How to think about your narcissistic parent
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When a stranger on the internet is more validating of your feelings than your own parents đđđ
Right?! đ
The kindness of strangers !
That's says something I think, at least to me it does
yep. Itâs very telling. A good parent can admit their poor behaviour, maybe even apologize? But, they donât and never will...compromising doesnât exist.
So true!
For anyone who needs to hear it: donât set yourself on fire to keep others warm!
â€ïž
đčThank you
What does this mean?
easier said than done! sometimes doing so prevents a consequentially bigger fire
YES..!!âđœ GOTDAM I definitely needed to Hear this..!!! Spot the Phuq On..!! đŻ Those reared by a Narcissistic Parent have been "Conditioned" to assume responsibility for other People's Black&White, Irrational, Feelings For Facts, Emotional Unreality..!! đ€Ș=đ..đ· Constantly invalidating what you believe and feel, even when you have concrete evidence..!!đ§ Once you finally figure out you don't have to give any đ©'s (đ«đ©'s Given..!!âđœ..đ) how they Phucking feel because it "Set's you on fire..!! đ„" Expect the "Uproar of Epic Proportions" along with more "GasLighting" and Invalidation..!! And Yep..!! People will begin to look at you as cold and callous because you are being dismissive towards a "Toxic Parent" that CANNOT BE REASONED WITH..!! Your Job at that point is to continue to not give a đ©..!!âđœ..đ If they still don't get it..!! Your may have to resort to a "PHUQ HOW YOU FEEL..!!" YOUR FEELINGS AIN'T FACTS" level of defiance with them..!! Good Luck..!! â..đ€đœ..đ
I am the daughter of a covert malignant narcissist. My mother lived until 95. I always felt she was too mean to die. I had an older sister who was brilliant but fat. My mother never let her forget it. She had 13 plastic surgeries and a gastric bypass to please my mother. She never married, had 6 abortions that I know of and killed herself at 55. I also never had children. I am married and 71 years old. I am the living member of my family on both my mother's and father's side. I was the FULL TIME caretaker of my mother the last 5 years of her life. After her death I discovered why I had no self esteem, no boundaries and a constant people pleaser. I came across Dr. RAHMANI and learned all of this. There is no one left to discuss this with who knew her. I am kind, compassionate and empathetic. I rescue dogs the one true joy of my life. I want thank all of the people who commented because I now see that I am not ALONE. GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!
Now its time to live purely for yourself with all you love. I hope you have a good life.
I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. ((hugs))
Iâm so sorry for what you went through. God makes everything new and He will wipe every tear. Breathe and know that there is so much more to you than the abuse you endured.
@@catsneni Please stop bringing your God into this. For some of us God is largely responsible for all this shit.
I can so relate. Iâm afraid to have kids, I donât want to be like her
1. You were robbed 2:27
2. Acceptance is a temporary solution 4:14
3. Stop gaslighting yourself 5:25
4. It was not your fault 6:23
5.Stop justifying their actions because they attended basic needs 7:26
6. You may not be at peace until they are gone 8:53
7. Step away from enablers 10:23
8. No contact vs. grey rock 11:15
9. Stop excusing their behavior because of their backstory 12:42
10. Stop wondering what would be like if it was different and reparent yourself 14:44
11. Stop waiting for them to change 17:15
Thanks â€
Good on you.
This is very helpful. I tried grey rock and hoped they would come to their senses. They never change and with age their viciousness increases.
Thank you!! I needed this.
Iâm on step 8 and itâs difficult but I know I have to keep going đ
If you can survive growing up under a narcissistic parent, and still be loving and have compassion, You Are A HERO
This feels good. Thank you.
Thank you for these words.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for saying that. Iâm sure when I say this most feel the same way, we often feel the complete opposite of heroâs but the way you explain everything really opens our minds and shows us how resilient we truly are. The way I like to see it is the children of narcissistic parents are warriors who survived the war and the ones who have children afterwards and are the complete opposite of how they grew up are heroâs. Heroâs for the children. I always tell myself that I can thank my narcissistic mother for two things. Giving me life and showing me EXACTLY what kind of parent not to be. And Iâm so happy to say that my daughter is an extremely happy child. She gets exactly everything I never did and I make sure of that every day.
Thank you very much!
Reminds me of Hero by Mariah Carey. I used to listen and love that song when I was younger. Put in headphones and listen while my momster was in a narcissistic rage path.
"They put a roof over your head? Even a orphanage would do that" I love Dr Ramani, she is the most badass psychologist on CZcams! Well said!
I agree đ%đŻ
Absolutely đ€
for real
Agreed! đ
"Badass psychologist" is right!!
My narcissistic mother just died. Thank you for explaining the relief and peace I feel is normal.
I always say that Iâve grieved not having a maternal, nurturing, loving mother my whole life and when she dies, Iâll feel relief, not grief, as those with loving mothers feel at their passing. Iâm sorry for your lifelong pain, but am glad you feel relief and peace now, which you deserve.
I feel the same as you two, my mum 94 y on thursday... I have already grieved. Now I must take care of myself.
I got sick of it. Both my mum and my first husband betong to this group of people. My dad an enabler... and emotionally handicapped.
It's been fourteen years since my malignant narcissitic Dad passed away. I do not miss him.
I felt the same way about my dad. I didn't realize he was a sadistic narc, until the past week. He's been gone for over 20 years. I said, right after he died, that our relationship INSTANTLY improved!!
I hope that is the end of the arduous journey for you. I thought the same until I realized that there had been a smear campaign before the dirt nap.
I hate when people tell me...."well you only have one mother". I would rather have no mother then the one I have
I can't tell you how happy it makes me feel when Dr. Ramani says, "Narcissistic parents make me angry." Its nice to hear that somebody actually cares about us.
I felt good when she said that too.
IT IS NICE TO FEEL THE EMPATHY!! AND THE MORE NICE TRUE PEOPLE WE MEET THE MORE SELF LOVE KNOWLEDGE WE RECEIVE,MY MUM TOLD ME SHE DIDNT CARE WHEN I LAST BROKE NO CONTACT AND TOLD HER I HAD A BRAIN TUMOUR,IT WAS A BIG MISTAKE,SHE TOLD ME SHE DIDNT CARE,SO,NO MORE BREAKING CONTACT FOR ME, HOWEVER I DID TELL HER WHAT I NOW KNOW,UR A NARC HISTRIONIC BIPOLAR, DAD WAS PSYCHOPATH ALL ABUSIVE,NO,NO GOING BACK FOR ME,SELF LOVE.UK
Especially when you have people telling you to be nice to your parents, even though you know what they are like behind closed door. It gets frustrating people complimenting, enabling or covering their bad behaviour.
Absolutely!! Watching this video felt like a private therapy session!!
My personal favourite, âOh come on! Sheâs your mother!â
The absolute worst part of having a Nacissistic parent is actually the rest of the family enabling them. Like guilt triping you for not accepting being treated that way, or in my case dismissing it completely like i'm making it up or exaggerating. Not having others to turn to is the real hell.
This.
Or youâre the problem and not them.
Oh this was my story too. I have no family as it was only healthy by walking away from them all. They ganged up on me and it was a total mind mess up. The family kept my two abusive ex partners in the family even after knowing that. We didnât keep my sisters abusive exes in the family. One of my sisters is going out with my last ex of 12 years. Good riddance. We all deserve so much better. Much love and big hugs to you my friend.â€ïž
Boy! A mouth full was said here
Thats so true, I came to terms with my mothers behaviours when quite young, but have found it much more difficult to accept the behaviour from my extended family towards me, after years of trying for some kind of acceptance, I've recently made the move and blocked them all, it was much harder than blocking the mother because I like them, whereas I didn't like her, but it's getting easier, and I'm feeling lighter without all those constant unheard 'explanations' whizzing round in my head.
