Are some Men Just NOT Built for Monogamy?
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- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
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Dive into this comprehensive analysis of monogamy and discover how you can foster a faithful and fulfilling relationship. Whether you're struggling with fidelity or looking to strengthen your bond with your partner, this video offers valuable insights and practical solutions.
Is Your Partner Capable of Lifelong Faithfulness? Explore Understanding Monogamy and Men's Biological Challenges By Adam Lane Smith.
In this thought-provoking video, attachment specialist Adam Lane Smith delves deep into the complex topic of monogamy and whether men can be faithful for life. With ongoing debates about the feasibility of lifelong fidelity and the biological challenges some men face, Adam provides an expert perspective based on his extensive experience as a licensed marriage and family therapist.
Key Discussion Points:
Understanding Monogamy:
What is monogamy, and why has it been a cornerstone of human relationships throughout history?
Historical perspectives on monogamy and its prevalence across different cultures.
The benefits of monogamous relationships, especially in raising children and maintaining societal stability.
Biological and Neurological Factors:
Why approximately 25% of men struggle with monogamy due to specific biological and neurological reasons.
The roles of oxytocin, serotonin, vasopressin, and GABA in forming strong, monogamous bonds.
How the cortisol-dopamine pathway can make monogamy challenging for some men, leading to stress and the temptation to cheat.
Challenges and Solutions:
The difficulties of monogamy in the modern world and the importance of conscious effort and self-denial.
How secure attachment and proper brain chemistry can make monogamy easier and more fulfilling.
Practical advice for men struggling with fidelity and the steps they can take to build lasting, faithful relationships.
Societal Implications:
The impact of elite polygamy on societal structures and historical examples of its consequences.
The difference between the idealized view of polygamy and the reality of maintaining multiple relationships and households.
Real-Life Applications:
Adam shares insights from his coaching experiences, helping men develop healthier relationships and stronger monogamous bonds.
Personal anecdotes and examples of how men have successfully transitioned to fulfilling faithful partnerships.
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give this video on avoidant attachment a watch: • Anxious and Avoidant A...
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - The Debate on Monogamy and Cheating
00:03:04 - Polygamy in Different Societies
00:06:24 - The Struggle of Marriage and the Search for a Soulmate
00:09:27 - The Benefits of Monogamy
00:12:21 - The Challenges of Polygamy
00:15:00 - The Importance of Brain Chemistry in Monogamy
00:17:53 - The Neurochemistry of Monogamy and Cheating
00:20:30 - The Importance of Vasa Preston Bonding
00:23:13 - Building Long-Term Fulfillment and Joy in Relationships
00:26:02 - A Brief Interruption
I think people see so many loveless relationships in their lives that they lose hope on “love” and fear feeling alone so they surround themselves with people
You make a valid point. How do you maintain hope and seek meaningful connections in your own life?
@@AttachmentAdam carrying extreme gratitude and limiting how many people I personally interact with. I try my best to slow my life down and be very selective and conscious of what company I keep. I’ve seen too many failed relationships and friendships as well as experienced my own. All I can give for in terms of advice is to trust your gut.
Rosebud.....
People mistake loyalty with no options
How do you measure or test loyalty?
@AttachmentAdam Tell your partner you don't want to sleep together and see the amount of tests up your way ha!
@@Elena-ob9xd Haha, love that!
@@AttachmentAdam I think anybody with even a TV knows what that is don't cheat on your partner. You don't physically or emotionally allow yourself to be in situations where you step out you act appropriately, even if nobody were to be there to know it because you love and respect yourself first and foremost.
@@Elena-ob9xd that's irrelevant 1st you should've picked the partner that you want to sleep with that you like sleeping with... if it's a problem, you bring it up to them you seek additional resources to help you if it's that big of a problem to you then you neatly leave, but cheating no excuse
Esther Perel says women are more apt to be bored in marriage - craving novelty of experience (generally).
When her life goes stale, her sex drive deteriorates.
Men might want to “chase strange” while women want excitement and fun as a lifestyle.
Men want loyalty. Women want stability.
We are not so different
Love how she highlights these dynamics in relationships. While there are certainly general trends, every individual's desires and needs can vary widely regardless of gender. What's your take on how these insights apply to your own experiences or observations?
Why do people conveniently ignore the severe disadvantage those polygamous situations put the concubine/mistress in? They were essentially indentured servants with only that role and were doomed to never have a real husband.
You raise an important point. How do you think we can address and raise awareness about these inequalities in contemporary discussions on relationships?
