The Avoidant Ghosted, Will They Come Back | Do THIS
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In today's video, Thais Gibson discusses what happens when the avoidant attachment style (dismissive avoidant attachment style) ghosts and whether or not they will come back. Watch now to learn about what the avoidant attachment style is going through and what to do if they come back, as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "Healthy and Secure Relationships with/for the Emotionally Unavailable Person", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:12 - Why does the avoidant attachment style ghost?
00:01:51 - The 6 Stages of a Relationship
00:03:05 - Core Wounds and Fears
00:07:51 - 14-Day Free Trial: DA Programming Course
00:08:45 - Why Do Avoidant Attachment Style Return After Ghosting
00:10:07 - Boomerang Effect
00:11:23 - What To Do?
00:12:16 - Green Flags
00:14:23 - Set A Deadline
00:17:07 - 14-Day Free Trial
00:18:05 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachmentStyle #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #AvoidantGhosting #UnmetNeeds
When they ghost you, grief them and don't disturb the dead
"don't disturb the dead" this is literally the best advice. It makes so much sense because they chose to ghost, so we should follow on with the action which respects their choice... to just simply let them 'rest in peace'. Thank you. 🙏
When people ghost, they aren't able to show up for you in the way you need them to.
That's true. If I ghost someone typically in shutdown for day or two or worse full on autistic burn out. In those time it's extremely difficult to text, call or email. To me I'm not ghosting, I will get back a person in day to 3 months and be like it was yesterday for me. My wife understands it but it's hard on friends who don't understand it.
@@chrismaxwell1624 Get your stuff together and stop being weak. It's easy to text back and say you need some time for yourself
They’re barely even able to show up for themselves let alone anyone else. Honestly they deserve to be single.
@@mercyveritas1125 did you just call someone with autism weak? You really need to check yourself and quit projecting on someone for sharing their thoughts.
@@chrismaxwell1624please get counseling and help
It worked for me
I know it’s difficult
Why would you want to even be with someone who ghosted you?
I got ghosted for 8 months before she came back just to say she wanted to talk to me and then disappear again. I'd been waiting three weeks for her to reply a message till I just gave up and blocked her everywhere.
The going got tough, and I'm not tough.
same happened to me. it took her almost 1 year do process what happened. this timeframe of 6 weeks - 3 months of no contact is far too less for many, they need mooooore time and space
Don't give second chances, it just wastes time and deepens the hurt. Instead, remind yourself you are repulsed by people who are willing and able to let themselves hurt you - physically or emotionally. It's ok to go into a connection with a trusting attitude, but when the other person breaks that trust they are showing you what kind of a person they are. Forgive yourself for not knowing better and move on with a new boundary - no second chances.
The boomerang effect is SOO TRUE, my avoidant ex never liked/replied to my IG stories during the relationship, but post break up has done it multiple times, and always watches stories right away lol 💯
Yep! My avoidant ex would ghost me from communicating over the phone but always be the first one to watch my FB and IG stories. and then when I call him out on his behavior…. CRICKETS!
I think avoidants are actually cowards. I dated one for 7 years and went through a 3 year break up. From day one every time there was the slightest conflict she would discard me and disappear for days and weeks, coming back like nothing happened. Obviously it built up a mountain of resentment. No matter what I tried I could not get her to resolve the slightest conflict with me. She is still running away and drowning herself with alcohol. They are cowards in my opinion.
She doesn't sound like a coward. She sounds unhealed and troubled if she drowning herself with alcohol. You have the opportunity to not deal with this woman at all. Maybe do that? Staying focused on her won't help you heal from this.
They use words like, I seek peace when reality that means they take no accountability.
If someone is scared to be honest with you, perhaps you have a part to play in that too.
@Littleowl85352 not always the case when someone is stuck expecting people to act the same
@@tarkov666 can't the same logic be applied to the partner of an avoidant?
i broke no contact after 2 months with an dismissive avoidant, to send a long final textmessage, to stand in for my feelings and values, and to finally go no contact forever, because this "waiting" for them to come back with no contact, is even more self destructive. Its their game, and i dont want to be part of it. Communication is the way to handle things like a mature and emotional grown up person
Exactly. Getting ghosted out of nowhere sucks, I will never get involved with anyone who is avoidant, bpd, or anything like that, ever again.
