Do Avoidants Care When You're Gone?
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- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
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Do Avoidant People Care When You're Gone?
Have you ever wondered if your avoidant ex-partner misses you as much as you miss them? If you're dealing with heartache, confusion, or just seeking closure, this video is for you. Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist, dives deep into the minds of avoidantly attached individuals to help you understand their behavior, especially after a breakup.
In this video, we cover:
-Do avoidant people care when you are gone?
-When and why avoidant partners might start to miss you.
-The core wound of avoidant attachment and how it shapes their behavior.
-Common thoughts and behaviors of avoidantly attached individuals during and after a relationship.
-Practical advice on responding if an avoidant partner reaches out to you again.
-Strategies for building healthy relationships, even with avoidant partners.
Key Points Discussed:
-Understanding Avoidant Attachment: Learn about the core wound of avoidant attachment and how it influences their relationships.
-The Breakup Dynamics: Discover what avoidant individuals think during and after a breakup.
-Avoidant Behavior Explained: Gain insight into the common phrases and behaviors of avoidant partners and why they act this way.
-Moving On and Finding Peace: How understanding avoidant attachment can help you find closure and move forward.
-Reconnecting with Avoidant Partners: Tips on how to navigate a potential reconciliation and when it might be worth it.
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give this video on avoidant attachment a watch: • Can Avoidant Men ever ...
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - Do Avoidant People Care When You Are Gone?
00:02:23 - Understanding Avoidant Behavior
00:04:38 - The Survival Adaptation of Taking Care of a Woman's Feelings
00:06:51 - Risk-obsessed and Avoidant Behavior
00:09:25 - Understanding Avoidant Men/Women and Their Actions
00:11:54 - How Avoidant People Handle Letting Others Down
00:14:23 - The Stalking Behavior and Circling Back
00:16:46 - Asking the Hard Questions in Relationships
00:19:05 - Building a Connection with Your Partner
00:21:21 - Your Current Location
When they don’t communicate their feelings and break up with you out of nowhere, it feels like the whole relationship didn’t matter to them.
Yes!! My husband said he wasn’t happy for 2 yrs. And didn’t know how to tell me. 2 YEARS!!! And I’m like what?? When he told me he wanted a divorce.
Feeling like the relationship didn't matter is incredibly painful. Communication and mutual understanding are so crucial in any relationship.
@@user-uj1nt8bz4m I’m sorry that he told you that. It isn’t fair to you. My girlfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me at the beginning of April and said she lied to herself for the last year. It seems like she still has feelings sometimes but then tells me she doesn’t. We went no contact for pretty much h two months and I just asked her to hangout and catch up and she said she isn’t ready so I guess it’s back to no contact 💀
@@AttachmentAdam how can I attract him back? Is it possible? I think this is a mid life crisis. Is there anything I can do?
It did matter, avoidants just have an incredibly difficult time with feeling and expressing real pozitive emotions,and deep connection. And the moment we feel demand for connection, intimacy we close off or run. We’ve been fucked up in childhood. Geared to be a soldier or some hardcore survivalist.
Currently detoxing and recovering. I can’t believe the levels I stooped to to try and keep him around. I’m somewhat ashamed. I wasn’t myself and I’m regaining my power, boundaries and self-awareness. You’ve helped me tremendously.
I totally understand. I put up with more than I should have.
You're not alone. I only recently realised how much pain I was still carrying from our relationship, realising I wasn't loving and respecting myself, putting up with all that my FA put me through
Not just you!!!!! Trust me. Soul seller here on an avoidant female
You're not alone... There are times where i am even ashamed to talk to my friends about some things i put up with during the relationship. I was blind and i was not myself... there were many times i should have run without looking back but i always either forgave him or apologized for overreacting😣
i hear this! i've regressed into some driveled, tortured boy crazy teenager again. all my personal development work feels futile now!
He is a Dissmissive Avoidant. After 3 years of relationship and 5 years being in love with him ... we were planning an overdue vacation together ..he ghosted me.For 3 months .I did not tried to reach out. I was just focused on healing and moving on. Couple days ago he reached out : hi , how are you?as if he never discarded me and disappeared...as if yesterday we were talking..i was speechless. I answered 19 hours later . I said : Hi, i am doing good.thank you...i knew from the bottom of my heart that i ve just disconnected from him and forever. It did not hurt. It felt alright. when I woke up the next morning. I was not in love with him anymore. Beautiful people, listen, Avoidants don't give closureThey disappearance, them ghosting you....is the closure you need.Never settle for the toxic love.
Thank you, I needed to hear this.
Typical avoidant behaviour. Glad you are focusing on yourself. Make yourself the priority. 💗
Thanks for sharing your story. So similar. They just emotionally disappear. It's amazing. I'm in the no-contact phase right now. We dated on/off for 2 years, were engaged, as soon as I dropped 35k on all the rings she decided she didn't want to get married. Sound familiar? The closer you get, the scarier it is for them, and they run away. I'm not falling for JMS any more. Terrible relationship, little fun, I was alone for most of the time...and she seemed good with it all. Run and keep your sanity.
On this point right now.. he triggered my hurt, discarded, dismissed, ignored, deflected, stonewalled, breadcrumbed.. i always wanted to make it work.. he called everyday. Now it's quiet. I try my best to not reach out but it's like i'm in rehab.. i want to let him go completely but it's also hurtful they can move on so easy and forget you.
I went on a cruise with my DA and he was very cold to me the entire time. I never felt so alone. Once back at home, he behaved much better.
Around the time they realize you aren’t hurting anymore they’ll come back to destroy you again.
Some of them do, this is true. Avoidant people with low insight and who utilize more manipulation tactics will often act this way.
That's plain evil imo. Abusive
Those are most likely narcissists, not just avoidant...❤
Mine comes around for s x & money. He laughs when people call me his sugar mama. But that’s exactly what I am. It’s ridiculous. I’ve got to walk away. Why is this so hard?
@@TheTexasDixie it’s so hard because you are afraid noone else would want you otherwise. If you manage to believe you are good enough for a better man (goes without saying), it would be easy. What helps me to face my fears is to picture a day after my fear comes true and realise the life goes on without him/her/it…
Turning down $1,000 oxytocin for $1 dopamine 😅
Yeah, that’s exactly it!
The oxytocin vs. dopamine analogy really hits home!🔥
@@AttachmentAdam it really does. I never understood why he avoided me because I seemed to be a good thing to him. Now I think I am maybe too good of a thing for him to be able to process.
@@sanschmidt5457 it could be also giving something they don't value and not providing them with rollercoaster romance they want
You're lucky if they even tell you anything when they break up with you. You're more likely to get ghosted and discarded without a word
Ghosting can be incredibly hurtful and frustrating. Communication is so important in any relationship!
I pushed my ex to talk to Me after ghosting
I told Him it’s was terribly unfair and He owed it to Me to help Me understand
He tried to avoid it
I wasn’t nasty but kept saying it’s only fair We talk
He called
The first time when he found another woman ( he became single but didn't choose me and continued to search during our situationship) he sent me an audio message where he discarded me with absolute coldness. He came back after a week as if It has been a joke. We stay in contact another year of on and off but the off didn't last more than 4 days and usually he had some sort of communication via phone. Now we met Sunday and he disappeared. 😢
Yeah that’s what happened to me. 6 months of pure bliss And then poof. She ghosted without a word
@@AttachmentAdam I just blocked his phone & FB. I’m going to be in charge of this breakup. I’m done. So pissed off about being stood up repeatedly. Never in my life have I dealt with this BS. I just can’t continue being abused. I’ve had enough.
