Why Avoidant Men Reject Love
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- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
- Why do Avoidant men seem to run away from love, the most wonderful thing on the planet? In this insightful video, The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith delves into the complexities of Avoidant Attachment style in men, shedding light on why they may pull back just as a relationship is about to deepen into real love.
Drawing parallels to the constant risk assessment of avoidantly attached individuals, Adam explains how love becomes exhausting for them. He unravels the three main reasons why avoidant men may retreat when faced with the prospect of genuine connection: the constant risk assessment, the fear of being let down, and the perception of love as a trap.
But there's hope. Adam offers a roadmap to nurturing a fulfilling relationship with an avoidant partner. He outlines three key steps:
Create Refreshing Love: Clear communication and explicit expectations alleviate the overwhelming risk assessment process for avoidant men.
Nurture Love: Self-correcting behavior and emotional discipline reassure avoidant partners, proving that you are dependable and caring even in times of conflict.
Foster Freeing Love: Establishing clarity and negotiating fair terms within the relationship helps avoidant individuals see love as a source of resilience rather than a trap.
Adam emphasizes that avoidant men crave love deeply, despite their apprehensions. By embodying these principles, partners can become the beacon of safety and understanding that avoidant individuals have been searching for.
If you're navigating a relationship with an avoidant partner or seeking to understand avoidant attachment better, this video provides invaluable insights and practical guidance. Join Adam Lane Smith as he explores the depths of love and attachment, paving the way for fulfilling and enriching relationships.
The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available!
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
www.amazon.com/dp/B07S33YGJZ
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - The Fear of Authentic Love and Avoidant Attachment Style
00:02:18 - Understanding Avoidant Attachment Style
00:04:42 - Understanding Avoidant Attachment
00:07:11 - The Exhaustion of Love for Avoidant Attachment
00:09:36 - The Pain and Exhaustion of Avoiding Attachment
00:12:09 - Three Reasons Why Avoidant Men Run Away from Love
00:14:50 - Providing Clarity and Safety in Relationships
00:17:27 - Building Emotional Discipline
00:19:50 - How to Understand and Communicate with your Partner
00:22:22 - What an Avoidant Attachment Style Needs to be Happy
The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available!
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/
In my heart, I wanted her more then anything. But in my mind, I thought I was less deserving then anyone else. The pull away and retreat is so hard, because I know it hurt her deeply when all she wanted was to get closer to me, but in my mind, I was doing it because I wanted to spare her from the reality that is myself. So many times I just wanted to scream at her to find someone else, not because I didn't want to be that man, but because I thought I was incapable of being that man. It's difficult to want something and someone so deeply, but to be so crippled by your own reservations that you can only find a way to retreat from the situation.
I am sorry that I hurt you, its not because I didn't care for or want you, just that I couldn't trust or love myself enough to let my own guard down and take the chance. I wish I would have when it counted, and not come to terms with things so much later.
The shame burns deep, but the pain of those lessons tells me that I cannot keep carrying on this cycle, something must change.
Beautifully written. If she is single go back to her. Get an attachment coach or therapist. WORK on it. Make your appeal to her but not for her, for you. Be the cycle breaker. It’s never too late
Wow…that’s so deep and heart breaking. I’m sure you’re an amazing man.
Thanks for sharing. It felt like what my ex probably feels. Makes so much sense
Hey ~ thank you for sharing your thoughts and putting yourself out there to be vulnerable. Your confession and apology is helping to heal a broken heart.
I don't know if my ex had the exact same thought process as you, but if he shared your sentiment, then I would say the following:
Thank you for trying to protect me. I cannot imagine the pain and shame that you must be enduring. Yes I am hurt by how you've treated me. My heart is shattered and our relationship was no where near perfect. But that was never a reason for me to stop loving you, and I never had the intention abandon you or hurt you physically or emotionally. Im very regretful that I was not able to provide that sense of safety and home for you. If we had a second chance, I wonder if we would be able to better navigate and build a space for safety for both of us.
I still love you and care for you and the only thing that could bring more pain than I already feel and deter my own healing is if I am to see you perpetruate your self destruction. Please don't invalidate our relationship and the investment that we had both dedicated. Please honor our love for each other by promising yourself love and self improvement.
We might never be lifetime partners again, but I will integrate your love into my life. I will honor our love together by living fully and incorporating those things about you that I fell in love with into my own personality and life. Even if you and I chose to go our separate ways, you are not abandoned. You always have a place in my heart and if you look closely, you'll see shadows of both you and me in my future self.
Thank you for saying this out loud , I feel what you mean, but remember you deserve to be happy in every realm in life . Keep on your healing journey man don't give up!
Adam, your right on the money. I'm a recovering dismissive avoidant. In the past I would evade any women trying to get close to me or otherwise showed any interest in me. After a successful evasion, I would feel great relief as if I had just escaped from a trap. I would think : "just leave me alone - I don't want any trouble".
Thanks for these videos. For some reason at this point in my life, I accepted the fact that I have a problem and I started reading books and watching CZcams videos on the subject of avoidance. The key here is acceptance of my situation.
Now, a few months into this, my life has changed drastically for the better.
The avoidance isn't even the problem, it's knowing when you are starting to act avoidant again, explaining to your partner in a healthy way, and then working together. That' s the key. We all have our coping mechanisms after all. I wish my ex, who I now know was an anxious avoidant, simply communicated me instead of abandoning me. If he told me " hey, this is what I need, I still love you, but can we try it this way" I would' ve been down for many things, as long as it would help him.
It is very difficult to be so self aware to understand and know ones needs and even more difficult to vocalise to someone especially if you don't trust that person.
@MarijaEnchantix
May I ask… my bf is avoidant and he’s totally shut down. We have been together 3yrs and he has some awareness of knowing he pulls away and deactivates. I don’t cling, or smother him. We are long distance and the past 6months things ramped up and we got closer. All of a sudden he started pulling away and going cold, he said he needed space, I gave it but after a few weeks I asked for reassurance. That did not go down well. He said he wanted a break from me as he feels no matter what he does he isn’t good enough. I apologized and took ownership of my actions. Told him I didn’t want a break and I hope he comes back to me…
He never replied and it’s been 3weeks. He has told me several times he doesn’t feel good enough and that he can’t beleive I love him. He’s waiting for me to leave one day, yet he’s pushing me away. I know he is triggered and I don’t want to make it worse.
Should I msg him and tell him I’m not mad at him. He’s usually assumes I’m mad and expects the worst. I want him to know I don’t hate him, I want him and I don’t want him to run. He can trust me.
Any advice would be welcomed
Congratulations for recognizing your relationship style and good luck on your healing journey.
@@Zara19888 Stand by your words, and show him that you mean what you say. When I got with my ex, I remember very clearly saying at the start of the relationship that she would hate me one day, and she would discard me like I was nothing. I remember very clearly when I had the misfortune of saying 'I told you so' at the end. Most people just say what you want to hear to get what they want in the moment, and nobody knows that better than the dismissive avoidant. So if you want to reassure him, show him that you're not full of shit by being consistent, patient and trustworthy. Surprise him by sticking around like a loving and tolerant parent does for their child. With your actions, leave him absolutely no doubt that you're genuine and loyal, and eventually he will believe you. If you don't have the patience for that, then you should be up front about it and leave now, rather than going along with him for a while, saying all the right things, then betraying him later, which is exactly what he expects you to do, because that's what everyone always does to us.
DAs tend to be people of absolute integrity in a world where nobody else is like us, you have to prove to him that you are not like everybody else. But that isn't for everyone.
