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fearful avoidant INJF here... lol

I must seek counsel with the grand pillow oracle on this question.

"Learn to meet your own needs." I hope the followers who argue AGAINST this philosophy in the comment section of DA videos are paying attention.

Hello! I took your quiz and it says that I have a secure attachment style. I unfortunately did not have a loving and healthy upbringing and this confuses me…just a little lol. Now, I have been practicing self reflection since childhood..but I can’t tell if some of the healing methods I’ve implemented have worked, or if I have a false reading of sorts. I generally feel out of touch in relationships and have been told by many close to me that I tend to make them feel small. I feel as if I match the description and genuinely try to be a solid person walking the earth…but I also feel like horrible for unintentionally making anyone feel a certain way. Like if I walk my shopping cart back and someone makes a joke I’ll say something like “well, good people wouldn’t think twice about it” then the other person feels as if I said something about them….with people telling me that I make them feel this way, I always feel as if I’m in a cycle of neutral growth. I know obviously there isn’t a finish line, but if I’m doing alright….I hate the thought that it’s not me and it’s just all around me….the reason is because I accidentally lost someone important to me..I had expected them to see growth as an objective and easy to implant tool (because I reason everything like a dumbass). That’s when I learned that I learned that my weakness was impatience…or was my weakness adhering to boundaries that I now I realize I could have been stronger throughout. Ahhhhh! In all my life that’s the only time I really regret standing up for myself…..well..thanks for reading and for the awesome video! I got to get back to work cause I paused the video to take the quiz and got all caught up for a second. Bye y’all!

They are defective at the core, something IS very wrong with them. So if they think that way, they're not wrong.

🙏🏻

I have fear of abandonment but when the alarm in my head goes off I tend to shut like a clam and I need my boyfriend to be kind and reassuring. Anyway, your eyes are gorgeous.

Why do I get the feeling that none of our DA's are watching videos about us?

Such a sad situation.... My ex FA pulled away after expressing deep feelings for me. He eventually monkey branched to another, aided by her family, to " see where it goes ". They picked him to help her with an issue. I am mostly secure with some FA tendencies myself. I kept my own life, activities, family, and friends. Our relationship was mostly good and lasted four years. He wanted to be friends, but I declined and let him go without tears or drama. After nine months of inner work, I am healing and beginning a new life. At first, I still had hopes that we could get back together. He texts occasionally, but I don't think he will return. Slowly, I have reached the point that I don't want him back. My feelings have changed. He is a decent guy and I know he feels guilty on how he handled the breakup. I could have understood our having a conversation to go our separate ways. I am rational and can understand fears. Monkey branching, no, I can't get past that. The sad part is that I don't think I could ever trust him again. It's like my feelings didn't matter. It's like he only thought of himself and the new love. I am slowly beginning to be happier now without the confusion, wondering, etc. It was too exhausting. It's still sad.

Once 👻 always ghosted. It was never an exception. I hate psychologists think all can be solved by discussing over. Really why we have enemies then or why do narcissists exists. Right i was them to such and talked me into it but students es prved clearly it cant be treated. Fact use your guts instead 😊

My ex and I broke up over a month ago. He’s definitely DA and wanted to be friends two weeks after our break up. At first I shut it down completely. I still cared of course so some time later he reached out (he was rather rude at the time because I said no to a friendship). I humoured him by agreeing to being friends. Now every time we hang out he treats me like I’m still his gf. I’ve spoken to him about it but he’s clearly basking in his freedom and the feelings he has for me. But without the fear of commitment. I know this can’t last forever eventually I’m gonna walk away. I just don’t understand why someone would rationally behave like that. It’s sabotaging what should have been a platonic friendship. Would love some advice and support 😅

As a DA one thing I'm understanding is I should work on being able to ask for things and have my needs on the table to be met in a straightforward way. Because when they're not, when I try to not need anything and be self sufficient, then it's incredibly hard to take on all the needs of the partner. It feels so very unfair and off balance. I need to ditch the belief that anyone including myself can be self sufficient and start "getting my portion" so the partner will not feel like merely a taker.

They attract their pet anxious person but won’t be their forever home.

