The Majority of Avoidant Attachment Styles Come Back If You Do THIS
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In today's video, Thais Gibson shares two scenarios in which the majority of avoidant attachment styles (dismissive avoidant attachment style) will come back if you do two things: the no contact rule and confronting stonewalling head on.
Watch now to learn about how to tactfully approach the avoidant attachment style if you wish to repair that relationship, either after a break up or an argument, as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "How to Repair Any Relationship", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:07 - Scenario 1: After a Breakup
00:01:50 - No Contact - Rule and Timeframes
00:03:54 - Dealing with More Extreme Avoidant Behavior
00:04:30 - Healthy vs Unhealthy No Contact
00:08:18 - 14-Day Free Trial: How To Repair Any Relationship
00:08:33 - Scenario 2: After an Argument
00:08:49 - Stonewalling
00:11:02 - 14-Day Free Trial
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachmentStyle #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #NoContact #WhatIsNoContact #AvoidantBreakup
Have you ever used no contact after a breakup? Have you ever confronted stonewalling in a relationship? Let me know what your experience was like! â€
In it now...112 days and counting.
Yes I did. Can you do a video on marcissistic mothers and their avoidant sons and enmeshment. I don't see alot of material on this. Thanks
â@@loribridgesweiland3512I'm always curious...how and why do people keep track of how many days in no contact? I picture a calender on the wall and people waking up putting a big X thru it daily. I can barely pay my bills on time nevermind keep track of when a guy leaves my life. Lol Doesn't keeping such focus on them disturb your everyday flow?
â@@LeeChrissyif I may interject, I have a habit tracker app that helps me keep track of things and you can program it with tasks to be completed daily/ ticked off at the end of the day. "did not message dingus" could be programmed in to be completed for however many days...
@@Littleowl85352 did not message dingus has me rolling. LOL
My experience is that the avoidant will come back, numerous times, but they will leave again.
when they stonewall you : f-ing leave. its the most immature thing. theres a difference between ' hey i wanna cool down for an hour or 2 lets talk about this later ' and just stonewalling which is a MANIPULATIVE technique. they can do WHATEVER they want but you ALWAYS have to adapt to them and they dont and mostly wont adapt to you, always making you feel like you're too much because they cant handle anything in a mature way. RUN WAY
I got told it wasnât- in anyway shape or form âthe silent treatmentâ that they were having a âtrauma responseâ đ oh my bad Iâm so sorry I misunderstood! Itâs now stonewalling AND gaslighting! My bad.. continue đ đ€·đ»ââïž
đđđExactly this is my ex. I went no contact, 20 months in
â@user-cf6mb6ke2i omg, have you spoken to my ex recently!? đ
@@krose318 the worst part is I have diagnosed CPTSD and along with it I have blackouts/DID/complete and utter breakdowns. But you know whatâs the difference- I donât blame it on it. So now weâre at stage 2 of gasliting lol trying to tell me youâre âunable to do anything about itâ but apparently we also have the self awareness to label it⊠sorry what? đ people who have uncontrollable reactions due to trauma typically donât weaponise it. Also- youâre ex and mine would make a magnificent movie to watch đ đż
Iâm so sick of trying to understand someone who is committed to being a jerk. Let them go. I honestly donât think my ex realises what they lost. Itâs sad because I can tell you thereâs no one else out there whoâs going to be as patient and loving as I was. You wanna throw that away because youâre scared? lol what a looser.
So I had never dated an avoidant in my decade and a half romantic life until recently. It was the most bizarre experience and completely floored me just because I couldn't comprehend the behavior and the complete 180s on a week by week basis. It's been interesting post breakup to learn more about it, just so I know more about the chemistry and psychology. Empathize and forgive this other person in a lot of ways.
At the same time, the same frustration keeps bubbling up as I listen to these videos or read articles. It's always about the other person trying to bend to the avoidant and never about the avoidant actually addressing their issues. To me, a lot of it just feels like enabling and not actually having the avoidant take some responsibility in trying to change
I think it's best to leave people as they are honestly. Any unhealed attachment has to do their own healing on their own time. We can't try and change anyone and we have every right to leave if it's not working for us.
totally agree. DA's can be blunt but every other attachment style has to be oh-so-careful when bringing things up with them because they're so sensitive to rejection. C'mon, man...
@@13sprintuser you don't have to do anything. Just break up and find someone you're more compatible with.
Lucky you, the very first person I dated was an avoidant. Imagine the mind fuck... but I didn't let it get to me though.
â@LeeChrissy spoken like a person who has never truly loved an Avoidant. If leaving the ones you love was so simple/easy/passive/laissez-faire, then we loose commitment, loyalty, fidelity, empathy and maybe even love.
We fight for the things we love.
If the other person doesn't reciprocate our love then yeah you eventually leave but not after some angst, soul searching, attempt to reconcile. If we all loose faith in the other (Avoidants) then we become a faithless society.
Update. My point of sharing this is to say that if you leave someone who is avoidant alone they will come back if you feel safe to them and there was an actual connection. It doesn't mean you have to accept if they haven't done the work.
My ex DA will literally not go away unless he starts seeing someone. He hasn't dated anyone since me and still keeps trying to come in, but not in a way that I need. We've been long-time friends so friendship is cool too. I truly don't think he gets that I no longer worship him like I did when I was unhealed. I have another ex DA who is the same way. I initially get deep in, but my no contact game is unwavering. I don't do it to play games or get anyone back. I accept the reality of the situation and move on. Even if I'm heartbroken I won't reach out. I'd rather keep my dignity intact. If someone really wants me, they'll figure it out.
have you tried blocking the person?
@@dandanut5409 no he's been a good friend of mine since we were in our teens. We've been thru everything together. I'm close with his daughter and we share mutual friends. I'm not bothered enough to block him. I just don't understand why he bothers trying to see me in a romantic way. I told him I'm just looking for friendship. It will likely take one of us to start dating another for him to move past it.
â@@dandanut5409they're friends. I have a similar situation with my ex DA girlfriend. We've been good friends and lived in the same farm community for 15 years. I would never block her, but won't reach out when she self-isolates. Same behavior with my previous ex DA. They eventually message or just show up after centering themselves.
I agree! Iâm in the same situation, he has come back multiple times and says heâs not looking for anyone else. He says he doesnât want to be alone but he has to figure how to have a healthy relationship. Iâm not going to do the work for him. I just wish him well and pray for him. And when he comes back, as he does every 6 weeks or so, I am friendly but donât get attached or live on hopium!
â@@StephenPuddicombe1 thanks for sharing that and it's nice to see another healthy perspective. †I'm not interested in ditching him. He's actually told me he feels safe and taken care of with me and I'm glad I can be that person for him. Admittedly, it does get tough because I love him very much. However, I try to keep in mind that we were close friends for years before we dated.
