When The Avoidant Realizes You're Gone - THIS Happens
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 28. 05. 2024
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In today's video, Thais Gibson discusses what happens when the avoidant attachment style (dismissive avoidant attachment style) realizes you're gone after a break up.
Watch now to learn about what happens in the mind of the avoidant attachment style when you're gone and they realize you aren't coming back, as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "How to Heal From a Break Up & Transform Grief", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:15 - Carrying a Fear of Commitment
00:02:16 - Feelings Minus Fears
00:04:15 - Melting Iceberg
00:08:27 - What You Can Do To Heal
00:08:34 - Step #1: No Contact
00:09:34 - Step #2: Question Your Stories
00:10:36 - Step #3: Map Out the Next Phase of Life
00:11:20 - Course: How To Heal From A Breakup
00:11:58 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
I created the Personal Development School, an online learning platform that gives users the ability to create true and long-lasting change in their lives through personal development courses that are designed to give you a breakthrough in every area of your life, with a 99.7% satisfaction rate.
Our CZcams videos give you a glimpse into this in-depth course content. Much of what you'll learn here is based on your attachment style and how that affects the relationships you have with your family, friendships, and of course, your romantic relationships.
So what are you waiting for? This could be the start of your personal development journey. Subscribe to our channel and start watching!
#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachmentStyle #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #NoContact #AvoidantBreakup
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Irony of life:
"We get irritated by people who care for us, and run behind the people who ignore us.
We ignore those who adore us, and adore those who ignore us.
We hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us."
How true and sad!
No thatâs not always the case
True in many cases.
IN THAT ORDER!
That's not my life. Thats an avoidants life.
Just forget it, everyone. Honestly, I feel like this channel and its focus on avoidants and how to âwinâ them gives hope where likely there is none. You can give them all the love, support, and care in the world and they still absolutely walk away. Pull away. Melt away into silence. Do. Not. Wait. On. Them. You deserve better. We all do. Love yourself and live life to the fullest. Life is short.
I hope there is a video to help avoidants do their adjustment and effort in their relationships especially with anxious ones. The world seems only adjusting to them.
It is not just for dismissive avoidants, an anxious style also needs to heal and make the adjustments, if you are thinking that they are the only one that needs to change it would also be the other person that needs to change I am a dismissive avoidant and I have had a person with anxious and fearful avoidant style they didn't want to realize that they also needed healing as well, but I hope this will help you out, take care
@@Gabriel-ws2ez Thanks, yes, I know that is why Iâm watching the videos on this channel but it is mostly how we all can understand avoidants but almost nothing about how avoidants must also do their job. That is what Iâm trying to say. đ
Exactly! I agree đŻ most DA videos on this channel focus on how other attachment styles need to adjust to them, not on how the DA can heal their core wounds, nor how they can adjust to the needs of their partner
â@@maetan2682 your welcome I meant to be sincere, it is a tough battle for me and really depends on the extent of how long the relationship has lasted for, 15 years for me the other night I had a dream where I was with her again and felt trapped no matter door I tried to go out she or the other persons that she had manipulated was blocking the doorway for me to leave and it was so bad that it was very hard for me to wake up it made feel drogy all day.
â@@maetan2682adjustments these people have major psychological issues, they don't need adjustments, they need major work
This began in February. We broke up last Saturday. I'm working on myself through Integrated Attachment Therapy. Wish me luck y'all. I'm 53, and still growing.
Im 53. My husband of 15 years left me in December.
You don't need luck. You will get 'there'. Give yourself some grace.
Good luck man, I'm 24 my ex just broke up with me at Thursday because of a major mistake I made
You are already whole and complete. I decree that you will realize it. Happy healing â€ïžâđ©č I know it hurts, let it. And let it remind you of just how powerful a force you are to let heavy emotions move through you
Almost there myself, you keep going...
My AD got in touch after a few weeks of no contact telling me that relationships puts him in an emotional tailspin etc etc etc. Not the first time he ghosted me for a small issue, but it will be the last time. He was an emotional vampire and I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time trying to be sensitive to his feelings. I told him that I don't have the energy to deal with his behaviour anymore, and deleted him from my life. Had I been less emotionally healthy, he would have dragged me down to a very dark emotional space. Good riddance.
