When to Walk Away From A Relationship With An Addict Or Alcoholic
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- čas přidán 8. 07. 2024
- Being in a relationship with someone struggling with an addiction to drugs or alcohol is like being between a rock and a hard place. You realize they're sick, and you want to support them, but staying is also destroying you. This video looks at four situations where when you should walk away from someone with an addiction to drugs or alcohol.
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After watching him practically dying my arms I realize that he was no longer the person I fell in love with. He was a shell a broken empty human being. I love him, but I love me more. I have to. Leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, but I know it will lead me to the love and happiness I deserve.
I can tell this was deeply, painful for you.
My girlfriend is a chronic alcoholic and had frequently begun begging me to stay, guilt tripping me into being with her during withdrawals, despite having been to hospital twice in a month for complications. I hate seeing her suffer but when she says she is tapering she just gets black out drunk and makes herself worse. I no longer feel sad, and instead am just angry at her pain, her alcoholism is beginning to control my life. Should I leave? Am I a bad boyfriend for being no longer willing to stay at her every whim?
@L B
I am really sorry
So 👍 true
@@TheMindIlluminated Definitely leave her. She will only make your life a living hell. You are not bad. You are great for leaving her.
Another sign is when you actually don't want to go home after work because you are tired but you know you will have drama all evening.
That's a good one!
I used to be that person. Hated driving home from work.
Been there
Exactly!! But for me, driving home I always imagine it will somehow be different, but it never is
In my case, my partner tells me this alot BUT!! It's not because I start drama, it's because he loves alcohol and would rather spend 20hrs with his work mates and work and drinking 6 days a week. Rather spend 1 day with me & my kids. 😎 I feel sorry for him. Only reason I let him come back home for my babies otherwise I wouldn't care tbh.
I don't drink alcohol much and when I do its only a few bottles maybe once a year 😂😂
I had to make him leave. I couldn't take it anymore. He literally stressed me out every single day to the point of my mental health declining
You can't carry on like that. Don't go back
@@charleneclark1817 never will
@@n8vscience842
One day you will find someone who will respect you
How did you get him to actually leave?
This is me right now 😭
I was married to an alcoholic. A very destructive and self destructive person. I got out quickly, however I had to put very high clear boundaries in my life. My main issue is the lying and the crazy making behavior. You constantly have to prove you love them over and over again everyday. They mistreat you, trap you, sabotage you, threaten you, and never give what they expect from you on the daily. There is so much self pity, loathing, talking in circles, chaos, it is just something I can not and could not ever tolerate again. This is not love, it is fear of abandonment, control, tantrums, and a person that refuses to take responsibility, face their actions, their shame, and they are always going to be afraid that they will push you to the point of leaving, so they treat you as if you are leaving them every day. This can be a seriously dangerous situation and I truly wish that people would take it more seriously. They destroy so many lives, and at the end of each day mutter how everyone has hurt and betrayed them.
Wow... Muy cierto!!
I totally understand your experience. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you this is very accurate
You wrote this so well. If I had a diary it would be the same but I think your wording is better than mine. Then I feel guilty for going no contact. Don’t forget that moment of insanity. Right? I hope you’re smiling at the calmness of the moon with your angels around you.
This is going to sound a little crazy, but what you wrote actually applies to my drug addicted adult son. He was living with me for 9 months and he did everything you described, although I am his mom and not a spouse/girlfriend. It's like he treated me just like he did his two wives. He blamed me for everything that is wrong with him, when he wasn't blaming them. But, oh my, everything you said is spot on!
I was married to my alcoholic ex 17 years. Spent the last 4 years preparing to leave and working on my exit plan. Very hard to leave with 3 kids. But I did it :) He was in denial. I won’t bother to mention all the things he did as if you are reading you probably have an idea. I am angry I wasted so much time with someone who loved his drugs and alcohol more. But I am happy alone. And I hope to meet someone who will truly love me. We all deserve that.
Congratulations on leaving and doing the right thing ❤
Thank you for sharing.
You have any tips to prepare to leave safely when they financially abuse you too?
It's important to mention another critical reason to leave, which is if the relationship is making you physically ill or not able to function normally.
I totally agree!
Yes I’m having a hard time focusing at work. Not eating right. I’m not sleeping right. It’s horrible.
I've actually walked out of my job due to the mental stress from our separation in March 2022. My husband destroyed me, I didn't even notice at the time. I tried to co-parent and he just kept control of me and my emotions. Almost a year later I'm still struggling with walking completely away from him.
@@GrayWithMe me too. I was working well by end of Dec last year, I was really on a roll with my business and was positive and really looking forward to this year as I was certain that momentum will roll over into this year. the holidays came and Christmas night was a nightmare... two weeks later another drunken episode happened. Since then I can't concentrate on my business. I am anxious, I don't sleep well even after moving into my children's bedroom for weeks now, and at work I can do one task a day, sometimes none, whereas last year my days would be so productive. It's like I have been crippled just like that
I would rather not wait until it gets to the point of physical illness
Addiction is absolutely draining on all levels...exhausting..as family we get to a point where we cant do this anymore..
This is where I'm at now. I literally cannot take it anymore and I just want him to leave me alone and he just won't.
Can I say that I did not think it would be me. I been on drugs but did not see how it affected others. Being in a relationship with someone who got caught with a drug has been an eye opener. It was draining, guilty, condemning, judgmental and everything I tried not wanting to be but became.
You should walk away regardless and here is why!
"If we find ourselves in relationships with liars, cheaters, or abusers, our job is not to convince them to stop lying, to stop cheating, to stop abusing us. Our only job is to leave."
