Why Most Parenting Advice is Wrong | Yuko Munakata | TEDxCU
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- čas přidán 5. 05. 2019
- Parenting books promise to show people how to raise happy, successful children, and in the process to reveal why each of us turned out the way we did. But the science of child development tells a different story about how parents influence children-a story that may shock, unsettle, and ultimately reassure anyone who has ever been a parent or a child. Yuko is a Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at the University of Colorado Boulder. Her work investigates child development and environmental influences on children’s thinking, using behavioral, neuroimaging, and computational approaches. She is an elected fellow of the Association for Psychological Science and the American Psychological Association. Her work on child development has been funded by the National Institutes of Health since 1998, and has been published in top scientific journals and featured in The Atlantic, The Today Show, and Parents Magazine. She co-edited two books on brain and cognitive development, and co-authored a computational cognitive neuroscience textbook. She has received awards for research, teaching, and mentoring. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
Children might grow up in the same house, but NEVER the same home. I have 3 children, a 12yr old, 6yr old, 10mth old. These children are unique of course, but the critical point is IM a different parent to each of them. They will by definition have different childhood experiences because they have not lived the exact same time line as each other. They have not experienced the same experiences. Parents DO have a massive influence. Be mindful. Be careful. Be loving.
Her main point is to be loving and not focal point on all aspects as direct correlation of your child’s future
This is an example of cognitive dissonance, wavering but nonetheless you cannot accept your role isnt magical
@@Myeyesburnbabyburnhow did you determine that
Wow 👌 👏 nicely said...my wife and I have a 16 yr old 11 yr old and 2.5 yr old and I am a different parent to each of them...ty for saying that..
"You have influence but you don't have control." whoop that was so spot-on
single mothers are a biblical plague - Jesus
Yeees, so true! 💖
No joke
agree
Hey, I wonder if someone can explain what "control" means in this context.
I never read any book, articles, watched videos, about parenting. I took my children one day at the time, respecting them all the time. Never yelled at them, or call them names, or criticized or judging them. My grown-up son told me a while ago, "you were a very good father. You gave us a lot of freedom." My approach was just the basics: without freedom, there is no respect; without respect, there is no love.
I can assume then that your children are mentally physically phsycologicaly and emotionally healthy and without addictions? I thank God for parents like you.🙏
Nice approach
That's because you were raised right and got good parenting skills from your parents
This is my approach too. All My friends who do the Strict parenting thing have so many constant issues and day to day struggles with their kids all the time we’re With them. I’m raising my kids with more freedoms and “so far” there is nothing but an abundance of love and respect in our household. Will that change? Maybe? I hope not though. If it does change…freedom is also the best bargaining chip and I can take it away at anytime…but only as a last resort.
@@donaldothomoson sounds like you should treat that like it’s her problem and not yours.
I don't want to "blame" my father, but the abuse I had to endure was definitely not my fault. It was all his.
"Stop blaming your parents, at least for the idea that you are defined by them." She's not getting rid of fault or even influence, but redirected the control from the abuser in your situation.
"Parenting is about loving my child today, now."---beautiful
single mothers are a biblical plague - Jesus
@@robertwarner1160 Repect
Love is unfortunately not enough, I recommend to watch Gabor Mate in this issue.
Loving is like one leg of the table, there are other important aspects of patenting besides loving.
@@rc.... but loving is the first aspect and the rest follows.
"appreciate how powerful the moments can be because of what they mean for you and your child right now, not because of what they mean for your child long-term, which you do not know."
Oh my- so simplistic... Let's just say that the trauma that parents inflict upon their children has a PROFOUND EFFECT.
Sounds like you speak from experience. I'm guessing you parents YELLED...lol
Jeff w- As both a psychotherapist, and as a person who was once a child (lol) I have a lot of experience with this topic! But no, my parents did not yell.
@@lynnmckenna9934 Do you follow psycho"analysis"?
TLDR is not that you have no control over the outcome, it's just that your kids will be shaped by unexpected things from unexpected places and they will copy you in a myriad of ways you didn't foresee.
Hence no control
Some people don't deserve children. I am so resentful for my parents abuse I'd almost rather I wasn't born by them. It makes me ashamed.
Praying for you tonight for healing. God bless you
There is always a reason. If you were born in that family is to teach or to convey them something
@@breezypaul thank you, things between my parents and I are better and I dont see things this way now, but I can easily say the time I posted that comment was the worst period of my life
@@halflifeguitarist4224 Happy to hear that. I understand totally. God bless
I hear you. Ghost those mothertfuckers!
She has alot of interesting points, but I found it a little one dimensional. She didn't touch on how abusive or neglecting parents will affect their child's development. I am certain that if my father wasn't so cold, manipulative and emotionally demeaning I wouldn't struggle with depression and low self esteem today.
