Fearful Avoidant Attachment Needs THESE 3 Things to Fall in Love
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 28. 05. 2024
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In today's video, Thais Gibson shares the 3 things a fearful avoidant attachment style (disorganized attachment style) needs in order to fall in love. Watch now to learn about what the fearful avoidant attachment style receives love and the 3 ingredients needed as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "Healthy and Passionate Relationships after Emotional Pain", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:35 - Difference Between Infatuation vs Being In Love
00:03:14 - Receiving Love
00:04:30 - Deep Vulnerabilities
00:05:10 - 3 Crucial Ingredients
00:05:27 - Trust
00:06:57 - Emotional Safety
00:09:29 - Seen and Accepted
00:10:30 - 14-Day Free Trial
00:10:47 - What Does This Say About the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style
00:12:32 - Sense of Self
00:13:34 - Self Acceptance
00:15:14 - 14-Day Free Trial
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #FearfulAvoidant #FearfulAvoidantAttachment #DisorganizedAttachment #DisorganizedAttachmentStyle #FearfulAvoidantCourse #FearfulAvoidantNeeds #FearfulAvoidantAttachmentLove
My FA leaning DA ex had the hardest time being able to receive love and her needs meeting met by me. It was really heartbreaking seeing the self sabotage right before my eyes đ
@@anon660 Self-sabotage in the name of self-protection. You FAs can't really break free of this cycle without changing your mindset on things. It's not dangerous or unsafe to accept love
@@anon660 Secure with some DA tendencies
Yup ! I saw the whole rollercoaster đą sending him articles about ambivalent ! One day loving me the next day doubting - horrible self sabotage but also udnestanding that wa better to let him go! My ego didn't want to when I found out about this dynamic I was like begging for him to see what was wrong ! That was my anxious ways - don't recommend it's better to walk away
I suppose when 2 people love each other enough to work through both their and our own âbaggageâ, then we know itâs true love.
Would you still say that if it was a wife beating alcoholic? You may truly love someone, but their issues can be dangerous and requiring a professional's input... not a partner's input. Sometimes true love walks away because that's the only thing that will truly help the other person take action on their baggage.
ââ@@anon660the point is that it's possible to love someone and also leave them. It's possible, also, to NOT love someone and stay... for money or other reasons. Staying with someone isn't the proof of true love, true love does have to walk away sometimes.
ââââ@@anon660I know I honestly truly love my person but I did have to walk away because they are not safe for me... so that was important for me to point out. The love is real but it's real enough to let go even though it hurts because letting go was best for both of us. I deeply pray you never know how real that is. There are those of us who do fall in love with abusive people and making that choice to protect our wellbeing doesn't mean we don't still love them.
@@Littleowl85352 Iâm sorry you went through that. I too allowed myself to be in an abusive marriage for years- twice physically abused and mentally manipulated almost daily. I understand what youâre saying. I stayed due to finances, children, believing the manipulation that no one would ever tolerate me the way he said he did, etcâŠ. Heâs a good man in many ways, and I donât want to bash him. I guess im sharing to say I understand what youâre saying⊠I hear you and want to validate your own conclusions.
I have reached different conclusions: For me, it is impossible to say true love doesnât meet all needs of both people involved. If all needs arenât met (and certainly to the point of walking away), then Iâll call it codependency, toxic, manipulative, anxiety, something⊠but I refuse to call it true love.
ââââ@@anon660maybe we are just different. But I know true love when I feel it and maybe you can't walk away but some of us do and must and can. If it was anxiety or manipulation or any of those dark and terrible things, I would indeed struggle to walk away. I guess it's like a mother who drops their screaming child off at rehab or prison, sometimes it's just for the best.
Recognizing my real vulnerabilities was so key to understanding why ai wasn't connecting deeper. I sure fooled myself thinking I was being open without being a burden.
I'm a fearful avoidant dating a dismissive avoidant . You can probably assume that I lean more anxious due to that . To that I'd say you're right .
