Can Avoidant Men ever Fall in Love?
Vložit
- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
- The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now.
Can an avoidant man truly fall in love with you? How can you recognize his love if it looks completely different from what you expect? In this eye-opening video, Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist, reveals how avoidant partners show love and why it often goes unrecognized. If you've ever felt uncertain about your avoidant partner's feelings, this video is a must-watch.
Learn how to bridge the gap and help your avoidant partner express love in a way that resonates with you. Discover the secrets behind avoidant behavior and why traditional methods of expressing love may not work with them. This video is part of a mini-series debunking myths about changing an avoidant man, leading up to the launch of the "How to Love an Avoidant Man" video course. Join now and catch your early bird discount: adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
If you've ever felt hurt or misunderstood in your relationship, Adam breaks down the neuroscience behind avoidant behavior and how it affects bonding. By the end of this video, you'll gain valuable insights into your partner's perspective and understand how to create a more fulfilling relationship together.
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give this video on avoidant attachment a watch: • Avoidant Ex? Here's Wh...
Join The Mentorship Program:
adamlanesmith.com/the-attachm...
If you enjoyed this video and want more content like this, do me a favor: be sure to hit that like button, leave a comment, and don't forget to subscribe to the channel!
Share it with your friends, and hit that notification bell so you never miss an update. 🛎️ Let's grow this amazing community together! 🚀
Work with Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist:
adamlanesmith.com/
adamlanesmith.com/courses/
adamlanesmith.com/single-sess...
The 4 Attachment Styles Guide - Free! 📥
adamlanesmith.com/the4attachm...
If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
www.amazon.com/dp/B07S33YGJZ
Connect with Adam on your second preferred platform:
Instagram: / attachmentadam
TikTok: / attachmentbro
X: / adamlanesmith
Facebook: / adamlanesmith
Chapters:
00:00:00 - Understanding the Signs of Love from an Avoidant Man
00:02:51 - The Brain Chemicals of Attachment Styles
00:05:45 - The Measurement of Love in a Harsh World
00:08:46 - The Brain Chemistry of Avoidant Men
00:11:24 - The Death Spiral
00:14:11 - Understanding Avoidant Men
00:17:04 - The Disconnect in Love Languages
00:19:59 - Understanding Avoidant Men
00:22:52 - Unifying Approaches to Love with Avoidant Men
00:25:54 - Understanding the Truth
The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available!
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story!
adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/
The price is still too high unfortunately
Nope.
I feel sad for avoidant people as they don't even know what they are missing out.
But I also feel sorry for people who burn out trying to "save them". 😢
Yes we lose our brain capacity. But it's a risk worth taking if we can see progress with them.
@@hspinnovators5516 But only if they sre willing to change/work on it.
Otherwise it's a loosing battle.
@@arminxvs3372 the course addresses this and there are multiple chances over a long period of time
We find ways to live in the world. It's the people around us who deserve sympathy 🤣
@arminxvs3372
A person can’t save an Avoidant & especially not with ‘love’. Anyone with this dysfunctional attachment style needs Gods help to heal. Honestly every relationship should be proceeded by each individual having a solid relationship with God & self.
He showed his love by working diligently to create a secure, low-risk life for us. The harder he worked to provide, the more secure he felt, though I don't think he ever felt "safe enough". Now I understand where he was coming from. Being lovey-dovey was risky, seemed non-productive. He'd bring me a potted plant rather than cut flowers- more practical, and it symbolized an investment in the future.
Sounds like he genuinely loved you. What happened?
@@AttachmentAdam he passed away (much too young) after 20 beautiful years together.
@TART111 I'm so sorry for your loss, but I rejoice at how beautiful your relationship sounds!
Love this! You were blessed to have those twenty years... and are still, to have those memories. 💖
One minute of watching this, fixed 45 years of confusion. Deeply grateful
As a recovering Codependent, I am trying not to take on more than my share of responsibility for the relationship, this feels like a step backwards. Especially with someone that has not taken responsibility for working on his own issues and refuses to talk about it.
Yeah same here. I just bawled my eyes out watching this because it explained my situation so well but I know it won't improve.
20+ years together and I am burnt out. We're in separate rooms 6 months now and I feel less lonely and stressed out. I miss him like crazy but he walks around whistling or with headphones on like he hasn't a care in the world and my heart is so broken it literally hurts.
@@jenster29 ❤️
@@jenster29 I’ve been there 🫂 take your time healing
@@jenster29leave, dummy. Your relationship is dead. Any sane person would've realized that by now. Instead, yeah, put all the blame on him. Take control of your life and quit being pathetic, Jesus.
But some of us seek to understand & grow. I did, hopefully b4 it is too late.
I have overcome my fear of being loved & I have learned what women want that many men never learn
We will see what we will see down the pike.
My avoidant partner recently equated his devotion to me to his new car, and because I now understand how he thinks and values things I was able to roll past my initial disgust with with this concept and recognize several things. He feels he has adequately and thoroughly researched me and the risks and rewards involved in being attached to me, and he considers me a good investment! I was genuinely touched rather than offended. Thank you so much for helping me understand how to translate his language of analytical risk measurement into my own feelings language. 💖 Game changer. 😁 This channel is absolutely worth my investment of time to listen.
Ha! I just realized the same thing last night when talking with my boyfriend, except he was researching small construction equipment. 😂 From what he was saying about trusting that product to last for the rest of his life, it clicked and I realized, I have been chosen! 😊
@@gypsypath1 such a good feeling. ☺️
@@gypsypath1😂 men truly are from another planet
@@andreaberg1735 It's not about men. There are avoidant women around, too. Causing the same heartache to guys 😢
How much anxiously attached are you?
(You: "Yes").
Wow, touchė! I’m a 55 year old man, and recently I realize the potential impact from separation from my biological mother at birth had impacted the fact that I never let a woman come too close to my heart. Your video completes clearly the picture. Thanks!!
