The Narcissism Doctor: THESE Toxic Patterns Are Signs You're Dealing With A Narcissist

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  • čas přidán 30. 04. 2024
  • Dr. Ramani, a licensed clinical psychologist, is back for another eye-opening discussion on narcissistic personalities.
    In this interview, you'll learn:
    - How to identify a narcissist
    - How to heal from an abusive relationship
    - How to regain your self-confidence
    - How to let go of a toxic relationship
    What We Discuss:
    00:00 Intro
    01:09 How To Diagnose Narcissism
    05:41 Why Narcissistic People Make History
    9:28 How To Not Attract A Narcissist
    11:27 Patterns Of A Narcissistic Relationship
    18:11 Why People Get Stuck In Toxic Relationships
    21:45 The Long-Term Impact Of Narcissistic Abuse
    28:21 You Can Empathize And Not Forgive
    30:42 What Is Radical Acceptance?
    32:39 The Importance Of Flexibility In Our Psyche
    35:20 Grief is the Most Human Experience
    38:06 How To Recreate Your Own Subjective Focus
    44:13 How To Pull Yourself Away From Gaslighting
    48:58 Can a Narcissist Ever Heal?
    Episode Resources:
    doctor-ramani.com/
    / doctorramani
    / @doctorramani
    / doctorramani
    www.amazon.com/Its-Not-You-Id...
    Want to learn to coach like Jay Shetty? Discover how here: gtly.to/PMlHc6JZw

Komentáře • 2,2K

  • @JayShettyPodcast.
    @JayShettyPodcast.  Před měsícem +321

    What lesson did you learn from Dr. Ramani?
    I’d like to invite you to join this community and subscribe to the channel. By hitting the 'Subscribe' button, you're not just becoming a subscriber - you're choosing to make a positive difference in your life.

    • @kannank1087
      @kannank1087 Před měsícem +3

      😂😂 ! So funny man

    • @cathrinenzimande8906
      @cathrinenzimande8906 Před měsícem +18

      My biggest lessons from watching Dr Ramani on all platforms is to always be kind to others, ourselves and to practice deep Introspection. This prevents us from I'll treating others and to be able to see when others are treating us I'll.

    • @darkcrystalmagik3369
      @darkcrystalmagik3369 Před měsícem +2

      2:07

    • @RC-vb1hz
      @RC-vb1hz Před měsícem +14

      Dismantled brick by brick struck a cord with me.

    • @Gardenwitch1954
      @Gardenwitch1954 Před měsícem +9

      She rocks❤

  • @jackym4652
    @jackym4652 Před měsícem +1472

    The loss of yourself when you’re in a narcissistic relationship is so sad

    • @northernfox6420
      @northernfox6420 Před měsícem +87

      And it is so hard to try and rediscover yourself. You feel like a shell of your former self since doubt is your normal.

    • @dixiewinxeqandmore356
      @dixiewinxeqandmore356 Před měsícem +55

      It's taken me years to recover. I still feel shamed.

    • @merncat3384
      @merncat3384 Před měsícem

      ​@@dixiewinxeqandmore356
      I no longer feel shame.
      I feel anger and regret for the years that I lost.

    • @Angela-on6cd
      @Angela-on6cd Před měsícem +59

      All those hours lost of one’s life trying to work out what the hell was going on. Going over every argument , every betrayal , every instance where they muddied the waters or every time they were vacant when you were giving it your all and your honesty but what helps is knowing that their dysfunction runs deep, that they’re not well in the head and you’re not to blame.

    • @merncat3384
      @merncat3384 Před měsícem

      @@meetalisingh5874 😔

  • @thebigh9324
    @thebigh9324 Před měsícem +388

    When they keep getting angry at you for no reason , that is a BIG SIGN to go !!

    • @cbeachbaby266
      @cbeachbaby266 Před 28 dny +65

      And yet, you aren’t allowed to get upset about really big crap they do. It’s exhausting.

    • @jussgray
      @jussgray Před 27 dny +29

      That irrational anger was so so frustrating.

    • @Dingle1234
      @Dingle1234 Před 25 dny +15

      I see people allowing their rage to spin out of control, where they become devoid of reason, like a mad dog. Do you try to reason with a mad dog?

    • @Belluser-we1uc5cb2l
      @Belluser-we1uc5cb2l Před 23 dny +10

      ​@@jussgrayThat's how they push you away. You should leave ,run, don't look back!

    • @user-re7wt2yc8b
      @user-re7wt2yc8b Před 23 dny +3

      So true.

  • @bettymoncrief1956
    @bettymoncrief1956 Před měsícem +105

    It is painful. You don't trust your own thoughts. You think you are so faulty because you have become worthless the gaslighting is real. You become convinced that you are unloveable.

  • @queenchenna6772
    @queenchenna6772 Před 14 dny +30

    The longer a person is in a narcissistic relationship, the longer they have to abandon themselves. Whew! That right there!! 🎯🎯🎯

  • @janecumby
    @janecumby Před měsícem +1031

    I am a survivor. My motto is “Don’t look back, you are not going that way”.

    • @JayShettyPodcast.
      @JayShettyPodcast.  Před měsícem +28

      ❤❤❤

    • @1948rambo
      @1948rambo Před měsícem +27

      It’s like accepting a cat is not a dog. No matter how hard you try to train the cat- he’ll never be a dog!!!!

    • @1948rambo
      @1948rambo Před měsícem +16

      I don’t believe you can get off the train until you really understand it.

    • @1948rambo
      @1948rambo Před měsícem +14

      Forgiving them is different than allowing them to do it again!

    • @1missy40
      @1missy40 Před měsícem +4

      💪🏽🙌🏽💯🥰

  • @s.d.mitchell9505
    @s.d.mitchell9505 Před měsícem +868

    Dr Ramani saved my life from a gaslighting, physically abusive narcissist. I knew something was wrong with him, I assumed it was ME...then I came across her on CZcams and she described what I had been living. It took me a couple of years to prepare to leave...my spirit had been so crushed, he stole who I was...he beat me down so far I didn't think I deserved much. Dr Ramani turned my light back on, understanding it wasn't ME , gave me the courage to leave. I planned, I saved $$$, I built my self confidence back up and left!!! THANK YOU for saving me!! At 70 yrs old I am free to live my remaining years in peace.

    • @charcoalgray2401
      @charcoalgray2401 Před měsícem +71

      Wow, you're an inspiration showing that it's never too late to get out. God bless you!

    • @priyankapriyanka749
      @priyankapriyanka749 Před měsícem +35

      I am 40…. Now my turn to achieve green And I deserve better life

    • @Cy-bz9jh
      @Cy-bz9jh Před měsícem +49

      I, too, kept a list in my head of preparations, of things I had to achieve (silently, stealthily, while pretending everything was the same) until one day I was ready. It took 2 years. I didn't even have a car!! But escaping was the best feeling I had felt in 3 years. The careful planning is hard since it doesn't come naturally, but I copied the narcissist in scheming and trickery and plotting and lying. It's been 4 years but living alone is still better than feeling worthless, never good enough and being told that it's better if I never speak. I'm 68 now and at peace. I joined the long list of his wives (6 that I know of) that "stole his money, was crazy, and abused his good nature". Umm, okay. As long as he stays far away from me, I will only tell my story anonymously.

    • @osajohnson1957
      @osajohnson1957 Před měsícem

      Good for you!@@Cy-bz9jh

    • @ainerisakhellchannel
      @ainerisakhellchannel Před měsícem +6

      🙏🏽👏🏽❤

  • @lionizedlamb5178
    @lionizedlamb5178 Před měsícem +90

    There's definitely a spiritual component to this. Empath vs narc, light vs dark dynamic!

    • @goldenautumn3073
      @goldenautumn3073 Před měsícem

      I believe NPD is a form of demon possession - no doubt at all.

    • @africanprincessmaya
      @africanprincessmaya Před měsícem +2

      i believe this too

    • @prizethought
      @prizethought Před měsícem +8

      Givers versus takers. Best relationship is two selfless givers that genuinely love each other, not being just people pleasing to someone who only wants & loves their ego validation or how they can use you instead of genuinely loving you as a person.

    • @chelseapalmer4501
      @chelseapalmer4501 Před 16 dny

      I think that too

    • @brianlogan6011
      @brianlogan6011 Před 5 dny

      No it’s not

  • @TheRealCwizz
    @TheRealCwizz Před měsícem +58

    Dealing with narcissistic parents that tormented you, abused you mentally and physically is something else man. I pray for everyone who's going through this to go through and stay strong💪♥️

    • @sa-ra3248
      @sa-ra3248 Před měsícem +2

      How I grew up
      Had kids with one
      Was single for 10 years
      Ended up with another narcissist
      TRYING TO LEAVE AFTER ONE YEAR OF ABSOLUTE TORMENT
      I’m Fuch EXHAUSTED
      CANNOT GET AWAY FROM THEM
      HONESTLY WOULD RATHER BE ALONE THAN KEEP TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE

    • @meghnamehta7694
      @meghnamehta7694 Před 29 dny +1

      I feel you...we need to heal on a daily basis

    • @maayame3153
      @maayame3153 Před 5 dny

      Living with a narc mother is like living In a closed room with no windows and Door .they make sure to character assassinate you in the mean while overly love bombing their so called sons who they manipulate into believing they are the victims of everything that has happened to them and yes of course you are the one that gets blamed for everything and anything the food that u eat the eay that you eat the clothes that you wear the way you look talk or your existence in general is a fucking problem for them they trigger you and gaslight you to ab extent that your righteous rage and your out burst is a fuel to their sinister false self where they go like "see this is how she behaves this is how she is this is what she does to me " and there u are presented as a real life villain with no compassion no respect a liar and a trouble some individual who eats off other people's livelihood..this is how a narsassistic saddist parent "mother" makes you in front the whole world..Am planning my exit coz they leave us with no choice .it's is hard to be starting everything from scratch but that's the only way..

  • @DoctorRamani
    @DoctorRamani Před měsícem +1481

    Thank you, Jay for having me back on your podcast!

    • @thailanwhen
      @thailanwhen Před měsícem +103

      Dr. Ramani, you’re a certified badass ❤ I love listening to you talk, your insights are brilliant, entertaining and easy to understand. Thank you

    • @Aaashnative8
      @Aaashnative8 Před měsícem +19

      Such a good verbal speaker ! How ??

    • @Sorry.not.sorry.695
      @Sorry.not.sorry.695 Před měsícem +31

      Thank you for everything Doctor! You have helped so many.

