How Do Drug Addicts Manipulate Their Loved Ones By Starting Arguments
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 4. 08. 2019
- I call this chapter of How Do Drug Addicts Manipulate, THE PUFFER FISH!
This is part 4 in our series on how addicts manipulate. Part 1 is about how drug addicts/alcoholics hide behind mental health problems.
Part 2 is about how drug addicts and alcoholics make their loved ones feel like they're the crazy ones (gaslighting). Part 3 is about how addicts and alcoholics split people against each other, and this one is all about how addicts and alcoholics get angry to make people back off. Be sure and watch the whole series!
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About Me/Us
My name is Amber Hollingsworth, and I worked in a private psychiatric hospital for 10 years. This facility provided acute care (short term) for serious mental health and Substance Use Disorders. I learned a LOT from my experience working in a psychiatric hospital. I got to see and treat almost every type of mental health and addiction issue you can think of, but it felt like a revolving door. I'd see the same people come in over and over and their families were absolutely desperate for help.
Unfortunately, the system isn't set up to help families in general. I did pretty much every job in that hospital that a counselor could do! I worked in detox. I developed and ran an adolescent substance abuse program. I worked sometimes worked on the unit with severe mental health patients such as Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personal Disorder, and many more.
In addition to working as a counselor in the inpatient facility and the intensive outpatient programs, I also served as Patient Advocate and Service Excellence Coordinator. The Patient Advocate is the person that gets called in when a patient or family member has a complaint. The Service Excellence Coordinator was the person who trained all new staff on providing excellent clinical and customer services.
These experiences gave me a unique perspective on the flaws of our mental health and substance abuse systems and also what needed to be done to correct them.
I don't want to make the facility out to be an inadequate facility. In fact, it was one of the better emergency mental health facilities. It just wasn't useful for creating long term recovery. You see, the system just isn't set up in a way that's conducive to creating sustainable long term change for individuals or families.
All this led to me deciding to leave the hospital and start my own addiction treatment center, specializing in addicted family systems. Over the years, I had developed lots of good relationships with other clinicians, and I knew who was the best! I put together a superstar team, and we now run out own outpatient addiction treatment practice called Hope For Families Recovery Center.
We've worked very hard not to tie ourselves to the "big system." We don't work for the insurance companies. We don't work for a hospital system, We don't answer to anyone except our clients, their families, and the licensing boards that provide us with our professional license. We have all Licensed Professional Counselors (LPC)-(which is mental health counselors) and also Licensed Addiction Counselors (LAC).
Our CZcams channel is our way of trying to help as many people as possible find the answers they need to beat addiction. We spend a ton of time and money, creating these resources and support that you find them valuable and will share them with anyone else you know who may need them. The educational library of addiction resources on our CZcams channel is completely free of charge and are readily available to any person or family who needs them. So please consider subscribing if you haven't already.
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I just stopped talking. No matter what I said the response wasn't worth the verbal attacks. I had to kick my son out. His stuff still here but it doesn't mean that all my problems are gone. It just means my heart's been broken and I'll have to figure it out because I've been going through this for so long. My son's 33 and unless I allow him to just use and abuse me he won't speak to me so he isn't speaking to me anymore. The ridiculous thing is is he goes to church three times a week. SMH
This was the only time đȘ had to get back to the most important part in a few years of the year I am not a good fit for this position as a student and would be very happy with my experience in order for me to get to know each of you more about when you can come and see what I have done to get back to me is a great way for you to get back in touch with me so that I have your correct email and phone numbers so that I have the right to send you a message to confirm the status of your application is not the case I will be able and I will send it work tomorrow morning to the address below to get a new one for you to use for
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Exactly! every time he does drugs he's picking a fight, gas lighting me, getting me all riled up then acting all cool himself then making me seem like I'm a psycho for losing my temper after he ruffled all my feathers. Not anymore!!!
"Not anymore!!!" Love it!
Same here
Omg. I just got out of a relationship like this. I thought he was cheating but he was not it was crack. Ghosting me, gaslighting, starting arguments and when I react to it I am wrong and he don't want to be with me. Smh. It is an exhausting relationship to be inđ€Šđż
@@tinawashington2325 I canât relate Iâve been goin through this for 9+ years and it has damaged me physically and mentally.
@@justineyako9210 sadly Iâm dealing with this right now but I was able to get them a lil help and they were sober for a bit but relapsed due to poor decisions and not having the willpower finally today I had enough and told them itâs rehab or else
I have been dealing with this gaslighting /manipulation for 3 years . Everything you are saying is spot on . Itâs MADDENING. I need to get the strength to LEAVE HIM
HI Stacy, sorry you're going through this. I think educating yourself about these things is one of the best things you can do. These manipulation tactics aren't going to work on you anymore!
This is been going on 10 years and I have three kids. No family and no where to go.
I have just left a man like this. Best thing I did. I feel lonely but I feel a freedom! Get your shit and go, let God take care of the rest. Seek him and trust him to provide. Your life is so precious â€ïž
@@ashleyhoward1877 I am in the same boat as you. 3 kids. This has been going on 7 years now. Iâve had enough, but with no where to go and no friends or family as support itâs so hard to get out.