If they are mentally, emotionally, psychologically abusing you, it doesn't really matter why. Leave ...
Most addicts will have to lie and abuse you, use crazy making techniques to get what they need for a fix quickly. Stop making excuses for them and letting them into your life period. It really doesn't even matter why they are abusing you; they are abusing you, leave.
I really wish people would stop convincing people to stay, help., save the addicts. I am sorry, but you are just teaching people to accept abusive behavior. People are being taught to save their abusers, help their abusers. If they are abusive, they are abusive, leave. Lying is abusive, it is manipulative and crazy making behavior, it is emotional abuse, leave. It does not matter that they are lying because they are an addict. Stop tolerating this behavior. Stop teaching people to tolerate this behavior.
Trust is earned or lost, stop giving it!
Great points 😅👍👍
🎯💯💯💯
My!!! 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗
Another very important reason to leave is if they do not view their use as a problem, are in denial about their addiction, and do not plan on seeking help. When you love someone you can spend years hoping and wishing that they'll eventually get clarity and make concrete steps to get better. It hurts so much to have that wish for them, and never have it come to fruition despite witnessing them in several dark periods. You can only watch them hit rock bottom so many times before you have to say "enough is enough, I love you but I'm walking away for MY health and wellbeing."
I’ve been away from my ex gf for a few months now. She was a very physically abusive alcoholic. Now that I’ve been away from her I feel like a such a fool to give her so many chances. It’s so embarrassing at this point. Thank you for your videos.
It is very hard to see things clearly when your in the middle of the storm. Sometimes you have to get some distance to be able to think clearly
My girlfriend left me back in may because shes a cocaine addict well drugs in general now I distance myself from her she changed on me and now she pays no mind to me
Don’t be embarrassed for loving someone.
I understand. I’ve been listening to the cries of the wolf for a year now .. I’m done, now he’s stalking me
Me too!!!
15 years and I’m so so lost. I told him today that I can’t do this anymore. It jeopardizes my sobriety, my health, and my mental state. I loved him from minute one. I just told him that I have to leave. I am truly powerless. I lost my
Mother to alcoholism no my husband.
My adult child has taken my personality to a very depressed state of mind at this time 💜🙏🏼😞
Mine also, so busy trying to understand his addiction, and why it happened I can think of nothing else is my fault is it somebody else’s he won’t talk about it he won’t get help for it and now more than ever. He spends more time in psychosis, so you can’t speak to him about itand he’s getting dangerous to be around. I am at a loss as to what to do.
I met a girl over the summer and we hit it off great. Over time her drinking just kept getting worse and she would say the most hateful disrespectful things to me. I watched her go further down the drain and I had to leave. I hated to, but my own health was going down with her.
It's really hard, especially when you can see how wonderful someone is (without the substance). 😥
Me too, but my problem is we have two kids. Girl (Alice -7yrs) Boy (Chhana- 2 yrs). I don't know what to do..
I know how you feel. I still love my ex but can't be with him.
@@puiaturuburu906 Wow. Y'all need to do a better job choosing who you date and marry!
@@brightwinter9334 so rude dude ! They dont show it at first. You need to learn empathy.
I’ve stood by my boyfriend for three years now, in the past 6 months I’ve seen him crash a brand new 70k truck, go into debt, stop going to work, can’t go to work, sick all the time due to his drinking. I’ve lost not only my best friend but also my money and sanity.
😯😯😯😌😥
Girl,what are you doing? Leave
I have a baby girl with an alcoholic and my pregnancy was a hell because of him.He always lies and leaves us because he wants to drink.He also talks to other women when he drinks,he doesn't respect me and he always says that it is all my fault.I am the only person who has tried to help him with his addiction and what i got in return? Nothing,so please don't do the same mistake with me.Leave him
I’m in a similar situation to you, sending my love, it’s so tough
Unbelievably sad.😢
Thank you.
I’ve been doing this “dance” with my husband for 10yrs and I can’t do it anymore. I laid down a boundary two years ago when he was in rehab again….one more sip and our marriage was over.
I found out after Christmas that he has been drinking - is drinking again. He has no remorse - none. And if I don’t end the marriage, I’m only enabling him and allowing him to continue his destructive behavior with me riding shotgun.
I am completely devastated. I believed him - I really didn’t think he would drink again…but here we are - and it’s my fault per him….of course it is. It’s always someone else’s fault…never his.
My heart goes out to anyone that’s going thru this too…you’re not alone.
Thank you!!! I needed to hear this. All 4 of these are a factor. I made him leave last night. Staying strong! 💪 “I have a duty to protect my child!” 🙏
@Chelsea Hicks good for you! I literally did this morning so tired of coming home from work and getting physically attacked by an Alcoholic who has had so many chances. 10 years of this lost my spirit
I am getting ready to do that this weekend. I know he’s going to be silent, then he’s going to yell and that’s when I need my strength to not let him manipulate me. When you’ve cried, begged for your spouse to get help and they are silent, then just keep repeating the same hurtful manners. What chose do I have? I have to protect my three girls. I would never ever want them to be married to a man like their father and that’s really sad to say.
My boyfriend is an alcoholic and you are completely right about them showing the good and the bad part of their personality and it affects everyone around me. I just came home because he started being aggressive and kept insulting me. It is actually really difficult to actually find a way to break-up with these people, they just don’t leave. 😔
You're right Jonila! It's not easy at all 😥
Y'all need to do a better job choosing people!
@@brightwinter9334 i moved to another country so yeah, progress!
@brightwinter9334 the fact you posted this on multiple comments, makes me think your an abuser...and you need to be kicked off your high horse, because your shallow for even saying this to anyone...let alone multiple abused people.
