Thank you Thais … I’ve never seen more consistent advice from anyone else. Helped me a great deal in understanding the people we have to deal with everyday. I’m single after a brutal discard from a covert/ grandiose narcissist but I survived and grew from the lessons I observed. Can you please post the link to your attachment style assessment … I am a working preoccupied that has come a long way…. Still a distance to go. Thank you 🙏🏼
I reached out to my DA around 3/4 months after our breakup..(I ended things because of their refusal to listen to my concerns & feelings) but I reached out to ask if they were open to meeting up to speak about what happened. They wouldn’t my answer question directly like a normal person would by saying yes or no. Instead They were quite defensive , asking me what was the point in doing so because the relationship had already broken down. I can only assume my ex- DA wanted me to beg on my knees for forgiveness . Which I would have done if I felt like I was in the wrong. My lesson is that there is no winning with a DA. No matter which angle you try to share your feelings with them they will pretty much hate you for it , yet you still walk away blaming yourself and wishing you tried another way to connect with them. Take your losses with DA…find another attachment type because these people will break your heart & spirit.
I know this concept of "no contact" is well-researched, and supposedly "works" for many people, but to me it just seems like manipulation. A close relative of mine is a dismissive avoidant, and any time someone has tried a "no contact" technique, all I can tell you is that's the end of that person in his life. You are correct, there is "no winning" with a DA because they will always go to default position, which is that they are fine by themselves, and they generally are on defensive about relationships anyway. There would be no understanding of why someone cut them off, other than to end the relationship. And i kind of agree.
@@number7195Hey, thanks for your response . To be honest I had no idea what the ''no contact rule'' was until after I stopped speaking with my ex-DA and ran to youtube to try and understand what the hell had just gone wrong between us. I didnt understand attachment types within romantic relationships, but I did understand the theory from my College days. I stopped communication with my ex-DA because they left me with zero choice but to walk away stone cold from our 2-year relationship . So by no means was I employing manipulation tactics. I had to walk away because they flat out refused to hear me out or even have a conversation on the phone about my concerns. I even explained to my ex that my concerns could be wrong , but that I still needed an important discussion with them to clarify those concerns. What DA's fail to understand is that their avoidance and refusal to hear other people out pushes those that love them the most, away. The actual reason/issues about my specific concerns that I wanted to discuss with my ex-DA would have been a very minor hiccup in a more normal relationship with a different attachment type. For more secure types it would have made the relationship stronger. However for my ex-DA it was a no-go area for discussions and they preferred to let go of our relationship because it was easier than talking about feelings and emotions I guess. At this point I just feel sorry for my ex-DA because we were also best friends. My DA also has the exact same issues with their friends and family, they refuse to communicate properly during conflict and they deal with it by cutting everyone off and pretending they are dead.
I am a quite secure person with anxious tendencies which of course can be triggered by someone like this. In my experience with a DA, it's been him different times to contact me to "solve" the problems. Some of them feel guilty, which is actually different from "in love". The first time I accepted, the second one I answered NO. If he wasn't interested in building something serious, I wouldn't have talked at all. Total waste of time. I don't know your dynamics but sometimes we truly have to stay away.
Why would you reach out to talk about a break up 4 months after the relationship ends? Please that is absolutely unhinged. APs cannot see that they are borderline psychotic sometimes… let people have peace and stop making them responsible for regulating your emotions 💀
@@neen9438 You can't lump all people together. It seems a lot of people do this...Sometimes the ppl you date are the ppl you date. Cheating doesn't mean someone is DA, narcs or antyhing else, it can just mean the person is cheating.
In my opinion, DAs are emotional wastelands and absolutely not worth the effort if they don't try to get help. I've been pretty secure in all my relationships. First time with a DA in my 30s and I became super anxious. I left after 5 months of being breadcrumbed and gaslighted. Met someone else who is very secure within 2.5 months and I am so mad at myself for wasting my time with such an empty person. I did no contact. It helped to break his hold over me. Any time I think of him now, I get the ick. 🤮
Absolutely correct. I just started dating after 30 year marriage, I had no idea what was going on with this woman, I got ghosted by grandma, lol. I understand now, found a great woman. Can't get blood out if a turnip, run don't walk away.
That's where I'm at, 5 years with one, I'm fairly confident I went from secure to extremely anxious. And now, 3 months post "i need space" breakup, which was her moving to her own apartment, I'm still getting breadcrumbed. I was the whole time, I remember one conversation even saying that directly, like, you're giving me just enough to hang on, and never more. I'd been in a long distance relationship for a few years prior to that one, and never had any problems with insecurity, but they made it very clear through actions and words, they were choosing me. But even in the 5 years with this person I'd never felt so alone, even being IN a relationship, where you'd "think" you're the least alone. It's wild. I found this channel and have been deep diving, she reached out and said she wanted to know what I was thinking, set up a date she no call/no showed for, and then a few days later got a breadcrumb so I sent her a handful of these videos, and said there ya go. I think you're spot on, absolutely not worth the effort or constant heartbreak if they can't be willing to change. So, we'll see, not holding my breath that's for sure. If she doesn't, I can guarantee I will NEVER be in another one of those dynamics.
Be glad it wasn't 12 years and with two children. Now I'm witnessing m children wasting their time trying to connect with the DA (douchebag alert) (Daddy Asshole)
I've been watching your videos for quite a while.. 3years maybe.. I admire your work.. And it helped me navigate my relationship with my DA for 5 years now.. My fault was tha I didn't focus on my own anxiety and I always blame her for being avoidant and unavailable.. So we've been through the vicious cycle of deactivating - clinging - stone walling - no contact.. etc Your videos helped me through the years to understand her feelings and actions and to feel great empathy and compassion for her.. I really thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope ppl try to work harder for their loved ones instead of letting go easily...