I'll work on me. I'll stay single. I'll stay humble. I'll develop myself to be the better person I needed to be but didn't know. I'll wait for however long I need to. She is worth it. I will be a stronger, wiser, more engaged and trusting partner. And if she can see that, great if she can't. My kids will reap all the rewards. I'm working on me every day...inner child work, self reflection, deep nervous work, core wound work, trauma exercises, breathing, spiritual work...I am in this for the life repair and for my kids.
The truth is that we are not just waiting for them to contact us though. You can have avoidants who keep you waiting for six months and then return hoping you forgot what the problem was, only to stonewall if you bring it up again. There is a time limit and the truth is they need to be told what the time limit is.
I refuse to lose myself in order to be in a relationship with anyone. Thatâs how it feels, to me, to be in a relationship with an avoidant. I went NC the first time to find myself again. The happier, healthier version. He acts very depressed. When he came back 6 weeks later, I waited to see what he was willing to give to the relationship. Now I only match effort, Iâm not going above and beyond.
Why do you think he's acting depressed and not really depressed? Avoidants, just like anxious can get very depressed. In the end, you have to do what feels right to you.
My avoidant was lieing about almost everything to get attention or to look more interesting and yes, he was also full of "dramatic effects". â@@SunshineAndSnowflakes
Give the gift of no contact to both avoidant attachment styles since they didnât want to make the relationship work and expected things to âjust beâ instead of working through their own wounds/lack of vulnerability đŻ
Dealing with them is not worth the effort, even when they reach back out and tell you everything you want to hear. In a couple weeks when they're triggered, it will be the same cycle of BS all over again. At the end of the day, they're just boring and self-absorbed. Leave them to their 'creature comforts'.
that is true
This is it. "Creature Comforts" leave their asses where they are at.
Sheâs right! Focus on your physical and mental health during the No contact time. Know yourself. Gain clarity and mental well being. Love yourself first!â€ïž
I don't want them to come back. I want them to find whatever will make them happy, but we have established that isn't me. I have sulking to do ...
What is sulking?
Sulking is a reaction of which you silently show your disdain for what has happened to you on behalf of another's actions or inactions towards you. â@@arianamontenegro5528
Why are people looking for the DA to return? Theyâll just discard you again and probably at a time that is most inconvenient for you.
yep true
I totally agree. You do not want them to come back unhealed. It will just waste your time and mental health. When they go let it be for good. The avoidant I was dating briefly would come to mine at the wkd and I couldnât get him to leave. Then I said to you want to go to brunch next Saturday. Bam gone, too much of a commitment. Called me desperate haha I have a daughter and only get weekends free. I just let him go but I have dealt with one before so I knew the script.
I'm a DA and have been watching alot of these videos, think I have made progress in the last year. And yes I have been thinking to contact my ex and yes I am absolutely terrified.
Are you male? I feel like male DA's are more likely to contact exes than female DA's
Do it!!! Even if itâs just to apologize to the person who Iâm sure would benefit in their life greatly by hearing that from u as a selfless act.
@@13sprintuser Yes I am. Interesting.
@SeanOzz Thank you that helps
Go in and apologize and try to explain how you felt. Be vulnerable even though that's one of the scariest things in the world. Also acknowledge to them that this must have been hard to them. But please do, this gives me hope for humanity
I'm sure mine has been thinking about contacting me for years....but honestly... he did me so wrong he won't ever have enough balls to do it. I'd love to know WHY he did what he did....but at this point I'm still trying to recover from WHAT he did. đ€·ââïž fighting cancer alone is not fun nor easy.
guys⊠do we realise how disgusting this behaviour is? How crazy it is that we yearn for a person who made us feel like they love us and then totally ignore us, shut down and dismiss us? Where in this world is this considered normal. This is sick. It now hits me like a truck. I never in my life want to do a âno contactâ shit again, I canât comprehend how someone claims to love you and then totally shuts down and doesnât change anything? It makes me sick to the stomach honestly⊠I canât believe I fell in love with someone like this⊠I really thought I found the one.. only for them to be like this. This is so sickening⊠I hope I can heal from this
You will heal. More often it's really for the best. It is a sharp medicine but a powerful one. You can either let it break you or let it make you strong. Good luck!!!
They may be spiritually possesses, similar to a narcissist.
You guys, donât break no contact for any reason if youâre the one that was dumped. She should know better then to encourage people to break no contact. Give your ex the breakup, and move on to healing. If they come back later greatâŠif not, youâll still be okay
Amen.....personally, giving the DA the opportunity to return is setting yourself, most often times, a repeat of the same ole relationship. Tip toeing around their core wounds, unless they fix themselves, only leads to repeat behavior and years of your life gone. Did everything that you mentioned in this video.....and yes they always came back (4x) and now, another trigger, another breakup, but this time went straight into a rebound relationship.....not even 24 hours had gone bye. My advice....don't bother and waste your time, energy, and your heartâ€.
Facts. Stick to pds all the videos...join the membership and keep healing. Ur mind will return and the version of you to become will be one that has wayyy more tools in your belt to navigate relationships.
Also checkout
Craig Kenneth (wicked break up stories, these help you feel less isolated big time)
Brianna MacWilliams (a creative arts approach to things) â€
â@@hilkaahlers5855
That doesn't sound like a rebound, that seems more like a monkey branch. That person was probably already there establishing something with your partner
Thanks for sharing! This advice is not for all relationships or situations. Both people must actively work on themselves and want to make things work before reconnecting â€âđ©č
@@daniellediaz2516 I think you are right.....the last week before our breakup, he was distant and that was when he met her. As they say....time has a way of healing and resolving.
It is absolute truth that they come back after even years of me giving them no contact,the issue is by the time they do come back I never oneâs wanted any of them back as I have evolved way past the break up.đI have never ever broken the no contact.Petsonally for me only first few months are hard,after that time period Im totally over it .
I have done both with my DA wife 3 mths no contact and the second approach of inviting for an open honest communications. Both backfired.
It's been exactly a year since we went 3 mths no contact when we got back she said she still wants divorce and we continue as roommates avoiding the elephant in the room. Run away from the DAs they will never meet your needs and leave you feeling miserable
You need to become a puppy, and keep running back to them no matter what, even when they not there for you.
My avoidance contacted me after I moved. He would pop in and out at his convenience. This last time he said that he was afraid he had lost me for good. And was going to get me a ring to prove he loved me. I told him that I need transparency if I ask him something due to that fact that he has so many secrets and lies a lot. He said he would do it. But then he went right back to hiding things and lying to me again. And then got angry saying that I am too nosey. I hung up on him. I'm done because I think he is cheating.
Yeah lying is a deal breaker for me. Exes always pop back in and I'm pretty polite, but it's very rare that I would get back with one. If there's no trust there's no point.