My narc mother recently died. I felt no relief, just completely sad that my inner child still hurts. I actually did not realize how profound the pain is from narcissistic abuse until she died. To all narcissistic abuse survivors, hug your inner child and tell him/her that he/she deserves to be loved.
I had to wait until she died for me to feel safe enough to grieve. I wish you the deepest peace going forward. â€
All these time I am thinking that I will probably feel the best once she diesđą
Itâs worse than bad sugar
Didnât give u good taste and leave a bad after taste
The hardest part about my mother is she can seem so kind and nice and seem empathetic. Then when I let my guard down she slams me and I get so angry that I fell for it. She is the nice Hostess and everyone comes to confide in her. For me, tough crap, she isn't interested.
I love you my friend. I love the piano in your avatarâ€
The irony is theyâll tell you âdonât be so sensiriveâ for disliking their insults. But if you dare to simply call them out on their behavior, they explode with rage. So itâs ok for them to be âsensitiveâ ?
My mom's enablers would tell me "She's your mother! She could die tomorrow!" And I would say "I could die tomorrow too! She had my entire life to think about that possibility"
That was always my mom's comment I could die tomorrow, would you happy that you never helped me đ
Your right! They actually stole your life! Sad you have to go there to defend yourself. (I mean talk about you dying)
Kgomotso Malope Iâm become evil. When my mom starts bickering âwhat can I do?!? Iâm gonna die soon!â (when I tell her how hurt Iâve been in my childhood), I just say âyou can dieâ. She never apoligizes, or anything, of course! This has been going on for 20 years! She tries to make me feel bad for not wanting to come visit her and my even more narcissistic, violent father. Sheâs so deeply hurt about not excelling at being a mother, like it was some task or competition - but she does not feel empathy towards me. Itâs always the same! I have to tell her how terrible my life with them has been, over and over again! Itâs been going on for over 20 years. She is always as surprised like she never heard, accusing me âif I only knew, she saysâ And Iâve been telling her thousands of times!!! And she has witnessed it herself! She even laughed at my plight, my fear and anxiety when I was kid, like an evil witch! Yet every time I tell her I donât want to come visit, itâs like a completely new thing, she acts like everything was news to her!
đđđđ
MsJeesus Thatâs how I look at it. My mother especially abandoned me my entire life. So I abandoned her at the end of her life. Hey, thatâs only about 4 years I left her when she left and abused me for 58. No comparison. She deserved to be kicked to the curb decades ago.
Anyone else crying ? We were robbed of our childhood.... that hits home. Very true - very painful
Screwed over for life is more like it.
Yes, I am crying, Tania. Your comment is spot-on! Sue
Same here tania
Definitely cried at points. We are allowed to grieve and the best part is in having it validated. They canât take this emotion away from us now. Because we now know we are not crazy, this is real and all of it really happened and it was awful. It is sad the tears are necessary, but they are healthy. I hope you are well on your way to finding your peace.
Yeah.
Iâve finally allowed myself to admit to myself that I wish my narcissistic parent would die. Admitting this helped me release a lot of trapped emotions and show up more fully for myself.
Same. I remember in 1996 my father passed away , I thought why couldnât it be my Mom? My father got the narcissistic abuse from my mom and her family also. Sheâs 82 now , in mostly good health , and will probably live til her 90âs. Ugh why do the good die young. Seems the worst narcs live forever. đą
I let myself off the hook for my wishing they were dead when I realized they always covertly felt the same about me.
malignant narcs are full to the brim of ill-will. PTSD is permanent fight or flight, the circuit that automatically activates when it detected a mortal threat in our environment.
as my trauma therapist said, you as a child didn't know if you would life or die in those moments.
absolutely true. and the PTSD â fight/flight SurViVaL mode proves they had murderous intentions despite their forebrains being active enough to inhibit acting on it - aware of police, jail, complete loss of face/public perception being the inevitable result of acting on their extremes of ill-will.
â€ïžâđ©č I hope you found this useful
I have very little to do with my narc dad, yet he expects to control me. I am 60 and do not live with him. He is over-the-top in giving me unasked for advice(dictating to me, based on his unreasonable expectations). I never asked to be treated this way. When I was younger, I complained, he said "tough shit" The jerk!
They do it to you. I was shocked when my narc father literally said, âI donât care if he lives or dies!â when I just went through a stroke.
So validating to see that dr. Armani is genuinely angry with this topic. I remember that when I was six, I went grocery shopping with my narc mom and helped carrying a cake from the store. When I tried to put it in the back of the car, I accidentally dropped it. A short moment later I was fed up with an absurdly raging mother yelling that I have to get back to the store and get a new cake. She send me without money. I entered the shop crying with the broken cake in my tiny arms. The shop assistant gave me a new one for free. I WAS 6 YEARS OLD. It is still the most mind boggling memory to me.
she felt so entitled to a new cake she sent you to manipulate the shop keeper....disgusting really
One of the toughest aspects of having a covert narcissistic mother - people with parents that weren't narcissists judging me for not being able to have a relationship with my mom. It is like being revictimized all over again.
It's even worse in our culture. South Asian as well. In Muslim culture, honoring your parents is literally the second command after worshiping God. I have such a hard time coping with this considering that my mother is just like yours. I feel no love when I look at her; only anger and grief. I hope God understands my struggle and forgives me when I stand in front of Him one day.
â€
and people constantly saying "god, your mom is so nice" lol. live with her for a few months and come back to me.
This resonates with me.
@@SRR1213 God knows everything and you must stay away from a toxic relationship, even your mother. Be well, and love thyself unconditionally.đ
Those Narc parents steal your life, destroy your youth, your ability for relashionships, your sense of self
they want you to have the life they never had too, sometimes
Gabriel Email Snap! And that is equally bad. My father has actively encouraged me to sleep with rich men.
So true! Mine did exactly that.
True đ
I so agree with you. They are determined to destroy every thing that matters to you. Its heart breaking.
My Narcissistic mother never allowed me to chase my dreams....but i discard her from my heart because she's not worthy of my emotions
For me, the best thing to think about my narcissistic father is nothing whatsoever. Each day that goes by where his existence doesn't cross my mind is another good day.
I'm hoping to get to that point!
âSTOP EXCUSING YOUR NARCISSISTIC PARENTS ON THE BASIS OF THEIR BACK STORYâ my GOD. That hit like a divine light on my little brain.
Seriously. Who cares what they went through to become narcissists. They made their choice to be one just as much as we've made our choice not to be. I grew up with two of them. Why did I not become a narcissist? Give me a break.
Absolutely
@@nunyabiznes3901 My mom had a rotation system for Golden Child based on who was complying with her bullshit and projections, obedience and psychological attacks according to her standard in any given moment. I would say that she is primarily a malignant narcissist. She made sure we all know that she would transfer the title of Golden Child in any given moment in exchange for the Scapegoat and vice versa. This is a division tactic that keeps us all divided and conquered, so that we are less likely to band against her, too, which is what we see in the world. But you would think all of us would choose to go the other way since we have all been treated horribly.
For some reason my younger brothers just can't see our parents the way that I see them, as their own classes of narcissist, and because of their denial, they have become narcissistic/enablers themselves...
The back stories. Oh my God, the back stories. "My mother dropped me on my head when I was a child". I swear to God if I ever hear my father say rhat again I'm going to make him relive it.
@@RegisteredNurse926 i don't know how old your brother is, but i had a similar situation with my brother, but let me tell you- he finally saw it. For years i was the only one who saw it and tried to confront me dad but i was always the only one. It was hard. My dad even told me i wasn't allowed over to his house for 2 years (he said i wasn't his daughter anymore). And yet they all spent the holidays together without me. No one said "hey steve, you're being ridiculous. Shelah is coming over since it's christmas. If you don't like it you can leave."