.
I don't know what AD means, but congratulations on sending him away! đšâđŸ
Life is better without an energy vampire. đ§ââ
Good job..wish I was as strong as u. I'm hurting bad
@@hopelessromantic1763 this too, shall pass.
I changed the perspective and I donât want to raise a 50 year old man. Changed my mind! This will take years to fix but first he needs to admit he has a problem! Iâm done!!đŻđŻ
Absolutely! I was with a 50 year old boy and ... enough of this sh!t. His potential is just that, will be unrealised for the rest of his life. I don't have the time to wait knowing it will never get better.
I just left my wife of 29 years for this reason. She is a child. Throws tantrums and slams things and screams and yells and stomps. Even throws herself on the floor. She actually yells and says thatâs what I want. Nope. An adult discussion without invalidation and trying to find common ground and resolution
I got dumped by a 53 year old boy while on vacation with him. Returned home and haven't spoken to him since. 1 year relationship second time ghosting me. Hurts like hell. I knew I should have never went back the first time he left. Now he's with someone else after a week from me. I blocked him. Now I need to get myself together.
@@hopelessromantic1763 WOWWW!! Same here! Iâm sitting here now sayingâŠâI got it now! No more narcissistic people for me. I had to go through this final fool to actually get it! And by the way.. he did you a favor! Let him be someone elseâs nightmare! We deserve to be treated like queens!đŻđŻâ
My avoidant discarded me 3 months ago, slightly before my birthday. We had been together for 6 months. I've been maintaining no contact ever since. She hasn't contacted me either. Meanwhile, I have mourned the relationship, and I'm in the process of moving on. I care enough about myself to let go of her and continue to be happy and lead a fulfilling life! And I care less and less about her!
I got dumped before valentines day and again before birthday..special events cancelled..its a pattern
The avoidant should only engage in casual relationships. You can't self sabotage where there's no commitment
Oh, but you can! When you start to develop feelings for the other.
@@SkyePhoenix the avoidant fears emotional intimacy it's one of the things that makes them run
Hello, I dont have a lot of experience. Mine let me think it was serious, he talked about future and I realized I was just a friend with benefit. Well, it would've been great if he was honest about the relation being casual đ
@@cnote3580 Yes, I know. I've dealt with a DA. I am an FA, so I have an avoidant side as well.
â@@leti7595that part. This just happened to me a week ago. Smh
Great vid. I spent 14 yrs married to a DA who was deeply wounded by childhood abuse. i wish id know how to manage her better from the start. We couldve avoided much heartache. She needed me for her needs but didnt want to meet or hear about mine. I paid the divorce lawyer last week. Learning who i am again for the first time in quite a while!
Congratulations on this new chapter in your life! đ
So Iâm an FA and I attracted 2 DAâs into my life over the past year. The first one I became so anxiously attached that it exploded in my face and I spent 4 months just healing from it where it was hard to feel okay. Then when I was finally starting to feel okay again I attracted another DA where I didnât get so attached but still felt it. That just ended recently, and it feels like the healing has gone like 10x faster and I am no longer crying over the lost person so much, but over my own self being so disconnected and wounded. The journey has taught me to care about myself so much, and I even have so much more empathy for the DA this time around, seeing how scared and damaged they are deep down. It makes me realize how much we all need to love and take care of one another, and that starts with taking care of ourselves first.
You are not FA.
It a natural feeling that we want people to miss us and hurt like we have during the process. We have to learn to stick to our boundaries and not allow people to break them just because we think they could be the one. Some people are so messy within themselves that no one isn't going to be good enough for them and that's actually sad. Especially when we are old enough to know better!!
She always told me that she didnât want a serious relationship. She pursued me first and we made a deep connection. She liked my background and my morals. It seemed like she didnât want to lose me. But then she pulled away and prioritized everything except for me. I thought that I could show her that I was worth it.
This is the dynamic that I think a lot of people run into with avoidants. Itâs been my experience as a DA that the men Iâve dated always think I just havenât met them yet, so they can change me. None succeeded. Hopefully, in the future you walk away to avoid such hurt.
That first line is all you needed to know. She said she didn't want a serious relationship. That's where it falls on you. It sucks and it's painful, but we really need to listen to people when they tell us their intentions.
