@@shayantehrany8295 Well, probably that too. But Adam and Eve only had sons. So Able mustve gotten it on with his Mother. And I hope to Allah she had a girl. Even then, the farthest removed from incest they could go ,is ; Grandfather Adam with his grandaughter. (who's also his wifes daughter , conceived by his son). Originally , there was another female called Lillith. She had WINGS (and possibly a strap-on and a whip) Shes in the earliest versions and in the Epic of Gilgamesh. She got booted out of Eden because ?.....SHE WANTED TO BE ON TOP !!....the dirty free thinking , empowered , hussie liberal feminist.!!!! WOMEN ON TOP ?!!! Holy Yahweh ..... best go with rampant incest , eh ? And to think that genital mutilation of infants didnt start till Abraham ....so they considered that to be progress !!!!!??? ps ; just think of that when ye wonder about Trump. Hes a throwback in evolution of Biblical proportions.
None, a yew was pregnant before the flood. The sacrifice was the baby lamb, pure and without sin. At least that's what I would say if I was stupid enough to believe such bull sh*t.
Also the fact that if there is only 2 of each species and "the first thing he did" was fucking sacrifice one of the animals, he instantly causes that species to go extinct
"Really? Straight to genocide?" - - - "What happened to one verbal and two written warnings?" - - - just the tip of the iceberg in the hilarious bit - - - I love it!
Lets say youre a father of a world aka God right then you see 4 to 5 pure and good ones in a group of savage totally evil ones around those pure good ones you wouldnt destroy them for the sake of the good ones? Keep in mind you do have the power to revive the souls of the destroyed after judgment and do what you will with them spare them or rid them to punishment. See you didnt have that in your mind set before making that snarky comment...
@@wakeuprealityiscallingyou1070 What did the animals do? If God wasn't a dick he would have spared the animals, who by the way don't get to go to heaven.
I really can't believe that so many kids and adults (myself as a kid included) just accepted that. Like "yeah there are some bad people, let's just kill almost every living being on this planet."
Had this book at school, when being read to us and the pictures shown, I told the teacher that it would sink because of the door on the side. That required time out and a telephone call to my parents. Dad looked at what I saw and said, he's right Never got on with that cow!
@@bambino9235 To this day, neither me or my father were wrong! Even at six yrs old I could tell it wouldn't float, and there's nothing wrong with the truth!!!
@@barrysargent1213 Literally, the fact that the teacher was allowed to call home (essentially a punishment) over it is fucked. The fact it's allowed to be taught in schools as if it's undeniable, evidenced fact is also fucked. I grew up going to CofE schools and we used to pray every day in assembly and sing religious songs, and when we left primary school in year 6 we got given a bible each, and this was mid 2000s so relatively recent. Mental Like it's funny that she expected your dad to be upset but he actually agreed with you, but the whole situation leading up to it is just fucked. No better word for it
@@bambino9235 You are so correct. I'm sorry, I misunderstood your first comment. Literally the very same things happened to me! That bible that I received went in the bin as soon as I got home that night! Even at high school, the same. Another in the bin!!
I remember this book from Sunday school! I remember there were two girls that thought it was really true, so I got worried about them and told the teacher. The teacher said it really WAS true. That was the day that I realised that grown-ups could be full of shit.
@@dogshiin But it wasn't. Not only would it be impossible but there isn't any evidence for it. There is however, evidence of smaller floods being talked about in entertaining/informative tales shortly before Judaism was invented. The stories were simply plagiarised and modified to suit an agenda.
No one actually believes it. Its implied that those are just stories made so people could understand the religion because some people back then were the smartest in the world. Like the creation of Adam and Eve. Ofcourse Christian don’t belive that we came from two people. It just a story.
@@Filip-pm7dg I know plenty that believe it all, every word of it. Even the ~650 direct contradictions, it's all true, apparently. BTW, the story of the first man being made from the dust of the Earth and the first woman being made from a bone comes from ancient Assyrian mythology. Only in the original version, the first woman is made from a bone taken from a slain goddess rather than a bone taken from the first man. The Abrahamic Genesis version is tailored to promote sexism and has the power struggle between the many gods removed for obvious reasons.
Used to be a Christian, and used to oversee the farming of 4000 pigs. Used to read the Bible over lunch everyday at the pig farm. While this was going on I noticed how when the 7 large electric fans at the ends of the pig sheds failed in a black out how quickly the pigs could become incapacitated, then unconscious and then mortalities would follow. Reading about Noah's ark... Looking after the sheds... Felt an acute panic/ cognitive dissonance when I realized that Noah's ark had one window, no forced electric ventilation, and instead of 1200 animals in a shed/boat, millions of animals. It's definitely a 'nope' from me. That's when I went right back to the beginning of the Bible and took a much more forensic examination. It's nice to get ones brain back from organised religion. 👍👍👍
@@SamuelBlack84 Yep; I guess I did. But I still listen to Christian music on Sundays, because there we're a few redeeming features in that ideaology. However Taoism, Stoicism, and Buddism have made my life incredible.
@@SamuelBlack84 not merely being agreeable for the sake of being agreeable, but there are some pretty interesting ideas to be found in Satanism. Always remember that one about 'being hassled in open ground.' It really pays dividends to take no shit from no one, lest you forfeit your own sanity and eventually decency as a human being. Philosophical variety is the spice of life.
marty jackson what does this even mean? It in no way addresses...anything? And before calling people dumb please be sure you know how to your, you’re and yore, or you look like..exactly what you are. Or you’re? No, you are.
