Raised By a Narcissist | The Signs
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- čas přidán 20. 05. 2024
- Learn more about narcissistic parents here: my.medcircle.com/3Ooe6tl
In this video, Dr. Seth Meyers discusses the signs someone was raised by a narcissist with MedCircle host, Kyle Kittleson.
Topics:
What is narcissism?
What are the central criteria of narcissism?
What does a healthy romantic relationship looks like?
What are the elements of a healthy vs narcissistic relationship?
What are the signs someone was raised by a narcissist?
How does someone act in a romantic relationship that indicates they were raised by one or more narcissistic parents?
How does a narcissistic mother or father impact someone's romantic relationships going forward?
How can supporters help someone who is unknowingly seeking out a romantic relationship with a narcissist?
#Narcissism #MentalHealth #MedCircle #mentalhealthawareness #narcissist #narcissistic
Watch the rest of this exclusive video series on narcissism, personality disorders & relationships HERE: bit.ly/3hjlRiF
Thank you good Dr, for engaged and clear talk! Can a CPTSD mother be a narcissist too? Will a sensitive, intelligent child automatically be one too?
Narcissists may not BE evil, but they can certainly DO evil and cause terrible, maiming harm to innocent victims.
Why do therapists deny one therapy? Why don't psychiatry want to give therapy?
It’s seems difficult for two Narcs to be in a relationship together. Who’s getting narc supply?
@Bartholomew Henry Exactly! I agree and well said!
Malignant Narcissists are a subset of NPD. Having read MScott Peck, and various authors, and with experience, I would call Malignant Narcissists evil. Malignant Narcissists are also called 'emotional vampires' i.e. they specifically set out to confuse you so you doubt yourself with their objective being to control you. They hurt you to feed off your pain, your emotions which builds their Narcissistic Supply. They are paranoid and sadistic. These are the evil ones. Then there are those Malignant Narcissists who have more than 1 Personality Disorder, sometimes several. The worst psychopaths and sociopaths, and the very evil are these people. Sadly for the world today, there is one in the Oval Office right now.
@@PrincessGold1 I agreed with you until your last statement.
A narcissistic parent can drain the energy and enthusiasm out of their children to such a degree that the children will have an inordinate need for solitude.
Amen!!
Yes. I'm pretty introverted.
I need lots of solitude or seem to thrive in it, was not raised that way. Get the struggles of being raised that way.
@@TH-eb5ro Yes, some people enjoy solitude... I think the difference is that some people gravitate *toward* solitude because it makes them happy, whereas others shy *away* from social interaction because it drains the life out of them. The best way I can think of to describe it is that many adult children of narcissists can work long hours at solitary occupations - even very physically or mentally demanding ones - without tiring at all. But just one hour in an unnecessarily competitive work environment - even if the job is otherwise both physically and mentally *undemanding* - can make those same people feel like they've already worked a full week...or longer 😞
So true, it’s so true!
I'm convinced that narcissistic parents create mental patients. These parents literally drive their children insane.
I agree, we all come into the world whole and loving ready to develop who we are. It’s the parents that ruin us first, causing us to see the world as bad and live through that perspective to survive.
Bluntly true...talk about it!
@Anthony Dann I think we have forgotten about this problem, the impact that crazy making parents have on their children.
In the 60-s and 70's, there was a lot of talk about toxic communication, double bind etc. Professionals were aware of these problems and wrote books about them.
What they described was, basically, gaslightning. Dysfunctional parents destroyed their childrens self confidence on a deep level, in order to save themselves and their sanity.
And the possibilites to gaslight your own kids, are endless, I'm sorry to say.
If you grow up with malignant narcissists, you are living in a kind of semi-psychosis, paranoia etc. Of course you can loose it totally when you grow up like this.
These kind of parents cannot offer a sound representation of reality.
Word
Yes .......
I didn't become a narcissist.....I became an empath.....I broke the cycle. Raised my kids with unconditional love and support.....they are amazing and successful. I still am struggling to heal the traumas my parents caused.
Proud of you. Wishing you healing and peace. 💜
@@ca6248 ty God and Goddess bless you 🙏 ✨️
read about codependency, healing too.
I never had kids, but I was a nanny in 2 families and also worked in playgroups and I made a point of being the sort of adult carer a child would want to turn to and be happy to spend time with. I think I did a good job because those kids in both families chose to be more with me than with their parents. The only time they weren't with me was when I went to the loo! The elder boy in the second family would occasionally fake illness so his school would ring me to collect him. He was fine, he just wanted to be with me, something his mum said he never did with previous nannies. I believe someone has to break the chain somewhere or else we all end up basket cases. Looks like you did just that. Well done, you!
wtg! i recently had to remove myself from my dad. it hurt, but i can't allow myself to get hurt by him
plus...a narcissistic parent won't allow the child to form a relationship with a positive, caring adult (out of jealousy and fear of losing control)
This really helped me understand why I didn't have a strong relationship with my other parent when I absolutely wanted one from since. Can remember. TY?!
When I was little, my mom got mad at me because I wrote in my diary that my aunt is nicer to me and she felt like a mother. Instead of talking to me my mom yelled at me an ignored me for weeks.
My mother was jealous of any affection with my father.
I was hesitant to cuddle him as she was always supervising and nearby.
😓
That’s true.
Never was allowed to form relationship with father. I tried talking to him once when I was 14. My N. Mom came in, ignored me, and told my father she'd divorce him if she ever caught him talking to me again. She also did not allow me friends or my siblings. I
Children of narcissists are often hyper vigilant, anxious, perfectionistic.
Yes 🙁
Yup! That was me. A perfectionist who couldn't ever be perfect and that killed my confidence. It would have been great to have been taught that perfect isn't achievable. I was taught mistakes were BAD. Now I know mistakes are an intricate part of learning & living!
Well, you have to watch out for that temper constantly and the conditional love really f's you up.
What's fun is if you have one who is codependent and shielded you from the narcissist, so you also feel you need to take care of other people's self esteem.
Especially if they're both in clinical practice. So they have all the answers. And one dismisses and love bombs and criticizes and the other clinnnngggs. But then you start trying to heal and express boundaries and anger and that parent also dismisses.
Vent. It's a sad when you realize it's never going to work. If they realize for a second, they feel so much self pity its suddenly all about them. It's sad when people feel so out of control they have to control others. It's sad when you see them suffering but you have to get away, because there's love there, but you can't love yourself around them (unless it's a love bomb time!)
So yea, if anyone ever wonders "did I deserve that?" the answer if you have suffered, especially as a kid, is always no. Hope I just saved you $ for therapy. But also, get therapy. Just be careful of all the narcissists in mental health. It's a bit of an epidemic :P
Yes they say NArcs care about their looks!!! Sometimes mad with my case the guy was good...you know that covert narc that is different form all the other guys! You fall in love with this amazing prince! Yep! All lies! Left me for a child he watched grow up and she is of age now. I was sick and he discarded like they normally do. Yet he bonded with my parents after my brother died. They are sick! Run!
Yes, on point
It's even worse when you come from a culture that tells you that confronting your elders is disrespectful. The guilt trips & gaslighting are rolled into one.
@Jessica I'm sorry you had to deal with that. My mom has told my husband that he should hit me for acting up. Of course she'll deny ever saying it but it happened. We had a nasty encounter three weeks ago were she denied she said that she wanted nothing to do with me. It's very painful having mothers like this. Just know you're not alone.
Yesss!! Hispanic & Catholic here.
My mom basically'd be like, don't talk back! Just say you're sorry & show remorse for ____! (Even when I wasn't to blame) Which I'd do, to keep the peace. Of course later on there'd be the, I'm still trying to get over the time you ____! 🙄 yay the gift that keeps on giving.
Always guilty until proven innocent. And I was rarely allowed to prove my innocence. If I did manage to defend myself/clear my name, it didn't always take. 🤦🏻♀️ Time would pass and she'd be back to her version of events.
It's no wonder I began lying. It was, well not easier, but less stressful.
I speak up no matter how old or how young. Thats something I value in myself that I will always be able to be transparent no matter intimidation
@@tigerofwu I had a man who doesn’t have ANY real relationships/love at all tell him the same thing. I am sadly adopted into that way of thinking as well. My new b.f.s family doesn’t say anything when he has hit me. I can’t believe it. And then like with my first boyfriend I felt bad because his childhood wasn’t perfect (remember that didn’t mean bad he would tell me it was but honestly idt he was mistreated if he just empathized with his grandma and other ppl struggling he’d have realized they did everything for him unless he concealed some crazy secret) the new one his brother is just as crazy was with his girlfriend then tried to smack my ass then slapped his girlfriend) like these people are nuts and loose or lack compassion and ppl need to stop them. I used to care a lot about ppl who were z given the best in life but my b/f before the first one used to force me to take drugs and wasn’t very compassionate either and he actually was the one with the nice house but had actually been raped but he raped people too lol like NO stop having compassion! Start fighting and stop letting ppl feed you the bullshit that they had it tough and can’t help themselves. They are ppl who do the things they do for power or profit and some might be being abused in the process but then they need to find help NOT Continue to treat people like scum.
Not to mention the Honor Your Mother and Father one. (Narcissists are incapable of taking constructive criticism, they think you're attacking them and therefore disrespecting them.)
“The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents.” -Carl Jung
I know that “I absolutely love Carl Jung. How incredibly true!
That is so awful
I remember as a young man going to friends houses and being genuinely confused by the lack of tension: I though all parents screamed at each other and tore each other down on a regular basis. It sort of made me uncomfortable being around others families that were more secure, like there was something wrong with the peace and love I was seeing from the outside
Nailed it.
Omg, I'm always shocked when I see normal family members interacting.
I can relate to that!
Absolutely. The VIBE at my friends’ homes was such a relief! Also, they usually didn’t want to come around our place because of my old man. Narcissistic rage if you didn’t do what he expected.
I remember going to my grandparents house or my cousins houses. They weren't like insanely happy or anything. Just normal disagreements or siblings picking on each other but there wasn't the same tension. Even in my aunts house where she'd been divorced and her kids were struggling a bit. My narc mom was always talking about how mean they'd been to her and how they say all kinds of terrible things about her behind her back and I never believed it because I could sense that my cousins were secure and loved and I was not, at least by my mother. I realize now she tried to turn me against anyone normal so I wouldn't see her crazy...
I didn’t know until I realized that my adult friends who’s doing well were raised differently. Sometimes when I see a loving family, I suddenly feel emotional and lonely.
same fortunately my father's aunt and cousin stepped in to be my motherly figures but I can't help but think mbn to have a good mother whenever my friends mention theirs.
