Anxious and Avoidant Attachment in Relationships Explained
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- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
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Welcome to my channel! I'm Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist with over 15 years of experience in psychology and relationships. In today's video, I will reveal the key reason why 98% of dating relationships fail and how you can ensure your relationship is among the successful 2%. With my extensive background as a couples therapist and relationship coach, I've developed a proven system to address and fix relationship issues.
In this video, we dive into one of the most common and destructive relationship dynamics: the pairing of anxious attachment styles with avoidant attachment styles. You'll learn:
What is Attachment Theory?
The foundation of how we connect with caregivers as children and how it impacts our adult relationships.
Anxious Attachment Style:
Characteristics, behaviors, and the underlying fear of abandonment.
The spectrum from nurturing to toxic anxious attachment.
Benefits and risks they bring into relationships.
Avoidant Attachment Style:
Characteristics, behaviors, and the underlying belief in the unreliability of others.
The spectrum from ethical to manipulative avoidant attachment.
Benefits and risks they bring into relationships.
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap:
The painful cycle of chasing and running that characterizes these relationships.
The impact on both partners and potential long-term consequences.
Path to Healing:
How both anxious and avoidant partners can become securely attached.
The steps to building a fulfilling and secure relationship together.
Importance of willingness and mutual desire for change.
Exclusive Resources
Don't miss out on exclusive tips, strategies, and special offers! Sign up for my free newsletter by clicking the link below. Get practical advice delivered straight to your inbox to help you build a strong, healthy, and loving relationship.
Next Steps
Be sure to watch the follow-up video, "Can Anxious Avoidant Relationships Actually Work?" where I go even deeper into the dynamics and provide actionable steps to improve your relationship.
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give this video on avoidant attachment a watch: • Can Avoidant Men ever ...
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - The Number One Reason Relationships Fail
00:02:25 - Breakdown of Attachment Relationships
00:04:45 - Anxiously Attached People: Needs and Risks
00:06:52 - Lone Wolf Syndrome and Ethical Avoidance
00:09:10 - The Risks of Avoidant Attachment Styles in Relationships
00:11:27 - The Anxious-Avoidant Cycle
00:13:43 - The Ineffectiveness of Traditional Couples Therapy
00:16:02 - Healing Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
00:18:28 - Willingness to Make Changes in Relationships
00:20:54 - See You There
This was 100% our relationship. How sad. I wish I could turn back the clock with this information.
I have this info just over a year in. It makes me so sad that he will just keep repeating this cycle forever if I’m unsuccessful in convincing him to work on it with me. I don’t want to “fix” him or change him I just want to help him help himself and co-regulate in a healthy way. He said he does want to mature and grow with me so hopefully he means it. I was always fairly secure but his avoidance just threw me head first off an anxious cliff. Worst case scenario, the excruciating pain has prompted me to work on my attachment so even if we don’t last I’ll have grown as a person. God I hope we can just get through this though! Most women won’t be as patient as I am, they’ll want revenge, that’s why his ex cheated compulsively I’m realizing (not that there is any excuse for cheating).
Man, me too
Me too
@@KaylaNoelle1 I’m in exactly the same boat right now! And I feel exactly the same as you! Except I’m about a year and a half in and we were engaged up until about a week ago. It’s so painful to have your dreams just ripped away with no warning. I will pray for your success. ❤️
I don’t want to hurt you. I can’t give you what you need. Translation: I will hurt you by refusing to give you what you need. I will stop responding, ghost you and then come back, because I know your anxiety seeks my attention. I keep you captive, I don’t end things, keep you dangling, caring for me, anxious about how I’m doing, all the while I know I’m hurting you, leading you along. There’s a fine line between these people and narcissists. Both are very selfish as well as toxic, to those who have a caring heart. The difference being, the avoidant who loves you may eventually trust you enough to want to change, to keep from losing you forever. The narcissist doesn’t care if you leave. Not really. You have to be careful. That’s why making your needs and boundaries clear is so important. It will sort things out and show you who is who.
The narcissistic will care when you leave because you are hurting his image and emancipating from his control
Both types have suppressed their hurt being wounded, damaged, scared, dysfunctional people. Forgiveness is a powerful act of love that even science can see its biological affects within the body. One day the anxious avoidant sees truth that they are not hurt because of the other avoidants lack of giving - but their giving is their loving nature which is a state of being and in doing so they become unconditional loving (not hurt so much when it ends because the truth is the avoidant is soooo hurt and it’s their challenge to change and the anxious type can change themselves and not making it about transactional love in an expected way for awhile, - because they can fill their own bucket up ) … through the loving process the avoidant can learn about love and what it really means - altruistic, service to others, kindness, compassion and empathy for the struggles of others rather than harsh attacks for not performing a certain way. Maybe it is the way an avoidant can experience a new type of love and consequently new hormones ie oxytocin, Seratonin etc… I think it is the process through relationship for both to move to secure attachment that Adam has been hinting at in his videos. We could heal each other and the world would be a better place for all through individual healing.
