Six Signs of a Covert Narcissistic Father
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- čas přidán 26. 11. 2023
- A covert narcissistic father can still be controlling and manipulative but not in an overtly bullying and domineering way like a grandiose narcissist. He still has a huge sense of entitlement but behaves as if the world, his partner, the kids have all treated him unfairly, taken something from him.
This video outlines six common signs of a covert narcissistic father, from being emotionally distant through to guilt tripping and shaming his kids.
#narcissisticfather #narcissisticfamily #mentalhealth
I don't think they "struggle" with empathy, they simply have none
This describes my Dad perfectly. I'm sorry to all of you who had to live through this, too. Much love to each one of you.
My father is primarily covert narcissist but he does have fits of rage and was sometimes physically abusive. At some point he became isolated, anxious, less confident and donned a nice guy demeanor / started hiding his overt toxicity. He uses money to control me and my siblings, he sucks all the air out of the room, requiring near constant validation and attention, he parentifies me, he see his children as competition instead of people to protect. It’s honestly disgusting. In childhood he punished us because he was angry, never because he was trying to teach us how to function in the world. I was his scapegoat. He was holding inheritance over my head in adulthood which would have been my first truly lucky break in life. I went no contact anyway. I can’t stomach being manipulated anymore. I decided I’d rather die on the streets than him have control over me. He’s even tried to smear me and paint me as his abuser 😂😂. These people are real pieces of work.
The wolf managed to convince the sheep that the sheepdog is the dangerous one that they must get rid of...
I found this quote not too long ago. The experiences that you described in your comment resemble my own experiences as well as my future plans. Take care of yourself... Something that I find difficulties with.
I can very much relate. You were wise to walk away. It didn’t get better with time like I had hoped and prayed for.
“Obey me or I’ll disinherit you” is a clear sign. (coercive control)
Even if you obey them there's a good chance that they'll disinherit you anyway. Watch your back!
Yep my dad did that. He went around telling everyone he was leaving all his money to a dog training facility just to hurt me. lol I don’t care and never ever thought about his money as something I’d want. I was more focused on the hurt of his death. I’m not so sure I care about that anymore.
@@AureliasMyth1wow, it’s incredible to hear stories like this over and over and I wonder why PSYCHOLOGY is not pushed much more in the school systems because it’s clearly a huge part of the human experience
No amount of money is worth being controlled over!
Been there, heard that.
I've been waiting for this video. I don't see many examples of covert or vulnerable narcissistic fathers. Mine is sullen like a stroppy teen, his "love" is transactional, he is hyper sensitive to criticism, he constantly made sniping comments at my partner. He's sexist and blames most things on women although hed deny it. The last 2 years of no contact have enabled me to redirect that energy on myself. 10/10 would recommend
“I wish you never born” was his default. Talk about being blamed for HIS actions.
Wooooo, Darren. You described my old man nearly perfectly. The only difference is that he just did not give a shit about any of us. Growing up he was neglectful and absent. He told me "I let your mother raise you," which she did NOT. She screamed at us a lot but she didn't raise us. He was off in La La Land and didn't want to be bothered with his family. I still don't know why he had a family if he didn't want all the responsibility that came with it, behaving like having to do anything for us was a total chore. He took no curiosity in us, and the only time he intervened in anything was because my mother would force him to.
But of course, he views my brother and me as total failures. He couldn't be arsed to help us at any point, but nah -- it's easier to justify his distance by thinking we were awful rather than doing literally anything. When I asked him why he behaved this way, he told me that "my father never showed me love." All right. Cool. Did that make it all right for him to do the same thing to his children despite knowing how much his father's neglect and abuse hurt him? He gave me a blank stare and changed the subject.
Recently I deduced that my father is in competition with me. He's always right, and I am not allowed to be right too. Everything I say gets cut down, and he argues. When I tell him that he's starting an argument, his response is "No, I'm not!" He's oblivious. I don't want to be in competition with my dad. I want him to love me. But I know now that he can't. He's not going to change.
Anyway, no contact is coming for all of my family. I can't do this anymore.
Thank you so much for this insightful video, Darren. I hope everyone has a happy holiday season, or at least a tolerable one with all your boundaries firmly in place.