The same exact thing happened to me. I wasn't even that into her initially. She love bombed me, then discarded me when I was all in.
@@Theviewerdude it could be her attachment, but she also could have no longer been interested. The word discarded is thrown around as loosely as narcissist now. People are allowed to say they're all set and leave. Isn't it better than keeping it going for years? I'd rather know early on.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakesbut what if they donât say anything? The treat you afterwards like almost nothing happened? Thatâs not fair!
People like that miss out on what the possibilities are. Someone who is there cares and loves them for who they and not what they are.
Best option is throw avoidants out of your life permanently and move on to new person đđđ this people are mad they don't deserve relationship this avoidants should actually remain unmarried forever đ
Needed this video, been going no contact for a month and tried to reach out to see how she was doing, she was still cold and I was still emotionally unprepared. No regrets though, i felt I needed to do it and I did, looking forward to healing fully as I have been! And I know deep down she will miss me and miss the values i brought to her life. Its just the difficulty at accepting something so awesome can disappear within 2 weeks. Yes she ghosted me and decided to breakup with me after ghosting me. Left me blindsided and had to pick up the pieces on my own, but i am glad that it happened as we both needed space to work on ourselves. I am a AP so its definitely harder and I am aware of that.
Wishing everyone the best of luck on their journeys! Remember that you were something to them, and they WILL feel it. But please focus on yourself! sending love!
i broke no contact after 2 months with an dismissive avoidant, to send a long final textmessage, to stand in for my feelings and values, and to finally go no contact forever, because this "waiting" for them to come back with no contact, is even more self destructive. Its their game, and i dont want to be part of it. Communication is the way to handle things like a mature and emotional grown up person
Thank you for this video :)
I feel sad because we had a great time together
I hope I was important to her
This was the sweetest comment. â€
You were. Please know that.
Me too, I hope he eventually remembers the love and fun we had
Currently in no contact with my avoidant Borderline ex fiancĂ©. Struggling with how great and healthy our relationship was and then one day she snapped and internalized her feelings and abruptly left without barely a conversation. As much as I want her back, she needs to want to do the work. She worshipped me and now itâs like she never even knew me or cared at all. I shouldnât want her back but I do because I know she has bpd and I just want to help her because I love her deeply and she says she still loves me. No contact is all I have left. Emotionally drained.
Starting to cherish the centuries of cultural traditions
My DA gf of 6 years dumped me a month and a half ago. She was having an emotional affair/Flirtmance with her boss whoâs a dentist. After going no contact after she dumped me, she texted me wanting to work things out. I said I wanted to work things out also, and we went on several dates. After the 4th date I thought things were going really well. Then she tells me she was going for dinners with him behind my back, while we were trying to work things out. She said she met him at a restaurant and afterwards gave him a bj in his car. She came clean. I was disgusted. Now she says she wants to work things out with me. Now sheâs acting all loving. Iâm trying to make it work cause I love her still, but I feel absolutely betrayed and donât trust her.
Iâm sorry. Thatâs despicable behavior and you deserve better. Good luck â€
she will use sex outside the relationship as a blocker and distancing technique for the love she feels for you . textbook avoidant .
that's despicable behaviour ... why do some of this attachment style get a kick from cheating and lying and other such like malignant behaviour?
Sounds like sheâs messing with your heart and likes the attention from you and him. Is she a narcissist? Sounds like triangulation. Iâd walk away. You deserve better
@@flagirl0315 there s scientifical studies most DAs like triangulations even if just flirt but it can be more.
Donât care. These people need to grow up, and stop treating others like crap.
These people just love to hear their self talk. These CZcamsrs find a new term and run with it. This helps them adjust and cope in their reality. Remember, itâs no measure of sanity to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
This term has been around since the 70s. Attached is bible of this backed by science
đI am old school... Either someone wants to be with you or they don't. Some of you guys just don't listen to what a female tells you and try to change her to meet your needs.
If a woman tells you I don't want kids, a committed relationship, don't need a man, not looking for marriage, you need to follow your first inclination.
Perfect.
Well that's a given isn't it? If you pursue someone after them telling you all of that, then there's something majorly wrong with you.
Not really .... Why are you here?