Not a Christian.... but growing up in an Anglo Indian school we were taught both the testaments . Listening to this at 5am in the morning and this satire is so relevant.
I like Eddie Izzard's observation, that Noah would have had a problem explaining to ducks that they needed to get into the ark in order to survive. Telling ducks that there is about to be a huge flood and they need to get into a boat to avoid it is great.
"The first thing Noah did was to build an altar and he offered a sacrifice to god"... Sacrificed what??? He a male and a female from each species. If he sacrificed one then that species would go extinct. Did he sacrifice a dinosaur ?
I always laugh when I see 2 male lions depicted in The Noah's Flood Story. I always wonder if the illustrators do it on purpose or they just don't know.
@dylan t you're right, it's impossible to read to most christians, it's designed that way so your religious authority can TELL YOU what it says...that's why they believe it. Most christians never read the bible
I always have to re-watch this when I come across it again just for the bit about the two birds standing in the line and the one bird asking the other one if he wants to wing it since they can fly... That huge pause... "....Naaah."
His face after pointing out the hooped earrings is so perfect in timing and expression. Just points, let's the audience go with it and then looks on with pride.
Marcus Cunnington: in the bible, god either directly kills or orders killed something like 2.3 MILLION people. Depending on how many were alive on earth during his putative flood. The bible: Snuff fiction.
God to Noah: Protect two of every animal for 2 months to ensure they survive to re-populate the earth and carry on their species for years to come Noah: *sacrifices one on the alter for the shits and gigs literally minutes after touching land* God: Am I a joke to you
So, I thought I'd hate the movie _Noah,_ with Russell Crowe. I didn't. I enjoyed it because it treats the Ark story exactly like what it is: mythology.
I was showing this clip to my eleven yr old son and when Ricky asked "What did the squid do" @4:42, my son had the perfect answer. He said "I know what the squid did. He went up to the shark and tweaked his nose. WIcked". I've never been so proud, lol
This is why, if you take all the editorializing out of the bible and just read what happened, any reasonable person would conclude that the god it mentions is a depraved sadistic psychopath.
aw it doesn't matter, the whole Genesis thing never even happened. It's just old rehashed stories from Mesapotamia and Assyria that ended up with the Hebrew people at one point, that's why it's in there.
Depraved sadistic psychopath . That's bit harsh . Constipated jerk , maybe ? However , in comparison to other " gods " before and after him ( some arrived 900 years after him) , he is just a softy , frustrated old geezer with nothing to do
If that is all they believed, it would be totally fine. The problem is people are like "You don't believe this ludicrous thing I believe? What kind of child of mine are you, get out, go live on the streets" and "You don't believe this happened? I am going to attack and kill and ruin everything you love and believe in until you agree my impossible fairy tale is real". It's terrifying, you're right.
@@sociallyresponsiblexenomor7608 exactly. Why don't they listen to their own messiah and keep that shit to themselves? Even jesus himself said not to be like the hypocrites and to pray in the closet. Probably didn't hear about that from the pulpit eh?
@@sociallyresponsiblexenomor7608 the problem is that this global flood mith apeared everywhere on Earth and according to geologists it took place somewhere between 10.000 to 12.500 years ago. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_flood_myths
Those who wrote the bible were goat herders in the deserts of the middle east in the end of the bronze age. They had no idea of what the best thinkers of the time knew. Demokritos said a little later that everything was built up by atoms, that the stars were distant suns and that universe was endless. The goat hearders had never heard about that, and never up-dated their bible. Now the goatherders live in small towns.
So the first thing Noah did was make an offering (blood sacrifice) using one of the poor creatures that had been safe on the ark with him? So instantly that species became extinct.
Remember, god told Noah to bring two of each kind...and also two of each unclean kind and seven pairs of each clean kind. So he must've used a clean animal. Though perhaps after a year or more on that ark, there wasn't one millimeter of anything in there that was "clean" at all. Imagine the heaps of SHIT!
Zahin Vishnu: I wish that I'd been told "real" stories when I was a kid, and not filled my head up with things that aren't true. But then I couldn't have come here and had interesting CZcams chats with so many interesting people, like yourself.
Zahin Vishnu: Yes. We do have more serious issues to worry about--and I bet a lot of us do worry about them. Sadly, we can't do much about them. We only get to vote every couple of years and probably aren't going to mount an armed resistance in between. Meanwhile, we can vent a little by arguing about kiddy tales. Keeps our minds going a little, maybe.
The flood Noah's arc story is based on is the random flooding of Tigris and Euphrates rivers in Mesopotamia. When civilisation in Mesopotamia was forming, a large one being the one in Uruk (what Iraq is named after) we can see the first instances of writing in a script called 'cuneiform', the very first story 'The Epic of Gilgamesh' was written in this script. In the epic, there is a man and his family who survive a massive flood caused by four gods (they got angry because of all the noise humans were making). They survive because one of the gods tells the man the god's plan and instructs him to build an arc to survive. The reason why the flood appears at all in the epic is because it's inspired by the Tigris and Euphrates (unlike the Nile and Indus river) irregular flood patterns. Mesopotamians can neither prepare nor escape the flooding. I feel like I shouldn't have to explain that 'The Epic of Gilgamesh' is just a myth, if you think Noah's story sounds ridiculous, it's because it never happened. BTW we know for sure Noah's story is ripped from the epic because the dialogue hasn't been changed, just translated from cuneiform to Latin.