Exactly! Got to take this with a pinch of salt.
I think she meant that different children can grow up in the same household with the same experiences and parenting and be completely different. I have three siblings whom of which are completely different from me. We had the same experiences... we all have different outlooks and perspectives. I have zero addictions, while they both suffer with addictions and their mental health. It can shape the development of a child, for sure, but it doesn’t control the child. I think that’s the complexity of the science and trying to figure out.
my parents are Javanese. Indonesia. pure blood. I am four siblings. and we are different. My first brother, a scholar, graduated from Al Azhar University, Cairo Egypt. my second brother. working in a japanese company. toyota. my second brother, graduated from the best university mechanical engineering in Indonesia. businessmen and I became pharmacists. with a pharmacy. different children. different minds. Javanese parent so lenient. Yes.
Thank you for sharing. She did have many great points, but they are all the tips of some icebergs and she doesn't delve deeper in this TEDx talk. She did touch on the fact that your struggles aren't just from one source, but may be from a great many sources. Liken your dad to the butterfly and his behaviour to the the wings flapping. They have influence, but no control on how you'll turn out. You are the summation of all your past experiences, some more influential than others. All the best for your future and your family's.
Maybe... But what she said is that your father didn't choose to be that way so that you would be unhappy.
I wonder how we can square her main conclusion with the fact that parents’ socioeconomic status is the most consistent and powerful predictor of children’s academic success.
My family is Dutch and German. I'd say that both sides focus more on raising happy children rather than self-reliant children.
Thanks youtube for recommending this video for me. I’m a mother of a six-month-old 👦 I literally shed tears when she mentioned her would-have-been doomed first baby👶🏻 The biggest takeaway I get from her experience is that love my child as if tomorrow he was gonna leave...
Parenting isn't hard --- you give children boundries and love. This gives children security - and that is what they need.
The thing we've found the hardest is being woken up every 2 hours for the last 8 months :) But I imagine every parent's experience is different. If both parents have to work that must be hard. If you are a single parent then I can't even imagine what that would be like.
@@davec8473 why are you woken up every two hours?
@@StephanieTips Our little one likes to wake up every 2 hours to have a snack and for comfort.
@@davec8473 at 8 months old a baby can sleep longer as she/he doesn't need a snack every couple of hours. They can also be taught self-soothing techniques to fall back asleep without assistance. Dana Obleman is amazing when it comes to newborn and baby sleep consultations. A child needs longer stretches of sleep after 6 months and you need to get your sanity back. Look into her work :)
@@StephanieTips Will do thanks! Yeah we have decided to look into sleep training. There are so many different types of advice and opinions out there it's difficult to know what's best. But yes, for our sanity I think we have to try something. Thanks for the suggestion!
This also seems to assume parents treat all their children exactly the same which is 1000% not the case
yes, like golden children doesn't exist
Or the scapegoat who is always at fault.
From Kasia Ogórkis 🌼🌻💜
Its both nature & nurture. An apple seed will grow into an apple tree, that is nature, but how and under what conditions and environment it grows can influence how fruitful and strong the tree grows. Not all siblings are the same, and thats why they all turn out differently in the same environment. In the comments it looks like many parents now pat themselves on the back and will carry on just as they are thinking nothing is their fault.
I think her whole conceptualization of “butterfly” and “hurricane” is essentially about accepting the truth that while parents have an affect/influence on their children, there are a lot more factors outside of our control that affect how our children turn out
I feel like if I wasn't raised by a bipolar drunk and I was raised in a normal household I might be a different person today. I'm not saying she's wrong I'm just saying I think me and my brother could have had a better chance indifferent circumstances.
Yeah she kinda lost me a bit when she started asserting that if siblings were raised on the same block but in different houses, they would still be the same people as if the were raised under the same roof... there was no source providing or references cited... I get skeptical when a person refers to authority or anecdotes... she tied it together kinda nicely in the end but there were a few assertions in there that certainly raise an eyebrow or two...
@@WillPhil290 I think what she was getting at was how different siblings become no matter if they were raised the same. It’s not that a kid would become the same person no matter who raised them, but that siblings can be so wildly different as if they were raised totally differently, even if they were raised by the same parents with the same parenting style. It is a testament to the individuality every child possesses no matter how young they are, and that they can be very different from a sibling.
Yeah exactly. This was a frustrating video to watch because it's like she's saying well kids are going to be the way they want to be or are destined to be no matter if they're raised in your home or the neighbors.. like what? I had a friend who's father was alcoholic and there is a long history in her family of alcoholism.. she decided she would never be that kind of person. She was a hard worker, didn't drink and was going to the university at the same time. Now her siblings.. different story and all had issues with alcohol. If those kids had been raised by families who loved them and were THERE for them... this stuff wouldn't have been an issue whatsoever. I found this really cool guy maybe someone will like him. Will link below
This one is about parental stress and the impact on kids
@@ingridkincaid1187 I can’t see a link. What searchwords do I need to use to find it?
