AVOIDANT MEN - Can they ever be happy in marriage? 😱 Harsh truth time from The Attachment Specialist
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- čas přidán 19. 03. 2024
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You said the best way to tell an avoidant person that they’re avoidant. For me, my girl said ENOUGH and didn’t take me back. I hit rock bottom without her, read attachment, started therapy, and started binging your content. It has been LIFE CHANGING, and she’s going to give me another chance after a few months. She changed my life and want to marry her.
I WAS avoidant. I’ve made it my life mission to have secure attachment. Currently In therapy. My ex is giving me one last chance, she was ride or die but I took her granted so many times. I’m going to marry her. I will be a great partner from now on. I was listening to bs red pill the last few years but you are my relationship guru now. I was very judgmental and I had walls built around me for so long, I’m now transparent about my feelings and having way more meaningful conversations with people. So much happier.
This comment makes me believe in my avoidant ex… how did you start therapy, what was the push?
@@onlyinherrang3098 my ex may have mentioned it. Although one day she described things I did, and it was as if she was describing my dad, which is the worst thing I could hear. I went to therapy 13 years before but it was more career oriented. I knew it was time to go back. Being alone gets old. I also took personal responsibility for everything which many people don’t do. One has to be ready to change.
Bottom line is if the avoidant has no intentions of changing, it’s a no go.
I see where you're coming from. What signs do you look for to gauge someone's willingness to change in relationships?
Haha I told my avoidant partner that he’s a dismissive avoidant.. and I listen on CZcams videos on attachment styles (including yours) all the time. He jokingly annoyedly said “stop profiling me” while begrudgingly admitted how accurate it is 😂. “I feel like this is somehow going to be used to manipulate me….” And I said “no I learned this to understand you. Why do you think we’re still together now? If I hadn’t learned about all this stuff we would’ve broken up by now”. I was very much an anxious preoccupied and thanks to learning about attachment theory and healing just my side of the road, we’ve been together for 3 years and planning to get engaged soon :)
It s exactly what i am living right now... I learnt a lot thanks to thoses videos. Help me to know how to act with her... During connection or absence 😂❤
Yassssss! I love this for y’all 🎉
Great show, I'm glad I found your channel. I didn't know how avoidant I was until now. My girlfriend is really an expert on how to love someone like me without knowing.
Hey, I’m glad you’re here! I recommend you next watch my video called, what men with an avoidant attachment style need to be happy. Watch that video together with your girlfriend and I think you will have a great conversation.
@AttachmentAdam Thank you for your response and recommendation. I will definitely watch the video. I think I should keep doing this work on my own for now. Maybe later I can introduce it to her once I've gained more understanding.
@@sabelondlovu9296Just to be honest, that’s a super avoidant response 😂 but I totally get it. Need to know what you will be offering her before you can take that risk. Definitely poke around on the recent videos on my channel and learn all about avoidant attachment, then feel free to show her the best video and ask if it’s something the two of you can work on together. I bet she will love it.
@AttachmentAdam 🤣 fair play. I had a feeling you'd say that. I always get the "babe, you're fine, stop poking around" comment when I suggest such things.
Avoidant people perceive *everything* as an attack. They take everything personally and react as if they’re being intentionally attacked. It’s so exhausting to deal with their layers of distorted thinking.
i think that might be the anxious type...or even a borderline. borderlines are masters of inner fantasy persecution narratives. I could be wrong, as far as i know the avoidants sort of just dont want to be bothered by other people's weirdness. if there is conflict, they dont see it as "them" being at fault, or reflecting some inner failing. so when people do weird stuff they dont take offense, they just avoid the interactions entirely because it annoys them and they have better things to do. looks to me like anxious attachment styles have a "bad object" fixation for themselves and any opinion that differs from theirs, or any comments that they think reflect on their beliefs or personhood poorly, which can be ANY comment, will likely be taken as an existential threat to their core self because they assume that they are inherently bad or unworthy.