But my brother finally saw it. He has a kid now and he refuses to let our dad be around him. My mom also is finally divorcing him.
I hope your brother comes around. I still have a brother younger than me who doesn't seem to care or think our dad has a problem. "We should love him" is what he says, but what he means is "Let's help him stay this way."
I always imagine how being raised in love and affection would have changed my life and choices
All the time, yeah
Same âčïž
When I first saw someone close, having an amazing relationship with their mom, I started noticing the nasty interactions at my "home" weren't the normal... Ever since I wonder what a cool, communicative, supporting, friendly, warm family would feel like...
Definitely! Narc father and BPD mother made it a mofo miracle that I have survived to this point...thank You God! đđœ
I indulge in those day dreams too.
Im listening to this video in 2024 at age 66. Bless you Doctor for these insights. I will continue my journey of healing with your aid.
Me too at 55. I just found out last year.
What advice would you give your teenage/ young adult self?
That last bit got me. I started crying when she said that a hero is someone that grew up with a narcissistic parent and have retained their empathy and compassion. Because I know that being loved because you did something your parent can brag about and show off what a great parent they are because their child did something great. I love my kids unconditionally. I donât expect the same from them. Because that is exactly what my parent kept expecting. That is what they taught me not to do.
I've heard many a therapist say "your parents did their best". That to me felt like gaslighting. I never believed it.
I think the statement is implicitly true, but for a therapist to bring it up is really just bad therapy. Sometimes people's 'best' is complete failure... Even for a mother/father who drowns their infant in the bathtub you can still say "they did their best"
This is often an excuse used for parents who had tough background or were fairly poor. Very similar the way some people will excuse the behaviour of criminals based on their tough upbringing
Still no excuse imo - if you canât raise them properly, then donât have them.
Unfortunately occasionally even a well-meaning therapist can gaslight a client unintentionally.It's a example of how many therapists are still under-educated about this specific form of abuse,understanding the basics of NPD as a disorder is only Âœ of it...The other Âœ is learning about just how deep the đ° hole actually goes in regards to their abusive behaviors & it's effects on OTHER people.When discussing NPD it can't just focus on the actual narcissist because the very nature of their behaviors inevitably effects the people around them significantly.NPD essentially has very abusive behaviors BUILT INTO IT by it's very nature & it is so important for everyone to fully understand that.My own humble opinion would be to immediately seek a new therapist if you find yourself feeling gaslit or invalidated during therapy & not to be shy about asking them if they understand the mechanics of gaslighting,projection,etc among other common narc behaviors.Probably 1 of the most important things about these narcissistic abuse communities is that it helps create a safe space for survivors to feel understood & heard as well as being a place that helps to educate victims about what they've gone through so they can start healing & ultimately know how to recognize these screwballs so they never have to go through long-term narcissistic abuse again.Best wishes for your path to healing & peace.
It's an old saying... not true. My parents did their least, did the minimal, did nothing but the mediocre and abused us in the bargain. Those old rationalisms are maddening...I hate hearing them.
It was finally realising that my parents DID NOT care about me, that freed me.
Lets promise ourselves that we'll never let our children go through this
Good on you, mate. My mother promised while abusing me, that sheâd pay for my future therapy, and then didnât.
â@Ava Rose the fact that she knew you would need therapy is truly heartbreaking
@@Britta_Nong Thatâs kind of you to say. Thank you for the validation.
@@1cr19 you'll get through this â€
Agree!!
My narcissistic mother died in 2020 and her golden son in 2021. Even my financial inheritance was stolen also but really that was my life and blood on that money. They have no part in my future. They are not my happiness. So good to hear your validations Dr. Ramani đ
I was raised by two neglectful narcissistic parents. Every day, in every endeavour I take, I struggle with shame, self-doubt, anger, and guilt, like you said. It takes twice the amount of energy to complete the same task, and my health deteriorates as a result of the psychological burden. Iâm 32 years old now, and thanks to Succession I found you! And got the answer I have been searching for my entire life. THANK YOU!
I hear you⊠keep going. Youâre doing well just to get to adulthood.. we all understand the pain youâre going through.. what horrible people our parents are
Same here. I know how it feels. I am 44 and still struggling
I 100% agree with you and relate to your experience. I too am the product of two narcissistic parents and am now 33 years old. I have only recently cut off all contact with them and am starting to re-gain my sense of self-confidence and agency over my own life.
I too struggle with the same emotions that you described in your comment - shame, anger, self-doubt, and the occasional guilt.
Iâm actually currently in the midst of what seems to be a âdepressionâ as a result of all the psychological abuse all those years.
I hope to be able to get out of it soon and start truly living my life.
Whats succession? â@@CHL-tm7xx
@@thelmaivers-cg4wpI am the family scapegoat role. Iâm afraid if I have kids, eventually they will scapegoat me. I feel like my parentsâ lifelong invalidation of me has stolen my chance to experience being a parent myself. Iâd rather regret not having a kid, then go through more decades of self-sacrifice only to be discarded by my own children. Iâm wondering if I should just accept that my hands of cards in life is not to be a parent. Idk. You were able to successfully raise kids- do you have any words of wisdom to share ?
"Orphanages would do the same thing" 100% I can't stand it when parents think they are doing their children a favour by feeding and housing them. Thats child abuse!!! the children didn't ask to be born!!! Children don't owe these people anything!!
That's the one thing I never understood about my parents (particularly my mother). Such a martyr. Seriously - the things that would (to any normal person) be considered the very normal and ordinary expectations of parenthood were held up to be some sort of enormous sacrifice. People like that are just far too emotionally inadequate to be parents. :-(
@@louisewainwright8785 I thnk it began with being too emotionally immature to get married, but they were forced back then by age 22-25 max. We kids were doomed.
My mother would tell me things like " the world doesn't revolve around you" and " life is a two way street" if I complained that she forgot to pick me up from school again. I was 7. I had to walk back 2km alone. I often got the impression that she actually wanted something to happen to me. She would've loved milking all the sympathy and attention she could out of it.
Louise Wainwright agreed!!
And sometimes don't even feed them, the middle school near my house has to give out free lunches all summer and even during a normal school year, all the kids get free lunches.
"narcissist parents will never change"
this is the most important fact to accept
mine's 87 and more unbearable and nasty now than she has ever been
Why is it so hard to accept? I wish I just didn't care..
@@grai oh my, so they will get worse ?
@@carissamarella9614 be grateful if they *stay the same* that's all you can hope for
They get worse as they become elderly because they legitimately need help - which of course they exaggerate anyway - and it ramps up the self obsession
But just as toxic for sure
Just with more age related problems they expect everyone to solve *constantly*
Some real some not
But don't expect them to miraculously turn into a sweet old person because they don't
@@justflufflez7582 sometimes we wish they will change, because deep down we want to feel loved.. and we subconsciously have a belief of "if they are willing to change, it must happen because they want to be better parents for me (thus they must love me)" , while the truth is their ability/willingness to change or not has nothing to do with us.. it has a lot to do with themselves, of letting go of their own inner wounds and bitterness in their own life (that has nothing to do with us)
and what i learned to accept is, it's not our responsibility to heal them and it's not our duty to make them become the parents we wished they could be for us.. and accept that it's not that they don't love me, it's just they are just unable to love me in a "Healthy" way of loving me as a child, and no matter what i do for them, it won't change them into becoming "normal" parents i wanted them to be..