More specifically, I would say you should wait him out. Check in on him now and then and tell him you will be happy to speak to him when he is ready to return. Be consistent and patient. He's just waiting for you to show your true character and prove him right (he probably doesn't know it though), so if you can subvert the expectations he has, he'll get the message eventually.
It’s so hard not to feel rejected and insecure based on his actions sometimes. A while ago he said to me “honestly, I think any man would want you.” Like that should have been glaringly obvious to me. So now I feel like we’ve both been in this cycle of feeling like we aren’t “good enough” for the other. Which is so silly. I just want to be happy and spend more time together 😢
I love that he said that, takes a lot of courage to admit that he holds you that highly?
Leave
Check also autistic situation (goes hand by hand w dismissive attachment in way of communication)
❤😢same boat, absolutely the same - sometime it hurts so - but I don't give up,,,be strong and eatch out to your own weaknesses - especially don' be too pathetic , they take it like possessivity, I hthink❤
You nailed it. He likely feels insecure too. ❤
Before I healed my own FA attachment style, I used to personalize this as well. Feeling unworthy and not good enough. Once I got to a healthier mindset, I gained confidence and felt differently. My ex DA however has told mutual friends that he thinks because I'm rising in my career and financial status that he has nothing to offer me. He's made similar small comments here and there too. That was a big realization that he actually thinks very highly of me. Those are HIS wounds that he needs to work through, not mine. I just don't personalize it.
I don't want to take away from Adam's channel because he's amazing, but I will suggest trying Thais Gibson's personal development school. Once you start healing those wounds, it's like looking at situations with a healthier set of eyes.
Hard to have a discussion when they disappear whenever they start to get close to someone. No disagreements, no conflicts. Just getting close is enough to scare them off. One day, a warm and fuzzy rabbit, the next day a cold eyed, reptilian snake. I was so bewildered by this type of behavior, having never seen it before, I did some research and learned about the avoidant attachment style.
It gets easier to navigate the relationship when you understand their behavior and where it's coming from. Have you applied anything that worked to deepen your connection so far?
@@AttachmentAdam I give him space and wait until he comes back around. I'm always warm and friendly. I've never confronted him about anything. Whenever we start to get close, he disappears for weeks/months at a time. He has both childhood trauma and trauma from a divorce. I suspect his ex was an avoidant, too, due to childhood trauma of her own. Very sad situation. I try to just hold space for him as a friend. Not sure it can ever develop into anything deeper. There is a connection through prayer. Without going into details, there have been some magical synchronicities. That really scares him! 🤣😂
I love that you wear a suit. So different than everyone else. Your communication style is excellent… direct and confident
Wow, thank you! 😃 Appreciate your support and kind words.
Totally agree!
You can't apologize or mend things with someone that just dissappears without a word. Thís is exactly the problem. You want to communicate & talk about things like a normal person. But they shut down & dissapear. So how can you work things out with an Avoidant?
Exactly. These tips only work when an avoidant is in your everyday life. Mine upped and ghosted.
I swear that all these experts who talk about avoidants only interact with the avoidants that are more aware than the ones that you see in the world
@@wizardofaus2985So did mine, 4 weeks ago.
@@tarkov666 because the ones in the world aren’t aware of their problems. I wasn’t aware I was anxious attachment until I saw something on attachment styles. then i started learning about the different styles and it hit me like a sledge hammer and I know he’s an avoidant style
It's because you cannot communicate and talk about things like a normal person. You have to learn to communicate differently so they can understand you. You are literally speaking two different languages.
Do men like this a favor and leave them alone. If they feel trapped, give them all the space in the world by leaving them. Don’t give them the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities. Too many women suffer at the hands of avoidant men. They damage women and the children that result from the relationship. The compassionate thing is to not let them do this by removing access to you and your love and presence. This will create the conditions where they will need to get help to heal and grow up so they can be proper husbands. Having a loving partner is a profound privilege, and people need to respect this gift by being loving partners in kind.
As women we need to focus on our needs and safety within a relationship. An avoidant man is focussed on himself and leaves their partner emotionally abandoned in the relationship constantly and somehow are mysteriously unaware of the effect of their actions no matter how often they are told. Trying to make a safe space for him while being constantly hurt and rejected by said avoidant is no way to live. Always having emotional turmoil will hold you back in all areas of life, it will suck the life out of you. I'd say, avoid an avoidant as much as you can.
A man becomes avoidant because of how women love… the love is conditional on whether or not he is able to provide enough resources (hint… it is never enough).
@@samuelpayne5460 There are many men who are securely attached regardless of how women may love. Of course if you think all women want the same thing and love in the same way then you will never be able to have a successful relationship.
@@samuelpayne5460This dynamic is unbelievably inaccurate given the financial gains of real women; this is an emotional issue, not one of material gains or lack thereof; Avoidant Personality is an issue to be addressed, not placed upon the woman i.e. deflection as the blame for a man's trauma. Every tub stands on its on legs
@@haileys5371 THANK YOU FOR FINALLY ADMITTING IT - Women care only about yourselves. I can't believe this comment section of all fuckin places would be where a woman would finally fucking admit this basic reality. Sick.
This is, without hyperbole, the best, most accurate, most insightful and just absolutely top tier video on my attachment style that I have ever seen. And I have seen a lot of videos on this topic. An absolute expert at work. Subscribing!
Wow, thanks! I appreciate your support and kind words. Glad it helped and welcome aboard! ❤️
It’s a relief that someone was able to articulate the process in my mind. I’m so grateful. I don’t why we’re demonized. Majority of my friends are avoidant and we can be the most loving people if we’re given a chance. And I do think there’s a spectrum of avoidance because I’m not able to bond with some other avoidant for how extreme the avoidance is. And that’s ok. Easy to walk way and give space. To demonize and blame and criticize is weird to me. I love the space my other friends give me and in return they have a friend that’ll want to preserve that bond and keep the friendship going for decades. Anxious seem to want to blow up their friendships. And this is all generalizations
Anxious do not want to blow up our friendships. At all. We require space as well, contrary to popular belief. We are not that needy and desperate after we feel rejected. Once we value ourself and learn to be secure, its a game changer @cleopatrajones7096
Ok, so... I have to be perfectly secure, I have to deal with my own emotions alone, I have to hand them everything on a silver platter, communicate clearly and logically 100% of the time, be predictable at all times, but also be gentle and nurturing. So what do I get out of it? It just feels like I am reparenting an adult. Shouldn't they be responsible for healing their own attachment? Shouldnt' they work on their own avoidant tendencies and also be self-policing? To stop before they run and calm themselves down? This just sounds like I would have to walk on eggshells for the rest of my life trying to prove why they can trust me.
It sounds like that to you because you’re focusing on a small part of the whole reason avoidants avoid. It’s not something you’d deal with your entire life, it’s something that can be corrected and Adam teaches people how.
You don't have to do anything. As Adam said, this video is for people who want to understand why DAs are the way we are. What you do is entirely your choice.
Yes! DAs need to take this advice and start Asking and SHARING THEMSELVES instead of only Taking that from their partner!!! (Broke up with him over this!) And it's perfect Healthy to Co-Regulate and you need the other person for that!
@@RitaP41 But instead they disappear and never actually learn to regulate! And then they go to easy people, who don't make them regulate. So how will they learn?
@@MarijaEnchantix Amen, exactly!!! And I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life "walking on eggshells" with a guy like that!!
It's so sad how much they are depriving themselves too. A marriage is jet fuel with a healthy person. That's when all the growth and joy and magic and legacy and community impact happens. They can't see their value
wow • great perspective, beautifully said ♥️
I love this. Marriage is jet fuel to the healthy person. Beautifully said. ❤
It's heartbreaking to see someone miss out on the potential growth and joy that a healthy marriage can bring. What do you think could help someone realize their value and prioritize their well-being in a relationship?
