Nice video, I'm still struggling with the end of my 7-year relationship. My significant other, who I considered to be the love of my life, left me a month ago, and I can't seem to shake the constant thoughts of her. Despite my efforts to bring him back into my life, nothing has worked, and I feel frustrated and hopeless. I've tried to move on, but my heart still longs for him, and I don't see myself with anyone else. I apologize for sharing this here, but I just can't seem to stop missing him.
It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.
This is true. I have been dumped by a FA who terminated on a whim(to me) and was super kind for a month or two saying we can be friends, breadcrumbing and I am in love and it just keeps dragging looking like she will come back one day then looking like she will never talk to me again another. I think it is best to move on from this type of relationship- but much easier said than done when you're in love.
@@gd3598I had a FA do the same exact thing. Said we could be friends afterwards. Then wouldn’t even reply to my texts when I asked her to return something she borrowed from me when we were together lol. I even tried to send out a more friendlier text asking how she was doing and if she could at least leave my stuff on the porch so I could get it at a time she wasn’t home if she still needed space. Nothing. Like wow you can’t even be bothered to acknowledge let alone return my shit that doesn’t belong to you. What a fucking joke. People like that you can’t trust anything they say. Unfortunately their word means very little. I’m honestly questioning if the version of her in our relationship was even really who she was at this point. Extremely disrespectful I wouldn’t even want to be friends with her now let alone actually want her back as a romantic partner
It seems nearly all FAs want a mind reader partner to cater to them. This is the most damaging thing about them. Voicing needs and wants in a direct way is too much of a task. And wanting compromise causes many to shut down. It’s really bizarre
Not so bizarre when you’re used to people not caring about your feelings, avoiding you intern putting your needs aside, having people have unnecessary outbursts or mental meltdowns gaslighting.. overtime, when one has had it happen so many times one becomes to almost expect it. It seems to manifest every single time with family members and the blame scapegoating when you are standing for connection and mutual respect and common values.. then you’re told that you’re too sensitive, weird inconsistent, intense, even though you’re sitting in your own feelings having to pick up the pieces after wards just for expressing a small observation and being vulnerable
Thanks for the video! 4:50 Start. Define your boundaries, what wasn't working for you. Convert it into a need , ex: what you need. 5:25 Tell what you need instead of mentioning what the other person is lacking. ID what wasn't working for you. 6:45 Be clear of what wasn't working for the FA. Effectively communicate what you need. step 2 7:18 The reason why the FA leave a relationship but don't feel like there's a balance of what they're giving vs what they're getting bc they can't communicate their needs. They feel unheard. They feel not trusting & they project that mistrust. 8:55 The need for novelty - the FA will leave for this reason. They use tiny flaws to push the person away. They may be afraid of losing their individuality or may be getting bored 11:00. Travel more with them or doing more fun activities, spend time with others. Get out more so they can't blame it on the relationship. Males tend do to this more. Disconnection occurs bc their needs are not met. 12:45 FA want to feel heard & cared for. If any of this is missing, they may disconnect. 13:50 After 3-4 weeks mark, share your part of observation. These were the needs that were unmet for both. Have practical tools or strategies to do the work. The FA will appreciate it. 15:42 Bring your needs to the relationship, define your boundaries, have a time limit (deadline) on how long you want to work on the relationship. If you see things not working out at your deadline, move on & take the lesson for the next relationship.
Wow, such deep insight! Very recognizable. Especially the part about FA's not communicating their needs, assuming you should know what they're feeling instead and blowing up little faults as an excuse to end the relationship instead of talking about it and working it out. The need for novelty and deactivating strategies were also apparent in my ex. When she felt there was a problem in the relationship, she started texting and voice messaging other guys (old friends, some of them exes) every day. When I communicated that this behavior crossed my boundaries and was making me feel disrespected, she said that she wasn't cheating on me so if I had a problem with that, it was my problem and not hers. The next day she dumped me. Come to think of it... why do I want her back again?
I'm an FA as well, and I can totally relate to your ex. I get soooo annoyed when the guy gets jealous. It makes me wanna run for my life. Partly because I know I wouldn't cheat. And I also want to be sure that I won't have to change my lifestyle too much - at least not immediately. It also stems from the need to have a safety net. I wouldn't like the guy I'm seeing to think that I don't have other options. I don't want to feel trapped and be taken for granted. There you have it - all the reasons. FA's are no piece of cake... approach with caution.
@@valerial7550 Thanks for your take on it! I've been really trying to understand her actions, because I don't like to think she had bad intentions. But it didn't help that I knew she had cheated on most of her previous exes as a way to get out of those relationships... She told me she wouldn't do that to me, and I believed her, but to me, there's other ways to cheat than just physically. Her talking to those other guys and her exes, and trying to hide it or at least be very shady about it when I asked, made it seem suspicious and feel like a betrayal of our emotional bond. Like she was building a stronger bond with some of those guys than she appeared to be willing to build with me... I realize this could be seen as jealousy and kind of offputting, but I feel like one should be able to respectfully and calmly express ones boundaries and concerns in a healthy relationship. Also, if she had been open about the whole thing and communicated her need for space directly, I wouldn't have worried about it so much. In the end, I probably did act a bit jealous or clingy, because I could feel her slipping away more and more... But instead of talking about it, she just broke up with me. Told me she felt suffocated and that we were just not right for each other... As an FA yourself, do you think she would ever reconsider? As in, become open to talking about the situation, coming to a mutual understanding and maybe reviewing her decision? Or is an FA's word final? I went no contact immediately after the break-up (2 weeks ago), gave her the space she wanted. But I find myself missing her a lot and hoping we could still work it out. To me, nothing happened that couldn't be discussed and improved easily. But it takes two to make a relationship work...
@@PieterFret Not all FA's do what you mentioned your ex did to you. I'm a FA myself, If I feel unsafe, threaten or "suffocated" I will , yes, shut down and withdraw or end the relationship (I have learned to communicate my needs better but if after trying, I do not see changes and consistency then I will walk away). I do not start talking to other guys, etc.. if I'm still with someone, I'm very aware I wouldn't like that being done to me (I believe values and morals play a role in this too). what you described here, seems to be a pattern and one that she may not even be aware of and if she is, she may not know how or care enough to change. Your feelings are totally understandable and It seems like you did the right thing. Anyone in your situation would have felt disrespected and unsafe. Yes, she may reconsider but the question is, do you really want her back? Patterns are very hard to change - it takes consistent introspection, self-responsibility, humility, empathy and true self-motivation to change and it takes time and consistency. Consider how hard it is to work on and heal your own wounds and I'm thinking you have been very motivated to do so.
@@PieterFret Yes, she could possibly reconsider, but you need to stick to no contact, and if she initiates communication again, be friendly but let her start chasing you this time. Don't miss the moment if it comes. If you start deactivating when she activates, that will be the end of it. The good part is that actually FA's really crave deep connection, we just don't know how to get there.
@@valerial7301 Thank you! So you don't think reaching out to her myself around the 3-4 week mark, as Thais suggests, would be very helpful? I just have a feeling she would have a hard time getting herself to contact me, even if she wanted to. But maybe that's just my anxious mind trying to get me to break no contact ;p
Please understand someone with an FA is almost impossible to be in a relationship with unless they heal themselves. Please stop being a doormat, work on your trauma bond and walk away from the toxic dynamic. I say this as an FA
But why is it so hard to leave a❤ FA. I left, but I love him so much!!! I know he isn't gonna try get me back. I thought he would apologize, and I know that I had to do it.
I would add about the focus on small flaws thing - the “flaws” one might focus on isn’t necessarily physical traits. It might be something like “oh they have too many expectations… And I won’t be able to fulfill those expectations. That makes me vulnerable because then they might leave me …so I’d rather pull away and just be friends even if I have feelings for them.” Meanwhile the expectations aren’t that much. In fact the FA is expecting the other to not have expectations in this scenario. That’s a big expectation! Basically focusing on flaws is an excuse to distance… which is safe
@@henryzhao4622 My ex left me after I said he needed to get help or we needed couples counseling because things weren't working out as they were. He said he's too maxed out with other serious life challenges to work on himself. Just 2 weeks prior, he said he was going to get help because he wanted to fight for us. He expected me to change my life, behaviors, the way I spoke, etc so as not to trigger him, basically putting his unresolved traumas on my shoulders to carry. And my request for him to take some responsibility because the burden was too much, it was too big of an expectation. I believe he also took it as an ultimatum and that I was about to end it, so he beat me to it. I was ill prepared for his reaction. It's been over 5 weeks, and I haven't heard a peep from him. To answer your question, I don't think there's anything we can do. I did everything I could so he wouldn't get triggered and it didn't work. He became ever more jealous, suspicious, triggered and controlling. Then when it exhausted me and my light dimmed, he wasn't happy with that either. He at least recognized it was due to him, but he lost attraction nevertheless, because of what I was doing and putting up with to try to make him feel safe and comfortable. He knew I was walking on eggshells, afraid to do or say something that would trigger him and turn into days of him having extreme jealousy and anxiety. Anyways, I believe the FA attachment style, more than any other insecure types, need to do some level of work and take some responsibility. Otherwise, we end up in a position where, no matter what we do or don't do, we simply cannot win. My ex was an extreme FA. He swung extreme to and from avoidance to anxious. The fact that he loved me was all it took to scare the crap out of him and hit on all of his triggers, insecurities, wounds and unresolved traumas. The closer we got, the worse he got. He became enmeshed and emotionally reliant on me in his last anxious phase, which scared and stressed him out so bad, he cut and run to beat me at what he perceived as potential rejection. I'm also FA, leaning heavily anxious. He really trampled on my abandonment wound, so as much as I miss him and want him back, I won't reach out and wouldn't take him back if he reached out right now. Me also being FA has helped whenever he pulled back since it scared me and caused me to pull back also. I know I won't ever initiate contact, especially since he broke up with me. And I don't think he will, either, especially since he refused to work on himself and I stood firm in that being a requirement in order for us to continue.
