How to Attract Your Avoidant Partner Like Never Before
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- čas přidán 8. 06. 2024
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How to Love an Avoidant Man: Stop Chasing, Start Attracting
Welcome to my channel! I'm Adam Lane Smith, the Attachment Specialist.
In this video, we'll dive into a common question I receive: "If chasing an avoidant man makes him bail out of the relationship because he hates feeling that pressure, then what on earth is the right way to draw him into the relationship based on his own desires?"
Here’s what you’ll learn:
The Impact of Chasing an Avoidant Man:
Why do avoidant men run away when they feel pressured.
How your anxious attachment style might be affecting your relationship.
The psychological and emotional dynamics behind the chase and withdraw pattern.
Understanding Avoidant Attachment:
The root causes of avoidant attachment styles.
How avoidant men perceive risk and why they fear deep intimacy.
The role of dopamine and other brain chemicals in avoidant attachment.
Effective Strategies to Attract Him:
The importance of self-regulation and emotional discipline.
How to communicate your needs using the “what, why, and how often” method.
Speaking his language to build trust and intimacy.
I’m Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist, with over 15 years of experience in psychology and relationships. I’ve helped thousands of clients worldwide and millions online. This channel recently hit 65,000 subscribers, thanks to all of you who are seeking healthy, fulfilling relationships!
What You Need to Know:
Avoidant men need two main things to thrive in a relationship:
A partner who is fully self-regulated and never chases.
Clear, measurable communication of needs.
Avoidant men operate on a risk assessment basis:
Instead of feeling emotionally loved, they need concrete, understandable actions.
Present your needs in a way that highlights benefits for both of you.
Don't miss my new "How to Love an Avoidant Man Video" Course: adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
A step-by-step guide to building a fulfilling, intimate connection with an avoidant partner.
Perfect for both partners and avoidant men looking to understand their needs better.
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give this video on avoidant attachment a watch: • Do Avoidants Even KNOW...
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - Letting Go of an Avoidant Man
00:02:39 - The Survival Mode of Avoidant Attachment Style
00:05:16 - The Internal Response to Abandonment Wounds
00:07:50 - The Worst Instinct: Chasing in Relationships
00:10:18 - Breaking the Pattern of Avoidant Attachment Style
00:12:41 - Self-Regulation and Secure Attachment
00:15:13 - Effective Communication in Relationships
00:17:46 - The Importance of Emotional Regulation
00:20:17 - How to Attract an Avoidant Man
00:22:42 - Avoidant Attachment Style Revelation
Unfortunately after 25 it gets down to being able to calculate how much time that is being “wasted”. If your partner isn’t working on being secure, you can literally calculate how much time you’re even going to get with them in a month or year. If they have to run away with minor inconveniences and that happens twice a week. Come on now. You’re wasting months and years you could have been having a real relationship and connection with someone. The audacity to think someone should sit around and wait on you because they love you is absurd at this point.
"If your partner isn’t working on being secure, you can literally calculate how much time you’re even going to get with them in a month or year. If they have to run away with minor inconveniences and that happens twice a week."
Insanely, painfully accurate.
Truer words were never spoken!!
Oh this hits hard 😢
Gosh this is a good point.
I had enough of waiting for him to be available from work and responsibilities.. and my time was waisted let alone the suffering of not seeing him
I had to let him go. Painful lesson but I learned so much from this lesson.
The selfish woman response just leave then
It sounds like the avoidant runs because they're projecting their fears/insecurities onto us. So they're basically just running from themselves. This is a lose-lose situation. Personally, I gave up. I gave up on my husband (an avoidant) and our marriage. Only then did he stop running and start showing up.... I agree with the first thing you said: don't pursue the avoidant; if you lose them, you lose them. At least you didn't lose yourself.
YEP 100% very true. They literally are causing their own early death. They can't blame the anxious/secure
I love this!
Leave avoidant men and women alone. Unless you want a relationship where you have to adjust yourself around another person and walk on egg shells.
@@user-ww4xs6dz7h I lived it. No one is demonizing anyone. If you want something then no one has to try to figure out how to get you to take it. You figure it out yourself.
I've been married to one for 28 years. Separated twice. This second separation has been 6 years long. Poke me with a fork, I'm done. I'm working on hiring a lawyer to end this exhausting relationship. Kids are raised. House almost paid off and I still have no idea what his plan is for our relationship. We definitely are not on the same page, though. I can't imagine living with him in the same house...and I'm tired.b
Agree He felt stressed by my expectations and standards , normal and healthy ones like respect !
He wanted to be a flake without any protest
He wanted it all on His terms
He created the stress not Me
I only wanted what most Woman would want
I gave Him space , I was as patient as I could be
But I wasn’t being respected or valued
I won’t accept that
Word!!!
Same here 👍👏
Yes I hear you!
Your best best is to find an older man who has done the work and healing.
I myself am an FA man and my wife is a AP attachment style. We are young we have been married for less than a year. But working on this stuff together and understanding how each of us work and then consciously working towards shared goals resulted in a lot of vasopressin bonding between us and we have an amazing relationship.
She tells me that "living with you is like being in a fairy tale"
Our friends and family see us as the idea power couple.
But I explain to them we don't have normal attachment styles and it requires constant work and communication. My wife understands how I think and communicate and so she does her best to work with me that way, in a way I can understand.
Not all FA men are jerks. We just have been through so much trauma that we had to become this way to survive.
Ofcourse, trauma is no excuse not to work on oneself.
Finding ppl who are committed to working on INTEGRATION of FRAGMENTED parts of themselves is a rare thing.
Typically they are older, from what i can tell.
Working on my issues and traumas and integrating fragmented parts of myself was the best thing I've ever done.
I used a book called King, Warrior, Magician, Lover to help me in my journey.
Another good book for healthy masculinity is Man Of Steel and Velvet.
Also Robert Blys book called Iron John.
Masculinity is learned. We don't have good teachers so we have a society of uninitiated boys masquerading as men.
