The Ultimate Dilemma of Being In A Relationship with an Addict or Alcoholic
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 17. 06. 2020
- If you're in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic, then you're likely constantly asking yourself if you should stay or go? Maybe you've even become addicted to the relationship. You know it's not healthy but you just can't let go of it. In this video, we will talk with relationship expert Kim Garrett about codependency addiction, why we get so stuck, and how to find ourselves again.
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Iâve never been physically addicted to drugs, but I have had problems of turning to drugs in hard or depressive times. I will occasionally go through a destructive phase and then I stop once I run myself in the ground. Iâve been this way for years. Sometimes Iâll go a full year completely sober. Other times Iâll run the cycle every other month. Do you have any videos that address anything similar to this? Iâm loving your channel.
How do we reach Kim to set up an appointment? TIA â€ïž
I think it is time to leave when you want a better life for yourself.
Good advice, A. Ye!
Absolutely, well put. Nothing too "serious" has to happen in order to want that, just the ups and downs are enough and you don't need to justify it.
Straight to the point
I felt that when she said, u forget to have fun and enjoy life,,, my focus has just been helpingmy addict gf
I know itâs time to get out but she has nowhere to go and Iâm feeling so guilty
Finally some real talk for those of us with addicted partners. Been trying to make my decision forever and it's ruining me. This happens to guys in relationships too not just women. Love and light!
It absolutely does happen to guys as well. Women can be very aggressive and problematic when they have substance abuse issues, just like men!
it's already ruined me! n I still don't know how to leave....he's my only "friend/family"
After two years of dealing with the anger, loneliness, disappointment, missed opportunities, ruined Holidays. I gave up. I tried everything and back again. It's a hard decision. And it hurts. But in the end you have to look after yourself. Because while you are busy constantly sorting your partner out. You realise you have neglected yourself. I'm free. It wasn't easy. And I still struggle. She was the Love of my life. But she chose drink. I chose life. You've only got a short time on this world. Make the best of it. Be yourself. Be free. Al Anon is a good place to get advice from like minded people. You're not alone. Good luck.
@@markyboy7618 yup Iâm over it. I blocked her out and moved on. Itâs hard sometimes but the key for me was to cut it early before my mind gets fixated on her. Then quickly give my mind something else to work out. Also imagining that sheâs just a kid still growing up so and to let her go learn on her own. Happy now and just focusing positive forward moving life giving things in my life.
Your life matters ! Think of yourself before you lose yourself in their addiction! Find peace in your life and move on and be happy.
The abuse I've experienced at the hands of my alcoholic husband is nothing short of sadism. I've lost all sympathy for alcholics. I've run out of tears to cry.
I hope you were able to get out of the relationship đą
I hope you can find healing through support groups like Al-Anon. Iâm struggling with my husbands alcoholism and I may need to go back to meetings.
Yup fuck them!!
Its funny cause I said the exact same word with him. "Sadism". I told that it was wild to hurt someone that is suffering. I am just understanding the meaning of dry drunk as well.
I just had to call my parents to intervene after my boyfriend just got violent with me. My mom told me I should be crying right now not stressed out. I said I've ran out of tears over this.
I have been dating someone for about three months and he treated me so well. He would disappear for a day or two without reason. At first I thought that he was cheating but soon found out based on his looks and behaviors that is was drugs. I was so hurt because he never told me that drugs was in his history. When I confronted him he became angry, and began to accuse me of silly things like cheating and other things that made no sense. Needless to say his sudden agitation and anger after he had been so loving and kind, led me to cut it off with him. I truly began to fall in love with him but Thankful that I had dodged the bullet.
It's amazing how fact their attitude can shift!
My guy did the same with me after a year of him being clean. Be grateful you didnât waste any more of your precious time.
@@PutTheShovelDown Sooo fast my head is still spinning.
Please could you explain a bit more how his appearance was; I think I was with an addict but never realised. Itâs my therapist who noticed đ«
Enjoy surviving that bullet.
I'm just finally burned out from my alcoholic hubs. The emotional, verbal abuse, gaslighting,& complete lack of accountability are insane!! I'm the only person who truly sees the behavior, too. Financial reasons have kept me in this, but I'm at a point now that I'd rather struggle financially than deal with all of this. đą
Iâm in the same position.
I've found that when you have a strong sense of self, you are less likely to be influenced by gaslighting and lies. Nobody can make you feel less than or crazy when you know who you are and you practice self care. That is recovery.
That's good advice!
It's very true, the higher my self esteem is, the less I'm impacted by others behaviour.
I know that 1) I can't know anyone's intention 2) people are people, all flawed, incl. Me 3) hurt people hurt people, it's about them, not about you.
Life-changing
I leave my alcoholic husband.
I feel peace for not being with him but sometimes I feel bad for leaving him.
But I tried so hard to be strong alone.
I just ended a relationship because of his drinking .it was hard because he is a good man but I don't see a future with someone who drinks and also drinks to destress and he can't find another way to destress. He ends up drinking too much.i saw a person I didn't like and I don't want a future with and I've really tried .I've been supportive and I've tried to get him to go to meetings and counseling and he doesn't think he needs that and I can't get through to him and I know I won't.. He doesn't think he has a problem and I honestly don't think he will stop drinking. I did what was right for me.
How are you now?
Your channel has been such a eye opener. I feel like I've been in a dramatic, chaotic, emotional roller-coaster with my bf for 7 years. His family did not help his issues. I lost myself completely. I feel like I was his enabler for drugs and alcohol. I cannot tell you what a weight off my shoulders ending the relationship is. Omg... Gaslighting daily, denial and what a victim. Emotional and financial abuse. I'm free!!! I'm discovering my old self again daily. â€ïž
Thatâs wonderful, Leigh! Thank you for the kind feedback â€ïž
For me it was 1 year of absolute terror...constant lying, fake promises, gaslighting, manipulation and all to repeat the same cycle the every one or two weeks. And again, drunk, lying, hurting, negleting until i break up. Next day sober he would make all the apologies, fake promisses, future faking, promising rehab and therapy help bla bla....and again another cycle...
