Your Guide for Communicating with Narcissists
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- čas přidán 18. 03. 2023
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Never argue with someone who believes their own lies.
Exactly. I was in a band with a highly narcissistic singer, I'd go as far as saying he was a malignant narcissist too.
Amen
Spot on!
I actually remember thinking at one point, 'this guy believes his own b.s' so true.
Then the political power will never have debate. I supposed you’re right and that ship sailed.
With a narcissist, gray rocking upsets them. Standing up for yourself, giving your opinion, being vulnerable, and expressing yourself authentically also upsets them. There’s no acceptable way to “be” with a narcissist.
Communication is never the goal with narcissistic personality. It's all about attention, conflict, and the persistent unending need to be in control . I believe this shows up because in reality , they feel out of control within themselves. It's possible that they don't even know who they are . The false self . Etc
There is "black hole" in them where supposed to be emphaty and self awareness, and self respect. Nobody can fill it for them, but themselves...
Sad, but true
Unless you exist UNDER them and the obsession and are willing to let go of everything that is You.
AMEN!
I always stood up for myself and gave my opinions and gave the hard core facts. He gets upset and says I’m crazy or that I’m telling stories again. Currently in no contact again. I can’t take it anymore. I just completely hate his guts anymore. I have nothing nice to say to him. He sucked the nice right out of me.
Being married to a narcissist is the most draining thing anyone would ever face in life. It makes you believe true love never exists!!!
Very true dear 😢
It definitely has me 2nd guessing getting into another relationship.
@@muhammadsteinberg ikr, all those thoughts keep on going through your mind. And the worst part is when they say that person isn’t bound to change,you just have to learn how to live with them🤦🏻♀️
@namubirujoan2015 I'm 26yrs into this mess I got myself into. Didn't have a name for what was taking place, I just knew I was on a hellish merry-go-round. Nonstop arguments and insane BS. Came upon these kind of post and BINGO! Did further research and realized I was slowly groomed and played to be a doormat. Done the gray rock and no contact several times to reset my sanity. Silent and gray rock now for the past 3 months. Only difference this time is I'm doing while preparing for to divorce her.
I feel energized and happy!
Exactly
You: I feel....
Narcissist: I don't care how you feel!
Yep that' truly sums it ALL up tenfold!!
"I can't be responsible for your feelings" is what I got lol. I was like okayyy this is for sure goodbye.
Also: You: I feel... Narcissist: NO! I FEEL...
@@Renee60722 haha exactly why we shouldn't bother and just ghost their asses
Read that NPD is a maladaptive protective response to Borderline Personality Disorder... 🤔
For everyone who needs to hear this...
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
YOU ARE WHOLE.
YOU DESERVE TO LOVE, AND BE LOVED!
May your heart be full, and your blessings endless 💕 xx
Thank you
❤ty
💗 Ameen ☝🏽💖🌌💫
If it feels like a dental appt don't go
Thank you, thank you, thank you! 💜🙏🏼
After going crazy trying to please my 54 year old daughter, and pulling myself back from the edge, I have gone no contact for six months. The peace I am enjoying is indescribable. I have given up family members by making this decision. I have to. I am 74 and have been a victim of abuse since I was a small child. Finally, my time has come.❤
Id gladly visit you and help or just accompany ❤
Well done you 😊
Mines 55 son boy has he uncorked hate he must have been gathering in minute detail his entire life. The misreading of simple comments and even my loving emails to his terminal mother in law are now.. I hurt her and upset the entire family bringing him shame?? That's 7 years ago. Not a word b4 now
How do they create all this alternate life
Gone no contact. Handling ignoring new attracts.
Stay safe. Be kind to yourself 💜
@@Kathy-kr1sv thank you Kathy. I’m getting to know who I am after all this time. Loving spending every moment with myself doing the things that I want to do or not doing anything at all. It’s up to me how I spend my time. When I weaken , and think there might be a chance, I go back through my journal and look at all the rotten things they have done to me. That puts my head on straight again. Thank you again for your comment.🌹
❤
I am so very happy for you! Nothing can compare to real peace 😊
The best way to communicate with a narcissist is with complete humor. Only speak in jokes. Say howdy as a greeting, speak in a southern accent randomly, ask joke questions like how’s the rain treating the rubarb? And stay quiet otherwise. Only jokes.
haha I love this. I can just imagine saying "howdy" to mine - his head would pop off.
Good idea, if you pull it off. Emotional detachment...
I joke around with a narcissist once and I got in big trouble at work. I thought she was my friend until I made the joke. What ensued was months of not knowing what I’ve done and then to be finally called into my boss’ office and being told that I have bullied her!
To this day, I beat myself up for making that joke. I also wanted to say thanks to Dr. Rama I as before this incident, I didn’t know what a narcissist was, I have learnt and watching the videos have helped me a lot.
I’m getting better and sometimes I just come here for help in my “recovery!”
Thank you Dr. And all the people who wrote about their experience as this had help during sleepless nights.
For those who cannot afford therapy, please listen to Dr Ramani’s videos. ❤
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 😊
This is incredible advice to add with Dr.Ramani’s tools and teachings!!! I love this. Thank you for this tool.
Honestly, that's how HE speaks to me or about things when he's complaining and I just ignore it and walk away. Let them stew in their selfishness, by not making it more important than your worth!!
"It's not me, it's you."
I do not want to flatter you but I have to. Wait. I want to say my hat is off to you. You brought therapy to those of us who are not able to afford it. Thank you.
Yes thank you so I much
@@elongh9358 2:55
3:09 😢
Yes! I have learned so much from these videos, which is beyond helpful since I can't afford therapy.
I totally agree! Therapy is insanely expensive. Just wanted to recommend - there’s an emotionally-intelligent AI program called “PI, your personal AI” that I’ve used for basic counselling or therapy. If you can’t afford therapy, I’d highly recommend chatting with it a bit if you need : )
The narcissist pushes all their crap onto you and then blames you because you seem stressed and tired to them. They might even call you passive aggressive when they've spent an entire day using you as a trash can.
It is true. 💯 always your fault
This!!
Amen! That's the story of my life.
This... mine dumped all his stress on me and when I would worrie will get mad and tell me I should t have told you nothing... now I completely ignore him of any negative situation and then laugh and say KARMA 😂😂
Yes they do, they make you crazy and blame you for it. Disgusting.
I was so overcome as you described my relationship. I have been married for 46 years and have been trying to figure out why I cannot please this man. I have been accused of " you should know what I like after all these years..." to rages at something totally unexpected. What caused a flip out last week gets not even a nod this week.
Eventually I have withdrawn emotionally, being very careful of what I share, as personal information I shared in the past felt used against me. I feel lonely. I feel I must remain in this marriage as I made a commitment and he turned 79 years old this year. Leaving would feel like breaking a vow and abandoning a person in his elderly years.
Thank you for the insight. I appreciate you very much.
Stick there... you have done an amazing job
My dad was a narcissist. Mom never left him. So if I wanted to see mom, I had to deal with him. When he would start verbally abusing me, I wouldn't say a word. I would just calmly pick up my purse and leave. It didn't cure everything, but he did stop calling me names. The reason I didn't say anything was just approaching it not as a punishment or fight, but as a natural consequence of his actions. And I shouldered all of the consequences without my mom paying a price.
My dad once told me that he likes to put ppl in uncomfortable situations to see how they react, and that children should compete for their parents attention. I have been gray rocking him for almost two years and there has been significant improvement in my life. I no longer care what he thinks or wants.
Wait, what? Children should compete for their parents attention?
My father did the same. He discribed us as his little toy soldiers he could make do what he wanted, when he wanted and battles against eachother and choose sides.
Yep! 😂
My daughter said this to me…about the “uncomfortable position” part. She is definitely narcissistic and it breaks my heart that I have to cut her out of my life 😢
My husband used to do the same thing to my friend's and family. He would take the opposite side of an argument just to watch their reaction. It was maddening and confusing. Our dichroic is ongoing. Ib thought it was going to be finished at the end of the month but my lawyer said that was just one hurdle and that we still have another 6 to 12 months to go!😢
I stopped caring and live my life without swearing, walking on eggshells, apologizing for no reason, and trying to please others.