Well, if the avoidants exhibit narcissistic tendencies, then the anxious exhibit masochistic tendencies, because in your writing you completely ignored the autonomy of the anxious attached person. Why should they wait for the other to end it? If the avoidant is being distant and ghosting, and that is not what the anxious person wants, the onus is also on them to break away and find a new partner, but they don't, because there is something familiar and slightly pleasurable about the pain of not knowing if you are being abandoned or not. Just a thought.
My husband promised me 3 simple things, it's been 9 years and every anniversary he refuses to do those promises, he instead ruins the moment and stomps off, I'm tired of waiting, it's simple, costs NO money yet he can't and rather ruin the relationship than actually fulfill a small simple promise
I am crazy about an avoidant and I am an anxious trying to recover to be a better partner because I am aware I am my own worst enemy! Now! This man has so much potential! He’s everything I have prayed for! He’s a good man and he’s done loving things for me BUT he pulls back from time to time and it freaks me out but I know better then to Chase..now
When you say things like "he has so much potential," how do you think that comes off as?
I did everything that was suggested to do to have a loving relationship with an avoidant...respected his need for independence and space, and he still cheated and monkey branched immediately.
This is the best ... the best ... exolanation of what is going on in my life and in the lives of many people I know.
Thank you for recognizing all of this and trying to help resolve these problems that take lives from so many people. Thank you!
I'm glad to hear that the explanation resonates with you and is helpful. Absolutely happy to help!
I’ve gotten better at not chasing and allowing him to
Have space to sort everything out. We aren’t in a relationship but man we have a lot in common and have good communication and fun! He’s just fun! When he’s not running away that is..😉and in recent past I have been guilty of chasing him so I think it’s trust we are trying to build. I have been using the conversation methods advised by Adam and he responds! It’s been awesome!
I love the sub categories for each attachment style vs one or the other being demonized. I’m an anxious preoccupied leaning towards secure and my male partner is a dismissive avoidant. I’ve seen the avoidant attachment styles demonized and anxious labeled as toxic to men in general. So I think the sub categories are GREAT!!
I can’t even describe how I was waiting for this episode to drop!!!
I appreciate your support. Which part resonated the most with you?
Maybe you've already done this. But I'd love to watch a video on the difference between toxic and nurturing anxious styles.
I feel this! Gets me emotionally invested then yanks the rug out from underneath me! It hurts a lot! But he doesn’t mean too much
Love your honesty about the relationship between anxious and avoidant having children and the outcome of such union.. Good to hear your solutions of hope for such couples after getting therapy prior to having kids. ❤
Thank you, I appreciate your feedback. It's important to be aware of the consequences, because sometimes that's the drive you need to make a change. I'm happy to hear that the solutions provide hope and reassurance! Is this a relationship dynamic you've personally experienced?
This has been a lot of eye opening information. But i would LOVE a video like this, but focusing on two avoidant people together and how we can help each other become secure, or how to get past my partners resistance while also working on my own attachment. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this suggestion. I will definitely make a point of this in upcoming content, so stay tuned!
If one has cptsd and a sensitive nervous system and hormone issues how does one regulate their emotions, especially woman where it's highly correlated those that have adhd have pmdd or pme. Learning about hormones one who has pmdd has estrogen dominance which lowers dopamine even more raises oxytocin which exacerbates emotional oversensitivity.
I know what you mean
I think our low dopamine attracts the Avoidant (high dopamine low oxytocin). So it's literally opposite hormone profiles
@@hspinnovators5516 yeah hard to find balance when your are so sensitive to even perceived rejection. I notice even the smallest changes in a person or environment.
How about if things got worse through the years because avoiding partner got worse, like pulled away, more stopped with the affection and that the other partner is not anxiously attached, but anxiously reacts due to the worsening behavior of the avoidant person
When an avoidant partner withdraws more, it's true that it can trigger anxious reactions in the other partner. If that partner is secure, they'll realize that it's important to speak clearly and address these patterns together. Is this something you're experiencing?
This is something that has just happened to me. I’m definitely trying to figure it out.
This spoke to me on so many levels. Thank you so much, Adam, for the clarity and guidance you keep providing!
Happy to help!
