How to Move On from Someone you Loved
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- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
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Do you ever feel you can't move on from someone you love? Do you ever feel like you are stuck on your ex? Are you afraid that you are never going to get over them? Do you sometimes wonder if they're thinking about you as much as you're thinking about them? Maybe you're still deeply in love with them, and part of you is hoping that they'll come back, even as you know that they've already moved on and it seems like they're never going to return. But part of you hopes that they will. If you want to know how to move on from somebody that you love, first you need to understand why this is happening to you.
In this insightful video transcript, Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist with 15 years of experience in psychology, reveals the two key factors behind feeling stuck on an ex and provides a clear path to overcoming this heartache.
Feeling stuck comes from two key factors:
Oxytocin Addiction: Oxytocin, the "love hormone," is released when you feel close, connected, and bonded with another person. This hormone plays a vital role in creating feelings of safety and well-being. However, if you've experienced a lack of bonding in your upbringing or if you've been love-bombed (intensely showered with affection and approval) by a partner, your brain becomes biochemically addicted to this feeling. This addiction can lead to withdrawal symptoms when the relationship ends, making it difficult to move on.
Dependency on External Sources for Oxytocin: Many people who feel stuck on an ex rely solely on their romantic partner for oxytocin. This dependency stems from attachment issues and can result in unhealthy relationship patterns. It's essential to learn how to build healthy attachments with friends, family, and other sources to fulfill your oxytocin needs.
Adam emphasizes that overcoming these factors is key to moving on and finding relief from heartache. By building strong bonds with others and cultivating healthier relationship structures, you can break free from the cycle of dependency and open yourself to a brighter future.
If you're struggling to move on from your ex, you're not alone. Adam's approach offers a clear pathway to healing and finding lasting happiness. Join him in this transformative journey to regain control of your emotions and pave the way for a fulfilling relationship ahead through the link of his course: adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give this video on avoidant attachment a watch: • Can Avoidant Men ever ...
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - How to Move On from Your Ex
00:01:45 - The Role of Oxytocin in Love Addiction
00:03:50 - The Chemical Addiction in Relationships
00:05:43 - Getting Stuck in Relationships
00:07:33 - Feeling Stuck After a Breakup
00:09:30 - Building Thriving Networks and Meeting Oxytocin Needs
00:11:20 - Assessing Attachment Issues
00:13:12 - Making a Plan for the Next Relationship
00:14:57 - Overcoming Stuck Feelings for an Ex
00:16:45 - Assisting in Relationship Growth
This is not only for moving on from an ex, but getting away from an unhealthy and sometimes toxic relationship even.
Absolutely, it's also about escaping unhealthy and toxic relationships!
2 years is nothin, try being stuck for 6+ years. Doesn’t help when they come back multiple times saying they miss you
12 years, and I have rationalized everything a plenty of times already. It's like a badly healed broken leg, and I have to live around it. Plenty of oxytocyne from other sources, though
Don’t downplay other people‘s experience.
Abuse is abuse, loss is loss, violence is violence and feelings are valid even if it was a day or two.
That sounds really tough. Stay strong. Hope this video offered some clarity!
@@SK-no2pp why can't you block them?
17 years here :(
thank god it's not another video on avoidant men
Glad you enjoyed the content!
I recognize myself... I think the lack of oxytocin is so strong after a break up that I'd do pretty much anything to get more. I was hung on my ex-husband over 7 years and the next guy after that for almost 6 years. I wasted so much time in my life for men who didn't care enough. Now I've found attachment style explanations which helps me to heal, slowly
I just learned about limerance , same here
It’s great that you’re finding ways to heal. Attachment styles can really provide insight!
But loving someone doesn’t only mean that they met your need for oxytocin. What about caring deeply about their wellbeing and wanting to help that and enjoying being in their company and their personality more than anyone else’s.? I think it’s more than strictly hormonal….