I feel like this all the time. Nothing I do is ever good enough. My parents never say they are proud of my accomplishments. I see my friends families bend over backwards for them, invite them to dinners and want to spend quality time with them. I haven't ever experienced any of this.
@@brittanyday8439 me either love. It really is a continuous, seemingly neverending, heartbreak.
Me too. Until I found the love of Jesus , I hurt so bad and I felt like I never belonged anywhere. I still have to run to find a place to pray when the feeling smashes into me unexpectedly. Talking to God is my only relief and after that I feel strong enough to talk to others and which builds me up more.
I recognized this as well. I have been dealing with my emotional eating and noticed when I even see a dad treating his son well on tv I become agitated and uncomfortable and eat because it's a difficult thing to see. It's like I feel sad and.bad all at once.
Don’t forget, narcissistic parents expect their children to tow the line, be the good one, meet high expectations...... and they also get jealous of said child, when the child does well.
I lived out this truth. Ty!
That’s the most messed up thing! Undermining and sabotaging the child so they won’t be more successful than the parent. Sick!
@@tbpmermaid my business became more successful than my mother's. Her jealousy drove her to conspire with my 4 jealous brothers and ruin it all...
🙋♀️ right here!!!!!!!!
@@johnfroelich8554 sorry you had to go through that. I hope your life is going well. I get it. I've always said, I don't have a mother and 3 sisters, I have 4 mothers.
You cannot address feelings with a narcissistic parent, you will be told to just "get over it". That's what my mother would say when I would try and talk about my less than stellar childhood!
"why are you living in the past?" "why do you wanna bring that up, you are always looking for a fight" ...............yeah pls gaslight the shit out of me
When parents fail their kids, its sinful! God said in His Word, the scriptures , that failing one's kids is sinful, and He said its no different than those ancient people who threw their children into the fire. He hates that. People who fail their kids are not going to like how it ends for them.
Narcissists are EVIL!.
so true, with narcissist parents there is no space for expressing how you feel. everytime it’s “you just need to get over it” then they’ll threaten to hurt you ? like what kind of parenting is that 😂
My mother would always say "oh you can't be scared of me, otherwise you wouldn't act like the way you do" and she loves guilt tripping me when we fight and I tell her she's acting out.
I always thought the neighbors, while I was growing up, were just being nice taking me on trips with their kids or inviting me along to visit grandparents. I now realize they invited me along because they saw and heard how screwed up my parents were. My mom was a screamer and could be very verbally abusive. The neighbors tried to give me some source of normality.
Yes, me too. Our neighbors could see how little affection was between my mom and me. I would go to any house to hang out and it would be better.
Bless them for caring, and reaching out for you 🙏🏽
That is so nice of them that they did that without you noticing why when you were young. I was always jealous of families like that❤
Thank You Neighbors!
💚💚💚
You are lucky
I've heard a quote saying, "those who have narcissistic parents won't stop loving the parents they stop loving themselves" that hit me so hard
Awfully true 😢
I personally stoped loving both, my narcissistic mother and myself equally, but in the case of my mother, only when as nearly an adult, I figured out who she really was; when I started thinking what would I do as a parent myself, and realized she was the perfect bad example.
For me my mother stopped being a mother when I was 9 - 11 years old, its gradual. She's still my "mother" physically but some essential connection died when I was young and I look at her and feel nothing towards her other than disgust. But, when I am in her physical company my self worth drops through the floor. When I get away from her it pops back up eventually.
It's awful, I wish I could control it.
@@Xhxifkfy4748 Healing and educating ourselves will affect future generations for the better. Healing begins with honest appraisals not fantastical re-framing of what occurred.
@@Xhxifkfy4748 I agree that there are people who finger point and lack a significant amount of self-awareness and responsibility..however, life is never that black & white. If you have studied the 12 steps then you know that good people do bad things sometimes and vice versa. It is possible to take responsibility for one’s own behavior while also acknowledging unhealthy dynamics you experienced as a child. That isn’t succumbing to victim culture or attaching on to a buzz word so you don’t have to face your faults…unfortunately, it’s just a response to the gray areas of life that affect us all.
I also feel like narcissistic parents raise children who end up being very empathetic and sensitive.
Jordaine so true
The scapegoat..especially
@@awisnow8613 thank you
Very true!!
Yes!!! 👊
this is my husbands mother in a nutshell. the only way to deal with a narcissist is to NOT deal with them at all. they just aren't worth it.
Amen to that. I am currently living with my 66 year old narcissistic mother. Her husband died from CoVid and he was always her puppet. Now I'm the puppet and re-living my childhood all over. Wish I had kept the No Contact decision going. It was a huge mistake getting back into this swamp called narcissism.
I like hearing that. Thankyou.
@@adrunkgorillawithalobotomy353 get OUT!!! no good will come of this for you. save yourself. she is beyond saving. whatever she says or does to keep her slave is a manipulation. narcissists don't have relationships-they have victims. and they don't love like the rest of us do. your value to them is in direct relation to what they can get out of you. they really don't care about you. you will live with the scars of that dynamic the rest of your life. but you sure as hell don't have to continue living with your abuser. if she needs help to live her life, then put her in a nursing home and BLOCK her. you had the right idea in the first place. you owe her NOTHING. repeat that to yourself like a mantra!
No contact is way important! We are not therapist specializing in Narcissism. If you are on the one down position having compassion especially with a vulnerable narcissist is an endless loop of crap that never stops.
Sorry but when its a parent that is akin to saying that a dead parent is preferable to a flawed one that is at least somewhat accessible. For better or worse you can trust your parents in a way that you can't trust anyone else. Yeah it sucks when they break you but it doesn't change the reality that the world is a cold place and nobody out there is invested in you. Nobody wants to see you happy or will fight for you. Nobody will see your success as a positive thing. A narsissistic parent raising you may not be perfect but it's better than having no parent and being preyed on by the whole world from a very young age.
My parents are not perfect but i am still happy that they are alive. I understand that they are narsissists and dangerous but i still like the fact that they are alive and available for me to make my self vulnerable to. Because the only other person would be a therapist and they definitely don't give a fuck about you as a person. Many therapists openly wish they had enough money to not have to do their work.
My parents were so quick to put me on ADD meds and anti-depressants as a teenager when I was having problems in school due to truancy. Not once did they ever question how their own dysfunctional, abusive behavior was affecting their children. I didn't need medication. I needed a healthy home.
Yep. I always wondered why the medication and psych hospitals didn’t work. I started to believe that I was actually crazy. I often still do. I keep fucking up without even realizing because I question my own common sense.
Same, mood stabilizers at 6 cause of my anger issues, but what my parents never told doctors was the fact my dad has BPD and my mum seemed to lack any maternal instincts, when you have parents that don't want to talk to you you're going to be angry, don't get me wrong I had my problems but all I did was get punished rather than encouraged to be better.
During the abuse I was told, "What could you possibly have to depressed about?' Grow up baby.
@@darylkik6204 so sorry you lived through that too.
This resonates. Thank you for sharing ❤it helps others like me
Important sign: you watch every “signs you’ve been raised by a narcissist” video on youtube.
HAHAHAHA
that is a sign
@rmiddlehouse Does it mean, it's the narcissistic community writing the comments on this section?
rmiddlehouse lol made me laugh heartily
@@florafauna5883 narcs breed narcs...
There are barely any "normal" ppl left on the planet anymore...
@@kathyinwonderlandl.a.8934 Me too!
DONT ADDRESS THE PARENT! doees not go well.. becomes "how dare you after everything I've ever done for you that never happened you're a liar"
That's been my experience. I gave up. Doing much better now.
😢
Lmaooo my life rn
In my case, any attempt to talk about things my mother had done to us would be met with her cutting me off and telling me how much worse SHE had it growing up.
Sums it up!
I’m Asian and I grew up with hugely narcissistic parents. Parents who failed to realise that I was an individual with my own thoughts, feelings and opinions. It was all about them, I couldn’t make any decision without it somehow relating to them, I felt so dismissed, I knew I was just a vanity project for them. The toxic upbringing nearly destroyed me but thankfully I had supportive friends who would always listen and take a genuine interest in me, so I could always express myself to them. I would urge anyone with parents like this to move away as soon as you’re financially able to do so.
You're so blessed to have great friends like that. I still live in the family home and endure abuse from sociopathic mother and narc oldest brother. My middle brother and dad are succumbed and closed off because of ma and oldest bro. I also have a dog which they always pick on and cannot be trusted to leave with my family. It is so tough. Most landlords are not pet-friendly and I don't want to give her away. My dog, she is my best and only friend, I cannot do that. How does one girl in her 20s move away with her dog during this economic situation...
@@amethyst6386 I feel you. I’m dealing with a narcissistic mom that loves to kick me out. I get so much anxiety being around her. And I can’t afford to move out. It feels like the situation will never end and I’m in a black hole. This economy is horrible and hopefully doesn’t get worse . I pray for you and your pup to get out !
This is exactly what i'm doing with my best friend since a decade ago.
I kept her far from her family however i could while encouraging therapy and reassuring her that the problem was her father and the toxic environment she grew up in, not her as a person.
She's an amazing human being, really smart, sensible, emphatetic, funny, talented, loyal and so on.
She just needed someone to validate her feelings and help her getting out of that crap.
I'm so proud of her. AND i'm proud of you!
I always felt like the narcissistic parenting was a whole new story in this culture. Not only does the tradition ENCOURAGE authoritarian parenting, it also wants you to strategically show love (when your child does well in whatever). As a girl, I once hung out with a male friend in our asian church. My mom scolded me back on the car cause I was making her look bad (like a cheap girl).
And then I remember once my brother was misbehaving with me, and my mom straight up whispered me to show more attention to my sister so my brother would get jealous and be more upright. This must have been what she did with us. When said so directly, I was surprised at the competitive environment they wanted to build with their children. As if we weren't humans, and would one day be living on our own. They must not acknowledge that their parenting does have an effect on the children, which is ironic because in asian culture we always relate a child's behaviour to their upbringing (namely how good (strict) their parents were).
Honestly my siblings are still not adults, so there is room to change. But my dad is the even bigger narcissist in the family (hell, I don't even consider my mother that much of a narsissist) and my little brother is brushing off of him. The pride, ego, self-importance, lack of empathy, competiveness, etc. But you can see the lack of confidence in all of my siblings, including me.
Same here. Lemme hug you🤗
I didn't become a narcissist. I became even more of an empath. But I also became even more codependent. I always try to save other people even if I can't save myself.
equal but different
seeking cooperation not competition
Not an empath. It's called borderline personality disorder
Yes, it's borderline personality disorder. Empath is NOT a psychological condition.
Empathic disorder is a medical usually associated with personality conditions like BPD, Borderline personality disorder is childhood complex PTSD and causes this feeling of being an "empath" when really it is hyperfixing on others you think might hurt you.