This is so accurate and valuable! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. You're literally changing lives🌟 🙏
You are so welcome, I'm happy to hear that!
I have been looking for a sign and a video about this. I have done my research for about a year now on anxious and avoidant attachment styles. That is my bf and I, and my biggest thing is he is so dismissive and shuts down if I try to communicate about our relationship. He is immature and thinks that me trying to communicate and work on things is nagging. Idk what to do anymore or how to go about it. I love him more than anything and it breaks my heart.
It sounds like you're committed to understanding and improving your relationship, which is a great first step. I encourage you to directly reach me through support@adamlanesmith.com and I'll share effective communication techniques that he will understand so you can finally have deeper conversations and connection.
My avoidiant crush is teaching me and doesn’t even know it 😀
What have you learned so far?
Yesss!! I’ve learned so much!! My experience has made me more secure 😅
Even a secure person could become extremely anxious if they are in a situationship with a dismissive or a fearful avoidant. They do have the power to knock you off balance. Thus, if you are already anxious, get out now, in case the avoidant isn't willing to do the work with you. They will drive you crazy. Find yourself a secure one for an intimate relationship. It may sound boring to you at first, but, believe me, it is not! After a while, you will undersrand what you have been missing all these looong looong years of receiving breadcrumbs. ❤ Tme is not indefinite. Time is a gift. DO NOT waste it. Give the avoidant the chance to be with you with a specific time-frame. 2-3 months? Then, to speak their language, go invest somewhere else...with a lower risk of failing😅
I need to hear the backstory to that, and tell me your experience with avoidant men.
So basically you mean - Find yourself a secure one and destroy his life with your anxious issues?
Oh God, this is definitely me. Thx for the help Adam!
Absolutely. Happy to help!
Wonderful explanation, thank you!
Oh my! This is very us!! Nurturing anxious with an ethical avoidant guy😢
What are conversation methods? Would love to know that. Please. Thank you all. Thank you Adam. So glad to see you talked about this. I subscribed and liked. 😅
Thank you Adam, you're a true gentleman and a scholar 🙏
I appreciate that!
I believe everything you are saying. Now that I am working on getting healthy and trying to speak to him in ways he hears best it has really improved our relationship. I have caused some mistrust by chasing him in the past! It’s only the grace of God he hasn’t completely run for the hills!
I'm happy to hear you're actively doing the work to and that you're aware of the patterns that don't serve you or your relationship. What changes have you noticed in your relationship since you started this new approach?
Hey there Adam! Always excited for another upload! Got a question for you, are you looking for any artists or designers for your videos? I’ve worked with a psychology company once before and was curious if you had any openings as I seriously love your work
I truly appreciate your interest and enthusiasm! Please send your work to @theiwishyouknewpodcast on Instagram and someone from my team will get in touch with you. Thank you.
@@AttachmentAdam Alrighty thank you so much!
Day 3 trying to watch this. As a female anxious with PTSD (thanks ex-husband!), heavy ADHD.... I struggle to get past that 5 minute mark! But I'm passed it finally.
I think I'm the nurturing attachment. I'm LEARNING to communicate. My mom's parents fought and screamed for years, they all escaped WW2 in Germany so there are issues from that. My dad grew up in a foster family that was super poor and his birth mom would pop in occasion to speak evil words to him. I would cling and beg for what I needed but couldn't communicate what I needed for a LONG time. Only the last couple years have I been able to do more. I broke my own heart for a long time because I couldn't get what I needed, couldn't SAY what I needed, and no one knew how to handle me - and I felt worse than the crud on peoples' shoes and worth nothing.
And for 11:50 - YES. It SUCKS and it's why my current partner and I didn't stay together 20 years ago. Now? We're slowly seeing what might happen, and if we CAN be the person the other needs and wants. I'm learning my own fixes, and he himself has fixed a lot of his issues and is honestly open and able to communicate with me too. Because I'm communicating with him in ways he understands as an avoidant, we are able to figure out what I need and what he needs.
Now he's pushing a bit hard on a couple things.... My kids and I need to move out of our house where we have memories of evil from my ex husband. We are stagnant on that push right now, and my partner has taken it on himself to say "hey I'm going to go do this for you!" and my teen and I are deer-in-headlights anxious now but grateful for the help. My partner knows that I can't have any close interactions in this house, so I THINK he's communicating that he wants to help get me out of here so we can actually see if this is going to work for both us, our shared child, and my younger son.
One day at a time. For the rest of this month, PTSD freak outs from history issues. But after that I know I have a great shot to be the person I need to be and maybe.... just MAYBE reconnect fully with a man I've loved since I was 14.
