The Truth About Why Addicts and Alcoholics Behave So Selfishly
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- čas přidán 7. 09. 2020
- It certainly appears that addicts and alcoholics are selfish. But is that really true? If so, are they naturally selfish or does the addiction make them selfish? All of this (plus more) will be covered in this video. 🤔To learn more about the PSYCHOLOGY OF ADDICTION, watch this next: 👉 • Why Your Addicted Love...
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I'm in a compounded situation.....I'm 40, and met my father for the first time at 37. The first two years were GREAT! Being a mixed black man....I had a LOT of questions, and I got them answered. Well, September of 2021, he started acting weird. I'd get 20 texts back to back of nonsense, he'd be frantic sometimes on the phone, and sometimes clearly drunk. It all turned a head when he got booted from his apartment for trashing the place, and being disorderly, he couldn't hide it from me anymore, he came clean. He's a vet, so he was sent to rehab. I spent time, and money getting this "father" who was never there help....I felt that God would smile on me, and me being so helpful would help dad change his ways. He did six months (mentioned this was his 42nd stint in rehab). He got out, and started acting "weird" again within the first week. He'd confess when I confronted him that not only had he been drinking (no lie, 2 fifths by ten am....he blew a .4 when the cops came to his new place, and he had the gall to brag that he'd blown a .8 once!!!), but he'd also been doing coke. My sister has access to his account, and said within a two week period he'd blown 4 grand. She checked because I told her that he confessed to buying it daily.
I had a tough decision. I've become very successful, I have two beautiful children, and I live a very clean life, it was like I'd picked up a new job, my life was seriously being changed, and not in the good way that I had hoped, he came in like a wrecking ball! I had to establish boundaries, there's sacrifices that I had to constantly make that are too vast to mention here. I gave him an ultimatum, he has to clean up, otherwise, I can't involve myself in these things, and I'd go my own way without him; my own mental and emotional health was at stake. I gave him one last shot, well....he didn't take it. He verbally abused me, tried gaslighting me, manipulation, you name it. I stood my ground though, I never answered, and put his abusive texts on mute after so many. In the course of two months, no exaggeration, he'd send roughly 200 texts ranging from abuse, nonsense, apologies, right back to abuse, right back into apologies. It was not a good ordeal. In the end, I had to sit with myself, and ask "is this person worth it, can I live without them?", unfortunately, the answer was "yes", I can live without them. At one point, drunkilly, he asked "I was never there, how come you never cursed me out?!", I said that I had no reason, but honestly, the state of him, what could I do to him that he hasn't already done to himself. Ironically, I saw first hand why he was never there, and again, he'd chosen the alcohol over his child. It was more motivation to be the best father that I can for my kids, and NEVER end up like that.
It is worth mentioning sometimes it is not even a substance, but an object, or a person or a behaviour that they are obsessed to. Especially when they try to cut down their usage, they tend to move their focus onto something else, or someone else. Then that thing/person/behaviour become so important you become secondary.
Great point . Thanks A.!
I don't exist to him anymore. Not enough kleenex. You give up everything and you don't exist.
I think my loved one has checked off every box in the selfishness department. AND I've heard every variation of the self-deceiving thoughts. Yikes.
Self deception is very powerful!
I wish we could create healthier societys and with it healthier families and children.
Me too Millstreet!
Me too! For now I wish cops were more successful at stopping the dealers.
Millstreet. That is starting om the wrong end. You must start in the famely and good famely walues. To think that the state is suposed to fix all of your problems makes things worse. If you fix the American famely you make America a beter place.
@@briepower8226 Yes and stopping the smuglers at the border.
My mom said last night, “I’ve always drank Jack Daniel’s whiskey…this is who I am. Take it or leave it!” Then she deflects the issue to pointing the finger at all the wrong things other people do or have done in the past. It’s so sad that she now identifies herself with whiskey and points out all the ugly things of others to take the light off herself. I just calmly say, “I love you mom. That’s the past and I don’t live there anymore. There’s no shame or guilt in getting help for yourself.” What else can I do?
Thank for putting this out there bc it’s let people understand how we are I’m Recovery addict so I love ypur channel
Thanks for watching and especially for taking the time to leave some positive feedback!