I hope the amount of effort you put into bettering the relationship is mirrored at least in part! I think you doing the work is awesome, but your latest remark is a bit enabling, I mean we shouldn't do anything for anyone that isn't our responsibility, even if we love them! Working on your relationship is great, but there should be a line drawn in the sand, and it isn't for anyone to judge where we draw it.
Me (FA) and my DA have been going through those cycles for a couple of years now. I used to be the way stonewalling, started working on myself and now he does it. So over it. Have y’all stopped the cycle?
@@bbrittanyy1no and I found out that he was on a dating site a week before he broke up with me, so he already mentally check out. I am still devastated.
After awhile, it’s like … why am I worrying about this DA person who is avoiding their feelings for me? There’s nothing in this for me. At a certain point, it’s no longer worth the roller-coaster ride.
I don't believe she even cared about me even though she said . I now believe I served a purpose for her,and that was all, otherwise she would not have walked away from me. It's been over a year now ,so I'm getting close to letting go. I know that must sound pathetic, but my heart really latched on to her for various reasons.
@cornwallismorgan874 hmm I just looked up trauma bond,thank you for your reply& kindness. 🙏🏼 That did help me to understand a little better. I don't understand why the lack of communication occurred in the situation,but your assessment sounds like a very good possibility.
Not pathetic at all... you probably gave the relationship everything you had. It crushes you. The lying and indifference after the hyper focused love bombing and all the I love yous -- the BIG puppy dog tears and begging you not to leave them. And then you learn that he had been cheating on you for the last 4 months while saying all of this and promising to give you "100% of him for the rest of the days of our lives, if you'll let me... PLEASE!!!! If you'll let me." They make no sense and crush you. Was he just lying? Why? Why???
@@JacobCarlson-uq1my Of course! I'm glad to have helped, even if a little bit. Communication breakdowns are common in trauma bonding because we don't understand why we're feeling a certain way. It's a very subconscious process.
DAs never *want* to heal; its the very fact that they don't think there's anything at all wrong with them, and they do think there is everything wrong with you. The best that you can hope for is a DA that decides to leave quick before they really fuck your whole life up. (no, i'm not jaded, not at all)
Agreed, I dated a DA and he brutally ended things with me after three month of him chasing me, as soon as I started really caring about him. He wasn't worth it. I regret opening to him, and feel shame for believing his words.
I would love to see a video on how DA's show up after they have done work and some healing. Do they still need large amounts of time away? Are they still uncomfortable with displays of affection? Are they able to voice their needs and feelings? Do they still deactivate? I've not really seen any information on this and I would love to know.
I reached out to my DA around 4 months after our breakup..(I ended things because of their refusal to listen to my concerns & feelings) but I reached out to ask if they were open to meeting up to speak about what happened. They wouldn’t my answer question directly like a normal person would by saying yes or no. Instead They were quite defensive , asking me what was the point in doing so because the relationship had already broken down. I can only assume my ex- DA wanted me to beg on my knees for forgiveness . Which I would have done if I felt like I was in the wrong. My lesson is that there is no winning with a DA. No matter which angle you try to share your feelings with them they will pretty much hate you for it , yet you still walk away blaming yourself and wishing you tried another way to connect with them. Take your losses with DA…find another attachment type because these people will break your heart & spirit.
@@TashenaStokes Thanks for the offer! Do you feel like you need to distance yourself after a time of being particularly close with someone / feeling vulnerable? Does it take a long time to come back? I am in no contact with my DA who would regularly go MIA after we started getting really close; and I think he is finally doing the work to heal some attachment stuff. So I’m curious what things will look like on the other side of the work.
For me, I don't need a lot of alone time if I'm around someone who accepts me for who I am, and if they aren't super dysregulated most of the time. I'm introverted, so part of my healing work consisted of identifying the difference between social fatigue and shutdown. I've never been uncomfortable with displays of affection (one of my love languages is physical touch), but I will not do things that are objectively inappropriate in public. But I will hug you, hold you, hold your hand, etc. I can also voice my needs and feelings, but I find that typically people are attracted to me because I'm a very regulated person. So the dark side of that is typically if I'm coregulating with someone, that's the role I'm expected to play and if I show emotion or need to coregulate, I'm not supported in that way. It's actually really crappy. With deactivating, I won't deactivate if you're in a genuine crisis, but overdramatic behavior causes an automatic shutdown. I have triggers that cause me to deactivate, but I don't let it affect my behavior if it's what I call a false positive. I am really good at de-escalation though, and I can calmly talk people through various crises. What I lack in on-demand emotional expression I make up for in calm and present support. I have turned it into a strength.
@@shellbell8062 so I have been on a healing journey for decades & I'm a Holistic Business Coach. Currently I'm in a "parallel" relationship with someone secure that leans DA & practicing slowly being more vulnerable. I have vulnerability hangovers but we don't talk often enough for me to ever want to shut down. The more secure & clear & accepted I feel with him the more I'm okay with opening up. In general now my initial reaction is DA I recognize it use tools for emotional regulation talk journal it out & push myself to do the right thing.
I am so glad I came across your videos. I thought I was in this twin flame relationship until I realized that the person I am talking about is just infatuated with me over things they liked and that they were this dismissive avoidant person and I am feeding that. I get this feeling that she is thinking about me constantly. Like I can sense it. She is female and I am old enough to be her mother. I didn't understand what was going on, but now I see that I am like a replacement mother. I hope I can help her become a better person and less of this dismissive avoidant type person.