Emily I'm getting way better too. I'm proud of us moving forward even in a covert narcissist relationship. Finding truth really helped me. GOD has been here thru this with me. Good job Emily👊
Proud of you. Pray for my escape from this hell.
Same, I found it liberating to stop feeling guilty and shame about another adult's lack of self-control, emotional regulation, reactionary control, and children immature tantrums - hold them accountable anyways being reasonable, fair, and occasionally bold in personal boundary respect when it's warranted.
I wouldn't apply the same framework to those severely disabled in communication and basic survival needing 24-7 assistance, not the same playing field and not helping anyone. Manipulation tactics would be expected as a compensatory form of communication. Children naturally engage emotional manipulation as a survival technique, but require mentors and rites of passage to mature into their own independent regulation of these processes and engage more effective communication instead. I believe a lack of rite of passage leads to a growth of narcissistic traits to naively compensate for this maturation but the full blown disorder is something much more advanced with more suspect genetic predisposition perhaps, so fundamental of the individual to leverage others as a means for their primary a way of life.
A 70 yr ”friendship” with a narcissist…..what a waste of time and emotion! It took me moving to the other side of the world away from her to see it clearly. My life is soooo much better without her in it. So glad I stumble onto your podcast, now I am free of the guilt too! ❤
I'm glad you made it🎉
@Gale4heath..
Exactly my thinking..'stumble.'
We should not be stumbling on this kind of information.
This is vital life skills-necessary for survival!
It should be in schools;other non-formal education settings such as faith groups.
@patb-d2264 I agree wholeheartedly. It should not have taken me 31 years to find out what kind of family members where around me.😢
@@lilc5353 Thanks for acknowledging how I feel about this.
We should try and spread the word about the need for this knowledge in 'Informal Education' settings.
70 YEARS. WOW! You deserve an award of some sort. Perhaps we can crowd fund here a nice plaque you can hang above the fire place mantel.
SURVIVOR. 70 Years!!
If you had made it to a 100 years, you'd be the goat
With a toxic person such as my ex, even the strategy of "I feel ..." produces anger. He will say..."why is it about you ? ...this I , I , I ".
Whenever we had a discussion, I was always told: "Stop arguing, why must you always argue?" I wasn't arguing, I was merely verbalising my opinion! (which I'm anyway not entitled to).
That’s exactly how I feel why does e everyone have to argue with ne
Yup and no time is every a good time to have any discussion to resolve issues big or small.
I'm very familiar with that. Appreciate this information. Disengaging is good because there is such a big difference between having a conversation with a narcissist and talking with 'normal' people.
Yes!!!!
Soooo true. The other side is when you want to have a nice conversation they turn that into a big fight and freak out. So if you want to discuss nicely or even gently call them out, it’s “fighting,” or they actually turn it into a fight 🤷🏽♀️
Growing up with narcissists, I already learned as a child that whatever I did or said was wrong. But they don't know what they want themselves! They're annoyed that you're not relaxed and fun when they're around. But how could you?
Believe me, they dont want you fun and relaxed around them. Inside they are happy that you are stressed and scared around them but pretend to be angry that you are not fun around them. Its only to make you feel even worse. If you were truly relaxed and fun around them that would mean they have no mental power over you and that would be a disaster for them so no worries everythings going just fine, according to their plan and inside they are overjoyed
@@yuu_miran they engender an atmosphere where you cannot be yourself and the blame you for being who and how you are, that's my experience with my fam. These parents 'use' their children for what they want and don't see their adult kids as separate human beings, more like cages pets at best
💗 I've lost my voice and words a long time ago. But here I am, back again. Let's go!!! Take care ☝🏽💖🌌💫
@@bereal6590 You have to be a version of yourself that they want to see. You can't be your true self around them.
@@yuu_miran It's weird with them. They want power over you and like to scare people. They also want you to be happy when they are but only about good things that happened to them. When you experience other emotions, you're just 'killing the vibe'.
I was married for 21 years to a narcissist and yes I have many many times said, “just tell me what you want”. I was so tired of the ‘circle’ conversations. We start out arguing about what I didn’t do right, then transitioned to how my ex was the reason, only to end right back at how it was all my fault and he only did what he did bc of me, and how wrong I am. And now I had been screamed at for 30 minutes on top of being belittled, berated, gaslit and disrespected.
I got to where I would wake up in the morning like a zombie, only to hear my ex start saying, “what’s wrong with you now, you can’t even get up in the morning without being in a bad mood!” Yeah!!! Because of you, you toxic horrible evil person… just leave me alone! It was a daily event near the end.
Sounds exactly like my wife, all she can do is tell me what I'm not doing, or what I should do, and then start calling me names, she is a total peace of s...
Sounds like my dad 🙄
@Shivs628 can't do anything right, it's amazing how someone can play games with someone they say they love
Interesting.. Recent I had a light 💡 on moment. Since childhood, all through adulthood, did not occur to me about family members and later spouse.
How can it be possible, they are right 99.99% of the time? And, that .001% I could possibly be right, still they cannot say yes you might be right, like other people? Right then, I realized, something was wrong with this whole thing of me being wrong!
This, ladies and gentlemen, I see now is the beginning of healing! It IS the beginning of our minds shifting from their pattern created since childhood for some of us, to break awareness going forward!
It’s extremely difficult! It feels like ripping out bandages stuck on skin and leaving raw flesh! Leading to celebrating a funeral for a family member(s) we never had, and we wished we had.
There is hope. For me, I believe in Jesus. So as I cried, I prayed. And He responded. As He only knows! With Love and a firm reminder of His promises that are not a lie. Right here on CZcams listening to #TheGuardian by #bishopjakes I celebrated a funeral for my mother, siblings, a former life of humiliation, and celebrated being discarded like a piece of trash 🚮 This time, this trash, cannot be called back again. I went to the landfill of heaven and got picked up by someone else John 14:16, that reminded me of my worth!
Remember, someone’s trash is someone else’s treasure! We are a treasure to our Father in Heaven. We are Loved, unconditionally! And this Love we pass on. Love, enjoy today. Having peace within. Blessings
Sounds like my relationship in a nutshell.
Communication Techniques Dealing With A Narcissist:
1) No Contact 2:18
2) Low Contact 5:22
3) Grey Rocking 6:10
4) Yellow Rocking 8:02
5) Fire Walling 9:13
6) Business As Usual 10:15
7) Do Not Engage 11:43
Words To Never Say To A Narcissist:
1) You make me feel …… 13:55
2) Tell Me What To Say/Do 22:49
Im stuck here. With parkinsons. No family. No much savings. Housing crisis. How do i avoid to become a narcissist? His fleas are all over me and getting me so sick...
@@SouLightness read 48 laws of power
I feel so guilty for saying both things to her that I shouldn’t be saying to a Narcissist
Move into a Car if possible
Move into a Car if possible
My main method for communicating with a Narc, one word method, "goodbye". I am an introvert to the extreme, meaning i can go without contact with humans for months on end. So realising that i am also an empath and an introvert saying goodbye makes me happy especially when i am saying it to a toxic person. I got rid of many toxic people in my life, dont need them dont need the BS. I have never experience such tranquillity at this level and i recommend to other introverts to do the same if you can.
I am teflon towards a narcissist. It doesn't stick on me. Their words don't hurt me, but i do get angry for not knowing earlier.
Do you have a lot of pets like I do to keep you company when I get home from work it works for me ❤
it's nice to hear that it works for you. I am an introvert too, but I get too bored and kind of stressed if I do not communicate with, for instance, my mother or father or someone for more than 2 days. Fortunately I am on good terms with my parents, but I've cut my 2 terribly toxic narcissist siblings out of my life. I am single and live by myself. So the trouble my mom gives me frequently is that "people grow older and older and they need someone to take care of them " she actually means me as being single, and when I grow old, I will need to depend on my siblings to take care of me or when I become sick or something and no one is around. She means well for me, but I also take it as manipulation and it bothers me and I, by, no means would want to connect with these two siblings. I have other siblings too who are wonderful, but my mom, a narcissist herself specially in her youth and who has cut her own brother out of her life, pushes all her children to stay connected to make that fake good family picture for her so that she can call it "MY children, my way".