Most ancient religions have a flood myth, from Greek mythology to Japanese Shintoism. More likely it's a memory of the absolutely massive flooding worldwide when the last Ice Age ended some 11,000 years ago (bearing in mind humans developed primitive language, art and religions around 26,000 years ago).
There are traditional stories of a big flood in many cultures. They don,'t "rip it" from each other! There probably was a great flood and each culture had their own story about it. Get educated and do real research if you want to be taken seriously.
I mean you gotta admit that a majority of the Bible is bs. Judaism is such an interesting religion because it promotes science in a way. A LARGE amount of Nobel prize winners are Jewish! Real reason for that is that the Torah is more so a book of laws/rules. An allegory really. The Torah shouldn’t be taken at face value because that isn’t the point, the point is in each story, the reason one should act. (There also is the history bit which is mainly true, which is just dictators using Jews as a scapegoat and trying to kill them all). I’m proud to be Jewish, but I’m also atheist. Judaism isn’t just a religion, it’s an ethnicity and a culture. Judaism promotes deep thought and debate on how to interpret it. I feel like the Bible almost perverts the Torah and turns it into something it’s not, almost cult like rather than a way of thinking. I remember hearing this thing that goes something like this (very paraphrased and probably quoted a bit wrong though), “there were 2 rabbis having a debate about the torah, they get another rabbi to come in and be a tie breaker, but that rabbi had a different opinion. One of the rabbis trying to prove his point, prays for god for it to rain, and it does. The rabbi then says to the others ‘see god agrees with me’. The other rabbis say it’s a coincidence. So the rabbi prays again and asks god to send a better sign to prove his point. So god shouts down to the other rabbis ‘that rabbi is right!’ The rabbis then start arguing with god and saying that he’s wrong.”
I would suggest you to stop being religious if you want to preserve your sanity and brain cells. Otherwise, it will degrade your brain so much, you will lose common sense and rational thinking ability. Just an advice. Take it out leave it. Your wish.
God: "I love you." Also God: *attempts genocide of planetary proportions and places you in eternal torture for the rest of time if you break one of his ten rules*
At least it didnt happen which is for the better for those millions of people. It just seems like some flood happened, and was exaggerated and made into a myth. A majority of the bibles tales are just metaphores for things.
Well that's because 1. There aren't as many Christians more. 2. There aren't that many Christians that are angry, crusading, marauding strict bible buffs.
Don't forget: until now, you couldn't mock religion without being imprisoned, tortured or killed. That has been normal for 99.99% of our history... Be happy and keep on mocking 🙂
I love the mix of his humor and beliefs. It's such a different and refreshing change. I. Love regular comedians, as well. However, Ricky is an intellectual who, if I remember correctly, studied philosophy, which makes so much sense with how he derived his humor.
About 12,000 years ago, as the ice shields retreated in the face of warming weather in North America and as the last ice age was coming to an end, there was an accumulation of a massive amount of water, covering most of mid North America. The only thing holding this water back was an ice ridge in the east. But it too was melting and then one day, collapsed. The water that rushed into the Atlantic was enormous. What remained was what became known as the great lakes in Canada and the US. Meanwhile, the Mediterranean was mostly dry land, the ocean being held off at Gibraltar. Within time however, the water overwhelmed Gilbraltar, flooding the area and spawing flood stories through out all religions and civilizations from the Greeks (Atlantis?) to the sumerian epic Gilgamesh to great deluge stories in Scandanavia....
The writers of the bible were up against deadlines. Hence...they had to make it up quickly. It obviously didn't have to be good or make any sense.......at all........ever.
okay so..? there are plenty of brackish water species? and many species have plasticity and resilience when it comes to changes in their environment. Adaptations can also happen through those resilient individuals. Let's pretend the water was actually some toxic liquid, even if that's the case not all organisms would die. There are microbes which survive in harsh environments as we speak, in volcanoes, hot springs, even battery acid!
God said to Noah, "I am so angry at men."
"You mean men and women?"
"...Whatever."
Gold XD
Lol lol lol lol
In biblical language as one authority charmingly put it, "The male embraces the female" ;-)
And ‘they, them’
stop repeating his lines you knob head
@@Hannah-pk6iq yeah reply to a 7 years old comment, dumbfuck
Noah's electricity bill for the air-conditioning in the penguins enclosure must have been through the roof!
Nah man, god has his electricity bill covered
God prob cooling them himself
Imagine all the food and shit they had to move lol
Not to mention all the trees and plants 🤔
@@katyungodly god just did the jesus move of making piss into wine ofc
he supposedly had the power of god which means he wouldn't need that
I'm sitting here at 2 am listening to Ricky gervais read a children's book
same
Im fucking drunk sneaking away from a Party to watch this xD
Same
Same
3:26 for me
It most have been embarresing for Noah when he realised that he had brought two male lions with him.
It mustve been embarrassing for Adam and eve when they discovered thered have to be some serious incest to continue the human race
That must’ve been the first act of homosexuality in history
@@shayantehrany8295
Well, probably that too.
But Adam and Eve only had sons.