Exactly! Iâm that woman. I never NEEDED a man, but I did want one at some point. Partially biological I assume and the other part societal pressure. In fact, I would say a good portion of my dating experiences stemmed from trying to be normal but thatâs a conversation for another day. I tell men I donât want kids, marriage and I even question cohabitation, and they just nod and smile. They tell me Iâm cool and independent. Eventually, they get pushier, some almost aggressive as they pick me apart over time. Why donât you want this thing like my ex did? Donât women typically love birthday parties? The best was the conservative guy who told me Iâd be perfect if I hadnât let my feminist education poison my mind. Iâm great broodemare material I guess, just these pesky brains getting in the way.
And I was once that man. I lost the love and friendship of a great woman by projecting my insecurities onto her.
Not worth the time if they donât want the love youâre offering⊠they I think donât care if ure gone⊠for a month Iâve been chatting, he was flirting and such⊠he sweet and giving me his time and attention early morning when heâs up. But later he just being relax.. I the one often initiating to chat till we reached one month and he said weâre moving too fast⊠I fought for him, still giving him my attention and sent him letters, snail mail and some other stuff.. and last May 3 I have heard from him that he said he only wants friends⊠last we talked that one and I stopped initiating to chat with him⊠been 2 weeks now that we have no communication⊠I gave up. I rather have to focus on myself and my job. If one dont want my love and attention, then no problem to that,.. I know the good one is just right there waiting for me.
Thank you so much for considering my comment on the previous video and speaking much more purposefully and intent...
This was so helpful. Thank you.
So grateful to find you at this time in my life. đđđ Subscribed!
your content is simply amazing ..xx
Amazing video. I could relate to this a lot. Thank you.
Weâre both like this! Itâs awful. Iâm just learning this stuff⊠thank you đ
Thank you so much.
I honestly don't know what I would do without you and the personal development. Thank you Thais â€
Thank you for your beautiful comment! We appreciate your support
Doing the healing work now. Thank you for the info you provide. Weâre all a work in progress. â€
Keep up the wonderful work :)
Thank you for this. Iâm a anxious preoccupied type đ, however not sure if Iâm that anymore. My ex husband is a avoidant type, though seems that he could be changing, I dk. Iâve had to change for myself.
We are reconnecting after having divorced two years ago.đ
Not something I wanted, as I love himâ€. And he says he loves me.
As there was a betrayal of trust on his part, itâs trying to rebuild. Forgiving, not forgetting what happened. But concentrating on the now.
My Da and I (FA) long distance had a heated exchange. I reached out 24 hrs later I was still upset and he ended things and cancelled a major relationship milestone. I reached out multiple times via text requesting a conversation and empathizing and sharing I understand why he shut down (although we were both at fault). I was told âI hope youâre better for the next person and I will not discuss anything with youâ. What next? I want to save this.
I like the segue way into the course info on this video - less abrupt and hearing the metrics is helpfulđ
Hi Thais can you please make a video on FOMO and what core wounds itâs associated with? I think shame, I am bad and not living in alignment to your needs are key components of it. Love you sm
Step #2 !!!
You are so beautiful! A soft natural brow would really accentuate your stunning eyes.
after my last go around with mine im done.. the ignoring and running and lies and stress... 20 days ago she totaled my new truck.. i wasn't even mad then 2 days later she blocked me and hasn't said a word since.. last time i talked to her she said goodnight i love you and then blocked me... it's not worth the stress
Thais, I'm pretty sure that I have watched literally every single video you've put out in the last year about the Dismissive Avoidant. I feel like I've heard you say the same thing, reiterated, many times. I'm really curious if there is anything new about this topic, that I haven't already heard before. Is there any new insight, or nugget of wisdom? Because I've heard Feelings minus their Fears hundreds of times, and I totally get it.
I love Thais and all her videos. I found this person very informative as well and a little different information but both very good. đczcams.com/users/liveOkIxfPL0x64?si=fE4fqIQdJT0PKucl
are you listening to understand yourself, or someone else?
đ
wow . burn . how about some gratitude for everything she has taught you ? .... - for free ... its obvious you have not watched all the videos , or you would not have posted such a self entitled comment
But first they would have to go so far as to figure out what they want then tell you. There in lies the issue
Yep! These personality types are not sure of who they are or what they want. They tend to suffer a major identity crisis and never find themselves as throughout life, that is all they can do - narcissistically pursue themselves b/c they don't know themselves so this is why they can't know you or want to pursue you b/c they don't know or care enough about themselves.
