How to Love an Avoidant Partner
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- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
- The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now.
Are you in love with an avoidant partner and struggling to help them feel the depth of your love? Do you fear that your affection might be pushing them away? You're not alone, and there is hope! In this video, I, Adam Lane Smith, the Attachment Specialist, will reveal the secrets of avoidant partners and what they truly need from you-even if they don’t realize it themselves.
Over the past 10 years, I’ve helped thousands of avoidant individuals and their partners navigate the complexities of their relationships. Today, I’m sharing what avoidant people have secretly told me they crave, but would never ask for. I'll teach you how to love your avoidant partner in the best possible way, ensuring they feel safe, understood, and deeply connected to you.
What You’ll Learn in This Video:
Understanding Avoidant Attachment: Explore how avoidant attachment develops and the brain's survival adaptations that drive it.
Chemical Insights: Learn about the six key brain chemicals that affect avoidant individuals and their ability to bond.
Effective Communication: Discover how to speak your partner’s love language by addressing risks and providing clear, measurable solutions.
Building Trust and Security: Find out how to help your avoidant partner feel less pressured and more secure, enabling them to receive your love.
By the end of this video, you’ll have actionable steps to enhance your relationship and build a deeper connection with your avoidant partner. Ready to start loving them in the best possible way? Let’s get started!
Dive deeper with my comprehensive video course, designed to guide you step-by-step through the process. This course also applies to avoidant women. Join the Course through this Link:
adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
I'm Adam Lane Smith, the Attachment Specialist. Together, we can transform your relationship and help your avoidant partner feel truly loved. See you in the next video!
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give this video on Avoidant Attachment Style: • Can Avoidant Men ever ...
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - Understanding Avoidant Partners
00:01:43 - Avoidant Attachment Style: Childhood Experiences and Brain Chemistry
00:03:34 - The Dopamine-Cortisol Pathway
00:05:22 - Misunderstanding in Relationships
00:07:12 - Fluffy Unicorn Love for Avoidant People
00:09:05 - The Role of Vasopressin Receptors in Bonding with Avoidant Partners
00:10:59 - Helping Your Partner Open Up and Bond
00:12:50 - Managing Risks and Building Intimacy
00:14:41 - How to Love and Avoidant Partner
The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available!
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
I'm a fluffy unicorn in love with an avoidant Viking. I have connected with him logically. He sees me as less of a threat and more of an alli. He tells me about things that are bothering him and problems he's trying to solve. He took me fishing. I found him a bobber. 😊 This makes me feel needed and appreciated. My anxiety is fading. His love, and ability to express it is slowly and awkwardly opening up like a hesitant flower I feel is going to burst open any minute. It's messy and imperfect but measurable progress that fills me with hope. In the meantime, my relationships with everyone else are improving too. I'm better at checking in with my friends and children. Building bonds. Thank you Adam. 🙏
Yes! This is happening to me right now... the same, to a T
@@L.Pandapony yay for healing!!
Pin this comment quick, and send a detachment to protect her before the wolves attack! This was my experience from the Avoidant's perspective as well, she had a beautiful mind and I could rely on her like no other before or since, and I blossomed under her patient collaboration. Congratulations to you both, and thanks for your story.
@@don-eb3fj you made me smile from the inside out. I'm so grateful for your reinforcement that I'm on the right track. I can see the changes. So can he. Even now, he's texting me about his worries. I got him laughing by hearing him out and suggesting silly but plausible solutions. Please tell me more about your story. 💕
Hello unicorn, from a fellow unicorn I guess. I feel the same way.
I am sick of his come and go, sabotage and taking me for granted, so walked away. I am worth of being loved and devoted to. Very sick of reading his mind and him being closed off. I am heartbroken but enough is enough. I offered all my support and care.
❤
Did you take care of yourself first?
Maybe you learned what you had to learn then, hopefully.
Good job, you're a bare minimum functioning adult 🎉 have a pat on the back
@@bulletron3000absolutely not. A bate minimum adult wouldn't put in effort to try to make a relationship work with an avoidant. She's probably exhausted
If you are a young woman who wants to have a family, please be aware of timing and how trying to heal a relationship when the other is unable/unwilling to engage in healing may rob you of that option. Losing your early to mid twenties to a relationship where the other person is unwilling to work on it can cost you the opportunity to have a family. I wish I had known that. and had not spent so much time trying to fix the unfixable. We think we have until 40 to have kids, so many of us stay and try to work it out with our partner who is not showing any real signs of wanting to change or making any real progress. There is hope for some, but please be honest with what you are seeing and, if you are childless now but want to have kids, be very aware of how the time you are spending is precious and could impact that option.
Great point sweetie. .. more attention needs to be brought up with this reality
I agree, great point! I wasted many years on avoidance men. One married me when I was 42, then left a few days later. He came back twice for a few weeks, then I told him not to come back if he didn't want a real marriage. I didn't see him for a year. Every few months he'd just send me a card saying he missed me. I didn't respond because he made no attempt to actually talk, it was like just wanted to keep me in place in case he changed his mind. I filed for divorce, then found out I was pregnant. I raised my son on my own, which was difficult. When my son turned 14, he changed and became angry and abusive. I tried to enlist the help of my ex, and he wanted nothing to do with him. I feel sorry for him because he's still alone at 67 years old, but I also can't stand him for being so selfish that he refuses to be a part of my son's life, when my son desperately needs him. He's actually, unfortunately, a lot like his father. I understand being hurt and damaged, and that is sad. But, that level of selfishness is hard to understand, and when I think of how he hurt my son, it just seems unexcusable.
@@JaneDoe-qi2gq I am so very sorry you went through all of that! Sounds torturous. And you bring up another good point: having biological kids with someone who is so challenging means their DNA is part of the package and there is a high risk you will be raising mini versions due to nature (as in your case) or nature + nurture if you stay with their father. It perpetuates the difficulties.
@@SK-no2pp No it is not normal.
If you are ok with being childless, then avoidant men are okay to have as romantic partners, but for women who want children, there is the risk of loss of childbearing and a flight risk. An avoidant man will have to do a lot of mitigate those two risks. In business, we usually have these flight risk guys pay a lot upfront to mitigate them being a flight risk.