I've read thru the comments and they pretty much mirror my experience. The first 8 months of pure love and connection, he's into me. Then finds a crazy reason to break up. Give him the breakup, no contact, a month later, he's back. Then the breadcrumbs to make sure Im still available. Then, a little stalking. Then I find out he's seeing someone. Then a month later, he's back to breadcrumbs. I'm over it. I want to get back to sanity. I wasn’t anxious before now and never an issue walking away. This whole experience has a stronghold on me and Im trying to find my way out.
I'm really sorry to hear about your experience. It sounds incredibly tough and emotionally draining. Recognizing that you want to regain your sanity and find your way out is a huge step forward. Remember, prioritizing your well-being is essential. You deserve peace and genuine connection.
Hugs 🫂 to you
@cynnamongyrl7253: I’ve been there. The cycle you described happed suddenly after 6-7 months. Then he said what the doctor says @3:03-3:45. I just could not talk it through with him when asking what was going on and why he felt that way. I/we deserve to live personal lives with courtesy, peace and dignity.
@@herserenehighnessm This is, by far one of the hardest things I've gone thru. The breadcrumbs are what really get me. He comes back, love bombs me, says he wants to work it out, then disappears. Strange dynamic.
I changed my phone number and he doesn't have social media so that's how I had to handle it with my DA situationship and it hurts like hell still after 5 weeks
When I read all the comments it seems to me that they are disappearing while they are investing in another relationship. They return when the other relationship doesn’t work out. They don’t tell you where they really were because then you wouldn’t take them back.
I just had to break up with my avoidant over text a few hours ago. I poured my heart out so many times and just wanted to heal together. I didn’t even want to do it over text but I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday, I kept fighting for hope that he would put in the effort and we could heal side by side. I just wanted the best for him and us but the coldness and the stonewalling and not being able to just spend time with or speak to my boyfriend if I wanted to was killing my soul, I can’t even describe the pain. I was so secure before we met and I don’t even recognize myself anymore, that’s what drove me to finally end it, I’m not even acting like myself and he’s acting like I’m crazy. I was just reacting to mistreatment and I held my tongue or let myself calm down before reacting sooooooo many times he has no idea.
So sorry to hear about the loss of your relationship 😢 I’m generally secure too and being stonewalled repeatedly makes me very anxious too. I’ve had to just block and remove for my peace.
I feel you, i broke up with mine today. I just feel so drained. Is it so much to ask to just come together in the evening, talk about your day, give each other support and advice. Im not needy, i want him to have his hobbies, his time alone. I dont blow up his phone or freak out when he doesnt text back, he doesnt need to regulate my emotions, but my god i practically had to beg for him to spend some time with me. Seeing each other once a week (if im lucky) for a couple of hours is just not enough
He did you a favor! Find someone healthy! They’re out there! You want someone who brings out the best in you, not someone that makes you crazy. Been there!
The best thing to do is to have a LOT of your own activities outside of the relationship. You will have fun, think less about him, and perhaps meet someone more suitable for you. Think of it as going on your own adventures. They don't have to be romantic. They just have to be things you enjoy doing, and people you like to spend a little time with. No stress. :)
Been there, done that. Good for you for breaking it off! I couldn’t do it. He ended up breaking up with me because I missed him and he didn’t miss me. Severe DA. Still recovering from the hurt.
For those of you coming to these videos looking for an answer on how to make it make sense or to repair the lost relationship with an avoidant, here's your answer: There is no answer. The universe taught you a tremendous lesson, you've got a bunch of stuff to work on because you allowed yourself to get into this situation in the first place. This is about you, not the avoidant. If you learn this lesson and do the work, you'll find that the other end of the tunnel is pretty awesome. If you don't, then the universe will throw this lesson at you again and again, but each time it gets worse.
You don't try to understand/work with or reform an avoidant. You recognize who they are and you walk away. Never get involved with them in the first place. They are very broken people and will only drag you down into their chaos. These people have to work on themselves, 90% never will, that's their journey, not yours.
@@marcd2743 perfectly said. I just blocked mine. For ME. I’m so much better than this. I refuse to deal with his BS one more minute. I gave him everything for 7 months. Hello, that is all he gets. I turn 58 tomorrow. Looking at this as a fresh start. A new beginning. He can’t use me and abuse me ever again!!! I’m living for me now. I’m not wasting anymore time and money and energy on this dude. It’s been so ridiculous I can’t even believe it happened. I blocked him, deleted all his pictures. I’m so done. He lives in a world I refuse to entertain. Nope. Last time he hurts me. No more opportunity. Cuz I can’t hear his BS. Nope. I’m done with the game.
The thing os that at that time I didn't even understand what I was getting into. I got the test first and the lesson later.
@@lemmesay That's how it feels at the time but that's where the work comes in. If you start taking a look at your past, you'll most likely see you were confronted with much lighter versions of the same situation. They didn't register because there wasn't enough pain. That's the cyclic nature of these lessons. Every time they pass by and are ignored, they gain momentum on the next revolution. You finally hit a turn that enough pain was caused so you couldn't ignore it.
I disagree, they hide it so well, there is little room to understand the situation unless you have a Dr degree in attachment styles.
@@marcd2743 it's amazing they are like this, this chaotic... And they make it seems like it's you the one!! But it's them.
I know pretty much everyone in the comments thinks we are subhuman monsters but for the ppl that really want to try and understand us, ill elaborate on his points in a slightly more humanizing manner and give you answers that honestly might offer better insight if you have or had an avoidant partner you love. Firstly we do care, we care about everything and everything hurts.we will probably never admit to anyone openly that we are damaged in a way we don't understand and can't cope with. So we naturally run. When we fall in love with ppl the first few months or month might be okay because we so desperately crave love but eventually the fear of vulnerability and the pain of being hurt become exponentially overwhelming. We do analyze risk, but unforetunately there is nearly 0 optimism involved. We just see a devastatingly painful end and someone that we loved gone. We OBSESS over these thoughts constantly. We see them in everything, every argument, every interaction we are anticipating the end. This is especially true if you are an anxious avoidant and you are overwhelming us with your emotions. We are so poor at regulating the duality of our own emotions that sometimes just smiling hurts. Just being present hurts. Everything hurts and we are constantly on edge and anxious and we never trust, even when presented with good reason to trust people, we are indeed lone wolves. I know outwardly we appear angry and mean but its one of our ways of running. Eventually we shut down and separate, recede into our own morbid world where everything is bad. And from that point on, we have tunnel vision. We constantly think of the end, we think of all the bad things and we want nothing more than to run. We lose sight of ourselves and our partners in the process. We eventually turn whatever love we had into this insatiable urge to run, to disappear and be free. And the more we loved our partner the stronger this urge is. We will try to get over you while with you so that when we fail, and we're finished, the hurt isn't impossible to bear. Running is the only solution that makes sense to us because we suck at productive confrontation. It's hard for us to handle any rejection or emotions that are negative. And we aren't insecure narcissists trying to ruin ppl, we're just hyper sensitive, afraid, and obsessed with those fears. Id even argue anxious and avoidant styles are nearly identical in causality. We both fear the same things, however, avoidants disappear while anxiously attached ppl try to build even more emotional connection. But trust and believe, if we ever really loved you, we hurt, and we cry, we just will never let anyone see. We will tell you any lie to get you to not prod about our emotions and the true pain we feel. We will smile until we cant anymore and when we do run away from people it was often a coping mechanism we planned on resorting to when things became too overwhelming for us. Now obviously for different men, there will be different levels to the extent that we express these qualities but im nearly certain that all avoidants are suffering from some kind of pain they are afraid to share, and we refuse to open up. However that doesnt excuse what we do, and some avoidants are just remorseless and selfish as a lot of people are. But a lot of us are not. I didn't even realize I was this broken until I left the woman I loved and hurt her in the process. Because I refused to listen to her, I refused to change, because all I could see was darkness in the tunnel I was in. But I did love her, I protected her physically and emotionally from everyone, I celebrated her victories with her, I held her when she cried, I was a good listener and I tried to teach her new things. I cooked with her, cleaned with her, watched movies and laughed with her, I tried to be open and even tho she was I took all my emotions and buried them. sometimes no matter how much I laughed I never let her see the whole laugh. I never let her see my real tears or have my real heart and I tried so hard and I could not. I often would do things to stifle my own love so I didnt look too emotional, if she gave me a gift I struggled to take it, tho I could give them, I often made them by hand so she knew I put in effort, or I bought things I knew she loved like cool jewelry or clothes. I made her songs. But id never tell her how much i loved her, just a faint smile and a hug and a kiss. I never verbally communicated too much love. We had sex but never made love. Sometimes I said mean awful things if I felt rejected or hurt because I thought that was a good way to protect myself. And I was so hurt I didn't see that I protected her from everyone but myself. And damn was she also a broken but amazing woman and we had a lot of external issue but I digress, we are not these evil master manipulators and the only real lies some of us tell you is how little we care. When it's the opposite. But we'd rather lose our own loves, than deal with the torment of being in love. If your avoidant did love you, if he did show you he cared, in all the ways he could, he definitely loved you, and he hurt. Some of you may have had much worse avoidants that were able to fully make themselves fall out of caring about u before u even had a real relationship and some of them may have never displayed a signal emotion to you. Whatever the range avoidants are human. And on their behalf I apologize because they may never tell you. We run, and we run, and we run. I'm sorry. And I hope even the little insight I could give helps you recover. I can't undo the damage I've done to who I loved. But maybe I can help someone else
Oh and awesome channel, it has helped me learned a lot about myself!