You're absolutely right! Love is multifaceted, involving deep care, companionship, and connection beyond just biochemistry. However, our biochemistry greatly influences our emotions and bonding experiences in relationships.
Also… The name of my first album is going to be … “I Was Love Bombed and I Liked It.”
I hope this is real and not just a joke…either way, still funny
@@bethechange9762 yes, totally I got love bombed and it was fun actually. If I just focus on how exhilarating it felt and let go of the fact that it wasn’t 100% authentic I can just take the good.
And, you can’t use it as the name of your album if it’s not true!
That's a catchy album name!!
I wanted to add more context, because I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone. For the first time in my life, I was love bombed by someone and we got into a two-year relationship that never felt satisfying and thankfully Adam helped me use my logical mind to sort things out. But when I look back, I know that he did have very strong feelings for me but he just really struggles with intimacy. That plus my spiritual work has given me a nuanced view of love bombing. So I decided to take the good feeling experiences and the learning and move forward with that into my next relationship. For example, he told me I was beautiful so much and so sincerely that I now believe it about myself! I’m definitely doing Adam’s wish list exercise because I think it’s a brilliant way to acknowledge the good and decide what else I want on top of that.
Withdrawals from oxytocin and dopamine is my life for past month! 😭 After my 1 yr relationship with a disorganised attached guy ends. He love bombed me then destroys it over and over. I'm going to hypnotherapy and trying to take this sadness out of my life.
That sounds really tough! Taking steps to take care of yourself is important. If you ever need help, don't hesitate to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com
I`d rather never be in a relationship again than "make plans for the next one". chances are way too high that the ones still out there are exactly the ones that will make you go through the very same experience once again...
I think what you mean is that chances are too high you're the same person that got with those people and would do it again if given the chance.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It's important to prioritize your well-being and take the time you need to heal.
That’s how I’ve felt by my late 30s through my 40s and now in my early 50s. The two times I’ve taken a chance (for just a few months each time) in those 15 years I’ve been reminded why I don’t date, why I don’t try for a relationship even though I yearn for love and know I’m capable of love and deeply loving someone capable of loving me.
I'm just totally happy with my dog. WOOF !
Dogs are the best companions! 🐾
Adam, you are truly brilliant at explaining these things. The grocery store metaphor is spot on and very helpful, and the way you breakdown brain chemistry makes it actionable to address while de-shaming some of the things I’ve experienced in the past and clarifying my experience with other people. You have a gift! I really wish my ex would have wanted to work with you because I know it would help him and make his life better, but everyone’s on their own path.
Hi Jen! Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad these were helpful to you. It's great to hear that it clarified your experiences and helped reduce any shame associated with them.
Hi. First time listening to you. After 3 years of intense living-together love relationship, I left him and his home 4 months ago. I was almost sick for the first 2 months, then I went travelling and then I fell into a toxic depression and I feel stuck. I was searching for information and now I know he is a narcissistic person. Despite this, I still feel energetically very connected to him, which is not "normal", because I never felt so lied to and manipulated and hurt in my life before. I have the tendency to talk to him, to go to him - as I now live only 10 min by foot away in a mountain village. I also never was so strongly in love with a person and even though I left him, I feel stuck and cannot sleep or do other things. I feel lied, empty, left .... hoping for a new chance, although this would kill me, of course.
Yeah I was physically sick the first time my ex and I broke up. Nausea, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. Awful experience. I'm terrified to try again. Love has always been so painful.
I feel like the dumbest person ever for letting this go on for 13 years.
That’s a long time…so sorry to hear that
I wish I could just get my avoidant ex just as stuck... Why this does not happen to them and they move on so quickly while we're left devastated and obsessed..😢
It’s been 2 yrs since the break up. I’m having trouble overcoming this.
I like the piece that we don't need to feel shame about being stuck on someone. It has been happening to me, and your video course and advice is helpful - I've build more oxytocin with family, friends and I feel like I don't attach that quick or in that addictive way anymore 🙂
The explanations you provide with the layer of how the chemicals work is soooo helpful to really ground these principles! Thank you!!