I was totally avoidant. Can’t relate. It’s mainly flaw finding in the relationship and person to avoid commitment. The only reaction is avoiding/retracting/disappearing, hence the name.
If they're upset or attacked by other people, do you think that they take it out on like their partner in terms of like shutting down or withdrawing? I think part of it is very difficult to have conversations because the person is like shutting down or withdrawing and there's so much of a lack of clarity that they're not even physicallyor present on the phone to be able to have these kinds of like conversations what to do
@@LightPilotDarkForest no
You’re exactly right. Mine perceives every little thing as a criticism and then shutsdown/stonewalls me. As far as I understand, it stems from the core wound of “being defective,” so any small thing that stray too far into criticism reignites that wound and they get defensive.
This video is amazing it helps me to talk to my avoident in a different way to open up thanks for all the help you do
I wasn’t following you but I opened my CZcams and you were right there. The title of your live attracted me and now I’m hooked. I feel like I have finally seen the light! Thank You!!!🙏🏽 I look forward to your courses on becoming more secure and understanding all about avoidant personalities, it seems that’s all I have attracted during my life (I’m 54.) I recently detached from someone who had me on a cycle and I blew up because I finally had enough of his avoidance but now I see I was also triggering him with my anxious behavior. I only wish I would have been better prepared to understand what was going on. ❤
I'm glad you were able to find this channel - Always happy to help. I believe it's never too late to learn, grow, and develop new skills!
My attachment style seem to vary depending on who the relationship eis with
It's interesting how our attachment styles can vary depending on the relationship dynamics. What are some factors you think might influence your attachment style in different relationships?
One of the reasons it takes some people two years to do a single session with you might be that it takes that long to not only save the pile of cash the session costs but also to become desperate enough to consider handing it to an internet celebrity.
840.00 for one session! I had no idea I just went and checked
@Healing_Oaks yeah...I mean Adam seems pretty astute....I'm not sure I could justify that kind of expense for what I'm guessing is a one hour session. I'm sure people go for it, but you have to have a some serious disposable income to not feel that one....that's a financial level several rungs above mine hahha
Yeah, I was shocked as well. and I don't think it will help my current relationship...he is gone! @@LightPilotDarkForest
Your video s have taught me so much even my own attachment love ur videos ty n helps with my avoident person
Of course they can be happy in marriage! When both parties are securely attached during or becoming so during the process of the marriage!
You are a gift. Gratitude 🙏
Wow, thank you. I appreciate you ❣🙏
This is the most amazing and bang on video u have done...
Thank you! I'm pleased to hear you enjoyed it. Is there a specific topic you would like me to discuss?
OCPD/OCD/NPD/BPD avoidant is really hard to deal with.
You can’t reconnect with someone who’s blocked you 😞
I am in same situation. 67 years old and he acts so cold/immature
This was great. Watched to the end. ❤
Thank you for watching until the end! Your support means a lot ❤️ Is there anything specific you found particularly insightful or helpful in the video?
@@AttachmentAdam You took me into the mind of an avoidant like no other coach. "An avoidant who can come back for that discussion to try to resolve conflicts is one you can work with.." "Avoidants typically lack conflict resolution skills" is so true. My avoidant ex withdrew abruptly after our very first fight. It was so confusing because I thought we'd fight, make up and be in a better place - like isn't that what usually happens? That's how I started looking up attachment styles on CZcams. I made the mistake of diagnosing him to his face...no wonder he ran.😢 I wish I could get another chance with him - but I feel strongly that I can't reach out first. 😢 Anyway, thanks Adam.❤
I know you are saving lives Adam. You truly understand attachment styles and help people to heal and have healthy relationships. I loved this video especially the way you explained how avoidants think, so others can understand us. We are risk/pain/suffering averse. We only want to protect ourselves.
It hurts those that love you most 😔
@@nakitanash2189 We sincerely have no intention of hurting anyone. We experienced a lot of trauma. We just want to protect ourselves from any potential pain. It is not personal.
