much from you, I share certain things with my class from your videos. I wanted to thank you so very much for educating us and helping us learn more about addiction. Kudos to you for the work you do!!! And taking the time out to educate others!
Xx
Thanks so much for your kind words and feedback, Carly! I'm happy to have you as a fellow solider fighting addiction along side me 🪖
You don't study gluttons behavior it's just being a pig
As a Gen Z, I think that I mentally struggle to see my peers struggle with alcohol addition. I was glad to find this video because I was hurt by said peers. I noticed the same recurring patterns that you said: they hold resentment towards their family, they may have some trauma, their antisocial appearance, and their habit of becoming a victim and causing conflict on purpose.
They seem to lash out at other people and ruin their own reputation. But they refuse to take responsibility or admit anything. I hate to say that I now have a fear or avoidance towards people who abuse substances. They've burned me too many times for me to let go. Even non-alcoholic addictions. Someone abused meth and admitted that he abused his girlfriend, which she then ended her own life over.
It's also extremely hard for me to say some of these people, although sober for a period of time, they still misbehave. It is like their bad behavior was engrained into them. The best thing I could do is disengage and block them from my life entirely.
Thankfully, none of my friends or family have fallen for any substances. But this video helped me come to terms with my own thoughts about it. Thank you so much for the content
Your explanation around the 8th minute and after, about how the addict can't feel love, I had heard from professionals but never the science. Helpful for my own self esteem.. I've left him but I have so work to do for myself
Thanks Barbara! I'm glad that hit home for you 💖
Let them feel the pain they cause others, that is what i say.
Good view!!!!!
I tried calling. 😪
The pain is AGONY. I would rather be dead than not get my life with him. But he won't recover and help us with our relationship traumas too. Therapy. Marriage. A life. I sleep to escape the pain. He WAS the one. Addiction hurts people so excruciatingly!
I think this is one of the most important videos I've ever heard on addiction. Thank you Amber.
Shelley Sharun wow thanks Shelly! You’ve made my day 😀❤️🥰
This is literally the most ridiculous shit I’ve ever heard. Women like this are the reason why people with the addiction disease still feel completely alone and misunderstood
What does it mean when someone suffering from alcoholism keeps saying "nothing makes sense anymore"
It might mean they are realizing how unmanageable their life has become
Finally I got to go through your vide which I hope would help me to deal with my alcoholic husband.. sometimes I get so frustrated and helpless thinking of giving up everything. Everytime I suffer silently it's really very much killing me alive
Watching this was a punch in the gut. It was amazingly helpful but still painful to watch.
Everybody hates the alcoholics and addicts but no one gives a helping hand to resolve.
Ur way wrong people been trying to but shit goes in one ear and out the other with them people have tried to help them but people also gotta have their own priorities and boundaries with their life these junkies are all full of excuses
What..exactly...is Amber doing then??🙄
@@dilletanteproprietor i didn't talk about Amber, I'm talking about those addicts partners.
I supported, enotional, financially and I provided an environment where I gave him respect, love and compassion. He only used it to continue with his emotionally and verbally abuse. After 27 years, I changed the locks
. He kasted 3 years abd ended up in a home, destitute. On the 5th year he died as a result of destroying his body from alcohol and ambiance.
Addicts will drain you and will use up up to the last drop of humanity. They don't want help, they want people to ENABLE them!
@@polyglot6542 really sad to hear, you were quite supportive in the journey.
Tell me how you're doing these days?
My gf tried to battle her depression with a drug… behind my back. Ruined us. Started arguments with me, got me acting out of character… making up things about me and our home…. I found myself constantly defending myself against false accusations…. I didn’t know what was going on. She broke up with me but still stuck around. Like we never broke up. Wasn’t till I caught her at her addict fathers house I finally became the bad guy. She been clean now for about 30 days. She still has no psych meds, she needs to be leveled out… we haven’t spoke in 2 months. I still love her dearly and would love to reconnect, but she holds a grudge against me. My therapist has explained to me why… it makes sense. I hope she figured herself out and reconnects.
Do not forget.. they who stop and come far. But they can relapse. You have to be strong to handle relapse as a partner. You have to have really good and healthy boundaries and hold on.. good luck.
Excellent! Even applies to myself when I overeat.
I don’t understand the anatomy of my bfs body.
He is an alcoholic.
1 small drink to nothing gets him inebriated. Although everyone can see clear as day he’s drunk and tells him, he really believes in his mind no-one knows and continues to lie.