My sister was wild and a difficult child so my parents beated her and abused her. I was a calm quite child and would do everything not to upset my parents, I was still beated and abused because I was just a punching bag. The emotional abuse was even stronger towards me in order for me to get a "reaction".
I am sorry you had to experience that. I hope that you can see that you are strong to go through all of that. So is your sister. We all are different.
What might be added to this theory is that our job as parents is to be as aware as possible to the qualities of each of our children and to respond to them in ways that best meet their individual hereditary makeup.
I like this individualized approach instead of a one size fits all. But to respond differently, would require training that none of us have. How do you know how, when and to whom to respond? It’s so easy to become a parent but it’s so hard to become qualified enough to know what you’re doing 😂 I started looking into parenting and let’s just say I’m more confused than ever
@@TB-rx1ue you don’t need special training. You just need an open mind and a willingness to get to know your kids. Much of the time they will show you what they need. There are also lots of different books and theories on parenting. If you read them, you’ll have a big mental database of tips that work for some kids. Then you get to know your own kids as individuals, and based on their needs, determine which tips might be best used to support them and their development, or whether they need a different approach entirely.
@@angolangel I’ve known too many that learned from their mistakes but only after they messed their kids up for life. Early experiences are very formative and hard to undo!
@@TB-rx1ue I don't disagree that early experiences are important and formative. Stakes are high when parenting, no question about that. But what training would actually help you? Parenting is a relationship. It is as complicated and a simple as that. You have to get to know your kids, and give them what they need to thrive. They will tell you/show you what they need. The kids provide the training. But parents have to be present enough to see how their parenting is affecting their kids, and open minded enough to adjust accordingly. A lot of people get it wrong, but enough people get it right that it is clearly not impossible.
@@angolangel id love to know different schools of thought on parenting styles... pros and cons of each, and for what type of kid what style works best. I don’t like the trial and error approach as I’ve seen kids messed up for life. A kid wants candy, love, and not going to bed. 😂 you have to not listen to the child but do what’s best for them to creat well adjusted adults. But the how is not as simple... everyone is almost evangelical on their parenting style. What signs do you look out for that your style is working? You can do the same thing to two siblings and get entirely different experiences. Some kids find tough love beneficial while others grow up fearful and mistrustful of authority etc. How do u know what their experience is? I hear the argument that well, I turned out fine so it doesn’t matter. Well it does. What could have been the alternative?? My parents had 9 kids and let’s just say the first few were guinea pigs until they figured out what works. Lol And you can tell the difference! Last kids are more secure, less defensive, more confident etc. I don’t want to make the same mistakes bc I doubt I’ll have 9 to experiment and improve on
"I'll raise my kid the way I want cause I know it's for the best even if they hate me"
NEVER HAVE THAT MENTALITY that will ruin both the lives of you and your children
I don't expect i will cry at the end of watching this.. :(
As a divorced dad, the feeling of not always being there for my boys can be overwhelming. It can be very hard to lose focus and try and anticipate the proverbial hurricane they’re becoming. Thank you for reminding me to love my boys in the moment and stop trying to worry about things that aren’t in my control.
You do
I know exactly how you feel.
Check out the tred talks on the importance of father's. We are underappreciated by society and mother's
@@jeffw9313 Of course you guys matter! Your children know this and that's all that matters :)
Holy God this shattered me, and helps me build back with that sentiment - it's about loving him today, now. Thank you for spreading your wisdom, even when it has come from such a hard place. Thank you.
I think what I've learned most from this video, is that, parenting has simultaneously a lot of impact and no impact at all. You could be the meanest parent in the world and still end up with a caring and kind person as your child (and vice versa). We have no idea how our parenting is going to affect our kids. However, how much respect and care we give to are our children might just dictate how mentally-okay they are in the future. So, love your child, treat them with kindness and respect, and spend every day with them like it's the last.
My parents were extremely neglectful and verbally abusive to me and my siblings. This has led to some pretty serious mental/emotional obstacles for me. Yet I go out of my way to be kind and compassionate to others. Caring for the people in my life is very important to me, perhaps because I know how it feels to be hurt by those closest to me. Whatever it is, I certainly was shaped by my parents but didn't end up just like them.
Thank you for this. Your knowledge is enlightening, reassuring, and shows great resilience.
WOW! I've NEVER heard a parenting talk in this perspective. BRILLIANT!!! THANK YOU!!!🙏🏼🙌🏼😊
i got chills when her voice break, dear, thank you for this
No, I won't stop blaming my parents for being abusive.