â@@mary_jane6670it's so comforting apologies reading your comment. I have the very same issue and I feel so trapped. Angry & bitter he isn't a happy person anymore and gets high/drunk every chance he gets when friends or family are now rarely around he embarrasses himself and me
Just left.....he hasn't changed...loves the alcohol more...simple
Same here. Four months ago. She said she was on detox. Obviously didn't believe a word. And when I dropped some left over stuff of hers off. She was hammered. At Noon. Yeah. And had a delivery of more as I was about to leave for the last time. That is the picture I will have in my mind for the rest of my life. How sad. A tragedy. The Love of my life.
Leaving. Anytime from now
Even they quit or calm down they will still take that sip and their attitude still there
Same Im out keep your gabapentin and weedâđŸ
Me right now and Iâm 5 months in.. I canât take it anymore.
And this doesn't change that much after 9 years of being sober either, the emotional stuff inside them is what's wrong, not the substance abuse.
Ouch, that makes me solid in my choice for sure
@@westcoastweird455 Sorry, I know, 7 months after ending things I'm still healing from that stuff... I think it's a good choice to stop expecting things to change and to start the healing process sooner rather than later.
I totally agree! The substance abuse seems to be a physical representation of the emotional/psychological issues.
@@kameishagreenunapologetica8210 Exaaactly. Absolutely agree on this. It's too bad they've sold us it's the other way around.
Aha
I gave up drinking a year ago with no help from anyone apart from myself. I did not want any help from anyone, even my partner. Thankfully the love we feel for each other has shone through and we are really happy now. So it is not always the case that addicts are messed up trash. I guess it depends on how far down the road the addict has gone.
It gets worse when you have two alcoholics not in recovering. No one gets under your skin like an resentful addict.
@@Skoopyghost I'm sure that is really hard, however, I was addressing the people who left comments stating that alcoholics are hopeless scumbags and the only course of action is to leave them. If my partner had left me I'm fairly sure I would be in a terrible mess. Thankfully not the case, but the very best of luck with your problems.
I needed this â€
I was in such a dilemma with my addicted spouse, I loved him so very much I loved his personality and everything about him and still at the end the addiction has won. He was taken by his addiction and so was our relationship. It is so sad, truely. Heartbreaking
It really is heartbreaking. Addiction takes down so many good people!
I feel the same way I just told him to go I can't do it anymore. I lost my best friend months ago. It was just his empty she'll that I had. Be strong I'm trying too
Same with me... so so heartbreaking.
@@TapIntoAlignment the same here i had to save me.
Iâm in the same boat now. Itâs gotten so bad that thereâs no way to continue. Thereâs no hope for sobriety anymore.
Just left my girlfriend who is an alcoholic. I was the classic enabler all the way up till she hit rehab. She got out of rehab and I changed, but she didn't. It took a week for her to ask me for vodka. I said no. A week later she probably snuck alcohol around me, and was trashed in front of my dad. Claimed it was her muscle relaxers. Found the bottle the next week, and asked her to talk to me about it when she is tempted or does drink, and make some changes to her life to keep this from happening. (attend meetings, see a therapist, remove triggers, etc.) A little over a week later she called out to work to get drunk with someone she met in rehab. When I tried to talk to her about it, she literally did not pick up the phone or answer my text. She finally called me as I brought her things to her mother, but told her this will not work. She doesn't want to help herself. I can't fix it. Only thing I can do is help myself.
Bro Iâm in a very similar situation. My girlfriend is a binge drinker. Could be once a week, every two weeks, a month; but when it happens itâs a nightmare. Canât convince her to get help. Her daughter is trying to get through college and her anxiety is through the roof. Her and I have tried to do and say the right thing to convince but we just canât. Itâs a constant cycle of the same exact thing. Weâre both terrified weâre gonna find her dead one day and I think thatâs why we donât cut her off. I just donât know what to do anymore and itâs killing me. Reading these comments help though. You like to think your story is somehow unique but you realize that millions of people are dealing with the same thing you are.
You ve done the right thing to leave my mum ended commit suicide cos my alcoholic dad she tried to help him to a point it affected her mental health. The addiction affects more the partner than themselves đą
It's very heartbreaking when all you do is try to help/fix them and it doesnt work. You love them so much. You just wish that was enough.
IF THEY DONâT QUIT LEAVE ITS THE ONLY THING THEY CAN SEE
They are narcissistic too.
Iâm over here trying to put the shovel down so I can stop digging my own grave. Married to the love of my life for 6 years, but we have been off and on for 19 years. Heâs a very addictive alcoholic. Thank you for being you. This is the best channel for me.
So glad it was at least a little helpful in a very tough situation.
If a person refuses to utilize the tools available to them, for their alcoholism/drug abuse......thats the choice they have made.....let them live with their consequences. We are each responsible for our own actions period.
The isolation is so severe at this point, I donât see the mental, emotional and physical strength to get out of this so I feel stuck like a catatonic zombie. The suffering has turned into numbness and I fear existing in this state for years. Not going anywhere forward. The fear is of withdrawal. The fear of feelings of abandonment is higher than the fear of staying. This is the scariest part atm. That it might take something severe to catapult me out of this. I have no hope nor faith in myself after trying to leave multiple times and returning due to panic from separation. Then isolate more.
My wife struggles with bing drinking, self medicating herself with anti depressants. She has three DUIâs and is drinking and driving again. Iâm so over her shit, but we have two young boys at home. Iâm watching my boys struggle with what she is doing. Iâm loosing myself trying to hold my house together. I work ten hour days. I get home, get the boys fed, do laundry, home work, she seems to not even be mentally attached to us most days. She wonât go to a counselor and get help. I gotta fuckin leave her, I canât take this crazy shit anymore!