Great to hear! I'm glad it was helpful.
I spent 12 years with an avoidant . Yes, it was a roller coaster ride, and there were conflicts due to his behaviour. He left me saying we will never be together and he has moved on.
I invested in them, showed my love, and did my best to understand them. I cared. I just have to remember the good times we shared and move forward . It hurts , I'm angry . I loved them..
Now I am working more on myself and the lessons it's taught me .
It makes me angry to have to change the narrative of “a loving connection” into “a lesson”…I understand but it makes me angry 😢
I know that psychiatrist and psychologist are statistically much more likely to be low empathy and high in sociopathic traits. I think there is some kind of fundamental disconnect with the advice and help given. People still seem to hurt and these tricks only ever function to cause us to close off our hearts. I genuinely believe that we are living through a tragic time in history. Free love was a false promise that neglected the grounded needs of the human heart to serve to empty pleasures of our infinite desires. The kind of love that people end up having in the end is more akin to the love and passion I have for my favorite football team this season. Instead of letting go of my ex I will refrain from dating anyone until I can find someone that is only a life long monogamy minded person with little to no past experience with relationships. In that way my divided heart will still love instead of being doused with the waters of disillusionment.
Yup. Stuck on someone who left me twice. It will never work. And I know that. But I never felt as seen or as safe as I did with him. Every other relationship, I've had to perform for love. This time, I was myself, and I was cared for. We connected intellectually, and I don't usually find people I can have intelligent conversations with, or reveal all of myself. The sex was better than I've ever had, too, and most men aren't good at that. Many men don't care. Intellectually, emotionally, sexually, I don't think I'm ever going do get someone on that level. I still tear up thinking about him and I haven't talked to him since last fall.
It sounds like that connection was really special for you. It's tough to move on from someone who made you feel so seen and valued. What was it that made the relationship end twice?
@@AttachmentAdam his own issues after the relationship he had before me. They had been broken up for 2 years so I thought that was enough time, but I didn't realize how toxic and manipulative she had been. What he described was textbook abuse, and I told him so, but men have a harder time accepting that's what happened to them. 10 years is a long time with someone. He denies it but I think a part of him was still in love with her. He talked about her so beautifully, even after everything she had done to him, including cheating on him while he was recovering from a very bad injury. I did not know all this from the start, of course, but it makes more sense now. Possibly some untreated mental health issues too. When he got into a funk, he talked in circles and I didn't really understand what his reasoning was, the first time. I found out everything the second time. I tend anxious so I'm sure exacerbated it with my constant need for reassurance. But I always tried to communicate and realize what my own part was, and work on myself. Ultimately it didn't mean enough to him for him to do the same. And although he never confirmed this was the reason, I suspect he doesn't want children and I do, so letting me go the second time was an act of mercy
@@AttachmentAdam I left a long comment explaining, but I don't see it here ....
13 years dating on & off. Breadcrumbs for the last 6. I’m too sensitive……
That sounds really challenging. Take care of yourself, and If you ever need guidance feel free to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com
I don't think you're too sensitive. I think deep-down you know you deserve better from that person, and it's time to move on, but you're clinging to what's left.
I'm not saying that in a mean way. I've been there in the past, and I know how it feels.
You feel scared of being alone, and don't know if you can find someone better? It's been so many years, and you feel if you leave all that time will have been wasted?
Best of luck to you. I hope you find what you're looking for. Look after yourself and your own needs first, because you're worthy.
Go be happy ❤️❤️
I cut my ex out but it’s rough knowing I can run into him at any point. His business is 10 min from my house, and 4 min from my gym. It’s maddening. I can’t wait to go on my cruise in Greece/Turkey in July just to get a sense of relief. Unfortunately he’s Turkish, the cruise destination is purely a coincidence my cuz invited me on. lol. Every where I turn something related to his heritage or name pops up. Taking it day by day
Great cruise! But plan for heat and humidity.