I will admit I still have personal work and healing to do but I've come a very very long way and all my friends and family agree I've become the best version of myself thus far. I do my best to teach younger men and boys in my family how to be and exhibit healthy masculinity.
There's a lot of talk about toxic masculinity. We need more healthy masculinity.
OK that's my two cents. Good luck! Wishing you the best and true love!
Same here
Adam, you are so right. I love an avoidant man and over two years he was hot and cold long distance, and it was difficult for my anxious attachment style. But he helped me become secure within myself by learning to relax, give him time and room to feel safe with me. And now he is actively working on moving closer to me to build a life together. I learned so much from my avoidant in my life and ready to keep working on self regulation to become more secure
Yes! Same thing happened with me! I was insanely anxious with an avoidant- which I knew nothing about at the time. HE’S the one who calmed me… he was so kind and caring about it. He didn’t shame me or cut me off! And because of it, I began researching about relationships and came across Adam’s channel. It’s been several months of me just soaking it all in and I couldn’t be happier in life and with him because of it!
That sounds like quite a journey you've been on. It's great that you've found a way to grow through it!
same with me!
Can you share how did you "prevent" him from seeking new attention from new people after about 7months to a year? Because I also hear stories about some guys after you become secure and give him time and space, and by the end he didn't respect or cherish your love but turn away and seek for new lovers.
@waterlilynymph thank you for sharing. Can you shae some things you did? What's the longest time he disappeared? This is an ongoing cycle, I try not to chase but some times I know I'm intense.
You are damned if you do, you are damned if you don't.
Only solution is to become secure, call them out, set boundaries. If they aren't willing to put in the work, leave.
What they are doing, including stonewalling, silent treatment etc. is all emotional abuse.
@@nickus51
1000%
They are actually projecting the abuse lack of emotions they received on to YOU. Remove yourself from this. You WILL feel better.
Yes! Thank you.
Ladies do yourself a favor. Stop chasing avoidant men. Let them do the hard work to heal and let them show you they are trying to change. Otherwise stop wasting your time. Months or years can go by you will never get back.
@@dig-in8bo and men, stop chasing avoiding ladies..... 😳
I second that as a mature woman with experience.
@@christinefoltz1055 it is not so easy to give up. Not for me. It shouldn't be easy to get someone out of your heart....
@@christinefoltz1055 I speak from experience as a secure attached man had a very challenging relationship with an fearful avoidant woman. She sort of pursued me in the beginning. DMing . Asking me why I was still single, and when she met me she thought I was a catch. Lots of love bombing which I never experienced in my life from a woman. But then when things got close and intimate. Left without an adult conversation, just a text. It's unfortunate and cold , but that's how some avoidants function. They can still love and adore you, but their core wound fears will overwhelm their feelings. They need to do the work to heal before they are ready for a healthy relationship.
Yes, they have to wanna work on themselves and see if there is something that they need to change most don’t I was with him for five years. I need to deflected everything that he did wrong onto me that I caused him to be this way and use the word force quit “forcing me”. Never understood it till now as I should’ve left four years ago, wasn’t trying to force anything on him very dissociated!
I let him come back. It works. The truth is they will definitely come back after a few months but the reality is they show up the exact same way as u left them! They will come back with the same half assed energy as they always had. They will always keep you at arms length you will never hear words of confirmation and if you want to be with somebody like that, you have to accept that you’re gonna get crumbs from a person like that so you have to make the assessment of, do you want to be in a relationship where you feel like you’re enduring 90% of the time and coping 90% of the time? I didn’t.
Hey, thanks for sharing that. I hear you loud and clear that you want a partner who puts in more effort and makes you feel secure. Have you thought about what kind of communication might help get your needs met in the relationship?
Sounds gross and unfulfilling
@@AttachmentAdamrisk based language 😌
He has so many good points about how their avoidant attachment came about in the first place.
My own notes to self:
1. Work on own codependency to manage abandonment triggers and get secure attachment. So much hotter than the alternative
2. Don’t create perceived or real pressure (being critical and pushy)
3. Get a life and leave them alone, let them come around- stop chasing. No smother mothering behavior
4. If they don’t come around…. Have enough self esteem to start moving on at which point you guys can do the dance all over again because you’ll have lost interest in them and moved in with someone which takes all the pressure off of person A which makes you more attractive
Exactly. Awesome observations. Avoidants can be amazing with a partner who gives off healthy, independent, stable energy.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes not usually though, they usually are too immature ( not able to receive love/project onto others) to retain someone with secure attachment, especially if they refuse ownership
Thanks alot this will help me lots!
What to do when the avoidant texts after two or three days? Should I take the same amount of time to reply? Or should I reply after only some hours? Would that be considered chasing?
I left 2+ years ago when I caught him emotionally cheating for a 3rd time. His body & mind is toxic, he made himself impotent from unhealthy choices. He still gives me silent treatment. I’m happy with work so I have my own money. Men who don’t do inner work I have no energy or time for.
It’s starting to feel like torture to be honest. I think I don’t have the luxury to keep this relationship. I’m in recovery and it’s just too much
I think you should only stick with an avoidant if you REALLY feel like it's worth the trouble (torture !!!) and really believe in the person's potential to heal and then make you happy/satisfy your needs.
Courage
What makes it feel that way? I encourage you to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com to discuss this in more detail. I'd be happy to share more strategies and resources with you.
It absolutely is like being tortured! 100%
I say that at least 8 times a day! Lol
These people cause so much pain. Even when they seem (or pretend) like they're not trying to. Every thing that comes out of their mouth is so aloof & nonchalant. And even when their words are sweet, their actions are usually atrocious or just selfish really. Like they could care less how you feel, or how they're making you feel. Smfh
Yeah, I'm in the middle of this right now, as well. Have been for a very long time, in fact! And I don't even know why I hold on. Wishing for that "magic day" where she finally realizes, and it all turns around, I guess? 😅
Yeah right.... I know.
They're simply self absorbed from what I can tell. And it makes me sick, in all honesty.