Been in NC with ex-DA for 9 months. Extracting myself was excruciating. We’ve had run-ins but not spoken. Ran into him this week at the gym, and he acted friendly and “normal.” We had sorta bad blood, so I wasn’t having it and just acted confused... because I was. Kept working out. He later followed me to another part of the gym and approached me to say he was sorry. What is extremely puzzling is that he apologized for blocking me and breaking things off without explanation. What is mystifying is that I am the one who abruptly blocked HIM and walked away after waking up one day and being done with his shenanigans. We left it like this: I told him to stay away from me and to have a good life. I just keep trying to make sense of his rewriting of history. However, does making sense of it matter if my goal is to keep this person from worming their way back in???
My take: He's over it but when you reacted poorly to seeing him, he realized you were still hurt and apologized. He might not even remember who did what because it's so far in the past. He probably doesn't want to worm his way back into your life- to him, your display of emotion is likely to send him scurrying in the opposite direction.
The simple answer is no! It sounds like from the interaction that he might be gaslighting and manipulating - for what specific reason it’s hard to know. Therefore, I wouldn’t try to understand why is doing the things he is doing. Instead, I would maintain distance and strong boundaries, as well as rationalise the interaction as justification / evidence to support your decision and actions for breaking up with him and moving on. It sounds like it would have been a very difficult situation. You clearly have a lot of strength and courage to put yourself first and leave such situation. You should find comfort and confidence in knowing that 😊
They aren’t the best at taking accountability but I don’t always think they mean harm. They aren’t the vulnerable so that sounds like it attempt at making amends.
@@myduck27This is what I needed to hear. ❤ Thank you for this thoughtful and kind reply. I keep telling myself to keep my eyes forward and ahead. Indeed, I’m using this as confirmation that I’m not dealing with someone whose head is on entirely straight. I’m doing as you say - justification that I’ve done the right thing. It’s so hard to care about someone though and have to keep them out of your life for your own safekeeping. 😞Thank you again.
@@Mermaid03_03Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate it! It seemed sincere, and so I want to believe that he cared. Thank you again. ❤
Surprise. Nothing. They allready had another one before they dismissed you. Coldhearted creeps. Claim to have empathy. Nah just covert narcs... Stay away from the emotional crippled ones. They will drag you to their hell.
Same case here. She left with another guy a few weeks after she broke and changed the way she dressed, spoke and everything. I began to forgive her and myself because i don't want to live in anger, it's really working. I'll pay more attention to red flags next times, DA never again!
Thank you for this 💋 Please share for all attachments- when should no contact end? Does it ever need to end? How do we know when/ if we should ever talk to our ex again?
Do you think DA's are able to get over the feeling of being uncomfortable around you post break up? Like when you still have to live together but they decide to go full ghost mode because they decided that you make them feel uncomfortable and "nothing is going to change that for them"
That awkward moment when you (the FA) initiated no contact bc you were vulnerable with them and communicated something in a way which insinuated that they were weak ( I told him I wished he could see how much I respect him and that he doesn’t have to feel weird about having feelings for me bc I would never “hurt” him) only to pull back bc not only did you say something that prob made him feel emotions he didn’t want to feel but you’re also embarrassed for being so vulnerable bc you get triggered by sharing your feelings prematurely. Now I don’t know who should break no contact and I anxiously wait 😢😂
My wife was always a avoidant/introvert. After our separation. I thought she checked the blocks for a dismissive avoidant. We work together for 23 years with three children, and I found another channel which basically said because of that she couldn’t be a dismissive avoidant. One of my friends suggested she is a combination DA and anxious, preoccupied more I read and watch the more I become confused
I’m an FA and he’s DA. We have a cycle and it’s usually at the 4-6 week mark where one of us reaches out. The longest it’s been was 2 months. It’s not easy because of the connection…Going on 2 years of this now and I’m over it. Two weeks since he last stonewalled. He reached out last night of course.
I am in a similar situation have been with my partner for 6 months roughly and we’ve broken up so many times it’s in double digits. She’s definitively a dismissive avoidant she’s come back everytime but promised me things would be different and that she would stick to boundaries only to go and go against them numerous times. This time she says life with me is stress free and that she loves me but doesn’t feel in love with me as much this hurt a lot but I know she’s probably only said these things to hurt me currently in her life she’s prioritising her friends. That’s it. What should I do she still shares her location with me and hasn’t removed me from social media or blocked me. It’s just hard. We argued so much and things got toxic and she’s insistent on the fact that nothing will ever change that’s why she’s not coming back.
@@PrinceSilk-tw2qf it’s so tough but I’d just let it go atp. Not sure how long it’s been since y’all last talked but they tend to come back around. It’s too toxic and the rollercoaster just isn’t worth it honestly.
Can you compare the DA vs FA side-by-side in no contact situations? Are there tendencies toward certain reactions & coping strategies that tend to differentiate between the two? Or are DAs & FAs so similar that _fundamentally_ DAs just 'shut down' more fully than FAs?
I tested FA, and can say from my side that I dislike no contact, because I believe in talking things trough. However, I will stop communicating if the discussion becomes abusive or gets nowhere (like things talked thousand times before). If I am on the receiving end of no contact, 1st I feel puzzled, like what? 2nd I will go like so that's it? good riddance! (exactly like Thais said, phase of relief), but next, after suppressing feelings, they come and bottle up. From here it depends. If I had a good relationship, I'll start to miss the great things, but if there was more bad or just nothing to hold on to, I'll get even more distanced from that person and experience (chances of me contacting back will be close to zero). But yes, I would shutdown, especially if I was stonewalled or ghosted, I will tend to cope with all sorts of activities that keep the attention busy. Thais is right, we don't get to socialize with all the people right away, if the no contact is about a relationship, we have a few people to talk about it, and we might have a hard time opening up about it. FA's hate to be vulnerable or show as weak, so we'll try to contain the "damage" as much as possible. I can't say for DA's how it works, I only see they shutdown more often and create this bubble of theirs, where they try to postpone dealing with emotions as long as possible. Sometimes they do manage quite well, and thus they look as heartless. But if you learn about their core wounds, they are to be pitied rather than demonized.
