AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE - How it complicates relationships, and how to stay together for life
Vložit
- čas přidán 30. 01. 2024
- Join this channel to get access to perks:
/ @attachmentadam
If you enjoyed this video and want more content like this, do me a favor: be sure to hit that like button, leave a comment, and don't forget to subscribe to the channel!
Share it with your friends, and hit that notification bell so you never miss an update. 🛎️ Let's grow this amazing community together! 🚀
Work with Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist:
adamlanesmith.com/
adamlanesmith.com/courses/
adamlanesmith.com/single-sess...
adamlanesmith.com/relationshi...
Want to learn your attachment style, and sign up for Adam's weekly newsletter? Click the link below to receive your copy and sign up now.
The 4 Attachment Styles Guide - Free! 📥
adamlanesmith.com/the4attachm...
If you've struggled in dating or marriage and worry you're not good enough, worry no more. Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
www.amazon.com/dp/B07S33YGJZ
Connect with Adam on your second preferred platform:
Instagram: / attachmentadam
TikTok: / attachmentbro
X: / thebrometheus
Facebook: / adamlanesmith
Just a warning for any avoident who is like me deciding to fix our issues. Be ready to face a wall of guilt you will feel when you reflect on all the many ways you hurt the people around you. Now that you have started learning all this new information. It is really easy to beat ourselves up over something we didn't know was running in the background of our mind. You have to feel it to heal it and you are not alone!
I love this and thanks
Yes and to humble oneself and apologize from the heart can be very healing to both sides. So humility is a gift from God that we can utilize in these circumstances.
Good on you for being so introspective! It takes a great deal of courage and emotional maturity to do that work.
So proud of you for your courage
I so admire your courage to face this and work on this and have had the guts to make this helpful post . Thankyou!
I actually feel compassionate and sorry for the avoidant types now - rather than triggered and angered
I promise you, we don't want to be this way 🥺
But at least now there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
Avoidant people can make securely attached people anxious.
Yes!
As a previously secure person I thought I was going insane. Turned into an AA very quickly. As I learned after a month about attachment theories.
Nobody can make anyone else do anything.
This is so try!!
So true! All of a sudden you find yourself clingy and needy when that never would have occurred to you before!
I actually found attachment style theory 1 year ago… I told him about it and he was shocked!! He realized the truth!!
And what happened? !
Thank you, Adam. I’m an avoidant woman happily married to an anxiously attached man for twenty years where we’ve done plenty of work together to become more secure. It’s exhausting being told over and over by my anxiously attached female friends that “I’m not like their avoidant husbands; I’m different” when I can clearly see they are wounding their men constantly with their secret expectations, then shaming and blaming them for “not wanting to work on the relationship”, most are not aware they’re doing this and only believe the avoidant husband is the problem.
We’re scared. Sometimes, we do a lot of things that are scary and hard for us that do not get noticed because they’re “easy” or even necessary things for the anxiously attached. We can be ethical, honest, and genuine and still get punished by not showing up in the way that’s expected from the anxious perspective. There really is just as much hurt on the avoidant side. Thank you for being brave enough to say it. 🙏🙏
@amwoodro7179 oh I feel so much for you. Sending you all the love of the world! I have recently discovered, many a time, we don't even know that there is an unhealed hurt within us which is causing us behave hurtfully but we are proud of that behavior because it feels so obvious and natural!!
My mind is blown away even while knowing about myself as well, after I fell in love with my avoidant partner. At the very start almost, I found my avoidant opening up to me and he had said that he doesn't feel like that he has to be someone else when he talks to me. In those vulnerable times, I could feel that this sweet boy was sooooo soft, so tender, so delicate, I felt that I will have to always take care of him and protect him like a soft new born baby. At that time I had no idea about attachment theory. I did not know he is an avoidant one and I am the anxious one.
I realized later while processing my pain, that I cannot become a flood of love. I have to return to be the river. Likewise, he cannot live his life in a survival mode. He has to examine and learn to trust and be brave to get hurt and be resilient.
I learnt so much, by God's grace. But I hope I get to apply my knowledge. He is not talking to me for almost the past 2 months. I am hoping we will get back together soon by God's grace, all healed and secured to start on a great journey together, never imagined before!