Idk why we love who we love? 🤷🏻♂️
But it seems like a terrible system to me.
Best of luck to you, with yours! 🙂👍🏻
@@johnnydi2231 I get it. Are you in the course? The hardest work is at the beginning. I am in your shoes
Never chased anybody. Still he disappeared for days in the beginning. I said i was sick of it and that was it. Bumped into a few times but not a word from this person. I dont really care about other's trauma. Cant be bother. Not a mother, not a psycho, just a woman. period. I am so happy to be myself.
well sometimes it's not just the trauma, most probably the feelings were not enough too... from both sides. Which is ok. Otherwise that wouldn't have been the end! (Trust me, you surely have some type of trauma too, and you would want the one to be in relationship with, to care about it! Otherwise it's not love we are talking about, if you can't care about the burden of the person you supposedly want to be with)
have an aviodant wife that left to get peace . its very sad they can just run off and not care
I totally get it. In this imperfect world we all go through so much. There is help available for everyone who wants it. I’ll go get mine, you go get yours.
Relationship is like a job. Get qualifications. Don’t apply if you are not qualified. You must do inservice to remain qualified.
And why is it being nice to someone you love, helping when needed considered unhealthy anxious attachment?
God tells us to be kind to our enemies. Certainly, I will be kind to my spouse.
I'd rather inspire somebody - and somebody else! Not avoiding me. I'd rather fall in love with my own life and naturally attract people who want to share it. I also want to show him respect. If he's running the other way, best way I can support him is to let him go, to take the hint and scram. To respect his space. And give him plenty. It's not personal. It's not against me. It's just for him to feel secure in his own safety. No chuff.
See I feel this leaves the partner having to accept what the avoidant partner wants to give . Everything I've heard so far leaves the partner only getting what the avoidant wants to give when they want to give it .
That's probably because the title is doomed anyway. No one should strategize in relationships. I don't think that ever works long term. One can just be themselves, trusting life, and be open to receive gracefully whatever life wants to give. That's already a lot to do.
You're missing a big component. That is that people influence each other. We each have a certain tendency to react and behave, based on our early experiences. We all want to be given in relationships, and some try to get based on those early learning experiences. But in a relationship if you want something different, you need to learn how to affect the unit, the two people who create it, in a way that is life - supporting.
@@sunbeam9222 I agree
@@sunbeam9222 This only works if you're secure. If you have an insecure attachment style, and you keep being yourself, you're likely going to mess up your relationships. It's not about strategizing, but healing (both of you) so your relationship goes smoother.
@@mystic-83_ the problem is security doesn't work with avoidants, they will sabotage everyone around them. So it doesn't matter- you have to strategize with them, its the only way to try to get them to see the wall they might have to heal in themselves, especially if you are anxious this will just be double work.
With an avoidant, you are alone and that is a worse alone than being totally alone!!
Why do you think that?
@joed4066 yes! When you are alone you know what to expect and there's no roller coaster. When you feel alone with someone, you have no idea what to expect and it can lead to disappointment. At least if I disappoint myself I can course correct. I'm not trying to manage anyone else's course as that also leads to disappointment. 😞
@@AttachmentAdam bcs they are damaged, unless they wanna to some self reflection and inner work, there’s no hope with them!! They avoid you!!!
Agree. No conversation. Go where he wants to go. His music in the car. Doesn't hold my hand or initiate a kiss.
I'd rather be alone.... Peace instead of uncertainty of wondering why he is with me in the first place....
Jesus said, Let the dead bury the dead.
I love an avoidant one and totally 💯 understand the core reasons for his traumatic response for any intimacy and relationships…
The problem with giving all the space and time and understanding etc etc is that it never teaches them that there’s also another’s person needs and wounds and emotions. And that love demands trust and vulnerability but on terms of both parts. Not only that we become his space giver therapy to continue the loop of avoidance.
But still they are so lovable ❤
And yes, the only thing that works is to heal our own anxiety and become securely attached and walk away with gratitude and appreciation for the lessons.
You are so right!
Adam, you are a big help. Probably because you have an inside lane. I noticed a pic on your desk of "The Man!" who was brought before the crowd. I recognize the pic from the magazine. Are you one of us? I think..
I was bonded to the man I love. The second time he left, I gave him a dose of his own medicine. He came back, shocked.. that I left him. No.. I told him what's wrong. He has taken time and happily is settling down. Now we talk heart to heart. He's learning slowly to trust. I pray a lot!
how did you navigate that? Did you just cut him off? Did you tell him you were cutting him off? am interested to understand this, I tried telling my guy I was gone and he didnt seem to care
I’ve been letting him come to me for three years at his convenience because I know he panics after intimacy. We broke up for four months because I asked for a commitment and he said he loves me and is crazy attracted to me but doesn’t feel enough to take it to the next level. Then he came back and he came to visit me seven hours away, we had a beautiful few days together … and now it’s been silence for a week. It used to hurt me and I think I’m just desensitized now and my feelings have sort of shut off. I’ve always called him my feral cat. That’s exactly how I have to approach him. But I’m at the point where I don’t want to enable him anymore so I encouraged him to get into trauma and or twelve step therapy. He said he wants to change but is terrified about what that entails. I have to just leave him to do what he’s gonna do and take care of me.
Stop having sex with him , and see what happens. Why are you giving the best part of yourself to someone who doesn’t understand what you are giving
Sound exactly like what i m going trough 😢
@@innan.599 it’s crazy how common it is. Ugh I’m sorry. I just finally texted him yesterday saying I have to pull away because I’m lowering my standards and enabling him by accepting this hot and cold behavior.
People don't change unless they absolutely have to. Often that means losing someone or something important permanently.
Years ago I told him I just wanted him to love me. He shrugged and waved his arms at me saying, "how can i love that?" Any time i told him what i needed from him emotionally, he exploded at me hurling insane abusive words at me. I learned to not ask for anything i needed...lonliest relationship ive ever been in. I'm done. I'm OVERdone!