Ditto 🖐️ no contact
I had to send my dad 'The final text message' just about a week ago. VERY long text explaining how I felt about his behaviour. He is losing family members and possibly his wife and now maybe even me. The message went completely ignored. Thats all the answer I need from him. Its hard but maybe you just need to move on. He's the way he is because of his own doing. Bitter and alone. The hardest thing is that he thinks everyone has done him bad forgetting how he treated them first. This video has set my mind free of him. Set your mind free
I in same boat buddy, we Christmas coming up and it’s hard for me, even for one day . But your not alone.merry Christmas
You are not alone bro
There is one person change him, that’s the one that was the cross.your dad heart needs changing and Jesus can do it . Be born again and expect him in heart and he change your life.but you have free will. Take care of yourself
Your emotions and needs are used as a trade for them to take advantage of you.
My dad will take credit for my accomplishments despite his every effort to sabotage it. It's the "My son would have never made that sailing trip without me drilling holes in the bottom in the bottom of the boat."
Mine likes to say "good genes", I'm like 🖕
Mine nitpicks at me, now, I am 60. I don't ask for his opinion. He thinks he is perfect and finds fault with me. He needs to grow up and shut up.
Same as my father. He is a doctor and always made sure to not give me any support to me to have a successful career in order to him being always superior, however I have a successful life and he take the credit for it!
I always considered my mother to be prideful and displaying narcissistic characteristics, while my dad was long-suffering and sacrificed for us. He was relatively successful and they were comfortable in retirement. After she died I came to realize she tempered my dad's covert narcissism and SHE was the one that kept the family together. He immediately latched on to a highly manipulative gold digger who uses his narcissism and baseless pride to control him, effectively replacing his family with her own. Uses his desire to be the Daddy Warbucks hero to ensure all of his resources are controlled by her (as I predicted to him early on)
Spoke with him recently and it is truly amazing how he has changed in the past few years, and not for the better. I cannot imagine ever treating my daughter how he has treated me. It makes me question what I ever thought of him as a person.
My fathers second/last wife didn’t like me because she was a narcissist. She made him choose between her and me. He chose her. He blamed my dead mother for all his misery. He drove her insane with his covert narcissism.
Dad's a huge narcissist and expects me to back it up. I won't. He lies to me. I don't trust him.
My father exactly, and he was also incestuous. Outside of the house he spent his whole life waiting on people to praise and compliment him
My father would say he would help in certain ways but when it came down to the wire he didn’t help. He also hoarded all thr money of the family and didn’t share with the family while my mother waited on him hand and foot her whole life.
Bro literally same just my parents r divorced n my mom needs money n stuff and my dad has like s delusion that hes a victim of my mom even though 🤓somehow🤔 my dad is the only parent that didnt have regard for my feelings and yelled at me alot
My father is bitter and resentful of me because as a 50 year old I finally became a Classics/Latin teacher. He calls me "professor" in a spitting disgusted way. I wish that were all he's done. Thank you for the information you provide!
Wow, Latin teachers are still a thing? Awesome
His loss! You deserve better, so do I!
wow! as a beginner latin student that is SO cool and its hard to become a professor! im really proud of u and thats such an interesting career to have omg im totally jealous (i want to be a neuropsychologist but i love latin and classics)
@@stargirlabi_111 You have some lofty goals! Bonam Fortunam tibi!!!
Oh yes the look of disdain and contempt my father directed at me throughout my life is sadly unforgettable.
I remember how the emotional immaturity of my father scarred me for life. He had These emotional outbursts und Front of me. Why wasnt he man enough to protect me from That instead of throwing it in my face at the Tender age of 13.
I am 27 now, I left at 17. I am still recovering
Wanting me to Thank him for buying me school stuff, like you decided to have me, why should i be thankful for basic necessities??
I was struggling with school, he did not care at all and yelled at me why are you such a failure instead of helping me
I was alone with him for 4 years and i am still traumatized
I m sorry. My mother is that way.
Left at 18, still recover till today (31).
Darren, thank you. This video is, as frequently happens, the best, most accurate depiction of a covert narcissistic father I’ve heard. I really appreciate how you highlighted the infantile, victimhood mindset the covert narcissistic father lives in. It confused and hurt me so much that my dad told such fun stories about himself and had fun with us as kids, but had no idea how to be a dad to us (beyond providing material things) as we aged. The neglect and abuse are persistent but subtle and can be utterly mystifying.