Can DAs have anxious tendencies? You said before that the drunk text/call is quite common but I’d like to know what drives this and when is a DA that desperate, and how do they get to that stage when they reach out. Because we know that most of the time they just move on from the relationship.
Just like anyone else, alcohol lowers inhibitions for DAs. They're less able to keep up walls, for better or worse. I'm a DA and typically have issues with physical contact but after a few drinks, I'm extremely physically affectionate.
@@misschanandelerbong7946 oh I didn’t know that, thank you for sharing. I don’t know too many DAs in person but as an AP myself it’s very interesting to me to get insights into what’s going on with DAs on the other end
Everyone is a combo. I originally was DA/Secure + a smidgen FA. Extremely avoidant behavior could activate me occasionally. I'm also an extrovert that thrives on connection with people. So drunk testing when lonely is an issue I have. And yes alcohol lowers all inhibitions. You have to remember DAs have wounds just like APs. APs eliminate them by activating expecting a positive response. Avoidants eliminate it by deactivating removing the source of pain. In both cases pain is there.
So when my ex DA broke up with me & monkey branched back to his previous ex, is it prologing his grief for me? He was with me longer than her and we were talking marriage. Its been 7 months since the breakup and hes still with her but we are in grey rock because of shared financial issues.
Mine ghosted me 6 weeks ago and we have been together for 8 years . I wish I knew all this info back then. Run away now as fast as you can from a DA . They will ruin you .
I'm not an expert but I can talk from experience that they do seem to go through that a little. A D.A can be really cold towards one person while being open to another, however obviously it won't be the same as a D.A experiencing extreme isolation.
The DA is the attachment type who will most likely not reach out at all. Not saying that they wont, but again they are least unlikely to reach out. Thais has said this a few times on her videos in the past.
I really don’t think so… DAs have a lot of stored bad associations with showing up vulnerable and connecting with people so they rather try to process everything internally and even if they suffer inside it’s still more comforting them than reaching out and risking being hurt by someone else. APs have a bigger need for connection from others and if they don’t reach out it’s usually the end of the relationship
I can tell you from experience yes mine did after 6 months we were on and off and then I got fed up with the mix signals and I completely walked away from the man I truly loved. Yes do the work and they will start to miss you.kennith Craig said indirect direct direct and that's how mine started.
I think then it really depends on who ended the relationship. In my situation the DA blocked me and that’s it ever since. It’s been 2 months now and tho I know she miss me, I don’t think it will progress any further
I reach out to my DX ex after 6 weeks of no contact. She only responded to the first 2 messages and they were short and cold. Did I reach out too early?
In my opinion no time is ever the right time with a DA if I'm honest. You could have waited and reached out at 12 weeks instead and got the same short and cold response. And then you'd start wishing and regretting that you chose not to reach out at 6 weeks. Its a mind-fck . There is no winning with a DA.
What do you do if your DA ex does things like send songs with “meaningful lyrics” and says things like “I hope you had a great week!” I’m not initiating contact but a couple times a week she’ll do something like that. At first I responded honestly (that I was hurt and missing her), but that quickly shut her down. So now I’m polite but limited, or try to shift the focus to HER week. It was a nine year relationship and I’m devastated, but I’ve been leaning heavily on friends and family for emotional support. I’ve learned so much… like giving space feels like love to her, and I’d love to reconnect, but not sure how to stay No Contact if she keeps contacting me. Do I just tell her to stop? I know she thinks she’s not “good enough” for me, so I’m afraid if I do that she’ll just disappear forever.
@@_bluephoenix_ Yes, breadcrumbing me. It finally clicked shortly after I posted the above and I’m happy to report I’ve walked away and started dating again (because REBOUND! haha). The woman I’ve just started seeing now is also AP and it’s SOO NICE to be able to understand her, and to feel understood by her.
I’ve been in NC for about 11 months with what I believe is an avoidant (but I’m not sure which kind). Considering long distance and him being distracted by grad-school, could he still be having some feelings?
Is this lady the champion for fear full avoidance,all she does is justified there bullshit. These people are dangerous, and harmful, but she never says anything negative about these monsters
Let us know what you think of today's video. Comment below!
Thank you Thais … I’ve never seen more consistent advice from anyone else. Helped me a great deal in understanding the people we have to deal with everyday.
I’m single after a brutal discard from a covert/ grandiose narcissist but I survived and grew from the lessons I observed.
Can you please post the link to your attachment style assessment … I am a working preoccupied that has come a long way…. Still a distance to go. Thank you 🙏🏼
I reached out to my DA around 3/4 months after our breakup..(I ended things because of their refusal to listen to my concerns & feelings) but I reached out to ask if they were open to meeting up to speak about what happened. They wouldn’t my answer question directly like a normal person would by saying yes or no. Instead They were quite defensive , asking me what was the point in doing so because the relationship had already broken down. I can only assume my ex- DA wanted me to beg on my knees for forgiveness . Which I would have done if I felt like I was in the wrong. My lesson is that there is no winning with a DA. No matter which angle you try to share your feelings with them they will pretty much hate you for it , yet you still walk away blaming yourself and wishing you tried another way to connect with them. Take your losses with DA…find another attachment type because these people will break your heart & spirit.
I know this concept of "no contact" is well-researched, and supposedly "works" for many people, but to me it just seems like manipulation. A close relative of mine is a dismissive avoidant, and any time someone has tried a "no contact" technique, all I can tell you is that's the end of that person in his life. You are correct, there is "no winning" with a DA because they will always go to default position, which is that they are fine by themselves, and they generally are on defensive about relationships anyway. There would be no understanding of why someone cut them off, other than to end the relationship. And i kind of agree.