So what should we do when avoidant ghost and come back 2 months later ?
1) you let them come back and they will hurt you again
2) you set boundaries and don't accept them back. Witch means you betray them like everybody
I'm confused
Thank you for having a successful marriage. It gives so much hope!! I hope the whole world heals and we all can love free from all our fears..
Please bless the couple we are ~ me and my avoidant, by God's grace
Probably the best reply I've seen on this video, much more nuance and understanding of the topic then the majority of people posting comments just bashing avoidant people with their own insecurities with very little self reflection.
How to love an avoidant attacher? If they stay long enough to let you... they need to heal themselves and actually want to heal.
I am an anxious man who ended up with an avoidant woman. I know we are rare but I would love more videos that acknowledge this dynamic
I've got some videos coming on this topic, as I coach these couples all the time and they have VERY specific needs!
Same here... we've been married for 32 years, but it was not the greatest recipe for success
Same, I started out secure according to her diagnosis through the test that her therapist gave her. She was diagnosed avoidant, apparently the type that people claim is the worst for relationships. Then I became extremely anxious in the relationship, a year after our final breakup I was so disturbed by the experience I’m single and becoming avoidant myself. Weirdly though, I’m finding hope and control by learning from the parts of her (and the avoidant mindset) that I liked, like self focus and independence and success, and honestly not trusting people unless it’s tit for tat and I have good reason, and my life is improving a lot. So the entire experience isn’t just a waste. But it’s strange to learn about how you want to be from someone who hurt you with it, but I think we both benefit from incorporating our shadow side, which probably attracts us to avoidants in the first place. Maybe the anxious speak to the shadow of the avoidant too, that wants to demand attention and love.
I know it's a rough dance to sign up for.💯
It's great that there are so many helpful, coherent videos unpacking avoidant attachment! The amount of comments on these videos, just slamming people with this attachment style is so telling of the level of judgment, agression and noise these people experience in life, often at the hands of apparent 'loved ones'. They're just as entitled to compassion and humility. If you get hurt you still have the choice whether you lash out or not, an avoidant partner has no hand in that. Avoidants looking to heal, one step at a time, you got this!
I had known about attachment theory for so long yet not till finding your content was I finally able to see the hypocrisy in my own mindset of ‘a relationship is a two way street!’ And realize that I was part of the problem
I’ve literally watched probably 150 videos on avoidant attachment style since I started dating my girlfriend. If I had watched this one to start with, I would’ve dumped her a long time ago. Our relationship just ended yesterday. What a freaking roller coaster. And boy did I try. The fifth sudden break-up since Christmas day ‘23 was enough for me.
Why would you have ended the relationship a long time ago?
@@AttachmentAdam
I assume it is because he would have realized what is actually happening instead of just being confused and trying to do whatever he could to fix things. Once the pattern has been seen objectively and you realize that it is a pattern and you realize it may have nothing to do with you, you can assess whether you want to be a part of this or not and realize that other relationships probably would not be as disappointing and hurtful to be in.
@nakitanash2189 BINGO! I was with a fearful avoidant and for many years didn't know what I was dealing with. I just always tried to "fix" the situation. I began to lose track of how many times we've broken up. It was only when we went to couple's therapy that I found out he was a fearful avoidant, and that's when I started doing research on His attachment style. I will just say this; Avoidant people are some of the hardest people to be with. As someone who is securely attached, it can be very draining on you, mentally and emotionally.
Thank you for this video!
Adam thank you so much, your channel and your knowledge is such a great help❤.
You are a miracle worker ❤God bless you for the opportunity you’ve given to humanity 🎉
I was once an anxious attachment style but now that I’m older I’ve gotten more secure However, I’ve lately met someone who I’ve realized is an avoidant style and it’s made me sad because there is no way to get close to him even though he is a good person. It made me step back into anxious attachment but I realized quickly it’s not about me and I had to get back to my secure attachment. He’s a good person but he can’t open up and doesn’t want to be vulnerable. It’s just sad.
That is terribly sad, and I'm sorry to hear it. I do have several videos on this channel for how to love an avoidant man and they are positive views of avoidant people - could you watch one with him and see if he's open to the idea?
Thank you.
Thank you so much. I have an avoidant attachment style. Your videos have helped me so much.