    • @tugnormoustuglicous1303
      @tugnormoustuglicous1303 Před měsícem +16

      You are a gift to this world both you and Jay. In my language (Cree-native american) we say Kinanaskomtin meaning I am extremely grateful

    • @JayShettyPodcast.
      @JayShettyPodcast.  Před měsícem +89

      Thank YOU for being such a wonderful guest!

  • @cherylannebarillartist7453
    @cherylannebarillartist7453 Před měsícem +751

    “ repeatedly forgiving a repeat perpetrator, actually harms the forgiver”.
    Well this is good clarity!
    Thank you.

    • @JayShettyPodcast.
      @JayShettyPodcast.  Před měsícem +12

      ❤❤❤

    • @rachelsspaceyogabreathsoun7954
      @rachelsspaceyogabreathsoun7954 Před měsícem +19

      Omg yes!! But it’s a trauma bond. The codependent can’t leave. As I am healing my own trauma and codependency. I am starting to understand the being a narcissist also comes from trauma and childhood abuse and neglect.‘ I’m not condoning or advocating narcissistic people but we are all healing from some sort of trauma.

    • @katyb2793
      @katyb2793 Před měsícem +26

      I must say I have to respectfully disagree.
      Only because i think our definition of forgiveness is a bit off.
      Forgiveness does not mean trusting, it does not mean I'm required to be vulnerable to that person, it does not mean I don't maintain strong boundaries based on the behaviour they have shown, it does not mean I believe they are a good person.
      Forgiveness means I don't expect anything from them, I don't believe they owe me anything, I wish them well, release them from any bond of unforgiveness, hatred etc.
      Unforgiveness really doesn't hurt them. It hurts us. Because we allow the hatred etc to fester and never leave.
      Instead of letting go of their abuse, maintaining strong and reasonable boundaries, not feeling required to trust them, and letting ourselves grieve, heal and move on.
      I find too I forgive them, and then later I feel unforgiving towards them. Did I not forgive in the first place? I don't think so. In my experience I just keep repeat forgiving them until it becomes a lot easier.

    • @TR-ru7tb
      @TR-ru7tb Před měsícem +6

      100% and most churches do not read the verses that say when they repent( meaning change behavior, then u forgive) ezekiel 18-19..evennin the Bible it never said to forgive people who don't turn from their behaviors..but psalms 1 and isaiah 59:8 isaiah 26:10 jer 13:23..so..people who say to forgive when they aren't sorry, well they don't know scripture either...❤

    • @TR-ru7tb
      @TR-ru7tb Před měsícem +2

      ​@@rachelsspaceyogabreathsoun7954yeah but they don't want to heal ..they wanna make others hurt

  • @IsraelXOX-gh9mr
    @IsraelXOX-gh9mr Před 25 dny +127

    There are many different signs. These include spending time on phone that was not spent previously, withholding sex from you, withdrawing in communication with you, agitation or anger over Petty stuff or making up situations to get angry or agitated over, lying, being secretive in any way, randomly spending more time caring for and pampering oneself such as putting on makeup or wearing cologne or coloring hair etc. Any type of changed behavior that is not aimed at pleasing or benefiting your relationship. With all of that though, follow your gut. your gut is telling you that something isn't right and it's telling you that this could or is happening, therefore listen to it. Just Free yourself from all of it! Run and don't look back. Go 100% no contact. The mental and emotional abuse is not okay at all! Do not bring anything up to her. Don't try to rationalize or have a conversation about anything. Don't let her know that you know she's in narcissist. All of that can cause a narcissistic rage. If you have not yet witnessed one of those just trust me that you don't want to! A narcissistic rage is beyond any rage I have ever seen or witnessed in my entire life. I am an army combat veteran and served front lines for a year and afghanistan. I have abuse going back from as long as I can remember, the first time in my personal memory is 2 years old. With everything I have been involved in, and my rape, other sexual abuse, their physical abuse, etc in narcissistic rage is by far the worst! If you need to contact your local police department and start a new contact order. No one can protect you like you can! free yourself from it all and move forward in your life. The minute you run and go no contact is the minute your life begins again. If need be seek out professional help. Therapy is the best thing I did for myself. The best gift I gave to me! The abuse is so deep and overwhelming that having a professional guide you through the steps of the healing process is extremely beneficial! Just remember, there is great strength in asking for help. There is great lack and strength or no strength at all in putting on a mask and hiding behind the opinions of society and pretending that you are okay! As human beings we all witness A Time In our lives where we are not okay! Those that heal, move past, and move forward, and have a brighter future are those who ask for help and do the work that is needed through the help! I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish you the very best! Good luck! Always remember that you are stronger than you believe you are, you are worthy and deserving of better and always, and you are enough just the way you are and who you are today! Take this time for you! Get yourself again. Fix that meal that you're all time favorite, rent that movie you've been wanting to see, have a guys night out with your best friends, remodel a room in your home, go purchase that item you've been wanting to for so long, just do for yourself! Self-acceptance, self-love, and being able to forgive yourself is far more important than what anyone else can give to you! Believe in who you are! You deserve nothing less than that! You're not alone! Feel free to tag me in any other questions that you have! I'll help if I can. Additionally you can hire a cyber expert to help you get remote access to their phone so you can track them and monitor all of their activities without them knowing. You may locate the top cyber specialists locally at Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com, where you can engage a well-trained professional to assist you..........

    • @favouruche1028
      @favouruche1028 Před 25 dny +1

      Very nice point, but I'd love to point out something, when you mean sex, let's not forget that there are teenagers in the comment section too, a teenager refusing to have sex with his.or her partner doesn't make them narcissistic, we are Christians too. I'm just trying to say that you should point out your facts correctly so people won't misunderstand. So when you mean sex, you mean marriage right? Because normally sex outside marriage, it's wrong

    • @littleiodine9480
      @littleiodine9480 Před 22 dny +2

      @@favouruche1028That is your own belief. Keep your own kids off here and leave others alone. Strong people on here will not listen to your shame based bullying of someone that is helping the masses.

    • @bonnieriggs7350
      @bonnieriggs7350 Před 21 dnem +1

      So so true

    • @favouruche1028
      @favouruche1028 Před 12 dny

      @@littleiodine9480 Pardon me, I'm not married neither do I have kids, I'm a young adult, and what I was trying to say is that, on the sex issue, for her to complain about it means that she's married, unless if sex outside marriage is allowed in your culture or where you stay, So the young ones won't misinterprete that. Everything she said is correct, it's just for the young ones not to have the idea that sex before marriage is ideal. Period

    • @favouruche1028
      @favouruche1028 Před 12 dny

      @@littleiodine9480 and besides, the internet is for everyone including kids, what we do with it or how we manage it is what matters, so we should be careful of what we say or do here.

  • @junecarter9330
    @junecarter9330 Před měsícem +346

    Wow!! Empathy as a trauma/survival response!! That resonated with me for sure. I’ve tolerate so much bs in the name of empathy!!

    • @shirleyfrost9909
      @shirleyfrost9909 Před měsícem +14

      Agree June..my narc mother tried to destroy me, body and soul. She died 20 years ago and I'm still dealing with the cruel words and deeds.

    • @junecarter9330
      @junecarter9330 Před měsícem +8

      @@shirleyfrost9909 I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad that you survived what was intended to destroy you. I hope that you receive the strategies and healing that liberates you from the wounds of your past. 🙏🏾💖

    • @mariahconklin4150
      @mariahconklin4150 Před měsícem +8

      Me to it does get old doesn’t it? I’m the one who gives complements to be nice even if someone still hurts me I tend to get over things quickly

    • @P.Johanna
      @P.Johanna Před měsícem +3

      @@mariahconklin4150I’m the same! It’s so draining.

    • @user-kr9qv7zl4u
      @user-kr9qv7zl4u Před měsícem

      Can Dr.pores send to me in UK?

  • @user-anot53ou1
    @user-anot53ou1 Před měsícem +304

    These relationships are abusive relationships. By saying something is narcissistic, we need to remind ourselves that these behaviours are abuse. I would reframe this as abusive relationships. The term narcissistic often times gives the abuser an excuse for why they are abusive.

    • @kaoshi_kutie
      @kaoshi_kutie Před měsícem +31

      Really good point! They tend to be very abusive , highly manipulative and deceptive individuals. So glad for people like Dr Ramani who are spreading awareness and understanding ❤

    • @palapalak.8907
      @palapalak.8907 Před měsícem +4

      Facts!

    • @sherriflemming3218
      @sherriflemming3218 Před měsícem +24

      Disrespect and abuse is closure. No contact is the permanent solution!

    • @atirliag2833
      @atirliag2833 Před měsícem

      The marriage with a full on narc went for 25years, at the 20 year mark I received a breast cancer diagnosis, with the full treatment of mastectomy of the right breast, A chemo round the kind that my hair fell out, at this point I had no idea what Or who I was married to, next radiation then a letrozole 1 tablet per day, I still take that tablet, 5 years after that now I know exactly what I married, the stress of the devaluation stage I think it was this stage as he did not bother anymore with any pleasantries my hair was falling out, I still did not know I thought the cancer had came back. He actually complained that the cancer fxxxed me in the head. Everything changed from then, according to the narc, the cancer affected his life, he really baited me, and antagonised me more than ever, the sexual relations stopped then also. He gaslighted me into believing I was fxxxed in the head from the chemo, I was exhausted for the next five years still blaming the cancer, then I absolutely without a doubt caught him in a lie, from there the marriage fell off a cliff and smashed into a million pieces, he faked sickness and took a 8 day hospital visit with discharge papers reading no bleeding ulcers, not sure if this was his version of some kind of hoover, it was simply worse than cancer dealing with this creature is not human. He was removed from my house by police , I've been no contact for 7 months since August 2023, I found you tube and pages like this, getting the education, the last couple of weeks I have experienced days whith out anxiety and feeling like my old self, the education I received from channels like this, he ticked everybody, have no real proof of cheating, I'm excepting it came with the territory, and don't care actually, just so peaceful at home now, love my peace, I'm loving myself now at 61, looking forward to my peaceful future, life, and am completely open to life's treasures. I have had the luxury of no contact. Embracing the escalation yes.

    • @jennywarren
      @jennywarren Před měsícem +9

      It helps at first to know why, but it becomes draining and pointless after a while if you keep beating yourself up about it. It does help to know that that's just how they are and it's not personal. They just saw something beneficial, think of it that way.

