Narcissistic relationships RUIN your COMMUNICATION SKILLS
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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If you talk to a narcissist with great communication skills, openess and kind honesty, this is an instant setup for catastrophe.
Absolutely
So true!
Agreed, but worth a try if you do not know for sure. If you talk to someone in a measured way and they lose their shtt, now you know. So my new mantra and yâall know it⊠Point your feet in the opposite direction of the problem and ambulate.
Very true. It took me 20 years (and a divorce) to understand this. If you treat your partner like a regular person who can engage in regular communications, you set yourself up for a forest full of bear traps.
â@MichaelBroder same here (plus SIX children - now grown). That divorce saved...my...LIFE! And spoiler alert: no, my ex-husband hasn't "evolved" at all. He has a new, very young supply now (poor girl, wish I could warn her), and seems to only be WORSE. THESE PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE! RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK! đđŸ
âCommunication only works with two healthy, self aware, well regulated, non antagonistic peopleâ
Good luck finding two people like that - anywhere!! đ
@@michelleluisce isn't that the truth my friend
Thank you for saying this â€ïž
My experience with narcissistic abuse has conditioned me to be less patient with other people's crap.
Oh yes!...
Sometimes people deserve more patience and I just can't give it wthout suspicion đ§
Lol so that
Bingo!
Me too. After I escaped the abusive narc ex, I made a decision that after I'd been to hell and back already, I wasn't going to put up with narc BS from anyone anymore. Life is better now. đ
@@AnnAndNala Yeah, I kicked 'em all out of my life.
I was given a lot of opportunities because of my natural ability to effectively communicate. Now, I overthink everything. Nothing comes out right. I second guess my own thoughts, opinions, feelings, and perceptions. I used to be able to easily navigate the most challenging conversations. Now I struggle with the basics and just shut down. When you spend a significant amount of time with a narcissist, normal conversations feel like diffusing a bomb. You start to adapt to absolute chaos and confusion. These relationships wreck you in so many ways.
Spot on!!
I really understand what you are saying... so I am sending big hugs for you đ«
Exactly. I overthink everything I do or say. The other day I heard about a woman who had a premie and I know she has to drive back and forth to pittsburgh everyday. I do not know her, I heard about her through my vet tech. I decided to buy her a gift card for gas. That was my spontaneous thought. I did it but starting thinking things like are you just doing this to show off etc. Who do you think you are etc. It was a spontaneous thought, I followed through but the mental gymnastics will continue for days.
I hear you. I understand. Facing the same challenges. Live in fear of communication.
Me too , i second ( third , fifth) guess may be anything and everything - so much so that it causes me stress - n thus i have stopped communicating to so many people , i don't want to solve "riddles" now - it tires me , I don't want to talk to anyone who is not straight forward even my own mum , i sometimes just chose to shutdown - i would rather prefer to be alone . And this is also causing so much hindrance in my career growth - I am a consultant , I am paid to talk but I have lost confidence in public speaking /presentations (which are my bread n butter) I need to work on these
Ive come to understand that the narc is committed to misunderstanding. Theyâre very clear on communicating what they want, but will mishear, misunderstand, or not hear you at all. Ive learned to do as much by myself as much as possible. This video is spot on!!! thx u Doc!â€â€â€
This is so very true. Sometimes when I think back and try to recall how my ex responded to something I said, I canât remember. Now I realize thatâs because he probably did not say anything. He may have just given me that blank stare of his that meant âweâre done here.â Or he would cry and I would instantly cave.
Brilliant and spot on!
Ditto
And that's what they're hoping you'll do. It's part of the manipulation.
They purposely twist your words because they thrive on drama, chaos, and the pain of other people. Everything is used against you - your personal information, opinions, any reactions or emotions. It's just used for their gossip, drama, lies.
Communication with a narcissist is similar to being cross-examined in a lawsuit. Shut up first. Shut up, second. Donât over-answer the question. Volunteer nothing. Never state anything definitive. GREY ROCK here.
Yes, being around narcissistic parents trained me to overexplain, justify, and defend everything. Personal information (and opinions/reactions/emotions) gets used against you, so I simply stopped sharing information about myself. This personality style wastes so much of your time and energy.
Exactly what it is, nothing about it helps you.
Yep donât engage. Itâs the only way
Itâs so aggravating when you forget this and take the bait.
@@iamlaDy19 , That "hope"...
misnderstanding is so intentional. exhausting.
I listened to this last night "Decode Secret Speech" by Sam Vaknin. This also helps to understand their deliberate techniques.
It is extremely exhausting to deal with, especially if you truly really believe that they just misunderstood you! These monsters do it on purpose!!
â@@yellowdayz1800and that's the really hard part to grasp and try to understand - that they are doing it intentionally. It's planned. It's calculated. It's deliberate.
I needed to hear this. After 30 years married to a narcissist, I have terrible anxiety when talking to others. I avoid it as much as possible. Now I have a better understanding of why I have become like this.