This is so insightful… of course, the truth is, everyone makes mistakes. As someone who is healing complex attachment style, I develop emotional resilience by forgiving and cultivating devotion for self, then I can hold space for other’s messiness with so much less judgement. I think I was giving away my power to make myself feel fulfilled and safe and putting it in the hands of others. Of course others can’t hold the keys to my happiness and emotional safety. It’s not even their job to. But it took me a long time to realize that
@@AttachmentAdam Agreed it is heartbreaking but you cant make them see their value & want to prioritize. We all need to decide to do the work ourselves & heal. Ive been trying to help my husband understand that we can have a wonderful marriage but he says he will sacrifice his happiness for the kids. He said he cant remember a time in his life where he was ever been happy. Which is sad because we have beautiful children & are very blessed. It’s destroying our marriage because I wont sacrifice myself and stay in a bad marriage for the kids.
I pray he will decide to do the work because its not only terribly lonely, its very frustrating to live with someone who is constantly offended, lashes out & brings up arguments that happened 15 years ago like it was yesterday.
I'm lucky to have an older (60yo, recovering) dismissive avoidant as a friend/coworker. She tells me stories about her boyfriend. They would break up but "he just kept coming back", they've been together 12 years next Sunday. She said she fought it for 10 years, but the last 2 years she "accepted this is how it will be". She has admitted that she would be in a terrible spot if he left now.
My biggest takeaway from having many avoidants in my life is that it is rarely an issue with me.
avoidant assume everyone is not trustworthy because they themself are not trustworthy I see avoidant always hurt others
If maje him!! Ugh sounds exhausting!
I respectfully disagree. I think the pain they cause is unintentional. I know in my situation my avoidant crush has done nothing to lead me on. I get hurt because I cant handle his pull away. I don’t think he’s trying to hurt me. He’s guarding his heart from more pain. The way I try to reach out to stop my own pain! It’s the same thing but from a different perspective. They block feelings so they don’t feel pain. We feel blocked so we try to grasp to soothe our pain. Both are unhealthy and not necessarily cruel. I don’t mean to chase him off and cause fear in him but that is what happens in the end..
Its the opposite, i would give an arm and a leg to help someone, people have hurt me every step of the way.
I love your work but my experience is that this is endless non compensatory work. Avoidant men have turn me avoidant of them, you can’t really have a conversation with them. This can make some women obsess about changing them, saving them, making understand what love is, it never, never works.
I don’t believe avoidant men can change.
Best to leave them in their lonely safety till they make the decision to change themselves and make the effort.
They are not worth the pain, or the effort.
They’ve been betrayed? I’ve been betrayed by all of them.
I agree.
Yup
Can you make a video for things that avoidants themselves can do to fix their attachement?
@@namelessbrat7197 this is the comment! Please give us action steps, we want to grow and improve 🙏🏼
This is the comment. We want to grow and improve 🙏🏼
My dog is constantly seeking love from me, and never would I deny it from him. He has earned it.
He says to me, What is Love? He says he wants a relationship, but is too busy, he looks at talking about issues as fights or too deep. He treats me as one to listen, nod and agree and sex only. It is very harming on anyone for self worth, to go through all this kind of behaviour and feel as if it is all my problem of how I can get him to drop this massive guard./ brick wall. Tired of it all at the moment, to carry on trying to fix him. I feel it is a waste of my life right now.
It is. Move on.
@@gregvanpaassen Thank you
That's my experience, too. But I am going to give it one more try.
@@truthandlove1111 I would say, please always put yourself first and give him a lot less attention, worry or concern. Still being your happy, friendly self with family and friends around you. But rise to the challenge and do what is in your heart.
Same. It’s like being in a relationship with a cinder block
Yes, seems like they ruin their own happiness and even business with avoidance. That attachment style will drive most women away.
No woman is going to chase a man, for one, especially when they seem indifferent at best.
Good luck.
Exactly, I will never chase a man 👨
Most of them need therapy. Not a partner who has to self correct especially when the avoidant partner acts out of fear and is in the wrong. The avoidant partner never sees themselves as being in the wrong.
It's exhausting
It can definitely feel exhausting, navigating the complexities of avoidant behavior in relationships. With proper help and guidance, navigating the challenges can become much easier.
As someone who is a recovering fearful avoidant.. I have a lot of guilt but also gratitude for my ex partner who was so patient with me, and did absolutely everything right. His continued love and patience is what ultimately helped me see myself as being worth loving, and sharing love. It is still hard for me some days but when I see his continued love and friendship even after we have separated, I have faith in love and in community and healing and in myself.
With that said, I did not get to this point of doing the work on my own healing because of him- and in fact if he had only been patient with me, I’d likely have continued (unintentionally and not consciously) my old patterns of behavior indefinitely- I was on that path. It took some major major losses in my life, and encountering another dismissive avoidant - to see my own behaviors and to catapult me into doing the work. I had no other choice than to hit rock bottom. I could not- despite even being an educated therapied person - truly even understand my own patterns or even see myself.
So what I am trying to say is yes absolutely help people through understand or be present, but we must all practice what I call rational compassion- which is to have compassion for others- but not at the expense of one’s self. Showing compassion for an avoidant (or anyone really) but also setting clear and healthy boundaries for one’s self, or ending things when they don’t work is the healthiest way forward. I ENDLESSLY appreciate and thank god for the patience my ex showed me and has continued to show me in friendship (which actually helped us both grow closer than we ever were when trying to make a partnership work) and I literally thank god for him every day as he quite literally taught me love. He has showed me patience and unconditional acceptance without villainizing me for my own trauma even as I’ve tried to isolate or reject that love, he kept loving me and I don’t know if I’d even be here without that. And without his support, and forgiveness. I really don’t. I was in a dark place once I realized more of the depth of my issues, and how much work was ahead of me. It felt like too much.
But I had to do the work myself to get there, and to respect and love him the way he deserves in turn also- the way we all do.
You speak as if the Avoidant is the nicest ever and infallible, my experience is that I’m a very genuine person, I don’t believe in being fake, I like to be fair to others, I am often selfless, yet this man keeps triggering my FA attachment with threats of abandonment. Am I to ignore my hurt to make him feel safe ? I understand how annoying the anxious are they are just as extreme as the avoidant however avoidants create all the issues , please give advice on how to leave these people in peace and find healthier partners ! My solution is to accept them for who they are and let them go in peace, if they want to be with you they will make some adjustments, life is about balance but you always say we must give give give until we are empty 😢
Same • I felt like I was walking around on eggshells so i didn’t upset him but I had to be genuine, honest + establish my own boundaries in order to respect my own emotional needs. I vowed to myself this time around, i’d be gentle but honest with him + explain why i felt how i did to form a baseline of understanding; I wasn’t intending to come across as insecure but he labeled me as such + he abandoned me because of it anyway… in essence, he punished me for being vulnerable + honest + speaking up for myself + letting him know what i felt was hurtful while giving him the benefit of the doubt. He still rejected me 💔😩
I felt exactly the same. I know the video is about understanding an avoidant person, but how can you be in full control of your emotions and be the "perfect" partner...always (when they would remember evert wrong step)..this seems really one sided.
Saying that, i think it is a great video and an insight of how can you make it work with an avoidant partner. Thank you for the content, Adam.
A relationship is always a two way street and the avoidants have to heal and go through therapy to stay in it or otherwise it is a mother, father/son, daughter relationship.
Well you have the option of cutting your loses and walking away. No contact would likely be best for you so you can move on quicker.