@@AttachmentAdam concubine/mistress still exist in contemporary society, because married men still cheats and some of them even have children in anther house, sometimes their wife knows it just decide to keep their mouth shut for all kinds of reasons. So concubine/mistress is not a historical concept.
Adam, all the benefits you stated in this video is exactly why I love monogamy.
It's really so amazing when you do it right.
@@AttachmentAdam 1 gazillion % agreed!
Adam, thank you so much for this information. Deep in my heart I always knew monogamy was what I aligned with. I’m only 25 but over time from the result of my attachment style, heartbreak, the state of dating today, and social media I started thinking true love like what you are describing was for fools. I knew love took some kind of work, but hearing you describe certain behaviors couples must make together to release certain neurotransmitters suddenly made it make sense to me and seem possible.
I am currently at a breakup point with my love who I have been with for 3 years because I could never get myself to fully connect. She has had enough of my unhappiness and I am definitely on the cortisol/dopamine pathway like you described. Maybe our personalities really don’t align but a part of me is saying I never really surrendered into this relationship. I really hope to be able to make the right choice and if she is willing and you allow have some counseling with you.
Definitely!, Just email me at Support@adamlanesmith.com
I’ve been married to my husband for 34 years and I’m happy to say my husband has never cheated on me. He never strayed
So happy for you! That's wonderful to hear! What do you think has been the key to maintaining such a strong and faithful relationship for over three decades?
@@AttachmentAdam consistency, consideration for your partner, patience, commitment, sense of adventure and keeping communication open at all times
My favorite Attachment Theory video Adam… brillant content. I love everything you explained and find the brain chemistry approach revolutionary to human relationships. It should be taught in school as a mandatory sex education counter part actually the foundation document. Get your Adam Lane Smith Sexual Brain Chemistry for Dummies book now on sale lol. Tolkien studied esoteric wisdom (I think he was a Freemason?) but he used the word “glamour” in his letter to his son. That terminology is part of the esoteric books by Alice Bailey and amanuensis for the Tibetan Monk Dwal Khul - my spiritual study books :)… filled with advanced wisdom and knowledge. With regard to men who think they can’t be monogamous or just people struggling with desire as in lust, may I add this as food for thought. In context of seeing our energy centers - the sexual energy center is about Creation/creating/pro-creation. The reason so many higher achieving men in the stressful economic financial world are imbalanced and turning their creative pro-creation energy to sexual polygamy is to be driven by the limbic brain to spread seed as the way to express creation energy instead of the evolutionary pre-frontal cortex of channeling this energy to the throat chakra which is to be creative in art, or form building. In other words get a hobby and excel in it and you will find pleasure will come in a healthy way (another biologist I listened to explained the act of healthy dopamine without the over stimulus and flooding happens when you do the work first and get the reward after, brings the right brain chemistry). It would be interesting to find out the difference in men and women who have long investments into their hobbies where creative expression, acknowledgment and recognition reward brings more monogamy and happier relationships? Also service to others focused interests bring Nobel character affect people’s natural affinity to faithfulness due to choice to not hurt others by ‘using them for self’?. Men who are into hunting or fishing with mates change their brain chemicals to find joy and pleasure and stay monogamy’s because their creative energy is channeled correctly?
Last the spiritual aspect of the Limbic Brain channelled energy as in the American Native analogy that a person has two wolves with him - one white the other dark and the boy who asks his father which one is stronger was answered by his father with “the one that you feed’… each human being with his 114 chakra energy points, is ineffective a creator of life not just in the physical womb of a human baby. Humans are creators of thought forms that are fed by repetitive (karmic) more thoughts, ideology and fantasy themes on these thought forms ie sexual, eating, gambling, shopping etc. the limbic brain is compulsive because nature gave this to ensure the continuing sexual procreation continues. A thought form becomes a compulsive entity that Soiritual descriptions of demons, elementals, Satan-Saturn (Muslim description of evil entity), djinn (the Arabic term for demonic nature spirit. These types of energy beings are feed by emotional and mental thoughts which is their substance. Their intelligence is based on being feed the same energy quality-vibration of those repeated thoughts and feelings that are of a low nature. One has built a demonic entity within your auric field and it will make an ordinary desire into a compulsive desire. They can become hallucinating etc. this is the dark wolf that will whisper to do or get more of the lust etc. equally you can build within you an angelic entity attached to your aura energy field by practising all the Godly qualities of altruistic values. This helps people be Godly and not tempted for that which is evil or hurts others and self.