  • @user-dc6wz4dv3l
    @user-dc6wz4dv3l Před měsícem +19

    This was very good. Leaving a narcissist is almost impossible. The reason why people don't leave their abusers is because the abuser has it set up where they assume it's impossible for their victim to leave and they remind their victim continually of this. That's why it's called abuse because your well-being and mind are harmed daily where it becomes hard to envision a way out. They keep you in their manipulative loop and exhaust you daily. They sometimes somehow make you feel sorry for them in the process. If and when you do leave you may have damaged all your faculties and the recovery is a long process especially if they start a post-separation campaign convincing everyone you've ever known you are the problem which in turn slows down your healing process and leaves you to heal alone. All of this is intentional they will do anything to hide their true lifestyle even projecting their lifestyle onto you. Thank you for your understanding it's a lonely road to travel but worth the freedom.

  • @LindaBarberBrown
    @LindaBarberBrown Před měsícem +23

    38 years married to one. I wish I had known this way back then. Thank you for trying to educate people before they have to live through HELL

    • @andrewbeckman7687
      @andrewbeckman7687 Před 16 dny

      What do narcissists expect in a long-term relationship?
      You will read on Quora, among the Bot accounts, and AI generated answers, that narcissists do not empathize, that they do not attach. This is of course specious nonsense - narcissists have fully functional negative empathy, and can attach to you negatively; the narcissist is ready and willing to hate you forever.
      Be careful who you let into your life, as some of your visitors may refuse to leave. You may wish to help someone, but help yourself first. It's better to be alone than attract the attention of the living dead, as just like the herpes they so often carry,
      narcissists are for life,I CALL THEM the THE “5 EFFS OF NARCISSISM” better known as the:
      “I DON’T GIVE 5 FLYING FUCKS” OF NARCISSISM”
      Fast-as in a Lightning Fast Connection. Everything moves fast. Pushing for sex the first time you’re alone. Then: “Hey, let’s move in together! Yeah, it’s only been a week but I love you.” Saying I love you fast. Like the second time you see them. Never leaving your side.
      Being with a covert narcissist is like having great cell-phone service on a cheap knockoff phone. You have a Lightning-fast Connection but without quality construction and good materials YOUR cheap phone will fall apart so fast it won’t matter how great your connection is.
      Favors-things you didn’t ask for. They ingratiate themselves with you. Buying your favorite foods, running to the store, let me help, let me get you this, let me do that. Paying for small things-drinks, cigarettes, fast food, never anything big. But things you never ask for.
      Coverts store these things up like long-lasting batteries in an Energizer Bunny and one day you’ll be expected to reciprocate. It’s now your turn to lovebomb them the way they lovebombed you at the beginning. When you don’t or won’t or can’t do this, the narcissist will turn on you suddenly and viciously.
      Fantasies-they create a fantasy world inhabited by exactly 2 people. You and the covert. In that world anything is possible. You’re rich and famous. You’re the most beautiful. Everyone is envious of you. And you’re expected to buy into the fantasy 200 percent.
      FANTASY ISLAND isn’t just a lame 70’s tv show. It’s where you and the covert narcissist live together. It’s where you both pretend the narcissist is perfect and superior. It’s where you pretend you don’t see all the godawful things he’s done to you.
      Finicky - everything is their way or the Highway. You can do nothing right after a certain point in the devaluation process. Coverts will pick you apart for breathing. For existing. They’ll provoke you into erupting with contempt towards them, then use your reaction to confirm their own cognitive distortions and wrong thinking about you. See? You are a shitty person. They knew that. You just treated them with the contempt they expected from you (you were only fighting back but that’s just semantics)
      Narcissists are like toddlers toting around a grownup body. And like most toddlers they can be FINICKY. Finicky Eaters are five-year-olds who refuse broccoli. A covert narcissist is finicky too-about your behavior, your tone, the mere hint of a double standard from you, whether you constantly meet their exacting standards of “fairness”, whether you utter sounds in the correct way to avoid offending their “royal person”, and whether you satisfactorily reorder your surroundings to best suit their comfort.
      You best be digging for those freezer-burnt chicken nuggets because there’s no way the Covert will ever eat the broccoli youre trying to FOIST on him.
      Finished - they will discard you in the most calloused and brutal way possible. In the end they’ll blame you for everything and treat you like shit and ghost you. They will smear you to anyone and everyone. They will make you sound Utterly Insane. Completely batshit crazy. On top of all of this, they will be seethingly angry with YOU when they tortured you for months or years.
      FINES. FINISHED. GONE. GHOSTED. YA BURNT. IT’S OVER. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE. I’M ONLY HERE BECAUSE YOU BEGGED ME TO STAY. LET IT GO ALREADY. YOU’RE PATHETIC. LOVE YOU? I DONT LOVE YOU. I DON’T EVEN LIKE YOU.
      You start out thinking you found the nicest person in the world. You begin by thinking you’ve found your soul mate.
      YOU end pondering how broke you are and wondering if you can buy a bullet and rent a gun.
      Don’t do that.
      Do exactly why you’re doing.
      Get on Quora. Read. Let knowledge lift you out of the poverty of human decency you’ve been existing in.
      Let the victims of narcissistic abuse lift you up with the common experiences we all share.
      At the end of covert abuse, or while it’s still happening, the worst part is feeling completely alone.
      Quora let’s you know you’re not alone.
      There are thousands of people just like you who have suffered at the hands of narcissists.
      They’ve suffered, but more importantly, they made it through the wilderness, regained their lives and took control of their destinies.
      AND TODAY THEY ARE THRIVING.

  • @shellbell8062
    @shellbell8062 Před měsícem +446

    I remember that loss of identity so clearly when I left my narcissistic husband. I had no idea of who I was anymore. Before that relationship I was always someone who loved clothing and dressing well, so I took myself off to Topshop (still in my twenties) to treat myself. I remember looking around thinking "what do I like? who am I? What is my style?" I really had no idea. I felt completely lost, like I had lost my whole identity. It took years to get myself back; and now I am so sure of who I am, and happy with who I am - more than most. I think when you have gone through this and done all of the painstaking work (that takes years) you actually end up with a stronger sense of self than most.

    • @annjohnson8437
      @annjohnson8437 Před měsícem +11

      Whew! That sounds so familiar!

    • @crystalH30
      @crystalH30 Před měsícem +7

      Did you suffer from anxiety of any sort?

    • @shellbell8062
      @shellbell8062 Před měsícem

      Yes, especially social anxiety. If you have lost your sense of self you feel like an alien in social situaitons. I smoked weed and self isolated for a long time to numb out. @@crystalH30

    • @MagicShiny
      @MagicShiny Před měsícem

      ​@@crystalH30 for me yes. but less and less with time. it s been 11 months only. but i m healing. I m not looking for news and i have no pictures. i cut everything. Sometimes i m watching myself still doing something for him some cloths he liked and then realise it s a mistake and i m starting a anxiety spiral. i have to take a walk or run and repeat myself, that now i m safe.

    • @aussiemom3559
      @aussiemom3559 Před měsícem +4

      My ex was only dx with NPD because of marital counseling. Never would have gone on his own.

  • @rokoroo
    @rokoroo Před měsícem +304

    I had a person in a help group who had recently left a narcissistic relationship and then the narcissist died. She was asking how to feel about that, and several people were saying to forgive the narcissist, but I told her it's ok to hate him even if he's dead. He did terrible things to you, and just because he died, that doesn't relieve him of the responsibility for having done those things. She thanked me profusely and it seemed to have helped her a lot to know that she wasn't a bad person for not forgiving him.

    • @middleofnowhere1313
      @middleofnowhere1313 Před měsícem +37

      Forgiveness must be earned. I would never recommend someone to just give it away as a door prize either. The popular advice to do so is toxic af.

    • @P.Johanna
      @P.Johanna Před měsícem +17

      Forgiveness is for the perpetrator not the victim. That’s what society especially Bible thumpers have wrong.

    • @gtaylor6937
      @gtaylor6937 Před měsícem

      @@middleofnowhere1313 100% agree. Succumbing to pressure to forgive traumatizes you all over again - is toxic AF indeed. I wish there was a vaccine to cure people of this ridiculous idea. It's virtue signaling on an obscene scale.

    • @robbrewer2036
      @robbrewer2036 Před měsícem +11

      Yep hopefully the devil got them and the pitch fork is sharp.

    • @ainerisakhellchannel
      @ainerisakhellchannel Před měsícem +2

      👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽✅✅

  • @elizabethtovar3603
    @elizabethtovar3603 Před měsícem +39

    This makes so much sense... biblical scripture constantly and consistently says ‘humble yourself’, ‘humble yourself’, ‘humble yourself’... ‘consider others better than yourself’... ‘a friend is willing to die for another’... ‘pride comes before the fall’. It says Satan’s downfall was his pride. He is the ultimate narcissist. Creating little narcissists whenever and wherever he can.

    • @manojajacob8769
      @manojajacob8769 Před měsícem +1

      The Pharsees n king saul are typical example

    • @kaitlincox9714
      @kaitlincox9714 Před měsícem +3

      Absolutely!!! Look at the story of nabal and Abigail. God protected her. Even Jacob was a narc. Look at how he manipulated his dad and brother. How he treated his wife Leah vs his favorite wife Rachel. It's described so many places in God's word. I believe He opened my eyes to see the evil. He is strengthening me. Even though I feel broken Jesus is Faithful. If the story isn't good, then the story isn't done.

    • @teresadvorak6145
      @teresadvorak6145 Před 18 dny

      I was reading somewhere, there is a demon named narciss. There is other demons with names also. There is a demon named sarcas. Those 2 d names right there sure sound like the roots of narcissism & sarcasm! I do not like them. My heart & soul belong to Jesus ❤❤❤❤❤

  • @Shhimasecret
    @Shhimasecret Před měsícem +13

    I got out of a 13 almost 14 year “relationship” with someone who’s this exact way. The feelings I felt were exactly this. I abandoned my entire self. I was a shell. I’m now with an amazing man who consistently treats me amazing, who is validating, who truly cares about me and supports me. They are out there!! Do whatever you have to do to leave. Even if you have kids(I have 1 with my ex) it’s hard but it’s worth every moment!

  • @Amaje311
    @Amaje311 Před měsícem +308

    Dr. Ramani probably saved my life. Thought I was going crazy and I was so broken, I thought everything that went wrong in my familial relationships was my fault because they told me so. The grief was overwhelming when I finally saw the truth and realized the family I thought I had was all in my head. Narc mother, golden child brother and sister, then me bending over backwards to please everyone--the scapegoat. I am so tired, emotionally and psychologically. I am so tired.

