Why Do Addicts/Alcoholics Push You Away?
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- čas přidán 2. 07. 2024
- Amber Hollingsworth explores the complex emotions and psychological struggles that underlie addictive thinking and the push-pull dynamics that creates in their relationships.. Discover the intricate web of fear, guilt, and self-preservation that can drive addicts to distance themselves from those who care most about them. By understanding the underlying pain that fuels these dynamics, you'll gain a new perspective on addiction and its impact on relationships.
Need help navigating the relationship with your addicted loved one? Join our PRIVATE GROUP COACHING MEMBERSHIP and get access to weekly group coaching calls with Amber's team of family recovery specialists. www.familyrecoveryacademy.onl...
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They feel ashamed and don’t want you to witness their self destruction or take their booze away my poor sister did that we lost her eight weeks ago to this cruel addiction.
So sorry for your loss🙏
I’m so sorry for your broken heart 💔! I too lost my sister to addiction. 😭
@@HappyDW thankyou it’s very painfull isent it.
@@jacquelinehunt7794 yes it is. I raised her 2 daughters left behind and her youngest is now an addict too. So painful! 😭😭
@worthingtonchannel I'm so sorry I'm raising my grandchildren too due to my own daughters addiction then losing my sister its very hard and painfull.
The fact that you said brain is on fire is absolutely f****** 100% real. My brain is on fire
My boyfriend relapsed, went from being in love with me to trying to kick me out of our home claiming that I’m not the person they thought I was even though I haven’t changed, he has. It hurts because I know he loves me but he threw me away
My daughters father has done the exact same thing. He’s spiralled to a level I don’t know how to handle. It’s heartbreaking he has left us 😢
“It’s the inconsistency that makes it so addictive.” YES! That’s it. I feel like I get these little glimpses of love and sweetness and then at the exact same time this person is sneaking around and being secretive.
Yes, well said. I agree. And relate entirely.
Add into that mix 'fear', which I feel I have daily, and it seems to mean constantly being in a state of adrenalized fight or flight? which I am sure my addicted daughter feels too? And therefore makes the relationship of addict and (non-substance addicted) supporter, feel almost like one of two addicts sometimes, energetically?
More so than addict/co-dependent? (in my case, anyway) as I constantly work on that balance, and not enabling/securing my boundaries etc but....I still can't leave it alone! Because I do not want to lose her, will never give up on her, and I do still see and love the person she is, truly, underneath.....and also get those 'glimpses'.
It’s the “inconsistency” that made me pay attention to observing the destructive behaviors that was benefiting no one, not even addict. It was the “inconsistency “ that shed light that this was beyond me, I am not a therapist nor an addiction counselor so this is way out of my league. I feel sorry for them. However, I love me more than the addiction, it is all too consuming, toxic and negative .
Yes ! So hurtful ❤
The inconsistency remains even after they get sober!!!
@@michellecodispoti3665jeez, that's what I was wondering about.
This was very illuminating. I see now how people that want to avoid their problems avoid intimate relationships because we become the mirror to their problems. They just can't deny the problems they're causing in fact Brian Dennehy did an interview it's on CZcams and explains he looked at his young son, and saw him thinking and wondering and worrying how far would his drinking would go that day at a family event, and for him that was not something he wanted to put his kid through again.
Hey you should know your doing some amazing work with your videos. You seem to have a genuine understanding with regards to addicts and addiction. I'm an addict who has realized how much it really does affect the people around you. Appreciate your work. Thankyou and I hope u continue to do what your doing.
It’s good that you realise how much your illness affects your loved ones I don’t think my sister ever did to be honest we lost her and will hurt for the rest of our lives because she passed away in her home alone and refused our offers of help I don’t know why I wish you luck.
Thank you so much, Benjamin, for your kind words of support!