Right ? This is crazy what she’s saying
She’s enabling abusive parents it’s sickening
This is about individual strengths and weaknesses, personality traits, etc that we are all born with which determines how we will cope as adults. I think it’s far too simplistic, I understand it’s a ted talk which limits the time available to discuss this, but even with that this is extremely simplistic and somewhat patronising. “Don’t blame your parents” this is an unfair thing to say to people who have grown up in despair and abuse. While they may be born with their own unique coping habits they will absolutely be effected by the way they were raised. Every single child benefits from being being raised in a secure and loving home. Maybe the speaker is using this as a baseline and assuming we will do the same, but it should have been discussed. Parenting does matter when it comes to abuse vs security and love.
Yes, it also matters of sense of boundaries
Absolutely. She completely ignores the topic of abuse and neglect, the traumas that result, and how that shapes one's development.
Oh, my god, yes.
Blaming our parents won't heal our trauma. They can't give us something they don't know and experience themselves. What she said after "stop blaming your parents" is telling: "at least stop thinking you must be defined by them." We are adults now. We have the ability and power to heal ourselves.
@Delilah Faye Makeup sending you tons of love!
An beautiful speech, an emotional rollercoaster and a path forward that is as clear as it can be for now. Thank you!
The speech is giving a huge pass to narcissistic parents that already think they did a great job with their kids when they were manipulative, neglectful, physically emotionally mentally abusive the whole time they had their kids.
See...!!!?? Its not my fault 😇
I guess I saw it differently, I feel like what she's saying is a child is going to be either highly influenced by what you say or not influenced at all based on how they feel about you. They may not take anything you say as truth or law. They may hate you for the way you are, on the other hand if you are manipulative and abusive another child may want to please you so much that they end up growing up not liking themselves because they realize that they could never get anywhere that way. It is all in the child's way of perceiving a parent. Some children are extremely rebellious regardless of what kind of parent they have, some children are obedient to a fault. It is just how human beings are. We all grow up messed up no matter what because we are all imperfect.
Bless you dear. But I don't think she at any point did it. You either didn't get the whole thing or it overwhelmed you.. she's aiming at even more important things and the most important is love you kids, in the moment.. I have seen parents often trying to control their children life either by their patterns or their lack. So I completely get her point
I always wondered how siblings could become so different from each other while still growing in the same environment. Thank you so much for such an enlightening speech.
But they didn't grow in the "same" environment. Your siblings are not you, you are not your siblings. Siblings see each other and therefore make different choices because of that. Parents also teach differently because of that. My parents made so many mistakes coz I was the first child while they insisted they were correct, so they treated my brother very differently. Parents also have biases, they might like specific genders, looks etc, and therefore treat each sibling differently, so technically no children grow up in the "same" environment.
1. Because there is no such thing as “the same environment “. At the very least one child has a younger sibling, the other has an older sibling. That alone creates a world of a difference. 2. Because by nature they are not identical. As such they cannot be treated in the exact same way.
The environment is different.. it doesnt remain the same the moment a new member appears in the family.. the whole equation now changes as your first born is now elder to some one.. so now the parents can choose either of these possibilities...1. either parents give the elder the responsibility of the younger or 2. they give power to the elder over the younger one..
In any case the younger one can never grow in the kind of environment the elder one did.. so they will grow up to be different..
All this Because the choice the parents made..
It’s true! I don’t think two human beings in one household could be as different as our 8yo and 11yo are. 😂
“Don’t blame your parents,” yeah, the verbal and emotional abuse my parents put me thorough definitely made me need therapy for years. One of them told my suicidal brother to “stop lying for attention and just do it” and I think he has some trauma from that. But yeah, totally not my parents’ fault...
Thank you! I thought the same thing. Trauma shapes EVERYBODY. there are parents that are extreme nightmares and are your biggest enemies. What about narcissistic parents who have a golden child and a scapegoat child. One gets love and attention and the other one gets blamed for everything. I don’t think parents raise their children the same way.
I guess what she means was although parent could alter the shape of their children, it's not as easy as shapeing a playdoh. School and neighborhood also give a hand in it.
Parents are like our first tour guide that introduce the world to us. Yet a bad tour guide would make a trip very terrible and never want to go out anymore.
You have to let go of the pain before you can move on. Holding it in you will just make it worse.
But some people come from those situations as stronger, and some can never let it go. Both people are shaped by the situation but the outcomes are very different. I think that’s the point.
I don't comment much on CZcams, but I see an opportunity to help. I don't know for sure what she meant by "Don't blame your parents." What I do know is that focusing on their guilt won't improve your life. I was beaten bloody for a learning disorder I had no control over and manipulated by a school system that treated my handicap like a moral failure. That's the short of it. Forgiving an offender is a process. The first labor you have to perform is developing self love. That can take a long time. Self love can't be based on success in life. No one "deserves" love, but everyone needs love. Need is the basis for worthiness. Don't think of worthiness as deservedness, or entitlement. There is nothing inherently shameful about need. We grow to be ashamed by being denied what we need. That is why we feel so angry and disenfranchised. That is why we begin to hate ourselves and others. So, learning to love yourself, to feel worthy is the first step to healing. Paradoxically, learning to accept what the offender has done and to feel compassion for them is essential to loving yourself and forgiving them. Remember, even if you could make them pay for what they've done it will never repair the damage inside you.