Secure here. Left an FA twice. First time because she was literally exhausting emotional chaos. She chased me for months. I said no a dozen times and that I didn’t believe she had healed. She persisted and I gave in, very stupidly to give it another try. She was great for about one month. Then the cycle returned worse than before. Left the second time because I could see she’d never change. She was downright emotionally manipulative and the hardest person I’ve ever been in a relationship with. Went no contact a few months later. Events external to me have transpired that convince me more that she is a covert narcissist that thinks she’s an FA.
Yeah, that’s interesting. Saying she changed doesn’t sound very FA. When I figured out her self sabotaging issues and where many of the came from, she couldn’t bear to face them. And since I wanted a compromise she wouldn’t do that because knowing she was the problem would be too overwhelming
Thais has said that people don’t tell you their boundaries but will show you, my ex continually showed me she was not willing to do the work but wouldn’t tell me her boundaries. Accepting my reality and moving on.
for boundaries not being explicitly verbally specified, the medium used for showing makes for the message then. indeed, lots of www-pop psych. advice does figuratively resemble plumbing or other technical triage heuristics. by ppl. who'd be challenged to follow trough even a most logical resasonable argument.
This is kind of a nightmare... I feel sorry for fa people but be careful trying to go back... be concious of looking after yourself... this seems so hard... 🙏
As an FA, this would be the perfect way I would want to work something out with someone. I will keep these things in mind in the future. Thanks so much!
how accurate is the 3-4 weeks mark for the feelings hitting you? what is that time like: uncontrolled sobbing or just missing them? provided the FA did the breaking up, what is a better course, waiting for them to make the move or contacting them?
@@adamwood87 Well not everyone is the same some ppl might start initially missing them but then it not fully hit for another 4 weeks. You should reach out bc they might not due to not wanting to be rejected or if they do they'll still be confused emotionally. I think that was mentioned in another video the FA being less successful in trying to reconcile after a breakup do to not having emotionally regulated so not understanding what they want and need still but just reacting.
@@adamwood87 What was your correct course of action for this? I'm trying to figure out how to reconcile with my FA, currently only under a week after a blindsided break up (he did it out of nowhere). I want things to work and I'm also working on myself, but I don't want to chase him away and I want to help him heal by showing him attachment theory when we decide to see each other again.
@@electranorwood4798 put simply, what i was talking about was accepting that she didn't/doesn't want to be with me, and even though it's painful, i can't change her mind. i can't make someone want to be with me. if your ex comes back, that's the time to grow as a couple. in the meantime, you can only control what you do. furthermore, i recognize that if someone has a good enough reason to come back to me, they never had a good enough reason to leave, and i don't want to be with someone who left me for no good reason. take care of yourself, Electra.
I was pretty sure I was a DA until I began learning about FA. Granted I think I can relate to both in ways, but the imbalance in relationships and crossing of boundaries I didn't know I had has always been why I leave, and I realize in retrospect how little I was able to communicate to the person my needs. I'm thankful for therapy and the ability to process and heal my deeper traumas.
This was so useful. As an FA trying to work to become more secure I really valued hearing you 'lacks' or wounds a partner or friend might feel from an FA. I'd really appreciate hearing more of these; they give me a concrete idea of what to work on and how sabotaging behaviours are manifesting. It's a better perspective of how my reactions might make someone feel and how they might act.
how accurate is the 3-4 weeks mark for the feelings hitting you? what is that time like: uncontrolled sobbing or just missing them? provided the FA did the breaking up, what is a better course, waiting for them to make the move or contacting them?
I’ve been binge watching your videos today and finally after weeks I have so much clarity about what happened and the hope I was looking for!! Thank you! I feel how much you sincerely want to serve and I’m so grateful to have found you!!
This is how you can tell that the Personal Development School is the way of a positive fulfilling way to live. Thais gives an introduction on how to follow a path and use tools to do something while being authentic. Most other videos just tell you how to "hack" or "cheat" the system. Then we wonder why we are stuck in ruts or why we are in a bad place... Well if you start the process off with negative intentions or having their self in mind then it won't work. What you put in you get out. So if you put in good in then you will get good out....
You don’t want to win these people back. They need help and healing. You will lose yourself while draining your energy on this person. You end up resentful towards them and yourself . 😊
This is a personal perspective based on your experience. You have to remember that attachment styles really lie on a spectrum, depending on how much the person has done work on themselves so in your experience, the person might be horrible to deal with, but that doesn’t mean that all people lean towards a fearful attachment, or any of the insecure attachments are impossible to work with
I am an FA , and I totally agree with you. I’ve got some other categories as well. Secure, anxious and dismissive avoidant are also included. You can reunite with an ex, no mater what attachment style. The problem is, most people don’t change. You can give them another chance, but if you find out they haven’t changed, you need to move on.
This reminds me of Robert Greene’s 48 Laws Of Power. Certainly an evil book if used with evil intent. But if you use it to open your eyes to power dynamics in your life, your relationships or workplace, it can help you navigate those dynamics and defend yourself against people who instinctively know who to do it. This information here can certainly be used as a manipulation tool in the hands of someone with less than scrupulous intentions, but it can also be used to help you navigate the storms of interpersonal relationships. I read a lot of high-horse, ivory tower stone throwing comments about “just get the hell out while you can” coming from people who may or may not be paragons of relational stability themselves. Fact is, the more you learn about any of this stuff, the more you have tools at your disposal to deal with the people in your life, for better or worse.
Ha ha and as a thoughtful and considerate , communicating and loving and committed man, I’ve washdishes, do laundry, change the oil and gas up her car, cook, clean and taken for granted . Relationships aren’t hard. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. Be thoughtful Be loving Be kind Be loyal Be patient Be selfless Be willing to grow Be trustworthy
I love your disclaimer about 'win someone back' videos! People do use psycholgical insights to manipulate others and themselves. There can not be enough emphasis on this especially with so many relationship coaches out there who abuse psychological insights by teach to manipulate others and dismiss oneself to be appealing. Could you go more indepth into the differences between male and female FAs? That would be great! I would love a series on gender roles and their effect on attachment styles!
There is a podcast it's just not super active at the moment. But you can find it by searching “The Personal Development School” on apple podcasts - PDS team
Agreed. Excellent question. I am an FA, and left a sexually compatible but emotionally unavailable DA. In that context I was more invested. Now I’m with an AA, he’s amazing but I feel a bit suffocated and I’m not quite as viscerally attracted to him. I am not sure if my avoidant tendencies are emerging due to attachment styles or if he is not right for me.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I think that as a FA, your attachment style is what makes you incompatible with most people. Unless you are very self aware and willing to communicate clearly, listen to your partner and actually work on the relationship instead of giving in to that feeling you have to run away when there's a problem. Otherwise, you won't ever stay with anyone, because there's no such thing as the perfect relationship. I think it's very important to look at your own history and recognize your patterns. Act from rational reflection, not from fear and emotion. Don't make decisions when you're feeling triggered. I think that could help.
Pieter Fret- I think you’re absolutely right. My AA and I (FA), just started Imago couple’s therapy and having a therapist point out and reflect back our core wounds to us, has been totally transformative in our relationship.
@@dr.dermixgirlmd7479 Well done! You're taking important steps towards healing your core wounds, and it's so important to be able to do that with the support and understanding of your partner. I just wish my FA ex would've been prepared to work together on our attachment difficulties (I'm AA) instead of just giving up and leaving...
I wanna get my ex back so bad. She's definitely FA & I'm more anxious. Since the break up there's been crazy clarity of how I unconsciously reacted to her for not giving me the love and affection I gave her. I understand there has to be more security in myself and confidence because depending on the relationship for happiness is not a no go. However, I can't help but feel that the opposite side of the spectrum also needs to learn how to grow from their side. I feel like both sides are insecure in their own way. I really do hope she can realize with this no contact how much we loved each other and comes back to me or at least reaches out. I'm not sure if female FA's reach out to their ex after they dumped them. I also think that our problems could be fixed easily if we both took a step down and tried to understand each other. However I feel like it'll be harder for a FA to understand. What do yall think?
Sorry man. I'm talking to mine too close to when she ended it and I feel I am doing more harm than good to our relationship. She's so cold. Just says she wants to keep talking to "get to know me better." I don't know man. It's scary how they shut down. It's as if what you meant, you no longer mean. AT ALL. Better to do what you are doing I think. Because their tone toward you will break you as an anxious person. I too am anxious and this is awful
Trust me, this os far far far from simple to fix. FA's have the most core wounds, the most complicated characters, the least likely to want or recognise the need to change and have the most difficult journey to becoming secure. They can do it but it is probably the most difficult challenge of their life as to change themselves they must overcome their subconcious.
I noticed his willingness not to communicate with me..and express to me how he was feeling about something..And although I kept expressing to him that hey all it takes is a little communication..He would say we'll this is all the communication that I'm able to give..Never gave the relationship a chance..walls were up & stayed up..
Yeah. There is no attempt to try. You accept what you are given. Same way it was for me. I'm sorry. It's painful. Probably the worst thing I've ever experienced. You love them, you try for them and they don't care because of their contradicting defense mechanisms. It's impossible.
@@jamesgraves9858 it's so frustrating, because all i would need is a little more communication and i could accept that she is FA.. but she can't and isn't willing to work on it, and i know you can't help someone if thry're not willing to help themselves.
This is your best video in terms of a practical how to, and the idea of a deadline is especially helpful because there isnt an unlimited timeline for things to change.
I am on anxiety part and more I think about it more I feel anxiety about wining him back or staying friends, feels like too much work and too much pain. It’s just two weeks passed, maybe I feel different after some time but now I feel I will better be alone. Maybe secure attached or more anxious people can handle that, not me
Thank You very much ... You are amazing. ... But still I think the best way is to work on ourselfs, to heal ourself and than not struggle with these kinds of challanges so much. :-)
I'm an FA trying to mend things with another FA. I messed up. I ran with assumptions because i didnt know my needs, I was scared, triggered and just stopped engaging them. 😪 I need help.