❤
@hconn628 so basically you loved her, but you never express things emotionally.. you hide your feelings? Before her was it common for you to not have sex at all or just have casual flings with no feelings involved? Curious.
I always thought when my avoidant ran away he was running into situationships for a dopamine hit?
@@hconn628: is never too late, if you really loved her and now, that you are aware of your impact and lack of engagement, you can propose to her to try again, and this time express yourself in sharing how you feel, trust your partner that will be there for you, love is the most powerful force in the universe, couples that resist through time are the couples that know how to repair after the fight, meaning they keep talking, do no give up on the connection, just talk. Avoidants are very capable of rationalizing their emotions and talk with reason, do that, talk what is on your mind until all fear is gone, you can do that! Just talk!
I just don’t understand why you suffer, make people around suffer, but you people don’t try to heal, double down on therapy, books, at least something. I just don’t get it….
Maybe they aren’t bad people but they’re absolutely harmful to the person who’s in the relationship with them. Even if it means single hood, choose yourself over trying to have a relationship with an avoidant. It is one of the most frustrating, angering and extremely painful experiences you can have.
You are right about that however, some people deserve that we can go the extra mile for them
The "vending machines think $1000 bills are garbage" analogy is great. Good video. I'm mostly watching this to understand the behavior of an avoidant/disorganized friend.
Thank you for watching and finding the analogy helpful! Understanding the behaviors of avoidant or disorganized individuals can indeed shed light on challenging relationships. It's great that you're seeking insight to support your friend. Communication and empathy can go a long way in navigating such dynamics.
As an avoidant, I got smashed by your videos. You connected so many pieces of puzzle in my head. 2 months after a very difficult breakup, can’t even describe how harsh it is to realize that my brain chemistry is fucking up my life. Reading the comments also hits like a ton of bricks how the 75% of people have no clue what are we really going through. I’m glad they don’t get it really. Being an avoidant sucks BIG time. I don’t even know how to start changing my brain totally, or if it’s even possible.
I appreciate your honesty about your experience as an avoidant. It's not easy to confront the impact of our brain chemistry on relationships. Change is possible, and seeking support can be a great step forward. You're not alone in this journe, feel free to reach out for guidance support@adamlanesmith.com
Thanks for sharing this. I wondered. And yes, there is a solution. Have you checked Adams course? He explains well how to hormonally and behaviourally you can change without losing your edge. It sounds reliable and he has many success stories. Psychologists approve of his system, it’s a super smart combination of models that are scientifically proven to work.
I’m any case. I lost my anxious burdens thanks to an avoidant, after being shaped one by avoidants …
I wish you good luck and if you believe in wanting to change you won’t even need it… for me overcoming foa was super hard but somehow I am so much more settled and peaceful… it is possible!
You are one of the few who actually want to transform something. Many avoidants just keep hurting others.
I'm with you, Bro! It's a rough and time consuming journey but I really think getting better is possible (I'm ethical avoidant)
@@beatricebliss9379 I just couldn’t get her intense emotions, and when honeymoon was over I started to meet her emotional needs less and less. I think when an avoidant is in love, they’re just about like normal people. When out of love phase, and she starts to expect more, I felt overwhelmed, triggered to distance myself emotionally. She panicked started to act more and more desperate, me more and more triggered and withdrawn, shut down and in pain, and misunderstood.We planned our life together, but it just fell apart , we drained ourselves and she left me. I never wanted to hurt any of my gfs, never cheated barely initiated breakup, just withdrawing when pressured. This alone caused so much hurt and misunderstanding, that now that I have the whole puzzle together, I want to change my deepest brain settings.
He pulled away from me, a mostly secure good partner of four yesrs, after expressing deep feelings.. He monkey branched to a victim of emotional abuse. He wanted to keep me as a friend. I declined and let him go without tears or drama.Never again. Sad. I am healing and moving forward.
Good for, take care of yourself
It sounds like you've handled a difficult situation with a lot of grace and strength. How are you focusing on your own healing and growth as you move forward?
I'm so sorry. Good on you for respecting yourself and declining the friendship. It's nearly impossible to be friends with someone you have or had feelings for.
Avoidant doesn’t care since all situationships are very superficial. Avoidant already burned the emotions before he felt the emotions.
It's tough when emotions aren't reciprocated or understood. Healing and regaining your own emotional balance are crucial steps. Take care of yourself.
I think I'm avoidant, I reject people and then I miss them 🙂
What would make u go back or reach out?
Who has time for that? They have to realize they’re not healthy at some point!
I realized after break up. So I guess there's no way during the relationship. Because from our perspective everything is going well and never realize what the partner is going through
That part
Avoiders avoid that there is a problem, I suspect…
Thanks for sharing… and avoidants as well as anxious folks are just stuck and should could would change if they put in the efforts … it’s worth it. For me it’s so interesting to learn about me and avoidant leaning behavior. Thanks a mill.
@@MarionFiedlerMusicI also feel avoidants are more inclined to just brush off or compartmentalize experiences which might not lead them to really look at themselves deeply in the mirror. Whereas anxious people are on the opposite side of things and maybe overly analyze their roles and spiral into self perception
I was with an avoident person for 9 yrs waiting for him to change. He was hot and cold. I never knew where I stood with him. He never wanted to talk about feelings. It was very cruel, and I couldn't understand why he would disappear and then come back with no explanation or apology. He even said he didn't know why he does what he does & wish he knew why because he really cared about me. I just couldn't handle the hurt. disappointment anymore and had to stop. He still will send me random pictures of himself, food ,
pictures of me without giving me a reason.
Listening to you helps me understand him better, but I see no hope from him. I see no change. 9 yrs of my life was enough!
I'm so sorry! and considering the 9 years, you apparently have been dealing with a lot of things, let me help you with that if you need and email ma at support@adamlanesmith.com
I'm so sorry! and considering the 9 years, you apparently have been dealing with a lot of things, let me help you with that if you need and email ma at support@adamlanesmith.com
Avoidants lack self awareness, and worse….they are afraid to look within. Deep shame.
The universe put you in this position cause you need to work on yourself better! You and also me allowed ourselfes to get into this situation and to get attached.