So Able mustve gotten it on with his Mother.
And I hope to Allah she had a girl.
Even then, the farthest removed from incest they could go ,is ; Grandfather Adam with his grandaughter. (who's also his wifes daughter , conceived by his son).
Originally , there was another female called Lillith.
She had WINGS (and possibly a strap-on and a whip)
Shes in the earliest versions and in the Epic of Gilgamesh.
She got booted out of Eden because ?.....SHE WANTED TO BE ON TOP !!....the dirty free thinking , empowered , hussie liberal feminist.!!!!
WOMEN ON TOP ?!!! Holy Yahweh ..... best go with rampant incest , eh ?
And to think that genital mutilation of infants didnt start till Abraham ....so they considered that to be progress !!!!!???
ps ; just think of that when ye wonder about Trump.
Hes a throwback in evolution of Biblical proportions.
Hey fly that rainbow baby!
Horatio Caius it must’ve been embarrassing when you realised that you spelled embarrassing wrong
"I can't forget, I am a f***ing elephant" is such a brilliant joke, loved the buildup
And Noah said " If it keeps on raining like this, we're gonna have to eat the Unicorns!"
Mock the week
Making it 100 likes...
@@Lord_Skeptic Not the weak, just the ignorant who believe childhood fairy tales are actually real in some way - that SHOULD BE MOCKED.
Mock the week is a TV program. That is where the quote that the original post comment comes from.
@@ross-carlson lmao got a bit too carried away bud
"the first thing noah did was build an altar and make a sacrifice"
so, what species did he just make extinct?
Unicorns. Obviously.
@@ragnarokda206 that bloody bastard
The South African waffling bee
@@Travisbig7 Voldemort must have been inspired by that
None, a yew was pregnant before the flood. The sacrifice was the baby lamb, pure and without sin. At least that's what I would say if I was stupid enough to believe such bull sh*t.
LOLL "Straight to the annihilation of the entire human race, because of fatty yellow trousers picks someone's nose!"
oh really adolf? REALLY?
He forgot to mention the amount of incest that would be implied if 2 of every spieces were to mate to create the amount of animals we have today.
+dnw009 that's smart I didn't think about that! and the sea creatures too lol
Also the fact that if there is only 2 of each species and "the first thing he did" was fucking sacrifice one of the animals, he instantly causes that species to go extinct
John Wright Can I be your disciple?
John Wright : by ‘uneducated’ I take it you mean un-paranoid religious fanatic?
@John Wright I will follow you everywhere.
"Really? Straight to genocide?" - - - "What happened to one verbal and two written warnings?" - - - just the tip of the iceberg in the hilarious bit - - - I love it!
Drowning every person on the planet!
Children edition!
Lets say youre a father of a world aka God right then you see 4 to 5 pure and good ones in a group of savage totally evil ones around those pure good ones you wouldnt destroy them for the sake of the good ones?
Keep in mind you do have the power to revive the souls of the destroyed after judgment and do what you will with them spare them or rid them to punishment.
See you didnt have that in your mind set before making that snarky comment...
Wake up Reality is calling you! I mean, to be fair, Its still genocide isnt it
@@wakeuprealityiscallingyou1070 What did the animals do? If God wasn't a dick he would have spared the animals, who by the way don't get to go to heaven.
Hahaha
I really can't believe that so many kids and adults (myself as a kid included) just accepted that. Like "yeah there are some bad people, let's just kill almost every living being on this planet."
“Seeing god 💅🏼💅🏼💅🏼” that gets me every time
Honestly speaking this statement really really gets me.
"I can't forget it, I'm a fuckin' elephant!" Classic!
Had this book at school, when being read to us and the pictures shown, I told the teacher that it would sink because of the door on the side. That required time out and a telephone call to my parents. Dad looked at what I saw and said, he's right
Never got on with that cow!
mad about your dad. sounds likemine
That's so funny but also so fucked up at the same time
@@bambino9235 To this day, neither me or my father were wrong! Even at six yrs old I could tell it wouldn't float, and there's nothing wrong with the truth!!!
@@barrysargent1213 Literally, the fact that the teacher was allowed to call home (essentially a punishment) over it is fucked. The fact it's allowed to be taught in schools as if it's undeniable, evidenced fact is also fucked.
I grew up going to CofE schools and we used to pray every day in assembly and sing religious songs, and when we left primary school in year 6 we got given a bible each, and this was mid 2000s so relatively recent. Mental
Like it's funny that she expected your dad to be upset but he actually agreed with you, but the whole situation leading up to it is just fucked. No better word for it
@@bambino9235 You are so correct. I'm sorry, I misunderstood your first comment. Literally the very same things happened to me! That bible that I received went in the bin as soon as I got home that night! Even at high school, the same. Another in the bin!!
"Fuck off, wicked" cracks me up every time 😄
"Rained for 40 days and 40 nights"... The bible calls that a flood...
In Denmark, we call that summer!!!!
In the uk we call that the driest summer since records began.
Lol brilliant 😂
I remember this book from Sunday school! I remember there were two girls that thought it was really true, so I got worried about them and told the teacher. The teacher said it really WAS true. That was the day that I realised that grown-ups could be full of shit.
You must have been a genius child.