This happened to me. I’m an AA (or at least an AA currently lol. I took your quiz and I’m split AA and secure) my partner is a least a FA. 6.5 years we were together and I brought up that maybe we were having some issues and it triggered her to withdraw from things. I admit I did some things that she mentioned, we didn’t go on enough dates, things maybe got lazy between us. All very fixable things. But then she said she thought I wouldn’t care for her which was crazy to me! And some other things. She convinced herself of these issues and dwelled on them and I think it hurt her a lot even though some weren’t true. I can see it in her family dynamic why she is like this way. I wish I could send her these videos but I’ve already overstepped my communications boundaries. It’s been about 6 weeks so far. I’ve communicated everything that I can to address everything but it’s up to her now to decide to come back or not. I’m 4 days into no contact and watching these videos helps a lot and gives a lot of clarity because I would have been in the dark on all of this otherwise. Thank you.
Would love to see a video about deactivating and self sabotage in the Fearful Avoidant. Also how they grieve failed relationships i.e. LTR’s and marriages
Thank you, and I wish you so much health and happiness! ^‿^ These Fearful Avoidant series videos have been astoundingly resonant for me with regard to an ex of mine... She and I have enough distance between us that I don't think we should try to rekindle anything, but this is at least helping me understand how and why things became the most mundane Lovecraftian nightmare imaginable toward the end. I'm humbly amazed at how great a job you've done at distilling your personal experiences with Fearful Avoidant attachments into such cogent and enlightening nuggets of truth. Thank you again.
@@rebeccav7420 "Is your ex addressing the insecure attachment at all, to your knowledge?" She never, ever spoke of seeing a therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, or similar. I gently encouraged her toward it as we got to know eachother more and more deeply, and shared personal experiences throughout my childhood where it helped immensely to speak and work with somebody who knew how to help; she would respond positively to that, but only in a vague "That sounds cool! I'll look into it. :)" sort of way that I learned to associate with her never following through with things. She has since cut ties from me. Over time she went from telling her mother that I "get her" better than any other guy she's met before, to her trying to act like we had never meant anything special to eachother. In the aftermath, I felt like I was on the receiving end of both sides of the song Somebody That I Used To Know -- from "you didn't have to cut me out / pretend it never happened / and that we were nothing" to "now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over / but had me believing it was something that I had done." It got to the point where neither of us wanted to start a confrontation and yet only one of us wanted to work on it... So ultimately I said that I "lower-case l" loved her enough to let her go, and stopped trying to push the Sisyphean stone any further than that. She strongly identifies with / hides behind the fact that she's a Scorpio, "and Scorpios are very secretive people," so she merrily used that as an excuse to disappear, lie by omission, put on new masks, and so on. Now I just see that as her costume for fearful avoidant behavior. Three out of four of her serious relationships before me were with emotionally abusive guys, and even when speaking of her parents, she said "my parents can become quite toxic at times." So, she's got a lot of weeds to clear out of that back lot, so to speak. Meanwhile, my relationships with friends and family are better than they've ever been, and I know that I'll be making my own Happily Ever After whether I'm with a partner or not. I'll hush up now; I don't mean to gobble up your time, so I don't expect anything in response. Continued best wishes to you, though. I'm super thankful to have found your channel! ^‿^
So sabatoge and manipulation because they can't communicate like adults, mostly because of guilt through their own actions. It's like a child being upset at their mom or dad without saying why, then they lock themselves in their room right behind the door with a peep hole installed. When the parents want to talk it out, the kid remains silent. Then when the parents just go back to their stuff around the house, the kid is right back at the peep hole watching. I know that might be a harsh comparison for some in the comments, but for someone on the receiving end of any avoidant attachment style this is how it feels to probably everybody else who isn't avoidant. Here's a perfect example - I've broken No contact/radio silence twice to attempt and just simply re connect over a drink or a fond memory, and get met with utter silence. Yet I'll post a photo on instagram the very next day, and guess who is one of the first people to like my photo or view my story....you guessed it, the person who chose to ignore my attempt of reconnecting just hours before.
I ended up making a very bold move and showing up personally where they did not really expect me. I'd say it was not "successful" but it helped me a lot. Because I was able to see all of this wavering in person. All of their indecisiveness. Yes, they do want me, then they do not. Then they do not want to want me because they are afraid they will fall in love and they don't want it. Then we kiss, then they are white as a wall behind them. You may think that it's not humanly possible to change your mind so quickly, but apparently it is.
That is the root of it. Communication. It’s baffling how closed off they are. I honestly don’t get why they expect their partners to be mind readers. It’s the most harmful of all expectations
I am an FA and no one has ever approached me in the way she described. Many times I dont reach out when I want to because I fear person hates me. But Ill replay the conversation in my mind of how I want it to go should they reach out...and its exactly as Thais described.
@@AceOfWands895 my ex girlfriend told me she don't love me anymore without any reason then i broke up without her . I still 60 days in no contact . She blocked me after 45 days of no contact . What that's mean?
I think my ex is a fearful avoidant because when she broke up with me she said that our lifestyles are just too dofferent where she likes to go out and party and stay out late and i prefer to wake up early. She later liked something on instagram about "leaving them first" and i feel like that was about me. She said at the breakup how much she thinks she prefers more masculine guys and she thinks i didnt have a spine. Those words stay with me and sting because i do think thats a fair criticism, i often dont stick up for myself and i need to work on that. I don't care to stay stuck in the friendzone and just removed myself from her friends. She can have all the distance she wants. I do need to work on myself. I need to be more self confident and i need to do what i want. I had no desire to abandon her and i wanted to work things out but im not going to just up and change everything. I loved her so much and i did anything and everything i could for her. I dont think it will ever be enough because she will always have that nagging feeling at the back of her mind that im not the right one. I tried though.
It's not really a small issue if the FA has communicated their needs and the person consistently does the same. This video is assuming that the FA isn't aware of their patterns and isn't communicating. Sometimes they have communicated.
My FA just dumped me yesterday, I'm gutted. She says she'll contact me after we give eachother some distance but idk about that. She's an FA due to SA in her childhood and had recently told me she's began her healing journey with herself and her relationship with men in general and her isssues with intimacy. Idk if there's hope we can eventually get back together later.
@@joelolguin37 she contacted me about 2 weeks ago to check in on me and see how I'm doing cause I had been dead on socials for abit and she said she was worried. And that's about it, we haven't really talked
What if you don’t want to spend all your time fix ing other people and you just want to find people who aren’t avoidant and deal with those types of people exclusively?
My FA ex partner resent and blame me for being overwhelmed trying 'fulfilling my needs' (when i try to reach him out after 4 weeks)while i'm the one trying to encourage him to communicate his needs about space over times, he told me that its just the way he is and even suspicious that i want to control or change him.... i try my best to sooth him and talk in a calm way even after all the accuse and resentment, its kinda disheartening when he point out all my weakness and assume the times we spend together in bad ways... its ended up hurt myself more knowing he devalue myself this much... i may love him that much for settling just for breadcrumbs.... but the moment he gaslight me and cant even remember only bad things about me, its the time i guess i need to let him go....
You have just described my thoughts and feelings pefecley ive just split with girlfriend who i adore for the third time in four months always me pushing her away deliberately causing her to dump me
I believe that if someone has an insecure attachment style while their partner is secure, there is already an incompatibility. A secure person should be with another secure individual because this allows for a healthier relationship where two people can equally contribute. I think it should be more of a focus to help people go from insecure to secure instead of teaching people how to get back with someone they aren't compatible with anyway. Its already an unhealthy relationship because one party doesnt not have the self awarness to be with the other. There is a lack within the connection. I don't see why anyone would want to reconcile a relationship with someone that is not healthy and secure within themself. Its better to take the loss and move on to allow space in your life for someone that is compatible with you. I dont think insecure attachment style people should be in relationship until they do they work on themselves first. That's is just my perspective.
@@LucaAnamaria The work is hard but its a choice to not grow. There are two choices: feeling pain, hurt, and fear because this is where I am comfortable with although its not working, or make the uncomfortable first step of doing the inner work that will make you happier in the long term. I've noticed a lot of people will choose comfortablity versus growth because of fear of change.
@@Kiana-Michelle Well, the one thing I will say, though--as a person who is diligently working on her own insecure attachment style--is that I think it's ok for a secure person to date an insecure person as long as the latter individual is self-aware, growth oriented, and committed and determined enough to work on themselves and that relationship. So I disagree with your statement to an extent...but I understand how frustrating it can be for a secure to have to "baby sit" another human who is unaware and unwilling to grow. That's frustrating in any relationship, with or without an attachment incompatibility.
My wife left me and hasn't said a word to me in 3 months , but I believe this is what she is . How long do I give her space or how to do I get my wife back
Contact !! I think that she will appreciate that you want to communicate with her in a peaceful way and being yourself with her, tell her about your feelings with complete honesty, you want her back ? Tell her !! And tell her why you want her back, and then let everything just go with the flow if she still cares she'll probably come back, you have given her enough space for 3 months, as long as you stay away from her that makes her get away from you more, so try to get you together to talk about this.
@ellimistk5797 I still haven't heard from her , still blocked . I sent a letter and gift for her birthday June 12th. No response. Letter consists of moving forward, letting her know that I changed and gave over to God. I left a voice mail on her birthday as well . Still nothing back . She hasn't posted anything . So idk , I'm just being still posting things on media to show my changes and praying cause there's nothing I can do
@ellimistk5797 she knows I'm not giving up on our marriage or her , she knows I love her and only her . I take my vows very serious and don't believe in divorce and last she told me she didn't believe in it ether so I feel God is not wanting me to give up so I'm not and just praying that God works a miracle in her heart and our marriage
I feel as if it is my fault, but the fearful avoidant woman I was involved with has wound up blocking me on the phone and social media. It was over two instances of how I had missed the cue to take the role of being assertive and “defend” her in small situations where she felt that people were coming across as either disrespecting her or intentionally taking space away from her. First instance was on a subway ride downtown, where a stranger was looking at her and she confronted him about it. She told him off while I told him that even though I also let my eyes wander when I am traveling, I do not look at others with contempt because I try to be respectful to everyone around me. I told him to just say “there is no problem, I am sorry.” And to just go about his day. Second instance was because of a target employee bumping into her as she was walking ahead of me and not apologizing for it. I did not say anything at the time because I’ve a tendency to dissociate when I feel anxious. She cut ties with me afterward and has revoked admin privileges to a mental health awareness group she had added me to, removed me from said group, and blocked my number afterward. A long story indeed.
