Avoid These Mistakes: Nice Guys & Marriage | Adam Lane Smith & Dr. Robert Glover
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The Purpose of Marriage and Monogamy with Dr. Robert Glover | I Wish You Knew Podcast
Welcome to another episode of the "I Wish You Knew" podcast! đïž Today, we're diving deep into the complexities of marriage, monogamy, and secure attachment with the renowned Dr. Robert Glover, author of "No More Mr. Nice Guy." Joining us as always is the insightful Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist, and our charismatic co-host, Andrey Korikov.
Key Discussion Points:
Marriage and Monogamy:
Dr. Robert Glover challenges the concept of lifelong monogamous marriages, exploring the evolutionary aspects and cultural constructs that shape our understanding of relationships.
The discussion covers the historical shift towards monogamy and how societal, religious, and economic factors have influenced this evolution.
Secure Attachment and Love:
Adam Lane Smith delves into secure attachment, emphasizing the importance of loving oneself to build healthy, secure relationships.
The hosts explore how secure attachment can be cultivated within and outside of monogamous relationships.
Masculinity and Tribal Connections:
The significance of male bonding and the necessity of a supportive male tribe is highlighted. Dr. Glover shares personal anecdotes about his own tribe and how it has positively impacted his relationships.
Andre Orov brings a fresh perspective on how modern men can rebuild tribal connections through digital means and the role of curated communities.
Evolutionary Psychology:
An engaging conversation on how traits like ADHD and autism can be seen as evolutionary adaptations, and how they contribute to the dynamics of modern relationships and tribal structures.
Balancing Humor and Responsibility:
The episode also touches on the use of humor in managing relationship challenges and the importance of balancing serious commitment with playful spontaneity.
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - The Origins of Nice Guy Syndrome
00:11:00 - The Impact of Self-Diagnosis and Labeling
00:21:32 - Trusting Information in the Digital Age
00:32:10 - Avoiding Attachment
00:42:57 - The Evolutionary Adaptation of Avoidant and ADHD Brain Types
00:52:49 - The Importance of Connection with Men
01:03:50 - Managing Insecurities within a Relationship
00:00:00 - The Purpose of Marriage and Monogamy
01:25:52 - The Importance of Building Together
01:36:31 - Discussing Masculinity, Purpose, Relationships, and Love
Attachment fluctuates depending on who youâre in relationship with. Avoidant can make a secure anxious. A secure can make an anxious secure. Itâs how each individual relationship relates to each other⊠and who you are relating to that brings out the strength or the weakness of attachment.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on attachment styles and relationships! It's fascinating how different dynamics can influence our attachments. Each relationship indeed brings out unique strengths and challenges.
Wisest statement: âmonogamy is the continued choosing of the same partner.â Maybe the reason that it works is that both partners continue to see each other as the right choice-the best choice. So maintaining the relationship is not a âwhite knuckleâ decision made grudgingly because of what others think or what religion teaches, but rather at every point in time it is the most authentically satisfying path forward for both partners.
The Bible has never taught, "If you don't listen, you will go to hell." Instead, it shows us that we are living in hell, and if we follow its instructions, we will obtain peace.
Exactly! A book that really captures that truth is C.S Lewis's The Great Divorce, his speculations on the afterlife. And although of course we can't know with certainty, that concept that hell and heaven starts on earth and then continues proportionally after we die just rings so true to me. This is also the perspective of the Orthodox Church.
Interesting perspective on the teachings of the Bible. It's about finding peace in our current circumstances through understanding and following its instructions. Thank you for sharing!
@@ladyraspberry Reading the Bible is like reading tea leaves. One can find justification and support for just about anything in its pages. Itâs great if you find peace there but someone else might find the same peace in studying a phone book. And unfortunately some find in the Bible spiritual, moral and political verification for the most horrendous of positions: Slavers used the Bible to justify slavery. And the Bible has been used to sanction treating women as chattel and children as property and animals as disposable right-less objects. Using the Bible or some other favorite text for inspiration cannot replace the responsibility of making moral decisions and considering the consequences of those moral decisions. The Bible is a tool and people remain culpable for what they choose to do with tools.
Eye glasses are not natural. Cars are not natural. Computers are not natural. None of our potentially life-enhancing tools is natural. There is no reason why the interpersonal relationships we build must be natural. Natural ought not to be the enemy of what is good. If monogamy enhances lives and relationships, it is not important that it be ânaturalâ.