@@dogshiin But it wasn't. Not only would it be impossible but there isn't any evidence for it. There is however, evidence of smaller floods being talked about in entertaining/informative tales shortly before Judaism was invented. The stories were simply plagiarised and modified to suit an agenda.
Pre abrahamic religions had the same story, Old Testament just copied it. The same exact shit.
No one actually believes it. Its implied that those are just stories made so people could understand the religion because some people back then were the smartest in the world. Like the creation of Adam and Eve. Ofcourse Christian don’t belive that we came from two people. It just a story.
@@Filip-pm7dg I know plenty that believe it all, every word of it. Even the ~650 direct contradictions, it's all true, apparently.
BTW, the story of the first man being made from the dust of the Earth and the first woman being made from a bone comes from ancient Assyrian mythology. Only in the original version, the first woman is made from a bone taken from a slain goddess rather than a bone taken from the first man. The Abrahamic Genesis version is tailored to promote sexism and has the power struggle between the many gods removed for obvious reasons.
There's a woman in the audience having the time of her life, hearing her laugh was almost as funny as RIcky's jokes
@@josephfaherty5810 calm down its only comedy
Joseph Faherty gammon Brexiter
@@josephfaherty5810 why the fuck are you here then mate
@@josephfaherty5810 butthurt are you.. faith fade when reality kicks in..did he offended you joking about your fairy tales?
@@josephfaherty5810 You're*
“I showed this to Karl Pilkington”
*deafening applause*
Sad to see how its ended up
@@tdsm99 whats happened?
@@tdsm99 what
@@tdsm99 huh
I'm not a zoologist, but both lions have a mane... 08:54
how dare you assume their gender?
Tomas Straka: they were going to adopt when they reached dry land.
deekat3279: oh, no; that's unfortunate! Hope you get them out of both, and soon.
Yea but technicly there have been cases of female lions with manes...
God is not gay but lions are
Used to be a Christian, and used to oversee the farming of 4000 pigs.
Used to read the Bible over lunch everyday at the pig farm.
While this was going on I noticed how when the 7 large electric fans at the ends of the pig sheds failed in a black out how quickly the pigs could become incapacitated, then unconscious and then mortalities would follow.
Reading about Noah's ark...
Looking after the sheds...
Felt an acute panic/ cognitive dissonance when I realized that Noah's ark had one window, no forced electric ventilation, and instead of 1200 animals in a shed/boat, millions of animals.
It's definitely a 'nope' from me.
That's when I went right back to the beginning of the Bible and took a much more forensic examination.
It's nice to get ones brain back from organised religion.
👍👍👍
Ironically, you saw the light 😂
@@SamuelBlack84 Yep; I guess I did.
But I still listen to Christian music on Sundays, because there we're a few redeeming features in that ideaology. However Taoism, Stoicism, and Buddism have made my life incredible.
@@lookupthereupinthetrees9860 So has Satanism for me
@@SamuelBlack84 not merely being agreeable for the sake of being agreeable, but there are some pretty interesting ideas to be found in Satanism. Always remember that one about 'being hassled in open ground.' It really pays dividends to take no shit from no one, lest you forfeit your own sanity and eventually decency as a human being. Philosophical variety is the spice of life.
ay whatever works for you right@@SamuelBlack84
watching rickys face light up when he makes this bit is everything, you can tell he enjoys it so much
This is one of his masterpieces
Haha "Who are you calling big nose" is a callback to life of brian :D
Just brilliant.
Dejay Rezme thanks I was trying to recall why that sounded familiar
So, Noah crammed a bunch of carnivores on a cruise ship with tasty herbivores for 150 days and all the herbivores got off the boat when it docked?
Yes, because the magic man in the sky made it so... ;-)
marty jackson what does this even mean? It in no way addresses...anything? And before calling people dumb please be sure you know how to your, you’re and yore, or you look like..exactly what you are. Or you’re? No, you are.
dylan thoms I cant tell if you’re serious or just goofing on me
dylan thoms thanks for answering, I just wasn’t sure. Made me go to Wikipedia to familiarize myself with the story
@marty jackson Fix your grammar before you start calling people dumb you fucking spastic.
I’d listen to Ricky Gervais narrate a more humorous version of Planet Earth, tbh.
I'd pay quite alot lol
Look up Round Planet on Netflix... It's kind of like that
I died when Ricky went "IM A FUCKING CRAB IVE NEVER BEEN ON A MOUNTAIN THIS IS AMAZING!!"
"Oh forget it"
"I can't forget it, i'm a fuckin elephant"
Absolute gold 😂
Not a Christian.... but growing up in an Anglo Indian school we were taught both the testaments . Listening to this at 5am in the morning and this satire is so relevant.
I like Eddie Izzard's observation, that Noah would have had a problem explaining to ducks that they needed to get into the ark in order to survive. Telling ducks that there is about to be a huge flood and they need to get into a boat to avoid it is great.
He was right about all the evil ducks...they are very rapey birds
Yea he's a funny lady.
I literally could not love this more. Brilliant! I adore Ricky Gervais!!
"The first thing Noah did was to build an altar and he offered a sacrifice to god"... Sacrificed what??? He a male and a female from each species. If he sacrificed one then that species would go extinct. Did he sacrifice a dinosaur ?
Nah, dinosaurs got screwed in the beta test, when God used a different force to show his rage.
@@UVjoint why wouldnt he refresh the map after beta testing he left so much shit laying around
Unicorn obviously
3:28 Ricky would’ve survived that bar in Inglorious Basterds.