Youâre describing exactly mine and I donât think itâs talked about enough. Excessively secretive over small things, lies for no real reason, and view relationships as a power struggle. And yes, mine has an orbit of women that he has to go to when things arenât good between us.
@@nannoreul mines actually kind of nerdy. But also very flirty. I had never gone out with the nerdy type before. I thought he would be safe but they all turn out the same when you build them up. I'm happier single. I've come to the conclusion I'm never going to find a decent guy. Seems they don't exist anymore. Either that or I'm doomed to keep picking the wrong ones. Lol
@@LeeChrissy You are exactly right!
@@vickiortega8034 Yeah, sometimes I wonder if Iâm just setting myself up for pain by seeing him again. I havenât brought up the whole âdismissive avoidanceâ yet though, so I feel like I have to make him aware of that, because he does try to change a bit sometimes, but if he doesnât use that info to start healing himself asap, Iâll have to leave him.
I learn a lot with your videos, but I think it's quite hard to believe a relationship can become healthy after 30-90 days of no contact. The receiving end might do some work, but the other would also have a lot of work to do, and it's minimum chances that happens.
Healthy...no. They will come back if they were attached but if they haven't done any work it's not really worth it.
I understand what it's like to want to break no contact. With the FA I had a big argument with, it has been a sort of mutual shutdown from each other but I was the last one to reach out. I often feel lonely for their presence but at the same time when I think about how I should be treated (which is with respect) I can't disrespect myself by re-engagement with someone who was so cruel and disrespectful. I've been using this time instead to explore myself and heal myself and reconnect with people who do represent those values I abide by. It's been painful but less painful than being stuck in the mess with someone.
perhaps you were cruel and disrespectful to him too. and if you didn't communicate some things with him verbally you can't know the tone of his words or the intention behind the words that you found disrespectful.
ââ@@dandanut5409 you know what I'm very straightforward I did say everything completely openly I don't leave hints I use my words sir this wasn't some online messenger love affair
I think thatâs what I see some miss about breakups/no contact and the like. In these comments sections, I see the supposedly avoidant person get attacked for never reaching out after a breakup or being called a coward for missing an ex but never reaching out. However, the way I see it, I miss Crumbl cookies often but that doesnât mean I should order them. Self control and the recognition that some things arenât good for us goes a long way. I donât reach out to exes or break no contact because typically thereâs a reason it happened. And hear hear about respecting yourself. Iâve met plenty of people who werenât the nicest, people who have mistreated me, but the thing that lingers with me most is that I allowed it. Itâs our jobs to protect ourselves and the feeling of betraying oneself, that to me is the most painful of all. Humans will human, I expect others to test my boundaries but my expectation for myself towards myself is high and takes precedence.
@@sj3969 keep thinking like that and one day you might realise you trowed away the love of your life. That's the ego speaking. You can't be 100% self-reliable we are wired to be dependent, even biologically , even science will tell you so. We are social and communal beings at our core. Besides you are not self-reliable even in your day 2 day basis, we are all part of a conglomerate and depend on external factors for the consummation of different outcomes. Sure this could work better in a country with small rates of corruption, but in a corrupt country you would learn the hard way how little self-reliant and independent you can be! This 100% individualism purported in the West is a deception. So is 100% collectivism. But there s a reason why there is a huge self-care industry.
ââ ââ it doesn't make sense to me personally that there is just one single person out there for each person, doesn't seem very logical to me. I respect that some people believe in soulmates and all that sort of thing but that's never really been my thing and I'm glad it's not, otherwise I'd be so unhappy every time something didn't go to plan with someone. I will also say that even in very traditional societies there are lone wolves who keep to themselves. Fortunately I live in New Zealand and not Afghanistan so no need to be too in line with societal norms in order to keep alive.
As a DA: can someone please explain to me why people go âno contactâ if they break up? Isnât a break up supposed to mean that itâs over?
And then: why do people break up with someone and then try to get back together?
I realize I sound like a kindergartener but I find this quite baffling.
What is wrong with people?
You wanted to break up - why do they want to get back together?
That seems emotionally volatile to me,
I donât get it.
No hateful or hurtful comments please! âš âïž đ
I think this is for people who need to restrain themselves from begging, it makes no sense to us but they do need to coach themselves through it. I kind of get it because I guess they are looking for closure. But I think many people misinterpret Thais and attempt to engineer closure or even a relationship when they really should just be shutting the door on the whole thing. That's where the whole self love comes in, having the self love and self respect to walk away from toxic dynamics. People miss that part sadly.
@@Littleowl85352 đ it absolutely makes no sense to us. After Years of practicing restraint around our emotions itâs so weird to see how some of the other attachment styles react so differentâŠ
I donât quite understand why you would look to be getting closure from that other person - I would instinctively be looking for it within myself. I guess people who are more trained for interdependence donât naturally do thatâŠ. Thanks for the answer⊠âïž
Same! I see some people here seemingly expecting contact after a break up but thatâs so strange to me. We broke upâŠitâs over, move around.
Every break up is different. I broke up with my avoidant and when I did he said he wanted to leave the door open, but every time I've reached out he has ghosted me. The mixed signals is crazy making. We were friends for 4 years before we dated and there were some extenuating circumstances that caused me to break up impulsively when we hadn't even had a fight (and no I was not interested in someone else, it was a personal issue) so we were both kinda broadsided by it, lots of loose ends
I would like to repair the rift. I really value our relationship and hate that all could be lost without even having a conversation that could repair what was broken, when it shouldn't have been broken in the first place
@@creatureofstyle sometimes we are attracted to doomed relationships because we subconsciously believe we don't really deserve love so definitely check in on yourself with that one (most likely you have so that's cool)
My DA ex is the king of extreme avoidants.
Thanks!
i broke no contact after it was supposed to be safe to with a fearful avoidant. she told me to leave her alone lol
I believe most people experience the hurt after a break up within the first days and weeks regardless of attachment styles. Especially in short term relationships. By a month's due the person has already began detaching from their former counterpart and mostly made up their mind against them. By then they are on the brink of letting them go entirely, and if you take that long that will only interfere with their process and bring about more resentment, and it may all go against you (like what took you so long, that s giving out a message of indecisiveness ) and will only help them think they are better off without you. The longer you take to NC the more it gives a statement the less feelings are involved. So I guess that could work for DAs, but I doubt it.
â@@dandanut5409no, thats not true for people on the avoidant spectrum... Unless they really had reasons to distrust you and be relieved that their ex and their dramatic antics are gone... If they appreciated the relationship and it was mostly beneficial and positive to them, they are starting to feel that pain and start to self reflect after a month
It hits harder especially if you were discarded around the holiday season.
you dont break no contact bro
Do I even want this? I donât want to be with someone who stonewalls me but I do love him
Never stay in a situation where your needs aren't getting met.
subconsciously avoidants are also looking for people with whom they can be very confident they are safe from abandonment. They may learn to get their needs met through non-demanding partners who fail to require real reciprocation, intimacy, conflict resolution and positive reinforcement, pursue indefinitely if they withdraw (the obsessive types who call multiple times a day), and give without being asked. Accepting attention without providing emotional security- a classic and often long-standing pairing of the anxious-avoidant relationship.