    • @c.ronthemic7450
      @c.ronthemic7450 Před měsícem +18

      Hope you are doing well, and are able to get through the storm. 🙏

    • @mariahconklin4150
      @mariahconklin4150 Před měsícem +15

      Omg sounds just like my life! My dad left my mom and I have a half sister now and a step mother and my half sister is like this golden child and now my brother is he went from being agnostic to a fake Christian and is a predator. I’ve told my mom multiple times about him and she just ignores me. She wants an apology from me and I won’t give it to her. She says she has apologized plenty of times no it’s always bs. She says, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” That’s not an apology. And I’m just the dumb people pleaser and I’m over it

    • @dmix2263
      @dmix2263 Před měsícem +15

      Love yourself.. self care
      You can heal. Focus on the people you can love

    • @MT-tx7bu
      @MT-tx7bu Před měsícem +11

      I wanted to tell you, you're not alone in that. I had to come to the same conclusion. I'm many years into it and, although they've reached out, I no longer hold them up to the degree that I did. I just live my own life and put the energy into that. Best wishes to you! Stay strong

    • @kaylees1072
      @kaylees1072 Před měsícem +8

      I get this. I'm the oldest sister aka the family manager and I got coerced into taking on everyone's problems with family deaths, cancer diagnoses, and drug addicts in the family. I took all this on while going through a divorce.

  • @vickibazter3446
    @vickibazter3446 Před měsícem +257

    TRAUMA BOND. Its like STOCKHOLM SYNDROME.

    • @user-ok5bz6bd9b
      @user-ok5bz6bd9b Před měsícem +19

      It is helping and doing favor for the abuser without understanding why, it is wondering for years why i m doing that? why i can not stop? why i m Afraid ? why this relationship is so powerful while i know something is wrong and i have to leave? Why i feel like zombie alive but dead at the same time ? Why i m like someone hypnotysed i want to leave but i can not i can not move? Like Stockholm syndrome no control of my actions, Sense of being in Fairytale or dream or nightmare, sense of surreality.

    • @tammycharles742
      @tammycharles742 Před měsícem +4

      Totally

    • @TranscendingTrauma
      @TranscendingTrauma Před měsícem +9

      @@user-ok5bz6bd9b exactly! Years ago when I was married to a narcissist, I felt all those things you just said, and it was before anyone was talking about narcissism and trauma bonding and I thought I feel like I have Stockholm syndrome!

    • @TaylorElizabethHunt
      @TaylorElizabethHunt Před měsícem +8

      Cptsd

    • @SarTafoolya
      @SarTafoolya Před měsícem +6

      Agree completely! At one point I was told by a very close friend that what was going on with me sounded like I was suffering with Stockholm syndrome I looked it up and it changed the way I looked at him! I was helping my abuser for years.

  • @eleverett77
    @eleverett77 Před měsícem +13

    My life has been wasted with narcissist abuse, there's nothing worse than being alone and feeling that you're a ghost who use to smile!

  • @x-2954
    @x-2954 Před měsícem +173

    The confusion you experience while with a covert narcissist is indescribable. I've had boyfriends that were abusive but it's just so different. CN are so convincing that not only will the things they do break your heart but it completely throws u off because it's something u can't even picture them doing. If that makes sense. They make u believe they are a certain kind of person not capable of doing the things that your ex's did or what would hurt u most. That's what's so confusing then they blame u somehow because it's always your fault. I have been with a covert narcissist for 10yrs. No matter how many times I have been through the cycle or seen him rage I still can't picture it when he is love bombing me. Its the craziest thing. I guess everyone is different but for me the constant state of confusion is the absolute worst and most abusive part. But there are plenty other ways they abuse their partners… Withholding and silent treatment. You feel like your going to explode inside. Mine does this so I freak out and then he can blame me for the argument. Physically abusive. When a CN feels trapped they will do anything they can to regain that power and control. Or take something from you what u won't give them. Sexually abusive. Blaming u for watching porn, sex shaming u, withholding sex, having sex with u while your asleep. Blaming you for everything. Blaming you for having to blame you! Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...

    • @GracyWambui
      @GracyWambui Před 16 dny +1

      Wow….seems like a story I have lived

    • @keeyta333
      @keeyta333 Před 15 dny

      This is so relatable!

    • @Shannon1250
      @Shannon1250 Před 15 dny +1

      I definitely relate. All of it dose this investigator really work?

    • @x-2954
      @x-2954 Před 14 dny

      @@Shannon1250 of course 💯

    • @magsl8793
      @magsl8793 Před 13 dny

      ❤❤❤

  • @c.ronthemic7450
    @c.ronthemic7450 Před měsícem +216

    “A mentally healthy person has slot of flexibility in their psyche” what a game changer, this points everything into perspective all the things i knew, but now know.🙏

    • @lallasultana1037
      @lallasultana1037 Před měsícem

      Yes

    • @lpine4211
      @lpine4211 Před měsícem +1

      That's exactly it! That's how you know.... 🙏

    • @CoffeeNLiveMusicLiaison
      @CoffeeNLiveMusicLiaison Před měsícem +2

      it’s ESSENTIAL: flexibility. a key to life game. stay teachable. be flexible

    • @tiffany392002
      @tiffany392002 Před 18 dny

      Wow ! Definitely a gamer-changer because most don’t have this slot of flexibility in basic communication let alone a relationship.😩

    • @chelseapalmer4501
      @chelseapalmer4501 Před 16 dny

      I never thought of that, good point 😊

  • @wisdomworker7481
    @wisdomworker7481 Před měsícem +247

    I went through all of this with no guidance. It forever changed me. There aren't words for the pain. Never again. Never. ❤

    • @cherylnathanodette
      @cherylnathanodette Před měsícem +7

      Oh I hope you are alright, seek help if you are suffering.

    • @carole9409
      @carole9409 Před měsícem +7

      I resonate. ❤ I've heard it called the "Dark Night of the Soul" from PTSD. to Peace 😊 # Education # No Contact!

    • @lynnebucher6537
      @lynnebucher6537 Před měsícem +5

      I totally understand where you are coming from. I'm not the same since my last relationship, which was with a narcissist with BPD combined, as far as I can tell.

    • @wisdomworker7481
      @wisdomworker7481 Před měsícem +2

      @@lynnebucher6537 we learn and we grow. It's all we can do. ❤

    • @carole9409
      @carole9409 Před měsícem +1

      Your words resonate with me. No words for the pain! It's changed me. Betrayal/abuse I would not wish on anyone! # healing. Namaste 🙏 ❤

  • @stefansoder6903
    @stefansoder6903 Před měsícem +6

    That's so true. You think "why the hell was I so nice to him/her?" All you did for them and only got hell back...

  • @DavidVelasquez9
    @DavidVelasquez9 Před měsícem +220

    Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it

    • @ManyWeidman
      @ManyWeidman Před měsícem

      there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things

    • @DavidVelasquez9
      @DavidVelasquez9 Před měsícem +1

      its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.

    • @ManyWeidman
      @ManyWeidman Před měsícem

      this is helpful, I will look her up. I hope this works for me too, I really miss her.

    • @DavidVelasquez9
      @DavidVelasquez9 Před měsícem

      If you look up Shelly Renee White online, you will find all the information you need. Thank you.

    • @yviwo8122
      @yviwo8122 Před 2 dny

      In a relationship with a narcissist there is no solution. Except losing yourself, your confidence and getting hurt by the other person anyways seems to be a solution for you.

  • @basicbase749
    @basicbase749 Před měsícem +49

    Narcissism is deeply embedded in south asian, east European, middle eastern and Indian culture. Traditional good women are the biggest target for narcs! They love how serving and giving those women are, narcs love it. South asian culture has this normalized for generations, it’s not even looked at as weird. Women who create boundaries are tagged as selfish and bad women. Women are expected to embrace a life of suffering in silence

    • @elizabethf9096
      @elizabethf9096 Před 26 dny +1

      That’s very sad glad you were awakened to it ❤️

    • @Analysis_Paralysis
      @Analysis_Paralysis Před 23 dny

      @@elizabethf9096 It's not better in Western societies. Men in Western societies are simply more covert, passive-aggressive and manipulative than other men. I hope you will awaken to that truth someday. 💖

    • @MK-wb1vu
      @MK-wb1vu Před 19 dny +1

      So sad 😢🙏🏾♥️

  • @thozamabusakwe5608
    @thozamabusakwe5608 Před měsícem +224

    Narcissists are sometimes pseudo-empathetic, even beyond the winning you over. I know one who speaks in a low tone, never yells asks you how you are doing but its all to check boxes and to make you feel bad each time you even think they are a "bad" person. Something about this personality trait feels premeditated and dangerous

    • @mamababy7708
      @mamababy7708 Před měsícem +1

      Hi, can I ask what do u mean by premeditated and dangerous?

    • @healthbar8439
      @healthbar8439 Před měsícem

      ​@@mamababy7708it means they know how to control their tones of voice which is apart of the manipulation tactics. They are dangerous because they are acting and have developed the skill of mastering deception thru masking their intention and their true feelings.
      Pretending to authentically care when they don't. Pretending to not be angry (calm tone) yet are truly angry inside. Those people are dangerous because they intent is to harm you by extracting information from you in order to cause harm, not to cause joy or elevate you.

    • @healthbar8439
      @healthbar8439 Před měsícem +52

      ​​@@mamababy7708 premeditated indicates they planned on pretending to care and show empathy (they planned out being fake). They are dangerous because their false empathy is only to gain something from you which more than likely will cause hurt. It's like the bible says, the devil comes as a form of light (he knows some truth yet only comes to steal, kill, destroy)

    • @ST-yc7uj
      @ST-yc7uj Před měsícem

      @@healthbar8439 this descrihes a covert narcissist

    • @avaagolli2259
      @avaagolli2259 Před měsícem

      @@healthbar8439you have put it so accurately -

  • @SheExudesConfidence
    @SheExudesConfidence Před 25 dny +2

    Often times, it’s not about forgiving the person, but rather it’s about forgiving yourself for putting yourself in that position.