Next month 38 years for me and my health has been compromised the last 15 years. I cannot drive since I turned 55, Iâm fixing to turn 57 next month 4 days before our 38 th anniversary. Iâm isolated scared and donât know what to do still!! Last weekend was epic and exhausting but my reactional abuse still occurs and that is another â€thing all on me I know. makes things worse. I canât leave. He canât no matter what because of other reasons. Any advice. I donât have many resources. Just got on facebook last month! So Iâm way behind. Thanks to dr R I have listened to her a few years she is the main validation I can get. I thank you for the comment because I know someone understands â€
@@lainaentzminger9903keep listening and learning with Dr.Ramani. It will make so much sense to you. The FOG. (fear, obligation, guilt) will begin to dissipate. The way ahead will be clearer.
The only communication with a narcissist is its one sided . They rant you listen. It's simple.
Me too đą
Iâm glad I was only with mine for 5years. Canât imagine the abuse of 30years of dealing with them
The way to communicate with a narcissist is silence. Minimal words. Like testimony. Simple as possible.
Yes, but the focus here is how doing so makes us lose our abilities to communicate with EVERYone
@@LindaC616 I know.
đHey that Linda has almost the same handle that I have!
@lindac6919 hey there! đ I'm on the east coast
@@LindaC616 Pacific Northwest Native here. Pleased to meet you, coast to coast!
if boundaries donât work with the narcissist...
just slip out the back, jack. make a new plan, stan.
you donât need to be coy, roy. just get yourself free.
hop on the bus, gus. you donât need to discuss much.
just drop off the key, lee, and get yourself FREE.
cheers from southern ontario, canada đ
It seems that, like me, you use humor to cope. Love the lyrics
This is â50 Ways to Leave Your Loverâ by Paul Simon
Haha đ "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" Paul Simone đ.
@@user-zs7xh6ot4u gotta have some humor when dealing with narcissists. they are literally adult aged toddlers lol.
cheers, steven đ
@@777Pattie correct, thanks for the heads-up.
wishing all the best.
cheers, steven đ
I have been victim of narcissistic abuse from my family, exes and friends and I came to a point where I thought I was in psychosis and thought I was the one with a personality disorder and that I was the one twisting the narrative, can you imagine?! Then, I found a psy that saved my life and she showed me that I was communicating very well, politely, expressed my needs correctly, etc... That those people are just committed to not understand you.
I could see clearly what was going on around me, she gave me confidence in my own judgement that's only then that I could finally get out of that mind fucked psychological control. I almost killed myself because of them, there is no words to express my gratitude towards my psy and my anger towards those i thought was my family and friends. We live in a crazy world! Protect yourself at ALL cost!
I completely resonate with this. I even typed out a fight I had word for word, read it to my therapist and at the end she said, "It's him, not you." I was so relieved! I tell myself that all the time now, "It's them, not me," "It's them, not me," "It's them, not me."
â@@websurfer5772
đȘđ
I totally get what you're saying.
I'm so glad that you found a good psychologist to help with that and that you have come through it
â@@websurfer5772Right? I used to over explain my side of things and I tried to be as fair as I could possibly be even more fair to the narcissist when I was explaining them to other people.
When you're trying to explain this to other people you feel like they're not going to really believe you because what you're telling them is really unbelievable.
@@sharicoburn5475 exactly and sometimes, since our parents are narcissistic, we also choose narcissistic friends. We can have the same friends for 20-30 years and wake up one morning and realized we feel this way because our entourage kept us in a unhealthy state of mind. The only thing we know is abuse, how can we tell it's not normal? We can't...
And yes, it's unbelievable for therapists, others friends (lots of enablers), I found my peace since I isolated myself, I can create art again, I found myself a little bit.
Sometimes it hurts so much that the only way to survive is by being alone until you know your worth.
Don't lose your energy to explain yourself, they are committed to not understand, just leave and never look back. It hurts at first but then, you realize things you couldn't see without leaving. The most important person in your life is YOU. Your sanity, your freedom, your happiness is the only thing that should matter, every day!
Communication with a Narc is just wasted breath.
One thing I found helpful was getting out of the house and being among people. A free walking tour or an outdoor mall. I am so used to being with a narcissist 24/7 that I knew Iâd have to start slow. Plus, Iâm an introvert. Socializing is a challenge anytime. đ Listening to you has been life saving. Iâm much stronger now. â€
Ty for sharing, I will try that
If you are allowed to leave. They would call you ten times while you are out:"why is this taking too long...when will you be back..." and the tone gets worse with minutes. I watched a guy do this to his wife.
Was it me???â@@faithkadiri1254
wow we are kinda similar in this situation! im with a Narc 24/7 on work & live , & im an introvert so i donât go out & socialize at all. when we are not working together we are on the phone 7-8 hrs straight!!!!!
@@LongNailsandMinis â€ïžđ
I cried through this whole video. You just described my entire existence after 20 years of this. The constant arguing semantics, just never quite able to understand what Iâm saying, itâs the way I said it or words he wouldnât use, or if it should matter or what a certain word I said means. The constant, ever-moving bar for what we should or could be doing instead of whatever I needed to discuss. I could go on and on. The result is that Iâm afraid to have a conversation with anyone because heâs taught me that reaching out has consequences, it means feeling alone, misunderstood and embarrassed.