"Don't blame your parents" means recognize the power you have today to take responsibility for the outcome of your life. You and I cannot guarantee ourselves worldly success, or a life free of trials and regrets. But we can learn to love ourselves and others in spite of our failings, or theirs. A life of love is the only happy life there is. Now to be clear, forgiving someone who hasn't changed does not mean you need to get close enough for them to hurt you, or those close to you. That wouldn't be self love. Take back your power by not becoming the thing you hate.
I don't know, I never understood why some people think that violence will earn you respect, why shouting or stern rules will earn you the love of a child. Maybe, they didn't even want children. Maybe, they wanted their children to suffer through what they did. Or maybe, they don't know what to do? Human can be so... so weird. I was raised in a lovely household with loving parents, but I know that not everyone is that lucky. There is such a thin line and once you damage a child you cannot undo that and if then only very very slowly. I am not even having a child and yet I worry of becoming too careless or too careful, too much or too less. I would want my child to be proud of whom they are, to be kind and have a sense of what is fair and what not. Sure, they may be things I cannot control. But what if I lose my patience one day and get loud? I would feel so bad... see my dilemma!?
So beautiful!!!! Thanks so much for keeping us grounded!
What can we do?
1 11:49 know that parents matter
2 12:00 know that how parents matter is complex and difficult to predict
3 15:28 appreciate how powerful the moments can be
Parents should do the following
1 Give kids the fundamental feeling of security and love by the age of 5, when their brains get programmed.
Lack of this is known for the cause of personality disorders.
2 Understand kids’ feeling and communicate
3 Protect them from serious damage
4 Teach kids very basic, fundamental level of ethics, moral, tenacity, common sense and empathy. Don’t overdo it. Just very basic level.
Especially 1 and 2 are the most important.
The only intervention by parents that has been shown to have impact is reading them stories and to take them to museums parks zoos etc. Beyond them let them be themselves and find their own personality indepdently. Meddling too much messes them up
Agreed! Less is more in parenting! Love them, hold them, teach what you know and without further expectation... let them fly.
Agreeeeed
@@sleepsmartsmashstress740 do you know anything about developmental research? Despite what Yuko Munakata is saying, there is an abundance of real research that disagrees here. Parents have an enormous effect on their children. For better or worse. That is, parents living in desperate situations (stress, drugs, divorce, disease, not enough money and time) will likely have a detrimental effect on their children. I can't believe that people actually think parenting has little effect on the child. Look up Donald Winnikott, John Bowlby or Albert Bandura for starters-child development starts from day 1.
For what its worth, I think Yoku does not believe that parents have little effect on their children, but that its hard to predict how they affect them. So if ones kids were to be raised by a drunk, homeless schizophrenic, the parenting outcome will surely be different from one in a caring home.
Agree
As a new parent the stress you can feel when you believe everything you do can impact your child in the long term is extremely hard even when you feel you need to be happy and positive. Thank you for helping shed some light on what is important. Appreciate how powerful the moment can be because of what they mean for you and your child right now not because of what they mean for your child long term which you do not know. I won't forget those words. Lots of love to all the loving parents and kids out there 💖
I know how you feel about that. I felt that way with my first daughter but i still didn't listen to advice. Unless i ask for help. Because as a parent we have to make our own decisions and not rely on every one else
@@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690
I'm confused and wonder if you misunderstood 🤔 I believe I do listen to advice, otherwise this comment wouldn't be here. If I need help im not afraid to ask for it. And just because people want to tell me things I didn't ask about doesnt mean im too proud to listen. I get to make my decisions about what impacts me and what I use that knowledge for in my life. And at the end of the day the knowledge I gain from keeping an open mind and listen to others can be extremely beneficial. But I do worry about raising a person in this world to be competent, caring, and happy is the hardest job and you can lose the joy in it sometimes.
@@SadieJaneLutz i understand. I was just saying if you lose sight entirely and just take all advice that's also bad. I personally would never take mother in law s advice because we hate eachother and both her sons have issues. She doesn't listen to feelings except for her own. So if you have a person who is like her. Never take advice because they just want control
@@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690
Good advice 👍 it can be hard to stand your ground and understand the relationships in our lives and how they can impact not only us but the people around us.
@@SadieJaneLutz thanks
Im a mother of 2 daughters and i absolutely hate when people try giving me advice on how to parent. Thank you for this . Its beautiful!
Is it?
I love to receive as well as give advice.