Message me someone I need help contact me :(
Lol. It's true. Drug addicts do that to others and I've even heard an addict yelling that they are going to go do drugs because, "I'm going to go do drugs because of you."
It's a classic manipulation tactic, and it's usually because they don't want to take accountability for their own behavior, so they blame shift. It's a way for them to feel better about what they're doing, and it just hurts everyone around them.
My drug addict boyfriend starts with me every other day. I can't take it. I'm so drained. Idk what to do. The next day or few hours it's like he doesn't remember the way he treated me. I'm on a roller coaster I want to get off. Help
Joey Cooper hi Joey, I think this video may be helpful to you. Itâs about the trauma of loving an addict. czcams.com/video/_IIIebnumpg/video.html
My husband does this to me, he lies about his paycheck he doesn't come home some nights when he's using, he tells our coworkers that its all my fault..He spends his entire paycheck in one night and i have to pay his portion of the rent on a minimum wage job...Im so stressed out im seriously considering divorce..
I feel bad hearing the testimonies of you strong women. Donât be fooled, Iâve done it all for alcohol. Using my looks as power( females have always been intrigued) So not bragging but being honest. My charm and all, it all leads back to manipulation. We are wrong for that and Iâm working on trying to be a better individual. I apologize for the disease, for me and what Iâve done and also prayers upâŹïžđfor what ur husbands or significant others have put you through. Remember you are the rock and strength donât let the excavator come and try to move you or your good hearted spirit â„ïžâ„ïžđŒ
Dump him and free yourself.
Same here
This explains a lifetime of conflicts I've encountered with my own parents, siblings, other relatives, and now my 36 year old son who just became a father.
Oh goodness, I donât know whether to say âsorryâor âyouâre welcomeâ
I'm so happy I found you. . I'm a cardiac nurse, desperately trying to find a way to get my drug addicted sister to "want to go to treatment" my family is desperate. She did this defense mechanism alllll damn day. Played the victim...and made my older sibling cry with hurtful things she said. I will be binge watching you videos tonight
Hi Cassandra, My sister is also an addict, and I know just how painful it can be.
Hi guys,
So I started a relationship with someone who relapsed 3 months after we met him.
It's now 6 weeks later. From the comments, it seems like I rather get out now. I already see the manipulation.
Omg. My ex-husband did all of these. That is why our marriage was intensely short. One of the last confrontations I had with him, he said â you asking me about my drinking makes me wanna go drink!â I said âNo. you being an alcoholic makes you want to go drink, you just use everything and everyone around you as an excuse so you donât have to take responsibilityâ. He didnât have much to say to that, we broke up shortly there after
He's trying to put it on you. I love your comeback. Way to stand up for yourself.
I needed to hear this I have been with a addict for 18 years & he says Iâm his trigger! âHis Iâm leaving you I have someone elseâ
I really do appreciate this content. I just walked away from a relationship because of his cocaine use. He did all the things you mentioned. I fell like Iâm abandoning him, but I canât take walking on eggshells. One little thing and he goes off. I see I wasnât crazy, even though he said I was. Thanks
Addiction has a way of sucking you in. It's like a vortex that you can't get out of. I'm glad you were able to set a healthy boundary for yourself.
Same reply to the Sane comment. Iâll have to go else where.
I feel your pain...it was always my fault everything. I think of him often. I hope he's ok. I just see him torchering someone else now I stead of me.
You are welcome. How have you been handling it?
Letâs hope it gets better
Been there! đ€Šđ»ââïž
Big thanks to the guys in this video being vulnerable enough to share how they used this tactic to manipulate their families before they got sober. đŻ
I like how you said, before they get sober. That's exactly right!
I so needed to hear this. New to your channel. I have so much anger towards my brother always finding fault in EVERYONE BUT NEVER taking accountability for himself!! He has abused meth for more than 20 years and believes in an alternate reality that doesnt exist!! He is now in rehab but it was court ordered so I dont have much hope. He fought going all the way till the very day he had to go. I'm 20 plus years sober and tried telling him the importance of cutting off other addicts out of his life but hes a vet and said it is a brotherhood he will never abandoned. It is also another excuse because he can choose sober vets but doesnt. My nephew laid on the floor with a gun to his head begging his dad to stop. My brother OD many times. Arrested many times. And continues choosing drugs over everyone. What is so weird to me is that he swears there is this sex cult that he says his wife is apart of and is so abusive to her. He stalks her, video tapes her ect.... he tries to show his own kids these pictures of their own mother caught in sex acts but there is NEVER ANYTHING but leaves and trees in the pictures. He swears they get on his roof and have secret passage ways into his home. It is terrifying!! He really believes this is going on! He now says they have cloaking devices and that's why they never show up in the pictures. Smh. I'm the one left taking care of both our elderly parents while my older brother acts like some out of control rebellious teen ager. Hes come to my home in the middle of the night banging on the door saying people are after him. Why is he so hell bent on trying to catch her cheating when he has cheated on her for years and is actively cheating on her? But when he gets into trouble my sister in law constantly tries and bails him out. I'm going to file a CPO but it says I need evidence and have to face him in court. I'm afraid of him but I want him out of my life completely. He made that choice. I told him its us or drugs and he continues to think and behave like he can continue to have both. The VA is a joke and has failed my family for over 20 years. That is the very place he gets illicit drugs!! DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEAS what I can do to keep him away and force the VA to help him?