We definitely can and do. At the time, I didn’t know about attachment types, but my girlfriend often grew frustrated with my hot and cold affection. I knew something was wrong as well, but felt that it was due to my losing 5 family members during the pandemic, I had picked up an addiction and drinking problem. I loved her so much, I found myself enjoying things I never did before being with her. Cuddling, holding her hand, at a party, she spilled her drink on her new shoes, I got on my knee and cleaned it for her, because she was that special to me. My family lured me into an intervention to go to rehab, I was scared, but I thought of how much better our relationship would be with me clean and sober, I agreed and went the next day. Today is my sobriety birthday, I’m two years clean and sober, but I haven’t heard from her since the day I went in to rehab. I’m grateful for my new life, but there’s still a sadness that comes and goes when I think about her. I wish I would’ve went to treatment sooner and learned about this sooner, maybe things would’ve been different.
Congratulations
Congratulations on sobriety and thanks for sharing your experience
Dr Smith. I am watching this as a man with this attachment. Most of your videos seem to offer assistance to women in these relationships. What steps can I take to improve on my own? Thanks.
Hi there. Many of us appreciate your comment quite a bit. In some of the practices someone can do with an intention to recover from these behaviors, experience something different and heal from those experiences and connections, is to practice with friendships.
There is also a community of support that Adam has created. Those are the two best ideas I can think of off the top of my head. It's a very good question you ask.
This is an excellent question. It’s true that most of my CZcams audience right now is women wanting to learn about avoidant men (which should be an encouraging sign for any man with avoidant attachment) but there is definitely a fix for avoidant attachment for any man looking to improve his life satisfaction and romantic outcomes.
The biggest first step, at least half of the battle, is getting avoidant men to believe that there is even a better way for them to live. I liken this to the switch between war mode and peace mode. You need to have the option to take your armor off once you get home to your family. That’s what most avoidant men are missing. It’s 100% war mode all the time.
My door is fully open to any man looking for first steps to move forward and to building his peace mode so he can relax into his relationships with the right selected people. Anyone is welcome to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com and I will handle your questions in private.
@@AttachmentAdamSo helpful and specific!! ThankU
Best way to heal your attachment style is a therapist. You need to unpack your childhood and what led to this attachment style which is usually emotional neglect in childhood. Parents that teach their children its not ok to have and express feelings. Learning to bottle up and suppress your emotions is a learned behavior. It can be fixed. My fiance used to be very avoidant before we met, 3 years of therapy and he now is much more secure and we have a very good and healthy relationship. I am going to bring his therapist flowers when i meet her. We got in a fight the other night and he felt triggered by something small that i said he immediately turned and walked to the car to cool off. Previously he would have left, instead he called his therapist, she told him to get his butt back inside and talk it out, and that if he leaves he will regret it. She was right. We talked it out in about 15 minutes.
Same over here pal! Except that i'm mildly avoidant so i can still experience love but its flickering for me :D sometimes i wanna really dive into it then i'm like naaah. I have been trying to heal myself so i guess this is part of the process. Before hand i just avoided it completely and now i'm recognising my patterns and doing the opposite of what i would do.
I'd say: change your view of others and really learn to be vulnerable (take off armor like Adam said) i think those two are the key components.
Hi Adam, avoidant man here (and have been stuffing up relationships since 2005). You are one hundred percent accurate in your analysis of what goes on in my mind. I applaud you for clearly unpacking what an avoidant goes through and the chemical basis supporting the behaviour. I've watched a lot of content about avoidant attachment styles and none has articulated the issue as well as you have.
Wow… early early on in the relationship, I recall him stating “I don’t get attached.”
Yet, he’s never been able to stay away from me for 18 years hahaha.
@@SK-no2pp It’s still a form of attachment haha. Don’t be too cynical in life or you may not enjoy much of anything.
Exactly. “I can’t commit” yet they are around for years. They are walking contradictions.
@@nannyboo9832 It’s really about not committing to society standards, it seems. I actually agree that I could care less about social conventions.
@@TheLavenderLover Maybe you do not want to get to close too anybody for a bunch of reasons? Or you're young and want some experimenting? Or you think that you have this "cult of 2" where you have this great understanding for him that will just leave you lonely and embittered in the end because everything distracting he watches on telly is more entertaining to him than you are in your craving for his love.
@@ulrichhille5241 We see each other much more frequently. We have mutual friends. It's actually improving. I'll update you if I get on his boat this summer. haha 🚤
I finally understand why people in the comments are so furious at avoidants. This is the worst most confusing feeling. ✌️out, Bro.
I think that's why it's important to value ourselves enough to have a proper dating phase of a couple of months before jumping into bed or showing too much emotion or attach to quickly. Avoidants can be pretty great partners. There has to be a feeling of safety and a special kind of bond that goes more into the best friend realm.
Adam,
Well detailed explanation. However, I must add if these men are enmeshed in their origin families, it can be hard to recover. Also, some are too addicted to the dopamine hits… it’s a sad reality, but we should protect ourselves afterwards.
Thank you, anyway.
Hey there. Some men are definitely not ready to open up and build a loving relationship. And some are going to cling to what they know, even if it poisons them. It’s definitely smart to prioritize those who want to lean into fulfilling relationships, for sure!
My ex was enmeshed with his origin family (spent 3-4 days out of each week with them). Why do you think that’s a part of it?
@@dukethecolors because Avoidant attachment is formed based on emotional neglect and family dynamics. The book when he’s married to mom by Kenneth Adam’s explains this pretty well and no matter how good communicator you are, his loyalty will always come first.