I agree with the other person who suggested to assess what is and ISN’T good for you and walk away. THAT is honestly the only option for me, a former FA who has done 20 years of healing. I will NOT be dragged back by ANYONE. If I see any type of avoidant behavior, I address it straight away and if there is no change or they shut down, I’m done. Complaining about it is pointless. Do the healing work that gets you strong enough to LEAVE.💯
If your FA, you're the same anyway. You even described what he is feeling. "Do I have to ignore my hurt to make him feel safe?" That's his thinking too, everytime you pry, you're activating his defenses, which is to push you away.
But if you really are the only one putting in effort, and you've told him he can't be threatening to leave you, then yes, you should leave him.
Avoidants must put in the work to have a good relationship, it can't be carried all by the other person and still be fulfilling. I have tried working on myself and it has improved. I haven't been in many relationships, it's been years, but I tried improving with my friends. It's taken a very long time actually, probably 8 years. I probably would've improved faster in a relationship.
I see many people saying something as "Why are you on the avoidants' side?" or "They are hurting us as well."(below other videos as well). With that being said, I would put my input to these types of comments, implicitly to this video:
Firstly, thank you so much, Mr. Smith, for your videos! I've discovered you quite recently and yet I can wholeheartedly say that you've changed my life for the better and also you've helped me improved my relationship with my boyfriend. I am anxious and he is avoidant. However, despite our different attachment styles, we want to make it work, even if it is a bit scary for him and for me it feels like my heart could burst in any moment.😂
Secondly, for the people who are criticising the avoidant people, I am glad for you that you know what you do or don't want in your life. I do not want to be patronising nor sarcastic. The only thing I would like to refer to is that Mr. Smith, in the beginning of the video said (I'll paraphrase) "this video is for people who want to understand how to understand the mind of an avoidant". Also, he gave all of us tips on how to recognise the avoidant's characteristics. He didn't say he is on one's side or the other. He simply tries to make us understand where all the pain comes from.
Is the avoidant excused for this behaviour? Absolutely not. Neither the anxious, nor the disorganised. One should seek to become the best version of oneself. For some it is easier to see how to get there, others need more time and even more help from the others.
I suggest everyone to see the other videos that Mr. Smith made and I am sure most of you will see that he is just laying down facts in a gentle yet firm way, neither demonising, nor put anyone on a pedestal.
Lastly, we all need to learn to be sympathetic with others. If the people are toxic for you just do what secure people are doing: leave the toxic environment and go where you thrive.
On another note, I am happy to see debates on comment section! Don't get me wrong. I have my bias like any human; nevertheless I am trying to be fair and try not to put bad intentions on people that are just trying to help.
In conclusion, let's try our best not to generalise people's intencions just because they have a certain attachment style. No one is perfect, we all struggle and we all are trying to become better, so why not help each other out because we are part of a very beautiful race that arguably can also be a community: HUMAN race/community.
One day you will run into a problem. Pregancy, cancer, or some other problem. You run the risk of him dumping you in the hard times when you go with an avoidant. The good times are hard enough for them. If you choose this man, know there is a good chance you will be on your own when the chips are down. Are you prepared for that? Really think about it. Are you?
I know you think I'm mean, but I've seen so many women screwed over by this. They are patient and wait and wait and wait for years. They miss out on having the kids or finding a guy who is a better fit. Or they get pressured into unwanted abortions or become single mothers because contraception is not 100%.
If you are OK with merely being tolerated and frequently looked down on?
You can do everything right, but he still needs to go to therapy to fix it. The chances of that are low unless he is already in therapy.
Do a risk assessment and ask if that is fair to you. Is that what you want?
I am 70% secure and 30% FA. My FA ex cared deeply for me and tried to have a relationship. He couldn't. His fears got the better of him. After expressing his deep feelings three years ago, he began a "slow fade". He finally dumped me for another after four mostly good years together. I understand the attachment style and have no ill feelings towards him. We both loved each other and did our best. If the fears are too strong, there is nothing you can do. It is up to the avoidant person to learn how to deal with those fears.
@@kaitlin8669 I don't think you are mean. I do appreciate the concern, so thank you.
I do feel prepared because it was my choice to choose him which makes things easier for me. He also chooses me everyday. I trust him and he trusts me. We both need to work our individual problems in order to become better people and to enhance our bond. He is my calculated risk.
In addition, we have become a bit better on communicating directly with one another, which has made us feel more relaxed in our relationship. I may sound delusional for others, but I have this inner peace that tells me that, no matter what, it'll be ok. (Well, that because I'm trying to get closer to God as well.)
If it is meant to be, it'll be, if not, at least I have such wonderful experiences with my boyfriend that I wouldn't give them for anything.
For context: my boyfriend is not your typical avoidant, I think. He does have some features of that attachment style but he is mildly avoidant (if it exists, lol).
Anyway, once again. Thank you, truly, for your concern and advice. However, I will choose to fight for our love cause I see him and I see potencial in our relationship.
I wish you all best of luck in finding THE ONE. It is not an easy path but I think true love is worth the risk and worth fighting for.
@@Flufero23 I totally agree with you. That is the reason why I said in my first comment that is up to each of us to become better.
I am scared to lose the ones I loved, but I use my fears to push me further into betterment. We cannot run from our fears forever, so why not take that fear as a motivation to get through it.
I hope you are doing fine. Thank you for your comment!
God bless you!🤗
@@deinayinyanggood luck to you ❤
While the 3 steps make sense, they seem EXHAUSTING for the non-avoidant secure partner.
Why do they seem that way to you?
@@AttachmentAdam I suppose because I’ve been there and done them; and the cycle never stops. The periods of peace may get longer, but the cycle remains.
@@AttachmentAdam It’s exhausting having to constantly walk on eggshells around someone who gets scared off by everything. It’s exhausting being the only doing the work because they are usually unbelievably selfish, even if they don’t mean to be. They’re so focused on self preservation they rarely consider anyone else’s feelings. That’s been my experience
I can't believe the creator of the video asked you WHY they seem exhausting? DUH! that's so condescending. Any secure person who has dealt with an avoidant eventually leaves the situation in due course if the avoidant isn't working on themselves. It's downright exhausting being the person trying to pander to their emotional dysfunction.
@@1984musicmanhe prob has a third party responding to comments on his behalf? 🤷🏼♀️ that seems to be the only logical explanation. Exhausting and an impossible standard I’d add…
I’m letting an avoidant person go. I will not waste my time fantasizing about what we could be if he just allow me to love him, express his feeling etc. It’s depriving both individuals. I have no time for it.
Yes, it deprives both individuals and there's NO guarantee at all that the person will come out of being avoidant (in fact, maybe it could get worse).
Fantasizing and limerence isn't the truth.. it's hard to accept reality..good job getting out.. it's painful though
You nail this subject on point better than anyone has ever explained. Every DA should listen to your vids. Your a blessing
Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement! I'm grateful to hear that you find the content helpful and that it resonates with you. Your support means a lot! ❤️
I do agree. I’ve found his videos easy to understand, succinct, and helpful in increasing my understanding. The issue most people have are not the videos, but the toxicity of intimately dealing with avoidants.
Love as a man doesn’t exist unless you all put together and you are super man with no problems all the knowledge and experience. If you’re not giving you’ll never get a “thank you” “I love you” or even a damn hug.
wow i have used that exact phrase myself
Then how come it's so hard to convince a man that you love him just as he is!
Thankyou goes down well but if you say I love you or show physical affection they run a mile!
@@angelam.e.richardson3501because they know that means you now will go on to expect more & more from them, and many, especially these damaged ones can not live up to that.
They know this even if you don't.