Why is he breaking up with you every 3 weeks?
You may feel like this is âtrue loveâ but love is free and unconditional. Relationships are not. They require open communication, a healthy give and take, reciprocity, trust, etc. âloveâ isnât enough, you need many other ingredients
Trust me, you don't
It's pretty normal to want something unhealthy. It's like wanting KFC. Doesn't mean we need to hit the drive thru. And like anything else, if you give KFC a break for 6 weeks and work on healthier habits it becomes easier to say no to it in future đđđđ
Leave them for the therapists, go and live your life with a healthy person.
Very much appreciate the inclusion of the script.
I'm a great fan of your channel and your videos. Thank you so much for helping myself and so many others work on ourselves and our relationships. I have two questions on the "no contact" topic: 1) what is the best way to initiate no contact? Should I just go silent? Should I announce that I'm ceasing communication? and 2). What if the DA reaches out during the no contact period? How should I respond? TIA for your answers.
Thanks Thais. We need more of you in this world. I appreciate you and value you
Thank you so much Mark!
I wrote this script to send to my ex who is stonewalling me right now. How do I work up the courage to send it!? Either response I feel will be triggering. Not sure I even want to be bothered, but the silence is deafening. The act of stonewalling is so immature, and Iâm not sure I want to even give it any oxygen. Eye for an eye.. but one of us has be the grownup..I know.
It can definitely be difficult but going about it in the right way will hopefully help you figure out what next steps make the most sense â€
I don't care now, yippeeee đâïž
how much time has it passed?
@@dandanut5409 It wasn't time. It was being hella brave and asking very directly what he wanted. The answer made me realise I'd created a fantasy in my head as to what we actually had all that time, when what he wanted was a hookup and no responsibility. To 'go with the flow' while he 'wasn't sure what he wanted' and kept feelings (and beds) with other people while he tried to 'figure it out'. Woke up the next day to the cold light of truth, once I'd genuinely accepted it, I lost 80% of my feelings and couldn't look at him the same. He disgusted me.
I thought I was getting fed when in reality I was using the memory of a few great moments of connection at the start and dining out on the memory of them over and over, when in reality I was starving, and he was neglecting any reasonable need i had.
I was beautiful and open and warm before I met him, and I will get back there again. You are worth so much. Don't forget.
@@dandanut5409 it wasn't time. It was being really brave and thinking over all the crappy ways he's treated me. It killed 80% of my feelings. I can do the rest.
I did no contact twice, worked both times ( with avoidant), then worked on myself as a member of PDS. LIFE CHANGING!!! Thais is spot on, she really understands attachment theory and how to help heal , so you can have healthy relationships-to yourself, and others. â€
Agreed. Love PDS.
WHAt the fuck is PDS
@@_--Reaper--_ personal development school. The woman who does the videos does pretty great courses.
Such a great video and the importance of self care and preparation for whole and complete evaluation of the relationship and whether it's really something that you want.
Thank you so much! đ
Great video, as always, but I find that sometimes an anxious-leaning person will memorize the script and say the words about respecting the other person's space while also wanting to have open and honest dialogue about whatever problem is happening within the relationship, but then can't handle it when it comes time to actually have the conversation they claim to want to have. :-/ This severely erodes trust for the more avoidant-leaning person and teaches them not to take such words at face value, whether from that same anxious-leaning person or from other people in the future, because the actions are not aligning with the words. It reinforces the message to the avoidant that it is NOT safe to open up and communicate vulnerably about what is troubling them. So it really can't be emphasized enough to anyone looking to use that strategy to please think about what you are "signing yourself up for" when you say those words--not harsh criticism or abuse, obviously, no one should ever tolerate that, but possibly some hard truths that you need to stay present for and not try to deflect, deny, blame-shift, distract, flee, or otherwise try to avoid having to hear, consider, and genuinely try to respond to. (Of course, joining PDS and/or working with an Integrated Attachment Theory coach can help enormously in helping people of all insecure attachment styles learn how to actually do that!)
I appreciate your share! You bring up some important points â€
Great take. I ended a friendship with an anxious leaning friend because I realized that all trust and rapport we had built went out the window the moment she had to acknowledge or take accountability for her own flaws. It was such a breach if trust
@@recklessmermaid , I think it's worth mentioning that the anxious person's avoidant relationship with themself can spill over into becoming avoidant of the other person when that individual tries to hold up a mirror that accurately reflects back that which the anxious person is trying to avoid within themself.
I love your knowledge on this topic and very much enjoy your videos. Question:
What do you do when the avoidant attachment style breaks no contact?
I'm polite, but brief.
â@@LeeChrissysame
in your timeframe, when you say up to 3 months- are you talking about the first phase of a breakup? when the avoidant is in the phase of denial and numbing to push down any emotions?
Would you be willing to do a video on how to navigate if you're not no contact, if they want to be friends again and you've been engaging in a friendship dynamic? Are there ways of reducing their fears around connection or your own abandonment wounding when the person who ended the relationship over those fears is still around and it reminds you of the rejection even when they're being really supportive?
Bobby Rios method is a option. It's called under the radar no contact
I.e. set time restriction on a date say 30mins coffee date or 1hr eating date.BE THE ONE TO LEAVE DATE FISRT
SUBDUED INTEREST ,don't validate them ,push pull behaviour and how you talk to them
PRE EMPTIVE PULL BACKS when you sense their losing interest, you pull back for a few days of no contact
Be mysterious
Hope this helps â
How does one do no contact when you have kids? Thank you love the content â€
Should they tell us about going no contact in advance? What if they just drop off the center of the earth. No texts, no talking, no social media, etc. Just poof ....they're gone, no explanation. Please advise. Thank you.
Hello Thais, could you make a video on how to move on from someone who is not healthy for you when attempting No Contact triggers your fear of abandonment and hence you keep coming back?
Yeah, work on your codependency. Your fear of abandonment existed way before this person.
How do you know if you're going through a break up if they didn't communicate anything to you versus like I suppose deactivation or how long should those things last?
Most of the time I am secure but I dated an avoidant for the first time in my life. I behaved very very anxious after our discussion with the DA bf. I felt that I overwhelmed him being anxious, even he told me never text him again. I now feel like he will never ever want me back. He said we need to break up, it is not about I don't love you. Do you think no contact will still work for us? Well, the second one is not applicable now, too late :)
Don't bother getting them back if they aren't going to change, they aren't worth it
Going into six months of radio silence. He rebounded with his neighbour three weeks post breakup. I guess itâs not no contact anymore.