I'm going to keep this short because it's so hard to say but I lost my 30-year-old daughter Sarah.last October 16th. She had a wonderful rehab and came back happy strong full of plans and it lasted only a couple of weeks before she relapsed. During this time she brought clothes to her rehab roommate and brought a friend to a hospital to detox and brought me to one of her recovery meetings and introduced me to the group telling them how much she appreciated my love and support. I could not believe she relapsed so soon and when I saw her I should have hid my disappointment more because I remember the look on her face. She was already disappointed in herself. I quietly left her in bed and I wish I had stayed. I had hoped she would get through this one like she did before but apparently she had a seizure maybe two and she was found on her kitchen floor during a wellness check.
I’m so sorry Nancy. Sending you love and support
You were her hero. Bless you.
Nancy, please don't wish you did anything different. Our children make their own choices.
You explained it perfectly!
I felt so alone and no idea that others are going through EXACTLY the same situation
Thank you so much.
This is the video I needed to see. Being in love with someone on a downward spiral it the hardest thing I've ever experienced. Thank you so much for making these videos.
You are so welcome
Most of the time i question why im still with them
Amber you are really doing very good work. I have been doing my best to follow a lot of your advice, and it has brought me so much peace and my relationship with my husband and myself is improving day after day. Can you please make a video on how to move forward in recovery journey if a loved one was doing well, but a catastrophe broke all hell loose, and they fall back into contemplation phase and keep blaming their situation for their addictive behavior.
Basically you go back to doing the same things you did before when they were in that phase. Building trust/credibility. Allowing consequences, etc... You always want to match your strategy to their stage of change.
I just want to thank you for all of your videos because they have helped over the past 5 years to work with my Sarah and to understand this disease. I am very proud of her because she fought so long and so hard just to stay alive for her son Noah. She had daily back pain from scoliosis and from a car accident at age 17 and when she was sober the pain all came back because she wasn't numbing it anymore and I think it probably was just too much.
Life can be and is difficult. I thank my loving Savior. 🙏 we all let him get through 1 at a time. 🙏❤️
Push, pull, that's something that should be brought up more. Helpful Amber
All family / addiction counselors cannot be everything, but Amber is outstanding, she provides what our counselors do not - comprehensive understanding for addicts close families behavior which helps me see how I can change my behavior to be more effective.
Thank you so much, Jana! ❤️❤️❤️
Just discovered your channel last night. This is so accurate it hurts. My husband has had issues with alcohol for a while but recently he acts like an alcoholic and it is affecting me, our 18-month-old daughter and both of our parents. Thank you for all your videos, it helps to know I'm not the only one dealing with a partner who is a shadow of the person I fell in love with...
So true! I am going through that now. He said he is ok until im around him. He calls or texts me after and said he is not sure y he is so ugly to me.
AA for him, therapy or Al Anon for you.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Amber you really explained this to a fault. 2 years later I’m still learning everything you’ve explained with my bf addiction.
This video hit the nail on the head for exactly what’s going on right now w/my significant other! We are both struggling with these confrontations and this helped me realize most of my part in arguments span from my frustration w/his addiction! Thank you!
Thank you so much for all you teach us. I have understood so much- learned about me…I had to stop what wasn’t working. I stopped the struggle- the ME getting in the way of my daughters deadly challenge. It was hard to do- but it was so worth it. I was “trying” to help her while condemning her w my accusations and non stop advise. I asked her to forgive me and told her I’d be there when and if she needed me. Our relationship has improved immensely since - all of this bc I listened to your advise. Thank you - I humbly ask all mothers and wives, sisters etc to sincerely evaluate your behaviors. All the struggle that we bring in with our “games” demands- never ending advise…let the reigns go…it will bring you peace too. ❤
My mum was never able to do that I used to tell her to back of and give my sister space then I had my sister texting me saying she’s getting on at me all the time checking up on me she gets on my nerves I used to say mum is worried sick about you all this time raising my grandchildren due to my daughter having bi polar neither my sister or my mum supported in that .