It sounds like you were in a deeply unfulfilling, toxic relationship. Good for you for not taking his abuse and deciding to move on. Did this relationship or experience affect your confidence or self-esteem?
The cat scenario makes me laugh so hard. I was picturing myself and how I love people too excitedly 😂😅
Some people are scared cats, others are golden retrievers... make sure you're matched properly so you're appreciated!
I just learned that my anxious attachment style is getting tired of the avoidant feeling. I am done
I hope the answer is not Chase but be available when he comes towards you let him know you're interested without saying it and enjoy his company where while he's there and that's it I hope I'm still learning and I'm 63. So you understand this it's because I was raised by a man raised by a man never taught how to date from a woman's perspective
Avoidant people are just so not worth your time. Was in a relationship with one, totally emotionally drained and destroyed me. My advice: find someone who will fight for you like you fight for him, and let avoidants run away from life forever.
It sounds like you went through a very painful experience with an avoidant partner, and it's completely understandable to feel drained and angry. I agree that finding someone who is willing to fight for the relationship is important. What are some other qualities you'd like to see in a future partner?
I remember when I asked my avoidant partner (who was a situationship att) what he wanted in a woman. He said, “well.. someone nice, loving and warm.” He then just sat there and seemed content with the list. I burst out laughing which kind of upset him. Then I told him, “sorry I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing because that’s the bare minimum.” Security, peace and patience were the words he was looking for. It’s easy to be warm and loving without being patient and peaceful.
Wow!!! This one video has helped me to understand him. This is crazy how on point this is !! I will definitely take your advice thank you.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me. I enjoy breaks, space, room to stretch or grow. I don't need to control them or force them or guilt them into staying with me. They want to ne somewhere else? They have every right. If I care for them, I'd rather see them happy. When they care for me, they'll stay for that reason. Any coerced reason is not true, real, or reliable.
I’ve been with you for about a month now, and you are correct. We know :) my only problem is had I found this earlier….. I could have not only prevented the devastation on both parts, because I can identify each and every opportunity I had where I could have reacted with healthy boundaries.
i love you, dude
i have a good friend who seems avoidant, and my insecure attachment style, as a friend, caused a rupture in our friendship
it's so good to begin to understand what's going on with him and how i can be a better friend
G-d bless you and the good work your doing
I've never had such quick and fulfilling results and honestly I wouldn't even call myself anxiously attached anymore.. I go hours without messaging her but I love she is consistent In calling me and daily and I've now noticed it almost flipping. . I've never felt so confident in myself and with her and seeing her showing feelings I've never seen from her in nearly years of dating
You are a genius and how you put it into layman terms it's really relatable.
I look back on how I was and cringe. and feel like a dictator in how I was toxicly telling her how it needed to be. Thank you thank you thank you.
wait, so she is chasing you now? ... I'm only asking because I am with a guy that seemed to initiate text at first, but then i got comfortable messaging him all the time about random things...
I realized I was starting to message way more than he did and was becoming anxious so I pulled back... then he did NOTHING...
I waited 4 days and finally wrote something, to which he immediately responded to but now he just won't initiate any conversation. I don't really understand it, but I'm wondering if he feels like you and just enjoys me consistently communicating...
it just became exhausting on my end because it feels like he's so passive, he could care less if I came or went, I don't feel valued anymore... I feel like I'm being taken for granted... I tried not to over analyze because nothing negative is being stated...
I just don't want to play any games...
so when I read what you wrote, it sounds like you enjoy the girl messaging you all the time without you initiating? am I getting it correctly?
is this a good thing? I just can't figure out, if I should do that because I don't want to come off like I'm chasing him
Adam, this is my favourite video of yours. I think it's so amazing. I understood myself better, and know what to do consistently now. I also know that when I've self- regulated, and shown empathy, he opens up. One way of putting it is " how would love respond"? If one can step back and respond that way, and also communicate clearly and calmly - that's basic relationship skills of a loving adult. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm thrilled to hear that the video resonated with you and provided valuable insights. It sounds like you've gained some powerful tools for nurturing your relationship. Keep up the great work, and I'm here if you ever need further guidance.
The self-regulation is huge!! After repeated avoidance, that’s when I had struggles to maintain composure.
What I learned was to speak up after the avoidance right away, in a calm tone. Establish boundaries and even take some space for myself with self-reflection.
Now that I’m learning to self-reflect better, I realized which avoidant relationships I had to let go and which ones I mirror their level of investment. It brought me much peace.
Because hyper focusing on someone who is taking space only steals my joy. And I allowed myself to waste precious time because I was not self-regulating property.
Wow, you described my relationship exactly. I sure wish I had this information years ago when I went through this. It was So painful.
Thank you so much. Love your content and rhe way you explain things. Much love and success.
Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad you find the content helpful.
Incredible video. Thank you so much
You helped... You informed me, so i can finally understand us and him more, i could relax a bit into the situation, got to work on myself and at the same time got more secure and as result that we getting closer together... He learns what it feels like to be really loved and trust and feel save and i Learn how to be me and also feel save again. We neither experienced real intimacy but between us it comes naturally and it is very special to be so vulnerable with someone
Its a slow proces but that is a good thing a guess.
He told me yesterday that his thoughts where all he had going and since a while his feelings pierce through now and then and those make him think about his usual thoughts 😁. He told me his thoughts and some fears, I am surprised to hear that his thoughts about us are about the future, if we can and will care for eachother, and how to get there etc, I am still in the moment, I love that, never imagined him to think about that's...
Oh sorry, this was going to be a short thank you for helping us but it is again, a bit more..
I can talk for hours about him and I and our story so far, but I will shut up now. 😁👌🏻
I am self regulating in my life he can get lost forever !!!!!!! ✅
Truth! Need to watch it again!
I'm glad you found it valuable!
I feel like these videos might be teaching people especially women to stay in unhealthy relationships. We all have. Responsibility to be our best self is not someone else’s job.
Yes :(😊
What made you feel that way?