That is so painful. I'm sorry you're having tondeal with that painful experience.
@@Shutzie27 đđŒ
My DA left march 14 almost 50 days ago,saying she donât feel loved or wanted & I am not spending time with her we lived together for a year but she cheated once and I suggested we live separate ..she rented a room and just broke up 3 months later.
DAâs donât say they donât feel loved and definitely donât want more time with anyone. Iâm wondering if your person is really a DA đ€
Hi Thais I love your videos can you do some videos for non romantic relationships like friends such as an FA n DA friendship. I lost my sister and even tho I was explicit in what I needed my DA friend was mean n rude to me after a month they said I am using my sister death as an excuse they said they would b there for me but weren't there made me feel shityy n acted as if i was asking so much. I was there for their low moment. Im the FA my friend is a DA
I'm sorry for loss and can only imagine how difficult that must be to go through. I will try and make some videos on this in the future, thank you for your request! â€âđ©č
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thank you. I'd highly appreciate it. It's been 2 months now since she's gone. My friend has never lost anyone, but they thought I should recover how they wanted me to. They thought they were there for me. I needed consistency for a week, and I explicitly outlined what I needed because I know them. It would b like I am asking so much. They were so inconsistent n oy showed up 2 days of the week and every week they would tell Me I'd be here. When id bring this up either triggered because my emotions were all over the place they would tell me things like I am fucked up or manipulatetive. I understood it came from a place of hurt they thought I was blaming them but if never do that. However now they have stonewalled because they beleive I was critical. I was upset during a painful time of mine o had to consider their feelings and b perfect I couldn't just be me. I wanted a space to feel free n cry it's tough for men to deal with these emotions openly. But they thought these are actions only a romantic partner should deal with. However when they were in a low season I wqs there for them with no doubt/hesitation. He only wanted to help me how he would have wanted and my ways were considered invalid. I opened up to them about somebody I lost when I was young a secret I never shared for 15 years, last year I lost my friend at the young age of 28, this year I lost my sister so they knew death was a touchy subject for me. He just struggled to put his own ego n emotions aside to be there for me. He stonewalled and went to his room n his other comforts. I understand it's to protect himself but damn I was really drowning here
I am dealing with a fearful avoidant who could not even commit to an online date. Emotionally there were highs and lows, hot and cold with no consistency and which when confronted sought to distract, detract etc. Does it even make sense even attempting to have this type of person around. It feels very psychologically draining especially if your just waiting for the next bombshell. Can this type of personalty ever be cured?
I want to write this script to my ex....but I'm 3 days into no contact (after a bad breakup where I ended up shouting at her because after 1 years of her getting angry at me, shouting at me, changing our plans for the future etc etc I saw a message where she'd screenshot my family member and sent that screenshot to her sister, who then said a horrible thing about my family and I blew up. I was so mad). After I blew up and shouted at her, she dumped me (but takes no responsibility for WHY I blew up!). Not sure what to do!!
If she was deliberately doing things to hurt you then she was a narcissist.
I broke it a few times I wanted to try to fix it but giving up now
The problem with calling something out in a way that's effective is that it's often either still received as too much, or too little and it gets ignored almost by default. Also, if you have to basically act like an avoidant for 60 days to get their interest again... :\ but I still appreciate the idea behind it. I understand avoidants not liking clinginess, but having normal conversation (even if the topic isn't what they feel like discussing) rewarded with stonewalling isn't healthy. Both have to contribute, even if it's a challenge. The other party has their own challenges too.
Absolutely hilarious how the ultra abusive silent treatment or toxic stonewalling is now back to being recommended by therapists after being accepted as inappropriate for a decade.
Stonewalling would be within a relationship.
No contact is after that relationship is over.
I see a lot of people in the comments say the avoidant came back and then left a few weeks later. I wonder if some of it is because they never planned to come back in the same capacity? Iâve reached out to two people I allegedly discarded, both times with explanations as to why and an apology for any hurt caused. They both attached with the quickness. They wanted to add each other on different platforms again, to reestablish the same level of communication as before. Typically, Iâm overwhelmed because it was never supposed to be that. Iâm reaching out to hopefully remove some of the relational and emotional weight from them, not trying to restart anything. Iâm sure at least one of them is pretty pissed with me because I never reach out but I never wanted to reignite anything.
I can't speak for everyone, but when my avoidant exes have come back it's been for different reasons. Either to rekindle what we had and try again or for sexual purposes or friendship. I also lean avoidant and I'm also usually the one who breaks up. My exes are pretty cool people so of course we can be friends. I just have to be clear...many times...that we're just friends. It might be different whether it's a man or woman too? Not sure. But in my experience, avoidant men will chase avoidant women but it's not as reciprocated when the roles are reversed.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakesyeah, Iâve reached out because I questioned myself and thought maybe I can remove their hurt feelings in a way. Iâve learned thatâs not possible because someone breaking up with you will hurt no matter what, so most recently, Iâve said my piece and just ended it so I donât have to wonder about these things.
@@sj3969 I understand. At least you tried.
I'd say the only men I've ever hurt was when I was 18 to 20 years old and I'm now in my 40's. I didn't do anything wrong aside from break up with them, so I never had guilt or felt the need to reach out although they've reached out to me over the years. Funny because one will reach out strong and then block me on everything. I'm not really sure if he's trying to hurt me make me feel rejected or maybe it was still painful for him. But we were kids so I don't really get it. Either way, I have nothing to say and I hope nobody ever feels they need to contact me.
That's why I say it's something we will do when we are younger and less mature. We assume the other gives less of a damn, has similar feelings to us but we soon learn oh hell that is a bad idea
Did you clearly and bluntly state you were not interested in rekindling from the outset? People often project their desires on interactions, so if one of your exes wants to try again and you show up with apologies, closure-giving explanations and initatiated contact, quite frankly I can see why they would see no further contact as confusing (i.e., nothing you've done wrong, just people subconsciously project desires is all).
It's hard to be accountable in the way you describe and you should be proud of yourself for it, esoecially if your motivation was for their healing.
My ex-DA would sometimes apologize but it always landed flat with me because it was just to stroke his ego so he could feel like this great, noble person; it had nothing to do with healing relational wounds or even me or my heart. He didn't want the guilt is all.
You sound like you're coming from a different place. Congrats on the work you've done and I hope your healibg continues well.
If we break no contact then does it start all over again at square one or has major damage been done to reconnect in the future?
No
I miserably failed the no contact rule after a heavy breakup with a FA because on previous arguments/breakups I went after her and it worked. This time the more I pushed, the worse it got till she ignores my texts. We work together but don't see each other often at work. She even ignores my hellos
I guess it's game over with her for life?
Maybe. But for now I would stay no contact and heal. My exes are notorious for trying old tactics to get me in and it gets annoying honestly. I can be fully in and drop off the face of the earth if someone keeps pushing me.