There are so many people like me who LOVE monogamy, it feels very natural and fills my heart with warmth. I find maintaining connection, having patience and pure empathy for your partner, even when youâre upset..the difficult part. Loving one person is not the difficult part.
Healthy attachment is not synonymous with romantic relationships only..we need healthy attachment with our family and friends too đ
Mother nature doesn't like monogamy? I disagree. Jealousy is very common and children thrive when they see their parents love each other.
Tribes have a bandaid solution which is support from the community. So they make up part of the problem of polyamory. Also, polyamory inevitably increases hypergamy, meaning only the top men will get all the women. Which would bring animosity between men in the tribe. Eventually anyway, which is probably why tribes stay small. It follows the power game, where the only the strongest survive. And we forget the times when the whole world followed that game, when societies routinely rose and fell at much faster rates than the last 1 or 2 thousand years.
We can just bring that same idea of bandaid solutions to justify today's trends of abandoning family. The government provides welfare for single moms (where the dad abandoned the family) and the children grow to adulthood. Done, mother nature likes deadbeat dads.
We can't ignore problems in societies while studying them. We say we evolved as tribes but even tribes didn't thrive. How can that make sense? If evolution is supposed to be optimal, why would we ever leave tribalism and polyamory? Shouldn't we have thrived under that model? That just means it wasn't working.
You bring up a complex topic about monogamy and polyamory. It's intriguing how different societies approach these dynamics. Thanks for sharing your perspective! Do you think there are elements of tribalism or polyamory that could benefit modern societies today, or are there other models we should explore?
We need more of this long careful thinking about evolved human nature. Chesterton called out some of the BS but people keep bringing up evolutionary justifications for immoral behavior. I like hearing from actual evolutionary scientists because I find they generally take pains to repeat that just because something is evolutionarily adaptive doesn't make it right (even if they won't fully admit why).
Usually it's the dabblers in evolutionary theory who use it to justify bad behavior or bad policy.
Itâs a choice. You can make any excuse you want. Either itâs for you or itâs not.
Absolutely, it's all about choice and taking responsibility. Excuses don't serve anyone well in the long run. Thanks for your input!
Mother Nature likes for her children to be deeply satisfied and nourished. Adam, if Mother Nature had to come down and pick who she wants to open her realms of bliss to between just the three of you, I can hands down guarantee it would be you, Adam. Because you are talking about the image of God as a father and husband. And we are created after a pattern, are we not? Meaning, a lion isnât going to get up on two legs tomorrow and ask me for a cigarette? Because itâs not in the pattern. And humans have a pattern. Our biology supports and thrives and everything grows beautifully when following the pattern. Like a beautiful garden, and the beautiful-hearted gardener. And thatâs what brings BLISS to a woman. And the children who are of her literal flesh and blood, may they flourish too. You reap what you sow. A female is a maiden, then a mother, then a wise woman. Itâs one small and beautiful life. God may not strike us down for not following the pattern but the richness and the bliss that lights up the good hormones is built in the pattern.
Thank you so much for your heartfelt comment! I appreciate you. It's intriguing to consider the patterns in human behavior and their relationship to nature. Your insights on satisfaction and nourishment are thought-provoking.
His statement is flawed about monogamy. Generally anything that requires discipline is not natural or easy. Over eating, working out, having a business plan for your life, etc⊠all require this so does being monogamous. thatâs not an excuse to not just like itâs not an excuse to have a good diet, a good plan for your life. If you want to be successful including in relationships and marriage.
You make an excellent point. Many valuable and rewarding aspects of life require discipline and effort. How do you think historical and cultural contexts influence your views on modern relationship structures?
@@AttachmentAdam itâs good and bad historically and culturally. Women for the most part always got the short end of the stick. There was no options or not many for either⊠people resolve themselves to survive.
Marriage was developed by men because there was too many Rugrats running around the streets due to the consequences of promiscuity and men not taking responsibility for their offspring! This goes back thousands of years. Thereâs nothing new under the sun.society suffers.
So men created the marriage contract and responsibility for men to take care of their own offspring so they werenât starving in the streets robbing, pillaging to survive.
This is what we see today all over the Internet with the luting, violence insert sectors because of fatherless children .
If a woman was lucky enough historically to marry a man that didnât abuse and run around, the family benefited . But historically women had no rights and were considered property by their husband that is not anything women want to revisit.
