How to Get Guys to Stop Sending You D**k Pics - Josh Johnson - Stand-Up Featuring
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- čas přidán 16. 10. 2019
- Josh Johnson explains why zoo animals aren’t like wild animals and remembers when his phone was flooded with dick pics after someone accidentally gave out his number. (Contains strong language.)
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One time we were at the zoo and my dad sneezed so violently the lion got startled
🤣
I had a friend go on a zip line at the zoo and she screamed so loud all the tigers that were sleeping were awake
🤣🤣🤣
Well, it is a dad sneeze
In the lion's defense, dads do tend to have a kind of terrifying sounding sneeze for some reason. If I didn't know what was making that sound, I'd probably be startled as well lol
you receive a picture of a wang, send a picture of a wang back
*IsSa BoOmeWaNg*
Wang in, wang out.
Ok best comment
You have no right to make me genuinely laugh for 5 seconds
Google how to delete someone else's youtube comment?
You had 666 likes. Now you have 667. Now people will stop refusing to like your comment because of the number. You're welcome.
"My phone would buzz and I would pray there weren't two penises in my pants" This crowd is giving him nothing, that's easily one of the funniest lines I've ever heard in stand-up comedy
Came here specifically for this comment.
i figured it out like 2 seconds after 😭😂
@@hotandstuff8277 I don't get it what does it mean
@@myheartwillstopinjoy8142 He keeps his phone in his pocket, he’s receiving a picture of a penis… Two penises in his pants.
That’s what I’m fucking saying!!!🫠😭😭😭
“Stephanie?”
yes?😂
“I used to be Stephen”
@@horsenuggets1018 PLEASEEE IMAGINE-
A Stephanie somewhere felt nervous reading this🤣
@@sweetpotato8384 I got nervous😭
Zoo Lion: "HE'S FROM THE STREETS!!"
CATCHTHESEDREAMS “he’s being dIfIcUlT”
I felt like the crowd laughed but didn't truly get that joke based on Josh reaction. Maybe just me
Your eyes say “meow”
🤣🤣🤣
😂😂😂😂
Man went from no hair to full on fro. Dude is hilarious
David Crook i thought it was a wig and at the end he would pull it off or something.
Bruh fr i had to do a double take on if it was him or someone else lmao
that's how he rocks, sometimes almost full bald, then full afro there's no middle ground to him
@YoungMoe155 Gotta admit, not much sideburns game goin on.. makes it look like it might be a wig. lol Dude's starting to get buff too.
Great recovery from cancer.
The way he holds a mic is a show in itself, i don't know why it looks so magic.
Some of the best comedians are those who hold their mic all fucked like. See Anthony Jeselnik
@Playlist merchant lmao
This is how the old school mc's and game show announcers did it. 80's and back.
Check Andrew Schulz. He holds it the same way
He looks like he sings and dances a lot of pop
i just ask them where's the rest of it... that usually kills their ego
😂😂😂
Unlikely. If they're enough of an over confident asshole to send one in the first place, middle school comments won't change much.
LMAO!! Beautifully clever!! 😅🤣😂
@@thejanssen6030 middle school comment? 🤔
I am very confusion
"Why would you send me a picture of your big toe"?
"No one who has died at the zoo has ever started a sentence with 'therefore'." What a great joke.
Flew right over their heads sadly, this set was brilliant!!!
.....I honestly didn’t get it.
Can someone explain it ^~^
@@dinab4444 Intellectuals begin sentences with words like "Therefore" and other not-so-regular words....he's insinuating we are not losing any smart person at the zoo cos you have to be pretty dumb to get killed by a domesticated, restrained animal.
Alfie Maurice oh I got it 😂
Thanks
@@dinab4444 Usually kids die at the zoo
The more hair he grows, the more emotion he shows.
He is a saiyen comedian
@@kevinkassoka8628 saiyn**
Cole Whitaker saiyan actually
Cole Whitaker idk how u incorrectly correct someone 😂
@@Bmoreflow I utilize autism mostly
"The urkle of lions."
the people who disliked are afraid of reincarnating as a chicken and being personally fried by josh johnson himself
Precisely!
zoo lion in the grasslands: im in the ghetto *ratatataa*
😂
😂😂😂
You deserve more likes sir
Bruh.... Hahahah I'm wheezing ,😂😂👌🏽
This is the essence of the movie Madagascar.