I haven't found a way how to get over the respect that I lost from her, the embarrassment for my fail. How do you heal that? Just her continuing to ignore triggers this memory of fail
â@@sebastianc4257 heal, workout, just raise your vibration. We can't take back what we did in the past. We can just do better moving forward. Your silence shows your healing.
Not necessarily. I'm FA leaning secure. I used to get triggered when someone pursued me hard. It scared me so I closed off. But, if they backed off a little, gave me space and waited awhile, a few days, sometimes a couple of weeks, I'd reach out and let them in again. If that happens with her, don't go overboard and take it sloooooowwwww. Patience is your best friend when dealing with an FA.
The reason for the breakup is because I made a comment that she was insulted by and she took from that that I see her as broken and wanting to fix her.
From there, further disqualifications probably made her lose all her trust towards me. It's been 3 months since the breakup and for 2 months kept getting worse as I pushed and broke her trust more and more with things.
So, I'm deeply regretful of how things turned out, even letting it easy now prob won't reverse it
But why do we want them back? To go through that painful cycle, again?
I broke things off with my FA. I've been staying no contact for over 2 weeks now, and it's been such a relief. If my FA reaches out, I hope he's ready not to make the same mistakes. One question, he watches my social media. Should I remove him from my instagram?
If you want him to reach out, let him see that you're having fun living life. If you want to you genuinely want to move on, block him on everything
No contact is a scam. But if you do it normally you heal and move on. Itâs pretty rare to move on and then poof want your ex back.
A healthy situation would be communication and kindness.
However these avoidant have no clue how to do that unless theyâll take lsd with you and face their deep routed issues. Ha ha ha.
I always wondered if reaching out before the 6 week mark just sort of resets their time to start missing the person? like if you would reach out around week 5 and they wouldn't fully get into the missing the person would it just reset the 6 week period when you go no contact again?
What if I broke the no contact rule at 6 weeks and 4 months, before I knew better (or that he was even avoidant), but then Iâve gone 8 months with no contact? Do those two earlier contacts mean I blew my chance for him to ever come back? đ
i went no contact for 2 years, maybe 2 & a half. saw her in a mutual friend's twitch chat & put the hand wave emoji just to take her temperature & see where her head was at. she gave a semi warm response back which was odd because of how bad the friendship ended. i sent her an invite link to my discord & she clicked it & accepted the invite so incredibly fast, which suggests some desperation on her part. we exchanged a cordial but very brief couple words in the dm & have had no further contact since then. that was like a year ago. does that count as breaking no contact if I went no contact for 2+ years prior to that?
My ex wife is flipping out because she wants us to have a friendship. She has a boyfriend. Why the heck does she insist we are friends? She left me out of the blue. She has a bunch of unresolved relationships trauma. I donât want anything to do with her but co-parent when needed by text. She is driving me nuts. I need time to process her leaving me and she thinks we just go from married 15 years to naturally going to friends who talk everyday. Totally she is an FA. What is her angle?
The first thing that comes to mind is that a part of you fills her needs in certain areas and she doesn't want to let go of this. Similarly to friends. Different friends meet different needs. You absolutely do not need to do this though. Do what feels right for you.
I deal with something really similar. My partner of 9 years broke it off but still wants to be friends.
The thing is, the relationship ended in HER mind probably years before she actually dumped me, so sheâs had time to grieve the loss of the relationship and move on emotionally. For me it still hurts as I havenât had the same amount of time.
Why does she keep trying? Like probably all of us, I have value to her outside of just the romantic stuff. I fixed her car, I took care of her dog, I made repairs on her home, I helped her financially, and she loved talking to me about work, politics, etc. She understandably misses all of those things because she benefitted from them.
Iâll admit for a few months I kept doing all of them hoping to âwin her backâ, but after 3 months or so I gave up and went no contact.
I canât say that it âworkedâ in the sense of getting her back, but itâs allowed me to go a full day every now and then without obsessing about her. A brutal slog of a process to be sure, but Iâm slowly getting over the heartbreak. I believe itâs faster with no contact.
Thais I attachment quiz, but it does not give me percentage
would you need to stay no contact if its their birthday and you know they are alone that day due to circumstances? I'm guessing yes because its a moment they can reach out
The course is behind a paywall but in the video you say itâs free this month⊠?
How do you reach out after no contact? Since DA rarely does this.
I wouldn't at all. But that's just me.
You just call and say what you feel in a respectful and kind manner.
Will you please do a video on how to nip bread crumbing in the bud before it starts?âŠhow to set clear boundaries around your standards before anyone has a chance to trample them? What to say to someone whoâs still texting every few weeks after a first date, with only vague insinuations of further dates or the promise of a relationship, masked in playful banter - I find this so annoying and not a good use of my time to flirt and banter with someone who doesnât put dates in the calendar or follow through with romancing me appropriately. How to waste no time eliminating time wasters? âŠso OVER âkissingâ frogs đ€
He broke up with me 2yrs ago he wants to be friends..I have tried to be friends with him but found I'm too hurt to maintain a friendship after an intense love affair. I've tried very hard to keep distance but I allow myself to be pulled back in as he says I've abandoned him. We are struggling with communicating
He does gaslight but tells me I'm gaslighting:/ It's so confusing I desire the relationship. Is it to late ?
I think the key is to not let yourself be pulled back in. My exes have always tried to get me back, but I'm not interested even if I love them. Thais's PDS courses are pretty amazing to help you through situations like this. At least if you do go back, you'll be in a better place and make an informed decision from a good mindset. â€
Okay, but what if you never had no contact? Ended on good terms. Still friends. Text near daily. Infrequent hangouts. I'm supposed to suddenly ditch the guy? Sounds like a bad idea. He's a DA and I'm secure.
You often talk about FAâs to try and reconnect after 6 weeks, what if you tried that and they responded with a simple text but it didnât progress any further?
Am i supposed to try again or do I wait till he reaches out?
I was with an FA, and he keeps calling me. I don't want anything else to do with him. Just know getting back with them will mean further hurt, as they're incapable of meeting your needs.
is not watching their stories really necessary in no contact ?
What if we have a kid ?
Hey guys a bit of help please clarity.
My ex is 53 years old she has only had very short relationships 3-4 months.
She would always bale at the slightest problem.
I met her and I'm now in our second break up.
First after a year and second after a year
I'm in no contact she wants to be friends.
She had a boyfriend in her early teens and they were so attached.
Then he got married and for the last 13 years she had an on off affair with him .. he always said he would leave his wife ... had no intention.
I've been her longest relationship.
She has a tendency to jump on and off the fence.
Her father who she was close to had an abusive relationship with her mum very toxic
Any idea of her attachment style please
Happy to answer any questions â€
I'd say a fearful avoidant. She has to heal that in order to have any type of healthy relationship.