@@Allaboutteaching i don't
It is foolish to generalize advice about child rearing as they are all so unique and there are no shirts or pants that would fit every child It has to be customized and no one really knows how to do that very well. We can all try however . Giving advice is certainly foolish as even the parents are in need of constantly changing the game
@@sleepsmartsmashstress740 well said 👏
@@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690 Thanks My mom raised me well I guess
Oh, so touching and inspiring!!!
Thanks a lot!
been feeling down depressed since very young and tried to live with it all my life surviving serious episodes with my MS and knowing the importance of mental health I feel alone in a country where depression is not understood or taken seriously. Live with suicidal thoughts every day wishing would be courageous enough to end my hurting being way too painful to take. Where I am now (central Italy) depression is considered not important or serious and the person is left to live with it suffering too much. I admire you a lot and wish could be stronger and smart like you. Thank you for sharing your story and have a serene and merry Christmas. The US is lucky to have you there so close by :)
This is powerful and inspirational! Parenting is to do your best.
this is mind shaking.
Amazingly and positively “creepy” talk..... thank you for putting into words my feelings...
very moving indeed....
I took this speech's messages with a grain of salt. (As everyone ought to.)
Incredible TED Talk, extremely powerful and informative presentation, many thanks to Mrs. Munakata for creating this presentation.
Wonderful speech!
God bless him, your son❤️
Outstanding lecture! Her voice is so calming and relaxing!
"You have influence but you don't have control" my mother should see this.
I am crying for your pain, choking on the idea while hearing the message.
She is half right because whats she is describing is personality, you can never change personality but for her to say your parenting cant effect your child is bull. Abuse or neglect can effect your child or letting them think they are the boss and much more can effect their life. So theres 2 different things
Thank you for helping me be a better father. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Thank you
I love her composure! Just like her husband, I have a different take away too. My take away from this is, ‘Effective public speaking looks like this - ethos, pathos, and logos.’ I want to be like her when I grow up.
Ok yes I get her point. But there are parenting methods, that are damaging to children's mental health. Abuse obviously (sometimes done with the parents best interests at heart) but also modern parenting methods like cry it out, punishment, denying kids feelings, etc pp. These won't shape your kids character but can make them grow up to adults with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, distrust in people... And so much more.
So yeah, love your child and don't torture them in the name of parenting.
Is crying it out when purposely let your baby cry?
@@friendlyghosthost1830 yes.
@@Sky2Mina oh thanks!
Yes, these things absolutely can shape your kid's character and turn them into horribly abusive, repressive people just like their parents were. Parents absolutely do shape their kids' development and this lady is insane and an abuse enabler.
Wow! I really needed to hear this! Thank you!
We fully support this! Great Ted Talk
Excellent. What a beautifully structured and wrapped up speech.
Studies in behavioural sciences have managed to ascertain the correlation between different parenting styles and the acquisition of prosocial behaviour among children. Scholars drawn from various social sciences and sociology have continued to study to understand better the connection between different parenting styles and prosocial behaviour in children. Different parenting styles have been identified that parents use to guide their children into the right behavior. The most popular parenting style includes the authoritarian. A notable general issue in parenting is that different parenting styles effectively facilitate the development of prosocial behaviors compared to others. Findings from various studies conducted in this area have revealed that authoritarian parenting style negatively affects prosocial behavior in children. This discussion focuses on reviewing the available literature on how the authoritarian parenting style affects prosocial behavior in children.
Parenting style can either be aligned to the aspect of responsiveness or demandingness. According to Carlo et al. (2007), responsiveness refers to parental support and further explains the degree to which a parent exhibit affection in bettering the relationship with their child (Callaghan & Corbit, 2018). On the other hand, demandingness is a dimension of parenting style founded more on the aspect of control and explains the degree to which parents are strict towards their children in enforcing the desired standard of behavior. Authoritarian parenting is one of the styles that is aligned to the dimension of demandingness. Scholars have continued to research and identify whether demandingness and responsiveness have any implications or influence in children's development of prosocial behavior.
Understanding elements of parenting and prosocial behavior are important to understanding the influence of authoritarian parenting style and the development of prosocial behaviors. Clark et al. (2015) explain parenting style as the distinct emotional environment created by the parents' attitude during the children's socialization process. Emagnaw and Hong (2018) explain prosocial behaviour as voluntary behaviour that yields a wide range of benefits to other people by being reactive and proactive in responding to other people's needs. Some of the notable elements of prosocial behaviour include sharing, having empathy and sympathy towards others, volunteering, donating to those in need, being concerned with the wellbeing of other people, helping and comforting those going through a hard time (Dunfield, 2014). Researches and studies in this area have focused on understanding the correlation between different parenting styles and their likelihood of enforcing and facilitating the development of prosocial behaviors.