To transfer a negative built entity within in - one needs to practice the qualities of the fruits of the Holy Spirit to transmute the demonic by starving it of the repeated thoughts and feelings it feeds on. Mindfulness is paramount Humanity as whole of these demonic attributes collectively create Satan.. who is a being manifested by our collective wrong emotional desires and thoughts. When we individually and collectively change - so we will manifest the body of the Christed energy in earth in a more healed world. Everything is the eternal symbol of the 8 the flow between polarities and humanity is the middle point between heaven and earth or Spirit and Matter or Higher kingdom and lower form kingdom where duality is stronger … the saints of the past who had halos drawn above their heads were showing the luminous state of the transmutation of their aura fields overcoming demonic tendencies with building virtues and character resulting in angelic light within. This is the truer meaning of ascension. Collectively it will raise earth to heaven. Sadly those people who become sociopaths have a spiritual condition where they through self centered selfishness focused on lust at expense of others have built up the demonic entity until it smothers him and eventually their soul is pushed out and this one pointed consuming entity intelligence rules that body eventually causing that body death. Those sociopaths have no conscience left due to the fact that when a person continues to ‘sin’ creating harm to others in selfish pursuit, the soul or Higher Self severs the connection leaving this person with no conscience. Our conscience is the Divine state of mind in the animal form body - when that goes the human reverts to an animal instinct. Animals don’t have a conscience. A cat tortures a rat for play…
Wow! That's just so Impressive, Thank you so much for that.
Thank you Adam. I have a nearly fully recovered avoidant man in my life, but this last hang up is one that he stubbornly insists on holding on to. After both coming out of toxic divorces, it’s been a few years of slowly growing together, we’ve come a very long way, and the results are in; we have proven to be a safe, loving, trustworthy and passionate match but this last avoidant loop of his that all men need extra sexual freedom and demanding a “pass” to go out and be a player from time to time so that he can feel he is living his best life, threatens to eventually undo it all for us both. Sometimes I feel sad to have come so close to the dream life partnership but yet still be so far away. 😔
:( You were so brave to give love another chance, as love done well, in my mind, is the happiest place on earth. I hope he and you find your way to a safe and loving monogamous rltnshp in which you both can thrive. ❤❤
@@SowingSeedsWithChristy thank you 🙏 for your kind words.
I can totally feel you and fully aware of that, however an action must be made to save this relationship, I'm happy to help if you email me at support@adamlanesmith.com
What do you lose by allowing him to exercise that freedom from time to time?
@@lancel2071 companionship for months at a time each year. Peace of mind that my most significant emotional, mental, physical, financial and spiritual investment won’t be swept away by a new distraction. There’s more issues but those are the highlights.
Yes Theology of the body has definitely been helping my husband and I ❤️🔥
Amazing!
Brilliant 🎉
Glad you found this helpful! 🙌
18:25
This is the hardest part.
Growing up without that protective foundation of serotonin/oxytocin bonding
Coupled with neurodivergence and autistic symptoms, forming strong emotional bonds to other people has proved elusive and one of the hardest things to do in my lifetime.
Coupled with growing up in a matriarchal household where the men were emasculated nice guys with short tempers and the women had to permanently step into their masculine to pick up the slack.
I just don't FEEL the pros of long-term committed relationships.
I feel I have a really long, uphill battle ahead of me and I'm not exactly excited about it, in spite of the pain of where I currently am to be untenable.
And how did you overcome all of these in your life? are you staying away from any committed relationships?
You just described my husband's life. It is totally doable with the right person and both of you regularly checking in on the relationship with each other and continuing to try to surrender to this foreign feeling of bliss called love. Don't lose hope! This is a first for both of us and we have made radical self transformations in 8 months and of course we're still growing but it's amazing for the first time ever for both of us.
We are. When men think they aren't, it's literally the same problem that they bring up about women losing the ability to pair bond. It's the effect of sleeping with people before marriage and multiple long term partners. Goes both ways.
That's an interesting perspective. It's true that societal changes in how we approach relationships and intimacy can impact both men and women similarly. How do you think these shifts have influenced modern relationship dynamics in your experience?
Interesting. Interesting information. Monogamy is the best functioning. And those are very good points that you brought up about the issues that polygamy has often caused. I've been trying to learn about this subject ever since my spouse brought up, after over twenty years of being together, he brought up his lust 😑 fantasy of a threesome. And, I knew that, that is not for me. But he kept pestering me about it, and somehow my willingness to at least discuss why it wasn't for me at some point led to a discussion about more than one wife.