I feel sorry for you because you must love in constant hate.
Do the world a favor and LOG OFF
Thank you. Reason why I left - irrational thinking and I can’t be around that. My safety is no longer guaranteed. Mind, body and soul … I worked so hard to better ME. I choose ME 💯
I grew up in the hood and made it my business to work hard and stay away from alcoholics and drug addicts I had a friend that grew up in the suburbs his mom and dad gave him everything handsome guy people would give him everything he finally got hooked on drugs and lost everything at a good job and I asked him why did you start messing with drugs he said I was bored I said have you lost your damn mind I have always stayed far away from drug addicts and alcoholics and guess what I am 60 years old now and I live a wonderful life you have to hold people accountable help them for certain degree protect yourself your sanity and your home, people have to carry their own load, how many women and men came out of the concentration camps and made wonderful lives for themselves, people have a right to do drugs and destroy their lives I have a right to protect my sanity my home my wallet and my peace and Tranquility hold people accountable
I have never had mental problems but this situation is giving me anxiety and panic attacks. I am scared of going home and scared of staying home on the weekend. I am trying to help him but it seems like he is not as convinced as I am. I need to try everything I can to help him and use my love into it before I make a decision.
Excellent video... Thank you so much for sharing that. The part that resonated the most with me is that I didn't realize how addicted I was to their ups and downs because I always waiting to see the better part of them and know it will return... Just like you said as it progresses and gets worse the good times are less and less.
Thanks again for posting
You are so welcome, Bobby!
Ll
Hey you might look into peptide addiction. I went through that too during the relationship and even after it.
I felt that way too-"addicted to him"... I kinda liked his different personalities/ voices
I have been neglected so much because of my own issues with mental health disorders. It's heartbreaking that I've been mistreated so I wouldn't want to do other people like that. HOWEVER, I wish I had heard this a year ago! I would NEVER live with an addict ever again!! Save yourself! Especially if you have mental illness like depression or anxiety. It's going to be impossible to stay mentally healthy. This guy scored 4 for 4!! He was a devil! My lack of self-love perpetuated my suffering. It's okay to be alone.
Verbal abuse, losing myself, history of lying, harming my children… I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I keep taking steps forward for him to pull me back. I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m lonely most of all. 😓
Lonely... The worst part isn't it?
My son was drinking last night and drove like that. After he came home I told him not to drive its dangerous. He told my other son his brother I was harassing him. He said other things that were terrible. So i woke up this morning feeling like i don't care what he does anymore.. and i want to live by myself.
In my story, I was the addict. I knew I'll bring her too much pain if this area of my life wasn't handled. When I knew I was failing, I try to break it off with her a thousand times.. But we both were persistent people who were not going to give up.. Eventually it cost her so much.. I watched her losing hope, becoming shutdown and closing me off for good..
I was always "Didn't I warn you it would come down to this..? Why didn't we give up when we could"
She has moved on from me but I don't think she has moved on in life yet. I want that for her very much. I wonder if there is anything I can do to help her.. But its like the best I can do for her is never to interrupt her life again
I'm finally healing for good and I hope my healing will give her the subconscious permission to heal as well.
May us all find the peace we seek in our heart..
walked away after two years of drama, arguments, love, hope, failure, broken promises, arguments, arguments and more arguments. Arguments from thin air. She binged for ten days, sometimes two weeks at a time. Stopped eating, soiled herself, crashed her car, said she had been raped, drug use. This was going on for twenty years in her life. There was a lot of love between us. One thing I have found is that it is only now, two months after finally breaking free that I am able to try and get any handle on the damage it did to be and the wounds it has left in me. As hard as it now is and the trauma I am trying to get through, I always arrive back at the same point; that no matter what, I'm lucky I got away from her.
@burning4902 Good on you for looking after yourself and you're extremely lucky you got away, even though it's not easy, at first!
It's important to add that people aren't able to love anyone, including themselves, while dependent on alcohol and/or other drugs, so many couples end up breaking up if the person does stop drinking etc. 🙁
Was in a toxic relationship w an addict on Feb 16, 2021 and actually beside myself that day after a horrible weekend out of town. Think an addict won't be an addict out of town? Oh yes they will. It took me several months to process it but only 63 days to actually leave. Be careful leaving an addict especially if they also display other mental health concerns as they will target various ways to make your life tough for leaving them (false police reports/ actions, withhold property, etc). Cut your losses and move forward with your life, you will thank yourself in the near future. Love is an action not a word. If there are children involved please stop being selfish and think of them.
I was about to go to bed. I often hole up in a corner and fall asleep whenever and wherever listening to sermons on helpful scriptures. I was led back to your comments. I read them all on this thread. It was as if someone took pages from my journal and went down the page posting days and events from my life. I thought I was alone. No one understands what I am going through. Temper tantrums or verbal sucker punches out of nowhere lead to insincere apologies- then a week later more emptiness, more sucker punch more drunk. And like many of you I’ve stayed and I can’t explain why. In Feb he lost his son and only child/32 y.o. to a fentanyl overdose. So now he uses it as an excuse and doubled down on the liquor and outbursts. But he would have been drunk anyway. And I am afraid to live here anymore. I’m afraid to come home after work. Not because he is physically violent. But because of the unstable mood idk if the night will be regular shitty or extra curricular shitty. He minimized his unspeakable last outburst to people we know. And tells them “I just need something to bitch about constantly” And is continuing a friendship with a dude who talks awful behind my back. Y’all- I promise there’s so much I could match you word for word. I thought I was completely alone. Everyone abandoned me to rescue this fker. And I’m just sitting here in my room alone seeing you. And thank you for sharing so I can see I’m actually not alone. You probably saved my life. 😢
Hello,
I am new here. 11 years in recovery and I started my own CZcams channel 6 weeks ago. I like your videos so far.