I never even heard of dissnisdive avoidant until recently and even thought psychology was for coocoos, did not care for it, BUT without all that knowledge, I KNEW all of what you said.
How do Dismissive Avoidants deal with being broken up with? Especially if DA were satisfied with the status quo, and the other person was secure, calm and kind in separating with them, after a relatively peaceful relationship (no volatility / rollercoaster of intense push-pull and arguments/making up)
I imagine the separation elation is not that strong if present for the DA in this case, and they might hit their emotions sooner.
How does the advice in this video change if the DA is the one burned with rejection and losing someone they deeply loved and still wanted to be with?
I'm in this position. We still speak a little. In the meantime, everything I post on social media is liked within 5 minutes... it's a bit much. I have seen them once for coffee since I broke it off, and at the end they gave me a huge hug and said they wanted to catch up again for lunch and then they wanted to come to my house to meet my cats (they always refused to come to my house!). So they are chasing me, but if I give them a compliment, pay them too much attention, engage in a longer conversation then they back off... for about a day. I have moved on and am dating other fabulous people and am very happy.
@@amiaow glad that you have found the will to move on and are very happy :) that's important.
I told mind that I am ready in my life for a man who wants the same things I do; full commitment, ring on my finger and marriage! Somebody who sees me as the woman to grow old with.
I did have quite a good relationship with my DA, but that full commitment was something he was not Emotionally available for. We shared a lot with each other, including the sometimes vulnerable talks that are required for deep understand. We drew out a calm, loving and respectful joy in each other. Friendship was always the cornerstone that we could fall back on when it got wobbly, but the last two years it was never rocky. I think it's 50/50 that he will come back and propose to me.
Anyway, I told him I don't want to be friends. We should give each other space to focus on our own priorities. I wouldn't be able to focus on meeting my next big love with his energy around. I also cannot introduce him to a future husband as "just a friend" - it would be a lie.
We were best friends from the age of 12. I've always loved them, but we started dating at the age of 18. We moved in together, only now two years later aged 20 they blindsided me. I put on no contact and no longer want to date them, I want the close friendship we had for years. We were always very intimate and cuddly, and I'd do anything to get back to what we had, before they felt like they'd have to commit and grow as a person.
Love this clip, it s the first time you talked on ordinary speech, i really love the content but sometimes talking too fast made me leave the clip before it ended. Thank you.
My boss is lady who initiated contact, and then left but I have no idea how deal with this she doesn't want me to move on neither I want.
The moment you said the avoiding is afraid I have to call out the BS. They're risk assessment, and they decided you weren't worth the risk. đ đ
The relationship wasn't worth the risk. Not the person. But often you can't have any contact at all because the person wanting the relationship will hold onto false hope
Is that course in the personal developement school?
i think it is more nuanced: does timeframe of the relationship play a role in the chances of them coming back?? because i think emotional depth plays a bigger role than the timeframe? its just been 4 months seeing each other before she ghosted me. but on the other hand, i had a relationship breakup after 3 years and didnt feel the same pain at all. because you can have a superficial long term relationship and meet someone for 3 months and be very deep connected
The da was on and off, on and off according to the levels of familial responsibilities required, boredom and need for validation. I know now he âquasiâ came home when he needed space from those situation-ships. I donât need to be a da to know us normies have these moments too. I got over my badass childhood, wiped my nose and fought hard for a better life for me and my kids.
Trying to work out getting back together with my avoidant. He likes to spit out one sentence of his thoughts sandwiched between unrelated conversation. I'm now asking him to think about our needs and wants and find a time to discuss the road map going forward. He's a little slow in scheduling that convo.
Yup I had one DA send memes on 2 different social media accounts after we hadnât talked for months. I ignored them both. Sorry by that time I wanted more depth & he obviously wasnât able to give that.
Iâm not clear on no contact. What if the DA contacts you? Do you ignore them? Or respond but never actively reach out to them?
How do you respond to their da when they are breadcrumbing you when it may be their only attempt
If a DA rarely ever reaches out, do I break no contact? I know almost every video says the "dumper" is the first to reach out, but if avoidants don't reach out, how do you re establish that connection?