This video just gave me so much empathy for people with avoidant attachment styles. It breaks my heart a little. My mother is avoidant, and most of my partners have been. I feel so much sadness and compassion for them now, being stuck in survival mode and not even know what the blissful states of oxytocin and serotonin are, never having experienced it. ❤
It's powerful how insights can shift our perspective. Sending you lots of love and understanding as you navigate these relationships. ❤️
I have been alone my entire life, There has only been one girl I've ever loved and I hid my feelings from her, partly out of fear of rejection, but more so because I knew I didn't have the social skills to make a relationship work. I don't know if I'm an avoidant type or not, BUT I'm very familiar with Cortisol and Dopamine. I Don't know if I've ever felt any of the others. At 52 years old, I know I've missed out on a lot of things. I want to feel these emotions, but I've been alone so long, I'm afraid to try. I'm tired of life always feeling like a battlefield. I'm trying to build social skills by always talking to the cashiers in stores (usually Walmart). Its usually a short conversation, but I'm more comfortable talking to people I don't know. This video helped articulate things going on that I knew were happening but didn't understand why, such as always being on guard. I will watch other videos in this series, and hopefully I can finally put the pieces together I've been missing for so long. Thanks for opening the door, I hope I can step though it eventually.
Keep on trying! Go out of your way.
My heart goes out to you❤
Eliminating caffeine may help, though easier said than done.
@@fjorddenierbear4832 I avoid caffeine already.
@@Makeitorbreakit1111 thank you
Adam, thank you. As a person who has grown up as neurodivergent in a world designed for neurotypicals, I see a parallel in the struggles. It‘s so hard for avoidant people (in this video it’s men) as society‘s definition of love relationships is based on something foreign to them. Thank you for providing a platform that teaches our world about different ways of loving. Your videos have helped me understand why I am constantly attracted to avoidant people (for their great qualities!!)
Yes the double empathy bond is similar. How we speak two different languages. There are many parallels, it literally is opposing neurotypes luckily changeable
You are so right, functioning with any kind of difference can make a person feel downright rejected or deficient in this modern world. I’m glad to hear you are finding answers. Keep embracing the power of difference, and let me know how I can help in your journey in the future!
possible nightmare scenario: an avoidant man in a relationship with a woman who experiences limerence......
Time to grow 🤗
@@pferdeklauerin my man is avoidant and i have my own avoidant problems, abandonment issues and we struggle because he has shut his empathy down quite a lot because of his childhood, and so his expression of love is more materialistic. I did the opposite and turned my empathy up to 1000 and have this hypervigilance. my expression of love is broken because i have these abandonment issues and Cptsd/. He is not even sure what normal love looks like and has trouble actually seeing other people's perspectives.and we are both working together to learn to give love in each others love languages and that way we dont feel unloved, and im trying to set the limerence aside and accept him for who he actually is and the love he gives in the way he gives it. It was getting really bad, and i did some introspection and have looked around online. I have shared things with him and i give him space to share with me. I try to model good healthy responses to him to the best of my ability, even when im upset. that is quite difficult to pull off. Things are getting better though. It could have gone terribly wrong though...
@@pferdeklauerin I just try to tell him often that I see what he is doing for me and that I appreciate it. Thoise things are very important to him and if I was a different person, i could totally see how i could have missed that as a demonstration of love. i am so glad that I am wired to learn about things and interested enough in how my mind works that I was driven to do a little research. I hate the idea that he might have been misunderstood by me like that.
@@mississippiatheistette8769 thank you, read my comment in the comments. Make sure he is good for your live and where you wanna be or not and then: go!
If I have a question or thought that I think might cause my da to ghost or freeze or avoid I tell him neutral zone first. This way he knows no matter his response I will not react negatively or in a anxious way. Whenever I say neutral zone it might be 1 minute to 1 hour before he has calmed his avoidant responses down so he can say ask. When I ask I wait til he either replies or changes the subject. No harm no fowl but we have grown and the trust has grown on both sides.
All the negative feelings started after the "honeymoon phase", & the good feelings have gradually been disappearing. There is only a glimmer of hope left that this can be restored. A very small glimmer. Very close to narcissism, but I do recognize that is not what is going on with him. Pretty sure I'm grieving the inevitable loss. Anger abounds.
Oh, Jez. Sorry. Yes! Avoidant & narcs have some of the same traits! Ok, so my guy might be on the autism spectrum. To us it all feels the same :( I never got the benefit of love bombing either. No extra attention, Praise, or words of love (?) Clueless but not malicious. I hope it turns around for you.
Please seek family/marital counseling!
@@freerangeboogie7293My adult son is on The Spectrum. Your partner doesn’t know that he is hurting you. A breakup for him would be devistating. Please seek counseling together! Best wishes!
@@KimDsmomif you have told them that they are hurting you, then they do know.
@@proofpositive11 Yes… but, just because you have told someone that they are hurting you doesn’t mean that they know what to do differently, or how to do it, so that they don’t/won’t hurt you. It also doesn’t mean that it’s intentional. 🙏🏼
Explaining attachment styles with neurochemistry is the best validation I can get 😭♥️
I just saw your video on avoidant attachment yesterday and it felt like you were directly speaking to me, like you know more about me than myself. I showed that video to my girlfriend (of about 7 months) to explain what was going on with me. I will be showing this one to her today, so she can help navigate through this process with me. Thank you for the work you do, this is extremely valuable information that will help many people keep their lives from falling apart. I don’t think it’s hyperbolic to say this could literally save people from death. The frustration of this lifestyle, and the conflicts that arise from it, can easily lead to violence or self destruction.
Which video did you particularly see?
I had an epiphany today. That when hes being sexually aggressive and needy and not listening (predatory) is his attempts to dopamine give.
That’s possible. Could you talk to him about that?
Wait what does that mean? My ex was like this
Don’t make excuses if u feel unsafe,
I understand what u mean though.
Sex is „safe“ that’s where they can be dominant in a more „soft“ (for them) way, at least most DA/ FA I’ve known are a king outside and a kitten at home.
The aggressive ones can also just be abusive narcissists… not exactly a good gamble at all.