I think that's the way of it. Lol †That's been a few of my relationships. FA/DA I had to do a TON of work on myself to lose the anxious. I am so uncomfortable feeling that way. Once I stopped personalizing why a DA does what he does, the anxiety no longer existed. Also, just like anyone else, I have zero problems with walking away from anyone who isn't meeting my needs.
Same here
Right on - story of my 2024, perfectly
Heartbreaking to love someone and realize they just canât. Thank you!
As an FA, my previous long term relationship (almost 5 years) with a suspected AP, I was able to maintain a lot of my independence and pursue career goals and maintain relationships with friends. Now we arenât together anymore. But I feel that being in the relationship actually allowed a lot of growth for me, however I didnât choose wisely and stick with my deal breakers, choosing someone who had a lot of qualities which I wasnât able to deal with in the long term.
Trust issues are hard with us, I wonât lie. I felt like he was always lying to me and could never trust him deeply. Itâs sad because we want to love someone but always feel that they will betray us đą
I remember once I told him I needed space but failed to give me the space I needed after an argument which made me feel even more isolated from him and angry at him aswell. Anger issues is another huge issue with usâŠ..
Bet it feels the same on the other side!
What a brilliant woman. As an FA, I feel like a transparent glass in every FA video Thias and her team makes. How she know me better than I know myself is fascinating. Thank you to the entire PDS team. You give me hope, understanding and a path to healing this old wound. #Bravo đ #Wow
Thank you for your beautiful comment Marc. Weâre so proud of all the hard work and dedication youâve put into your healing journey!!
Your words mirror my own! â€
Great information. Thanks.
Thank you so much for this channel â€
I think I am a Fearful Avoidant. A lot of this video resonates, but I feel like I am pretty open until he crosses that boundary.
Thank you Thais. Everything you said I gave those to my ex wife who is FA but because of her past abusive relationship I think her fears out weighed all of that. She took her mask
off, she felt accepted she ran to me for emotional safety till her unhealed trauma got the best of her. J do wonder if because you had all the 3 things a FA needs to fall in love, I wonder if she is still farming those out to me in way of needing us to be friends
Hi Thais, can you give an example of sharing something of depth about ourselves. I'm not quite sure what would be considered real depth in a share. Thank you!
Hello, Thank you for your feedback and suggestion. I will definitely forward this to our team :)
I've been asking exactly this question, and here is where I landed: for me, real vulnerability just feels embarrassing. I know it "shouldn't", but it does. When I talk about a feeling, experience, or thought with a friend or family member that makes me feel that same embarrassment, and can just own that moment, that strikes me as something very deep and authentic to me. I am generally a very composed person, so being a little unraveled feels like part of it.
Of course, I either make sure it's related to the moment or I prime the conversation ("can I talk to you about something that's been on my mind lately?") But I've noticed that my friends have really responded well to that approach.
I can agree with all of this as a healing FA/SA. It may be self-sabotage to some, but a part of my sabotage is that I really don't find romantic relationships to be necessary. I love to travel, I love my career, I love my family and friends. Those are fulfilling to me. To those who need a partner to feel whole is confusing to me.
I don't ever purposely date. I might give it a shot with someone who pursues me every 5 years or so, but when we're not on the same page, I don't find a point in trying to make it work when I actually prefer not being in relationships in the first place. I feel like relationships are a bonus, an extra in life and if it's a nice ride then great! Once the fighting starts it doesn't feel good to me anymore which makes relationships not worth it. That's not to say that when things get rocky at times and you shouldn't try to make it work. To me an argument once or twice a year is normal. When it becomes weekly or monthly is when I don't see a point in staying together.
It's all very complex in the end we should all design our lives the way we see fit and never force anything.
Maybe you identify as asexual. Imo attachment styles are secondary to sexual identity or orientation. Meaning, it sounds like lack of interest in dating is more of a deciding factor than if youâre FA, DA, anxious, etc. Youâre just not interested in partnerships the way some others are. And thatâs okay!