I wish you well!!
My gf is an alcoholic went to rehab 2 times just came back home 3 days ago and is already back drinking. She hides it from me tell me iâm crazy that sheâs not drinking but smells of alcohol she tell her family lies saying iâm the bad guy meanwhile i donât drink at all she been talking to other guys every word outta her mouth is a lie.. 4 years down the drain ! For the guys out there leave, because staying is only gonna bring you more pain.. good guys finish last !
How are you doing two months later? Time to build your support network and get out of there. Look after those kids as your top priority.
stressful I understand mu bf is similar
is there AA for the spouses?
I think we all really need a video on how to go about building up your family and friends support either after or while being with an addicted spouse. Theres no resources out there that I can find on it
It's much harder when children are involved.
Like my situation am jobless, I need some help because i cannot stay here any longerđđ i have two kids
Truer words have never been spoken!
Yesssss it really is
@@auntiejane8209 You'll find a way to respectable way to provide for yourself and your children when you become the lioness and not the prey.
NEVER LEAVE WHEN THEY ARE HOME UNLESS YOU CAN DO IT SAFELY
Nicotine? If that was my biggest worry with my significant other I'd get down on my knees and thank God.
This helps me... thank you. I want to write Everything you said word for word and post it to the world. The gaslighting, the lying, the loss of family for loving an addict, and the things he says about me to our friends and his family instead of telling the truth. I'm judged from every angle.
My partner was alcoholic/ dependent he gave up 3 years ago everything was great. I stuck by him through his alcoholism it was so hard.
A year and a half after quitting alcohol he then started smoking weed. He spent all the savings on it leaving us with no money and weed is now his priority.
He has no intention of giving it up or cutting it down. His attitude is "if I don't like it I know where the door is".
I'm moving out in a few days after 10 years.
I stuck by him through one addiction and I'm not doing it with another. I feel like I'm wasting my life sticking around hoping for change.
I love him with every fiber of my being. But I have to put me first now.
I hope for his sake he sorts himself out as right now all he wants and spends money on is weed and without it he's a nightmare
wow my bf is the same he has a alcohol and coke addiction. I've been with him almost 2 years and I didn't now this until living with him. we were suppose to get married... he didn't pay my ring in full... he spend thousands on partying. he did help me also with my bills but he even doesn't make his kids a priority and I've been helping him and getting the kids gifts and trying to make them feel like they can have nice holidays because they are little....and hes just like whatever.... oh well things happen. it's really not good and it's exhausting to keep pushing someone in the right direction. I can't imagine partying all the time...not wanting to work...who cares if you see the kids... who cares if phone or bills get paid.... just party party go to the bar... and oh well. it blows my mind. I've never grown up around this or seen this in my life.
@@jdashlovela it's so mentally draining isn't it. You stick by them in hopes for change but it seems to take over their life.
Partying all the time will only get you so far in life before it comes crashing down and they stop enjoying it and ends up being dependent and depressed.
That's what happend with my ex he drank all the time became dependent on it and got really sick he got liver problems now.
He finally gave up when his body couldn't take it anymore and got detoxed he got better over time, looked and felt great and our relationship was great. We had savings life was good.
Then he started weed and he would say "at least it's not alcohol". Maybe not but the principles are the same.
Instead of alcohol taking over his life it's now weed. All the savings is gone because he spends ridiculous amounts on it. He started hanging around with his mates getting stoned I was on my own majority of the time, felt like a one sided relationship. His attitude changed towards me acting like I was the villain.
Everytime I would voice my feelings and concerns he would get defensive and act oblivious to the fact weed was the problem instead he would say I was the problem.
I did everything for him and stuck by him when no one else would through his alcoholism ect. I lost myself taking care of him just for it him to do it again with another addiction.
After 4 trips to rehab since October, and drinking again. I have had enough.
Iâve never had to deal with this type of issues in any relationship and Iâve had some really bad ones . Iâve known my husband for about 11 years before getting married . I had no idea the issues he faced and how bad it was truly. For first couple of months were hard but I figured it was changes, we bought a house and there was a lot of stress . Now years later we are still struggling to get a normal relationship going . Heâs been very reactive, disrespectful, cold, disconnected , etc. I started looking into things more and found a lot of lies and a pattern of drinking all day . This is heart crushing . Lots of talking and I feel like Iâm talking to a stone cold person that cares about everyone else but me . I take all the crap and everyone else gets the best of him . Iâm at the end of my rope . Love him to death but Iâm stressed out all the time and finding that Iâm becoming that crazy person that has to know everything their husbands doing . Not sleeping right and my eating is has decreased a great deal. Thatâs just crazy . Trying to stay grounded but itâs been hard and I am lost in what to do to better my situation . He doesnât think thereâs an addiction issue but agrees there is a problem. He said heâs going to counseling but I canât believe anything he says . He cannot tell me the truth , little or big. Iâm so lost in my head at this point .
I hope you are doing better now. Sorry for the sad experience
Amber, I am so grateful that I found your channel. I recently got out of a friendship with a drug addict a few months ago and I am struggling to this day from all of the name-calling, gaslighting, and manipulation that left me feeling confused and constantly second-guessing myself and my decisions to try and help this person. Everything seems to make sense again after watching your videos. I'm 17 and have learned a lot from your videos, and I will be better prepared for if I ever encounter another addicted person.
Hi Ryan, You've learned some really hard lessons for someone so young. But, all the things you're learning in this process will serve you well as an adult. You should be proud of yourself for showing great strength.
Thank you, ladies. The gas-lighting was a primary issue that I was overlooking. My awareness is now heightened.
I just left my husband a month ago and I can relate to all of this. I have frequent moments of self doubt.