Oh my goodness! Thank you soooo so so much! I was feeling so confused and like there was something I just wasn't getting. This all makes such perfect sense. I think I have a little Anxious mixed with avoidant and I am always risk assessing. I can be calm and I can figure this out. In a new relationship and second guessing everything. Constantly checking and rechecking and wanting to pull away, but this helps.
Thank you so much I love an avoidant man who I pray one day seeks help and until then, I will always try for him.. God bless you and all that you do one day hopefully soon I may need your help. You have most definitely earned a loyal subscriber.❤
I am the same
If they want to be left alone why do they get into a relationship? Why do they date several people jumping from relationship into another one, without any remorse? 😅
@@SK-no2pp I know they want connection but when they are into a relationship they should know better, especially after a few relationships, they should reflect back and see why it didn’t work. They should realise there is something wrong in their behaviour. It’s called conscience.
@@ralucamera6574Well, we all repeat certain deeply ingrained behaviors, when we should know better by now. For example, inevitably falling for men who didn't get quite enough mothering.
Well they like the challenge of the chase and the honeymoon period at the beginning of the relationship and the sex. Anything more than that and they run for the hills
Avoidant people are mentally ill. Don't try and figure out how they think and what they do. Know what you have and decide to leave or stay.
Because they like sex and the dopamine it brings. They don't actually care about human beings.
Yes Adam I think your very on point. I didn't really see my assessing risk constantly until watching this channel. In my youth yes there was nobody to watch my back or to help me mitigate risk. Over time I developed a very deep seated habit of procrastinating and avoiding anything that might present risk, it wasn't just with women it was with life in general. As a result I did not live life, I only existed in an avoidant bubble. Hating life yet feeling powerless to change anything. And yes I abused alcohol and porn and didn't sleep very well. I feel very burned out because balancing risk and avoiding drained me. At 62 years old I dont know if I can recover. Thanks for revealing a huge slice of the puzzle for me.
It doesn't matter what you Want, it only matters what you DO!!! P.S. All Women and Anxious people need Safety more than Anyone and that is 1 thing Avoidants never give their Partner!
I feel safe with him just not reassured but is it is responsibility to make us feel reassured? It would be nice but I know ow I need to learn to self reassure. Every time he doesn’t text back right away I am in my head that I did something wrong. That isn’t normal
@@rachelpalmer5496 reassurance is what makes us feel safe. Ask yourself why you're not sure about him/his feeling for you to the point that you're anxious every time you don't hear from him right away. But blaming yourself and thinking you did something wrong (guilt) sounds like a personal issue to be worked out in therapy.
I understand the early childhood circumstances. I am an anxious attached person working on my stuff and the issues were the same. The only difference is we choose different ways of coping with the same parameters. I appreciate how you break thibgs down and help me understand their language.
After listening to the whole video, I really feel empowered and so much more educated about his experience. I am going to do all the suggestions you made. Especially the contract. And maybe the online community if I can swing it. Gratitude! 🙏
Thank you for this video, Adam! During this video, I had the revelation that the disappointment an avoidant attachment man feels when a woman lets him down is the same level of disappointment an anxious attachment woman feels when he doesn't understand her level and expression of love for him.❤
You're welcome! It's great to hear that the video resonated with you and provided a valuable insight. Understanding these dynamics can be crucial for building healthier relationships. ❤
Adam...this video is amazing.. you are so eloquent and elaborate every point fully and with great clarity. My avoidant man is my twin flame....we have not discussed this and he obviously feels that we have a very special connection but after 14 months of gently handling our platonic flirtation to the point where it felt as if we would naturally become closer, he pulled back after a 3 month enforced separation due to a particular work situation where communication was almost impossible and meeting up absolutely not permitted. Now there are no hugs, no declarations of I love you from him and even some harsh words. I have kept my cool the whole time and never pushed chased or criticised so I m feeling that he is deliberately trying to sabotage the connection. But I can t walk away. I m sure I m the best person and most capable of making him happy. I am very independent and only need a part time relationship, I am capable of being faithful and never hurting him. Any feelings of anger I may have can be handled by some quiet time, a glass of wine and dinner with a girlfriend and he has never known about these occasional lapses on my part. I do have faith but this evening he hugged everyone in the room at the end of the evening but not me. I feel the tears welljng up now I m home and having a little doubt now as I am not happy to be treated so dismissively.
welcome in the world of dating an avoidant, where you have to give yourself and your happiness up for nothing because he will betray you in the end and claim that you are the one that can´t be trusted
This is sad. Please be prepared for him to start a relationship with someone else or even cut you off completely just because he is uncomfortable being vulnerable. Dont be blindsided. Dont revolve your life around making that relationship work. Or you may miss out on marriage, children and other milestones and acheivements. It may be love but it is toxic love at this point and its not personal. My avoidant is still unmarried and childless. Ive been married, had a child and am separated and we still love each other but we are still taking two steps forward and one step back each time we try to progress in our relationship/ friendship. Its a little nuts.
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Adam im so thankful for all your info it hit the nail for me, it surprises me of all the hate or negativity sorrounding the comments people make here. I saw on your video how you mention people make avoidants into villians even though we see through all the cracks of life. The monotony of relationships were you argue and make up after the same issues over and over again is what makes me dislike being in them. I have shown vulnerability at times just to catch people talking bad about me as if I am a weak person, from friends family and colleagues it never fails man and it sucks people are like this. I have developed a hard shell of protection or barrier that if broken is very hard to repair. It seems as if today most dont ever want a real relationships its all surface level focused on what you have or who you hang with or what your social status is or even how you look!! 😢 society has made men and women more avoidant I think because everything seems to be about image and not actual substance where we deal with the real core of the problems.
Oh my gosh! The diamond analogy! So so good! Thank you, Adam 😊
Thank you and glad you liked it! 🙏❤️
Thank you so much for your video.
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you for the help, we really appreciate it.
Happy to help! I appreciate your feedback and support too.
Think of your toaster set on “1”. Your toast will be warm and slightly crunchy everytime it will never take on a nice golden colour or be very hot because its setting is not geared towards that result. The only way to get that golden hot result is to change the setting to a 3 or 4 (requires your effort). However, if the toaster settings are malfunctioning or broken (like a severe DA who isn’t interested in learning and growing and self-reflection) you might not be able to change the result no matter how hard you try to change the setting. It’s the same with your relationship with the DA. Sometimes you have to take your old toaster to a donation bin and get yourself a different one.
Thanks for the video Adam. Coming from THE avoidant man. Cheers.
You're welcome! I'm glad you found the video helpful. If you have any questions, feel free to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com - Cheers to your continued growth and understanding!
So sad to think of what they must be going through. Processing a breakup from an avoidant (I may also be one) and this has been so clarifying/ depressing/liberating to know it’s never personal. ❤
I'm glad you found this helpful. I'm here for you if you need any help or support while you process this breakup.
Thisbis such an eye opener...im going to watch it again and again so it becomes a part of me because i tryly want to creat a safe loving environment
Glad you found this helpful. Feel free to check out my other videos on avoidant attachment and let me know if you need any help.
I’m blown away! I’m a woman and avoidant and was unable to articulate what it was I’ve been looking for. I love predictability and someone more stable with emotions. I keep attracting hysterical, controlling men. I love this. I prefer more avoidant leaning men and some are too avoidant even for my taste but I still respect them and walk away. This is great. Thank you!!
I'm glad to hear that my content resonated with you and provided clarity on what you've been searching for in relationships. It's important to understand your own needs and preferences, and it sounds like you have a clear sense of what works for you.
Thank you for this!! Sounds like the man who pursued me but has become distant has this personality!!