@user-hu6lr3vr7g hyper empathy is from trauama. Its a super power at times but it came with a cost and being hyper empathetic can sometimes be draining. Its not bpd because thats way too specific and can be caused by tauma without having bpd
I have literally written down hurtful stuff my mom has said in front of her while she was saying it, showed it to her immediately and said "this is what you just said to me" and she would immediately deny it, despite me writing it down while she said it. Inability to own up to anything or ever admit fault. Very strange
Ya! They never said that, eared that often! For the men, it's nerver their fault, always others faults. So, in their mind, they don't have to "ajust", to change or to say they're sorry!
I hate it when that happens!
Bc of many conversations with friends I came to the realisation a year or 2 ago that my mother is actually an adult and that I, as her daughter, am far from responsible for her behavior- even tho she told me that me and my sisters have much to do in the pain she has today
But yet! When I had my girlfriend at the time when I still lived full-time with my mother, I tend to record her while she was giving us a speech and send those to my gf. She would then say it was disgusting how mother us treated...
But overall, I don't think they will ever own up to their behavior, sadly...
I wish you the best of luck!
Then she'll just move to the next line of The Narcissist's Prayer;
"That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it."
at least, that's what my mother did when I presented video and audio recordings! And they're all pretty much the same kind of cracked
@@bexnewt Omg that is so accurate! It really sucks that they act so childish... I hope you are alright and that you are in a safe place full of love, and if nit, then I hope you'll be there as soon as possible ^^
@@kimberlyceulemans6015 Aw, thank you! All the best to you as well :)
The problem is that no one believes the children of a narcissist. I told many people, but no one ever believed me.
Yes so true ,sometimes speaking puts you in more danger !
ME TOO!!! Not even my best friend!! Everyone sees my parents as saints and pinicles of the community
Narcissists seem to be masters of the preemptive excuse. They know a child will call them out so they wage a campaign of disinformation within their own family to discredit that child before they can ever speak. Happened to me. Its sick and twisted to use family that way but thats what they are: users. Unfortunately patience is the answer. Sooner or later they tend to come off the rails and get exposed. That also happened for me recently and it actually set me back, so be prepared for that. I didnt see that coming.
I used to warn my friends about my stepmom...then they would meet her and she would act so fun and nice. She was only ugly when there was no one else around.
@@pudgeboyardee32 Thanks for the warning. This definitely hasn't happened yet.
I remember my narcissist mother telling me she has never apologized to anyone in her life and that she has never done anything she needed to apologize for….she was in her 70’s or 80’s.
Just. Wow.
My mother stated the same thing. Verbatim.
My father exactly the same thing. It is baffling. The other day he bumped into my mum and, instead of saying sorry, he started shouting she was in the wrong place.
I used to be so hard on myself. I have cried myself to sleep, “why doesn’t mom love me,?” “Why doesn’t my husband love me”? I decided I would love me! Went no contact.
Well done I’m reading this message from a year ago . I hope life is treating you well now and your healing and happy I have a narc mother I hear you ❤
🎉
Having children was never an option for me. I couldn't bear the thought that I may destroy another human in the way that I had been. I just couldn't risk it.
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i used to think like that too. Also if you were never allowed to be a child or have a normal childhood, you may want more freedom as less responsibilities as an adult to have the fun you never had as a child. A lot of us had to be the adults in the family, even as children.
I kept my kids well away from my mother. My sisters allowed her to babysit their kids but I never did.
I knew at 8 years old that I didn’t want children for the exact same reason you stated.
Probably because you think like that you are sensitive and you would do a great job as a parent. But yes it shows you had narcisitic parents or one of them at least. Thats doesnt mean you would do the same.
There is usually a golden child and a scapegoat in these families.
So true!
Yes, my sister was the golden child, I was never good enough
It carries over into grandchildren. Playing favorites
Nikki Gravley I know that only too well. My mother has limited contact with my children for many reasons, but that’s one of them.
I was the golden child and it SUCKS.
Yes! Relationships are supposed to build us up NOT tear us down. 💗
That's a very narcissistic statement! Relationships have ups and downs, can build us up or take us down. We are humans with empathy and a sense of responsibility. Relationship is not a career or a gym in which we look for constant build up. Your statement completely undermines the concepts like devotion and dedication.
@@jeffmorrison2915 Of course we have ups and downs, thats a given. Healthy individuals work through those and are stronger for it, thus the experience is a growth experience and ultimately a positive one that builds character.
That statement is a quote from the end of the video brother
I know when someone is crazy. They start to make me crazy. And no one is crazier than the narcissist. Don't let them make you crazy.
"Narcissism means no self awareness, no accountability"
Did you meet my father???? (Joking/not joking 😁)
@@emilyfarris563 My mom is, too. I saw it as so common that I actually dated a Cluster B woman for two years. It wasn't until I dumped her and endured her smear campaign that I began reading about Cluster B, and now I recognize my mom is that way, too.
After my mother died, when I was 40, my narc father remarried and is now showing the WORST parts of his narcissistic self. He cannot be accountable for himself at all. It's incredibly sad. He has no awareness, and he bullies and abuses people in his life. He has very little contact with people he used to be very close with. HIs wife has BPD, and is a narcissist, as well. I have had to cut them both out of my life.
Lol I was just gonna say something like this 😂
Last Christmas I experienced rage from an in-law. Scared me. Confused. He caused doubt. And I was so flustered at his lack of dignity towards me, that I pointed at him with my phone. He claims I got him.
It’s really bad when your mother is a narcissist who portrays herself as a victim. Everything you accomplish, sees it as her own shine. “Look at what my child has done. Aren’t I great to have created such a person. Look at me!”
Mood. Mine is exactly like that.
“You are so beautiful as me.”
“You look like me, that’s why you’re beautiful.”
@@arielle7869 many have said my mother was jealous of me. Simply crazy to me!
@@cute4real846 They are jealous. They wish they could have our empathy and our pure beauty.
This is what I literally heard on my way home today after doing performances at school. When teachers complimented me to my mom all the way home she just said "I raised you well so you could become like this. You must be thankful. Without me, you wouldn't have been a single thing." It's just sickening to live with
"I'm so sorry I just wasn't a good enough mother to you."
My mom's favorite line.
It's the lack of real emotion behind it when they say it that makes it so awful. If someone was really torn to bits, was really sincerely apologizing for where they have lacked, it would be a whole different thing. Sorry you find yourself here too Mr. Orange.
💯
I believe my dad was a narcissist. I developed low self-esteem, no self-worth, mental blocks that kept me from finishing college (my narcissist father thought a college education was IT). I had no boundaries, and grew up depressed, hating myself and suicidal. Dad even disowned me because I chose to become a different political party than his.
Good riddance to bad rubbish. Forget your father and his lies and live your best life.
They are mentaly ill..Im going trough the same..its hard to see the truth and be always clearminded
Wow thank you so much for this comment. It’s an extremely helpful one bc it resonates ❤ but I needed to read it to know
Is he a demoncrat like my narcissistic father? That would explain it. Democrats are the most self righteous people I’ve ever met.
Sounds like our fathers taught each other how to ruin a kids life while looking like a God. I am 53 and had no clue about any of this until a few years ago. Trust me I didn't ask or try to find out. I just thought he was a asshole. Sad that a girl I dated at 13 saw what he was and waited her turn for over 30 years. She called every few years at Christmas but I was happily married and then came divorce and moving back to my home state. It was perfect or so I thought, this was why it never worked out in my last marriage. You know the rest and that opened up my whole life as a scapegoat and I learned what a Covert and Overt Narc was. Damn them because I still believed good existed, love existed but was hard to find. Why open my eyes now that I am 53. Dad the narc is dead. (great day as the world of God suffered, I rejoiced at both of his funerals and I do not care which so and so saw me. Then my sister took over terrorizing my mother, brother and I . 1600 pages I typed out learning about narcs, my life, family, past, future and I had to get it all down so I could try to forget. It will not go away nor has the truth proven anything for me. But lies that make no sense are just fine with family. Thanks I have no one to vent to and your comment got to me.
A narcissist would never go to therapy. They would never admit they need to change anything. My mother made me feel like crap my entire life. But my being upset was never considered to be a sign of a problem with her. It was me being ‘oversensitive’.
Alternatively, they often go to therapists who confirm their own beliefs.
My mother took me to a therapist. The therapist told her that she was a narcissistic personality and she was hurting me. She stormed out and never went back. She spent years blaming me and making herself a victim.
OMG. This is exactly me. As if I write this post!
Oh yeah. She always finds a way to get angry with me. If my feelings are hurt, she gets mad at me. What have I got to be sad about? How dare I ruin her day this way.
@@sabeaniebaby My mother never once said "I love you " until I was 54. Her favorite was "I just hate you " and she berated me if I cried as a child when she said that
"Aren't relationships supposed to be sources of comfort, not stress?" Thank you.
not for those who fear being alone more than death...
That’s what I always say. The world can be a crazy place. Home should be your oasis.
Yes
In an ideal world, all relationships would be. But here on earth, it’s a pipe dream.
Wow! Are they ? 😆 never knew 😄😄😄 Im yet to experience that
Oh my goodness, this describes me exactly as being born to a narcissistic mother. I have tried to unravel and sort myself out by being with more giving and loving people as an adult, but it certainly leaves a long term inner battle to think you are a person worthy of respect. I brought my own children up exactly the opposite of how my mother did, and my children as now adults, are very close to me and to each other. So something went right!
❤❤❤🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Same. My mom was so judgemental and dismissive of anything that didn't fit in her box. She has never taken any ownership of it.
I make a huge effort to be different with my kids. It's ok to be imperfect in our house
I’m so proud of you!!
God bless you for breaking that abusive cycle🙌
what does very close to me and each other look like? I have never experienced it
"Someone taught them that in close, interpersonal relationships there is something called 'power.'" really hit home for me as well as the part about parental authority being different from power meaning that we have a responsibility of setting aside our own feelings for our children. 👏 Thank you. Those statements encompass why I'm choosing to go to therapy to make sure the generational trauma stops with me. My daughter deserves a healed mom.
I agree about having the sense to edit some feelings. I had foot injury ( icy sidewalk event). Its not about feelings...its about pain. Night in ER..not much sleep. My son arrived from ex husband's. I was weary yet made dinner...visited son ...attending to him ... The need to sit...take medicine was met with anger...belittling. It's fair to ask for some patience. My son freaked bc I was dizzy. He wanted to tell me about movie( could he sit with Me in a cpl minutes and do that?) He called his dad...I am this and that..his feelings hurt! If someone is injured..its right to allow them to tend to that. Ex made me feel So bad...whatever abt ER, doing good when dizzy. The demand was to apologize for being selfish.