This video was the moment something clicked for me. Thank you.
So true đ I walk on eggshells around the narc husband, afraid to discuss anything as he is volatile and always causes an argument, even over petty stuff. He will glaslight, deflect, manipulate - and on top of that, he will then give me the silent treatment, most of those have been months at a time! They deliberately make out they donât understand what youâre saying. They are never the problem. No wonder thereâs never a resolution, acknowledgement or apology. Infact, the arguments are not even about what the issue was in the first place. He gets personal just to get a reaction so the focus is taken away from his behaviour. Iâve wasted nearly 30 thinking one day a miracle will happen and he will realise the damage he has done to our family/marriage, but nope, because narcs donât want to change, they know what theyâre doing, itâs a choice they make. I have GAD and social anxiety as well as other anxiety disorders, and I hesitate talking to people, even family, as Iâm afraid of saying the wrong thing. I get my words mixed up sometimes like my brain is tied in knots. Narcs confuse us. They drain us. We will look back and realise what a total darn waste of our life spent with these evil beings đ
@@nickijames5122 Iâve been thinking about this all day and can relate to everything you said. It definitely feels like precious years wasted, but I have more years to live and donât have to waste the rest of them! I keep reading âthey never changeâ and I finally understand what that means. Wishing only the best for you. No one deserves to feel this way.
@@sl1456 I've read they can't change even if they want to. đ
The narcissist pushes you to create another style of communication that is compatible with his pathological condition by canceling the self
Oh no. This sounds right.
I've bitten my tongue so many times that I still don't know how "I'm supposed to sound".
đâ€
Been there đą
OMG the hyperverbalism since my split from my ex has been horrifying! Itâs finally calming down as my nervous system heals. All these post-traumatic symptoms are SO SCARY. Especially when youâre at an age where you think every verbal or cognitive slip is the beginning of senile dementia LOL!!!
Dealt with this, did you al have any kids with them?
You start to think all those were always MANIPULATED in the first place...
Finding out what NPD is was the best thing that happened to me in my entire life.
Same here!
And divorce.
Butt knowledge... was life saving. Still is. â€
After a lifetime of psychological and emotional abuse, this message is resonating _loudly_ for me. I have added this video to a playlist so I can watch it again as I am currently working on healing my many wounds and reprogramming my mind.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for your work.
This is why being with a narcissist is a precious waste of time. Not only is it difficult to gain good communication skills in a narc relationship, but if this is a workplace narc or workplace narc system, you will not gain knowledge that is critical to furthering your career. This is the same for students in school around bullying students and teachers.
In long term relationship with narcissist, I donât even try to communicate anymore. Iâm always wrong.
I try to keep it to 3 words or less.
Can relate. I wouldnât call myself as naturally shy but due to narcissistic abuse for years, I ended up over talking and also being so withdrawn that itâs hard to balance. I overanalyse everything too and wish I could get support. So difficult. Slowly getting there but itâs taking time.
Oh gosh! That is so true! We overanalyze everything after that... the version that MAY be true, the version that CAN be, the lie we know exists, and the intuition telling us something else...
They always use a half-truth, but which part is the truth? That you'll never know, and if you do, it's worse than you can imagine.
I can't reverse that now. I overanalyze everything, even 12 years later... I really have trust issues, and I don't think I can get over it.
Whoa. I Didnât realize how much 30 years with this narcissist affected my communication. Thank you Dr. Ramani
My narc mother to me:
"You always say that communication is important for a healthy relationship, so now I'm communicating you that you need _______, I'm communicating that you must ________, and I'm communicating that you should _______. " đ
đ jayzus
@marioVSN.....
Yep,
ditto
đ€Łđ€Ł
đ So true! My brother and sister in law did the same thing. "We want to work things out and move forward in a healthy way. That being said, you can't make decisions for you and your family without our approval." đ đ đ
I would love to see at least eighteen more videos about this particularly corner of narcissistic recovery! The damage that is done to the laws of communication by narcissism reverberates throughout society.
Hear hear!
I concur!
... at least 18. đđđđđ
@@irenahabe2855 Exactly 18!!!!! đ€Łđ€Łđ
I find that writing helps in claiming oneâs own sense of identity. Slows the mind down enough . . .
Yep. I've even found that if my husband and I start fighting, I go in the other room and type him an email about it, read it and edit it before sending it, and it goes much better when we talk to each other that way. Luckily, we're both into typing all day anyway though. Not everyone has that option, I just realized.
I gave up pretty soon on arguing in my marriage. I just didnât have the energy to keep beating my head against a wall.
Took me years but I got there too. When I shut that door it was never opening again
Youâre on point. Iâm an etiquette and protocol coach and consider myself a good communicator, yet my experience with my narcissist ex shattered my confidence in my skills for a while. Fortunately, I have great friends who kept reminding me of my abilities and helped me get back to my real self as narcissists they do diminish you over time. Thank you for this video, always helpful đâ€ïž
Narcissistic folks are attracted to good communicators because theyâre unable to communicate within their own heads and sometimes outwards too. So they rely on significant others in their sphere to reframe their mistakes in communication. Yet, they never see that and often will be angered when others try to help them finish a sentence they canât get out or try to interpret things which were misspoken
@@cindynimmo You're right. I hadn't thought about this in isolation before. Yikes.
