CAN AVOIDANT MEN FEEL LOVE?? - The Attachment Specialist explains
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- čas přidán 25. 03. 2024
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The way you described us FAs made me laugh out loud: "They'll run away or destroy the relationship. They’re the ones that will set fire to the house, dive out the window, kick in the door, apologize, try to put out the fire and then be scared that now you’re upset with them for putting out the fire or starting the first fire, so then they start a second fire to try and distract you from the first fire." 😅 Soooo true. It can be so painful and disconcerting. The negative stories you tell yourself are all true, and you must push the person away now - when really, you just want to push your inner turmoil away. As an FA, I wanted to add - we deeply fear betrayal and struggle to trust. So yes, someone allowing us to share is valuable, and we will open up more over time. Provide transparency (this is not about oversharing or no boundaries, just providing lots of context when possible), be honest and consistent.
You quoted someone “I think I screwed up with a really good person”. That’s where I’m at. I may be given one last chance and I’ve done everything to improve.
It's admirable that you're committed to improvement. Remember, there's always room for growth and positive change. If you need any support or guidance along the way, don't hesitate to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com
@@AttachmentAdam You’ve been so inspirational Adam. I am most likely getting married this year. I’m getting the ring in the next month and she already told me she wants to get married. You’ve helped me become a better person ❤️.
I am a psychiatrist and I think this information is gold. Your message is profound and impactful when it comes to the integrity of human relationships.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm thrilled to hear that you found the information valuable.
You just told me I am avoidant without telling me I am avoidant. Thanks Adam, I really appreciate you 🙏
Thank you, I appreciate you too. What was your 'a-ha' moment?
My bf definitely will not allow me to be cold or hungry or in physical danger. If he’s across the country and I go out he’s still sending an Uber. I think it’s really cute! 🥰 I make sure to tell him that he makes me feel safe because I can tell that specific phrase means the world to him, and it’s true! He’s still got a secure side though, as do I, he very much feels the oxytocin which is reassuring. He NEEDS to cuddle, he will cling to me like a koala on a tree to get as much oxytocin as he can. 😂 It’s like he was like “OH WOW!? WHAT IS THIS!??? I NEED MORE!!”
That's adorable! It's heartwarming to hear about your boyfriend's caring nature, even from a distance. Sounds like you two have a special connection! 😊💕
I believe avoidant men can feel love, just have fear of expressing it, or are challenged with how to do that
I’ve said this before but they have to hit rock bottom (like I did) to change. Once you realize you’re avoidant, you have to fight every instinct of it, and know the triggers, because we’re the ones that are fucked up.
@@Solaris501 what makes you hit the rock bottom if you don't mind me asking?
@@LorenaBerrenbaum realizing you lost an incredible partner and you can’t go on living like a lone wolf anymore. Then starting therapy and making yourself a great partner your first priority. It happened to me and I’m most likely getting married this year. And I will be the greatest partener.
@@Solaris501 aww 🥰🤗😘 that's amazing 😍😍 love to see this❤️❤️
As someone who knows multiple avoidant people in love the answer is yes. The issue then comes from the fear or love and the responses to both the fear and the feeling of love itself
WE NEED YOU, ADAM!!!!
Thanks for the support, I'm here to help! If you have any questions or topics you'd like to explore further, feel free to reach out anytime!
So if a DA does not oxytocin bond, does that mean they experience a goldfish moment? Every time they see you , they get a dopamine hit, then they forget about you and go looking for dopamine elsewhere?
Pretty much from my understanding.
even the dopamine hit will fade with time, then they act almost annoyed when they see you, unless there are other people around, then it will be a fraction of a second micro expression of " 🙄😮💨" like if they were to sarcasticly say in their heads " oh great, it's them" , to "😅😁" "oh hey I didn't see you!" . they do this because there are other people around, and they dont want others to notice, most likely out of fear of someone asking if everything is ok between you two, ( unless your not there then they will let loose and vent about you) eventually, it will turn into flat out disrespecting you no matter whoa around, because they have on multiple occasions told others that your the problem. it just keeps going down hill from there.
This triggered me and I'm so grateful for this information ❤❤Thank you
I'm so glad it was helpful! ❤
@@AttachmentAdam I understand him and I have soften my approach. Thank you again
Adam, I absolutely love how much you understand FA. You are so rare.
Thanks, I appreciate you. Did you have any 'a-ha' moments while watching this video?
Love is... consistently showing up... and actively spending quality time together.
Love that!
I’m literally LOL’ing from about the 6-8mins mark. That’s what I say 😆😆😆
Could you please make a video about avoidant people that are trying to manipulate while in relationship?
Interesting link between midlife crisis and avoidance attachment style (min. 17:35). This is what happened to my ex-husband. He could not feel any positive feeling or emotion and he was really angry, angry all the time.