Thank you so much for your kind words! It means a lot to me to know that the video resonated with you and that you found value in the way avoidant thinking was explained. Your support and feedback are much appreciated.
@@Pheonix1111
I really appreciate that. I know.
I understand, and often the person on the other side has also experienced a lot of trauma. But the problem is, when you devote your life to someone, you've made a commitment and you have a family, and then you're left living in loneliness because someone isn't courageous enough to trust the person they chose to marry…
That's just heartbreaking.
Isn't the other person worth a shot? What is there to lose?
Just give it a shot…
The other person feels completely wasted and constantly has to toggle between deciding if they can live with this pain and loneliness or if they need to get themselves out of it…
That's sometimes how the people on the other side feel…
You know what I mean?
I used to work as a claims/risk analyst in a previous role and I’m a fearful avoidant 😂
I can definitely relate to a lot of what you say, I’ve been labelled as being suspicious by nature 😅
I have never imagined myself being married…. Never desired it. But hopefully as I become securely attached, I will be able to imagine myself being with someone who I can completely trust.
I think avoident people have the push/pull because they make want it but it gets overwhelming.
Hi Adam, thank you fir another enlightening video. Who are the 4 levels of trust you're quoting by? I find different authors on the Internet, mostly from the business sector...
“Ignore risk and listen to feelings. That’s what the internet told me …” 😂
That's it in essence. Your risk system is a trauma response, fleeing the defense. It really is fleeing from the self.
Hi Adam, where do you draw the line between someone who wants to feel appreciated, loved, emotionally availability but they not getting it from their FA because you mentioned something abt the anxious personality playing a game of being too nice and get resentful when they don't get what they want. I dont know whether I am anxiously avoidant or what, first time learning abt this. But for me, when in a relationship, I love hard, I want success for the other person, emotionally I'm available but what about me, because its a relationship right, what about what how I feel my needs in the relationship ??? Because I expect him to also show love, emotionally be available, make me feel special...? for example, I was hurt when he made no effort for my birthday? We are ladies and we like it when we made to feel special? So where do you draw the line ?
I am in the same situation and also want to know what Adam's take is on this ?
Ignoring your birthday could be an avoidant thing but it could also just be a sign of super low emotional maturity. If you want a partner who actually cares about you and makes you feel special on your birthday, go find him! But you’re not going to change this degree of neglect. You deserve happiness too. 😢
You need to COMMUNICATE your needs. Clearly. Adam has a great video on this channel about communication with an avoidant. Best video I’ve seen. “Good partner, bad partner”… watch it 😊
Can you describe when avoidant veers into narcissism?
He avoids this idk why but he dismisses the covert narcissistic title and said only anxious woman call people this
If you need help with anything discussed in this video, or if you’re looking for some of those resources, here’s the website: adamlanesmith.com/
How can you be consistent with a man who is inconsistent?
I don’t know if my ex-husband was an avoidant or a narcissist but he would make promises and not stick to them and was inconsistent?
So is a person supposed to be consistent with such people without just completely being a pushover?
Great question.
How long did you date before marrying?
@@deemart7397 hmm we spoke for around 9 months. We are Muslim so we don’t live together before marriage.
One of the main things Adam always harps on is values. It sounds like his values don't match yours, or he has a track record of not living up to them or honoring his commitments and being consistent. That is not compatible with what you want, and it's up to you to decide if that's something you want to continue to tolerate for the sake of whatever you are getting out of the relationship. Also, try talking to him (but I bet you already have). Make sure you have resources if you choose to leave him, though.
@@karasmusic123 I had spoken to him many times.
He would tell me he understands and make promises of improving. It would last a few days and then he would just go back to the same old or bring up a resentment from the past.
A couple of times when I said ‘but you said you were going to do this or that’, he even said ‘I didn’t mean it, I only said it so you wouldn’t leave me’ or ‘I didn’t think you would stick to it like this’
I tried counselling. I read two books on how to be a better wife. I watched a 12 episode from a religious scholar on how to have a better marriage. But I couldn’t make it work. I felt unloved and lonely.