I can't promise Not being injured...needing some consideration. The ex and I were very good at 1st aid. I wasn't abusing son. His angry words ...I don't do anything right. I Said he could put the food back.
All the best to you x
God and Divine Mother blessings 🙌 🙏 ✨️
and when u try to confront them or communicate ur feelings to them about how they’ve hurt you or caused you any traumas... all of a sudden ur ungrateful and it turns into them being the victim and unappreciated for the things they’ve done for you as a parent.
this video resonated
100%
A narcissist cannot validate or care about anyone's elses emotions or trauma except thier own. I have recently found out the hard way. You cannot talk to them about any damage they caused.
I make foreskin restoration equipment. My family has all but disowned me. I’m thinking it’s better to know upfront who I’m dealing with and act accordingly.
Woah, this sounds exactly like my parents
At 14, I told my mother I felt like she didn’t love me. She cried and went on and on about how my older brother didn’t love her. She KNEW I loved her. Therefore she didn’t need to do anything for me, because I already loved her. She needed to do more for my brother to make him love her. The whole time I was thinking “something’s wrong here!” But I didn’t have the sophistication to parse it out at the time. I’ve thought about that conversation a lot over the years. In my 20’s I figured it out. She never once told me she loved me at any point in that conversation! It was all about her and her pain. In my 30’s I moved back to my hometown. That’s when I realized I was dealing with major psychiatric issues with her. It was difficulty watch more than the first minutes of this video. She’s gotten so much worse over the years. I can’t deal with her at all anymore.
Omg so true
A narc will NEVER say to themselves, "Maybe I am a narcissist." EVER.
They see themselves as perfect and superior in every way to ever admit to flaws.
You are correct. This "expert" is an idiot. A real narcissist doesn't self reflect. EVER. Unless they fear losing their supply.
Agreed
@@Tshanholtz1991 You will NEVER parent like your mother. Her example, and your love of your children, will lead you to do the opposite of what she did. I have 3 daughters and they're wonderful! Just wish I'd kept them from her.
Well that's good to know because I've asked myself that when I found out that I had been raised by a narcissist. Come to find out I have more of the borderline personality disorder I reject people I have no long-term relationships because I would rather reject them before they reject me I don't feel worthy that's part of the narcissism that was put upon me. Anyway I have asked myself or thought that possibly I would have narcissistic behavior from being raised by a narcissist but I was the one child that she put all of her blame on to all the other children were taught to hate me because I was the bad one. Moving on
My daughter is the one who brought my mom's abuse to my attention. I was so deep in the trauma bond that I refused to admit it at first. All of these videos have helped me so much. Both of my parents suffer from these traits. It's been a long hard road.
That's exactly what i did for my mom, regarding her brother.
I was the one to expose him and i didn't back down, even when he purposely targeted me and each time it was worse.
Sometimes we need others to point out traumas and such, and that's okay. It's good to have people recognize it and help us.
Wish you the best of luck!
@@golden_leader9227 💯 you said a mouthful. Good luck to you as well!
Same to me... My mother abused me emotionally and my own children and my strong emotions and why they trigger me so much brought this and my ACEs to the surface...
Same. My son was the one who said to me, after a phone call from my mother which he overheard. He said, "Mom, you know Grandma is manipulating you, right?" He was 13........ He could see what I couldn't see. It broke my heart. My mother was competing with my KIDS (HER GRANDKIDS) for attention and my finances. I also realized there were things she modeled for me that I was using in my parenting. Oh..... I SHUT THAT DOWN. When my narcissistic mother refused to let me talk to my dad the night before he died.... all because I wouldn't give her control over MY bank account.... LOL! I shut that bitch down. We've been no contact. My kids are happier, my husband's happier, and my finances have improved immensely. It's never too soon to go no-contact.
Oh, and as far as whether or not a narcissistic parent is an "evil person." I disagree with the men in this video, in the case of my mother. After my dad died, I learned all the sociopathic things she's done to hurt other people besides myself. No one made her do those things. Just because you have a traumatic childhood, doesn't mean you have to CHOOSE to hurt people. I had a traumatic childhood, and I did not steal money from people, alienate relatives, badmouth everyone in the family.... oh... no... it was a choice she made. My mother is a sociopath.
Having a narcissistic sister is no picnic either. Chaos in the family was a constant
My sister is trying to ruin my marriage and pregnancy experience along with narc mom and dad I have to go no contact again I am so angry they cause me stress during my pregnancy harming my baby but it was my mistake to think they changed
@@Hy-yn1cc run. Full no contact. You owe it to your kid.
You almost never have two narcissistic parents. A narcissist hardly wants competition. They are drawn to people they can manipulate and have power over.
Totally true except for one exception. It seems like narcs will marry an unstable borderline personality disordered partner if that partner has resources or a sexy body to contribute. The borderline disordered seems to be acceptable even though the narcs prefer the self sacrificing codependent empaths.
They seem to attract borderline personality
Actually they do if one is covert and the other is the classic narcissist type. It's funny how they fit each other in a disfuncional way.
@@vivianevenancio6502 this!!
That's only true to an extent. Sometimes one narcissistic parent can turn the other into a narcissist as well, ESPECIALLY after a divorce. My dad turned my mother into one during their marriage, or at least he brought it out of her to the surface.
“ Be the parent that you desperately needed as a child ” - I live by this quote since I unfortunately have narcissistic parents....
I did that and my parents were always telling me that I was spoiling my children way too much, with that condescending tone they have used all their lives. I am 48years old now, my kids are 23 and 19 and my husband, my protector, passed away three years ago and since than my parents behaviour has gotten out of control and I have been to weak to stand up to them or run away from them (which I have done my entire life). So now I am at a point where I need to see a psychologist 4 times a week and follow a program with other patients 5 hours a day . I feel so broken and useless that I can hardly function. And I have no idea how to stop them . Therapy should teach me that,hopefully.
I cud NEVER EVER treat any one let alone an innocent child LET ALONE MY OWN innocent child the way I was treated! Fancy jollies and material things aside I was emotionally manipulated and abused phisically and emotionally:(
@@aleksandraitaliaander8974 I had to move back in with my parents last year because of the fallout from the lockdowns. 26 years of almost no contact and now I've been with them just over a year, nearly completely alone.
My mother is the extreme end of NPD, my father is the loyal enabler/ emotional abuser at her side. They had 5 children, we all suffered in varying degrees but I was the scapegoat till I got out at 15, the violence and sadistic brutality was directed just at me.... They have been together 51 years now and are just as toxic.
I have realised today I feel like I'm rotting from my inside out. As hard as I fight it if I'm near them, and I am all the time, their toxicity is suffocating.
I hope you find away to get away without it hurting you. It's incredibly hard to get away.
I did everything the opposite of my family w/my child
That’s a healing force. Beautiful
I think there is also emotionally immaturity that looks an awful lot like Narcissim and results in similar issues, traits and behaviors.
Narcissists are usually emotionally immature.
I love that the man being interviewed genuinely empathizes with narcissists. Hes never hateful or bitter. Perhaps he's smart enough to know one can never reach a person that way anyhow. The whole concept of whats going on with these people and those in their life is heartbreaking. Its a cycle of pain. Too many talk on this subject and spend the majority of their time being disparaging and almost dehumanizing rather than educating with understanding. Hearing someone speak from a place of concern is refreshing.
Yes. This video was good. I always thought something happened to my mother to hurt her so much. She likes to keep secrets though. She would never admit to anything less than perfect happening. I knew my grandparents, they weren't narcs. I had also though that my mother was born wired as a narc. Video seems to suggest it is developed. Hmmmm
Yes, this is arguably the best video on the topic that I have watched.
Personally I feel like if people can afford it we should all go therapy before having kids 😭
I pray about it, guess thats the same thing :)
Read this book about self-parenting. I read this book by Stephanie Kahl in German. Not sure if there is an english version. But you can look up for similar books on the topic.
Chocolate & Churros thank you
So they can be fixed? It would be 20 years before they only got halfway through the process
EDMR therapy is going to be so bomb
A narcissist doesn't go to therapy because they want to fix themselves, they go because they want to fix YOU.
Boom 💥
They actually don't go because they know their cleverness will come out and somebody will see their side. They have no awareness because they have no feelings or better dry feelings
👍👍👍
OMG
This reminds me of how my Narc monster forced her kids into counseling.
And these "counselors" believed every lie she told.
The counselor would then scold us for not being better minions of the the narcissistic mother.
Can you imagine being told that you're not doing enough for a Narcissist?
By a "professional"?
By the way, a "counseling" degree isn't a real degree if you can't see abuse for what it is.
Or they take you to therapy and try to convince the therapist that you're depressed
My mum was so happy when my brother at 40 was diagnosed with bipolar, she told the world about it. Now I have knowledge I can see it gave the reason why he failed at school, ran away, had fights, stole, prison and so on. It validated it all.
How sick, how sad
He recently grew magic mushrooms to self medicate his mental health and she personally told me she is so proud of him, like he was a medical professor or something. This gave her validation that her brain washing him to think he is ill has gone to another level , she had succeeded and got away with her abuse. He believes he is ill. The medication didn’t work cos he doesn’t have bipolar
I fully get this. It’s instant vindication for the Narc parent. I’ve seen it, and it’s sick. If it comes down to the Narc parent or the child, the Narc parent will always sacrifice the child.
Maybe the mushrooms helped a bit.
It’s import to realize vit D is needed to keep the problems away.
Vit D, cod liver oil are key if you have any diagnosis of autoimmune challenges.
czcams.com/video/fDBZM1n_uDE/video.html Dr. Berg
Personally I’ve taken 52 k iUs for one week. Night and day difference.
I’ve had ms for 24 yrs. it’s not easy.
Make sure fluid intake isup.
If high supplement doses taken over several months.
Over dose symptoms might arise.
Usually daily doses 60 iUs for several months can lead to overdosing effects. Watch for nausea, vomiting which are some of the first signs of overdosing.
If your brother is not bi-polar why was diagnosed with it? This doesn't make much sense...
@Marisa Martin ... is this a joke? Doctors aren't wizards, they don't magically know what your health problems are. All they can do is make an educated guess and hope for the best, so obviously they'll regularly turn out to be mistaken. This is why people always advise to go to multiple doctors and why the expression "getting a decond opinion" exists. Diagnoses are opinions, not magically divined ultimate truths, lmao
One observation I've made is that in these types of families whenever they tried to scapegoat a family member is mentally ill really what they're doing is like especially when they're a child the child is simply responding to the mental illness of the adults
when I told my mother I was done with life her first reaction was that she could not be blamed about it, I am still flabergasted thinking back
Another response for children raised by a narcissist is to push out everyone for fear of being discarded again.