I am so glad I stumbled upon your channel. My sister is an addict and I am trying to understand why she is the way she is, and your videos have really helped me do that. Thank you so much.
You are so welcome, Alexa!
Fantastic your the only person who has ever understood people who are addicts
I don't know that I'd say that but I certainly appreciate the compliment.
The addict in my life sucks the life and energy out of me. I can not hang out with her for more than an hour or she gets out of control. Distractions, bouncing around from subject to subject. My head spins. “ Get me this, no I said get me that, I never said that. Get me what I want! “ “What do you want?” “ you should know what I want I just told you.!” Me: Go to another room and hope all hell doesn’t break loose. Lol 😂 It’s going to take me a good two days to recover from that abusive behavior. I noticed when I don’t do what they tell me to they blow up or pout. I pray for anyone dealing with an alcoholic.
Thank you so much for all the important info you put out, very useful. In my situation it’s not a family member, but a close friend(woman). Much of the content in your videos applies to this relationship, but some is different since we have a friendship and don’t live together. This summer we “lived together” for two weeks, we were on the road together in a mobile home that we rented. It was during this period that I finally realised she has a very serious drinking problem, much worse than I was aware of. I witnessed my friend take her first glass of wine when she got up in the morning, drinking all day through until she passed out in the middle of the night. I did the driving, I also drank, but just in the evenings and moderately. I felt more and more frustrated because I had asked her to not drink while I was driving, I wanted her to be sober in case I needed her directing-help with backing the vehicle - the roads can be very narrow in the parts of the country where we went, not room for two big vehicles to pass one another. Also this was the first time I drove a (big)motorhome. She respected my request in the beginning and that meant that we could enjoy things to see on the way, exhibitions and beautiful nature. But after a couple of days, she started to drink from the morning- arguing that she still was capable of helping in any situation that would occur. In the second week it was bad, the alcohol was more important than anything else, and I just gave up any plan of doing something together that didn’t include alcohol. After our holiday, the plan was that she should come to my cottage - she wanted to hike with me in the mountains. I got so stressed about this, my cottage is part of a bigger family place, with teenagers and small children all over. I thought I had to protect my children, my siblings children and grandchildren. It was so hard, I contacted a public guiding phone on addiction and asked them for help, thinking my wording was crucial. I had a really hard time to explain for myself why it was a problem that my friend might drink 24/7 in and around my cottage. The only reason I could articulate was that I found it difficult if the drinking had to start in the morning- and that I thought the children and my family also would find it difficult- so that was what I said, and that I suggested we waited with the wine till dinner-time, and that she was very welcome if this was ok. As I have understood it, this was a boundary and not an ultimatum, I set the boundary to protect my family and my self. But; my friend got very upset and felt wounded. She wanted us to meet, she also had things to say, that the vacation was so stressful that this was the reason why she drank so much while we were on the road and that she also had things she wanted to say. I said again that she was very much welcome, and that I love her, but that I wanted to postpone the drinking to dinner time.
I am sure that to her my boundary felt like an ultimatum - and we have barely spoken since. It was clear to me afterwards that she wasn’t sober when we had our conversation when I set my boundary, she phoned me the next day and I had to clarify and repeat what I had said. She had misunderstood important parts. I don’t know what to do with this situation, I feel it’s so difficult to talk and solve this when she has been drinking. Could such dilemmas be something you could talk about? I can’t find anything about such problems anywhere, and this is really so hard. I feel that I have turned into this horrible human being, I have a really bad conscience - I really want to help her, but don’t know how. I have been thinking about contacting some other of her friends- maybe suggest that we go to her and one by one express our love, concern, and wish to help her and that we will stand by her if she decides to get help, but if I contact her friends (who are all concerned, but also sick and tired of the problems) I feel that I am going behind her back, I know that will make her furious. But surely if she dies, she has been suicidal from time to time. Isn’t that putting it in perspective? I feel I must do something- couldn’t live with myself if something really bad happens. But what and how I am not sure, she is in total denial and cannot stand anyone tell her what to do. Sorry for my long story, but I just had to explain - love from Lise
Wow! It sounds like you got an up close view of it this summer! It's completely okay that you don't want to have drinking about your family/kids all day long. It sounds to me like she's putting you in the "bad guy" role.