@@Seraphina93this
Only difference is they don’t listen to your feelings. My ex would leave the room or turn music up. He would invite me over a lot but then would ignore me and just do chores. None of that felt like love. He would pay for dates but even was begrudging about that because he hated spending money.
There is a four-letter word for that: NEXT
Thank you. My boyfriend is a avoidant,I can understand why he is this way due to his terribly abusive parents that never showed any type of love or affection at all. His childhood was lonely and playing like a normal child wasn’t even allowed. I feel sad when I think about it. He on the other hand has turned that pain in into determination to become a very successful man. He puts 1000% into everything he wants to do, he NEVER fails because he will not except failure.. I have so much love and respect for him. But that’s the hardest part about being with avoidant person, I see him fight tooth and nail to never fail at anything, but then when it comes to our relationship all i need is security and reassurance from him. I need to be told at least once or twice that he doesn’t want to lose me.. but he gets annoyed when I talked about my feelings. I have cut my affection,
physical touching and talking about how
much I love him down to what feels like never. It’s hard when you just want to cuddle and hold hands but the person gets annoyed, that just hurts my feelings. The thought of us being together “forever “ stress him out too.
Do to certain circumstances that came arise in our relationship the last couple months, I have been stressed to a very unhealthy point. I don’t even know how I let myself fall this hard. I’m glad that I stumbled upon your videos tonight.. if he watches this and wants to actively grow with each other, then maybe there is hope for us?
Run fast
I consider what you are doing as Self Abuse, he's more important to you than your own health and well being, and you're admitting that you've been stressed to an unhealthy point. And you are ingesting content that supports you staying in a relationship that you are more invested in than he is...women who sacrifice themselves creates psychological damage to themselves, trauma gets trapping in the body and can develop into physical illnesses like chronic disease, all because you are pouring your love into him more than you are giving to yourself. You are worth being in a relationship with a man who is just as invested in it as you are. Because if the man you are currently with, chooses not to change, then what you are you going to do?
Give yourself permission to know what enough is enough and when to walk away...
You have to sit him down and tell him this
You have been faithful to him, and stuck it out when most would've just ran. I greatly respect you for that. At some point you're going to have to let him go, if he can't change. Sometimes people are hurt so badly, they can't be helped. I do hope this is not your case, and this presentation can help him find answers to his pain.
@@highpriestessofmythal199 I agree with you. It is self abuse. I have severe ptsd and abandonment issues. I find it impossible to level when I confront him, with proof and still told I’m making things up in my head.. I believe I do make stuff up.. idk what to believe anymore..
His shared time is being in the same room, but not connecting. His shared resources are reluctant. Disconnected is not a real relationship. My world is not any less harsh than his, but my choice is to overcome the harshness. His choice seems to be to disappear within himself. I would help him with the skills I have, but he isn't interested. I would be supportive if he would go get help, but he resists help. The light dwindles, the joy of life is squashed at every turn.
May I ask how long those patterns have been going on?
@@cocoq10 Too long for me.
Yep. Not worth it
Well said. My husband is this way, too. More and more, he disappears into screens and drinking to avoid true connection. The only time we do things together is if I make a point to make it all about his enjoyment. Really feels one-sided and selfish.
Word!!!! I could’ve written this
I’m starting to see some trends with this whole anxious/avoidant thing. When you talk abt the chemistry and how you can ‘feel’ sick, that’s incredible. Especially with these two styles. To go a step further, your body is literally chasing a ‘fix’. Those ppl that provide that to you end up getting collateral space in our mind/life, even when technically, they may have done nothing to actually earn that (e.g. unresponsive, not loving you consistently and the way you need, etc.). We’ve just minimized those shortcomings it seems like and completely glorified all the small moments/wins bc of those chemical hits. Wheeeww 🙃😮💨 Thank you for your content, I’m healing/growing everyday!
I am very much an avoidant man and these videos have really impacted me personally. I love my ex-wife but we were never on the same page nor communicated about our relationship let alone as it was on fire and sinking. Our marriage is utterly destroyed and I wish we had come across this channel years ago.
Yes avoidants please let us know how you show love in your words. And thank you again Adam, this work is so needed today
ditto!
I show love but doing things for that person being secure I have guys who I do business with or know how to get things done. A lot of older man are my friends.
Me personally as a sort of avoidant style, it is me going to work everyday to make your life better. It is me doing everything I can outside of work to solve your problems. Learning about your interests in my free time instead of my hobbies. Just like he said we are trying everything to give you dopamine, so you feel happy, because I know myself have dealt with a lot of isolation and depression and making the people I care about feel happy is a lot more important than what I am feeling, and doing that for you is in a way how we relax and avoid solving our own personal issues. Pretty much how he explains
Its about going out of your way to do things for us, its about the little things for me, i could care less about words its all about actions
Wow. My mind is blown. Thank you for explaining the brain chemistry piece so well. And the rest was like you had a camera in my house for the last year of my marriage. I was 100% that wife trying too hard to make it work. First, he stopped all physical affection. Then, he withdrew by literally moving away. Finally, he started cheating with multiple women. Chasing those dopamine hits for sure! Easily the most painful experience of my life, I'd rather be alone for the rest of my God given days than risk being in a relationship with an avoidant again. ETA- I thank the good Lord every day that I never had children with that man, I can't imagine the damage he would have done to them.
Thank you for sharing your experience, and I'm sorry it was this painful. Please know I'm here for you if you need any help or support recovering and building new fulfilling connections.
My Problem is they sure fake it in the first six weeks so they know how. They just stop
Its not faking. We believe it but sometimes the most minute thing can trigger to make him feel you dont really love him. And thats the rub, theres really nothing you can do to reassure him. He is the one that has to ignore this feeling. Hard to explain.
Sounds like love bombing from a narcissist.
