Can Avoidant and Anxious relationships ever work?? Only when you do THIS
Vložit
- čas přidán 11. 06. 2024
- Join this channel to get access to perks:
/ @attachmentadam
If you enjoyed this video and want more content like this, do me a favor: be sure to hit that like button, leave a comment, and don't forget to subscribe to the channel!
Share it with your friends, and hit that notification bell so you never miss an update. 🛎️ Let's grow this amazing community together! 🚀
Work with Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist:
adamlanesmith.com/
adamlanesmith.com/courses/
adamlanesmith.com/single-sess...
The 4 Attachment Styles Guide - Free! 📥
adamlanesmith.com/the4attachm...
If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
www.amazon.com/dp/B07S33YGJZ
Connect with Adam on your second preferred platform:
Instagram: / attachmentadam
TikTok: / attachmentbro
X: / adamlanesmith
Facebook: / adamlanesmith
I calmly said “I was hurt (when you did this)”. He said, Oh, the same old s***. I told him, calmly, that calling my feelings “s***” didn’t help anything and wasn’t helpful. So I didn’t get upset, but still didn’t deny my feelings and stuck to my guns. 2 1/2 years and we’re good.
Being calm is one of the greatest weapon dealing with them if they feels like you are trying to control them they shut down and when they come back say to them I understand and I respect their way and the communication door Will stay open
Yesterday my Avoidant called me "a girl" and I corrected him cheekily that I'm "HIS girl"
He then brushed it off, saying "I wouldn't go THAT far."
I'm just so weary of this. I need the pain to go away. I've been experiencing literal tightness in my chest all day knowing that no matter what I do or say, I simply do not matter to him.
I’m so sorry and I feel your pain. I wouldn’t even dare say that to mine because I would get that same response. And then I would be afraid that for the sake of my dignity I would need to leave. Always dancing on eggshells. The right thing to do would have been to say, “what am I doing here then?” And leave.
Mine can’t even say “I love you.” anymore. When I asked if didn’t want me anymore he said he absolutely does and that he adores me and I’m very special to him. I know it’s likely at least partially a cultural thing, because he’s Indian and I’m white, I don’t think his family says “I love you.” very often, but it’s still super painful. I keep giving into sex even though it was a boundary for me never to have sex with someone who doesn’t love me, I feel like he still does to some extent, but I wish I could hear it too. The sex is very intimate and he shows immediate concern if I so much as look uncomfortable, like I guess I made a face that worried him last time and he gently cupped my face and asked if I was okay, that moment was worth it even though I felt a bit used after. I feel like he’s hiding me and has kicked me out of his life so that when he leaves me fewer people will be attached to me and hurt by it, and the people in his life who are already attached to me will have had time to become less attached.
Oh my god the "tightness in my chest" literally I though only me feel
I know how you feel. I'm so tired of being sad.
This guy doesn’t care whether you live or die. Drop him and find a better Man for you. They are out there.
Hi Adam, you are wonderful. Congrats on the new house and please move another foot forward from the wall. The corner and back shadow is difficult to look at.
Advice for you anxious people, maybe avoidant too (I’m both), LIVE IN THE NOW. A lot of anxiety that drives the amplifying and spiraling panic sensations are projections of future possibilities. Like, is he going to leave me is he going to cheat I me is he going to break my heart? Is she going to betray me is she going to want commitment and steal my savings is she going to scream and cry when I say no to something she wants? Ok, if none of that has happened yet, then do not start imagining those things. They are the opposite of feeling safe, which is what both people want. Safe is secure. Safe is predictable. Safe is mutual understanding. But safe has to be built, slowly. Enjoy being with each other. Build the good times. Relax. Live in the now. Nothing is ever guaranteed and you can’t control another person. Just try to find information that can help you decide whether this is someone to invest your time in. That’s the most important part of building up to commitment.
😂😂😂”it can’t always feel like a Viking attack and it can’t always feel like a car hitting a deer.” 😂😂😂 I’m dying 😂
Don't die there is hope believe me and another thing the Advodiant man got to have so mutual feelings for you and some respect it will work if he is the right kind of Advodiant
There’s a time and a place for a Viking attack, but it’s not every night! 🤣
I LOVED that one! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Absolutely loved the reference to the John Delony quote ("Behaviour is a language"), it has been my go-to in filtering out avoidants in the online dating market who breadcrumbs and future-fake! Take your passion out, measure their commitment, and trust your (healed) gut when you start feeling dis-repected, un-appreciated, unheard, and distrusted.