@@AttachmentAdam What made me feel the responsibility to be our best self is not somebody else’s job??
I understand what you are saying. I am kinda clinging to the hope that life can be better. Family, love, ... it starts with us and that we become stronger.
Lots of people who hear how ethical avoidants behave interpret that behavior, especially the drastic attempts to protect themselves, as ignorance or manipulation, ...
I want to believe in what I feel. And I feel there is a kind person behind the armor.
I have stayed with manipulative avoidants and that shows I firstly have to work on myself.
I want to believe Adam and I hope he is right.
And maybe it doesnt matter if there is no new beginning. I use the time of nc to work on myself. i have a loving heart to give and just through my time around ethical avoidance i have grown so beautifully strong. Now I Need to wake up and work on needs which I have always put second. And on being happy, fulfilled.
I kinda hope, whatever happens, my heart finds what it needs. One day.
I wait for the avoidance after deactivation to turn into readiness to work according to Adams hints.
If this doesnt happen, i have to be ok. I will only stay unless there is reliable work.
I guess if I stick to that route and do my own homework there is no problem?
tryna figure it out...
Especially women? Women are more avoidant than men these days
Why do I want to have a relationship who wants to avoid it😂
Great question. Your avoidant partner most likely only wants to avoid conflict, emotionally overwhelming situations, and betrayal. They don't want to avoid having the entire relationship. Let me know if this makes sense.
@@AttachmentAdam they want to avoid emotional intimacy not just conflict or betrayal. I don’t have a partner that is avoidant. I avoided them 🤪
@@ruthr8990 my avoidant is very emotionally intimate with me. It doesn't happen overnight though. They have to establish love and trust and not feel judged.
@@ruthr8990I think the way you put this really clarifies the delusion- that you can have an intimate relationship without conflict. That seems surreal.
Conflicts either brings you more intimate or further apart. With avoidants it’s further apart. An intimate relationship with avoidants are oxymoron. Teaching/learning attracting avoidants creates more sufferings in life. Avoidants are to be avoided.
Writing things down frantically and definitely watching this again 😅 thank you 🙏🏻 lots to think about
Taking the time to reflect and revisit can often lead to valuable insights. Glad you found it helpful!🙏❤
Avoidants are exhausting. And honestly, make me react toxic to their toxic bs.
You freaking nailed it
Found this really helpful. Thank you 😊
So glad it was helpful!😊
Good advice, Adam.
Thanks, Nancy. I appreciate your support!
I’m so grateful this takes a positive approach. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
Your explanation of anxious attachment style hit way too close to home. You just described me, and I didn't know any of this. It made me cry. This new realization may help me realize a lot of things about myself!
I’m glad you’re getting some answers. I recommend you go watch my video called the seven signs of anxious attachment style, it’s about 15 minutes long and shows you exactly what to look for. You should find a lot of answers in that video!
This video is awesome! It describes the relationship with the avoidant all together. You can be secure and and an avoidant will make you so anxious because healthy communication does not work
I'm glad you found the video helpful! It sounds like it really resonated with your experience in this relationship. What are you looking for in future relationships?
@@AttachmentAdam healthy communication and appreciation of effort on both sides 🥰
Wooooow oh woooow!! Where have u been all my life? I almost ended my marriage with my avoidant husband of 10 n half years. Thank you so much!!! *A new subscriber*
I'm so glad to hear that you found the information helpful and that it might have made a positive impact on your marriage! What specific insights or strategies from the videos do you plan to apply in your relationship moving forward?
You are just the best! Thanks for all your helpfull work! ♥
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad to be able to help and provide support.
You have to regulate your emotions. I’m dealing with an avoidant man and he’s watched because I’m cool calm and NEVER CHASE! You have to relax and let go of control. It works for me.
Amazingly clear!!! 😊
Glad you think so! Which part of this resonated most?
Just found ur channel!!! Thank u so much, I'm watching all of ur vids. Plz keep it up!!
I don't know if it's your looks, your voice, the confidence with which you talk, that you seem like a humorous guy to hang out with, or that what you say makes so much sense, but you are very attractive. Just wanted to point that out. 😅 Thanks for your videos and keep up the good work.
That's a fantastic compliment, thank you! I really appreciate you taking the time to share that. It means a lot to know my message is resonating and helping people. Thanks again for the support!
Absolutely fantastic video.. this man is a genius 👏
Thank you so much for the support! I appreciate you!
Thank you very much for this video Adam❤
Happy to help! Was there a part in this video that particularly stood out to you?
He asked me for a step back and be friends after one year and half. We talk every day, but no signs of him showing up. He said it was his work routine that changed, but my thought is, if one really wants to be with someone, they make time. He freaked out with me, because we setup a day to be together and he didn’t showed up. When I told him that I felt like I was not a priority (in a very calm way), he said that it was better if we were friends, but didn’t discard in the future that we might be together again. When I declined being just friends, it was like he was pushing me to open up about my feelings towards him. Like a confirmation, that I really love him. I am working on myself, because all of this made me be anxious. I really miss him, and we always had a great time together.
The on-and-off nature of the relationship has likely created emotional turmoil in you, but I'm happy to hear you were able to establish clear boundaries and that you're working on yourself right now. What steps are you taking to prioritize yourself during this time?
@@AttachmentAdam I am focusing on my life’s priorities, my work that I love and thinking about my health. We still talk everyday which everyone tells me it’s a mistake, but at this stage, I already left what I want in a relationship, so in case he is back he knows he can’t screw things. He knows that I am achieving success and having small winnings every day. The next step, possibly will be going back to the gym.
@LaetitiaEstrella omg, my exact same story😨 literally!!!! It hit when you said it's like confirmation they need ir reassurance, but then they still do nothing, it goes nowhere and back to square one😓...I have empathy, but this is draining me and my peace. Sucks to lose someone over trauma 😕
@@maribelvalles-ortega298 Read the book “Attached”. It’s mind blowing to explain the dynamics and why they happen. I am returning to my secure attachment and I do love him, but this is like Samantha Jones. “I love you, but I love me more”. ❤️
Constantly working on being self regulated? Wow, i never would have thought! 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
You can do it! How do you plan to incorporate self-regulation practices into your daily routine?
absolutely helpful video and very clear to understand integrally, thanks a lot, helped me very much
Happy to help! Was there any particular part that stood out?