Hi Seth, welcome to our little community. Glad to have you.
@@PutTheShovelDown have you done any videos on spirituality in the recovery community?
I don't know you but I'm proud of you for sobering up ♥️♥️
I’m going through this situation now😔 Been going through it for our entire marriage ( almost 30 years)
That's a long time, Kimberly 😪
I feel ya sis. 34 years myself and now an addict son too.
Went through that as well with my oldest daughter for over 10 years now luckily she is coming up on 2 years sober, thank god!
I've been married for 42 years to a "functional" alcoholic who is a hard worker but an alcoholic. He is 62, I am 60 - he has had 2 heart attacks, now he has 2 Aneurysms, high blood pressure, he also is pre-diabetic. I feel like I am watching him slowly kill himself!
Wow 30 years is a long time! You just let me know that my wife will put me through this for that long if we survive that long and if I allow it😓
I made the mistake of getting in a relationship with a drug addict! He quit when we got together but the damage was already done! His mind was rotted and he had no empathy and I had no idea how I ended up with such a person! I was traumatized when it ended but I've slowly been realizing it was my saving grace him leaving!
I have been a "silent viewer" for months now... I swear, you must have a psychic 🔮 look in to my life at the moment. You have been extremely helpful. Thank you.
Hi Nicolepages5! I'm glad you came out of hiding! 😉😁
My alcoholic husband played a destructive role in our family which culminated in our sons suicide. This happened recently and I now have to leave. I believe I am trauma bonded as I have wanted to leave for so long but always caved to his short term improvements.
I hope things are somewhat better now.
So sorry for the loss of your son xx
I’m so sorry for your loss!
God bless you
I am so sorry this happened to you and your son, god rest his soul. I hope you are coping. I have left because I worry about my son in particular in relation to the affect of his dad not coming home etc.
I literally didn't recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
The most painful experience I’ve ever had losing the love I thought would be forever.. because she didn’t even exist anymore 😢 💔
This is the 2nd time my partner of 11 years went to rehab and he’s doing good right now after getting out 3 days ago but for the first time i set a boundary for myself. I mentally can’t deal with it and it’s so confusing cause i remember always feeling like “this is the time! He’s going to actually change” then he doesn’t and I’m let down. I’m feeling that right now but i need to put myself first. I became so codependent to HIS issues, HIS happiness, HIS wants and needed i forgot about my own. It’s like i molded myself around him to accommodate us being together. This time around while he was in rehab i realized that everything I’m doing alone is what I’d be doing while he WAS around. Cooking and eating alone cause he’s come home late “from work”, laundry alone, going out with others not him cause he didn’t want to, paying of everything basically cause “he doesn’t have it ”, taking care of the house. That’s when i finally hit me and the mess I’ve been in. It’s like there has always been a “reason” to why he is the way he is. First time around he was so mean, would lie, always ask for money etc. i still felt all this pain but it’s excused cause he was an alcoholic. Now, it’s like dejavu! All the pain he has caused me again i have to keep in mind he was popping pills and no himself. To the point that Im getting brainwashed to feel like I’m giving up on him but i gave up on myself a long time ago. I’m finally learning myself again and being okay and feeling complete by myself. I really want him to do well cause i love him but i can’t sit around waiting for him to become the person i “want/need” him to be ESPECIALLY while i breakdown in the process.
Exactly what I went through with my ex. It's sad to know that there's a high chance he'll never change but it will be worse if he's gonna drag me with him. I'm happy that I left. Sending you love❤
I lost a friend due to alcoholism because she died. I wasn't able to say goodbye to her. Her daughters didn't even have the decency to tell me she had died. She was also a narracist. I decided that I deserved a better friend. RIP Nancy starr.
My husband is a functional alcoholic. He is a lawyer and has a stressful job. He is a nice person when he is sober. Every day he back home, he starts drinking and falls asleep. when I ask him do not drink. He always argue like I did not do anything wrong, I just drink and fall asleep. If you do not like it, divorce me. I do not feel happy in this marriage anymore and I got tired of his alcohol issue, so we eat separately and sleep separately. He tries to hide his issue from his family, friends, and doctors. I just cannot tolerate it anymore. I try to use my time focusing on my career and get a higher income job to support myself when I make up my mind to get a divorce.
Hope you left.
I’m still going through this but it’s starting to take a huge toll on me and work ethic. Every time I say something he just tells me well you met me like this. I’m tired of it I just want to be happy but don’t know how too leave 💔
Hi Svr Ram, This comment inspired me to make a new video titled "Gaslighting statements that addicts make". because that's totally what he's trying to do! 😫💔 I actually made a 2 part video series about this. It will be coming out next month. Thanks for the inspiration!
Thank you for this! Trying to stay strong but love doesn’t go away overnight. 💔
You are so welcome, Ada! Hang in there💗
I honestly empathize with this alot. I thought that i could handle the toxic behavior if i knew it was coming but unfortunately i was wrong
Over 7 years, and I kept hoping and praying that he would change. HE DID NOT! So I finally had the courage and strength to call the cops on him and kicked him out. My heart still hurts tho.
I THINK it's a pity we feel towards them because we love them more than ourselves...and we shouldn't, because clearly they don't love anything more than that beer.