So now, i only do things that i am willing to do out of my own willingness, and not because of feeling guilt or duty.. because the truth is, they put so many expectations and responsibilities upon us.. so learn to not feel responsible for their wellbeing, because that pressure is what cause us to feel suffer from having narcissistic parents.. once i learnt to detach from my guilt (no longer feel responsible for my parents wellbeing, ex: fulfilling their expectations), having a narcissistic parent doesn't feel that burdensome as it used to feel đ oh and it's not selfish or narcissistic to unburden ourselves from something that is not supposed to be our responsibility in the first place
I know my mom is a narcissist. When my sister was born she became 'the child she deserved' and I was told she couldn't get rid of me because the cops didn't like the things she was thinking of. It got worse over the years. My dad, well I'm 52, and he still talks to me like I'm a stupid peice of sh%t. And he was horribly physically abusive as well. He was a blacksmith, and would beat me as hard as he could. I don't have anything to do with either of them these days. The family _knows_ he was bad. So when I was constantly full of rage at my treatment, being alone, being singled out as the scapegoat, the rest of the family just scratched their heads while mom directed their attention away from herself. People tell me, well that's you're mom! That's your dad! And I tell them, "Yeah, well bad people have kids, too."
Your words at the end. Thank you, I can't tell you how much I needed to hear that. It made me cry. Thank you.
I am sorry for your pain and all that you endured. And I am incredibly sorry you were alone in that pain as everyone that was supposed to protect chose to turn the other cheek. I think that is the worst part. I can understand this pain and alone feeling, so I want you to know that when you are speaking in the dark in your mind, I hear you. I hold space for you.
Remember, a seed has to break apart in darkness in order to grow. Sending you love...because you deserve it.
A relegious narcisstic parent,s is soul crushing, of any belief.
The first challenge in healing from narc parents is facing the primal loneliness of never having been seen or loved.
FACING. PRIMAL. LONLINESS. ....were basically like partial-humans. always trying to feel...whole
primal loneliness... so so so so true!
The NEXT step....... DON'T EVER let them BACK IN..........And WATCH them CRUMBLE đđ€ŁđđđȘ
@@jonathananderinholmes8318 yes itâs true.
@@leila595 I hear you!
I love the "stop excusing your narcissistic parents on the basis of their back story" my siblings and I did that for a long time until recently I've realized wait I have a back story, they are my back story and it was terrible and I don't behave like them. And my story matters too.
This comment helped me so much. Thanks
This is so beautifully said and apt to my life. Thank you so much for writing this comment â€
đđ»
I love this. Iâm 58 and JUST NOW realize Iâve been doing it!! No more!
Me too. No matter their past, we all have a decision to change. I didnt treat or raise my children like i was raised, by choice. But my parents kept the cycle going. Also i excused her (my mom) present behavior and amnesia to old age. Yet she can remember what she wants to. Sometimes we excuse people with older age to get a pass. Unfortunately but kind of fortunately my father was murdered 12 years ago. He was a narc too but karma came for him.
I'm almost 70, and to this day, I can't stand it when babies cry. I would immediately try to run out of the room or even leave a shopping center. A very nice and empathetic person once told me that it's my own inner child that used to cry like that as a little kid. For me, this is still a reminder of how narcissistic mothers impact us for a lifetime.
I can't thank you enough for your invaluable assistance, Dr. Ramani, I will hold you in my heart forever. â€
My teen daughter was the first person to say to me that food and shelter alone means you were emotionally neglected. My head just exploded. How did I never see that!?
can you explain
When I started no contact with my family 6 years ago, I felt overwhelming sadness, guilt and shame for leaving. A good friend corrected me, saying they left me way before I left them!
Yesssâ€ïžđđœ I'm going to remember that.
so so sooo true!!!
Yessss
I'm going to remember that as well
đđŸ
It was only months after my mothers funeral, that I realised that my hysterical sobbing at said funeral was actually relief that she was gone.
I hate that I look forward to this day for both my parents.
@@samme1024 That thought kept me going for the longest time and when it does happen, you don't realise that you're free straight away. But believe me, it does get better eventually, I just had to keep reminding myself that it was over.
@@joannedarley1893 thank you. đą
Joanne, I can't believe I just read these words. The same thing happened to me, only I had not put it together as you have. OMG. So that WAS it! I am sure it was. Thanks for that amazing insight.đđđ„
@@imadielariel3109 You are so very welcome, mine was a strange sort of guilty relief at first, then disbelief, I just couldn't come to terms with finally being free after so many decades of sheer misery. Good luck and a good life for you my friend, it does eventually get so much better.
This made me cry. I have suffered from their narcissism and overprotectiveness since I was little. Not to mention the constant fights they would have. I was taught voicing my own opinions was a negative thing, because every time I would express my feelings/thoughts, whether it is as insignificant as wanting to do my hair or feeling stressed about an upcoming exam, they would dismiss and invalidate my feelings or rage and gaslight me to believe I am all that is to blame. Therefore, I have grown to be a person who is not really good at communicating, especially expressing myself since I tend to ignore my own feelings. This really affects my mental health because I keep bottling up, and I am extremely unproductive most of the time when I am in the same household.
Other than that, I am 20. I make my own money with no allowance from them. I have just flown alone to another country for a work trip, but they would still flip over me hanging out late when they know I am somewhere just 10 minutes away from home. I know theyâre doing this because of âconcerning for my safetyâ but I am able to take care of myself and it makes me so stressed and exhausted from trying to prove to them I am capable of being independent. They donât realise all these would just push their child further and further away.
Rn my biggest goal is to finish studies and earn enough to move out. Sorry for such a long comment, I just needed to express this somewhere. Youâre a legend for reading this, hope you can achieve what you want in life
â€â€đč..you are amazing!
I really admire you and hope the rest of your life is extremely fulfilling.
I can completely relate to this
Please continue to keep going with your education and work.
Being the child of narcissistic parents is excruciatingly painful, but you are living your life. You are going forward! That is wonderful. I hope you continue to thrive.
Hereâs to self efficacy! đđŒ
Keep going, seek the Lord Jesus, he knows your pain and offers rest and hope.
#6 I've been waiting for my parents to die since i was like 12. Im 33 and still praying đ
*âThey were willing to throw you under the bus when you were a child.â* đ YES!
And they delighted in doing it.
And then laughed at you.
Massive light bulb comment for međĄ
I felt this! And shouted yesssss at my tv
That statement right there is so deeply disturbing, and it is so scary that it was the reality so many of us had to experience as kids. It makes me very very angry.
Every time my narcissistic parent triggers me, I just go back to watching this video and remind myself that I was robbed!
Wishing you all the best! I am in the healing process also. Give yourself tons of love!!! đđđđđ be well my friend â€đđâ„đđ
@@krystalhaugland we both need to give ourselves the love and compassion that was robbed from us
Thank you for the kind words
@@MathPiHanan exactly!! đđđđđđ
you will break this cycle! I wish u all the best!!!
@@migati Thank you so much for saying that. oh you have no idea how much I needed to hear it! I actually have two kids and I always doubt my parenting and if Iâm actually helping them. I never doubted loving them, which motivates me to get better.
She's absolutely right, when my narcissist mom died, all I felt was relief. I was finally free of the fear that she'd find a way to mess up my life again. The hardest part was all the enablers at her church telling me what a wonderful person she was and that I was a rebellious and disobedient child for not giving her a funeral. Sorry, there was no way I was going to spend one thin dime more than necessary to dispose of her body.
My mum was a covert as well. She adopted two black kids (one being me) was a nurse and had a speech impediment so they assume sheâs this amazing person. She was awful and said thibgs Iâd never say to my worst enemy. Mine isnât dead yet but I already told her take me
Out of your will I donât care when you die. I donât even want to know
@@junopierre2988 Unfortunately, I was the only relative left to handle the arrangements. She had driven my younger brother to suicide ten years ago, and my dad died within days of retiring. Even, though I was the sole inheritor, I got nothing, she had blown every penny of my father's insurance on garbage (she was also a hoarder) so I had the joy of digging through the mountain of trash that was her house to get the paperwork I needed to settle her affairs.