@@AttachmentAdam Sure, the explanation of how an avoidant person brain works!!! 👌
Great video!! Can you use all the info in this video for avoidant women too or is there a different strategy beyond no chasing?
Absolutely love your platform thank you so much.
I love my avoidant deeply
I am textbook, anxious, attachment, style woman I made all the mistakes you brought up . I now have been working on myself. To become the secure, attachment behaviors. And doing well with it I still have long way to go.
This last break up with John is different in the fact that I am not chasing him anymore .. It still has not worked. to store our relationship. But I will continue to move forward.
Im becoming aware for myself that any destructive pattern is like being beaten and torured for years......that healing takes compassion and kindness and understanding to support and move into a healthier direction. Like healing any injury it's a step at a time.
I did not chase. After he left, he texted things like: I miss you, You’re so beautiful, I was thinking about you. … but never picked up the phone or came over to talk. I didn’t respond to the texts, because, He had told me he couldn’t be with me when he left. … … I texted to confirm: I understand you no longer want anything to do with me. He never refuted that… text indicated occasionally: He was having difficulty being broken up… How did I just walk away ( When I dropped him off at the Airport)? I made it look so easy. … but never anything about he had changed his mind…. … … ? It’s not my job to make him feel better about dumping me…
Do secure attachers ever get anxious attachment just from dealing with an avoidant attacher? I thought I had a secure attachment style until I bonded with an avoidant. I've never chased a man before; if I liked someone who didn't want a relationship, there were always plenty of others "lined up" so to speak. Then, I bonded to an avoidant and was so confused because he never said he didn't want anything with me, and he was never abusive (but neglect/avoidance feels like abuse) and we Loved spending time together.
I guess that's a long-winded explanation to try to understand my own behavior in response to an avoidant...
@sophia yes they bring out some anxiety in the secure. Sometimes i take Ashwagandha or lion’s mane and I don’t like it one bit.
Yes absolutely I have a reasonably secure attachment style however being with an avoidant man has definitely brought out some anxious tendencies, which I have become aware of and now I'm actively working to fix. Thankfully I believe it as much easier when you are previously securely attached but pushed towards anxious rather than anxiously attached and trying to move to securely attached from anxious.
My avoidant has recently broken up with me for the second time and I am just getting on with my life I have left the door open if he wants to get in contact but I am not pushing things. I think that is much easier for people who are secure to do than those who are anxious. I love him and I want him to be happy but I cannot continue to put myself through the cycles if he refuses to get help to work on his avoidance. Putting healthy boundaries in place is something that securely attached people do much better than anxiously attached.
@@Sporkwoman @user-tz1hl3pf2w
Thank You both! His behavior was confusing enough, but then me behaving in ways that aren't normal or natural for me was BEYOND confusing! This really helps.
Yep dismissive avoidants can turn secure people into anxious ones. Due to their repeated patterns of behaviours. And yes neglect is a form of abuse too.
@@RubyLine I'm curious to know what you would consider neglect. I date a DA and don't feel that way. But I also don't have a ton of needs.
Love this. Deep breaths, now. What, Why, How Iften Method. Stellar
It feels to me like both styles orriginate from trauma and so i feel like everyone needs to adress that first, heal yourself first instead of trying to make a relationship work while both are dealing with this trauma
Love your Video , iam an anxious attachement style, and you know what , i need someone with a secure attachment style or also an anxious because it is not worth it to be with an avoidand because i need someone who wants to Communicate who wants to settle down but these kind of people are Not ready and iam Not Waiting for them ❤ i Wait for someone does not put me in anxiety all day sweaty and shiffering , i Wait for the men who gives me the feeling of Comfort, and iam sorry that they have Trauma but it is not my responsability to accept their behavoir
Love this video. I’ve been working so much on regulation. Always open to tips on that. But this has answered a lot of questions and given me more hope. It’s sad to see so many limiting comments because love always wins ❤
I'm glad the video resonated with you and provided hope! What regulation techniques have you been using that were effective?
My previous comment is the anxious I’m me jumping to defend what I believe in lol. But I now know my emotion backed responses are ineffective because I can’t slow down to say what I mean and mean what I say.
My intentions are this, in response to the heat he’s getting.
Here’s WHY Adam is set apart from a pond with many other extraordinary and intelligent experts.
When I turned to CZcams in search for help I needed so desperately. But describing my partner led me straight to Narcissism. I battled my heart and my head because I was so torn with what I was reading and listening to because I knew he wasn’t evil. Then I found Adam where attachment theory LITERALLY was the EXACT thing we were going through.
And neither my ex partner and I are monsters. We just so happen to be THE WORST combination anxious and avoidant both topped with one undiagnosed bpd and an untreated bpd.
So yeah. You’re pretty irreplaceable to your crew!!
Avoidants are only attracted to securely attached people as they don't want the responsibility of (self-)regulating them (13m in). You need to keep going with that thought, and see how the avoidant is then making their self-regulation the secure's responsibility. If someone gets as secure as you say is needed to keep the relationship,they'll have outgrown the relationship
I don't think that's the case. They attract anxious as much if not moreso
Yep.
I’m actually really happy to come across your channel, I’ve been intertwined with an anxious avoidant for the last 4 1/2 yrs and I’m an anxious attachment. We have been going through it with this man. But it never fails when I stop chasing him he comes to me a lot more often than if I chase him, i really thought for a while that he was just a player and had commitment issues. Then i learned about his family and all the things he had endured, it made me sad and I just want him to feel loved and safe with me. Although we’re currently at a distance and not together, I still just want him to know I’m here for him.