I have sat and played these mind games with him that emotionally has caused me so much anxiety. it feels like my life revolves around him instead of a balance. Whenever I’ve had enough, he will not stop calling me, persists in texting me, threatens to show up wherever I am, threatens to speak to my own family. And if we do speak again he apologizes to never do it again and then a vicious cycle begins all over again.
They never will change
“Most of the people we see struggling with alcoholism, they usually are kind of charismatic they’re sort of.. salesman type.” This. This. THIS. This is narcissism. I’ve felt a connection between narcissism and alcoholism, I’ve seen the connection, and yes.. the alcoholic can most certainly be and is a narcissist. The charismatic charm, the entitlement, the petulance, the shame, guilt, denial, chaos, dysfunction, emotionally dysregulated individual is the narcissist. I’m very, very thankful this subject was brought up in this video, it’s not the first time I’ve heard or read a correlation between narcissism and alcoholism/addiction, but it just further drives the nail in the coffin about these types of individuals. Thank you for the validation!!
Thanks for the truth.
You're so very welcome, Georgia!
This should have a million views, so good, thank you for helping me understand.
Awwww thanks Mimi, Mom, & Me!
Hello, I am so glad i found your channel, you explain things in the right amount of depth in an easy to understand way, painting a whole picture, THANK YOU SO MUCH I really appreciate what you give to us.
I'm so glad this was helpful to you, phoenixisingharley! Hope to see you around the community!
If a child is being endangered by substance use in the home, boundaries have to be violated.
Safety always comes first!
i really like your videos
I just recently found out that the love of my life has been using meth amphetamines and is now in the hospital.
I’m struggling very much because I don’t know a lot about addiction or how the addicted person is feeling.
I want to be supportive but learn how to put healthy boundaries in place without it feeling like ultimatums to my person.
thank you
The lies were very hurtful
I love your content. It has helped me be educated about addiction on both sides of the addict and the loved one. What days do you do live videos? I would love to participate.
Thanks! Hi I go live on Thursdays at 1pm eastern. And occasionally I do extra unscheduled episodes
Super helpful and insightful! Thank you so much for talking about such important topic!
My pleasure Samanta, Glad it was helpful!
@@PutTheShovelDown ❤️
Fantastic video! Absolutely true
Thanks for watching!
My brother became verbally abusive. At one point (he got me so mad I was physically shaking!) I had to block him for about 4 or 5 days. He had zero respect for my boundaries as far as phone calls. Called at any time in the morning/night. Called 10/12 times a day - every hour. I'd say i'm at work, i'll call you later and he'd call right back in an hour or two like we hadn't just talked, (and pretend there was something so important it couldn't wait.) and then again in another hour or two! Then send verbally abusive texts about why don't I answer my phone and call me names. Insane!
Then, after spiraling out of control and losing almost everything in his life, including near-homelessness, he calls me sober and I spoke to my actual brother for the first time in 6 months.
Then I was really emotional! It was easier to practice tough love when he was an a^^hole!
Wow!!! Thank you for this video .
They don’t have to be an addict to show they don’t love you.
They can't help it, so much pent up rage, and frustration!
My GOD this is so so so true!!!! My niece that me and my raised turned me in to the bad guy.. Because I do enforce the boundaries and respect… ugh 😩 she is on suboxines and thinks she is clean - I am so sick of her delusions and can’t deal with it, it’s so toxic and exhausting… now she has her daughter who we raised 9 of ten years and has completely brain washed her to hate us now in 2 months!!!! I’m disgusted
That would be completely maddening!
So glad I found this channel it's helping me to at least understand. I'm leaving my spouce I just want to get what remains of the assests divided so I can get this person out of my life, I'm tired of being told nothing he did or s still doing was/is "that bad" and the people he wanted and wants me to be around "aren't dangerous" for God sake we had to flee town for a while because we were being threatedned by a violent phycopath. He is absolutly delusional.
Thank you for this video, I have many family members that drink, a few hurt their spouses and kids… My mom and stepdad hurt me and my 3 younger siblings… I never fully understood why my mom and stepdad did this… but I understand so much better… So thank you for this video. ❤
You're so welcome. 💖
@@PutTheShovelDown Seriously, it really means alot of how you explained it, with both viewpoints, it makes so much sense… ❤ I understand my mom and stepdad better, the next time they snap and hurt me and my siblings…
I've been watching a couple videos here and there since yesterday, when I've had the spare time. ❤
Thank you so much again! ❤
This was so helpful, thanks so much
This is the best explanation I have ever heard.
Wow! thanks Christopher
Great explanation and now I have a better understanding.
Excellent💖😁
I lived with an alcoholic for 4 years never felt love ...