So I divorced him and it’s been two months now.
He asked me to get back with him and I will be honest and say I felt flattered. He promised he would be different and it was such a loss to lose me. And we talked for a few days. But already I could see it getting back to the way it was.
So I completely ended it.
I don’t feel sadness about the relationship anymore. I do feel lonely but I was lonely in the marriage too.
Oh I have loads of resources (praise be to God). I have a supportive family and a great career. I’ve even moved countries in the last six months so my job has gotten better and I’m well established in my career thankfully. I’m making friends slowly.
Tbh these videos annoy me. I think their advice would work if both people put in the effort to do the work. But, I wonder how many avoidant do this kind of work? Or are even open to the idea of changing?
I think what ends up happening is that the anxious person just does even more work to try and improve the relationship and then stays for longer. And because the effort is one-sided, the relationship inevitably breaks down. But the anxious person has just wasted energy and time when they probably just should’ve left sooner!
PLEASE PLEASE! do one on avoidance woman. I am an avoidance female n I need help!
Hey there, did you see my earlier video on how to love an avoidant woman? A lot of women are telling me that was eye-opening for them. I also offer direct help in coaching. If you’re looking for fast assistance with a professional, you’re welcome to send me an email at support@Adamlanesmith.com and we can set something up.
I'm anxious... can you give me some examples on giving my avoidant room to track? And how to speak clearly and directly without him feeling attacked or criticized or like I'm using something against him?
They can! I dont stop believe…
Zizek says we want love without the fall, he's talking about Avoidants.
I’ve only recently learned about attachment styles. My ex was clearly an Avoidant man. Wish I’d known about this during our relationship.
Same here! This has cleared my mind about everything I have ever experienced. I feel I’m secure but I tend to get very anxious with avoidant men, the last one was such a cheater. Every time he detached from me he was already dating someone else and now I can finally understand he is a just dopamine junkie always looking for a hit.
It's great that you're learning about attachment styles now! Understanding these dynamics can bring clarity to past experiences. Looking back, do you see any specific behaviors or patterns that now make more sense in the context of attachment theory?
@@AttachmentAdamyes his need to separate, dealing with problems on his own, difficulty trusting me as always on the lookout for me to be mean to him, emotional inside but not externally etc…
@@Steff_FL Yes, I am dealing with same thing right now. Can't communicate with him, he gets upset, triggers, runs, "hits" the on line dating, breaks my heart over & over we go. Trying to be more logical and not get upset, my turn to hit the dating sites I guess.
same here. Anything he interprets as Hostile he runs. I can't take it anymore. thanks for your comments I don't feel so alone
@@sj2073
I am reminded of a time I was in a relationship with a woman I am presuming to be anxious attachment. She found this idea of “threat assessment” as you call it offensive. In her mind love absolutely had to be spontaneous. Is this an anxious thing, or a watched too many rom-coms thing?
This is very like my story. My avoidant partner said, stop watching You-Tube videos! I said, if it weren’t for them, we would no longer be together. I worked on me, I worked on understanding him. I can shrug off the B.S. when it comes.
I'm happy to hear you're doing the work. Why does your partner not want you to watch CZcams videos?
I want to see that adopt an avoidant ad now../I will remember you/
Married 30 years to avoidant man
So, how does it feel?
Congratulations on your long marriage! What are some strategies or insights you've found helpful in navigating your relationship over the years?
What made u last into 30 yrs?
@@EternalLove.1111 just too insecure I guess this was my first relationship and marriage
There has never been anyone elae he is all I know
Adam, after no contact for about 4 months would you advise someone with an Anxious attachment to reach out to an Avoidant that has learned to be more secure?
If honesty is inherently false, how can the avoidant shift out of mistrust? Is consistency all that is required on the part of the partner? And is the up to 2 yr timeline for trust applicable to partners?
It's my first time to have an avoidant partner, so before I learned about attacments styles, I thought he just didn't love me... I would like to understand him and I want our relationship to work...