Put The Shovel Down, thank you so much, I respect that you can’t give advice, off course not👍But, families also live amongst friends and I guess there’s many dilemmas here, could you please think of maybe putting something out there about how to manage a friendship with a alcoholic since there might be some differences and as a loving friend, it’s so painful to watch the alcohol(ic), destroying everything, family, their children, job and their best friendships. We might be a resource to use if we act in the right way❤️Lise
My husband is literally all of the above eveydays the last day or when i fine out he pawned something of mine or the kids oh i thought id get it back before you missed it or he blames me for using or the kids or i cant help it im an addict and he does it all knowing he hurts me and the kids he admits that when he gets high he doesnt care about us and im getting to the point where i just dont care anymore sounds mean but i cant stand him when hes high he acts weird and crazy and inappropriate like a giant ball of Chaos thats never going to stop ... Its the most depressing thing ive ever had to deal with in my life all i hate it im sick of crying all the time im sick of the lies and the broken promises i just want to be happy
It doesn't sound mean at all!
Take a tip from an addict and be selfish. Do whats best for you!
My son is an addict. I can guarantee if it was a spouse putting me through all this I would leave their ass in a heartbeat. As a mom, it’s a little harder although my son is pushing me to that point. Don’t waste your life putting up with an adult addict. They are going to do what they’re going to do no matter what. They don’t consider you at all.
Leave him as soon as possible and get a divorce when you can. Alcoholics are the most selfish people on the planet and he certainly doesn't love you or the children otherwise he wouldn't behave this way. Start making plans now to get rid of him, try and have money saved up and find somewhere else to live or kick him out of the house you share. Plan your separation and learn to be independent and not rely on people. Look up Sassy Gran who left her abusive alcoholic husband in an era when it wasn't commonly done. She done it with 5 children and had a successful life. If she done it you can to.
You have great explanations. Everything you say is so true!
I appreciate that!
A few more I hear …… “I know what I’m doing” “I know how much to take without overdosing” “I can start cutting back the amount” “I can get clean on my own” “I’m taking care of my family” “I’m paying bills and still going to work” “I can function “. As we know, the list goes on.
Sadly my spouse of 22 years has relapsed for the 3rd known time. We have kids, so I have some big decisions to make.
Classic! I've heard every single one of those so many times!
I have heard that exact same thing for 23 years
“ so you can get you and your loved one back on track “ not following how it’s my job to get my loved one back on track
Cause no one else will esp not the addict. It shouldn’t be your job but it is…. The resentment real
Thank you ma’am!
You're so welcome!
Thank you so very much for your help
You are so welcome!
The only instance where addiction is not selfish is a baby being born with an addiction from their addicted mother. Other than that, I've seen from experience that labeling addiction as an illness or disease only gives the addict yet another excuse not to take responsibility for their choices, i.e. "I can't help myself, addiction is a disease, pity me, feel sorry for me, I'm out of control, stop judging me, wah wah wah". Cancer and AIDs are real diseases/illnesses, no one chose to get those. Most of addiction is a weakness, a choice, easier than strength which is earned. They chose to do drugs and alcohol that changed how their brain functions.
Addiction is a consequence of those stupid choices and every time they choose the drug/alcohol over truly quitting, getting help, the more selfish they become. Until they take responsibility for their choices, they'll always be addicted to their substance. It's no one else's fault but their own (unless they're a baby born with addiction, that choice was taken from them, and that blame is on their selfish mother). It's pathetic and causes irreparable damage to family and friends. They don't care about us.
They just want us to keep enabling them. If you can't tell, I'm at the end of my rope with sympathizing with addicts (personal experience). I'm done.
Same
I had this thought tonight. In 12 steps the first step is acknowledging your powerlessness over a substance and that your life is out of control. That is not just true for the addict. The addicts behaviors take our power away and our lives become out of control. Somehow, I think there's freedom in seeing that, acknowledging that. I couldn't sleep and for some reason my mind went here. I think it's really an individual choice in how much you are willing to go through. I am not sure if I didn't hold on way to long. It's a constant wrestling. If you choose to stick around and fight, you must learn to keep your heart at peace. There are some things that we should never condone that I allowed. Live and learn. Bless you guys that fight for your families. You are all hereos in my book.
