Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids with Dr. Laura Markham
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- čas přidán 30. 01. 2023
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We all want to be the best parents we can be for our children, and show up for them in ways that will positively nurture their development to grow into responsible, happy, and considerate kids. While many parenting books are inspiring, we can often feel left hanging a bit, and think “ok, but how do I implement that?” Enter Dr. Laura Markham
Dr. Laura is a clinical psychologist, mother, and founder of online resource Aha Parenting. She’s the best selling author of two books “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids” and “Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings” inspiring parents every day with practical content to choose connection and coaching over punishment and control.
In this episode we cover:
- The foundational principles for a peaceful home & raising happy, considerate, and responsible kids
- Does gentle and respectful parenting create weak and entitled children?
- What’s wrong with strict parenting?
- How to connect with our children to build a stronger, sweeter bond instead of struggling for control
- Specific examples on how to respond in tough moments with kids
- What is the source for sibling rivalry?
- How to stop the fighting and raise friends for life
- Does respectful parenting take more time and effort?
- The secrets every parent needs to know about saying “no”
WHERE TO FIND DR. LAURA MARKHAM
Website www.ahaparenting.com
Instagram / drlauramarkham_ahapare...
WHERE TO FIND ME
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Get my ebooks: www.ellenfisher.com/ebooks
My instagram: / ellenfisher
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You are gentle enough. You are useful enough. Your children will survive if you have an off day. In fact that’s a way more balance version of reality for them to live in. You do not need to fix everything for them. You do not need to process their every emotion with them. Let it go. Yes there is always room for improvement, but do not let parenting gurus make you feel like you are not enough. Lot’s of love ❤️ ❤❤
Thank you!
Darling, I just need to read it today. Thank you so much❤
❤❤Thank you
Needed this. Thank you.
Absolutely, such an important reminder! It's okay to have off days and not be perfect all the time. Dr. Laura Markham's insights on peaceful parenting are all about finding that balance and showing love and understanding. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! Lots of love back to you too! ❤️
This is so important. I hid EVERYTHING from my parents when I was a teenager and felt more afraid than connected. I craved that connection and really went down a bad spiral for many many many years. I used to beat myself up over the choices I made but now as an adult I see I was just searching for that connection…anywhere.
I’m a mom of two toddlers now and all your episodes are extremely helpful :)
Please tell me exactly what made you feel you needed to hide things and craved connection?
I’m a parent and grew up emotionally abused. I’m trying to be very intentional.
@@ninifire4282 my mom was very reactive and I was more scared of getting in trouble than anything. My parents just never tried talking to us about anything and just would get angry anytime anyone made a mistake. I also understand they were just healing from their own childhood traumas the best way they knew how.
😭 My inner child and my 3 boys thank you Ellen and Dr Laura.
This is NVC. Non-Violent Communication, a model created by Dr Marshall Rosenberg. I came across Dr Laura Markham 8 years ago when my girls were 4 and 8. I LOVED what she was saying and KNEW I had found how I wanted to parent BUT in those moments of conflict everything she was saying disappeared from my memory. I couldn’t remember what to do. So I couldn’t implement it. Later I discovered NVC. Again, I loved it. I wanted to use it for my disagreements with my husband but, again, couldn’t remember what to in the moment. Lately, my husband and I have begun each morning reading from one of Marshall Rosenberg’s books each morning and FINALLY it has sunk in. Finally, I can utilise it in the moment. You may find it useful to explore NVC because it gives you four steps to move through to resolve a conflict. Dr Laura demonstrates them but doesn’t give them the names used in NVC. So it’s very hard to access in the moment. The steps are: 1. Observation 2. Feelings 3. Needs 4. Request. I loved this video. Thank you so very much for hosting and posting it. Dr Laura is gold. ❤️
Thanks for sharing your experience and insights! It's amazing how different parenting and communication techniques can really make a difference in our lives. Dr. Laura Markham and Dr. Marshall Rosenberg both offer such valuable tools for creating more peace and understanding in our relationships. Keep practicing those NVC steps - Observation, Feelings, Needs, and Request - they can truly transform how we navigate conflicts. So glad you enjoyed the video, Dr. Laura is indeed gold! Keep shining bright ✨🌟 #PeacefulParenting #NVC #CommunicationGoals
This episode is so beautiful - was very therapeutic for me as someone who was raised in a “conventional” way and hopes to raise my kids in a more gentle way. Thank you Ellen for all the positivity and love you bring to the world
I'm a strict parent, and I'm definitely seeing the behavior in my teenager. It's been rough journey 😔 it's hard to change.