Your situation is complex, and it's commendable that you're trying to understand the underlying patterns in your partner and your relationship. Are you two still communicating on some level or have you cut all contact?
Thank you, that resonated
You are so welcome. I'm glad to hear that. Which part stood out the most to you?
Can you talk about how these avoidants should see you to get therapy? Teaching attracting avoidants causes more pain in the universe.
Even mentioning the word "therapy" would make mine run for the hills and despise me, for he genuinely believes he's better than everyone else and could not fathom having an issue...
(when he's just better at being more miserable and lonely, lol !! :'( )
Yes, absolutely. I do encourage anxiously attached as well avoidantly attached people to start doing the work and fixing their attachment to experience healthier, more fulfilling connection with their partners and social circles. Why do you say it causes more pain in the world?
@@ElectreMusingsif he “genuinely believes he’s better than anyone else” and refuses to look at or consider his flaws that sounds a lot like narcissism
@sookibeulah9331 sounds like my newly met guy he's calling me a psychopath and loves pissing me off to get a rise he says how sexy I sound or look when I am upset. SMH.....covert narcissist???? Oh yeah not to mention he's the motherfucking shit I hear 24/7 and I stand up for myself and tell him I'm not falling for his deceit and lies he has shit to work on that is just respect for women In general but he's done nothing wrong to make me react in the tone/manner he knows how to make me angry. Our first week was pure love bombing playing house I fell in love with the idea of being with him. He's a narcissistic dickhead I hate/love I feel he has put me under a love spell bodage through sex but he's only about his nut. Shits crazy!
@@sookibeulah9331 I think most Avoidants are high on the spectrum of Narcissism. For the first few years I thought my ex was a MN but now know that he’s Avoidant w/ some narcissistic tendencies.
This is one of the most informative channels on attachment styles and how to embrace our partner with his unique style of relating to the world.
Thank you so much, I appreciate your feedback. This means a lot!
OMG I HAVE FINALLY GOT IT 🎉 TY. TY. TY.
What made this a big lightbulb moment for you? I’d love to hear.
I didn't understand exactly WHY he was so standoffish about some things in our 2.5 yr relationship. He ALWAYS had to call the shots.
Long story short: His Dad was a god to him, always working as a well known community physician. I believe that his Mom was the true task master and dealt with him since his Dad was rarely there.
I believe he holds this resentment of his Mom against all women. Ergo HE ALWAYS calls the shots.
I also noticed that when his Mom died, there was no Obit, memorial, etc....whereas his Dad had a huge write up & memorial.
What do you think?
You know what. It took me 15 plus years of burying my head in the sand and then working on my self through therapy to finally get my life back on track with the aid of medication.
After watching this video I’ve just learned that I was an Anxiously Avoidant woman. I’m not anymore. What I’m excited for now is to help spread the word, you are going to help so so many people in the future. I hope the next generation will learn from this.
My wife is avoidant 😔 i am anxious 🤦🏻♂️ i love her and our kids very much .
Wow I have been told many times that I am diss regulated and over emotional 😔. You nailed it Adam.
You are the one you have been waiting for is an excellent book . I got it and it helped me so much to understand my personal problems in my marriage.
It's great to hear that you've found resources to help you understand your challenges and relationship dynamics. How have you started to apply the insights from the book to your daily interactions with your wife and kids?
Thanks this video was helpful
Appreciate your feedback! Is this a specific struggle you grapple with in your relationship with an avoidant?
This guys on the ball!
Thank you for that! If you have any questions or need further insights, feel free to reach out. I'm here to help!
9:22 that hit the spot! You are amazing!
Glad it resonated with you. Appreciate your kind words!
It really hit my heart when you said, "He has never felt loved." 💔
That can be a powerful and heartbreaking realization. Understanding the deep-seated feelings of someone, especially an avoidant individual, can help foster empathy and patience.
How do you plan to use this understanding to approach relationships with more empathy and compassion?
I’m gonna have to watch this video several times
Before even hitting play I need to say : I hope to God that something in there will help me because DAMN, just how awful as he been lately... x_x as in as... how talented has he been to avoid me in spite of needing the relief I bring / wanting to enjoy my company probably more than ever before ... because he's dreading that we might end up TALKING SERIOUSLY, too... and that is forbidden, cos it would tear down his fake world :(
Tonight I'll be doing as Sensei says and will control my barely repressible urge to chase the man I was born to make happy and just patiently wait home... until maybe...
Still nothing... Only 1h30 of anguish to go before his window for contacting me for the day is over...
Not happening today... but the worst part is, Adam, that MAYBE if earlier I DID gather my guts and went against my vow NOT to call him because I want him to do things by himself/do not want him to feel "oppressed"... and DID call him earlier to ask him to come/REMIND him that he said he would....THEN MAYBE HE WOULD HAVE COME !!!!
Cos nights like tonight, I feel like not being contacted is taken as an opportunity to... do what he does best : avoid !! In this case : the biggest risk in his life which he can't afford : being happy for the first time and only for himself...😢 The more stressed out and miserable he gets and the more avoidant he becomes, and he IS avoidance incarnate in the first place already ! This is awful to watch because I was here to help, and still am, 5 miserable years later and after I finally understood WHY he is so damn weird and how it even has a NAME and unique biological signature !! Amazing to have found you, Adam, thank you for your immense help
It sounds like you're dealing with a difficult situation. Hang in there and feel free to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com for guidance and to discuss your situation privately
@@AttachmentAdam, thank you for caring
10:22 😂 Hello! Thank you. This is a quality content and you are charming. 🙂👍
Thank you so much for your kind words🙂 and I'm so glad the content resonates with you👍
Say Ive made every mistake available; how do I get him to even talk to me? I learned all this after. There's so much more to my story. I'll keep watching... bc that's all I can do. Thanx Adam. Im gonna keep watching.