Been married to an dismissive avoidant for 10 years, been together 19. I have felt as though he really doesn't love me/doesn't know how to love me/was never in love with me in the first place instead confused lust for love/or is he a covert narcissist/undiagnosed ADHD/ or is he just broken?? There's nothing more lonely than feeling so alone and neglected while in such a marriage. Nothing worse than unrequited love 😢
I'm glad you're seeking to understand your partner better! Learning about attachment styles can really help. Remember, you can reach out to me for guidance at support@adamlanesmith.com.
I've been watching your videos for the last couple of days (and nights). Fabulous news, even though I have degrees in biology and psychology.
I've got mild AuDD. Could you please expand on the the remark: ' ADHDers don't use their bonding systems.'
How about if like the avoidant dynamic is not exactly the way that you're describing it like it's a lot less about the person that gets triggered into anxious episodes, and more about the consistent lack of presence and communication of the avoidant like in the instance, that is their primary role and their primary behaviorshow to how to deal with that
I'd love to help. Feel free to send me an email at support@adamlanesmith.com
Great content... too many ads...
Adam, after 15 months in a long distance w a potentially avoidant career-minded guy I m drained with his very intermittent contact whilst feeling his pain being 200% in his job and being stressed and knacked all the time. He has the biggest and kindest heart, but was badly hurt in a prior relationship where he put everything in. Still felt angry if talking about it so he shutted off until he met me.
Whenever we are together it was amazing. But when we are in two cities he only texted once few days, or called briefly once two weeks. He would feel ambushed if I asked him where this relationship is going.
So I told him gently that I would prefer we go non exclusive to alleviate him from the stress of my commitment expectation.
He still feels hurt.
I am trying hard to move on but I found my heart is still with this adorable but challenged man.
What wd be the right thing to do?
Same question here!
Hey Adam, I am just curious why you assume many avoidant men are with anxious women. How common is it that both man and woman are avoidant? Or do avoidant people tend to not end up together?
It's more common that the avoidant and anxious attachment styles are attracted to each other, but it doesn't mean that's the only case.
First, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. If both partners in the relationship are pulling away and avoiding conflict, intimacy, or vulnerability, what would that relationship look like?
Why don’t DAs take levodopa instead of outsourcing ?
I test as FA but I can identify with the I am nice idea but as I lean secure, I don’t prescribe to the idea that I deserve something in return other than reciprocal energy. I don’t demonize people that don’t give back, I just expect respect. I was raised to care for others and cannot understand why everyone is always at odds and so dam defensive at all times. We live in a society don’t we??? WTF. It’s basic decency. I find avoidants I’ve dated and the last one who is the most avoidant of all are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and I’m can no longer handle the undue mistrust. It’s exhausting having to constantly defend my natural tendency to be kind and not expect anything in return. Maybe after 6 months of me not being anything but consistent they can start looking at themselves and question their misconceptions of ALL people. I am not a unicorn. I have 2 avoidant exes who in the past 6 months have opened up to me and expressed appreciation for how I was when we dated and one wants me back. One I dated 20 yrs ago the other about 15. It’s ridiculous. I tried hard to not have the most recent one not follow that pattern but it’s just to hard now that I know about attachment and he’s dug so deep into not being accountable or talking about his issues. He apparently thinks therapy is a scam, all while saying he has to fix himself. Make that make sense! And said multiple things when walking away from me that I feel was to make me feel insecure like, he’s a sex addict and he’s attracted to overweight women.. then spent the next few months hitting me up to “hang out”. Last week I had enough of this confusion and he’s yet to even give me the respect to acknowledge my message although the day before I sent him the text he liked an IG post I made! Again.. WTF. I never was overly anxious, I just wanted to stop being so confused. Early on he communicated more.. 7 months in he’d go 2 weeks without contacting me. I didn’t flood him, I let him be, I tucked my insecurities away, I didn’t immediately think he’s cheating, yes I have been cheated on by another guy I loved..I regulated. That’s why I stayed so long.. an almost pregnancy is what got him spooked.. no conversation, just a you deserve better text, then 2 weeks of silence! Then he says, he never doesn’t want to speak to me again, but feels I deserve a family.. okkk.. can we talk about that? What are the expectations we can both be comfortable with? Timelines? Fears?? Nope. He just checked out, and pushed friendship.
so sad. my avoidant love bombed then found tiny flaws with me and ran. broke my heart, why? it really hurts the way they treat people. then they have to live with the guilt
Assess risk all the time.