Oh my goodness, That sounds like a really bad situation. đ„ Meth addiction gets so crazy because of the delusions, and paranoia. It makes it particularly dangerous to the friends and family.
Meth addicts get extremely delusional and extremely violent, I have dealt with them for years and they wonât let you escape them.
My 22 yo grandson is all about pot and spends everything he has on it, must have it or he says he can't function, etc. No car, no clothing when he arrived here 3 months ago. He has done exactly what these addicts are admitting to every day to me for three months. He took a video of driving down the highway with a cocktail and thought that was cool. Then said he had no money to put in the tank to return the car. I have been talking to him and trying to help with positive and all he does is drag me down, I'm the crazy person just as you said he would say. No respect for the house I worked so hard to restore, no respect for himself.I KICKED HIM OUT!! It is real bad, I am in my 60's on a limited income and no support system, I don't have to put up with his crap. He is not here for help, he is here to use. Funny how he was putting down his friend who was kicked out of his house for being disrespectful, he does nothing but project his crap on everyone else. I feel guilty for not feeling guilty!!!
Hi Palomino! You probably don't feel guilty because you know you did everything you could do.
Thank you for this episode! That's exactly what happened. My response was,"you want to start an arguement and I'm not going there." He took his coat and bag and left. Then i asked " did you want to say anything before you leave?"
...i think he was too stunned to respond because, i wasn't giving him the excuse to use.
I have a brother who's an addict.. He always starts fights with our parents and when they don't give him attention, he starts to swear at everyone to get them really angry
Has he been that way for a long time? I bet that's crazy frustrating!
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@@PutTheShovelDown yes.. It's been years now
Itâs too bad that Iâm just finding this video now. My best friend and I struggled with CONSTANT arguments over just about anything and everything, especially her drinking. I lost her 2 days before her 41st birthday this year.
Theyâre well aware of it?! Argh. I so wish I had you around 10 years ago! At least I can heal in peace now that heâs not around đ
Thanks Shelley!
I donât think I can take it with my boyfriend anymore, I love him but his addiction has ruined my life and his, he is addicted to smoking pills, drinking, weed, I mean it feels like he is addicted to almost everything but the pills are def his drug of choice now, he uses everyday and he doesnât care how much he spends on them, he will spend all his check on it after paying his rent and keep spending all the checks after that one, he argues with me everyday and I argue back everyday, itâs so damn draining, Iâm argumentative myself and not an easy person but my god the guy acts insane, I mean a lot to times I donât even do anything to him, he makes up stuff amd creates issues between us, Iâm getting extremely tired and feel like most of the time I been with him I have done nothing but occupy my life with helping him or letting his addiction effect me everyday, I tried being the bigger person and just quit argueing but no he still comes after me and wants to argue/fight, Iâm just over it, gonna keep ignoring him but Iâm losing all my patience and donât know how much longer I can hold on
Thank you for these videos, Iâve been living with an alcoholic wife. Iâve been going to al-anon for about a year and itâs helped me to take care of my own self care. We are currently separated cause I asked her to leave since she couldnât stop drinking and was in total denial. Iâm trying to watch as many as these videos as I can. She is constantly gaslighting and starting arguments has me pitted against her parents.
Hi Chris, thanks so much for leaving me this nice feedback. Knowing these videos are helping people is what keeps me motivated to keep making them, especially on days when I get lots of negative comments. I can tell from reading your comment that you're really understanding the information!
I love how sure of yourself that you are! Because you do make perfect sense! Love it
Yes my husband did this to me and took it so far as to be the reason why he wanted to separate/divorce because of how we fight đ
đźđ„đŁ
Same, but it was my girlfriend. She blames al these fights on why she wanted to breakup . It made no sense, like you want to breakup because we argue? When she starts then everytime she wants to use. It's hard to let go and it's sad to fall in love with someone with this struggle. She makes me feel fo sad
Yep I got dumped recently for always being argumentive, when in reality it's me responding to him because he goes on crack binges twice a month and don't wanna face me. Smh. So once he comes down, he is gonna come back apologize and this time I won't accept and allow him back into my life. I'll accept and move in. 3 years of this mess I am DONE.
@@ulisesacosta5543 I am sooo sorry. It's sooo hard to move on bc u love them but we must gain the strength. We can do itđȘđż. Someone better is waiting.
Message me :( going Thru this right now
He does this and then turns around and says u know i love you so much
In my relationship experience, if I tried to bring up something that the alcoholic was doing that I did not feel good about, I would try to tell them and instead they would bring up something I did wrong in the past. Also, this particular person hid their addiction very well so I did not even know the extent of their alcoholism.