LOL I see your Holy Cow picture in the background. :) Your videos are helping me soooooo much, dealing with my hubby that's starting to come home drunk. Thank you for taking time to make these videos!
My husband is a chronic alcoholic. He and me got separated today..
I tried to help him for 14 years and I felt I am no more I am..I decided to get separated..I don't know if I done it right for me and our daughter..I don't know..
You have done right, I stayed with my alcoholic husband and it was the biggest mistake of my life it damaged by two kids, they have both had to have counselling as adults it still affects them, you were brave to leave
@1:14, this is so true. That's why I choose me everytime anytime. Especially when your life has been put in danger more than once. They hate to see you go but love to watch you walk away.
Good explanation of a complicated situation.
Thanks Paula!
Thank you so much for your videos!
You are so welcome!
I realize he has never truly been sober in the 10 years we've been together. I dont even know who he is sober. He is super functional but dying. So thin and sickly. The family doctor isnt a big help. He had me help him detox for 3 days. Then turned around took his truck to buy alcohol and I caught him hiding the drink...again. 😪. I see people every day making the choice to get sober and see people beating it. I'm lost.
Hi Christine, I'm wondering if he was doing anything to address the psychological part of the addiction? Detox alone, is of minimal value.
@@PutTheShovelDown he has not. He said he will go to treatment but as of yet I've only heard excuses as to why this place or that place is not good. Pride is a problem...
He doesn't know who he is so how can he possibly show you? He most likely wants to stop but does not know how. The craving to drink is uncontrollable. Making the choice is stop requires a divine intervention. Beating it is a life long journey of work to retrain the brain and heal from past trauma. Life is trauma......for all of us. Some of us are predisposed to the addiction, some of us turn to it for coping skills that progress into the addiction. Either way, it is a disease of the mind, body and soul. All three need to be treated. I will pray for him. He most likley needs 30 days, not 3 and 12 step meetings.
God Bless
Sometimes there’s a lot more mental health issues than meets the eye. If he’s putting forth the effort to go to detoxes and try to understand his alcoholism then best believe he really cares and he’s just as baffled as you are. It’s OK to admit that you can’t emotionally deal with being with an addict. It’s difficult, it’s difficult to be an addict and it’s difficult to be with one.
I appreciate your content, thank you.
I appreciate you taking the time to leave this nice feedback! Thanks Amy 😁
This just makes it seem so hopeless..
Kinda is
Loved this!!!!
Yay! I'm so glad😁😁😁
My dad is a recovering alcoholic for 25 years. He has never apologized for being a lousy father during that period and will resort to saying “I don’t remember.” If you are a recovering addict please apologize to everyone you have affected and hurt even if you “Don’t remember.”
Yes I get the silent treatment!
They don't care about u when there in addiction state. 😔 That's crazy!!!
good content.... very informative... thanks
So nice of you
My alcoholic father rang me up during COVID asking for help with an apartment move.
Literally blackmailed me and started pointing fingers.
Cut him off and he went even further.
He spread rumours to my boss at work that i was a drug addict.
Almost destroyed my life
I'm a school teacher
Thank you 🙏🏾
Thank you so much sharing these videos. They have been a light. I am wanting to reach out to you and your team as sadly we are on this journey with someone we love.
Hi Nancy, thank you so much for the kind feedback. We’d be happy to help any way that we can. You should see some links in the video description that tell you how to connect with us. You can also visit our website hopeforfamiliesrecoverycenter.com
Thx u for this video helped me out of to understand why my ex did that to me
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for watching!
Do they ever recover? Will they always be morally compromised? Lately Im thinking that part of their brain that covers integrity will never be the same as someone whose never been addicted.
No they don’t I am sorry.😇
@@tessamurphy987 well as an addict this straight up gives me very little hope. If I get off this alcohol and drugs. Sure I won’t be as dependent on something but what’s the point when my brain is still going to be horrible at talking to family members or will always be morally compromised.
They can be born again. JESUS died for all sinners, even drug addicts and alcoholics.
@@Anglerallday if you pray to Jesus Christ and believe in Him, He will be your hope. I was completely off the rails before and very self destructive but Jesus has delivered from it all, given me a new life, a new heart and a new purpose. Complete change is possible but only through Jesus Christ. He makes all things new and the impossible possible. I am a completely different person than before. Being born again as a Christian is a spiritual rebirth, a miraculous change into a new person and is available for every human being who wants it. You just need to pray to Jesus Christ and ask Him for help and that will begin your transformation. It will happen to you too just like me, believe!
Drug/alcohol addicted people are damaged people , (aside hereditary) some drink to be out of a situation and when it’s a no it’s turns bad so bad