"I don't love you"
*walks away*
HAHAH my dad did that😌
Madison Karl 😭😭😭
@@madisonkarl7881
OOF
I am watching this late while my husband is sleeping and when he said that I laughed hard and woke him up 🤣🤣🤣🤣
@@TheOriginalLexa what tf are u doing this late lol
I honestly really liked this set! His lines make people laugh naturally because the delivery is so casual; he talks like he didn't rehearse anything and the genuineness of him just shines through. It's like a surprise every time he drops a line, in the best way. He kept a smile on my face almost the entire video.
I died at the "Stephanie" joke
I’d wake up in the morning, thank the Lord for a new day ... 😃
I take my eye off this dude for 1 second and he got a full ass Afro
Bruz, next time you blink, Josh will be doing a 1 hour special on Netflix with a FULL beard 🤣
They grow too fuccing fast
RIGHT!?! Next he will have dreads.
Afro chia
Yoooooooo
Josh look like he's stuck in a limbo between looking like a suburban mom and an 80s band
lil nugs same
What you're looking for is '70s rollerblading championship'
@@beepbeepcasucha the only valid response
Is he gay?
Undercover Mother
The whole hurricane segment I’m thinking of an inside joke between my friends ‘Tropical Storm Treyquan’
Lol I was waiting for him to say Hurricane Tyrone or something like that😂
I was depressed asf and Josh Johnson cheered me up. He's such a talented comic
"nobody who's ever died at the zoo started a sentence with therefore" that's such a good line. And so easy to adapt to general use
@OGPIMPDADDY666 not as of yet..
Jamie Finn My PaPa ClEtuS bAcKwoOd dIeD At ThE ZoE
Stevie Wonder and yet you misspelled therefore
@@yakigesher-zion7289 *and yet he. can't make grammatical mistakes when pointing out a typo... But thanks for letting me know.
“And so easy to adapt to general use” really makes me wonder what kinds of conversations you’re having in your day to day life
No one who has died at the zoo has ever started a sentence with , "therefore." I'm stealing that.
Same
Unbox and Destroy A person would use “therefore” when making an intellectual argument. A person who dies in a zoo is not intellectual and therefore would not use the word “therefore,” to start a sentence.
Unbox and Destroy you have obviously never started a sentence with therefore lol
@@cristiepel intellectual people would also not start a sentence with "therefore", because you don't start sentences with "therefore"
@@sirVhailor Yes you can. Therefore, you are wrong
"Bobby brings brisket to brunch" - Yo this dude is straight up poetic during a comedy set. The alliteration was completely unexpected! Loved it!
Josh: I thought I could see the future. Then I realized I had common sense.
*Saiki k: Wait-*
among us
"I would pray that there weren't two penises in my pants" 😂😂😂😂😂😂 that line is so underrated.... it deserves more laughs
Chandler M. Bing right I had to literally think about it for a minute
Yeh he paused for a second as well
It's a beautiful moment.
I didn't get it..
@@wanphodada7695 if his phone buzzed someone sent him a dick pic. His phone is in his pants
If someone sent a dick pick
It would pop up as image notification. Basically meaning there is a penis on his phone
So in total there are two penises in his pants aside from his peanut penis aswell
nobody:
josh johnson: *p e n i s e s e s*
Your pfp says it all
Also funny
Penii
i wouldn't complain about it xD
I read this as soon as he said it😂
His last joke "you confederate bastard" I'M CRY LAUGHING FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE😂😂😂😂😂
"Hurricane Lequisha"
[Air raid sirens across the Deep South]
Hurricane Democratic Sheriff
@@SavageGreywolf *_AW HOLEY GAWD_*
@@theradioactiveplayer3461 LOL
“The meat didn’t come out of this one he’s being diffiiiiiicuullltt”! 😂😂
I giggled my ass off
Ok Liza a
😂😂😂
That was HILARIOUS
1:14
He's actually onto something with the hurricane names. There was a study about how hurricanes with female names are more dangerous because people don't take them as seriously.
It's called "Female Hurricanes are deadlier than male hurricanes" if you want to look it up.
Phoebe Taber the just alternate male and female names from A-Z throughout every hurricane season.
@@maxotto9877 oh my god hahhah
at that point it’s natural selection lol
if they had male names, they'd be himmicanes
@@randallflagg6862 I'm disappointed but still nose laughed
his delivery, his tone, the timing.....it’s so good
the day I hear hurricane Jeff Bazos, forget the state, I'm leaving the country.