@@anon660 it's quite the opposite. Passionate moments are one of the most important parts of a relationship to me as without it, I would not be interested in a relationship at all. I guess I've just been there done that. I'm over 40 and have kids already. I've had enough relationships that have been unfulfilling so I guess having another isn't important. I've liked the relationships, I just like my alone time more. If someone came along that matched my vibe and was okay with my way of living then I'd give it a shot. But I'm not looking. Asexual is a stretch though. I'm curious as to why you would come up with that.
â@@anon660I think you mean aromantic
@@Littleowl85352 yes. Thank you.
@@LeeChrissy Iâve been there done that all too. I think I partially resonated with what you said, and thought it was asexual, meaning sex just isnât that important to me anymore, and dating seems to have the agenda of men to leading to sex, or wanting a mother for his children, or a nurse companion of sortsâŠ. Itâs just all not worth the time imo. I like my life with my grown children, friends, church, animals, work, swimming, etcâŠ..
I think the word offered by another poster meaning non-romantic is perhaps more appropriate??? Thoughts?
Iâm tired of being peopleâs doormat, therapy, lesson, etc. just get tf away from me. The scariest part is the last guy I was hanging out with seemed totally normal, we went on six really great dates in a month and it opened up naturally and everything felt fine, he even mentioned how natural and good everything felt, we were talking about a lot of deep stuff, childhood wounds, etc, this wasnât like a few light dates. . Meanwhile no one was talking about labeling it anything - it was completely relaxed and then he just freaked out with a phone call telling me heâs not ready and heâs busy etc. Thatâs fine, I also donât think heâs ready for a long-haul relationship (no one was calling it that anyway) but to treat someone like this is bullshit. He has taken the initiative to reach out to me once in 11 weeks. Umm.. no. I have no energy for this.
I just had a similar experience. Things were going great with this new girl I was dating. Scheduled another date, and then poof. Out-of nowhere, 2 days before the date, I got the "I need to focus on myself, i have too much going on right now" thing. I never once mentioned relationships or anything serious. It was very laid back and chill. I just enjoyed her company and I had no expectations.
What I suspect REALLY happened (in both our cases), is the ex came back in the picture and they're giving that another shot. It's really a bummer. I liked her a lot. But I'm still dating several other women, you should do the same. Just until you get serious with one. It makes the breakups and ghosts much less painful.
Idk, if you went out and tried doing these things for someone just so they would fall in love with you I don't think it would work. Love is, in my experience, something that happens organically and catches you off guard. Whether that romantic love eventually ripens into something stable or not is another matter altogether.
I really like the way you worded this. Thanks for sharing!
Since my FA heard but never truly worked on meeting my needs for trust and reassurance, I never truly could opened up and I never truly fell in love with him. I needed to feel safe and truly trust he wouldn't disappoint and break my heart. I ended the relationship breaking his heart only to hear him say "I love you and want to be a better man for you. Which I didn't understand because he knew what I needed from him and he seemed not to care
Could you make a video pls when the secure style goes wrong with FA partner...
whats crazy is...I fell in love as a FA without any of this. I had made a mental decision to do it and slipped up and wished I kept my guards as an FA
I'm new to attachment theory. I think I was just dating an avoidant person. We had 3 great dates together, then when I tried to schedule the 4th she ended it for a BS reason. I know she was attracted to me so I'm really at a loss. I suspect her ex came back around, she mentioned him once. I nicely accepted the breakup and haven't spoken since. The bummer is I really liked her.
Do you guys think it's possible I'll hear from her again or is that game over?
It's possible but it wouldn't be a great sign if she did. It's best to focus on your own healing and try your best to let that encounter go.
most likely... they are all on the bipolar spectre. they will come back but they will never be able to satisfy your needs , be aware of that.
My FA gf just broke up with me (AP) out of the blueâŠIâm devastated but these videos have really helped me understand her. Hoping to reconnect after the No Contact period đ€đœ
You're just going to ride the same rollercoaster against and it will become a toxic cycle...