Oh Ellen, you did it again. Such a gentle approach to talk about something so important. Thank you for bringing Dr. Laura Markham to the show, I am amazed and overwhelmed. To me, the biggest take out is: the new era is made at home. A new era of loving, caring, gentle, honest and conscious beings will exist when we get down on our knees and be just like that to our kids. And with that we might even cure our own inner child. I saw myself in the many of the examples mentioned on this episode, and how I wish I had had space for my feelings, and felt so safe around my family... So much would have been different... But its not late for my 2yo and my soon to be born baby girl. LOTS OF LOVE AND MANY THANKS TO YOU
Wasn’t expecting how personally healing this would be to my inner child 💕
That's amazing to hear! It's so powerful how working on our parenting skills can also help heal our own inner child. Keep up the great work on your journey to peace and happiness! 🌟 #healingjourney #innerchildwork
I've been having some tough parenting days lately. I was looking for something to help me recenter and reevaluate my parenting strategies and found this. Thank you!
Ditto
This is why I’m here as well! Listening now🥹
Hey there! So glad you found this video helpful. Remember, we all have tough parenting days, but it's all about finding ways to recenter and grow. You're doing great! Keep up the good work! 💕 #ParentingJourney #YouGotThis
Im so ashamed of my parenting. I hope that these videos can change this and help me heal myself and my littles 😢
😢
Oh my god, Ellen, you have no idea how much I needed this episode
I love Dr. Laura so much and literally google “[Whatever parenting issue] Aha parenting” all the time haha
I love that you normalize the fact that these scenarios get significantly harder with each child you add to the scenario. I felt like I knew all the things and then adding a crying baby in the background, once I added my second son to the mix was roouuugghh! Basically it’s learning, re-evaluating, and practicing self compassion all the time ❤
Also I keep editing this but I love what she said about getting more relaxed with each kid-made me lol-and I have never heard that before about the oldest child having it the hardest with all your neuroses being worked out first with them-so interesting!
This episode was so helpful. One, for me, in remembering to be gentle with myself. I am now a single Mama. The 2 kids see their Dad, but he and I have different parenting styles. I am finally realizing that, instead of worrying/ trying to control how he parents, even just me practicing gentle/respectful parenting will help them. I will be gentle with myself when I have an off moment & will always come back to repair. They are two beautiful little souls, and I am so lucky they chose me for their Mama.🌟💛✨️
I love Dr. Laura Markham and keep recommending her book to everyone. 9 years ago I read Peaceful parents, happy kids and implemented the strategies and I am so grateful for that 💓. The hard work and extra effort that I put in during those early years of parenting are really paying of. Now I am refreshing my memory in preparation to do it all over again :)
I'm not even a parent, but I did just start a nannying job and I found this so enlightening!!
This is amazing!
I'm pregnant with a baby girl. Something that came up with me and my friends is the topic of sexual abuse. 1 in 3 women are sexually harassed or abused in their lifetime. I'm so excited for a girl but I'm already scared of putting her into the world.
I'm really curious about how we can raise awareness and children and what we can do to protect them and give them the tools to know how to protect themselves. This would be a great topic for a podcast! Because even if you are a perfect parent, you can't always guarantee everyone will treat your children right. I'm wondering how I should approach this with my girl as she gets older. Much Aloha! 💛
This was my biggest fear when I found out I was pregnant! I was hoping it wasn’t a girl because I am a survivor or serial abuse. I have a son now and it’s my responsibility to teach him how to treat women correctly, and what not to do 🖤
10:05 omg yes, I never heard it put that way but it’s so true. When I was younger I acted out SO much, not because I wanted attention, in fact I DID NOT want anything to do with my mom. I felt alone, like I had nobody but myself. I was looking out for me and only me, and I could care less what she wanted of me because she had pushed me so far away at that point.
Wow. I’m so grateful for this podcast. I definitely fall suit to fearing my child acting out in public, instead of realizing, hey maybe they have a need I haven’t met before going into public in the first place. I’m also learning that the more children I have, the more I realize that affirming the child almost always works when trying to shift a less than desirable behavior.
Amazing, inspiring. I love how Dr. Markham goes into specific vivid examples that really bring the concepts to life. I'm watching this on repeat!
This episode is a gift! I’m sharing with everyone! Thank you!
Also, sometimes the whole talking ad nausuem about everything is really tedious and honestly frustrating for kids. Kids genuinely like clear boundaries. a rule: such as “no hitting” that is enforced consistently is more comforting and clear than a hour conversation about your feelings and the child’s feelings, and the universes feelings… that is comforting to the PARENT who doesn’t want to feel ‘mean’ but can really trespass on the boundaries of the child. When they know they have broken the rule a talk about “feelings” is not pertinent. I was a child who experienced this form of parenting, and it was maddening, hurtful, and quite frankly enmeshed.