I noticed you used the word cruel. It’s a word that has come up often when reading my old journal entries. It’s also a word I found out later that his ex used to describe him.
This is what we should be promoting instead of toxic red pill alpha stupidity
Thank you for this comment!!! My 8 yr relationship ended because my BF got brain washed by the RED PILL SHIT!!! He was already Avoident and treated me like he'll, but once he became MGTOW, I was his personal punching bag for him to take all his women issues on. We broke up 21 days ago
Absolutely, promoting healthy and respectful relationships is crucial. Toxic ideologies only perpetuate pain and misunderstanding. Thanks for your support!
@@Bishop1615 Mgtow isn't the same as the red pill, mgtow is men who are walking away from women and society. The red pill is men who still date and interact with women but also view women as carbon copies of eachother.
do you feel the same towards feminism? Or is it only mgtow since it hurts your personal "feelings" too much?
@@stefanmatton8778 I already know the answer.
Feminism/ misandry = perfectly fine
Misogyny = worse than hell itself.
I just realized there will never be any relationship with an emotionally unstable or unavailable person. You were right, 7 months!! Our marriage license is still valid today and he’s acting like he never knew me and he can’t wait to go back to his reclusive life!! There is no life with a robot!
It's tough realizing that the relationship you envisioned isn't unfolding as you hoped. Take time for yourself and focus on your well-being. How long have you been married?
@@AttachmentAdam we never got to the door!
I loved him, wanted to marry him and children with him but he never wants to marry and doesn't want kids. He's closed off emotional intimacy in our relationship. So, as hard as it is for me, we've ended it. I still pray and hope he heals and will always pray for his healing. He isn't a bad person. He's just broken and lonely. ❤
I'm sorry to hear about your difficult situation. It's commendable that you can see his struggles and still wish him well. Ending a relationship when your goals and needs don't align is incredibly hard, but it's often necessary for your own well-being and future happiness.
He will look back and lament he once had it all.. Then he will be alone and old
@@MyAngelina123 same as my ex. We parted ways, because he is always anxious, insecure, he think id better good with other guys. And now he is texting me that he needs me to be always there as a friend. He is a sad, borderline type.
Circled around for 9 years! Asked him all the questions. His words were hollow. Ghosted again!
Time to ignore him and move on! Lord Jesus help me!
I'm sorry to hear about your experience. It sounds incredibly difficult and emotionally draining. Remember, you deserve genuine connection and respect. Wishing you strength on your journey.
LOVE the chimp analogy! 😂 “thats a flower?”
“You’re gonna get us killed!!” *runs away*
😂
Good image
Haha, I'm glad you enjoyed the chimp analogy! Sometimes relationships can feel like navigating through the jungle. Keeping a sense of humor can definitely lighten the load. Thanks for watching!
The chimp example is so on point. I was dating an avoidant and had no idea I was. After running into different avoidant videos there's one incident that happened opened my eyes and helped me understand him, but he's majorly selfish and even though I have not seen him in two years and he has tried to get me to see him it was for one reason only. So I won't see him just for that. My feelings are way too much to deal with that type of rejection again.
He sounds vile. So glad you've raised your standards.
@@almightybeanchild he’s vile and beautiful but I still can’t go back. I will discuss him next on my channel after the whole narcissist thing. I wonder if there’s anyone without these traits. Where are they?
I noticed he would go in hard and then retreat. Also he would never initiate texts, only reply. It drove me nuts to the point where I blew up and said I’ll leave him alone…thinking he’d reach out when he’s ready. Instead, he took “I’ll leave you alone” as “I don’t want anything further to do with you” When I finally reached out a month later, he had already moved into someone else. This is after leading me on for 8 months. And he blamed me. When all he needed to do was clarify what I meant. It just made no sense to me. I was always trying to open up conversations and he was always trying to shut them down. I’m most likely anxiously attached but I tried to be understanding but I abandoned myself in the process. Never again.
My DA is all over me when I’m about to walk away or when I express I’m unhappy. But we slip into our same patterns where he’s distant and I’m wondering what’s wrong. Exhausting. Adam, your videos give me peace because it helps explain a lot…
Hi, I'm avoidant. Yes I miss people when they're gone, I usually try and hide it though. I think my avoidant style comes from being let down by caregivers as a child, nobody was reliable or responsible. Everything was about them, I didn't matter to them except what they could get out of me. They didn't nurture me, I became anxious, fearful, sealing my avoidant fate. I would much prefer a secure attachment style, of course.
Can I ask you something? What kind of traits do you want in secure attachment style?
It doesn’t make sense. You are getting reinforced by your partners that they will take care of you and you avoid them. Grow up
So as an avoidant what do you want from people?
You want some companionship but completely and only on your terms?
You may miss people but did you ever care about them?
@@chrislim7976 It's not realistic to expect anything 100% on your own terms. No, I'm ready for people to let me down, so I never really engage in the first place. I just want to rely on myself. I think this style developed from being exposed to poor caregivers, but now I'm making my own reality by remaining aloof in relationships.
@@lundsweden
This is my exact experience. She was with me but talk was always shallow and never really engaged. It was very odd. It is wrong what your caregivers did or did not do but this is also very confusing and hurtful to people who dont know.
We arent those caretakers but I guess it doesnt matter. So you believe relationships are mostly doomed? There is nothing anyone can do? I think I will give up on my relationship then.
Thanks for explaining a little bit. I feel worse but better knowing more.
well that's very interesting. I ve reconnected with an ex to make a correct closure and discuss what went wrong. But he was only defensive and blaming me and being harsch saying he's moved on. Meanwhile he flirted with me during the 4 days we spent together working. I told him thank you for these days and turned my back. I am proud to have been able to do that after 4 years working on myself.
I'm proud of you too for doing the work and knowing when a certain pattern is unhealthy and that it's time to move on.
I am currently in love with an Avoidant! I asked where we stood in our relationship- it was great, we never fought, i felt he was MY Person. He treated me exactly how I wanted except…Something was missing and i didn’t know what. we never talked intimately. Anyway, you wont be surprised to know HE Literally RAN and said i dont want to be in a relationship!!!
- well what were we in? or doing??
Took me months of research til i found you! your videos help me understand !
I am still hurting and its been 3 months since our breakup- how can he not have moved on? I can’t bring myself to ask…..Trying to move on but cant. I need help. Its bringing me down, I am depressed and cry all the time. My friends are beginning to HATE him for making me this way. He is a wonderful person and I think he thinks Im happy! I speak to him once a week or so , i dont feel this is chasing…. is it? Will he not miss me?
I wish we could do couples therapy. How do I(We) go about this?
Adam has a video on what avoidants need instead of couples therapy as it destroys some trust and could be more problematic. He offers solutions and his course is super helpful… so def check that
I'm sorry to hear about your experience. It's tough when there's a mismatch in expectations and communication styles. Speaking with him occasionally isn't necessarily chasing, but focusing on your well-being is crucial. I invite you to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com to help you both navigate through this difficult phase.
@@MarionFiedlerMusiclink?
ugh. love, it’s probably better you try to let him go. these people are magical and so interesting…but they also have the capacity to EVISCERATE any kind of self worth or trust for yourself/others. tread carefully..
We the avoidant partner managed to put ourselves in such situation!
I’m the partner that started out relatively secure and capable of communicating 18 years ago. Within two years I had become anxious and proceeded to become more and more anxious over time, to the point where I began to have physical ailments including heart issues. The first time I tried to leave was after three years together. I tried everything including counselling. I have been digging out and trying to leave permanently for four years and this year after a lot of counselling I have managed to not go back. I now see him for the man he truly is and I know how dangerous he is for my own mental and emotional health. I blocked him six months ago and he’s staying blocked.
So this is why reaching out with an invitation to join us is not taken as a generous confirmation of friendship, but as a burden to avoid.