@montserratpuebla4629 this is a growing phenomenon
I’ve been waiting for this one!! Can they really love you, or is it just “ caring” for you. Thanks
Glad you found what you were looking for!
Adam, what are the 5 levels of trust? Which video did I miss? Which one of your videos do I need to review to learn the 5 levels of trust? You said 4 levels, but it is secretly 5 levels. What is the secret 5th level?
What do avoidant men expect from love, from a loving relationship compared to a secure man?
It's less about expectations and more about understanding why they react to many interpersonal experiences a certain way imo
They feel love and they can receive it . They might have a different love language than you . Like mine is giving like cooking for you , taking you out ensuring you having a good day . But I think one thing it does not helping is that we are at a distance right now do to my job. But I think we are both working hard to make this work .
I'm happy to hear you understand your love language and attachment style. How has the long-distance relationship impacted you?
Thank you
🙏✨
Answer the question!!!!
Of course they can feel love. 🥰
Hi! Do you have a video on the four levels of trust?
My severe DA is so confusing. Extremely affectionate, says I love you, literally cries and says he is scared to open up… yet doesn’t get super emotional or vulnerable until he thinks I’m about to leave. I wish it didn’t have to get to that point. And I think he gets in his own way and puts so much pressure on himself to be perfect that he self sabotages.
Yes I can see you
Hi Adam! I wonder what your thoughts are on long distance relationships with 1️⃣ partner is avoidant (my bf / frequent traveler) 1 is anxious(me / I stay in one place)
I feel this reinforces my deepest anxieties and keeps my avoidant partner feeling safe, often at my expense. Also It feels hopeless when I’m constantly being rejected when expressing my needs on the phone at the end of the day and he sees it as an attackand immediately shuts down by saying he’s too tired to “fight” 😅
I feel fostering and strengthening trust and closeness with the physical distance is hopeless at times. I honestly am scared of hanging on, and letting go of the man I love and have chosen for the last year.
Is it exponentially harder and or very unlikely to foster deep connection with a physically distant avoident?
Yes
👍
See you
I can not deal with the deactivation anymore. It may go on for a month at a time. I broke his trust months ago and he is still holding it against me. I love him but I deserve better than being ignored
I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. It sounds like a challenging situation. Please feel free to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com. I'd be happy to discuss possible solutions and offer guidance to help you navigate through this difficult time.
I can
I can see you...idk if anyone else can
Also, my DA says, he doesn't believe what others tells him (when he receives positive feedback). So, I believe that's basic lack of trust?How to shift that?
You have to learn, through study and contemplation that there could be a different reality than the one that you are perceiving. Then you learn what behaviors will create the different reality and you are coached or learned through a community how to exhibit those behaviors and create different results with people. That's what will eventually change your experience.
So you start by learning about it, accepting it, be willing to try something new, practice trying something new until you get what that means and get it right, benefit from the new behaviors. You're changing, your relationships are changing
Why do avoidant men see life dictating their relationship instead of their relationship flows with them through life ?
I feel mostly secure until something triggers that feeling of unfairness or untrustworthiness and then I feel so unsafe to continue that relationship. I feel they will take and take and never give back what I need because people are takers and I know I’m a giver. Even with another giver it can be triggered. I can still like them as a person but I don’t feel like I can trust them. Fine for a casual acquaintance, not fine for a partner relationship
Someone around you who, according to you must be a taker since everyone else is a taker, is actually thinking of themselves as a giver and imagining that you're a taker
@@nakitanash I can assure you that no one has ever mistaken me for a taker. Not only will I never ask for anything, I won’t accept things when offered.
Looking like you are putting the time in at the gym ! Nice work !
Thank you for the compliment! Do you have any wellness routines or hobbies you enjoy?
@@AttachmentAdam jujitsu, sauna, short walks, laying outside on the grass with no shirt on. I know that last one sounds hippy ish but it will make you 5x stronger.
So if an avoidant reaches an oxytocin love, then they may likely not leave one day??
What are the four levels of trust?
I have another question. How difficult is it dor the avoidant man when his love language is acts of service and physical touch? He doesn't like to be randomly touched though. He mentally freaks out if random people in a social setting. He will express himself if it happens more than once. Calmly at first (as to not make a scene), then more aggressive.
Can avoidants repair their oxytocin levels? Will they always predominately function on dopamine and vasopressin
I wish I knew what love is.
I can't see your screen, but the AI is presenting a good impersonation of you.