He tells me he has no space for me but he wants to be w me, but hes not reafy for commitment or responsibility. This is ourv3rd try in 22 yrs, so i left him but now i feel so sad😢
Love your videos and considering your school. I do have a question tho. So much of the FA pattern and anxious seems to match my current relationship. We seem stuck in power struggle and the patterns seems to match what you describe. However, we both also deal with depression and so I am wondering if and how these attachments relate to the attachment pattern vs someone is has BPD and is struggling. Would you say these intertwine and trigger one another? Im trying to distinguish, am i dealing with an attachment pattern or with BPD...or both?
Can you do a video on navigating broken trust with a FA? I can attest to breaking my FA’s trust in a big way. Should I be all the way honest with what I did or should I keep it to myself if I’m trying to get back with her?
Question!!??!! If you are an AA and your dude is an FA, when you ask for words of affirmation or ask if "we are ok" doesn't that make them feel like you're being needy and then it just sets them off with a series of triggers that causes this insane cycle you're trying desperately to avoid.
I veered from being mostly secure into a very AP style mindset when my D leaning FA started deactivating. I tried to remain calm and mature, and did request politely that my needs in a healthy relationship be acknowledged and honored. I honestly just wanted my love languages of words of affirmation and quality time. He would reply to my asks that I sounded like I was 'begging for a handout' in a very rude way. One time I asked via text and he just flat out said that his brain didn't work like that so I'd get what I get. These incidents were the beginning of me choosing to walk away but it was, and sometimes still is ... very difficult.
I’m a FA and just went through a breakup. I’ve been closed off for a week and don’t feel like I could open up or feel comfortable with my ex no matter what he said or did. I don’t trust him, or really anyone. It’s too hard. Sorry.
@@kicksalot9943 In my case, my DA partner constantly found flaws in me (FA) and talked about them with his family and friends behind my back. I felt betrayed and disrespected, lost trust in him and became withdrawn, no longer feel the need to share my personal life with him.
What should i do if she monkeybranched 2 weeks after she broke up? I wrote her a letter 3 weeks later where i said sorry for hurting her feelings (i worked too much and got burnout and depression so i didnt want make that much activities, and i focused to much on work spending less time with her)
hi, i really like this, In my situation i feel resistance to the advice though. My friend, (who may be a fearful avoidant) literally projects a negative fantasy onto very benign or neutral circumstances and then acts out in an abusive way towards me, he is also genuinely really very nice though and I like him a lot, and when he isnt doing this we have a great relationship. My issue is that, after several instances like this in one week, I broke off our friendship, I want to try again, but, I am not sure I can genuinely listen to perspective, because he is blaming, and has been verbally abusive, because of his emotional exposiveness about things that havent actually happened.i feel like i would be abandoning both myself and truth if i did that... any advice at all?
This really made me think. We don't want to feel inportant as in that you need us to take care of you. Like an avoidant we feel you need to know in the end you are responsible for yourself. We tent to overgive and therefor are affraid of enmeshment. Mostly from our own behaviour as we tent to fall for unavailable lovers that don't see us for who we are. But with AA's they can cling very much. My time, my friends, my relax time. So I wouldn't use the word inportant in that sense. You need to have your own time and life. You need to take care of yourself because we get resentful if we give and give over our own needs to have some space apart but also because just like DA's we have learned that we are responsible to fullfill your own needs. Even tho we would try to fullfill others if they become dependent on us that is the thing that makes us feel enmashed and used. Second part is why do they make us inportant? Not because they prioritise our needa but it's because of they want to see their needs fullfilled in this clingy aspect. They full it out of us. Instead just ASK!! When would you like to meet again? Instead of: hey I love to come over tonight. Should I bring food? You see in the latter there is no room for my need and it's really hard to say no when you adore the other. But they take up so much space of me that I can't have my own much needed space and when we are together I am overgiving as it's far from my need. So ask questions about our needs and stay responsible for your own life and put energy in yourself outside of the relationship and don't overask.. Make us feel inportant by being thankfull showing appreciation and give all your love languages because that's how we feel charished and secure.
I wish I could talk to thais herself. Because I hear the videos and find a understanding but I still don't know how to apply it my life. Like expressing my need. I struggle so so much with expressing needs. How to express it. I would like help but idk where to go.
My FA left 6-8 weeks ago. Last 2 weeks ago she tells me she isn’t in love with me. Move on!!! She then starts talking to a guy and The next weekend she slept with him over a weekend. Now she is trying to reconnect. I don’t know how to move on? Not sure I can ever get over that betrayal. Tho she called it off, she slept with him 5 days later. How should I handle this situation?
Is it possible after having a big fight? I had a situationship with an FA who was also still doubting to go back to her ex. She told me some reassuring things but we had to take distance to help her sort things out. She didn't really do anything for a while and I got really mad.. I was so afraid of losing her and I was angry that she saw him and didn't tell him the things she told me. I feel like I really messed up :(
Win yourself back instead! It like jumping through hoops for these avoidants and for what? They drain your soul and play the victim to the next person too. You deserve better!
I would like to know this, too. This is where I am. Also, my FA deactivated real hard and blocked me immediately after the break up so, I don't have any way to really contact him other than a letter or an email or something. Since blocking is a pretty clear boundary, do I ignore the boundary or send a letter anyway?
@@user-ww1ow5yi2u I never did send the letter. I felt like it would be a violation of his boundary. I am still in contact with his mom from time to time, but I never bring him up with her and neither does she. We have a seperate relationship and I don't want to cross that boundary and put her in a position where she has to talk bad about her son. But, otherwise, I haven't had contact with him since the break up...and he hasn't unblocked me. It still breaks my heart. I got some distance from it a few months ago and started to date someone new. I thought I was ready...but, when that didn't work out after a few months because we were highly incompatible, I felt all the feelings about the break up/my ex and the sadness from lack of closure come rushing back. I wish I had a better update, but I don't. I still don't think the right move is to send a letter, though. My gut just tells me it's a bad idea.
My fearful avoidant and I were in a long distance relationship (different countries). I was going to be visiting where he lives and asked if we could meet for coffee- no expectations but as friends. I said this to take the pressure off. He wrote back and said meeting isn’t a good idea and that he doesn’t think friends is for us. What do I do? I’m heartbroken..
what we really need is how a FA can win back a secure partner after emotionally quarantining ourselves to go get therapy lol. come back bby i’m better now 😭😭😭
Nice video, I'm still struggling with the end of my 7-year relationship. My significant other, who I considered to be the love of my life, left me a month ago, and I can't seem to shake the constant thoughts of her. Despite my efforts to bring him back into my life, nothing has worked, and I feel frustrated and hopeless. I've tried to move on, but my heart still longs for him, and I don't see myself with anyone else. I apologize for sharing this here, but I just can't seem to stop missing him.
It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Good points here. Don't get so caught up chasing one person that you lose sight of what a satisfying relationship looks like for you
This is true. I have been dumped by a FA who terminated on a whim(to me) and was super kind for a month or two saying we can be friends, breadcrumbing and I am in love and it just keeps dragging looking like she will come back one day then looking like she will never talk to me again another. I think it is best to move on from this type of relationship- but much easier said than done when you're in love.
@@gd3598same same
@@gd3598I had a FA do the same exact thing. Said we could be friends afterwards. Then wouldn’t even reply to my texts when I asked her to return something she borrowed from me when we were together lol. I even tried to send out a more friendlier text asking how she was doing and if she could at least leave my stuff on the porch so I could get it at a time she wasn’t home if she still needed space. Nothing. Like wow you can’t even be bothered to acknowledge let alone return my shit that doesn’t belong to you. What a fucking joke. People like that you can’t trust anything they say. Unfortunately their word means very little. I’m honestly questioning if the version of her in our relationship was even really who she was at this point. Extremely disrespectful I wouldn’t even want to be friends with her now let alone actually want her back as a romantic partner
It seems nearly all FAs want a mind reader partner to cater to them. This is the most damaging thing about them. Voicing needs and wants in a direct way is too much of a task. And wanting compromise causes many to shut down. It’s really bizarre
Not so bizarre when you’re used to people not caring about your feelings, avoiding you intern putting your needs aside, having people have unnecessary outbursts or mental meltdowns gaslighting.. overtime, when one has had it happen so many times one becomes to almost expect it. It seems to manifest every single time with family members and the blame scapegoating when you are standing for connection and mutual respect and common values.. then you’re told that you’re too sensitive, weird inconsistent, intense, even though you’re sitting in your own feelings having to pick up the pieces after wards just for expressing a small observation and being vulnerable
Thanks for the video!
4:50 Start. Define your boundaries, what wasn't working for you. Convert it into a need , ex: what you need.
5:25 Tell what you need instead of mentioning what the other person is lacking. ID what wasn't working for you.
6:45 Be clear of what wasn't working for the FA. Effectively communicate what you need. step 2
7:18 The reason why the FA leave a relationship but don't feel like there's a balance of what they're giving vs what they're getting bc they can't communicate their needs. They feel unheard. They feel not trusting & they project that mistrust.
8:55 The need for novelty - the FA will leave for this reason. They use tiny flaws to push the person away. They may be afraid of losing their individuality or may be getting bored 11:00. Travel more with them or doing more fun activities, spend time with others. Get out more so they can't blame it on the relationship. Males tend do to this more. Disconnection occurs bc their needs are not met.
12:45 FA want to feel heard & cared for. If any of this is missing, they may disconnect.
13:50 After 3-4 weeks mark, share your part of observation. These were the needs that were unmet for both. Have practical tools or strategies to do the work. The FA will appreciate it.