If he wants to get married, he needs to pay for the wedding. It should be his money on the line rather than yours. Otherwise, he is likely to stand up at the wedding or leave right afterwards and waste all that you invested. I know you may want to get married to him badly, but you need to think long term about risks such as divorce and child support. If he is avoidant, divorce and becoming a single mom are real high risks. You also need to take into account that you will be on your own when sick or if you get cancer.
If you need much higher standards with an avoidant.
Anxious people attract avoidant people and trigger their avoidance even more. Goes both ways, obviously, so it's personal responsibility to work on ourselves and learn about the other person.
Wow dude, this is the one intelligent comment where you don't put all of the blame on the other person.
@raycarden7941 damn it's so sadly true ..but my next relationship is gonna be to a confidently attached person .. or that's what I'm trying to do
Totally agree problem is anxious are open to working through and getting help. Avoidants will tell you what you want to hear and shut down more. Just leave them it’s not worth the hassle
@@TheGalilee416 ….yep, those avoidant types are extremely skilled at avoiding accountability, avoiding personal responsibility and avoiding facing up to themselves in any way whatsoever. They seldom ‘do the work’, they just want everyone else to do it then they’ll be just fine.
@@cspace1234nz 💯
Give the avoidant all the space they want by walking away. You will be glad you did.
Why will you be glad you did?
@@AttachmentAdam For my own sanity. It's such a drastic push/pull with an avoidant.
He actually said that to me...." I can't give you what you want" I hugged him & said," you already did!!!"❤
Ditto… only ten years later after trying for 17 years I realized he could give me what I needed 5% of the time and the rest of the time I starved, living on crumbs just about destroyed me.
@KB-ih5gf yeah...he made me miserable but I came to realize he didn't have it in him to LOVE
I left after 2 years
Mine says that too. I’m like 😮but you do! But he comes up with excuses all the time. Why are they trying to protect themselves so much? They can’t be vulnerable?
@@KB-ih5gfugh 😢
I really like you and respect you.
I realize there are risks, but I think that if you and I work together, we can manage the risks. And then we can work to build something together and have a deeper connection that is more fulfilling for both of us.
Thank you for noting his words. Now I can see it as well as hear it. Much appreciated
God. If a woman actually told me that and I was sure she meant it... what a lovely fantasy.
Tried this and guess what it's been an 11 year shit show, 🙃 he will never love me, and I'm excepting that and have given up, I don't and can't keep up with his insanity, I finally told him do what ever you want I don't give a shit anymore, it's his problem not mine
@@staywellandstrong4199 It helps to have a script to study and maybe memorize, doesn’t it?
I'd like to point out that there are also healthy sources of dopamine like reading books, creating/consuming art or learning new skills.
True! I'm an information junkie and watch educational content (Like this) on double speed. I consider that a good dopamine binge. On the other hand, I have too strong an addiction to packaged desserts, and that's a dopamine binge I'm working on overcoming 😅
Okay but have you tried doing all of that on drugs? Makes it much more fun
@MayBlake_Channel I watch one while reading the transcript of another.
I'm a self aware avoidant with a non self aware avoidant and your video about avoidant women, and another one about intimacy with an avoidant allowed me to have the best sex of my life. I was hesitant about you at fisrt, but your videos and advice get results. I have learned more from your videos than all other love and dating coaches combined. Your courses are the only ones I would consider paying for.
Holy sh a self aware one
Teach the other Avoidants
Go forth!
Which is the video about intimacy with an avoidant please ? I can't find it on Adam's playlist. Thanks.
@@01jvb The two videos are-
1- How to make an avoidant man bond to you in the bedroom
2.- How to love an avoidant woman
The video you are looking for would be the first one.
Being that I am avoidant and also with an avoidant, both of the above videos helped me immensely.
I hope that helps you.
@@taylorbee4010 🤣
@@taylorbee4010 💯
Wow. This seems like a lot of work and catering. I mean, most of us have had hard times, trauma, and we have issues. But, if you try to stay with someone who's this damaged, and frankly, self-centered, you better be prepared to make your relationship your full time job. What about your real job, your family, your kids, maybe some time to take care of yourself once in a while? You'd have no time or energy for anything else!
if you don't think they're worth it, then don't. where problem?
In my experience, it's worth a try. If he's willing to meet some of your measurable goals you both might feel better. The few things I've tried with my avoidant partner have made me a believer.
@@changingwoman1494 good to know
I doesn't sound like a lot of time, it is just walking around on eggshells, which is hard. The issue I have is the risk of them leaving after investing in them. That flight risk is a big issue to me. If I'm investing in a company, I don't want them to take my money and run, which is really really common problem when you are dealing with men both in business and the dating world.
Its not worth it. Men are rarely worth it.
Anxious attachments' whole thing is to get lost in the emotion, buzz with the feelings. To have to get so technical so the the avoidant understands is a real passion killer
Yeah, my avoidant really liked me when I was numb and void of feeling. When I was in that state, being with him was just not enjoyable and sort of annoying. I thought do I need to live the life of a cold dead fish to get him to stay with me? It made it easier for me to leave and give him the space that he always wanted.
@@kaitlin8669 Sounds like it varies a lot. I'm avoidant but I think I'm anxious too, I tend to avoid people in general but the thought of a woman just touching my arm and looking in my eyes makes my heart melt. I haven't felt intimacy or affection non-platonically since I was just out of high school almost a decade ago. I get dreams sometimes, where a woman wholesomely expresses love and affection to me, like a guardian angel. Those dreams keep me going and make me feel like I'm not alone. I can say with certainty that if I finally find someone who has a big heart and is as empathetic as I am, I'd be opening up enough to lightly overwhelm myself but I'd probably lose myself in that joy and affection. It saddens me that some avoidant people are so far gone that they couldn't relate to what I'm saying though. I used to be kind of like that, I'd even straight up reject compliments because deep down I truly believed I would and could never deserve such kind treatment. I hated myself. But my found-family (close friends who healed me where my blood family failed miserably) basically saved me from a dark fate, and now I know what open honesty and positive vulnerability feel like.