  • @joeathisbest2
    @joeathisbest2 Před měsícem +19

    Got outta a 9 year relationship with a narcissist. I bought into me always being the issue, her having so much control over what I do, what I say, and who I hang out with. I was always walking on eggshells and became this lifeless person cause I was afraid that whatever I do or say was gonna cause an argument. I became super depressed and got on medication for it. With the help of a therapist, I was able to eventually figure out what was going on. Therapist knew she was a narcissist but needed me to figure it out on my own. Which I did! Now, this is literally the happiest I've been in I can't even remember how long! I'm off my depression meds and I feel so good happy and clear minded! I'm now going on solo trips to other states and literally having the best trips ever!!! My new life quote is to "stop fearing, start living" . Don't be scared to stand up for yourself! Stop playing it safe, don't be scared to try something new. This was super powerful video

  • @NoorRoxana
    @NoorRoxana Před měsícem +79

    “If i let this person in again, i know they’ll do it again”…. Damn i needed to hear that. And i do also believe you don’t need to forgive them to move on.

  • @andreimj
    @andreimj Před měsícem +167

    Dr Ramani saved my life. Her new book It's Not You is a gamechanger in the healing paradigm. Understanding narcissism is now the key for living a peaceful and happy life.

    • @JayShettyPodcast.
      @JayShettyPodcast.  Před měsícem +8

      Agreed! ❤

    • @goldenautumn3073
      @goldenautumn3073 Před měsícem +1

      I believe forgiveness only in fact encourages the narc to 'lock in' again to your relationship with them, and enable the abuse and control to continue. This is no 'ordinary' disorder - it's sick, vile, and totally obsessive. They once locked people away who could not operate safely and with respect to others in society: I believe NPD certainly is now at almost plague proportions and similar control should be implemented, for the safety of everyone ELSE in society. LONG after you've gotten away from the narc who's taken control of YOUR life, you find you then can 'forgive' on an intellectual level - but go them and tell them about that? NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.

  • @pinkyalmeroth3702
    @pinkyalmeroth3702 Před měsícem +13

    We're all evolving. 25 years ago we didn't even have a term for those microabuses or gaslighting. My stepmum always made sly comments, tones, looks, one liners that didn't seem overly abusive so you never did anything, you never even had a term for what it was she was doing. Now we have all grown in intelligence and experience and we now know what she was doing was abuse to me and she was probably a narcissist. I'm so glad we are all so aware.
    I love Dr Ramani. She's helped me so much

  • @cella-di5jb
    @cella-di5jb Před 14 dny +5

    Proudly a survivor 🙌, is it the gaslighting, loss of identity, questioning who you are, low self esteem, the list goes on...the emotional abuse hurts more than the physical & verbal 😢. Thankful for liberation 🙏
    I am healing and getting better everyday 💕
    I can never go back to what broke me 👌
    I detect red flags from a mile & just take a walk, my mental health is my top priority
    I have regained my self esteem & I love me with reckless abandon 😘
    I add value to the world & I have so much more to offer

  • @autumn4115
    @autumn4115 Před měsícem +94

    Dr Ramani will never ever ever know just how much she has helped me. May God bless her will all that she needs and wants.❤

  • @superpoodlehead
    @superpoodlehead Před měsícem +42

    “I don’t know who I am anymore” My biggest takeaway is being validated from this video. I couldn’t figure it out by myself. Thank you ❤

    • @JayShettyPodcast.
      @JayShettyPodcast.  Před měsícem +4

      ❤❤❤

    • @superpoodlehead
      @superpoodlehead Před měsícem

      @@JayShettyPodcast. CZcams algorithm just shared Prof Sam Vaknin’s channel with me today. His years of research on narcissism is groundbreaking, brilliant, and pragmatic about the disorder. It defies some of today’s assumptions and misconceptions about narcissism. Please watch and interview him! czcams.com/video/-bF2NyJ-ouI/video.htmlsi=4gi4paQxnCjT1A-B
      Prof Sam Vaknin

  • @ellobo1326
    @ellobo1326 Před 17 dny +3

    Dr. Ramani is literally a LIFE saver. Not that every victim of a narcissistic relationship is in danger of physically losing their life. But every victim is in danger of losing every other aspect of being human. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all that you do.

  • @nor078
    @nor078 Před měsícem +4

    I’m in tears watching this. The damage caused by the man I loved, a narcissist, who discarded me like I was worthless has broken me into pieces. I’m struggling to heal myself. Dr Ramani has articulated perfectly my ex’s character and what I experienced in my relationship with him. 💔

  • @babrdwod7464
    @babrdwod7464 Před měsícem +115

    Social media played a huge role in creating a currency out of attention hence catalyst to narcissistic behavior.

    • @mightymouse1005
      @mightymouse1005 Před měsícem +16

      Absolutely
      SELFIE.....
      Back before social media, I don't remember anyone taking and developing pics of their meals, a new outfit or activity and snail mailing it to everyone they know

    • @brynne77
      @brynne77 Před měsícem +3

      Can youi explain what you just said? What do you mean by 'creating currency out of attention'?

    • @mightymouse1005
      @mightymouse1005 Před měsícem +9

      @@brynne77 currency out of attention would be , the likes and comments
      Ya see it all the time, maybe someone posts a pic with something like "I wish I was pretty " all the comments are about how beautiful and wonderful the person is. Attention is addictive.
      We're raising generations of narcissists by constantly posting them, ball games, school events, medical issues etc. Kids are being taught that everything should be everyone's business and constant positive comments are feeding the narcissist need of affirmation and attention. When I was a kid, family and friends typically knew your business. Parents didn't call everyone they knew about it. There is NO privacy in kids lives

    • @tammycharles742
      @tammycharles742 Před měsícem +3

      Someone craving attention on social media has zero to do with the trauma an actual narcissist puts their partner through.

    • @normarndelathassologenesis2967
      @normarndelathassologenesis2967 Před měsícem +1

      No, it only helped expose the worst ones because they're drawn to the attention. Most people have some narcissistic tendencies, what this doctor is talking about is more serious pathology. Humans were using, abusing, and chasing clout in good numbers long before the internet. The subjects of most fine art are the same exact things as the pics posted online, just as selfies are just the glamour portraits our grammas took made ore easily accessible for us to replicate.

  • @ericameyerchandelieralves
    @ericameyerchandelieralves Před měsícem +40

    Once you are hit with the reality of this type of toxic relationship and you finally see the real them, that's when we really feel so sad and happy at the same time. We really feel sorry for this sick person and we can't go back to living the lie. So you become cold towards them and it feels so bad to protect your own heart. But it is necessary. You're not a bad person for putting yourself 1st and to not accept their nonsense anymore. We can feel empathy towards them and feel disgust at the same time. It's ok. It's fine. I stopped interacting with this person and slowly just became unavailable to them. I couldn't let them go as I was not able to. Eventhough I didn't want them anymore. So I just became boring and unavailable and lived my own life I wanted and tried to be who I wanted to be without them, until they eventually discarded me for good and I was free.

    • @Fay1106
      @Fay1106 Před měsícem +1

      So real

    • @2021noname
      @2021noname Před měsícem +8

      You feel grief too, for losing the person who you potentially thought was really there but who was only pretending to be good

    • @MercyIkechukwu-hw8cx
      @MercyIkechukwu-hw8cx Před dnem +2

      I want to come back and read this, if you see this, just like, I need this reminder, be cold and unavailable

    • @lilycee2583
      @lilycee2583 Před dnem +1

      I felt this one

  • @chrissyboo7903
    @chrissyboo7903 Před 20 dny +5

    I've never agreed with forgiveness. I believe in letting that person go and moving on, and most of all, learning from that mistake and never making it again.

  • @danyellemilligan690
    @danyellemilligan690 Před měsícem +2

    It doesnt matter if you say "my partner is a narcissist" or "my partner has NPD" drop that in a practioners office and YOU'RE the problem. I just went through it. And was told "you read too much." No, I'm begging for help and 3 days ago you told me you had an extensive background with partners with narcissism and npd. Now im the issue. Awesome.

  • @mollyd.359
    @mollyd.359 Před měsícem +97

    Helped me to understand that you dont need to forgive a person who abuses you! So many times a therapist or leader has said, forgiveness is for you not them. Holding onto this will never heal you. Also you know better than them, they are sick. How can you forgive someone who has ruined part of your life you can never get back!? I've always said, I dont hold hate for them but I will never forgive them. Forgiveness is saying they are sorry and wish they didnt say or do this to you. They dont feel that way...they continue to hurt people. No forgiveness here and it doesnt bother me.

    • @Anon-ct5fb
      @Anon-ct5fb Před měsícem +5

      I agree :) for forgiveness, someone needs to be sorry. I always say this. I might let it go, yes it would be a lie if I said it doesn’t affect me. Yes it bothers me and that is how I shape myself now: I know who I wanna be or who I am. But I don’t forget it it’s so so important to distinguish it all

    • @mday3821
      @mday3821 Před měsícem +5

      Narcissists never say they're sorry and mean it & they sure in the heck don't make things right."
      Personally, I hope to forgive my mother, but I just can't and won't, for now!
      Let's focus on healing and maybe someday we'll get there & maybe we won't and that's okay.

    • @OnsKleinGezinnetje
      @OnsKleinGezinnetje Před měsícem +3

      Forgiveness is an illusion. ❤

    • @katjabier4155
      @katjabier4155 Před měsícem +5

      I thought that I had to forgive, in order to heal, because of the school of thought that advocates this belief. This talk helped me realise that I've let go, that I became indifferent to what was happening to my mother, but I've not forgiven. And that feels right to me: I forgive people who have done wrong because they made a mistake but are otherwise decent people. Forgiveness is extending grace towards someone else, who will take it and make better choices as a result. Forgiveness cannot take place when the other person has no intention of ever making kinder choices as a result of my forgiveness. I've let my mother go, and I've worked through the trauma, so that I can lead a healthy life but forgiveness has had no part in that journey.

    • @sreejan8385
      @sreejan8385 Před měsícem +4

      Forgiveness never happens fully … we will move on without them … that’s all

  • @alishainc
    @alishainc Před měsícem +50

    When she said "We think we're better than grief" I sat with that. Losing vision to legal blindness I've felt it's never just the loss of but the loss of the ideals, future, sense of self in a deep way.

  • @annesmith8700
    @annesmith8700 Před měsícem +5

    Eventually you do disengage. If you’re there long enough it’s inevitable. You just learn not to be empathetic to the narcissist and better at recognisingit in others. I don’t have a lot of empathy for narcissists. None.