Of course they're selfish. Most obvious example would be parents who'd rather get high than raise their kids. It's always "poor me" as if the rest of the world don't have problems. They're so selfish they can't see that nobody gets makes it through life without suffering.
Absoutly On Point.
Thank you Pavel!
Thank you for your videos. I've drawn my line in the sand and I'm waiting for him to put his shovel down!
Love it!
So the denial is part of all the lies they tell themselves and others to justify their using? Equating it with someone who is starving is a good analogy, but still one that most of us (thankfully) cannot relate to. I think a better analogy is breathing, which we all must do to live. Describing the urge to use to a person who does not have addiction is tough. Also, could you go a bit into the physiological and neurological changes in the addicts brain and body? And the potentiality of their brains and bodies to fully recover?
Thanks for the recommendation Tara. I'll top those topics on my list!
Ah…that shocks me given the complaints I hear in family groups. It’s the number one thing I hear. I suspect, they just didn’t want to SAY it out loud in front of the addicts. Some (most people to be honest) people are not straightforward and saying something “perceived as negative” in some people’s eyes is something people are encouraged to not do. The old adage of “if you can’t say something nice then don’t say it at all.“ which could be the reason why they said nothing.
Things need to be said. People don’t like to hear the truth sometimes. And sometimes the truth isn’t nice.
Addicts are extremely selfish…and dishonest. it was the first thing I noticed!
This one is famous!
If your going to cause me of doing it then I might as well do it! Or if you can't prove it then I didn't do it .
Do these fit in this category?
Those are classic! I've heard both of them countless times.
I've said that one many times........I'm not hurting anyone else but myself. You find out that's not really true even if you haven't caused any wrecks, physically hurt anyone else, had DUI's , etc. If this disease has you to the point you have to be selfish, whether normal or not for you, to survive thru the day, then you will be hurting someone who loves you. Just no way around it. You are not "present".......you like being alone. You don't have to explain or hide how much you drink.
Personally I'm not selfish normally......I really like giving back or helping others. What I'm doing now to stay sobeer. It's just the disease shifts that to a non-priority. Not that you want that, and that's part of not wanting to look in the mirror every day. You know you are someone you weren't, selfish, living a lie, etc. I think anyone in the severe stage of addiction is going into survival mode, which to everyone else if selfish for sure.
Jon Milburn very well said Jon!
@@PutTheShovelDown thanks Amber.......good video. On point . Just like the disease, and the slow progression down on your mental and physical health, you don't realize how selfish you act until you are clear of it and look back. Pretty eye opening.
My ex had issues with addiction. He seemed to be hijacked by the addiction . He made the Impression like sth was chasing him all day, very agitated, mood swings, lots of anxiety and i before i knew what was going on i always thought it was some kind of mental illness even his psychiatrist thought that . I look a lot into Gabor Mate lately, i like his work and i am very thankfull for Ambers Videos. A lot of it made sense after watching her awesome Videos. Very thankfull for that 🙏
I'm an addict. My core personality is selfish. I need to be selfish to work on me so I can be a good person. I'm a little bit sociopathetic. If I'm selfish focus on me only. You get a nice trust worthy guy, but to my core is selfish. I'm not putting myself down. I have been sober for 3 years because I focus on me and I'm a nice guy when I'm sober. If you do me wrong and I get resentful. You get the rotten side off my personality.
You've got great insight, Skoopyghost!
My husband I suspect is also sociopathic. Can you outline any more traits you have that you’d say you know are against the grain but don’t care? I want to compare notes…
He is a dry drunk currently and his mindset is totally delusional. It’s like he drank himself into brain damage and lives in another reality…. His main needs are others pity, others to give him sympathy, being the victim no matter how much of a monster he has been, any one else’s slights are WAY worse than the horrendous literal crimes he’s committed against the person lol…. He’s always walking around behaving like a ‘nice’ guy… appeasing people only. He has no personality, no friends, no life, no sense of responsibility and definitely is revolted when he has consequences. To me he is deeply evil. He is jeckyl and hyde. I’m leaving him but I’m just curious cause it fascinates me how he actually walks around with zero awareness that he’s got major problems. It’s so ugly at this point but it’s so bad that it’s actually funny now…. 😳 I used to be terrified… but I got empowered through realizing all of this and healing my codependency…
@@ESumner Sure can.