Ugh, just thinking about being held or touched on the arm or shoulder, or any number of "basic" acts of affection make my heart melt. One day, I have hope... I just don't want to be used as an emotional piñata, like a doormat, or cheated on again, so I've been super hesitant to put myself out there ever since those things happened. But I've been working on it for 10 years and have been seeing really good progress. It makes me subtly excited.
Don't know why I shared so much here haha. My friends have been so busy that they barely ever reply back to anything I send until weeks later, so I guess it's because I've been feeling isolated and feel relief sharing this stuff with strangers. Haha. What a life.
@@kaitlin8669sounds like you're both better off but you're still so bitter? Sounds like you wasted your own time too, own up to that and ask yourself why you tolerate that behavior.
Omg thank you for actually knowing about neurotransmitters, high performance as an adult, CPTSD and bonding. I've learned so much about this but you've been very clear. It's been so hard to try to learn about love as a nearly middle aged woman who has done everything on my own. People ask me why I'm single and I don't even know how to begin to explain. It's always dysfunction junction. It's so much easier and less dangerous to be alone!
@@TheVejjo 💯
would love to hear more about how these avoidants can be "the most loving, nurturing and attentive ppl".
It's hard to imagine right now and I need the motivation to not break up with him right now.
When avoidants feel safe, secure, nurtured, and understood they outpour the love and intimacy that has been held back by their fear and mistrust of others. If you'd love to learn how to help your partner feel that way and become more secure, feel free to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com. I'd be happy to share more insights!
@@AttachmentAdam Just saw this. Thanks so much. I'm still not sure he is actually avoidant, but I will save the email provided for the future.
@@AttachmentAdam when avoidant woman feel safe and cared they just dump you to run after some drug addict.
Love is a mutual bond and choosing to put that person’s well being ahead of you in some ways but it is also receiving the same kind of care you need in return. One person giving everything will make that persons body and mental as well as emotional health suffer from loving someone who has stated that aren’t capable of loving you like you deserve. Accept that answer and let it go. Otherwise you’ll only think you had anxiety before meeting them because you’ll live in anxiety and constantly walk on egg shells trying to make that person like you and appreciate you. Stop that. That’s abuse. It’s each persons individual responsibility to do the work to help their self and as an empath, you can’t heal or save anyone unwilling to do the work for theirselves. If they aren’t participating in the relationship, do yourself and future children a huge favor and leave now. Otherwise you’re starting a generational curse of children never feeling like they are good enough to be loved and they will not be happy and will be anxious and people pleasers or recluses who have problems with relationships their whole life. Don’t think about what’s in it for you and pretend to be some great martyr for allowing someone to abuse you. You will lose every friend and family member as well. It is hurtful to watch someone you love allow others to treat them less than they are.
I've learned avoidants typically let their guard down when they stop caring what others think. When they stop taking everything personal and realize most people in their lives are just passing through, they tend to tell it how it is and become less secretive about their emotional state.
Great insight! Letting go of others' opinions can lead to greater emotional openness.
I got better with women once I stopped caring about what women thought about me. I never thought about what people thought about me unless I was physically attracted and then I would get in my head about it.
@@jonrazo7912 definitely the way to go. Being authentic and unapologetic will ALWAYS lead you to the right woman for YOU.
He has said on two occasions, “you make me feel so wanted and loved.”
The addictive thing about avoidance is most of them are giant piles of squish under all the coping mechanisms. They want love but don’t know how to ask.
Two occasions you say? That's something.
But does he make you feel loved?
@@LadyR5394 no one can make you feel loved. People can give you a dopamine hit, but love is a state of being
❤@@kayyy.beeeee6173
Toxicity is contagious. Run!!!
I've realized avoidants can be loved by an independent, "secure" & persistent approach.
Absolutely, a secure and persistent approach can work wonders with avoidants.
@AttachmentAdam what if we are 8 years on and off? She saved my life, and now I'm anxious attached and she's avoidant bc I failed emotional investment and volatility tests.
Now I'm being told "no contact" is the only way to not make her feel smothered. But your advise sounds different.
@@AttachmentAdam can you define the difference between persistence and clingy?
@@CorbinB-Rax I'm obviously not the expert here, but I am a woman, and if she's stuck around for 8 years with you, especially on and off... she clearly cares about you! If I were you, I would try being VERY open and honest with her, and asking her what she needs... if she won't tell you, keep asking... I often don't let anyone into how I feel about anything, and if they don't really really really try, I don't think they care, so I don't open up.
I wish you luck
@StrategicStripping thank you 😊 strategic stripping
i feel a little exposed here. i say that phrase" nobody is coming to save you" all the time. im definitely the guy you're describing.
so hypothetically, this explains why i am attracted to hippy free spirit women. even though we have very little in common/ not compatible with is because they relax me. 🤔
Fluffy unicorn here....I didn't understand when we first got together that he just wasn't use to the kind of love and intimacy required for a strong, committed, lasting relationship. When he would push me away, I'd cry and that would illicit sympathy from him....he'd be hugging me while I cried, not realizing his pushing me away was what caused the tears in the first place. The more I've been able to get better at communication, the more he has started to get on board, and I think we're slowly starting to build something we will both cherish in time to come. So glad there are people like you out there willing to share their knowledge with those of us who are in the dark. It can be so hurtful and confusing when your partner tells you that your intensity and your wanting to talk through problems makes them uncomfortable, and that they would prefer to just keep everything lighthearted, when there are so many other clues telling you that's bs, lol. He and I have both been very badly wounded by past relationships where love was betrayed and abuse occured, so I do get where he is coming from. It's a long slow process, but one that seems to be worth it.
I've had the same experience. Feels like I'm working miracles.
🤍🤍
I’m impressed that he was kind to you when you cried because he pushed you away, my ex was disgusted and horrified by my tears and told me tears were a sign of weakness and told me he wasn’t putting up with it and either asked me to leave or he left. I was devastated. When our counsellor told him tears were a sign of vulnerability and strength and that I only cried when I felt safe you could just feel the contempt for both of us dripping off him. He may have been narcissistic too. Hard to know where the line goes.