YES i do this
I have a very hard time "keeping up" with people even when I want to I can't sometimes since the anxiety takes over
Yes, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Thank you. I agree
Damn
I think one of the hallmarks of a narcissistic parent is that they always appropriate your accomplishments. They are the ones who are always praising you in front of others but undermining you behind the scenes. You are never seen as a full person, always as an extension of their world, a player in their drama.
My father never appropriated my accomplishments, he simply negated them with criticism equating to how I had failed at whatever it was I did.
wow this comment is my grandma to a TEE!!!!!!! I was raised from a teenager on by her and my grandpa. MY mom left me and I haven't seen her in 15 years but now as an adult and what my grandma has done to my physiologically I can understand why she was the way she was and took off. She constantly dissects me as a human and never acknowledges my achievements or as soon as I tell her about something she compares it to something someone else she knows who did it better or had It worse. Then when I bump in to their friends and they say how proud of me she is its so hard and awkward to try and wrap my head around it. Thanks for this comment
True
Exactly
@@alkismith4577 My father told me that I was a "0" and that I'd never amount to anything. It hurt at the time, but later I thought ok... so continue to support the idiot.
“The overachiever who thinks if I accomplish this, that, and the other, I’ll be good enough.”
So so true!
Also the part about behaving narcissistically later in life in romantic relationships, but knowing with everything in you that you don’t want to be like the person who raised you …. Really hits home.
I am finding that awareness is key. Thank you for taking the time to create videos to help us navigate this journey.
yes awareness is key. also feeling like i am never enough thanks to...
Im slowly becoming convinced that im just like her, im destroying my life, being abusive in relationships, I cannot fucking stand myself, I've convinced myself im a covert narcissist whether that's true or not I don't know but I just watch myself ruin everyone and everything in my life and can't stop. I want this to be over.
@@Serpentdipitus3620 You can stop Willow. Awareness is the first step to your journey. It will be hard. It's taken me two years to evolve into a life a love, and I'm not perfect, but it is possible. You can do it :) And it's not your fault.
@@Serpentdipitus3620 Well, we should start from the realization that everybody has narcissistic tendencies. And it's not bad to care about yourself and consider your needs (including emotional needs) strongly. Even having an ego is not inherently bad; allowing others to hurt, manipulate, misrepresent, and generally abuse you is bad. Having an ego and a sense of self-worth is a defense against that. So long as you care (as you do) about not harming others, and you can see that you're changing your behavior over time, you're good. Don't beat yourself up about being imperfect, resolve to be better and do better.
No matter what you achieve they will not acknowledge or they will take all the credit
My mother was a narcissist but as a child I didnt know it was labelled.
What is acutely memorable is the way she treated my darling father.
Her nagging and screaming was extreme. I was terrified of her and was always on alert for her next verbal or physical attack.
Even as an adult woman, she tried to influence whom i should marry.
Still feel trauma from my childhood.
It's pointless talking to a narc, they do not see that they have a problem.
And sometimes they do see it, but just don’t do anything about it & keep denying it for as long as they can, until when they’re caught red handed.. though trust me, they are so weak they will deny it through their s
They have the cheek to say" you are the problem",instead .
ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!!
You might get across for a second, get a violent visceral reaction - fainting, vomiting - and then it all goes away. It will make you feel worse than before. I just don't. They see, they know, deep down, but it's pointless to try and have a grown up conversation with someone who has the outward psychology of a child.
A narc will take your drugs. Stay away.
My dad would say "you better go say sorry to your mother". I'd say why? He would say "I don't know but she's not happy". Her mood would determine everyone's mood. If my narcissistic mother wasn't happy, then my dad would send me to fix it.
Same here
Same
yes!!! it’s so exhausting isn’t it
I hate how they make us feel guilty for defending ourselves. I hate how they make me feel. I hate myself because no matter how bad they hurt me, I still can't hate them fully. I hate it because sometimes i blame myself for something they brought upon me.
I feel you 😔
If you're watching this video, and you have problems with relationships even after seperating from the narcisstic parent, I have some info I want to share.
In relationships, lets say you want a relationship of some sort. You have someone you hold in a very high esteem. You really enjoy their company and love them. but lets say you encounter a scenario where that partner is extending out to you. Maybe they want more of close long term relationship. This causes you to panic over time. You have incredible uncertainty. You begin pulling away emotionally. you feel wronged almost. the discomfort must be for a reason? you blame them for it to an extent. They crossed your boundary. But what are boundaries??
but then after a while you blame yourself. you take all the blame. You're not certain why you felt the way you did. you realize theyre only trying to love you. you feel shame and self hatred that weighs on you heavily
if you can relate to this you may have Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style. I have spent so much time hating myself and feeling like I can never be what anyone wants out of me. and learning about attachment styles has made me stop judging myself as harshly and bringing understanding where I wss so confused.
Both my parents are narcissists and my stepfather was a psychopath. I stopped loving my birth parents when I was 5 years old. I see them for who they are and leave them to fester in their own toxicity. These people never change because they don't see that they have done anything wrong; even when those actions are illegal.
I remember as teenager, going to a friend's house after school, her Mum was there (first surprise), her Mum asked me if I wanted something to eat or drink (second surprise), I stood there silent, not sure what to do, I did want to have something, but at the back of my mind I was thinking if I ask for something I'm going to make myself a nuisance. I think that was the first time I realised there was something not right about my family and that I was probably messed up. It's funny how the narcissist, by constantly telling you and treating you as if you're the problem, eventually messes with your head to the point where you do develop a problem.
wow this is so me.
I'm going on a road trip soon and visiting an old friend whose mom helped me get going on the career I am in now and I see her as a mother figure. I asked that when I stop by if I could stay the night and sleep in my camper truck on their driveway and she said "you're not sleeping in my driveway" so I said I'd just find some nearby campsites. I didn't realize what she meant by that and assumed she didnt want me there for the night until she suggested I stay inside and crash on the couch for the night instead. It's hard for me to accept or even ask for hospitality sometimes so I didn't even think of asking to stay the night inside because it feels excessively intrusive for me to ask. I've been starting to realize some of these effects as an adult now. I think some of it was from being a kid and not being allowed to stay the night at anyone's house and the suggestion was always to just have them come over to stay the night instead even if i wanted to go to theirs and get out of the house for a while.
Your last few sentences are so on point, it resonates with me bc growing up I was what they’d call an easy kid- quiet, good grades, no major issues(that they could see) and was verbally abused over small issues. Then my untreated mental illness(that was partially caused by them) really reared its head in college and I actually became a problem. I never saw it like this before
When I was a teenager, i used to look at all these kids with good relationships with their parents as the weird ones lol I thought to myself "that's not normal". I grew up having a parent/child relationship where the difference in age/experience/authority was very clear. Of course I laugh w/ my parents and all that but they don't really know me that well.
This is how it was for me. . .I realized my friends parents were much MUCH different than mine! And that was the cue that something wasn't right about my family. SAME EXACT SHIT! I kid you not!
Checklist:
1. Ever feel like you have to go through great lengths to prevent a conflict with your parent, and that this responsibility lies solely with you?
2. Has your parent NEVER apologized to you for ANYTHING EVER?
3. And if you express that you feel you are owed an apology, or critique them in any way, will they get angry and defensive?
4. Is your parent always going on about how much of a disappointment you are?
5. Do you feel you might have done better in life if you had gotten some encouragement from home and been told you're good enough as you are?
6. When you observe the relationships of your friends and their parents, does it seem unnaturally perfect and make you sad and envious?
7. Are you generally afraid of asking for things you want, and even say no when offered things you want, in fear of being a nuisance?
8. Do you love solitude?
Edit:
Wow, never gotten this much response to a comment before. Either it's a damned fine comment or simply something that resonates with absolutely everyone, indicating that what I wrote applies to absolutely everyone's parents. Gee that'd suck if I, with my zero psychological degrees, inadvertently convinced 2.2k people their parents were narcissists.
Either way, since I have everyone's attention, perhaps I can offer some mending words on how to repair the relationship with your however narcissistic parent.
Step 1: Forgive them. They have a disease or something inside them that "excuses" their passive aggressiveness.
Step 2: Forgo your own narcissism and realize that, most likely, much of whatever is inside them that triggers their passive aggressiveness has been put there by you somehow. For instance, they may bear resentment because you're avoiding them. Even if in this particular case you're only looking out for your own interests (BELIEVE ME, I UNDERSTAND YOU!!), they are unlikely to bear any blame themselves.
Step 3: Confront them in whichever way is most natural to you. Basically, you'll wanna communicate that you want to mend your relationship. You might not like this, but I suggest starting by apologizing for whatever hurt you've caused them. In order to avoid putting blame on them and calling them out on their narcissism (this will only make them defensive), you actually excuse their behaviour and put the blame on yourself. But cleverly, you've communicated that their behaviour (caused by you) is insufferable to you and needs to end in order for your relationship to function. And now that you've apologized, they will have the perfect excuse to stop. After all, if they keep being passive aggressive now, they'll have to admit to themselves that it's THEM there's something wrong with (and they're not gonna do that).
Now, I don't know your relationship, and perhaps all you wanna do is scream in you parent's face that you're owed an apology for all the torment they've caused you. If this is the case, you probably shouldn't be overly apologetic in your approach as well as expect no apology in return, as this will feel unfair and deny you your much deserved catharsis which might leave you with feelings of resentment. Best of luck on sucking it up and making the compromise. Keep your eye on the price (a parent that doesn't emit passive aggressiveness)! I believe in your mental fortitude and capability of being as diplomatic as you can! Good luck, and also, good for you for taking the initiative!!
6 & 8 resonate with me. I'm a loner. I believe that my mother was autistic. My biological father was neglectful.
Everything except #4, I was always a honor roll student but my mother never complimented me personally but she would brag about me to others when I wasn't around.
😔💔 yes
I feel all of these points to one of my parent.. 💔😔
When I was reading the 6 th point I got reminded of t thing that I have never ever met any of my friend's parents except for one in my entire life.....
I believe my father is a narcissist. Never apologizes, we never talk, he barely looks at me. Growing up I wasn’t able to express myself. I was sexually abused by a family member and couldn’t go to my parents about it out of fear. I have abandonment issues and sometimes fear that I am becoming a narcissist too. Most of my friendships and relationships have failed and I can never go to my parents about it because they are quick to avoid serious conversations. I’ve had problems with my self esteem and let guys use me, due to not knowing how to be truly loved or setting boundaries with them. My dad taught me how a real man should treat me. I had to experience it myself and I ran into many other narcissists. I’m slowing finding my way and starting to love myself. Im hoping to seek therapy and improve ever more now. Thanks for the great video.