For hundreds of hours I got scolded for being shy and uncommunicative amongst other things.
There is no point in being logical with a narcissist- and he was always telling me I didnât listen and he would spend the majority of the time talking word salad/ I got very good at blocking things out as well, memories of things he said to me or the way he treated me.
Iâve learned this years ago with my ex. Itâs like they stare off into another world while youâre talking. Or they just twist every word Iâm saying and turn it on me
@@PoyTroythe worst part is they actually think theyâre right, itâs not like they are arguing because they donât want to admit the are wrong, they just canât imagine that could be wrong.
Anything and everything you communicate to a narcissistic person, is an ammunition theyâll use against you and hurt you.
Exactly đŻ
Great content! I talk to clients all day long, we communicate, and its mutual respect. It is only when I arrive home that the circus begins, and I have to basically go grey rock. I feel sometimes I live two different lives. Fortunately, I spend more time at work than at home!
I always tried to explain to my own family that I would always be calm and polite when trying to talk to the narcissist husband, and how Iâd use the right words but because he is narcissistic there was never going to be a time that he would listen and understand or change his behaviour. They always thought I must have said something wrong or Iâd said it in a way that annoyed him. Neither were true. Communicating with a narc is like taking a horse to water and making it drink. It just doesnât work. Easy to blame the victim đą
Your family isn't safe
đ †Me, reading the title, being raised by a narcissist: Which communication skills?đđđ
I learned communication at 27 years old when I started therapy. No joke. Changed my life extremely
For the whole last year of our relationship I refused to talk to my narcissist at all except via text only. It was literally the only way to stay sane and have an unimpeachable record of what was said. The lengths one must go to just to be able to function as a human being at the most basic level with these demons is ridiculous!
Thank you for this information.. I am slowly coming to realise that I've grown up with narcissistic people around me and that I've never known how to properly communicate or ask for what I want.. The only person I was able to do that with was my dad, and he passed on 14 years ago now... Now I'm with someone who does have healthy communication and it hurts me that I can't even express how I feel in the moment without fighting the urge within myself just to reply with 'I'm fine', 'it is what it is', 'I'm over it'
I've always wondered why I don't know how to communicate like the 30 year old woman I am and so many others can do it so much better than me. Lol
After 25 yrs with a malignant narc, I'm afraid to get into a healthy relationship because I don't know how to communicate anymore. I just shut down a few years into the marriage, went Grey Rock. I couldn't take the constant fighting and I was beginning to loose my sanity. Meal times were spent in silence, as were car rides. Sex was awful. We never went out alone because we had nothing to say to each other. We mainly texted, brief msgs
One of my biggest struggles is communication, now I see why! However Iâm willing to change, because itâs caused me problems with constant âumâ pauses, stutters,& not coordinating words well due to the authoritarian tendencies from my narcissistic mother.
SAME I RELATEVTO YOU once iy was so bad that I almost lost my ability to present coherent thoughts statements. I've always had bad throat/asthma problems duevto not able yo express clearly it sucks
You are great blessing Dr. Ramani for all the victims of a Narcissistic abuse.
Clear and direct communication just does not work with narcs. It seems to either frighten them _(as there's nowhere to hide)_ or it seems to come off threatening to them.
Because they are NEVER wrong, in their own mind. If they acknowledged straightforward communication, they would have to take responsibility for their own words/behavior. They only pretend to 'not get it'. đ€·ââïž
So true. Ongoing communication with manipulative people who gaslight or are consistently passive-aggressive and/or domineering is a total waste of energy. Especially when they try and trap you by 'playing nice' or gotcha behavior, unless circumstances require diplomacy to avoid/minimize further problems.
This episode hits me hard đą
Thank you so much for sharing and
give education about narcissism.
Age 46, raised by covert narcissistic parents.
Found out a couple of years ago what it really means to be raised in such a toxic situation.
Big hug to all survivors â€
This is so true. My brother came to visit me and it was so nice talking to someone who was open, healthy and acknowledged my feelings. It reminded me that I dont always have to tip toe in conversations or second guess myself.
My nEx would complain that I didn't talk with him, because I'd have long conversations with my brother when he came by. He didn't have the self awareness to realise that he was the problem. He never even pretended to listen when I talked đą
Over the past four years since I discovered Doctor Ramani, I've stopped apologizing, overexplaining, sharing too much, and acting goofy. I've become more confident, been watching what I say and keeping a lot more to myself, getting straight to the point concisely, and carrying myself with dignity. I'm not acting egotistic. I still show kindness and humor. But I've just shed all the dysfunctional coping mechanisms and ways I was trained to act that have interfered with my capacity for mature relationships while learning how to act healthy, and it's been attracting healthier people who take me seriously and respect me like I've never experienced before.
I survived this long by keeping my mouth shut.