3 fressh gleiza
Underrated Comment
That's clever😂
Yoooo
Just found your comment. Brilliant!
I always laugh when I see 2 male lions depicted in The Noah's Flood Story.
I always wonder if the illustrators do it on purpose or they just don't know.
I got in trouble in Sunday school as a kid for pointing that out. 😂😂😂
I am surprised nobody expressed his desire to see Ricky's review of the other books from this series. It would be hillarious.
I really hope you've seen james acasters take on pinnochio.
Does he do anything on islam . I would really want to see him do that .
We all need a Ricky Gervais as our homeroom teacher. Who's with me?
This was the best Sunday school session ever 😁😅
'it is rhe book of noah, it is the children's edition '
is there an other one ?
I expected to hear "children's edition... bit redundant-" lmao
Yep that's the joke.
the delusional idiot edition.
@dylan thoms What a muppet...
@dylan t you're right, it's impossible to read to most christians, it's designed that way so your religious authority can TELL YOU what it says...that's why they believe it. Most christians never read the bible
I always have to re-watch this when I come across it again just for the bit about the two birds standing in the line and the one bird asking the other one if he wants to wing it since they can fly... That huge pause...
"....Naaah."
I was waiting for a joke about two male lions at 10:50
Yes, they're gay. They were planning to adopt. Thanks, god, fucked that up! All lion fetuses DROWNED. No more lion adoptions.
Just an inside joke
Gervais seems to just get better every time, this was excellent.
13:29 Gay lions
But gods not ga... wait shit I don't know about this one chief
Are those 2 gay lions in a gay pride?
And there is gay pride in gay lions, it works both ways!
I DONT LIKE THEM PUTTING CHEMICALS IN THE WATER THAT TURN THE FRICKING LIONS GAY
What's the squid ever done?!?
***** ???
Looks like I'm not going to get to download much tonight, but I know your posts are always a plus!: )
***** : )`
The squid will be fine. It is a sea animal...
Not a lot... do we need em?
His face after pointing out the hooped earrings is so perfect in timing and expression. Just points, let's the audience go with it and then looks on with pride.
This is my favourite stand up clip ever
I can’t forget it I’m a bloody elephant!
Satan never drowned anyone just saying
Archevis well yeah, but neither did God.
Wemdiculous Are you sure about that
@@harveykraus5767 He'd have to exist first
I think in the bible satan killed 2 and god over 2000, whos the bad one :)
Marcus Cunnington: in the bible, god either directly kills or orders killed something like 2.3 MILLION people. Depending on how many were alive on earth during his putative flood.
The bible: Snuff fiction.
God to Noah: Protect two of every animal for 2 months to ensure they survive to re-populate the earth and carry on their species for years to come
Noah: *sacrifices one on the alter for the shits and gigs literally minutes after touching land*
God: Am I a joke to you
And what about thousands of species with less than two months lifetime?
Sina Helmi surprised nobody question about this shit
@@sinahelmi6696 Good point..
Guessing it was the dodo.
@@sinahelmi6696 Tbf, nobody denied they reproduced while on the boat thing
"The first thing he did was to make a sacrifice..." Which animal species did he condemn to extinction? I bet it was unicorns...
So, I thought I'd hate the movie _Noah,_ with Russell Crowe. I didn't. I enjoyed it because it treats the Ark story exactly like what it is: mythology.
Am I absolutely insane for laughing like hell at 8:45 and so on😂😂
The " I'm not a ducking mongoose!" dialogue! Epic reference to Rudyard Kipling! So proud of myself for catching it 😁
I caught it too and it's the greatest sense of achievement I've felt since I left the house that one time last year
Yeah the mongoose rikki-tikki-tavi
I was showing this clip to my eleven yr old son and when Ricky asked "What did the squid do" @4:42, my son had the perfect answer. He said "I know what the squid did. He went up to the shark and tweaked his nose. WIcked". I've never been so proud, lol
This is why, if you take all the editorializing out of the bible and just read what happened, any reasonable person would conclude that the god it mentions is a depraved sadistic psychopath.
aw it doesn't matter, the whole Genesis thing never even happened. It's just old rehashed stories from Mesapotamia and Assyria that ended up with the Hebrew people at one point, that's why it's in there.
You need Jesus
Depraved sadistic psychopath . That's bit harsh . Constipated jerk , maybe ? However , in comparison to other " gods " before and after him ( some arrived 900 years after him) , he is just a softy , frustrated old geezer with nothing to do
Scary thing people actually believe this happened
If that is all they believed, it would be totally fine. The problem is people are like "You don't believe this ludicrous thing I believe? What kind of child of mine are you, get out, go live on the streets" and "You don't believe this happened? I am going to attack and kill and ruin everything you love and believe in until you agree my impossible fairy tale is real".
It's terrifying, you're right.
@@sociallyresponsiblexenomor7608 exactly. Why don't they listen to their own messiah and keep that shit to themselves? Even jesus himself said not to be like the hypocrites and to pray in the closet. Probably didn't hear about that from the pulpit eh?