Exactly and it doesnât even be that u did something wrong itâs them just finding âdirtâ to minimize what they are doing
I am currently going through this right now with my boyfriend/ex. I know nothing about drugs due to my upbringing of being sheltered. All the signs were there, his nose breaking out me applying treatments and healing right away to the irritability and violence. One day after the club of him lagging around he stated he wanted to go to a after hour party, I asked why does he want to go so bad Iâm tired. He admits he wants to do coke! I was so shocked I didnât know what to say!! The other night being at home with him I thought to myself, I donât deserve the verbal abuse, and violence anymore so I pretended I was going to the bathroom and left. I have not seen him since but he blames me for all of his issues that he has had before I rekindled our relationship when I have been nothing but supportive and he pushed me away. This hurts so much because it should be easy to walk away from someone that doesnât respect you. Iâve been with him for 3 years and it took everything in me to walk away. I feel like Iâm mourning the death of my best friend and lover. I saw a future with him and fell in love with potential. At the end of the day I look at this as saving my life and I pray and hope he gets himself together before itâs too late. I will always love him! My heart goes out to all those that are currently dealing with someone or knows someone going through addiction. Does anyone have any advice on how I can cope with this loss?
Your videos are so accurate. You have been an angel in my life. Thank you so much for doing this.
I am learning so much. I feel so enlightened. Everything felt like a 1000 pieces frustrating puzzle. You are putting this puzzle together one video at a time. The more I watch your videos, the more the pieces fit together. I see clear now how much the insanity make sense. Thank you so much. I have watched about 10 videos and will watch all of them. It is helping a lot. THANK YOU :-)
Thank you so very much such kind feedback. Knowing that my videos are helping people is what keeps me motivated to make them. I know there are so many desperate family members out there and almost no resources what so ever. It's my goal to try and help as many families as possible. May I ask.... How did you find our videos? I always like to figure out how to get the right information to the people who need it.
My ex constantly did this. Asked her not to bring the 4th glass of wine into the room. So she stood in the doorway and didnât âcross the lineâ and talked to me from there. I just said obviously you are respecting my request but not respecting me. I am going to sleep. I turned over and went to sleep.
These videos are excellent. This is exactly right.
Haven't watched this yet. Just skimmed and your words are encouraging so I will do my best to memorize and put in action the ways to respond to the manipulation. 3 addicts and their partners/friends. I have been around addicts since a baby and remember some of the antics of my biological father. So many addicts, I knew I had to be sober. Thank goodness, no sexual trauma from him. I was blessed w/protecting mom and grandmother. Kind of would like to go out of this world w/good memories w/my addicts for all of us. I am 69. I am tired of being tired and tired of my heart hurting and crying or struggling to be 'untouchable.'
Hey Peggy, I think you'll find a lot of information here that will help you create a better relationship between you and the people you love who have addictions.
Yep, have had this happen a lot & Iâve stopped biting. Funny how easy it is to recognize after awhile.
My best friend always started a argument after taking a drug.
Itâs just horrible.
it sure is!
My husband does this all the time with me when he wants to drink. Iâm damned if I say nothing/not responding and Iâm damned if I respond, either way he just says itâs all my fault therefore heâs gonna go drink. A few days ago he blew up at me because I forgot to write a sentence that heâd asked me to type when responding to a group chat, I tried to disengage but he pulled me back by calling me names, belittling me and the last straw was when he kicked my leg, I said âPlease donât kick/hit meâ, he went nuts, threw a mug at me, he missed and he yelled and yelled and yelled loudly and went out of the house to the street (probably so that all neighbors can hear him being tough), yelling until he went off to drink. It was the first time he ever went onto the street to yell, I could see that he I was getting worse. I am at a motel now, donât know what to do next. All I want is for him not to call me names, stop belittling me and give/show me some respect, I have spoken to him so many times about this, but he he still does it when he feels like blaming me and craving alcohol.
đWatch This Video Next: How To Survive Living With An Addict or Alcoholic czcams.com/video/e-KEfu-FpZk/video.html
This is several people in my life! Appreciate the tips.
Wow this was reassuring. I used to wonder why arguments escalated so much with my ex and then I noticed a pattern that he would go use every time we got in a fight. I could tell the days when he was ok because if I came to him with a concern he would be somewhat helpful. On days he wanted to use? He would turn it into an argument, make me crazy, and then say I couldnât be mad at him for using because I was out of line
Classic manipulation! đ«
@@PutTheShovelDown I asked for space one night after an argument thinking maybe he would go for a drive. Instead he went to his friends house to do cocaine and drink, and never came home. When I questioned him on it, he said âwhat am I supposed to do? Sit around and be sad?â
On another occasion I had a stressful day at work so I was being short with him. Not right But it happens. The offer had been on the table from those same friends he was trying to get away from due to their drug use, to go to a cottage. He said he wasnât going because he wants to get better. Instead of not taking my shortness personally bc I told him I had a bad day, he escalated it, and took off for the weekend to get messed up at that cottage. And here I was thinking I was crazy and pushing him away, therefore causing his behaviours.
You are doing gods work
Wow! This is so accurate. Thank you for sharing
You are so welcome, 4seddy!