I'm glad you found the information helpful and thanks for sharing your experience. It sounds like you've been navigating some challenging conversations in your relationship. Have you found any strategies particularly effective in maintaining open and respectful communication with your spouse?
Hi Adam, thx for the great conversation!
It’s clear monogamy offers stability and benefits for childbearing. What about monogamy for people who don’t have or want children or are later in life, divorced etc.. what would motivate the monogamy and be the benefits in your opinion? Many thanks 😊
I was just talking recently with an avoidant man who has started experiencing oxytocin bonding with his female partner for the first time in his entire life. We were talking about how he has never seen the value in monogamy before, but now suddenly it is so obvious to him. The level of intimacy that monogamy can offer in a truly committed and loving is unmatched.
@@AttachmentAdamwhat has this woman for having flip his script. It is the famous " Just the right time"? Or the fear of dying without none at your side?
Just curious.
Thanks
I've worked on myself alot, had alot of therapy but there's still a long road to go. Most therapists talk in circles and are largely unhelpful. I've found a resonance in your videos but ..I'm an anxious or maybe disorganized attacher, and it seems you don't have too many videos on healing anxious attachments. Request for more on dissolving the anxious attachment!
I've seen you tried the therapy road and it wasn't that helpful, How about you email me at support@adamlanesmith.com and work things out together.
K, so I hear a lot of it’s expensive and difficult etc.
My question is: why is monogamy desirable for men (other than money)
Nobody ever seems to be able to explain this.
I always only hear of u are not monotonous than bad things happen. It seems like we don’t want to be but have to be because we must because the powers at be (society, religion, the wife etc wants it)
Can we please go back to the core question: what is ideal for men in the first place?!!
Your challenge to the societal norm of monogamy is thought-provoking. What are the potential advantages and disadvantages of different relationship models in your own opinion?
My person has a female friend from college that I think fulfills his emotional bond without any risk. She doesn’t want him and lives 500 miles away. He’s told me about her so it’s not secret but I know they talk a lot without me knowing. I don’t think they talk about me at all, I think they just have this bond they’ve had for 30 years and he’s had girlfriends, one after the other that last 4 or five years. I’m not sure I can fix this even with all of this info because he’s had this thing that works for him for so many years. I met her and she has no interest in knowing me. I’ve talked to him about it and never seen that mad. I pulled back because I wanted to think about it before he just left me. Any advice truly needed. I’m very in love with him and would love to spend my life with him, I have a somewhat anxious attachment style that I’m working on. It’s getting better, but he triggers it a lot.
It may seem like I should just move on, but we’re very suited for one another and we’re 60 years old.
It sounds like this friendship is causing you to feel uneasy, and you want to approach this conversation in a more productive way. I encourage you to reach me through support@adamlanesmith.com so we can discuss this situation in private and in more detail. I'd love to help you discuss this with him and find a balance that satisfies both of you.
I wish I could I don’t have the money. Is there any way you could cover this kind of topic ?
There is, allegedly, a “cheater” genetic profile that renders certain men unable to be physically and integrity consistent with one person, even if that partner is a “good” wife or girlfriend. There is a downside to this behavior: Note the personal, financial and STD chaos of some celebrities.
The consequences you mentioned, like personal, financial, and health challenges, underscore the importance of trust and commitment in any relationship. What are your thoughts on how societal norms and personal values shape our understanding of fidelity?
@@AttachmentAdam It feels to me that societal values of loyalty and commitment in general have degraded across the board. I’m seeing that trend in friendships and the workplace. The impact on dating, marriage and intimacy is devastating. More people seem to relish using and deceiving others. It has reached a point where people can’t commit to lunch. They think this lifestyle is sophisticated. It is chaos. I don’t see the fun in it. It would be more humane to have sequential or serial monogamy relationships. It would be nice if the cheaters could remember the rest of us are human.
Maybe this is a video you're specifically marketing towards Christians but some of the information and the narratives you're using or implying are neither correct nor helpful.
Implying that any culture that practices nonmonogomy is doomed to be conquered or wiped out by cultures that do, has anything to do with relationship style is a bit odd, or at least not causative. There likely is a linkage between entitlement and colonization with monogomy because they both will pretend (sometimes with force) that ownership of another is justified. Might does not make right and justifying a relationship norm based on the blood spilled by those labeling themselves Christians throughout history is hardly an endorsement.
The blanket narrative that doing anything else is simply appealing to "base instincts" and leads to an unsuccessful life is simply false.
There is a plethora of literature around polyamory (not polygamy or misogymy) these days that have built up a lot of terminology and ways of building secure attachment that are applicable to any and every kind of relationship.