@@sociallyresponsiblexenomor7608 the problem is that this global flood mith apeared everywhere on Earth and according to geologists it took place somewhere between 10.000 to 12.500 years ago. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_flood_myths
@@laurentiumarin9165 its on wikipedia so it must be true
@@Aluben0 And Ricky is a religon expert who majored in what..??? tps://www.mythoreligio.com/15-flood-myths-similar-to-the-story-of-noah-2/
Those who wrote the bible were goat herders in the deserts of the middle east in the end of the bronze age. They had no idea of what the best thinkers of the time knew. Demokritos said a little later that everything was built up by atoms, that the stars were distant suns and that universe was endless. The goat hearders had never heard about that, and never up-dated their bible. Now the goatherders live in small towns.
i've watched this so many times XD
it baffles me that in the 21st century people are still believing mythology 😂
Prove it's a myth
Joey K O usually the burden of proof is on having to Prove it IS real
@@captaincoffeecake3595 the evidence is their you just don't want to see it.
Joey K O lol ok , fuckin crazy religious people .
Joey K O The rules of grammar are available as well.
YOU, obviously, don’t want to see THEM.
"I can't forget it I'm a fucking elephant!"
So the first thing Noah did was make an offering (blood sacrifice) using one of the poor creatures that had been safe on the ark with him? So instantly that species became extinct.
It was the unicorn
Remember, god told Noah to bring two of each kind...and also two of each unclean kind and seven pairs of each clean kind. So he must've used a clean animal. Though perhaps after a year or more on that ark, there wasn't one millimeter of anything in there that was "clean" at all. Imagine the heaps of SHIT!
Zahin Vishnu: I wish that I'd been told "real" stories when I was a kid, and not filled my head up with things that aren't true. But then I couldn't have come here and had interesting CZcams chats with so many interesting people, like yourself.
Zahin Vishnu: Yes. We do have more serious issues to worry about--and I bet a lot of us do worry about them. Sadly, we can't do much about them. We only get to vote every couple of years and probably aren't going to mount an armed resistance in between. Meanwhile, we can vent a little by arguing about kiddy tales. Keeps our minds going a little, maybe.
Nope, he sacrificed the male and the female was already pregnant with a litter.
Love how Noah made a sacrifice. I wonder which species lost out as a result
GHOST unicorn
His stand up is like a TED talk lol
I just realized - so Noah gets off the ark and promptly killed one of the pairs of some animal in order to make a sacrifice. WTH??
And why the sacrifice was needed? didn't god took the sacrifice of whole planet ,by flooding it.😂
the toucans bit was hilarious. the part after it w/ the elephant is genius.
The flood Noah's arc story is based on is the random flooding of Tigris and Euphrates rivers in Mesopotamia. When civilisation in Mesopotamia was forming, a large one being the one in Uruk (what Iraq is named after) we can see the first instances of writing in a script called 'cuneiform', the very first story 'The Epic of Gilgamesh' was written in this script. In the epic, there is a man and his family who survive a massive flood caused by four gods (they got angry because of all the noise humans were making). They survive because one of the gods tells the man the god's plan and instructs him to build an arc to survive. The reason why the flood appears at all in the epic is because it's inspired by the Tigris and Euphrates (unlike the Nile and Indus river) irregular flood patterns. Mesopotamians can neither prepare nor escape the flooding. I feel like I shouldn't have to explain that 'The Epic of Gilgamesh' is just a myth, if you think Noah's story sounds ridiculous, it's because it never happened. BTW we know for sure Noah's story is ripped from the epic because the dialogue hasn't been changed, just translated from cuneiform to Latin.
you could have given a spoiler warning
Most ancient religions have a flood myth, from Greek mythology to Japanese Shintoism. More likely it's a memory of the absolutely massive flooding worldwide when the last Ice Age ended some 11,000 years ago (bearing in mind humans developed primitive language, art and religions around 26,000 years ago).
There are traditional stories of a big flood in many cultures. They don,'t "rip it" from each other! There probably was a great flood and each culture had their own story about it. Get educated and do real research if you want to be taken seriously.
Oh shut up
At this time polar bears where not discovered what a joke story
This bit is pure genius!!
40 days to flood the entire lithosphere and go back??
*Geological timescale has left the chat*
Lol lol 😂 😂
"It rained for forty days and forty nights, and they call it a disaster?
In Ireland, that's the feckin' summer!"
- Agnes Brown.
I really love this guy. He and Simo propably my favorites
Kinda off topic, but I love seeing the British and US flag flying together 🇬🇧🤝🇺🇸
yankee with no brim
11:57 I ALWAYS LOSE EVERYTHING RIGHT HERE
🦀 I'm on a fucking mountain 🦀
I'm religious, but I think this is hilarious.
I mean you gotta admit that a majority of the Bible is bs. Judaism is such an interesting religion because it promotes science in a way. A LARGE amount of Nobel prize winners are Jewish! Real reason for that is that the Torah is more so a book of laws/rules. An allegory really. The Torah shouldn’t be taken at face value because that isn’t the point, the point is in each story, the reason one should act. (There also is the history bit which is mainly true, which is just dictators using Jews as a scapegoat and trying to kill them all). I’m proud to be Jewish, but I’m also atheist. Judaism isn’t just a religion, it’s an ethnicity and a culture. Judaism promotes deep thought and debate on how to interpret it.
I feel like the Bible almost perverts the Torah and turns it into something it’s not, almost cult like rather than a way of thinking.