@KB-ih5gf he's done something similar to me in the past. I've managed to break through a little. He actually asked me how I am the other day. I was overjoyed. Feels like another step in the right direction.
Avoidant woman here, feeling very seen right now
I'm glad you found something relatable in the video. Remember, you're not alone, and there's always room for growth and understanding!
Get help.
Avoidant women love only themselves. Golddiggers.
Your avoidant partner would never put this much effort into understanding your needs 😢
Yes they will. You just can't smother them or demand it. ❤
Well said!
In my "How to Love an Avoidant Man" course, I delve into strategies to navigate these challenges and foster a healthier connection with your avoidant. If you're interested, you can learn more about it: adamlanesmith.com/attachment-courses/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/
I'm sorry that we're like this. Maybe introducing the attachment styles will be a good first step. I ruing the most important relationship to me and now my ex wife is marrying a amazing guy and starting their family.
I wish I had known that THIS was wrong with me. Its VERY easy for us to just label ourselves broken and not do any more work beyond that. I'm so sorry we're like this.
Avoidant partners are fine with you doing stuff for them to make their life easier, they couldn’t care less what you want/need.
Wow …. All sounds too much work ! And it still relies on them willing to participate! I just had to let mine go and wish him well . Time is precious and we cant get it back …. Too precious to waste on people who cant give back . They need professional help !
So true! And I hope young women see what you wrote and realize that they may not have as much time in their reproductive years as they think. Wasting time trying to fix a relationship with an avoidant who is not interested in working on healing may cost you the opportunity to have a family. It did me and I regret that very much.
Giving someone time you can never get back is so much more important for women who have fertility pressures and the whole aging dilemma. I had kids thankgoodness but have met a bunch of messed up people in the dating pool since getting divorced at 37yrs. And feel my last yrs of youthfulness wasted..
I missed the opportunity to have children as well. 😢
Same reason to never date single mothers or give them any time at all
@@coachcastle666 Yes, exactly. If you know you do NOT want children but you do want a serious long-term relationship/marriage in the near future, then spending time dating a single parent would be wasting your precious time to find a partner who matches your need and lifestyle/family make up desires.
Avoidants are VERY risk adverse. With some, I’ve been able to answer all the questions and mitigate risks. With others, it turns into a big feedback loop. Some avoidants are so concerned about risk, they will keep coming up with risk after risk. And no life decision is without risk. If you have most of the information (75% or more) and feel good over all, then we have to take a chance of faith. If someone needs to eliminate all the risk and have a situation be 100% risk free, it may be a loosing battle. We can end up wasting precious years of time with people who need all the risk eliminated all the time.
Sometimes I feel like I was anxious, pivoted to avoidant, then back to anxious.
@@taylorbee4010 fearful-avoidant, anxious-avoidant, disorganized, the name is a disorganized as the attatchment styke
"We can end up wasting precious years of time with people who need all the risk eliminated all the time." So true
I am a fearful leaning avoidant in love with a dismissive leaning avoidant and your content, Adam, has helped me to understand our dynamic SO much. I can not express enough gratitude and thanks. Even though my partner and I are no longer together, the clarity of what happened and why it went wrong has been very healing. And if him and I ever end up back together, I will know how to approach it in a more sustainable way. Thank you ❤
I'm on the opposite side. Da leaning in love with FA. We're also apart and all that was so cloudy for me makes great sense now. If only I had known that before. I hope you're doing well xx
@@sunbeam9222hey there, haha I'm an FA who unhealthy loved a DA 😂. We had a trauma bond. I'm doing shadow work and reading a lot about attachment styles. I'm on my way to unlearn all those behaviors I gathered from childhood and become secure. You shouldn't take your avoidant ex back unless he is willing to heal his wounds himself. I hope you find a secure partner for yourselves, best of success 🙌
Well... It seems the same traits ppl get chosen by an avoidant end up being the same reasons for their resentment. So, thier partners should just turn into robots and logically justify their status in their avoidant partners life. But they were "chosen" because they are warm, fuzzy and loving, they got that warmth avoidants really crave deep down. But to "earn" avoidants trust (trust they didn't break) they have to become someone else. Avoidants love is meat shop for unicorns hearts. Run the f... away if they refuse therapy.
Anxious don't run tho, they go on a marathon obsessing over avoidants even more and indulging into what they do best, dismiss themselves and over focus on someone else.
@@sunbeam9222 I believe in adressing the reality directly. A lot of our contemporary culture is focused on celebrating "avoidant" traits disregarding how strong relationships increase our chances of survival. Something that was evident througout history now needs to be repeated over and over. Anxious don't run because they keep doubting themselves because culture says one thing and they feel the other. They are right. Being alone sucks. Being alone and in a relationship sucks the most. You ain't crazy, this culture is.
Yep.. I did !!!
Holy heck - so many incredible insights, science, compassion, analogies (lone wolf) and incredibly useful information. You have a rare combo of brilliance and truly impactful advice. Thank you!
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad you find the content impactful. 🙏
Best description and analogy that helped me understand this much better after 3 years searching. THANK YOU
Happy to hear this resonates and that you found it helpful. You're most welcome.
SPOT ON!!! THIS IS ME LOL!!! AND WHAT I NEED.....planting seeds with my wife
Happy to hear this resonates and that you found it helpful! Which part stood out the most to you?
@@AttachmentAdam the whole chemistry explanation was very freeing. (i'm not so crazy) to know that i cant help it !? that doesnt mean i cant and wont change but i cant give myself more grace and mercy than i do with the negative self talk and start to heal. My wife is a nurse and when i showed her a couple of your vids she was able to understand me better. I feel bad that i have to be "that guy" that is difficult to deal with and have to be approached in a way I will receive but everyone is like that to some degree i guess... but you've defined for me why i am that way. I have shared with my wife that there was a lack of comprehension on my part as to what my responses "should be" somedays when she is being loving or kind to me and i dont know how to act. I didnt experience that in my childhood or my first marriage ( a marriage counselor said " I married my mother" ugh! ... so thank you for explaining that to bring me some peace and freedom... dave
I really love the way you explain things! You make things that don’t make sense make sense. You’re so good 👍
Thank you so much! I'm glad I can help make things clearer for you. 🙏
Im married to an avoidant and was watching so many videos to save my relationship. Im so glad I found your channel yesterday. It’s straight forward and simple to understand. Even for a non English speaker like me.