5-6 months of faking period
Adam, you are truly, truly amazing. Your information is spot-on and I love watching your channel. Thank you so very much for these enlightening insights.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Leslie! I appreciate your love and support. Glad find my channel helpful ❤
I was married to an avoidant for 17 years. The first several months was great. She definitely started to become reserved, locked up, etc. She's introverted. She seemed very cold and distant. Any intimacy was difficult for her including holding hands. She showed no interest in closeness at all. She recently filed for divorce. She said things like, "we're not compatible", "we have nothing to show for 17 years". Granted, I'm an anxious person that expressed my wants and needs. She could not articulate her needs well. It's sad because now I realize that she's never felt love from anyone besides her mom. Now she says she enjoys being alone, doesn't want to date, etc. She gets her dopamine from looking at funny reels on her phone. It is so clear now but too late.
It sounds like you've been through a challenging and emotional journey. It’s tough when differing attachment styles create such a disconnect. What have you learned about yourself and your needs through this experience?
This video was so informative. I love your analogies. Thank you so much from all of us that are or have been driven insane by an avoidant 😂. I’m finally free since a few days ago, and my anxiety has diminished immensely after a year of bread crumbs having been fed to me slowly. I’m so grateful for the lessons and to be out of it.
I'm glad to hear that you found the video informative and helpful! It's wonderful that you're feeling a sense of relief and reduced anxiety after moving on from a difficult relationship.
What lessons have you learned from this experience that you plan to apply in future relationships?
I do.
I care more after I push you away.
I can finally love you completely, because you're not around to spoil it all and break my heart.
You're an avoidant??
@@alanrodriguez210 Yes.
I love people more as abstract ideas than in real life.
Sounds like the romanticization of your own fears
U like the idea of love but not actually wanting the experience of love? That's tough
@@erindarin6 Well define the "experience of love".
But I guess, yes.
I LOVE the experience of love.
But I will never put myself again in the position when someone I am experiencing love with just up and leaves and I then experience the experience of the one you love the most not wanting to see you, talk to you, or text you, or even occasionally comment on your social media, although I never cheated and he is the one who left .
So yeah, eff you, men who tell me I should be experiencing love with you.
You are just being selfish in your trying to secure that I am the one who's completely in your hands, so YOU can be the one who decides when and if to leave.
Well no more.
Now I am the one who's in control over it.
Guess what
Ever since I turned this way, I've only been loved and respected like never before, and I've finally had several years long monogamous relationships.
I cracked your code.
Cry me a river about it.
He asked me to love him, started opening up, told me he couldn’t imagine me with another man, I guess I misunderstood. I have my own walls, but I am a self sufficient, financially able to take care of my self. He seems to have sex issues, had to keep taking it to the next level, till I wasn’t enough. When I couldn’t fulfill all his fantasy’s, he left. He said I gave him more than previous women, he’s been divorced for 12 years, I am a widow after 38 years off marriage.
I'm sorry to hear about your experience. It sounds like there were deep emotional challenges in your relationship. It's important to prioritize your own well-being!
He is afraid of your love and emotional stability. It’s not you, it’s him and his warped thinking. The need to keep increasing the sex novelty is the $1 dopamine chase Adam mentions.
@@debbiekiesel-ryan3748 seems to me he used you only for sex, to fulfill his sick fantasies. He was able to manipulate you, when he had what he wanted, he left. I'm sorry for you.
Wow! The more I listen to these videos I completely understand the man I was dealing with. He completely did ALL of the things you described, all the way down to him feeling that he’s under attack ALL THE TIME. Even by me when I was never trying to hurt him.
Thank you for this explanation!
Another banger! I don't hate anyone, I usually hate myself. Everything you said is so spot on.
I'm glad to hear that the content resonated with you. Are you taking any steps to work on self-compassion and reducing self-criticism? It's sounds like you're self-aware of this pattern, and that's a great start.
I encourage you to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com so we can discuss this in private and in more detail.
You know Adam, after watching your videos on Anxious Attachment and Avoidant Attachment, one of the saddest realizations I’ve come to is that I was mostly securely attached with both avoidant and anxious tendencies until I met my avoidant boyfriend. I know that sounds like blame shifting but really. I do feel that way. Much like you describe, avoidants come on strong in the beginning and pull back as the relationship progresses. No wonder my anxious tendencies got triggered. Currently realizing and working on cutting relationships when I notice that .
This can definitely happen, and it's one reason we need to be 1) diligent about our own regulation and 2) holding others accountable for showing up faithfully in relationships
@@AttachmentAdam unfortunately the accountability is what made him leave the relationship but I guess if he was never going to be accountable then the end of the relationship was for the best 🤷🏻♀️
I see my last relationship in this video so much. Thank you for this. I feel very recreated and its nice to know. It makes so much sense. Glad we are not together. It was a rollercoaster. Yep, he was that lone wolf and it was great for 5-6 months then all of this start coming out. I was that warm, loving, and feminine woman. Now I understand. What makes me sad is that "avoidants" are so in there head. If only they could talk through some of things they were thinking, it would be so much healthier and I'm understanding that they struggle with that. Thank you.
I have watched this vid numerous times. And what you have set-out is so on point for me. Thank you Adam.
Glad it was helpful! and Stay Tuned for the upcoming ones!
Best explanation I've ever seen on ALL the CZcams channels I have watched.
That's wonderful to hear! I appreciate you taking the time to write this comment and letting me know. Which part of this stood out the most to you?
This is brilliant, as usual.
Thanks for the support. So glad you found this helpful!
Adam you are amazing in explaining this dynamic💖 and those funny expressions😁 I cut cords/ties with my ex but can't really stop thinking about him. I went cold turkey, got rid of all the photos and stuff he gave me. The worst he did he didn't want to communicate and address any issues, just suddenly broke up two weeks before we suppose to go on a trip to my home country and this coldness😔. I forgave him after watching few couches on avoidants for few months. He is not worth my precious time. If he rebounded with that toxic female 'friend' or with his ex that's on him. I didn't stalk him even tho I wanted during withdrawal. It felt like withdrawal from drugs. I'm single and healing. Never again.
Right with you on that .. I too am moving on and love his videos
It's commendable that you're focusing on your well-being and recognizing your worth. Going through a breakup, especially with an avoidant partner, can be very challenging. It's great that you’re prioritizing your own time and moving forward.
What activities or practices have you found helpful in focusing on yourself and moving forward?
They deactivate manually their feelings for you, but later on the feelings come back, you can’t keep everything inside! No one can, and they will come back 100%
I've been married to a woman for 11 years, been together for 20 years, and I only properly realised that she's a dismissive avoidant attachment style a few months ago. Spent the last year fighting so hard to save our marriage but she kept pushing me away. It was driving me crazy until i heard about attachment styles and she ticks every single box for DA.
I still love her but this week i told her that I can't fight anymore. We have 3 kids together so will need to keep in contact but unless she can heal herself there is literally nothing more I can do to save it
It must have been challenging realizing and navigating your partner's attachment style after so many years together. Taking care of yourself and your children is crucial. If you need support or resources during this time, don't hesitate to reach out.
I’ve discovered that I have an anxious attachment style. I found out about this through my ex-girlfriend who was very avoidant. In the end, she cheated on me. The way it happened is particularly wounding for me because she did it right in front of me at a bar that she invited me to after bailing on a date I had planned for us. Then she broke up with me after I got very upset about it and she claims it is because I am unstable (as if me reacting and being upset to that is a bad thing). And then after discarding me, she contacted me after several months pretending like nothing happened and wanted to know about my life. It has been a year now and still to this day I get surging feelings of hatred and resentment towards her. I’ve never felt like more of a joke to someone in my entire life. I feel such betrayal and I just can’t let it go. Honestly at this point it is exhausting and I feel like I am overreacting and yet it still feels very real and hurtful. Idk what to do anymore man
It is not your fault. You tried to form a connection in good faith. Channel your energy into changing yourself to ensure you are alive to these people and that way you can avoid the pain and maybe connect with a secure persoon. Good luck.