Wow! This is so great. I'm so happy things are better with your daughter. Good work! ⭐⭐⭐⭐
@@PutTheShovelDown TYSM 🌹
You have just described what my sister said about our mum in her final text message to me I’m in tears here.
Thank you so much for explaining things in a way that makes so much sense. I truly appreciate you. Have a wonderful weekend….
Amber you're such a blessing in the long road of a relationship with an addicted person. Thanks for keeping us on track. It's so easy to let resentment and anger swerve off us course and destroy credibility in the mind of the addicted person.
Thank you so much. I’m trying to help a friend who I care very much for and your CZcams channel has really helped me be empathetic and understanding. Also it’s helped me with myself because I’ve had an issue with alcoholism for many years.
Wonderful insight, Amber! Thank you. This is one I will rewatch regularly to remind me.
Glad it was helpful!
I see the wheels spinning in your brain and wish my brain would think that fast!😃
Great job!!!
One of the most practical videos for me. Thank you Amber!
My pleasure Nancy
Anyone who has never been an addict is incapable of knowing what we're going through and we're incapable of articulating it to them. We push them away because they make assumptions based on their own thought process. For example when they say just put the bottle down as if we never thought of that. It's not their fault. We know what's wrong with us. If just putting the bottle down was as easy as it takes we would do that. Only addicts can understand addicts and that's the simple truth.
Yes I asked my sister how she felt and she could not describe it so I used to comfort her and give her a cuddle and tell her I’m here if you need me I didn’t know what else to do she gave up and locked herself in her flat and drank herself to death after refusing to let us in due to the mess now I feel guilty for not doing more I’m devastated why did she end it like that I will never accept it.
@@jacquelinehunt7794 That's terrible and I'm sorry for that. You did exactly the right thing. You showed her support. I'm probably sure you've heard the fact that any kind of addict can only help themselves. She must have been in a really dark place. Typically alcohol is there to cover up something else. In my case, it was depression and feeling inadequate. It just makes things worse and screws with your head. And if you do sober up it's always there calling to you. I can't take your guilt away obviously, but again you did exactly what you could do and what you should of done. That probably gives no relief, but wanted to tell you that.
@@christophermoshier thankyou so much for saying that my sister was very unhappy with life in general and worried about things I don’t think she ever got over her divorce she did sober up and spend time with us and I will always be gratefull for that I could not handle seeing her drunk or detoxing in hospital though I hope you are recovering it’s a terrible illness and takes everything away from you I hope you have support.
@@jacquelinehunt7794 It is a terrible illness. I'm good now. I suppose you can call it in remission as there isn't a true cure. Kind of like a cancer patient. Same with cancer it always seems to creep back. I've been two and half years sober before and right now two months. I've probably done everything humanly stupid. All of it goes beyond the realm of rationality. No one is guaranteed tomorrow anyway be it an alcoholic or anyone for that matter. I'm most certain you know that. You had your time together and made the best of it and that's awesome. That's all anyone can do for any of us towards anyone on this planet. If anything came out of my own alcoholism is I tolerate people a lot more, I understand everyone is going through something inside them, and I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
I agree, addiction is a nasty disease and way of thinking of addicts is different than people without this problem
Amber thank you! 100% true. This was so helpful to me.
🌊Thank you❤it’s great to hear someone feel my pain💕
I dont take his bait anymore, i can tell he is baiting me by his speed and tone. I dont respond, dont engage, dont react and dont personalize. He still yells and throws a fit and said i was abusive by doing the silent treatment and used his therapy to shift the blame on me still. His therapist told him i was his problem, reconfirming his enabling thoughts, he didnt tell her anything wrong he did from what he has told me. She has no idea about his addiction, he doesn't know. He only uses his time in therapy to dog me, like you say. I asked him to go to therapy, now she tells him what he wants to hear to get her paycheck, not understanding how he manipulats her to help enable him and it has made things so much worse. Im just trying to get out of the relationship now, sucks bc we have a three year old. He yells at me infront of our three year old so often now and it doesn't bother him to do it infront of our three year old no matter how many times a gently ask him not to yell infront of our son. I use to want to be a therapist, studying for years now, but now i don't want to be after what ive seen and learned. If you arent experienced enough, you can ruin a family more.