Also, vacations can have us leaving our guards down so be careful not to get love bombed and then stuck in a long distance rltnshp that may not go anywhere. Otherwise, do some Greek dancing for me! ❤
@@SowingSeedsWithChristy LOL! NY’s hot and humid season is now until Aug so I’m used to it, at least we’ll be at sea.
I’m a 90 day fiancé fan so I def will not be doing any ldr! No K-1 for meeee! Plus before this recent ex I dated a guy in Africa that was a no go. Never again. Thought the local ex was a safe bet.. I spoke to the guy in Africa daily sometimes multiple times a day. Local guy lives 25 min from me, works 10 min away(I work from home, he has a small restaurant) and I couldn’t even get a couple days out the week after work link up, grab a bite before his second job, stop in for a quick lunch together and a kiss. It’s like he could only give me a sporadic day link up and a more frequent late night Netflix and chill. He did all he could to keep his distance even though he’s the one to pursue me for 2 yrs. The woulda, coulda, shoulda’s are heart breaking.. I mean what was the point!? He can get intimacy anywhere..he told me he left someone for me.. for whatttt? To push me away?
Totally hear you! The DA that I am besotted with, lives 9 minutes walk from my house 😢😢
That sounds challenging. It’s great you have something to look forward to for a change of scenery! Stay strong.
Uhhh….I’m sitting alone in a hotel room in France right now because of this…
Hope you’re doing alright 🥺
@@pizzelle2 had a rough day today…but it’s getting easier
@@jdprettynails same here, yesterday was terrible, today isn't as awful...what I look forward to is the rollercoaster ending and never looking back at the really bad days
I truly hope you find some solace soon!
This is amazing! You definitely have a gift to explain things so clearly and the most important with hope and positivity. I am so blessed to have found you.
Thank you so much! May God continue blessing you and growing to make a difference in this world.
I am excited for my future!
🤗🙏🏻
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Always happy to help!
What if I'm stuck in a country where 90% of people are avoidant or just aren't really interested in making new friends? I feel like I'm in a situation where I'm starved for oxytocin from even friends because other men only care about dopamine bonding and it's difficult to make friends with women as most of them seem disorganized from living in an avoidant society anyway. It has been close to a decade and I'm starting to doubt if I can ever find love, even if platonic one. 💔
What Country do you live? I am so sorry for you...
@@grabbelton I live in Finland. People really keep to themselves here unfortunately...
@@korbitror thank you, i think the people in my country ( the Netherlands) are cold and closed off but i guess i dont know what i don't know. I had no idea. I get sad again reading your story.
Don't know what to say.
I met some of my peeps online but love is not in that picture, but at least I am no totally alone.
I wish you all the healthy love you can get.
Life had a strange way of surprising us sometimes so you'll never know..
🍀
You are sooooo helpful! Wow I love your full Fer real therapeutic recoveries.
Thank you so much! I'm thrilled to hear that you find the content so helpful.
I just went on one date with someone who was love bombing me a little…
Now she’s not too interested in a second date… I just got obsessed with her, I’d been single for a long time…
It's tough, but it’s good you recognized the love bombing. Take it one step at a time. Hope this video helped!
Damn these love bombers 😅
Hi Tania! Thanks for your comment. Love bombing can indeed be incredibly challenging to deal with.
You are the First one to include real hard actions that I can take in your videos. I already finished one whishlist and i think i will do some other ones, too.
By the way Ive been to 3 therapists in my life and still am. Some of them suggested things (sometimes ridiculous) to me but nothing worked so far. I think this will help. Thank you so much.
I avoided making my lists of values that you suggested in another video since it seems like such a difficult task so far.