"Everybody is responsible for their own feelings and needs" EXACTLY how I have operated 😥 If that's the starting point, then literally everything the other person needs feels like a losing proposition. I'm stuffing down MY bad feelings, why can't you deal with yours? I'm suffering through and tring to move past my own hurt and pain without making it your responsibility, AND you're forcing me to fix yours now? In that scenario every appeal to compromise FEELS like manipulation. Taking taking taking. So I must withdraw to protect myself from being "plundered" Not how it has to be ... Just saying, that's 100% how it is experienced

The closer a DA gets their partner, the more it feels like all their eggs are in ONE basket. And when that basket is very anxious and becomes volatile and unstable, it's very scary. They're putting eggs in but it feels like the other person is mainly taking them out. Distancing is risk management, taking some eggs out of the unsteady basket

I think the solution for this is patience. If you're obsessed with someone and you don't 'act' on your fantasy... you give them time to show you what they're all about and whether or not they're interested in you.

Sure support warm selfless doesnt help much because while avoidant is drawn to it in you they avoid it in themselves.. a transcendent dynamic is simply: be nice + say no express healthy boundaries civily. its your job to know what these are and stand Which is good for any situation any attachment style

Should DA's date each other?

I discovered this channel after I had my first experience with a dismissive avoidant, which was so confusing and painful to me. I have learned so much since I was ghosted 6 weeks ago, and these videos have helped me so much in coping with the hurt and multiple questions that I've had over his behavior. Thank you very much, Thais! I am still hurting but at least I understand now what and why things happened as they did.

The example you gave is interesting, though singles can experience limerence as well. In that woman's case, clearly her emotional needs aren't being met in her relationship, so why get married to that guy?? I'd say limerence can be a good indicator of things, provided that you are aware of it and its power, and have a certain degree of discernment & introspection.

🙏🏻

I can so relate to this ❤

Dealing with this rn. Didn’t even realize she was DA until affair was caught by me. 2.5 weeks from d-day. Emotional roller coaster.

These comments about how much people hate DA’s 😂 The plethora of commenters on here are clearly not DA’s because why would they go looking for a video like this anyway? lol

Ive come to understand that i am 100% a DA and ive learned to identify my DA tendencies. I am a SEVERE DA. I meet ALL of the traits. Even though ive learned a lot and tried to fix them i cant. DAs feelings are very very fleeting. I can be over the moon about a girl one day and have ZERO emotion towards her the next. I cant force my emotion. It literally just vanishes. Its a very empty feeling. I hate being a DA

So what initially will bring them in, will make them want to leave. Got it. Sounds like a walking contradiction

Is that why he said I dont want to be your caretaker? Meaning my emotional needs?

I cannot seem to shake the sadness and guilt that comes up every time I learn more about this dynamic. I walked away from a relationship during the FA pulling away stage, as you said it “tormented every fear I have in relationships” and I couldn’t deal with the feeling of abandonment. On top of that, the part of my mind that keeps rehearsing the “what if I would have known better, I wish I knew better, it was all my fault”. Almost a year of no contact and I realize I was the one who ran away and ruined it. *big sigh*

I have a question for avoidants that broken up with their partners. What was the feeling that force you to do that, how long does it lasted, what you were thinking about ur partner at that time?

So basically me in a nutshell 😭😭 I don’t want avoidants to be attracted to me anymore. I’m tired of being let down & feeling like I’m unfulfilled. It doesn’t help that I’m an FA so of course I’m going to push someone away.

On and off again, rips my heart apart. Its hell on earth to go through.

Things make much more sense now…unfortunately

Well done, very true.

But, will she work on herself more as she is in her cave away from us? I'm working my ass off to break through so many unchecked behaviors...if she can't see me, she never will. Someone else will reap the reward...like my kids. Single and starting to like it.

So they love a Good person, and then they hate you for it later. Good to know. avoidants are to self-centered

I like the twist on this video - it highlights the positive things about the individuals that draw in avoidants... instead of focusing on the negatives of having attracted them to begin with.

Is the shadow work a free course? I clicked on but then saw a course that was paid.