@@kristinemajchrzak5222 i can't have pets, i am completely devastated when they die....or generally be worried of the day when they end. It freaks me out that they die so fast. I cant let my children die before me as for parents, same way I feel about my pets.
@@ferrytodd1758 i just put on my Teflon coat when i am with my mom. Plus i constantly remind myself about what this person has done. I don't take her seriously and at this point she knows it.
If you did take a narcissist seriously you are just putting yourself through a lot of pain. She is the only narc i can't get rid off.....but the rest i have cut off, lots of so called friends and even relatives.
@@thevindictive6145 When I read what you wrote I felt and sending love to you and I feel the same way exactly
I went no contact with 2 people very close to me for twenty plus years... and 4 years ago, we reunited again, only long enough for me to see that NOTHING had changed. I thought I could deal with it, but, after 4 years, I had to admit, it was pointless. You were right...a narcissist won't change. So, no contact again
Well done👏🏿👏🏿👍🏾👍🏾👍👍🌍
They usually get worse
It s so sad. I went no contact for 2 yrs and then made the mistake of reconnecting again. Thought everyone deserves another chance. I was so so wrong.
@@ruchigera2693 I totally get it. Dr Ramani has said many times that narcissists very seldom do change and sincerely want to make amend, and she is so right. It is sad....
They don’t change
It has taken me three years to learn the value of silence as the narcissist’s kryptonite. Narcissists have to have information. For them, information is power. Deny them information. It is literally like poker. Poker face. It protects you and hits them like a punch to the face.
Weird . My husband gives me the silent stonewalling…
@@thomasncheryllynn it's cause you injured him! You didn't give him no supply or reaction so he's punishing you.
I find this more true for some BPD people than NPD.
BPD is similar almost a type of narcissism. Maybe check that out, you might find it more helpful.
Just in my experience
@@loismendelsohn3210 thank you.
I co-parented with a narcissist. The best thing I ever did was only communicate with him in writing - both ways. Refused to talk and we passed notes when we dropped off our children. It’s great because you don’t have to hear them speak and if they get abusive, you have it in writing for the judge. The kids are all grown up now. He still barely talks to me when I see him - just says hi. I like it.
I tried doing the same and he accused me of not wanting to cooperate with him and bad coparenting in court
@@user-ir2hx9ye4x This is so hard. I am in this situation now. At least we have been told to see a parenting therapist so I can get an outside opinion. But this is hard, it seems like this is an impossible balancing act.
@@user-ir2hx9ye4xit sux for both of you. That you grew up to get baby trapped and never ended up with romantic love every young girl yearns for. You grow up to hate how your life has ended up !
ANY contact with a narcissist makes me want to shower - physically, psychically, emotionally, and intellectually!
This is funny, “nice” way to put it.
...including shunning ANY contact with a narcissist who: is a slob; is too lazy & arrogant to clean up after themselves; sleeps around; can't respect the sanctity of people's homes as a safehaven; feels entitled to hijack, bogart & take financial advantage (financial abuse) of others' resources & livelihood...
yep,cleaning up the dirt for our peace of mind is important
...& in extreme cases: f*nancially (if they've subtly become a mooching entitled parasite; can't seem to keep a job; artfully introduce evolving plausible deniable excuses & urgent emergencies to manipulably tug at your conscience & heart strings; blame others for their misfortunes & sob stories; trade favors for: fun, on your hard-earned time on your dime; continually play traumatizing mind-chess-games hovering & hoovering rent-free in your head space...
"I've Gotta Wash That Man/(Gal/Cad) Right Outta My Hair!"
Best tip to communicate with a narcissist, Don't !!.. they are not in it for communication, they just want to see you dance.
So true!
So true😂
i agree....i found out that in time it made me feel better about myself when i manage to stop myself from taking the bait and engage in "communication"...it's not fair that i have to make myself endure the abuse and it makes me angry and frustrated, but at least this way i don't feel as a victim...it even started to boost my self-confidence, since i know the abuser is suffering 'cause she didn't succeed to "make me dance"
If you don't need a career, house, university degrees or economic success it's probably easy to avoid narcissists.
Avoid avoid avoid. I'm 36 my mom and Grandma r narcs, I don't even know if I'm really even bipolar. I'm finally working on independence. I never had a life. I changed my mindset. I live w Grandma but I avoid. She's a 90 year old bully. She'll never stop. I get it. I'm also healing very quick considering it's been going on my whole life
Once you see it things can get better ❤
Once you let go of seeking their approval and acceptance, once you realize there's simply no pleasing them so you don't have to care about pleasing them.
P.s. Proud of you!!! 🙌
Happy for you!!! 🎉
This is such helpful content. Sadly I feel like there are more narcissists in the world than 20 years ago! Everyone needs these skills! Thanks so much for all this excellent teaching.❤
So true . I am observing that a lot . Being a empath I really struggle with ppl these days . Ppl are also loosing basic etiquette.
Agreed, 60 years ago I don’t remember having contact with such toxic personalities.
Look who was our president awhile back ...
I'm sorry. Not 'everyone.' I've found there are still so many HEALTHY* people around us. We gravitate towards the FAMILIAR. So it is on the ones infected by the 'epidemic.'
(*CAPS for emphasizing not yelling)
@rosemarieramsingh8749
I couldn't agree more with you!
We all need these vital skills to deal with these kind of personalities we come across-some close family members;at work;socially.
These should be made available in Formal and Informal Education settings.
I want to say thank you from the bottom of my soul!❤I am economically impoverished due to the 25 years of narcissistic abuse. I was predisposed for this by a narcissistic upbringing. You have been a godsend, a voice in the darkness, that has kept me alive, gave me the strength to go no contact and begin my journey to healing. Also to stand and fight legally, becoming victorious in a no fault state, winning 💯of all assets and putting the narcissist in jail for 2 years for violating boundaries. Thank you!
I’m 🙏🏼for your recovery. Be strong, you will prevail!🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼
@@Rtumpsucks thank you 🎈
AMAZING AWSOME THANK YOU FOR YOUR STRENGH
@ Kim Arcut
Congratulations you awesome warrior
Delighted for you!
So very well articulated
"When the pupil is ready, the teacher appears "
She is on you tube & we are all so blessed to have got so much support from DrRamini's daily videos
I owe her so much gratitude 🎉
Well done!!!
Warning: it's also possible for the _narcissist_ (often covert) to be the one to say "just tell me what to say!" when you call them out on their bad behavior or manipulative words. It can be used as a refusal to take responsibility for understanding or changing their behavior, and denying you the satisfaction of authentic change, pulling you into the trap of micromanaging performative "change" that cannot last.
Yes, exactly. I experienced that with the covert ex
Very well described
Never call them out. Never call them out on their bad behaviour. Never call them out on their manipulative words. Simply never call them out on anything.
I always say, 'pray to Christ and ask Him what you should say and keep praying till you have an answer'.
My narc’s fav one is “I just said the wrong words.” Or “I formulated that wrong.”
I have been using firewall and yellow rock. It is working out. I leave as soon as the behaviors rise. Once away I take deep breaths, feel the emotions and let them go. This is allowing me to leave with a smile and keep myself out of the stress levels
THANK YOU! “Stop giving away your power” The old (when you…..I feel….) nonsense never worked. Anytime there's a toxic relationship, the motive is to have power over you and to HURT YOU. Thank you for validating this!
The point about them looking for a fight is spot on. I know when a fight is coming, because I can see them probing for an incorrect response, asking questions about things that have led to fights in the past, or just the general passive aggressiveness. Like a big storm, you can feel it coming.