However, the Internet and porn have turned men upside down once again !
As a consequence relationships are not committed too, families are not nurtured and women are disregarded and abandoned.
Unfortunately the school system does not offer classes on healthy relationships long-term commitment and the benefits.
Clickbait is running amok catering to the male minds and the female furthering the gap between us.
You are offering a great service to those men that may stumble upon your information to be helped immensely.
change their perspective to a healthier mindset for successful relationships .
Thank you !đđ»
Yeah but the government doesn't want the nuclear family. They lose $ that way. If the family is split up it gives them more opportunities to step and take control.
I love Andrays and his questions - he seems like he understands Adam's philosophy well
Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Adam can you do a video on the differences between 'good game' strategies and avoidant tendencies. I don't necessarily think all of 'game' is avoidant tendacnies, some of it is tact and being people smart. But its a fine line. And if not done correctly can end up attracting anxious/FA women
Love it, thanks! Your suggestion for a video on 'good game' strategies and avoidant tendencies is noted!
I donât think you can truly cure nice guys syndrome without swallowing the red pill.
Interesting perspective. What makes you think that?
@@AttachmentAdam you cannot fully cure nice guy syndrome without internalizing the way women are and how society is catering towards the feminine imperative. Rollo Tomassi does a good job explaining this.
The blonde guy interrupts and doesnât allow natural flow, often. Rein him in for crying out loud. Smart guy, but a bit disruptive.
Thanks for the feedback, I'll pass it along.
Is Robert Glover a nihilist? Because people who think that way should just say that from the start so that we know whatâs their jumping off point before bothering to listening to them talk.
What makes you think that he is?
Maybe only heterosexual couples need religion for marriage. When secular marriage became available to gays, every gay couple I knew got married within six months and not one of them has since divorced. It seems sometimes as if heterosexual couples treat marriage with no more sense of commitment than they would in joining a gym and probably with less thought than in buying a time-share. When heterosexuals get married because it is what society expects, they donât seem to have the level of commitment shown by gays who had to fight substantial hostility to be married. There is more sanctity in the institute of marriage when entered by a couple that loves each other than by a couple buckling to societal pressure to be paired.
Lol this guy lost me when he said our dna is designed to act to sleep with a lot of people, very stupid statement and kind of lost credibility. He forgot jealousy, children and so forth and all the research in tribes where there were killings due to jealousy.:'D People that don't do monogamy is due to dysfunction the environment doesn't matter if its the natural environment or other.
I hear you. Different people have different views on monogamy and relationships. It's important to find what aligns with your values and needs. How have your experiences shaped your understanding of what you want in a relationship?
â @@AttachmentAdamI love your response to all the comments. I thought Iâd answer your question considering I have had some trauma. In my heart I feel I can speak for many people when I say I want a respectful, loving, friendship built on trust, warmth, and empathy. It doesnât have to be extreme love bombing nor does it have to be easy, or distant.
I reflect on Corinthians 13:4-7 that says love is patient, kind not full of rudeness and selfishness but finding that protective nature to define the relationship. It takes discipline and strength to put selfishness aside and put someone first.
A love that is safe, beautiful and worthy, something that God would admire đ
Just because something is biologically possible does not mean it is a good idea. People who reject monogamy are closing off a kind of emotional connectedness that would be possible only in a dedicated committed relationship. And practically speaking, the loss of that exclusivity expands the risk of communicative sexual diseases. People who reject monogamy do not escape the law of unintended consequences, which expand exponentially with more sexual partners.
His statement is flawed about monogamy. Generally anything that requires discipline is not natural or easy. Over eating, working out, having a business plan for your life, etc⊠all require this so does being monogamous. thatâs not an excuse to not just like itâs not an excuse to have a good diet, a good plan for your life. If you want to be successful including in relationships and marriage.
I have a absolutely valid point and I sense there is a backstory behind that. Could you tell us more about it?
Sleeping is natural and easy for most people but still many struggle with insomnia and they must discipline themselves to get better sleep, or even sleep at all if itâs severe enough. IE: going to bed early, turning off blue lights after 9pm, sometimes take medication, no caffeine after noon, etc.
Like someone else said in another comment, these âirregularitiesâ are a result of unnatural factors in the environment that make fairly natural actions feel difficult, or require discipline to change, therefore making it _feel_ unnatural.