15:42 Bring your needs to the relationship, define your boundaries, have a time limit (deadline) on how long you want to work on the relationship. If you see things not working out at your deadline, move on & take the lesson for the next relationship.
Thank you a lot for your work
Do you recommend reaching out to start this conversation at the 3-4 week mark or wait and see if the FA reaches out during that time?
@@sarahn6230IMO, and from my experience, if they were the dumper, wait.
Wow, such deep insight! Very recognizable. Especially the part about FA's not communicating their needs, assuming you should know what they're feeling instead and blowing up little faults as an excuse to end the relationship instead of talking about it and working it out. The need for novelty and deactivating strategies were also apparent in my ex. When she felt there was a problem in the relationship, she started texting and voice messaging other guys (old friends, some of them exes) every day. When I communicated that this behavior crossed my boundaries and was making me feel disrespected, she said that she wasn't cheating on me so if I had a problem with that, it was my problem and not hers. The next day she dumped me. Come to think of it... why do I want her back again?
I'm an FA as well, and I can totally relate to your ex. I get soooo annoyed when the guy gets jealous. It makes me wanna run for my life. Partly because I know I wouldn't cheat. And I also want to be sure that I won't have to change my lifestyle too much - at least not immediately. It also stems from the need to have a safety net. I wouldn't like the guy I'm seeing to think that I don't have other options. I don't want to feel trapped and be taken for granted. There you have it - all the reasons. FA's are no piece of cake... approach with caution.
@@valerial7550 Thanks for your take on it! I've been really trying to understand her actions, because I don't like to think she had bad intentions. But it didn't help that I knew she had cheated on most of her previous exes as a way to get out of those relationships... She told me she wouldn't do that to me, and I believed her, but to me, there's other ways to cheat than just physically. Her talking to those other guys and her exes, and trying to hide it or at least be very shady about it when I asked, made it seem suspicious and feel like a betrayal of our emotional bond. Like she was building a stronger bond with some of those guys than she appeared to be willing to build with me...
I realize this could be seen as jealousy and kind of offputting, but I feel like one should be able to respectfully and calmly express ones boundaries and concerns in a healthy relationship. Also, if she had been open about the whole thing and communicated her need for space directly, I wouldn't have worried about it so much. In the end, I probably did act a bit jealous or clingy, because I could feel her slipping away more and more... But instead of talking about it, she just broke up with me. Told me she felt suffocated and that we were just not right for each other...
As an FA yourself, do you think she would ever reconsider? As in, become open to talking about the situation, coming to a mutual understanding and maybe reviewing her decision? Or is an FA's word final? I went no contact immediately after the break-up (2 weeks ago), gave her the space she wanted. But I find myself missing her a lot and hoping we could still work it out. To me, nothing happened that couldn't be discussed and improved easily. But it takes two to make a relationship work...
@@PieterFret Not all FA's do what you mentioned your ex did to you. I'm a FA myself, If I feel unsafe, threaten or "suffocated" I will , yes, shut down and withdraw or end the relationship (I have learned to communicate my needs better but if after trying, I do not see changes and consistency then I will walk away). I do not start talking to other guys, etc.. if I'm still with someone, I'm very aware I wouldn't like that being done to me (I believe values and morals play a role in this too). what you described here, seems to be a pattern and one that she may not even be aware of and if she is, she may not know how or care enough to change. Your feelings are totally understandable and It seems like you did the right thing. Anyone in your situation would have felt disrespected and unsafe. Yes, she may reconsider but the question is, do you really want her back? Patterns are very hard to change - it takes consistent introspection, self-responsibility, humility, empathy and true self-motivation to change and it takes time and consistency. Consider how hard it is to work on and heal your own wounds and I'm thinking you have been very motivated to do so.
@@PieterFret Yes, she could possibly reconsider, but you need to stick to no contact, and if she initiates communication again, be friendly but let her start chasing you this time. Don't miss the moment if it comes. If you start deactivating when she activates, that will be the end of it.
The good part is that actually FA's really crave deep connection, we just don't know how to get there.
@@valerial7301 Thank you! So you don't think reaching out to her myself around the 3-4 week mark, as Thais suggests, would be very helpful? I just have a feeling she would have a hard time getting herself to contact me, even if she wanted to. But maybe that's just my anxious mind trying to get me to break no contact ;p
Please understand someone with an FA is almost impossible to be in a relationship with unless they heal themselves. Please stop being a doormat, work on your trauma bond and walk away from the toxic dynamic. I say this as an FA
But why is it so hard to leave a❤ FA. I left, but I love him so much!!! I know he isn't gonna try get me back. I thought he would apologize, and I know that I had to do it.
@@Akbobin because we attract what we don't have.
@@ladytrizzy meaning?
I would add about the focus on small flaws thing - the “flaws” one might focus on isn’t necessarily physical traits. It might be something like “oh they have too many expectations… And I won’t be able to fulfill those expectations. That makes me vulnerable because then they might leave me …so I’d rather pull away and just be friends even if I have feelings for them.”
Meanwhile the expectations aren’t that much. In fact the FA is expecting the other to not have expectations in this scenario. That’s a big expectation!
Basically focusing on flaws is an excuse to distance… which is safe
How would you fix this then using her advice in video?
Thats exactly what I heard " I realized I am not able to fulfill your expectations" I was like WTF what expectations?
What would an FA want exactly to help them get over this fear? Or is there nothing we can do 😢
@@henryzhao4622 My ex left me after I said he needed to get help or we needed couples counseling because things weren't working out as they were. He said he's too maxed out with other serious life challenges to work on himself. Just 2 weeks prior, he said he was going to get help because he wanted to fight for us.
He expected me to change my life, behaviors, the way I spoke, etc so as not to trigger him, basically putting his unresolved traumas on my shoulders to carry. And my request for him to take some responsibility because the burden was too much, it was too big of an expectation. I believe he also took it as an ultimatum and that I was about to end it, so he beat me to it. I was ill prepared for his reaction. It's been over 5 weeks, and I haven't heard a peep from him.
To answer your question, I don't think there's anything we can do. I did everything I could so he wouldn't get triggered and it didn't work. He became ever more jealous, suspicious, triggered and controlling. Then when it exhausted me and my light dimmed, he wasn't happy with that either. He at least recognized it was due to him, but he lost attraction nevertheless, because of what I was doing and putting up with to try to make him feel safe and comfortable. He knew I was walking on eggshells, afraid to do or say something that would trigger him and turn into days of him having extreme jealousy and anxiety. Anyways, I believe the FA attachment style, more than any other insecure types, need to do some level of work and take some responsibility. Otherwise, we end up in a position where, no matter what we do or don't do, we simply cannot win.
My ex was an extreme FA. He swung extreme to and from avoidance to anxious. The fact that he loved me was all it took to scare the crap out of him and hit on all of his triggers, insecurities, wounds and unresolved traumas. The closer we got, the worse he got. He became enmeshed and emotionally reliant on me in his last anxious phase, which scared and stressed him out so bad, he cut and run to beat me at what he perceived as potential rejection. I'm also FA, leaning heavily anxious. He really trampled on my abandonment wound, so as much as I miss him and want him back, I won't reach out and wouldn't take him back if he reached out right now. Me also being FA has helped whenever he pulled back since it scared me and caused me to pull back also. I know I won't ever initiate contact, especially since he broke up with me. And I don't think he will, either, especially since he refused to work on himself and I stood firm in that being a requirement in order for us to continue.
Secure here. Left an FA twice. First time because she was literally exhausting emotional chaos.
She chased me for months. I said no a dozen times and that I didn’t believe she had healed. She persisted and I gave in, very stupidly to give it another try.
She was great for about one month. Then the cycle returned worse than before.
Left the second time because I could see she’d never change. She was downright emotionally manipulative and the hardest person I’ve ever been in a relationship with.
Went no contact a few months later.
Events external to me have transpired that convince me more that she is a covert narcissist that thinks she’s an FA.
Yeah, that’s interesting. Saying she changed doesn’t sound very FA. When I figured out her self sabotaging issues and where many of the came from, she couldn’t bear to face them. And since I wanted a compromise she wouldn’t do that because knowing she was the problem would be too overwhelming
Thais has said that people don’t tell you their boundaries but will show you, my ex continually showed me she was not willing to do the work but wouldn’t tell me her boundaries. Accepting my reality and moving on.
for boundaries not being explicitly verbally specified, the medium used for showing makes for the message then. indeed, lots of www-pop psych. advice does figuratively resemble plumbing or other technical triage heuristics. by ppl. who'd be challenged to follow trough even a most logical resasonable argument.
This is kind of a nightmare... I feel sorry for fa people but be careful trying to go back... be concious of looking after yourself... this seems so hard... 🙏
As an FA, this would be the perfect way I would want to work something out with someone. I will keep these things in mind in the future. Thanks so much!
how accurate is the 3-4 weeks mark for the feelings hitting you? what is that time like: uncontrolled sobbing or just missing them? provided the FA did the breaking up, what is a better course, waiting for them to make the move or contacting them?
@@adamwood87 Well not everyone is the same some ppl might start initially missing them but then it not fully hit for another 4 weeks. You should reach out bc they might not due to not wanting to be rejected or if they do they'll still be confused emotionally. I think that was mentioned in another video the FA being less successful in trying to reconcile after a breakup do to not having emotionally regulated so not understanding what they want and need still but just reacting.
@@jclyntoledo i posted that a year ago, i was able to come to my senses about the correct course of action during that time.
@@adamwood87 What was your correct course of action for this? I'm trying to figure out how to reconcile with my FA, currently only under a week after a blindsided break up (he did it out of nowhere). I want things to work and I'm also working on myself, but I don't want to chase him away and I want to help him heal by showing him attachment theory when we decide to see each other again.
@@electranorwood4798 put simply, what i was talking about was accepting that she didn't/doesn't want to be with me, and even though it's painful, i can't change her mind. i can't make someone want to be with me.
if your ex comes back, that's the time to grow as a couple. in the meantime, you can only control what you do.
furthermore, i recognize that if someone has a good enough reason to come back to me, they never had a good enough reason to leave, and i don't want to be with someone who left me for no good reason.
take care of yourself, Electra.