Hi, I just discovered your video. I had a boyfriend once that said “I can’t make a promise to you when this will end, I will always crave this” and that was it for me. He told me it would stop at a certain time and he was still “weening off it”. I knew I deserved better and just had to walk away. It was shocking because we had a great relationship outside of his addiction.
I'm sure that was a hard decision to make, but you sound confident about it!
Same thing with me. There are times when he said he needs to go to rehab and that he was going to rehab, but after a little over a year, still no real action taken. Then he said that he can’t promise he’ll ever go and that I shouldn’t count on that happening. Says maybe he will one day, but can’t promise that. I know I won’t be happy in a relationship with an active alcoholic so I, too, had to make the difficult decision to walk away.
This is exactly what my boyfriend is saying to me. "I'll always have an addiction to something" "I have to taper myself off it" "I have control and I'm functional". Everything he says makes me want to leave. But we have 3 kids who love their dad. I can't imagine life without him, but I can't live my life like this. Such a hard position to be in.
@@Blakesmommy2010 that’s such a hard situation Megan I can’t even imagine. Your kids will always love their dad because that is forever. I hope you can focus on what you want also because you are important too❤️
@@robins3672 I know someone who was in this situation and was heartbreaking. Almost 10 years of promises, nothing happened to change and drinking got exponentially worse etc. So after 'wasting' all those precious years and being given nothing but excuses, this person finally left the alcoholic and this time for good. The individual refused to alter their lifestyle for anyone and do the partner realized that there was absolutely nothing more they could do and left this person behind with everything and then started out again, themselves, this time with nothing and moved on. These types will SAY anything to get you to return but it doesn't work out very often especially without serious ongoing intervention and lifestyle changes. I guess this (alcoholic) person was too sick to change on 'his' own terms and thus refused to give up any control 'he' believed 'he' had. Lost a wonderful, loving partner because of it, again.
This is exactly what I needed to hear today! An answer to a gnawing question that I’ve been grappling with!! So grateful for you! 💜💜💜
😁😁😁😁Thanks Saskia! I'm glad you liked it.
I finally decided to leave tomorrow. I don’t recognize myself anymore, I got health problems, but I turned that crazy woman I never thought I’d be. but my heart hurts of the idea of leaving my dog with him. I can’t bring him with me since I don’t have where to go. 😭 it’s time to be brave
I needed this! I was a person that was happy and now I am miserable getting up. He is constantly being verbally abusive. He had thrown a frying pan through my wall. He tried to keep me by saying he would go to detox. But I have grown to detest him.
So sorry you're in that situation, MsCrobin2 😥
I dated someone for a couple years and I watched him be the sweetest to the meanest person alive. Physical and emotionally abusive toward me at times. His drug addiction was out of control we share a child together. So I walked away thinking tough love was the cure, because I was always trying to protect him. But I could not allow his addiction to affected our child. Then after the break up. He really went into self destructive behaviors. I wanted so bad to do something more to help. Sadly a couple of weeks ago. He lost his battle, due to an accidental overdose. I'm in shock because my mom always warned me this would happen. Now I wish I could've done more. But I had to remove myself out of the situation. In hopes he would get better, also so he would not hurt now he's gone.
This is my worst fear. My ex gf of two and a half years…she’s losing her battle. I’m just waiting at this point to hear the inevitable tragic news. Makes me want to shrivel up and die as I type this. I just don’t know how else I can help her anymore, I’ve tried everything. I haven’t been perfect, but I did what I could. Makes me want to cry and lay in bed for weeks. Fuck.
@@oahts5906 ITs NOT YOUR FAULT! You don't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It is THEIR FAULT. They could have helped themselves or reached out for help if they couldn't but they believed their own lies. It was their lies that killed them.
Amber is SO spot on with this. This video is literally saving my life. Thank you so much!! 😭🙏💖
You're so welcome, Zipit!
Eight years being in a relationship with a recovering heroin/fentanyl addict. The heroin use began after we started dating. He has been on suboxone and clean for about three years now. However, he drinks every single night when he comes home from work and on the weekends, and constantly vapes. It's like his addiction just evolved into a new one, and he is argumentative when inebriated. There can't be any accountability if he forgets what we agreed on at the end of an argument. The drinking triggers me especially because my previous longterm relationship was with a severe alcoholic who eventually took his own life. I have already confronted him and told him that the drinking is aligned with dependency and he is giving excuses. I don't know how much more I can take. I am so tired and he is not my responsibility.
I can only imagine how exhausted you must be. Just when one addicted gets under control another addiction starts up. Here's my playlist on boundaries: I hope this helps you keep your sanity and protect yourself: czcams.com/play/PLaaJWwIpP_zaSO2T0UAQ7X5elGVsphwIV.html
Stop dating losers
@@SD-pi9co He's actually doing well, consider minding your own business
With what I've gone through with my husband being an alcoholic, I can't imagine it's any different than any other drug. It's just as bad. He's almost killed himself multiple times by accident, threatens suicide regularly, so drunk has hallucinations, he does little to nothing most days, vomits all of the time, and he's usually unenjoyable to be around...it's a nightmare. And he continually vapes too, especially when he's drinking. He became an alcoholic after we were married and had kids. My advice is to gtfo of a relationship with the addict if you can...especially if you don't have kids and are financially able. There is absolutely no reason for you to stay.
When you work on yourself and value yourself you won’t accept dysfunctional and destructive relationships. Coming from experience.
You keep it down to earth and real. Great job!
Hi there-I’m new. I’m in a new relationship and have been observing what I believe to be red flags regarding alcohol addiction/substance abuse. Being that it’s so new, I don’t feel the need to invest any other time or energy into it. Since this wasn’t disclosed to me beforehand, I don’t feel the need to stick around and be supportive. I’ve learned lessons the hard way in past relationships by thinking I can “fix” someone. I worked very hard to heal before I starting dating again so I don’t impose on my new partner, I think it’s fair to expect that someone manage their issues before dating me.