Please do a video on cheating and having casual sex. What makes them do that? Why he avoid sex with the spouse and go for casual relationships?
I'm so glad you're here too, and thank you so much for your wonderful feedback. Dopamine-seeking behavior, such as cheating, is unfortunately something that avoidantly attached people tend to do. I encourage you to continue watching this video series or playlist. Feel free to reach out if you have any other questions or need support.
Thank you Adam for yet another clear and humourous edition to our learning. The mire i listen, the more my communication style changes and like another commenter said; my relationships with everyone are improving because many peoppe i know have avoidant tendencies .... it explains SOOOOO MUCH about people!
I do have the patience and they are worth it.
Relationships and people are the most valuable assets we have 🙏
Thank you, Rayna! It's wonderful to hear that the content is improving your relationships. 🙏
This video is one of the best ones out there!
Thank you so much, I appreciate that! What makes you say that?
This is so scary accurate with my ex.
He feels like he has to do everything alone, and couldn't be a team player in the relationship (despite being together for over 2 years). Regardless, he said he could feel at peace with me, and felt calm for once.
No matter how much I reassured him, he ended up self-sabotaging the relationship by seeking external validation, and ultimately cheated.
That sounds really challenging. Self-sabotage can be difficult to navigate in relationships!
@@AttachmentAdam Very much so. I tried to work through it with him, but his self-hatred only worsened after his actions..
Okay WOW.... I'm definitely going to take your course, and can I just tell you I learn a LOT... a lot about a LOT... and I don't remember the last time my jaw hit the floor especially for as long as while watching this video. The chemical response they do and DON'T have or get, and how to help them get it... how fluffy unicorn love is confusing and they wonder what people want from them, omg that's so sad, but so understandable when you put it the way you do.........
I'm blown away by all of this... great analogies, very concise info, easy to understand, and incredibly insightful.... thank you!
lol when i would spend the day at my ex's place, he would occasionally come over to where i was sitting and wrap his arms around me. it always caught me so off guard and felt so weird and uncomfortable. like i could not wrap my mind around what was going on. i could never enjoy it, and i never thought about doing the same for him. your descriptions of avoidants are spot on, lol
Thanks for sharing your experience! It's amazing how accurately these descriptions can resonate!
Thank you, loved the way you explain it. I am trying to understand my friend to be able to meet his needs better.
I tried this, suggesting we could work toward a deeper connection. His response was that if it took any effort I wasn't the one for him.
That must have been really tough to hear. What do you think his response means for your relationship?
@@AttachmentAdam either he lost interest and used this as an excuse or he's afraid to be vulnerable enough to build emotional intimacy with someone thus sabotaging anything from becoming too serious.
Wow this was incredibly smart and insightful
Ive been watching these videos because of a friend. I realized its not healthy for me to date an avoidant... so instead ive kept the boundary of friendship. My friend has had the worst childhood neglect. I truly believe he is doing the best he can. Some people in my life loved me even when i was behaving avoidantly (im FA) because of their immense empathy. They have helped me heal. It was a huge sacrifice for them. And now i want to do the same for someone else even though its not easy. I'm being a safe non judgemental space for my friend while honoring my own needs.
You're on Fire with this Adam!
Succinct...Jam packed with Helpful How to's..
Delivered with Humour...
Pure Gold!
I don't have the funds for your course...so I'm v v grateful for the Awesome free content!
🌟🎉🙏🌈🙏🎉🌟
Thank you so much! I'm glad the content is helpful to you. If you ever have questions feel free to reach out!❤🙏
This guy is good, you have a new subscriber sir
Knowing about vasopressin bonding from your videos is really helpful.
Wow. This spot on describes me better than I could have. Thank you. I’m going to share it with my girlfriend.
I'm glad to hear that it resonated with you! Sharing this with your girlfriend can help open up valuable conversations. How do you think she'll respond to this?
hi adam, it would be really nice if you did videos about how to have friends with insecure attachment and how to navigate things, i have an avoidant friend and i dont really know how to get through to him sometimes, and showing him your content is imposible because he doesnt know english, still i try to aply everything i learn here, but its complicated since i have my own insecure attachment. thanks for the time and energy bro!!! love you!!!
Thank you for your video!
I do realize that not only I'm an avoidant man.
I'm also stuck into a counter-dependent energy (I don't need you or your love) which is the opposite from dependency and codepedency (the rescuer)
A good book about it is :
The Flight from Intimacy - Healing your relationship of counter-dependency
It's like walking on eggshells all the time. Wouldn't it be better for the avoidant person to have therapy?
The problem is that therapy could be counterproductive for avoidants because they have trouble sharing vulnerabilities and the fact that therapy isn't solution-focused. Of course, the ultimate goal is for both partners to become more secure.
What makes it feel like walking on eggshells?
@@AttachmentAdamCan I answer? At the hint of any talk of feelings, he goes into a freeze response.
You’ve helped me understand my avoidant ex so well. So much compassion to him even though I need to distance myself in no contact right now to heal. He gaslit me and was so defensive thought everything was an attack, couldn’t handle any emotion or work together as a team. He used to refer to himself as a “sea anemone” when it got “poked” it would close off and would take a while to open back up.
I see a lot of people say don’t waste your time with an avoidant. And maybe I can’t handle being with one… I love him and his kids so much but it is exhausting.
We’ve been reconnecting over text and have had to communicate due to a financial immeshment we’re untangling. But your videos have helped me communicate with him and he’s being flirty and bringing up some of his feelings and nostalgic moments and memories. I’m staying very strong and short and giving space. Honestly not sure if I want to get back together or not but the fantasy of the future I thought we could have together still has me holding on but I know it would be a lot of work and patience.