I would agree my husband up and lefted me I'm trying not to blame myself but the hurt is deep
When someone has an addiction, they just aren't thinking straight 😢
Addicts are perceived as selfish by those that make them the actual victim.
My husband had a heart issue, I won't go into all the details but he's not supposed to be alive. When his sister called him at the hospital it was not to see how he was doing it was to tell him that she was going on a trip and she did not want to talk about his heart surgery. She's an alcoholic and very self-absorbed. We live about 2,000 miles apart.........I like it that way😒
Thank you. I don't see the link to the video you referenced by "The Middle"
HI Dee, I think this is the link: czcams.com/video/9yNYQQ_iNds/video.html
@@PutTheShovelDown thank you so much!
I’m in recovery now. This is accurate. Thanks.
Thanks NOWmaryme! and congrats on being in recovery!!
Needing honest advice please.., I love your videos! Super helpful & appreciated. I’ve been in a relationship for over a year now. Caught my bf lieing to me about his meth addiction twice, by finding the evidence, without searching. Fell into my lap. Needless to say, I have a hard time trusting him now., because he lies instead of being honest about it., and us working thru it, together. So, I made a statement to him , not to come over, if he had been using, yesterday. He gets mad at me., for even bringing it up?! Is that normal?
Amy N. Cole unfortunately it is a normal response from someone in active addiction. They need to make the you the bad guy to avoid their own guilt.
Put The Shovel Down thank you for ur response and all of ur helpful videos.
Do they stop seeing you as the bad guy after they get sober? Or will you always appear to them to be the monster they're telling themselves you are?
My adult son is addicted to fentanyl and he is very well aware he has a problem and hates living on the streets after losing everything he had. On one of the videos about "invisible intervention" you mention finding that one thing that's prevented them from going to the next step and one of the specifics you gave was when they are so terrified of the physical withdrawal. That is the BIGGEST hurdle he cannot get himself past (he did get himself of the pills once so he knows there is a 48 hour period where there's nothing that a detox place can give him to help reduce those withdraws). Can anyone out there give me an idea of how to help him work through that thing that's preventing him from getting to the detox? He tells me they are so bad that he can't do it cold Turkey for that 48 hour period and this is why he hasn't gone to detox yet. He doesnt have insurance so he can only go to the state run detox.
Any suggestions at all? As his mom I don't know how much more I can handle
Jennifer Andrews hi Jennifer, check out this guys CZcams channel. He talks specifically about opioid detox methods. He has a whole website about ways to come off of opioids. czcams.com/channels/QMSPjVfVQ1zmhdbm4vC14A.html
@@PutTheShovelDown thank you SO much. I know its killing him and he wants it to end but that fear is overriding above all else. I will check this out immediately!!! Thank you and God bless!!
Did I drop my shovel?
(Amber Hollingsworth)
Magical woman
Your sorcery affects me not
But I’m loving
every one of your videos a lot
But wait, as your eyes capture my soul
I gain strength
Your words are lies, but make me whole
Are you my friend?
I know what you say is true
but that doesn’t rhyme
I need this beer, and your oceans too are blue
cognitive dissonance is a crime
Stronger now, but I’m having one more
Your video stopped
and left me wishing for shore
I think my shovel dropped
Mark van Poppel
🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩Wow! That was so beautiful 💝💝💝🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩
Drug in the street or at the drugs store are both equally bad.
I been sober of all drug for 6 years and I been sober of med for 4 month and I have taken back my live into my own hand and never again I will fuck it up.
They blame it on me (the mom) lying about him stealing from his best friends mother because I’m trying to ruin his life.
I need help trying to understand and to cope. First off I respect where eveyone is coming from. Knew so many people who were like this then knew some people who wanted help. But still died to their addictions. How should I look at this ?
😪 sorry about that last comment i snapped out a little we are having a difficult time right now
I think we can all identify with exactly what you're saying! No need to apologize.
when I first experienced it, it was like I was suddenly thrown into a fantasy film without any warning. You are not alone. It is time to build up your personal boundaries and self-sufficient way of living to get back up yourself.