I'm so glad to hear these are helping. Happy to provide some material that isn't demonizing avoidant people. Time to bring some compassion and answers!
Great video.
You explain better than anyone I have come across. Thanks very much. Any tips on the best way to approach an avoidant that you haven't been in contact with for a while ( healing anxiously attached, I can see where I went wrong now...but really love this man).
Oh wow I relate to this story so deeply. Successful career, lots of surface level relationships. I’m 54 and I spent the last year of my life trying to figure out whether my ability and desire to be alone was a sign of spiritual maturity or dysfunction. I decided it’s the latter because humans are wired to connect.
Many high-performance individuals are surprised to find there is a whole new level of fulfillment and joy they've never experienced because of attachment challenges. I can help you find answers if you're open to some information, you're welcome to send me an email at Support@AdamLaneSmith.com.
@@AttachmentAdam Thank you… I just emailed. And you blew my mind as I continued listening… I always thought it was just my personality that I enjoy and am good at building / growing businesses more so than running them once they’re stabilized. That always seemed boring to me. Now that I’m wondering if maybe this is more about the dopamine / adrenaline rush. I feel like every day I find new aspects of myself that I thought were personality and are actually just insecure attachment! It’s equal parts relieving and jarring.
Supreme content
Re not being able to trust other people: Why do avoidant people get so offended when they learn that you also don't trust them?
What a good question!
Isn't it because they believe they are honest and trustworthy in a world where noone else is?
If your only place of trust is yourself, how terrifying to have even that shred of security questioned!
My ex avoidant cut the relationship after 9 months. I understand that this is his nature and he won’t change without therapy. He used to be very upset on people in general, he said he didn’t believe in family unity. I suggested him therapy.
Do you have or plan to make videos on Anxious Attachment and Disorganised attachment? Really glad i found your channel
Hi! Ive been with an avoidant for 6 years, learned a lot about how to be a Team Player, more independent, i rarely criticise...i agree with all u r saying, except that avoidants give too much and get overwhelmed. My bf doesnt do that, and still cant believe there is more than survival...like he does in practise, but his beliefs didnt change...he believes that the way he is will make him succeed etc...he doesnt sneak out, but...its hard for him to stop projecting stuff on me
It sounds like you've learned a lot from your experiences with your avoidant partner over the past 6 years. Have you both had open discussions about these issues? If you ever need guidance or support, feel free to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com - I'd be happy to help!
Yes dear you are right
I broke up one month back and I have decided to not do it again
Just casuals .
Anxious partner in response to my request to have time alone "It's ok to take and hour or two to reset, but I need you to do it in 30mins."
Did you find that timeframe suitable?
30:36 they don't know what skills they're missing
I just had an an epiphany. As an anxious preoccupied Im very low on dopamine, also why I attracted a high dopamine addict 😂
I have so much compassion for my avoidant, yes he asks to be friends his words hurt cause when he’s approached he’s so easily to say no I don’t love them I don’t want them, I think he gets put on the spot and I don’t believe others know he’s avoidant. He says hurtful words but his actions say differently
ADAM! You are so spot on!
Please 🙏 is there any possibility of you doing a video using this info but through the lense of dealing with an avoidant partner as a Co-parent. Pretty please! I am currently going through a divorce with an avoidant (sensitive not mean) man.
He is acting exactly like you highlighted. He blames me for everything, thinks I’m trying to take everything from him, including our daughter. I am working so hard to communicate with him as I desperately want him to have a good relationship with our daughter but he won’t believe me. I honestly don’t know how to reach him. I’ve wrote many letters, stating the benefits of the father / daughter bond and I’ve made every attempt to facilitate contact with them. But he keeps accusing me trying to block him from our daughter. He is now getting solicitors involved and I’m worried for him.
He knows he is avoidantly attached he was the one that discovered attachment theory and informed me. So I’m hoping this is a good sign he might be a little bit open to seeing the truth. Please Help!! ❤
they ABSOLUTELY ARE energy vampires
Why do you stay around and let them suck you dry? Any relationship involves two people. I’m tired of people badmouthing avoidants without looking at their own decisions and accountability for their own happiness.
YEAH! I"M TIRED OF IT TOOOO! @@scrapadoo11
@@scrapadoo11YOU DONT GET IT!