I hate to be the bummer voice here but...save yourself and don't ride the roller coaster again.
ââ@@anon660 I'm pretty sure it's the FA who went no contact with him, not the other way around...
You shatter people's lives and hearts with your inability to accept love.
@@jazeenharal6013 The most horrifying thing is they reel you in first, then discard you due to inability of accepting love
@@anon660 No contact is not a mind game bruh. Why FAs think so negatively? It's necessary for both to heal first then reengage
@@mercyveritas1125 totally disagree. If things became so toxic that they have to completely disengage, then securely attached people will end the relationship and move on. No contact used to âget oneâs ex backâ is a mind game playing off FOMO.â In some Asian counties No Contact is illegal and is considered mental abuse.
Does anyone have any ideas on how to build deep trust with an FA? I feel like that's the hardest thing to do. You're building the trust and then something they perceive as a flaw or a misunderstanding and you're back to ground -2. Plus they're constantly testing you, and if you fail the test, again, it erodes their trust. And I feel like it's very easy to fail their tests, as FAs can be so conflicted they are probably not even sure what they want to hear themselves.
I can only speak for myself as an FA, but for me, consistent behaviour and honesty as I don't trust easily, takes me a while to warm to someone. If someone tries to dictate to me what my thoughts and feelings are I shut down as I feel like I'm not being heard when I'm trying to be vulnerable. Be patient and consistent eventually we open. Hope that helps â€
they have to relate to you and feel understood (which is rare if you don't have a certain level o emotional maturity). you will literally have to feel their feelings and them yours.. well as FA we do well at reading other people's feelings emotions and needs
Do FAs actually test? At least I don't realize they are tests lol
Imo best way to build trust with FAs is always be honest and vulnerable. Tell us straight up with calm easy âIâ statements. E.g. tell us you will call Tuesday evening and do it. Donât ever say anything you canât do.
@@mercyveritas1125 I suppose I do, more so to see if a persons response is in line with my core values. Also to test if the person is into me and how serious they are.
Any examples of FA in marriage (happy/not so happy)? All I have read so far about FA relationships is that they always break up at some point.
Of course there are. The only way it would work out for FAs is that they settle with someone they don't love, and the person doesn't love them back
Only that it doesn't make sense. So sad.
@@user-ep8fc7ow3s It is, but it's the only situation where it doesn't trigger their trauma responses
I would say us DAs are similar, it's way easier for us to stay in relationships where we don't actually care about the person very much.
@@user-ep8fc7ow3s you are right. Only a psycho would think like that... I am saying this as an FA. those are your Jeffrey Dahmer s of tomorrow.
Motivation and intention of individual needs to be taken seriously, my observation Ambition Lust and fear was injected into young ladies' minds with individual attachment problems, which created a lot of unhappy outcomes. Growth is only achieved while being honest, at least to yourself. Some individuals don't know the life purpose. Some have a purpose greater than themselves.
Do FA lack empathy or suppress it to the point where look like they have no empathy at all?
Doesn't matter if they fall in love...they still run.
Dont beat your head against this wall, save your sanity...
The only good advice os to separate from them, hope they get help and move on
When you are in a relationship, both people are responsible for the problems in the relationship, even if it is mental illness. It is very unfair to just throw someone away and act like they can't heal. People like you make it harder to heal.
It is your decision whether or not to try to be with someone, but that is not the same as just throwing someone away as just hopeless. The fact that you imply it is shows you also have a lot to work on, and you need to work on your own issues.
@@Egalitarian917 Don't ever throw your healing on someone else. FA's are the ones who draw people in then GHOST. You don't "throw them away" because you want to... It's the hardest thing ever, because you love them.
But you block them from any potential contact because you don't want to ride the roller coaster another round.
Do you have any idea how suicidal it can leave a person when their FA ghosts right when the relationship is at its peak?
And then comes back 6 months later and does it again? And you have to start the healing again?
It's called taking responsibility for your own sanity. Block the FA from all potential communication points and do codependency work on yourself.