  • @jibarabicha4853
    @jibarabicha4853 Před měsícem +5

    Learning something new. This was the most empowering thing I did as woman, building a set of IKEA furniture for my new place, going back to hobbies that I was held back from. After years of being doubted and broken down, today I feel unstoppable.

    • @sarahgoodwin6475
      @sarahgoodwin6475 Před měsícem +1

      And this is just the beginning of your journey! All the love and hugs to you. You are a survivor ❤️ 😊 x

  • @jemcat0003
    @jemcat0003 Před měsícem +45

    What resonates with me is how I now understand the concept of what I don't know, I don't know. My mother was a narcissist to the T and thus I married a Narcissist. I just didn't know better. It's horribly embarrassing and I am ashamed that I didn't know better however I can now see that I can become a better me because of Dr. Ramani. I CAN be a happy person. I journal to recognize my growth and further foster my confidence. Thank you both from the bottom of my heart.

    • @palalechat
      @palalechat Před měsícem +6

      Same. The long parade of abusive people that started with my mother who I let walk all over me saddens me so much now that I understand what happened. I'm so glad to be able to at least now have some degree of safety thanks to teachers like Dr. Ramani.

    • @mrsherwood2599
      @mrsherwood2599 Před měsícem +6

      Our families groomed us.

    • @victorial1982
      @victorial1982 Před měsícem +1

      Same here. In hand-sight I found out I was able to be with a narcissist for that long because the behavior was familiar. The stress levels, walking on eggshells, ups and downs was familiar from my mother.

  • @Ariehkim
    @Ariehkim Před měsícem +49

    How serendipitous. I just fully accepted two days ago that my father is a narcissist. I wrote it down, had a whole purging, grieving process that night, and the next morning, I woke up feeling so empowered. It felt like I had fully reclaimed myself and my confidence and identity. Because I was honest with myself. Of course, I've been working on resolving and letting go of my trauma and learning to love my inner child over the past few years. This did not just all happen overnight. But a big, and what feels like a perhaps final part of this particular healing journey did happen this past week. Thank you, Jay, for your podcast. It's been a huge part of my healing journey. And a huge thank you to Dr. Ramani. This has been so helpful and so moving. Literally got chills when we were affirmed, this empathic part of us is beautiful and needs to be preserved. Thank you for this beautiful reminder.
    - A person healing themselves

    • @africanprincessmaya
      @africanprincessmaya Před měsícem +1

      once you get honest with yourself, thats all you need. for me, i made a video on my channel called when you think youre crazy. yiall will love it

  • @sstritmatter2158
    @sstritmatter2158 Před 27 dny +1

    I’ll tell you - years ago I was very hurt by a woman. I hadn’t met this “type” of person before. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t understand it. It was RELIEVING to discover (I wasn’t even looking for it) but I saw some videos that came up randomly and I realized what this was about - covert narcissism. It was extremely healing to me, though I had been long over this relationship, it was valuable to see how the puzzle pieces all fit together. It’s like getting bit by an animal you had never seen before, you would be glad to at least know what it was. I do think this needs to be done and it is not for labeling, but when people are seeing any consistent signs to understand and get out of it. If it is used this way, it is helpful and if people are sensitive and things like that, well that’s the world. It is more valuable to be aware, and not having read this book, it sounds like it is a great read and useful.

  • @scwd-wd
    @scwd-wd Před měsícem

    I owe so much healing and reflection over the last 2 years of my life to Dr. Ramani. Every video or podcast I listen to, something clicks… something finally makes sense, I get an answer to one of my “WTF’s” from my 23 year marriage.

  • @ligiasommers
    @ligiasommers Před měsícem +116

    Dr Ramini helped me so much giving me information and courage to leave an abusive relationship 🙏🏻🌹✨🙏🏻

  • @Bippi-kj3tu
    @Bippi-kj3tu Před měsícem +70

    One way to describe forgiveness is remembering without anger. It is being free of resentment within myself. Forgiveness absolutely does not mean to let them back in my life-no way. It's having a sense of peacefulness that I have overcome the impact of what they did. In my opinon, when I was free of anger/resentment/hurt/pain, I was able to open my heart back up to let others close to me because, through my healing, I knew that I would overcome any hurt I might experience in the future. And from this definition, I do have to feel forgiveness.

    • @osajohnson1957
      @osajohnson1957 Před měsícem +7

      This is powerful. "...forgiveness is remembering without anger." thank you.

    • @miles6766
      @miles6766 Před měsícem +1

      Exactly… well said. thank you

    • @lorriebrown1243
      @lorriebrown1243 Před 24 dny

      Her aversion to the concept of forgiveness is a defense mechanism because she refuses to accept that it I'd now okay to let go of a terrible unfortunate experience she had no control of

    • @tippibippi3881
      @tippibippi3881 Před 24 dny

      @@lorriebrown1243 I think a lot of people believe that their resentment is prevention and protection against further harm but instead it falsely tells the self that they cannot recover from further hurt. On the other hand, forgiveness is a reminder that I CAN move on from whatever is done in the future. I can then live and love with a big old open heart! You are insightful, @lorriebrown!!

    • @Analysis_Paralysis
      @Analysis_Paralysis Před 23 dny +1

      This is all so wrong! The condescending way for some to define "forgiveness" for others is such an arrogant impulse. As Dr. Ramani said, forgiveness is very subjective.
      I used to be very forgiving and empathetic towards my abusers a few years ago, none of what's said here in this thread is true. I was forgiving because I had NOT healed and I hadn't found my self-respect. It left a door open to abuse.
      I have now closed that door. I am forgiving towards non-abusive people, but not towards people who intentionally harm others and demand that they get away with harm, maniuplation and deceit. That's just enabling. The only person you have to forgive in the context of abuse is yourself. Forgive yourself for allowing this to happen, forgive yourself for abandoning yourself.

  • @michelledelucia5414
    @michelledelucia5414 Před měsícem +1

    Amazing , Dr Ramani ..I'm not sure you know how important your work is to so many of us. Your words ,your examples and your passion to extend your time to so many of us who feel empty, ,confused, vulnerable ,sad, lied to and lost. When I read others comments ..I ask why are people like this. I'm 65 how could someone treat another person so poorly at this time of our life. They seem so honest, trustworthy, loving and then one day they're bored , done with you and toss you to the curb. I wish your words weren't true ......Thank you for all you do , grateful !

  • @sherryzhang2454
    @sherryzhang2454 Před měsícem +2

    This video made me cry. I have learned to turn off my light to stay safe around my stepmother and it spilled into other areas of my life. I feel like a show off hence so vulnerable when I share my success or even when I'm a bit more expressive. It so nice to hear you saying "the world needs you to turn on the light". It means a lot

  • @mcsshroff2498
    @mcsshroff2498 Před měsícem +31

    Dr. Ramani addressed one very important issue which I personally was going through about still feeling empathetic and sorry for the narcissist and she is so right that humanity alive in us needs to be protected I felt I was a fool to feel empathetic for the narcissistt but my counselor told me that it comes from a very pure place in my heart.

    • @appaloosa42
      @appaloosa42 Před 23 dny

      Yes. But I have empathy for the handicapped kids she’s feeding off… and all the unwitting flying monkeys that support her!

    • @JamesThomas-530
      @JamesThomas-530 Před 16 dny

      🎉I can relate

  • @akeem8242
    @akeem8242 Před měsícem +46

    Damn this is so spot on having being married to one and happily divorced. Everything she is saying is spot on from my perspective and also unfortunately my daughter as well. I didn’t know this exactly before hand but listening to her break it down, I realize I have been right this entire time just didn’t know I was. Thank you to you both Dr Ramani and Jay!

  • @pault9544
    @pault9544 Před měsícem +3

    I'm so happy to be alive during Dr. Ramani's existence. She is truly an expert in the field and one of the most knowledgeable people on narcissism.

  • @dianejefferies
    @dianejefferies Před měsícem +1

    I've listened to many Dr Ramani's podcasts... she is amazing, her advice & understanding is incredibly helpful & enlightening. This interview is one of my favorites! Those of us who have suffered narcissistic abuse, she has saved my sanity & on the road to healing. Love her!❤

  • @lynharry699
    @lynharry699 Před měsícem +25

    Dr Ramani’s reply to Jay’s last question (53.37min) really resonated with me. Fruit dying on the vine, all the potential & gifts ‘rotting & unrealised’ behind gates, because of invalidation… 31 years in a narcissistic & alcoholic relationship. When Dr Ramani said “we need all of your gifts in this world” and “open those gates so we can see all of this beautiful stuff that you can bring into the world” I started crying, because I had a vision of those gates flying open… finally… I have so much to give, so much I’ve been holding back, so much guilt because I know what I should be doing & haven’t been able to. So thank you Dr Ramani & Jay for this very important message, you are helping so many survivors around the world to reclaim their potential & find who they really are after the trauma of narcissistic & emotional abuse.

    • @shellyseekinghealth
      @shellyseekinghealth Před měsícem +1

      For me it was 32 years with a covert narc.

    • @LauraDinh-ui6rd
      @LauraDinh-ui6rd Před měsícem +2

      I’ve lost 35 years of a toxic marriage and finally had the courage to leave because of Dr.Ramani
      Thank you for waking me up from a lifetime of nightmares
      It’s only been 4 months of no contact and I can finally breathe 🙏

  • @virginiavictorio1369
    @virginiavictorio1369 Před měsícem +17

    Dr. Ramani was on point about a narcissist behavior. I'm still healing after 5 years, still suffering through the PTSD. We are no longer together and we are both married to other people now and when I meet someone that has this type of behavior, it gives me triggers and I get really disgusted. I'm very selective of who I invite into my life because this narcissist that I was with was someone from high school that I met at 16. He knew all my friends and family, but he didn't look like he was abusive. That is what my friends said, I replied with you can't put a face on this behavior. You have to experience it to understand how a person can manipulate you, use you, drain you mentally, physically and financially. He only thought of himself and yelled at his parents and disrespected a lot of people. My son had to stand up and go off on him to where he stopped the verbal abuse, but when my son wasn't around his behavior was the same. He said he would change, he changed for 2 weeks at a time. He wouldn't let me leave, so I waited until he did. He finally left and the following day, he was already engaged with his family planning everything for his engagement and wedding. I know that he inherited his mothers behavior because what he did to me, is what she did with her husband (his dad) He couldn't even leave the marriage and he was an attorney. I could go on, but the trauma that this holds, I'm still healing. I do have a psychiatrist that I see that helps me with my anxiety, depression and insomnia but I feel that its not enough sometimes.