OK how about if its an fa & They are not operating anxiously on a daily basis, but in certain instances due to the severe avoidance, it's triggering and anxious like moments or reaction or episode that's you know, purely based on the severe withdrawal and lack of clarity and safety, that the avoidance behaviors demonstrating
Hey there, feel free to send me an email at support@adamlanesmith.com where we can discuss this privately and in depth - Happy to help.
It takes men up to 2 years to trust YOU??? How long til they can trust the woman they say they want to marry? (Our situation)
I thought for a very long time that a romantic relationship was the panacea to fulfilling all my needs... And then i noticed that i fulfill my needs for belonging, for meaning and for feeling useful and needed, throughout other means, like through my job and close community of colleagues and clients and bosses/mentors... In my day to day life i vasopressin-bond like crazy, naturally and without second guessing myself... but in romantic relationships! Jesus Christ... For some obscure reason once things become more personal and less professional, i become soooo clueless 😂 and like a 5 year old girl... Oxytocin bonding to death... leading me to being lonely and miserable af in the romantic department 😂 lol why can't i vasopressin bond with men once things get more close and personal ? I become super shy and lose all my means ! It feels so easy and natural in a professional setting or in a community ... i joke and tease a lot when flirting, but then i become red like a tomato and can't help but hide behind my arms, and even judge and blame myself, "I'm not that type of person", "What is he going to think about me" etc. And i go into regrets and remorse and overanalyzing everything i said and he said... vasopressin-bonding with a man feels really out of my comfort zone... but i want that type of connexion so badly ! Lol
Avoidant like me, step back and complete
yeah, i think this is quite relevant to me, me being an avoidant man. Heh, i keep remembering, how my ex-wife told me that i should think more about other people. I could not explain to her that i am thinking about other people my every waking moment (trying to predict how they will attack or insult me) and how ultimately exhausting it is, and i physically can't think more about other people. I still do. And i am very tired, i can't stop and i am grateful for this life being a finite entity.
Thinking about how other people are going to harm you is not what she meant. She meant that you were inconsiderate of her feelings and needs. You weren’t attuning to her.
@@julieholt7889 true, i was not attuning. I tried. I couldn't.
One question though.... would the avoidant person actually make you safer or would their selfishness make them more of a loss or at least a worse investment than what you would get from a secure man?
That's a very insightful question. Have you thought about what specific qualities you need in a partner to feel safe and valued?
@@AttachmentAdam Yes I would want a man who cares about my basic survival & would be there for me in an emergency, care as much about my safety as he does his own but the avoidant I've been dating is sort of jaw droppingly callous in this way & I don't know if that is an avoidant trait that can be changed or not.
It makes me feel afraid but also doesn't seem masculine. When I was first dating him though he would be there for me which is one reason I liked him.
I can tell you an avoidant woman probably can't ever be happy in marriage. I married one and her "happiness" was her sole reason for divorce. She said I was a good husband / father, the sex was good but she was "unhappy" and not "in love" anymore and didn't even want to try to make the marriage work.
It sounds like she had unhealed wounds that eventually came to the surface. How are you recovering from that experience?
I think its sad how your willing to help an avoident but kinda attack the anxious as if they are hopeless an the only one who needs to change in the relationship. How about we also learn how to love them an help them be healthy as well 😢 anxious aren't all bad. Learn to love avoidents exactly who they are, but anxious, your messed up, change.... But love your advice on avoident.
Please go straight to the point and talk and chat with others afterwards.
Avoidants will find faults and do not want to risk having to support but if you are useful and let go it works.