The FA will find a other victim and forget they ever ruined your life while they work on ruining another person's life.
FA's are the ones who, because of trauma or whatever other reasons, spread that trauma to every intimate partner unlucky enough to run into them.
The only thing the other person is guilty of is falling into a relationship with someone so broken that intimacy makes them flee.
Point of my post is that the non-FA DOES have take responsibility for their own actions: After you know what kind of person you're dealing with, get help and never return to that FA again... because it's just going to be a repetition of the SAME cycle.
Unless the FA does literally YEARS of intensive therapy, they're not going to be able to do anything differently. It's the PARTNER of the FA that has to protect themselves.
I don't think most FAs realize the trail of absolute destruction they leave behind them...
@@Egalitarian917 we are talking about when the FA ghosts the relationship because of fear of intimacy. It is the responsibility of the non FA to protect themselves from repetition of that cycle.
I'm not sure FA's realize the absolute trail of destruction leave behind when they ghost a partner at the peak of a relationship.
What I'm talking about is protecting the non-fa partner from riding another round of the roller coaster. You may love that person, but entering them back into your life is just going to end up with the same trauma repetition.
Blocking them from everything is the hardest thing you'll ever do, but it's the only way to heal. People don't like to hear this because they like to hang on to hope, but unless the FA gets literally years of intensive therapy, it's going to end up exactly the same.
At a certain point, it's like separating yourself from radioactivity.
It's going to hurt like hell and you're going to want to unblock them, but if you don't it may destroy you slowly.
So what I'm talking about is literally healing. But not for the FA, they have to work on their own stuff.
I don't think most FAs realize the trail of absolute destruction they leave behind them.
@@Egalitarian917 when the FA leaves because of their trauma response to intimacy, it leaves the person in absolute shambles that most never recover from
By then, many FA's are already on to the next, comforting themselves with another whole the non-FA is devastated.
And then, the FA rolls back around for another ride on the carousel and the exact same thing happens again. The wound gets deeper and the healing gets harder each time around, because hope is increased. Then boom. Ghost, breakup, etc.
So what I'm talking about is literally the non FA taking responsibility for his or her own sanity. One cannot be with somebody who cannot meet his/her needs, and an FA cannot meet those needs without years of therapy.
Believe it or not, this is the personal responsibility of the non FA to their own sanity...to protect himself, however much he may love the FA deeply and with all his heart. Until that FA goes through years of therapy and is able to accept intimacy, absolutely no healthy relationship can result.
@@jazeenharal6013 I am not FA. My girlfriend is.
They are in pain. It hurts, and they are very likely to hurt partners, but based off what you wrote, you are too.
That isn't true for everyone, but it is true if you are codependent and you also bring toxicity to the relationship.
Really confused by this one I must say
My question is why would anyone want to build a relationship with someone with insecure attachment and/or mental health issues? No offence, because I myself have both. But surely you would want to be happy in a relationship and how could you be happy tied to a sinking ship, so to speak? Performing for a DA or FAs affections is a bit sick and is unlikely to end well.
Talk to a therapist
@@ididrollerblade well done, rude and hurtful. You inflicted pain and kicked someone already down- mission accomplished?
@@Littleowl85352 no, Iâm serious
âââ@@ididrollerblade Talk therapy does nothing for a dismissive avoidant, our MO is to be unable to discuss our problems, I am pursuing self help and somatics (not that it's any of your business) and at any rate as a student I'm far too poor to afford to pay someone to listen to me not discuss my issues. Don't be so judgemental, it may be easy for some people to access therapy and benefit from it but it doesn't apply to all your fellow humans on this earth, now please apologise.
@@Littleowl85352 answering your hypothetical is not going to help. I said three words that you deem rude and hurtful. I am sincere, talk to a professional because it sounds like youâre reaching out for help. I apologize for hurting you. There are great people with personal trauma that intend on working thru their issues. This is why people listen to this and âpursueâ the person they care about.
Iâm not attacking you. Iâm sorry