Love this! Subscribing 🎉
Thank you so much, I appreciate your support!
Impressively well organized. I'll be diving into your material. I'm probably going to translate this into Portuguese.
Thank you so much for this wonderful feedback. Feel free to reach out if you need help or support.
Will the update be included on like a psychological board of like conceptual update excepted as psychological reality or it's just gonna be like your variation?
Hi Adam Lane Smith,
I just wanted to tell you how grateful I am for you uploading these videos about avoidant attachment. Especially the one about the risk-managment-talk helped me soooo much and it was amazing to see how right you were!
I just have one question left: What is your opinion on going no contact on an avoidant men? We spoke about our relationship status in his language the other day (he wants friendship but I want more) and I told him to take a break from communication for 2 weeks and to come back if he made up his mind about getting into a relationship with me. Was that a good or bad move?
Wishing you all the very best.
I can share from my own experience. I listened to Adam’s video, applied exactly what he recommended with my dismissive avoidant bf and went no contact since last Saturday. He just came back today morning checking in, we talked a bit then he agreed to work on his attachment. I gonna give us another try but I can confirm that Adam’s advice works ❤
How do we sugn up for the free newsletter? I have already been more educated by this site than ANY OTHER source of info, but am on a limited budget. Would love to receive your newsletter. THANK YOU, Adam, for your tremendously helpful "ministry"!
I'm both of these, how screwed am I?
This is called disorganized attachment, and I'm going to upload a video about it very soon. Stay tuned.
@@AttachmentAdam I cannot wait! Now in my situation you take the anxious attachment person and throw in high functioning autism and OCD, and with the avoidant/anxious and add a history of PTSD from long term childhood sexual abuse. It gets more confusing when you consider the individual counseling and marriage counseling we’ve gone through in the last 10 years. I don’t know which way is up. Now the thing I always would rely on (sex) isn’t doing the trick to give me dopamine anymore. Do I bother with a sex therapist?
How about if your partner doesn't like answer you to even be able to have these kinds of like conversations of solution based how do you do that?
I honestly don’t know what my needs are in a relationship as an anxiously attached? I guess security and safety? But is that too vague?
Certainty, predictability? Words of affirmation or non sexual touch? Those are common
Which link is the one to sign up for the newsletter please? Thank you
Being as we aren’t in a relationship I am willing to work on me for ME! As we get to know each other deeper and better then I will tell him what I discovered about me and hopefully can bring him to you..but he’s very self reliant so I have to be very careful how I approach him lol
That's a great approach! When you're ready to share your discoveries with him, it can be a powerful way to deepen your connection. What have you discovered about yourself so far that you think might be important to share with him?
I feel I was once ethically avoidant but I think I'm becoming toxic as I've been choosing to be purposefully manipulative to get my needs met such as housing and food. I don't like that I've done it but I feel it's the only way I'm going to be able to live is forceful taking cause no one will give or bargain a fair transaction.
I hear you, but what makes you feel like that's the only way?
I am Anxious attachment, have stopped chasing him.
Allowing him his space. Converse with him if he talks. Just had a situation in May that caused me so much hurt and to retreat and not bother with him anymore. Been married over 20 years and only found out yesterday exactly who I am dealing with.(finally!)
I used to love this guy so much, but the feelings changed due to the misunderstanding and hurt...
Not sure if we are salvageable😢
I'm going through this same situation with my partner. Living together for 2 almost 2 years. I got so sick of him pulling away and my heart hurting over feeling abandoned. Broke my heart reading your comment because im also at the point where I talk when spoken to, to engage in small talk to create bonds. But i don't get excited to connect with him because im fearful of being triggered with his distance. I'm sorry to hear you're going through a similar experience. Hopefully the fog will clear the miscommunication for you and your partner to save our relationships soon❤
How about if there's only high levels of emotion when they were drawing like you have no problem with their space or you're very accommodating and self-reliant but they still just shut down for no reason like fear of intimacy getting close shut down from things being good
I didn’t see the link for signing up for the newsletter. I do see where you talk about it in the description box though.
Same here.
Try his website
Here's the link everyone: adamlanesmith.com/newsletter-signup/
Let me know if this works. I've also updated the description, thanks for the heads up!
How can I find someone that can counsel my husband and I like you describe. We’ve been to counseling and they do exactly what you said. I’m so tired of living on this merry- go-round that never stops.
Hi, Amy! I hear you. Please feel free to email me for guidance at support@adamlanesmith.com -I'm here to help!
Do you have any recommendations for people who would like relationship coaching that are not able to afford $500+ out of pocket per session?