The last time my sister blamed my weight for my health problems, I just replied: I guess, you are right. No answer from her. I'm sure she hoped I was offended or me to defend myself. No. I even smiled while answering, because I knew she was disappointed behind her mobile phone.
Yup I have to meet my BF's ex Sun + she's very narcissistic. I'm terrified BC I have had so much bad exp w ppl like that. I'm so nervous I can't eat or sleep.
Appeasing them was the only thing keeping the relationship looking like a relationship.
That only works for a very short period. They will yell at you and call you pathetic for always agreeing with them or not wanting to fully engage in conversations with your thoughts or opinions. I think you breathing becomes a problem to them. No contact is the healthiest unless you have children together.
The last time I was railed at I finally reached my 77x7th time to forgive. Tired of being "the reason" his life has been such a struggle. Some people think life is what is portrayed in magazines and on the hallmark channel. The rest of us try to do the best we can. Forgiving no longer means I have to accept the accusations.
@@treid1369 They manage. I was discarded many times before I knew what it was. I came back for more abuse. They were entertained, I was confused, overworked, and frustrated. These tactics work for them. They always get their way, though they are not happy people.
I needed this today. Narcissists thinking you should read their mind is💯. Oh and you used the word unhinged, that’s what this guy was today!
My narcissistic partner says he doesn’t feel loved in the relationship. I asked what he wants me to do to make him feel loved. He says if I don’t know how to love a man, then I dont deserve to be married. I’ve gotten to a fire walling stage and even that is mentally exasperating.
How can anyone love such a useless crybaby? What is there to love? He is the one who doesn't deserve you and he knows it. His strategy is to weaken you and make you crazy with despare so that you will never have enough energy to leave. Next time he starts with the same nonsense just tell him that he is right and that the door is that way.
I feel so blessed that I married my best friend. Even though he died tragically before our 10 yr anniversary, I feel so incredibly lucky, because I know there are so many people here that are trying to make it through the day with their narcissistic spouse. I’m so sorry for you. 😢😢😢 I just have narcissistic family members. Thank God I have a farm where I can recoup my peace and quiet. Stay strong everyone. ❤❤❤
Enjoy!
😢
I'm sorry for your loss. Yes you were blessed to have been truly loved & bet can still feel that love. I once had someone who loved me too, but I was young & dumb & threw it away, sadly he is now dead too. But I clung to the knowledge that someone really great loved me & that has gotten me through a lot.
I'm s Catholic and believe in the Golden rule
. this Behavior is intotsble😢 I have no patience for the fool
S
You can divorce your spouse, but you can't divorce your family. In some cases I would say narcissist family is harder to deal with. I'm sorry for your loss, but I am happy that you found such a wonderful person inspite of narcissist family members (they do like to sabotage things).
Expecting another human being to read your mind is the most disrespectful thing we can do to someone else, because we basically say to them that they are not allowed to be their own person, but to become a mini-me and be stuck inside my head, to be my slave and serve me whenever I am around. That basically takes the whole existence of another human being to a zero.
Wow that’s profound. I’m going to save that to write it out sometime if I need it. To ask for what you want but don’t get upset as I won’t be responding to what I think you want but don’t clearly communicate it to me
Well said
That's also how they confuse you! Don't fall for none of their lies, manipulation, or gaslight. They'll say or do anything to get their supply from you.
I wanted to ❤️ your comment but it only has a 👍 button in youtube
This video is an eye opening. Yes we never win with them & it’s very exhausting mentally.
the thing is: I was a narcissist at 19, 3 years of extreme hard work, 1000 of books on self-help and psychology, I was able to turn it around and for the first time in life, I felt so at peace and just pure joy of actually having to deal with the frustrations of my life, without blaming or getting bitter about it. Now, I have become a completely different person, still working on myself. I met this guy 2 months ago. And, I was instantly able to recognize a few things in him, that I had in myself. Within 2 months, we had an argument, and he wanted me to say exactly what he had in mind, I said it to appease him, knowingly, giving myself one more month to make sure Im not making the wrong diagnosis. There were so many other things, hot and cold, never apologizing, validation, but at the same time, because I believe I was like that, Im so damn alert that Im not projecting or becoming a narcissist again. But dont worry, m taking Dr. Ramanis lectures daily, so that I dont fall into any trap of my own past or of the guy, if he is indeed toxic.
Good for you. This gives me hope for others I love. Keep trying. Good luck.
I was wondering if narcissists can change since there’s no self awareness or responsibility. Ty for changing and breaking the cycle!
I had an extremely toxic co-worker who I was forced to interact with for fifteen years and I subconsciously engaged firewalling when dealing with her. After I realized what kind of person she was I shared nothing personal, would not offer opinions on any subject she brought up and would exit any conversation with her as rapidly as possible all while being civil. When she finally retired it was like a miasma was lifted from the workplace. Not surprisingly I, and everyone else who had the "pleasure" of working with her, immediately went no contact. She would reach out through text messages (which were ignored) and occasional visits (which were turned away) and two years later she still tries to lure us back in to her web to no avail. This would not have worked while she was still actively working with me/us so there is a definite evolution to how we are able to engage with narcissists and the methods we use.
Just observe them BC they are dangerous and not too much detail.
You’re lucky that you’re narcissistic person wasn’t a family member. It does suck having to work with one though
I feel like they are everywhere and after the pandemic it’s become an epidemic of narcissism in family systems and on dating apps!
@@SEVENTHREEANDNINE That's exactly what i have been seeing too. It blows my mind.
I wish there more videos on how to deal with narcissistic coworkers and bosses. Im going thru this now and the only advice I get is "find another job" It took me forever to find this position, trust me it aint that easy in this current market to just get another job.
I went no contact with my mother 4 years after my Dad passed away. I became her primary source of supply and I tried going DEEP and grey rocking. She became enraged and her paranoia ramped up and the blame and projections became too much. Her last words to me were “ You would be nothing if not for me. You owe me and I own you!” WOW. When I ran into her in town one day, I said hello and she turned her back, grunted and walked away. At 84 she’s still using the cold shoulder technique. Some family members were uncomfortable and described the situation as “ two people being too stubborn to get over it.” That was the toughest part and eventually she looked to them as new supply. If I decide to describe it to anyone, I describe it as “ We want different things. I expect to be treated with respect and she refuses .”
I have a similar mother. I now just stay away and make excuses to not see or be in touch with her. She’s old now but I do feel for her but I have to look after myself and my family. I have low contact. I stress though if I have to go anywhere near her. She will try to enmesh and get me back into her power web where she controls everything by putting me down. She expects me to fawn like I did when I was a child. I don’t any more. Fighting with these types of people just empowers them and wears me out. Grey rock. It’s not easy - especially if the narcissist is histrionic. It’s difficult not to react to the hysteria but I just try to see her as a child having a tantrum.
You did the right thing I’m glad you’re OK the fact that she rejected you she actually blessed you never mind what other people think that’s their opinion they may not ever get it and that’s OK as long as you get it continue to stay on your healing path and do what’s right for you
My mother and father are the same, and they were severely physically abusive to me during childhood. I’m finally going no contact after 40 years of living. I don’t want them to abuse my children.
How do you all handle the anxiety, doubt or stress in your daily life?
@@mrs.salazar5219 I make sure that I have time for me. Quiet reflective time and when I began No Contact, I found meditation helped. I spend time with caring friends. It was tough at first because of the trauma bond but I rarely feel that pull any more. I had to break no contact a month ago because she had a health crisis and was in the hospital. I have power of attorney so I had to be there. I was anxious about seeing her again. Because of all the work I had done and because I had been no contact for 4 years, I was relieved to find that I wasn’t triggered. In fact I was very attuned to all of her games and manipulative tricks and lies. She needed some ongoing assistance and support for 3 weeks, so I went home and developed a plan to provide assistance on my terms. ( what do I really need to be involved with and what can she do on her own with her gaggle of senior friends?) She tried to draw me in to be a full time servant but I refused. I drew boundaries. I think because of the 4 years of no contact, she knew I meant business! So far so good and I rarely hear from her. One of the first therapists I ever spoke to said, “ your mother will always find a way to get her needs met.” Truer words were never spoken!
