Is your Lack of Communication Skills Holding you Back?
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- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
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Have you ever felt that your lack of communication skills is holding you back, causing missed opportunities in your personal and professional life? Maybe you’ve experienced dates that never connect, friendships that don’t deepen, or job prospects that never materialize. The reality is that effective communication is fundamental to expressing yourself and connecting with others. Without these skills, you may find yourself misunderstood and isolated. But the good news is that communication skills are learned, not innate. Just like any other skill, you can develop and refine your ability to communicate effectively. In this video, I’ll guide you through the number one approach to mastering communication, helping you transform your interactions and achieve your goals.
I’m Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist with over 15 years of experience in psychology and relationships. My background includes a master's degree in psychology, coaching, and relationship expertise. You might wonder why an attachment specialist is focusing on communication skills. The truth is, attachment and communication are deeply intertwined. Broken attachment styles often lead to poor communication habits that can sabotage relationships and professional opportunities. Anxiously attached individuals may overcompensate by seeking approval through their communication, while avoidantly attached individuals may shut others out. Both styles result in misunderstandings and unmet needs. Improving communication skills is essential for healing attachment issues and building healthy, fulfilling relationships.
In this video, I will share the transformative communication strategy used by the top 1% of communicators worldwide. By the end, you'll understand how to shift from trying to be interesting to being genuinely interested in others. This approach not only reduces stress but also increases your confidence and effectiveness in all your interactions. Whether you’re struggling with dating, friendships, or career advancement, mastering this communication technique will set you on the path to success. Let’s dive into the skill that can change your life, making every conversation more engaging and meaningful. Stay tuned, and let’s transform your communication together!
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - Understanding Anxiously Attached Partners
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00:06:21 - The Fear of Abandonment
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00:12:31 - Anxious Attachment and its Impact on Relationships
00:15:42 - Meeting the Needs of Anxiously Attached Partners
00:18:36 - Open Communication and Expectations
00:21:32 - Setting Clear Expectations
00:24:30 - Building Self-Respect and Fulfilling Friendships
00:27:28 - Understanding Attachment Styles
Yes!! Been with my avoidant for 15 years and by the grace of our Lord gave me great intuition which has allowed him to trust me and love me back, (provides, makes me laugh, buys me all kinds of goods, gives me his time, protects me etc) BUT STILL I often ack communication skills. Love these videos. Super helpful!
Happy to hear you're finding this videos helpful. I appreciate you sharing your experience and letting people know that avoidants can be loving, trusting, and nurturing as well!
Encouraging to hear from someone involved with an avoidant. I am reading the comments and getting discouraged because everyone is like “don’t waste your time on one!”
@@AttachmentAdamthat’s been my experience even though at times he does get distant
@@rachelpalmer5496 well it does take work on both sides. I think it’s important to mention that I myself am a anxious avoidant personality person so I feel that it helps me understand him. If I’m being completely honest, I’m my opinion, fully anxious people must change first (feels unfair) so that a avoidant can then trust and relax. Imagine having to change as if you did something wrong (you didn’t) just to deserve a little love from who you crave. Of course most people would say to not waste your time. My Lord is my anchor. He is my savior, he comes before anyone/anything. That helps me stay cool and grounded.
Some of your one liners kill me 😂 ‘’it’s like being in a relationship with a CI agent 😂😂’’ hilariously accurate
Happy to hear they resonate and I appreciate your feedback! 😂🙏
@@AttachmentAdammine was in another video where you said the anxious will spam like 50 times, call his family, call out the national guard to drag the avoidant back at gun point! It’s so accurate!! 😊
Being someone with Asperger's Syndrome this really helped me, not saying it doesn't hurt cause it does, it genuinely makes sense. Thanks Adam
I listened to this video last night before going to sleep. Before this video I was anxious about a job interview today and didn't have very high hopes of getting it. This boosted my confidence and today at the interview I was asking questions and I had fun. I don't know yet if I'll get it, but I'm happy with the interview.
I'm starting to get to the point where I don't put myself down all the time and thinking I'm a good person and wanting good things for others too. I hope I get to the point where I don't freeze up while talking with the guy I like and could actually start asking questions.
Thanks again for a very helpful and insightful video! 😊👍🏻
So glad to hear the video helped boost your confidence for the interview! It's awesome that you're starting to see yourself in a more positive light. Keep that momentum going, and I'm sure you'll ace both the interview and conversations with your crush. Good luck, and keep shining!
I noticed I definitely do this 7:47. Often not starting conversations with new(ish) people due to unconscious belief that it's all on me to carry the conversation. Learning to *trust* that other person/people will contribute too
It's great that you've identified this pattern in yourself. Trusting that others will contribute to the conversation can definitely ease that pressure. How have you found this realization impacting your interactions with others so far?
Why is that if you ask your avoidant partner questions, he takes it as an affront or an attack?