You can donate the body to science or organ donation. Something to remember in future. She will finally be useful in some capacity.
@@mjremy2605 She died of multi-system organ failure following vaccination. The people I called to donate refused her body.
@@priestessofkek2406 OK, I get it. However, medical students have a need for bodies, for plastic surgery practice, internal dissection. I will be either donating my organs or if not possible, take my body and cut it up and use it. No use to anyone 6 ft under or creating carbon pollution.
Iâve been no contact for a few years and feel guilty about it all the time. I need to listen to this message every day đ
I get it. I finally went no contact.
"As far as I'm concerned, if you can survive that childhood and come out loving and compassionate, you truly are a hero." !!đâ€â€â€
I agree! My friends say the same to me. We are overcomers
This comment brought tears my eyes...thanks Dr. Ramani for saying these words.
This made me cry so much! Dr Ramani, you are a blessing to soo many of us. Thank you! đđ»
Thank you! I'm literally crying : ) I'm an Empath. Imagine how intensive it is to be with a Narcissistic Sociopathic parent. It's a life long recovery for us.
@@elise0691 me too. A tear flowed. Thank you Dr. Ramani!đ
âStop gaslighting yourselfâ I started crying. I didnât realize by saying to myself well maybe Iâm being too hard on them was denying my experience.
đ„°âš
Hugs to you.
đ K A R L I E đ
Me too!
I gaslight myself everyday for what I think and feel. "I should think that or feel that way instead of what I think and feel right now" And this "should" is clearly my narcissistic mother
Canât cry anymore after all of the emotional abuse. Iâm so tired.
I thought I was the only one, most of the comments are crying but I can't cry anymore
I met a man who was my father's friend, on my 40th birthday, when I explained I was my father's daughter. He was shocked he had known my father for thirty years and my father had never told him he had a daughter. That was the moment that changed my life. I no longer have anything to do with my father.
I can relate. And it hurts doesnât it?
I had an employee of my father come to my home say to me: âI never knew your Dad had a daughter.â I was stunned but not surprised. My father is a misogynist and my golden child brother works for him. My Dad is one of 4 brothers. It was always about âthe boysâ.
THIS is why we should always question authority. "Honor thy father and thy mother" has caused so much needless damage and suffering for so many.
There is more to that verse, that always seems to be left out... âFathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.â
I remember sitting in church as a young person and wondering what about "protect and love your children"? That's not in any religious teaching. I left the church 40 years ago and am an atheist. I'm so much happier.
God! So true! Now, in retrospect, I see why my father always emphasized that to meâ ALWAYS question authority. You have only ONE authority. You know whatâs right for YOU, and thatâs between YOU and Godâ. He was the healthy parent., and I miss him soooo much now, as an adult!
I think we honor what is honorable. There may yet be something in them you can honor, but if not, trust that the truth can set you free. (See, picking out one verse to beat someone up with while ignoring the rest is not how you do it.) Peace & healing to you!
EXACTLY!!!
Anyone who is Empath here has a Narcissistic parent or Sociopathic parent? It seems like those horrible evil parents have compassionate children.
@@jeanag3279 Agreed. I am an empath, only child and have 2 Narc parents. It sucks, but I became a LCSW and now I pity them.
I have two! Wish me luck!
I have narcissistic parents and a narcissistic step dad and my sister and daughter and I are total empathy and we can't seem to stop kissing their butts and trying to please them no matter what they do and they can't stand our kindness and thoughtfulness towards them or especially towards anyone else , they think it is a foolish trait to be thoughtful . Give them a gift and something is always wrong with it or as mom puts it " I wish people would not give me all this crap that just clutters up my house and now I have to find somewhere to put it "
because you have to be a mind reader, know body language, judge situations, and predict others behavior to survive.
@@jeanag3279 I'm a product a narc parent , i stay the hell away !! She don't no where i live , nothing . I gave up years ago
At age 71 I finally learned that my parents broke my spirit. Now I am learning how to want to live. Unfortunately, I damaged my own children in some ways because of how damaged I was.
The loss of a narcissistic or BPD parent is a big relief. The not-so-big relief is the awareness that comes later that the other parent didn't, couldn't, or wouldn't protect you.
Yes. The other parent who stayed in the abusive relationship that had soured. The other parent who allowed the abuse to go on for years. The other parent who was a better parent overall but still failed you.
âThere are no more second chances in childhood..â - this hits deep
Same
Very deep...
Yup
Hit hard
I believe that we reincarnate and have several lives in order to learn many lessons. I'm hoping I have a nice loving mother in my next life.
The narcissist parent makes things horribly confusing because some days they feel like presenting themselves as benevolent and are actually nice. Itâs a trap.
But even when they are benevolent, it is for their own benefit, not yours
Wow we are all here for the same reason and yes I have been struggling if my separation from my 80 year old mother was best but know I can say sometimes the guilt plays with me but I'm strong through therapy for the past 9 years I'm healing and iv made it out and healing and taking care of myself mentally and physically iv got my feet on ground with no looking backwards and no more long explanations of why she can't come over or why I can't come spend time with her I love her but I love me more ..thank you for speaking Dr .And everyone in comments keep healing
you always need to think about the psycholigical basis: survival. narcissism is not a joke, its a survival strategy. there is suffering and pain unimaginable behind it that fuels all types of short-, mid- and long term strategies to keep objects close that regulate their self-worth. lying, cheating etc. p.p. its not a joke, not a past time, its SURVIVAL.
imagine true hunger for food... dispair for food. this is what it feels like and why its so tough to deal with. *cough*
A trap. Yes itâs a trap. A trap!!!! I had cognitive dissonance. I believed that parent was the good one who recognized me as their child,, but at the same time always felt like Charlie Brown and the football. Believed the lies every time.
It doesn't stop in childhood. It's awful and everyone misses the abuse,it's an invisibility. Horrible. I think I was given to the wrong family since I'm the opposite.
My parents are both narcissistic. I am 65 and still trying to be accepted. I am the scapegoat of 7 kids and all siblings, including parents, do not speak to me. I've learned so much from you and am so grateful. Because of you. I've been able to go no contact. A year ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and believe it is because of the stress of being abandoned and rejected. My mom still hates me and talks smack about me to everyone. I am grateful for my kids and friends who validate what happened to međąđąđą
I'm so sorry for everything. My mother (and father) has always hated me, too, so I know how painful it can be. And I've had strabismus for 15 years (since I was 10) and it makes me different (ugly) from normal people. To be honest, I don't know if I will ever heal in this world. Life has always been hard for me, yet I'm trying to go on and remember what God said: "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is Godâs will for you in Christ Jesus". Even if it seems like no one cares, God does. I'm planning on getting baptized in the name of Holy Trinity (apparently, if one was baptized as a child, it doesn't count, because it must be an adult decision). It gives me a lot of hope. I hope you can find hope in faith, too. Heaven bless you!
" I've learned so much from you and am so grateful. Because of you. I've been able to go no contact"
Your Mom would probably wail about her cancer. Her breasts are being destroyed by the cancer. I have seen this happen, that a narcissist will focus on the disease of another, claim the attention and pain for themselves. Make themselves the center of attention.
" A year ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and believe it is because of the stress of being abandoned and rejected."
Maybe. What is not doubtful was that you've been in the hot seat for decades. You did not deserve to be in the hot seat.
I hope that you focus on treating your cancer, keep those vampires at bay. Narcissists are horrible about tragedies.
I hope you get well soon
â€â€đčđ
I felt so grateful to read your comment. Thank you and I wish you freedom and unconditional love
My dad : "There comes a day when you have to stop living for your children!!" I was a teen when he said this to me.