It's the decision of the dumper to come back. How does that work with the paradoxical nature of avoidants? Thank you â€ïžâ€ïžâšâš
Would absolutely love your thoughts on this. Thank you âšâïžâ€ïž
Well I guess they either do or they don't? The thing is you can't make them come back by trying to do it. Chasing is super super unattractive. Just live your best life and focus on you so that if they do resurface, you're well equipped to manage whatever goes down.
Do we need to tell that avoidant person at this point of time that it's over.. will that work?
How do you know when someone is an avoidant or just a self centered, selfish, neglectful person.
What about the FA?
Do they typically just go back to who they're comfortable with and not come back or commit to a new relationship that only made it to the three-month point?
I hope so lol! It was 4 years for me.
@@riverchick23 Ugh. That's a long time. I' think I'm watching too many videos about the different attachment styles. They're all excellent, but I'm still so confused. I have to force my self to stop overthinking as well. Very frustrating. Best wishes to you!
As a FA, no. I don't go back to an ex no matter how comfortable that was. (Only personal experience)
DA, I donât go back and I didnât find someone new for months/years. Now I just donât date
@@sj3969 same. Best, a FA
What if there was no real relationship, because he is a workaholic and there were only 7 get togethers in 3 years? Does this apply?
I think so because it's fairly common to be in "situationships" with DA's.
I love my avoidant ex....no doubt about it. I don't know if i could ever trust them to stay even if she came back. She has run off twice now. Currently 5 weeks since the break up, however i admit i did attempt to reach out until she blocked me. I would not be shocked if she came back, but equally not shocked if i never hear from her again.
đ
So, all Iâve gotten from every single one of these types of videos. If you and a DA break up, just move on and forget it. They are not coming back and if they do, they are not about the relationship at all. Just being selfish
What is a creatures comforts?
Material comforts
I stopped wanting my DA ex back. Worked on becoming secure and really worked on emotional regulation. Had to do modified no contact because we work together. Finally broke no contact because I just want to work on the professional relationship and kill the tension as best as possible. Now, he's super anxious and angry towards me. Says he doesn't trust me (have no idea why as I didn't cheat, lie, steal, or initiate the break up)...but I am just so drained by him, I don't care about being the villain in his story. Just want to be cordial at work. Has anyone else dealt with this delayed weird residual anger from the DA? He like shakes when I speak to him and it's super off-putting. Made me realize I dodged a bullet. I'm just sick of minimizing myself for his comfort at work and refuse to do it anymore. Suggestions on how to handle this without being a totally inconsiderate asshole? Because I'm getting to that point lol
Don't mind his feelings at all. He is mad because he knows he was the monster and in error and can t take you are moving on. Again don't mind his feelings at all, even laugh in his face when you can. Remmember he didn't mind yours. If he can't be professionally consistent perhaps society is not for him and he should go living in a cave. Take heed of nothing when you interact with him. Just treat him like you would treat any other colleague. And if he gets unprofessional or unethical treat him like you would treat any unethical collegue. But if I were you I would have a little fun with it and play with his feelings (never anything romantical make sure you tell and show him he is not worth it) just by exhausting him emotionally.. when I would see him shaking then sticking around and pushing his buttons harder. He sounds like a selfish prick.
Honestly, as a woman, a man shaking and getting all spazzy just because I spoke to him would scare the hell out of me. Iâm a DA and Iâve never read this being something we do, nor have I experienced it. Thereâs something more going on there as is with all of us because weâre not only our attachment styles. I would too say you dodged a bullet, and I would also lean towards maintaining the no contact for your possible safety. Leave that man alone, he doesnât sound stable at all.
The comment above sounds crazy. Woman to woman, I assume you understand the fear of being in a situation with a man who youâre not certain of? When has it ever been a good idea to try to poke out a reaction? You could get hurt and HR wouldnât be able to do anything but fire him. Again, I say stay away from him. This situation gives me the ick. Safety first always. You donât need to understand him, we will leave this life not understanding many things and sometimes for very good reason.
How does it work when your DA husband is in an affair? Is the affair a copeing mechanism?