Leave him be there isn't much you can do
But how do I know what behavior is chasing? Personally I don't think I never chase an avoidant, I never go love bombing in the early dating period, I never call 10 times and send 50 messages if he distanced, I kept a good respectful distance and gave him space when he needs it, maybe he gradually realize that I am not "risky", but it still didn't make him make the decision or statement that "I want to be in a relationship with YOU and for long term and seriously".
you were too safe and secure. He needs the emotional chaos, vapidity and pain to feed off of. Love hurts him
Thanks!
Thank you so much for your love and support!
"Nobody is to blame" is a key guideline to keep in mind.
That's a wise perspective to keep in mind.
Well I guess the one thing I've learned is apparently I'm not an avoidant person because anyone who stops chasing me will see me mirror that treatment and show that I have no interest at all for anyone who lacks enthusiasm for a relationship with me. If you're able to avoid me and not pursue me then that tells me you're not actually interested in me at all and honestly I can't imagine any person who would prefer chasing someone who isn't chasing them back
It's insightful that you've recognized this pattern in yourself. How do you usually communicate your needs and expectations in the earlier relationship stages?
@@AttachmentAdam This is a great question and I guess the best way to answer it is when I'm comfortable I don't hold anything back so there's nothing that doesn't get said. Unfortunately I'm not big on repeating myself cuz childhood didn't allow for it so if I'm not heard actually just try to make the necessary changes for myself to deal with whatever it is. That's if it's just an inconvenience to me if there's a bigger picture issue I will continue to bring it up.
Hi Adam, very interesting point of view and video. Would the same apply for avoidant women? Or would you treat it slightly different? Thank you
These keep popping up on my feed, ugh 😩 I don’t care, I don’t want avoidants in my life.
Got a flame in my hand
If you don’t want a fire step out of my light - Danzig
Thank you for this Adam - but I think you need to change the title to make it clear it is about avoidant men. Now you need to do an equivalent video about avoidant women.
Thanks for sharing your perspective! Understanding attachment styles in both men and women is crucial indeed.
I’m recognizing some of the signs of AAS with my girlfriend, including the love-bombing (although I was guilty of that too in joining her with that, which made us feel we really met the loves of our lives in each other 🥳😅), the strong urge to be self-supporting, the trust-issues (consisting of moments of extreme jealousy and sometimes even controlling me; but also a lack of trust in other people), and the recurring periods of ghosting.
And although I gained a lot of trust in general with her, and she told me several times she valued my patience, she still is following her own agenda making me feel I’m totally no priority for her. I would love it if we were able to become more of a team together.
Although your video’s offer some great insights, I have the idea there is a difference between men and women with AAS. Maybe because of cultural aspects; I’m not sure, it’s just a hinge. (By the way: my lady is African, so that could play a part too). Could you do a video about these possible differences between men and women where you go into that into more detail please ?
Thank you thsnk you thsnk you!!! ❤
Appreciate you! ❤❤
Thank you. This all has described my Wife and I. She is fearful avoidant, while I am anxious lol. She left the marriage for a limerent affair. The affair is over now and she is showing signs of return. She drops hints here and there about coming back but can't seem to just come out and say it. I understand now and will continue to learn. Thank you.
I'm glad the video resonated with you. Understanding your attachment styles is a big step.
If your wife is hinting at returning, creating a safe space for open communication could help. Have you considered couples coaching to navigate this transition?
My guy, please leave this woman who clearly sees you as second fiddle at best. You are only staying because you don't think that you can do better and she knows this.
My twin flame is an avoidant and I adore and love him. I’ve learned about this for a long time. We’ve been together on and off for 7 years. He’s an amazing guy when he is good. But it’s hard working towards balance and it’s exhausting. I’m not sure what will happen with my beloved but I’ll keep y’all updated.
Please do! And feel free to reach out if you ever need any help or guidance.
Hi Alan, I would love to know if this course helps if he pulled away weeks ago and I let him first, usually my nervous system is regulated, but it took so long so I guess I started chasing as I was trying to get a conversation and clarity, which made him pull away even more, if not even completely.
I don‘t know if it’s too late right now… Do you think this course makes sense here? Thank you
It's never too late to work on yourself and your relationships. Seeking clarity and understanding is always valuable. Please reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com so we can better discuss your situation and find the perfect solution!
Two words: QUEEN SHYTTT 💯💯💯
Im new to watching this channel, and the advice seems great. But does it apply to avoidant women as well?
Yes, the advice generally applies to avoidant women as well. The principles of understanding, communication, and addressing attachment styles are relevant regardless of gender.
What specific challenges are you facing, and how can the advice be tailored to help with your situation?
He left and is never coming back.
I gave it my best . I stopped chasing after being Ghosted .
We had one talk since due to my request ( a bit of pressure )
He couldn’t feel love , mind You He didn’t spend a lot of time with Me
Somehow He decided early on He didn’t love Me
He became convinced that probably wont change
He used time and distance as an excuse
He had many excuses
Yet He knows He will most likely will not find the Woman He wants because I think He is unrealistic
He basis too much on physical
I went on a date the other day. We had lunch. No more than a couple of hours. 2 days later he texted me to explain how he enjoyed our time, how interesting and beautiful and blablabla I am but that he will never be able to love me 😂😂😂.
It sounds like you've been through a lot. Take care of yourself during this time and if you ever need support, feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com
@@sunbeam9222ouch ! That was fast
Rotational dating and being super strict with rules in the first month and monitoring and replacing really helps you avoid toxic/avoidant ppl. Do it with men/friends/ etc etc. monitoring super close and being open but quick to cut off early in the first month
It's also crucial to recognize that not everyone who exhibits certain behaviors is inherently toxic or avoidant. Some people may simply need more time to open up and build trust.
Have you considered exploring other strategies for building healthy relationships, such as effective communication, setting boundaries, and developing strong self-esteem? A combination of these approaches can create a more balanced and fulfilling dating experience.
@@AttachmentAdam I’ve considered creating strict boundaries for who I entertain early on. People can exhibit anything they want, no one including me needs to accept it or adapt to it. New people are strangers who should be looked at with strict eyes. Communicating with strangers who already display signs of incompatibiltiy leads to disasters