@@pwhite5411 than you ❤️
About 1 year ago I stared reading you about narcissism never thinking this applied to me. At 72 I think I may be a magnet for these people. It really explains a lot. I'm still absorbing this and trying to understand but I it's hard to realize and all the holy shit memories this brings up. I can't thank you enough for what you do. With tears in my eyes I say thank you.
Once I got it that two my siblings were dangerous, i went no contact to REMAIN ALIVE. I started learnIng how much people will think you’re the cruel & intransigent one!
It won’t change. People don’t understand. I’m more than content with my decision, but people won’t believe anyone but the narcissist. Get used to being a person without a family.
I am right there with you. Disassociated from my sister and brother almost 2 decades ago after my father passed on. I am the oldest of 4 and have to say it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. My life is absolutely wonderful, quiet, peaceful, serene…. Congratulations. I wish you joy and happiness. Live your best life. ❤️😀👍
For years I tried communicating with words Nothing ever helped. Now I communicate by: not responding, minimal response, or leaving the room. Leaving really got his attention and he was nicer, for awhile. Once I was so angry I got in the car and drove off without saying a word. I went and got lunch for myself and hung out at the waterfront for a few hours. Once I calmed down I returned.
In a self care choice, I went on a personal spiritual retreat alone for 2 days. I announced my intention, made the reservation said when I was leaving and when I planned to return. During my retreat my only contact was to text to say I had arrived safely. Nothing else. No phone calls. And I learned that I’m okay on my own. I highly recommend this.
"was nicer, for awhile." That cycle used to drive me mad. I finally learned to just enjoy the 'good times' when they came. These radical behavioral changes had me thinking dementia, or multiple personality. After seeing Dr. R's videos now I understand.
My narcissistic daughter always wants to have heart to heart conversations. I’m done talking. Words words words mean nothing. Doing the right thing is what matters.
For those that might be struggling with or grieving the loss of having no contact with a family member…remember..love is thicker than blood!
💯 % TRUTH❣️
No blood is not thicker than water. This is a false.
Thank you. 🙏🌹❤️
Thank you ❤❤
Thank you
Dealt with my narcissistic father by not responding. Learnt over the years that he insults me more when I respond than not responding. Believe me, not responding also do not work but saves your energy at least. Heard enough abuse that I can’t even express😂 I got out of “home” and he cut me off. No contact for more than a year and life has never been this peaceful. So grateful he made the decision to cut me off. Still doing therapy and it’s so difficult to digest that none of it is my fault.
I even asked him if he wanted to drink my blood 😢
I was completely exhausted from his narcissistic abuse back then.
For several years I know how to carefully watch my words when in contact with him. Thankfully there’s hardly any contact. I feel almost healed of the trauma. I stayed alone with my daughter for 23 years. I was too scared to run into such a monster again.
Thank you dr. Ramani for pointing out who these “ people “ are ❤
The same sister I told him that ot feels like he is drinking my blood😅
YES! They really are vampires!!!!
23 years of experience with this type of relationship. You’ve got to stay conscious of your level of engagement. The more you are aware of your own actions, the better off you are.
You are right
Yes I agree
You have to keep aware or else beware! High alert but calm & collected. Its exhausting. How do keep from feeling exhausting? Any tips?
@@6reynoldsgajsjk I don't know if this is even possible tbh...
@@6reynoldsgajsjk do things that you enjoy doing. If you don’t know what you enjoy, try painting! You can totally eff up, and paint right over and start again.
I've instituted many of your suggestions and I'm in a much better place for it. I've shifted from victim mode to being the one in control of my own life. Thanks for helping me gain the understanding and strength to make the change. ❤
Congrats! Once u dive in it starts to feel like there are clinical narcissists everywhere! 🥂Cheers & happy healing. 😺
@@jillianmaloney3798 You are right. I figured out that 3 of the closest people to me all have N traits. At least I know how to deal with them now.
@@robinboccia7622 I know how u feel. It’s very difficult when they’re in home or work. But that makes sense there is always more than one bc they seem to stick together. I’ve recently come to understand the term “fleas.” It’s contagious 😹Look out 😹
Jj. NM jjjjjjn
Wonderful to read this. I feel the same and I am just so grateful.
Dr. Ramani, Thank you so much for this video. I think you're the only psychologist, etc., on CZcams that doesn't judge or blame victims who may have to stay in the relationship.
I once told my mother "that won't work today" when she was about to embark on a rage session. It totally caught her off guard and she "behaved" for the rest of the time we were together. Call them out!
I’m gonna use that, thanks! My mother raged at me yesterday, because she was late. I simply did not respond, and she love bombed me the rest of the day. I like your response. I’m going to use either no response or your reply from now on. Although, I can see myself going no contact with my mother.
I was lucky enough to be able to go no contact! I still remember my lowest point.. I said to him: "do whatever you want with me but please don't leave me". I am amazed I even said something like that.. Thank God it is all in the past! Thank you Dr Ramani for all the help you provide to all of us! God bless you!
Amen!🙏
That was rock bottom or hitting a wall. The only way after this is UP. Stay blessed
Well done. You don't recognize yourself because this damaged individual essentially made you lose yourself. So glad you are ok and away from this turmoil.
@@kathleendubois7128 Thank you so much!! We are all extremely powerful people! 🙂
@@13Hangfire 🙌
No contact was very successful to end a 12 year relationship with a nasty malignant narc. It took a couple of tries as he was a master hoovered. I deleted him from everything. I deleted anyone connected to him. Trauma bonds hurt like crazy at first but stopped over time. I’m now free, happy, peaceful and quietly enjoying my life. ❤
I was in therapy for many years, but no one ever addressed the narcissist situation. I learned about it watching Dr.Ramani’s videos . Radical acceptance was really hard. But once I found out what was going on with narcissistic people, it made so much of my life finally makes sense. I wish you had the magic words to tell her to take care of herself first, but everyone has to come to that on their own. When I first stepped away from my daughter, I did it one day at a time, which I had learned from my codependents anonymous teachings. That gave me the space to get strong enough to make the break permanent, at least for today. 😊If she only knew how peaceful it is without someone like that in your head all the time I’ll bet she would do this in a heartbeat. Good luck to you and your family.❤
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. You don't realise the service you are doing. I hope to meet you sometime if I can.
Thank you again from the bottom of my heart ❤️
There were many arguments when my narcisist was mad and told me i was giving him attitude when i looked at him wide-eyed. I absolutely agree, it seemed like every argument was orchastrated by them and their rage built up when i was unable to satisfy their need. Now i undersatnd whatever response i gave was going to continue the argument 🎉
Truth! My narcissistic husband picks a fight. Then after being verbally and emotionally abusive tells me I treat him like shit! He projects his behavior on to me! When he is building tension he needs to pick a fight to off load his tension to me.
@@danakelly2948 going through the same thing. It's so frustrating and difficult. What do you do when he does that?
I’ve had the same experience. While the narc in my life is raging often around others, I would look at him trying to get him to tone it down and get a furious “what are you looking at me like that for”. And off he’d go again now raging at me for looking at him in a way he didn’t like. You can’t win.
I have spent my whole life walking on eggshells and mind reading both of my narcisistic parents, then partners and other family members and friends. I remember feeling so lost and helpless because nothing I did was enough and I now I have realised that they did now know what they wanted so it was a perfect catch 22 situations I have found myself in my entire life. It was a terrible uphillu struggle, but it has changes also thanks to your videos dr Ramani and I am ver grateful for that.❤
I feel similarly. I now have names for what is going on in my interactions with people. I love being able to speak, if only to myself, about these situations. No one, before Dr R helped with the language and understanding before. And I have worked in healthcare all my life.