Does every DA love solitude? I feel I thrive when I'm able to assess things on my own and not being clouded by others. That's how I've figured out that I have attachment issues but idk if the struggle of forming a bond is worth since being alone feels great most of the time, and the times I've felt a "bond" with someone just made me loose control and focus on my feelings and goals so it just made a mess of things
You sound exactly like the guy I want more with, he loves his solitude too, every time we get closer he’ll then pull away and keep me at arm’s length again, especially after we’ve had a great time doing something, lots of laughter and it’s easy. It’s like that scares him more than anything ☹️ so I’m left in limbo all the time with someone who keeps their fingertips on me but can’t ever give me a true hug and make me feel wanted 😢
I know he cares a lot about me but if he’s never brave enough to give things a shot it feels cruel to keep me around. I have been mirroring his actions lately and that has helped me keep a healthy distance.
Why do DA get into relationships? Seems they get in them only to doubt it and rationalize disconnection from the very person they worked to get into relationship with… I am truly confused as to what they even are looking for or expecting out of relationship
I'm the child of an avoidant man with all the trappings that come with that including attracting this kind of partner and I'm curious what you think causes this personality ?
There are a lot of factors that cause the avoidant attachment style such as early childhood experiences with caregivers, constant unfairness and betrayal from loved ones, the biochemistry and hormones, and much more. How has growing up with an avoidant father affected you?
Do you have good test to figure out what attachment style you are?
Yes, if you head over to my IG @attachmentadam and click the linktree (or here on my homepage) look for the 4 attachment styles guide
I would like to know, can avoidant men be in love with someone and not choose them? For example, choose anyone and everyone except for the one that they love? If so, what are some of the excuses they use for not choosing the one they love?
I don't think it's "excuses" because that sounds like simply a person who doesn't want to take responsibility. I don't believe it's that, but rather that strong feelings can stir up the biggest fears, and ones internal warning system goes off flashing warning "escape right now and run for your life!" Kinda like having a panic attack.
When you over sensitive over feel you become very defensive! The other person walking on egg shell!
I hear you! It's important to find a balance and communicate openly to avoid misunderstandings.
My avoidant says he doesn’t know what love is, but often says, “I’m right here.” Not said in defense just in kindness. Is that a version of I love you for avoidants?
You're lucky that he doesn't say "I am here now" in a really monotonous voice before pouring coffee on the laptop. In that case you would be dating Neil Breen.
yeah same. he says „you have my heart“. never I love you. he does not know what love feels like. I walked away one month ago, been together for almost 5 years. I realised, I dont want to live lime that for the rest of my life.:/
@justin Yes it is. Also I care, I miss you, you make me happy, etc
I think it was the Greeks who had 22 specific words for different types of love, that we only have one word for.
Do both partners feel that oxytocin bond? Or usually only one gets " addicted"?
I always felt I had some strange connection to my avoidant spouse I am anxious. I've never been able to figure how to explain it,but when you talk about the oxytocin bond it's like a light bulb.
It really depends, high levels of cortisol could block oxytocin. And avoidant people often don’t relax into the bond to get that release either. The goal of becoming more secure is partly to get more oxytocin.
I am 95% FA and 5% Anxiously attached. I am capable of feeling and expressing love thanks to my being an animal communicator/whisperer. My mother truly hated and abused me. But I was/am able to hug/love animals, and they hugged/loved me. My cat would even defend and protect me from my mother. My mother was shocked when my cat would defend me from her. Animals are much smarter when it comes to love than humans. Animal parents do not abuse their children. Yes, animals actually do feel love for one another and for humans. Animals are basically predictable and trustworthy. Human beings are NOT automatically predictable or trustworthy.
The true issue: is there a safe human being who I can safely love who will NOT intentionally hurt me and actually be fair with me?
There are always people who are angels in this world, the empaths, those who have been through horrible mistreatment and allowed the suffering to make them into better, more conscious people, because now they understand what others go through.
Love for the avoidant seems so scientific and thus unromantic😢.....
We're all complicated in our own ways, don't you agree?
Can avoidants get triggered by mid life?
I screwed up a relationship at 43 because I was avoidant. I hit rock bottom and have done everything to change.
Yes, I do work on that quite often with my male avoidant clients, they feel completely unfulfilled halfway through life because their relationships are lacking. What makes you ask?
Better to be feared than loved.
What makes you think so?
@@AttachmentAdam It's much safer if people respect or fear you because they'll never try to harm someone they're afraid of.
yeah, lets dance around avoidance...why don't you advice them to go to therapy before even thinking about relationships!
The purpose of this channel is to help people with avoidant attachment. Anxious people can sure work on themselves first too, as I find anxious very quick to point a finger and criticize, when they aren't secure attached either. We can all work on ourselves and have empathy for those who have been through horrible traumatic experiences. Children don't deserve it, and sadly it shows up in adulthood. People want love and not everyone realizes that their subconscious trauma messes up everything. That's why we need channels like this so we can find out why things fall apart, and try to resolve it.
Men need to be taught by Rabbis …
Yes