Why You MUST Build Secure Attachment As A Couple
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- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
- Have you ever wondered why your relationships struggle? This can be due to a lack of secure attachment. In this video, you will learn all about secure attachment and how to achieve it for the health of your relationships.
Today Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist, explains the challenges of romantic relationships, particularly focusing on the prevalence of attachment issues. Did you know that studies show about 50% of adult Americans struggle to bond in romantic relationships? And for younger generations, this rate is even higher, with potentially two-thirds facing attachment challenges.
Adam, drawing from his extensive experience as a licensed marriage and family therapist, explains how attachment issues often underlie many relationship problems. His unique approach centers on attachment theory, which posits that our early experiences shape our ability to connect and feel loved.
He breaks down the core issues faced by anxiously attached and avoidant individuals, highlighting their fears, behaviors, and communication patterns. Adam emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, better communication strategies, emotional regulation, and positive reinforcement in overcoming these challenges.
But perhaps the most crucial step in healing is vulnerability. Adam encourages couples to open up to each other, share their fears, and work together towards building a more secure and fulfilling relationship.
If you're struggling with anxious and avoidant dynamics in your relationship, don't despair. Adam offers various resources to support you on your journey, from personalized coaching sessions to his Attachment Boot Camp video course.
Take the first step towards a happier, more connected relationship today. Join Adam Lane Smith as he guides you through the path to healing and growth. Share this video with your partner and start the conversation that could transform your relationship.
Don't let attachment issues sabotage your love. Watch the video, engage with the content, and reach out for support. Together, you can build a relationship that withstands the test of time.
If you enjoyed this video on attachment love then I would recommend you watch this other video: • Revive Your Romance Ov...
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
www.amazon.com/dp/B07S33YGJZ
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - Struggling to Bond in Romantic Relationships
00:03:32 - Building a Loving Relationship
00:07:01 - Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles
00:10:22 - Join the Attachment Circle Mentorship Program
00:13:44 - The Importance of Secure Attachment in Relationships
00:17:19 - The Frustration Cycle in Relationships
00:21:00 - Building Fair Solutions in Communication
00:24:35 - Managing Attachment Issues
00:28:20 - Praise and Reinforcement in Relationships
00:32:03 - Welcome to the Channel
Things are going so well in my relationship because I’ve been listening to your advice! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I can see my anxiety and his avoidance healing before my eyes. We are genuinely so compatible, same values, aligning goals, similar sense of humour, we can talk for HOURS like no time has passed, so I knew it was worth fighting for. Last night I was in his arms with my face buried in his neck, which is my favourite, and I said “I feel so safe here.” I know that means the world to him when I say that and I hadn’t said it in a while because we had a rough patch. I’m SO proud of us! ❤
Such a wonderful message to receive. Thank you 🤝
I'm anxious and never thought I'd be able to sooth myself 100x thank you!
Exactly what happened to me after watching your videos..I am anxious I can now look at things different and able to almost totally avoid conflict just by communicating differently , it's a wow moment
I love to hear that! And that’s only the beginning place, there are so many more skills that cannot only stop the bad problems but then enhance your relationship so it’s more fulfilling and stronger overtime
Looking sharp!
Thank you! New suit.
Just commenting thank you and give the video more reach to people who need to see this. Also, I'm gonna share this with my family and friends.. hopefully one day with someone special too
I really appreciate this, thank you for sharing an amazing comment. I truly hope they enjoy the video as well. If you continue to watch content here I know you will find a quality partner by using the skills you learn here. 🤝
Adam, idk if you actually have time to read & respond to comments, but I just had to say you're spot on, with everything you have described as anxious attachment and my personality. I have never felt so attacked yet, so heard and understood and know that I'm not the only one who has this problem. Thank you, thank you, thank you
Hey there, I’m definitely reading these! I’m glad to hear you had so many lightbulb moments with this video. Learning is just the beginning, and this can open so many exciting new doors for your relationships in the future. Watch a few more videos and hit me up in the comments, and let me know how I can help you as your journey forward into more loving connections!