It really is like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. there are no good answers
Am pregnant with my 2nd child its hard but i know i need to leave him .
@@karinagonzales9505 I just left my spouse after our first child was born. It's so hard and im still questioning what to do long term, but its what's best for our children if the home is toxic! Trust your gut girl!!!
You're not alone. I feel the same way but we must stay strong!
@@lizzi7128 8 months later and I haven't turned back. It's so freeing. I'm learning who I am without him and I've never been happier. We have a daughter together so I still have to see him. He still tries to reel me back in with his woe it's me stories. I told him I don't want the stress and issues that comes with him. My new life motto is "Protect Your Energy". Peace is so worth it. I wish you the best.
"Going towards yourself" being brought up as a practical thing you can do is so helpful
Thanks for giving out great insights on addiction!
I have been codependent on the relationship and resentment start to grow and I became really emotional, which eventually lead to a vicious cycle. I realize I need to take care of myself more and regain mental power to fight the addiction with the person I love.
You're so very welcome, Sortrachel!
Enough declares itself. Self Care is so important starting with little things. Many co-addicts have a fear of upsetting the addict by setting boundaries and practicing self care. Their response is their problem. Walking on eggshells only prolongs the inevitable. Such a hard thing loving an addict and you need to do your own work or you will roll into another relationship with an addict. Get off their back, get out of their way and get on wirh your life. Al-anon is a great support for those with an addict. You can tell how sick the addiction is by how crazy the spouse behaves. Much love to all and thanks for the great video!!
Spot on!
Love this!!!
I was with mine 9 years .I made him leave almost a year ago. I told him I can't be around him drinking or cheating .it's to hard and it hurts .he needs help .I was seeing him and I thought we could rebuild it but my trust isn't there .he still was lying and cheating and didn't change.....I just can't anymore. I'm numb now...I blocked him .
Thank you. Finally a video on spouses and loved ones of the addict. I have taken the plunge and am moving out in a couple of days. I tried to make it work, but my wife simply won't put down the bottle. A lot of the things you discussed I went through, mostly violence and her telling others and myself how bad I am and that it's my fault. It's been about 3 years and I just can't take it any more. It hurts as I really wanted my marriage to succeed and I still love her. I'm also worried about her and how she will cope now I'm gone, but I'm at the point where I need to think about myself and my own mental health. I really hope she will see the light before it's too late
This comment really resonated with me. I totally get this.
If I were to comment on this video this is almost word for word for my situation đ all the best sir and hope you find your happiness and well-being drastically increase đ«Ą
@@guppy9186 Thank you. I hope all is good with you and that you find happiness
Omg. Thank you for saying the things about getting angry. Then they are like âyouâre not cool anymore. Youâre a square. Youâre always angryâ đł
You're so welcome! People with addictions always tell me those things about their family members.
I feel this also 100%
Iâm so glad I found your channel. Your videos are helping me so much. This week I all of a sudden looked up and found myself dealing with my loved ones active addiction. Your videos make sense of my current emotions and Iâm learning so much.
Hi ChesiPaid, Thanks for your positive feedback. Knowing my videos help others is exactly what keeps me motivated to keep making them.
This is amazing!! One of your best videos yet, and helps me understand so much more and become stronger! Thank you
Lisa N Edwards so glad you liked it. That kim is really great!
@@PutTheShovelDown she's amazing! losing yourself in their addiction is the worst thing!!!! and the hardest thing to find again, because you don't know who you are and you need to start again
Thank you for this â€ïž my long-term partner is currently in active addiction and he has been lying about it for over a year (loved ones were all aware of past addiction but had no clue it was active. He OD a year ago and we thought that was the end of it. It wasn't). We were going to get married in a month and a half and he has now moved back in with his parents and is starting rehab. I am personally in a lot of pain because I do not want to leave him but I am so deep in his addiction emotionally and it's a lot to handle. This video has helped me see that leaving and staying are both valid options and that I don't need to choose right now. That can come later and when I know, I'll know. Thank you â€ïž
Love this comment!
The part where the wife says her husband told her he wasnt drinking but he has lost several jobs and destroyed several cars. Sometimes that is the truth, he isn't drinking he's doing drugs and your just not aware of it. It was true with my husband, I was so focused on believing his behavior was due to alcohol and he was also doing drugs.
WOW this is my first video of yours and Iâm so thankful i found you. You ladies literally said exactly what Iâm experiencing. Looking forward to watching more.
I'm going through it right now too. Are you doing better?
Thanks for referring this video to me! Gaslighting is what heâs been feeding onto me. I knew he was lying to me and he wants me to 2nd guess myself, so toxic! So sad that I didnât see this side of him and been with him for so long. He loves me a-lot but he doesnât love himself which I feel like I want to separate from him so he can have time to self reflect on himself. But when he thinks he doesnât need it and blames that Iâm crazy, Iâm out! Heading straight to the door. Now he donât want me to leave and give another lie that heâll change and heâs sorry, but I know he ainât sincere about it. If he wonât let me leave Iâll find a way. I know him like the back of my hand. He seriously have issue and he needs to realize his fault and guilt. Wasting no more time, no more years. Ladies and gents, Trust your instinct and love yourself. If he or she truly loves you they wonât hurt you. If they continue hurting you, get help together, if he/she donât want to commit to that to making ya relationship better and healthier, Run! If thereâs no trust, thereâs nothing! Anyway love this video!! Very helpful! *new subscriber đâš
Hi Mai, Welcome to the channel. We're so glad to have you as part of our community. Sounds like you're getting the confidence to make some serious changes.