Thank you for making this video!
My pleasure, Leslie! Glad it was helpful
This is my husband to a T. Literally everyday of my life. Then Iâll say Iâm not doing this right now, we will talk later. And he uses that against me. Because I âwasnât there to talk to him when he wanted toâ so heâs gonna use drugs because of me đ
Total emotional manipulation!
My husband too:/
I'd move out.
Thank you so much IV been so lost in all this I really needed some kind of hope
Hi Cynthia, Thanks for watching my video and especially for taking the time to leave a comment. I'm really glad you found some value in this topic. Are there any other topics you'd like to hear about?
It is like riding a rollercoaster that never stops. It is like Groundhog Day where each day is slightly different than the day before. I say it is like 5 of the 7 dwarfs (sanz doc and bashful). This video is very relatable. Everyone else is a problem but him too. Thank you!
It sure is KG!
My son does this every weekend when he's off work. He taunts me " Youll never give me the 30 day notice". So now I have to. He just started a job less than 2 mos ago. Ex H addict on low dose Methadone, but extreme anger and spitefulness.
Wow! that does sound like taunting.
Come to Baltimore see if you can work your magic here. Heroin is on every corner of the street inside the beltway and 15-year-old kids are being coerced into being drug dealers, and the cops can't do anything about it. they're running this business with complete and total impunity. it is so bad here it's actually hard to find somebody that is free of addiction it's like the common Baltimore inn is a drug addict or a drug dealer or both. I ended up dating a heroin addict for a while and everything you said was true she was a carbon copy of what you were just describing. And also helped me look at my own personal struggles as far as things I need to work on so when I do find somebody that doesn't have serious addiction problems we can try to have a successful relationship. Thanks for putting your thoughts out there!
Thanks John, Im glad this was helpful. My hope is that these videos reach Baltimore and more! It's my way of trying to help people no matter where they are!
Thank you sooo much. I have now learned the REAL truth
I'm so glad this was helpful, christianwarriors5177!
I can't tell you how many times I felt like I was going crazy while he sits calm and plays the victim when I know deep down he just pushed the right buttons to start an argument. When I say "I'm not gonna argue with you" that's when I always hear "this is why all "my friends" say you're a cold hearted bitch"
Sounds like that''s his Ace Card for sucking you into an argument!
@@PutTheShovelDown and I tend to fall into that trap so many times. Like, my brain is telling me what he's trying to do, but sometimes I just can't help but to react. It's really exhausting. The reason why I actually found this is because I recently had a baby and he's blaming me and the stress of having a baby for him relapsing again. I only found out that he relapsed after I came home from the hospital. I found his hidden stash. I left to go to my parents with my child. This is the first time where I actually left and meant it. I know have to do all I can for the safety of my child but it still hurts. My family keeps telling me that there is no future with him but a part of me is still hoping. It's actually pathetic from my side because he has not made an effort to make a phone call or try to see our daughter.
This is really helpful thank you đ
Glad it was helpful!
My sister is a addict homeless n was using my shower n came to eat but sheâs extremely negative and abusive I am done She disrespects me in my fn house?? Seriously no go sleep in your truck Iâm done âŠ.
Great advice!
Thanks Kartier!
currrently i am crying because my husband is a addicter he never loved my married life is going like hellđąđą
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Hey Amber. Can you please make a video about the emotional rollercoaster/mental health issues/ mental clarity an alcoholic experiences when they are at the beginning stages of recovery? Also, can you post more videos on what it's like to interact with a high functioning alcoholic (and their psychology) who hides their addiction well and certain people around them don't actually know the extent of their drinking? Thanks.
Great suggestions. I think I have a video or two about the high functioning alcoholic issue, but I'll definitely put the other topic on my list!
I am currently having this in my life over and over and it comes to the point that it's affecting my health. I don't know what to do and we have 3 children who are also affected with the repetitive acts.
Great video. I have learned not to take the bait. Sadly it just makes him try harder and it is hurtful to me and for the kids to witness it. He has only done it to one of them a couple of times. Now they avoid him.
Hello, love your content. Do you have videos in the children of addicts and how to redirect their coping manipulative behavior? Specifically teens who live with relatives due to the parents drug use? Thank uiu
Renting from dysfunctional mother and junky daughter and boyfriend who keep stealing my stuff. I try to avoid them but they are always getting loud, tossing out insults, and trying to start crap. Thank you for the insight.
My mother is an addict. It was pain pills, then suboxone, now, meth or whatever she comes across. She blames all 3 of her adult children for her addictions, but the brunt of the fault is on me, partly because I "took her grandbabies" from her. She is cruel and has called me names, like evil, on many occasions. She wants me to dig her out of her relapses sheet she gets title and collateral loans. Any relationship we've had has been like a job or chore, as she can't save any money and throws is all away. It hurts when she says it's all my fault then turns around and complains that I don't being her grandchildren to her.
It's so maddening when they make you out to be the evil bad guy but then want you to rescue them đĄ
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Yep Iâve experienced this so many times đŹ
So true. Iâve also been the one to stir the pot knowing an argument would start with the alcoholic. Why do u do that ?