@@number7195Hey, thanks for your response . To be honest I had no idea what the ''no contact rule'' was until after I stopped speaking with my ex-DA and ran to youtube to try and understand what the hell had just gone wrong between us. I didnt understand attachment types within romantic relationships, but I did understand the theory from my College days. I stopped communication with my ex-DA because they left me with zero choice but to walk away stone cold from our 2-year relationship . So by no means was I employing manipulation tactics. I had to walk away because they flat out refused to hear me out or even have a conversation on the phone about my concerns. I even explained to my ex that my concerns could be wrong , but that I still needed an important discussion with them to clarify those concerns. What DA's fail to understand is that their avoidance and refusal to hear other people out pushes those that love them the most, away. The actual reason/issues about my specific concerns that I wanted to discuss with my ex-DA would have been a very minor hiccup in a more normal relationship with a different attachment type. For more secure types it would have made the relationship stronger. However for my ex-DA it was a no-go area for discussions and they preferred to let go of our relationship because it was easier than talking about feelings and emotions I guess. At this point I just feel sorry for my ex-DA because we were also best friends. My DA also has the exact same issues with their friends and family, they refuse to communicate properly during conflict and they deal with it by cutting everyone off and pretending they are dead.
I am a quite secure person with anxious tendencies which of course can be triggered by someone like this. In my experience with a DA, it's been him different times to contact me to "solve" the problems. Some of them feel guilty, which is actually different from "in love". The first time I accepted, the second one I answered NO. If he wasn't interested in building something serious, I wouldn't have talked at all. Total waste of time. I don't know your dynamics but sometimes we truly have to stay away.
Why would you reach out to talk about a break up 4 months after the relationship ends? Please that is absolutely unhinged. APs cannot see that they are borderline psychotic sometimes… let people have peace and stop making them responsible for regulating your emotions 💀
@@recklessmermaid to honour the love that was there. That’s why I would reach out.
The breakup doesn't give them space from the thing causing them pain. It gives them space from the thing THEY PERCEIVE as causing them pain.
Thank you so much. This clarification is much needed.
Their needing space is just to fool around with others.
They use something about you as an excuse.
Very true
@@neen9438 You can't lump all people together. It seems a lot of people do this...Sometimes the ppl you date are the ppl you date. Cheating doesn't mean someone is DA, narcs or antyhing else, it can just mean the person is cheating.
In my opinion, DAs are emotional wastelands and absolutely not worth the effort if they don't try to get help. I've been pretty secure in all my relationships. First time with a DA in my 30s and I became super anxious. I left after 5 months of being breadcrumbed and gaslighted. Met someone else who is very secure within 2.5 months and I am so mad at myself for wasting my time with such an empty person. I did no contact. It helped to break his hold over me. Any time I think of him now, I get the ick. 🤮
"emotional wastelands"-I absolutely agree with You. regards.
Absolutely correct. I just started dating after 30 year marriage, I had no idea what was going on with this woman, I got ghosted by grandma, lol. I understand now, found a great woman. Can't get blood out if a turnip, run don't walk away.
That's where I'm at, 5 years with one, I'm fairly confident I went from secure to extremely anxious.
And now, 3 months post "i need space" breakup, which was her moving to her own apartment, I'm still getting breadcrumbed. I was the whole time, I remember one conversation even saying that directly, like, you're giving me just enough to hang on, and never more.
I'd been in a long distance relationship for a few years prior to that one, and never had any problems with insecurity, but they made it very clear through actions and words, they were choosing me.
But even in the 5 years with this person I'd never felt so alone, even being IN a relationship, where you'd "think" you're the least alone. It's wild.
I found this channel and have been deep diving, she reached out and said she wanted to know what I was thinking, set up a date she no call/no showed for, and then a few days later got a breadcrumb so I sent her a handful of these videos, and said there ya go.
I think you're spot on, absolutely not worth the effort or constant heartbreak if they can't be willing to change. So, we'll see, not holding my breath that's for sure. If she doesn't, I can guarantee I will NEVER be in another one of those dynamics.
Be glad it wasn't 12 years and with two children. Now I'm witnessing m children wasting their time trying to connect with the DA (douchebag alert) (Daddy Asshole)
I've been watching your videos for quite a while.. 3years maybe..
I admire your work.. And it helped me navigate my relationship with my DA for 5 years now..
My fault was tha I didn't focus on my own anxiety and I always blame her for being avoidant and unavailable.. So we've been through the vicious cycle of deactivating - clinging - stone walling - no contact.. etc
Your videos helped me through the years to understand her feelings and actions and to feel great empathy and compassion for her..
I really thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope ppl try to work harder for their loved ones instead of letting go easily...
I hope the amount of effort you put into bettering the relationship is mirrored at least in part! I think you doing the work is awesome, but your latest remark is a bit enabling, I mean we shouldn't do anything for anyone that isn't our responsibility, even if we love them! Working on your relationship is great, but there should be a line drawn in the sand, and it isn't for anyone to judge where we draw it.
Me (FA) and my DA have been going through those cycles for a couple of years now. I used to be the way stonewalling, started working on myself and now he does it. So over it. Have y’all stopped the cycle?
Been in no contact with a DA who broke things off 3 months ago so this is very helpful. I just pray for his heart. 🙏 ❤
How are things going? Did they come back ?
@@bbrittanyy1no and I found out that he was on a dating site a week before he broke up with me, so he already mentally check out. I am still devastated.
Praying wont help
they have no heart 😂
After awhile, it’s like … why am I worrying about this DA person who is avoiding their feelings for me? There’s nothing in this for me. At a certain point, it’s no longer worth the roller-coaster ride.
I don't believe she even cared about me even though she said .
I now believe I served a purpose for her,and that was all, otherwise she would not have walked away from me.