On a bad day, it doesn't seem like I can do anything well enough to not trigger my husband. He's crazy smart, skilled, and has a great vocabulary. Most days, I work hard to make him happy, be good to my mother-in-law, and take care of the animals he bought. Yet, he focuses on the worst parts of who I am and what I do, that he doesn't like. I traveled 2800 miles to visit my granny- 3 weeks ago. Now, it seems like he's happier that I'm gone. There's money to take a course, but I fear that it may be over- and eventually, I will run out of money while I'm giving him his space. Very lost and stuck. If I travel back home, I hope I can implement what I can, as we are both drained- and we've only been married a year! God bless❤
Praying for you. Have you two had sincere conversation about what is and isn't working / what you'd like?
I believe one of your priorities right now is to aquire some money of your own...if you aren't working, get a job ...this will give you some stability and you can see your worth to an employer because you are getting paid...don't be a prisoner of circumstances because you don't have enough money to have freedom to make decisions that are right for you...get some good counselling...seek this out, there is free counseling and counseling on a sliding scale...married or single, you are responsible for your own happiness...I wish you the very best
@@UmamiPapi It's really, really difficult. I was gone for over 2 months, waiting for him to invite me back. He was just angry I was gone so long, even though he forgot my birthday and seldom reached out, himself. I think we're headed towards separation. We are of a different generation, culture, and communication styles. He is angry we are in a sexless marriage and he probably hates me. He can be cold, cruel, and in a constant state of agitation. I think it's because I mirror the aspects of himself that he hates so much. I feel funny for dropping too much, especially on strangers on YT. Bless you and thanks for your time:)
@@louisetaylor6952Many thanks, I totally agree. I was away for 2 months and came away with the intellectual understanding that we are responsible for both our joy, misery, and everything in between. But then I came back and it's only getting worse and worse. With all these videos I watched, I thought it'd give me the tools to at least initiate important conversations in a more honest and self-regulating way. I'm a mess around him and he resents the fact we are in a sexless marriage, no children, and poor communication. He places a lot on me, and I guess it's fair. Don't see a way to remedy this. Thank you for your time, wishing you all the best❤
@@misschris325 Divorce is sad, but being alone in a marriage is worse. I hope the best for you. In my view a year in should still be gleeful. Did you meet online and move once married?
Love the video and life changing for sure! Doing the inner work is well worth it.
Took me way longer than 8 weeks to fix my attachment style though. My abandonment wound ran very very deep. Takes awhile to shift that energy emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. It was all entangled with co-dependency, toxic shame, rejection, betrayal, lack of emotional intelligence….. took 9 years. My attachment style couldn’t fully shift until I did a ton of inner work.
Thank you for sharing your journey! It's incredible how much inner work can transform our lives. What advice would you give to someone just starting their own healing journey?
@@AttachmentAdam I’m a firm believer in self awareness so I love your self policing system. Also, to give yourself grace. I learned that we heal on four levels: emotional, mental, physical and spiritual. My abandonment wound was very deep in the subconscious. I had to peel off those layers for sure.
I researched how the core wound of abandonment was created in childhood. This is also the energy we need to heal to stop creating this wound within our lives and others. How the core wound projections is the subconscious programming. My triggers and the triggers of others.
We need to heal both energies within. Last tip…. Breathe, listen to Adam, and enjoy the present moment. 🫶
Adam!!!! Thank you for the work you do, I’ve learned a lot from you. Please keep on doing what you’re doing, it’s making a world of a difference. Much love from South Africa 🫶🇿🇦
Thank you so much for your kind words and support! It means a lot to know that my work has had a positive impact on you. Sending lots of love back to South Africa! 🫶🇿🇦
omg Adam! I started laughing when you said, welcome insecure attached people, you are the one looking for these video. lmbo.
Actually, I only came looking at these videos to better understand the man I care about.
Glad I could bring a laugh! What's been the most insightful thing you've learned so far?
This video has helped me a lot as a disorganised attachment leaning anxious in a relationship with an avoidant. The emotional permanence thing in particular! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one going through all of this 😅
You're definitely not alone! I'm glad you found this video helpful. Have you checked any other videos that helped out with anxious and avoidant attachments?
Thank you for the so easy to understand video and to give us hope with Techniques . What a blessing.
Adam I feel confuse and worried because when you talk about the percentage of the people with broken attachments. I look around me and I can’t identify a secure attachment man. It looks that I only had attracted and feel attracted to avoiders or anxious like me. So much work to do in me to attract the secure friends and a partner 🙏🏻
A video on people both anxious and avoidant would be nice.