This woman is so generous and humble with her intelligence, doesn't hurt that she beautiful also
Beautiful inside and out,,
I agree. We are very blessed to get her wisdom for free. It is extremely invaluable to me!
Very easy on the eyes.
Angel on Earth
Iâm not going to idealize her :) Iâm mostly thankful for what she does!
Dr Ramani, the way you started this out was better than any speech Iâve ever heard in my life. Yes, we were robbed. I loved the way you summarize why that is true. Nailed it!
Iâm so disgusted by people who shame me for disliking my father. They shame me for envying the daddyâs little girl type.
My husband IS a hero. His dad was a narcissist and tried to sabotage his life at every corner, and physically abused him sometimes horrifically. He went to a 4 year university and studied sociology and now educates kids with disabilities. He's the kindest, most thoughtful, and most gentle man I know. A real hero.
So pleased you have a man like this and that you treasure and value him so much. I wish you both a wonderfully fulfilled life together đ
Wow you for blessed!
Wow. That is beautiful!
This sounds exactly like my mother. Loves to sabotage me. Every time I start to open my heart to her I get a knife in my back.
Respect to him .
Whats bad is that your sibling sometimes sides with them
Yes! How come this happens? Don't they see it? Or are they just fooling themselves that their narcissistic parent is actually good to make their life bearable?
Yup scapegoating and triangulation
They have to be in control and the star of the show
Mine did... They agreed with my parents about getting what I deserved for being bad and acting out growing up...
@@hannavalenta6717 they are probably still under control of the Narc and believe their slander
"You were robbed." Yes. Plain and simple. Thank you, Dr. Ramani †It's the sad truth, and I still grieve the childhood I had (as well as the one I didn't have), but hearing you say this feels incredibly validating.
In the past, I may have partially excused my father's narcissism on the basis of his backstory but it was also a really useful way for me to have compassion for him. Nowadays I don't excuse his narcissism at all but if I can find a way to have empathy for him then that is really liberating for me because I can at least acknowledge the empathy inside me and the fact that I have somehow managed to become a much more compassionate person than he ever will be.
God bless you â€ïž
I agree with you đŻ percent. To not have compassion and let it go from that angle means to keep yourself imprisoned and poisoned with resentment. Let God and let go.
I canât tell you the amount of times my dad straight up told me something did not happen that I vividly remembered as a child
I feel you. This has happened so many times to me and in my adult life it still happens. Not only does my narcissistic father treat me and my brother this way he also extends it to my mother.
I heard a quote by someone talking about gaslighting and saying; I remember this event because it was a life changing moment that affected me forever, for you it was a Tuesday.
Of course he or she wonât remember but you do.
Yes! Major trauma my parents flat out deny. It's infuriating
Me too... or it was your fault it did happen! Or you're ungrateful too sensitive and on and on!! đ
Me too. My dad makes up stories of neglect and abuse so shocking to all our extended family, and I have had to defend myself in court several times. Shame was heaped on me as a bad daughter caused me to have a heart attack and cost all my savings. My sister also a narc took all my my late mother's belongs for herself including jewelry and my childhood photos. My dad got police to throw me out without notice.
Gave all my belongings to my sister to be spiteful. Run away.
Having a narcissistic parent is literally the most loneliest feeling in the world. Instead of you coming first itâs switched around. Many times in my life I needed my mother there for me and she wasnât. Iâve learned to survive on my own while carrying the emotional baggage. I hope one day I can heal fully from the trauma and pain.
Truth!
It sucks. It truly does. But I think you can do this!
If you ever need someone to listen⊠Iâm here.
You're not alone...
I feel really similar. Itâs a tough process parenting yourself and healing with this trauma, as I feel itâs such a grey area kind of abuse. Iâve only found solace online about my feelings of being narcissistically abused, itâs not really a popular topic of discussion in greater culture. Thereâs a lot of people who are victimized in this way, and adopt these harmful traits too.
I know exactly what you are talking about. Every momumental moment in my life, positive or negative, I was alone. Very minimal support from the one loving parent.
OMG, this describes my life. My childhood felt like a prison sentence. I received very little validation from anyone inside or outside my family. I still worry that I could be shamed, if I speak my truth. You are a hero!! Thanks for being brave enough to speak out about narcissist parents. I'm sure the narcissist backlash travels everywhere. This video is much appreciated đ.
Yes, it did feel like a prison sentence, exactly.
I had narcissist parents and sibling...it never leaves you the damage they do. I never had the confidence to fulfil my potential but with my own kids ive shown love and support so they have achieved a nice life. Its all you can do.
"A narcissistic parent is a special kind of hell" - as always dr Ramani finds the right words for the situation
Most of the time she just intended on torturing me. I grew up with mom, dad brother on earth assist and then me. But there are many times when she just straight up wanted me dead and
â@@meganhofbauer9847 yes yes even I hear my parents often saying that they wish that i was dead
I am crying like a child. I have been waiting 53 years for this and thought nobody will ever understand.
Same I'm 30 đ€Łđ
I understandâŠam 45 now
Iâm so sorry. â„ïž
â€ïž
Me too,
Thanks Dr Ramani, youâre amazing.
At age 60 with a narcissistic 82 year old mother who i broke ties with just last Christmas (uk), this has been a comfort for me. It has helped my own self esteem and mental health, but i do worry a lot for my 52 year old brother who lives with her and is trapped in the situation. My mother does not let me speak with him and he has almost completely shut down.
I have had lots of counswlling iver the years but only by realising that mum is narcissistic over the last few years have i started to love myself a bit more.
I have one daughter who i admit to have 'spoilt' with too much indulgence, and i see sime narcissistic signs in her, but hopefully by setting boundaries now i can help her be more empathetic... not helped by the fact that she is autistic.
But she knows i give her unconditional love, which i never got from my mum.
So glad i saw this video.
I cut my narc mother out of my life a month ago. Absolutely NO regrets. She has toxic personality traits: extremely judgemental and critical of others, very concerned about how other people see her, completely self-absorbed, petty, spiteful and vindictive and uncaring. (Unless it's about herself.) The only time she ever phoned was when I could be of some use to her. The breaking point was when she hurled verbal abuse at me down the phone, yelling and screaming at full volume over something that didn't warrant that kind of reaction. It was full-blown narcissistic rage. That's the moment she lost her daughter. And she has nobody to blame but herself.
WOW, the last phrase hit me hard. "having to survive that and still keep your empathy and compassion makes you a hero". That is the deepest validation my inner child can get. Thank you.
Same here, Roxana. I pray that we both find the strength to be good and compassionate people despite our very rough childhood. đđ»
And now I'm crying
@@themoldavitecorner Sođ„° be it
@Donât care Yes yes and yes
And then there's when your only sibling grows up to be a carbon copy of your narcissistic parent. đą
The best thing I ever did to myself is, I became the Dad I wish I had. I started telling myself what that perfect Dad would say to me. And I did it.
And thats what breaks the cycle
Beautiful
Never let your guard down because as long as the N Parent is alive, there is a chance you will be sucked back in.
thank you so much for that
I honestly am afraid to have kids because I have seen myself already mirroring my N mom and I really don't even wanna have kids until I no longer have ANY of her in me and until I grow a whole new me đđđđ„” what you did for yourself and for your child is my goal and an inspiration
Being raised by 2 narc parents has been the absolute hardest battle Iâve ever had to deal with. I still fear Sundays. I remember people going to church so happy, and I was at home screaming and begging that God have it stop.