Being a Narcissist vs Having Narcissistic Tendencies are two different things!
Well, the difference doesnt matter when it comes to someone at the recieving end of the abuse..bcoz even a single trait of narcissism is very exhausting and abusive to handle
@@starqueenlotus3755
I don’t disagree. To even hint that their differences as in one a diagnose and the other not, which is what i was directing my comment to the commentator, doesn’t mean that one is destructive & the other is not. The end result can be destructively the same.
@@harlequinhead2008 my point is, its not about the diagnosis, its about the impact on the victims. The world is nowadays caught up in an idea that the term narcissism is used everywhere.... well, i feel that the condition is underdiagnosed instead, given that its number is rising across the globe. Also, it goes on undetected until lifetime many times.
The diagnostic labels dont matter here. Who cares whether the person has a full blown NPD vs mild narcissism or narcissistic tendencies..... the main point of concern here is whether the person is toxic or healthy. Thats it...
@@starqueenlotus3755
Yep agree
I cannot imagine trying to talk to my mother about this stuff. She would deny it until the say she dies. There's just no point in letting her know she's the reason I needed therapy as an adult.
Absolutely same.
Yes I told my mom about all the trauma she caused me and she said that all of it was a lie and she made it about her, that her life was worse and I should be appreciative. She said that I was weird and nobody would ever understand me. They love making it about them! Can’t accept anything that attacks their persona
@RainbowDreams30 always has a way to turn it into my short coming or make it my fault.
I couldn't either its all my fault and I feel like the worst person ever
Same here
My dad is a narcissist and my mum had multiple mental illnesses so I’m on my own but I’ve got my dog and he means the world to me!
I need a dog it's been a decade since my last dogs.
Now i have you all 3 guys
The dog finally gives you the unconditional love you deserve.
Beautiful Timea - I have cats - I always prefered animals over people relationships. I think because of my childhood and the cruelty inflicted. Best wishes, keep going, we are love.
I feel you!!! My dog saved me lol
To all of you living with narcissistic parents currently know that your feelings are valid! Although a lot of us were raised thinking this is normal it’s not! You are so much stronger than you think! One day you’ll be free from this! Hang on!
My parents are both narcissists in sort of a codependent relationship with each other. It's them against the rest of the world and they don't really live in reality. There is no self-awareness and I feel constantly ill at ease around them because I never know what will set them off. And sometimes there won't be anything- my father will be set off by a "disrespectful look" that he claims I gave him when I'm just minding my own business. My sister is exactly the same. But to the rest of the world, they look like heroes of their church. It's been hard to get over these problems and to realize there is not something wrong with me, it is them. Being married and having another set of eyes on things has really helped my confidence.
"To a narcissists image is EVERYTHING." Preach!!! It's all about keeping up appearances.
Oh yeah. Doesn't matter what's going on. Just what people THINK is going on.
My boyfriends dad is an alcoholic narcissist and I just followed him around everywhere when he tried to mentally abuse my boyfriends mom because I knew his appearance was the sole thing that mattered to him. Then he tried to turn my boyfriend against me, needless to say it didn’t work and I told him to sit on it and spin. I don’t think I’ve ever come so close to hitting someone before in my life and I’m not violent.
and they can become violent and dangerous if their image is threatened..
@@haleysmith8804 Dad was alcoholic/drug addict, Mom was a Narc. I was the oldest child who tried to be perfect & fix everything for everybody! So typical.
@@haleysmith8804 I'm so sorry you went through that but yeah turning people against you is such a typical move for a narcissist because they derive some sick sense of pleasure from manipulating others and scapegoating you. A narcissist ALWAYS has to control the narrative it's a power trip for them. Sorry to hear about your situation but I am glad you got out of it! x
There honestly isn't even an accurate way to explain the hurt that one goes through when being raised by a narcissist..They literally ruin you. Your self esteem, self confidence, vulnerability is all gone. You're never content, you're always looking over your shoulder, not to mention the amount of anxiety that sticks with you for years after. Being raised by narcissistic parents is not a joke and people need to be taking it more seriously. I believe that narcissistic parents raise mental patients. It's that bad. The gaslighting, the manipulation. It's enough to actually drive someone to the point of no return. My youngest sister was suicidal and cutting at the age of 13 because of my narcissistic Mother. Narcissism is NOT a joke.
Edit: Oh my goodness...I've read all of your comments and I've been brought to tears. I'm so proud of every single one of you. You're all heros 🤍
Marissa Carter_as someone who has a covert narcissist mother and a co dependant father I agree. I have been very messed up most of my life. Only realising what my parents are 4 years ago in 2017. Although always knowing something was wrong.
But I concentrate on addressing issues with me, as I only can be the change in myself not others.
Yep. Im not religious, spirituality tho! But anyways i cant help but feel these narcissistic are just straight up fucking demons or SOMETHING cuz like ever look into the eyes of your narcissistic, during an episode? They're evil, so empty. Just ugh i cant even explain it, its just a deep dark empty evil ppl. Why. Its not logical. The closest thing to compare is a Evil being. I dont understand it.
I’m close to that point. I might even be at that point.
@@silenceafterviolence2596 Oh my goodness you explained it perfectly. I’ve looked into the eyes of my own mother as she choked me and it was just…empty. No empathic human emotions. It makes my skin crawl even thinking about it. Even as a child I would subconsciously construct an image in my mind that my real mother was replaced by a devil.
I’ve never truly knew why I hated women so much... until I realized the root issue was my mother
Golden child of a narcissistic mother with diagnosed "off-the-charts" narcissistic traits myself, I thank you for reminding that we are not always complete monsters. Your suggestion to simply learn to question oneself is also spot on. If you're able to, that is. As you mentioned, some like my mother are just too far off, buried in their defence mechanisms. I do my best to heal and become a better person but at the same time feel like I can't expect much more than a lonely life.
I'm positive my brother is the 'golden child'. He has never said anything positive , or god-forbid, loving to me. Never bought me a gift, never complimented me, never anything that's normal. He may have Asperger, but I don't think that's an excuse.
Don't give up. You can learn and change and have meaningful relationships. And remember, God, our ultimate parent, loves you always, no matter how badly your earthly parents let you down, or how badly you've screwed up yourself. We can always have a fulfilling relationship with Jesus, "the lover of my soul".
Listening to this makes me think of my husband's parents. I've suspected for years that his mom was a narcissist, but this is confirmation. I've never regretted how many times I've needed to reassure him and let him know how loved he is. Narcissistic parents are a lifelong obstacle.
My fiancée is like you. She reassures me and comforts me without hesitation. Consequently, my super cheesy romantic side comes out to her in return, and she gets the love and kindness she needs, too. It's really healing when ya find the right one. 🥰
@@EPIKUS. Can I ask you something? Would you consider yourself a stubborn man? Do you sometimes have a fear of being perceived as weak "or else"...?
I have those problems. I feel like that might prevent me from finding a loving partner
What therapy has taught me is that no narcissist will ever think "well, maybe I have narcissism." They'll have you questioning yourself, your sense of self and your sanity but they'll never question themselves because the problem is never* them. It's everyone else.
100% correct
so true
My mom literally justified her and my dad slapping me a few times and then legit told me via text now "Maybe you should get therapy, that'd be nice!" because I need to get fixed, not her. Don't get me wrong, I am working on getting therapy. It's just because of her (and mostly my dad) and not because of myself. Oh god it's so exhausting to never see any apologetic behaviour from them..
Very true, the problem is always the child, even at 56 im still the 'problem' even now when im sick they can't accommodate validating! ✌
@@bereal6590 Oh, absolutely … even at 56. I’ve done extensive therapy & my family hasn’t. I stand back & listen to the same old tapes playing over & again. It’s hard to be a minority, the scapegoat AND the hero!! Imagine my living with THAT dual role … absolutely mind boggling. When my mom loved me … I was pedestalyzed … when she didn’t, I was damned and told I was the cause of all evil. Try that on a kid who knows nothing!!! Thank God for my grandmother who loved me unconditionally, or I’d be dead by now.
Not all children raised by Narcissists become narcissists themselves. I’m an empath despite being raised by two Narcisissts.
Be careful not to get involved with a narcissist. Biggest danger for you
Do you think narcissists really think they are narcissists?
You're an empath because you were raised by two Narcissists. It's rough deal. I'm almost ok now! My son isn't a narcissist, and I love seeing how happy he is and how bonded he is within his family. Yep, I'm almost ok.
Ummm... The empath thing is from crossing boundaries that may be too loose. That happens when narcissistic parents insist on care-taking by their children.
You're hot
In a dysfunctional family where each child has a role, only the scapegoat heals eventually by looking for answers and help. The scapegoat also has less narcissism but they suffer from codependency. Golden child and the invisible mimic the parent.
1000% right on.
That’s very interesting. I’m trying to heal, but I’m not the scapegoat. I may have been the golden child, but i didn’t have children because I did not want to raise another person as I was raised. And out of all my siblings I am the most aware of the dysfunction in my family.
I think I should have said, most of the time and not only the escape goat heals. I agree with you. Based on my research, I came across also golden children or the invisible ones who are aware of the dysfunction of the family. You are lucky for looking for answers. One day, you will heal and feel better. Do not give up.
Scapegoat, here. Trying so hard to analyze myself for narcissistic tendencies. I refuse to perpetuate the cycle with my own children. Good luck, everyone!
I'm the youngest of 4 and the scapegoat. This is exactly how it has played out in my family. I went NC with my mother 3 years ago and my siblings haven't spoken a word to me since. Not even when our mother died last year. They were all gathered around her hospital bed crying and taking turns holding her hand when she passed away. I got a text from my niece and cried alone, but not out of grief for my mother. I mourned the mother I should have had but didn't and never would. I'm glad I wasn't there. Because my mother would have absolutely RELISHED such a sycophantic display of devotion in her final hour. My absence tainted what would have been her perfect, crowning MOMENT otherwise. She may have controlled and manipulated everyone else her entire life, but in the end there was one person who stood up to her. She HATED that I didn't come crawling back to her, and I guarantee it ate her up inside until her last breath.
Somebody needs to address not just the emotional narcissistic abuse from mother to daughter but the constant physical torture, pinching poking pushing back handing across the room. She’s so kindly told me about that one. Nobody is talking about the physical abuse and it’s not OK.
Don’t forget the dragging around by the hair and the having your face grabbed under the chin in a vice grip and getting dragged by your face.
Or the calling you a whore your ugly I should of got rid of you or no one will ever love you your always wrong etc these word still okay in my head and I’m 59 yo 😢
"Narcissism means there will be no self awareness, no accountability." So true! And so simply put! Thank you.