Thank you so much for this. I'm just coming to your channel, but no stranger to addiction (sibling and now spouse 😢) You get it, and you explain it so well. Thank you ❤
Welcome to our little community, Suz!
For my cousin his number 1/number 2 persons in his life, besides his immediate family are his mom and grandma. And it feels like they aren’t the most understanding of the core issue of his addiction. Not only does he have ADHD and possibly autism, but he also has, I feel like, 4 forms of unhealed childhood trauma. Those things combined are a recipe for what all he’s gotten himself into.
I’m the least important of them all to him, even though I know he cares. And I still try to reach out to him, even when he doesn’t respond. Even though I understand what he’s going through as far the unhealed trauma and autism/adhd goes, I’m still not exactly the first person that he feels comfortable leaning on, I still want him to know that I’m there for him. Even though he doesn’t respond to my texts half the time.
I would love to find a way to get through to my cousin, because I feel like I might just be the one that might actually be able to help pull him out of this. Even though I know that it’s not going to be a fast process.
Thank you. I'm afraid there is only one way for this struggle to end and I am trying to steel myself for this predictable outcome. I thought I could handle the path ahead, but witnessing the delivery of 10 liters of wine to my alcoholic daughter is truly soul crushing.
Adult children blaming parents for their struggles keeps these people stuck in angry, anxious, and depressed feelings, and interferes with their ability to think about what they could do to make their lives different.
Spot on my sister said some awfull things about my mum sometimes it used to make me feel awkward I was always scared of upsetting my sister in case she drank again although looking back I think she drank most of the time as she passed away eight weeks ago.
Your videos help me to undertand this horribly selfish disorder. My love becomes a different person when he drinks heavily. Calls me names , impossible to talk to , makes no sense , manic , etc. Does damage to me and how i feel. Hes the kindest person ive ever met when he is sober. This confuses me badly. I can find myself feeling angry towards him because i feel i have to protect myself from the person that says im safe with them.... mind boggling
walked away from a lady just like this today. I'm not a rug, I'm not that guy. If she wanted to be with me she would have slowed way down and become my partner. Good luck! It's chaos all the damn time in that environment.
Ive done the "not being the guy" only to experience the same hurt year after year. I had to totally remove myself from interaction...
If I meet hubby when he was an alcoholic after26 he is sober. He says he loves me but the acts are not there except for crumbs
What stage would you call when you just give up or put your hands up and say I quit? After 17 years of marriage, 20 years as friends (i don't consider us friends anymore) I just gave up. I have put up with arrests, lies, 4 rehabs, and so so much more that even though I love her so much; so much it has cost me whether its money, my family,being judged/cursed at, and then her pushing away, ghosting, and ignoring me has pushed me beyond a line I thought I could hold. Hers was opiates, shes been in ipo in another state for last 2 months. She reaches out when she needs something , then nothing for a week or two. We also have a son involved that she doesn't talk to either...she texts often... the love/miss you. All i needed was an I'm sorry, but cant even get that.
Thanks for putting this out there. I needed to hear it. I'm in love with an alcoholic, it's only been 4 months but man I fell hard for her. I'm 57 and have been around the block. She's everything I ever wanted in a partner...then I discovered the addiction. You are saving people from going through what you went through. I'm sorry you had to go through it so I didn't. Good luck man.
+1
7:44 yep yep yep!!! That’s a real problem.
And what if they push you away even after rehab they’ve been to for 3 months? During rehab it was difficult and when he knew when he was going to be coming back home he reached out first and seemed to be back to himself and once he got back home he became distant again and doesn’t even want to see me… rehab was supposed to help him but now seems that it’s even worse… what could be the reason?