It's been over a year now ,so I'm getting close to letting go.
I know that must sound pathetic, but my heart really latched on to her for various reasons.
Not pathetic at all. Trauma bonds are no joke. I'm glad you're healing and making progress!
@cornwallismorgan874 hmm
I just looked up trauma bond,thank you for your reply& kindness. 🙏🏼
That did help me to understand a little better.
I don't understand why the lack of communication occurred in the situation,but your assessment sounds like a very good possibility.
I understand 100%. Going through it myself. It will come in time.
Not pathetic at all... you probably gave the relationship everything you had. It crushes you. The lying and indifference after the hyper focused love bombing and all the I love yous -- the BIG puppy dog tears and begging you not to leave them. And then you learn that he had been cheating on you for the last 4 months while saying all of this and promising to give you "100% of him for the rest of the days of our lives, if you'll let me... PLEASE!!!! If you'll let me." They make no sense and crush you. Was he just lying? Why? Why???
@@JacobCarlson-uq1my Of course! I'm glad to have helped, even if a little bit. Communication breakdowns are common in trauma bonding because we don't understand why we're feeling a certain way. It's a very subconscious process.
Wisdom is recognized opportunity acted on, grief is unrecognized opportunity not acted on.
"Wisdom comes with grief."
great quote! Thought of it yourself, or have a source?
DAs never *want* to heal; its the very fact that they don't think there's anything at all wrong with them, and they do think there is everything wrong with you. The best that you can hope for is a DA that decides to leave quick before they really fuck your whole life up. (no, i'm not jaded, not at all)
This but she is my collegue. So it is very uncomfortable.
Agreed, I dated a DA and he brutally ended things with me after three month of him chasing me, as soon as I started really caring about him. He wasn't worth it. I regret opening to him, and feel shame for believing his words.
I would love to see a video on how DA's show up after they have done work and some healing. Do they still need large amounts of time away? Are they still uncomfortable with displays of affection? Are they able to voice their needs and feelings? Do they still deactivate? I've not really seen any information on this and I would love to know.
I reached out to my DA around 4 months after our breakup..(I ended things because of their refusal to listen to my concerns & feelings) but I reached out to ask if they were open to meeting up to speak about what happened. They wouldn’t my answer question directly like a normal person would by saying yes or no. Instead They were quite defensive , asking me what was the point in doing so because the relationship had already broken down. I can only assume my ex- DA wanted me to beg on my knees for forgiveness . Which I would have done if I felt like I was in the wrong. My lesson is that there is no winning with a DA. No matter which angle you try to share your feelings with them they will pretty much hate you for it , yet you still walk away blaming yourself and wishing you tried another way to connect with them. Take your losses with DA…find another attachment type because these people will break your heart & spirit.
@@TashenaStokes Thanks for the offer! Do you feel like you need to distance yourself after a time of being particularly close with someone / feeling vulnerable? Does it take a long time to come back? I am in no contact with my DA who would regularly go MIA after we started getting really close; and I think he is finally doing the work to heal some attachment stuff. So I’m curious what things will look like on the other side of the work.
For me, I don't need a lot of alone time if I'm around someone who accepts me for who I am, and if they aren't super dysregulated most of the time. I'm introverted, so part of my healing work consisted of identifying the difference between social fatigue and shutdown.
I've never been uncomfortable with displays of affection (one of my love languages is physical touch), but I will not do things that are objectively inappropriate in public. But I will hug you, hold you, hold your hand, etc.
I can also voice my needs and feelings, but I find that typically people are attracted to me because I'm a very regulated person. So the dark side of that is typically if I'm coregulating with someone, that's the role I'm expected to play and if I show emotion or need to coregulate, I'm not supported in that way. It's actually really crappy.
With deactivating, I won't deactivate if you're in a genuine crisis, but overdramatic behavior causes an automatic shutdown. I have triggers that cause me to deactivate, but I don't let it affect my behavior if it's what I call a false positive. I am really good at de-escalation though, and I can calmly talk people through various crises. What I lack in on-demand emotional expression I make up for in calm and present support. I have turned it into a strength.
@@shellbell8062 so I have been on a healing journey for decades & I'm a Holistic Business Coach. Currently I'm in a "parallel" relationship with someone secure that leans DA & practicing slowly being more vulnerable. I have vulnerability hangovers but we don't talk often enough for me to ever want to shut down. The more secure & clear & accepted I feel with him the more I'm okay with opening up. In general now my initial reaction is DA I recognize it use tools for emotional regulation talk journal it out & push myself to do the right thing.
The question though was what happens when they (like me) test as secure. So not sure how this helped to answer that question.
I am so glad I came across your videos. I thought I was in this twin flame relationship until I realized that the person I am talking about is just infatuated with me over things they liked and that they were this dismissive avoidant person and I am feeding that. I get this feeling that she is thinking about me constantly. Like I can sense it. She is female and I am old enough to be her mother. I didn't understand what was going on, but now I see that I am like a replacement mother. I hope I can help her become a better person and less of this dismissive avoidant type person.
Been in NC with ex-DA for 9 months. Extracting myself was excruciating. We’ve had run-ins but not spoken. Ran into him this week at the gym, and he acted friendly and “normal.” We had sorta bad blood, so I wasn’t having it and just acted confused... because I was. Kept working out. He later followed me to another part of the gym and approached me to say he was sorry. What is extremely puzzling is that he apologized for blocking me and breaking things off without explanation. What is mystifying is that I am the one who abruptly blocked HIM and walked away after waking up one day and being done with his shenanigans. We left it like this: I told him to stay away from me and to have a good life. I just keep trying to make sense of his rewriting of history. However, does making sense of it matter if my goal is to keep this person from worming their way back in???