I used to get ghosted all the time in college. My coach at the time taught me to never take it personal and let them come to you when they were ready. He also said to see other people in the meantime. Funny, the people who ghosted me ALWAYS came back, particularly when they saw me with someone else. In fact, I even had this one girl who rejected AND ghosted me come back VERY strongly.
I say all that to say that everything Thais is saying in this video is correct. If someone ghosts you, it's best to go no contact, go on dates with other people, and let the person who ghosted you do 100% of the calling, texting, and pursuing. It makes life MUCH easier.
This is a really good video. Thank you Thais. It is helpful and healthy to be told that no matter what the avoidant is going through, you need to put yourself first. Repeated ghosting gets more painful, not less. People who do this are very wounded but it is not my job, or yours, to sacrifice ourselves to soothe them. They need to be able to reflect, take responsibility, and make a commitment to change, and then do it. Otherwise, everything they are avoiding will be offloaded onto their partner to be felt 10 fold. Relationships should support your nervous system, not wreck it.
How about this? Don't come back, pleeeease pleeeeease dont come back.
I don’t think they’re going to like what I have to say if they do… 😂
It would be interesting to understand why people keep hanging on to unsuccessful relationships.
childhood trauma too
Ur best vid your professional CZcams growth is great to see > you spoke slower and not too much videos this was perfect
Amazing video that explained so much and gave me such clarity, thank you, been dealing with this & its literally broken my ❤
When someone gives up the ghost, say a good eulogy at the funeral!
I’m so sick of the victim mentality. Just grow up. Everyone else needs to deal with their trauma or emotional abuse- I just don’t have any space left to be a mind reader as well as a parent to my so called partner. These people are abusive
@@dave2262 and see I have compassion but my whole life has been working through my childhood trauma. I was severely abused in physical ways and I have fought every day to work through it. The one thing I don’t have any tolerance for is “victims.” If I had to work through it- so do you. Stop impacting other people because you won’t do the work. My ex had trauma from childhood but if you knew my story you wouldn’t understand how I’m still alive. I’ve had 38 pelvic surgeries just to try to fix the internal damage caused. My ex weaponised this against me so I should feel sorry for them. I just don’t have any space for people so unwilling to do the work- I’m sure you’ve had to work through your own past- why does your ex get a free pass? While I find this woman insightful into explaining avoidance- I do get very frustrated on how easily the lines of explaining/empathising is to rationalise abuse. Let’s label it what it is. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this- I truly hope you can compartmentalise it and push the responsibility back onto who it belongs- her! Sending you so much support
guess im an abuser now
been there too and know it sucks, but i'd rethink the language choice in light of legitimate abuse
@@beasmarty how do you know it’s not what you call “legitimate abuse” although wow… what’s legitimate abuse sorry? Please explain
@@user-cf6mb6ke2i buckle your seatbelt...
big hugs, think you'll get it now; you got this.
but basically (a synopsis):
*the intent to cause harm or knowingly act with habitual intimidation, cruelty or control that is not based in another's personal difficulty expressed passively, that is to say not at all*
Embrace God and no one will be hurt, Love yourself, Don’t chase and Don’t stop being a good person.
Appreciating this perspective and slight shift in presentation: he attached to me - that says a lot about how wonderful I am!
You're still giving him a lot of power with this mindset. You're wonderful regardless of his attachment to you.
Good point. I need to stop looking at him on a pedestal. We’re still in NC and I’m glad for this status.
Compassion is a good guide. I suffer from idiot Compassion, as a teacher once told me. The bonding occurring from intermittent + reinforcement and a good dose of shaming.
14:25: setting a deadline is rather difficult, because each person is different. i had a 5 week affair with a dismissive avoidant, and she came back after 1 year. some of them need A LOOOOOOOOT of time to process. and 6 weeks - 3 months is really too short for many of them
You reading minds now ?
GOLD !
I was ghosted 6 weeks ago after 11 years together. Part of me wants my soul mate back, another part of me is wondering how I can forgive taking our dog and blocking every form of contact.
Forget the woman, get that dog back!
I am in the same position.,, I am both exhausted and confused why I keep doing this. I would love your opinions
You dont. It will happen again. Don't feed the failure.
The win/win aspect helps me in easing the sting of it not working out but on the flip side knowing I'm still growing.