I have always thought of myself as socially ackward. I often trip over words and become anxious when speaking to people I know but are not good friends. This makes sense now, thank you Dr Ramani
It really all began with the way my narc father treated my mom, my brother and I. Thank you so much, Dr.Ramani, for saving us xx
I have spent the last five years in almost complete isolation. The pandemic was the perfect excuse for how I was already living. Iâm the scapegoat of a large family cult, number 7 of 9.
Girls and women were to be seen and heard. We were told to get over it even as we were being abused in real time. Forgive and forget and shut up about it.
I often find myself âstuckâ when I have to communicate. Or, on the other spectrum, I over communicate to the point of embarrassing babble.
The CPTSD I suffer from has kept me in limbo. For 18 years I have moved from country to country non stop (except during the pandemic where I found myself in South America).
If I have to have communication with the family cult I shut down for weeks afterwards.
My adult son is a journalist and a fabulous communicator and he is passionate about passing those skills on to his children. Iâm in amazed at his ability to speak freely and clearly. How can he be so good at communicating with a mother like me??
đ€
Because youâre a deeply loving, caring, kind, compassionate, empathetic mother who loves her children. You remind me of my mother and we get abused by my dad too. I wish you all the best on your healing journey. đđđ€đ€
Brilliant. I do catch myself sometimes leaving out important details with healthy people. So definitely a thing!
Thank you Dr Ramini. As usual when I listen to your videos I learn more about narcissism, but also about myself and others who have been hurt by narcissists. It explains a lot about human behavior and makes me more understanding about those close to me. â€
I needed This video at this exact moment. My mom & dad are both high on the đ emotionally immature spectrum, I think they are narcissists. Were all afraid to talk to my dad due to his rage. With my mother she takes jabs, plays victim, and does and says some of the weirdest almost scary things while staring at you directly in your eyes. Iâve had to shutdown my personality to survive them. Now they are wondering why Iâm so quiet.
Communication with a narcissist is always one-sided. Only their opinions matter while you have to mute yourself. Very agonizing and infuriating. When is it ever not with a narcissist?
Thatâs because one is only an object with a narcissist-not a person. They only see themselves in the mirror and others donât really exist to them. This is the pathology of narcissus.
100% â€đ„ sociopaths learn the cold empathy and communication skills. So dangerous
Honestly Dr.Ramani I look for your guidance daily
Trust no one is my mantra. I'm too old andvtoo eise hope for any kind of relationship...never mind a abusive one .communication is key but everyone in it for themselves in life. I had a walks to the balls kind of boss. He loved attention.....I haven't seen people in years
That got me into a vicious cycle. I failed in many job interviews after quitting toxic workplaces.
You need to find the new job and get hired (and give a notice period to both companies) before you leave your existing job.
Itâs the only way it works Iâve found, at 23 years old without losing money. Because I too used to just quit toxic jobs when I was younger with no backup plan, then get stuck with being unemployed and having to claim benefits. It was a very tumultuous time. I hope this helps.
But our experiences do make us stronger. I wish you all the best đđ
This is so true. I started to feel scared to even meet people at interviews, bcoz it generated emotions of being interrogated, and cornered, and I dreaded them.
Had a job interview today.. after three years. Messed it up. Over spoke, over explained like I was trying to prove I'm not doing anything wrong.. over friendly, anxious like they were interrogating me. This has been a pattern for a long time.. it came up again. Now I don't even know what to say anymore. Whatever I say, even at home, I'm held accountable, corrected all the time, told I shouldn't be thinking like this or that. I'm constantly apologizing. Covering up, trying to go around instead of being direct. And it seems like I'm manipulating.. but I'm not, I just you know.. I don't know... and even when I'm talking I go round and round.. when I write I'm saying the same thing in different words.. like.. its difficult. I don't think this will ever get resolved. Better to stay alone. World is harsh.
Play around with Chat GPT. Type answers to interview questions then ask it to change tense ie. Friendly, Confident, or 8th, 12th grade level, college level etc. etc. Then memorize. Also Denis Sesal hr expert videos. Hope this Helps! PRAISE JESUS â€
Play around with Chat GPT. Type answers to interview questions then ask it to change tense ie. Friendly, Confident, or 8th, 12th grade level, college level etc. etc. Then memorize. Also Denis Sesal hr expert videos. Hope this Helps! †PRAISE JESUS
I was not aware that I had poor communication skills, but you're totally right... Thank you so much!!!! đâ€â€â€
Such a big psychological itch that never seems to have gotten scratched before - THANK YOU
Yes. I so need this.
This is so true. Thank you Dr. Ramani. Thank you so very much.
I still have this struggle when trying to communicate with non-narcissistic people. I tend to over-read the subtext or worry about hidden meanings when people are being open because I was so used to things having a hidden meaning. For example, when my husband would say, "Why don't you take a break from cooking and we'll get take out this week.", I would hear "Your usefulness as a cook is not needed. You are not needed." and I would cook extra food to prove I was needed. I was only able to stop this after I talked with my husband about how I felt when he said this. The funny thing is that with several things like this, talking about them with someone caring seems to greatly reduce their hold on me - as if they were vampires who die in sunlight.