Why can't he have a Netflix special? He's got a lot great material
Nope
Nah
I would definitely watch if he gets one that dude has some hilarious stories. One of my favs is his catfishing the kkk
Because hes not politically based
He just needs to transition better
"Better...worse?"
"They're all bad"
I FELT THAT
@@cyb3r.k4ndy i gotta go back soon and I'm just kinda like... "Please don't get angry at me they're both kinda bad" 🤣
I had that too. The optician was getting really frustrated with me, because he thought I am not telling the truth, but then he discovered that my eyes are just dry, and that's why there was no difference no matter what he tried on me... So i just got some eyegel and they were fine after that. The thing is it is normally an old person problem, so he hadn't even considered that could be the issue with me...
@@raanianna4455 That's so careless. Before I got the giant goggles I was asked if my eyes felt ok. "No dryness or nothing?" He had me in and out like a fast food worker but he took care of me.
That’s why i might get lasik this year🥰😂
mhm
"two feet where my eyes are" .... Toph? is that you?
😂😂😂
Home
This kid is going places. His delivery is so unique.
Dude he's changed so much like he has so much more emotion when he talks now its crazy
Who are you bro
And more confidence
I liked his dryer delivery a little more, but he still slays.
Probably doesnt wanna be compared to jerrod carmichael anymore
Yeah....he used to be really chill on stage.
I think now he's more comfortable on stage
the line ”sebastian sounds like the worst thing that he’ll do is roast u about the wallpaper” was so slept on
nicola wilkman czcams.com/video/DtLRsvnu0YU/video.html he stole the joke from robin williams
He better have some nice wallpaper
My old manager was a flamboyant gay dude named Sabastian. Can confirm
Did anybody else think of episode 1 of Black Butler?
Tiger Rooster Watched the entire video, nothing about the two jokes were similar except the premise...
This guy looks like "The Jacksons"-era Michael Jackson.
okay, HE CAUGHT ME when he said "he's from the striits!" x'D
idk how he's goin on, but so far (51s) i think he's gonna be comedy-DIAMOND xD
He for sure deserves way more hype than this crowd is giving him
@@anjanamenon8821 we cant even see the crowd lmao. Just a bad crowd in general i guess.
@@anjanamenon8821
3:48
@@monaalvarez 5:05
You don't have to scream when you enjoy...
Naah most of his stand ups are like this. Its just his style. He prob not the type to make you lol ed so hard. He just chuckles you. And its fine, this kind of light joke are fun too.
He looks like morty from a universe where he's black.
I wish I could describe how much that made me laugh, that's dead-on😭😂😂😂.
No he doesnt him and morty just have tiny fros
💀🤣💀🤣💀🤣💀
😂😂😂😂 he does
@@indicakid4866 Its not always just looks bro. lol
“the thing from the justin timberlake album” crying
“Do you wanna TRY one more time?” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
He looks more like the microphone than the microphone
Whaat🤣🤣🤣?
XD
🤣🤣🤣
I'm the 69th like
Underrated
Josh Johnson is truly the master of timing. His jokes a delivered seemingly so effortless, but the effect is so deliberate.
he's A master
He reminds me of John Mulaney in some ways
This is awful. This is like the Friends of stand up
@MonomanTV He's very good, though. He'll get better.
He reminds me of a straight version of Jaboukie Young-White.
Him and Michael Che in that Netflix special
I saw one of his comedy show from 3 years ago, and he’s improved so much in his timing, expressions, and volume when needed. 😂😊
his mannerisms and the way he talks during these acts reminds me of Donald Glover's stand up work
I’ve never been to legoland. I just wanted you to think I was cool.
Do you always indulge Abed in these little misadventures? Take that back. Our adventures are very manly.
"Stephanie?!?" 😂
"it's Kathy"
"It's Stefon now."
Yeah?
@@peshgirl lol
@@peshgirl lmaooo in done im out this comment section u killin me😂😂😂
This guys always gets bad crowds. I’m over here rolling
Nathaniel Thomas right
Obviously they've never started a sentence "therefore"
Nathaniel Thomas Deadpan comedy isn’t really “laugh out loud” funny to a lot of people. Same with thoughtful comedy like Carlin. You enjoy it, but it doesn’t have you reeling.
the quality of the mic is too good for its own good, you can’t even hear the comedian’s breath, no noise, nothing... Only clean voice. Believe it or not, this takes away the feeling of stand up a little bit.