Thank you so much for this video. I'm in no contact with my fearful avoidant ex. Your videos have really helped me process everything between us
How's it going? Hope all is well
any update? how are you two
@Billy B yeah
I was pretty sure I was a DA until I began learning about FA. Granted I think I can relate to both in ways, but the imbalance in relationships and crossing of boundaries I didn't know I had has always been why I leave, and I realize in retrospect how little I was able to communicate to the person my needs. I'm thankful for therapy and the ability to process and heal my deeper traumas.
I
This was so useful. As an FA trying to work to become more secure I really valued hearing you 'lacks' or wounds a partner or friend might feel from an FA. I'd really appreciate hearing more of these; they give me a concrete idea of what to work on and how sabotaging behaviours are manifesting. It's a better perspective of how my reactions might make someone feel and how they might act.
how accurate is the 3-4 weeks mark for the feelings hitting you? what is that time like: uncontrolled sobbing or just missing them? provided the FA did the breaking up, what is a better course, waiting for them to make the move or contacting them?
@sadcowboycat1995 Also interested in hearing!
I’ve been binge watching your videos today and finally after weeks I have so much clarity about what happened and the hope I was looking for!! Thank you! I feel how much you sincerely want to serve and I’m so grateful to have found you!!
STARTS 4:50
This is how you can tell that the Personal Development School is the way of a positive fulfilling way to live. Thais gives an introduction on how to follow a path and use tools to do something while being authentic. Most other videos just tell you how to "hack" or "cheat" the system. Then we wonder why we are stuck in ruts or why we are in a bad place... Well if you start the process off with negative intentions or having their self in mind then it won't work. What you put in you get out. So if you put in good in then you will get good out....
8 months down the line I still miss my FA ex, I’d love to have another chance. Bumped into her and managed to say good morning.
Who broke up? Whats your attachment style?
any update?
any update?
You don’t want to win these people back. They need help and healing. You will lose yourself while draining your energy on this person. You end up resentful towards them and yourself . 😊
This is a personal perspective based on your experience. You have to remember that attachment styles really lie on a spectrum, depending on how much the person has done work on themselves so in your experience, the person might be horrible to deal with, but that doesn’t mean that all people lean towards a fearful attachment, or any of the insecure attachments are impossible to work with
I am an FA , and I totally agree with you. I’ve got some other categories as well. Secure, anxious and dismissive avoidant are also included.
You can reunite with an ex, no mater what attachment style. The problem is, most people don’t change. You can give them another chance, but if you find out they haven’t changed, you need to move on.
Agreed
I don't think all of them are beyond hope. That's rather unfair
Well said
This reminds me of Robert Greene’s 48 Laws Of Power. Certainly an evil book if used with evil intent. But if you use it to open your eyes to power dynamics in your life, your relationships or workplace, it can help you navigate those dynamics and defend yourself against people who instinctively know who to do it.
This information here can certainly be used as a manipulation tool in the hands of someone with less than scrupulous intentions, but it can also be used to help you navigate the storms of interpersonal relationships. I read a lot of high-horse, ivory tower stone throwing comments about “just get the hell out while you can” coming from people who may or may not be paragons of relational stability themselves. Fact is, the more you learn about any of this stuff, the more you have tools at your disposal to deal with the people in your life, for better or worse.
I don’t recommend anyone dating one ! Take it as a learning lesson 😊
Ha ha and as a thoughtful and considerate , communicating and loving and committed man, I’ve washdishes, do laundry, change the oil and gas up her car, cook, clean and taken for granted .
Relationships aren’t hard. I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
Be thoughtful
Be loving
Be kind
Be loyal
Be patient
Be selfless
Be willing to grow
Be trustworthy
I love your disclaimer about 'win someone back' videos! People do use psycholgical insights to manipulate others and themselves. There can not be enough emphasis on this especially with so many relationship coaches out there who abuse psychological insights by teach to manipulate others and dismiss oneself to be appealing.
Could you go more indepth into the differences between male and female FAs? That would be great! I would love a series on gender roles and their effect on attachment styles!
These videos are giving me life!! ❤🙌 Do you have a podcast?
There is a podcast it's just not super active at the moment. But you can find it by searching “The Personal Development School” on apple podcasts - PDS team
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool do you have any books too?
@@valscabrera7659 www.amazon.com/Attachment-Theory-Guide-Strengthening-Relationships/dp/1646115457/ref=sr_1_12?dchild=1&qid=1601828620&refinements=p_28%3AAttachment+Theory&s=books&sr=1-12
Did she answer you.
@@camillod734 yes it says above ❤
As an FA, how do you know when it's your attachment style causing the issue, versus you just not being compatible with the person?
I’ve always wanted to know this answer! Great question!
Agreed. Excellent question. I am an FA, and left a sexually compatible but emotionally unavailable DA. In that context I was more invested. Now I’m with an AA, he’s amazing but I feel a bit suffocated and I’m not quite as viscerally attracted to him. I am not sure if my avoidant tendencies are emerging due to attachment styles or if he is not right for me.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I think that as a FA, your attachment style is what makes you incompatible with most people. Unless you are very self aware and willing to communicate clearly, listen to your partner and actually work on the relationship instead of giving in to that feeling you have to run away when there's a problem. Otherwise, you won't ever stay with anyone, because there's no such thing as the perfect relationship. I think it's very important to look at your own history and recognize your patterns. Act from rational reflection, not from fear and emotion. Don't make decisions when you're feeling triggered. I think that could help.
Pieter Fret- I think you’re absolutely right. My AA and I (FA), just started Imago couple’s therapy and having a therapist point out and reflect back our core wounds to us, has been totally transformative in our relationship.
@@dr.dermixgirlmd7479 Well done! You're taking important steps towards healing your core wounds, and it's so important to be able to do that with the support and understanding of your partner. I just wish my FA ex would've been prepared to work together on our attachment difficulties (I'm AA) instead of just giving up and leaving...
Dr. Gibson, your videos keep getting better! Lots of respect for your growth as a content creator
Dude… THANK YOU for this… I’ve gained so much understanding and insight about myself & others I care for…. Man…
7:05 8:04 Main reason FA leaves
12:47
13:32
14:40
14:56
HOW DID YOU READ MY MIND! Exactly what I needed, at the exact time. Thank you so much.
we had a feeling! - PDS team
Can you do more videos on the initial stages of dating and how attachment styles can play into that.
This is incredible. I'm going to your website because I need to become an actual paying member to help myself with this. Love from The Hague!
I wanna get my ex back so bad. She's definitely FA & I'm more anxious. Since the break up there's been crazy clarity of how I unconsciously reacted to her for not giving me the love and affection I gave her. I understand there has to be more security in myself and confidence because depending on the relationship for happiness is not a no go. However, I can't help but feel that the opposite side of the spectrum also needs to learn how to grow from their side. I feel like both sides are insecure in their own way. I really do hope she can realize with this no contact how much we loved each other and comes back to me or at least reaches out. I'm not sure if female FA's reach out to their ex after they dumped them. I also think that our problems could be fixed easily if we both took a step down and tried to understand each other. However I feel like it'll be harder for a FA to understand. What do yall think?
What ended up happening?
Nothing. She aint hmu at all. I havent hit her up either
Sorry man. I'm talking to mine too close to when she ended it and I feel I am doing more harm than good to our relationship. She's so cold. Just says she wants to keep talking to "get to know me better." I don't know man. It's scary how they shut down. It's as if what you meant, you no longer mean. AT ALL. Better to do what you are doing I think. Because their tone toward you will break you as an anxious person. I too am anxious and this is awful
Trust me, this os far far far from simple to fix. FA's have the most core wounds, the most complicated characters, the least likely to want or recognise the need to change and have the most difficult journey to becoming secure. They can do it but it is probably the most difficult challenge of their life as to change themselves they must overcome their subconcious.
@@Fuji_Investments he needs to be transparent with the FA?...What about the FA?...Wheres their transparency?
I noticed his willingness not to communicate with me..and express to me how he was feeling about something..And although I kept expressing to him that hey all it takes is a little communication..He would say we'll this is all the communication that I'm able to give..Never gave the relationship a chance..walls were up & stayed up..
Yeah. There is no attempt to try. You accept what you are given. Same way it was for me. I'm sorry. It's painful. Probably the worst thing I've ever experienced. You love them, you try for them and they don't care because of their contradicting defense mechanisms. It's impossible.
@@jamesgraves9858 it's so frustrating, because all i would need is a little more communication and i could accept that she is FA.. but she can't and isn't willing to work on it, and i know you can't help someone if thry're not willing to help themselves.
This is your best video in terms of a practical how to, and the idea of a deadline is especially helpful because there isnt an unlimited timeline for things to change.
This is probably the best video on being a fearful avoidant on this channel. I feel VERY seen.
I am an FA. Once trust is broken, I’m done. It takes time to build trust, but seconds to tear it down.
This gives me hope for a possible future with my FA love. Thank you so much!
Would you be able to do a video on the best attributes of each attachment style?
Could you please discuss the FA’s need for novelty in a dedicated video?
I am on anxiety part and more I think about it more I feel anxiety about wining him back or staying friends, feels like too much work and too much pain. It’s just two weeks passed, maybe I feel different after some time but now I feel I will better be alone. Maybe secure attached or more anxious people can handle that, not me
If you feel he’s worth it, don’t avoid it. Go for it, fight for him. You might just find yourself finding happiness
@@afonsolucas2219 really? Or piece of work, where you will always be the adult one
Conflict avoidant
I am a woman, but I have more traits of a male FA 😢 always looking for flaws to 🏃🏽♀️, but I used to be DA, so it makes sense.
I’m an fa and just watching these to learn about me 😂
Thank You very much ... You are amazing. ... But still I think the best way is to work on ourselfs, to heal ourself and than not struggle with these kinds of challanges so much. :-)
I'm an FA trying to mend things with another FA. I messed up. I ran with assumptions because i didnt know my needs, I was scared, triggered and just stopped engaging them. 😪 I need help.