Thank you so much đ excellent advice đ
For whoever is listening.. I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 4 years.. But in this case we both drink but, what i realized is that simply it isn't fun or entertaining anymore. the problem is she can't stop, she is what you would call a functioning alcoholic" on the outside her life is perfect looking in has the great job nice home. and such but besides that when it comes to socializing and hanging out alcohol always has to be involved and she doesn't think she is a alcoholic because she's not falling down drunk but she can drink 10 to 12 beers daily if it's in her presence. I can too but i have limits i can't drink like that everyday it takes its toll on me and when we argue about it she thinks i have the problem and she doesn't because she is fine.. and she loves drinking. awhile back we were going to a party and i told her just so we are clear I'm not drinking at this party and i swear i could see smoke coming out her ears she flipped out. Why are you even going if you aren't going to be drinking!!! i told her right there you don't see a problem with how you just reacted because i told you i wasn't going to drink?? Keep in mind this is a grown very grown almost 50 year old woman trying to make me feel like if i don't drink at the party then I'm the odd ball out.. that was a major red flag for me.. One time we were drinking at home and i asked her if i would look good modeling underwear.. I know silly right! But she responded with no then says her friend at works husband would look really good modeling underwear and the next day when she woke up i told her what she said and she literally didn't believe me she said that. She actually thought i was making it up. Normally she would never do or say anything like that but that all stems from being an alcoholic nowadays i feel like if I'm not drinking with her she sees me as the problem. I can give up drinking on the drop of a dime honestly.. But she can't she's always got an excuse and the crazy thing.is.none of her friends drink like her not even her best friend. We just bought a house together few years back and she's not even realizing as much as i love her I'm already 1 foot out the door. because as good as our life looks to the public eye it's almost like living with the devil. She messes up telling me she will never do or say things in the presence of company anymore then turns right around and does it when company is around and she is drinking, then when i call her out on it she turns it into the ohhh.. You're so perfect game you never make mistakes. Neither of us are perfect but in this relationship i can honestly say i am perfect i haven't messed up i haven't cheated or said i think her friends would look sexier in bra and panties stuff like that. Honestly sometimes i think she does things intentionally to make me mad in hopes that i will just leave her so she don't have to feel guilty about things she does and says. and this is things i know about as well as things i probably don't know about. I helped her change her life around pretty much financially, emotionally. and living situation. Now she is in the position she needs to be in and it's as if she's like thanks but i don't need you anymore unless you are continuously doing something for me. even saying things like if you leave me i will understand and telling me she's having dreams of coming home and me being gone and when she does this i automatically think she has done something wrong like she has a guilty conscious or something. I've done more for her than anyone in her entire life and its like now that she has what she wants her attitude has changed. She's the type to say baby we need a lawnmower we need a dishwasher we need furniture ect.. I'll give her the money for it and she'll keep the money and put whatever on a credit card spend the money and then complain when the credit card bill is sky high!! and act as if she paid for everything when an argument pops up. I blame all this on alcohol destroying her memory cause she can't remember anything at all.. She is the love of my life so much to the point I'm about to make all her dreams come true cause like i said I'm already one foot out the door and she will come home to a very empty house cause she don't realize i bought almost everything in this house from furniture to curtains and blinds toasters microwaves all that stuff. I could care less about a house I'd rather be homeless than live with an alcoholic manipulative girlfriend who can't even stop drinking for a month. Her mother is an alchy just like her never knew that until i met her not long ago. I'm praying for anyone who is in a similar situation may God heal it all. I love her but she is walking an extremely thin line with me and doesn't even know it. Or she does and don't care and is doing this intentionally. either way she's about to get a serious rude awakening if she don't change her ways. a drunk ain't SĂĂt...
Sounds to me sheâs abit if a narcissist as well as having a drink problem.. I am going through a similar situation, last year he left but I took him back as he promised he would change , he didnât ! And now wen I mention his drinking Iâm the one with the problem, Iâm the boring one âïžâŠ but during that year he was gone I was actually at peace. So round two here I go , but this time Iâm making the break up official with divorce. My advice to you, leave, be happy .. she will suck the soul from you until your the shell of a person , I wish you luck x sadly love just isnât enough to stay sometimes x
So helpful with dealing with co-dependancy.
Thanks Melissa! I'm glad you liked itđ
Great talk, very helpful, and it describes my last 16 year relationship
Hi Kay, thanks! I'm so glad it was helpful!
I always felt like the drug's were more important than me.
It's because they are. Not because of who you are but because drugs rewire their thought process. It was hard for me to grasp but once I did, I was no longer living like I was less than. Good luck in your journey to healing.
I decided that they have to be sober for one year before I will have anything more to do with them.
My brother is 70 years old he constantly lies to me and every time I see him he wants at least 1000.00 from me for rent etc I canât be around him anymore I feel so used but I feel so guilty he is my only sibling left in my life đą
Your videos are so helpful! You were really made to help others â€
The mind makes a human being gear towards addiction. If the person cannot cope up with problems, doing the wrong thing makes them irresponsible. Believing and knowing God and Jesus Chist plus having faith and hope will make the addiction go away. Weak faith will defeat the addict. They will never change. Those addicts who pester the lives of their love ones are the devilâs tools to make sober people angry. Stay away from the addicts, they will drag you down. Life is not all about misery but enjoying the gifts and talents God has given us. Do not waste your time changing a person. Move forward and love those who loves you and cares for you. Love yourself. 1 Corinthians 13. Identify real love within you and the people you know whether or not they have love within them.
This spoke to my soul
So glad it was helpful! đđ
Im really Glad that this tpoic is being discussed. Alot of times theraphy is not available for spouses married to someone with addiction.
Thanks Mo'. I'm so glad it was helpful!
@@PutTheShovelDown Yes, for someone who has been in a relationship for 17 years and married for 6 with the person who developed a alcohol addiction. These videos give a better understanding of how to tackle this painful life of Uncertainty.
Hey THERE is SOOOO many people that would love to tell THIER stories!