Sorry...mine never bothered providing material anything.. on top of that description. In fact he does everything he can to waste all the inheritence he gained from his ancestors and from his wife's death - and he calls the extra money "the fruit of my hard labor" . He keeps finding strange women for an excuse to squander his money as quickly as possible so as to leave us with nothing. he wants to get married at 70 yrs old, all of a sudden to another strange woman from out of nowhere. He is forgetting that my sister is homeless. He forgets or never noticed his grandchildren do not have rooms, a house, neither do they have beds to sleeo on, nor chairs or a table to eat on. He visited us and he winessed this. and he turned a blind eye. Sorry for venting here.
exactly what is happening to me now i am the older daughter with a covert narcissist father my mother just got divorced from him and my eyes are opening tremendously it’s really hard
Oh my god it’s a slow realisation of this and it’s actually rather scary..
My father never directly says anything, plausible deniability is his best friend. He'll "suggest" X, and when I point out the truth that X is false, because he was always so on the fence and never committed to anything he says, he'll easily be able to revert to "Oh well I never said that". He'll constantly make these "suggestions" and act as if they're true and lead others to believe them as well, and if I ever correct him with facts, he always always has plausible deniability to fall back on and I'm the bad guy here.
So true. It confuses me somuch. My father does this a lot
That's scary relatable.
You're video could be definitely describing my father . He goes from both overt to covert in his manipulation !
Does this ever ring true! I wish I had known this a long time ago. My dad had a lawn fetish and flew into a rage when I wouldn't mow the lawn for him because my feet hurt after I had undergone chemotherapy. After he passed away and I was going through boxes of his papers I discovered that he had stolen my high school and college diplomas, my personal mail, and even a collar tag for my cat that I had ordered but never received. I wonder if anyone else has ever experienced this. Thanks for your excellent videos- they have helped me make sense of a dark region in my past.
I love the way he’s looking at the camera like “sounds familiar?”
💯 FACTS SPOT ON I AM LIVING WITH A MAN WHO WILL NOT LEAVE ME FIR 16 YEARS HAS ALL THESE TENDENCIES AND HE CANT SEE IT. IM DRAINED AND I AM TIRED😢😢😢😢
Ouch! This is very painful to listen to. My covert, narcissist ex-boyfriend’s dad is everything listed. Tragic….why Narcissism runs in families
My husband of 20 years, his dirty minded exploitative daddy is described to the T here..
Thank you. Gaslighting, guilt tripping, snide put downs, passive aggression to the 20th power, stonewalling, only responding favorably when he’s told what he wants to hear - hey the gangs all here! Took me until age 41 to realize the man I put on the highest pedestal is a covert narcissist who used me to fill a void in him (I was parentified to the max). He’s now trying to bully me into saying I’m not on the autism spectrum because he cannot handle guilt. Tried to bully me to go back to a doctor who traumatized me, hoping they’d break me down and I’d agree I have a condition other than something HE has to feel bad he didn’t catch. Horribly pathological financial control. Codependent to an extreme.
Thanks for this. I’m super close to being able to go NC. It will be the best day of my life.
When I needed sympathy, it was " oh you poor soul" heavy in sarcasm.
“So when the kids want him, they need him [covert narcissist parent], he has his own projects, his own worries, he has other responsibilities and not much time. (Even if he is just watching television.)” More and more familiar from parents in more recent years; such as them needing to do something before would get back to me - for 1/2 a year! And latest, too busy reply to a quick text from me (that they told me they ‘know’ is toxic, while admitting, years and sometimes even decades later, when pressed that they either mistook past positive letters as personal attacks, never read them, and/or deleted them!) - for well over 1/2 a year now and counting! I guess my repeated attempts to praise them, comfort their emotions, check in, educate, dialogue, get to respectful interactions, etc. for over a decade are leading to a de-facto No Contact that I didn’t seek, but might just be what I’ve needed all my life.
Omg this is SPOT. ON. And so helpful. I’m 35, the oldest of 7, and am just learning that my dad is a covert narcissist (explaining why his daughters have married narcissists and suffered so much because of it).
From my experience, I would possibly highlight extreme self-righteousness, and weaving fallacy after fallacy together with the lies while arbitrarily shifting the context to just "win" and to avoid ever accepting any accountability for being wrong.
These types of videos are so needed. Thank you. An excuse for everything and zero accountability. I guess it was worth trying to have a relationship to learn how I can he a better husband and father than him. Facing the adversity my father imposed upon my family damaged me, but I am unbroken and stronger in my own mature resolve than ever before. Fellow victims, we are worth it. We can empathize like others can not, so let's use all of this darkness for good. God bless.