God forbid people just acted like a fucking adult and used words to communicate, gah shit pisses me off so fuckin much! Just talk it's not hard! Ffs
I asked my long distance ex if we could meet for coffee and as friends - no expectations. He said he doesn’t think it’s a good idea and that he doesn’t think friends is for us. I don’t know what to do? I’m
Heartbroken. I just want to talk to him
Why want to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to you?
What you need to do is take care of yourself, don't seek that in him or another. Write down all the things you think you want from him, or the connection you had with him, and find ways to give them all to yourself. Distract yourself with self-care. Push him out of your mind and your heart, if he doesn't want to be there then he doesn't deserve to be. Love yourself better. 🩷✌🌸
It's like you're narrating my life
does timeframe of the relationship play a role in the chances of them coming back?? because i think emotional depth plays a bigger role than the timeframe? its just been 4 months seeing each other before she ghosted me. but on the other hand, i had a relationship breakup after 3 years and didnt feel the same pain at all.
I think I can’t understand when they are deactivating or ghosting 😢
I like your advice assuming he is just an avoidant but how do you know that he is just avoidant and not a narcissist?
Should I tell my avoidant partner that I have a dead line on the changes I need to see, or is that too much like an ultimatum?
What about a discussion about the relationship perspectives??...Of course through questions and an open dialogue....Could an avoidant take it or it could be a cause of conflict or running away??
@@MrKo531 Ευχαριστώ πολύ αδερφέ για την συμβουλή... δυστυχώς αγωνίζομαι να συντηρήσω τη σχέση,που είναι μια on and off κατάσταση... κάποια στιγμή κουράζει αλλά είμαι πολύ ερωτευμένος για να δω ξεκάθαρα τα πράγματα, τουλάχιστον προς το παρόν...
Thanks
Do DAs come back after the 3 month mark?
Ive been broken up with my ex who i believe is a DA for 4 months and he has replied to a few messages but he doesnt reach out. I would want to fix things with him but i feel i may have pushed him away as i constantly messaged him as i am very anxious attachment style :-(
Totally agree about the ghosting aka No Contact. People who ghost are immature. It’s not the same as stating that the relationship is over for xyz. It’s terrible to see online pseudo-therapists trying to make a buck with “get your ex back by ghosting or going No Contact”.
Would you really want to hear the cold hard truth when someone ghosts or would it be better to maybe not hear that? There's a reason why people don't state the reason openly... it causes a lot of hurt.
Immature? Well depends. If someone shows signs that they will be unwilling to accept a break up or any type of unhealthy behavior then sometimes they don't feel emotionally safe to have a full discussion. If everything is hunky dory (which it rarely is) and they disappear then that's different.
Either way...if people wanna go they can go. There's nothing we can do about it.
@@Littleowl85352 Truth is always best. No contact is done by people who haven’t learned how to communicate properly. They avoid hard conversation with excuses, e.g. It was kinder, easier, whatever- when it’s simply a desire to avoid adulting.
@@anon660see the thread in which I explained my reason for ghosting and see why it's perhaps kinder to say nothing. If you say "sorry, I grew bored of you, best wishes but I lost interest"... you could be accused of deliberately trying to be hurtful (indeed I was, on that very thread). So perhaps it's best to accept and move on because the truth can be hard for people to hear.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes Exactly!
My ex bf requested some time for himself after months of me asking for an hour a week to talk. (We're in a long distance relationship) I know he really wanted his own time and independence so I try not to bother him my wants and needs in the relationship, cause after months of trying he just kept getting further and further away, stone walling me and pushing me away.
But apparently an hour a week is till hard for him and can't commit, so when he asked for a month for himself, despite how upset I was I gave it to him. But then lo and behold, after 2 weeks he just txted me that he's breaking up with me with no explanation, and a bunch of sorry excuses, then tells me don't call him. I texted back, wanted to fix things, I wanted to see if we can work it out, I tried calling but no answer. Not until the next day when I said that I'll fly over to him and get plane tickets asap. His reply was he doesn't want to see me, to hear me, or anything of sorts. So a text is all he can do right now.
He can't even give me the closure of a proper call break up. Then he says we can be friends. Which annoyed me so I told him no. I wish him well, and that he recovers but I can't see him as a friend and then I blocked him in all socials and removed him from all my contacts.