Cassie Winter ironic then the image of Narcissis in a mirror. It’s always meant to show vanity, but it could be showing really seeing oneself lol
Also another mind screw- sometimes they do see, or partially see, or pretend to see, or temporarily see these things... then snapping out of that without warning & rewriting history or pretending it never happened 😂 you can use the phrase “take responsibility” substituted in those instances above as well.
I like how he the way he talked about being vulnerable and accepting vulnerability from others. Very well put together
My ex husband was a narcissist. He however, viewed our sons as tiny Bob, intelligent and superior to all other children and me. There were no consequences or responsibility. I in fact was nothing more than a servant to his and their needs. We have 6 sons all of whom fundamentally believe that I am inferior in every way. Because they were Demi Gods, they rarely challenged God. Consequently, he elevated them to ensure that they never suffered from a lack of self esteem. He even celebrated their tenacity and flagrant lack of respect against any authoritarian even the law. Once he raced with the oldest son on an interstate going over 100 miles per hour and all of our sons between the 2 cars. When I called him on it, criticizing the example on our young emergent drivers, he said "I wasn't racing, I was just keeping up", which got a great chuckle from all of them.
Just like a lot of alcoholics I have known.
Mostly Narcissists don’t think they have anything wrong, they don’t see therapies.
Lmao my mom became the therapist instead of going to therapy.
My dad said his "traits" help him to his goals, he's a manic person.
My therapists in the past have said, they're both crazy and I should get out ASAP.
Parents are divorced luckily, I have the money to get out, just having issues with finding a place for my mature cat because so many places don't allow animals in my price range.
Can't figure out what I'm scared of more though having my parents break into my house or having a stranger love bomb me again... Idk both seem messed up. So afraid of the world so afraid I'll meet people just like my parents and I won't recognize it until it's too late
Therapists are often hard core narcissists with a void self that they vampirise from their patients.
But they'll tell you that you need help and try take credit for it, whilst sitting in the background telling everyone that they helped you.
I love this psychologist ! Dr. Seth !
@@Ishid9duu288u you should go listen to HG Tudor. He is a narcissist sociopath but he lays out what you need to look for. Having a narc parent will leave you open to these relationships your entire life. If you can spot the signs, it'll be easier to get out sooner. I wish it didn't require this type of vigilance but it really does.
IME, telling people about your messed up childhood leads to them believing that either you did something to deserve it or that you are a liar...
Or you're "confused" or ungrateful because supposedly EVERY mother loves their children, right? Eye roll. As if they've never heard a news story about parents neglecting, abusing--even murdering their children!
I really like Doctor Ramani's videos released on Mother's Day 2020 and 2021 (both titled Narcissistic Mothers) that touch on how sucky it is when people assume everyone has a great, loving mom. I'm grateful for these online communities where people actually get it.
I am a daughter of a narcissistic father and my mother is so glued to him,she can't leave,I am a high achiever it drains me so much,I relate to everything you are talking about and more and its Terrible. My biggest worry in life is being a narcissist like my parents.
Same here... I think if you're deeply and truly worried about being a narcissist, if you are concerned by the feelings of people around you... then you're not and you won't be. Courage à toi!
Have a nice day!
This has been killing me lately. But my therapist said there is no such thing as a self-aware narcissist so if I'm asking myself that, it isn't possible. Sometimes it feels like it though. Because we do not want to become like right. That would be the worst punishment. Just need to get away as far as possible as soon as possible.
@@livlu7275 I am deeply concerned about this too but I see myself doing things that are narcissistic and it has taken so much time and therapy to undo it.
a girl with a career is like a guy with a shoe collection, attraction is not symmetric
same here Samantha I have narc traits too . I am overly empathic and find it difficult to regulate my emotions lots of tears 😢 . I have had therapy and doing better going no contact a year ago has helped the pain never leaves you really . Your a strong person and deserve to be loved and happy I hope you are striving for peace and love ❤ ps : a narcissist would never wonder if they are one or not so we aren’t I hope this helps
My signs of having had a narcissistic parent.... as an adult, I've dealt with/deal with: Peripetism. Desire for solitude. Difficulty prioritizing. Failure to focus on one line of work. Depression. Trouble finishing projects. Disorganized home. Lack of trust. Few friends. Feelings of emptiness.
That said, I'm a happy person today. I have a good marriage and a farm to work and enjoy.
Me!
Pretty much... 😞
Dealing with the same issues currently.. What did you do that helped?
@@Cevalip After an inexplicable rage attack that I had at 32...I went to counseling, with a competent and ethical therapist. She asked me to describe my family. I told her my dad was an average guy, who fought in WWII, and my mom was a perfect person. She then asked me to write a journal of incidents in my childhood that bothered me. I started writing and by the time I was done, had filled the book with over 300 incidents of abuse. In all of them, my mother was the instigator and beneficiary. The rest of us were victims. This took the scales off my eyes. I'd been taught since birth, by my mother, that Dad was the "bad guy" and to blame him whenever anything went wrong. In actual fact, mother was the primary abuser in our family. I then wanted to know why she was this way.
I knew she was passive aggressive, but only learned the root of her behavior - narcissism - very recently. I'm still learning. I've been no contact with her for over 30 years (I'm 65 now). She still tries to hoover me via relatives.
I still struggle. Knowing people like Angie - even if only through the web- helps me cope. I'm willing to accept a bit of a struggle with lingering symptoms, if that's what my freedom costs.
Where my mother is concerned, I have only one thought: never again.
you just described a lot of symptoms of many things .. for instance .. ADD or ADHD .. which I have. Perhaps I am also narcissistic ?
When he listed off the signs of being raised by narcissistic parents,.....i broke down. I always thought it was me, that i was the problem
Edit: thankyou SO so much for all the kind words and reassurances, I really don't feel like im alone anymore💙
yup
Sarah! I want to hug you through the screen! I relate.. it's scary stuff . Coming to the realization can feel like getting hit by a semi-truck :*(
If it helps, I did too... full on crying my eyes out. After years and years of being blamed for everything it breaks you 💔
Hugs from Missouri, it took me awhile to wake up, I had to go no contact, go into therapy, get diagnosed with dysthymia, get divorced, hang in there.
:( it’s not your fault hun
My mom’s family thought my dad was a good person for a long time. Since mom died, he doesn’t feel the need to act and they’re finally seeing him for the cruel, petty and self centered man he is. It’s fantastic to see his mask slip and truth being told.
This has been 100% my experience. I was adopted. My mother was unloving, unempatethic, and dismissive. Many times, I tried to have a sit down and talk about how the constant pressure, fear of expectations and verbal abuse affected me, but it was met it with dismal interest. To this day no conversation has ever lead to an apology. I lost my best qualities, self- confidence, vulnerability, light heartedness, and joy. My parents only loved me for athletic or studious achievements. Nothing else and I have a ton of stories to prove it.
As I got older, the hits kept coming when low self esteem means... nice guy. No lasting relationship until recently, im married now but i still struggle with thinking im not good enough. I am scared to be cracked and tossed like an egg shell I knew my Mom didnt care, she was no support. The women that things went no where with were always so calm about feeling nothing for me so i watched from the sidelines, learning to bring out my best qualities again....but yeah fuck narrassitics. Im done
Thank you for posting this. I am also adopted and my mother would tell me I would have either been a child prostitute or dead if she hadn’t adopted me. She would also tell me that she can tell me to do anything she wants bc she bought me. I can’t even take her seriously anymore bc I know every time she puts me down , what she is saying isn’t true. I truly resonated when you said “I lost my best qualities, self-confidence, vulnerability, lightheartedness and joy.”
I was given away at age 12 & spent the rest of teen years in foster homes, it was hell, I was over 25 different homes/institutions. She made it all seem like I was the one causing the trouble. So as I got older i tried to reconnect and forgave her for everything she did to me... only to have her brainwash my children & take anything good if me I had left! At age 48, I am only now realizing the depth of the abuse I suffered. I pray that I can heal enough for the rest of my life to mean anything! I don't even fully know, who I truly am as a grown woman, or how to be unapologetically me & forgive myself for things that were not my fault & had no control over. I feel like I am living her karma, seeing as she was the worst, but I've had to suffer my whole life, while everyone believe she's some kind of saint. This shit goes deep!!!
The worst part is when everyone ignores the narcissism or gives them a pass and when you tell the truth you are treated like an idiot until that person is screwed over themselves
In some cases I can understand (but still don’t condone) why people give them a pass, especially if they know that person well enough to have been subjected to narc rage. All part of the manipulation! Scare them into submission, so the narc doesn’t have to risk facing up to their own shit.
Narcs bully people into submission, and act affronted when you reflect back your impressions of their behavior. They just don't care about others!
Grace and peace to you and yours.Indeed they shortchange themselves from the Psychological benefits of self awareness and accountability.Its out of the next adults control.The saddest story on earth.
Or in my case, my mother lied and talked so badly about me to the est of my family that they never spoke to me again. She got a real joy out of turning people against me.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My mum's first worry when she found out I was raped repeatedly as a kid was "What will people think of me?". I replay it in my mind occasionaly , clear as day, and it still hurts just as much.
She literally blurted it out loud. And get this - it only happened because she used to leave me at her male friend's house to go out partying at night. She was so worried that people would think it's her fault and that she's a bad mother, that she gaslighted me that it was no big deal. And when I pressed the issue she would rage and accuse me of lying or wanting to make her life hell.
She never allowed me to go into therapy either, coz "there was nothing wrong with me". I was 9 years old. Adolescence was hell. First time I dated I was 13 and the dude was over 30, I used to skip school to meet him. I acted out, I failed school, and she made a point to make everyone in the family think I was a rebel without a cause.
Few years ago she had a stroke and I felt nothing.
so sorry
So sorry to hear this. I also have a mother who I suspect was neglectful towards my sister but I cannot make sense of the patterns or help because my narcissistic parents had always undermined and trapped me in their mind games so as to not be able to help my sister as well since she became hateful towards me and is also a narcissist herself.
I am so sorry you were treated like that. It was NEVER your fault, but I know your nasty mom made you feel it was. I pray you are healing♥️🙏
Rape would and never will be your fault, it's never to late to notify police he may have done it to others even if you can't prosecute it may give you a little closure to healthy move forward with your life just to talk to someone about whst happened to you
Your story is shockingly similar to mine. Thank you for sharing.