My person cheated with a prostitute in Amsterdam. Then was in a shame spiral and hated himself. The. Couldn’t deal with the feelings and broke up with ME, after he was the one that screwed up. After 13 years. Heart shattered
What is with the silent treatment from the addicted person?
Second post...if you love them, walk away until they figure it out or youllylove to resent them.
Hi Amber ,, another really good broadcast. I used to imagine our relationship like a scene from the movie Top Gun 86 ( Original) . Our relationship F14 hits some turbulence and falls into a flat spin ,, is it non recoverable? .. The pilot is drunk at the controls,, and has passed out over the controls . I try to navigate from the back seat 💺,, but each time I reach round the pilots seat to get at the controls , I’m unable to to get the pilot to move , , but I persist and am about to reach them , , when the pilot awakens, and to stop me gaining control , ejects me through the canopy, banging my head , but safely ejected and the parachute deployed I then just watch as the F14 spins , non recoverable , in this case ,down ,,,, falling , falls ,,,, CRASH 💥
Wow! Spot on!!!!! 🛩️🛩️🛩️🛩️🛩️🕶️🕶️🕶️
I am so damn angry and I don't know how to not carry around all this resentment. How on earth does a human get through this? Why do I have to tiptoe around everything and him? Who is looking out for me? I'm so tired and so mad at this devastating addictive substance called alcohol. It has ruined my life by having to watch those that i love succumb to it. I realize this sounds very selfish and not compassionate but no one is ever there for me and I'm tired tired tired.
How do you approach/handle the alcoholic who has reached the passive suicidality mindset and is showing symptoms of chronic alcohol poisoning/ liver damage/ kidney not functioning? Drinking at least 15+ standard drinks/day?
This is my life
My 21yr old daughter doesn’t live at home and is an addict in an abusive codependent relationship. No job, no school.
I pay for her phone (lifeline?)
Her dad wants me to stop paying it.
I’m having a difficult time doing that.
We think it's okay to pay for phone, for your own peace of mind.
@@PutTheShovelDown thank you for the support. The phone allows for proof of life after not hearing from her for weeks.
What about when there are young children involved though?
I have been following your advice on staying out of bad guy role and now they seem to be angry at that, like my being ok is making they're addiction more glaring. They get angry and almost are imaging Im mad when Im not or judging them when I am seriously not. Is this a good sign or no sign at all? They seem determined to make me the bad guy by picking fights even.
My spouse is in active addiction just came home after being g gone for 2 weeks can I enforce the boundry of ciunselling if he continues living hhetr
I am trying to get my son help since we brought him back. Is it mean to tell him that people are afraid of him? I want to protect him. 😢I am afraid that people miss understand and hurt him.
That’s easy, we don’t want anyone to comment on our addiction
💯💯💯
So, should I ever share this information with the addicted loved one? I have a tendency of learning things throughout this process, and going to my addicted husband, who then I feel like gets angrier at me for...learning? I want to share because it's like "Look, this is how your brain is working!" but also "this is how my brain is working and why I am the way I am" and this does such a great job of explaining it. But I don't know if that's something one should do?
Mind your own business and have business to mind. Use this valuable information to help you do that
Third times a charm. Don't put up with crap from a drunk. If they cared about you they would do what it takes to be with you. A good partner is hard to find, just walked away from a drunk on the third binge that i wanted to be my real one. Oh well, her choice was the bottle instead.
Why do people want others to respect their human right to privacy? Why do people not want the unpleasant side of their character and lives to be exposed? Why do people discuss the human faults of others and attempt to conceal their own? Who among us has nothing to hide? The list goes on..
Gosh darn it. lol When is your live I keep missing? I cant seem to pin poin the time. I am in PST.
Awwww man. It’s at 1 eastern. I think that would be 10am your time?