I was adopted by two narcissistic alcoholic parents at the age of 5. I was their maid, their servant, but far worse than the forever long work was the intense mind-games & bullying, even the slaps to the face were easy compared to the gaslighting, name-calling & religion used as a weapon against me. Sadly, I have many autoimmune disease I attribute to being raised this way. Having had a stroke in 2021 I have now fell into a pit of rumination as mentioned in this video. I canât help but wish I could have had a different circumstance, so I could have been a healthier productive adult. Itâs like Iâm trying to complete a story in my mind, a reason why, to make sense of it to be able to accept it. Thank you very much, Dr. Ramani, youâll never know how much this video helps us who have suffered this way. It means so much to hear someone understand & care.
When you wrote "It's like I'm trying to complete a story in my mind" --- so relatable. I think it's hard for us to understand or comprehend because it's so outrageous and something we ourselves would never do. How can the ones who are supposed to love and take care of you treat you worse than strangers? My mum rented out a house to 8 people, I was one of the 8.. all the others were strangers and had beds, wardrobes etc. I slept on the hard floor. I felt like a worthless dog. The wardrobe i bought with my own money was given to someone else. The reality, as Dr Ramani alluded to in this video, is that in the sick cowardly mind of a narcissist they KNOW they can get away with treating a child or someone dependent on them like that, with no repercussions. They can get away with it. But doing it to others, no way. They abuse the defenseless voiceless easy targets. Because they are cowards. And they don't know the definition of love. They only care about themselves. And having someone to abuse gives them a sense of power. That's the disease of narcissism. I hope you find a way to end the rumination, I'm on the same journey as you. Hope we get there. đ
i currently live with a narcissistic parent and i can tell when sheâs manipulating and gas lighting me. every time. i honestly applaud myself for the fact that i havenât disappeared off of the face of the earth yet.
I totally get it. But don't disappear sweetie. You have your whole wonderful big life in front of you. Just do what you need to do to move out and away. Xo
Move, now!! Not next week, now!
Kudos to your courage and clarity. Stay strong!
Sev en, I hope taking the info from this video will help you. Understanding the monster is a first step to self preservation. Pls understand that your parent's behavior is NOT your fault. That you do indeed matter. I would encourage you to find someone that you can trust and talk to about your hurts and feelings because I wish I had that when I was young and clueless about my abuse. I wish you the best.
there are so many incredible country songs created every year, and for the @Recording Academy / GRAMMYs to include ours for the 3rd year in a row (tequila, speechless, and now #10KHOURS) is a tremendous honor. thank you so much to the nomination committees for considering us, it truly means the world. weâre proud to share this moment with our friend @Justin Bieber, and all the wonderful fans who got us here. â€ïž
I have stopped talking to my mother. I decided that I do not allow toxic people in my life and that includes my mother.
Good choice! Done the same...We deserve happiness and peace.
I stopped talking to my dad.
I went "no contact" when I turned 40. It was having my own children that started my healing and realizing my mom was toxic because I could never do to my babies what my mother did to me and my brother.
ive had 20 years so far strong of estrangement from toxic-junkie-abusive mom (deadbeat junkie dad walked out in my 3rd grade year). I hear you, friend. real talk. it can be done. we make these choices very, very carefully and seriously. i see you in this, and i respect your choice(s) to walk away.
Thatâs the best way to handle it
I cried more in this 20 min video than this entire year⊠it hurts so much knowing tht things will never change, since sometimes my dad was capable of love and affection but just one wrong word can spiral in screaming and yelling for hours. Itâs like my heart was cut open all my life for the pain I had to endure
Happy to hear someone acknowledge how much mother's day sucks for some
I think the most frustrating thing is when the whole family lines up behind the narcissist(s) and then tells the scapegoat it's because they don't want to take sides or get caught in the middle, but they are picking a side by doing that. Then they gaslight the scapegoat by refusing to hear anything they have to say, but they certainly sat there and heard the narcissist's side of the story.
I'm sorry that must be so hard and lonely.
This what narcissists do, they seek to control how others see their scapegoat.
THIS
This has happened to me, too.
Iâm seriously going through this right now !!! I made a video on my channel. I feel like my mother and her daughter turned the whole family against me . But itâs fine Iâm gonna continue to block people and worry about the family god blessed me with
âHaving a narcissistic parent is a special kind of Hell.â đ
I could not say it better Vulnerable Living !!!
It is the most hellish kind of Hellđ„
An inescapable hell when youâre a child at that. đ
My father used to say to me when he was alive: " if anything happens to me and you're still in the house, get out immeadiately...Your mother is going to turn your life into hell... He was absolutely right! Since he passed away in december 2008, that's all that she's done with gaslighting and selfishness...
@@marjoriemascheroni8034 Absolutely True Marjorie
Dad was M.I.A., Mom was a lifelong narcissist, until the day she died. You are so right- she did think sheâd live forever. I visited her a couple times a year, and each time she would end up saying, âGo Home, donât come back!â One of her favorite sayings was, âoh go on!â Gaslighting, and invalidating any subject from our past I would bring up. It helps so much to recognize now, what she was. Thank you!
Exactly the same situation as mine! I didnât realize untill now that my mom is actually narcissistic because she covered it with constantly doing household chores and l always believed l had to feel pity for her. đą
iâm 18 and iâm dealing with a narcissistic father. heâs old and as bad as it sounds i am waiting for his passing because of the damage heâs caused to the family. i want to break the cycle and be better . i find myself to be way more caring and kind, passionate and loving, so iâm glad i didnât turn out like him. however my brother on the other hand kind of did. and it hurts to see him defend our fatherâs actions. itâs not my problem anymore, iâm living happily with my mother and this video made me feel so validated !
â You may not be at peace until your narcissistic parent passes away.â
Wow, that really hit me! By now, at least one thing I know: I will not feel guilty at all.
I havenât. Itâs freedom from jail.
Amen.
Break out the champagne. Blow up balloons. Throw streamers. Cheer like you won the lottery. You've earned all of that when they are done and dusted. I can't wait!!
@April Williams yeah, I donât wish anything bad on my mother either, I just wanted her to leave me alone. But I am now already taking steps towards that. She wonât change, it will have to be me, so keeping the distance and putting strict limits where sheâs used to abuse. After all, nobody forces me to do anything and the sense of guilt and obligation is only on me now. Itâs sad we need to take these measures on family figures such our parents, itâs a pity things need to be like that, but we need to face reality and process the sadness therein and move away from toxic relationships
Peace on your journey too.
I hope so.
"An orphanage would do that much". Sorry Dr Ramani, I'm going to be using this line now! â€ïž
This! 7:50
Or a babysitter
Even prisons provide shelter and clothing to the inmates. I love it when people try and say that because a parent did that it automatically makes them good.
My mom used to say "I could have given you up for adoption." I told her once "I wish you would have". They really think they went all out providing basics (if that).
@@rachelb4235 I swear if I or my younger two siblings ever said that to my birth parents when we were kids, you bet your ass we would have been a) sent to our rooms, and b) grounded for [instert amount of time here], because that's back talk. At the very least we would have been yelled at. I would not doubt for a second the possibility that my sister may have said similar things, but I wouldn't know due to not being present for a lot of those arguments.
I love you Dr.Ramani - for posting this because it's literally the first time someone with psychological authority stated that: a) my experience was valid, b) it is ok and I am allowed and validated in my statement that growing up with narcissistic, emotional and physical abuse was HELL, and c) That it is a perverted type of thinking that my (adoptive) parents "sacrificed so much" for me. I literally never learned what real generosity in family is like until my spouse's father helped us get a house out of love rather than to lord it over me, punish me or beat me over the head with this notion that they are so great and I'm shit. I still have to deal with punishment for trying to go no contact in my early 20s. That was 20 years ago but I still have to hear about how awful and selfish I was to cut them out so that I could save my own soul and life and begin the long process of reparenting. Thank you thank you thank you. đđđ
Iâm almost 40 and learning about this is the first thing that finally makes sense for the anxiety, depression, and inability to have healthy relationships that Iâve been struggling with most of my life. I moved away from home years ago but still struggle badly. Iâve been thinking recently about going back and confronting my parent once and for all for how deeply they hurt me but now Iâm not sure it would make it better. I also relate to a lot of the traits listed in a narcissist and believe I was groomed. Now that I know, the part about reparenting myself really resonates with me. Iâm grateful for you and this channel on this new path of healing.