I remember hearing this thing that goes something like this (very paraphrased and probably quoted a bit wrong though), “there were 2 rabbis having a debate about the torah, they get another rabbi to come in and be a tie breaker, but that rabbi had a different opinion. One of the rabbis trying to prove his point, prays for god for it to rain, and it does. The rabbi then says to the others ‘see god agrees with me’. The other rabbis say it’s a coincidence. So the rabbi prays again and asks god to send a better sign to prove his point. So god shouts down to the other rabbis ‘that rabbi is right!’ The rabbis then start arguing with god and saying that he’s wrong.”
@@bananaeclipse3324 I agree, the Bible makes people cult like and would explain the many cults that have been born in the name of the God of the Bible
I would suggest you to stop being religious if you want to preserve your sanity and brain cells. Otherwise, it will degrade your brain so much, you will lose common sense and rational thinking ability. Just an advice. Take it out leave it. Your wish.
An amazing comedian
Gervais can make anything funny
Pure comic genius.
This is great!
The raven and the dove reaction is priceless 🤣🤣
God: "I love you."
Also God:
*attempts genocide of planetary proportions and places you in eternal torture for the rest of time if you break one of his ten rules*
@Samuel Black I'd assume God is bipolar but if he's a god then he wouldn't have any disorders
@Samuel Black Yeah
At least it didnt happen which is for the better for those millions of people. It just seems like some flood happened, and was exaggerated and made into a myth. A majority of the bibles tales are just metaphores for things.
God still sounds like the most Toxic male rolemodel anyone could have.
God seems f*cking moron
I'm disappointed in the lack of angry Christian's in the comments. I was expecting more
Well that's because 1. There aren't as many Christians more. 2. There aren't that many Christians that are angry, crusading, marauding strict bible buffs.
I'm a christian and i am laughing my arse off. Some of us are still normal and have a sense of humour😂😂
This is old testament stuff, christians only believe in the sequel. They are like Star Wars fans..
@nordhorny perhaps your understanding as well -
@@carriefawcett9990 "normal"
id say completely bloody insane
Don't forget: until now, you couldn't mock religion without being imprisoned, tortured or killed.
That has been normal for 99.99% of our history...
Be happy and keep on mocking 🙂
Yeah mock islam and see how that plays out. Maybe the west isn't as fanatical as it used to be but don't extend that to all religions.
in my country, people who mocks religion can still be imprisoned, tortured and even killed.
@@remotaco That's so sad to hear.
You still can't mock some religions.
@@AdmiralBonetoPick True, true..
I love the mix of his humor and beliefs. It's such a different and refreshing change. I. Love regular comedians, as well. However, Ricky is an intellectual who, if I remember correctly, studied philosophy, which makes so much sense with how he derived his humor.
Adorable 🥰
I want ricky to read me a bed time story from now on
Imagine the stored food required for 40 plus days and nights and then after the water resides what did the creatures eat.
150 days but that explains “specialized “ lmao
Go on good ol reading boy! Spot on ricky
The funny part is that immediately after God's big "do over" the survivors started sinning again.
You'd think God would be smarter about such things.
Imagine actually thinking Noah was real
The 2 lions were glancing across at the 2 deer and one said to the other "what do you fancy to eat when we get off the ark" - lol.
Very Original. I love it
love it!
I'm on a fucking mountain!
About 12,000 years ago, as the ice shields retreated in the face of warming weather in North America and as the last ice age was coming to an end, there was an accumulation of a massive amount of water, covering most of mid North America. The only thing holding this water back was an ice ridge in the east. But it too was melting and then one day, collapsed. The water that rushed into the Atlantic was enormous. What remained was what became known as the great lakes in Canada and the US. Meanwhile, the Mediterranean was mostly dry land, the ocean being held off at Gibraltar. Within time however, the water overwhelmed Gilbraltar, flooding the area and spawing flood stories through out all religions and civilizations from the Greeks (Atlantis?) to the sumerian epic Gilgamesh to great deluge stories in Scandanavia....
Thank you for being truthful in your account here. Unlike some ignoramuses who just want to believe the Bible is fake for whatever reason.
What does bible SF and No -ah fable has to do with that ?!
Brilliant
no u
:)
possibly the best comedy ever
The writers of the bible were up against deadlines. Hence...they had to make it up quickly. It obviously didn't have to be good or make any sense.......at all........ever.
Written over 1,600 years by 40 different authors. Not exactly "up against a deadline" but you quickly made that up so, understandable.
"Aw fuck off Wicked!"
I can watch him do that for much time
omfg i have a new love for this man
Watch his bit on “best leaflet in the world”
thats geiy
So fresh water fish should have died from too much salt in the water and sea creatures should’ve died from the water being too diluted
Maybe he made it rain seawater.
okay so..? there are plenty of brackish water species? and many species have plasticity and resilience when it comes to changes in their environment. Adaptations can also happen through those resilient individuals. Let's pretend the water was actually some toxic liquid, even if that's the case not all organisms would die. There are microbes which survive in harsh environments as we speak, in volcanoes, hot springs, even battery acid!
tono80 there’s parts that would have stayed fresh water , there’s parts now where fresh water meets salt water
who the fuck cares, this is like trying to find logic in a marvel movie
Everybody chill out, tono80 was just making a simple point to draw attention to the problems the flood caused the fish.
blue elephant lookin at the toucan - you are lunch
brilliant
I’d pay to see Ricky do all those books