Feeling so alone and judged. So true đ
Absolutely insane. So so so helpful for me as the non-using partner. Never knew any of this. THANK YOU
My bf gets mad at me for not believing him. Nevermind that he created the distrust by lying. He says if I will never trust him again then whats the point. We have been together around 7 years and I trusted him 100% until the last 2 years after his sneak drinking was exposed.
Try saying something like "You're right I don't really trust you right now, but I know you and I can get back on track if we keep working at it"
@@PutTheShovelDown I tried. He wants instant. And it does not work that way. I told him I can not give a time frame. Every relapse sets us back again.
@@lw8140 heâs trying to put the blame on you for the lack of trust. Heâs Turkey the one in charge of the time frame.
Mine used the same exact language and was trying to force me to trust him. That was the giveaway.
Same here. Blamed me for lack of trust after he would lie about anything and everything. Even used same words - âwhatâs the point â.
He is a functioning alcoholic and pot smoker. My behavior has become so resentful towards him and Iâm always a stick in the mud around him. I donât know if I can ever be accepting of him using and I donât know if itâs even about that anymore. Iâm always judging him.
thank you for this.
You're very welcome!
I absolutely love your videos. I'm in my third relationship with a alcoholic. I was married to my HS sweetheart and was with him since I was fifteen and I was 21 when we married. We had houses , 3 boys that are amazing and are not alcoholics . I divorced him when I was 43 . When right into another alcohol relationship that of course I thought would be different. 2 years down I had to let him go. Skip ahead I'm now with who I feel is my guy. For year and half he was sober then went through a relapse . I felt everything you talk about and have been mad and even madder that they are not changing. My bf now does know he is a alcoholic and does seek AA but I listen alot I mean a lot of your videos. Thank you so much for what you do â€
Do you drink?
So good!!
Thanks Emma!
You donât have to ask, because you know whether theyâve been consuming or not. đ this is a sad, but true reality.
Dealing with a gf who goes thru w/dâs every few months, falling asleep while sitting down .. i cant take it anymore
Don't let an addict guilt trip you because you can't trust them.. that ball is in their court.. trust is something that's built over time, destroyed in a moment.. it really has to be earned, of course you want to believe this person you love.. but addiction will just tell the lies for them.. asking for time to regain trust isn't asking to much- when they ARE transparent and honest rub their belly đ€
Thank you ladies đđđ§ââïž
Any time!
This video could not have been more well timed. I dropped my bf off at detox tonight. As I watched I kept saying, yes...yes...seen that. Thank you!
Hi Jessica, Thanks for your positive feedback! I'm so glad to hear that your boyfriend went to detox. I hope he continues his journey after that. The fact that you've educated yourself, greatly increases the chances that he'll find recovery!
@@PutTheShovelDown thank you, but unfortunately I'm not sure I see any change in him, which is why this video had such good timing. I've learned so much valuable information from this channel. I cannot thank you enough.
Sometimes I wish I wouldâve been more compassionate towards my ex gf, but the gaslighting and manipulation with sex, always seemed to give me that rush again, and I loved her so much hoping this would be the time. Only to feel like I was fooling myself. I hope she turns her life around for her sake and her kid. I couldnât have that stuff around my home as a responsible dad. I tried many different approaches, only to feel like I was failing when she wasnât even trying. đ
It's tought because, you have to look out for yourself and your kid too!
@@PutTheShovelDown she didnât see I was looking out for her kid and trying to keep everybody safe here. Itâs like they are hypnotized or even demonic possessed depending on oneâs beliefs, we can all agree if weâve been close enough to them itâs chaos. I know for many years I ruined peopleâs hearts cause of my drinking. Iâve been sober from alcohol for 4 years. Actually quit when I met her, she confessed to abusing amphetamines at the time and flushed them. That didnât last though. Then a year later switched DOC to M and later progressed to H. Sheâd talk down to me for using cannabis, but one of sound mind knows thereâs no comparison to MJ and the other hard drugs that are wiping out so many peopleâs minds and lives. I even was sober from everything for months and months, but she would fall back. Two years ago we worked out together 3-4 days a week, weekly dates and did everything together with both our kids. Sheâs lost everything, car, jobs, evicted and now probs with the law. Her rope has to be close, was so afraid Iâd find her not alive here. All I can do is pray for her now. đđ» đ
@@moneauxje Iâm so sorry you experienced all of that. I can relate to the feeling of loving someone so deeply and being willing to give up whatever to help them. Iâm in that situation myself currently and donât know what to do. His drinking gets out of control and he becomes violent and mean. Other than that our relationship is good and I love him with my entire heart. Im scared to walk away because what if he is my future? Just feels like God keeps giving me signs that itâs not right but my heart is having a hard time accepting it. This past weekend I thought the phone call I got was telling me he was dead. He tells me (again) he wonât drink anymore. I am so glad that you got clean for yourself and your child, and I would argue that MJ is far less destructive than alcohol and every other drug out there (including prescription). I wish you the best and hope your heart heals soon đ€đ
Thank you for this, especially to Kim who is not used to being onscreen apparently and doesn't like it! Thank you!!! In regard to what was said about "The addiction erodes the person's sense of self, makes them hate themself, makes them feel shameful and guilty and that's what makes them dependent on the substance" ...I think this makes me or him, feel like it's ME that's causing the shame or guilt he feels b/c I'm like a mirror holding it up to him showing him, see what you're doing and how it's affecting me/us(intimacy esp.)?? It leaves us AT ODDS in a vicious cycle. And what about if they do get off of alcohol? Are there always underlying issues to deal with as well that the alcohol is covering uP?!
The hard part for me is that Im stuck in the feeling that maby it wasnt that bad... Maby i over reacted .....even though i know that i was bad....
That's cycle actually very similar to what the addicted person goes through.
Maby so... I dont understand that answer.. do u mean i should feel sorry for him? Continue to be with him? Help him?... bc in the end he wanted the bottle more...he didnt take responsbilite for any of his doping.... his ego was to big for that..