Never got an answer; she usually just felt attacked.
That might happen due to the phrasing of the question or the timing. Have you noticed any patterns or triggers that make your avoidant partner perceive your questions as threats?
Have you ever asked them a question, had them answer, and then criticized or attacked their answer? Then you might have taught them that he'll be punished for answering. If they had reasonable social skills, they also know that _not_ answering is also not okay, so now they're trapped.
When you ask them for impersonal facts, e.g. "what time is it?" or "when have we scheduled [such and such activity]?" and you ask it in a calm and level-headed manner, do they ever take such questions as an affront or attack?
Or even better, suggest an activity that's pleasant to them, like "would you like a coffee?" or "would you like a back rub and shoulder massage?"-are such questions also taken as an affront or attack?
Is your partner's situation getting better or worse when they answer your questions? Have you asked them which it is, and why?
Surprisingly its more tied to how i feel secure and only from there communication comes. Security is the key and that comes from within, but its not guaranteed and yet still i couldnt come with solution and how to secure security. Presence, allowing yourself just being without any constraints attached is what may trigger this feeling of security. Easier said than done.
Finding inner security is indeed a journey. Presence and self-acceptance are key steps towards that goal.
This is a great advice! I have been practicing this lately and the conversations I have are so much more fulfilling now.
I'm glad to hear that you've found the advice helpful and that your conversations are more fulfilling!
You are really good at what you do, you have helped me so much
I do exactly this with my clients. I am a bodyworker, but I sit down with my clients for a period of time and talk with them first before we begin doing any bodywork. I listen, get really curious, ask lots of questions and pick their brains. And then I ask branching questions. I try to keep talking about myself to a minimum, other than to establish trust and safety. I want to get to know my clients so that they feel heard, listened to and connected to.
And I'll just add that I wasn't taught how to do this, but this is something I've learned how to do after working with clients in a 1 on 1 bodywork setting for over 20 years. I have just learned how to sit, get really curious, ask questions and listen and then reflect back to them.
Thank you for sharing your experience, it sounds like you've developed a fantastic approach! How have your clients responded to this method over the years?
0:27 that hit hard 😢
So many nonverbal children grow up to have this exact problem.
Hits close to home, doesn't it? It's surprising how many nonverbal kids face similar struggles as adults.
@@AttachmentAdamI can use this with my son!
Holy crap! I am self absorbed conversationist! I never thought to ask questions to others to get to know them better! Wow!! I’m sure I do this at times as I have friends but just because I genuinely wanted to know. It was never intentional. Wow!!
I’m so relieved I no longer have to try to be interesting. And now I know why. I far prefer deep conversations where we get to know each other.
That's great to hear! Deep conversations can be so fulfilling and meaningful. What topics do you find most engaging for these deeper connections?
Thanks. I do all these things. Never knew it was bad. I thought they were all good things. I also was ghosted after most of my first dates.
Ghosting is really hurtful and is a sign of immaturity. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I'm glad to hear that this video resonates. How are you going to use this information in your relationships moving forward?
This makes me nervous! Because now I have to think about where to insert questions!
Grate thing Communication the thing is so much isn't verbal but body language just watching you you are a good communication tool so much hands body and facial expression so much of communication is unconscious. If you talk to people by being truly interested in them why are you hear in this place what do you do? What is your passion where did you grow up what things did you do as a child? We have mirror neurons that allow us to fall very in tune with each other isn't this what all deep conexyoun is?
Absolutely, communication is so much more than just words. Body language, facial expressions, and genuine interest in others play a huge role in forming deep connections. How do you find these elements impacting your own relationships and connections with others?
I work with people that had real problems communicating body and mind learned that they develop ways two doing it those of us that take it for grated Saratoga our selves be cause of Insecurity Learning the value Every interaction Can change your life Thank you
I was more involved with sharing myself and my stories over learning other people’s. That is so bad!
Having an avoidant guy with that kinda “ CIA “ job is literally for me. 😢 It’s so challenging. We are both struggling.
I used humor to be interesting..I do have friends and it’s probably because I did the natural questioning. But I’m nervous to try this with my crush because I don’t know where to begin!! I’m going to try and execute this with my crush
I have been selfishly involved with my friends smh..
Honestly, after over 16 years of hardly talking to anyone, I got to the point that I avoid conversation, with anyone outside my immediate family, as much as possible. Even then I talk as little as possible. I've actually grown to hate the sound of my voice.
What happened that made you hardly talk to anyone for 16 years? And how does that affect you?
@@AttachmentAdam Mostly it's because I haven't had many people to talk to. Sure, I would talk to a person or two for a about 5 - 10 minutes before services on Sunday, but other than that the only people I had to talk to has been my immediate family. When the pandemic hit, services were put on Zoom and I've been listening in ever since. The majority of the time I'm just sitting in silence watching or listening to CZcams videos.