What if you donât have passions and dreams anymore? Where do you go from there?
accept, that its also ok not to be ok. the world doesnt have to be beautiful, even if all the self help gurus say it. there are things so deep and painful, that accompany you maybe for the rest of your life. dont compare to others. just accept, no one lives inside you and no one will ever understand
Why would i even give a shit what they feel?
Why did you bother to comment? You do care.
Is this the same for the fearful avoidant? Or, Idk. I still get those two things confused.
How do you know exactly which one you're dealing with?? đ€
One of your better talks.
In my situation there was infidelity on the side of the DA, any comments?
Question for u Thais, do avoidants ever realize they are actually hurting themselves in the long-run by pushing others away? I don't think anyone wants to be alone for the rest of their life right
You have to weigh your pros and cons. I've never once pushed someone away that was actually healthy. Another thing is that romantic relationships are truly not as important to some as they are to others. I have a big family, friends, people I network with, a business that I love running. I travel a lot, preferably by myself. I love having my kitties. My life is pretty cool. Why would you think we fear being alone?
I'm not Thais but I'm avoidant and I have an understanding that my central nervous system suffers from a lack of this "connection" thing that seems so popular among all you normies. However I remain quite sceptical because I have only managed to attract really sick people during my life and it's hard to imagine anyone could be trustworthy or sane enough to be a long term partner that would be better than my own self reliance. But the understanding is there that it's not sustainable and that my central nervous system has indeed suffered. I'm looking to evaluate my current friends to see who I could potentially be a bit more "open" with, as an experiment. I'm pretty successful through not having spent much time on romance, I'm doing very well at work and in my career field and just about to finish my Master's degree. I would have hoped to be fairly happy just on my own with cats but limerent fantasies and chronic anxiety are taking their toll.
I can't speak for all avoidants and I test secure now, but as someone who has predominantly lived life leaning avoidant, I find that people are too unpredictable to be focused on finding a partner. In my 44 years, I've dated 1 secure person and he left to be with his ex. So from what I've experienced, not even SA's are always safe to date. While I am open, I don't find dating to be important enough to seek out a partner. I never have. As for growing old without a significant other, that can happen anyway. People divorce, people die, people cheat and leave. I mean, nothing in life is permanent so why try and "lock in" a forever partner out of fear?
FYI, I wouldn't mind hearing Thais's take either.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes I don't mean just in a romantic relationship. Avoidants act pretty much the same with friends and family too, so do they realize pushing away em doesn't really achieve anything? Unless they are just satisfied with superficial stuff in which most of em are. I think they just avoid looking deep within themselves and try to rationalize their self-sabotaging behaviors and compensate in other areas
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes I guess u are a dismissive avoidant? Why deny urself the need for deep meaningful connections? Humans are all biologically wired for them, and u are not an exception to the rule. U can rationalize or compensate with other distractions, but ur real self still desires real connections with others
Interesting. As a DA I donât think Iâve went through a depressive episode in the long term of a break up, but immediately after. However, I do believe all of my break ups for good reason. Iâm a woman who doesnât want marriage, children and hell maybe not even living together. This means I run into a bunch of men who wouldnât be good for me or happy with me after a while, so I tend to cut things off. I feel sad a bit, but righteously lmao. However, it is stated that this depressive episode might come after a long term relationshipâŠI donât do those so maybe thatâs why I havenât experienced it.
This is why I don't understand people who put a lot of focus (or any) on AT in short term relationships(when attachment most likely isn't there yet). Both, when it comes to APs who will spend months psychoanalysing their short flings and DAs who say they couldn't care less about their ex (also probably a stranger who turned out to be unstable). You broke up because of incompatibility, like a secure would. There's nothing to be depressed about long term, there's no loss of attachment figure. It sucks but one moves on, like an adult. DA can break up for valid reasons, not because it's avoidance.
What a fulfilling life you are living. Did you ditch your parents too?
ââ@@ronmexico8383do you care to explain what's so triggering to you in that comment? In your world view they should be in a relationship with someone who isn't compatible with them and wants different things in life? Or you cannot imagine a fulfilling life without a romantic partner?
You think all your breakups were a good choice? How would you know otherwise? The very core of a dismissive avoidant is to sabotage relationships through a defense mechanism of deactivation which are distancing strategies. Since its subconscious and it's a defense strategy you have no clue if it was a good choice or not, you're responding by fear most likely.