I did not know he was an alcoholic or and drug addict, he hidden so well⊠He was so happy in the evening, and so bad in the next day, he did not want to awake and fights were generated cause I tried to make him to live and share a life.
I bet all the dots really started to connect when you found out about the addiction problem. đ„
@@PutTheShovelDown thanks for your answer. The wort happened when I discovered. But I still donât know about all the addictions he had. Iwondered if he was not alsoNarcissistic. He was great to lie and to manipulate, to promise a great future..
Omg love your accent,and your show.im coming to therapy...
đđđ
I've been addicted to alcohol and valium at different stages in my life and I can say this isn't something I done . Nothing to be gained from starting fights .
Definitely have had this happen many times
My boyfriend tries to manipulate everyone and yells and start arguments for no freaking reason.I always confront him and say are you trying to guilt trip me. He acts out in public and outside and then wants me to comfort him after he has disrespected everyone. His family and I are out of options, we have tried so hard to reason with him, be patient with him and support him the best way we can . He still lashes out on us, itâs like talking to a brick wall
It sounds like he's got ya'll backed into a corner đ„
This is so helpful. I didn't realize that my loved one was abusing prescription drugs plus tylenol 1s for years plus with smoking its not only hazardous to his health but also a strain on our relationship and finances. It has been many years of a very difficult and hurtful situation and he is still in denial. It has affected my mental health as well and then I realized that there was alot of manipulating and gaslighting which I didn't realize was happening because I was trying to survive but it has really affected my health and also a lack of trust now. I am so hurt that someone who says they love me would do that to me and use me when I thought that I was being the caring, supportive and understanding person that they needed only to find out that they have been sneaky and manipulating me this whole time. I feel so hurt and broken.
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this crumby situation, Georgina!
@@PutTheShovelDown thank you. It has been mostly a one sided relationship for years and there is alot of hurt and resentment on my part and I want to forgive and move forward but I get stuck in the emotion of anger and shut down. I am the heaviest that I have ever weighed and the stress is making it worst. I had a full hysterectomy 8 years and took several breakdowns since then and its hurtful and scary feeling so alone when I helped others for years and supported others and now I am fighting this on my own plus not able to work so it snowballs.
My wonderful, high moral, husband died last year of a sudden, unexpected heart attack at 59. I started going through his phone in order to defeat stuff to send the phone back to Verizon. I started finding things that shocked me and also leads me to believe he was abusing drugs. In 2008, he was put on dilaudid for chronic kidney stones. We had to wean him slowly off. He comes from an addicted family. For about 10 years after that he started criticizing every thing I did, gaslighting, extremely paranoid- especially accusing me of affairs which i never even contemplated, mood swings, blowing up at simple stupid things like choice of suitcase, his show getting erased, etc. He worked 3rd shift. While going through his phone, among other things, I saw that on some of his nights off, he would go out driving around in bad areas of town around 3 am. On work days he would stop at a Walmart and spend quite a bit of money (I now think he wasgetting cash), then making detours onto bad areas on his way home or to work. He is not here for me to question and I now wonder if I ever really knew him after 40 years. He was beloved and respected by everyone so I have had to keep this to myself. The not knowing is driving me crazy. If he had had a problem, i would have helped and supported him. I feel like I can't move on until I know for sure.
@@lindacathey9654 I am so sorry that you are going through this. It's an awful thing to deal with and alot of unanswered questions. I pray that you get some comfort and peace somehow.
@@georginarandolphgirl66 Yhank you, Georgina!
Hello and thanks for the amazing videos....how do i get my family member in your program
Hi Kelsey, thanks so much for the positive feedback! Our office is in Greenville SC, we would love to help if you/your loved one is near us. We also offer coaching sessions for family members via phone/zoom. In the description of this video, you'll find links to additional information about these resources and more!
Yes, my addict alcoholic husband would come home from work an was so good at starting fights he would walk up behind me, Kiss my head, while Iâm the computer doing taxes, bills, etc⊠me say â heyâ an then suddenly a few minutes later Iâm being screamed at in front of the kids for not caring about him an returning his kiss. This is just a example because there are many tactics used to catch you off guard. Everyone else is accountable yet he plays victim with the ⊠â I said itâs all my fault â. He would get up ⊠bring a cup of coffee, later start yelling at me an say⊠all I did wrong was get up an bring you a cup of coffee. I got to the point I donât like him to do anything for me because it will be used to scream at me. Iâve been diagnosed with having a trauma disorder and that was after only 17 yrs. When he shows signs of escalation I have to take medicine which I hate but if I donât I have anxiety attacks from his yelling. I ball up, cry and pray for it stop. He will cuss me an use anything he can trying to get a response from me but I just continue to Pray for survival.
Narcisstic tendencies and addiction
My mum was terrified of upsetting my sister in case she went home and drank again.
Mine does this so much and then says Iâm done talking you just love drama and then leaves
"you love drama", "you have mental issues"...it's like they all have the same playbook. The "drama" is you desperately trying to get them to see how their behavior effects you which they can't admit because that would mean admitting the drugs are the root of the problem..