Keep working @ it
Be straight about what you've done, apologize, express that you would have done differently had you thought beforehand.
It’s weird bc I’m also FA but I never really looked into that part of myself so this is helpful for me too since I’m attracted to other FAs
This happened to me. I’m an AA (or at least an AA currently lol. I took your quiz and I’m split AA and secure) my partner is a least a FA. 6.5 years we were together and I brought up that maybe we were having some issues and it triggered her to withdraw from things. I admit I did some things that she mentioned, we didn’t go on enough dates, things maybe got lazy between us. All very fixable things. But then she said she thought I wouldn’t care for her which was crazy to me! And some other things. She convinced herself of these issues and dwelled on them and I think it hurt her a lot even though some weren’t true. I can see it in her family dynamic why she is like this way. I wish I could send her these videos but I’ve already overstepped my communications boundaries. It’s been about 6 weeks so far. I’ve communicated everything that I can to address everything but it’s up to her now to decide to come back or not. I’m 4 days into no contact and watching these videos helps a lot and gives a lot of clarity because I would have been in the dark on all of this otherwise. Thank you.
Is it good to go no contact ? For fas ??
Did she ever come back?
@@tyleryoung306 nope never talked me again and it’s been a little over a year lol
Would love to see a video about deactivating and self sabotage in the Fearful Avoidant. Also how they grieve failed relationships i.e. LTR’s and marriages
She has them in the course
Almost perfect relationship. Great soul. Totally workable. She was unable to understand her own needs. To bad. Their lost. Maybe we cross another day
Thank you, and I wish you so much health and happiness! ^‿^ These Fearful Avoidant series videos have been astoundingly resonant for me with regard to an ex of mine... She and I have enough distance between us that I don't think we should try to rekindle anything, but this is at least helping me understand how and why things became the most mundane Lovecraftian nightmare imaginable toward the end.
I'm humbly amazed at how great a job you've done at distilling your personal experiences with Fearful Avoidant attachments into such cogent and enlightening nuggets of truth. Thank you again.
Is your ex addressing the insecure attachment at all, to your knowledge? Sounds like you have a good handle on the situation, hope you are doing well
@@rebeccav7420 "Is your ex addressing the insecure attachment at all, to your knowledge?"
She never, ever spoke of seeing a therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, or similar. I gently encouraged her toward it as we got to know eachother more and more deeply, and shared personal experiences throughout my childhood where it helped immensely to speak and work with somebody who knew how to help; she would respond positively to that, but only in a vague "That sounds cool! I'll look into it. :)" sort of way that I learned to associate with her never following through with things.
She has since cut ties from me. Over time she went from telling her mother that I "get her" better than any other guy she's met before, to her trying to act like we had never meant anything special to eachother. In the aftermath, I felt like I was on the receiving end of both sides of the song Somebody That I Used To Know -- from "you didn't have to cut me out / pretend it never happened / and that we were nothing" to "now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over / but had me believing it was something that I had done."
It got to the point where neither of us wanted to start a confrontation and yet only one of us wanted to work on it... So ultimately I said that I "lower-case l" loved her enough to let her go, and stopped trying to push the Sisyphean stone any further than that.
She strongly identifies with / hides behind the fact that she's a Scorpio, "and Scorpios are very secretive people," so she merrily used that as an excuse to disappear, lie by omission, put on new masks, and so on.
Now I just see that as her costume for fearful avoidant behavior. Three out of four of her serious relationships before me were with emotionally abusive guys, and even when speaking of her parents, she said "my parents can become quite toxic at times." So, she's got a lot of weeds to clear out of that back lot, so to speak.
Meanwhile, my relationships with friends and family are better than they've ever been, and I know that I'll be making my own Happily Ever After whether I'm with a partner or not.
I'll hush up now; I don't mean to gobble up your time, so I don't expect anything in response. Continued best wishes to you, though. I'm super thankful to have found your channel! ^‿^
Bestest teacher on youtube! ❤️
So sabatoge and manipulation because they can't communicate like adults, mostly because of guilt through their own actions. It's like a child being upset at their mom or dad without saying why, then they lock themselves in their room right behind the door with a peep hole installed. When the parents want to talk it out, the kid remains silent. Then when the parents just go back to their stuff around the house, the kid is right back at the peep hole watching.
I know that might be a harsh comparison for some in the comments, but for someone on the receiving end of any avoidant attachment style this is how it feels to probably everybody else who isn't avoidant. Here's a perfect example - I've broken No contact/radio silence twice to attempt and just simply re connect over a drink or a fond memory, and get met with utter silence. Yet I'll post a photo on instagram the very next day, and guess who is one of the first people to like my photo or view my story....you guessed it, the person who chose to ignore my attempt of reconnecting just hours before.
I ended up making a very bold move and showing up personally where they did not really expect me. I'd say it was not "successful" but it helped me a lot. Because I was able to see all of this wavering in person. All of their indecisiveness. Yes, they do want me, then they do not. Then they do not want to want me because they are afraid they will fall in love and they don't want it. Then we kiss, then they are white as a wall behind them.
You may think that it's not humanly possible to change your mind so quickly, but apparently it is.
That is the root of it. Communication. It’s baffling how closed off they are. I honestly don’t get why they expect their partners to be mind readers. It’s the most harmful of all expectations
FA is literally not ready for a relationship … feel bless and don’t settle for less. SIMPLE
Thank you so much Tais as Im giving this comment to thank you endlessly and you brought for me unknown info hope you see this comment.
It’s funny how they somehow want you back when you no longer care or want them anymore.
has anyone tried this with any success? i wish people who used these videos can come back to share the experience
That'd be awesome
I am an FA and no one has ever approached me in the way she described. Many times I dont reach out when I want to because I fear person hates me. But Ill replay the conversation in my mind of how I want it to go should they reach out...and its exactly as Thais described.
@@AceOfWands895 my ex girlfriend told me she don't love me anymore without any reason then i broke up without her . I still 60 days in no contact . She blocked me after 45 days of no contact . What that's mean?
Very interesting, it sounds a bit exhausting through... I will still try it out.
thank you 🥺❤️
I think my ex is a fearful avoidant because when she broke up with me she said that our lifestyles are just too dofferent where she likes to go out and party and stay out late and i prefer to wake up early. She later liked something on instagram about "leaving them first" and i feel like that was about me. She said at the breakup how much she thinks she prefers more masculine guys and she thinks i didnt have a spine. Those words stay with me and sting because i do think thats a fair criticism, i often dont stick up for myself and i need to work on that. I don't care to stay stuck in the friendzone and just removed myself from her friends. She can have all the distance she wants. I do need to work on myself. I need to be more self confident and i need to do what i want. I had no desire to abandon her and i wanted to work things out but im not going to just up and change everything. I loved her so much and i did anything and everything i could for her. I dont think it will ever be enough because she will always have that nagging feeling at the back of her mind that im not the right one. I tried though.
It's not really a small issue if the FA has communicated their needs and the person consistently does the same.
This video is assuming that the FA isn't aware of their patterns and isn't communicating. Sometimes they have communicated.
Video starts at 4:50
My FA just dumped me yesterday, I'm gutted. She says she'll contact me after we give eachother some distance but idk about that. She's an FA due to SA in her childhood and had recently told me she's began her healing journey with herself and her relationship with men in general and her isssues with intimacy. Idk if there's hope we can eventually get back together later.
Hi! it's been 4 months, what happened? I'm in a similar situation.
@@joelolguin37 she contacted me about 2 weeks ago to check in on me and see how I'm doing cause I had been dead on socials for abit and she said she was worried. And that's about it, we haven't really talked
EXCELLENT CONTENT! BLESSINGS
thanks for your comment - PDS team
Thank you so much for these videos💜
You're so welcome - PDS team
You help me so so so much. Thank you.
What if you don’t want to spend all your time fix ing other people and you just want to find people who aren’t avoidant and deal with those types of people exclusively?
She talks about what to look for in secure people in the course
Then why are you here, she told in the beginning of the Video when to consider it
You should do that then ❤️.
My FA ex partner resent and blame me for being overwhelmed trying 'fulfilling my needs' (when i try to reach him out after 4 weeks)while i'm the one trying to encourage him to communicate his needs about space over times, he told me that its just the way he is and even suspicious that i want to control or change him.... i try my best to sooth him and talk in a calm way even after all the accuse and resentment, its kinda disheartening when he point out all my weakness and assume the times we spend together in bad ways... its ended up hurt myself more knowing he devalue myself this much... i may love him that much for settling just for breadcrumbs.... but the moment he gaslight me and cant even remember only bad things about me, its the time i guess i need to let him go....
*even remember only the bad things about me that he assume
You have just described my thoughts and feelings pefecley ive just split with girlfriend who i adore for the third time in four months always me pushing her away deliberately causing her to dump me
I did the work….he didn’t. He saw right through the mask and said it felt unnatural. This is true.
I believe that if someone has an insecure attachment style while their partner is secure, there is already an incompatibility. A secure person should be with another secure individual because this allows for a healthier relationship where two people can equally contribute. I think it should be more of a focus to help people go from insecure to secure instead of teaching people how to get back with someone they aren't compatible with anyway. Its already an unhealthy relationship because one party doesnt not have the self awarness to be with the other. There is a lack within the connection. I don't see why anyone would want to reconcile a relationship with someone that is not healthy and secure within themself. Its better to take the loss and move on to allow space in your life for someone that is compatible with you. I dont think insecure attachment style people should be in relationship until they do they work on themselves first. That's is just my perspective.
I agree that doing the work is super important. It's also the most difficult work in the world.
@@LucaAnamaria The work is hard but its a choice to not grow. There are two choices: feeling pain, hurt, and fear because this is where I am comfortable with although its not working, or make the uncomfortable first step of doing the inner work that will make you happier in the long term. I've noticed a lot of people will choose comfortablity versus growth because of fear of change.