It sounds like you've gained a lot of insight and understanding from your experience, which is commendable. Navigating a relationship with an avoidant partner can be incredibly challenging, especially when there's a mix of love and frustration. What aspects would you want to work on if you were to decide to reconnect?
“One of the things they like to say is, ‘Nobody is going to come and save you,’ as if… anyone’s just sitting around waiting for someone to come save them.”
That part. It’s so easy for someone who’s avoiding feelings to dismiss others through judging them and justifying those judgments according to their own self limiting beliefs. It’s heartbreaking to watch. To love. Worth it though. Hope they feel that kind of peace, satisfaction and love for themselves in their lives anyway.
They’re so busy with that inner critic they miss what they’ve got in front of them, though. (The hypervigilant stories you’ve articulated).
ETA: 😂😂😂 I was raised this way and now everything makes sense including not stopping wanting to take care of everyone anyway. Salty Vikings avoiding tears is all. Learned my limits so I don’t deplete myself in the process & keep my fluffy unicorn love under all this Viking skin.
How about if he shuts down barely talks to you and doesn't respond for weeks or months how to have these conversations ?
Leave if he won't get help communicating. I stayed 20 years and the quietness is getting worse sadly.
Thanks for this video. You’ve helped me a lot today ❤
I'm so glad!❤
I've realised that I am an avoidant that gives unicorn love, but when I have had someone try to give that to me, it freaks me out and makes me run.
I feel weird about people trying to look out for me and give to me because I feel the fear of being beholden or having expectation of it happening again or people becoming attached to me, then causing me to get attached to them only to potentially let me down or betray me in the future.
I'm now in love with an avoidant and was trying to find research on how to approach them better, you've helped me to realise I'm more or less the same in terms of how I view the idea of receiving love!
It's great that you're gaining self-awareness. Understanding our own attachment styles is also a big step towards healthier relationships. I would recommend the How To Love An Avoidant Man video course (link attached in video description), as it offers all the information and strategies you need.
Hahahaha YES. This resonates and makes the most sense of any avoidant attachment video I’ve watched. And I literally laughed when you said we would be. Love the knowledge & humor mix. Straight forward and super helpful. Thank you. I’m 1000% fluffy unicorn lover. I now know I need to add in more risk assessment! He said to me “what do you want from me?? Why do you like me so much??” And to me, I was like the fuck do you mean?! I want it all! But THIS is the definition. He quite literally logically doesn’t have a puzzle piece to line that up with internally. Makes so much sense.
Thank you! I'm thrilled that it resonates with you. Humor can make learning about attachment styles more relatable!
Such an excellent explaination of the avoidant personality. Explains so much about myself that I didn't understand. The need for dopamine and collection of resources were parts of the picture that didn't make sense to me. My main source of oxytocin is from my dogs. They are fantastic at this, humans no so much. I've always loved adventure, and 15 years ago discovered the ultimate avoidant dopamine source; single-hand ocean sailing.
I ❤ this video!!! Thanks so much.
You are so welcome. I'm glad you found it helpful!
Thanks 4 this I will remember how risk averse they are when interacting
Very insightful video, you have a new set of eyes on you. I appreciated you noting what's going on at a neurotransmitter level, as a lot of videos don't do that.
Glad it was helpful!
Staying an avoidannt sounds like wallowing in past trauma and avoiding healing in any way. Everyone has childhood heart wounds. It's up to every individual to decide to go after healing. If they prefer to keep wallowing, Please leave other people alone! Just because you're drowning doesn’t give you the right to drown other people too.
Why would you seek healing when you have no idea you're wounded? I think what people don't understand is that it's a survival mechanism. We would not have survived without it, and someone trying to change that feels extremely dangerous.
I'm not saying they shouldn't heal, I'm just saying that I don't think people understand why they would never think they need healing, or that it's possible.
@@misschanandelerbong7946 if people you've allowed into your world, your children, ex's, and so on, have been telling you in many ways that you need help, you've hurt them, now you're alone, (again), but don't think you need help? Besides, we all are dealing with something that we need help with.
'just leave other ppl alone!'
dude what part of AVOIDANT PERSONALITY did u not comprehend?? YOU'RE the ones bothering US. Just leave US alone, the fucking fuck??
@@misschanandelerbong7946 its not that we dont wanna heal, its that i dont give ppl the benefit of the doubt anymore.
Huh. No one is asking you to drown. Do avoidants keep you locked in their basement? Take responsibility for your own actions mate and your reesentment will heal.
Thank you for this video.
~DA
Glad it was helpful ❤️
How exhausting.
As a woman with the history of being a avoidant, I can relate to some of this. I think one thing that is especially important to *women* who are avoidant, is just trusting that their autonomy is not going to be taken away. Independence is something that I think most women are more likely to have challenged than men. Of course I want love and intimacy, but the risk with love and intimacy is losing my autonomy. So I need to know that a person respects my independence before I get close to them. I am very fortunate to have that kind of love in my life. I would not consider myself an avoidant person now, because in my current situation I am very open intimacy and connection.
Don't worry you'll find yourself triggered by some anxious person one day
@@alanrodriguez210 oh dear, typical anxious type who cannot focus on themselves spreading hate on the very same type it's desperately attracted towards . Your comments against avoidants are all over the place my friend can you not see the irony 😂
Absolutely. We sound very similar. This is why I'll only date secure leaning avoidants. They are great at respecting my boundaries and vice versa. I've made the mistake of dating men who are not okay with me having my own life. I'd rather be single than lose my autonomy.
Oh thank you, thank you, I understand now! There is hope for me😌
Absolutely! You got this!
Be consistent. Be fair. Secure the intamacy bond. ❤
Absolutely! Consistency and fairness are key to maintaining a strong intimacy bond. ❤
Is their love language, yes that's it! Its working already Adam. Your advice works fast!
That's fantastic to hear! I'm so glad to know the advice is making a positive impact so quickly. What changes have you noticed so far?
@@AttachmentAdam Changes I've noticed so far are;
When I communicate in a more fact based manner and less emotional way, the seemingly avoidant people around me appear to instantly relax and become open to communicative exchange rather than an almost always defensive manner that I noticed prior and yet no amount of 'normal' relaxation techniques would work on these people (I'm a host by nature and profession so I genuinly want my guests to be comfortable, whether in my home or at an event).