Absolutely and over gross bulimia.
Hi Linda, thanks for watching.
Yes he is always trying to get us his parents yelling. He gets great pleasure in it . He seems to be so calm as well very chill. That annoys even more. Ah now I know that he is manipulating us his parents.
Sounds like you've definitely had some real life experience with this! It's maddening for sure! đ€đ
03:00 Thank you so much for this. i understand a bit now
Now when he tries to start an argument I just say ur not going to get a argument fight among ur own demons
I like it! đđ
@@PutTheShovelDown we can barely speak anymore because it's to the point we don't get along
Absolutely my ex started a fight with me after I was supportive of him the night before I knew it was manipulation after I already lost my cool so of course I looked crazy because I snapped, but I knew I wasn't angry or upset before he was sober for 7 months and I was lovingly asking him if we needed to separate so he could work on himself as well as myself because even being sober we had our relationship issues and it was difficult for me to carry the emotional load if he couldn't support me to focus on himself I understood. The next day at his work he completely flipped previously he wanted to work on things together now he was sick of me sick of my attitude etc the emotional whiplash was so much I just reacted it's been a month and he hasn't stopped and I still feel guilty for my behavior.
Currently at the puffer fish stage with my girl... she's addicted ti fetynol and has become different towards Mr and kinda mean when use tonbe she loved everything about me now can't stand me and all I wanna do Is help...
Yeah, the arguing with them, I gave up, arguing. I leave and give each other space and time for her to cool off. (My Mom) Thanks for this video. Great video. Tonight she accused me of stealing money. I don't live with her. I left..then she called and accused me of both stealing money and doing drugs. Never touched drugs ever. Nothing hard. Just cigs and weed. But yes any how I'm okay. She can cool off.
Wow, Meteor. That's really tough when it's your mom. Sorry you're going through that
I only purposely pick fights with the people in my life that i donât like, but i do it so i feel justified to use and so my family thinks itâs justifiable for me to useđ
Wow! Now that's impressive honesty, Noah.
You're a sick piece of s*** I hope you get your karma. I hate people like you that'll purposely pick fights cuz you're a drunk or a drug addict and cause people nothing but heartache pain in stress and anxiety because of your addictions and your problems f*** you bro
Omg it took me a bit but I figured out the whole getting me soo pissed off that I would walk away then he could just sit there and drink as much as he wanted . Or do whatever he wanted to do . Or just leave and go to the bar . As a person that doesnât drink I started seeing a pattern but in the mean time I was just going crazy ! It is such a mind F***!
But once I stood my ground and pointed out the reality of it all he would calm down and go a different direction . But again it took a while for me to get to this stage of taking control of it all and regaining my control of reality .
I'm going thru this right now my crack head so called girl sleeps with everyone for a few dollars and drugs and when I say few I mean few $3,4 few she hurting me so bad I don't know what else to do!
Hi James, take a look at this video. It might help some: czcams.com/video/-woGGBLs0Bc/video.html
I live with this daily
Sorry Dennis, I know how crappy that kind of situation is. Here's a link to my playlist on boundaries: Hope it helps: czcams.com/play/PLaaJWwIpP_zaSO2T0UAQ7X5elGVsphwIV.html
Yes my husband does this when he has relapsed.
I bet it's a giant red flag for you!
Off with drug using friends and arrives late to pick up our son, then she starts a fight. She refuses a drug test even when our ten year old asks her to take the test.
It's super sad when a 10 year old is asking the parent to take a test. In my book, refusing to take a test is the same thing as a positive test. đ„
Well my friend is dating a druggie right now I do not know what I should do Iâm losing her as a friend because her personality change when she start dating him I need help
Hey McKenzie, check out this video. It might explain what is going on with your friend! czcams.com/video/sILzL38Xlyg/video.html
I went to see a friend yesterday at her room. She had just woke up so was in the process of waking p and also getting her "wake up" shot. We had already set the boundary that I would not be around her if she did said shot. I thought she put it down but hid it and went to the bathroom. I was standing by the bath door so I moved away from the door to give her privacy. I heard al the usual noises like sink water , toilet flushing, etc.. so I thought nothing of it and was looking forward to hanging out with her. About 3 mins later she comes out of the bath and asked me what was I doing... Just standing there reading all the messages she wrote on her walls in chalk to a mutual friend who just passed on an OD. Before I could even answer she started going off about how I was judging her and I was dumb founded as to how she thought this. By nature I do tend to get defensive when I feel attacked and will defend myself but I saw the syringe in her hand and knew I had to just leave and not escalate this. I simply replied that she had it all wrong.... But of course I bit the hook alittle and asked her what makes her think I was judging her...her response It doesn't matter that she don't give a Flip** so I left before it escalated. As I was driving away a few minutes later she called on the mobile and was asking for a do over. I told her that today was a "MISS" day and that we could set another day. Anyway sorry for this rant. But I do love all the things I'm learning by your videos.
She was definitely picking a fight. You handled that like a champ!!!! Nice work đȘ
Just experienced this x
Next time this happens, you'll be 5 steps ahead!