I recognize it's worth it and saves more by preventing divorce etc. Some people just can't afford to pay that much. Especially when "coaching" isn't covered by insurance.
Please advise (other than watching videos and trying to apply techniques yourself).
I hear you. Feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com so we can find other solutions together that would be tailored to your needs.
Haha your kids must really love for you to tell them stories. How do you come back from every mistake? The endless dance does suck. I don't even know how to get him to talk to me. I want him to be able to have the life he wants, but he keeps telling me he can't give me what I want.
Thank you, they really do! I encourage you to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com so we can discuss more strategies to navigate this situation and help him open up, while also setting clear boundaries to protect your own well-being in this relationship.
Can you talk more about people mixed with both styles? I’m both and have no idea how to heal to be more secure since it feels if I try to heal one the other side gets more triggered. Thanks Adam 🙏☺️
Absolutely. I encourage you to stay tuned and turn on the notification bell because I'm posting a video about this specific topic soon.
@@AttachmentAdam I’m looking forward to it. 👍
2% success with no marriage 50% with marriage.
But can that anxious person tolerate that structure that the avoidant person can provide?
Well, avoiding people wouldn't have healthy children with anybody that's the reality
True to that
Neither anxious to be fair. I have anxious parents and it fucked me up, i was (and still am) anxious myself. I understand the the anger against avoidants, but living in an anxious home is not better
@@goromir7093I think i am the produce of an anxious avoidant bond and it messed me up.. more so from my resentful anxious mom
Then my avoidant dad
My partner won't talk to me. I feel like they don't want to make it work. I don't know what to do.
I encourage you to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com so we can discuss an action plan together and a way to move forward.
I don't see where I can sign up for the newsletter.
I think it's on his website too
Please try this link to get access: adamlanesmith.com/newsletter-signup/
Can you give me a discount for the boot camp please or is there ever a discount I’ll wait for it
Hey there! Please feel free to send me an email to support@adamlanesmith.com and we can find a solution to this.
Adam I have another q. I hope you see this. What do I do about my avoidant partner not responding to my texts not even to say “just busy will talk to you soon” I need that reassurance otherwise I start to feel like he’s ignoring me
Ignore it! They don't respond because they don't want conflict. They don't want to deal with feelings and conversing with you will bring up feelings again. I'm going through what you are now and I just gave up. Why would I want to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable? You have to regain your self worth again. Seriously, never remove your crown, only adjust accordingly to what you will tolerate. Don't tolerate someone who is discarding you. Avoid, Avoid. Avoid. Keep telling yourself that when you want to reach out. They are avoiding you. Say outloud to yourself when you want to text them...Avoid. Avoid, avoid!
@@TheNicholeCollection This is annoying unproductive advice. I am secure attached. I didn’t lose sight of myself. I am simply trying to understand him better. You sound terrible anxious attached and it appears you need to work on your core wounds. Your core wounds are why you think this way and gave up on someone. Self reflect. He did end up texting me and turns out he was busy and feeling down in the dumps about the date due to a loss. Guess what? I didn’t make up stories about him or get upset or anything. I simply thought about it and wondered why he doesn’t say he’s busy. He trusted that I already knew that. Good luck healing. Avoidant attachment men deserve love too. They deserve patience too.
My wife and I have been divorced for a year. I am anxious, she avoidant. Communication is liberal and usually agitated about money. Should I send her this video or would that fall into chasing her again?
What are you hoping the outcome is?
What about 2 avoidant people? How does that work? everything just gets bottled up and swept under the rug? Do you have a video on that? Id be interested..
Not yet, but stay tuned because it has been suggested by many.
@@AttachmentAdam awesome! will do
I just watched this for nothing 😢 I know the problem I’m here for solutions
OK, how about if you describe dynamics words, a secure person and avoid it or like a fearful, avoiding or like somebody that started off better but due to like the extreme ways that the wooden person pulls back, you feel anxious at the new triggers
I think he’s focusing only on the avoidiant anxious relationship because they are drawn to each other like moths to a flame. The other has what we secretly know we need. The avoidiant loves the open emotions of the anxious and the anxious likes the self control the avoidant possesses.
@@rachelpalmer5496 Exactly!
I’ve gotten better at not chasing and allowing him to
Have space to sort everything out. We aren’t in a relationship but man we have a lot in common and have good communication and fun! He’s just fun! When he’s not running away that is..😉and in recent past I have been guilty of chasing him so I think it’s trust we are trying to build. I have been using the conversation methods advised by Adam and he responds! It’s been awesome!
What's working? For the rest of us anxious lol