You story is so heartbreaking. I pray for your divine healing and happiness soon. May the heavens bless you xxđđđđ
I, too, struggle to take anything at face value. My radar is constantly on. I over analyze and try to decipher the true meaning of what a person is saying. I'm much more guarded now
Spot on - really good to hear weâre not alone
Yes! I feel like I have to write things down, take notes, so i remember things correctly! Gaslighting destroys your confidence in your own memory!
And amazingly, you still get it wrong. There's no way to get it right.
@@BeachPeach2010 correct! Because they change the rules in the middle of the game!
These people donât know how to communicate with parters and kids. But they do very nicely with strangers. They have two faces⊠Wolf in sheep skin!!
Many first-generation immigrant parents save their frustrations for their children, while being obsequious to the society theyâre new to. My father did this (and had vulnerable narcissistic traits). and my siblings internalized both.
To be honest, I am very grateful to Dr. Ramaniâs channel: it saves my mom (sheâs 70+) from going insane from all the abuse of her narcissistic elder sister, who recently and finally discarded her.
YOur mom should spend a good amount of time in nature to get grounded and also take her physical health regiment seriously including walking, workouts, nutrition, etc.
At least she finally got rid of her. There's still mourning and healing to go through though and I know that's not an easy road. Blessings to your mom.
Thank you for your amazing videos! They have helped so much!
A decade out of a lifetime of abuse, I have become mostly isolated and just pretty much stop talking to others.
Itâs too exhausting and emotionally devastating to deal with people anymore.
I couldn't believe it when I saw this in my natal chart. It's my destiny (North Node) to be alone all the time. I'm a Pisces sun but my North Node is in Cancer. I've been trying to come to terms with it every day. My whole chart reiterates this all the way down to the asteroids. Other people's don't, I've checked. Mine says it's rare. I'm also 80% extroverted so this feels like I've been put on Time Out. What a life.
Oh wow you just nailed me-I over talk and I feel like Iâm always weighing my words. Very convoluted as you said. đą
Thank you! I recently spent a week with the people I grew up with and experienced serious criticism and judgement for not being who they have always treated me as.
Iâm so grateful for the work Iâve done with multiple therapies and therapists and content creators like you â€. It has helped me to trust my intuition and not engage when they attempted to escalate and get an emotional response. I got the hell out of there before I slipped back into unhealthy patterns.
Thank you for this. I was always so social and had plenty of friends in the past. Never any issues with social anxiety. Now I constantly overthink everything I say around people and second guess myself. I feel so awkward and not myself, but donât know how to get my old self back. This video helped me understand why Iâm like this now.
I just realized it's also messed up my thinking and my ability to meditate or stay asleep.
Well said! Thank you! đ
This is video so timely. Now that I am no longer in that relationship, I am struggling through basic conversations, especially with people I don't know. I didn't have this issue previously. In fact, I have become socially anxious and awkward at times.
I hear you. Me too. It has not only been shocking to me. I think itâs been surprising and hard to understand for people I have known for so many years. But I do seem to be getting better now that it is three years post split.
This is amazing. I was an awkward kid, but learned how to be socially successful and carry good conversation. Now after seven years with my covert narc, I am almost back to square one. High blood pressure for the first time because of holding everything in. Having to pull back and just not care, because you can't pick and choose about caring- you either do or don't. Making sure you don't set off the rage. I'm in my 60s and feel like most of the progress I've made has fallen away. Confidence is shot. Trust in my own perceptions is gone. This talk is spot on
There's a famous speaker who said that the quality of your relationships is based on the quality of your communication. The speaker did not say "good quality," mind you.
I think it's the other way around. And we're only responsible for 50% of our relationships.
I was instilled (as a very young child) with the knowledge of severe abuse within my parents family
This knowledge shaped my worldview as a child and (understanding) act out in very difficult ways (it also left me isolated from the friends in my neighbourhood (I told my next neighbourâs kid about tiy and that parent no longer let me play with her (that was a painful and confusing moment for me but as an adult, I can understand why she did that I was simultaneously told âto just be myself
I was never listened to and therefore never spoke up for myself
My hope was to be able to get space from my family in order to process this trauma in a way that I feel safe (and also doesnât cause family conflict because I canât handle that - speaking about these things is NOT EASY - especially to the ones who have caused you that pain
I lived in a constant state of âfearâ as a child although I was constantly told to just ârelaxâ and that it was normal to experience this and that I was over sensitive for expressing emotion
Most of life has been about just âsurvivingâ -and making the past of things but I am tired and burnt out and I canât go on living this way
As a right this, a big of me expects no be believed or have my feelings validated ( being gaslit is a normal occurrence for me
I love my family dearly and I hate to think about it will cause them hearing this but I know theyâve been through a lot so I m hoping theyâll be ready to forgive me
Honey, don't tell your family anything about this. It's not going to work out well for you. Keep listening to videos like this and only be a gray rock around them. Sorry, that's the best advice there is .
Iâm so sorry. Itâs time to let go of your evil family. You can still love them, but from a distance far far away, nowhere near them. Make sure you live your best life happy and independent of them. Blessings for you đđ
When they talk instead of me like I wasn't able to talk.Then they tell "we tell instead of who cannot talk".But I can,then why they talk instead of me?Only ego,they want to rule everything and displacing others.