I'm truly sorry to hear about what you've been through. It's understandable to feel hurt and betrayed after such an experience. Your feelings are valid, and it's important to give yourself permission to process them at your own pace. Healing from such wounds takes time, and it's okay to seek support from friends and family. If you need guidance please don't hesitate to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com
When you will realize that there is NO cure for AVPD and that is a brain DISALIBITY you will feel better
I am a 59 year old woman who is just learning about attachment styles and I have learned that I am a text book avoidant! I have left/ran from several great relationships and I finally decided I need to figure out why I keep repeating the same behaviors and losing relationships. I some how found the CZcams videos on attachment styles and it makes so much sense now. A bit sad because not only did avoidants get a stresseful childhood then adulthood without learning how much childhood affects love relationships in adulthood and once again miss out on love :(
Tammy, it ain't over yet. You've made the first step towards balance and I'm sure you will keep working on your issues, as we all must do! There's plenty of time for love! Good luck.
Thank you for this video, and for being so generous with all of the information you share. I'm sad that my late husband and I didn't know this years ago when I tried to help him with trauma issues he had. But I'm super grateful to find this now.
PS, thanks for the humour you throw down too! "stupid, flailing chimps"... lol
Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your experience. I'm sorry to hear about your late husband's trauma issues, and I understand how challenging it must have been. I'm glad you find the information helpful. Humor can be a powerful tool in navigating difficult topics, and I'm glad you appreciated it!
oh damn. I put a thousand dollar bill in the vending machine and he called it trash, then threw it away. I understand it better now. But the name-calling and emotionally annihilating me will keep me gone.
I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. Feel free to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com so we can discuss different healthy coping strategies.
Thank you so much Adam, for your insights❤I am grateful for listening
I am an avoidant -anxious single woman with 47,
I am on my way to love myself more and more, finding peace, and building up a healthy relationship❤
That's wonderful to hear! Self-love and finding peace within yourself are crucial steps towards building healthy relationships. Wishing you all the best on your journey of growth and self-discovery!❤
@@AttachmentAdam thank you ❤️
All mine said was "I dont need your explanations or anything from you, go in peace etc etc etc"
Sooooooooo much information that makes 1000000000% sense!!!
I'm soo glad to hear that this resonates with you! If you ever need more guidance feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com
I lost my wife to cancer 10 years ago. I will never know what she meant by, “I hope you know I love you.” It burns still.
I'm so sorry for that. and let me know how can I help you.
My avoidant is pining for his ex GF -- again -- who he calls a 'friend'. A 2 year pattern. I'm starting to date this time.
I've been there. Knew what to look for (red flags) and I still stupidly got caught. These people are often intelligent but they refuse to see the problem. They repeat the circle and come up with sound plausible reasons to explain why they had to end their earlier relationship(s). That is where the lie is and why I am angry with them; deep down they know they have a problem but they walk out their door thinking "I'm fine. I'm going to do what all the other normal people do and fall in love and have a relationship". They are like someone who has a Sexually Transmitted Disease and is indifferent to the hurt they do to people who are looking for a loving relationship.
They literally waste the lives of other people who want to connect. Next time I'm going to make the women take a test. I don't care how good looking she is and how good the sex. I don't intend to waste another year of my life with another damaged human being. Life is too precious to waste on these people.
Lol....my DA also has a "friend" who treated him very badly, felt entitled to take over his life and emotionally exhausted him in a very short period of time. He ended things with her, but remains in touch and accommodating to her.
I hear you. It's tough when patterns like this emerge. Wishing you strength as you navigate your own journey.
@@yellowtheresunshine meaning: the exact opposite of that.
It really hurts.. it’s been a bit over two months. Just completely ghosted after 8months. But I’m healing and moving on/forward. I will be okay! ❤
So thrilled to hear that, you're so strong and you can definitely do it!
I needed to hear this! You are spot on.
So glad to hear that!
That cortisol might burn off quick with space, after a break up, but that freedom will often mean include those casual hook ups with that safe, no-strings-attached dopamine hit and they might realise they don’t need you - no matter how good the relationship was. I had an incredible 2.5 years with my DA ex, planning our future organising to buy a house, until she got triggered and abruptly discarded me without good justification, I was sure she’d come back though. 4 months later, a bit of contact where she’d show interest and attraction still, last week, she messages me telling me she’s dating someone new now… would I like to meet up to talk about it and us. I’ve been to hell and back and now this. 6 months ago I would have bet everything I had that we’d be together and happy, it’s so cruel.
I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been through. It sounds incredibly tough and confusing. Breakups can be so unpredictable, especially with someone who has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. If you'd like to learn more about navigating these complex emotions and relationships, please feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com. I'm here to help however I can.
“ last week, she messages me telling me she's dating someone new now... would I like to meet up to talk about it and us.” Crazy af
@@imperialgrind3128 avoidants seperate from their emotions, she’s detached and probably doesn’t see anything wrong with that and probably hopes i’m fine and over it. I also suspect she want’s to make sure everything between us is cool, because we have many mutual friends, it’ll be likely we’ll cross paths, she said she didn’t want to freak me out if she arrived with a new guy - I get it, but I don’t want anything to do with it.
A lot of covert narcissists are getting a get out of jail free card by being called an avoidant now a days.
Where do you think narcissism and avoidant attachment overlap?
I think they are both! Avpd with narc traits
Ah, glad I found you! Just my story.
I'm so glad to have you here! What part resonated with you the most?
Adam thank you so much for this!
Glad it was helpful!
Tried another time after on and off, and I just knew it wouldn’t work without positive change and accountability, some help and new behaviour. The fact that it was just like before sent my nervous system into hyper stress and fear that I cannot put myself through this again, which in turn put her off me. She’s never going to give it another go, and it would only work with help/coaching to stop the negative patterns anyway.
It's understandable to feel that way after experiencing repeated patterns that cause stress and fear. Recognizing the need for positive change and accountability is a crucial step.
How do you plan to move forward after this realization?
@@AttachmentAdamthanks for your reply. Because I’m very attached to her it’s really hard to move on. I tried before and failed. I have to address the core wounds that are from childhood to get over her I think.
So I'm an avoidant man, and i have been with an anxious woman for 8 years and we are married with 2 kids. Your videos hit like a ton of bricks. I can't count the time I've told my wife that she would be happier with someone else and i can't give her what she needs. It's not because i don't care, it's because i feel i will never be able to genuinely poor love into her the way she does me, and she deserves better than that. It's a feeling of being broken beyond repair while you watch someone you love try in vain.
Why didnt you leave her earlier i was with someone like you more than a decade now I am damaged you people just dont care!you just think you are sorry
You are not “broken”. And you CAN change. Start with a therapist or a podcast or a book. Understanding where that part of you comes from is a starting point. Get curious. About your childhood, trauma, your nervous system. Then start learning new ways of responding. Changing any habit, pattern, or reaction within yourself will take time and commitment. And a growth mindset- right now it sounds like you have a fixed mindset and don’t believe its possible.
(Recommendation: ManTalks podcast).
Let her go instead of using her. She has a higher chance of healing from you. And at some point you need to take the initiative to stop hurting people.
@boisebabe2179 we are actually in a pretty good place. I make effort to be as loving as I can even when I don't feel like I want to and not to leave when I feel stressed. It doesn't feel natural but she appreciates the effort.
It's really easy for me to be the worst possible thing for her, so I'm always trying to be the best version of myself I can be, for her and our kids.