Its hard, i support my daughter andvher stepndad, however rest of family spend thier time wanting remind my daughter how she abused us all for 20 yrs, my daughter has flash backs how terrible she treated her daughter all of us over 6 years she apologised to us all, she cried felt terrible shame, but the family have turned thirr backs, after 6 years sober, i thought they would be happy they hated her being acholic, they never stood by me while i councilled her.??????
He is a alcoholic and he pushed me away he told me to.leave him alone and blocked me on fb 😮
7 years clean take him back 2 years good relationship last 2 years about once a month he disappears after his drug test for sub DR… but he says he’s not, when he is home up until 5 days before dr, sleeps for about a day then all of our blinds are broken ( we are being spied on) then I’m accused of cheating literally the last conversation was you know that time I called from jail told you I haven’t finished a book since 8th grade, at the federal court house they seen you made jokes “it made me laugh to” 😳 I have only been in that court in 2014 … nope I’m lying reason to leave his wife and teenage daughters blocks us live in our camper one county over. But wait… 1 week later, I get the text HEY! Dont ignore it because they will just come home and pretend nothing happened play video games… and we are so thankful he’s home we don’t ruffle feathers. Push pull we slam and yank. Every time I love him less.
My husband drinks an gets very aggressive an snaps at me an kids , how do I handle this situation?
Hi Deon. Take a look at this video. Its on that very topic: czcams.com/video/gZPRs31DhZk/video.html
My so called girlfriend has been drinking for 5 years and took up smoking to . I. 5 years she has changed physical and her mind . She is showing signs of alcoholic brain damage. Also when drunk her mouth and hands go stiff . She has made bad judgment with random men . Some younger . She is 47 and I’m 60 . I sailed away to another country. I gave my support on many levels. She lost her 3 boys plus a lot of $ . Has become homeless a few times but defaults to random places to stay . This woman has a degree in the Arts and was married to a very nice hi functioning guy . It’s do sad to witness.
Is it just me or has bpd literally exploded as a diagnosis for ppl with SUDs?? That and schizoaffective disorder. It just seems like a LOT of ppl say their kids have 1 or the other or both....
My pleasure. I'm just happy these videos are helpful to you!
My husband has been sober for 36 days. I feel something is missing. I feel he is not interested in me unless he needs me for something
This is not about you. Walk it out.
The perfect example of urgency is a smoker.
It is very lonely to be in a relationship with somebody addicted to alcahole. I very rarely see affection, no communication, no intimacy, no nothing. Everyday is the same in my home. Comes home, reaches for a drink, makes a video call to friends and they just drink while ignoring family around them. Or if friends don't answer the video calls the evening is spent with head in a phone, downing beer after beer until they crash out in the lounge. I just shut myself away as being ignored all evening hurts to much. It's heartbreaking to watch and deal with. And any communication is usually I have worked, I have things to do, I just need time to myself, it's just excuse after excuse to push you away so they can drink until they crash out.
Divorced my husband because of that. Best decision ever. He was an alcoholic and addicted to opiates.
@@peacelove7437Can I please ask what was the last straw for you? Did you feel afraid when walking away? Has he ever had regreat now that he has lost you? Has he ever said sorry?
Listen N observe good N melodious English.
Is gaslighting very much a apart of their addiction
Yes
My wife is a fall down drunk been married under a year ger personality changes she has dffrent 1s and she is evil she is truly crazy she needs help ehat should i do cause she will make me go 2 jail
Get out and don't look back. Sorry, but you know what you have to do. Good luck man
U ramble on and go off topic so I forget the one thing u just said. Ur videos would be so much shorter if u got to the point
Mean
Actually I do have a question. A very popular thing here is making video calls with 3 or 4 friends and just sitting on the phone with each other drinking. They all have families and children yet the would rather be video calling for hours getting drunk. How do you stop this? I feel like it's a losing battle and have just given up.