When your brother hits you, and that is against the rule. He deserves punishment.
If instead he gets to have a cozy talky time. And nothing is ever named as actually “wrong” it goes against the inner sense of justice.
The truth is sometime kids are violent, or hurt others on purpose, and it’s important that they eventually reach a boundary and are told that it is wrong.
Instead of digging, and digging for a “feeling” and a “reason”. The kid who committed the injustice needs punishment, even if it’s just a five minute time out. That is cleansing to the relationship.
My mom did this talky talky thing with me when I hurt my sister and we still do not have a relationship today because she resents me for the way that I got away with doing mean things and my mom just would talk “oh it’s so hard for you….”
I should have just been punished and made to repent and made to apologize to my sister.
I also felt out of control as a kid because of this “gentle” talky talky parenting… I felt I could never find the boundary. And it was terrifying to me.
Don’t follow this teaching. It is literally the recipe for creating narcissists.
Thank you so much for putting out content like this!! ❤
I had ugly feelings towards my 6 months old tonight.....
Such good timing with this podcast!
This was an awesome interview, I feel it relates to the book Hunter Gather Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff that i’m reading right now. Awesome advices.
We have to give space for the child to feel a part of the family, to become a helper, do his part, have that connection and explain differently rather than give orders and punishment etc.
Thank you for this. My family doesn't have the best connection or had even a strategy to help with sibling fighting. I have two children and I don't want them to have our dysfunctional same sibling relationship. I love my first born son but he does share a feeling of being not liked or loved. Thank you for this so I can repair my relationship with my first born.
I’m reading Peacful Parent, Happy Kids right now! Great timing for this podcast episode. Thank you!
I have a just turned 2 year old and am 39 weeks pregnant. I love the concept of positive parenting but thought it was more permissive and have seen first hand it being permissive rather than true positive parenting.
This was such a beautiful explanation of positive parenting, it came at the perfect time. Thank you for this 🩶
I’ve been watching your gentle parenting videos for years and constantly educating myself on gentle parenting. This collab was very helpful for my future parenting too, thank you for bringing quality people to the podcast❤
I adore Dr. Markham! Her website and books are my parenting bibles! Thank you so much for having her on!
The America society needs some good reconstruction to how to raise children! Just like going to school is crucial to mental development! We leave out the emotional that parents need to raise their children! What would America look like if all parents pick parent classes and are required as they enrole their children and get a signed certificate! Or use incentives! If parents take parenting classes ! 😊 our mental hospitals are full, and if America had even parenting classes in high school, they would be somewhat equipped ❤ going out in the real world
This episode was incredible, and I so needed to hear it. Thank you!
Please did somebody make a transcript of this episode? I would love to highlight many passages to remeber them
Such an incredible episode Ellen, thanks for covering this topic.
This is so so so good!! Ellen, thank you so much for this. So much hold in here! I’m feeling so much more prepared to help my little ones!
I'm super excited to listen to this!
This is so important!
Great episode! Thank you Ellen and Dr Laura
Just finished this ! And wow!! Thank you for having her on your show ! So insightful ! Loved this !!
I’m so happy I watched this!
The absolute best parenting podcast I’ve heard in a long time!! Thank you!! No I need to re listen and take notes!
I got so excited reading the title of this ! I loved her book . Grabbing some coffee and listening . Thank you ❤❤❤
BEAUTIFUL. Thank you for sharing this with the world Ellen.
What an amazing conversation and so very helpful!
This episode helped me so much. I sent it to many of my friends and family. Thank you so much! Ellen Fisher your podcast is 10/10.
You're very inspiring, Ellen.
This was great! I've listened to other podcasts that talk about this same approach to parenting but not cover nearly as much information and not go into as much detail. I've really liked learning about this style of parenting, but was still confused about some aspects of it. Dr. Laura made it so clear and easy to understand. I'm definitely going to read her books
The absolute best podcast I’ve listened to on my journey so far!
I needed this. Thank you!!
I have read Dr. Markham's Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids book and always love and appreciate her advice; I enjoyed every minute of this podcast, thank you!
Wow! So cool! I love Dr. Laura Markham! 🤩Thank you for this amazing episode!
Very informative and helpful, thank you 🙏 ❤
This is incredible.
Siblings without rivalry is a great book to get into more depth about siblings. To add to the conversation- comparing siblings is what magnifies rivalry. There are occasions where it’s good to explain to the kids why the exact treatment cannot be given to every sibling at every time.