I just don't deal with addicts. At all.
Iâm currently raising my addicted sisters child, while my mom is raising another of her children, and the grandmother on the fathers side is raising another of her children.
After she lost all her children for good, DCF separated them and kept the family away from them for 3-5 years depending on the child.. it was heartbreaking and tore our family apart in a trillion different ways.
Sheâs currently still using and wants her children to be able to be around her now that she knows theyâre back in the family and out of foster care.. sheâs very angry w us that we wonât let her until sheâs been sober a while and showing us sheâs making healthy changes.
All she does is attack. She blew off family for the last few years after she lost her kids, then plays the victim every single time she actually does answer or speak w anyone.
Seems like sheâs more angry w me than anyone else that has her children, although sheâs mean to all of us often.. which is sad cuz we donât ever speak or see her due to her..
I tried to explain itâs hard on her now teen son that I adopted a few months ago.. and that she canât come around just to leave or show him an unhealthy way of living because sheâs such an important person to him.
Itâs hard to not disown her and totally cut her out of mine and her sons life for now.. Iâm so angry. Iâm trying to be supportive and help her get sober.. but itâs so hard. Idk how to handle it anymore. Iâm so fed up after years and years and years of this crap.
Ok my bestfriend of many years and now ex does all of this which is why we recently broke up.. now what Iâm not understanding is I know he does drugs. Iâve seen him do it. But he still is so set in telling me âI donât do that , drop it beleive what you wantâ⊠but he does it infront of his friends and doesnât care if everyone else knows. But will look me dead in the eye and say heâs never touched that and broke up with me⊠whyyy is that
He's gaslighting you đ„Here's a video about that: czcams.com/video/5kDczK92fdE/video.html
Iâve done all of those things
I appreciate your humility and willingness!
To a T! Thank you so much
Any time!
I am a parent of a daughter who does this to me all the time, I would love to have help..
Hi Jacqui, sounds like youâre in a tough spot. Thereâs tons of videos on our channel for parents in this situation. We also have an online family recovery academy that you might find very helpful as well. Thereâs a link in the description of this video to learn more about it. I also take request for specific topics if you have any.
@@PutTheShovelDown I would love request a topic. So my sister had severe post partum depression, shes under psychiatric care but I believe shes using illicit drugs to mask her depression. So what do I address first? Addiction or depression???
My dad is a puffer fish alcoholic and there is no humane way on the planet that anybody can do to talk to this man and it gets better unfortunately I live with himđđđđąđ€Źđ€Źđżđż
(FACTS OVA FEELINGS) Successful Addiction Programs Insist on Involving the Entire Famileye System and on Creating Changes in the way each Famileye Member Interact with each other within the System other wise the Famileye system itself acts az an oppositional force to the addict's soberity so often the dysfunction taking place in a Famileye system is the very reason tha one of its member has turned to addiction in the first place
And listening to your program for at least two and a half years I have a 33 year old daughter that is a Binger she'll stay sober for two weeks and then stay high for 2 weeks the bad thing about it is she has a five-year-old son and he stays with me his grandmother 75% of the time she was sober for two years and now she's back using as of September 2021 it's been 2 years she's been using again I am at my Wit's End what to do
It's especially hard when there are kids involved. I remember feeling the same way about my sister, who had 5 kids living with her while she was using.
Is there a video on how drug addicts leave for days at time they run away from home
Honestly I had a baby with and addict⊠this is literally the most difficult thing I wish I could go back. My heart is broken this addiction is hopeless and now I hate my best friend
What about people not on drugs or alchohol who do this with their spouse?
I befriended a person I admired/crush while they were in rehab via social media. Big mistake. I am also a recovered addict. I made the mistake of telling them the tactic I used to stop using. It went terrible. I didn't know they weren't trying to get clean but just appear as though they were. You know cross the t's and dot the i's After a while we continued the friendship for a while. The friendship is damaged because now I am the bad guy if there telling the story
Omg this has been happening to me, the Bf has been doing this itâs been nearly 3 years but heâs gone much better than before not sure whatâs going on, either heâs changed his drug amount intake having less of it on a weekly basis or he composes himself so I canât tell lol funny thing is his face and talk gives it away amongst other signs. Heâs in denial been through hell and back now Iâm backing off trying to look after me đ he donât want help
Had the exact same nail clippers as my roommate are was accidentally using them. He couldnât find it and has two others he lost in the house and broke cabinets, punched walls and tried to fight for two hours. Recently freaked out fir two hours because I didnât think to buy him a pack of cigs when I went out for lunch with a friend. Wow
đ I know I didn't do anything wrong, but it's always my fault.
I know, it just plain sucks đ„
Itâs not your fault hope youâre okay and if you want a friend to text or talk to Iâm here Im going through the same thing and I feel the people that go through-things like this understand better
Message me :(
My family member went to college and came back and had stuff in the house my parents found out and made a huge deal out of it this was the third time. I don't know if my family member has a problem they went to college and still have good grades. I'm worried about them since they get drunk and use at school also.