Your videos are life changing!! Thank you so much, some of your videos have really changed my perspective on avoidant attachment. My love is avoidant and this has set me free from feeling like I have to chase the boy. We are both healing and it is so beautiful. Much appreciation of what you do.
Another great video, thank you. I've started recommending you to my attachment clients.
Absolutely. Which content do you find to be the most helpful?
Also, like your description of avoidance, it sounds like they're appeasing and people pleasing but that's also not necessarily the experience. Can you please talk about when they're shutting down and there's like a general energy shield around them where you feel very uncomfortable to mention anything, but they also like distance themselves, so you're not even mentioning anything so there's no triggers to their shutting down and then they're also unable to resolve conflictrelated to the lack of communication and so it just goes into this like cycle where they would draw I want time is passed they kind of like tiptoe back in
Hi Adam love the long videos, quick question what webcam do you use?
Thank you! Is the quality alright or would you say I need an upgrade?
@@AttachmentAdamquality is great! I am looking to get a similar camera myself, what do you use?!
An a woman on the avoidant spectrum, I find that the anxious men I have dated have been the ones I thought were the "safe" bet. Those relationships ended well, because they felt I didn't love them or care about them when I did and I couldnt' quite articulate what I needed at the time. I'm talking to someone now who I'm certain has a similar attachment style to mine and even though we aren't in a commited relationship, I find that I - and I'm sure to a certain extent him - feel more understood and trust the other persons words and actions more. I think it's the lack of pressure to commit and because I've just gotten out of a long commitment that did not end well, I know that a title isn't the end all of the bond and trust isn't properly set up to begin with. I wonder why this now feel safer for me. I guess I can understand him more as I grow to understand myself and I know there aren't ulterior motives. hmm
It makes sense that you feel understood with someone similar, and it sounds like you're learning a lot about yourself and attachment styles. Anxious partners can trigger feelings of inadequacy in avoidants, while a similar style can feel more secure in the beginning. This newfound safety could be due to understanding each other and the lack of pressure.
Are you currently facing any challenges when it comes to communication or intimacy?
@@AttachmentAdam This makes sense. In the beginning I did feel a little insecure with this person but once we talked about it we have decided to be honest and speak up if there is an issue. We are also honest about what we can and can’t handle which makes sense for both of us. Cause we understand and don’t have to guess as much. Intimacy has actually been the most authentic and honest experience I’ve had. And oddly enough the first with post pillow talk and cuddling to this level. Of course nothing is perfect but I’m learning to embrace and appreciate this thing that is teaching me a lot and also helping me feel understood.
Ayudas a la humanidad al compartir tu conocimiento! Siento que he aprendido tanto y hasta me he hecho más segura de lo que he absorbido!
¡Gracias por tus palabras inspiradoras! Me alegra mucho saber que mi contenido ha sido útil para ti y que te ha ayudado a crecer. ¿Hay algún tema en particular que te gustaría explorar más?
Hey Adam, Love your videos, so much actionable advice!
I’m wondering if you’d ever consider inviting the author Neil Howe onto your channel? While his books aren’t about attachment,he discusses many of the societal issues that you have said can stem from bad attachment in your videos. Would love to hear a discussion between you two.
Keep up your excellent work!.
Thank you so much for the suggestion and support! Neil Howe sounds intriguing. What other topics or guests would you like to see featured on the channel in the future?
You’re very welcome!
Would be great to see you cover the topic of anxiously attached men in dating; I’ve seen videos listed on your channel about anxious women, and avoidant men, but nothing on anxious men.
As for other guests, would love to see John Delony and Richard Cooper on your show. John Delony runs a channel very similar to this one, and has written books on mental health. As for Richard Cooper, in a previous video of yours, you mentioned how his views differ pretty widely from yours; would be interesting to see a debate/discussion between you two (perhaps on a neutral channel?).
What are some physical grounding techniques?
Avoidants needing hours alone makes me wonder how many motorcycle riders are avoidants.
My guy is. But he must enjoy my company to ride behind him and hold him for a long time. No commitment affair with no demands. Both single. No labels. I am anxious/avoidant who is stuffing my emotions because I'd rather NOT be alone while waiting for MR. RIGHT.
Avoidants never relax?ones i know always looks relaxed
It depends what you consider relaxed. In this case, it means low levels of cortisol so that they can begin receiving oxytocin bonding.