You have interesting content. Its actually across the board behavior of a narcissist caught commuting the same but worse on the infirm. Thanks for reminding me about living and dealing with a different universe. The basic bottom dweller of the need to survive on maslowshierarchy if needs which includes police torment and crime.
Thanks Liane, I'm so glad this was helpful to you đ„°
I have been lied to for almost 20 years. Finally left because I lost myself, trying to save him. Now he's trying to get me to let him come back, by always manipulating me, saying he's going to hurt himself. Keeps my head crazy all the time.
I hope you can block him and put some distance between you two. You are so brave for leaving, you will never regret this! The future you is thankful to you right now, because you made the right choice, you saved yourself.
I left my husband a year ago cause of his substance abuse, he got clean and weâve been working it out for a year and I thought it was going great, until one dayâŠâŠ i caught him high. He said he has getting high on and off for about a month. He said he doesnât have a substance issue and he never did and Iâm controlling. Iâm Officially filing for divorce Thursday. The pain knowing he chose to get high over me and our two sons is almost unbearable and really struggling seeing his side.
Listening to this is listening to the truth of my previous life... I had the help and support of alanon who helped me to understand to look after myself and not focus on the alcoholic and the issues at home. Thank you for this honest video.
Just finding this video tonight. Itâs very interesting addicts and relationships
I love your clips. I'm 73 and got lied and betrayed and stolen by a 20 year friend. I denied so much, all her friends are ex cons for drugs, it was a strange world, I never met any of them until this year, they are all so ugly. I played professional football, top producer in my field after football, and these people were yelling at me, tearing me down, doing everything they could to make me feel bad. It worked, thank God I sought professional help from an ex policeman, a psychiatrist, and rehab person to find out what was going on. I was so hurt, confused, and I still am. The pain of betrayal, theft, lieing, it is horrible and I'm thinking it will be a long process for me to heal. Drug addiction is such an ugly, horrible, and destructive thing. I now find it impossible to trust anyone. It really hurt me. I am almost convinced that the "Natural course of events" and probably prison time for drug addicts is the only thing left, nothing else seems to matter to them, all they want is to take, take, take. If it weren't for the pain, they would be stupid and funny. The fake crying, and the stupid lies, extremely stupid lies, it is all a terrible joke.
awesome thx for this
Glad you liked it!
I finally left my husband, after 13 years. I tried it all, have him so many chances , he would promise to be he would change but he would drink everyday for good or bad reason. I have my two boys , which are the ones that make me strong but thatâs the only reason why I stayed because I would think it was a bad idea separating my children from him. But our constant fights the kids would listen to it and that killed me seen how the kids are living this.
My wife relapsed on meth badly. She treats me so badly right now while I'm home taking care of her children. I've blocked her on everything because all she does is attack me. Yet she tells her mother and friends how much she loves me. But I don't see any of that. This is just purely the addiction making her act this way towards me isn't it?
That so sad and I feel for you. I must say; consider if it's not the addiction making her treat you that way, she simply might not appreciate you but want family and friends to relay to you that she does so you will remain hopeful! My current situation.
You need to get out and get out now, I did the same for my ex for almost three years and looked after his children and it pretty much destroyed me..still put the kids first and contact her family or child services but don't stay..nothing will change it will only get worse.
Iâm going through addiction myself and the real problem is that I can see the problems and effects itâs having on people around with and sadly my partner! I really really donât want him to leave me because I do love him but my childhood trauma from abuse is actually crippling and I canât stop:/
Wow. You hit a whole lot of things I feel is being done to me by my husband. Itâs always, âno donât dont do that! You canât do that! Iâd rather you not work, we donât have the money âas I see him come home from work with 2 12 packs or the biggest case he can get available. I feel stuck
I read all these comments and i dont understand why people get into relationships. I feel like a lot of it is the fear of being alone. Not having an identity, so they are in a relationship and build their identity around their partner. Maybe that's the lesson of ending up with an addict. You have to face yourself in the end and become independent
Words of wisdom, my friend, words of wisdom! Honestly itâs so hard to love someone who likes to drink and just vanishes from time to time. I love my boyfriend so SO much, but my love for him isnât enough. Apparently he cannot stop his drinking habit. He truly doesnât care and it hurts so much. We were planing to go to Sicily at the end of May, but now our future is so unsure. Yesterday we were talking on the phone and everything was fine, but I heard in his voice that he had a beer or two, or a couple of glasses of wine. He never gets so drunk that he cannot walk or something like that, but he does have a regular drinking habit. So, I was confronting him and asked him if he had something to drink that day because I hear it in his voice. He didnât confess, he said no. But I knew better. So I said why doesnât he just admits it. Itâs no big deal if he had a glass of wine. Just donât lie to yourself or myself. And then when the argument started. I havenât heard from him since then. Today he missed work, I know that because weâre coworkers and they know about his problem, so they contacted me, if I know where he is. I said no, which is the truth. Iâm very hurt and donât know what to do. He is a kind man and never violent towards me or others, he is a sweetheart. Thatâs why leaving him makes it so much harder!
I am in your exact situation. Will you provide an update? This is horrible!
@@steelcitystyle7654 update is that I just gave up. I cannot do this anymore, itâs so bad for my soul, my health. I let him go.
@@samantarizzi248 Iâm so sorry but totally understand. I let mine go a month ago and I miss him so much but it was the right thing to do đ
@@steelcitystyle7654 itâs definitely the right thing, though hurtful đą We have to be strong and listen to our intuition, always!