I like how people say "He aLwAyS gEtS bAd CrOwDs" never stoping to think maybe people just don't find him funny
honestly I really enjoy this guy so much - he's such a delight
clicked this on accident.
best accident I’ve made today.
His number neighbor did him dirty
Not gonna lie I give out my fake number so often I accidentally give it out by mistake and when I correct myself (I only change the last digit) the look I get from people...
Sarah Terry people who give out fake numbers are little bitches, only an insecure girl would feel put on the spot rejected some stranger guy, I’d straight up say no I’m not giving you my phone number. Sad.
Madeleine Price sometimes the guy feels threatening, and I use my phone number for a lot of different financial programs and I would really rather no one commit identity fraud
Hi number neighbor from reddit
Madeleine Price how does tht make them insecure? y’all just be saying anything on the internet
Zoo lions don’t roar they say “Rawr XD”
And their names are Alex, and they dance
They're controlled by a chip placed in their brains.
When the keepers want them to sound off (because it's not a natural roar as Josh said) they press the remote and the poor lions mechanically sound off.
Thinking about it, they might not even be real animals but something like animatronics like at Chuck E. Cheeses -- just made to look close to the real thing.🤔🤔🤔🤔
The government is terrible.
🤔🤔🤔🤔
@@lql1094 or...or...the lions are sad
@@lql1094 what
@@lql1094 that would be great bur you are talking about a country that rather let his people die than giving more money for theire medecine. Do you know how mutch a siborg mechatronik lion would cost ? Its waaay easy to cidnap one and puting him in a zoo
As a JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure fan, I am contractually obligated to point out that he is a JoJo
JOJO in New York
I’ve been watching this young man since he was first starting out and I’m so happy to see him doing well it makes me proud, even though he has no idea I even exist. I knew from the very first time that he’s special in a truly wonderful way.
"Hurricane gun control" now that will REALLY scare the Texans!
Yeah, it would!
*heavy country breathing*
You can hear the slight Texan panic.....
Guys you were supposed to keep the likes at 69 what the hell....
I'm Texan and I gotta say, yeah it would scare the Texans
“It could graduate to a category mixed grand babies” 😂😂😂 this killed me
🤣🤣🤣
Yess 😂😂😂
05:42
Josh: it's hurricane season again
Crowd: LMAOOOOO LOL HAHAHAHAHAHAH
Josh: It happens every year, people refuse to evacuate and they die for no reason
Crowd: Oops
I've opted to send them back a picture of a naked mole rat with the caption, "Aw! I've got one too!"
So I'm a little diabolical, sue me😉
What about the beach covered in sea snails?
Not gonna lie that's hilarious 😂
@@FWDSUXARSE Muffled Laughter.
This crowd doesn't deserve him. I'm wiping tears from my eyes and they're throwing out pity chuckles.
mrscoffeebeanqueen They we’re probably nervous. He hit too close to home...
They don't sound like pity chuckles
MsJamusic bruh fr tho
small venue
4:05
This guy ages like he forgot time exist
How old is he???
Another mila kunis
@@sarasaunders16 He is 33
Joe Rosenberg WTF I thought he was like 20 !!!
@@HoboJoe556 BRUH
I had a girl say to me once she just sends em one from some other guy back and that stops em lol
He's wearing a teacher sweater.
More like Mr. Rogers loan it to him.
"it's why I don't care. I don't care when people die at the zoo." Lmaoooo
I wanted more zoo jokes
did you call yourself Feanor?
He isn't lying send them a picture of one bigger than his. Works like charm.
🤣🤣🤣
Exactly!
Doesn’t work when ur gay
Send back pic of a big A$$ pair of scissors,. 😂🤣😉
That doesn't work.. i'll just say bigger isnt always better and send a pic of the balls
Love how he starts with the zoo and ends where he does. Brilliant.
So damn talented. Most comedians have an aura of darkness around them. This guy’s just pure light.
Everyone talking about how he has a fro now, no-one noticing that hes getting swole too
I like to imagine him still doing curls like "AUGH!"
Yea he look like he been hitting them weights
My gay ass noticed.
His chest
Thanks cuz my eyes went straight to them pecs😂
My gosh, he’s the cutest! So funny and he just has a joyful look about him.
I think he's super handsome too!