It used to bother me and I felt really lonely, but over the years I just got used to it. Now I have an eversion to talking to people. I know it's a roadblock to finding any deep human connection, but part of me doesn't even care anymore. It's not like I'll ever be able to get out of where I'm living anyway. I've pretty much given up and resigned myself to this pseudo-life I exist in.
I mean, sure, I could borrow the car and drive to some night club on Friday night, but I'd end up sitting there alone with my drink in a corner booth, so what's the point?
I’d love to do this but he’s an avoidant and any personal questions were met with I don’t want to talk about that. Shut down. Only topics that were ok was his work and politics. Sad.
Awesome video as with every single one I’ve watched so far! Would you say that this kind of approach would be a good method to reinitiate contact with a dismissive avoidant ex? I know if you make it like you’re trying to get too much information from them they can retract, how would you adapt this for a situation like that?
Could you ask them about the things you k in they are proud of in their lives?
know
9:00 autism in a nutshell 🥲
I am a horrible communicator! I try. It's starting to make sense. I knew I was a bad at communicating ...⬆️ but this⬆️ So being a fearful avoidant.... ? Thanx for the tips Adam!
Happy to help! What tip or part of the video resonated with you the most?
Managing my emotions seems to be a huge hang up for me. Expressing my wants, needs, and boundaries all feels very foreign to me. It's been a long rime since I've experienced pure joy amd happiness. It's just been nice to see that I'm not alone in my follies. I'm just ready to finally dominate in all aspects of my life. I'm pretty tired of always being lonely and afraid. So thanks. I'm looking forward to seeing change...
My lack of communication is because of having bad teeth. I’ve literally seen people seeing my teeth while I was talking and making a face. I literally don’t go out anymore. I’m literally scared to talk. It’s such a sad life.
Invest in getting your teeth fixed
@@_aoe that’s the plan it’s gonna cost me 20,000$
@@kristianbonis483 In the meanwhile just accept your situation don’t be too insecure about it
I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. It sounds incredibly tough and isolating. If you'd like to talk more about this or explore potential solutions that would increase your confidence, feel free to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com. You're not alone in this, and there are ways to find support and help.
@@AttachmentAdam thank you I appreciate it
I ask lots of questions and my avoidant friend seems ok with that but he never asks me questions and I've always wondered why! He seems to find out about me by telling me things and seeing how I respond and what I will tell him in return. I know that he has often been curious but I have wondered if he sees asking questions as an invasion of privacy. I have even said to someone else in front of him that I am fine with them asking as many questions as they like.
I wonder if he was told off as a child for asking questions?
But how can I encourage him to ask me things? (Because it naturally feels that he is not interested enough in me even though I know he loves to find things out.)
Omg when people try to be too interesting, I feel like they’re playing me! 😩 I’m trying to have a mature conversation and the other person just wants to have fun, fun, fun!!!
It's tough when you're aiming for a real conversation and the other person's all about the entertainment! Finding that middle ground between fun and depth can really make chatting more enjoyable for both sides.
I get like that too..if someone is to interested I get guarded
How do you approach and talk to an avoident if you want to talk about an issue you have with something their doing in the relationship?
I encourage you to check out my playlist titled 'What Does Avoidant Attachment Look Like In Relationships?' where you'll find a lot of insights and helpful advice about communicating with an avoidant. If you would like more tailored advice to suite your specific relationship, feel free to directly contact me through support@adamlanesmith.com
Damn . I practice by making an observation as a statement or a question with folks i meet, waiting in line, or at the store, either gender, folks of all ages.
They look at me (if they do even that) with a blank stare, as if to say, "who the F is this dude, and why is he talking?
It can be tough when people don't respond as you'd hope. Practicing communication is a great habit, though. Have you found any particular settings or topics that tend to get better responses?
@AttachmentAdam it seems more environment, situation and person dependant than it does relate to anything I have to say.
I still think it's me, mind you.
I have question am i emotionally cheating on morgan with my ex boyfriend Stephen behind morgan by meeting up and texting and calling Stephen on phone and laughing with steohen and holding hands with stephen and watching high school musical dvds that me and Stephen love without never never having no sex
Duh! Yes you are. Why are you even entertaining Stephen knowing Morgan wouldn’t approve and what’s worse IF it were down to you, who knows how you’d react.
If they both know you could lose both.
I think you know that you are.
14:53 the communication skill
🙌🙌
I was more involved with sharing myself and my stories over learning other people’s. That is so bad!
Why is that if you ask your avoidant partner questions, he takes it as an affront or an attack?
They have a huge burden of shame and feeling unworthy - because they were not loved & valued so learnt they are wrong, bad etc. So any hint of a criticism = shame overwhelm and confirmation they are bad. I had no idea about this until I joined PDS, the videos on YT helped, talked to DAs in the community helped me understand.
@@emilyb5557 PDS & YT?