My husband did this for 6 or so months. If he hadn't shown that side, we wouldn't have gotten married. 8 years in, and it's been mostly cold and empty. Just me relying on myself in hard times while taking care of our child alone. Wouldn't recommend this kind of "relationship." He wants to work on himself now but has said "I don't think I'll ever be able to give you what you're looking for." Which is basic companionship and communication. Very close to divorcing him. This year has been the worst.
@@shoneycreation3313 I’m in a very similar situation. 6-8 months of him being perfect, then 7 years of miserable chasing, confusion, loneliness, 2 kids. I went through all the stages of grief and now accepted it. We barely even speak. But he is able to love the kids! They adore him.. I don’t know what to do
@@shoneycreation3313 So how long after starting the relationship, did you get married? If the love bombing ended after 6 months, and you didn't marry right away, you should have had enough time to realize that was not the 'real' him. As one who is just realizing I am one of these avoidant men married to an anxious-preoccupied woman, I am now better understanding the basis of the conflict in my relationship of 28 years. But we were together 2 years prior to marriage, and she pushed for marriage knowing the real me. Any love bombing I may have done initially certainly didn't go past a few months. Bottom line is the woman must also take responsibility for her part in the dysfunction, which my wife has a VERY hard time doing.
I wish so much I had come across your videos sooner. I'm having a, what is probably going to be, a final conversation with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. We're both 36, and I've had strong feelings for him since I was 16. We were together for only 3 years. I've been doing a lot of inner work on myself while also learning about and doing my best to understand things from his side as well. Too little too late, though, I suppose. It really breaks my heart. I love him so, so much, and he means the world to me.
Dang. I wish I had seen these sooner.
So reduce cortisol, increase feelings of safety and guide him to being vulnerable.
Sounds like it. I can see this happening with my partner
Good luck 😂
I kept hugging him in gratitude but he would push me away saying women only want a man for a meal ticket.
You must be describing the average avoidant men. In this case, the avoidant man has been repeatedly unfaithful, deceptive, lied, flirts, uses attention from females to get the dopamine hit, can’t say one thing he values in his wife. Provides a place to live and food. Not convinced that means he loves his wife.
I’ve gone through the same thing
Yes, THIS is most avoidant men
This is also narcissist
@@Merbella👍🏽👍🏽
@@MerbellaI was going to say it. Narcissists possess many avoidant behaviors. Be careful out there, people. Love yourself more than trying to gain it from others.
I can always love my dog.
Dogs are pretty fantastic and trusting them is much easier than humans, that can be true!
I mean people these days aren't really as nice as they were 20 years ago. I don't blame you for going with a dog. Most people have become pretty messed up. A bunch of resturants no longer offer bathrooms to customers due to drugs and homelessness. There are way more vindictive people now.
@@kaitlin8669/ yeah, our culture is in decline, but dogs are very consistent. Woof !
@@gregorystinette8271 I love dogs. Women didn't want me to love them, I think. Not really. Even if it was just in my head. I basically consider women to be incapable of love, but I see that I am probably quite avoidant, combined with only a few experiences and dating some awful people.
Hahaha o my goodness @@fjorddenierbear4832
Imagine being with a man who has remained sober and drug free for years, but being dependent on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds and Suboxone in order to remain drug and alcohol free. His brain chemistry does not function in a natural healthy way. I think it is near impossible to bond or get the proper neurotransmitters to get the adequate dosage of vasopressin, dopamine, oxytocin etc.
Was just here w somebody,
He came back 3 times and was extremely volatile & explosive.
Care for him. Hope he stays away from women though
This sounds incredibly hard. Can I ask, what’s keeping you in this relationship?
@@AttachmentAdamWhen he is present, he is so loving. Sooooo loving! I have finally made the decision to leave after being ghosted for a fourth time. He always ghosts me when everything is going amazing. I cannot handle this anymore. Thank you for your videos about avoidants. They are extremely helpful.
@@SK-no2pp The same reason most of us are with our partners, because we love them.
Thank you Adam, I’m very in love with my DA. I had no idea the style/disorder existed. Once I realized what is going on, I’ve spent endless hrs researching and getting tested myself. I’m secure although my relationship made me anxious. I started counseling straight away, I’ve always known to give my man space instinctively. I’ve never pursued or chased him ever. He honestly is best man I’ve ever met in many ways that count. I handled just about everything wrong. We’ve never had a fuss or fight. I’m always straight up with him… lol, that’s probably what had him running for cover with smoke on his heals. We have a connection like I’ve never experienced (him either). I’m 62, he’s 72. My counselor chilled my jets very effectively. I’m loving myself like I wish he could. I’m loving him openly & honestly. I know he loves me DA style. It’s so far outta the normal path of building a love story that’ll stand the test of time. I’m sending him this video, I know he watches them but we never discuss. Our attraction is unmatched, we genuinely like each other as people. I’m building a tiny home dream and his input has been so valuable. Because of your efforts in helping us all, we are in a great place. Idk if it’ll be a friendship or a love story for the record books…. I do know we wouldn’t have gotten this far without your direction. We are 8 months into the most meaningful relationship I’ve ever experienced. I’ll be ok whichever way it all plays out. I’ve decided to love my DA respectfully & unapologetically. Thank you for helping us both…
Dr. Adam Lane Smith! Your explanation of the brain chemistry of an avoidant man and how he shows his love has opened my eyes completely and explains EVERYTHING i've experienced with an "avoidant" type partner! WOAH! I have never heard anyone else describe these things!! Revolutionary! 🤯🤯🤯🤯 Why is this not talked about anywhere else???!! I purchased your course to go deeper and hope to help myself and other people in the future!!! THANK YOU!!!!!
Ladies. His love doesn’t matter. Only how it makes you feel matters. If he isn’t able to make you feel loved, he isn’t healed or he’s attached to the idea of himself as “avoidant” and views it as an identity, not a problem to solve. It isn’t your problem. Walk away. Do not ever give them a chance. Someone else can waste years fixing these selfish fools.
Why would you say that his love doesn't matter?