I hear that line every time I speak: "(you're supposed to honor your parents) you've dishonored me" - no matter how polite or patient i've tried to be... for him, dishonoring him simply means telling the truth! Just read the story of shrm, ham, and japeth for a biblical version of dishonoring one's father, sheesh! ..since that commandment comes from the bibe.
Spot on. Exactly the case. You have described it all. Thank you Darren.
Oh yea,my daddy.
Mine as well.
Dad is one of extreme thinking. His way or the highway, insufferable!
Mine too!! 😢
Thank you for this very relatable info. 🙏
Thankyou darren for this, i cant tell you how much i needed to hear that. Godspeed
Thank you for your information. Very useful as always ❤
Right! Mine was definitely a grandiose one! I am so grateful to keep learning. Thank you for your videos, Darren! ❤ Helpful and informative as always!
My Dad would tell me stories about him in the streets of Chicago growing up and these stories made me believe in a very negative way of acting twords people who disrespected me as a teenager. I would proudly tell my Dad about me being violent twords someone who disrespected me and I'd be shut down as if I was a punk and not like him. That was always his thing to say "Your not like me". I realized I was fighting a lot to try and gain my Dad's respect and approval. And no matter what he's always gonna need to feel superior and I don't need his approval now as a grown man.
Omg this is so accurate, can you do a covert narcissist male with alcohol ?
Can I just show this video to my covert narcissist of a father and be like this is you? lol. This is literally him in every way. The manipulation, the passive aggressiveness and the constant telling one of my brothers or I that he likes one of us better than the rest because we did what he wanted. It’s so disgusting and exhausting.
Samantha,if you haven’t already, don’t show him. You will not like the backlash. Instead, dear, May I suggest you and your brother read a powerful book called “It’s Not You” by Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a NYT bestselling author and clinical psychologist who has for decades specialized in Narcissism. This book is on Amazon. From someone who is aware and cares. Blessings!
Thank you well said thanks for the video
The word respect is used too!!!! If you don’t do as they wish your disrespectful to these narcs
This sounds sadly familiar
Too Busy. That describes my parents then and now.
Mine expects me to be at his beck and call, while he wastes my time, with no explanation or apology. Yes, he did something nice, but I had to wait twice as long. He doesn't like complaints. Tough crap for him!
I am still struggling with my thoughts.
He asked me to live like a boy & bear all family responsibilities. Why?
I am a girl.
Edit- & yes, he never allowed me to get married. He wanted me to serve only him.
May I get some suggestions!
I did find very helpful,I had to grow up it and I still need how to deal with it. Christmas coming and sure going through your videos, I just subscribed, thank you
I hate holiday because of Dad's lazy ways. He'll do something for my birthday, Christmas, but not call on Christmas. His excuse: his family, friends keep him "busy" or that he's so popular/that his time is more valuable than mine. He finds ways to say things that cause me to feel "less than". He's pathetic!
Thank you Darren, your factual kindness is, very helpful & lifesaving information. Are we missing how the narcissistic father left everyone in fear, especially the wife our mom? Our mom was exceptionally different gifted in design and intelligence, as told to me by a therapist back in high school "say it your dad is an a-hole your mom works 3 jobs to avoid him." Divorce wasn't prevelant in the 70's . Can this all be culturally induced? What are the best solutions for love & relationships in a narcissistic world?
Yes. Thats my father. With his overt malignant narcissistic wife, my mother.
Dad was abusive to Mom, verbally, probably physically, sexually, financially, emotionally. She divorced his sorry ass over 50 years ago. He still hasn't forgiven her, and took it out on me, I look, think and act like her. His attitude:his problem!
@@jackilynpyzocha662 yeah my dad didn't do that. He was a career military man. 40 years both the navy and Coast guard. He told me I was pretty and smart and honestly my Mom was a good mom to little kids.
I miss that mom. I'm sorry you didn't get a great childhood. I did and it's The only reason I'm ok now. My mom has early dementia. It's turned her mean.
But I'm sorry you didn't have a good daddy. It can make relationships difficult your whole life.
This sounds awful. Thank you for another eye opening video, Darren.