Why does he get to tell me he wants to be friends when he kept pushing me away and I tried everything in my power to mend, fix, and hold on this relationship?
So far it's been 2 weeks since No Contact. It wasn't an easy start since I really did love him and is willing to do anything to work on our relationship. But now I'm healing, reflecting and learning about attachment styles. I don't want him back. But if he does find a way to contact me, all I'm sending him is to read the book 'Attached" and read up on different attachment styles. In hopes that his future relationships don't end up like ours.
Took them back for them to ghost again a year later and discard. When he came back he was really certain this time so don’t trust that they always resort back to this behavior if they haven’t worked on themselves.
Can I tell my avoidant attachment style partner that evidence indicates that she experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect without triggering ?
This is a great question I also want to know
Will this be relevant to FA? How would it be different?
as an FA, our reasons are likely to be different. we leave relationships suddenly when there's 1) breach of trust - even just hitting on someone else hits a BIG wound 2) the relationship is one-sided or we feel burnt out and potentially taken advantage of, or 3) there's not much depth of connection from our partner and it feels empty/boring/insubstantial
@@ginasirois2193I’d love to know what you thought about my situation- I left my FA. Because he was saying he had feelings one week and then two weeks later he’s telling me he wants to date this other person at the same time as me and that he’d been talking to her the entire time. He didn’t want things to end but I couldn’t handle being an option after developing feelings. Now he’s with that other girl :/ even tho he hadn’t met up with her for months while talking to me so I didn’t think he was that serious about her but what a ride
P.O.S IN MY OPTION
He ghosted me after I said I loved him for the first time to only stalk my social media daily for over 2 years after.He also was sending ❤to my stories but never found the courage to actually contact me and offer me the relationship I always wanted
Serious question. What if she's a therapist who is an avoidant?
Run
then she should know better and stand over it because she reflected on it and knows how to behave differently
I don't think the trouble they are bringing and willing to put you through is worth it. If they know what they are doing and continue to ghost, yeah I don't think so.
💯
Thank you for what you do. This is the most helpful info on the net in my opinion.
Some questions I have are:
1. Does the DA understand they have this issue or do they just feel like something is off ?
2. Having survived a Covert Narcissist (& her literally Evil Twin) I took the deep dive into the disorder, leaving me certain that there is a demonic connection involved. People are commodities, etc...
Any thoughts ?
Do you have anything regarding the spiritual side of all this. Prayer, etc.. God IS Almighty, this falls under everything else He can do IMO.
3. With the DA I am assuming the kind and sweet side of her is genuine. The problem is that I believe to ignore is the opposite of to love.
4. Is there a way to get them to be open minded and have a look at this ? I was considering getting some counseling for her with this, but not sure how to go about making that happen.
5. It would be a shame- but is it better to just leave all this be and walk ?
* I heard you speaking about thev Free 14 day trial. Just not sure how I could get her interrested in it. She's far too busy rt now ignoring me.
I don't understand this point where they don't ghost until they're committed. Does it not count if you're only dating? Especially when avoidants don't want to commit, or admit that they're in a relationship?
4 months after discarded by a FA she accused me of not being enough and being a liar after 2 years of intimate and full of love relationship(of course full of mini push pull cycles around her PMS) after 4 month of total no contact still nothing happened
11:23 "what do you do when an avoidant rears their head a few weeks after ghosting you?" --- obviously you SMASH it like a Whack-A-Mole carnival game... duh.
Or you can no thank you I'm not interested..
@@LeeChrissy issa joke
Dr Johnson passed on last month. She was a wonderful presence and invaluable teacher in the world of relationships. Her words and work will always be a part of the foundation of understanding human nature/nurture.
Honestly my avoidant ex girlfriend did so much damage (ghosting, lying, binge drinking, then breaking up) that I don't want her back as a girlfriend anymore... It's been 4 months of NC. Idk why I kinda feel more protective of her than I do any intimate feelings. How can I get her to be more comfortable reaching out since she doesn't have to fear committing to me anymore?
I wouldn't do anything. If she wants to reach out she will.
Runaway from this. Sounds toxic. Tell yourself you deserve a healthy secure attached partner who will show up and follow through. Who will resolve conflict like an adult.