Energy vampireism is a completely different issue and any attachment style is capable of it.
🩵🩵🩵 Love your channel.
It seems i have a combination of both avoidant and anxious.
Looking forward to your version for women. I am female with a lot of masculine (not lesbian) qualities. I am the Divine Masculine in current relationship, he is the Divine Feminine.
Yes, it’s called disorganized attachment style
Also known as Fearful Avoidant attachment style
May I ask is your significant other avoidant?
@@UnacceptableTee yes, likely from having an alcoholic father as well as being burned by a bitter divorce/custody battle.
Adam have you ever done any material about erectile dysfunction as it relates to avoiding intimacy?
Does anyone know any good links or books that have information on attachment and Co-parenting please? Particularly with avoidant people?? TIA x
Any little steps you can recommend that will make a DA move closer to being ready or curious to find out about their attachment style without feeling insulted or threatened by that?
Explain this.
If we love them they don't like it.
If we push them they like us. If we let them come back they hate us
It's a clown show, that's what it is. A bad joke.
0:19:00 Question - why didn’t you read your own book (Slaying Your Fear) for Audible?
hey adam, is extreme jealousy a behavior indicating avoidant or anxious personality?
How to make my bf realize he's an avoidant? I made him read the book but he doesnt think he is. He has all the signs though. 7 months in, he lost interest and i kept quiet. It worked and he asked to be back. We have deep feelings for each other so id really want to make this work. Him accepting that he's an avoidant could be a big step for us to end up being together. We're mid-aged and he's looking to retire to my country in 5 yrs.
can I continue giving them dopamine in the meantime like reacting to his stories? or stay away from validating them by liking their stories on social media?
tbh avoidant people can’t treat people like that and then cry when people walk away
I am a dance teacher and one of my girls (age 13) talked to me about her parents separation recently and when she mentioned her dads behavior to me I realized he is an avoidant attached father (never discusses issues, is emotionally distant, stays quiet or leaves the house when the mom expresses her needs or issues, he changes the subject if she brings up how she feels, etc). I asked her about his childhood and he was in fact neglected by his parents. My student is resentful and angry with her dad (but can’t express it to him) and I don’t know how to help her. Her dad has no idea she talked to me. Please make a video about how to deal with an avoidant father.
This video would be excellent for that topic: czcams.com/video/ax6ACMQYgeE/video.html
Where can I find more info on statistics of suicide rates for children of avoidants? I feel like a high percentage of partners or family members of avoidants would also have a higher suicide rate. Potentially definitely for FA's.....
I'm sure we can pull up a few studies and researches on this topic, but what makes you feel that it would be a high percentage?
Even if they are DA… the level of disrespect I receive when communicating. Even if I start: this is not an attack I’m using X Situation as an EXAMPLE of the action that caused me pain.
DA: “ Well what do you want me to do keep my phone on my side at all time why are A, B , C not mad I ignore them? I’ll just have to be a slave to my phone and have my hand on it balmy all times.”
ME: “well I’m not concerned with A,B or C… I’m telling you what I FEEL when I get a 3 word text at 1:00 for a week straight.”
DA: I never go that long without reaching out.
Me: would you like me to show you all of the unanswered messages?
DA: no, bc I know that’s not what happened.
Me: sigh! Thinking i WILL ever get a QUESTION to investigate instead of defensiveness…
I am spoken to like every thing I do is irritating… even when I record conversations and point out his tone and manner…
DA: I’m always loud that’s me you are just perceiving it the wrong way…
ME: well how I perceive is important so could you ID when this happens.
The HVAC drain was leaking and water was going on the floor. I asked the DA to come to the basement. When he gets there I motion for him to come and he said in a VERY aggressive and irritated tone…
DA: WHAT WERE YOU DOING LOOKKNG AT THE HVAC … just TELL ME WHAT IS GOING IN!
Me: I was just looking and checking the filter and saw water
Da: THE WAY YOU SAID TO CKEN TI BASEMENT MADE ME THINK IT WAS flooded. Why are you looking??? What did you do?
Me: NOTHING and why do I irritated you no matter what I do? .
Also, can you please switch captions with translator on?