@@nevadanitesall the excuses she made are defense mechanisms, I ask about dealbreakers on the first date, any man who wants children is a no because I have 2 already, no point in a second date, but to continue seeing a person then discarding them months later whilst saying all these reasons sound like defensive mechanisms imo
What about a DA having an affair after 39 years of marriage? Heâs back and forth with me and affair partner? Is there hope in saving our marriage?
Truth is DA's are hard to deal with. most of them dont come back because most of them cant get their shit together and change..they are mostly scared to be vulnerable and speak up..let alone most of them has huge traumas and egos about protecting themselves only. They wont listen to anyone but themselves. and even if they get back, its a hamster wheel of on and off. Unless the DA seeked professional help and have you in the care plan, and you guys seek prof help..then it could work out. but majority, wont.
Iâm an avoidant. Why donât I just date another avoidant so we understand each other and have our own relationship style instead of trying to fit into someone elseâs over needyness
It's the avoident at problem here, they can make even a healthy person needy! I was a Fa dating a FA and it did not work. Anyone with an attachment style problem needs therapy. Stop settling for less for yourselfs and others. Hurt people, hurt people..... not very attractive tbh
I prefer dating avoidants and I've always leaned avoidant. It doesn't last, but neither have the relationships I've had with FA's, AP's and even secure.
Iâd take a really long look at that comment and maybe think about yourself instead of playing the blame game
@@user-cf6mb6ke2i I already have looked at my own mistakes and that's why I'm happily single now đ no relationship is worth torment or risking you're mental health over. I will stay single until I do my own inner work and when ready, meet another who has done the work aswell đ
That's the problem with avoidants, someone genuinely shows care and love , you guys deem it as neediness, obsession and possessiveness. when its not all the time, the same case.
Sometimes I wish people would just shut the hell up. I feel very lonely.
What if theyâve moved on to someone new?
Curious about this too. If their "creature comforts" involve a new relationship quickly. Is that even effective or repeating a pattern they'll eventually recognize?
Some do that to numb how they feel then thatâs when they reach out to an ex while with someone else. Itâs messed up but a lot to do it. Bc they donât have to commit to either person but will try to have their cake
@@flagirl0315 wonder if that plays into the regret dynamic. Apparently regret happens but it takes a long time to finally analyze what happened in the relationship.
@@remydrh to some extent but I think itâs just bc of their unavailability. Fantasizing about the past and not committing to the present is a way of staying emotionally unavailable
@@remydrh once they take come back trust me it doesnât change. Even if it did itâs short lived. Been there done that many times and regretted it. Bc they fantasize about the past then come back and reality hits again and the cycle repeats. Iâd even argue many times worse than the first time.
My question is this. Why is it that everyone with a phone đ± and utube channel is a coach nowadays đđ đđ
Avoidants are not afraid of commitment, they were taught to be solitary.
Then why do they date? I abstained from dating for 11 years. That is what real solitary life is.
3-4 months? Yeah stay in your lane avoidants. Why should the rest of us wait on yâall while yâall show that yâall donât care
Great videos but please speak more slowly.đ
God how effing awful. Donât date them for stability then đ€Šđ»ââïž
What is the difference between this and borderline?
Is it "All borderlines are dismissive-avoidant but not all DA's are Borderline" kinda thing?
not necessarily, you can read the criteria for borderline, there are 10 specific traits that need to be present (or a majority of them) and pervasive, and you can have any insecure attachment style. I was actually a borderline FA
Most borderline are fearful avoidant, not dismissive. DAs don't have a strong anxious side and they are comfortable relying on themselves, BPD have a very strong anxious side and can't be on their own.
@@ileanaprofeanu7626 thank you for your input, I appreciate the clarification. It's been something I've been curious about.
Good luck in your healing
@@anzelaiv thanks :)
Rage, mostly.
Do you mean why they just poof disappear ?
The man I was seeing has his own business and has zero time for a relationship.
Once I opened my heart to him, then he is like ' I don't have time for a girlfriend' . Ouch ! I don't even think he realizes how hurtful that is! I realize I have to live in the moment and not in ' if only' or 'what ifs'?
This human thing is not easy đ«Łđ