Thank you Fran!
Hey D D do you have an update? Did you leave? I recently broke it off w a guy too once I noticed his patterns. It was very new and I didn't want to invest in a relationship that could possibly damage me. I feel a bit of (guilt?) not sure that is the right emotion but I also don't want to fix anyone either.
I dated someone that had red flags, I observed him for a few months and said this guy always smelling alcohol and sweat through his pores. That’s alcoholism, I blocked him from my social media, phone etc etc. He began harassing me with fake accounts and then his family as well calling me names for leaving him broken heart. I told him, him, another reason for not going back with you besides alcoholism, you are a psycho, and your family is toxic too. You either leave me alone or I will take matters to court and your so lovely job at the embassy will in jeopardy. Never again heard from him .
I want to leave but can't afford it financially
I left with three kids and I’m still alive. My kids are adults now, believe or not, my ex husband stopped drinking years ago and we have a very friendly relationship now.
Same. Everything is ridiculously expensive around here.
Same here, I’m 77 years old and I have been married to my husband for 58 years. He is in very poor health and can hardly walk, but is drunk and verbally abusive most of the time. I am just stuck here with no way to separate our finances so I a leave. I love my home and do not want to leave it, so I just stay away from him as much as possible. I feel very broken. 😢
Best video for parents, including those raising grandkids, in making the hardest decision ever. Thank you!
You are so welcome!
I would also add if the person whos using has begun to or is involved in criminal activity..Its time to walk away.
Yes Driving while drunk is criminal, using illegal drugs is criminal, etc they are involved period. Thank you for pointing it out.
Yep. I went Crazy! I'm all good now. Thank you, Amber!😊 ✌❤🙏🏼
So glad! 😉
Same! Thank you Amber!
Love the straightforward deliveyr of your message. Thanks for the education and motivation to do what should have been done years ago.
I had to step back from my daughter. I hesitated because of my grandchildren; but I have been able to maintain a relationship with them with very little communication with their mom.
Hi Kim, it always makes it 10X harder when there are children involved!
I had to do the same with my daughter. I raise 2 of her children have for 13 1/2 years. After 22 years of off & on drug use, can’t do it anymore.
I am married with a person that have addiction with alcohol. Thanks for your Chanel and all the comments here. I am alone in this big country and hard to find someone who trust to talk about this feeling with all these things is help me making decisions. Information in this video it exactly what you have mentions it the pattern for people who addicted I moved all the way and be with him and I used to think he is my home, I felt guilty when I am happy, eat a good food when he was sicks at the hospital and miserable those causing from alcohol and effected to his stomach. And went to ER each time isn't cheap. I feel ugly to him his family and everyone I hope I can figure it out how to save myself and all I hope is for him to recover and get out of this hell and lives live happier than now. I am dealing with depression and this effect to everyone around
Hi Makarita, Here's a link to a video about the Trauma of Living With Someone Who Has An Addiction: czcams.com/video/_IIIebnumpg/video.html
I've binged these for hours.. thanks you.. seriously...
I'm so glad you're finding these videos helpful!
@@PutTheShovelDown addiction is sad.. truly..
I have no idea what to do. All of these things you mentioned apply and here I am - standing by his side. I’m not sure how much more I can take. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
This video and the comments have helped me so much. I love my partner very much, but he’s been in and out of addiction for almost 20 years. While his addiction is stressful and I worry for his health and safety, at his core he’s a good person who has done his best to be a loving and responsible partner. Reading different people’s experiences makes me realize how lucky I am despite his addiction, and has given me motivation to continue to support him through his recovery ♥️
Thank you! This was the video I needed!
My sister is an addict. I have had to cut her out of my life. My problem is that I love her but can't be around her because of her habit😢
Its hard but. I completely gave up because she broke my trust one too many time…and gaslights me
I'm walking away just planning my way out to cut down on drama
You're being smart about it.!
I can agree, the last year and a half I got to the point of black out drunk and physically abusive. Any sane person would have gotten help, unfortunately in our disease we are so destructive and insane. Best thing I ever did was get help and get away from the alcohol and the mindset of the alcoholic. I had to come to realize the alcohol was a symptom the problem, the actual problem was me and how I thought and my mindset. I had to change the person I was completely to the core w a lot of hard work and therapy.
Thank you for sharing some of your experience with us, Jason. It's super helpful. You've got lots of insight and humility.
@@PutTheShovelDown The only way I can stay healthy is to share what I was so freely given. My mission now is to reach out to other alcoholics still in addiction and hope that my experience will help them not have to go down the same road I went down, Have a blessed day
I can totally relate to the relationship being like a drug. This is how I feel I just want the good part of my addict . I can go into denial so easy and think it will be different this time or I can handle there addiction. I love the person so much. Then every time it ends with me seeing there delusional mentality. But it's like I'm just as delusional thinking it will be different. But I can see I am attached to a real life person and connection to them. They are attached to substance
You've got great insight, Jessica!
I feel exactly the same, was stuck in that cycle for 5 years, finally cut ties today after once again taking him back and finding him talking to other women and down playing drug use. Have now blocked him off all social media and phones. He's not the person I make believe in my mind.
Some days I felt I couldn’t be able to stay in the relationship with my partner, some days I felt I couldn’t leave him. I assume I’m not really ready to make a decision :(
I’m the same. Strength to you 💜
I feel the same way as you right now, I don’t know what to do anymore.