My brother and I were raised by a narcissist father. My Dad was obviously a traumatised man himself and I only understood that when I read the book "The Body Keeps the Score" and recognised him in the pages. I have been seeking help from professionals (psychologists, counsellors, Reiki practitioners) since I was 25 years old. I am in my early 50's and although I still suffer with low self esteem and shame, I have come a long way in understanding and forgiving myself and others ( I am not perfect and still have issues). I see in my brother a repeat of our father's behaviour. My brother is very smart academically, but has never sought out therapy. He believes his childhood trauma was my fault. He does not look at our father's behaviours because he now mimics them. He blames me for his unhappiness (I was my father's scape goat - he violently blamed me for all his unhappiness) and my brother tries to do the same.
Therapy, in any form that soothes and suits you, that gently holds a mirror up so you can look at your outdated beliefs and the dysfunction you grew up in is the best investment I think you can make in your life. Needless to say I have shut the door to my brother and refuse to have a relationship with him. He is hurt, and I am sorry, but he won't look at his beliefs and how he continues to perpetuate the ideas we grew up with.
It is very correct that he pointed out that as a child you can’t be upset or angry when you’re hurt by them.
I’m 32 and just now my mom told me I have to please my dad even when he said something awful to me.
Like my feelings are non existent.
@R S123 when you’re hurt by them
“ you shouldn’t feel this way because I raised and provided for you. You should feel grateful “
On the other hand, when you said something that slightly offend them, they make sure you pay for what you did.
Underlying all of this, it’s because they somehow think they’re superior than you for various reasons, but you can’t point it out, because it makes them look bad. They’ll deny it. They’ll say you misunderstand them and they do it all for you.
"i don´t remember doing/saying that" my parents always
or another if you try to fight back "you ungrateful asshole" or "you're the reason my life is so horrible".
CLASSIC
A classic!
i hate that gas lighting horse shit. so dishonest.
@@duke3250 It IS dishonesty, but I've noticed very often they genuinely mean what they're saying. So the gaslighting is often from self-deception, and it's maybe the worst/most infuriating kind because the person believes with every ounce of their being what they're saying.
The ones who obviously lie can be spotted a mile away. The ones who lie from self-deception, are far, far more difficult to spot.
"To the narcissist, image is everything". So true!
Plastic ppl
Yep, I remember one night my narcissistic father was raging and I had a panic attack and called 911. When the paramedics were helping me, my narc father raged at them and forced them to leave. I told him I called 911 because I couldn’t breathe. He went berserk and shouted, “WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK???!!!???
@@elizabethd.2398 They're broken people, unable to feel empathy. Greetings from Uruguay.
Yep! It's pretty much the essence of narcissism.
@@elizabethd.2398 yep!
Knowing that your parents parents were narcissists helps one understand and forgive their behaviour and get to grips with your own behaviour. Excellent video very enlightening.
Their god may forgive them, but I sure as hell won’t.
Knowledgeable man, thank you for the interesting interview. Grew up with a narcisstic mother but couldn't meet her high demands, crashed multiple times to please her. Now finally broke with her after the death of my father. I understood my mistakes through reading about codependency, a consequence of narcisstic abuse or parenting. There is hope for us. Don't give up.
" If I achieve this that or the other.. then FINALLY I'll be good enough."
Damn... now I'm crying
that's the feelings we get but our success is never good enough for the narc. They try to knock us down, so they can raise themselves up.
Problem comes when you never know what’s expected of you. No matter what you do, it’s dismissed, so how can there even be a clear goal for achievement?
@@mgtowfrank2502 I am giggling now because I never realized this was a problem until my daughter (31 now) was 7 and got a 0 on an assignment in class that I knew she'd dome. She showed it to me. When we went to see her teacher, she said it wasn't that she hadn't done the assignment, it was that she had a list of things to do every day, and the writing was the first thing did every day as it was her favorite. "She writes her story, then reads it and edits, then rereads and edits and edits and edits until she runs out of time and never gets to anything else." I was in my therapist's office the next day asking how to change my behavior haha I am so grateful I had a good one and that I did that work. My daughter has grown up to be brilliant, creative, happy and well adjusted. I am so grateful. I wish you all the vey best in every way. I will tell you that healing hurts. They dont' tell us that. And you must know that if you choose to do that work, probably noone else will. But that doesn't matter. You do. Take good care of you. You deserve the best and to be Loved and celebrated. Blessings and Blissings to you. Be Well!
TOO REAL RIGHT 😳
@@MyMarsham No joke. Everybody in my life is a narcissist by that measurement alone. I loved school because it was the only place where I knew what was expected of me and I could actually be appreciated for my efforts. I just told my husband yesterday that I didn't want to buy some elastic that he asked me to because I know that no matter what I buy, it won't be right. My parents were like that, both my husbands have been like that, my siblings are like that, and my own children treat me like that. I have a master's degree, I'm a Phi Beta Kappa, but they treat me like I'm a total screw-up.
I developed my own narcissistic traits with this upbringing. Always told myself I didn’t want to be anything like her, but found myself hurting others just as she had to me. Had to do some serious soul searching and therapy to correct these traits. They still secretly creep up sometimes though I’m now self aware and know better.
Correcting the behavior is what makes the difference. I hope you're doing better. 🤟🏻
What kinds of things did you do to hurt others? I am just starting this journey and am trying to analyze my behavior and see if I am doing these things :( It's a lot to take in.
@@sydniandrews7128 Love bombing, then becoming cold out of nowhere. Getting angry for the smallest things and lashing out. Then feeling bad for lashing out, but then getting mad about it as well, so I’d lash out again..a very vicious cycle. Kind of embarrassing to admit, but that’s how I knew that ongoing pattern in my head wasn’t normal.
@@smileyearth4896 wow, I might relate to that. Guess I have more work to do. Thanks for responding ❤
at least you are self aware and are attempting to change. self awareness is the first step. idk where you are at now, but i want to say good luck and you are doing great.
took me till almost 40 to realize my parents are terrible. so terrible that past being born they have been nothing but a drag on my life. i don't interact with my dad at all and extremely limited with my mom.
the bigger the gap the better my life gets lol. it just dawned on me that i dont fight with anybody but them. and every day without them was a good day.
they valued what i care about 0%. its alwas we know best even at almost 40 😂
love this! so true
Mom is saw narcissist and I can only be around her for 10 minutes before she starts a fight
my mom really messed me up, man. It's so hard to be proud of my own little achievements.
Marilyn they were prob not little achievements, they were prob big achievements made to look small by mummy dearest who wouldn’t acknowledge them. Good thoughts Sister. Good thoughts.
Hey, i know that i don't know you, but i just want to say that i'm sure that you can be sooo proud of you!
From what I hear from my friends, no achievement is little. My mother is a narc too, and it is so weird to live in an enviorment where it isn't a big deal when something falls and/or breaks or when I am not able to put everything in the dishwasher 'correctly'.
Be proud when you were able to do the dishes or when you fold up your clothes! Those aren't as little as you may think ^^
Hugs to you, I wish for success and happiness to you. Whatever achievement I have made in life is never acknowledged by my mom, therefore I have always felt invisible. It's tough to strive for success when there's nobody cheering you on.
@@MsLemon1971 us random friends you have never met on the internet will cheer you on.
If you are suffering because of a narcissist, remember you are loved, beautiful and worthy. Never give up on yourself! 💗
It's not a matter of remembering, some people don't have knowledge or memory of that. So we can only hope to maybe come across the confirmation, one day.
Ho’Oponopono everything.
Re-menber to Love. I’m a member of unconditional Love. Always and all ways remember
Thank You, I'm 58 hurt so much now, bitter,from the used,abused, neglected, done Dirty,took from, sneaky, keep secret left out
Loved by who?
@@bonichiahay4108 I'm 58 and hurt but trying to learn the healing process.Never give up.
As an adult child I walked away from my family, Then, and now, my father will try to enforce the thought that he is better than his children in any way. He told me once that one of the commandments says that I must honor him no matter the situation. My father never used the word "proud" when he spoke to his children. We were expected to be proud of him, and to use him as an example to live our lives. He never did wrong in his eyes. I caught him in a lie and confronted him. I have not had communication with my family for at least 7 years. I have moved on and live my life to be aware of possibly being like my father. I correct myself and enjoy my healthy friendships I have.
After being beaten and screamed at every day of my life in childhood by both parents I learned to be small, stay in my bedroom, quiet so as not to provoke my tormenters. And well somehow I managed to become outwardly vivacious, successful in business and even the stage but revert back to the same solitude for safety. Of course I married a narcissist,, so textbook. I have to learn now in the years I have left with all the gifts I’ve been given to open up and embrace life moment by moment instead of still staying small so often and afraid to engage in a real relationship.
Run and don't look back from a family who makes you feel like this. Get therapy and train yourself to avoid these people in your adult life and replace them with empathetic, well adjusted friends who truly become your real family.
Great Advice Joe !!!
I just read a book called "When to Walk Away" by Gary Chapman that talks about how even Jesus walked away from people and let people walk away from him. You really do have to make a new family with healthier adult people.
Easy for you to say
💯
yes thank you!
Narcissists are ppl that live in glass houses but who are always throwing stones at people outside. Don't dare throw one back! Don't even bother with a sheild. Just run like hell and never look back.
I wanted to run away by age 7 but left at 15 totally unprepared for life and permanently mentally damaged. I had to teach myself everything I now know by age 60. That's a lifetime of trauma.
Yes so true always looking for validation and attention be it negative or positive and God forbids if you come from a loving family and people actually genuinely like you the Narc gets totally jealous and gas light any situation it's tiring.
@@ANickerson411 Hopefully yours was NOT a "lifetime of trauma". B/c you ar estill alive. You survived a LOT and hopefully l earned a LOT. You're likely still learning, as many of us still are. Go to quora.com to find answers and other ppl who will have insight and help you feel less alone in stuff you're dealing with..I send u LOVE and POSITIVE VIBES!!!!!
@@csloane4129 for a while I got over it pretty much but when I was 30 Mama Dearest loaned me enough money for a house deposit only to ask for it back for no good reason two years later in the middle of the 1990's recession. Being a good son I lost my house and business to pay her back. Now she has Alzheimer and she can't remember anything so I have no one to unload on. Her abuse will be with me until I die I'm afraid unless Ayuahska will work which I am working to do for a short time before I break through. I could write a book on depression if I wasn't RDHD.
@@ANickerson411 OMG DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW HILARIOUS U ARE
I am 58 and still learning new ways of self presavation with my mother. A lot of damage was done in my early years as a new parent. I tried to pull away from the methods and beliefs drilled into me by my narcissistic mother, suffering severe post natal depression and anxiety. Luckily I have the most amazing husband, who loved and supported me unconditionaly. Finally I learned to love myself and gain the confidence to become a good parent. Also realising that it's OK not to be perfect and it's OK to make mistakes. Finally the most important lesson of all is that you ate not responsible for a narcists behaviour and will never change them.