I am the anxious person but I never was reciprocated so I don't know what the hell was going on that I never cut the cord
@@raybeshara1403 IF you are anxious, it is even more important that you do Adam's Secured Attachment Bootcamp. Especially when it's on sale.
I am a Disorganised style who lean anxious, and his course (in combination with the 3 date method) helped me build a game plan and a community needed to screen out insecure women. Even have people in my communities help me with dates.
Us anxious daters cannot help but be empathic and go "all in, all the time" fast, in unless you lay guardrails to protect yourself you are in for a world of hurt with the wrong type of people. If you don't plan head, youwill be dating people who have literally spent a lifetime living the type of life that will make yours a hellscape.
Thank you for your content. I want to learn everything I can so I get to stay loving my avoidant partner...I'm the anxious one.
My boyfriend just got your book for me for my birthday. Both committed to work for eachother ❤.
You've helped us tremendously already, by showing us how to.
Thank you!!
Ohh and very refreshing to understand and mention that times are going to get tough and we need partners that can resist the stress of things that will be coming our way. Very important to mention and perhaps if appropriate you can expound on that sometime.
Dang it! I didn’t get the live notification. Hopefully I get the next one!
😂😂😂😂Thank you Adam. I’m so glad I can laugh about all of my faux pas I made, as a person with previous anxious attachment, with a previous dismissive avoidant twin flame. I made all the mistakes, we need to talk with flames of hell burning from my eyes, chasing lol… He was the runner. We’re slowly moving into secure attachment. Self love & worthiness were the main missing ingredients. Also, BIG THANKS for explaining the critical pieces about dopamine & cortisol & risk language. This is awesome & makes it so much easier to communicate, from a place of peace & compassion for him & my inner child vs judgment, demands & fear… This journey has become majorly interesting, which is a welcome shift from need. Life is becoming filled with passion, since I’m learning to source love, peace & joy from within! Here’s to life!!!🙌🏽
Thank you so much for your content. Glad to see you blowing up Adam. I can see you have really put in the work. God bless you and your family.
I think I'm slowly healing so that I can hear what you're saying about acting and being secure. I've been practicing communication with my parents, it's been incredible. It's empowering and feels really good to be able to say what I think and feel. Even though things still come out with tears and sobbing, but I'm learning. It's almost funny now that I think about it later. Your ideas and teaching is so helpful. Sorry I missed the live stream. Bless! 😊
Dang I wish I could have seen you were live! I recently found you and subscribed and I’ve been bingeing every chance that I get! I hope I can catch you next time to ask questions hopefully 😊
Welcome to my channel and thank you for your support. Happy to have you here! Make sure you turn on the notification bell to get notified the next time. See you there!
Caught the tail end of this, watching the beginning now. Dr. John Delony is great, his show is how I found you - he mentioned you in an episode with someone who expressed interest in attachment and I’ve been watching you since!
Congratulations on your success! I appreciate your videos very much!
Thanks for all your support!
Anxious
Ok so I tried for 2 months with this guy getting to know him and then had the logical, investment talk 2 days ago just like presented in the videos. I studied and rehearsed. I said to him I can take care of my own feelings, this is what I am doing to manage my emotions. He came back the next day saying he does not have time to invest and the word "investment" scared him. Ahhh so tired of dealing with avoidant men. I have been studying your material all month and that is what happened.
I think he wasn’t ethical avoidant. Just manipulative one. Ethical avoidant man would appreciate you speaking to him this way.
@@agnieszkaweronikajakubowsk6671 Ya possible. Also he might not be ready for a relationship and is not willing to make time for one. I am still working on discernment. Thank you for commenting!
In my marriage my husband said to me . Your articles back home after being away for three weeks is eagerly anticipated!!!! My emotional reaction was WTF??? Our marriage was void of emotions and verbally and emotionally abusive .
Which is why I ended it !
Then healed for a year or more .
Became an avoidant / anxiety attached . Crazy right ? Only to draw the Same to me . How can I heal if I am split ?