My take: He's over it but when you reacted poorly to seeing him, he realized you were still hurt and apologized. He might not even remember who did what because it's so far in the past. He probably doesn't want to worm his way back into your life- to him, your display of emotion is likely to send him scurrying in the opposite direction.
The simple answer is no!
It sounds like from the interaction that he might be gaslighting and manipulating - for what specific reason it’s hard to know. Therefore, I wouldn’t try to understand why is doing the things he is doing. Instead, I would maintain distance and strong boundaries, as well as rationalise the interaction as justification / evidence to support your decision and actions for breaking up with him and moving on.
It sounds like it would have been a very difficult situation. You clearly have a lot of strength and courage to put yourself first and leave such situation. You should find comfort and confidence in knowing that 😊
They aren’t the best at taking accountability but I don’t always think they mean harm. They aren’t the vulnerable so that sounds like it attempt at making amends.
@@myduck27This is what I needed to hear. ❤ Thank you for this thoughtful and kind reply. I keep telling myself to keep my eyes forward and ahead. Indeed, I’m using this as confirmation that I’m not dealing with someone whose head is on entirely straight. I’m doing as you say - justification that I’ve done the right thing. It’s so hard to care about someone though and have to keep them out of your life for your own safekeeping. 😞Thank you again.
@@Mermaid03_03Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate it! It seemed sincere, and so I want to believe that he cared. Thank you again. ❤
Surprise. Nothing. They allready had another one before they dismissed you.
Coldhearted creeps.
Claim to have empathy.
Nah just covert narcs...
Stay away from the emotional crippled ones.
They will drag you to their hell.
Same case here. She left with another guy a few weeks after she broke and changed the way she dressed, spoke and everything. I began to forgive her and myself because i don't want to live in anger, it's really working. I'll pay more attention to red flags next times, DA never again!
Can you explain why DAs cheat claiming to love you.
Because they’re selfish.. and don’t understand emotions.. to them, it’s a transactional exchange… no emotions which they’re good at and know
@@erichminkle1167💯
Thank you for this 💋
Please share for all attachments- when should no contact end? Does it ever need to end? How do we know when/ if we should ever talk to our ex again?
Yea they never answer questions. There was no indication here if NC works - namely, the DA reaches out to u.
I didn’t know I was DA, I feel so lost. I also have ADHD and thought I was idolizing my partners. I need so much help
Watch more about relationships ideas and tips for you. I been watching many about DA and getting good at this.
Meaning healthy relationship. Got this.
Do you think DA's are able to get over the feeling of being uncomfortable around you post break up? Like when you still have to live together but they decide to go full ghost mode because they decided that you make them feel uncomfortable and "nothing is going to change that for them"
That awkward moment when you (the FA) initiated no contact bc you were vulnerable with them and communicated something in a way which insinuated that they were weak ( I told him I wished he could see how much I respect him and that he doesn’t have to feel weird about having feelings for me bc I would never “hurt” him) only to pull back bc not only did you say something that prob made him feel emotions he didn’t want to feel but you’re also embarrassed for being so vulnerable bc you get triggered by sharing your feelings prematurely.
Now I don’t know who should break no contact and I anxiously wait 😢😂
Oof, same!
My wife was always a avoidant/introvert. After our separation. I thought she checked the blocks for a dismissive avoidant. We work together for 23 years with three children, and I found another channel which basically said because of that she couldn’t be a dismissive avoidant. One of my friends suggested she is a combination DA and anxious, preoccupied more I read and watch the more I become confused
I’m an FA and he’s DA. We have a cycle and it’s usually at the 4-6 week mark where one of us reaches out. The longest it’s been was 2 months. It’s not easy because of the connection…Going on 2 years of this now and I’m over it. Two weeks since he last stonewalled. He reached out last night of course.
I am in a similar situation have been with my partner for 6 months roughly and we’ve broken up so many times it’s in double digits. She’s definitively a dismissive avoidant she’s come back everytime but promised me things would be different and that she would stick to boundaries only to go and go against them numerous times. This time she says life with me is stress free and that she loves me but doesn’t feel in love with me as much this hurt a lot but I know she’s probably only said these things to hurt me currently in her life she’s prioritising her friends. That’s it. What should I do she still shares her location with me and hasn’t removed me from social media or blocked me. It’s just hard. We argued so much and things got toxic and she’s insistent on the fact that nothing will ever change that’s why she’s not coming back.
@@PrinceSilk-tw2qf it’s so tough but I’d just let it go atp. Not sure how long it’s been since y’all last talked but they tend to come back around. It’s too toxic and the rollercoaster just isn’t worth it honestly.
Im a DA and i have never return. I left for a reason
Can you compare the DA vs FA side-by-side in no contact situations? Are there tendencies toward certain reactions & coping strategies that tend to differentiate between the two?
Or are DAs & FAs so similar that _fundamentally_ DAs just 'shut down' more fully than FAs?
+1 I’d find this really helpful too. I’m a little confused between the differences
I tested FA, and can say from my side that I dislike no contact, because I believe in talking things trough. However, I will stop communicating if the discussion becomes abusive or gets nowhere (like things talked thousand times before). If I am on the receiving end of no contact, 1st I feel puzzled, like what? 2nd I will go like so that's it? good riddance! (exactly like Thais said, phase of relief), but next, after suppressing feelings, they come and bottle up. From here it depends. If I had a good relationship, I'll start to miss the great things, but if there was more bad or just nothing to hold on to, I'll get even more distanced from that person and experience (chances of me contacting back will be close to zero). But yes, I would shutdown, especially if I was stonewalled or ghosted, I will tend to cope with all sorts of activities that keep the attention busy. Thais is right, we don't get to socialize with all the people right away, if the no contact is about a relationship, we have a few people to talk about it, and we might have a hard time opening up about it. FA's hate to be vulnerable or show as weak, so we'll try to contain the "damage" as much as possible. I can't say for DA's how it works, I only see they shutdown more often and create this bubble of theirs, where they try to postpone dealing with emotions as long as possible. Sometimes they do manage quite well, and thus they look as heartless. But if you learn about their core wounds, they are to be pitied rather than demonized.