Thank you that explains so much . She is absolutely adamant that there is no chance of reconciliation. Well she said that last time .... đ
I'm attending to my development.. do they usually reach out
â@@LeeChrissy
I tried to say she should see a therapist but she "isn't to be labelled"
@@martinhebblewhite4659 as hard as it is to hear, I wouldn't bother with her. She's in her 50's and doesn't want help. You're just setting yourself up for heartbreak.
Bail*
I just wrote a text to him with that exact verbiage - verbatim . Itâs like a science experiment!đ. Weâll see what he says!
Lol, please come back and share the results!
Please share the science experiment results đ
đ
Did you hear back yet? I'm fully invested. Lol
I emailed him đ€Šđ»ââïž calling him out on his exaggerations. I donât expect him to be back any time soon if ever lol
Mind you this is after him saying âIâm the love of his lifeâ he got triggered and bailed and hasnât faced me since except for email. The thing that set me off is him saying âthe email conversation was for my benefitâ hah! đ
I just could not let him sit with his false narrative. Maybe heâll use the points I gave him for his next relationship. But heâs so stubborn/ black and white thinking.
Oh well.
I think the conflict script needs to be tighter.
Specifying a time limit to meet again and work on the conflict, like within 48 hours. Otherwise, the DA can avoid ad infinitum.
6 weeks is a stretch 6 months, I'd just move one.
You'd move one?
Its been 12 months no contact, i hope i never hear from her again... good riddance
My FA Dumper is really angry and hateful towards me, acts like I am the worst thing ever happened to him. I was in no contact for months to heal myself and we bumped after that, into each other on the streets. He even said he never wants to have contact again and dont even greet me. Like I did anything to him.
I would listen and never talk to him again. Wash your hands of it. â€
@@LeeChrissy I think it is really immature. He broke up because of typical avoidant reasons. I never chased him, so probably I triggered his fear of rejection and now he hates me đ
They're an ex, it's healthy to take space from an ex for a few years at least. You don't do the whole "friends" thing until the dust has settled.
@@Littleowl85352 the breakup was 2 years ago. Not a few months
ââ@@DeadMysticxoh well, maybe just move on yourself, you know. Maybe they think if they give you attention, you'll try to date them again. Maybe you have needy vibes.
If you do no contact never go back. If they come back they need to show you why you should even consider giving them a 2nd chance
Seriously. The longer I watch this the more I'm convinced you either don't consider people in my situation, or you just don't have the research. Either way. I really like your style, yourknowledge, your perspective. But there is a glaring blind spot I think many of your listeners might agree with. We have shared kids. He/she left. We HAVE TO communicate at least a little. I respect you. Please, for newly single mothers like me, who don't want to be. Speak to how WE do this.
How do i apply no contact when i work with this person..i see her almost everyday and have to communicate in a daily basis.. Please help!!
That's a hard one! I had to live through that, and had to work closely so was never able to achieve it. My person finally left and I was relieved. Then he came back after that even (after no contact) !
So, unfortunately it may take one of you leaving.đą
OMG..đđŁđą
You be polite and do your best to ignore the person. You work, nod your head and move.
Indifference. The lack of attention and being unfazed by their presence.
Iâm right there with you. Iâm 6 months into no contact (more like limited contact) with my DA ex. We cannot go full no contact because we work together and own a home together. But I really am doing my best. Itâs very difficult.
I suck at relationship so bad it ainât even funny. Being avoidant sucks. Last time I tried lasted 2 months, my ex mentioned getting deployed and thatâs all it took. He got with somebody right after got her pregnant and got deployed and now heâs back home. I seen him at Walmart last night and Iâm really feeling triggered and just want to ball my eyes out smhhh. It sucks so bad. He was ideal basically perfect and what I wanted in somebody and I ended it all smh. Idk what to do honestly or how to progress in relationship.
Try joining the personal development school. I swear it helps. â€
@@LeeChrissy I watch a lot of her videos all the time. And it does help. But idk in the actual situation of a relationship itâs such a struggle. I may see and look into it again and try to join if I can.
@@tiffanycox9210 yeah the courses are completely different. You actually write out scripts and participate in live webinars (if you want). It's pretty amazing.
Thais, this feels like silly click bait for those who have not done the work, and indeed makes people feel like if they did do this and the avoidant did not come back, they are at fault. Most avoidants donât come back.
Avoidants always come back in my experience. It's obviously different for different people, but I just disappear and do my own thing and move on with my life the best I can. That's generally when they come back. After a ton of space. However, if I'm constantly doing personal development and they come back the same, I turn them away. It's happening as I write this. The same goes with any ex with any attachment style.
@LeeChrissy well Lee, that has not been my experience, and I can promise you after a breakup, I don't contact them even once. And when i have run into them by accident they see totally like a stranger. That said, i don't care because I am earned secure now. But posting about getting your ex back is click bait for anxious or fearful and has no place here, bad dating advise.
If someone is avoiding you for a month then youâre not dating. You are wasting your time at that point.
She came back, but, it was just screaming and shouting for control.
It's been 7 weeks.. đŽ
Thais, itâs been 6 months for me. He still has not come back. Heâs made no moves towards me. No meme sending. No texts. Absolutely nothing. I have no idea if he will come back and if this will work. Heâs trying to make me homeless and force me out of our home. He expects me to have an answer for him on the home by 6/20/2024. I donât know if I can keep pushing it. I donât know what Iâm supposed to do. I really thought heâd be home by now. I thought he wouldâve come back by now.
Obviously I don't understand the complexity of the situation your dealing with so take it with a gtain of salt. If your former Partner is asking for an answer from you concerning your formerly shared home then not giving him an answer cannot be considered no contract. It sounds like stonewalling to me what you are doing. You can have no contract when things that can be resolved are resolved and there is no immediate need to be in contact. He might feel like you are trying to hold on to the relationship by not resolving the living situation. And he would be right, wouldn't he?
If you are overwhelmed with dealing with the house situation and moving etc. tell him that. You cannot be forced to move as long as he hasn't hired a lawyer. The more coopertative you are the better if he decides to go that route.
@@alllscination thank you for your reply. Obviously my comment lacked detail so youâre right that you just donât know the complexity of it. I am in no way shape or form stonewalling him. I will try to make this as short as possible.
1) in October 2023 my DA abruptly ended the relationship out of nowhere, completely blindsided me and then ran away to his parents house and has stonewalled all further communication since. He refuses to talk about anything to do with âusâ and only wants to discuss our home and what we are going to do (buy out vs sell).
2) since he left, we have talked a total of 7 times. The reason we have these âtalksâ is because he is trying to force me out of our home. Basically what happens is this, we will set a âdateâ to talk, and in between these dates we are no contact. He will not allow for a full no contact situation because of the issue of the house. He demands that we set these meetings and have these conversations.