Wow this was so good. And that is an understatement. So much that she addressed was super helpful and I definitely needed to hear this. Already shared it with a friend. Excited to start working on this with my kids
Wow! I think this is the best parenting podcast I've ever heard! I feel so much more equipped after listening to this. And I will definitely be looking more into her work.
So spot on Ellen and Dr, thank you so much for this. I believe that you really do get better at parenting 🤗❤️
This was such an amazing podcast!!!! For the first time listening to real examples and play out what to do when things dont go “typical”. Such a valuable bit of information !!!!!! Thank you for this!
Awesomess !!!
Amazing podcast Ellen and Laura ♡ you are both so radiant and loving ! Thank you for your advice ☆
Yes yes yes 🙌 such an important listen!
Wonderful podcast.. Great wisdom from Dr. Laura..Thank you for this learnt alot..
Love you Ellen you are such an inspiration soul❤️ iv been watching you for many years and you always make my day a better day love you all the way from Australia 🇦🇺 ❤
This woman is amazing
Thank you . Thank you for providing real life scenarios and how it should be handled. Very helpful ❤
Ugh I wish I could pick Dr. Markham’s brain. She really does offer some of the most practical solutions. The situation she talked about with trying to juggle dinner and fighting and meltdowns would be very triggering to me. I would love any advice Dr. Markham had about how to handle the energy and noise level of kids if you are very prone to feeling overstimulated. I would just have a mental breakdown in her dinner scenario.
I would love to hear Dr. Larry Cohen on the podcast, Ellen! I have found he has some amazing advice for every situation too. Very practical like Dr. Markham but always focused on how to make life more playful.
Amazing video! Thank you! Invaluable information 👍
Brilliant . Thank you so much
Might be my fav one yet ellen!
Thank you so much for the compassion comment at the end, I needed that 💕
I needed this 😭🫶🏽💫
Oooooo my inspiration for raising children AND my favorite CZcamsr🎉❤️💃
Lovely 👪
This makes so much sense my baby is 5 I want to be better. Thank you for this!
Amazing wow
Hey Ellen, it would be amazing if you would do a podcast with michaeleen doucleff. I would love to listen to a conversation with the 2 of you!
Oh my god!! This is like finding free gold. Wow. Thank you so much. ❤️
P.S. I would love to see an interview with destini.Ann who has a really similar approach.
Just wow.
This is an amazing episode. 👏. This spoke to me. Thank you so much. I needed this.
I’ve seen this picture: while mother is affirming - I see you want that speaker, and I wish you could have that and bla bla bla, the kid meanwhile totally destroyed someone’s speaker. 😂 That’s a nice example of discipline!
@25:00 important
Pleeeeeeeeeeease, I would love a spanish translation of the video and books!!! There is so little translated for parents in Latin America..
"It's not a mistake if you learn from it."
What would you suggest doing when my son threatens to hurt me (slam the door on me or roll the window in the car up on my head) because he’s not getting his way (I told him I would need to come with him to walk him to the line for his first day or school but he wants to go on his own like his big brother. Even after telling him I can keep distance so I can watch him but he can do it mostly on his own. He didn’t like that and threatened me. He’s starting jk in September). Or in other instances, when my son is angry with me he will hit or squeeze me with his nails.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation:
00:00 🧒 *Children's behavior is guided by setting limits while connecting, not making excuses or being authoritarian.*
01:26 🚫 *Without setting limits, children don't learn self-discipline or make choices; authoritarian parenting doesn't foster internal discipline.*
02:38 📚 *Dr. Laura Markham promotes peaceful parenting, emphasizing connection and coaching over punishment and control, aiding parents in raising competent, considerate kids.*
10:51 🛌 *Parents' low moments often stem from fear or unmet needs; self-compassion, acknowledging mistakes, and self-regulation are vital in parenting.*
18:21 🤝 *Peaceful parenting involves connecting with and coaching children, creating an environment for their growth, and parents self-regulating to offer support and guidance.*
21:37 🧒 *Acknowledging a child's feelings helps them express themselves without harm.*
22:48 🧠 *Acknowledging emotions helps regulate them, reducing harmful expressions.*
24:54 🧠 *Reactivity in children often stems from how they've been treated.*
29:21 📚 *Gentle parenting involves guiding children toward appropriate behavior.*
38:08 🤝 *Discipline involves helping kids prioritize what's important to them.*
54:07 🤔 *It's important to avoid blaming the older child immediately in conflict situations between siblings; understanding each child's perspective and needs helps navigate such situations.*