That thinking of every word part before you say it. Rang true while I was with my ex. Even the simplest of questions could get misconstrued when talking to my ex. It was then that I learned I had Fâd up, and I needed to exit lol
The weird part is when they would just make shit up during an argument, just rewriting history. thats when i just shut up,listen in awe, and am totally validated in my decision to get the hell on
Yes yes everything you are saying is correct! I tend to over talk when with my close friends and they totally understand. I apologize a lot. They tell me stop apologizing, itâs ok. Something happens everyday, in regards to lack of proper communication.
Absolutely truth
I was just journaling about this exact thing a little bit ago.
I watch these videos with a journal in front of me and write out the thoughts, memories, and processes that pop up. If CZcams were a VCR, I would have broken the pause button by this point.
It helps me get my thoughts more linear so I can communicate them better, rather than try to pick the needed snowflakes out of the shaken globe in the moment. The result of this is a lot of quality work in my therapy sessions.
My whole life was like that growing up with ASD dad & then an ASD husband. I had to learn that it was not my communication problem & had to learn who I was after I was finally free
As an autistic person, I ask that you please not conflate autism with narcissism. They can coincide, but they are different conditions.
Iâm glad that you are free of difficult relationships. It sounds like the people in your life were emotionally immature and possibly also narcissistic. It is my experience that men get a lot more leeway to say totally out-of-pocket things when theyâre on the Spectrum, and thatâs not fair to anybody - including them! Weâre not teaching autistic kids about kind communication on the level we should, so we can often end up stumbling through it as adults - or if weâre unfairly privileged, maybe we donât even bother to learn it.
The main difference is that itâs hard to âread the roomâ when youâre autistic, whereas a narcissist often has the insight but just doesnât care. If you put both in one person, that definitely is a nightmare.
Thanks for sharing your experience and I hope you have a great day!
@@emilysmith2965 It's also important to note that many autistic people do honor and respect other people's communication when it's DIRECT.
Many autistic people CANNOT (not won't, CAN'T) learn to respect other people's indirectly stated or implied boundaries because we simply cannot "see" the unspoken signals that someone is uncomfortable if they don't tell us. And "treat someone how you want to be treated" doesn't work either, because how autistic people want to be treated is often different from how allistics want to be treated, which can cause a lot of hurt on both sides.
For many autistic people, much of communication IS just the words we say. Autistic people DO NOT see tone and body language like neurotypicals do. We are not wrong, "less than" or bad people for needing a communication style that is about simply stating what you need, think and believe in a blunt way. We are simply different. While nobody should ever be cruel or manipulative on purpose, I think it's important to push back on the idea that the neurotypical communication style is the only valid one, and that all autistic people should aspire to communicate as close to NTs as possible.
If someone has a communication style where that kind of super-direct communication is uncomfortable for them and they need a lot to be inferred via tone and body language, that's fine, and it doesn't make them a bad person or "less than" either. But it's not the autistic person's fault for needing or wanting a more direct communication style.
The issue is simply a matter of incompatibility. It is fine to end a relationship where the other person is incompatible with you even if neither of you did anything "wrong". Sometimes two people just have different needs in a way that makes a relationship difficult and hurtful for both of them, without either person being narcissistic or "the bad guy".
I will confess, for as much as neurotypicals talk about neurodivergent (as in ASD, BPD, ADHD, etc), having "black and white" thinking, it does feel like many NTs often NEED to make the other person bad or evil in their mind in some way in order to justify ending a relationship. Whereas I do feel like a lot of neurodivergents are more comfortable with the idea that two people can sometimes be fundamentally incompatible in a way that's impossible to make a relationship work without either of them being evil or abusive.
And you're def right about men on the spectrum. I do feel like sometimes w men on the spectrum, autism and just regular old male privilege can coincide in a way that can feel a bit like narcissism, even when the person in question doesn't have NPD. Even totally healthy neurotypical men can sometimes be guilty of expecting their female partners to put more effort into communicating than they do, after all, because of patriarchal expectations placed upon women. It's important to note that it's still not the same as NPD, because these men are not being cruel on purpose. That doesn't mean the other person has to stay in a relationship that's hurtful to them, though, even if the other person isn't doing it on purpose.
If you're not the spectrum, then it's possible that it's also due to your communication problem. Learn about the Double Empathy Problem. ASD is not the same as NPD.
@@szzzzzz3 You wrote an entire essay to justify not making it YOUR responsibility, knowing YOU have ASD, to gain enthusiastic consent. This is why I stay away from ASD people who use it as an excuse for bad behavior. The label (narcissism, ASD, etc...) is irrelevant; the behavior is all that matters.
This is dead accurate. What are the right resources for invincible children who are more in middle age and literally never, ever learned communication? Never, ever? How does an adult learn to communicate from scratch, for the first time? Please post more videos on healthy communication, it could save many relationships. Thank you for all you do-you are the heart parents were never had and you have saved many lives.
Yep. Not only I have to deal with this, I also stutter sometimes plus having an accent when speaking English since itâs not my mother tongue. What a good combo to have.