Avoidants cannot change stop, there is no cure
Wish I knew of your videos and advice four years ago. Thank you for your thoughtful insights and knowledge.
It's encouraging to hear that this content resonates with your experiences and offers valuable insights. It's never too late to learn and apply this knowledge.
I love the way you explain for both ends!
I'm so glad to hear that 🙏
Thank you, I appreciate that!
My avoidant is extremely stubborn and pushed me away constantly. She admitted that she told herself things that weren't true about me and made herself believe that I was deceitful and doing things behind her back. I had to constantly reassure her and prove to her that I was genuine and it was a never-ending struggle. It got so bad that she created a new Facebook page after deactivating her original and was using it for months before I found out. It was extremely frustrating that she did this out of mistrust towards me and my friends. I couldn't deal with it anymore and I had to not walk but run away. It was the most frustrating relationship in my entire life. And she's still trying to Hoover me here and there and I know it's pointless to try to go down that road again because I know we would be constantly going in circles over and over.
It really fucking sucks when you get in with the wrong person and you can’t fix them
Nah Fam, I'm so scarred and jacked emotionally and mentally from her lovebombing then inconsistent hyperindependent, workaholic, control-phobia behavor it will take me months to get back to normal. Please stay away!!
I'm really sorry to hear about your experience. It's completely understandable to need time after such a rollercoaster of emotions and behaviors. Focusing on your own well-being is crucial right now.
Brilliant words.
Thank you, I appreciate that. Which part resonated the most?
oh Maaan you are so accurate !
Thank you for the feedback! I'm glad you found the content accurate and helpful!
Yes I’m learning now that I think my husband is an avoidant partner. You described him to a T. He wants a Divorce after 14 yrs. And I’m finding that I’m the anxious attachment
So sorry you're going through that. I wish you peace.
What can I do to change this??
Feel free to reach me through support@adamlanesmith.com so we can discuss this in private and in more detail. I'd be happy to share helpful resources and tailored guidance with you.
I don’t miss the loud out bursts nervousness, anxiety and fear I endured….they are happy on the couch they should stay there!!!!!!
This was incredible, like shining a light on my ex's brain. 💡
I'm happy to hear you found this insightful. Was there any part that specifically resonated?
This video was made for me and my current situation ❤
How is it going?
Thank you so much for posting this. You have no idea how much this helps me understand.
Just one question: What about the famous no-contact rule? Does it matter who breaks it or can I contact him first after seeing him circulate on my social media?
I have found good help in to summit up. If he writes you, then you should definitely respond - And that is a good sign if there is contact. Spaces, important, and I have found some really good advice by googling
Ask the Toronto love doctor, how often should you contact or text an avoidant ex? It describes that more anxious avoidants might write u and are open to contact due to regret, loneliness, still-feeling-out-what-they-want.
You're very welcome! I'm glad the video could provide some clarity. Regarding the no-contact rule, it's generally advisable to prioritize your own emotional well-being. If you need more guidance please don't hesitate to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com
Question: does an avoidant act the same way with every partner? Worse if they like you more than others or the same way? 😅
they act the same exact way. Hint: they act the same superficial way to all relationships, towards friends or even just a neighbour (except maybe the sex part:D OR....) okay, joking aside, my love said he dated "all crazy girls" before (hello redflag). did not have enough self-reflection that maybe his behaviour made them act in a crazy way?? hmmmm....but back to your question, they bound, if ever, in quite weird ways, i am not an expert but after i put some puzzles together, they are usually drawn to some sort of 'special' people (slight autism/asperger, borderline, ADHD etc). Aka ppl who are wired differently, similarly to them. Their act(s) can be devastating in both cases. I am currently on a journey of healing myself (fearful avoidant), still in a romantic relationship with DA, but with a deadline. If you get gifts regularly, you are a 'high class' haha..still it does not matter i think, they could run away after 3-5 years meanwhile you are pregnant
Great question! Avoidant attachment styles can manifest differently depending on the individual and the dynamics of each relationship. Generally, avoidants may struggle with intimacy and closeness across relationships, but the intensity or manner in which this manifests can vary. If you're curious to explore this further, feel free to stay tuned for more insights, or reach out to me directly at support@adamlanesmith.com. I'm here to help!
Very helpful thank you 🙏🏻
You're most welcome. Was there any specific part that stood out?
I absolutely smashed the like button, needed this video more than anything 🙏
I'm glad the video resonated with you! It's encouraging to hear that my content is helpful. I appreciate your support!
My wife and best friend of five years kicked me out and left me two days after Thanksgiving. And two weeks before that she told me that I’m the best decision that she’s ever made and I’m the best man for her and this and that and now she treats me as if I never mattered in her life and it honestly is so painful I cry and, I don’t like to cry, but I have nobody else to talk to so I try to hold it in so much to the point where it comes out in tears and we have a beautiful 11 month old daughter. And like she’s better than me and I have trouble understanding what it is. But my guess and she even said that she is going through postpartum depression and I understand it’s a very severe thing, right?
I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds incredibly painful and confusing. I encourage you to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com so we can talk about this in more detail and find ways to manage this difficult time together.
Day 2 of asking Adam for a "Relationship hacks for avoidant men" video. I think i am avoidant and i don't know how to prevent failing
Thanks for your suggestion! Creating content that helps people navigate relationships, including tips for avoidant individuals, is something I'm considering for future videos. Stay tuned! If you ever need guidance on your journey please feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com
I miss my avoidant ex, but I guess his core wound won. You cannot communicate w them. You get in, they pull the rug out. It's exhausting and heartbreaking. Anyhow, I cussed mine out. I can't ride that roller coaster. Acted more NPD. Maybe he isn't a bad person but anyone that can stone wall you for weeks and wanna come back again and again just needs to go.
DAMN it is so accurate!!! I wish i stumbled upon your channel 10 months ago ….my friend told me something similar: she said the level of love you gave me was too much for him, he is used to scrubs, so he couldn’t handle a 5 stars meal 💔💔🥺🥺🥺
It sounds like you gave a lot, and he may not have been ready for that level of connection. What have you learned from this experience that will guide your future relationships?
Hi Adam thank you for this video. I have avoidance and anxious traits so does he. We got in a fight 2 weeks ago he ended it. Now he is hoovering after a 2 week I have no idea bender..he is only transactional towards me, I'm so bored with this behavior..sigh
He’s using you. Move on
Hi there, I'm glad the video resonated with you. It sounds like you're navigating a challenging situation. Feel free to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com for guidance on how to handle this cycle of hoovering and transactional behavior. I'm here to support you.
He promised marriage as we both were getting old n wanted kids, but as soon as he got his physical needs n emotional needs met after a month he said my height is too short, i am average height statistically i checked, that our kids will be short so no...
As our families were involved n ready to get us married, n as it was first time i became physically close to someone i tried to hold on..
I tried love, logical explanations n family support... I was desperate..
He slowly accepted, asked me quit job as we will get married in 3 months n the place where we worked didn't allow marraige among workers... After 3 months he leaves me again saying another reason which is completely unrelated... When i leave he comes back n asks for one more chance saying we will get married as soon as i m back but again puts me on hold without even an engagement for months... In end too he said he cant get married now I should find someone else if i cant wait...
I gave my best to this man but i have not understood what his problem was..
I'm sorry to hear about your painful experience. It sounds like you gave your all to this relationship, and it's disappointing when promises aren't kept. You deserve someone who values and respects you consistently. If you need assistance in navigating these challenges, please reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com
You are so right
Your a brilliant talker....you will be successful.
Thank you for that. I really appreciate it! What was most helpful about this video?
I'm an avoidant and she left after 5y together, I do still care.