Currently working on an (on again/off again) relationship with a strongly avoidant man. Your advice has been huge for me. Thank you!
Absolutely. Keep doing the work because it gets so much better. You got this!
Adam, this is and amazing info from man’s perspective!! You nailed it❤
Glad it was helpful! Which part stood out the most?
@@AttachmentAdam the way guys process things!! (RISK STRATEGY)! That was an eye opener! That explains absolutely everything! “Captain Safety“ I’m DA myself, but from female side I do troubleshooting.. Not controlling, but staying in control for everyone and self to be safe with win-win situation! However, the risk assessment analogy completely nailed it from different side!! Being on receiving end feels sometimes as being constantly scanned for every blink you do.. and there is a need to learn how to relax around it , because this created backslash (energy sensitive) - I know this man for over 2years, learned lots thru him and almost healed my own DA style! Just like looking in mirror! But I got to like him and not wanting to give up! After what you said, i can see why I get stuck in conversation w him where my throat clamps up completely- Question to you is: how do to get out of this to create more flow…? His risk assessment makes me disassociate and plan escape routes instead of being present and stops flow.. How to stop this co-reaction? Flow is the key!!
thanks a lot, this video made me understand so many things I didn't ❤❤❤
I'm thrilled to hear it was helpful! ❤❤
An eye opener.
Glad you found it enlightening! What aspect stood out to you the most?
Thank-you ❤️
Appreciate you! ❤️
You hit the nail on the head with most of it and in most instances! I feel like some avoidant men (me in particular) might just be selfish though. I’ve had and lost a very loving family and after years of learning to be on my own I just prefer that lifestyle. My girlfriend struggles because she wants to give me that diamond you spoke of. And I know its value, but I value my peace and solitude more. She’s a good woman so I try for her sake to be a good partner and maybe in the future I’ll value that diamond more. But it’s hard when you can’t see the problem with being avoidant. She knows how I feel and is determined to stay with me. I wish I had it in me to want what she wants. She deserves that much. Great video.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I appreciate that. What if you could have your peace and space while also being secure and helping your girlfriend feel more secure in your relationship?
Loving this man has been the greatest privilege of my life. I am a changed woman because of him. I will fight to my bare bones for this to work and if it never works, I will still be greater than I was before
Love your videos... I dont agree with everything, however it is very informative.. thank you xxx
Thank you so much, I appreciate your feedback. What content would you like to see more of?
I am deffo more secure, then how I used to be. But omg there's so much hate towards avoidents.. had two people telling me how low life we/I am as I am a FA.
As a female, the world is full of tinder, dating apps for online.
I find nowadays it's a tick box criteria, I personally would rather stay single, grow my self.
Avoidants are widely misunderstood and stigmatized for sure. I'm happy to hear you were able to work on your attachment issues to become more securely attached. What has helped you do that and grow?
@AttachmentAdam training to be a counsellor, as you know it's not a easy trip in the awareness you have to have.. hardest trip but worth it.
This video is spot on
I'm glad you found the video helpful! What resonated with you the most?
such exceptional DTE insight seriously
Thanks, I'm glad you found this useful!
I stg the more information i learn about attachment, the more i understand certain behaviors and they puzzle piece together like "wohhhhh!". What's gnarly is I feel like I'm pretty hyper vigilant (stupid attuned to body language, what they say, how they say it, mannerisms, potential danger) but there were several times my avoidant caught on to sketchy individuals or situations I was completely oblivious to. It makes sense with that risk calculation mindset tho! 🤯
ThankU for this compassion. Avoidant=yours truly. Got so bad i resigned from dating, 2007. I can't pairbond. A friend recently urged me to consider trying again. Anxiety shot through the roof immediately. Can't do it. Glad I'm old
Absolutely, it's never too late to explore new possibilities. I admire your honesty. If you ever need guidance along the way, please feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com. Wishing you strength and clarity on your journey!
Hello, Adam! Really love your videos, they've been truly insightful and have helped me better understand the people around me. Thanks for all the work you're doing!
You've been discussing the avoidant attachment a lot lately, and in some of the videos you also briefly mentioned the disorganized attachment style and how it's more complicated to fix it compared to fixing the avoidant attachment. There's a person in my life that I think has the disorganized attachment, and I think your videos could be really helpful. But I don't know whether just telling them all the stuff related to the avoidant attachment would be a wise decision (since it's more complicated, as you said). I'd like to kindly ask you to make a couple or a few videos regarding the disorganized attachment and how to approach fixing it. Whether the advice you gave in your avoidant attachment-related videos is going to be helpful to the disorganized one or if it's going to have no effect or even do harm. I think that the disorganized style is also the most dismissed one in the community, and your videos could help shed more light on it. Thank you in advance!
Hey there. Thank you so much for the feedback and suggestion, I will definitely keep this in mind for upcoming videos so stay tuned.
About 20 years ago I was diagnosed with BPD and anxious attachment with avoidant behavior as well. I am just starting to open up to healing because when I read my diagnosis it always made me feel bad that I could never be normal. So I ignored them, and now that I've ended an 8 year relationship, and am trying to fix myself to be ready for the next and realized my partner helped my BPD but everything else not really . I require a lot of space and time from everyone and I thought it was cause I'm just an introvert, but I feel me and at peace without judgement by myself. I am very self conscious and very alert and highly emotional but can feel so empty. Listening to your videos helps me figure out how to get out of my own mind to see what I need to do next.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's truly inspiring. It's completely understandable that being diagnosed with BPD and having complex attachment styles might have felt overwhelming at first. Regarding your need for time alone, how can you communicate your need for space and time in a healthy way?
@@AttachmentAdam thank you so much for responding, I usually am honest and will communicate it a lot of times too I shut down invitation to things, I make excuses to not leave the house. Isolation is my thing. I 🤔 think I need less space and time???
I've been thinking about what I want in a relationship and this nailed it.
Glad you found that this resonates. Do you think you'd be able to communicate those needs and wants to your partner?
We both had childhood trauma..we were friends with benefits for over a year..I needed to move forward and define what we were and that I wanted more of a commitment.. Not marriage, not moving in..just a validation I was more than a sexual relationship a label of being his girlfriend.. He ran blocked and of course I chased..I had no clue why till I found u..I knew I had trauma and had some form of commitment issues and so did he..I just didn't understand how deep it was. I knew his issues were deep because when I first met him he could not stand me touching him I could feel him pulling back. Its been 3 months since we've phyically been together and im finally abel to climb out if the depression. I do hope he will come back, but im sure we both did damage..i wish id found you sooner and reconized my attachment issues. Thank you PS fearful avoidant
“Take ownership of your emotional discipline” - I get it, but I think the way they handle things would dysregulate even the most steady and secure a person. It makes no logical sense to a secure attacher who is comfortable with their emotions and WANTS deep, vulnerable relationships to pull back/disappear when things are at their best.
I don't disagree. The goal however, is for both partners to steer towards secure attachment. The famous push/pull dynamic typically happens in an anxious-avoidant relationship where both partners feel like they have unmet needs. Have you ever been in a similar situation?
Absolutely 😩 I healed, while the avoidant I love....continued to avoid 😂
The situation with him was painful but such a valuable lesson.
Avoidance explains running hot and cold. Totally resonated and explained this to me in a sense I completely understand
I dated a precious guy who had a lot of childhood trauma and avoidant attachment (not sure if it was fearful or dismissive) he used dating apps as a back up plan for distancing and I found him on their twice, which I ended things on the second finding. Great advice ! I see things I did wrong in our dynamic . If only I knew these things earlier we could have avoided these pitfalls .