Hey Thais amazing video !!!
May you please tell us the estimate timelines for each stages ?
Can DAs have anxious tendencies? You said before that the drunk text/call is quite common but I’d like to know what drives this and when is a DA that desperate, and how do they get to that stage when they reach out. Because we know that most of the time they just move on from the relationship.
Just like anyone else, alcohol lowers inhibitions for DAs. They're less able to keep up walls, for better or worse. I'm a DA and typically have issues with physical contact but after a few drinks, I'm extremely physically affectionate.
@@misschanandelerbong7946 oh I didn’t know that, thank you for sharing. I don’t know too many DAs in person but as an AP myself it’s very interesting to me to get insights into what’s going on with DAs on the other end
Everyone is a combo. I originally was DA/Secure + a smidgen FA. Extremely avoidant behavior could activate me occasionally. I'm also an extrovert that thrives on connection with people. So drunk testing when lonely is an issue I have. And yes alcohol lowers all inhibitions. You have to remember DAs have wounds just like APs. APs eliminate them by activating expecting a positive response. Avoidants eliminate it by deactivating removing the source of pain. In both cases pain is there.
What if the DA is your wife and you’ve never lived together?
So when my ex DA broke up with me & monkey branched back to his previous ex, is it prologing his grief for me? He was with me longer than her and we were talking marriage. Its been 7 months since the breakup and hes still with her but we are in grey rock because of shared financial issues.
What does it mean when they dumped me and then restricted me on social media but don’t have me blocked?
How long can each of these stages last for a hardcore dismissive avoidant?
Mine ghosted me 6 weeks ago and we have been together for 8 years .
I wish I knew all this info back then.
Run away now as fast as you can from a DA . They will ruin you .
Long time for some (years)
@@walkertranger5746 What happened?
If I do the quiz and submit my email address for the report, does that also mean that I can count on a bunch of marketing emails that I don't want?
Do they still go through this about you if they are seeing someone else very soon after you broke up?
I'm not an expert but I can talk from experience that they do seem to go through that a little. A D.A can be really cold towards one person while being open to another, however obviously it won't be the same as a D.A experiencing extreme isolation.
This channel seems to really focus on DAs
Doesnt seem like its affecting my Avoidance GF 😂 As im always the one chasing when im finally unblocked..
They probably feel a little relieve
Relieved?
This is really interesting Thais. Would you say a DA is more likely to reach out during no contact than an AP then?
The DA is the attachment type who will most likely not reach out at all. Not saying that they wont, but again they are least unlikely to reach out. Thais has said this a few times on her videos in the past.
I really don’t think so… DAs have a lot of stored bad associations with showing up vulnerable and connecting with people so they rather try to process everything internally and even if they suffer inside it’s still more comforting them than reaching out and risking being hurt by someone else. APs have a bigger need for connection from others and if they don’t reach out it’s usually the end of the relationship
I can tell you from experience yes mine did after 6 months we were on and off and then I got fed up with the mix signals and I completely walked away from the man I truly loved. Yes do the work and they will start to miss you.kennith Craig said indirect direct direct and that's how mine started.
I think then it really depends on who ended the relationship. In my situation the DA blocked me and that’s it ever since. It’s been 2 months now and tho I know she miss me, I don’t think it will progress any further
@@sheliasmith2884what is indirect direct direct please?
Is it possible to do no contact if you have kids with a DA and share 50/50 custody?
Greyrocking is probably a better option in that scenario.
Yes, use a third party for all contact
I reach out to my DX ex after 6 weeks of no contact. She only responded to the first 2 messages and they were short and cold. Did I reach out too early?
In my opinion no time is ever the right time with a DA if I'm honest. You could have waited and reached out at 12 weeks instead and got the same short and cold response. And then you'd start wishing and regretting that you chose not to reach out at 6 weeks. Its a mind-fck . There is no winning with a DA.
No, you reached out the wrong person
What do you do if your DA ex does things like send songs with “meaningful lyrics” and says things like “I hope you had a great week!”
I’m not initiating contact but a couple times a week she’ll do something like that. At first I responded honestly (that I was hurt and missing her), but that quickly shut her down. So now I’m polite but limited, or try to shift the focus to HER week.
It was a nine year relationship and I’m devastated, but I’ve been leaning heavily on friends and family for emotional support. I’ve learned so much… like giving space feels like love to her, and I’d love to reconnect, but not sure how to stay No Contact if she keeps contacting me. Do I just tell her to stop? I know she thinks she’s not “good enough” for me, so I’m afraid if I do that she’ll just disappear forever.
This sound more like narcissistic hoovering. Seeing if you will take the bait and relent.
Don't do it! Move on.
@@_bluephoenix_ Yes, breadcrumbing me. It finally clicked shortly after I posted the above and I’m happy to report I’ve walked away and started dating again (because REBOUND! haha).
The woman I’ve just started seeing now is also AP and it’s SOO NICE to be able to understand her, and to feel understood by her.
I’ve been in NC for about 11 months with what I believe is an avoidant (but I’m not sure which kind). Considering long distance and him being distracted by grad-school, could he still be having some feelings?
Move on ❤
@@talsnir6615if I could, I wouldn’t be here watching these videos
This said nothing about whether they contact u!!! 🤦♀️
Is this lady the champion for fear full avoidance,all she does is justified there bullshit. These people are dangerous, and harmful, but she never says anything negative about these monsters
Why do you female therapists have to be so beautiful? (I suffer from serial limerence 🙂)
Focus