Same here 😑❤🕯
I feel the same. It’s hard when you see and know how great of a person they really are without the alcohol. It’s so hard.
Natural to want to rescue them from themselves.
I just found your channel, I’m so glad. My sister is an alcoholic and has been for many years. She can’t keep a relationship, she picks fights and then shuts me out. This time it’s been almost 3 months. What’s hard is she literally lives around the corner. I have to drive by her place and each time I’m either angry or emotional. I honestly don’t know what to do.
Hi Tracey, I also have a sister who struggles with addiction, but mine doesn't live near me. I'm sure that's VERY DIFFICULT!
Have you tried AlAnon?
@@jmg1972 no, I haven’t. I’m pretty private I don’t know I could
I been to the alanon meetings for family of addicted ones. And im trying but honestly the only time i could be at peace was when he my son was in rehab.
I totally understand where you're coming from, Marie!
Yes!!! I've been saying that- the inconsistent reinforcement makes it addictive.
So sick of him being pissed of against me for nothing 2 days out of 3; messaging me a bunch during work cuz he has nothing to do, then coming home seeing him drunk again. Keep apologizing the next day after verbal bullying me but keep repeating the same shit every single day. Used to think he's change, but now whether he changes or not, I don't want to make it my responsibility anymore.
I can tell that you're getting really exhausted by this cycle!
omg omg.. i am going the same situation. the day he is off i won’t hear from him bc he i getting drunk with his friends..
the day he works he would want to talk to me.. bc he misses me. he drag me but it makes me go hell
I’m going through the same thing and just left a few days ago 😔
He is the one with the alcohol problem and I have BPD, so a very bad combination I think. I think I'll have to let him go, because it will destroy me in the end 😔
Sometimes you have to do what's right for you!
@@PutTheShovelDown I know, but it's so hard 😢
Love this video ❤
Awwww thanks, Jenn!
Hi Amber! Thanks for all the great insight. The guy I’ve been dating for a few months now broke the news to me that he has been struggling with severe addiction and is now in rehab for the next few months and we can’t even communicate. I was blindsided and I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety about how he’s doing and how things will go when he gets out. I truly care for him and want to be supportive. It’s a lot to take in, and now I have to decide if this relationship is what’s best for me going forward. I appreciate all your videos! I’ve been trying to educate myself while he’s there so that I have at least some idea of what to expect.
Hi there
The anxiety is very bad. Try box breathing and lots of exercise to keep calm. It's a roller coaster experience.
It has only been a few months. Leave while you can. I wasted 17 years hoping and waiting. He needs to work on himself right now, his addiction comes first, including over you. Don’t learn that the hard way. There is nothing you can do or say to fix it for him. He already hid it from you and was not truthful from the start. Trust me, he will hide a lot more over the years.
My relationship made me sick, lazy and depressed. I am no longer letting this energy drag me down. I am slowly letting this go, it hurts but I can't put my energy into this anymore. I will be there for him but im mentally checked out.
Thank you so much. It really did help me a lot. Thank you so much for sharing ❤❤❤
You are so welcome!
Wow i needed this. Thank you
These videos are great! I use them personally and professionally a LOT!!
Thanks Leslie!
I left, said good bye. Told him I hope he treats the next person better. Can take lies and excuses.
I'm in a situation like this right now, but it is with my sibling. Everything you said, Amber, about destructive behavior being there even prior to the addiction is true in this case. Verbal abuse if I try to set a boundary, lying, playing the victim, manipulation, gaslighting, trying to pit me against her husband and vice versa, trying to use me as a therapist, rather than seeing one, etc. I sometimes feel stuck because we have no other siblings, attend the same church (so, we have a lot of mutual friends), and interacting with and caring for our elderly parents who live in the same town. I've tried being supportive and am just SO drained from this perpetual cycle. Yikes!
Thank you for your video finally I need to distance my life to my alcoholic husband that manipulate me, verbally, financial abusive ,he almost killed me in front of my kids😭 we been married for 18 yrs stressful marriage it's time to let him go.
Happy new years 🎆
I need this kind of channel. I need help setting boundaries with my husband who is an addict and also has really severe schizoaffective disorder
Thanks for clarifying this. 😢
I agree that lots of people tell you that if he/she has it rough enough, they will "come to their senses" and decide they do not want to be hungry, cold, lonely, dirty and dressed in dirty clothes anymore. Why would they want to sleep on a wooden park bench instead of in a soft, comfortable bed?
They sure will, Gwin!
@@PutTheShovelDown Aahh yes but the crux of the matter is: Does the addict want to come in from the cold and get clean and comfortable or drink beer on the wooden park bench in peace and quiet?
... idk though. there's a lot of addicts that hit rock bottom and they still do drugs.... It's a lifelong use for some addicts that can't stop.
Thank you for your videos. You’ve helped me more than you will ever know.
You are so welcome, Ryan. 😀
The entire time I'm listening to this im thinking 'He isn't causing FURTHER damage because he's going to change' and 'if he's going to change. Why am I considering leaving?'
If your leaving prevents him from changing, then he isn’t going to change in any real way.
Thank you for the video. I've been struggling to deal with my aggressive severely alcoholic partner for a while. Everything you've said I recognise in my relationship except I don't have kids with her. I think I want them, but I don't see it happening with her. I've lost both my parents to cancer and dementia in the last 6 months, and I feel like I've been abandoned by her.