@@AttachmentAdam because it's true. The purpose of being loved is to FEEL GOOD ! AND TO FEEL LOVED. I am clearly against all those videos which let people suffering in a relationship where they are not happy. I don't care if a guy loves me IF the relationship doesnt make me feel secure and happy . Just common sense
I can’t agree with that. If I know he isn’t in love then I’m immediately put off.
holy shit, i'm an avoidant woman and a lot of this really resonates with me. it explains so much why all of my relationships fall apart. i've really got a lot to think about, and work on.
Thank you for sharing your experience! It's great that the video resonated with you. 💖 If you ever need guidance feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com
I just got out of an 8 month relationship, she said I needed to heal from my past relationship trauma and I asked for her support/opinions on how to do that. My love language is physical touch, gift giving and words of affirmation, her love language was quality time. I needed to understand what quality time meant for her, and it's true that I think relationships are based on transactions. We were friends for a month after breaking up, and she initiated talks on future goals, kids, moving in together, and last names. I thought it was going well, but our last hangout was awkward. I'm still confused on what went wrong and now we're not talking anymore. Looking forward to future videos on how I can better myself!
You videos make so much sense. I can now look back on time with my FA ex with compassion. He would do anything for me, and did. " Acts of service" ....Even though he pulled away and monkey branched to another, he still wanted to continue doing things for me as a friend. If I needed him now, he would be here. I let him go, though and moved on. Perhaps if I had found your channel earlier, things could have been different. I had never heard of attachment theory and thought he wasn't interested. I am proud of myself that I just wished him well and let him go without drama. I am happy that I appreciated his kindness, care, and generosity. I guess I didn't see love the same way he did. Knowing him, he feels guilty and I don't think he will return if the new situation falls apart. It's sad. It's sad, too, that he was partly manipulated into the new situation. He tends to be a people pleaser who can't say "no". Live and learn.
Adam, I am ecstatic that you are clearly a master of your craft and i highly admire that. In addition, your energy is calming yet carries enthusiasm and interest in your subject. This is compelling. Plus the content you share is so helpful and clarifying. So thank you.
Thank you, this was totally helpful. I was traumabondet since childhood. After a whole life of narc-experience, im 50, i ve figured out red Flags and I found that Avoidant. He only wanted to met me one time a week, first three month. I had hard times becoming aware of my inner limmerence and vigilance. I learned staying cool, friendly, fair n loyal. In any case he healed me. Im now stoic, safe and factual loved now :)
👏 that’s good!
This guys content resonates with a lot of people. Hope more people hear this out, probably would save many relationships
Thank you so much. and Keep following the next videos.
Thank you very much for these videos! They have really elucidated some key things and helped put puzzle pieces together. For yrs I have wondered if I could have sone something more and maybe ended up with a family, something I really wanted. But your info, and this video in particular… Especially the portion about children, confirmed that divorcing truly was the best decision. It would have been far more devastating to have children bearing the same pain and confusion. I do appreciate having the solid info that brings comfort and validation to what was experienced and the end results.
This describes me and my partner perfectly. He has done very much work already trying to accept my weird talks of feelings and needs. He is so capable and hardworking, never gives anything out of his hands. Whenever I just want someone to just give a kind of "I notice" or "I care" feedback regarding my own work (making my rental flat into a home, clean up the attic or basement), his only response is to help me do it fast and thoroughly. It hurts him that I would just like the experience of having done it myself, rather than getting it done quick and effectively. It's not easy. Just having a meal together or sitting by the sunset is not possible with a man who is always on the risk managing and dopamine, fixing things way of life. He never leaves this state, not even in his sleep. And I feel I need to jump to do things alongside him for him to feel calmer, even if I feel my own half of life is not flowing at all. Be the strong woman on his side, as there is nothing he is as afraid and rejecting as weakness. That does burn me out. But I am also proud to ve the only owman in his life that has had such commitment from him.
“Imagine if you two were stuck in the Sahara Desert…”
Yes. This is how my husband lives ; life is viewed as survival, black white risk reward and to keep that dopamine things are often done at the last minute or on his own sporadically etc etc etc.
I thought this was moreson adhd or emotional immaturity or narcissism but now this makes sense.
I love the working together vassopressin concept and just genuinely appreciating what he does for us out of a well thought out and risk accessed way to love us.
Looking forward to learning more❤
Your work is great for humanity.
Thank you very much, I’m glad to hear you see the value in attachment theory!
Amen God bless you Adam 🙏🏻❤️👏🏼
So basically... If you're in a relationship with a decent avoidant person, make sure to have plenty of normal functioning friends or family to actually fill your life cup so you don't have to either pay for years of therapy or enroll in college courses psychology just to be able to stand them. Damn
What's the alternative? Completely overwhelming them with your feelings, emotions and codependency? I don't think you have to be avoidant to not want all that. Secure people appreciate their partner having a life outside of them too. Our partners are here to enhance our already full existing lives, not be an emotional dumping ground.
@@UnicornsAreReal1 .. what you're describing as a bad thing is actually another end of a hurting spectrum in humans. Because people who are healed have no problem being loved or giving love to endless degrees. They don't see time and circumstances spent with their SO as an allotment of their daily and yearly life. And that's the difference between the healed and the broken. Now fragmented aspects of humanity are so common and we as a society have underplayed and overlooked emotional and physical ailments in people to the point where trauma bonding is the norm. But it can be different. You can have two people who have taken the time to heal, either together or apart, and they want the fullness of a loving relationship. And they want it without measure....
Honestly, outsourcing your relationship to family and friends isn't necessarily something that always helps, because sometimes friends and family can get triangulated into the relationship and the issues in the relationship. Or vise versa where your relationship is being triangulated into the issues of friends or family. Healthy boundaries are still needed for those bonds to be effective and helpful.