After finishing these lists im hoping my values that i have will become more clear to me so i can note most of them down
Its so hard to translate Abstract concepts into actions on my own. This makes it simpler
Men and women who have unresolved past lover issues are the ones who abuse and neglect their own kids. Most often kids will notice their parent's emotional distance and will try harder to please their parents. Then these same kids grow up to be people pleasers who look for love in people who are emotionally distant like their parents. Of course, it will probably take psychologists another 100 years to understand this leads to childhood trauma.
Its more being stuck on how they treated people who cared about them
What makes you say that?
We broke up after 6 years of hell with him and his family, I don’t want children so we broke up „amicably“, at least until he completely destroyed my new relationship AFTER „being okay with it“. I basically accept I’ll always be alone now,
And atm I’ve had dates (nothing physical because bonding) and every single one was avoidant type 2, the scary ones.
I won’t say I give up but,
Damn.
How did he destroy your new relationship?
Today it’s been almost 6 weeks since she broke up with me for the 6th time in four years. I always chase her after a couple days or a couple weeks. But not this time…. That cycle ends because I chose to break it. Trying to let her go, but I understand this will take time. It’s just so painful. My heart goes out to everyone going through this type of pain.
Well we broke up last night. I’m very concerned I was tricked by covert narcissism. Maybe he wasn’t DA? I just don’t know what is my intuition, mathematical likelihood of coincidences, or my previous betrayal traumas. 🤷🏻♀️ all I want is to know what reality actually is. More than anything! I don’t even need him back, I just want the truth
How to reattract an avoidant or fearful avoidant after a long time break up..
If you'd like to explore more about this, please don't hesitate to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com to find the best resources to reignite the connection.
It’s been almost a decade. Still like this one. I find most ladies not worthy of attention because of the sins of others these days. My joke is that I have had my emotions surgically removed. Numb is a way to live. It is peaceful.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Sometimes peace comes from within. Stay strong.
@@AttachmentAdam strong and without strife is the goal. Per the book, The Good Life, I’m doomed for a short life. Perfect, as time will run out at the same time as my assets.
🍿here for it…
🙌🙌!
My ex has stopped seeing me for a while - I said no Richard you need to go but I am really missing him now - I had a really bad upbringing in foster homes and understand your scenario as have a depleted oxytocin - I need to heal from and anxious attachment style
Healing takes time. Take care of yourself and focus on your well-being. If you ever feel you need help, please don't hesitate to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com
15yrs... this was very helpful... im starving i get it now
Hey Adam!! Just found you and thank you so much for these videos. Request, when you mention another video, can you please link it in the screen or put it the info box below for easy reference? I want to find the anxious attachment video you referenced in here. I believe I’m hybrid anxious and avoidant attachment and want to work on both.
Thank you for this suggestion, I will definitely keep this in mind for upcoming content. For now, if you mean the attachment circle mentorship program, here's the link: adamlanesmith.com/the-attachment-circle/
@@AttachmentAdam thank you!! Happy to have found you.
This What i think counts as cheating to me.
Texting
Meeting up
Calling person who they are seeing
Lying
secrecy and hidding things from their boyfriend or girlfriend back.
Kissing
Hugging
Holding hands
S word
Watching films
Texting at ex boyfriend or girlfriend behind my back and meeting up with them too
that what counts as cheating to me.
What type of cheating is it ?
That’s quite a comprehensive list! Cheating can mean different things to different people. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you
Thank you for watching!
Oh, wow ! Is this how it works ?
Absolutely!
We had only been seeing each other for a few months. And it’s been a couple years of me being stuck. He ghosted me and It sent me on an awful tailspin. He didn’t speak to me for a year and now we work together and have decided to be friends. He told me he didn’t see a future with me. But I sometimes find myself still feeling things for him and feel terrible when he’s dates other people. I’m so ready to get over these feelings and move on
It sounds like you've been through a lot. Healing from such experiences takes time, but acknowledging your feelings and readiness to move on is an important step forward.