This actually sounds like my older brother, and in order to feel like a grown up had to treat me like a child, he two years older than me. A lot of the ways these behaviours are described are just like his
❤Thank you
Great information and thank you !! Could you please do a Video on a Psychopathic Dad....because the Ex I divorced seemed to have more Psychopathic traits...teaching the kids to lie, steal, do harm to me....each time I was catching him in Lying. He did pathological lying. He also taught the kids to do something to your mother....that you know will upset her....then blame her for being upset....that means you get to do whatever you want, and blame it on her. Now we have a 38 yrs old daughter and a 41 yrs old Son....She is More Covert like her Dad....She is also her Dad's perfect Golden Child. Our Son is move Overt....and the EX and daughter devalue and degrade the Son....he does not do FakeNice and FakeCharming like they do. And they all devalue and degrade me....Parental Alienation Syndrome...and they NEED me for their Scapegoat. Anything good I do in my life...for myself ....Infuriates them, and they work on destroying my life b undermining me and labeling me. They gaslight, triangulate, all of the Red Flags.
Whoa... My dad did disinherit me while telling me it was all taken care of so I had NO CLUE it was coming
I've been referring to your DARVO method while exposing his theft and manipulation and coercive abuse. But what prevents the Judge from saying the same of me??
nothing will prevent him from saying the same of you. just remember you can't win against a narcissist. sometimes it's easier just to walk away if at all possible.
sometimes it is best to walk away-if you can… but You can win a case against them- most of them are dumb, or lack basic common sense… if you document, get affidavits, keep a detailed timeline, get in counseling, put the kids in counseling, talk to the kids teachers regularly, reach out to the domestic violence organizations in your area to see if they have resources for individuals who have been emotionally abuse, use those things as tools to document your journey and experience.
You have to stack evidence against them to prove a pattern of behaviors. You have to paint the picture to the court…You cannot just accuse them of being a narc or use terms like DARVO…you really need to have outside 3rd parties who can corroborate- friends, family, neighbors… anyone who has ever seen heard or witnessed anything abusive or neglectful get them to write an affidavit on your behalf.. anyone who has seen you have good character have them write an affidavit for you also…you need to know the right terminology like saying you’ve been “reactive” or saying that you’ve “ perceived” things differently. Don’t hurl direct accusations
Most important stay calm because once the narc starts getting exposed, they will react and if you are calm the judge will be able to visibly see what’s going on.. good luck!
My now wife's ex husband is a cn. When they first separated he persuaded the courts and got temporary custody. She was a mess and, I think was suffering with psd. She's now fine but he manipulated her children by trying to make them afraid of her. He was the great protector. They, after 7 years now, are slowly coming back. 2 out of 3, anyway. I think it will be hard when they realise who he is. They should be in jail.. no not the kids 😊
Maybe I am a bit narcissistic. I thought these were signs of bpd. I just don't know anymore.
This is soo true in my case
Eh, to be fair...there are a ton of controlling wives and mothers that do drive people to victimhood. Sometimes it can be legit that a person would say that they're giving it their all to no avail. That was and is my mom and it's little wonder that she's been divorced 4 times and wanted to divorce this latest husband.
So then just leave, right? We all know it's never that easy. And my dad as well as the others were pieces of work as well. Moths to flames, all involved were. (And a lot of people really could have had legit sports careers if not for freak accidents or injuries. My dad showed me an inside elbow scar where he had surgery due to a torn ligament from what we now call Tommy John surgery. Back then, they weren't nearly as advanced in surgical knowhow nor rehab as they are today. He may not have been Clayton Kershaw. But he may have gotten a chance if not for that injury)
Thank you.
How are Both of my parents covert narcissist? I’m 14 for gods sake this family is terrible!
Welcome to the club.
Could you do a video on the sociopath mother/father?
Yes, please do this. And/or sibling. It’s similar to narcissism but with extra extremes.
My father
My kid father refuses to help with college applications (free) we had To involve his older siblings. Im nervous my kid got into an elite school but he wouldn’t help with the housing cost (kids got a partial scholarship) im going to court- guess what reduce his income by 30K a year.. any advice.. i dont care if he hates me- I dont want my child to their dreams.
My Narc husband physically abused our daughter. I never hear about this at all. Is this just not happening with other families?
yes grandiose narcissists do become physical...my dad was a grand narc and hit both me and my sister...covert narcissists (my ex) are well, more covert, sneaky, quiet, and I would say dangerous because they never show emotions, very rarely... so when and if they plan to harm another person, you won't see it coming.. and they go straight for the kill..
So how do we beat the “system” ? Or help them?
you can't help them..just move around them carefully and with awareness..
Do not blame everything on others... there is no book of rules for all people... we are all different...
All covert are same