Again, your video utilizes a lot of splitting (divorcing situations into only their extemes), so maybe I'm just not the audience for this, but there were a lot of implicit judgements you just rolled out. However, I would never recommend something like polyamory to a person who's struggling with basic relational skills as the learning curve for polyamory is clearly beyond most people's desires or capabilities.
As a polyamorous man whose been enjoying two securely attached partners for 6+ years as well as regular satelite partners I date occasionally all while maintaining a high performing/demanding job (while also no one in our polycule ever catching a single STI), I just want to challenge some of the logical fallacies used in this video.
Saying people cannot possibly have multiple well connected securely attached partners is 100% a false statement and I've not only experienced it, I've personally seen it in groups of people that have been together far longer than I have with mine.
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The last boyfriend I had was messed around by his mum but fails to recognise that. He treated me as if I was messing him around and in the end I had to leave. I don’t regret leaving but he could have been a great boyfriend if he dealt with his stuff. He’s 50 and never had a long term relationship. We only lasted 8 months.
And do you believe you made the right call or are you regret in your decision?
@@AttachmentAdamvery interesting question, thankyou.
I did what I had to do, yes I stand by it. I loved him so much and it was very tough.
We are back in touch now but I’m keeping to my boundaries. If we get to proper friends I may well tell him that he’s a commitment phobe but doesn’t know it.
Monogamy is not the issue low self-esteem is the issue... a lack of integrity is the issue wanting to go to people that don't know the depth of your lack of value so nowadays when women make money, the primary thing that men can provide is there emotional attunement and emotional availability
You’re actually so right about that!
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Everything interesting and important, but if you say you are going to tell men how to stay monogamous and then not talk about that for at least 14 minutes, I think you will already have lost many of them.
Why not get straight to the point and elaborate after? Men like that, at least that's what I've heard.;)
Sure, I'll keep a note of that, however did you watch the whole episode? and how was it?
@AttachmentAdam I really liked the episode, especially because I love evolutionary psychology. But regarding the question of learning how not to cheat, you didn't really get to it in the remainder of the episode either. What I got from it was: If you solve problems together, you will value her more and thus not want to hurt her. But how do you deal f.e. with feeling trapped and wanting to escape during hard times or simply horniness and desire?@@AttachmentAdam
There's no connection between cheating and monogamy. People who cheat don't do it because of sex but because they are cheaters.
What do you think makes them cheaters?
13:32 do you mean polygamist
Yes.
You approach this as if monogamy somehow has to be the default.
You yourself aren't monogamous. Or have you only been with one woman ever?
Truly monogamous animals have one partner and one partner only in their entire life.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! The discussion around monogamy can definitely vary based on personal experiences and perspectives. It's important to recognize that relationships, like many aspects of life, can take different forms for different people, and that diversity is part of what makes us human.
@@AttachmentAdam nice chatgpt answer
@@angmori172 you do raise a good point. How should a (truly) monogamous person approach dating others who have not behaved monogamous (those with previous bed partners)? Because they have treated intimacy and relationships as a tool to pleasure or other ends. And you can never really know how they see it if they say they've changed. It breaks trust early on and introduce an imbalance, unless you join them in a non true monogamous lifestyle before staying with them. Otherwise it might seem one sided, and you're like their concubine. You have no choice but to make yourself more vulnerable than they can ever be. And hope they don't see that as weakness instead of humility.
@@DoubleOhSilver start by realizing that there is no such thing as a (truly) monogamous human
🙄 Women are hypergamous and men are polygamous, these are our biologically programmed behaviors.
So you are choosing to act monogamous, but that's all it is: an act.
You sound like a woman, so this is really a non-issue. You want a man who is greater than you. Only with a man that you feel, deep down, is your best possible choice, will you feel close to satisfied. Because Jesus fucking Christ are women just physically incapable of being happy and satisfied.
Since you want such a man, you have no choice. You will have to be vulnerable, by definition. He is going to have more options than you, he is going to have more power, and it will only grow with time.
So no matter what, you are going to have to just be a damn adult and deal with that power imbalance.
Or don't, and be a spinster or a single mom, not my problem
I think we human are sort of like a doomed creature that walks in limbo in this matter, because by nature we are not monogamous animals like one will die if their partner dies, so monogamous is against human nature in some ways, but on the other hand, polygamy never ends well either, because human have hearts and minds, we feel hurt, jealousy, anger, hate and we plot murder against each other in polygamy setting, no one is truly happy in polygamy. So there's no real solution to this question.