Seeking to understand
I talked my avoidant partner into watching this video. He walked away with the idea that I have to fix myself and my own behaviors and there's nothing he needs to do for me. Adam, do you have a video for him that explains how he needs to comfort and encourage me sometimes?
Yes, I was wondering where his video is speaking TO avoidants rather than just about avoidants.
Anxious attachment can also be hyper vigilant. Me for example. Not sure why I am but I can feel the “energy” of a room even before I see people. I remember when I was a dental hygienist I could walk into work and feel the tension before I saw anyone and I already knew that my boss wasn’t in a bad mood and I was always right.
I try to distract my need for relationships with work or i try to find some other obsession to get through life
I'm going through this right now with my avoidance love to hear more on this
“You’re a dream girl.” That’s what this man has told me several times. I ask myself, whose “dream girl”?
I just want a peaceful, loving relationship with some who wants the same, wants me and shows it in action
Like the thought pattern goes,
“Action speaks louder than words could ever be!”
That's exactly how avoidant men prefer to show their love and affection, which makes what he tells you make sense. Avoidant men are uncomfortable with vulnerable conversations or expressing their emotions through words. They prefer to show their love through actions. Does this help?
Exactly.. My FA ex began the slow fade after expressing deep feelings for me. He eventually monkey branched to another partly aided by her family. The new love is possible a victim of narcissistic abuse from what he told me. He had planned to keep me as a friend and date to "see where it goes". Nope. I let him go without a tear. No questions, no anger, no complaints. I wished him well and let him go. NC forever. Knowing nothing of attachment styles, I thought he just wasn't interested. We were together four years in a mostly good, harmonious relationship. I guess he needed something new and different. It's been nine months now since the breakup. I have no idea of his life. I have mostly healed and am moving forward with my life. It was too exhausting for me, even though I am 70% secure and 30% FA myself. That said, I still have love for him, and have my moments of sadness. I wish I had found your channel early in the relationship.
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you've navigated a very challenging situation with strength and grace. How have you been focusing on your own well-being and growth since the breakup?
This is so true, and valuable information! Thank you! For me it's easy to understand how an avoidant feels and why he acts like he does (even though it still makes me feel rejected and insecure) because I'm avoidant with other people but with this one avoidant man I'm suddenly anxiously attached... Is that normal? 😅 Anyway, I'm now trying to fix my own attachment to become a secure person and to be able to offer him secure love and relationship. Your content is super helpful! 🙏
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your feedback. I'd love to hear more about how you've become more anxiously attached, only to your partner?
@@AttachmentAdam I have no idea... 🙈😅 I don't trust people and I've always kept everyone at arms length. Because of my fear of abandonment and rejection I've never really told people what I think or how I feel, I don't let anyone close to me. I handle everything on my own because I believe I am the only one 'who gets the job done and who I can trust'. I see no reason to open up to anyone.
This behaviour is like a precaution and a fundamental assumption in my life all the time with everyone else except with him. For some reason, this man evokes deep feelings in me, really triggers my fears, and I react to him totally differently. Just hearing his voice makes me feel all warm and mushy inside. 🤭 I want to talk to him about everything, share my feelings, and understand his thoughts and emotions. I WANT to be vulnerable and open, even though it's incredibly hard and scary. I have no reasonable explanation for it, I've never acted this way with anyone else.
But everything happens for a reason, and every person comes into your life for a reason, so clearly he's here to help me confront and heal my fears if nothing else.
@@viiiviivyou are prob fearful avoidant (aka disorganized) you can live in your avoidant side until you meet an avoidant partner and they will bring out your anxious side
I see a lot of comments saying "but they're the problem, why do I have to fix it?" I think it's fair to have that thought, as you are not this person's parent or therapist. However, if you have gotten to the point that an avoidant person is somewhat pursuing a relationship with you, there's a good chance that they want to work on their problem as well.
As someone who has known they have an avoidant style for years but has not known all of the underlying mechanisms explained in this video, I had an emotional reaction to feeling understood, and gained a sense that I can use the information here to help myself feel secure in future relationships. If you value this person you're having troubles with, try showing them this video. Maybe watch with them, maybe discuss it with them afterwards. It should help them acknowledge their problems better, and if they see that you're making an informed approach to understanding them, they should feel much safer in addressing those problems. Of course, they may not have the capacity to make those necessary changes afterwards, but this is a small task that brings turns it into a team effort.
So frustrating. If avoidant men expect other people to betray their trust and they are deathly afraid of it happening to them, why do they betray their own loyal partner repeatedly?
this “risk assessment” thing youre saying… it is scarily accurate to my experience all of my friendships and possible relationships
the dopamine vs oxytocin thing also is very true to my experiences. god this is very helpful but this sucks also at the same time. thank you
this is exactly what i would need in a relationship.
Glad you're finding this helpful and that it resonates! How are you going to use this info in your friendships and relationships?
The other behaviour for dopamine is workaholism with dopamine hits with making a sale or solving a problem.
Ok great, so they're terrified of all the people that could hurt them (Murphy's law in action), but what about the hurt they cause to other people? Completely blind to the impact of their actions huh? I mean how do you deal with that, I know you say it's unfair to call them men-children but that's just the truth. All I am constantly thinking is PLEASE just man up and take a little discomfort, why do I have to take your hand and guide you and protect you in every step. I mean, really, what do you say to that? Why defend them for wanting to live in their bubble instead of just manning up like most adults would do? Why do they claim in the beginning that they are looking for exactly the same things they're so terrified of, and when you give them to them they just run and leave you high and dry? wouldn't you feel duped even as a very secure person?
As a very secure person, you don't invest what you aren't willing to lose until you see consistent return on your investment. I have learned some people are only in our life for a season. But a precious few are in our life for life.
I understand that's not the answer you want. It wasn't the answer I wanted either, but it has proven to be true. Find the lesson in every heartbreak and even heartbreak can be bittersweet. It makes you a safer person and one willing to walk away if the investment is not being returned so you only settle for safe people in your own life.
When people take in an animal that has been abused, they go into it knowing that there will be more work involved, and it won't be as easy. They don't kick the dog when it gets scared, they don't punish the cat when it runs away. You clearly aren't suitable for a DA.
@Lord_of_Dread While I agree with your logic, I feel self empowerment and accountability is lacking in that statement. This particular commenter may not be suitable for a DA, but that doesn't absolve the DA of doing their own self work and healing so they don't do more harm to others. A DA is not a rescue animal and we are not here to be their savior. They are an autonomous human being with their own power to change. Any addiction counselor or sponsor will tell you that they must invest in themselves, They should not expect anyone to walk on eggshells around them. The risk is high when it comes to love but the rewards are also high. They have to be willing to choose the risk if they want the reward.
They don't know what real love feels like.
All they know is every time they've needed to rely on someone for it, especially as young children at their most vulnerable, they have been abandoned and forced to deal with everything on their own.
That rewires your brain.
Babies literally need their parents in order to survive, being neglected is an existential horror beyond anything an adult can consciously comprehend.
It is forced and brutal internal independence that expands into external independence as well when they get older. Chances are they may have tried multiple times to connect with friends, lovers, community, etc as they grew and circumstances just repeated when they thought they finally trusted someone.
So they remove themselves from the threat of trusting you because they know how that goes. You'll be there until they let their guard down and allow themselves to rely on someone else for something, and then you will act like you owe them nothing, and they will leave you in the dust for tricking and betraying them, and they will hate themselves for letting it happen again.
Doesn't matter if you think you wouldn't treat them like that, that's how they've been treated every time "love and trust" have been on the table.
If you don't want to deal with someone that fundamentally broken, who could blame you?