what is this new stupid term everyones running around screaming constantly now "no contact" that shit is so fucking stupid and creates an atmosphere of NOT forgiving or trying to fix something with someone who could potentially be a better person im not talking about 10failed attempts but NOW these videos got all these stupid young girls constantly talking about or bragging how theyre NO CONTACT with their exes some of WHOM are genuinely good loving people and now that person wont have a chance to reconcile or fix his marriage or family or home life bc some person online told them to go no contact this shit is stupid IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE SOMETIMES THINGHS HAPPEN AND YALL BREAK UP THERES NOTHING WRONG WIHT FIXING IT OR GOGIN BACK AFTER SOME SPACE IF YOU LOVE EACHOTHER IF THE PERSON IS SHOWING THEIR WILLINGNESS OR ARE ALREDY PUTTING IN THE WORK TO CHANGE THEN GIVE THEM THE CHANCE FUCK THESE COLD BULSHIT UNLIVING TACTICS SHIT IS UNHUMAN AND ALL THESE STUPID LABELS AND DIAGNOSES ON THE INTERNET HAS LITERALY EEEVRRRYYYOONE CAALLING EACHOTHER A NARCISSIT OR DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT OFF A STUPID CZcams VIDEO YES THIS INFORMATION CAN HELP PEOPLE BUT IT SHOULDNT JUST BE GIVEN OUT LIEK THIS BC ANYONE CAN STUMBLE UPON IT AND GET BRAINWASHED

As an FA, the 4 Cs of trust are my bread and butter in any kind of relationship. I won’t be able to fully trust a person who constantly breaks those Cs, especially on the congruency and consideration. When a friend agrees with me to do something together, but that person does it anyways on their own without telling me first, they are breaking 2 of those qualities already, and I obviously get mad at them. Worse is when I call that friend out, and they get defensive as if they did nothing wrong.

Video request- how to break up with an avoidant partner gracefully

You look like Snooki plus Emily blunt :D

this is Main Course ♥

Dear Thais.. I am from India..My husband is a DA…I never knew about it. But after a major incident, I had to seek therapy for both of us.the incident was his other marriage. He secretly had an affair and got married( which he now regrets I feel). We were happily married for 5 yrs.Then the corona phase came and my mother ( whom he was v v attached to passed away) .he himself has had a very detached childhood.his mother is cold, nil EQ, no emotional availability for all her children.i feel my mother’s passing away was a major setback n trigger for him.but you can tell it better. I am seeking answers for my questions.he never wanted to leave me and he didn’t leave me.now he stays with us alternate days.we have 2 children. Whenever i ask him for his wrongdoings, he always says i myself don’t have any clue why did i do it and how could i do it. It was like my mind was clouded.i could not reason out anything. Whatever that girl told me, i agreed.he was also flaw-finding in me during those times.now he says you have no flaws.it was all my fault. I’m not a good person. I did wrong with you but now I’m trapped with her. I don’t understand what to believe. Can you help me gaining an insight of what all has happened with me. I want my questions to be answered which he is unable to. He says i myself don’t understand how it all happened. How do I answer you. Pls help me.🙏🏻

What if it’s their best friend reaching out like sharing her location and sending a text with a period a few days later, probably to see if I blocked her because I sent back location and am not watching stories. I’m trying to feel healthy and safe alone and I’m finally starting to feel great for the first time in my life single. Never have I ever not had someone that I’ve had to answer to or decide things based on a partners wants and needs. I’m giving myself what I’d give to someone else now and it feels awesome. If my ex wants to talk they can contact me. We been no contact since 4/1. Left me devastated and alone. Thankfully she helped me learn such an important thing. How to self regulate. I had no choice but to learn how to feel cuz I was stuck on her but no contact w her

They are terrible people and destructive as hell.

I dont say most of this out koud. The what's on your mind though I do. Maybe because I'm healing, I directly ask how someone feels. Then when that goes bad, I'm out. I used to just not interact at all or keep a distance with someone I liked and never told them and only dated people I didnt like ie safe people. A lot of this involves getting too involved with someone.

❤ Lord help us🙏

❤ Thank you Thais for sharing

that's a hard lesson.

My therapist recently recommended that my wife and I figure out our attachment styles, and at first I was put off by the word "attachment." But after she explained it, I was cool with taking a test to find out and surprisingly my wife took the test as soon as I asked her if she would. We are these two styles. I'm the FA, and she's the DA. I have mommy issues, literally, and she has daddy issues, literally. I haven't really had the chance to see how she feels about what she read about our styles, but I know reading about mine was eye-opening. I read about hers this morning, and it also blew my mind. This video actually just helped me mentally as well because I have been stretching my braincells a mile long trying to figure out why "she just won't work with me on this!" It wasn't until I started thinking a bit more rationally on it, that I realized that she needs a little space to get herself in order, and I try to resolve issues FAR too quickly for her. I just don't like tension. I now know why lol. We're both going to work on getting firmly into that secure attachment box. Thanks for this video. It was very insightful. I'm a new subscriber now!