APPEARING relaxed, laid back, &/or uninvolved & BEING those things are worlds apart!
My ex I believe behaved like an avoidant .
I’m not able to diagnose , He definitely fit the description
He was manipulative
He would know something in advance that would impact upon Me but not tell Me until the last minute to avoid my anger or my hurtful reaction .
It didn’t occur to Him to talk to Me before time to see what compromise We could come to
He dumped Me for the second time recently because He didn’t want to give Me the time He had promised and mislead Me into thinking He was going to
Hi! I did a short from this video. Where can I send it to you?
Hey Tiron, appreciate that! Please feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com - Thanks!
I feel like you're not, addressing like intermediate type of relationships where you know a person is in a good place and is secure, and does things not from a place of reciprocity and is not building resentment, but the primary problem is the avoidance behavior like literally it would resolve the entire Issue so it's not always anxious people with avoidance like this dynamic can happen with the more anxious version avoid
Thanks. I think im avoidant. I don't want to ignore people. But sometimes im mad , at myself or them
What do you think it is that triggers you to get mad at them or yourself?
@@AttachmentAdam fear of abandonment or not being worthy
But when we are on a long car ride to go someplace he wants to go and I ask if we can stop at a drug store that is on the way so I can get something I need..... even this triggers him because he literally feels that even sitting in the car for 2 minutes while I sprint inside to buy something is a compromise he shouldn't have to make. I do try to express my needs but even the tiniest micro need becomes a mega event. Is there anything I can do?
That sounds incredibly frustrating and difficult. I encourage you to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com so we can discuss this in private and in more detail. I will also share essential resources and skills to overcome this issue with your partner.
I’m interested! How do I get started :)
Hey there, Sarah! I invite you to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com to get started! :)
Do you have a couple mentor ship or guidance course group,,?
Certainly! There's my marriage rescue package which is designed to help people looking to fix or improve a current relationship. Please find more information here: adamlanesmith.com/attachment-coaching/marriage-rescue-package/ - You can also reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com , and we can tailor the perfect resources to meet your needs.
Do you have a anxious/avoidant couples mentorship?
I do offer couples coaching for exactly that dynamic, if that’s something you want help with you can email me at support@adamlanesmith.com and let’s talk about how I can assist you.
Adam, I think I’m crazy. I realize I have an anxious personality. I Try to give space. Been going off on with my avoidant for five years almost. Every time I try to get close, he runs away. He comes up with little triggers that I didn’t do this right or I didn’t do that right, totally blowing things out of proportion so he can run away again. saysI don’t respect him, blame blame blame. I try and try to Show him that I do. It feels like he just pushes me away and then goes looking for other women. I guess, recently out of the blue, he decided he wanted space, so I gave him a couple weeks space. Then we get back together and he barely talks to me on the phone , he just texts, he asked for three months. Then he texts me every day like nothing has happened, so when I call him on it, he freaks out and says see we can’t get along. WTF? We are in a two hour long distance relationship. He’s breaking my heart now we are in no contact, yet again. it’s probably too late. He just claims everything is my fault. I told him to get counseling… he said he does his own counseling. Which is nothing but complaining. I am just so confused.?!!
I'm truly sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds incredibly tough. Let's talk more about your situation privately and explore possible solutions, please feel free to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com
I had the same experience with my ex avoident partner. We did not find a solution together. What my sister asked me is: why do you let yourself being abused, what did this relationship give you?
I realized I'm more in for the potential I saw in the relationship, than the day to day reality of it. In reality I felt unsafe and starved for intimacy most of the time.
I hope you find a solution with your partner. With the Attachement Style Theory I gained hope, that there could be a solution.
Thank YOU for this comment. I am anxious/avoidant so I avoid pain and things that make me feel anxious. You really nailed it for me when you spoke about believing IN THE POSSIBILITIES (POTENTIALS for me) of the relationship. It's almost like being a playwright and creating your own perfect love story. Then reality wakes you up to real life. Sometimes you just put up with it because it feels better than having no one. Looks better than "poor thing can't get a man." I'm just saying....
I feel what I got out of it was in order to make this work efficiently effectively, you both equally need to be doing the work as a couple.
Stop talking and get into it. Youre so irritatibg