  • @hopehopehopehope3747
    @hopehopehopehope3747 Před měsícem +1

    Dr. Ramani saved my life from my father who had such a grip over me that I had almost given up. Hearing her speak felt like she had been right beside me this whole time. She understood. I’m binder watching all her videos now and feel stronger than ever to take my life back and end this control he has over me.

  • @carolsherman9817
    @carolsherman9817 Před měsícem +3

    This was fantastic. Thank you. I’ve been with a Narc for 9 years and this last year I got myself back, and oddly enough, my narc didn’t create the nightmares he usually did, because I don’t take it anymore. It’s as if he wanted to see just how far he could push. The stronger we all become ( those who find themselves in a narc relationship) the less power they will have. Love to all of you who are struggling. There is light ahead of you!❤

  • @tamarAW515
    @tamarAW515 Před měsícem +26

    “They no longer fulfill the roles and responsibilities of what it means to be in a close relationship” empathy, compassion, kindness, atunement, self awareness 💯!!! And the justifications to retain the status quo. Dr. Ramani has taught me so much about myself and what I experienced in my relationship. Incredibly difficult and I still struggle with empathy for this person and I appreciate her take on how to heal and navigate the guilt but not lose the compassion and empathy because it’s who I am. Disengaging and empathy is a tough pairing but it’s essential. Thanks for your insight and gift of sharing your knowledge.

  • @marykotuba6901
    @marykotuba6901 Před měsícem +14

    I thought as long as i stayed single, I'd be safe from narcissistic relationships. I was so naive
    You are teaching me so much, thank you.

  • @powerfulpowerless1587
    @powerfulpowerless1587 Před 19 dny +1

    This woman should be hailed as PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE to all narcissists. She saved my life AND my sanity with her wisdom through her videos after coming out of a relationship with a man who was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. I love you Dr. Ramani. 😘

  • @raediamendz
    @raediamendz Před měsícem +1

    This is EVERYTHING!!!!! Thank you so much for diving deep into this topic and giving me so much clarity. I truly pray for everyone dealing with someone like this. I promise life becomes so beautiful once you block out this negativity & you will be able to breathe again. Sending all of ya’ll love! ❤ Thank you again for this amazing video!

  • @dianemartinez8126
    @dianemartinez8126 Před měsícem +39

    I needed this, 8 months in my healing journey. What a great conversation.

  • @chriswhiteiii
    @chriswhiteiii Před měsícem +15

    47:47- 47:50 “Some people pick up an instrument or learn a new language… and move that confidence into other areas” (paraphrasing) Thx deeply for this whole episode.

  • @pariszia4347
    @pariszia4347 Před měsícem +1

    The best method for determining if someone is a narcissist is to be in a relationship with one. The patterns are very distinct .

  • @leoku-gu4iy
    @leoku-gu4iy Před měsícem +1

    Thank you Dr. Ramani❤
    Your words are truly comforting.
    I almost lost my life last year as I truly felt my soul die over enduring narcissistic abuse. I thought my life was over and saw no possibility of a happy future as long as this person was alive and in my life. I watched dozens of your videos last year and they really got me through the lowest point of my life. The day I wanted to jump, the gate to the staircase was locked .. it was a sign for me it wasn’t my time yet. After this day, I decided I would no longer allow this narcissist the pleasure of controlling my life - they have already made so many memories that should of been the happiest days of my life some of my worst days. Since then I have worked on repairing my soul. Days are definitely brighter without them. But the pain they caused will be apart of me forever.
    To anyone still reading - life becomes exponentially lighter without them. Find the strength and courage to remove the narcissist from your life or else their presence alone can kill your soul.. and once the soul is gone, people look for ways to kill their physical body too. I pray for all the victims to someday find the peace I thankfully finally found ❤

  • @MT-tx7bu
    @MT-tx7bu Před měsícem +17

    I've been listening to Dr Ramani for years. I put so much energy into these broken relationships I became broken. It took time, but as you put yourself, first, taking time to learn and grow, you slowly turn that train around.

  • @harveeydulay2882
    @harveeydulay2882 Před měsícem +1

    the fact that someone finally says you don't have to forgive is so healing for me!
    I could understand the person, see why they did what they did, see their background and I'd still always think I get it but I'm not okay with it ... I don't forgive it. and everyone always tells me that's not being over it then ... when in all honestly I am over it ... I'm over it and I'm aware I'm not okay with it and I don't like or forgive them.

  • @osbaldoesquivel3645
    @osbaldoesquivel3645 Před měsícem +1

    The last 10 years of my life have been nothing but stress, confusion, anxiety , anger, rage, exhaustion, and this woman that's brought this to me has no idea she's a victim herself from her own mother I really understand now that I've been listening to various experts explain narcissism and how it affects people and the loved ones around them. 💔

  • @snblee
    @snblee Před měsícem +13

    11:07 She hit the nail….we met young & he demented me brick by brick over 30yrs.

  • @user-ke2ep9tt1z
    @user-ke2ep9tt1z Před měsícem +13

    Thank you for saying it's not necessary to forgive. I agree. I was in an extremely abusive relationship. I had so much empathy and forgiveness. However, you can only give so much of yourself before you become a shell of a person that has nothing left to give because they abuse and take every part of you even during times my mother passed away, he cheated, lied, harassed, abused, manipulated and emotionally drained me and to me this person will never be forgiven for the mental, physical, and emotional abuse he inflicted on me purposely just to see me suffer worse. I only need to forgive myself for not being strong enough to get away sooner. This weak man took me down and then continued to kick me down till I wasn't me anymore and I almost completely gave up on life because it was unbearable. How can someone suck the life out of another person and still walk around and act like they did nothing wrong it's insane. He lacked empathy, morals, values, and abuses people to make himself feel good its sick. Thankfully I can say I am healing. I will never be completely healed I have PTSD, and went through severe depression, not being able to trust anyone and it affected all my relationships. Years later I now have a man that loves me and understands what I've been through and is NOTHING like my ex. We all need to learn from our mistakes, see the red flags and run from those abusers. It's sad we have to learn the hard way and the abuse is something we will carry for the rest of our lives because someone was so evil. May karma rain down on all those that cause suffering to others.

    • @appaloosa42
      @appaloosa42 Před 23 dny

      Well, I forgive , but told him I’m not God, I can’t forget. Gone dissociated, cuz I can’t go no contact!

  • @vevans777
    @vevans777 Před měsícem +6

    'Radical acceptance' is also a key to processing your relationship with an addict, as it's the hope that kills. Our empathy often keeps us stuck and on repeat in abusive relationships, whatever the description. The overlap between a narcissist and an alcoholic are great, so it's difficult to tell the two apart, either way, it's unhealthy being in their company having to walk on egg-shells, observing their micro-expressions so you can tell when they will next rage about something minor. The emotional disregulation they exhibit is exhausting, it drains your soul as well as psychologically and physically.
    Self preservation is essential and walking away, however difficult, is necessary in order to recover yourself and live.
    Thank you Dr Ramani for your compassion and human intelligence in the face of the visceral experiences people are trying to understand and survive.
    Jay's interview style brings out the best in his guests, well worth watching.

  • @leaannkennedy8393
    @leaannkennedy8393 Před měsícem

    This rang so true for me. I was so angry with myself for letting him steal my essence. It took me years of being alone for me to learn who I was and just love me. Thank you for this.

  • @Wen-co5vj
    @Wen-co5vj Před měsícem +4

    Omg I’ve said every one of those justifications after TERRIBLE things have happened to me.
    I am ready to leave.
    I can’t do the cognitive dissonance any longer.
    It is killing me.
    I am almost, well I suppose I had nearly abandoned myself totally. AND I am very empathetic. And I was VERY SUCCESSFUL with high level of education and making excellent money, nearly 200k year. One has no idea the abuse is occurring until you feel like you’d rather just be dead. You’d rather die than keep going.
    You realize your partner has lied in every way and cheated in every way. Extreme financial abuse and affairs are too much. Total narcissist.
    NOW he says “Im no longer that person.”
    I am just not buying it. And he IS trying to convince me.
    And it’s been 20 years! I’m exhausted.