Still doing my research for improving my issues and needs. :) I'm anxious, he's ethically avoidant. I'm waiting until 10 months (at just under 6 months now) before I see if my avoidant wants to attempt a true relationship or not (before anyone jumps in, we're complicated with knowing each other for 25 years and we have an 18 year old together - this would be a second try after nearly 2 decades apart. I don't mind waiting). The funny thing, I've been trying to translate my teenager's needs to him, so he's understanding my needs too since both teen and I are ADHD and anxious - and he's applying those same things to me which has been DELIGHTFUL.
We are all working together to be more secure ourselves, be open in talking without judgement or requirements. And it's been wonderful to see how things have been developing.
So happy that things are working out and I encourage you more to keep working on this relationship. it's thriving!
@@AttachmentAdam thanks, I agree but it's shocking to me be still 😂 I just know more "interaction" on the watchers' side helps your algorithm 🤭 thus.... Hi! 🥳
Avoidant
Daaaang I missed it.
13:20
Hoping you can make more videos in how to date an avoidant. Not in a relationship so I can’t ask for “30 mins a night before bedtime”
Can you PLEASE make one for anxious men and avoidant women? I was a disorganized avoidant, healed to secure, then started becoming anxious and suddenly I feel my avoidance resurfacing little by little every time she pulls away or does what feels like a communication bait and more and more I find myself having to intellectualize the reasons I want to stay with them.
Communication was only consistent and 2 sides until maybe date 3 and ever since I am the one that always has to initiate.
❤
❤ 💐
Ugh I missed it. I had a question. Maybe you’ll answer here: I’d love some more specific examples of asking for what you need/want from an avoidant. I am secure and I enjoy giving myself these things BUT I really enjoy receiving them too esp from him. I’d like for him to invest more in me/us by getting me flowers or a gift or giving compliments. He has mistaken this for being needy but it’s not that I NEED them, I just want them and they’ll help make us closer 😊
I'm an anxious woman with a avoidance guy
Very common dynamic - one of the most common in the world. How is it going?
Ethical disorganized
Short answer; no.
wish would have know this 20 years ago...tho she might not had have the right tools at that time...
It's understandable to wish you had known these insights earlier. The important thing is that you have it now, and you can use it to improve your relationships moving forward! What specific tools or insights have you found most helpful so far?
@@AttachmentAdam probably that we use different languages. I was always considering the risk of certain behaviors in the future. It did not help the fact that she was also on the BPD spectrum.
I'm curious if being too spontaneous and indecisive results from having an avoidant attachment issue. I like your saying that guys should be brave enough to ask for dates but my guy is over spontaneous on this, sometimes he would ask me out only a few hours ahead or even when he is already nearby. But he was not just doing this to me, he was doing this to everybody, including to his grandmother, and to himself. I don't really like this pattern, but it might be really difficult to fix since it's so deeply rooted in his personality already. Today I am using your strategy of "clearly specifically quantifying my needs" and "asking if this is fair", still waiting for the outcome.
How can we tell the difference between avoidance and autism?
I am so disappointed that there is nearly NO INFO on this topic here in Poland 😥 I'm the anxious person, my partner is the avoidant one. I'd really like him to listen to this but he can't understand so advanced English and it's too hard for me to translate simultaneously:(
Tell me how I could help you in this matter.
Znam Polski i jestem coachem. Mieszkam w USA. @certifiedcoachjournal
Im so sorry I missed this live. My avoidant and I have been broken up for a little over a year. He ghosted me. We sometimes text on fb messenger light hearted things. I plan on texting him on Sunday for Father's day. What else can I say to him to try to get communication started??
@@SK-no2pp good question. We were friends for 20 years prior to this 10 year back and forth. Part of me misses that friendship
Great talk, Adam. Do you have any videos please on how anxious people can learn to emotionally regulate themselves…?
Can an avoidant person change attachment style?
Absolutely. Feel free to reach out if you need help with this.
Unorganized 🎉😂❤
I'm anxious, but not as anxious as I was 4 years ago as I have been doing the work necessary to make me more secure. My boy friend is avoidant and he isn't doing the work yet, but he is keen and willing to investigate it.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I'm so glad to hear it. If you ever need guidance, please don't hesitate to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com