I as well can relate, unfortunately life just won't turn around for me yet. I have lost my children myself and anything anyone can take from you. I have unknowingly offered my energy which is filled with love and empathy to anyone that wanted it. I am more than at rock bottom. Know I a facing jail time. I can't wait until some kind of sunshine breaks through. I DONT KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN TAKE!!!! ❤❤❤❤ TO the ones that have made it out!!! 😢❤ to the ones working on it. Be prepared there hovering methods are one of the super powers and if u combine that with love bombing you have yo stand your gard. To the ones that are just learning. I owe my life to Dr. R 100% was going to end it for good and her knowledge and reasonable empathy was my ticket to stay. LEARN LEARN LEARN WRITE IT DOWN PRACTICE GETTING IT DOWN TO THE SOUNDS AND EMOTIONS AND REACTIONS BEING PREPARED. I am trying to start a woman's project to help with what Dr. R HAS GIVEN ME! AND HELP OTHERS SPREAD THE TRURH AND EDUCATION.AND PLEASE. REMEMBER NOT EVERYONE IS THE SAME. WE ALL ARE STILL HUMAN BEINGS IN THE END. LOVE EMPATHY 😢😢😢😢❤❤❤❤
@@cindynimmo These videos helped me in one critical way--they showed me that I was not crazy.
Totally agree with that, it's terrible to live this way
@@mervyngreene6687 absolutely, but boy do they after they've destroyed you mentally... call you crazy! Make your crazy call you crazy when all along the crazy came from them. Pretty sickening when it's our parents
One thing that always helps me and put things into perspective is... when I'm dealing with this type of person I literally say in my head "this person had the worst type of life growing up, they are sad and pitiful" it sounds terrible but it gives me an air of superiority because that isn't my life, I can feel true happiness and love. I'm not bound by the laws of chaos where betrayal is my love language. It doesn't work when I'm caught off guard by the person. I've gotten better. And remember you will always be better than good enough
I know a Narcissistic person who admitted, " It is not easy to handle me". The narcissistic person also told me "I am not trying to manipulate you"
I went no contact with my parents and other narcissist many years ago. I've healed so much it's amazing. I've had physical diseases get a lot better and I feel more confident when speaking around other people. I used to get nervous saying anything to strangers because I would feel afraid of getting attacked because of the way I was trained by the narcissist.
Yeah I have this issue aswell not being able to talk to strangers or trusting ppl easily I wish I could cut them off
We can do it 💪🏾💪🏾💪🏾
Staying away from parents who changed your diaper and did everything when you were sick when you were small is a real tragedy. Go back to them before they die.
@@mirrorreflection3479.... mirrors....not true. It depends. If a person is abusive or mentally ill it may not be safe. 😢
@@mirrorreflection3479wtf?
Their whole existence is inauthentic. They will dance with words, change with the breeze, explain nothing, bring no constancy to the next conversation. It is all improvised on the fly. Don't try to fly or dance or talk with them.
Thank you. I appreciate your teaching us how to handle things. I was at a point where I just wanted to check out. Now I know how to cope. Thank you.
Before I realised my manager is a narcissist, there were a couple of instances where I said "I don't know what more I can say". As soon as I realised she's a narcissist, I've been applying for jobs like crazy. I'm great at putting up a wall with people but walking on eggshells all day is draining. I'm removing myself from this toxic situation.
Good for you! Once you get to the other side, the peace you will find is indescribable.
Good for you. Honestly you would be better of shucking oysters in peace than that. Enjoy your freedom.
Congratulations
I left my narcissist husband of 20 years and moved away with my 14 year old, half way across the country. What a relief for both my child and me. That was 24 years ago. I have been listening to your videos for a couple of years. I went full no contact - I THOUGHT - but then realized that there were in-laws who were finding out what I was doing and where I was moving (recently moved). So I asked my daughter to let anyone and everyone who asked about me - on the in-laws side of the family, and just to say "she's fine" and if they wanted more information to say, "She's a private person and I don't want to say anymore." But now I am in a living situation where I am dealing with a group of neighbors in a housing complex and I am having to have conversations with a couple of narcissistic people on a political level about accomplishing things in our association. I never knew I had a narcissistic father, enabler mother and three equally traumatized siblings! We now talk each week - we're all in our 70's - and it is fascinating! Wish I had become a psychologist!
❤❤❤❤
I find it safer to make boundaries around religion, politics and maybe other topics but definitely no -go on these if the dynamic
Needs to stay smooth and operational - think of it as a busy airport, so many people of all backgrounds pass through, but one person gets edgy and possibly frazzled, we need to out to possibly shut down the entire operation out of security- if your neighborhood associate calls for many different backgrounds ( it does) to come together to focus on one goal ( it does) put all the focus on the mission, take out any potential pitfalls !
Wow NPD are soul crushers if I had a wish wish they all left to a 🏝️🏜️ island an the rest of us could be on the other side of the universe . So much of society are cluster B . I wish those who will never be A victim we are strong .
The middle of the video -- so important. I think taking away the "made me feel" concept takes away the sadistic glee narcissists get in torturing people
What’s really empowering is the fact that I’ve been unknowingly using all of these tactics without even realizing. I’m married with school aged children and I can’t get out. After my last rage against his baiting and gaslighting I was completely burnt. The grey and yellow rock just came naturally. The firewall just came naturally. When I tell yall every-single-day he tries me throughout the day. The small victories for me are so fucken motivating!!! The reality that I know he has no intention of helping me or supporting me is no longer hurtful but it has now become my biggest driver. I am tired yall!!! But guess what now my self care is priority number one. After my refueling I get back to it. I’m no longer guilty because I can’t do everything I’m not disappointed in myself or depressed because I don’t have help. I started giving myself grace knowing that it’s ok that I’m tired and I need to rest. When I say I’m tired it’s not the give up tired. I refuse to be guilty for pouring into myself when nobody else is or will. I love it here. Here inside my little bubble of self love.
The way to win is not to play the game.
My Narcissistic family records all calls. I don’t call them. They call me, they initiate the conversation with a million questions. One call my mother did not record , mom was screaming at me , saying horrible things and calling me names. I told her that I am not 15 , nor do I have to listen to her ranting and raving. Then I hung up the phone. The next call she recorded me a she was sweet tone her voice , I almost threw up. It’s been over a year. She is the sickest narcissistic person on the earth. She hides behind a veil of Christianity. Right? She’s a total hypocrite . No contact save my sanity - I love me ❤❤❤ Please keep the videos coming. Can you create a video on how to deal with people who love to Smear Campaign and spread lies to family, friends and church community? Thank you so much ❤🌹💗
The breakdown of the "you make me feel" vs "I feel" was eye-opening
It took me 15 years to figure it all out and I think I also figured out the source of her narcissism…Thank you Dr Ramani.
This breakdown of what goes on inside the mind of a narcissist is the most spot-on I've come across. That others should be able to read their mind to anticipate their needs.
Yes, I begging my mom to tell me what I did wrong. Tell me how I hurt her so I could fix it and all she could say was I changed. I started to use boundaries with my older sister. That is how I changed.
Mom and sis narcs? me too! I geel ya!🙄
My mother is also.a narcissist. They rather not tell u your fault so they can continue to abuse u. They want u confused.
Interesting my dh is like that
This is exactly what I experienced with my sister and my mother. I'm so sorry. It sucks so hard. ❤
I’ve tried saying to a narc friend how I felt. When she was sending me crazy ranting criticizing blaming messages at midnight on Christmas Eve, I asked her to stop and explained that I felt it was stressful for me. Her response was ‘how is it stressful for you??’ . She could never ever see how her actions negatively affected me. Everything was always my fault. I’m so done with her putting her toxicity on me. I’ve tried very hard with the tumultuous friendship for 20+ years and I just can’t take it anymore. It always felt like she was picking a fight, and I could never do or say anything right. It feels awful. It broke my heart because there was good there and I know she cared, so I do feel bad in ways, I know she has her issues and I wish her well, but I need to protect my mental health. ❤
Similar to "how is it stressful for you?" what I was told: "I can't believe that I could have said something that would upset you so that you asked for time to think things over". You aren't alone. What has helped me is accepting the situation and going Yellow Rock, because the person is a family member.