As a style aligned and based on demandingness, authoritarian parenting has been found to hinder the development of prosocial behaviors in children. Authoritarian parents use punitive and other power-assertive techniques like yelling, overt depiction of anger, and corporal punishment. (Clark et al., 2015). Parenting style of authoritarian is linked to the low development of prosocial behaviors. Children brought up under authoritarian parenting style exhibit little or no elements of prosocial behaviour. Notably, children under authoritarian parenting tend to demonstrate the other negative extreme of prosocial behavior, which is aggression (Clark et al., 2015). Specifically, using disciplinary enforcement techniques such as corporal punishment and other power-assertive tactics such as yelling results in relational aggression behaviour, low empathy towards others, and significant impairment to the expected prosocial behaviour among children (Clark et al., 2015).
Children brought up under the authoritarian parenting style are highly susceptible to antisocial behaviors. According to Clark et al. (2015), authoritarian parenting style has been linked and associated with relational aggression in children. From a behavioural studies perspective, relational aggression is more of opposite of the prosocial behavior and is characterized by depiction and engaging in behaviours that harm other people, especially through manipulating relationships. There is little parent involvement in behavioural monitoring and enforcement of right behaviors, which results in the development of antisocial behaviors. Further, in some instances, authoritarian parenting is also associated with many antisocial behaviours that result in delinquency when a child reaches adolescence and criminal behaviour when they get into adulthood. For this reason, the authoritarian parenting style is a hindrance to the development of prosocial behaviors among children. The authoritarian parenting style is associated with the other extreme of prosocial behaviors such as aggression and manipulation of relationships to hurt others. This information shows that the authoritarian hinders the development of prosocial behavior among children.
The authoritarian parenting style hinders the development of prosocial behaviors because of its lack of crucial elements of support and responsiveness among parents. Malonda et al. (2019) affirm that parenting style that demonstrates parental warmth and support is positively associated with prosocial behavior among children. However, when it comes to authoritarian parenting style, the parent depicts harshness and high-level strictness in outlining the rules that must be followed with little or no form of compromise. When children fail to adhere and comply with the set rule, an authoritarian parent responds with corporal punishment. In some instances, authoritarian parenting escalates to being physically and emotionally abusive towards the child. Some of the parents utilize the authoritarian style as they equate it to loving and caring for their children to protect them from the social evils in society. However, authoritarian parenting only results in an impaired relationship between the child and the parent. It creates an atmosphere that results in antisocial behaviors at the expense of prosocial behaviors as expected. Children brought up through authoritarian parenting lack some crucial virtues such as empathy (Clark et al., 2015).
The social learning theory can explain the negative implications of authoritarian parenting style and its hindering effect on the development of prosocial behaviors. Social learning postulates that children learn their behaviors by observing those around them, especially the parents (Bandura & Hall, 2018). Children tend to imitate the behaviors and attitudes they observe from those around them. Children brought up by authoritarian parents will tend to acquire antisocial behavioural tendencies associated with aggression, being harsh, and bitter towards others. Being aggressive towards the child to comply with rules will make such children comfortable with being aggressive towards others. These children who become used to violence and physical abuse are more likely to become aggressive and rebellious. Such children are prone to bullying behaviours in school towards their peers. The social environment that the family and parents create within the house is a critical determinant of whether the child will acquire antisocial or prosocial behaviours.
In conclusion, the authoritarian parenting style stands as a hindrance to developing prosocial behaviors among children. The authoritarian parenting style is excessively strict and utilizes elements such as corporal punishment and other power-assertive techniques to get the child to comply with the parent's rules. Such a parenting style predisposes the child to acquire antisocial behaviors associated with aggressiveness towards others. The acquisition of antisocial behaviour takes place through observation, as explained through Bandura's social learning theory. Therefore, the use of harsh methods such as corporal punishment, and being strict towards children as in authoritarian parenting style does not translate to fostering prosocial behaviors in children
Really refreshing. I feel comforted hearing this. Thanks so much.
amazing! tank you!
Informative n interesting talk. Thank you, bless you. All your dreams come true.
Wow. Really glad I watched this ted talk!!!
I never knew love until I hold my child! I love his mother more, I love my parents more, I love myself more... 😍
Thank you... here and now...
Thank you, your research is not in vain. It gave lots of insight.
I get it, but don't think this rings true when you consider most people's tendency not to be very introspective or honest when thinking about how they cope as a parent. Of course children under the same roof will all differ, look at toxic family dynamics and there are always failures and achievers, parents always claim they are raised the same but they do (through ignorance or not) still contribute in their own ways to the outcome. We're not at all short of this "you're not always responsible, it's them" type perception as it gives good excuse to avoid responsibility.
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just rely on science of parenting that the best method
it will help u in ur futur mate
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do ur research mate and it will help
all this stuff are very important to humanity
have a wonderful day mate
If I did something bad. It was my nature, genetics. If it was good, it was her nurturing parenting. Super-effective parenting mistake.