@@dig-in8bo it's not about being "an adult". It's about being unhealed which it seems his ex is.
@@dig-in8bo Or at least someone that will work on themselves. Secure attached doesn't mean healthy either. Just better chances of it as they start on more solid foundation. That's me for example 49% secure, next biggest at 29% was DA, 16% Anxious, 6% Disorganized. Mind you I'm sure a lot DA actually isn't even attachment style but more my ASD as lot the DA questions fit my ASD.
@@LeeChrissy Well, that's your interpretation calling it unhealed. Respectfully, I call it being an adult and having consideration for your partner. Change my mind if you like.
She’s never coming back…
A DA needs help
Nearly four months of silence from her. She is seeing someone else, so I'm not holding my breath on her return.
"Give me the child until his seventh year, and I will give you the man." Who is the problem here?
I have not returned to one single person I ghosted in those earlier years I would ghost because I ghosted them for a good reason. I don't ghost anymore, I say the brutal truth. FAs may be different, male DAs may be different. It wasn't because I felt vulnerable, but because I felt really bored and it seemed a bit rude to tell someone that I thought they were uninteresting and it was a chore to interact with them... sad but true. To those of you who want that closure, I'm sure you're great people regardless and our perspective is faulty due to trauma-engendered shiny object syndrome but you can't expect someone to say something quite like that... it would be socially unacceptable in the extreme.
you will only be interested in unavailable people and get bored with available ones.. sad but true
@@ireneirene5476this is true. But there are worse things that can happen in life than that. I can walk, breathe freely and pay my bills... life is good regardless!!! But I had indeed become aware of that and had been encouraged by the possibility of solving the issue.
Sounds like an issue on your part tbh. You need to grow and mature emotionally before getting into any more relationships. Sad but true
@@azazel673 hey, that is why I am here, to work on this particular thing, because I had noticed it myself. I wouldn't say it's immature to notice a repeating pattern in life and take steps to resolve it.
@@Littleowl85352 I’m glad you’re taking the right steps to become emotionally mature.
And no it's not nice to ghost. But consider. It's like when you've screwed up as a kid and you know your mother has her wooden spoon or slipper or broom out or whatever she beats you with. You WILL run and hide from that pain and that beating. If someone ghosts you maybe they're scared of your anger for a pretty good reason.
I will also say. Let them ghost. People will only change when they have run out of options. If you stalk, watch their stories, chase etc etc message beg for info you are not helping the situation. I've heard no contact be called abusive but only when it's quiet around can you really come to terms with the inner self begging for love and care and change. Who can hear that when your DMs are full?
Ok wow that's projection too. I've been raised by emotionally immature parents, with very toxic patterns (without much physical abuse but a lot of emotional and mental ones) and I've also been ghosted many times by the same man. Comparing it doesn't make sense. Being ghosted by someone you care about without any warning, hurts more than having to deal with my parent's angers or tantrums. Why ? Because I thought that the person who claimed to love me wouldn't be emotionally abusive, manipulative and would be mature enough to say his truth. And the first emotion that comes up isn't anger, but sadness, at least in my case it was.
@@RubyLinekindly stop returning to the circus, the answer is obvious. Ghost you once, shame on him- ghost you twice, shame on you!
@@Littleowl85352 Yeah there's one thing you seem to forget, and it changes everything. My childhood made me AP, so for my brain it was normal to consistently give others countless chances, I had no other choice to survive in my dysfunctional family. So no use trying to shame me for my trauma.
@@RubyLine why don't you do what we are all hopefully doing here and make changes... we all have trauma it's no excuse to not work on oneself. You must make the change or you'll be a lonely angry bitter old woman one day.
@@RubyLine how is what they are saying projection? You seem to hold empathy for yourself and your situation growing up leading to you getting ghosted repeatedly yet when OP shares insight into a reason why an avoidant might ghost you don't share the sympathy. Do you see what I mean? When I had some anxious in me I had to heal that not only for my mental health, but also so I had more self-respect when dating. Once I gained my worth, my hand immediately went up to block any toxic person trying to come near me.
Thais!!!! What are you doing with this clickbait title?? Get your person back is literally the opposite of love yourself so much you are OK if they come or go. It makes me sad to be seeing this so much on here lately. I know the advise is right, but ughhh sad world we live in