During the making of your video was the time frame that my ex had gone crazy on me. (We are both men.) He was using meth and hiding it from me. Anytime I confronted him about it he would deny it. All the while he was accusing me of cheating on him, of hiding things from him. When I would go to work he would be ransacking the house looking for some kind of evidence that I was betraying him. When in reality he was betraying me with his drug addiction. He would barge into my room (we were sleeping separately because of this issue and other issues) In the middle of the night accusing me of doing something in my room that I wasn't allowed to do, like sneaking someone in the window or texting someone on the phone. When in reality I was just sleeping cause I had to get up early for the work the next day. I offered to leave my door open and then he said "no" he didn't want me to do that because I think he thought he was gonna catch me in the act if I had my door closed rather than open. One time while I was at work (and I can prove that I was at work) he thought he saw me outside at night time, in the middle of February, in the freezing cold and pouring rain having sex with somebody in the backyard....... I get home from work he's in tears and accuses me of doing just that ( previously mentioned) and ask me to just "tell him the truth" and I told him I was at work and of course he didn't believe me. I know now that he was having visual and auditory hallucinations because of the amount of meth he was smoking. He was driving me insane. It was the worst experience of my life. A living nightmare. Now a year later I am still dealing with the psychological fallout. I have been single for a year. I went on 2 dates and I just couldn't proceed beyond that. I feel emotionally and mentally damaged from this. We were together for 15 years and now I just I feel like I'm going to be single for the rest of my life because I can't get over this..... I feel traumatized. I am so lonely.
Omg this is exactly the situation I am in! My husband smokes meth and has been addicted for a few years now. He constantly accuses me of stuff Im not doing. Most of of its sexual. Like cheating and having sex and sneaking someone in the house. Has accused me several times of masturbating in the bedroom when Im in there reading. Claims he clearly heard the noises . Even accused me when I was dead asleep in the middle of the night. The auditory and visual hallucinations he has have drove me insane. Trying to explain to someone they are delusional is impossible. Just makes them more raged. The meth rage is scary. I cant deal with it anymore .
Thank you so much for this. i recently left the father of my child, who is only 7 months old, because he has been on a destructive path ever since i got pregnant. even though he loves his child very much and was eager to be involved, he would be absent when we really need him and even used in our home a few times and became verbally abusive. i feared for the safety of my child. he has since reached out to apologise, to say that he misses us and we should get married, and this has made me doubt my decision to leave. after seeing this video, I know I made the right decision.
If you stay you son will be like him. Run never look back they will never be good parents
So true , good advice
I am the alcoholic in the relationship I’ve been in. I am taking steps and in the program. I’ve done the first step, the hardest and most important one. I’m not in denial and accept it and surrendered. I hope a partner wouldn’t leave the alcoholic in this case
Definitely when it starts affecting, not just your mental health, but your physical health as well. Mental health can take a toll on your physical health.
Hi. I'm new. Thankful for the info.
You’re welcome 😊
Thank you. I just ended going to s bar scene and enrolled back into a rehab school today
I did not know them before their addiction, but they have even changed after 40+ years of the addiction.
Hi! I’m new. Love your videos. Our psychologist is shocked at how much denial my husband is in. Married 20 years. Awesome guy. Except beer issues. I care for my mom and our 3 teens at home. I asked him to live separate (for the 2nd time) because he agreed to zero tolerance, is drinking & driving & refuses any kind of help and refuses to see his drinking is a problem. He can control it, he says. 7 weeks ago he came home after 60 AA in 60 days, worked the steps, and made amends to a lot of family members. Said he was done. He’s now sneaking it again & lying. Painful to our kids. We talked with our psychologist. She said he was being very manipulative, gaslighting, and only pushing to “moderate” even though he clearly can’t. He’s in a hotel and still refusing to do any kind of work on this and wants back home with moderation. A year ago we got alcohol out of the house, then loving family intervention, 5 week outpatient 1/2 day program, then sneaking/lying, can control it again. Weekly drinking/driving, refusing help. Daughter has bipolar disorder. Need a stable home. What do I do?
I've been doing this work for almost 20 years and I still get surprised by the level of some peoples denial.
i am new to your channel.......it really is helping my husband understand our daughters addition and her manipulation
That's wonderful. Welcome to our little community!
Awesome video. Wish I had seen this a few years ago.
i gave up on him, today. i had to. i was so paranoid and suspicious....and all for good reason. he chose meth over myself and 3 beautiful daughters. he's living in a dope house sharing an addict female with several other men rather than living in a nice home with a family. he took everything, financially, and left my babies and i with nothing and no one after isolating me for over 3 years. i'm so hurt, and sad, and feeling worthless... but for my children, i am angry. i have nothing but indifference for him, for the hurt he has caused the older 2 and the way he has carelessly abandoned our toddler. i don't know how we will ever get by, financially or emotionally, or at all...every day, it takes whatever i have lef in my soul, jut to survive for my babies. if you're reading this, please pray for us.
Sending you prayers, Cassandra .🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 I know it's hard, but you're protecting your family.
How are you? Praying for you x
🙏🙏🙏
God bless you. ❤ My boyfriend is on meth too. I am trying to stick by his side , but it's rough. He still works and comes home but if I bring it up he gets excessively angry. The messed up part is the fact that his coworker is the one giving it to him for free. 😢
Wow. I didn't know so many situations are just like mine if not worse 😢. I recently left a 13 year "relationship" with a narcissist, A drug user and an alcoholic. Im having so much trouble "moving on" its not even funny. Having thoughts of returning to such uncomfortable, vile and disrespectful environment has me in a chokehold. If anybody and i mean anybody out there with some kind of sound advice that it will get "easier" will be much appreciated. I feel like im being tormented by the aftermath
Basically in a nutshell if you’re dealing with a Moran, the drink is a Addon.