This was Everything!!! 💓💓💓💓💓
Thank you 🙏
This is something I needed, thank you
Parents don’t treat each child the same way within a family, it’s not just parenting style or same events
butterflies and hurricanes..
amazing speech ♥️🙏
So relaxing to listen to you 👍
This is eye opening.
Most TED talks resonate with me, but this one seemed off. Yes, we are all born with a genetic blueprint, but how we are ‘built’ is as much determined by nurture as our genetics. We may have predispositions, but environment plays a huge role in who we are as people. It determines whether we develop healthy or maladaptive behaviors. It would be interesting to see the studies. On the other hand, I do take the point that parents aren’t the only influence on a child. The total environment needs to be taken into account. Also, it’s not a one size fits all approach to being a parent. We are all unique and have different perspectives.
Thank you, informative and heart-warming.
Our kids did not pay much attention to what we said. However, what we did had a major effect.
That’s very good posture for public speaking.
She is a very beautiful human being ❤
Best parenting info I've ever heard.
OMG such a great talk. Thank you and bless you!
thank you so much for this. It couldn't have come at a more appropriate time. I needed to hear this.
Thanks! That's was amazing!
🥺🥺🥺🥺 Thank you For this!!
Wow this was so beautiful
Mrs. Munakata is a brave and wise woman.
I have said this for years. I'm a mum to 4 kids. Of the 4 some are twins and they are still very much not alike. I'm one human and cater to 4 different human beings. I know the odds are against me. I do my best and hope for the best kind of parenting. I love them dearly and give them a safe platform to be. My goal is that they are kind, happy and motivated enough to provide for themselves. Even with my low expectations my kids have somewhat thrived...I do save a bit on therapy for the future 😂😂
Incredibly powerful lesson about parenting and influence.
Same parents don't always parent in the same way for all their children and there are endless number of variables that needs to be taken into account. For example, the mental and emotional maturity of the parent(s) when they have their first and second child; financial security at the time the parents are raising their different children; relationship stability between the parents at the time; etc. Furthermore every human being is born with different personalities and this affects how parents interact with even their own children - just like how your attitude can change between each and every one of your friends depending on who they are, parents unknowingly treat their children differently. It sounds to me she's putting too much emphasis on the "nature" side of the argument and is just brushing aside "nurture".
Yes! My brother is 14 years younger than me, and my parents got divorced shortly after I moved out. His upbringing has been VERY different from mine, even though we have the same parents.
Completely agree with you. Different person is also exposed to different environment and stimuli all the time. And those different stimuli definitely has a profound effect on shaping that person's physical and psychological respondent mechanisms.
Awesome comment. She lost me on the butterflies vs hurricane bs.
I agree with you
Each child will seek resources from parents in different ways according to ways attention and resources are already being accessed by older siblings. The science of sibship is well illustrated (though not exclusive considerations) in Born to Rebel by Frank J Sulloway
very strong women, very powerful message
That's very useful , thank you
That's call powerful speech!!
Not like any other too much hand moving attention grabbing speakers
who forcefully grab attention through moving their hands.
Thank you for this.
My current parenting rules:
1) Spend time with your children
Plan days out together eg playing at the park, going swimming, visiting grandparents
Be present, no phones and social media
2) Explain how they did a good job
Eg. You concentrated and you eventually managed to put on your shoes
3) Express how you feel clearly
Parenting is not always glamerous, but expressing how you feel is important eg. Dad doesn't like you throwing your food
Number 1 makes 95% of these rules
Very good video! 구르는 돌은 이끼가 안 낀다. (A rolling stone gathers no moss) - Korean proverb
Monotonous... Could have been better delivered, but full of gems of wisdom. Thank you.
Thanks!
Well said and very interesting.
Now, if only my mother listened to me, she wouldn't need me to show her this video, sadly, I should still try, even if all other tries have only gotten me in trouble or been ignored or forgotten
I'm literally scrolling down trying to see if any children succeeded in getting their parents to watch this without skipping it lmao.
I have recently been learning about positive discipline and positive parenting. There are various positive parenting courses which I believe are having some positive effects on parents and their children, and there is evidence for that. Therefore I find it hard to believe that parenting isn't so important in how a child turns out. I agree with WSI AK in the comment below. I think nurture is very relevant. That said, I don't think we should judge parents harshly because we can't know their life circumstances. Though I feel nurture is important, I feel it is important not to continue to blame our parents for how our life turns out. It is important that as adults we seek what help we can to make a success of our own life whatever our past, and only ourselves can define what is success for us. Parents can't control whether or not we are successful but they can influence whether we feel confidence in our capabilities to solve our own problems, for example, which makes for a higher chance of success.
There comes a time when we have to all parent our selves