Hi. I have an avoidant ex who is willing to watch exactly 1 of your videos. We are in the process of tentatively reconciling. Even though I find some of your content quite triggering… I have been looking for a long time for someone I think he will understand and suit him. I think it might be right for him. So what video would you recommend as a start?
I was thinking, why therapy doesn’t work video…
Thank you for reaching out! I appreciate your willingness to explore resources for your ex. If you'd like further resources tailored to your situation, feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com
What if there is no family or friends to connect with? What if there are only coworkers in one life and no one bonded with get the oxytocin?
Great question. I encourage you to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com and I will introduce you the attachment circle, which is an exclusive supportive community where you can build healthy connections.
Just what I needed to hear thx thx thx Adam God bless you!
Thank you for your feedback. Glad I could help!
@@AttachmentAdam Adam, just found that my recent ex has been dating someone from work previously when we broke. Any suggestions?
Is there a way to get these necessary hormones through means other than human connections? Any medical solution?
I encourage you to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com and I'll share different resources with you that would be helpful. I would encourage you to try them first before resorting to chemicals.
Brake ups are hard but sometimes you just have to move on. Live today with graduate life is hard yet the ability to grow beyond mistakes mad can give you inner strength. I am male but eney think that is not a truly Intament relationship just doesn't work for me. And I agree with Dr Glover that we were not intended to be mangaumus. If something doesn't work their are4 billion more ladies to keep trying mabby live today not in the past or glamorous future I knew love always finds me if my Hart is open. The big question for me is do I deserve love or hang on to a dead relationship?
10 years of hell
What if you are both. Avoidant & Anxious.
I encourage you to view the video titled 'How The Anxious and Avoidant can Fix Each Other' on my channel. Let me know if it helps.
How do you know if it’s on purpose or da behaviour?
Great question!
Have you noticed specific behaviors that make you unsure?
lol joke’s on you dude, I don’t have an ex! I decided to just go around all that drama and trauma all my friends and family live in by not involving myself in relationships.
Adam, I was dating an AVOIDANT ATTACHED and last week was sexually assaulted and drugged and he walked by and sat in his car and watched in deep shock, disappointment and hurt. He has texted me a few times but no real connecting to talk after 3 hours post event i called and he was accusing me and i had and still have NO RECOLLECTION. Ironically, i am a health coach and have coached women on narcissistic relationships and abuse…Is this relationship gone bc he brought his past into the present and is using this single event to judge and assume and use as confirmation that i was just too good to be true?
I have filed a police report and an injunction against the perpetrator that i have hated and told everyone what a jerk and a-h-- for the past months when he pops up at same place as me. What can i do???
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Truly. ❤❤
Coincidentally enough, I am currently goin through this. I'm doing my best to cut my ex out of my life, but I have a box of her belongings while she still has spare keys to my place. I'm fairly sure she went "no contact" without saying anything to me because I've made attempts to make this exchange and I get no response. It's frustrating. It's been a whole month. One thing that's definitely gunna take time is my four year old mentioning her. I feel as if I need to accomplish this to move on and yet I feel the more I try the more I feel like I'm becoming "that ex". Would it be wrong if I left her stuff on her car where she works and left a note about my keys? I'm just.... tired of this feeling.
Not for nothing, that sounds like a plan. She made her choice to not respond. Then I’d change the locks..and not say a word about it to her.
I'd change the lock asap.
As for her stuff,
Think of a plan.
Can you see if she read your message?
Is there a mutual friend, someone you both know that you could give it to?
Or write her that you will throw it away if she doesn't come pick it up in .... say a month.
Feel free to reply
Hope this helps
❤
17 years and 13 no contact. We dated 3 days. Only good thing was the kissing. Never had sex with him. I worked on making other friends and dating other people after the breakup. Always felt that there was a glass wall with everyone else.
You make it sound like we are a collection of chemicals, and not spiritual beings.
The two go hand-in-hand. You might enjoy my earlier hourlong episode discussing the spiritual aspects of attachment and relationships.
Please provide the link to it.