With neurodivergance, trauma, attachments etc; we all respond differently to well, everything! The more we learn about each other; the better!
Since the algorithm appeared one of your videos to me; I immediately began to apply your recommended communication styles to my friends and associates and it works immediately! Yes it takes some effort but assuming part responsibility in helping these people open up is a key factor in repairing and building certain relationships that may have been deemed unworkable and yet necessary such as family, colleagues etc.
Thank you Adam, your work is immeasurable now but it will become measurable in time, I'm sure! 🙏
Thanks this video was helpful
Happy to hear that! Which part stood out the most to you?
So do you need to become their therapists...?
Thank you for what you do!
I'm happy to be of help. ❤🙏
Adam, I would love for you to talk to my estranged partner (also named Adam). You are so spot on. Thanks for helping me to understand him better.
I just started laughing at the exact same time you said you’re probably laughing !! 😂
I knew it! Haha
Did you find this video helpful? I'd love to hear your thoughts!
I had a crush on someone in college I believe had a dismissive avoidant personality from what I know now was severe childhood emotional trauma. Intermittently dated 3 years and gave up, couldn't do it anymore. I just shut off all contact. That was 40 years ago. I moved on but think about her all the time with "what if." I reached out en route to a reunion just to say hi. She briefly chatted then ghosted me. Some things never change.
It sounds like this unresolved connection has lingered with you for a long time. What can you do to move forward from this unresolved connection?
If you find yourself dwelling on the past excessively, please feel free to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com - I'd be happy to help!
This information needs to be talked about more. I am an avoidant style man and my last relationship fell apart because I was very upfront and honest in asking if there were things I need to improve or to give me feedback on aspects of myself so I could make an effort to do better. Sadly my partner did not understand this thinking and stated that I was asking for her to "police" my habits. I thought something was wrong with me and I had done or said something wrong towards her but after understanding my personality more it was just as simple as our compatibility not being as smooth as we thought.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It's commendable that you were proactive in seeking feedback and wanting to improve. What insights have you gained about yourself and what qualities are you looking for in future relationships to ensure better compatibility?
Great video for we avoidants, too!
You've got my attention! Wow, thanks for explaining how he sees things. I see so much of him and the things we've talked about in the behaviors and you described. My situation is a bit different in the sense that we have been in a relationship for several years before we separated and he wasn't like this for the first few years. Not sure what changed? He now says he's a different person (after being separated for just under 2 years and trying to put our relationship back together for 3) but I still see the man I love that used to love my fluffy unicorn love and even craved it! He even admits he's avoidant. But neither of us can untangle ourselves no matter what, we always gravitate back together. Def going to give this a try!
It sounds like you're really invested in understanding your relationship and making things work. Thinking back to those early years, what do you remember most about feeling emotionally connected with him? Was there a specific activity or way you communicated that fostered that closeness?
@@AttachmentAdam I am 1000%! He is my person, my best friend and the love of my life.
We just connected from the moment we met over 15 years ago. He was married, we lost touch for a while then I found out he was divorced and we reconnected. He was avoidant then as well, took me a year to get him to "date" me! We're like the male/female version of each other -except our attachment style! We share similar backgrounds and childhood traumas. Some of our best time were just getting into the car and heading out to see where we'd end up, always an adventure! We can sit in silence in each others' company or talk for hours on end about almost anything-except FEELINGS! I want to get it all out and discuss it and heal, he wants to hold it all in and let it fester.
We both want to be together again but he's so scared. Well, I am too but I'm willing to risk anything to be by his side.
We're too old for this roller coaster, we're late 50's/early 60's!
@@AttachmentAdam Uh oh, I think I screwed up. I got overthinking again and sent him a text saying I want to make it work and I'm willing to talk it out and work together with our own boundaries. If he wasn't willing to do this, I couldn't go on this way. That was almost 24 hours ago and I've gotten no response. Why can't I keep my mouth shut??????????????????
I'm listening to you with my mouth open.
Are you avoident or do you love someone avoident?
Thank you! Glad you're finding it engaging.
Congratulations!
Thank you!
I shared your videos with my avoidant partner. Will give update when he returns to me. 🙂
I’m afraid to do this, my ex is so defensive, and stonewalls as a habit. He sees everything as a threat and I’m tired of walking on eggshells. Did they acknowledge receipt?
@@sadiqua7 He sounds like a jerk…I know you love him..but outside of being avoidant is he a person that is always defensive and rude? Ask yourself if it’s worth it. My partner occasionally gets moody and I give him grace for that, no one is perfect but if he consistently is rude, disrespectful and oversteps my boundaries I will have a conversation about how I’m not going to tolerate it and I will leave. You seem like a beautiful, kind woman. Please make sure you are willing to tolerate completely shitty behavior. There is a fine line between simply being avoidant and being an avoidant sh_thead.
Find a secure man. Let the avoidant learn on his own.
I just realized I have an avoidant attachment style because this is so what I need 😂
Thanks so mvch this helps so much
I'm so glad! Which part was the most helpful?
There is no right or wrong answer here. Everyone has their own unique set of circumstances. While I agree, sacrificing yourself to save someone else can be destructive, there are certain circumstances where it’s worth the fight to fix a situation. It’s important we use our discernment to weigh the pros and cons of each situation before making the decision on when to cut our losses. Definitely a tough call which is up to us individually. Adam’s advice was eye opening for me and tactics are easy enough to try if you have a partner who is open and willing to change. Let’s stay positive everyone!!! ❤😅
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It's true that every situation is unique, and using discernment is crucial. I'm glad to hear that my advice has been eye-opening for you. What specific tactics have you found most effective in your relationship?
great video
Thank you! What was the most helpful part in your opinion?
I am dating an avoidant long distance and don't know how to bond with him being so far away. I am also avoidant but have been working on myself and am becoming more secure over time. There are times when I feel like we have some head way in our relationship building but he has said the distance is an issue because he feels he needs to be physically near being able to spend more time in person and have quality time. Your videos really help thank you. If you have any tips on long distance relationship building that would be really appreciated.