If you are empathic person my more empathic the harder it is to walk away. We want to help the hurt evil person. But I find Journaling the events you can learn when it about time for there behaviors and it's easier to handle your emotions. And when they start hovering or love bombing you look at your Narc. Calander. And remind yourself of the horrible events so instead of giving in you are staying prepared and strong. It is very very hard. I lost EVERYTHING EVEN MY CHILDREN. Good luck from my soul and heart.
This resonated with me on so many levels!
Had almost exact situation with a "friend", and I just completely ghosted her in the end (which I feel terrible about, but I am not good with confrontation, and last time I tried, it ended in us having an enormous falling out, and going no contact for 2-3 years).
I love her ...but I have started loving me, a little bit more, and can't handle the covert toxicity.
My narc sister used to revel in tearing me down, diminishing me, belittling me, HURTING ME, even sometimes blatantly in front of family and friends for no reason, other then she's a mean, gigantic, sadistic asshole. In front of family and friends, some of who could see her bullshit and her abusive and toxic behavior toward me. But this bitch; CLUELESS. One day I tried to tell that ignorant skank how she makes me feel and to see if she can manage to muster up some kind of empathy. LOL, I know!
Anyhow, I said to the dumb POS that I don't like it when she does that and how'd she like it if someone hurts her and made her feel small for shits and giggles? "Huh?!" "What are you talking about?" " (You have feelings?! But, you're not even a full human being! What? Oh, look! SQUIRREL!)
Well, needless to say, she's dead to me. So, so, soooo fucking dead.
Best wishes. You got this!
Friends are supposed to be your happy place this person was never a friend she was a bloodsucker she drained the life out of you good riddance you are free and you are allowed to Let Her Go you are allowed to find friends that make you happy and do feel joyful and accept it around they inspire you they make you laugh they enjoy your company and you enjoy theirs
My mom was a class A narcissist. She is not dead when I said was. She just got dementia. And now she is a whole different person.
She sometimes has some fading narcissistic moments, but in overall she is not that way anymore.
She just can’t retain any information. But we talk almost every day not about much. Just lite talk.
Before dementia? I would call her once every two weeks or so. She was unbearable.
Funny thing is that we get alone better now than we ever had. It’s kinda a blessing in disguise.
Radical acceptance of not being human. Maddening is putting it mildly. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
When my mom lost her memory she became a narcissist but as a child i had no idea. i just dealt with it naturally by “yellow rocking” her outburst but eventually in highschool i realized i shut down all of my emotions. i’ve worked really hard to feel comfortable being vulnerable again but ever since i’ve accepted my emotions again i feel everything ten times as much. Now that im an adult, videos like these help protect me from people like her. Thank you
That's se situation for me. As she is forgetting plus my own struggles it became obvious, the entitlement the vulnerable martyr victim stance the criticism and manipulation. All the horrible things. Then all the past became clear the contempt disdain silent treatments etc... my mom was always that way but I didn't see it until I got sick and she started being forgetful. All the toxic before that was so confusing became clear like a light bulb going on? The grief and pain hurt and anger overwhelmed me at the worst possible time. Dr ramani and dr. Carter have been a god send. It's very difficult when it's your mom ✌
I get this!! I was dead inside and would flat out ignore other's really bad behavior. Now I feel too much. or maybe I'm normal? My emotional regulation was definitely damaged by my mom.
@@sarag1158 i learned i have “quiet” bpd and autism so its easier now to understanding my sensitivities and reactions to certain things. opening that door helped me a lot
Growing up with a narcissistic parent I shut down my emotions, safer to do this than to get into trouble. Of course this was damaging to my development and made adult life more difficult.
I don't understand . Your mother lost her memory and become a narcissist?????. That doesn't make sense.
I have been using the " I hear you, I don't see it that way, I'm ok with my beliefs, I'm unwilling to do that. " I like the idea of adding" I feel".
😊My tip for dealing with a narcissist is don't. Run like crazy. You don't know if or when that narcissist will seriously injure or finish you off. Remember always sociopaths and psychopaths look like a narcissist ay first. Don't take a chance
I am so glad I have found your videos. My fifteen year old fits all the classic signs of narcissism. Communication with him and trying to parent him is an overwhelming challenge. He is the third child of six and we have to daily communicate. Your insights have been encouraging and instructive. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
"If you can't authentically be yourself in a relationship, then really what is it?" I Really like that statement Dr. Ramani mentioned (at around the 12:50 mark)! and "I get to be the steward of my feelings" (at 20:43). Thank you Dr. Ramani!
Yes!!!
Same! I felt the same and have actually said this to my ND.
Exactly what I needed. I’m tired of the foolishness. Thank you!!!❤
I remember saying over and over again through my whole life just tell me the rules! Dr. Ramani, these videos are insightful, validating, and hands on instructive. Thank you for all of your work.❤
I've found that the only way to deal with a Narc in a relationship is to be selfish yourself. Which can be difficult for unselfish people. You have to prioritize yourself over the relationship. Sometimes, you have to be "paranoid" and remember that the person is a narc, that this is a game to them, etc. Ultimately, it's a lose-lose situation, as a relationship shouldn't have these dynamics of distrust. Vulnerability is a part of a relationship and you have to be vulnerable to love. But at the same time, you have to not lose yourself in their web of bs. So in a relationship perspective, it's a loss or "less than". Maybe the only hope for narcs is therapy and some type of management of this disease or whatever the f it is. Or just the realization - if you're married to one of these - that the relationship will never be anything more than a lose-lose dynamic. I used to prioritize my relationship over myself. Not no mo! I may not have the perfect healthy functional relationship that it should be capable of, but at least I have myself as an individual and am fighting for myself.
Dr Ramani has helped me throughout this thing . I love self too thanks 👍...
Dad strategy...Two hours, once a week.
Don't get excited, he'll discredit my reason for being excited. Don't feel empathy for someone else. He'll supercede the empathy with moralistic judgements.
Be cool, be polite, be gone soon for another week. Remember too, Roger, he won't like it! It's ok. Nothing you do will receive his approval, either way you go.
I do believe mydaughter is one.
I can't please her enough
I walk on egg shells when we communicate.
I make it short and sweet. I m sick of being blasted with verbal hate. I am trying so hard to take your advice in these videos. Thank you!!
Pray 🙏 for her
Your not alone. My daughter does the same to me 😭
Same for me. What a terrible feeling to see that my own daughter (for whose wellbeing I am responsible) is a monster. My daughter is a master in raising hope in me that she might change, and I believed her over and over again. I am just unable to give up, and it pulls me back to the relationship over and over again.
I have a question, how can a child end up growing up without empathy when one raised them? Perhaps, was the other parent narcisist? I understand empathy is taught / learnt, and normally narcisism is a result of neglect or over indulgence in childhood, at least that's what professionals say.
I know my question might seem accusative, but I am more curious as... what should be prevented in the upbringing of a child that cause them to develop those traits in the first place? I understand raising a kid with a narcissistic partner is counter productive and the odds aren't good, but if that's not the case then what could have been?
Resentment is big one. Have to stay on it and have hard conversation with children about where they took offence and hardened their heart into defensiveness. Connect with child in heart centred way discuss their needs and and validate their feelings so they feel heard and validated and not defensive. Talk about forgiveness and encourage them. Pray for them.
Thank you for your words. Feeling validated when I didn't know I needed validation is truly eye opening.
Yes! My mother! She said my siblings and I should know what she wanted or needed. If we didn’t, she’d tell other family members how we didn’t do what she wanted. If she’d told us what she wanted or needed we’d have done it if we could, but she didn’t ask. Somehow we were supposed to know without being asked. Impossible to please. There was no thank you from her because we were just doing what was expected and that didn’t deserve acknowledgment.