3) during these 7 conversations, sometimes they go really well. Other times they go incredibly negative. Sometimes he opens up about things. Other times he remains shut off. Sometimes he seems open to reconciliation, other times he seems adamant about wanting me out of his life. There has been no clear linear timeline of things as he goes back and forth. Truthfully I feel like I am talking to multiple personalities when I talk to him as heâs so different depending on the day.
4) one of the last conversations we had in March, he threatened legal action. After we talked about this a bit, he agreed that he would not hire a lawyer but that I have to have an answer for him come June as he will not allow me to keep extending the timeline. Since this conversation he told me he got himself into therapy because he needs âclarityâ on this situation because he âdoesnât know what he wantsâ whatever that means.
Basically what has been going on is this, I literally have no where else that I can move to. I donât have any family. I donât have any friends. I have 0 support network at all. I have nothing to fall back on. I have nowhere soft to land. I have no one who will help me. Iâm 100% alone. The market in the city that I live in is absolutely crazy and I cannot afford to buy a new home nor can I afford to rent a place. Rent in my city now far surpasses what I am currently paying in mortgage. I am truly between a rock and a hard place. I am not stonewalling him as all of this has been communicated, but I am dealing with someone who is acting like a child throwing tantrums. Heâs not being an adult about this at all. An adult would understand that when you have your lives intertwined like this, you cannot just kick the other person out of it. We are not 15 years old. This is not a little kid breakup. Iâm not stonewalling him and refusing to answer him. Iâve told him several times that I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO and thus we cannot sell the home. I will literally be homeless living on the streets with 3 cats if he continues to try and strong arm me about the house. I NEED TIME. Time he is unwilling to give because he just wants this to be âeasyâ and expects me to just disappear.
Weâve been together for 5 years.
We work together.
We live together.
We own the home we live in.
We have 3 cats together.
We were discussing marriage and children.
He allowed me to take a $20K paycut at work to transition into this âtradâ lifestyle that we were building. (I was planning to become a SAHM).
He pulled the rug right out from under me. Within 2 months of allowing me to take that large paycut, he brutally abandoned me.
Iâm not stonewalling as Iâve been very communicative from the beginning. And Iâm also not necessarily holding out for the relationship by holding onto the house. Yes, I am holding out for the relationship to work and fix itself. This is ultimately what I want. But when it comes to the home, Iâm only holding onto the home because itâs literally the only option I have aside from homelessness.
Iâm just getting very scared because 6/20 is approaching and I still have no idea what to do. If he doesnât come back by then, and still insists on this breakup and me having an answer for him by then, I donât know what Iâm going to do.
I donât know how this cannot be considered âno contactâ as we literally have 0 contact with eachother aside from matters of the home/work. Itâs the best I can do given my situation. Itâs really called âlimited contactâ (I learned that in one of my relationship coaching sessions), but itâs all that can be done when youâre in a situation like mine.
ââ@@bbrittanyy1Have a word to your local women's shelter, it's a dreadful situation but you're still putting all the power in his hands, please use this time you have left to establish that support network you lack. He sounds completely insane and you need to cut ties.
This is why women are warned against the âtrad wifeâ thing. Never leave your life in the hands of another fallible and ever changing human being. I wish you the best
Learn to enjoy the stonewalling if thatâs possible.
I feel you are snowing people! Doesn't matter your history findings we don't know if its true. People are cold and stay in pain. Thus no change. Need proof in my on eyes. All my life people hate no reconcile unto forgiveness. Maybe its me.
Just give the FAs and DAs the kind of no contact that means, never again, this is not for me kinda vibe no contact. It really is that simple, their behaviour should be enough to turn anyone with a pulse off and make no contact a walk in the park. Reading all the comments of people that try these "strategies" and how it "failed" is a testimony as to why they should just be avoided point blank. Watch each video that sparks your interest for giggles and education, take your notes and move on.
I've been engaged in your courses, Thais, but you CANNOT go no contact when you've got shared children. Can you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE address this? Please? Because I get what you're saying. Even on the weekends he has the kids, when I don't respond even about things NOT about our kids, while he has them, he goes weird. "How come you aren't answering me" xyz.
All I'm saying is. I get no contact works if you had no shared kids. Easy peasy. Just don't reach out or respond. But.
You NEVER talk about how to do this when you HAVE to talk, cause you have children.
Please address that. Please.
I feel like I've seen videos on this but not sure if it's from Thais. You can't go no contact in this situation. The only solution really is to, like you said, keep it about the kids. You can be polite and brief when he texts about something else, but you don't need to respond if you don't want to. It's not up to him. If he gets mad, let him.
Yes please just go no contact give us space we are not going to be "helped" by nursemaiding flapping around begging pleading people pleasing trying to change us we honestly need to figure this one out ourselves- plus if we don't want you, sadly we don't want you. If I wanted you, I wouldn't have broken up with you.
Signed, DA.
There's in lies your problem " we are not going to be "helped" by nursemaiding flapping around begging pleading people pleasing trying to change us we honestly need to figure this one out ourselves " you so hate yourselves that you hold anyone that cares about you in even more distain.
â@@macdavy70 no sir I don't hate myself but I do dislike other adults attempting to treat me like a child and mould me to their worldview, take care and may you treat the next person you interact with with more respect âïž
EXACTLY! Please anxious types, accept that we DO know our own mind and we donât want to reunite. It is very manipulative to plan a strategy (âokay, no contact for at least 6 weeks, then I willâŠâ) toward another human being. Itâs like you all hang on every word of these so called attachment expertsâ and think they speak for avoidants. They donât.
â@@stephaniec5215 yes if we want someone we let them know it's pretty simple
@@Littleowl85352 I call it bluff. You are actually the only attachment style that can be manipulated through no contact
Will a fearful avoidant ex girlfriend encourage you to date other women as a way to test you? I heard that was common with fearful avoidants
Are you trying to sound sophisticated by calling the partner avoidant attachment style. Well you donât you sound confusing and honestly this advice will help to totally cut that person off by no longer caring for the other one. Go back to school and really learn something about relationships because psychology is not a real science.
literally begging you to take a little break from the phrase "deeper dive." its too too omg insane too much.
We avoidants LOVE to know that you will stay away. These anxious types wrongly believe we give a damn about anything you want to tell us, show us, give back to us. Please respect yourself and get a full life! The holiday texts are also unwanted (birthday, Christmas, etc). Figure out why you bother people and stop it!
have you discussed this with your other self?
â@@dandanut5409đ
@@dandanut5409interesting. You and another person here have used the same language as far as other selves/personalities go. Share with us because you say you use research and Iâm a psych researcher (in developmental psych but research is research), so this is a conversation Iâm very equipped to have. Share with us this body of work pointing to avoidants having multiple personalities or other selves. Either of your accounts can answer
Go to a psychiatrist
Thanks!
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