@@AYe-ly2yo thats exactly what it feels like. Like im in a bad dream that i cant wake up from. I love him so much but i wish i didnt i wish i could not care and just let him go i always feel so bad for saying things like that but i do think about it. I need a support system to and hes supposed to be that but i really just feel totally alone and that hurts.
@@ashleyklish7404 well, in these situations, it is the time to learn you need to be your own support system. If you are religious, then god. In my case, I broke up and moved on because my ex's situation is really bad. He became very emotionally abusive. Some of the things he did and say actually makes me feel sick. It took a while, but I did move on. In fact, I don't even consider him to be my ex anymore because things he's said and done are not things that I would even remotely consider to be included in my life, regardless the reason being addiction or not. I see our relationship as a misunderstanding.
@@AYe-ly2yo im in that exact situation hes so bad that things have even become physical hes changed every day is the day im gunna get the call they found him dead and if not that jail and if not jail then i dread him coming back home and being mean to me and my kids i dont know whats wrong with me i dont know why i love and care about him i dont know why i cant let him go sucks im living this life style amd it feels like its slowly killing me
I love you
Geeee, you're making me blush Melissa!
Hypothetically if you knew somebody that you actually really enjoyed being around to the point that you did things you wouldn't normally do by yourself Including spending money like there's No tomorrow. And putting your full trust in this person only to personally witness. Them get you hooked on something that they wind up actually stealing from you after you have already paid for yourself. Is that ground enough to separate from someone completely? Or should I work on what friendship? I thought was there in the beginning. Is it really an addiction problem? Or. Am I seeing them for their true Self
My sister is a real cow when she’s drunk ,I actually see why women get attacked ,not saying is the way to go but everybody has their breaking point ,I just ignore her. /she is selfish along with other things
So my meth and alcohol addicted son is leaving rehab on a pass on 29th. And its to go too court for drinking in public. Which happened before he went to rehab. He has been there a little over 30 days now. Im surprised he could not get the court to post phone his court date. He is in rehab for gods sake.
That is strange, usually they will postpone the date if you're in rehab.
Being in rehab SHOULD be a plus for him. If he can show he's in rehab he could get probation or even a suspended sentence contingent on finishing rehab. It also depends on his record. It wouldnt make sense to take him out of rehab to make him do jail for a fairly minor charge.
@@PutTheShovelDown I kind of thought the same. This happened before he went to rehab him drinking in public. He said the court would not extend the date. So my other son got him a round trip airline ticket to come and go back to the rehab.Which if driving is a 6 hour drive. I hope he is not just using that as an excuse to leave rehab. One way i will know is if he brings all his clothes back.He is getting a pass to go too court then he is suppose to go back. So far i had heard he liked the program.Also he has no priors he had never been arrested for anything.
So youre one of the family members shes talking about....one that excuses the behavior
@@missmargmillionaire6421 What in the world are you talking about??? I excuse what??? For one you dont know me and my whole situation so do us a favor if you don't know all the facts be quiet.
Theres selfishness in everyone its human nature
Absolutely true!
I do it because I'm in a lot of pain.
Do what? Are you getting help?
@Illusionchild shut up
If you're saying you use opioids because of physical pain, then it would be best to taper off, which you can do with the assistance of clonidine. To treat the pain, you will want potent anti-inflammatories, such as diclofenac, which won't lose their potency for you. Good luck to you!
@@smnewstead4093 No my husband is in a lot of pain and uses alcohol to cope.
@@diannmiller6755 Oh, sorry for your situation. I'm a biochemist. Alcohol binds to the GABA receptor and that does reduce pain, but luckily, there are other ways to do that! Gabapentin helps, as does GABA, which is over the counter. Acamprosate, which is available by prescription or from India, increases GABA and reduces dependence on alcohol. I wish you luck on your journey! Please don't pay attention to people lacking empathy, either.
Q/ What do you call a greedy Crustacea. A/shellfish
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They are selfish because they are in survival mode. Like someone who is starving. And they are in denial, they lie to themselves about how bad it is.
100%
Sorry, I’m a grammar nazi. It’s “ I couldn’t care less”. A lot of people think it’s “ I could care less”
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They are sick and suffering NOT selfish