56:25 🤝 *Managing conflicts involves calmly addressing the hurt or upset of the child who's been harmed while creating space for them to express themselves.*
58:02 🗣️ *Assisting a quieter child in expressing their feelings after an incident helps them develop self-advocacy and confidence in standing up for themselves.*
59:25 🤗 *Acknowledging a child's feelings, regardless of their expressiveness, fosters their ability to communicate emotions and navigate conflicts positively.*
01:01:56 🚫 *Avoid immediately blaming or shaming a child in conflict; instead, calmly describe the situation and guide them through the implications of their actions using a non-confrontational tone.*
01:02:10 🤔 *Acknowledging a child's feelings when they're struggling to stop doing something they want to do can help them open up about why it was difficult to stop.*
01:03:36 🤝 *Encouraging a child to express their frustrations without blaming them creates a safe space, preventing pent-up emotions from leading to negative behavior.*
01:05:00 🤗 *Validating a child's emotions, even when addressing an issue, strengthens the parent-child relationship and encourages open communication.*
01:06:25 🔄 *Redirecting impulses rather than stopping them outright can be more effective in preventing certain behaviors in children.*
01:12:39 🤝 *Facilitating a repair between siblings involves acknowledging the harm caused, empowering the offending child to contribute to a solution, and validating the resolution.*
01:20:56 🤝 *Picking sides in sibling conflicts worsens rivalry; not picking sides is crucial to prevent feelings of being unloved.*
01:22:18 📚 *Parental influence on sibling relationships extends beyond discipline; closeness with each child diminishes rivalry.*
01:23:13 🌟 *Even in large families, making each child feel seen and loved individually reduces rivalry and fosters connection.*
01:24:39 🚫 *Saying no with empathy and setting clear routines minimizes conflicts; acknowledging a child's feelings helps them handle emotions better.*
01:35:43 💪 *Reframing power struggles: Recognizing that it takes two to engage in a power struggle, parents don't have to attend every power struggle they're invited to.*
01:40:15 📺 *Parents facing disobedience might need to evaluate their approach; standing behind what's said is crucial.*
01:41:22 🚫 *Shutting off screens requires understanding their addictive nature; offering alternatives improves compliance.*
01:43:00 🛑 *Implementing "no" effectively involves standing firm yet empathetically, avoiding shame or guilt tactics.*
01:44:11 ⚠️ *Threats can escalate situations and weaken credibility; follow-through or connection-based approach works better.*
01:49:12 ❤️ *Tailor parenting approaches to a child's individual needs, acknowledging their unique love languages for effective connection.- **01:40:15** 🚫 "If your child ignores 'no,' check if you're standing behind your requests and offering support."*
01:41:10 📺 *Understand screen addiction; aid in turning off screens by suggesting enjoyable activities after.*
01:43:00 🚸 *Turning off screens can provoke meltdowns; enforce limits firmly but empathetically, avoiding shaming or punitive measures.*
01:44:25 🚫 *Avoid habitual use of threats; focus on the tone of 'no' and reinforce it with connection and understanding.*
01:49:12 ❤️ *Tailor parenting approaches to individual children's needs, respecting their unique "love languages" for effective connection and bonding.*
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I like the idea about listen to kids and not rushing to shame a kid for their action. But as a Christian women, I believe kids need to learn the difference between tight and wrong. Not telling them they are wrong as a person but it's OK to let them know when their actions are wrong
That’s the reason why I don’t agree to married someone cause age, etc.
Who can keep learning from useful research, corporate with right people and know how to respect individual, etc. are more important.
1:06:49 no means no!!!!!!
The question is do she have kids herself?
yes she does, she has two adult children :)
Imma let this lady finish but… I’m five minutes in and she has a very “passive aggressive” vibe. That creeps me out. Of course I don’t think yelling and hitting is good, but I wonder if the “smiley” pretend “everything is fine” vibe is equally destructive because it’s dishonest. Maybe better to show that the behavior really does displease you than to lie and deny the truth of your anger and make fake “happy faces”. Seems like a form of gaslighting. Or a way to habituate the idea that emotions such as anger are not okay. Because you deny that you have it and shove it down.
I just know that when I meet people who want to deny their negative feelings and always out on a fake smiley face, that instantly puts me on my guard, I want to scream: “Just be real with me.”
But, I’ll keep listening. I’m trying not to jump to conclusions. Her voice and the fake baby voice that she talks with just ran chills up and down my spine.
.
This is such a good episode Ellen. Thank you so much for this exchange on such hard topics in parenting. 🤍