Omg. I cant believe I never pinned this part down! I felt so stupified! I figured maybe my intuition was off or struggling to adapt around all the games, or my brain was freezing up with all the stress! but hello, there is that self blame again! No wonder!!! My whole life people have told me I'm such a good communicator, such a good listener, so empathetic and understanding.. and I've felt like a train wreck and so clumsy, and definitely felt shady for no longer being so straightforward, confident and up front, when actually no wonder, and its alright to protect myself for a while. Im still the honest kind person I've always been but its yet another way I've felt so broken after these experiences and couldnt recognise myself as a communicating competent person. Im so glad its coming back, and I'm slowly adjusting to the observation that I can stay my comunicative listening caring genuine self, but now I have more scope and can adjust more quickly when Im around dodgy people.. I dont have to offer my open heartedness on a platter with a communication vulture. Its interesting how specific this is! So much of narcisstic abuse effects everything across the board, but this life skill cuts so deep when it's twisted by narcissistic abuse. Im so glad to recognise the pattern, and take my power back. â€
This is why I internalize feelings and can never seem to get my clear thoughts out to those I care about..đą. Also the over talking thing! I always wondered where that came from and this totally makes sense!! Now to try and work on new communication skills learned from years of living with a very covert narc!
Long before I ever imagined knowing about narcissistic abuse, I had been raised and then attracted to narcissists. I met an older woman back then that had this strange mannerism. She would begin to speak and then before finishing a thought, would just stop. She never finished one sentence. She seemed a sweet soul. I could only wonder what sort of control and abuse did that to her.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I love this topic. You are right. Healthy communication between two individuals has to be mutual. To be acceptable on the giving side and the receiving side. Have a Happy 4th of July.
OMG, I am exhausted just listening to this video; it is so spot on! Itâs how I lived 6 years of my life, being drained of energy each day, on a repeating loop.
Growing up with a narcissist parent...I do not have the ability to communicate well, to socialize, and now I identify as AuDHD. There's a lot of crossover with the effects of trauma, CPTSD and the like. It took a long time and deep self work to realize it was probably not ONLY the trauma of a narcissistic Mother, but that there is an underlying way that I simply do not think like non-autistic people do. Just something of interest to note.
This came out just in time. Trying to unlearn a lot of that while around healthier settings, and see when I feel safe for sure to talk more. Talked too much at first prior too.
This video is how I feel after receiving my typed out response to a question from my wife torn up along with a copy of the book âHealthy Communication With Your Partnerâ
It would be hilarious if it weren't so sad. My communication with my nEx was also restricted to writing. Short sentences, single paragraphs, few points. He always replied in mono syllables
Communicatable they are not. Very helpfull Dr Ramani you are very gifted in that field. Thank God for you đ
Thank you. This explains why Iâve become this way !
Being surrounded by those who have NPD/BPD/ASPD/Dark Tetrad's who are sadistic, antagonistic, commit crime* lie, deny, abuse, gaslight, and are total hypocrites, are not worth my energy or time, with trying to communicate, in order to have a functioning relationship with them. This can include: family members, co-workers/other, landlord/tenant scenarios, college campus students/staff/faculty, and those in positions of authority.
*most has been reported
Thank you Dr. Ramani
I love how you wrote this!đ
I feel awkward with people. I talk incessantly because any quiet moments are awkward for me. Itâs so tormenting. And then when Iâm talking to the narcissist, I have a hard time explaining myself. I freeze up. Itâs like I donât feel like what I say is smart, not articulate, itâs embarrassing. Itâs humiliating. Or I get so quiet. And thatâs tormenting too. I withdraw so bad and I just want to hide from people because itâs too hard
Hiding out has been a good strategy for me. This needs to be talked about more, in my opinion. It's a healthy option.
Jesus and God even say, "Why are you upset that you've been separated from them?" (paraphrasing, but that's the gist of it)
And Jesus says, "Dust the sand off your feet and walk away from that tent."
Itâs nearly impossible to be heard because they donât care about your wants or needs just their own
This is so true In so many ways!
I know a narc..when I confront him in the way someone else is also there. About what he does. I speak to him in words what said, I see him through, his intentions for why he talks or want something from the other person...: he seems easily not responding in words at all. Even when I say straight in his face about a lie he told me('you gave the number, last year...)I didn't gave him anything and was aware of that bcse I did not trust him. So he sais'last year'bcse he seems to believe I forget, bcse of the time. So I say to him hours later: you and I know, I did not gave you My number' he just look than forward and not responding. The quick response to not respond is for me not understandable. AT ALL!.
Stop talking to him. It's the only way.
Thank you for the validation â€ïž
Thank you so much for discussing this extremely important issue dr Ramani â€đ Real miracles can happen when we can learn to communicate openly and easily when we finally start healing from the terrible communication disconnect and disaster which narcisistic relationships forced us into. Communication does not exist with the narcissist itâs like operating on two different radio wave lengths! I am healing and learning how to communicate in a healthy manner and it feels so good đ†wish we will all get there đâ€
How are you learning to communicate better, if I may ask?