I think we all have this fantasy of confronting the narcissist parent. I recently did that and got beaten by my father. He is 70 and was sick but still found it ok to hit me with his crutches. Donât go there, it turns into insanity. Relive the confrontation fantasy only in your mind.
This is so relevant, I canât even explain how frustrating when people say â they are your parent, you need themâ. Please, my narcissistic was a sperm donor.
Most people who say things like that are just enablers ( in best case scenario ) you should absolutely not care about their stupid opinion.
Every now and then there IS someone who is just a little dumb or naive and genuinely doesnt understand.
If you feel the need, for whatever reason, to make them see/ understand your point more this helps:
Ask them if they are for or against child abuse. Dumbest question in the world right? Every one in his right mind is against child abuse. So their answer will be: I am against child abuse. Then you can say: " I was that abused child once "
It can help a lot.
Greetings from the Netherlands đłđ±
Mine were egg and sperm donor too btw :)
Exactly! âșïž
My parents actually adopted me, so they really wanted someone to destroy, I guess.
@@tiptapkey ugh... sicko's ..
Your cat is great btw
Gaslighting was the first language taught to me and walking on eggshells was where I took my first steps. 58 years in I finally went no contact 2 months ago. Never too late to learn. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Well done! Iâm so proud of you.
So proud of youđ„ș I wish you good luck!
40 years of walking on egg shells and yes gaslit from day one. I went no contact 8 months ago and loving it.
Good for you, I am 40 and I moved out of state but itâs not far enough. I need to go to no contact too.
I'm also 58 and went no contact 2 years ago. I never had a mother, I had a monster.
I thank God every day for CZcams. All the darkness is coming into the light. Let's all do greater for our future generations. This is a life saver!
Forget the deathbed confession. Ignore their calls for you and send them off with the final narcissistic injury.
Dr Ramani, I was in tears after watching this video. As a daughter of narcissistic parents, I appreciate your observations. I have been working on healing myself for 72 years. Bless you.
My love to you
I wish there was an easier way for people who have gone through the horrors of being raised by narc parents could get together and support each other. The best thing was learning that I am not alone and what we're all feeling is normal.
Same here Beverly!! My heart goes out to you đ my life has been nothing but ptsd from this upbringing
My heart goes out to you, Beverly. 63 years for me. I wish you peace and love.
Hi Beverly - We must have had the same parents and I, too, am 72 and the hurt never goes away!!! Now my sister has taken up their ways and I did not have to leave the family, she had them drop me. Sooooo painful and confusing. My mother told me when I was 5-6 years old that I was an accident. My sister told me years ago that my father told her he could not stand me. Did I grieve their deaths? NO.
My mom lied so much when I was a kid, I started to doubt my memory.
Same
that was probably exactly her intention.....
Same thing with my father.
I can relate. Even today my mom "edits" her memory of everything. At least other people see it too so I can reinforce my sanity.
Same here
I sure do wish I had heard this 50 yrs ago! I was the âscape goatâ and the âwhipping girlâ for everything!! When you have a âwhack-a-doodle for a mom, it can lead to a really messy life!! It lead me to accept abuse from others! As Iâve grown older,though, I have learned to put up stiff boundaries and have cut off most of my family! And keeping those far away, that tolerated the abuse they saw poured on me, is my self protection! I am perfectly at peace with this decision! That being said, even after a HORRIBLE childhood, young adulthood, and many years with no contact with my mother, I am the one who stepped up and took care of her the last 2 years of her life! I did that because I felt that was what God wanted me to do, and Iâm so glad I did it! It was hard after the hell I lived through, But I am not the weak child I once was, but strong, capable, and I have no regrets! I am the last person my mother ever spoke to and the last words she ever said was, âI Love You!â - To me!!âŠ.. I know not everyone gets this , but I know it was a gift, to me, from God! I know my mother was abused, in many ways, like I was! The hell she put me through was what was done to her, which lead to further abuse for her from others. Her past spilled over on me! No excuses, just factsâŠ.. I am a much healthier person now and have a wonderful life!! Thank you for this wonderful video! I needed it! đ
They don't change, even in death. Their poison continues in our memories. Having a narcissist parent with an alcoholic mate, who is the better parent!! ... is nothing easy for a kid (me). That is a slow death for a kid. Extended family having toxic narcissists is unbearable. I am a survivor/living miracle. I was the truth seer/sayer. My sister, a narcissist and addict. My son, M.I.A.; he goes months without a word. I turned myself inside out for him. A warrior bear mother. His son is copying him. I stand alone and moved to the other side of the country. Thank God for giving me the strength.
My childhood became isolated and very lonely around 7 years old when my brother was born and it has never stopped. A teacher reached out to my mom to have a conference to discuss my deep depression at 13yrs old. "My daughter isn't crazy and is not going to a psychologist". When I was 15 I met a group of friends and their families who became a big part of my life. My mom gets together socially with her family (cousins and their children) and I have never ever been invited- I am in my 50's. My wonderful mother in law was a surrogate mother to me for 20 years until her death. She helped me become a good mother by watching her relationships with others. On her deathbed I told her that she was more of a mother to me than my own mother. I cry writing this, please tell the people who matter to you they do and work on those relationships.
Oof, I know what you mean by not being invited to family events. That hasn't happened to me, but my parents have actively discouraged me from forming any relationship with my relatives -- even relatives that they themselves get along with. They'll tell me they're going to the funeral of my cousin X, and that will be the first time I've ever heard of cousin X. The only explanation I can think of is that they believe it's "their" family, not mine...even though I'm their biological child.
I will I promise. Much love.
I am so sorry to hear about the things that happened to you in your life as a child. Iâm happy for you that you had a great mother in law. I did too . Iâm sure she loved you very much.
@@coffeeandcupcakes7310 Thanks for sharing, so sorry your loved one passed too soon. Valuable to know what a significant difference we can make, both for good and for bad, in what might seem an insignificant time.
you were very lucky
My entire life has been peoplebtelling me ' I can't believe you can talk about your dad that way""
Enough said
It's strange how some people will demonize the victim while victimizing the demon at the same time.
Oh yeah, we get the shame from all angles.
I'm so sorry â€ïž
@@MCLV1155 i don't have to imagine đ
My dad loved calling me degrading names like "idiot" and "dummy," among all the other shaming and snapping at me. When I talked about it to adult friends later, one of them was like "Do you think he was joking?" Why otherwise good hearted normal people gaslight like that -- I have read that childhood trauma changes your worldview making you feel that people are unsafe. But to be honest, I am seeing a clear picture that childhood trauma actually *does* make people unsafe. When people minimize my pain or make me feel stupid for things that actually happened that actually wounded me, they are carrying the torch of my abuser! And they are exasperated at my disabilities from my wounds. Most people really do become dangerous. *shrug*
This is biblical prayers for discernment to all who visit here
I had two narcissistic parents. Nowhere to feel safe, always on eggshells and seeing the anger disappointment rage on their faces. I used to blush when I talked to people because I felt so worthless. And now I feel totally down since I have learned what mu mom said to my fiance. I am at a crossroads to cut my ties.
âTreat yourself like you would treat a childâ. Duly noted.
But, like, a child you care about đ
Sarah Meyers exactly. I was wondering how to word thatđ