I've been living with a narcissistic sister for 53 years. She's a child that never grew up. I'm now forced to be co-caretakers for my elderly mother with her and it has been pure hell. I would never ask her how to talk to her, I just won't give her that power. I am an empath,we are polar opposites. I would have stopped talking to her 30 years ago and pretty much did except when forced to deal with her at family holidays. Now I have no choice but to deal with her unless I decide to just walk away and let her care for my mom on her own. She has literally destroyed every single holiday, birthday, family vacation, etc because of her behavior. I grew up with my parents constantly saying " don't upset your sister" and they did little to reprimand her. She would ( and still does) push me and push me until I would explode and then somehow I ended up the bad one because I finally lost my cool. I have been dealing with this for so long that I fantasize about just walking away from the situation because it just never changes and all I want for myself is peace and a chance at a normal life away from this drama before I die.
I relate to this, sorry.
Walk away!! Run run run! I mean it!
I’m dealing with a similar situation except the narcissist is my dad and we are co-caregiving for my mom. He has been so awful and if it weren’t for wanting my mom to be taken care of I would walk away.
I had a former narcissistic friend who said she had to walk on eggshells around my husband and me. We were never once antagonistic with her. It was always her going off on me. I knew the moment she said it she was projecting. She's the reason I'm learning about narcissism and narcissistic abuse so if I ever bump into her again I won't be tempted to let her back into my life. She's a very malignant, antagonistic narcissist, and my world is so much quieter when she's out of it.
My mother and mother in law say the same about me. It’s because I don’t let them constantly criticize me, lol. It’s scary how most people please these people, not even thinking about it.
Momma- my brother used the exact same language w me about walking on eggshells and it was total nonsense. Your words helped me. Projection!
my ex said he was sick of walking on eggshells with me and i was so confused because anytime i got upset, it was in direct normal emotional health response to HIS cruelty (awful accusations and constant belittlement). when i explained to him he is being cruel, he told me i need better coping mechanisms like he has and if i just knew how to cope w adversity as great as he does, none of this would hurt. he also told me he isn't yelling at me, he is "raising his voice" and not being allowed to do so makes him feel disrespected / unheard. my final straw was him being 42 liking bikini photos of a 19 year old girl online. again, when i made the mistake of pointing this out to him, he said it's my own insecurity that sees it as a bad thing. i said i am 37, i cant be insecure over a 19 year old... my gosh. no amount of explaining how creepy and predatory this action made him look would he accept. once i caught on to his real self, i researched him and found a sexual assault case, intent to harm a child, physical assault, etc. this all from a guy who is a self proclaimed "male leader" and "defender of the defenseless" vegan advocate.
@@louisav11 oh my. I read your story and it resonated with me , i am just shocked as it is very similar. I met a guy few months before. I now after 4 months came to visit him in another country.
He accused me of strange things amd bellittle me
I started crying and left. When I finally said he crossed my boundaries he asked ' what boundaries ? You do not have any. You should work on your communication skills as you cannot handle our conversation well'.
I am just shocked what i am experiencing here. All the charm which was held on the phone is gone in the morning . Happy in the evening. Maybe it is work stress or what but I just cannot believe how he talk to me now.
I found it puzzling when my friend said he felt like he was 'walking on eggshells ', when we were the ones dealing with his frequent daily loud cussing and raging rants (at other drivers on the road) and at home.
He said he couldn't be himself around us (me and my son).
Turns out he wanted a Life style of doing drugs, cuss and have sex whenever it pleases him.
He stated; "I do what I want, when I want, how I want... regardless who's around"!
Who says that? I guess that was the first red flag.
OMG. I had a light bulb moment. Trying to analyze why I am being viewed as the evil in family. My sibling is a narcisist. Bahaviour matches perfectly. Thanks for great content 👍
Thank you this is so helpful. I used to be reactive with my narc ex, I always believed there was a reasoning that could be had, a relationship to be worked on, and all things emotions was what had been modelled to me as a child. It becomes quite terrifying and exhausting to be utterly invalidated and confused by the gaslighting. I am so thankful for surviving this but escaping it to a degree (Co parenting). The notion that I need not react has been so empowering. I do have to keep coming back to these videos to remind myself that I'm not crazy!
This works on narcissists, who are not skillful at obtaining narc supply. Know their tricks inside out, know your triggers and avoid taking the bait. If they have failed at something, do not hesitate to point it out, but in very friendly words. If the behavior becomes too bad leave the room or house. Reward good behavior with a praise. Every night reestablish emotional well being through journaling and music.
Perfectly said!! My narc is 18 years older than me. It's hard he is smart!! Thank you for your strength. I wonder how many people are the same as me stuck because of completely giving up my whole self and have no resources that understand or will help.
@@endtheabusen78 , no, you do have the resources- inside of yourself . Start remembering the things you used to like , but gave up because the narcissist discouraged you from doing them . For me that was dancing, knitting, listening to music, even reading the newspaper. You say he is smart- that might be something he made you believe, because narcissists are pretenders. First of all you need positive energy to re establish your emotional stability, I was fortunate to have a therapist but nature, religion , meditative music, maybe leaving the narcissist can help. Best wishes and do not give up.
@@endtheabusen78 Go within, so you don’t go without ❤
Went no contact with my narc sister about 2 years ago. Best decision with best outcomes for my own sense of peace, well-being and happiness. For 5 decades (I’m 53) I struggled and endlessly tried to have a decent relationship with my only sister. My only value to her was that of a convenient punching bag- literally! For so long I needlessly suffered, then learned from it and finally set myself free.
“When you meet someone whose path differs from yours, send them love and move along.” -Dr. Wayne Dyer
Thank you so much! After 24 years you helped me see that my soon to be former husband really is. I remember one time he said he wished he could read my mind. I was so confused on that because of I was so assure of the love I was giving him but he would always question my love and I was drained trying to constantly express myself. I sent this these videos to our oldest children. And I’m so aware of a lot of things he was preventing me to do for my children to help them be independent he didn’t want that for us he wanted us to always depend on him so he could have control. I was 16 when I met him. Now I’m trying to learn finance and teaching my adult children to be independent without him around. This is a hard pill to swallow but I’m really so much relieved from all his emotional games.
Thank you so much for helping me.
P.S me and my former spouse was watching diary of a ceo together when you were on his podcast. My heart hit the floor but one thing I did know was that he wasn’t going to own up to his behavior because he lacks self awareness. When I say thank you! You are helping generations to come with this and also breaking generational curses.
Peace love and light to us all!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Dr. Ramani... and bless you for being here for us! 🥰
“❤One who stares at a rock has a lot on there mind or nothing at all “…. I’d rather not look down at rocks anymore I’ve done in my entire life with my head down I’m lifting it up now because I’m watching these videos so I guess I am no contact because I like looking at the beautiful clarity of the sky thank you Dr Ramani❤
I'm trying so hard to get away from my abuser and it's not easy. Since watching your videos I'm gaining my confidence and I'm going on the right direction. It's so sad how they can't or won't see what they are doing to us.
Right and how they don’t understand why we don’t want to be around them. Just goes over their head. It’s so messed up.
@Kimberly S. your very right! I never knew I was in this type of toxic relationship until I stumbled by Dr. Ramni's videos by accident. I just assumed Scott acted this way and treated me how he does because I had done something wrong. Learning it's not me and learning how to love me again as been nice but challenging all at the same time. I'm positive I don't know how I am I lost her a long time ago.
@@teresahodges4956 u have friends here. Best wishes and so glad your eyes are open. No guilt 💐
Dont qorry about making them see anything. Just see yourself. And just act along as you must do to be safe and take your time to plan your escape. Be careful.
@@kimberlys.7097its worse that we dont udnerstand we dont want to be around them and expect them to be somone we want to be arouns instead of walking away and not being around them.
I started practicing this in my own head first slowly out started coming out loud. It so works
Thanks to you for explaining the behavior of these narcissist. Now I know what I was dealing with in boyfriends, dispatchers (they really like having power and control over people don't they) I have quit jobs because the narcissist dispatchers treated me so bad. With your help I know what I was dealing with and I am learning to know what to look out for in the future. God bless you for your gift of teaching us this.