Professional love, I call it. Totally understand this and I like it. My type of love. Like doing a contract.
Love that!
OMG All of this time, I've been sharing my Smiths playlist with my ex avoidant.
Perfect!
Gosh, it’s so draining just to listen to this such powerful words, but it seems like I’m doomed in my relationship.. he is DA and makes sense. He doesn’t know how to take care of anybody and I feel like I’ll never be taken care of as a woman, but I get so many mixed signals where I need to be a mother to him and he expects it for me to initiate everything with him, but only certain times. Texting is horrible 34 hour delay when I ask him if he wants to hang out and I get so sad because he feels like it’s OK to text hours later when we were supposed to meet up to insert a couple of white lies because he would rather play video games and no, it’s not right…. Very draining! As he pours his love to his son that disrespects him and I’ve been with him for five years and just standing around waiting for that cup of love! So crazy
Thank you so much h for the insight!!😮❤
I know loving an avoidant is challenging,..to say little. I know it is a better investment of my energy to work in my anxious tendencies. Yet I continue finding myself wasting my time again and again. It is hard enough to work in my own improvements. But I am committed to myself.
Your commitment to doing the work will definitely show up in the people you attract into your life. Keep going and know that it's worth it. What strategies have you been using or doing to become more secure?
@@AttachmentAdamI gladly answer your question. I stopped chasing long ago. I changed my routines to invest time in me with myself alone, so I am back in school now, I date myself to find new places, enjoy new things, read new books. I spent more quality time with family. Spare time to think in all things I allowed that are unhealthy and unfair, and yes, I sometimes cry. I had the chance to tell my ex all of my thoughts about him, he was patient to listen for months after the breakup,... I earned that right. He still calls for important dates and we talk. I took long long therapy and it helped A LOT. I now study every new man in my life for long time. I am anxious in my core, and I will always be, but I learned to become selectively dismissive, and selectively avoidant. I had to dismiss some so far. Life has lost a bit of color because of that, but my mental health is doing good. I hope this summary helps others trapped in hell. There is life and peace in solitude, as long as you are friendly and active. Self love is the most important priority, and finding a good person is not easy.
@@AttachmentAdam oooppps. I amswered but somehow my brilliant response is lost... I cannot find it. In a nutshell I've said I am focused in me, my healing and my growth. I forgive myself and him, we are not friends but I can get along if needed, took great amd long therapy, and I learned to become selective. I am still anxious but learned to manage it.
The intro to this video just read me my rights😮💗💗🌸🌸🙏🏾
Haha, love that ❤️ I'm glad you enjoyed it!
TY
What happens when you have two avoidant people trying to have a connection? 🤔
A push ~ pull energy?
They probably just pass each other like two ships in the night.
Thanks speaking from the scientific perspective of it made me understand what’s really going on a lot better ❤
You're welcome! Using a scientific lens to explore attachment styles can be incredibly helpful in removing the blame and shame and helps us understand the underlying reasons behind behaviors, don't you agree?
@@AttachmentAdam true. Especially if anyone has a background in science, they know this is no joke or easy for them to change it.
Going through school of life this year… I might walk alone but there is a Viking observing, protecting for sure… I might not walk alone?
Thank you
You think its your lone wolf personality, you think you have to man up.
Its trauma.
Youve been lied to and lernt to live like this.
There is another life.
Thanks for yoir work, fantwstic videos and a lot of knowledge straight from the heart.
Absolutely. Thank you for your feedback and support.
I know what I crave, getting it is the problem.
It's great that you're aware of your needs. Why is it a problem?
@@AttachmentAdam Intellectually understanding something and doing something are very different things. Taking it out of attachment styles, look at students in school. Most students understand the importance of education, they will say all the right things, and they still won't do their homework or study. Because in the moment, they will still do the wrong thing. They may even feel guilty about it, but they still do it. Breaking any type of pattern is hard.
i like that you integrate a lot of scientific data in your videos...
Yes because hes a trained mental health professional
You are speaking to me, I had all these things too…
I really need this course you’ve created 🙏🏼 He called me crazy the other day. I’m crazy alright, crazy for him. 💎
I'm so glad you find the course helpful! Your passion shines through. ❤🙏
Yes, this resonates so much! I'm very much a rely-on-only-myself "warrior" and "fluffy unicorn love" DISGUSTS me! I'm always complaining to my husband about all the annoying, gross influencers who give their "positive affirmation participation trophies" 🤮
I actually kind of like it when my husband gives me "unicorn fluff" and I feel like he doesn't give enough of it to me (he's trying and I'm grateful), which can make me want to pull away and be distant. But on other people, fluffiness is gross.
It's great that your husband is trying, and your honesty about your feelings is important. Everyone has different needs for affection.
@@AttachmentAdam Indeed! Thank you for your content!
7:36 logical and upfront confrontation for intimacy. And Ally who came to work with him and ask for input 10:07 you need to make things clear w them, so that they don’t feel pressure and at risk. Over communication.
10:52 addressing needs once they come up, they do have needs even tho they don’t think they do.
12:20 double analysis of issues ❤
Speak slow
13:45 logical, this is the issue I can do this and you can do this, let’s try it. ❤
Thank you for taking the time to write these out!
This is the most accurate description of my ex bf. When i finally had enough of him, i really thought he was insane and broke up with him. For me love and intimacy comes so easy and natural. After i learned about his issues in therapy, i really felt sorry for him. I realised how lucky i am that i had great loving parents, and that's the only difference that makes me feel good and he is struggling so bad, in a never ending search of things and activities, to make him feel something.. so sad
That's a very mature perspective you have on your ex. It sounds like you've gained valuable insights about attachment styles and their impact on relationships. It's also great that you recognize the positive impact of your own upbringing.
Have you considered creating a list of "must-haves" in a future partner to ensure better compatibility?
With my husband, he always said that my hugs and kisses in the morning wasn’t real that I was in mania stage of my adhd, now I get it!!
Happy to hear this helped you gain some clarity and understanding. How are you going to move forward with this new insight?