It is great that you can see through your eyes. But see how you work. Then you will have compassion.
" the girl s love tank has holes and is aways empty. He thought he could fill the tank but it made the holes bigger. Now it is a masive black hole. He might feel duped."
Try to flip every story and change roles. You will see bout feels unworthy un able.
We try to give give give
Then we say fuck it
I am doing it alone
That is relatable...
I hope
Take care
I'm a Fearfull avoidant was in a short relationship with a Dismissive avoidant. It was extremely painful when he sabotaged our relationship, but honestly now watching this videos makes me understand a lot plus it rings a lot of bells because I'm an avoidant after all. So much similarities
It’s great to hear that the videos are helping you gain insight into your experiences. Relationships between different types of avoidant attachment can be challenging, as both partners struggle with similar issues in different ways.
What steps are you considering to better understand and address your own attachment style to foster healthier relationships in the future?
Thank you for this informative and helpful video. What do you recommend if dealing with an Avoidant that does not like questions?
You're so welcome, I'm happy to hear it helped. What type of questions does he not like? Questions about their life, or things they've done, or something else?
@@AttachmentAdam I guess just basic questions about his day, sprinkled in with life questions or just asking questions gauging why the day was stressful. Thank you for your reply and guidance!
Hi Adam! Could you please do a video on signs avoidant man really cares about you and want to work on the relationship? Severe avoidants are really hard but I'm willing to work with the ones who want to get out of being avoidant. They need to give us something to work with too. Can't help people who shut us out. No one should ever pursue a 0-100 type relationship.
How can someone know if the effort to gain trust is worth the time and effort? It’s like being doomed. He doesn’t answer questions
I encourage you to send me an email at support@adamlanesmith.com so we can talk more in depth about your relationship and find tailored, practical solutions together.
Danke!
Danke, ich schätze dich!
Learning about all these different personalities types lacks one thing, self-reflection.
I have run into so many different personalities, spent months and even years trying to be patient and work with them. Just to find out they are unwilling to change themselves.
This knowledge Into the deeper psychology of many individuals is valuable for the few who are willing to adapt. But detrimental on the grand scale as most will use this a justification for their actions/behavior so as never change. As humanity on mass loves comfortability and what better then someone who can explain why they behave/think a certain way, give it a label and then put the responsibility on other people to "help them" or "show them love".
Modern psychology sounds loving, but it's actually the complete opposite. If you loved someone, you would help them address the route issue and if they don't want to address it. You leave
I'd love to see a video on how to build a pre-nup with good faith clauses. What does this mean? What does this look like? Are there counsellors who can help couples understand their mutual needs and how to put that into a relationship contract?
As an avoidant man, this was spot on. Word for word
Thank you for sharing that, I'm happy to hear this resonates. It takes a lot of self-awareness to recognize these patterns in yourself. What steps are you taking to work on your attachment style?
@@AttachmentAdamI try to not assess everything on risk assessment although it feels like I’m going against everything I am to do that. I have spoken to people over the years and it helped in a big way. I had a serious relationship too, which was good for me because she was open to listen and be patient and due to that, I had learnt how to connect with her in the way she wanted, and she learnt that when I do acts of service is how I show her I love her. In the end, they always end up leaving and now I am better for having learnt with her, but emotionally unavailable because I feel like love is just unattainable at this point. Like I said, you hit the nail on the head because I took a risk opening up, and she proved to be just like the rest. It’s just all around disappointing and it’s hard to be optimistic about love anymore.
What I’m saying is, I learnt how to connect with someone should I be in that position again, but I’m not expecting that to happen.
It’s not that hard to change for someone you say you love!💔
It also hurts when a person holds things over your head, ignores you for months on end, until a year or more passes and with no communication you are expected to just put things together on your own. Put the relationship together on your own. Its also not "fair" when they do not take responsibility for their actions and instead dump all the problems on you or deflect. This is avoiding problem solving, or conflict resolution.
No matter how I voice something small that is said or done that doesn't feel nice for me he labels it as drama and me being sensitive. Also goes from saying he misses me and loves me one week to he hasn't missed me and feels better alone the next. I give lots of space. I ask. I listen. But basic healthy relationship needs to stay in a healthy balance of comms and talk on things and be able to disagree at times he feels is wrong, not necessary and impossible. He says he won't change. That he doesnt have anything to change. Finding something as a middle ground as I put it doesn't work. I get told then I make him feel rubbish, insecure, unhappy then he breaks up with me a week after talking about the future. For someone who has done a lot of self work over the years it's heartbreaking to see and feel this dynamic of someone not seeming to be able to step in one bit. I'm out for good
Thank you for sharing your story and experience. It seems like you've tried a lot of different approaches without seeing the results you expected. What communication techniques have you tried using to express your needs and emotions?
I was on vaccation in his country,with the man i‘m in a situationship…..when i left and we where driving to the airport (he stayed there) he was sending weird vibes and we kind of got into a argument…..he took acountability after i said,that i get the feeling,he‘s acting this way,because its then easier for him to say goodbye🙄good thing i see through such behavior….a few years ago it would have destroyed me💔i‘m grateful i know my worth🙏🏼
Why aren’t there videos for the avoidants to actually get over their fear? Why do people around them have to cater to their fear all the time? It’s not like other people don’t have fear also.
AMEN!!!!!!!!!
Honestly though this is exhausting. What’s the benefit to the partner? Totally a one sided relationship
People around them don't have to do shit and they don't expect you to.
@@bigol9223Yea, they'll just run away and everything will be better right?
@@laceyloops nope nothing will get better.
Define love..
So we are supposed to go overboard and walk on eggshells to not even have them be willing to commit or give reassurance back? Sounds like too much investment and work for too little return. No wonder no one is dating.
No. This video explains why DAs are the way we are. What you are supposed to do is up to you. No-one is making you do anything.
I am scanning as a Anxious Attachment..
Simply put : some men are gifted to foreknowledge whether or not " a connection will go the distance!?!. with just minimal interaction with a woman.
I am a 23M with schizoid personality disorder but I believe I have a secure attachment style with avoidant relapses. This video sounds like me.
This sounds like my ex. He was diagnosed with BPD, but he was also narcissistically abusive. He's in his 40s and still replaying his victim story from childhood as his reason i should excuse his abusive behaviour....
I truly believed i was the person who could love him and help support him in dealing. Until the abuse escalated to physical.
I was also avoidant but deeply longed for connection, so i did a heap of work. Clearly not enough work to choose a good partner, though.
So, after that relationship blew up with a fist in my face, i have done more self work and think I'd actually choose a good partner now.
Sometimes these avoidant types are very dangerous men. Be careful if you are a woman who thinks she can love him into wholeness. Make sure he is not an abuser. And know that you cannot save him.
It's certainly to understanding us avoidant men ,would help if the women would chose to listen to your words an not jest react with hoistlty.
My partner of three years and I are both avoidant but I did the work on myself while single for many years before we met. I have hung in there but have now stated that I want a relationship that allows me to explore my new awareness. However my partner has no insight whatsoever and pulled away terrified. There is much to glean from your videos to join the dots for us both but can you do a specific video on how two avoidants can support each other please? Be brave!
I think I'm already doing a lot of this stuff. Thanks for always giving me hope in my relationship with a sweet avoidant man.
Question: What does it mean when an avoidant says "I might already be in love with you." ?
We were talking about the future and I had said, "Well hopefully you'll be in love with me by then and that wont happen."
I'm glad to hear that you find hope in your relationship with your avoidant partner! It sounds like you're navigating it with care. If you need further guidance or resources, feel free to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com. Let's find the perfect resources for you and get the right answers together.