I am emotionally color blind✅
I want to be with a man with an avoidant attachment style and we work in the same workplace.. we are seeing each other and this is complicating things to the point where he says we can’t be in a relationship because he has disconnected the two things. Is this just an excuse or is this connected to their style of relating ??
We don’t attach, we just F people. Some of us were raised by narcissistic parents. And intimacy confuses us it’s a terrible existence. It’s stems from not being attached to our mother or father
I always fantasize about potential partners from past, the ones that 'got away', and keep thinking whether they wouldn't be better partner than the current one
@@matusk3308 Yes, that’s called the ‘phantom ex’, it’s a deactivating strategy meant to keep emotional distance with your current partner. Thais Gibson has a great video on that
But you are loveable and you don't need to stay this way.
@@matusk3308 Because you can fantasise that they were perfect. And you are looking for someone to be perfect, to feel safe. Noone is perfect so you'll never find one. But loving each other flaws and all is courageous and hugely rewarding.
And surely a relief....to find you are loved just as you truly are?
@@matusk3308 fantasy a lot of times is how children in trauma or neglect deal with their reality and we take it into adulthood because we are still trying to escape reality
You made a mistake at around 14.30'. You said anxiously attached people are afraid and what follows next seems to describe avoidant attachment. Just a heads up, so viewers don't get confused.
Yes, good point, and should be corrected. Overall this is excellent, and very helpful content!
Massage stimulates production of oxytocin.
Absolutely!
I though I was the anxious attached person but everything you say sounds like me being avoidant but Im the one holding on while my latest ex seems like the avoidant person cause Im faraway and would just jump in my car and go love him but I can't because of work
Is it possible you have the Disorganized style and turn anxious with avoidant men?
Thank you for reply yes what you say is true for me at work Im the avoidant on and really struggle with that too
What are examples of dopamine in relationships and examples of oxytocin in a relationship
Great question, I've got another video on the brain chemicals of avoidant attachment called "The biochemistry of avoidant attachment", I recommend checking there for the longer answers!
@ 14:37 you said anxious are afraid. I think you meant avoidant here within this topic on avoidant? So most avoidant that come to you are not on the more extreme ; very strong with more narcissistic tendencies which makes sense because those with higher or high narcissistic traits tend to not seek therapy?
Interesting on the transactional info as the man in with was dismissed with a very very very very strong DA/FA.
Definitely more on the extreme narcissistic side.
I always felt he was transactional. I felt used. I over functioned and was seeking approval I dodgy try in childhood and he had a very low self esteem; confidence deep down and like me because having attractive women on his arm made him feel better. Temporarily of course because the love bomb; then crumbs; then contempt ; devaluing comes as it did with ever y relationship he’s had. I do believe the last gf was using him for sure. Remember; it’s possible these people are using his SO for whatever like self esteem; etc. could be anything. Those that are very strong in this attachment I would imagine.
Sounds like my ex… extremely difficult to figure out at times but there again I’m struggling to figure myself out …I feel secure then a guy comes along completely turns my world upside down then I’m thinking is it me?? I feel I can be both avoidant (as I’ve got older as now 55 - so I like my space) but also anxious 🤔 my parents weren’t there for me ..I was very shy .
What type of attachment would an adoptee at birth have? Some of us never received the oxytocin chemical from biological mother. Would that even be a thing? Or am I just using that as an excuse for my later in life behavior/issues?
Adoption can lead to any of the insecure attachment styles. I was adopted and have a fearful avoidant/disorganized attachment style, but I also know other adoptees who became avoidant or anxious.
I"ll let some other woman fix him. This is so exhausting.
It sounds like you're feeling frustrated with the idea of taking on the responsibility of fixing someone else. Have you ever been in a relationship with an avoidant?
@@AttachmentAdam"Taking on the responsibility of fixing someone else"? Since when should we take the responsibility of fixing people who are grown up enough to fix themselves? We can help them fix themselves, but only they can do it. If they don't want help, then it's time to move on.
But they are demonic 😂
The shit they do to protect themselves when there is no threat present is horrible
The anxious ones traumatize everyone and never know
The anxious ones DO NOT traumatized more than the Dismissive Avoidant period
I think he meant avoidant, a typo
I feel like you're explaining me here. But I have thousands and not millions 🫠