I was getting close with a man who actively sells and is an addict. I want the best for him, Iâm the only good person in his life. He cares about me but just doesnât make time for me/us. Heâs too busy driving around with random strangers.. sleeping with them, getting high, etc. It hurts. I feel heâs too far gone and I should stop communication. Although, I care about him so much. He has potential in my eyes. I know Iâll get hurt more đ
I'm dealing, with a close family friend who is on meth! He totally doesn't want to communicate with me!! I have cut him off! He has hurt me in so many ways đą I've told him that if he needs help then I'm here for him! It's so hurtful breaks my heart đą yea he would tell me that I'm crazy! When he is actually the crazy one & he needs help đđ»đđ»đđ»
Iv been with this alcoholic man and I saw some of the signs in it .today I bump into him we started talking I told him we can be friends like associate ya know but he still have an alcoholic problem I told him I want to be a brand new me .so I don't really want to be his friend right now I want a break from him đđđ
Been abused for 16 years. Will be homeless if i leave. Lost most of the joy from my life.
The behavior you speak about still happens in recovery.
Thank you this was helpul. I'm in the process of leaving treying to deal with all the legal stuff of dividing wjhat's left of the assets before he manages to loose ir all it's really stressful. My self esteem is so destroyed from the last 2 years and this just really helped me to know I'm doing the right thing. It's hard to understand how the person I loved turned into such an awful person it really is like mourning someone who is still alive. It makes me sad but I often find myself having thougfhts that it would be easier if he's actually died I feel so guilty but I just want my best friend back and it's hard to get glipses only to be let down again and again and having him try to gaslight me into thinking what he is doing and the people he's allowing into my life aren't that bad even though they prove thermselves to be dangerous, untrustworthy and malipulative again and again. He seriously suggested I go into sex work the other day to makre extra money and couldn't comprehend why I found that upsetting. All I can think is who the fuck is this person I just no longer recognize him.
You have such good insight, Laura!
Hopefully, someone will see this...
Question: My boyfriend of 2 years has a terrible smoking problem. He smokes tobacco and marijuana ALL THE TIME. Wakes up and smokes. He sneaks away from work to smoke. He can't go to bed without smoking. He is now, also drinking alcohol every day. A bottle every other day. His eating habits are horrible (take out and soda) if I or his mom doesn't cook for him. He will drink a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi in a day or 2. Terrible life habits.
My problem is that he is an amazing guy. He is Faithful, Loving, kind, and thoughtful but he won't seek help or try to kick ANY of his bad habits alone. I've asked him several times to try to improve but it goes on deaf ears. I've tried to help with resources and advice but was told that he didn't need my help. I've asked him to consult with his health care provider, and all I get are excuses. (SN: he hasn't had a physical or seen the doctor in years!!)
What should I do? Should I stay with him or leave? I grew up in a home with an abusive alcoholic father who is now sick due to his excessive drinking. I am afraid that this will happen to my boyfriend. What should I do?
I hope to hear from someone soon
I have this dilemma right now
Please leave himđŽđŽ
His rage is so scary! He blames me for everything and tells everyone I constantly lie! Itâs not true! I absolutely stopped fighting back and arguing! Heâs constantly telling me Iâm gas lighting! But itâs not me doing that! But I know what I know and I see what I see! I left two nights ago for fear for my life! Our son begs me not to go back! 32 yrs and this is what our marriage has become! This all is new to me! I donât know what to do next! Iâm homeless and Iâm not the addict!
I really need someone to talk tođđđIâm really going though alot
Same here. â€ïž
@@lisamarie62525 I'm in disbelief, he doesn't realize he's drinking so much. But then comes the thinking out loud and the hurtful things he says. Then the gaslighting follows. Then he'll apologize until it happens again.
I'm so sorry
He would accuse me of doing stuff i wasnt doing at all. He would accuse ne of cheating on him when i wasn't.
âI only had two shotsâ but the two shots turns out to be four and a can of Corona. Iâm done after I got embarrassed at my birthday celebration yet again. I even have a video of him drunk and talking crap to me and he denied the next morning. Look me straight on my face and said he not going back to rehabâŠokâŠthen this is DONE! I refuse to settle for this! I refuse!
Youâre worth MORE! Donât look back!!!!
What I need is what happens to these partners that love alcoholics? Do they need help as well? Those partners dealt with the addicts-what should they do.
Here's a video about the trauma of living with someone who has addiction. I think this might be just what you're asking about: czcams.com/video/_IIIebnumpg/video.html
Amazing
Thank you! Cheers!
I finally got out of an addictive alcoholic girlfriend relationship. It was on and off for around 2 years. I would always break up with her and then I would go back because she would say sheâs sober now and going to aa meetings and doing great but then start binge drinking again. I loved her so much. She was a great person when sober but when she was drunk it was all self pity and lies. I finally had to let go but Iâm having trouble still constantly thinking about her because I have that fear of missing out if she really gets sober.
He got charged with DV after he got physical. He was intoxicated at the time, which I didnât know. He lies about his drinking. He denies what he did to me. He blames me & plays the victim. As much as it breaks my heart, Iâm leaving. I wonât tolerate alcoholism, abuse or disrespect anymore.
My question is what if I literally canât tell when heâs using? Heâs so good at hiding it!! Like when I finally got him to go to the ER after him trying to kill himself, he tested positive for cocaine and meth and I had no idea!!
The hard part is distance..when they just get distant and say things like âyouâve been nothing but good to meâ..so itâs like what else can u do
Exactly đ
Exactly
I have just been dumped by my abusive boyfriend of 4 years, (alcohol and cocaine) I have been the only one there for him when no one else was, I have stood by his side when he was down and scraping the bottom, I have found him where he was about to take his own life, I've been there all the way and found myself in so much crap and lies and now that he's in treatment and on day 40 clean he's ditching me because he needs to focus on himself , I have never felt more used and laughed at. I was good enough when no one else was there for him, when he needed a place to live, when he was at his worst, I stood by his side. I am left with the feeling that now that he is recovering I am not good enough. and the funny thing is that he will never find such a sweet, caring, loyal and loving girlfriend like me. and I have no abuse I live a quite normal life with work and healthy relationships