Oh yes, agreed :)
he got some beautiful hands
What’s a « joyful look »?
@@judethaddeus9856 a look of joy. Just a happy, content look about him.
Wow. This is a comic to watch. Great non-cliche material, outstanding timing, unique presence, and a genuinely FUN performance!
Zoo lion: *_rawr XD_*
KDNDIDNDIDNDOFJ
When it comes to the plural form, I myself am partial to "penii".
Sir Caco penii gang
LOL
How often in life are you not just talking about dicks.. but multiple dicks.. that you needed to invent a term to describe them all?
@@Sicaughtik It comes up in conversation more than you think. 😂
pen15z
"I DONT LOVE YOU and walked away" lol my socially awkward ass related to that joke a little too much.
Why does this man NOT have a Netflix special? Theirs so many less funny comics or even well known comics w/ disappointing specials, JOSH JOHNSON DESERVES THAT NETFLIX MONEY!
A racist rooster would be a Confeatherate.
Thank you.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
_Ba Dum Tss_
Nice one
Underappreciated lmaooo
if he sends one and you say “awww cute” he will never send another one again
🤣🤣🤣
False. I've tried this and he sent more to try to prove me wrong.
I personally use the microscope emoji as a response but I'll try this next time to mix it up a bit :)
Mel u prettiful
Jesus Christ you don’t have to do the homies like that
This set is HILARIOUS!!! I was literally wiping tears from my eyes not even halfway through
this crowd is not giving him enough laughs he’s so funny
This can be bad advise, my friend got sent a pic, she sent one back at him and it turned out... he was bi... 🤦🏽♀️😂
No one ever sees Us coming! 💙💜❤
We're sneaky freakies
Miickey LMFAO plot twist XD
What do you do then 🥺
EvanYes. No idea 😂
This guy is unique, smart, cutting and funny while still somehow being really nice and genuine.
Josh is so funny and clever with a unique take on things. Every line is hysterical.😂
'my phone would buzz...pray there ain't two Pz in ma pants' HyLarios... Fave quote thus far, been a fan for some years. Thanx for bnu
dude's got a very positive vibe about him
“We misuse the word karma.” Smartest thing I’ve heard a man say
Look up Alan Watts perspective on how westerners view karma. Y’all can get deeper.
@Jolyne Cujoh No, that is exactly the misunderstanding of karma.
Short Version:
czcams.com/video/aCgIRf6fbgw/video.html
Long Version:
czcams.com/video/rRRDiJ0BuEM/video.html
Thank u
Karma=Action
@@petermkn2816 karma: the universal law of causality (cause and effect) = thought, word and deed (action)
not sure how i've never heard of this guy, but he crushes it
I've seen him in person twice and he's just as funny in person, even jokes I heard about.
He looks like the black guy companies put in ads for diversity
Exactly 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Or stock footage for a college brochure
Orange Blossom 😂😂😂
😂😂😂 why does this make sense
Bruh🤣🤣🤣🤣
Been watching this guy for a few years now. He's always been funny but you can really see his improvement in delivery and confidence on stage from when he first started. Definitely one of my favorite young comedians.
Confederate rooster killed me 😂
His delivery is so perfect!
14:24 “ni.. ni.. niGGAAAA” that part killed me 😂😂😂😂🤣
Yes killer
I burst out laughing really loudly at "... to see who's thinking about me"
hahahahahaha
This is the best riff from Josh Johnson!
Excellent stand up! Loved it! 😆
That whole phone case thing is weirdly accurate...
I know right? Like, you clrearly are looking for Death right there! XD
Yyyyyyuuup!
Nope. Like Hannibal Buress, I believe in myself. That's why I don't use the lap-napkin when I eat.
@@dongadson1099 You better believe in biology and STDs too.🤣🤣🤣🤣
"Hurricane Tyrone" would put a smile on my face
@Inkosi-Inathi Memani Saame
Why not "Hurricane Felicia?"
Bro that would have been fire lol
Hurricane Shaniqua
“Tyrone the Cyclone”
Excellent set,I couldn't wait to hear what he said next. More videos please.
As I browsed many of Johnson 's lines in stand ups, I may say that he is doing an insightful sarcasm..he is clearly politically aware beneath the superficiality of some jokes . he does point to smart issues with gentle brushes of laughter.
“I dOn’T lOvE yOu”
*walks away*
Gotta try that one