    • @lindamckenzie4543
      @lindamckenzie4543 Před měsícem +1

      Me too! Please leave 💕🕊️

    • @Wen-co5vj
      @Wen-co5vj Před měsícem

      Thank you for your support. Are you on the other side of the nightmare? I would appreciate any helpful insight or advice. I am wondering if I should do the post nuptial agreement my attorney suggested nearly five y/a. The hubs agreed at first. Then changed his mind and said he would not do it. Then he agreeed again. Still says, “let’s do it… I need protection too and would make me feel better too”. I deep down felt though it would get so ugly and painful it would not be worth it, AND feel deep down if I have to do this to stay married it just makes me want to vomit. It is not what I would think was healthy for either of my children to do if they were faced with the same situation. So I guess it sort of makes me feel like I do not respect myself it i do that. But attorney says would make everything easier if eventually did divorce. NOW, having said THIS, 18 mos ago, right before our 18th anniversary, I DID file for divorce. He got SO mad and upset. At that point my attorney was like, “he has shown you who he is and he does not really want to change or do the work”… and then somehow he twists things and I feel hope and i suppose it just can’t b normal or right… I have been in a crazy deep depression and somehow I pull myself up and go on for the kids and what they need. But am afraid it will do them more harm to Div. It is not like he is an awful dad. Though he did a LOT of damage I feel like as they were growing. Stories abound about confusing them and shutting especially my son down emotionally. Sigh. I SWEAR I am a STRONG PERSON. My dear friend since we were 16 said, “Of ALL the PEOPLE I know, you are the LAST I would have ever thought would go through this!” He is now acting like he has totally changed and is a different person, saying, “I am NOT that same person anymore …” He is in a bible group (be it long distance via zoom calls) which is telling to me. He has no local friends or groups he is a part of here. He told me about 6 weeks ago he may lead a men’t bible group… At first I thought he was going to attend. But I believe he has no interest unless he can LEAD and be the hero or appear all knowing. When we married he did not want to practice Catholisim as he said he did not agree w/all of it. He was raised Catholic. We did other Protestant faiths and were regular church goers for years. Then I learned about the huge monetary betrayal and then the affair (and i think there were many). And this was devastating since i was TOTALLY financially well off and independent prior to our marriage… owned house outright and paid cash for EVERYTHING. Then 14 years later there was 150k in debt i did not know of and 80k withdrew on from his 401k… AND my SEP retirement had not grown one bit… as he said he was contributing this and that and taking care of our retirement. Said he’d be responsible for all of that and i did not need to worry years ago. But then when I’d say let’s meet w/our financial advisor he blew it off etc… and if i wanted to take over the finances he blew up and started saying, FINE you think you can do it better DO IT… and I’d say no it’s not that… but now i know he was i don’t know what the term is but he was bullying me and turning the tables on me and i was like I’m not saying i can do it better! NOW i see what it was. He’s always pretend that he was showing me everything and i had access to all the info but he would not go through it with me and just made me feel stupid. I actually keep people alive for a living… i am not stupid. It was total control to keep me on a roller coaster and second guessing myself. BIZARRE. I just felt exhausted, depressed and overwhelmed. We had two young children and i was TRYING to keep it all together for years. So this past Sept i said well let’s go ahead and do post nuptial agreement and this is after he has said, yes let’s do it. And when i made that statement he said “well that is gonna get interesting” and i said “know what? Let’s not do it. Let’s just file and get this behind us. Neither one of us trusts the other” And for about five days I was at times sad but overall felt totally clear headed and optimistic and happy! Like I FINALLY had a plan and had hope for the rest of my life. Then he said, “i love you and i take back what i said, i do not want a divorce and please just think about it. Dont say anything right now.” And immediately i was sad and felt in a hole again. Ugh. So i let it go backwards! I just felt i guess, MAYBE he means it and maybe it is true. Then about 6 weeks later he bought a motorcycle and he had 15 k on credit card before he did this. And it made me sick as he knows i want debt free. And the holidays were close and i did not want to ruin everything. And now he is planned to launch another company. Ugh. So do i go for post nup and try to stay or do i cut all losses. He has much more to gain from me…. I dont truly know his debts. And i have a co i started and i pay bills of for most part every mo. Still trying to stay free of debt. I am even so embarrassed to talk w/my attorney now. She has got to be sick of my ridiculous flip flopping. And my daughter 13 is now having lots of anxiety and seeing counselor …. And she has always feared we would div. But i dont’ think she can put her finger on all of this… but is also so sweet and growing up and it is hard to deal w/changes and hormones. I just do not want to hurt anyone! Sorry for this long text. I guess i just want clear answers and guidance. I’m in counseling also of course, for many years. Annoyed w/myself. TY for any insight. He is not all bad. He is very helpful w/house and kids and cooking etc. can be so charming. There is just this awful weight now after all that has happened. And i feel like i cant breathe sometimes. And there is the mistrust and moods that linger. Bizarre eggshells. Though he is acting like he is happy… but think deep down he in not and still VERY insecure. THE END! :)

  • @dodosmamma1692
    @dodosmamma1692 Před měsícem +20

    Dr Ramani is an exceptionally intelligent, insightful and empathetic lady. Her expertise in narcissism shines brightly into the darkness of narcissistic abuse. God bless her. 💕

  • @Jordan-jo6rh
    @Jordan-jo6rh Před měsícem +2

    Dr. Ramani has helped me so much‼️ She is so well spoken and can ignite the passion you've suppressed to get back to where you were. Thank you, doctor. ❤

  • @cindianacruz1035
    @cindianacruz1035 Před měsícem

    Dr Ramani I have followed so many of your discussions,podcasts,etc. You are so thorough, to the point and so insightful. Jay hit the right chords in the questions he asked. It's is journey in unpicking so many things.
    Thanks again.

  • @AM-fg2uk
    @AM-fg2uk Před měsícem +22

    "We need you, we need all of your gifts in this world." Thank you Dr Ramani, I needed to hear that. I had narcissists in my family so building identity from the ground up and discovering what makes my soul happy has been the real journey, since I didn't get a healthy template in childhood. Accepting and working on this has in turn attracted validating loving people into my life, which has been a major help in healing 🙏💓

  • @ShantaFuentes
    @ShantaFuentes Před měsícem +37

    Dr. Ramani is killing it 🔥🔥 Loving all these conversations and her latest book “ It’s Not You” 💛🙏🏽

  • @carlasiqueland5867
    @carlasiqueland5867 Před měsícem

    There are so many brilliant gems in this on so many levels, and these are two of my favorite people. Gifting the world with clarity thank you 1 million times to both of you.

  • @k.s.3522
    @k.s.3522 Před 12 dny

    Thank you for posting these videos. I was in a highly narcissistic relationship for over 20 years and it took every ounce of strength I had in me to get out of it! I wouldn’t wish the experience I had on my worst enemy!

  • @h888steele4
    @h888steele4 Před měsícem +19

    My beautiful son was married to a malignant narcissist and died from Takotsubo cardiomyopathy or "Broken Heart Syndrome" is when the heart muscle becomes suddenly stunned or weakened - narcissists can kill you

    • @dlwilliamson5644
      @dlwilliamson5644 Před měsícem +4

      I wish so much that you were wrong. I am incredibly healthy (race bikes) - my heart has suddenly created cardiac marker for heart failure. I believe that has I not been married to such a person who lacks empathy and is consistently explaining why he is entitled for so long I would not be in this state of pre-heart failure. I could be wrong but I have to own that I "married my mother" trying to win the war of my childhood on a different battlefield. I am genuinely sorry for your loss. Losing a child is possibly the most painful loss.

    • @Cheybits
      @Cheybits Před měsícem +1

      I believe that’s what I’m currently going through. My heart hurts often. Starts with palpitations. My mom is narcissistic and my husband is a covert narcissist. I feel the only way to be free of him, is through death. I’m not living. I’m not happy. 😔

    • @dlwilliamson5644
      @dlwilliamson5644 Před měsícem +4

      @@Cheybits Please read the book or listen to the audiobook: "Body Keeps The Score" . You may be able to learn how to go SO gray rock and stay so shallow with him and her that you can help allow your body to quit taking on the toxicity they are causing. you to experience. I went through 2 years of intense PTSD therapy when I got the courage to divorce. My therapist strongly urged me to read this and WOW! Makes so much sense. Also, "The Drama of The Gifted Child". I urge you to read this as you have tiptoed through the minefield of narcissism since birth. Arm yourself with knowledge so if you are going to stay (I stayed in these types of relationshiTs until I was clear that I had the power to change my day in and day out peace). You are not alone here.

    • @elizabethf9096
      @elizabethf9096 Před 26 dny

      I’m
      So sorry that’s terrible 😞

  • @stephgtorres
    @stephgtorres Před měsícem +21

    Wow wow wow! This has my feeling heard, feeling teary eyed, and anxious.
    Leaving a narc is one thing but trying to some what co-parent having to keep the door open for him is a million times harder.
    Such a good hear 🥹🥺

  • @peaceispower3792
    @peaceispower3792 Před měsícem +1

    I absolutely loved this. The vulnerability that Dr Ramani is so empowering, powerful and relatable.

  • @lynnstephens7349
    @lynnstephens7349 Před měsícem

    I have been following Dr. Ramani for some time but today when she talked about the grief that comes in like a sunami made me stop for a few minutes because the grief is indescribable and it lasts a lot longer than most people realize and have the patience to continue as a support person because there seems to be some kind of time-line for then to continue to listen and be supportive ie...you need to get over it and move on. You’re not a victim ( anymore).

  • @LudmilaPelikanova-iu8zm
    @LudmilaPelikanova-iu8zm Před měsícem +28

    Dr. Ramani, thank youuuu, you helped me so much! ❤ You are just amazing! I was listening to you the whole last summer not to get sucked in again... And I did it!! I grounded myself after 15 years of hell marriage. I am happily divorced now and have an amazing partner who loves me and takes care of me. Thx again, you are the blessing for the world 🎉. Love, Lida

  • @MM-xw1jm
    @MM-xw1jm Před měsícem

    Dr Ramani is so on point, as always. Thanks Jay for letting her talk and asking great questions.

  • @ritadehmer6706
    @ritadehmer6706 Před měsícem

    Lived this all my life, and at 82 and widowed, so for the first time on my own, am trying to get to know who I am and what I like, want, dislike. It so very much resonated with me. Yes, it follows you all your life, warps how you relate to everything you come into contact with in your life. The insight was a game changer for me.

  • @user-hx3vp1pn3g
    @user-hx3vp1pn3g Před měsícem +16

    Thank you !! I keep getting sucked back in to a relationship, I need the guts to end it for good!! All the red flags I kept seeing…..and continue to see. Only I can make the decision to do it, the courage to stand up for myself and know my WORTH❣️❣️🙏

    • @jasperings69
      @jasperings69 Před 20 dny

      Currently going through this too. It’s heartbreaking, devastating and exhausting. We got this ❤️

    • @teresadvorak6145
      @teresadvorak6145 Před 18 dny +2

      Start with a very secret plan, only U know. Do not let the narc know or u could get really punished. So make your secret plan & escape when the time is right. Love ❤️ & much strength to U on your healing journey 💪 💪 💪

    • @vannabusby8254
      @vannabusby8254 Před 6 dny

      ​@teresadvorak6145 This is the hardest thing to do. My mind will be concerned about him, our bearing myself because of my unhappiness will so to him. Like him to seeing his son less even if he's treating me bad I will think how bad I'm treating him by choosing for myself.

  • @neogbfe3587
    @neogbfe3587 Před měsícem +4

    It’s nice to have a professional discussion about the diagnosis, and not someone going off experiences or individuals emotions. The key is diagnosis, not assumptions.

  • @welcomehealth9853
    @welcomehealth9853 Před měsícem

    The discussions about grief and forgiveness really spoke to me. I'm seeing my daughter go through this process and this helps me understand her healing journey.

  • @rachaelme
    @rachaelme Před měsícem +1

    “This empathic, responsive, compassionate part of you is beautiful.
    We’ve got to heal but hold onto that. We’ve got to keep this here, pull the shame off of it, but allow you to be more discerning.”
    🙏🙏🙏

  • @loveorabove5106
    @loveorabove5106 Před měsícem +8

    Dr. Ramani explains what a Narcissist is and what happens in a relationship with one so perfectly, so exact. Thank you, thank you Dr.Ramani. Thank you for dedicating your life to helping humanity understand and cope with this. You saved my life and helped me understand and heal and stay out of a narcissistic relationship.

  • @EmilyBatista
    @EmilyBatista Před měsícem +31

    Jay Shetty and Dr. Ramani, thank you for this episode. As someone who is dealing with PTSD from dating someone who has high narcissistic tendencies, this episode gave me hope, clarity, and validation. Love both of your works.