It's supposed the avoidant to never care but it end up me caring and her moving on without hesitation
After 4 years i had to end it, today actually... This whole situation was eating me alive. We live a 10 min bike ride away from each other and i would see him maybe once a week (if i was lucky). I have been patient and understanding. Ive given him the tools to heal from his wounds (as i have been doing with mine) i wanted to fight and break this negative pattern we were following by getting professional help. He just wanted to stay friends. Staying friends would have been us following the same pattern and not making the situation better. Staying friends is just not an option. Either we break the pattern or just break us. So yeah.... I cut the cord. It fcking hurts, but i just cant do this again
How do you know you would give the relationship a real chance if she came back?
@@a.d.b535 She is an true anxious type+ covert narcissist so she messed up a lot during the relationship and especially when we broke up. Yes I messed up as well just being avoidant. But I realized my issues and working on becoming a secure type.
Well, in this case I would give a real chance if she admits that she as an anxious type was wrong as well and if I see her eager to change by working on herself to become a secure person.
That's almost impossible I understand that but at least Im ready for this move and will do my best to change no matter we will be together or apart
@@a.d.b535 She is an anxious type + covert narcissist and she messed up a lot during the relationship especially when we broke up. I messed up as well just being an avoidant. I know she suffered a lot from that. But now Im working hard to move from avoidant to a secure type. I really hope thats gonna happen.
Well in my case I would give a real chance if she admits she was wrong as well and ready to change and work on herself to become a secure person.
I know that's almost impossible but at least Im ready for this move
@@ingeclaeys3761 if he is ready to stay friends then he has no feelings. No feelings - no point to fight for this relationship. I think my ex was going through something similar you did and that's why she left. But in my case I could never stay friends with her because when you have feelings just friendship is impossible
I have a question. I'm AA, working on being secure. My wife of 22yrs is DA. But the moments you talk about showing up in the 5-6 months didn't show up until 3ish years ago. Been cycles. But before was super engaged, clingy(not bad way), open for 18 years or so. Now detached, doesn't care about any connection, says she only matters to her, detaches from me, the kids. Now intimacy when happens is cmon hurry up and get this done. I don't understand after so many years the shift? About same time started she started drinking for first time, now it's 8-12 a night. And is it a mix of midlife crisis? I'm lost. I'm working on myself and being secure and controlling what is controllable which is me. But damn it's difficult. Anyway any insight would help. I cant seem to find any leads or direction anywhere. Thank you!
My partner and I are both avoidant and we’ve both worked on our issues. We understand each other.
That's wonderful to hear! What has helped you the most during this process?
Leaving a comment to share where I am in my journey to love and Avoident. I stopped chasing on my own and now I am working to regulate my emotions when he is close and away. I am seeing more open communication from him and he said he will go talk to a counselor with me and listen to a book on attachment styles "Secure Love" but, my biggest fear is that he is lying and is only manipulating me. I am becoming aware and working towards being a secure partner. Thank you for your videos they are helping me to understand him and teaching me how to truly want to love someone.
That's fantastic progress! It sounds like you're taking some powerful steps towards secure attachment and a healthier relationship. I encourage you to continue working on your own emotional security, regardless of the relationship's outcome. An open mind from your partner is great, but trust takes time to rebuild. Have you noticed any other positive changes in his communication besides the couples counseling and audiobook?
@AttachmentAdam he has always been fairly open and deep with his emotions what he struggles with is involving me or sharing with me his day to day when he is away. I hope he comes around because he knows what I desire because he has said he wants the same thing. I am attempting to give him that safe environment where he can access the risk and see that I am not a treat or trap. I work on me and as I move into my security I am noticing his actions and if he is either gravitating closer or continuing to avoid. This is all still very new in my change in behavior towards him so right now time and patience will be most important to see how he progresses but I am definitely progressing and I know that if he is not able to gravitate closer and I have to move on that I will have reached my security as a partner to realize that I would have to let him go. Yes, grief will hit in but I will know that I did everything I could to love him where he is at. Long answer 😊
*Assess and *threat....misspelled words above.
He ran away after 7 years. Completely blindsided me.
Ooch painful
Worst pain of my life. 6 months later it’s starting to get better.
I am so terribly sorry to hear this. What was your relationship like prior to him leaving? Was it seven years of emotional connection, or…?
@@AttachmentAdam He has a fearful avoidant attachment, he tried really hard and there was some emotional connection. No idea why are where things went sideways, but they did!
My avoidant & I went back and forth for 10 years. He would come back & I would be so happy i really didn't ask questions. He would apologize. Cry tell me he loves me. He ghosted me over a year ago. Every once in a while he will send me a message on fb messenger. That about all thats happened. Im sure by now any pressure he thought I was doing is long gone. I think at this point I would like to be friends. What can I say?? Side note we were friends for 20 years before being in a relationship. Any help???
This happens WAY TOO OFTEN, and I am so sorry. Yes, there are ways to fix this situation (IF and ONLY IF he is open to making some changes). If he's not open to that change, you'll need to ask what you're willing to put up with and give to someone who isn't willing to commit to you.
I can help you sort this out if you need help - email me at support@AdamLaneSmith.com and let's chat.
No, please don’t do this, you can never be just friends. Don’t try to heal a wound where it was caused in the first place. You deserve so much better than this!
Sounds like an abuser to me. Should’ve left him alone a long time ago.
@@Thatsher21 im certainly not proud of how long I stayed but be breadcrumbed me
I'm just curious as to whether or not you believe this man is in love with you despite all of his behavior. I am guessing, but I think he is.
But my second question is, do you feel as if you have been abused? Or allowed yourself to be abused?
Thanks coach
Happy to help! Was there a specific part that stood out?
We had a great relationship in my eyes, once I knew she was an avoidant I changed my approach to not be as anxious. We were taking babies, marriage house, life, she moved in, 2 weeks later left me. Over a year now we have been broken up, and nothing. I've stayed away but she has never tried. From all I know, it's for the best as those who get back together are doomed to fail a few months later.
Would this apply to all an avoidant’s exes until the avoidant gets coaching or some self awareness of this pattern?
Great question. Yes, avoidant behavior patterns can affect all of an avoidant's relationships until they gain self-awareness or seek coaching to address these issues. Experiencing genuine connection with a partner who helps them feel safe, secure, and understood would also significantly help them steer more toward secure attachment.
Have you observed any specific patterns in your own or others' relationships that you want to address?
Sure we do we just don't express it
what holds you back from expressing?
We're not drama queens. And we actually thought people would appreciate that we don't throw fits.
@@unterdessen8822 Yes true. But what about expressing feelings of care, love, concern?
I don't get to the love stage, and care and concern are rejected 🤷♀️
@@unterdessen8822 I appreciate your thoughts, thank you. I've felt that-- a rejection of genuine care and concern. It's what we assume everyone wants/needs and sometimes think if we can love them enough... but meanwhile it's exactly what they don't want.
Amazing. Ty
You're most welcome! Which part of this stood out the most to you?
@@AttachmentAdam I've watched it twice. All of it stood out to me. Truth be told, I'm like that too sometimes. I can see it in others and I see it in myself at times. I'm doing my own work now. The struggle is real...
@@AttachmentAdam Also, there never was an argument or ill will toward each other. I don't blame their actions because I understand them. Sad but real
This makes me want to reach out to her even more.
This is scary stuff that this attachment style could fly under the radar for many months until they just jet one day. How do you identify this at the outset when they are really good at hiding it is my question. Most times they themselves dont even know theyre gonna leave, rt? Maybe theyre really trying and believe what theyre feeling is real connection, not trying to manipulate.
You bring up a valid point. Identifying avoidant attachment early on can be tricky since they might not even be fully aware of their own behaviors and emotions. Communication and observing consistency in actions over time can help gauge the sincerity of a connection. If you ever need more guidance please feel free to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com
@AttachmentAdam thx. I'm meeting wirh you in a few weeks so will get your detailed strategies then! (I'm Nikita)