Like in the video, the disruption is that the man is running only on one or two chemicals in their brain when they actually need all of them and are disconnected from their needs. They don't know how to produce those chemicals because the closeness they actually need has most likely been met with betrayal or disregard by anyone else they have opened up to in their life. So they become intentionally numb because of it. Reversing that is a difficult process, and if you're outsourcing to family or friends that were the cause of them forming avoidant behavior, it will further lock them into normalizing that behavior. That's because they may be completely unaware of it or how to defend themselves with healthy boundaries. Relationships are complicated and there are no easy solutions without both individuals actively working to communicate, understand themselves and understand eachother better.
Adam, hands down your BEST video to date! You always do such a great job explaining this in a way that can appeal to both the avoidant and their partner, but THIS ONE perfectly hits it on the head! 👍 Keep up the wonderful work you do!!
Thank you for your kind words and support! 🙏 So glad to hear you found it helpful!
Wow, I definitely identify with most of the behaviors and ways of thinking you mentioned, definitely something to research in the future.
Hey Adam,
Thank you so much for all your effort and contribution, especially in clarifying the underlying reasons behind avoidant behavior for those with avoidant partners.
I've been in a 10-year relationship and, suddenly and unexpectedly, we're in a period of no contact without any major incident leading up to it.
Initially, it deeply hurt me. I watched countless videos about avoidant attachment on CZcams and after six weeks of "self-study," I found you. Your insights made everything clearer!
Watching your videos, I understood and regained my secure attachment, which is my natural state. I now fully understand my (ex) partner's behavior, as it aligns perfectly with what you describe.
I wish I had known these facts earlier! Deep down, I always knew he loved me, but his way of expressing it was so different that I often communicated my doubts.
It's heartbreaking to realize that his childhood traumas have led to his current behavior. I know he's struggling with his emotions right now, but he would never admit it. We're in no contact again, and I'm giving him space and time to sort things out.
I am confident he will gain more clarity.
My primary and very pure wish for Antonio, above all else, is that he stays healthy, finds peace, and happiness!
Thanks again, Adam!
I took some notes haha. So many great things to keep in mind!
Perfect, glad to hear this helped! What was the biggest lightbulb for you?
This was a really good one
This is the most insightful video I've ever watched. Thank you ❤
I appreciate your kind comment! Glad you found it helpful❤
Adam, you are amazing. So clear. Thank you.❤
You’re so welcome, and thank you! Did you have a favorite moment in this video?
Adam, brother in Christ, this one right here is the one. You’re in your bag. Great job sir! 👏🏾
Thank you, glad to hear this was helpful! Was there a specific moment that you enjoyed most?
@@AttachmentAdam I’m understanding an avoidant man will not communicate love the way I view love. I also don’t want my person to feel misunderstood when I didn’t realize there were ways he was showing me love and I missed those efforts. It also sounds like not only is consistency, emotional maturity, and patience imperative but independence/self-love is essential, listening to understand them is intimacy for them, and respecting their boundaries builds their trust and cortisol levels that produces the oxytocin that needs development? Did I hear that correctly?
An excellent video that describes me so well as an avoident who is no longer with a pwBPD that I believed was anxious preoccupied.
Brian, your Channel is a real
Book of revelations!
Can you pls. Talk about, if/how a relationsship between two avoidant Partners can work?
Thank you!
❤
I believe this was the first of your videos I found. Unfortunately too late to end on healthy terms but I’ve finally found light after 43 years of darkness. I can NOT wait to be able to get one on o e coaching with you!!
This is truly game changing because as women we pass up so many opportunities to bond by not electing to partake in problem solving activities…
Wow I learned so much from this video. Thank you. I just subscribed.
Extremely interesting and helpful 🙌🏼 Thank you
Glad it was helpful! 🙌🏼
This is absolutely fascinating.
Glad you found it fascinating! 😊
This video is what I’ve been searching for for the last two months. I’ve been discarded and I could not make any sense of it. But I understand so much more right now. Thank you so much for the insight on a practical level.
You are so welcome! I'm so glad you found this helpful. Stay tuned for more!
This is so spot on.
Glad it resonated with you!
This makes really sense! 😮
Thank you! I NEEDED THIS TODAY!
What’s going on today, that this was helpful?
@@AttachmentAdam, I'm in a relationship with an avoidant man, and your videos have opened my eyes. They have given me clear ways to support him and hope. Thank you.
Hey Adam, this is the first of your videos I've seen, but I just want to say I appreciate it. You said your page has lots of followers who are women, as someone who has been watching psych videos especially about women and trying to understand their experience and processes more and relating to how Ive resonded in the past; I find it refreshing that people are seeking this info and learning how men operate and where we all can fall short in communication. I clicked on this thinking I might learn about myself and got more than I baragained for haha thank you!
That's wonderful! Thanks for tuning in! I'm glad you found the video insightful. If you ever have questions or topics you'd like to explore further, feel free to let me know. :)
Alone after I lost my wife to PD.
Your advice makes perfect sense if I want a real bond now. Because I will likely not be able to be a husband & father for 3 more decades.
I don’t mind transactional or instrumentality provided we are playing mutually compatible games.
But it takes 2 bold exceptional people who are at certain places in their respective lives.
But never say never. That is a deep dive into toxic isolation.
I was lucky. I have a wise older friend. He encouraged my new viewpoint which is congruent with my desired future.
I needed this.
I burn out and runaway. He was very comfortable buying love in escorts sites and I think he was feeling good because he can control the outcome. Is difficult. It doesn’t matter if I love him because he doesn’t know how to express love other than make money and control everything. I was feeling bad and I ended the relationship. Good luck
Best Video explaining the brain chemistry ever with Avoidant / Anxious relationship. Thank you!
Glad it was helpful!
More work for us, yay
This is a very interesting video. Thank you.
Thank you for your kind feedback!
Powerful wow ❤ learned so much.
This was extremely insightful!!!
So glad to hear it!