100000% agree.
@@LucaAnamaria Im glad you agree with me and Im not the only one whos see this 🙌🏽
@@Kiana-Michelle Well, the one thing I will say, though--as a person who is diligently working on her own insecure attachment style--is that I think it's ok for a secure person to date an insecure person as long as the latter individual is self-aware, growth oriented, and committed and determined enough to work on themselves and that relationship. So I disagree with your statement to an extent...but I understand how frustrating it can be for a secure to have to "baby sit" another human who is unaware and unwilling to grow. That's frustrating in any relationship, with or without an attachment incompatibility.
My wife left me and hasn't said a word to me in 3 months , but I believe this is what she is . How long do I give her space or how to do I get my wife back
Contact !! I think that she will appreciate that you want to communicate with her in a peaceful way and being yourself with her, tell her about your feelings with complete honesty, you want her back ? Tell her !! And tell her why you want her back, and then let everything just go with the flow if she still cares she'll probably come back, you have given her enough space for 3 months, as long as you stay away from her that makes her get away from you more, so try to get you together to talk about this.
Thank you , I wrote a letter to her
@@marcusperdue505update?
@ellimistk5797 I still haven't heard from her , still blocked . I sent a letter and gift for her birthday June 12th. No response. Letter consists of moving forward, letting her know that I changed and gave over to God. I left a voice mail on her birthday as well . Still nothing back . She hasn't posted anything . So idk , I'm just being still posting things on media to show my changes and praying cause there's nothing I can do
@ellimistk5797 she knows I'm not giving up on our marriage or her , she knows I love her and only her . I take my vows very serious and don't believe in divorce and last she told me she didn't believe in it ether so I feel God is not wanting me to give up so I'm not and just praying that God works a miracle in her heart and our marriage
I feel as if it is my fault, but the fearful avoidant woman I was involved with has wound up blocking me on the phone and social media. It was over two instances of how I had missed the cue to take the role of being assertive and “defend” her in small situations where she felt that people were coming across as either disrespecting her or intentionally taking space away from her. First instance was on a subway ride downtown, where a stranger was looking at her and she confronted him about it. She told him off while I told him that even though I also let my eyes wander when I am traveling, I do not look at others with contempt because I try to be respectful to everyone around me. I told him to just say “there is no problem, I am sorry.” And to just go about his day. Second instance was because of a target employee bumping into her as she was walking ahead of me and not apologizing for it. I did not say anything at the time because I’ve a tendency to dissociate when I feel anxious. She cut ties with me afterward and has revoked admin privileges to a mental health awareness group she had added me to, removed me from said group, and blocked my number afterward. A long story indeed.
He tells me he has no space for me but he wants to be w me, but hes not reafy for commitment or responsibility. This is ourv3rd try in 22 yrs, so i left him but now i feel so sad😢
thank you for this video! can you link the video you mentioned about FA females & disconnection?
I was about to write the same thing, thank you!
czcams.com/video/Ke3xnVtw8OI/video.html
Thank you ☺️💟
Love your videos and considering your school. I do have a question tho. So much of the FA pattern and anxious seems to match my current relationship. We seem stuck in power struggle and the patterns seems to match what you describe. However, we both also deal with depression and so I am wondering if and how these attachments relate to the attachment pattern vs someone is has BPD and is struggling. Would you say these intertwine and trigger one another? Im trying to distinguish, am i dealing with an attachment pattern or with BPD...or both?
Starts at 4:50
Can you do a video on navigating broken trust with a FA? I can attest to breaking my FA’s trust in a big way. Should I be all the way honest with what I did or should I keep it to myself if I’m trying to get back with her?
Question!!??!! If you are an AA and your dude is an FA, when you ask for words of affirmation or ask if "we are ok" doesn't that make them feel like you're being needy and then it just sets them off with a series of triggers that causes this insane cycle you're trying desperately to avoid.
I veered from being mostly secure into a very AP style mindset when my D leaning FA started deactivating. I tried to remain calm and mature, and did request politely that my needs in a healthy relationship be acknowledged and honored. I honestly just wanted my love languages of words of affirmation and quality time. He would reply to my asks that I sounded like I was 'begging for a handout' in a very rude way. One time I asked via text and he just flat out said that his brain didn't work like that so I'd get what I get. These incidents were the beginning of me choosing to walk away but it was, and sometimes still is ... very difficult.
I’m a FA and just went through a breakup. I’ve been closed off for a week and don’t feel like I could open up or feel comfortable with my ex no matter what he said or did. I don’t trust him, or really anyone. It’s too hard. Sorry.
What did he do for you not to trust?
@@kicksalot9943 probably nothing
@@kicksalot9943 In my case, my DA partner constantly found flaws in me (FA) and talked about them with his family and friends behind my back. I felt betrayed and disrespected, lost trust in him and became withdrawn, no longer feel the need to share my personal life with him.
:(
You have to get them to sit and talk with you first. This didn’t really give us a path to reconnect.
04:45
What should i do if she monkeybranched 2 weeks after she broke up? I wrote her a letter 3 weeks later where i said sorry for hurting her feelings (i worked too much and got burnout and depression so i didnt want make that much activities, and i focused to much on work spending less time with her)
hi, i really like this, In my situation i feel resistance to the advice though. My friend, (who may be a fearful avoidant) literally projects a negative fantasy onto very benign or neutral circumstances and then acts out in an abusive way towards me, he is also genuinely really very nice though and I like him a lot, and when he isnt doing this we have a great relationship. My issue is that, after several instances like this in one week, I broke off our friendship, I want to try again, but, I am not sure I can genuinely listen to perspective, because he is blaming, and has been verbally abusive, because of his emotional exposiveness about things that havent actually happened.i feel like i would be abandoning both myself and truth if i did that... any advice at all?
I feel this. They create you in their mind, they don't see the person you are as you stand beside them
Why would anyone want to?
Nice one
This was helpful
What’s confusing is an FA wants to feel important, but what about their fear of enmeshment. The balance is difficult to achieve.
This really made me think. We don't want to feel inportant as in that you need us to take care of you. Like an avoidant we feel you need to know in the end you are responsible for yourself. We tent to overgive and therefor are affraid of enmeshment. Mostly from our own behaviour as we tent to fall for unavailable lovers that don't see us for who we are. But with AA's they can cling very much. My time, my friends, my relax time. So I wouldn't use the word inportant in that sense. You need to have your own time and life. You need to take care of yourself because we get resentful if we give and give over our own needs to have some space apart but also because just like DA's we have learned that we are responsible to fullfill your own needs. Even tho we would try to fullfill others if they become dependent on us that is the thing that makes us feel enmashed and used. Second part is why do they make us inportant? Not because they prioritise our needa but it's because of they want to see their needs fullfilled in this clingy aspect. They full it out of us. Instead just ASK!! When would you like to meet again? Instead of: hey I love to come over tonight. Should I bring food? You see in the latter there is no room for my need and it's really hard to say no when you adore the other. But they take up so much space of me that I can't have my own much needed space and when we are together I am overgiving as it's far from my need. So ask questions about our needs and stay responsible for your own life and put energy in yourself outside of the relationship and don't overask.. Make us feel inportant by being thankfull showing appreciation and give all your love languages because that's how we feel charished and secure.
I wish I could talk to thais herself. Because I hear the videos and find a understanding but I still don't know how to apply it my life. Like expressing my need. I struggle so so much with expressing needs. How to express it. I would like help but idk where to go.
awesome stuff Thais! 3 or 4 week mark... what if its been 4 months? any changes to the strategy?
This ! We need to know
Great video!
My FA left 6-8 weeks ago.
Last 2 weeks ago she tells me she isn’t in love with me. Move on!!!
She then starts talking to a guy and
The next weekend she slept with him over a weekend.
Now she is trying to reconnect.
I don’t know how to move on?
Not sure I can ever get over that betrayal.
Tho she called it off, she slept with him 5 days later.
How should I handle this situation?
Is it possible after having a big fight? I had a situationship with an FA who was also still doubting to go back to her ex. She told me some reassuring things but we had to take distance to help her sort things out. She didn't really do anything for a while and I got really mad.. I was so afraid of losing her and I was angry that she saw him and didn't tell him the things she told me. I feel like I really messed up :(
Why!?
Win yourself back instead! It like jumping through hoops for these avoidants and for what? They drain your soul and play the victim to the next person too. You deserve better!
Is 3 months apart to long to salvage a relationship with a FA and how do I approach it?
I would like to know this, too. This is where I am. Also, my FA deactivated real hard and blocked me immediately after the break up so, I don't have any way to really contact him other than a letter or an email or something. Since blocking is a pretty clear boundary, do I ignore the boundary or send a letter anyway?
@@goldielox2382 don’t contact
@@user-ww1ow5yi2u I never did send the letter. I felt like it would be a violation of his boundary. I am still in contact with his mom from time to time, but I never bring him up with her and neither does she. We have a seperate relationship and I don't want to cross that boundary and put her in a position where she has to talk bad about her son. But, otherwise, I haven't had contact with him since the break up...and he hasn't unblocked me. It still breaks my heart. I got some distance from it a few months ago and started to date someone new. I thought I was ready...but, when that didn't work out after a few months because we were highly incompatible, I felt all the feelings about the break up/my ex and the sadness from lack of closure come rushing back.
I wish I had a better update, but I don't. I still don't think the right move is to send a letter, though. My gut just tells me it's a bad idea.
@CD did you contact and what happened?
any update?
My fearful avoidant and I were in a long distance relationship (different countries).
I was going to be visiting where he lives and asked if we could meet for coffee- no expectations but as friends. I said this to take the pressure off.
He wrote back and said meeting isn’t a good idea and that he doesn’t think friends is for us. What do I do? I’m heartbroken..
what we really need is how a FA can win back a secure partner after emotionally quarantining ourselves to go get therapy lol. come back bby i’m better now 😭😭😭
I’m a fearful avoidant but I have no problems with trust at all. Like I have so much trust in my partners that’s it’s weird. Idk
Where’s the disconnection video?