You are such a blessing. It's the truthful reality in a way I can digest and relate to right now so thank you. One of the most painful confusing connections of my life because I care and believes he loves and cares for me but there is a disconnect. I have to try all I can before giving up.
Thank you so much for your feedback, I appreciate it. Feel free to contact me if you need support, I'd love to help.
I assure you i do not think i am calm. But spot on wit the rest of it 😮💨
I'm happy to hear this video resonated, but why do you say you don't think you're calm? What is it that overwhelms you?
The clean shaven look agrees with you!
Sooooo good❤❤❤tnx
Happy to hear that❤❤
Fascinating !!! Thank you
You're most welcome! Does this resonate?
Thank you, so many lights went on in my head about my parents, my self and my late husband, who was also a high functioning autistic. We both were avoidants. It was not obvious in the beginning, all was very lovely, but eventually stresses brought our cortisol levels high, and a downward spiral began in spite of our best efforts. More marriage counsellors need to understand attachment theory and how to work with the hormones.
I'm glad this resonates and that you found it helpful. I agree that attachment theory often overlooked in therapy and counselling, but it's crucial to recognize how foundational it is to our interactions and relationships. I'm right here if you need any help.
u r a living genius Thank u so much Adam
My new “guru” speaking the truth. Amazing
Thank you so much for your kind words! It means a lot to me.
Excellent video Adam, thanks for the content you're bringing here. I wonder if that works the same with avoidant women, as a lot of the description here of an avoidant man just fits with me...
I'm glad you found the video helpful! Yes, the principles of avoidant attachment can apply to both men and women. Avoidant attachment behaviors often stem from similar underlying fears and needs, regardless of gender.
Think I just found a new favorite CZcams relationship guru. Insightful commentary 😊
Glad to hear that! Welcome aboard and thanks for your kind words 😊
@@AttachmentAdam great stuff man. I love when I learn info that gives a scientific explanation to my lives experiences. Thx a bunch. I’ve always been trying to figure out what makes me fall in love. 😍 lol
Sounds like you know your stuff. Thanks for sharing- it was validating.... it is sad so much pain and confusion for no reason- just not understanding each other.
Glad you found it helpful. If you ever need support please don't hesitate to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com - I'm here to help!
First time I’ve seen a video of yours. I think you are right on the money. I’ve an older man who’s been through the good and bad but this all makes good sense. What I can say is this,boys want to play and girls want to chase at least play chase. All the power is really with the female, no matter how much we’re interested they’ll let us know what they want and if we want them also, it’s up to us to choose what we do.
Most dead on accurate video, you have made, about how I feel
I'm happy to hear that this resonates. Which part made you feel understood the most?
This is the best video I've seen on this topic 🤯🤯🤯
Thank you, I appreciate that! What stood out the most to you?
@@AttachmentAdam how you illustrated the hormones of the brain and how they show up
Amazing. I am close to joining the circle. Two more weeks. ❤
Love to hear it, and I look forward to working with you! What relationship challenge or attachment issue do you want to tackle first?
@@AttachmentAdam My husband is an avoidant. I WAS secure. Now I just mimic him. We have an ongoing issue surrounding a child he conceived before we met. I have been with him for thirty five (35)years… married for thirty(30).
If I had seen this video 5 years ago I might have saved my marriage. This was annoyingly accurate.
I truly do appreciate this video and the time you spent making it! I can now relay this information to my Wife in hopes that she will have a better understanding of what I deal with. Do you also have a video for the Avoidant man on how to Love His self, His Wife and His children?
Thank you so much for your kind words. I encourage you to check my 'How to Love an Avoidant Man' video course: adamlanesmith.com/attachment-courses/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/ for a more detailed dive into the avoidant attachment style. This resource would be greatly helpful for your wife and you because I've designed specific exercises that you can do together as a couple for a stronger connection and a deeper understanding. Feel free to reach me through support@adamlanesmith.com if you have any questions.
Brilliant. Thank you.
Glad you liked it!
Hi dear Adam, I just subscribed to today , nice content ❤
Thank you, I appreciate your support. Happy to have you here!
It doesn't matter. *You DON'T waste your energy on people that treat you badly, full stop. You walk away and let life teach them their lessons because this is not Build-A-Bro and women are not repair shops for broken men.*
Avoidants don't want to be repaired or fixed by anyone. It's typically the partner of the avoidant who tries doing that because they want them to change into more of what works for them.
Great video, tnank you, i subcribed
I don't know if I can continue. I have secure attachment but I have social anxiety and he makes me very anxious. I can't get comfortable with someone if he keeps me at arm's length. I need warmth and safety.
He's obviously not a good "fit" for you. Don't make your life harder than it has to be.
@@barbarasaracini1271 The thing is, I haven't expressed this to him, because obviously I'm scared of communicating, just like he is, but in a different way. But I truly think we love each other, there would just be so many barriers to get over to be able to communicate.
I feel the same, I got the course and it’s very good , but I’m not sure if the pain & confusion is worth it
I can t even get the relationship off the ground as conversations are so difficult, I avoid discussing my feelings in order to avoid scaring him, and usually offer to do things to help him, but I say ABC and he hears XYZ. He has built such strong defensive walls,..,I know he loves me but I feel sometimes that our strong connection makes him stress out. I can t give up as we are definitely twin flames and meant to be together. So I just have to act cool and believe that eventually he will find the magnetism between us is so strong that he feels there is no other option than to open a door in those walls he has built
@@handerson-vl7df Thanks for sharing--this is very similar to how I feel in my situation. It's good to hear there are others out there dealing with the same thing.
Wow, one of the best video descriptions I’ve come across. Thank you for breaking it down in simple forms. This is incredibly relatable and makes so much sense.
Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad you found the video description helpful.
Thank you! I'm FA (f) with a DA (m). This explains so much!
Edit: Especially starting at @5:26.
Glad it resonated with you! 💫
Happy Mother’s Day to your wife. 💐
Thank you so much for the Mother's Day wishes! 🌷